CMC Alcoholics 2: Next Stop, Canterlot!

by zaponator

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 7451

Our three heroes go on a trip to Canterlot to visit Sweetie Belle's family. While there, they discover that even Canterlot ponies can have a stash of delicious cider. What could possibly go wrong?

The Cutie Mark Crusaders have been invited to Canterlot to visit Sweetie Belle and Rarity's family. Soon they'll find out that Applejack is not the only one with a secret stash of their new favourite drink. After their previous experience with hard cider, the three fillies are pretty sure they can handle anything. What could possibly go wrong?

In case you didn't know, I wrote this entire thing while drunk. Expect shenanigans.

Reading the first Cutie Mark Crusader Alcoholics is not required. This story is completely stand-alone. Though it does reference the events of the previous story.

Published 2012-12-17 14:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-17 14:50:01 UTC

That Escalated Quickly

Applebloom slowly regained consciousness on the hard floor of the clubhouse. The night before had been the crusaders’ first experience with alcohol, which they had plundered from Applejack’s secret cider stash, and what an experience it was. Applebloom’s memory was a bit fuzzy, but she was pretty sure it involved wandering drunkenly through the streets of Ponyville, destroying the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner in an all out brawl, and finally smashing the front window of the Carousel Boutique with a bag of empty cider bottles, before returning to the club house in the wee hours of the morning to go to sleep.

At some time during the night she had apparently migrated out of her sleeping bag, and was feeling incredibly stiff as a result of sleeping on the wooden floor. She was pretty sure there was something wrong too, as her head wouldn’t stop pounding incessantly. She decided to open her eyes to see if anything had fallen on her head while she slept. This was a huge mistake.

“Ahh!” The yellow earth pony hissed as the horrible orb of pure evil floating in the late morning sky assaulted her with its shining rays. Her headache was impeding her thought process a bit, so she could be forgiven for the conclusion she came to.

“Girls, wake up! Celestia’s turned evil and starting using the sun as a weapon!”

Sweetie Belle—who was also on the floor—was the first to wake up, immediately covering her ears with her hooves. “Applebloom, please be quiet. My head is killing me.” She was smart enough to shield her eyes from Celestia’s malicious death ball as she opened them, Applebloom doing the same moments later.

They both turned their heads simultaneously at the sound of a groan from across the clubhouse. Scootaloo had somehow managed to stay in her sleeping bad all night, despite being the only one of them never quite able to figure sleeping bags out in the past.

When Scootaloo finally sat up and opened her eyes, she yelped and slammed them shut again.

“Oh yeah, watch out for the sun,” Applebloom half-heartedly warned with a wave of the forehoof not shielding her eyes.

Scootaloo glared at her for a moment before shouting, “Thanks a lo—“

She cut off with a wince matching the other crusaders’ as her loud outburst hurt even her own head.

"No shouting." Applebloom whined quietly. "As a matter of fact, why don’t we all just stick to whispering for the rest of the day?"

The other crusaders nodded in agreement, wincing again as the jerking motion of their heads brought on more pain. After a few silent moments of them all rubbing their temples, Sweetie Belle quietly spoke up.

“Hey girls… Was it worth it?”

Scootaloo and Applebloom looked at each other in silent communication for a moment, sharing a minuscule nod of understanding they turned to their unicorn friend and spoke in unison.

“Absolutely.”

It had been three weeks since that morning. Eventually, the crusaders had figured out that Celestia was not actually trying to kill them, it was just a side effect of all the alcohol they had consumed the night previous. Luckily, nopony had paid any attention to the extremely hung over fillies, as everypony had been far too busy investigating the vandalism spree that the crusaders had wreaked while under the influence. Nopony had ever been found guilty of the destruction, and the girls had a perfect alibi in their sleepover at the clubhouse. Not that anypony had even suspected the three innocent fillies as the cause of the wanton destruction wrought upon the town.

Now, three weeks later, Sweetie Belle had been told by Rarity that an important event was coming up, but Rarity wanted the reveal to be a surprise. So it was that our three heroes found themselves in the Carousel Boutique—the room being far darker than usual as a result of the piece of plywood replacing one of the front windows—waiting for Rarity to arrive with the news.

After what felt like several eternities of waiting, a refined voice drifted down from the stair case leading to the second floor.

“Oh Sweetie, I have some wonderful news.” The next moment a shining white unicorn joined the fillies on the ground floor, her expertly coiffed purple mane almost seeming to glisten even in the low lighting.

