Chapters Fastest Fall in Equestria
Mike:
Fastest Fall in Equestria Chapter One: Some Falling to Do
There was a bright light, and a hint of ozone in the air. I blinked, shaking my head to clear the fuzziness from my thoughts and the stars from my eyes. The first thing I noticed was blue. Lots of blue -- an open, cloudless sky.
Wait.
Not cloudless, I realized. There were clouds all around me. Just... not above me. I was flying! I let out an excited, happy sound. I'd had dreams of flying -- who hasn't? -- but they couldn't compare to the sensation. I did a little loop the loop for sheer joy of flying, ignoring the ache in my shoulderblades. This was incredible.
Then I tried to figure out what had happened. How I was flying. This turned out to be a mistake, and a rather colossal one at that.
Have you ever heard of "The Centipede's Dilemma"? That's what happened to me. As I thought about flight, about how it was happening, I realized the pain wasn't in my shoulderblades at all. It was slightly below them, where my wings met up with my back. Wings, I thought. Okay, don't panic. Just... flap them, I guess?
I tried. Honestly, I did. Trying only made it worse. My wings flailed around haphazardly, and I immediately lost the aerodynamics that had allowed me to fly up until then. I fell. Like a flailing, panicky rock. If that makes any sense.
As the ground rose up to meet me, I reflexively spread my limbs to slow my fall. My wings caught the air, turning my plummet into an out-of-control dive. I strained to pull up. In the distance, I heard a high-pitched voice shouting excitedly.
"I think she's trying for a Sonic Rainboom! YAY! You go, Dashie!"
A massive tree filled my field of vision. Instinctively, I aimed for an open window, trying to buy myself more time to slow down. Wait, a tree with windo--
"No, check it out! I know it sounds stupid, but it's a really well written show! Just give it a chance, I promise, you'll like it."
"Dave, it's My Little Pony. It's the epitome of girly fru-fru kids stuff. Barbie is less girly than My Little Pony."
"Seriously, it's awesome!"
"Seriously, you're bent!"
"Mike..."
"No, look, I'm sorry, Dave. I... I didn't mean it like that. I mean like, well, you remember that Dungeons and Dragons cartoon, and how I got all excited about it back when it came out, and you used to tease me about it?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, that's kind of how you're acting about this pony stuff. I'm glad you found something to get that excited about..."
"...uh-huh..."
"But it's PONIES."
The world came back, slowly, and it was odd. It took me some time to get my bearings, mainly because the room I was in was strange. It was like something out of Tolkien -- a hobbit-hole, only if the hobbit was really into books. I tried to look around, but my head was throbbing so badly that the act of moving it made me want to vomit. Concussion, then. Great.
I shut my eyes tightly, trying to stop the world from throbbing and spinning, but that just made the headache worse.
A concerned voice called out from somewhere. "Are you all right down there, Rainbow Dash?"
I moaned, feeling my stomach churn.
"I'd say no, Twi," a second voice called out. Younger. Male, kind of scratchy. Also, enirely too loud.
"Mmrrf," I managed. "Not so loud, please?"
"Sorry, Rainbow Dash," the second voice said. Someone put an ice pack on my head, and I sighed. "That better?"
"Much, thank y--" I chose that moment to open my eyes again, and froze mid-word. Less than two inches from my face was... a. Well, it was purple. Except for the parts that were green. It had scales. Judging from the size of the eyes, and the somewhat pudgy proportions, it was also juvenile.
"What?" The purple thing looked confused. "Do I have something on my face?" It rubbed its muzzle with a hand-like claw. "Did I get it?" It rubbed again. "How 'bout now?"
"Spike," the first voice called out, "you're not bothering Rainbow Dash, are you? You know she's hurt. Why don't you go down to market and pick up some more oats, huh?"
The purple thing -- Spike -- shrugged. "Okay, Twi." So saying, it turned around, leaving the ice pack balanced on top of my head. I noticed the emerald fins running down its back to its thick, spade-tipped tail. A dragon. Spike was a baby dragon.
The door slammed behind him and I winced at the sudden noise, which made the ice pack fall off of my head. I reached out to catch it, putting it back in place before freezing again.
That had not been a hand I caught the ice pack with.
It had been a sky blue hoof.
Panic swept through me again. I flung myself back from the offending appendage, bracing myself against a wall. My wings were pinned awkwardly between me and... when the hell did I get wings? I started to panic, realized I was already panicking, and got thoroughly confused instead.
That's when the owner of the first voice came down the stairs opposite the wall I was braced against. It was a purple unicorn. Judging by the proportions, it was a pony unicorn. Or a unicorn pony. A ponicorn? A unipony? It smiled at me, trying to hide its concern.
"Rainbow Dash? Are you all right?"
I screamed, turned to flee, and ran headlong into the bookshelf I had been braced against. Oh, I thought. No wonder that felt so awkward against my back, those books were jammed right into my kidneys! Then a book fell off the shelf onto my already traumatized head, knocking me out for at least the second time that day.
"Look, at least give it a try, all right? One episode."
"All right, fine, if it'll shut you up. One episode. One."
...
"What?"
"Well, it's just... the pilot's a two parter."
"Tell you what. We'll watch the first part and if I like it, we'll go on to part two, okay?"
Consciousness returned, slowly. I opened my eyes, finding myself face to face with the greenest eyes I have ever seen. A cascade of -- no kidding -- pink hair obscured one of them, but they were very expressive, and what they expressed was concern.
"Agh, my head," I moaned, eliciting a startled sound from the eyes.
"Oh... Oh my. Rainbow Dash, are you all right?"
I screwed up my eyes. "No, I'm not all right!" My voice sounded off. Harsh, a little scratchy, and higher pitched than it should. "I crashed into a tree, dropped a book on my head, I've got a pounding headache, and everyone keeps calling me this weird name!"
The concerned eyes let out a tiny "eep" sound, and their owner cringed away from me. It was a yellow pony, about the same proportions as the purple unicorn from a few minutes earlier. Its mane and tail were pink, its body was a soft yellow, and it was absolutely terrified of me, hiding behind one of the many bookshelves in the room.
I frowned. "Look," I said. "I'm sorry. I'm just... I've got a really bad headache, and I'm very confused, and... I didn't mean to lash out at you like that. Okay?"
Slowly, hesitantly, the yellow pony came out of hiding, and I realized that it -- no, it was quite clearly female, judging from the voice and the eyes at least -- she had wings folded up on either side, as well as some kind of marking on her flank in the shape of three pink butterflies.
This was all becoming horribly familiar. I had a sinking feeling I knew, at least partly, what was going on.
"I need a mirror," I said. "Please."
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Rainbow Dash: Girl U Want
Rainbow Dash:
Fastest Fall in Equestria Chapter 2: Girl U Want
There comes a time in everypony's life when they question their reason for living. You invite all your friends to a party but they all make excuses. You go to a big major event just to see all the little animals and they run away from you. You make beautiful dresses for your friends and they all make you rework them into the ugliest things you've laid eyes on. You're gearing up for the biggest flying competition in Equestria, and you still can't pull off the stunt your whole routine is built around.
If you're lucky, when that happens, your friends are there for you. If not, maybe you muddle through. Maybe you live your life with a shadow of doubt hanging over you forever. And maybe, if you're lucky -- or unlucky, I still haven't figured that out -- a portal to another world will open right in front of you right when you're lost in some serious soul searching thought.
I'll spare you the freak out when I realized I wasn't a pegasus pony anymore. Suffice to say, it involved not coping well with the whole "no wings" bit, coping even less well with what hands are like -- I thought I had some kind of worms on my hooves and they were eating me, all right? Instead, we'll skip ahead a few minutes to when I started getting a handle on things. Kind of.
I was still pretty wobbly walking around on back legs only. Or, y'know, being a two-legged critter. If you're a pony and you're reading this -- how? How did you get internet access from Equestria? Pinkie Pie, is that you? You're so random!
Anyway, yeah, ponies can stand on our back legs for a little bit when we're making gestures and such, but it ain't easy. Takes loads and loads of practice. Or being Pinkie Pie -- Hi again, Pinkie Pie. Stop reading this, it's not for pony eyes -- she's just... well, Pinkie Pie. Walking around on two legs? All the time? I imagine it would take a couple of years of practice.
Mike's friend Dave says it takes humans a couple of years, too. He says it takes time before they can even walk around on all fours, which is totally weird. I can't imagine what it's like to be that helpless. So anyway, yeah, ponies rock, pegasus ponies are awesome, and I am best pony. We all knew this anyway.
Fortunately for me, Mike has spent his entire life walking around on his back legs. If I didn't think about it, I found myself walking around just like him. Of course, then I'd think about it and I would fall flat on my -- his -- face.
I have no idea what standards humans use for beauty. I hope I didn't make him ugly with all those faceplants, but it couldn't be helped, okay? Once again, if you're a pony and you're reading this: None of the above paragraph and a half are true, I was instantly graceful and awesome in his body, and you should really stop reading this, Pinkie Pie.
It took quite a while to convince Dave that I really was Rainbow Dash in his friend's body. I guess it helped that Mike had no idea who I am at the time, making it easy for Dave to realize my claim wasn't an elaborate prank. Or maybe that Dave is totally head-over-hooves for me, which didn't make the whole being in his best guy friend's body awkward at all.
Anyway, that raised the whole question of how Dave knew about ponies in the first place. I mean yeah, everypony knows how awesome I am, but Dave's y'know, not a pony. He started hemming and hawing and "um"ing and "well"ing and generally sounded like Twilight when she has bad news she doesn't want to give someone.
"Spill it."
"It's kind of complicated," he said.
"Simplify it for me," I growled, grabbing his shirt with my -- Mike's -- hands and pulling him in close.
It's really difficult to see a human's pupils dilate, so I guess it's a good thing we were muzzle-to-muzzle. "Okay, okay! Sheesh, anyone ever tell you you're kind of aggressive?"
"Only every other week," I admitted. "It's part of my awesome charm."
"Right, well... I'm going to have to build up to this. I assume Equestria has fiction."
"Duh! Ever since the first pony came back to her cave with less than a full harvest."
"Cave ponies. That..." He paused. "That is probably the funniest mental image I've had all week." After a moment of chuckling, he shook his head, then continued. "Anyway, we've got these things called cartoons, which are -- short, inaccurate version, magically animated drawings."
"Right, I don't want the long version. This is getting too long as it is. Step it up, wouldja?"
He chuckled weakly again, then I guess I was looking a bit aggressive again, because he started talking like Pinkie-Pie-fast: "So we've got a made-up cartoon about you and your friends and I can show it to you now but that's probably a really bad idea."
"Wait, so you have stories about me and my friends?" I felt a smile spreading across my face. "Awesome."
I'll spare you the whole "computer equals magic information box" conversation. Let's just say that every thing in your world got explained away as a "magic whatever box/bowl/carriage/train" and when he later admitted your world doesn't even have magic, it made everything I knew a total lie. I would have totally punked him on this, but I'd just gotten him really good with another prank and I didn't wanna hurt his feelings, ya know?
So yeah, the first thing Dave did upon meeting a pony was to show me the show. Is that what you humans call "meta-humor"? I honestly don't know. Twilight would, which makes me pretty sure I don't much want to know.
I bet you're really curious to know what I think of the show. Fact is, it's more-or-less accurate. A few things that need to be clarified now.
1) Pinkie Pie really does just burst into song at the drop of a hat. It'd be unnerving if it wasn't so darn entertaining.
Okay, enough listing things. I'm not Twilight Sparkle, and I don't want my Honorary Egghead Association membership card when I get back to Equestria, so we're done with this. Yeah, the show's cool, but it could totally be cooler. Check it out: My Little Pony: Rainbow Dash is Awesome . Someone write to Lauren Faust right now, you'll be swimming in bits before the week is out! Awwww, yeah!
All in all, I'd say that my initial visit to your world started off pretty awesome. Until I started to feel the call of nature, if ya know what I mean. I will spare you, again, the conversation about how ponies relieve ourselves vs. the human way. Dave spent as little time explaining "the magic poo and pee bowl" as possible.
It wasn't until after I freaked out and started punching the larger flesh-devouring worm that had attached itself to me that I remembered that Mike was male.
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Mike: I was beginning to figure out a bit of what had happened, but I had a long way to go before all the pieces fell into place. Fortunately, I had a lot of help figuring it out.
Fastest Fall in Equestria I'm Gonna Be
I stared at myself in the mirror provided. My body -- well, not my body, but the body I was in -- was startling. I was sleek, sky blue, and topped with a striped mane in all the colors of the rainbow. No wonder they keep calling me that. I angled myself at the mirror, noticing that this body's tail had the same rainbow coloration as the mane.
"Rainbow Dash," the quiet yellow pegasus said, "are you all right?"
I was staring, I realized. Fascinated with the sleek lines of my borrowed body. I couldn't tear my eyes away. My violet eyes, I realized with a start. The body had its own reflexes. In response to the shock of seeing such an unusual eye color, its wings flared out dramatically. "Wow," I said in a whisper.
"Um..." The pink-maned pegasus poked her head around in front of the mirror. "Rainbow Dash?"
"Gyah!" She'd gotten awfully close while I was distracted. Of course, as soon as I shouted, she vanished behind the mirror again with a squeak. Communicating with this one was going to take some patience, I began to realize.
"Are... are you all right?"
I frowned. "I... frankly, I don't know how to answer that."
"Fluttershy," a voice called out from another room. I recognized the voice as belonging to the purple unicorn pony from earlier. "Is she up?"
"Um... yes," the yellow pegasus -- Fluttershy -- said softly. "Yes," she said a bit louder. "But she's... she's acting odd." Quickly, she turned back to me. "Um. Sorry, I don't mean anything by it, it's just that--" the sentence devolved into incomprehensible squeaking as she became visibly more nervous with each word.
The purple unicorn came back into the room, a fresh ice pack floating in the air beside her head. I could just make out a purple glow around the ice pack, and a similar glow around her horn. I could feel the blood draining from my face as the implications sank in.
"Um... hi?" I said, unsure where to start.
"Hi, Rainbow," the unicorn said. "Let me guess: you were trying a new stunt, and it didn't quite work out?"
"I..."
The unicorn came so close our noses -- muzzles, I guess -- were almost touching. "Look at my horn," she instructed matter-of-factly. She began to sway back and forth. "Hold your head still and follow the tip of my horn with your eyes."
I had difficulty tracking her horn, even though I was staring at it. My head was still pounding, and wave upon wave of nausea swept through me. I couldn't take it anymore, and clenched my eyes shut, fighting off the nausea.
"Bucket," the unicorn said briskly, and I heard the sound of wood scraping across wood.
"Let me guess," I said, still struggling with the urge to vomit. "Concussion?"
"Yes," the unicorn said, exasperated. "And you're lucky it's not worse, Rainbow Dash. I can't stand watching one of my friends taking her life into her own hooves like that. I want you to promise me you'll clear any stunts with me before you try them. Pinkie Pie Swear."
I frowned. "Miss," I said. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"What?"
"I don't know where I am, who you are, or... well, who you think I am."
The nausea faded, and I opened my eyes slowly, just in time to see the horrified looks on the two ponies' faces.
* * * * *
In retrospect, I suppose the reaction my statement triggered was predictable. It would have helped if I'd known who I was speaking to, honestly, but let's face it. If one of your close-knit circle of friends claimed no memory of you after a head trauma, you would probably regard it as a sign of severe brain damage too.
Fluttershy, which I learned was the name of the pale yellow pegasus with the immaculately groomed pink mane and tail, was left to keep me from moving around too much while the unicorn, Twilight, immediately began yanking books off of shelves and tossing them around with reckless abandon.
Honestly, the last thing I wanted to do was move around. Just watching Twilight was making me nauseated.
"No," she muttered, casting aside a book as useless. I barely dodged the heavy tome in time, and as the nausea from said movement drove me back to the bucket to lose what little of my -- or rather, Rainbow Dash's -- lunch I hadn't already purged, I thought about the title: Mental Trauma and You , by Flora Schrie-Boer. Despite the fact I was in some kind of alien world whose main race was, well, ponies, the name seemed familiar.
"Okay! Okay, I think I have it." Twilight was in front of me again, her horn glowing with a gentle purple aura while an open book hovered in front of her with the same lavender glow. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Pony Disorders , the title read. Great, I was going to be diagnosed by an amateur with a copy of the pony DSM-IV. I'd be better off in the hands of one of my fellow students. But they weren't anywhere to be found.
"Okay... Let's see." She flipped rapidly through the pages. "DO YOU KNOW," she said very loudly, slowly, and distinctly, triggering another bout of the dry heaves, "WHERE YOU ARE?"
I tried forcibly holding my head still with my hooves to stop the room from spinning. "Please not so loud. I have a concussion. I am neither deaf nor an idiot."
She chuckled self-consciously, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof. I blinked. How in the heck was that even possible? Equines of all stripes -- speaking of which, I wondered briefly if this world had zebras in it -- should be completely unable to reach the back of their head without some serious contortion, but she was doing it naturally. "Oh. Ehehehe... Sorry. I got a little... excited." She grinned. "I honestly didn't think I'd get to use this book when I ordered it."
I frowned. "I understand," I said, even though I didn't, really. "Just... anyway, no. I have no idea where I am. Although at a guess, I'd have to say... a library?"
Twilight grinned. "Great! Okay, so you retain basic concepts, that's good. At least, I think that's good." She flipped a few more pages. "Do you know who is princess of Equestria right now?"
I frowned. "Princess of what now?"
Twilight's jaw dropped far further than it should be able to. "Equestria." She started flipping through pages again. "Okay, better do this another way. Do you know who you are?"
I nodded, slowly, so as not to trigger another set of the dry heaves -- if you've never had dry heaves, let me just say they're among the worst things you can experience without severe risk to life and limb. "Of course. My name is Michael Alan Davis. I'm twenty-four years old, and a medical student at the University of Texas."
Twilight blinked. "The university of what now?"
"Who?" a voice said from outside of my field of vision. I turned to look, but didn't see anybody, or any ponies, for that matter.
"Michael Alan Davis," I said. "But you can call me Mike."
"Who?" The voice was coming from to my left, somewhere around where a brown bird was sitting on a perch.
"Mike," I said, enunciating very carefully.
The bird turned its head a good hundred degrees to face me, and spoke again. "Who?"
I facepalmed. I was getting into an argument, it turned out, with an owl.
"Ooookay," Twilight said nervously, "Mike, was it?"
I returned my attention to her and nodded slowly. "Yes," I said. "Mike."
"All right... Mike. And... I've never heard of a city called Texas. Although... I don't suppose it's near Appleloosa? Something about the name says Appleloosa to me."
I frowned. That... that was a double pun. A one-word double pun. On the horse breed Appaloosa, with the word "Apple" substituted for the first two syllables. As the name of a place. "Texas," I said, "isn't a city. It's a state."
"I don't follow."
"I live in the city of Austin, in the state of Texas, in the country the United States of America. Barack Obama is President. The year is 2011. It's August. Twentieth, if I remember right."
"Twilight?" The quiet pegasus interrupted. "Does... any of that make sense to you?" She looked at me. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to suggest that you're not making sense, but... I've never heard of any of those places. Not that I'm saying they don't exist, but... That is to say, I mean... I'm sorry?" Her voice got faster, quieter and higher pitched with each word, the final "I'm sorry" so faint and high pitched it was almost impossible to tell they were actually words instead of just a nervous squeak. It was adorable .