“Finally,” Scootaloo muttered under her breath, quite frustrated at having had to wait this long.

Rarity shot a glance at the rude pegasus, and cleared her throat before speaking. “Yes well, I think you’ll all find what I’m about to share very exciting.” Rarity began grinning ear to ear as she continued. “Sweetie, you remember our cousin Joneigh?”

Sweetie thought for a moment. “Joneigh Epstein, right? The lawyer?”

Rarity smiled proudly. “That’s right. Well, he’s invited the whole family to spend Haynukkah at his mansion in Canterlot! You can even bring you friends if you like.” The fashionista’s eyes glassed over as she day-dreamed of what the next few days would bring. “Just think, we’re going to Canterlot for days. And we’ll be hobnobbing with wealthy lawyers and doctors the whole time! Oh I do love visiting our Canterlot family.”

Sweetie looked at each of her friends with an embarrased blush on her face. Applebloom spoke first, followed shortly by Scootaloo.

“Y’all have kin in Canterlot?!”

“You’re Jewish?!”

A few hours later, the crusaders were helping Sweetie Belle pack, the unicorn being the last one to get ready. The other two crusaders had made sure they were allowed to go of course. Applebloom had little trouble convincing Applejack to let her go once she pointed out that it meant her and Rainbow Dash would essentially have the house to themselves. Scootaloo had an even easier time, mostly because there was nopony to care where she went.

“Why didn’t y’all tell us your family celebrated Haynukkah Sweetie Belle?” Applebloom inquired.

“Well, at first I thought Scootaloo would murder me if she found out.” Sweetie Belle responded meekly.

Scootaloo looked offended. “What?! Why would I murder you for being Jewish?”

“Well, you are a member of that cult. Isn’t that what cults do?” Sweetie reasoned.

“Hey! The Rainbow Dash fan club is not a cult,” Scootaloo huffed.

“Didn’t y’all construct a wooden effigy of Rainbow and cover it with her hair stolen from the trash of her favorite barber?” Applebloom asked skeptically.

“Well… yeah, but that doesn’t make us a cult.”

Applebloom wasn’t finished though. “And then didn’t you and the rest of your ‘fan club’ burn the effigy in a cleansing fire while chanting dark prayers to gain the favor of ‘The Great Rainbow’?”

“Sure, but that’s not too weird.”

“Fine, but didn’t y’all then consume the ashes of the effigy mixed with lamb’s blood in an attempt to gain Rainbow Dash’s power?”

Scootaloo stared straight ahead for a moment, a blank expression on her face. Finally she groaned and covered her face with her forehooves. “I started a cult didn’t I?”

Sweetie Belle decided to rejoin the conversation, “Technically yes, but look on the bright side…” Scootaloo looked up from her moping with a hopeful expression. Sweetie Belle thought long and hard, but was unable to see a silver lining anywhere. “Yeah, there’s really no bright side to this situation. As a matter of fact, the ‘fan club’ is probably only going to get worse and worse. It’s only a matter of time before the killings start.”

“Look, we can worry about Scootaloo’s cult becoming murderers later. Right now we’ve got a trip to Canterlot to prepare for," Applebloom proclaimed, causing all three fillies to brighten considerably.

They quickly returned to their packing with renewed gusto. All of them growing more and more excited for the amazing time they were sure to have in Canterlot.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders were bored. Despite what Rarity had said, Canterlot had not been exciting at all. They had arrived in the capital city in the early evening, and shortly thereafter they had gone over to Sweetie’s cousin’s house, ever since arriving at the so called party they had done nothing but sit bored in a corner while the adults talked about ‘finances’, and other equally boring things.

Eventually they decided enough was enough, and began looking for some way to have a bit of fun. Sweetie’s cousin was apparently a big-shot lawyer, and as a result he had an extremely large house. The three rambunctious fillies quickly decided that exploring the mansion could provide a great deal of fun.

Eventually, after a couple hours, and one extremely interesting experience involving a magical wardrobe in an upstairs room, they found themselves entering the basement.

“I’m telling you, there’s nothing fun in basements.” Scootaloo whined as they descended the stairs. “I’ve been locked in the basement of the orphanage plenty of times, it’s nothing but darkness and loneliness.”

Applebloom glanced sideways at Scootaloo. “This is different, this is a rich pony’s basement. Who knows what kind of treasures await us!”

“Besides,” Sweetie Belle added, “it’s better than being stuck up there with a bunch of boring adults.”

Scootaloo grumbled as they began to explore, but she followed nonetheless. After a couple of minutes, the three fillies came across a hatch in the floor. It was secured by a combination lock however, so it seemed they would have no way of finding out what was inside.

“Wait a minute,” Applebloom said. “I have an idea.”

With that she grabbed the combination lock, and began inputting numbers, calling them out as she did.

“One… Two… Three… Four… Five!”

As she put in the last number, the lock popped open.

“That’s amazing!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed with an adorable voice crack. “I’ve got the same combination on my luggage!”

Applebloom ignored her unicorn friend’s non-sequitur in favour of opening the hatch. As soon as the crusaders saw what was stored in underneath the locked trapdoor, all of their faces lit up immensely. Dozens of cases of their new favourite drink lay enticingly at the bottom of the alcove that had previously been secured by the hatch.

In a matter of seconds the girls reached a silent agreement, and pulled three cases of the hard apple cider out from the stash. Scootaloo wasted no time, quickly opening a bottle from her case and taking a large swig.

The orange filly sighed happily after her drink. “That’s the stuff.” She grinned mischievously at the other two crusaders who had just opened their first bottles. “Girls, I think this night just got a whole lot more interesting.”

With that the three fillies clinked their bottles together, and all took a large drink. The first of many in what would prove to be one of the craziest nights of their lives.

About an hour later, all three fillies were down to their last bottle, and they were feeling the effects. Scootaloo was laying on her back attempting to balance an empty bottle on her forehead, hissing in frustration every time it fell to the floor. Applebloom was simply staring at Scootaloo while leaning forward slightly, completely engrossed in the feat of balance going on before her.

Sweetie Belle was the one to break the silence. “We should go outside.”

Applebloom blinked and turned to face Sweetie. “What? Why?”

Sweetie’s response was quick. “Because if we get caught with all these drinks we’ll get in big trouble. We should leave before somepony catches us drinking cousin Epstein’s stash.”

This logic made perfect sense to Applebloom’s inebriated mind, so she quickly agreed.

“Alright, let’s go. You comin’ Scoots?”

The orange Pegasus jolted at Applebloom’s question, causing the bottle she had finally managed to balance on her forehead to clatter across the floor. “Wha? Huh? Sure, whatever you say Applebloom.”

With that, the crusaders left the basement, each bringing their last bottle of cider. The party was still in full swing upstairs, but it wasn’t very hard to sneak by. In no time at all the fillies had made their escape to the streets of Canterlot.

As they emerged into the cool night air, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo looked around, noticing that Applebloom was not with them. After a couple of minutes, just as they were about to head back inside, the yellow filly appeared from the house.

“What took you so long?” Scootaloo demanded.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” Applebloom replied. “Had a bit of trouble with the stairs.”

“Alright… What now?” Scootaloo asked now that they were all outside.

Scootaloo and Applebloom both looked to Sweetie Belle for an answer, as it had been her suggestion that they go outside in the first place.

Sweetie Belle quailed under the combined stares of her compatriots, and quickly made something up. “Uh… We should get far away from the house, to decrease our chances of discovery.”

Applebloom stared off into space for a moment, looking like she was trying to remember something, before shaking her head. “Sounds good to me,” the farm filly declared.

The others both nodded in agreement. Scootaloo quickly took charge. “Follow me, I know the way!” The pegasus filly shouted before galloping off down a random street. Sweetie and Applebloom scrambled to follow their reckless friend. Applebloom giggled as she gave chase, feeling the strangest sense of déjà vu. Before long, they found themselves in an unfamiliar part of town.

As Scootaloo slowed to catch her breath, Applebloom approached her. “So where are we exaclty?”

Scootaloo looked at the earth pony blankly. “I have no idea.”

Applebloom drew back in shock, quickly transitioning to anger. “What do ya mean you have no idea?! You said you knew the way!”

Scootaloo chuckled and put a foreleg across Applebloom’s shoulders. “I say a lot of things, most of them aren’t even remotely true.”

By now Sweetie Belle had finally regained her breath, and decided to bring up an important point. “So what do we do now?”

Before either of the other two crusaders had a chance to answer a gravelly voice spoke up from a nearby alley. “Well well well, what do we have here?”

The crusaders all turned to see a smelly scraggly stallion slink slowly from the side-street.

The stallion stopped a few feet away from them, and addressed Scootaloo. “Would you mind sharing that drink you have there? I’m…” He licked his lips. “awfully thirsty you see.”