Twilight frowned. "President?" She set aside the DSM (DSMP?) and pulled out an atlas. "Can you show me where that is on a map of the world?" she asked, opening the book to the first plate -- a two page map of the globe. The map was similar, but not identical, to Earth.
"How accurate is this map?" I asked.
"Very," Twilight replied.
"Then I'm from right here," I said, indicating a spot with the tip of my hoof. "Just northeast of this... Appleloosa you were talking about earlier."
"That can't be right," Twilight said. "That's buffalo."
"Buffalo's in New York," I said, frowning even more than Twilight. "See? Right here where it... says... Tell me that doesn't say 'Manehattan.'"
"Of course it says Manehattan. That's what the city is called! Manehattan!"
This was going to be exceptionally trying for both of us, I realized. "Manehattan. And I suppose the capitol is called, I don't know, Washingpony or something?"
Twilight let out a frustrated growl. "Rainbow Dash, you know very well the capitol is Canterlot!"
"How many times do I have to say I'm not-- wait." I looked her in the eye as steadily as my blurring vision would allow. "Did you say 'Canter lot'?" I laughed. "Not 'Cametrot'? Or you could go for the double pun and make it 'Canter-trot'." I couldn't take it anymore. "No," I paraphrased, "on second thought, let's not go to Canterlot. It is a silly place."
Twilight frowned. "You are weird," she said, "Rainbow Dash or not."
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Mike: Have You Ever Seen the Rain?
Mike: Once you get past the whole pastel-colored magical talking ponies thing, Equestria's still a pretty weird place, it turns out.
Fastest Fall in Equestria Have You Ever Seen the Rain?
It took a few minutes to convince Twilight that I really wasn't her friend Rainbow Dash, and surprisingly little time after that to convince her I meant no harm. Fluttershy, for her part, did a good job treating my concussion, the worst effects of which were fading rapidly, but was almost impossible to engage in conversation.
"Okay, Mike," Twilight said. "Don't worry. We'll figure this out and get you back in your world and Rainbow Dash back here in no time. Now you just take it easy. I'm going to see what I can dig up on dimensional travel." She grinned. "Good thing I live in a library, huh?"
After a few minutes of failed attempts at getting anything comprehensible from Fluttershy, I sighed and looked around. Unsurprisingly, there was a book on the end table beside me. Curious, I glanced at the cover. "Historie of Equestria," I read aloud. Oh, well, I thought, if I'm going to be here for any length of time, it couldn't hurt to learn something about the place. I nudged it over with a hoof, and spent a moment trying to figure out how to open it before Fluttershy poked her head between me and the book, lifting the cover open with her lips.
"There you are," she said. "Unless, that, um... did you want to figure it out yourself, because I can put it back if you... eep!" As I looked over towards her, she shrank back further, finally darting behind the end table.
"Thank you very much," I said softly, then turned back to the book. Before I could start reading it, however, Twilight returned.
"Well, if I ever doubted your story," she said, "that pretty much clinches it."
"What's that?"
"Rainbow Dash. Reading a book." She grinned. "Oh, that's one of my favorites! You know, if it wasn't for that book, I probably would never have met my friends." Her horn glowed, and the pages turned over to the first chapter. "I reread this part so often I have it memorized."
I glanced down at the illustrated tome, and began to read while Twilight recited the passage from memory: "Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land..."
* * * * *
"...and harmony has been maintained in Equestria for generations since." Twilight sighed. "Of course," she said, "the story doesn't end there."
"Well duh , silly," an exuberant voice chimed out from my other side. I turned quickly to find another pony face-to-face with me, apparently having been reading over my shoulder the entire time. This pony was pink. Incredibly, vibrantly pink. Her giant blue eyes sparkled with mirth, and her mane was a disaster that made my usual bed-head look downright tame by comparison. "It's history , and history doesn't end! It just keeps going and going, with new exciting things every day!"
Twilight grinned. "Pinkie Pie," she said, "I didn't know you were interested in history."
What a fitting name, I thought, while Pinkie Pie bounced off of the bed I was laying on and hopped around it to the same side Twilight and Fluttershy were on. "Of course I am, Twilight! So many great things happened in the past, every single day! And that means so very, very many reasons to celebrate!"
Fluttershy poked her head out from behind the end table. "Pinkie Pie once tried to get the Mayor to declare every day a holiday," she said with a grin, "and had a big stack of research to back it up. Didn't you, Pinkie Pie?"
Pinkie Pie nodded, grinning. "Uh-huh! She even kept a couple of them, too! Like Founder's Day, and Popcorn Plaza Day, and..." She trailed off, staring at me. "Wait a minute," she said, eyeing me suspiciously. "You're not Rainbow Dash!"
I was too startled to respond. Fortunately, Twilight was ready. "No, Pinkie Pie. We're still trying to figure out what happened, but Mike here and Rainbow Dash somehow switched places."
Pinkie Pie turned around to face her friend. "Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?" she asked. "Do you have any idea how much prep time I've wasted here?" She galloped towards the door, then screeched to a halt -- literally, her hooves squealed like tires. Slowly, she stalked back over to me. "And you... "
"Me?" I looked over at Twilight and Fluttershy for help, but they didn't move.
"I'll see you later," she said coldly, before stalking out.
"And that," said Twilight, "is Pinkie Pie."
"No offense," I said, "but she kind of creeps me out."
"Be glad she wasn't the first pony you met when you got here," she said.
"Oh, I think if she was the first pony I met in Ponyville, I'd have been too scared to meet anypony else," Fluttershy put in.
Twilight chuckled. "Well, she was the first pony I met, and believe me, if I hadn't been on official business, I probably would have just gotten right back on that sky carriage and headed back to Canterlot."
I tilted my head, curious. "Why?" I asked. "What did she do?"
"She just jumped in the air, gasped, and ran off without a word." Twilight laughed. "I found out later she ran off to set up my 'Welcome to Ponyville' party."
"So you're from Canterlot," I said. "I have to say, the name sort of conjures up mental images for me. I suppose it's a big magical castle sort of place?"
Twilight smiled. "It is," she replied. "It's beautiful."
"So why did you move here?"
"Well," she said, "it all started with that story about the royal pony sisters," she said. "I decided to look up the Elements of Harmony, and..."
* * * * *
"Wow," I said as Twilight finished her story. "So the current princesses are the same royal pony sisters from that story?"
Twilight nodded.
"Where are the Elements of Harmony now?" I said.
"Princess Celestia took them back to Canterlot to put them in a safe place in case they're ever needed again," Twilight said. "Anyway, after the celebration, she gave me a new assignment." She held her head up proudly. "I'm studying the Magic of Friendship here in Ponyville with the friends I made on that adventure. I send her regular reports on what I've learned, and, well, in between that, I run the Books and Branches Library."
I grinned. "Must be nice, living in a library," I said.
Before Twilight could answer, the door flew open, revealing someone she'd mentioned in her tale, but that I'd yet to meet: her dragon assistant, Spike.
"Hey, Twilight, have you seen Rainbow Dash? It's raining cats and dogs out there, and the Mayor's been looking all over f--" He stopped. "Oh, there you are, Rainbow Dash," he said. "Why haven't you done anything about this storm?"
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Rainbow Dash: Warm Leatherette
Author's Note: WARNING! This chapter gets way darker than I originally intended, for about a page or so. I wanted to keep this lighthearted. I really did. The closest I wanted to come to dark was a bit poignant and tear-jerky (later on). But darn it, the topic of war was broached last chapter, and that led me to terrorism, and that led me to have Dave try to explain what kind of fear drives peoples' reactions to a terrorist attack, and even though I ended up cutting details out of his laundry-list of horrible things to do to ponies, it's still a horrible list. Also, leave it to the dark chapter to (I think) be the longest Rainbow Dash chapter yet. It's 'cause I missed writing so much. Totally.
Main Character's Note: It's because I'm totally boss and you know it.
Real Main Character's Note: Both of you shut up so we can finish this chapter and get back to how I'm supposed to deal with RD's responsibilities.
Fastest Fall in Equestria Warm Leatherette
Rainbow Dash: Dave stared at me, color draining from his face so quickly, I thought he was being cursed by Discord. He started to speak, then frowned, shut up, and sat down heavily.
"I don't really know how to answer that," he said. "It's not an easy question to answer."
"Dave," I said.
"No, hear me out," he said. "Sometimes, people disagree, right? And sometimes, whether we want it to or not, those disagreements get violent. Well, sometimes those disagreements--"
"Dave," I tried again, a bit louder.
"Well," Dave continued, trying to finish his explanation, "those disagreements get huge. Between whole countries. And the violence of those sorts of disagreements is horrifying. People killing each other by the hundreds, often over things that are beyond their control, because communication between the people in charge has broken down."
"Dave," I said, clamping a hand over his mouth, "I know what war is."
"What?"
I laughed. "It was a joke, silly."
"Wait, Equestria has war?"
"Not in a long time," I admitted. "Twilight Sparkle would be the pony to ask about the reasons, but I'm not completely ignorant. You know what my biggest dream is, right?"
Dave nodded. "You're going to be a Wonderbolt," he said.
I grinned. "You know it," I said. "Anyway, because they mean so much to me, I read everything there was to read on the Wonderbolts. Did you know that they got their start as an elite aerial combat unit?"
Dave frowned. "That... makes sense," he acknowledged. "It wasn't common knowledge, but I've read a few fics where people put that forward as a theory. Probably because our equivalents -- the Blue Angels and the Thunderbirds -- are part of our armed forces."
I nodded. "I've seen what you guys know about our world -- basically, just what's in that cartoon, and interviews from the 'creators' -- and everything there is accurate. So you know about what constitutes a major battle in modern Equestria -- the fight at Appleloosa was one of the biggest in recent history. But it's not that ponies don't know what constitutes what you'd call a real battle."
Dave nodded his understanding. "So what you're saying," he said, "is that ponies have had war, real war , in the past, and when faced with the sort of things that cause it... just choose not to fight? "
I laughed. "Yeah, 'cause kicking a dragon in the face is totally not fighting." I frowned, looking around the apartment. "Look," I said, "can we talk about this somewhere else? Like, outside?"
Dave's frown mirrored my own, then deepened. "I'm not so sure that's a good idea," he said.
I grabbed his collar and dragged him right up to my muzzle. "Dave," I said, "have you ever seen a pegasus pony with cabin fever?" I asked rhetorically. (Hey, check me out, bronies: Rainbow Dash knows how to spell "rhetorically." Aww, yeah . Grammar just got 20% cooler.)
He shook his head and squeaked.
"It is not," I said, punctuating each word with a shake, "a pretty picture. Ask anypony ."
* * * * *
As we headed out to get a bite to eat and continue our discussion on boring old history junk, I was introduced to probably the weirdest aspect of human -- or at least American -- culture. I realize you guys aren't nearly as fast as me. I understand that. I get that you guys use cars and stuff to make up for how slow you guys walk. I'm fine with that -- I couldn't imagine getting around as slowly as you guys (and gals) walk. No problem.
But half the fun of going somewhere fast is feeling it. So spending the trip from one enclosed space to another inside a third enclosed space? Not cool, awesome, or radical. Stopping every block or two? Ugh. And don't get me started on the smells. You want to know how Earth cities smell to a pony? Like Spike burning up one of Twilight's chemistry experiments, except the smell is everywhere . I almost lost my appetite.
Anyway, we stopped at a couple of places, looking for something we both could agree on. I get that humans are omnivores. I really do. But the thought of eating meat, even in somepon-- uh, somebody else's body? Way gross.
* * * * *
"Anyway," I said around a mouthful of spicy bean burrito, "the point isn't that ponies don't fight . It's that we don't wage war. "
Dave nodded. "At the risk of sounding stupid, why not?"
I laughed, which got a bit of green sauce in my nose -- not a fun thing to happen, but at least I didn't have to smell the... what did Dave call it? Exhaustion? In any case, I took it like a mare and did not cough, sneeze, or have watery eyes, because that would be uncool, unawesome, and unradical by, like, miles. No matter what Dave says. "Well, duh," I said. "War sucks. I mean, yeah, the stuff ponies fight with is pretty cool, and you gotta be fast and way cool to pull off the kind of aerial maneuvers that a good pegasus fighter can do, but the fighting itself? ...No, actually, that's pretty awesome. Um..."
Dave chuckled. "I think I get what you're trying to say," he said. "In the end, no matter how dramatic it is, you're talking about people killing each other. Whenever there's a war, someone dies. Hundreds, thousands, in a couple of cases, even millions ."
Now it was my turn to turn pale. "Did you just seriously say 'millions'? Like, in one war?"
Dave didn't answer.
"What kind of bucked-up world is this, anyway?"
Dave shrugged. "Answering that," he said, "would take years. It's different from what you're used to, though, I'll say that much. We've had long, dark periods, and precious few bright ones. Most of the time, it's hard to even tell if we're living in one or the other - everything seems so bleak most of the time."
"Oh, it can't be as bad as all that," I said. Boy, was I wrong. Dave proceeded to explain to me what terrorism was. He did it by taking a terrible event from recent Earth history and ponyfiying it -- oh, shut up stupid red squiggly line, that is too a word.
"Why would anypony do that ?" I asked in, let's face it, outright horror.
"To scare people. To make them too afraid to fight back. To hurt them because, in the eyes of the ones that did it, they deserved it."
"Nopony deserves to die," I countered.
Dave shrugged. "You remember that story you thought was so funny where Pinkie Pie was doing those terrible things to you?"
I grinned. "Hay, yeah, " I said. "I even got an idea for a sequel!"
"What if somepony did that to all your friends?"
"What, wrote stories like that about them?" I laughed harder. "Oh, man, that would be great! I can totally see Twilight Sparkle all 'mua-ha-ha, I kill ponies for science!'"
"No," he said, either not getting that I'd rather talk about messed-up fanfics than what he was driving at, or too determined to care. "What if somepony tortured your friends to death?"
"I'd, uh..." I frowned. "I'd totally kick their flanks straight to Canterlot and let the Princesses deal with them in court!"
"Would you? If they, say, broke Applejack's legs, and made her try to walk on them before killing her?"
"That's seriously wrong. You need to stop now."
"If they cut off Twilight Sparkle's horn one inch at a time, and used the bits to cut her up?"
"You are a sick sick man and I want you to stop talking right now."
"If they cut off Fluttershy's wings and fed them to a manticore right in front of--"
I couldn't take it anymore. "SHUT UP!"
"What would you do?" he persisted.
"IF ANYONE DID ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO FLUTTERSHY -- TO ANY OF MY FRIENDS -- I'D KILL 'EM SLOW, AND I'D ENJOY IT!"
"You would?"
I tried not to cry, not to let him know how badly he'd rattled me. "Heck yeah," I said, sniffliing. "They'd deserve-- Oh." One point to the human. "Okay, um... That was really emotional and stuff and I'd like to change the subject now."
"Right. So back to the original topic at hand -- terrorism. So picture those ponies I was talking about before that. The ones who attacked Manehattan. What if they did it because they were told that one of the princesses was Nightmare Moon?"
"But..." I frowned. "We totally kicked Nightmare Moon's flank. Princess Luna's a pretty cool mare, y'know. She totally pranked me on Nightmare Night, it was classic ."
Immediately, Dave's hands went over his funny-shaped ears. (Seriously, you humans have really weird ears. It's the weirdest thing about you.) "Ah! Spoilers! Lalalalalala! No spoiling season two!"
I laughed. I needed a good laugh, and I honestly think Dave knew that. He's an okay guy when he's not being downright evil just to prove a stupid point. "Anyway, I'd just talk to 'em."
"They wouldn't listen."
"Why not?"
"Because all Equestrian ponies are under Nightmare Moon's evil spell, obviously. And if they start sounding like they're making sense, it's either because they're lying, they don't know any better, or they're putting the same spell on you."
"That's the silliest thing I ever heard."
"Oh, really?" Dave got a wicked gleam in his eyes, and, to my horror (and eternal embarrassment), began to sing.
"She's an evil enchantress
I couldn't resist. I joined him on the last "WATCH OUT! " "Okay, okay," I relented. "I get the point. Except, if I'm being honest, we were all really silly to believe those old mares' tales about zebras."
"But you believed 'em, nonetheless. So much so, when bad things started happening, you thought she put a curse on you."
"So we did," I admitted.
"Now imagine a whole country full of zebras."
"I have. I always wonder if they have pegasus zebras and unicorn zebras?"
Hay, a thing I've noticed about bronies? You guys get sidetracked pretty easily when it comes to little details about Equestria. It took, like, ten whole minutes of joking and laughing about Zebra Dash and Twilight Zebra and Zebrity and Zebrashy and Zebrajack and... we both decided the absolute last thing we wanted to discuss was Zebra Pie. In the words of Ponyville's most famous panicker, "the horror, the horror!"
Okay, yeah, I get sidetracked pretty easily too. Anyway, he made his point, and we had fun talking about pony stuff, and then the creepiest thing happened.
"Do you smell that?"
I frowned. "All I smell is that awful stink those car things make," I said.
"Smells like rain." As soon as he said it, I noticed it, too. Hidden behind the stink of car fatigue -- er, exhaustion, or whatever -- was the dusty-attic smell of a good stormcloud ready to drop a payload of life-giving water. I looked up and saw absolutely huge storm clouds rolling in... all on their own.
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Mike: There's "in over your head," there's "in deep shit," and then there's what happens when an entire town is depending on you to apply skills you've never learned in a world you've barely even heard of before.
Fastest Fall in Equestria Learning to Fly
I blinked at the little purple dragon. "Run that by me again?"
"I said, the mayor wants to know when you're going to do something about this storm! Geez, Dash, how hard did you hit your head?"
"Um," I said. I'd like to blame the concussion for my confusion. Of course a land with magical talking ponies would have some sort of magic system in place to deal with weather. That didn't change the fact that I had no idea what the system was , mind you. Obviously, however, Rainbow Dash was responsible for the local weather. And there was no way I could fulfill that responsibility, particularly not when I was laid up like this.
"Um," I said again.
"Oh dear," Fluttershy put in. "Spike, I'm afraid Rainbow Dash won't be able to fulfill her responsibilities today." She stared out the window in thought for a moment. "Spike, would you be so kind and go let Ditzy Doo know that Rainbow Dash isn't feeling quite herself today, and would she pretty please with muffins on top fill in for a day or two?"
Spike snapped an adorable little salute. "On it, Fluttershy," he said, and headed back to the door, before pausing. "Um... do you know where she is?"
Fluttershy frowned, shaking her head. "Oh... oh, my," she said. "I don't... I'm terribly sorry, Spike."
"What's the matter?" I hadn't seen Twilight enter the room, and turning to face her as she joined the conversation was a huge mistake. The nausea didn't return, but the headache sure did.
"Oh, dear, Twilight," Fluttershy said, "there's a big, nasty storm forming and it's not on the schedule, and since Rainbow Dash can't take care of it--"
"She'd better not," Twilight said, glaring at me.
"Did we forget a minor detail here, Miss Sparkle?" I interjected.
"Oh... Oh yeah. Mike, right." Twilight had the decency to look embarrassed that she'd apparently forgotten the biggest flaw in the "Rainbow Dash fixes things" plan.
"Oh, my, I hate to interrupt," Fluttershy piped in, "but I was just saying that Ditzy Doo is Rainbow Dash's second this week, and that she needed to be told about--"
"Concussion," I said, forestalling any talk about Invasion of the Pony-Snatchers-style mind-swaps.
"Right," Twilight Sparkle said, apparently agreeing with me. "Hmm. Spike, try the school," she said. "I think they'll be letting out about now, and--"
Spike grinned. "Ditzy Doo would never leave Dinky hangin'. You got it, Twi!" With that, and another salute, he was out the door in a blur.
I heaved a sigh of relief. "That was a close one," I said.
"No kidding," Twilight agreed. "I love Spike like a brother, but the last thing we need is for him to start telling ponies about what happened to you and Rainbow Dash. It would be a disaster!"
I grinned. "It would be bad ," I acknowledged, "but a disaster?"
Twilight Sparkle nodded. "Rioting in the streets, torches and pitchforks... It would turn a relatively minor problem into an enormously huge entire-town-in-total-chaos Princess-has-to-come-and-save-the-day problem."
I gasped. "You're exaggerating," I accused.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," Fluttershy said, "but she isn't. Ponyville is a relatively peaceful town, but..." She frowned, apparently not sure how to continue without speaking ill of an entire town full of ponies.
Twilight came to the rescue. "It's practically proven: no pony panics like a Ponyville pony."
I frowned. "You did that on purpose," I accused.
Twilight grinned. "Alliterations are awesome and always appropriate," she replied.
I groaned. "So, I guess that's one problem solved," I said. "Really, though, is it all right, trusting something that important to someone named Ditzy Doo?"
Twilight was in my face in a heartbeat. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with Ditzy," she snapped. "Honestly, I'm ashamed of you, making fun of a pony like that. What's wrong with you, Rainbow Dash?"
I frowned. "Um." I seemed to be saying that a lot, actually.
"Oh. Right," Twilight Sparkle said. "You don't know. Sorry." She took a step back. "Ditzy Doo is the town's deliverypony," she explained. "Mostly, she's a wonderful pony. But she can be a bit scatterbrained at times. And she's got an... eye... thing."
I frowned. "An eye thing?"
"If you must know," Twilight explained, "she suffers from an intermittent strabismic amblyopia in both eyes. It can mess with her depth perception and directional sense at times."
I frowned. "That... you can't have two lazy eyes. It's just not possible."
Twilight blinked. "It's really weird that you understood that. Really."
"Medical student," I said. "But that doesn't change the fact that what you said is just plain not possible."
Twilight frowned and rolled her eyes. "Well, we don't know it's in both eyes. It's intermittent. It really doesn't make sense, but it's part of who she is. Some ponies even call her 'Derpy' because of it."
"Hey, new pony here. Why are you glaring at me?"
"Right, right. You're not Rainbow Dash. It's... really hard to remember that sometimes."
"Well, with any luck, you won't have to remember it for long."
Twilight rubbed the back of her neck, looking everywhere but at me. "About that," she said.
"You're not giving up, are you?"
"No..."
"Then what's the problem?"
"I've got all of one book on interdimensional travel," she said. "And I don't think it'll help." With that, a book floated out in front of me. I went cross-eyed trying to make out the language in the book.
"I... I hope you can read this, because I'm at a total loss," I said.
"It's a personal journal of Star Swirl the Bearded," she said, "from around the time of the first Hearth's Warming. It's written in Old Equestrian, but that's not the problem."
"What's the problem?"
"I don't suppose your world is flat?"
"No... no, it's round. It has to be round, gravity is a function of mass. During the planet's formation, when it was all molten, it would naturally become roughly spherical. This is all pretty basic physics, you know."
"Well, yes, but this journal is all about how Star Swirl the Bearded ended up on a flat world on the backs of four elephants, themselves--"
"--on the back of a giant turtle?" I interrupted.
"Well, yes." She grinned awkwardly. "Fascinating reading, but unless you want to go there ..."
Images of the sorts of horrible things I'd read about in a series about that very world -- funny when they're happening to fictional characters, not so funny when they're happening to you and those around you -- flashed through my head. "I don't," I said. "I can't imagine anyone sane would. "
Twilight looked hurt for a moment, but she recovered like a champ. "Right," she said. "Okay, new plan."
"We had a plan?"
"New pre-planning stage of the plan , then: I write to Princess Celestia for help. You sit here and read or something while you recover. Fluttershy!"
"Eep! I mean yes?"
"Go send Spike back here, and see if Ditzy Doo needs help."
Fluttershy snapped off a(n adorable) salute and headed for the door.
* * * * *
"Twiliiiiight?"
"WHAT?!"
"Have you heard back yet?"
"It's been five minutes , Rainb-- I mean Mike."
"But I'm booooored ."
"What, sick of reading already? I thought you were a student?"
"There's more to life than studying, Twilight."
"Bite your tongue, mare!"
...
"I'b thtill boooooweed."
* * * * *
23 - Patient complains of violent caudal spasms. Symptoms began with no prior warning. Recommend treatment.
I scratched my head, staring at the question. I felt like Damocles, the moment he realized that maybe the life of a king wasn't all he'd thought it might be. I looked around the room. All of the other ponies were finishing their exams and turning them in.
Caudal spasms... caudal spasms... I racked my brain. Caudal spasms meant something.... I remembered something about the cause being something... The sword hung above me, spinning, putting tension on the single hair holding it in place. When had that gotten there? Why was the hair so pink? Was that a hint?
"Mike?" The professor leaned in, grinning at my discomfort. I'd always hated Professor D, with his beady yellow eyes, his honestly evil-looking goatee, and that tooth of his. He seemed to take real delight in raking his students over the coals... sometimes literally.
"I've got this," I muttered. Caudal spasms. What did that mean again?
"Mike!"
I glared at the professor. "I said I've got this! " As I shouted at him, my chair overturned, and the pink hair snapped, releasing the sword above me.
"MIKE!"
I hit the floor hard, then put my hooves over my head. "LOOK OUT FOR THE SWORD!"
When it failed to hit me, I risked a look around. I was... right, I was in Twilight Sparkle's library. There was no sword. There was no Professor D, just my mental image of that Discord thing the ponies had told me about. The test had been a dream, of course. And Spike was there, cowering under an end table. As I slowly got to my hooves, working the kinks out of my legs and... other legs... he risked sticking his head out. "What sword?"
I shook my head. "Nevermind," I said. "Stupid dreams, stupid classical literature."
Spike climbed out from under the table. "So, uh," he said. "We haven't met, apparently?"
I grinned. "Right. Spike. You were there when I woke up," I said as the realization hit me. "I guess you left before I dropped the big drama bomb. Yeah, I'm Mike. Mike Davis." I extended a hoof, wondering if that was even the right protocol.
To my relief, Spike grasped the hoof and shook vigorously with both hands. Claws. Whatever. "Nice to meet you," he said, then giggled. "This is really weird."
"As weird as this is for you," I said, "this has been incredibly weird for me."
"I can imagine," Spike said.
"With all due respect, you can't."
"Try me."
"Okay... where I'm from, there's no such thing as unicorns or pegasi, ponies don't come in quite so many colors, and they don't talk."
"That's... pretty weird."
"There's no such thing as magic," I continued.
"How do you get anything done? "
"And I'm supposed to be male."
"Yeah, okay, that's probably the weirdest thing you've said."
I chuckled. "Maybe, but the talking pastel ponies is probably the weirdest part of the whole experience."
Spike shrugged. "I guess," he said. "Bu--" He hiccuped, then covered his mouth.
"You okay?"
Suddenly, he belched, and a small green flame came out of his mouth in a tightening spiral, coalescing into a ribbon-wrapped scroll.
"What the heck is...?" I poked the scroll with a hoof just as it fell to the ground.
"It's from Princess Celestia!" Twilight Sparkle's voice, immediately over my shoulder, was a shock. While I attempted to recover my dignity - in my defense, I technically was female, which affected the tone of my scream - she read the letter aloud.
"My Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle, While I cannot think of anything off-hoof that resembles the situation you've described, it certainly does bear investigation. The Royal Archives are very much at your disposal. I have left word for them to expect you. Sincerely, Princess Celestia of Equestria P.S.: Please tell your new friend he should take advantage of the time he is here to learn something about Equestria, and about the Magic of Friendship. Hopefully, Rainbow Dash is learning something where she is, because I expect Friendship Reports from both of them. "
As Twilight ran around the library, frantically packing her saddlebags, I tried to get her attention. "Twili--"
"Oh my goodness, I'm going to need extra quills!"
Spike rolled his eyes. "I think they've got plenty in Canterlot, Twi."
"Twili--"
"Oh, my, maybe I should bring some more scrolls?"
"TWILIGHT!"
She screeched to a halt in front of me. "Um. Yes?"
"What is a Friendship Report and what am I supposed to do while you're gone?"
"A Friendship Report? Oh, remember when I told you that my job while I'm here in Ponyville is to study the Magic of Friendship?"
"I don't think I could forget something that..." I struggled for a less-insulting word than "cheesy." "...interesting."
"Well, whenever my friends or I learn something new about it, we have to write Princess Celestia and tell her what we've learned. I've got a bunch of my old reports filed away over there." She pointed to a set of cubbyholes by one of the bookshelves.
"Okay... I guess I could read those while you're in Canterlot."
Spike grinned. "I know what I'd do if I was in Rainbow Dash's body for a day," he said.
"What's that?"
"Same thing she'd do!"
Twilight frowned. "Take a nap?"
Spike rolled his eyes -- his ocular muscles were getting a workout today. "No, the other thing she does every day."
"Oh... that's a great idea, Spike!" She pulled him in for a hug, and I felt my blood sugar skyrocket. Seriously, guys, pony hugs are too sweet to be legal. "I'm sure Mike would love to go flying!"
I had a horrifying flashback to how I'd ended up in Twilight Sparkle's care in the first place. While Spike tried to coax me out from under the end table he'd recently been hiding under, Twilight finished packing.
"Come on, Mike," Spike said. "It's not like she crashes every day."
"Not helping!"
Twilight started to say something, but there was a knock at the door. "Oh, that must be my ride. Spike, why don't you see if Fluttershy can help?"
"Good idea, Twilight!"
"Bad idea. Bad! I'll just be keeping these hooves on the ground, that's what I'll do."
Twilight rolled her eyes, grabbed her saddlebags and left me alone with a small purple dragon who was clearly trying to make my death look like an accident.
* * * * *
"There's just one thing I don't understand," I said to Fluttershy.
"Oh... did I not explain takeoff properly?"
"No, not that."
"Oh... then maybe you need some pointers on landing?"
"No, that seemed clear enough."
"Oh, dear. I'm sorry, I don't know what the problem is."
I waved a hoof at the scene in front of me. "I just don't understand how running off a cliff is conducive to keeping my hooves on the ground."
Fluttershy blinked. "But Spike said you wanted to learn how to fly," she said.
"Spike," I said, "lied. Spike said that if he was me, he'd want to fly. And then Twilight thought that would be a wonderful idea. And now here we are."
"So... you don't want to fly?"
"Well..."
"Don't get me wrong, a lot of pegasi prefer to stay on the ground. Well, a few. Well, one."
"Oh?"
"But it seems like such a shame."
"How so?"
"Well, Rainbow Dash is such a wonderfully good flier. If I was as good a flier as Rainbow Dash, I'd probably fly a lot more than I do."
"Really?"
"Well... no. I'm... I..."
"What is it?"
"I'mafraidofheights." This last was said so softly and at such a high pitch that I almost didn't realize she'd done more than just squeak.
I wanted to commiserate with my fellow acrophobe, but just as I opened my mouth, the following things became apparent to me:
First, there was this sort of buzzing sound coming from behind me. Then, also from behind me, a voice shouted "look out!" That's when the collision happened. I tried to figure out what was happening, and only had time to realize that I was riding an out-of-control scooter down the hill towards the very cliff that Fluttershy had suggested I throw myself off of. There was a weight on my back that a quick glance revealed to be a young (or at least small ) orange pony with light purple hair sticking out from under a purple safety helmet.
"Rainbow Dash?"
"Um, hi?"
"LOOK OUT!"
We went over the cliff before I could react. Reflexively, Rainbow Dash's body spread its wings, and instead of plummeting to our doom, myself and the filly soared past the cliff. The scooter, sadly, did not stay with us, and fell to its doom while we soared on.
"Awwww, my scooter!"
"Sorry about that, kiddo," I said, although I had no idea how I would have held on to it. Suddenly, I remembered the liberating feeling I'd had just before things went sour when I first arrived in this world (and this body). "Hey, hang on tight, okay?"
The filly wrapped her hooves around my neck just tight enough to keep her in place, and I dove to pick up speed. As the wind rushed through our manes, I realized that my pinfeathers were telling me things about the air around me. A crosswind was pushing us to one side, so I banked and rode it around towards town.
"Wheee! This is awesome! Do a loop! Do a loop!"
I grinned back at my passenger, then arched my back, wings beating for all I was worth to maintain our speed as I did a loop-the-loop. Okay, I thought, maybe this wasn't such a bad idea. "Up for a corkscrew, kiddo?"
"Am I?"
Muscle memory is a wonderful thing. No sooner had I decided to pull the stunt than Rainbow Dash's body started going through the motions. After the third loop, I curved back around towards the cliff, where Fluttershy was jumping up and down and waving her hooves excitedly. "Let's go see what she wants."
I tried to remember everything she'd said about landings, and that's when things started to go south again. My wings wouldn't do what I told them to, and we were coming in fast and too low.
"Oh, this is gonna hurt," I muttered.
"Rainbow Dash, look out for the cliff!"
Oh crap, I've got a passenger! I struggled to pull up, focusing more on the what than the how , and Rainbow Dash's reflexes took over. The sharp turn bled off speed, and I was able to land without incident, thank goodness.
My passenger jumped to the ground, practically vibrating with terror. Fluttershy rushed up to her.
"Are you all right, Scootaloo?" Another name for me to file away for future reference.
"That. Was. AWESOME!"
I grinned. What I'd taken for terror, it turns out, was just excitement. "Pretty cool, huh, kiddo?"
"You know it!"
"Sorry about your scooter, though..."
Fluttershy grinned. "Actually, I was able to catch it before it hit the ground."
"Wow," I said. "You go , Fluttershy! Get down with your bad self!"
"Woo-hoo," she said, then blushed and hid behind her own mane.
I looked over at Scootaloo, who'd already mounted her scooter. Taking in her wings, I grinned at her. "We should go flying together sometime," I said.
She stared at me for a moment, then frowned, pushed off with her scooter, and began flapping her wings. "Yeah," she said unenthusiastically. "Sure."
I blinked at Fluttershy. "Did... did I say something wrong?"
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Rainbow Dash: I Love a Rainy Night
Fastest Fall in Equestria I Love a Rainy Night
Rainbow Dash: Dave looked really worried, and who could blame him? Uncontrolled weather is freaky, and dangerous, too!
"Oh, geez, R.D.," he said. "I should've checked the weather before we went out." He put his back against the door frame of the restaurant, peeked around the corner, then grinned at me. "Okay," he said. "Quickly! Between the drops!"
With that, we started our mad dash to the bus stop, laughing like fillies. The bus stop itself provided a lot less shelter than it looked like, and the whole "run between the drops" plan worked about as well as you'd think. (It didn't. Heck, I don't think it'd work in my own body, let alone Mike's.) The wait for the bus was thankfully brief, and the bus ride itself was made kind of awkward by Dave's insistence on us not discussing anything "weird" while we were in public.
Soon enough, we were back at his apartment, with Dave lounging on his couch while I played with his computer some mo-- I mean totally doing awesome fact-finding on the interwebs, because I am awesome at every single thing I attempt. Every. Single. Thing.
"The hay is this?"
"What are you looking at, there, Dash?"
"Well, I wanted to see what you humans do to manage weather, so I figured I'd do a search on the googler thing, and it took me to this weather command place or whatever..."
"Weather-dot-com?"
"Yeah, that one. And... this is not what weather looks like, Dave. This is not what weather looks like at all."
Dave came up behind me and the jerk started laughing at me. "Oh, jeez, you found the Doppler radar display," he said, which was about as helpful as Twilight's explanation of who she was dressed up as for Nightmare Night.
"Who is Doppler Radar, and why is her display just a big green blob with red blotches? Is that her cutie mark?"
Dave, helpful as ever, laughed even more.
"Seriously, Dave, you are no help at all..." I frowned. "Fine," I said finally, when it looked like his laughing was going to continue unaba... unbai... nonstop. I clicked on his little searchy thingy and typed in "doppler radar". First thing I found was "National Weather Service Doppler Radar Images" so I figured this Doppler Radar pony -- er, person -- was a weathermare. Woman. Man. Whatever. So I clicked on it, and got a stupid blue map.
"Okay, help me out here, Dave."
"All right, all right," he said, apparently having laughed enough for now. "Okay, what you're looking at is a map of places that have weather radar. Radar stands for... um... something to do with radio, I forget. But what it is, is that radio waves are sent out from a radar dish, and they bounce off things in the air and come back to the dish, letting the equipment know there's something there."
"That's... pretty neat," I admitted.
"Right. So, Doppler radar uses the Doppler effect to figure out how fast things are moving..."
"Annnd, I'm lost."
Dave sighed. "You ever go flying past a crowd really fast, and notice how their cheers start off high pitched, then get deeper once you pass them?"
"Hay, yeah! " I grinned. "Twilight says it's because the sound waves are shorter when you're moving towards them, and that makes the sound high pitched, then longer when you move away, which makes them low pitched."
"Actually, the soundwaves don't change length -- unless they were coming from you -- but in a nutshell, that's the Doppler effect. Well, Doppler weather radar uses radar to determine where clouds and rainfall are, and the Doppler effect to determine how fast they're moving, and in what direction."
"So these green blobs are clouds?"
"Yeah, the color represents how much rainfall is coming from them."
"So whose job is it to set these storms up, anyway?"
Dave frowned. "Nobody," he said. "It's all down to natural processes. We understand how it works on a large scale, but there are too many tiny variables to even try to change things beyond a little cloud seeding now and then."
"You can't seed clouds, silly. The seeds fall right through!" I grinned. "I know, 'cause Derpy tried once, figured she'd get extra-watery watermelons from it."
Dave facehoofed. Er, handed. Whatever the term is. What do I look like, an Equestrian-to-English dictionary? "You know what? Forget it. Forget I mentioned cloud seeding and take it as read that Earth doesn't have magic, so we can't control the weather."
I frowned. "You don't have magic," I said.
He nodded. "Not a bit."
I pointed at the computer, then at the TV, then at that most magical of household appliances, the microwave. "You don't have magic?" I said again.
"No magic at all," he said again.
"Then how does any of this stuff work?!"
He grinned. "Honestly? I can only tell you the basics on most things. That's why I let you assume magic in the first place, it's easier than trying to explain things. As the Internet has often said: it's magic, I ain't gotta explain shit ."
I shook my head. "So, basically, this is like... the Everfree Planet ."
Dave laughed. "Yeah, pretty much. So, let's take a look at that doppler map."
"Where are we on this?"
He pointed to a spot just in front of the center of the storm. "Right about there," he said.
"Sweet, look how fast that's moving! We'll be clear in ten seconds flat!" I ran over to the window and watched the storm totally fail to move past.
Dave laughed again. "That's time lapse," he said. "That image shows how much the storm's moved over the past fifteen minutes. So we've got more like an hour and a half, which still isn't that bad." He frowned. "Too bad, we could use a bit more rain than that."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, Texas is in the middle of a drought, and enough good storms will take care of that."
"Well, duh ," I said. "That's why my job is so important to Ponyvi--" I stopped. Oh buck me in the flank, I'd forgotten my job! There was a storm building over Everfree when I was flying around earlier, and without me there to take care of it, they'd have to trust Derpy to take care of it. I can just hear her now, saying "I don't know what went wrong" while the town is wiped out by a flood while whatever isn't underwater burns from lightning strikes.
I mean, Derpy's a good mare and all, but when she gets excited, well, she tends to overdo things. Couple that with her being, well, Derpy , and you have yourselves a portable, pegasus-pony-shaped disaster. And let me just settle the name debate right now:
Her name is Ditzy Doo. The whole "Derpy" thing started in Flight School, when she was trying to go through a ring course and managed to miss every single ring . When she got back to the starting line, Coach Thunderhoof was about to mark her down, when she looked up and we all saw her eyes doing that thing they do, and she just grinned and said "Sorry, Coach, my eyes just went all derpy on me." And thus was a nickname born.
Twilight thinks I'm being mean when I call her that, and when Derpy says she doesn't mind, Twilight gets all defensive and tells her it's okay to tell people when they're hurting her feelings, which just makes me wonder what the fillies in magic kindergarten used to call her. I know she's got issues about kindergarten...
So yeah, she's Ditzy Doo, but she doesn't mind if friends call her Derpy. It's all in tone of voice. Like, if Pinkie Pie were to start calling me Rainbow Crash, I wouldn't mind a bit, but those jerks who used to call me that back in flight school? Not cool. But now I just hope Twilight doesn't think I'm being mean when I call her an egghead.
Because that would totally suck.
And...
Oh my Celestia, I AM A TERRIBLE FRIEND.
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Mike: Quick recap. I had just learned what flying can be like when you're not crashing into arboreal libraries. I had also just offered to go flying with a pegasus filly that, as it happens, pretty much worships the clouds Rainbow Dash trots on. (Hey, I'm getting the hang of talking like a pony!) The reaction wasn't what I expected, though.
Fastest Fall in Equestria Sharp Dressed Man
After Scootaloo had mounted her scooter and rolled forlornly down the hillside, I turned to Fluttershy to express my confusion. "Um... Fluttershy?"
"Yes?"
"What did I do wrong just now?" I pointed at the retreating filly with a hoof. "Did I violate some sort of pony taboo?"
Fluttershy smiled reassuringly. "Oh no," she said. "It's just... well, Scootaloo... can't fly."
I blinked. "Like, at all?"
She shook her head. "And she very much wants to grow up to be just like y-- I mean just like Rainbow Dash."
I frowned. "So what's the problem? We can still go flying together, right?"
Fluttershy frowned. "Um, I'm very sorry, Mike," she said, "but Scootaloo really can't fly. She can use her wings to make her scooter go faster, and she can jump higher with them, but she can't stay off the ground. She's probably got another year or two of growing to do before she can reliably get off the ground... It's normal for a pegasus her age, but she's very sensitive about it."
I sighed. "Nothing a little creative thinking can't resolve," I said. "So she can't fly on her own. Well, as I think we just demonstrated, flying is pretty easy for me as long as I don't start trying to figure it out and just let Rainbow Dash's muscle memory do the work."
Fluttershy nodded.
"So what I need is... well, what do grown-up pegasus ponies use to take their children out with them?"
Fluttershy frowned. "Um... a perambulator?"
I grinned. "I think Scootaloo's a bit old for a stroller, Fluttershy."
She grinned bashfully back at me. "Well, what did you have in mind?"
"I dunno," I said. "Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. When in doubt, do research!"
* * * * *
"Mike!"
I grunted, not really noticing that I was being addressed. Or poked repeatedly in the ribs by a small, blunt-clawed, purple finger. (Really, Spike's claws aren't quite as sharp as they look, thank goodness.) "Come on , Mike, snap out of it!"
Grunting again, I shoved aside the useless copy of Foal and Child Rearing Across Equestria , which fell to the floor with a thud. "Eh," I said in my best (horrible) attempt at a Brooklyn accent, "what's up, doc?"
Spike frowned. "Um, no, it's Spike, remember? Not Doc."
I rolled my eyes. "I cannot wait to get back home," I said, "where, among many other virtues too numerous to mention, people get my jokes."
"That was a joke?"
"Well, a cultural reference to something humorous." I looked at him. "Wow, kid, I don't envy you, growing up without Bugs Bunny."
"Who?" Spike shook his head rapidly, as though clearing his head. "Nevermind that," he continued. "I got a letter from Twilight!"
"Oh?" I perked up. Maybe things were about to take a turn for the better. "Let me see."
Spike handed me the scroll, then nobly refrained from laughing at my attempts to unroll it for a whole eight seconds before giving in.
"Here," he said, snagging the scroll just when I was about to get it open despite Rainbow Dash's lack of digits. Seriously, folks, how do earth and pegasus ponies do anything ? I protested that I had it, but he ignored me. I'm not sure if he just needs to feel useful, or if he was actively trying to make me look like an idiot. Frankly, I suspect both. It's like I was in Misery , and Spike was playing Cathy Bates' character.
"Dear Mike, " he began reading.
"I can read, you know," I protested, "even if I have problems with these hooves."
"So can Twilight," Spike argued, "and she lets me read her mail to her . Now hush, I'm reading."
I blinked. Did he just tell me to shut up so he could read my mail? My personal, addressed to me, mail?
Dear Mike,
I've found a way to figure out what world you come from, and maybe even establish communications with it. I'll need more information from you, and I'll need to do some scientific studies of the area you appeared in. Princess Celestia and I will be back shortly after sunset with the necessary equipment.
Please let my friends know we're coming, and that Princess Celestia says, quote, please don't make a fuss, end quote.
Your new friend, Twilight Sparkle
P.S.: Please let Rarity know first - she'll never forgive us if we don't give her time to dress up for the occasion. P.P.S.: Princess Celestia says that the not making a fuss thing goes double for Rarity. I don't think it'll help, but go ahead and tell her that.
Spike grinned. "Well, you heard the mare," he said. "Let's get going!"
I nodded, then bent down to pick up the book and froze. I am ashamed to say that I nearly swore - Spike's just a baby dragon, though, so I managed to keep it in. What I did say was "Holy Shhhhh... ooot. There it is!"
Spike glanced at the book. "You were looking for buffalo?"
I grinned. "Well, I didn't know I was looking for buffalo. I was looking for that ."
Spike read over my shoulder. "What in the hay is a papoose?"
My grin widened. "The beginnings," I said, "of something awesome. Now all I need is somebo-- er, somepony who can work with me to turn this into a flight suit."
Spike got a sly look on his face. "Like a fashion designer?"
I narrowed my eyes. "You," I said, "are scheming something."
"No way! It's just, well, Twilight said we should let her friends know she and the Princess are coming, and she said to tell Rarity first, and Rarity just happens to be the premiere up-and-coming fashion designer in Ponyville!"
"You seem awfully eager to go see her."
Spike shrugged. "Nah," he said. "I'm cool."
I nodded. "Uh-huh. And the T-shirt?"
He tugged at the T-shirt he had apparently put on when I wasn't looking, which featured a white unicorn pony's head inside a large red heart. "What, this old thing?"
"Whatever," I said. "Let's go meet this fashion diva pony friend of yours."
* * * * *
Meeting Rarity is an event. Seriously, not only is she every bit the drama queen, she has this way of dragging you into her world that is just unreal. The introduction had gone more smoothly than I'd expected, at first. Then things got... intense.
No, not that kind of intense, you deviants. See, apparently, Pinkie Pie had been running all over town passing out invitations to a party, and, well... The invitations were something to behold, but apparently, they were nothing on her presentation. There had apparently been a huge song-and-dance routine, "complete with top hat, tails, and spats , if you can believe it, darling!" in which she had done her utmost to explain the situation.
I don't know where she got her information - she certainly hadn't stuck around while we pieced it together back at the library - but it was pretty darn accurate. I was grateful I wouldn't have to explain the situation again, but...
"This does not bode well," I said.
"Oh come on, darling, Pinkie Pie throws the absolute best parties, they're simply to die for."
"Yeah," I said, "that's what I'm worried about." I looked at Spike. "Any idea how many ponies she's told about the mind-switch thing?"
Spike shrugged. "Probably all of Ponyville by now," he said.
"Great," I muttered. "Keep an eye out for torches and pitchforks, would you?"
Rarity smiled and batted her eyelashes in what I'm sure would have been a disarming manner had I been (a) still male, (2) normally a pony, and (III) not in fear of my life. "Aren't you overreacting just a bit, dear?"
"Hey," I said defensively. "Twilight Sparkle said Ponyville is prone to panic," (great, now I was doing it). "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to the Dark Side."
Rarity blinked, looking around for a way away from the crazy pony. "The dark side of what, dear?"
I frowned. "And another cultural reference bombs," I muttered. "It means when people -- er, ponies -- get frightened, they can do things they normally wouldn't. Mob mentality. Ponies are herd animals, after all. Get a whole town riled up, convinced that alien invaders are going to steal their precious bodily fluids... I'm a goner."
"Precious... bodily..." Spike frowned, trying to piece together what I was saying.
"Nevermind," I said. "Another cultural reference. The actual quote is 'sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids' and it's an example of paranoia in action, from.... I don't suppose you've got movies here?"
"What, like training films?" Spike recovered gracefully.
"Sort of, yeah. Except for entertainment, not education."
Spike frowned. "What's so entertaining about sitting still and watching a movie?"
And we have disconnect. "Well, see, the idea is you take a story, a work of fiction, and you get people -- er, ponies -- to act out the story on camera."
"Why not just read?"
"Because..." I was stymied. "I dunno. Movies based on books usually aren't as good anyway. Except when they are. Hey, a few are even better."
Rarity raised a hoof. "Aren't we getting a bit off-topic, dears?"
"Always," I said. "It's a curse. Anyway, yeah. So... I was supposed to tell you something..."
"The letter."
"Right! Thanks, Spike."
Spike held the letter out to Rarity, who floated it out of his grip with her magic and unrolled it. I stifled a sharp pang of jealousy. I couldn't have switched bodies with a unicorn, no , I had to get a pegasus. Don't get me wrong, flying is awesome, but magic would have made so many things easier. She scanned it briefly, then let out the most incredible sound. I shall attempt to render it in text form.
"WA-HA-HAAAAA !"
Yeah, mere letters do not do that sound justice, but I'm sure you bronies out there know the exact sound I'm talking about.
"Oh dear, oh my, I wonder if... no, too pale. Too frilly. Too simple." Dresses began flying past, stopping briefly to arrange themselves between Rarity and the nearest mirror as she, let's face it, panicked.
"Rarity," I said.
"Not now, dear, I simply must get ready!"
"Rarity!"
"Hmm... perhaps the plum sun dress?"
"Rarity! "
"Oh, fine, what is it?"
"The Princess said not to make a fuss," Spike put in vainly.
"Oh, but that simply isn't done , dears. A visit from Royalty is a visit from Royalty, no matter the circumstances."
"But--!"
"NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES." She turned her attention back to the dresses, fussing with one after another. This one was too glitzy. That one too over-the-top. (They were all over the top as far as I was concerned.) "What are you trying to do, Rarity, overshadow the Princess? No no no, that simply is too gauche."
"We are never talking sense into her, are we, Spike?"
"Not likely," he agreed. "Oh well, let's go get the others."
"Dressed like that?!" Rarity was suddenly between us and the door to her boutique. I came to the horrifying realization that I was not getting out of there without a makeover.
* * * * *
If I said in the end it wasn't too terrible, do I lose man points? Because once I convinced Rarity that, temporary biology notwithstanding, I was male, things started looking up. In the end, I suppose Spike and I did look rather dapper in our matching tuxedos. Even if the darn thing made me stand out even more than being a cyan pony with a rainbow mane did.
In any case, we got Rarity's promise to meet up at Twilight's library by sunset, and headed off to pass the word to the next ponies on our list: Applejack and Fluttershy. Since I'd already met Fluttershy, Spike suggested we go meet Applejack first, to which I had no objections.
Sweet Apple Acres lies outside of Ponyville proper, as a farm should. It looked not so much like a farm as like, well, what a child's idea of a farm might be. It had all of the appropriate buildings - a big house, a barn, a couple of silos. It had a great deal of land dedicated to apple orchards, organized by varieties of apple. It featured a lot more pink and hearts than most farms I've seen.
Also, for some inexplicable reason, one of the orchards was populated entirely by barren trees. No apples, no flowers, not a single leaf. Just trunks and branches, as though winter had struck in just one field. "Zap Apples," explained Spike, which enlightened me not at all , thank you very much. "They're not in season just now."
"They look dead," I said.
"That's what Zap Apple trees look like out o' season, pardner," a third voice piped up. I looked over at the speaker. Applejack is something else, y'all. I've since seen the cartoon, and while there isn't anything wrong with it, there are subtle differences between the various ponies that aren't apparent in it. Applejack is a bit stockier in person than she looks. I can understand an artistic choice not to draw her that way - stocky doesn't always equate to graceful, after all, and...
Okay, you just take off those shipping goggles. It is not going to happen. Nothing of the sort is ever going to happen, all right? I just happen to respect her, and the fact that she is a physically active mare makes her, well, rather fit. I admire her, I do not want to... engage in biological processes with a pony. She is a pony. I am not. (Temporary biology notwithstanding.)
"Well, howdy, pardner," she said. "Ah'm Applejack. An' Ah understand y'all ain't Rainbow Dash 't'all..."
I grinned. "I see Pinkie Pie's been here."
"Eeeyup." Let me clarify something here. Applejack doesn't have a Southern drawl. She has a Texas Hill Country twang, and it is a much more welcoming accent than your average Southern accent. Much.
"I don't know if that girl's making my life easier or harder, I tell you what," I said.
"Speakin o' makin' things rough," Applejack said, and began to lose that welcoming friendliness I was already coming to rely on. "Ah reckon y'all might know why one o' mah little sister's best friends is in their treehouse bawlin' her little eyes out?"
I blinked. "I might know," I said. "It all depends on who you're talking about."
Spike glared at me. "You haven't even been here one day and you're making fillies cry? What kind of monster are you?"
I backed up defensively. "It's not my fault! I didn't know she couldn't fly, all right?"
Applejack narrowed her eyes. "All right, that's it. Now I know y'all had somethin' ta do with it. What'd ya do, throw 'er off a cliff?"
I shook my head. "No, no. She knocked us off the cliff. It wasn't until after I brought her back up that I stuck my hoof in my mouth." I frowned, hanging my head. "I thought it'd be neat, after that, if we could, y'know, go flying together. She seemed to enjoy it so much, I just... I didn't know it'd upset her, all right?"
"Aww, that's all right, Sugarcube," Applejack said. "Ah figured it maht be somethin' like that. Well, come on, let's go talk ta the little filly."
I cringed. I do not deal well with upset children.
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Rainbow Dash: Welcome to the Jungle
Fastest Fall in Equestria Welcome to the Jungle
Rainbow Dash: Okay, no, it's explore-a-new-world time, not freak-out-about-what-kind-of-friend-I-am time. Pull yourself together, Dash! No matter how much I told myself that, though, there was still that kernel of guilt making the whole deal a lot less fun than it had been.
How best could I make up for making fun of Twilight all this time, then? Well, that was easy: I would just have to pony up and get my egghead on! Come on, Rainbow Dash, what would a smart pony like Twilight Sparkle do in this situation? Research, duh!
"Quick," I cried, "to the Mare-do-pedia!"
"The what now?"
"Well, if your guys' Batman can have a bat-computer and a bat-cave and a Batmobile, and all that, then it stands to reason Mare-do-Well should get at least that much."
"Oh man," whined Dave. "Is this another season two thing? Because if it is, please stop spoiling it for me."
"No spoilers," I said. "You'll just have to wait and find out if Mare-do-Well shows up in season two or not. Probably will, though, since there was a Friendship Report about it. So yeah, Mare-do-Well. Turns out, it's really--"
"NO!" he cried. "MY SENSITIVE VIRGIN EARS!"
"--so of course somepony had to stand up to the evil Krastos--"
"STOP IT! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!"
"--and then Pinkie Pie said 'Oatmeal, are you crazy? ' and I said 'maybe, but it's just crazy enough to work,' and--"
"NO SPOI-- you're making this up, aren't you?! " See, folks? Bronies can be taught! While I was doing all this, I had gone to that repository of all things factual -- the Internet!
"Earth," I read, "or the Earth, is the third planet from the Sun, and the densest and fifth-largest of the eight planets in the Solar System." I groaned. "OH MY CELESTIA, THIS IS SO BORING AND I'M ONLY ONE SENTENCE IN! Where's the important stuff?"
Dave grinned. "Depends on what you think is important. What are you looking for?"
"I dunno," I said. "History, magic... stuff Twilight Sparkle would want to know."
"So you want four thousand years worth of human knowledge to take home to Equestria with you and just present to Twilight Sparkle as, what, a gift? 'Hi, Twilight, did you miss me? Here's an entire forest worth of books for you to read!'"
I laughed. "That would be an awesome present, but where would she keep it all? I'm pretty sure the Ponyville library couldn't hold that much. Hmm... I know! We'll start with where my Earth and yours are different!"
"Your Earth?"
I laughed. "Well, duh! Equestria's just one country, ya know."
Dave grinned. "That reminds me of a scene in a book, where a wizard is on another planet, and she asks what planet she's on and the alien she's talking to says 'Earth.'"
I laughed, then frowned. "Hey, you said there's no such thing as magic here. But you've got wizards? What gives?"
His grin widened. "Well," he said, "why don't we ask Wikipedia?"
I'll tell you why not, Dave. Wikipedia is boring. It is written by the eggiest of eggheads in a way that only the Queen of the Eggheads Herself could find interesting. I tried looking up magic and it was all "did you mean illusion, ritual magic, fictional magic, a programming language...?" No, you stupid thing, I mean magic! It's everywhere, it's in everything! It's just magic!
And then I got an idea. What kind of magic has Twilight Sparkle been studying the last year or so? So I typed it in.
"OH MY CELESTIA, HOW CAN YOU BUCK UP FRIENDSHIP?"
"Oh, what's the problem now, Rainbow Dash?"
"Listen to this list of values! Where there ought to be the Elements of Harmony, you've got this weird list that repeats itself like three times:
"'The tendency to desire what is best for the other' I guess that's Generosity...one word how do you make a sentence that long out of one word? result of Loyalty than the element itself, though.what is wrong with you people that you don't understand friendship mixed in..."
Dave frowned. "Hey," he said. "It's a bit unfair to say we don't understand friendship."
"This article is really long , Dave, and it's wrong. It's all very, very wrong ."
"This article," he said, "is written from the standpoint of sociology and cultural anthropology."
"Who and what, now?"
"Egghead stuff."
I grunted. "Okay, then, but what about the foals?"
"What about the kids ?" he asked. "I mean, what do you mean?"
"How do they learn about friendship?"
He grinned. "A couple of different ways," he said. "One is the same way Twilight Sparkle's been learning about it: by going out and making friends."
"And the other?"
"Sitting in front of my computer and insulting my entire species."
"Really? Am I holding up a line, here?"
"I mean you , numbnuts."
I rolled my eyes. Honestly, though, human eyes don't roll right. Too rigid, not expressive enough. I was really starting to miss my old comfy body. "I know that, Dave. It was a joke." I grinned. "You're saying that cartoon of my friends and me is how kids learn about friendship?"
He shrugged. "Well, among other things. Say, Dash, I was thinking..."
"Don't strain yourself, there, monkeyboy."
Dave rolled his eyes. "Ha ha. I just wanted to know if you wanted to watch a movie."
"What kind of movie?"
"Well, I was thinking of something serious and intellectual an adventure movie, silly."
* * * * *
"Okay, now what the buck is this?"
"This," said Dave, "is a work of art. Raiders of the Lost Ark ."
"And who's this Daring Do wannabe?"
"Indiana Jones."
"Eh... he's all right I suppose. And who's the other guy?"
"Oh, him? Doesn't matter, he dies soon anyway."
"Who's the one who keeps complaining about spoilers? Hey, what's he doing with the sand there? Hey, that's right out of Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone ! But... where's the lava?"
"Who needs it? Now he's got to go past all those other traps while outrunning the giant boulder!"
"What gia-- oh, that giant boulder."
* * * * *
I fell over laughing. "Top men! That's awesome! "
"Wanna watch another?"
"Do I?! Bring it on, monkeyman!" I looked at him. "Say, how many of these are there?"
"Three. There are three. Don't let anyone try and trick you into thinking otherwise."
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Mike: If there is a force in the universe more powerful than the tear-jerking strength of a sad pony filly, I don't want to know about it. Seriously, if I was the Princess, I would totally make big posters of crying fillies and put them on the border with the caption " Invading Equestria makes fillies cry. Think of the fillies. Don't invade." They would never have a problem again.
Fastest Fall in Equestria Run Like Hell
It turns out Fluttershy had beaten us to Sweet Apple Acres, and was in the fillies' treehouse already, comforting Scootaloo. That, I hoped, would make things easier, especially since once we arrived at the place, Applejack turned around and headed back, I presume, to get back to harvesting apples or whatever it is she was doing. There were two other fillies there, a white unicorn with a pink and purple mane, and a yellow earth pony with a red mane (and pink bow in her hair). I'm sure you bronies know who I'm talking about. The two of them were trying to comfort their friend along with Fluttershy.
"Oh, c'mon," said the earth pony, "Ah'm sure she -- um, he -- didn't mean nothin' by it."
"That doesn't help, Apple Bloom," sobbed Scootaloo. "It just means I'm that much more of a failure!" And then she started bawling, and my heart seized up and I died.
The End
Okay, not really, but damn , did I wish I could just sink into the floor and vanish. Apple Bloom sniffed. Oh, God, I thought. I can't take it if two of them start crying. I tried to say something, but my throat constricted and all I managed was a sort of squeaky breath.
"Come on, Scootaloo," said the unicorn filly. "Rarity says everypony outgrows their wings at some point. Soon, they'll grow in, and you'll be zooming along just like Rainbow Dash!"
Aha! An opening! "Heck," I said, "the way you tear it up on that scooter, I wouldn't be surprised if you turn out to be even better!" I looked around. "Don't tell her I said that, though, huh?"
Scootaloo sniffed, and looked up at me. "So it's true? You're not even the real Rainbow Dash?"
I nodded. "Yep, we did a Freaky Friday ."
"A what?"
I facehoofed. "I really need to stop making movie references, nobody -- I mean nopony -- gets them. It means we swapped minds for some reason."
"So right now, she's in your body?"
I nodded.
"And you're not a pegasus?"
I laughed. "I'm not even a pony. I wouldn't be surprised if she's been falling on my face every time she tries to walk anywhere."
Scootaloo was quick to leap to the defense of her heroine. "No way! Rainbow Dash is the best, fastest, coolest pony in Equestria! She's probably breaking world records in your body right now, and you'll have to live up to the reputation when you get back!"
The thought was sobering. What kind of reputation would I have when this was over? I noticed ponies frequently didn't wear clothes -- hard thing to miss, really. Was she spending her time on Earth in jail? Would I end up being known as "that guy who spent however-long crawling everywhere?" Naked and crawling around everywhere on all fours... Visions of my pending status as a sex offender (it's happened to guys who were caught urinating on a dumpster in my state) danced in my head. I felt weak at the knees.
"Hey," Scootaloo said, "don't sweat it! If you're as good at being an alien as you were at flying earlier, you'll be fine!"
I laughed. "I'm only an alien here ," I said. "Back home, I'm just another pre-med student."
"Whuh-oh," said Apple Bloom.
"What?"
"Well, Rainbow Dash ain't the readin'est pony out there."
I grinned. "Well, it's only Saturday. I don't have classes until Monday, so it should be fine. Twilight Sparkle will have this all sorted out tonight, with any luck."
To my surprise, Scootaloo started sniffling again. "Does... does that mean you don't really wanna fly with me after all?"
Crap. Abort abort abort. "No, no, no... I'd love to! That was lots of fun! It's just... don't you want Rainbow Dash back again?"
"Duh!" Scootaloo grinned at me -- much better! "But just because I want Rainbow Dash back doesn't mean I want you gone!"
"Well, in the meantime, I had a great idea for how we could go flying together, and you could even get in some practice for when your wings grow in oh crap! "
"What's wrong now, Mike?" Spike rolled his eyes at me.
"We got so caught up in things at Rarity's, I forgot to tell her about my idea!"
"Oh, you went to visit Rarity?" Fluttershy smiled at us, which is, let me tell you, an uplifting experience all its own even if you don't know who she is. (Remember, at the time I barely did.)
"We sure did," said Spike. "Twilight wanted us to tell you all she's coming home around sunset, and she's bringing Princess Celestia with her!"
"Oh... oh my," said Fluttershy. "I should probably go see if my bird friends are ready for a surprise performance. It wouldn't do to have the Princess arrive without a fanfare."
"That's all right, Fluttershy," I said. "She specifically said not to make a big fuss about it."
"Oh. All right," she said, sounding torn between being relieved at not having to do anything and a little disappointed. I was surprised she was so eager to set something like that up -- she doesn't exactly seem like the sort of pony who likes the limelight.
"Say, Fluttershy," said Spike, "you don't know where Pinkie Pie went next, do you?"
"Well," said Fluttershy, "she said she had to get the party ready, so she'll probably be back at the library."
"Wait," I said. "Wouldn't she be at... oh, what's it called, the candy shop?"
"Actually," said Fluttershy, "it's a pastry shop. And no, the invitation says to be at the library by sundown."
"Well, that's great!" I said. "That means we won't have to let her know to be... there... oh my."
"What is it? Did I say something wrong? Oh, I'm terribly sorry."
"It's not that, Fluttershy."
"What is it?"
"Well, do you think a giant party with everyone in Ponyville would constitute 'making a fuss'?"
Fluttershy actually took a moment to consider this. "I'm sure the Princess won't mind. She had Pinkie Pie set up the wedding reception for her neice and Twilight's brother last week, after all. Besides, the big fuss isn't about her, it's about you, and that's probably completely different."
"Um," interjected Applejack, who'd returned to the clubhouse just then, "Ah hate ta bring this up, but speakin' o' big fusses about y'all... Were ya expectin' company?"
I looked over at her and shook my head. "Not that I'm aware of."
"Oh, wow," said Spike, "you weren't kidding about the torches and pitchforks, either!"
"That plum ticks me off," Applejack growled. "Ah'll head 'em off, Mike. You 'n' Spike git back ta the library."
With Applejack drawing their attention, Spike and I were just able to sneak past the crowd in the shadows. While we tried our best to be quiet, Applejack was doing the exact opposite.
"Ah'm ashamed o' y'all! Y'all ponies just couldn't wait ta gang up on somepony. What happened to the hospitality Ponyville was supposed ta be famous for? Y'all got no problem welcomin' somepony wants ta show off fer a crowd an' make other ponies look bad. Absolutely no objections when a couple o' fast talkin' ponies came ta run me and mine offa our land. But the moment somepony shows up because of an accident that ain't even his fault, y'all break out the pitchforks!"
"And YOU," she snarled, turning on one pony. "Ah see ya standin' thar, Trayo Mills! Y'all tole me y'all were outta pitchforks!"
"Um, well, uh..."
"Y'all know we gotta bale hay fer the cows 'n' all!"
"These were all purchased last week," the pony said. "Before you came in, you see."
Applejack trotted over to another pony, whose obviously new pitchfork gleamed in the evening sunlight (not to mention all the torchlight). "Uh-huh," she drawled in obvious disbelief.
"C'mon, Mike," Spike urged. "We gotta get out of here!"
"Yeah, but..." I tried shrugging with my wings. It kind of worked. "Look at her go! She's got 'em on the ropes now!"
"Not for long," he said darkly.
And right on cue, a pony appeared directly in front of me - a grey pegasus pony with blonde mane and tail, staring at me with her yellow eyes. She had yellow eyes! So help me, God! Yellow eyes!
"Hello," she said, her eyes completely failing to focus on me. In fact, they failed to even point the same direction.
Wait. I knew this. Twilight had mentioned someone with eyes like that. "Hi... Ditzy Doo?"
She nodded, grinning. "You can call me Derpy if you want."
"Okay," I said, nervously eyeing the pitchfork stuffed into her saddlebag while she reached for the bag on the other side.
"Are you Mike?" she asked, entirely too loudly. "Because I have a letter for Mike, but the letter says care of Rainbow Dash's body..." She nosed around in her bag. "Huh. I had a letter for you. I don't know what went wrong."
I frowned, and Spike tugged on my mane. "I know what's about to go wrong," he said, jerking a thumb (oh, how I missed thumbs just then) at the crowd, who'd noticed us. "Let's get out of here!"
And just like that, my life turned into a Benny Hill sketch.
We ran as fast as my hooves could carry me into town, where I tried everything I could think of to shake off the pursuing crowd. Hiding behind a newspaper worked until I lowered it to check on the crowd's progress. The mad scramble that ensued from there took us through back alleys that I've since noticed only seem to get shown on the cartoon during similar chase scenes. Maybe Ponyville only has them when they're needed? I dunno.
From there, the disguise gambit was a total failure - I don't know where Spike got the business suit and briefcase, but it failed to conceal my rainbow-colored mane and tail, which were kind of a giveaway.
Then I got an idea.
"Hang on, Spike!"
"Wha-a-a-a-a-a-a-aa...?"
I suppose I could have given him more time to prepare for takeoff, but there really was no time. I thanked all the powers that be and a few that don't be for Rainbow Dash's speed, as I gave the crowd the slip. Still, many of them were pegasi, and they'd find me eventually unless... There! I thought, narrowing my focus on a nice, fluffy, low-hanging cumulus apparently left over from the storm earlier.
I zipped inside and was only slightly surprised to find it had give to it. I figured pegasi would have some way to manipulate clouds -- I didn't realize they could stand on them. That made this so much easier. In moments, nothing of myself or Spike was visible from outside except our eyes. I suddenly thought of an image I'd seen on Dave's computer.
"Hey, Spike," I said. "Check it out!" Extending my wings a bit past the edges of the cloud, I flew us towards the library. "Beep beep! I'm a cloud!"
Spike groaned. "Clouds don't beep in our world."
I grinned. Spike wanted me to make cloud sounds, did he? "Condense condense condense precipitate precipitate..."
In retrospect, that was a mistake. Because, in case you didn't notice, clouds don't make those sounds either. At least Twilight Sparkle thought it was funny. (At least, so she said later.) But yeah, between the visible blue wings and the talking, I kind of drew attention to us.
The pegasi had surrounded us on all sides. And I do mean all sides - flying ponies do think and plan in three dimensions, unfortunately. They were herding us down to the mob below when the sun finally set and things suddenly got very ominous.
In the darkening light, a bunch of torch-and-pitchfork-wielding ponies was suddenly a lot less cartoony and cute. It was, in fact, kind of terrifying.
And then there was a huge explosion of light, my wings flared out, knocking the cloud to pieces, and Spike and I fell towards the crowd, out of control. I'm sure it looked to them like I was attacking. I did the most sensible thing I could think of: I screamed and covered my eyes with my hooves.
Look, I'm not proud of it, but the fact was, I figured I was a dead man. Er... pony.
When we failed to impact, I looked out from behind my hooves and found everything tinted a reddish-purple. Twilight Sparkle had caught us with her magic. And then things got really scary.
"My little ponies, " boomed out a loud, stern, maternal voice. "I am very disappointed in you. "
Princess Celestia had arrived.
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Rainbow Dash: Nightmare on My Street
Fastest Fall in Equestria Nightmare on My Street
Rainbow Dash: You can keep your Grand Galloping Galas, your midnight raves, your block parties, your Mardi Gras, and even your Carnival Brazilero. If you haven't been to a Pinkie Pie Party, you haven't been to a party , your life is missing something important, and you have my pity.
Even through the weirdo internet-slash-scrying-crystal thing Twilight Sparkle had set up, Dave and I were as good as there, and let me tell you: It. Was. AWESOME.
Pinkie Pie shared some of her favorite party recipies so that Dave and I could partake of the cake and punch. Dave shared some of his favorites - a party mix he calls "trash" was a huge hit in Ponyville - and the music.
Dear Celestia, the music!
Vinyl Scratch laid down some of the hottest dance tunes in Equestria, and Dave countered with everything the Internet had to offer. European dance music was particularly popular, especially Italo Disco, but Dave insisted on some good, hard, solid Rock & Roll in my honor. (Mike looked like he was enjoying the rock just as much as I was, by the way.)
Then Dave taught Vinyl Scratch a game to play with music. He says he got it off of a music website, and it goes like this: One person plays a song. The next person has to play a song that has four consecutive letters matching in the title or artist. And it goes back and forth between however many DJ's you've got rockin' the place.
She loved the game. Pinkie Pie and I got in on the fun, too.
Twilight looked like she wanted to ask a whole bunch of boring egghead questions, but between Mike, Dave, Pinkie, and I, we turned Celestia's Most Faithful Student into her Hardest Partying Student. It was both a ton of fun and hilarious as all Tartarus. Twilight Sparkle is not the best dancer in Equestria, you guys.
And then, it being night and all, and Celestia having forgotten to check back in with her because of all the cake and music and general awesomeness, Princess Luna showed up. She was as imperious and regal as when she first arrived in Ponyville on Nightmare Night (hopefully, by the time you guys get to read this, you'll have seen what I mean). And then Dave played some music in her honor .
She didn't like it.
She loved it.
Things kind of got out of hoof at that point. Ponies stayed up way past when it was sane to do so. Furniture was dragged out into the town square, and someone built a campfire, and you have to know what that means.
Dave kicked off the festivities with a creepy story about a haunted house and a floating coffin that just built and built and built in tension until the end, where he ended it with a way lame pun.
There was a long silence.
"Oh," said Princess Luna while everyone looked around at each other, unsure of what to do. "We get it! Cough drops! How witty thou art!"
"Princess!" hissed Twilight.
Luna blushed adorably - I'm beginning to understand why you humans think of ponies as being cute, even when we're totally awesome flank-kicking machines like Yours Truly - and chuckled. "I... I mean... You are very witty! Tell me more of these stories! Please." She'll get the hang of modern language someday, I'm sure of it.
But that's when the ghost stories kicked in. I proceeded to wave and flail my arms around to get Mike's attention. "Hey, Mike!" I said. "I got an idea, but I need your help! C'mere, we need to have a private chat."
Mike trotted over to the crystal, grinning mischievously. "Whatcha need, Rainbow Dash?"
"Hey, Twilight, can you give us some privacy?" I asked. "I don't wanna spoil the surprise. Hey, Scoots! Get over here, I need your help with this, too!"
Scootaloo grinned and zipped over to us, and Twilight raised a nice opaque shield.
"What's up Rainbow Dash?" the little orange filly chirped.
"Hey, Scoots, I know I promised I wouldn't tell anypony, but Mike here is a special case, wouldn't you say?"
"Tell anypony what?" Mike asked.
"I..." Scootaloo kicked the ground, and I heard Dave behind me clutching his chest and going "hnnnnnng", which I've come to learn is an internet thing about cuteness, and not an actual natural human response. "I'm scared of ghost stories," she said. "I get nightmares."
"Wow," said Mike. "I remember what that's like."
"What?"
"Scootaloo," I said, "it's not just you and me. Everypony gets scared. Everypony."
"Princess Luna said that--"
"Lalalalalalalalala!"
"What the heck is he doing?" Mike jabbed a hoof at the crystal and I glanced over my shoulder at Dave, who was covering up his ears and singing the "No Spoilers" song. It goes something like this:
La la la la la Rainbow Dash is trying to spoil the next season for me But I won't let her because I want to see it for myself And I cannot hear what she is saying La la la la la
It is atonal as all Tartarus, and has no rhythm, and is just downright horrible. "Geez, Dave, leave the room, then. This is important ." Dave shut up and went back into the kitchen to check on... I dunno. Something. I suspect he was just staying close at hand so that he could listen in "accidentally" and still assuage his guilt about the whole spoiler thing, but I could be wrong. It's not like I've never misjudged a pony before.
"Okay, continue," I said once he was out of the room.
"Princess Luna said I need to face the source of my fears if I want to make the nightmares go away."
I nodded. "Princess Luna is a very wise pony," I said. "And I guess nopony would know nightmares better. But when did you talk to her?"
"She showed up in my dreams and tried to calm me down when we were on that camping trip together."
"Wow," said Mike. After a moment of surprise, he continued. "Well, I sure as heck know about getting nightmares from scary stories. But you know what I learned?"
"What's that?"
"It's a lot more fun being scared of make believe things that can't hurt you than real things that can."
"He's right," I said. "That's why I have so much fun telling scary stories. Because I know that stories can't hurt you. Oh, speaking of which, Mike, when we get our bodies back, you totally need to read a story called Cupcakes!"
"No you don't!" yelled Dave from the kitchen. "Don't listen to her, Mike!"
"I'll spoil the whole second season for you if you don't pipe down, Dave!"
"Shutting up now," Dave said meekly. Apparently, Mike heard, because he laughed.
"All that aside," I said. "Being scared of make-believe stuff is only half the fun. The real fun comes when you realize that it's when you're afraid, you can use that to learn how to make other ponies afraid of make-believe stuff, too!"
"What are you saying?"
"Which of those stories bothered you the most?"
"Well... the old crone and the rusty horseshoe, I think," Scootaloo said, looking just absolutely pitiful.
"So, here's what you do. Mike, you go grab Rarity and see if you can borrow some scrap fabric from her. Don't tell her what it's for, or she'll want to make it look... ugh... pretty . And Scootaloo, you tell that story the scariest way you know how. I want to see ponies hugging each other. I want to hear screams. I want Pinkie Pie to forget how to Giggle at the Ghostly. I'm expecting big things from you. Can you handle that, Honorary Little Sister?"
Scootaloo grinned and snapped off an adorable little salute. "You got it, Honorary Best Big Sister Ever!"
"Mike, you're going to be the old crone. I want you out where the light from the bonfire can't reach. I want you to hobble around, I want you to be inconspicuous. But I want you there. Always there. I want ponies to notice you but not realize they notice you."
"I can help with that," an uninvited voice chimed in.
"Twilight, I thought I said we wanted privacy!"
"I can't help it," Twilight commented. "I can't put a shield around you without being aware of what's going on inside the shield. That's really advanced magic. My brother could do it. Maybe . But that's because shield magic is his specialty!"
"All that aside," Mike said, "what did you have in mind?"
"Percanthus' Persistent Mist," she said.
"Wait," I said. "Percanthus was one of the first ponies in the Equestrian Weather Service, after the first Hearth's Warming."
"Wow, Rainbow Dash, I didn't know you knew that much about history." Uh-oh. Twilight was impressed by my knowledge. That put me way further down the slippery slope to Egghead-topia than I was comfortable with.
"Anyway, he was a pegasus pony! How the hay did he come up with a spell?"
"Well, the founding of Equestria was a real golden age for Harmony between the pony races. The spell was created by Clover the Clever, really, but it was named for Percanthus because he taught her all the principles of weather control that made it possible."
"As fascinating as all this is," Mike objected, "what exactly does this spell do?"
"It creates a mist from the ground. It's mostly used to help dry out flooded areas after out-of-control thunderstorms, to keep the crops from drowning, but the effect is a cold, foggy mist that looks really creepy."
"Oh yeah," Mike and I said at the same time. "You do that, then!"
"This is going to be so much fun! " a fifth uninvited voice chimed in.
"P-P-Princess Luna?!"
"Do accept my apologies, ponies," the Princess of Night said. "Oh, and human," she added with a nod towards Mike. "But furtive nighttime meetings are something I simply cannot resist. If there is one taking place in my presence, I am aware of it, and it takes a real effort of will not to involve myself. The fact that it concerns two ponies I have come to care about didn't help, either. It is good to speak with you again, Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash."
Luna fully approved of my plan, and of Twilight Sparkle's magical contribution. She said she would happily enhance Mike's creepy factor with a few illusions and some shadow magic to keep ponies from realizing what he was doing.
Twilight Sparkle provided our target.
"You know," she said, "when I told the Headless Horse story to Applejack and Rarity at our sleepover, they really got scared."
"But they know this story," Scootaloo said. "They were with me and Rainbow Dash and the other Cutie Mark Crusaders on our camping trip!"
"Ooooh," said Mike. "A challenge ." He turned to me. "Based on what I know so far, Rarity would be more likely to react dramatically, right?"
"Melodramatically , more like," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Rainbow Dash !" scolded Twilight Sparkle. The effect was ruined a bit by her having to stifle laughter when she did it. "That's not a very nice thing to say."
"So, the pony I should target for this little prank is obvious," Mike continued.
Twilight nodded. "Oh, I can't wait to see the look on Rarity's face when you--"
"Not Rarity," I said, and Mike grinned.
"Applejack," he and I said at the same time.
"What? Why Applejack?"
"Because," Mike said. "If we can scare Applejack, we'll have scared them all . And because it'll be funnier that way."
"Applejack does make the funniest faces when she's scared," Twilight said, and that clinched it for me and Mike.
"Oooh," I said. "This I gotta see."
With that, we broke, Twilight dropped the shield, and Scootaloo waited for her turn patiently while Sweetie Belle told the old story about the Cave Troll and the three pony sisters. Sure, it's a lot less scary than what we had in mind, but that just made it all the better when Scootaloo took her turn.
There were a lot of knowing looks when she started in on the story. Clearly, a lot of the grown up ponies knew the story. More than half the colts and fillies did, too, it looked like. But that didn't matter, because Scootaloo told it really well. She did voices, she changed her posture to show how the old crone hobbled along... She's quite the performer.
Princess Luna's illusion magic darkened everything outside of the circle of light from the fire. Mike was a teetery, knobbly looking old hag of a pony even before the princess's shadow magic concealed his -- my features. And she made sure that ponies saw him circling around in the darkness out of the corners of their eyes.
A lot of ponies didn't even notice the mist Twilight was raising, but it had its effect, chilling them so that they huddled closer together. Princess Celestia noticed, however, and the look she gave Twilight Sparkle was...
I was just a little bit jealous. No, it wasn't one of those looks, before you guys get any weird ideas. It was a look of approval. Clearly, Princess Celestia was impressed with Twilight's use of the mist spell. Later on, Twilight told me just how complicated the spell actually was to perform. Apparently, normally, to conjure up a mist in an area the size of Ponyville Town Square, you need about a dozen well-trained specialist unicorns.
No wonder Princess Celestia was impressed.
But even I was impressed by the conclusion. The little crone pony, just barely registering in everypony's mind as a presence, crept up behind the Apple siblings, a shadowy, creepy figure just waiting to pounce. And when Scootaloo reached the end of the story...
"YOU HAVE IT! " the old crone shouted from behind Applejack. Suddenly, Princess Luna's shadow magic peeled away, and everypony was aware of just how close she'd crept without anyone really being aware of it. Applejack let out the loudest whinny I'd ever heard and jumped so high in the air her head punched a hole in my favorite napping cloud. It was hilarious!
But the best part was that the old crone pony in the cloak wasn't Mike. I scanned the crowd on the computer monitor, keeping an eye peeled for that rainbow colored mane of mine, and I saw him waving jovially at me from beside the princesses, completely unnoticed by anypony.
No, the old crone sneaking up behind Applejack had been none other than her own grandmother, Granny Smith. I grinned.
"Well played, Mike," I said. "Well played."
Author's Note
Whups. I accidentally the Rainbow Dash chapter. On the other hoof, now that RD and Mike can interact with each other through the Skype/Scrying Crystal hookup, that's less of a concern. Here are your notes for this chapter!
It's really hard to do The Floating Coffin justice in text form, but if you want, I'll try to oblige down here in the comments. It really is abysmally punny, as you can tell by Luna's reaction.
Regarding the inclusion of information from Season 3: The slice-of-life episodes don't have a really clear timeline, and considering how much this story focuses on Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo and their relationship, I really felt Sleepless In Ponyville needed to be referenced despite my earlier determination that Equestria was between Seasons 2 and 3. (That decision was made when I thought I'd be able to update more often and that the story would be concluded before Season 3 started.) For the most part, I will be sticking to that timeline, with Earth being between Seasons 1 & 2, and Equestria being between Seasons 2 & 3, but Sleepless In Ponyville is a definite exception to that entirely because it does wonderful things for the Rainbow Dash/Scootaloo dynamic that reinforce how I wanted this story to go.
The story told by Sweetie Belle is, of course, The Three Billy Goats Gruff , except with fillies instead of goats.
Interestingly, the story of the old crone and the rusty horseshoe was one I recognized from my own camping trips as a child, in which it was a greedy old woman who'd had a prosthetic arm made of gold, and had been buried with it. I was delighted to see it in Sleepless , despite the changes to kid-friendly-ify it. (Way better than the old 80s G.I. Joe episode about "the Viper" which was based on a ghost story with a punny conclusion similar to the Floating Coffin.)
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Mike: She Blinded Me With Science
Fastest Fall in Equestria She Blinded Me With Science
Mike: The party was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. It was like everything I'd ever thought a block party could and should be, and more. I have to agree with Rainbow Dash. If you haven't been to a Pinkie Pie party, you haven't been to a party.
But all good things must come to an end, even Pinkie Pie Parties, and the citizens of Ponyville all started packing their things up and heading inside. Twilight offered to let me stay with her so that we could work on the body-swap spell as soon as we got up in the morning, and Rainbow Dash stayed at Dave's so she could stay in touch.
Everyone slept in the next day -- we'd stayed out late, partied way harder than necessary, and were paying the price.
Well, almost everyone.
I woke up to the sound of talking. Either Twilight and Dave had stayed up all night -- a possibility, I conceded -- or they had gotten up early to share information.
I stumbled into the main library. "Morning guys," I said beteen yawns. "What's up?"
"We're trying to figure out which one of you is Sam," Dave said.
"What."
"Sam Beckett?"
"You've lost me."
Twilight grinned. "Dave's been sharing 'Your Tube Videos' with me," she said.
"YouTube," Dave and I corrected simultaneously.
"Getting all the ponies hooked on the internet, Dave? Sure that's wise?"
"Pfft. Who cares about wise?" Dave said. "I'm doing it for SCIENCE! "
"Careful with that science stuff, you'll go blind," I admonished.
"Good heavens, Miss Yakamoto, you're beautiful!"
"SCIENCE!"
"And you lost me," Twilight said.
"It's from a song," Dave explained.
"Will you all stop shouting?" A grumpy man's voice sounded from off... screen? Crystal? Whatever.
"Who the heck was that?"
"Rainbow Dash," Dave said.
"I do not sound like that," I objected, to both Dave and Twilight Sparkle's amusement.
"You do when you're tired. Sorry, R.D.!"
"Apologize quieter. What's for breakfast?"
While Rainbow Dash puttered around Dave's kitchen making herself some cereal, Twilight explained to me what she and Dave had been talking about.
"It seems there was a human television program called 'Quantum Leap'," she said.
"Oh, hey, I remember that one. With the guy from Enterprise, right?"
Dave hissed at me.
"Right, right," I said, "don't mention Enterprise around--" I paused so Dave could hiss again. "Around Dave. Anyway, what about it?"
"Well, according to Dave, in this show, Sam would swap bodies with someone and be stuck in their body until he had solved some problem in their life."
"Not exactly," I said. "He and they would switch places, yeah, but they were in their own bodies. Sam just looked like whoever he switched with to people there."
"Ha!"
I stared at the crystal flatly. "What, Dave?"
"You don't get to call me a geek anymore if you knew that!"
I grinned. "Please," I said. "Everyone knows that."
"No, they don't," Dave said. "Anyway, I like this comparison, because it makes me Al, and Al was cool."
"Sure you're not Gushie?"
"I don't like this comparison anymore."
"Anyway, it's a nice thought, but it looks like Rainbow Dash has a pretty good life here."
"So that means Rainbow Dash is Sam?"
I snickered.
"What's so funny?"
"I just pictured Twilight Sparkle in one of Al's horrible suits."
"Those suits were awesome, " Dave objected. "You just have no taste."
"Anyway, I don't think that's what happened here."
"Me either," Dave said, "but it was fun to speculate."
Twilight shrugged. "It was an alternative that bore exploring," she said. "I still think parrallelism is the culprit."
I frowned. "And now you've lost me."
"That's exactly what I'm talking about," Twilight said. "You're so much like Rainbow Dash sometimes I almost forget you're not her!"
I shook my head. "I'm nothing like Rainbow Dash. She's an athelete. She's in public service, if I'm understanding this weather pony business right. She's a pony. She's female . Shall I continue?"
"Dave says you used to be kind of a daredevil yourself," Twilight countered. "You're studying to be a doctor, which is public service at its finest. The other stuff is incidental." She shook her head. "Anyway, it's not the details of your lives that I'm talking about. It's the personalities. Sure, there are differences, but those are more cultural than personal. I think, if we're looking at a parallel world situation here, that you two are counterparts for each other."
"And, what, you and Dave are counterparts?"
"Makes sense," said Dave. "I mean, I identify most with Twilight, sure. Of course, I am by no stretch of the imagination the only brony to do so."
"So, what we need to do is figure out what the two of you were doing when the switch happened, and if we can reproduce that exact situation, you'll be back in your bodies in no time!"
I frowned. "Well," I said, "I was sitting down to watch My Little Pony for the first time."
"To watch what?"
I looked at Dave. "You never told her the title?"
"I called it 'Friendship is Magic,' which is the rest of the title, and more appropriate, I think."
"'My Little Pony'?" Twilight frowned. "Whose little pony? I'm confused."
"It's named for a line of toys," I explained. "The possessive is... it's kind of a girl-toy thing."
"My Buddy," Dave said as a counter-example.
"I said 'kind of'. Don't be such a stickler."
"Yup," Rainbow put in as she came into view with a very large bowl. "That's Twilight all over. Dave, you're a purple filly."
Dave blushed.
"I am not a filly," Twilight protested, which didn't help much. Rainbow and I fell over laughing. "I'm half tempted to leave you two where you are," she threatened, which shut us up quickly.
"Okay," I said. "This is my serious face. I am being serious here. Rainbow, what were you doing when we switched places? I mean, flying, I know, because the first thing I did when I got here was crash, but..."
Rainbow grunted, swallowing her overstuffed mouthful of cereal with a grimace. "Nothing much," she (he? whatever) said with exaggerated nonchalance. "I was only working on the coolest new stunt ever! "
"Cooler than the Sonic Rainboom?" Dave said with a grin.
"Pssh," scoffed Rainbow. "That thing's old hat now," she said. "I mean, yeah, it's like my signature move, but I need to keep pushing the envelope if I'm gonna be a Wonderbolt! No, this takes the Sonic Rainboom up to the next level: I call it the Sonic Corkscrew."
I frowned. "Okay, first of all, what in the heck is a Sonic Rainboom?"
"Ooh! Ooh!" I flinched, turning to see that the Pink Pony of Party had somehow gotten into the room without any of us noticing. "It's only the neatest trick ever! See, when a Pegasus Pony like Rainbow Dash goes really really fast and breaks the sound barrier, you get a sonic boom and a rainbow at the same time! "
"That..." I pondered it for a moment. "Okay, yeah, that sounds pretty darn awesome. So, this new trick would be that with a corkscrew twist?"
Rainbow nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah! See, if I do it just right, I should get two rainbow trails - one from my mane and the other from my tail - and they'll spiral around each other until I level off... It's gonna be a show stopper when I get it right!"
"Wow, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said enthusiastically. "That sounds like a great trick!"
"Oh, yeah," Rainbow said, buffing her fingernails on her shirt. My nails. My shirt. Whatever. "It's gonna be awesome ."
"So... I think I have an idea what we need to do."
"You do?" I grinned with relief. "Great, because I'm lost."
"It's not going to be easy," Twilight said, giving me a level gaze. "You're going to have to do Rainbow Dash's new trick."
"But I haven't gotten it to work yet!" Rainbow objected. "Mike doesn't stand a chance!"
"Hey," I said. "Don't count me out yet, Rainbow Dash. I might just surprise you."
"Right," Rainbow Dash said. "Well, we've got a lot of work ahead of us, then. Twilight, can you take this crystal out to the park?"
"Of course I can, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said, almost insulted at the request.
"Great, because Mike's gonna need some heavy-duty coaching if he's gonna pull off the Sonic Corkscrew."
* * * * *
"Okay," I said. "I get that this is an important part of your repertoire, Rainbow, but why exactly do I need to know how to do this Buckaroo Banzai thing?"
"Buccaneer Blaze!" corrected Rainbow Dash for the twelfth time. Eventually, she'd realize I was getting it wrong on purpose. "And if you can't pull off the Buccaneer Blaze, you'll never manage the Sonic Rainboom. And if you can't manage the Sonic Rainboom, how do you expect to pull off the Corkscrew?"
I shook my head, Rainbow Dash's mane hanging in front of my eyes. "But... I mean, the Sonic Rainboom is just going really fast, isn't it?"
"There's more to it than that," Rainbow said. "When you break the rainbow barrier, there's a blast of magic energy that'll knock you right out of the sky. It took me forever to work past that, and if I hadn't worked out the Buccaneer Blaze, I wouldn't have been able to push through it when I absolutely needed to."
"Needed to?" I took a swig from the squeeze bottle of apple juice Applejack had provided for my practice session, not questioning how I managed to squeeze the bottle.
"Yeah. I was having a serious problem getting the trick to work until Rarity fell out of the sky and I had to go that fast in order to catch her and the Wonderbolts before they hit the ground."
"Aren't... aren't the Wonderbolts flyers themselves?"
"It's kind of hard to fly when somepony's knocked you unconscious," Rainbow said.
"So... you first pulled it off in a life-or-death situation?"
"Well, no," Rainbow said. "That was the second time. The first time was when I was a little filly, the day I got my Cutie Mark."
"Your what?"
"Wow, Mike, I don't know who's to blame here. Either Twilight or Dave has to have explained Cutie Marks to you at some point."
* * * * *
Air is not supposed to become elastic, no matter how normal Rainbow Dash says it is. After about the twelfth time I was flung aside by what she called the Rainbow Barrier, I was ready to call it a day. I was ready to throw in the towel, really.
"No!" Rainbow dash had grabbed Dave's laptop and was shaking it, as though she could shake me by doing so. All she did was made the image in the crystal zoom in and out really fast. "You will not give up! You're in my body, and you can do this!"
"Yeah!" I blinked, looking around for the source of the cheer. There, beside a cluster of bushes, were Scootaloo and her two friends, the Cutie Mark Crusaders. "Rainbow Dash is the best flyer in Equestria! She does Sonic Rainbooms in her sleep!"
"Guys," I said, frustrated. "I'm not Rainbow Dash. I'm not an athelete. I'm not a stunt flyer. And I am never going to get this right!"
"That's what you said about the Buccaneer Blaze," Rainbow said. "And you nailed it the last five tries. Just trust me. Trust your body, it knows exactly what it's doing."
I nodded wearily, then looked over at the Crusaders. "What are you guys doing here, anyway?" I asked.
"Well..." Scootaloo scuffed the ground with a forehoof and I felt my heart clench as a blast of pure adorable hit me dead center. "I was hoping you could help me with something, actually," she said.
Rainbow nodded. "Yeah, I think you need a break," she said. "You're getting, like, way frustrated. I know how that feels, trust me. Whaddaya need, Scoots?"
"Well..." Scootaloo frowned, looking back and forth between me and the crystal. "I thought, since Mike was working on a stunt routine, and since you said that you've seen stunts like mine on that intermajigger thing in his world, he might know a few that I could try."
"Well," I said, "let's see whatcha got, kiddo!" It would do me good to watch somebody... somepony else doing stunts for a change.
Scootaloo proceeded to show off her stuff, and let me tell you, it was impressive. First off, she can propel herself at some impressive speeds with those wings of hers. After she got going for a bit, she showed off some moves, including a nice hands -- er, hooves -- free jump, a tail whip, and some nice jumps. I tried clapping, but that felt awkward in Rainbow's body so I ended up just stomping my hooves and whistling.
"Not bad, not bad," I said. "I'd love to see what you could pull off with a half-pipe."
"With a whut now?" Scootaloo's little yellow-furred friend -- Applejack's little sister Apple Bloom -- asked.
"Hey, Mike," Rainbow said. "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Rainbow Dash," I said in my best Pinkie (not Pie) voice, "but where are we going to find three dozen trout and a dancing bear in Equestria?"
With that, Rainbow Dash, the Crusaders, and I began planning what would hopefully be not only my first public performance of Rainbow Dash's stunts, as well as Scootaloo's performing debut, but my farewell performance as well.
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Rainbow Dash: When Worlds Collide
Fastest Fall in Equestria When Worlds Collide
Rainbow Dash: Figuring out what had happened wasn't really in my area of expertise, I gotta admit. That's really more along the lines of everyone's favorite egghead. All I could do was try to keep myself sane while I waited to hear from her. Dave introduced me to the internet, and internet-based gaming.
He tried to steer me clear of the whole "My Little Pony" fandom, but let's just say that rules and I have never gotten along well. (You guys do know I'm a flight-school dropout, right? And why?) He slipped up when he showed me "Robot Unicorn Attack," though.
First of all, wow, did I waste a whole lot of time with that game. Secondly, it was only a matter of time before I used the magic of Google to find a version with me in it. And from there, it was just a matter of time before I started looking for other things with me in them. And my friends.
Okay, bronies, can we talk? Like seriously, mare to men? This whole shipping thing? Kind of creepy. Just sayin'.
It took Dave a bit to explain the reasons everypony -- sorry, everybody -- in your world keeps assuming I'm a filly-fooler. Not that "tomcolt with rainbow colored hair" is difficult to explain, but why does that make me gay? So I'm a tomcolt. Whoop. Dee. Bucking. Doo. And my mane and tail are symbolic of one thing, and one thing only: awesome.
On the other hoof, what really bakes my noggin is that you humans make such a big deal about it. It is flat-out not a big deal one way or the other. Remind me to ask Twilight Sparkle if it was ever like that in Equestria, though, because I don't wanna be all "ponies are way awesomer than humans" even though we are. Ponies, get this, actually have flaws. Mostly that they're not all me.
I kid, I kid.
Anyway, shipping. I really don't know how I feel about this. I guess I could take it on a case-by-case basis. Like, for example, me and Applejack? Never gonna happen. I can kind of see why you guys might expect it to - if I was a filly-fooler (and I'm not saying I am), she'd totally be my type. But we're like sisters. In fact, you can just move all of my good friends into that "like sisters" category right now, okay? Me and Spitfire? Okay, I'm not going to lie, that would be awesome. I'm not going to say "never" but I ain't saying "yes" either. Same for me and Soarin.
Here's the real deal: I'm not really all that interested in foolin' -- filly or otherwise. Got too much on my plate, what with practicing for the Wonderbolts, weather management for Ponyville, and all the adventures we keep getting saddled with. Dragons, parasprites, Nightmare Moon, Discord, and so on... well, they kind of eat into any potential relationship time. If you really want to know what my orientation is, it's this: Dedicated. I am 120% dedicated to getting into the Wonderbolts, and Celestia help anypony who gets in my way. Relationships can wait.
Also, I totally ship Twilight and Princess Celestia. Mainly because it makes Twilight all flustered and panicky. It's awesome, you should try it sometime. Just repeat after me: Twilight and the Princess, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! It's a riot!
Oh, hay, also? I know you're wondering. Yes, I've read Cupcakes. No, it does not scare me. Not that Pinkie Pie can't be scary. I mean, the Surprise Birthday Party Incident was pretty dang creepy, but Cupcakes was just -- if anypony was going to go that kind of crazy, my money's on Twilight. It's always the quiet ones, and if there's one thing Pinkie Pie isn't, it's quiet.
Oh dear Celestia, I probably gave one of you freaks an idea, didn't I? Remind me to find out if Twilight can get me internet access in Equestria once I get back. I want to read it.
So, while I was playing Robot Unicorn Attack and Canabalt and Boomshine and stuff, Dave eventually wandered off to play something called "Cogs of Battle" or... wait, no, that's not it. It had "War" in the title, 'cause I remember when he told me, I was all "What's war?"
The look on his face was totally priceless.
Author's Note: Rainbow's chapters are all likely to be this short, it seems. I can't get her to be more verbose and still feel like Rainbow Dash.
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Rainbow Dash: Back to Life
Rainbow Dash: Movies make a great distraction and all, but sooner or later, things hit home. And there's only so much a pony can take.
Fastest Fall in Equestria Back To Life
So yeah, the Indiana Jones movies were pretty awesome. I don't see what the big deal about the fourth one was. It was cool! I don't know if you guys are aware, but if I crash into something right when I do a sonic rainboom, it makes a cloud just like that one after the big chase near the beginning, only all rainbow colored and even awesomer! And I'm pretty darn sure a big metal fridge would be protection against that, since AJ and Twilight were just fine in a nearby ditch.
But Dave went all bonkers about it, yelling "OH COME ON" at the screen every few minutes. I mean, he didn't have a problem when that dude with the skull on his head yanked someone's heart out through their ribcage and held it up while the dude he did it to was somehow still alive, but the whole "surviving an explosion in a metal box" thing was too much? And then there was the whole "gods are aliens" thing which makes perfect sense to me. Is there anything more alien than a god? But he flipped out over that, too.
But after the movies were over, it was my turn to flip out.
Because after the movies were over, I realized that the sun had set, and I was still stuck, having spent an entire day in an alien body in an alien world... and who knew when I was getting back?
Dave was pretty cool about it. He caught me staring out the window, but he didn't pressure me.
"You okay?"
I grunted - it was the most I could bring myself to do.
"Want to talk about it?"
I shook my head. All I wanted to do was go home. Talking wouldn't get me home. It would just remind me I wasn't there.
He patted me on the shoulder. "All right," he said. "But if you change your mind, I'm here."
I nodded. He settled down to watch some weird cartoon about baby birds (that's what a chick is, right?) that like robots with trucks for heads or something, I don't know, and I just stared into space for a bit.
"It's just," I said, then trailed off.
"Go on," he said, turning off the sound.
"It's been all day and not only am I still stuck here, still a freaky alien monkey thing, still male which is weirder than heck, but I haven't even heard from the girls! What if they don't know I'm gone? What if your friend... what if he got hurt and has amnesia and they think it's still me only with amnesia, and they never figure out it's not me?"
Dave started to speak, but I kept going.
"What if he doesn't have amnesia, but they think I've gone loco in the coco and have me put away? They have these rooms with clouds stuck to the walls where they stick ponies who might hurt themselves or others, and they use all kinds of magic on them to make them better, but Twilight says the magic they use is really dangerous and if they ever used it on someone who wasn't crazy it might make them crazy, or even worse!"
Dave just stared. I was in full swing now, rattling off worries like Pinkie Pie telling a story.
"And even if they don't think he's crazy, what if they think he's some kind of monster, like a changeling or something, and they lock him up forever and ever? And even if they don't do that, who's to say they'll be able to switch us back, or even find me?"
Dave grinned. "Shall I tackle these one by one?" he asked.
"If you think you're the big expert on my friends," I snapped, "then maybe you should think again!"
He grinned. "Hey, I'm just gonna ask a few questions. You're freaking out. Like big time, like you did at the Best Young Fliers' competition. Dude, your pupils are dilated all to hell and back. So take a few breaths and we'll figure this thing out, okay?"
I clenched my hands into fists - it's not like humans have claws like dragons or gryphons or anything - and took a few breaths. "Okay," I said. "But make it good."
"Okay," he said, "so starting from the beginning: What if Mike has amnesia? I doubt it. The only way he could get amnesia by hitting his head is if he hit it hard enough to get brain damage. And as fast as you can fly, you've taken tons of spills without forgetting a thing, right?"
I didn't want to acknowledge the "tons of spills" part, but he'd seen enough of me in action to know that the crashes are the result of experimenting rather than incompetence, so I let it slide. "I guess... But--"
"So the next option: what if they think he's you only crazy? Well, what did you guys do when you thought Pinkie Pie had gone nuts?"
"We... talked to her."
"Uh-huh," he said.
"And we convinced her that we really did want to be her friends, and we didn't hate her."
"Yeah..."
"And she snapped out of it."
"Right," he said. "Which brings us to your next big what-if: what if they do realize he's not you, but think he's a monster or something?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
"That's probably most likely out of all of them," he said, "but that doesn't make it likely. I mean, you and your friends are pretty much the exemplars of what makes a friend a friend. No, strike that 'pretty much', that's what you are. Can you see Twilight Sparkle passing up an opportunity to learn about a whole other world? Or Pinkie Pie missing an opportunity for a party? Or Fluttershy failing to give somepony the benefit of the doubt? Especially after you guys learned your lesson with Zecora?"
I shook my head. "No," I said. "Applejack might be a problem, or she might not. Once that bonehead learns a lesson, it stays learned."
"Bonehead?"
I nodded. "Oh yeah, we're two of a kind that way. Stubborn and kinda dense."
"Okay, so the last one. It's possible," he said, "I have to admit, that your friends will do everything they can to bring you back and just plain fail, but..."
I blinked, looking over at him, not quite daring to hope, but not wanting to give up either. "But?"
"Can you see Twilight Sparkle failing to do something she sets out to do? Something to do with magic? Ever? Like, ever ever?"
I laughed. "Never ever ever ever," I said.
"Right," he said. "So it might take time, but I doubt it. After all, even if Twilight can't figure it out, she can always write a letter, can't she?"
I grinned. "Dear Princess Celestia," I said, "I kind of lost Rainbow Dash. Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle. P.S.: Mike is the new Rainbow Dash."
He laughed. "Feel better?" he asked.
"Kind of," I said. "But..."
"But what?"
I frowned. "No," I said. "It's weird."
He put his hands on his hips. "Spit it out, Rainbow," he said.
"I... I kinda need a hug," I said in a quiet voice.
He grinned, and spread his arms. I don't know how long he held me while I got over the shakes. Could have been minutes or more, but it felt like forever before we were interrupted by a sarcastic -- and very familiar -- voice.
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Fastest Fall in Equestria Here Comes the Sun
Mike: I had been certain I was about to be lynched by a group of technicolor ponies, until Princess Celestia appeared. There are a large number of words that could describe the Pretty Pony Princess. Majestic. Grand. Elegant. Pretty Pony Princess.
Okay, she's not technically a pony, but she is a princess of a kingdom full of ponies, and she is definitively equine in nature.
By the time she had alighted in front of the gathering mob, I was starting to feel sorry for them. She wasn't angry. After her initial outburst, which served to get their attention off of me and onto her, she didn't even raise her voice.
She radiated a deep maternal concern, which, combined with the disappointment she'd already verbalized, yeilded a god-tier guilt trip. My mother could stand to take some lessons from Princess Celestia -- if she was able to convey half as much feeling as the Princess did, I would call every single day. Twice a day on weekends.
I wanted to duck inside the library while everyone's -- excuse me, everypony 's -- attention was fixed on the Princess (and I'm sure no few of them were thinking of places they'd rather be, as well), but I couldn't drag my eyes away from her.
"What," she asked, "is the meaning of this?" She swept an open wing across the courtyard, the gesture including all the ponies present, along with the stragglers who were just now catching up.
"She's a changeling!" a tan pony with a grey mane, an old-fashioned collar, a pair of half-moon pince-nez glasses, and a butt-tattoo of a scroll said, jabbing a hoof in my direction. "She's replaced Rainbow Dash and is going to feast on our love!"
"No," yelled another pony -- this one with cream colored fur, a red mane, and a rose on her butt -- "it's a demon , and it's come to devour us all!"
"It's an alien ," shouted an aqua-colored unicorn with a blue and white mane that looked kind of like Aquafresh toothpaste. I expected a toothbrush mark on her flank, but, for some reason, she had an hourglass instead.
Twilight Sparkle finally made her appearance at this point, out of breath from a full-tilt sprint and levitating some very large, very old-looking books. "Mike's not any of those things! " she shouted, exasperated.
"Um, Twilight," I said, "technically, I kind of am an alien."
"Not helping," she hissed at me between clenched teeth.
Yet another mare, this one light green with a paler green mane and a picture of a harp or lyre or something on its butt, raised a hoof. "What kind of alien?" she asked suspiciously.
"Well," Twilight said matter-of-factly, "he's something called a human, and--"
"I KNEW IT! " the mare -- seriously, are there any male ponies in Ponyville? Inquiring minds want to know -- shouted, then galloped off towards town. I distinctly heard the words "photographic evidence", followed by "then we'll see who's laughing".
Do you know what it feels like to facepalm with a hoof? Hooves are not soft, delicate things like fingers. They, in fact, are made of keratin, the same stuff fingernails are made of, and are pretty darn hard. So while a normal facepalm stings a bit, a facehoof is like bashing yourself in the forehead with a coconut. Just a little FYI for you.
"Aw, tarnation," a friendly drawl called out from behind the assembled ponies. I grinned. Applejack had caught up to us. "Twi went an' said the 'H' word, didn't she?"
Princess Celestia smiled indulgently. "Once everypony is assembled, Mayor Mare," she said with a meaningful nod towards the pony who'd accused me of being a changeling, "I would like a few words with the citizens of Ponyville regarding your behavior towards Our guest."
I frowned. "Mayor Mare?" I said under my breath, and Twilight shushed me. "Also," I whispered, to her unending exasperation, "did I just hear the Royal 'We'?"
"Shush!" whispered Twilight. "And yeah, you did. The princesses never use it anymore... well, except when Princess Luna forgets, or when they're being especially formal."
In a matter of moments, the town square was full. Twilight, Applejack, and I were all standing by the Princess (and let me tell you, nothing makes you feel small quite like being a pony standing next to Princess Celestia). Twilight's other friends, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity, were on the Princess' other side.
"Citizens of Ponyville," Princess Celestia said with a sad smile. "I came here this evening to assist my most faithful student Twilight Sparkle in returning an unexpected guest of Equestria to her home."
I frowned at her choice of pronouns, but she wasn't finished yet.
"Instead of the open-hooved welcome I hoped she would find among my little ponies, however," she continued, "I find you chasing her across Ponyville with torches and pitchforks . I had expected better of you. Just think of what a terrible impression you've made on her in just one... short..." She trailed off, staring at me oddly. "Why is she blushing, Twilight?" she whispered.
I winced, and Twilight stared at me for a moment. It only took a moment before I saw comprehension dawn on her face, followed by embarrassment and a bit of social anxiety. Her eyes widened and I swear her fur got a shade paler, and she lifted a hoof to cover her muzzle as she whispered something into the Princess' ear.
Princess Celestia went rigid, her head held high not in pride, but in shock. "Three times," she muttered, shaking her head almost imperceptibly. "Some head of state." She cleared her throat. "He ," she continued with a wry half-smile, "is a guest of this nation, this town, and, most importantly, of Twilight Sparkle and her friends. I expect you to treat him accordingly."
A hoof was raised. "Is it true humans eat meat?" a worried looking magenta mare with a curly purple mane said, before pushing a filly behind herself.
Princess Celestia frowned. I trotted over to her. "If you don't mind, Your Majesty," I said, "I'll go ahead and answer these."
"If you like," she said. "I'm sorry my little ponies are being so rude, though."
I shrugged, then turned to address the crowd. "Humans are omnivores," I said. "There are humans who refuse to eat meat for health reasons or for moral reasons, and there are others who don't." I grinned. "All of that's moot, however, since I'm stuck in Rainbow Dash's body, and that kind of forces me to be a vegetarian."
"Do... do humans eat ponies ?" another voice called out from somewhere in the middle of the crowd.
"Generally not," I said. "Look, let me put this another way. Humans eat the meat of dumb animals."
"IT ATE RAINBOW DASH!"
"Hey, now, that's just mean," Applejack interjected. "An' her not here ta defend herself!"
"I did not ," I said, "and I'm going to repeat that part, I did NOT eat Rainbow Dash."
"Well then," a familiar young voice piped up, and it didn't take me long to pick Scootaloo out of the crowd of ponies around the library, "what did you do with her?"
"We don't know what happened," I said. "Twilight Sparkle is trying to figure that out. The best guess we can come up with, since I'm here in her body, is that she and I switched places, which would mean she's in mine."
"Wait," said Scootaloo, "humans can switch bodies? Switch with me! Switch with me!"
I laughed. "Sorry, Scootaloo," I said. "It's not a human thing. I figure it's a magic thing, which pretty much rules humans out. We don't have magic where I come from."
That caused a great deal of surprised chatter, mostly along the lines of "but then how do they get anything done?" and the like. I raised a ha-- a hoof.
"I'd be happy to answer more questions," I said, "but since Twilight Sparkle and the Princess have returned from Ca.. from..." I snorted. "I can't say it," I said. "I just can't say it."
"What," said Princess Celestia. "Canterlot?" The barest hint of a laugh snuck past my guard, but I clamped down on it immediately.
"I still don't get it," Twilight Sparkle muttered irritably. "What's so funny about Canterlot? It's a beautiful city!"
"Please," I begged. "Stop saying the name. It's too silly."
The Princess arched an eyebrow. "Stop saying what? Canterlot?"
I made a sound that can best be described as "snrk".
"I don't see why Canterlot should be such an amusing word. I think it rolls of the tongue nicely: Canterlot, Canterlot, Canterlot."
I couldn't take it anymore. I fell over laughing.
"Okay, everypony," Twilight said, even more irritated. "It's clear Mike here isn't in any condition to answer more questions, so why don't we all just--"
"WAAAAAAAIT!!!"
"Pinkie Pie!" Twilight reared back in surprise as her hyperactive friend simply... I can't say she just appeared in front of Twilight, because it wasn't quite like that. One moment, she was on the other side of the Princess, and the next, not only was she right in front of Twilight, but it was as though she'd always been there. There was no movement, she was just there . That mare is kind of creepy sometimes. "Wh... what did you want?"
Pinkie Pie batted her eyes ingenuously at her purple friend. "You're not going to just send them away , are you?" She sniffed. "Before... before my big super-duper-ultra-special 'Welcome to Ponyville, Visitor from Another Dimension' party?"
"Party?" Twilight said, her voice flat.
"Well, duh! " Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. "You know how much I love making new ponies feel welcome, and you know that nothing makes a pony feel better than a party, and--"
Twilight quickly stuffed a hoof in Pinkie Pie's mouth. "I get it, Pinkie," she said.
"Tell you what," I said. "Why don't you take this opportunity to get everybo-- everypony organized and get the party set up, and Twilight and I will go inside for a minute so she can talk to me about this idea she had."
Pinkie Pie was in front of me as suddenly as she'd been in front of Twilight earlier. "That's a great idea! Promise you'll come back out and enjoy the party?"
I nodded. "I promise," I said, and that's when I learned the sacred, solemn oath that is the Pinkie Pie Swear.
"Cross your heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in your eye?"
"I what?" I frowned. "That... a cupcake? "
Pinkie Pie talked me through the Pinkie Pie Swear and its, let's face it, utterly ridiculous gestures, and, satisfied, let Twilight Sparkle and I head into the library.
* * * * *
"Okay," I said. "What's the big plan?"
"Well," Twilight said, "it could get a bit complicated. I suppose I should start with what we call 'multiverse theory'."
"I was thinking along the same lines myself," I admitted. "As soon as--"
"You saw the map of Equestria?" Twilight asked with a grin.
"Exactly," I said. "It looks, well, not just like the United States of America, but it's kind of eerily similar."
She nodded. "Okay," she said. "If they're not exactly the same, that's to be expected. If you are from an alternate reality, then naturally there will be differences between our two worlds. But there's something else we need to consider first."
"What's that?" I asked.
"Aliens."
I facehoofed again. I knew it was going to hurt, but I couldn't stop myself. "What."
"Here," she said, "take a look at these," and deposited a pile of scrolls in front of me.
"Okay," I said. "What are they?" I struggled to unroll the top one, only to have her magically whisk it out from under my hooves and unroll it.
"Star charts," she said unneccessarily. Once I could see the contents of the scroll she'd unrolled, I knew exactly what it was. "Do you see anything familiar?"
I nodded. Pointing at one end of the chart with a hoof, "that's Ursa Major, right?"
Twilight cringed. "Oh! Oh, the constellation! Yes," she said. "That's... what you said. But we mostly just call it the big--"
"Dipper," I finished for her. "And there's Ursa Mi-- I mean the Little Dipper," I said, pointing at another. "Draco. Aries... Yeah, that settles it."
She nodded. "Your world and mine occupy the same position in space," she said. "Therefore, you have to come from an alternate reality." She frowned. "This is where it gets complicated."
"I'll bet," I said.
"Well, it's just... do you have any idea how many alternate realities there are?"
"I kind of figured the number would be, well, infinite," I said.
"Well, yes, when you get down to it I suppose it would be," she said. "But as to the number that are accessible at any given time via magic transposition, translation, and rotation? Based on the information I found in one of Star Swirl the Bearded's manuscripts, it's something on the order of ten to the twenty-eighth power."
I whistled. "That," I said, "is a very big number."
"Six to the sixth power," she said, "and then that raised to the sixth power again !"
"Okay, so how in the name of everything holy and otherwise do we narrow down the search?"
Twilight frowned. "I'm... working on that. I was hoping that you could provide me with enough information about your world to help narrow down the search parameters."
"So, what, it's like I'm providing the Google keywords for your search?"
"I have no idea what that even means," Twilight said, "but that..." She shuddered, as though the next word to come out of her mouth was some obscenity. Come to think of it, in her mind it probably was. "That ignorance is what I'm talking about. I need you to be able to filter what I'm looking at so that I can tell if I'm even getting close to your world!" She grabbed me by the shoulders with her forehooves and started shaking. "Otherwise, we could be at this until Celestia dies of old age!"
"Okay," I said. "Take a minute. Calm down. You're a very smart pony. You'll figure this out. Remember, we're not just looking for my world, we're looking for one of your closest friends."
"I KNOW!" Twilight Snapped at me. "And I'm terrified! What if I never see Rainbow Dash again!"
"Hey," I said firmly. "None of that talk, now, Twilight Sparkle." She looked at me, frowning. "Who, " I said, "is the smartest pony I have ever met?"
"Um... me?"
"Once more with feeling, Sparkle," I snapped. "Who's the smartest darn pony in Ponyville?"
"I am!"
"And who is the personal protege of Princess Celestia?"
"Me again," she said, a bit bashfully.
"And who is never, ever going to give up until she gets her friend back?"
"Me!" Twilight stood straight and tall, her mane waving dramatically in a wind that apparently whipped itself up just to make the moment more dramatic . Equestria seems to thrive on that sort of thing.
"Well, all right, then," I said, satisfied.
Twilight grinned at me. "You know what, Mike?"
"What?"
"You sounded exactly like Rainbow Dash just then."
I frowned. "Well, I mean, I'm in her body, so naturally I have her voice..."
"Not just her voice. Her mannerisms. Her attitude. You were just like her."
She and I stared at each other for a moment. I could see the connections forming in that brilliant mind of hers -- the same connections falling into place in my own.
"That's it!" we both said simultaneously.
"Apart from the career path, you're just like Rainbow Dash! " Twilight Sparkle said. "What made you choose medicine?"
I chuckled. "I, uh," I confessed, "spent a lot of time in hospital emergency rooms. When I was a teenager, I was really into skateboarding and BMX, and I took a lot of risks learning--"
"--new stunts!" Twilight finished for me excitedly. "That's it, that's it, that's it! WOOHOO!"
"But how does this help us find my home, and Rainbow Dash?" I asked, getting caught up in her excitement.
"Don't you see? If I'm right, the reason you switched bodies with Rainbow Dash is that there was already a connection between the two of you! You're what Rainbow Dash would be if she'd been born in your world, as a human... and... a... male. Maybe I should rethink this..."
I shook my head. "No, no, no, always go with your first instinct. Nine times out of ten, what seems like pure inspiration is the result of hundreds of tiny subconscious observations all being put together logically. Just because you don't know where the idea comes from doesn't mean it doesn't have a solid foundation."
Twilight froze. "Subconscious observations?" She frowned. "Solid... foundation..." Her eyes lit up. "Pinkie Pie!"
"Oh, darn!" the pink party pony said, startling me right out of my skin. "Here I thought I was gonna sneak up on you two!"
"DON'T DO THAT! " I shouted from the top of the bookshelf I'd leapt to in my... not fear. Surprise. She surprised me, that's all. Twilight grinned sheepishly at me from her place next to me on the same bookshelf. Apparently I wasn't the only one she'd startled.
"Mission accomplished," Twilight said. "Could you maybe bring me the big stepladder from the stacks back there? I'd like down."
"Okie-dokie-lokie!" chirped the pink menace.
"What was that all about?" I asked as soon as Pinkie Pie had left the room.
"Oh, Pinkie Pie has this weird ability to just know when things are going to happen, and figuring it out has been driving me absolutely insane for the longest time. But what if these little twitches and spasms she gets are her subconscious trying to alert her to things her Earth Pony sense lets her know about?"
"You are asking completely the wrong pers... um, pony," I said. "I don't even know what kind of... wait... spasms... that sounds familiar." I grinned. "Caudal spasms! So that's what that dream was about!"
"Right! Caudal spasms," Twilight said, "or, as Pinkie refers to them, 'a twitchy tail', are how she knows if something's going to--"
"Twitchy tail!" Pinkie called out from the next room. "You guys better--" The rest of the sentence was drowned out by the loud crash as Twilight and I lost our footing and took the sudden route back to the floor.
"...fall," Twilight finished grumpily. "Nevermind the ladder, Pinkie, we got down anyway."
"Okie-dokie-lokie!"
"Okay," I said, as I hauled myself back to my hooves. "Okay, so if there's a connection between me and Rainbow Dash already, then shouldn't you be able to, I don't know, work some sort of unicorn mumbo-jumbo and, you know, sense it?"
"Well," said Twilight, "while I resent your use of the term 'mumbo-jumbo', that's basically what I'd like to do." She swept the pile of books onto the floor. "All right, Mike, hop up on the table and lie down. Let's do this."
I complied. "Okay," I said, "now what?"
"Now," she said, "I've got to concentrate on this dimensional viewing spell. Once I've got it established, I'll link you into it and we can tune in on Rainbow Dash through your connection to her!"
"Fantastic!"
"Spike! I need that big quartz Rarity brought me last week!" Twilight looked around. "Spike!"
* * * * *
In the end, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, and I had to go out to where the party was just getting underway in order to track down the baby dragon. He was chatting with a white unicorn with a decidedly punk mane striped in two shades of blue, who was setting up a set of turntables.
"No hard feelings about that fashion show gig, right?"
"No sweat, little guy. You know I'm always happy to lend a hoof." Despite the fact her eyes were concealed by a pair of purple shades that would look at home in almost any dance club, I caught a flicker as she glanced my way. "Well, well, well, if it isn't the mare of the hour," she said with a grin. "Whoa, sorry, I mean stallion." She looked me up and down. "Except you kind of seem to be lacking a little something in that department if you know what I mean."
I blushed. "It's a temporary condition, I assure you," I said. "Hey, Spike. Twilight needs the big quartz crystal Rarity gave her last week, if that means anything to you?"
He nodded. "It's in the basement with all her measuring equipment. I'll go get it." He turned to the DJ. "I'll be right back, Vinyl. Don't start the party without me, okay?"
"No promises," she said with a grin. "Everywhere I go is a party!"
Spike started to lead the way back towards the library. "Whoa," I said, sticking a hoof in front of him. "Look, no sense all of us missing the party. Why don't you just tell me where it is and get back to chatting with miss... Vinyl, was it?"
"Vinyl Scratch," the pony said. "Otherwise known as the one, the only, DJ P0n-3." (I don't know how she managed to make me hear numbers instead of letters when she said it. What I heard was "Pone-e." And yet I knew how to spell it. It's Friendship, I don't have to explain jack.)
"Pleased to meet you, Miss Scratch," I said, extending a hoof. "I'm Mike."
"You a teacher, Mike?"
"Um, no," I said. "Medical student. Why?"
"Because I ain't been called 'Miss Scratch' since school. Vinyl's fine."
Spike rolled his eyes. "Sheesh, Mike, if you're gonna flirt with every available mare in Ponyville, you're gonna give Rainbow Dash a reputation! Anyway, it's a big clear quartz crystal, right by the big enceff... enemef... elepha... brainwave thingy. You can't miss it, it's as big as me."
"Encephelogram?"
"Yeah, that thing."
"Righto," I said. "You get back to partying. I expect authorities to be dispatched when this is over."
"That's how you know when the party's over!" Vinyl said with a grin. "Hey, Pinkie Pie! We gonna do this or what?"
* * * * *
"Okay," Twilight said. "This crystal will act as a sort of window into the worlds we connect to. Hopefully, that'll just be the one, and it'll be the right one. If I'm right, that part of the spell should practically do itself."
"Okay, so what do I do?"
"Just... when I go to hook you into the spell, try to think about home."
"Okay."
She turned her attention to the crystal, her horn beginning to glow with a soft lavender light that began to build in intensity. Layer upon layer of magic wrapped itself around both her horn and the quartz, which began to fog up and then turn black.
"Okay," Twilight said after a moment. "Wow, that took a lot more out of me than I thought. But that should do it for stage one."
"What am I looking at?"
"If I read these notes correctly, we're looking at the space between universes. It's black because there's nothing there. No matter, no light, no energy, nothing. Not even potential. It's a very dangerous place to connect a spell to," she admitted, "because of the principles of osmosis and diffusion."
"Wait, are you saying that spell could suck everything into limbo?"
"Not everything ," Twilight said. "Just... all my magic, and, um... me."
"Well hell, woman, let's move on to stage two!"
She smiled weakly. "Oh, the spell's not actually connected to the void. It's just looking at it because we haven't told it where to look. Keeping the spell separated from that void took a lot of energy, though, so I need a minute before we move on to the next step."
"Take your time," I said. "You know, as long as doing so doesn't risk your life . Why didn't you tell me the spell was going to be risky?"
"Because then you wouldn't let me cast it," she said. "Now hush, this next part is tricky." Her horn started to glow again, and without giving me time to argue, she touched it to my forehead. The moment her horn touched mine, but only for a moment, I got a glimpse of what magic must look like to her. The glow surrounding her horn was filled with symbols. Words and ideas flowed around through the ether, connecting in a stream between her mind (via her horn) and the crystal... and then to me.
The world turned inside out. There was a brilliant flash of white, and I tried to rear back away from the light, only to find that I couldn't move. I couldn't feel my body at all. And then...
Do you know that scene in Stargate, the first time they step into the gate, when the camera zooms around on a roller-coaster through space, swinging by the different constellations? It was exactly like that except in place of clusters of stars, there were galaxies, entire universes full of galaxies. And then there was another flash of white light and I found myself back in Rainbow Dash's body, staring at the crystal intently.
Visible in the crystal was my friend Dave's living room. Dave was there, as was I... or rather, my body. They were hugging, and "I" was sobbing uncontrollably into Dave's chest.
"See, Dave?" I said, and they both jumped and turned to face us. "I told you this pony stuff would turn you gay!" To his credit, he flipped me off.
Fastest Fall in Equestria
Rainbow Dash: Party with Pinkie Pie
Fastest Fall in Equestria Party With Pinkie Pie
Rainbow Dash: I felt my expression go completely flat. It took me a moment to realize what Mike meant by "gay". Once I did, I was torn between laughing at the idea of someone just spontaneously "turning gay" and getting really mad at Mike for making fun of his friend like that. It was Dave's reaction that clinched it. He spluttered for a moment, caught completely off guard, then called Mike a rude name and started laughing.
Mike can be kind of a jerk sometimes, but in an okay way. Actually, he reminded me a lot of myself in that way. His crack about ponies turning people gay was so absolutely bonkers that I couldn't help but laugh. Of course, the hug had helped put me in a better mood to begin with.
"Hey," I said to the disembodied voice of Mike in my body. "Where are you?"
"Well," he said, "that depends on what you mean. In one sense, I am in your body, which is currently sitting in Twilight Sparkle's basement in Ponyville, Equestria. In another... Well, I'm not sure if this'll work, but look behind you and kind of to the left."
I did as instructed. "Okay," I said after a moment. "Still not seeing you."
"Well," he said, "what do you see?"
"The TV, which is off, and the coffee table and couch and... Wait a minute," I said, having just noticed something. "Do me a favor and wave, would you?"
"Wave?"
"Yeah, just stick your hoof up in the air and wave it back and forth. It's so easy a foal can do it!"
I heard him grumble in annoyance, which, as far as I was concerned, paid him back for the "gay" crack. "I know what waving is," he said. "Humans do it too, it's just that pony legs shouldn't... well how 'bout that?"
I grinned, as I noticed a little picture of, well, me waving from one corner of Dave's computer screen. "Dave, come check this out," I said. "Mike's in your computer. Ooh! Maybe Equestria is some kind of simulation, like one of your video games?"
"Yeah, well, I don't feel like Kevin Flynn, so let's just scratch that one off the list of theories, okay?" Mike grinned from the picture of Twilight's basement. "So you can see me on Dave's laptop?"
"Yeah, in a window that says... Skippy?"
Mike laughed at my faux pas. "You mean Skype?"
"Yeah, that's the one."
"Hey, Twilight! You can check off Interdemensional Video Chat from your list of things to do in the name of Science!"
"I... I don't have that one, Mike," came the voice of everyone's favorite egghead from somewhere off camera.
"Oh come ON, Twilight," I said. "Are you seriously telling me you don't have a list like that?"
"No, I mean that 'Interdimensional Video Chat' isn't on the list! Oh gosh, what do I do now?"
"Well," said Mike, "first you add it to the list..."
"...and then," I finished, "you check it off!"
We grinned at each other and, simultaneously said, "It's so simple a foal could do it!"
"Ha ha," Twilight said, trotting into view. "Oh, wow, Mike, is that really what you look like?"
Mike nodded. "Yes Ma'am," he said. "That is one Grade-A, prime example of Homo Sapiens Sapiens in the prime of his life!"
"Grade-A?" She scoffed. "More like Grade-Z. Are you supposed to have those bags under your eyes? And why are they so red?"
I chuckled nervously. I didn't want to tell her I'd been crying. Fortunately, Dave came to my rescue.
"I was chopping onions!" he said. "For stir fry!"
"Yeah," I said, "that was totally it." I grinned. "Nah, Mike's in pretty good shape. Not as good shape as me , but he's one of you egghead types, and we all know you don't get out enough."
To my surprise, it was Mike, and not Twilight, who got offended. "Hey, I get out plenty!"
"Really," I said. "Aside from going to class?"
"I have sushi every Thursday," he said. "So there."
"That's it, I'm putting you on an exercise regimen. And when we switch back, I expect you to stick to it! I thought I was having trouble breathing because of all the car exhaust in the air, but now I know it's because you're a big bag of fluff who can't even climb a flight of stairs without wheezing."
"I can too!"
"Mike," I said, "I am currently residing in your body . Don't lie to me. Applejack wouldn't like it."
He sighed. "Okay, fine. Just so long as it leaves me time for other stuff. Like studying. And socializing."
"Hay," I said, "don't sweat it! If anypony knows the importance of hanging out with friends, the Mane Six do!"
"The what now?" Twilight frowned. "Who are the Mane Six?"
"Us, silly! You, me, AJ, Rare, Pinkie, and Flutters!"
"Why... why would you call us that?"
"Because -- get this -- we are the main characters of a cartoon all about Equestria! It all starts with the day you came to Ponyville, and right now, they're up to the Grand Galloping Gala."
"Oh, wow," said Twilight. "Not... exactly our finest hour."
"You're telling me. There's a ton of pictures of Fluttershy's big entrance to the ballroom. The bronies have a theory called Cutie Mark Critical Failure Syndrome or something that kind of explains it."
Twilight frowned. "Oh, that wasn't CMCFS," she said after a moment. "That was a picnic compared to real CMCFS."
"Wait," I said after a moment. "There really is such a thing? Why haven't I heard of it?"
"Well," said Twilight, "you remember how everypony reacted when Apple Bloom got the Cutie Pox?"
"Oooh," I said. "I was off in Cloudsdale that day, but I heard about it, yeah."
"Imagine that only all across Equestria."
"Done and done. Cutie Mark Critical Failure Syndrome classified Top Secret due to hysterical pony panic, got it!" I mimed zipping my lips, which is way easier when you have fingers, trust me on this one.
"So what are the symptoms of real Failure Syndrome?" Dave piped in.
"Well, it starts off the same as when Discord did... whatever he--" Twilight trailed off when she noticed Dave sticking his fingers in his ears and going "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA" at the top of his lungs. "What is up with him?"
"Spoilers," I said, jerking a thumb over my shoulder at him. "Dave here doesn't want to know what happened after the Gala until it shows up on their television show."
"Ooookay," she said. "So, putting it another way, ponies start acting grossly out of character, and the color drains from their coat. That's stage one. Then in stage two, black patches start appearing on and around their Cutie Mark. And once it's all covered up..." She hung her head. "That's it. A Cutie Mark is a representation of a pony's soul, and when whatever causes CMCFS blots that out, it either blots out their soul or cuts it off from their body. The pony falls into a coma and so far no magic has been found that can revive, or even contact, them."
"That... that's terrible," said Mike. "And they don't know what causes it?"
"Whatever it is," said Twilight, "it's completely unlike anything else in Equestria. Victims don't seem to have anything in common either. One day they're perfectly normal, and the next, the opposite. And then..." She shuddered, and so did I.
"Okay," I said. "Change of subject before this conversation goes Cupcakes on us."
"Cupcakes?" Everypony's favorite party pony piped up from somewhere. "I love cupcakes! Hi, Dashie!" She popped up between Mike and Twilight in that inimitable Pinkie Pie way and waved at me.
"Hiya, Pinkie! Boy, is it good to see you!"
"It's good to see you too, Dashie! Even if you do look really weird right now!" Ah, Pinkie Pie, ever the shining example of tact. Of course, I'm not exactly one to talk about tact, which is probably why I'm not the bearer of the Element of Honesty. At least Applejack knows when to keep her yap shut.
"Hey!" Mike glared off to his right. "I do not look weird!"
"Well, you sure don't look like a pony!"
"Because I'm not a pony!"
"And that's really weird, because you sure look like a pony to me, New Rainbow Dash!"
Mike blinked. "I... but... what? "
"Anyway," Pinkie said, "I just came down here to check up on you because somepony made a Pinkie Pie Promise that he was going to come out and party after he was done helping Twilight!"
"Mike," Dave said, frowning. "Are you telling me that you're missing out on a Pinkie Pie Party?"
"Well, uh," Mike said, "this seemed more important?"
"Get your flank out there and party!" I snapped at him. "Wait. Twilight, how are you connected to us?"
"Well, first I used a basic scrying spell, but I had to layer that with some interdimensional stuff I found in one of Star Swirl the Bearded's journals, and then I had to tie that in with Mike's personal memories of his homeworld, coupled with the dimensional resonance his soul--"
"Woah! Ease up on the egghead talk, Twilight, you're giving me a headache!" I grinned to try to soften the blow of the "e" word. "I mean, I'm not a smart pony like you. What I mean to say is... can the spell be moved?"
"It's a scrying crystal," she replied. Then, when I failed to look enlightened by this, she sighed and rolled her eyes. "So, yes. Yes it can."
"Awesome! Bring on the Pinkie Party!"
"You want me to bring the scrying crystal outside? Where just anypony could--"
"Yes! I want to share the joy of a Jumbo Sized, Entire Town in Total Chaos, Princess Has To Send The Guard to Break It Up Pinkie Party with the Internet!"
"With the what now?"
"Internet," I said. "We're gonna rock this town across two dimensions! Pinkie! Tell me you kept Vinyl Scratch's contact info!"
Pinkie grinned. "She's all done setting up and just waiting for the guest of honor to come out so we can kick this party into gear!"
"Rock on! Let's pony up this motherbucker!"
Twilight gasped. "Rainbow Dash! Language!"
Mike, on the other hoof, fell over laughing. "Motherbucker!" he gasped out between guffaws.
"In the meantime," I said, "Dave, you're the resident egghead on this side of the dimensional rift. How the heck are we gonna get other bronies in on this video whatchamacallit?"
"I... I don't know," he said after a moment. "I don't have any bronies on Skype."
I glared at him. "What."