Scootaloo stared hard at the strange stallion, but saw no problem with him, so despite the furiously shaking heads of her friends, she approached him and offered him the bottle, smiling brightly.

“Here you are, friend. I’m always glad to help a pony in need.”

He eagerly accepted the bottle and took a small sip, but when Scootaloo reached to get the bottle back, he pulled away.

“Hey!” Scootaloo said in an angry voice. “Give me back my drink! I need that for drinking, and drink related activities.”

The stallion paused for a moment as if considering something, then took off in a full gallop away from the crusaders, stuffing the bottle in his coat pocket. For a moment Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were too stunned to move, but Scootaloo wasted no time in pursuing the cider thief.

She chased him down the street, quickly leaving the other crusaders behind. The stallion leapt on top of some crates, and vaulted on to the roof of a building. Not one to be outdone, Scootaloo used her tiny wings to provide a small boost to her jump, circumventing the boxes altogether, and landing atop the roof barely behind her quarry.

They ran across the roof at full speed, quickly coming to the edge. When he ran out of roof the stallion made a flying leap, landing on the roof of the next building. Scootaloo pushed herself as hard as she could and jumped with all her might, barely making the next roof, but still gaining on the stallion sightly. Next, the stallion turned a hard right, skidding across the roof tiles. He bounded over a short gap and ended up in a tall building still under construction, the orange filly hot on his tail.

“So d’ya think Scootaloo is okay? What with that strange stallion and all?” Applebloom asked as the other two crusaders calmly crossed another intersection, walking at a relaxed pace in the general direction Scootaloo had run off in.

Sweetie Belle though for a moment before responding. “Well, I really don’t know. She could actually be dead, but that would be such a big deal, not like if one of us died.”

Applebloom chuckled. “Yeah, I guess.”

They walked in silence for another minute before Applebloom suddenly burst into a song to lighten the mood.

“My name is Applebloom, and I am here to say.”

Phantom instruments could be heard providing accompaniment as Sweetie Belle joined in. The two fillies singing in harmony.

“I’m here to make you smile, and I will brighten up your day.”

As the two fillies bounced down the street in song, a small crowd of grungy homeless ponies wandered out of nearby alley ways and began forming a crowd behind them, moving in sync with the song.

“It doesn’t matter now, if you are sad or blue.”

Several of the hobos launched into a grand dance number.

“‘Cause cheering up my friends is just what ‘Bloom is here to do.”

Suddenly, the music cut off as Sweetie Belle stopped and turned to Applebloom. All the assembled ponies stopped their dancing and blinked in confusion, before crawling back into whatever hole they had emerged from, having gone completely unnoticed by the two fillies.

“Have you ever wondered why that happens? With the music?” Sweetie Belle asked with a tilt of her head.

Applebloom responded quickly with a shake of her head. “Don’t question these things Sweetie Belle. I had a cousin who tried to ask Celestia where the music comes from.” She paused. “Like I said, I had a cousin.”

Sweetie Belle nodded simply. “Alright.”

As the other crusaders were fooling around with the wonders of spontaneous inexplicable musical accompaniment, Scootaloo was still chasing down the cider thief. The stallion ran up a half-finished staircase with the orange pegasus just behind him. Up and up they raced, until finally the stallion clambered up one last ladder, leading to the very top of the half-done building.

Scootaloo skidded to a stop before heading up. She knew he would never relinquish the pilfered beverage willingly, so she looked around for something to convince him. Spotting a decent sized hammer, she gripped it in a forehoof and began climbing the ladder. Hammers had a tendency to be very convincing when used correctly.

As she emerged onto the roof, a large piece of concrete sailed past her head, smashing into a pile of lumber behind her. Scootaloo whipped around to get a look at her assailant. Across the rooftop stood the stallion, the bottle sticking out of his scraggly coat pocket. He was hefting another large chunk of concrete in a forehoof.

“I did that on purpose,” the stallion said calmly. “I don’t have to miss.”

Scootaloo stood in a ready stance, her hammer held in front of her. “I believe you.” She paused for a moment when the stallion made no move to take her head off with the rock. “So what happens now?”

The stallion smiled. “We face each other as Celestia intended, sportsponylike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.”

Scootloo nodded in understanding. “You mean, you’ll put down your rock and I’ll put down my hammer, and we’ll try and kill each other like civilized ponies?”

The stallion brandished his rock. “I could kill you now.”

Scootaloo slowly lowered her hammer, placing it on the floor next to her. Now that she got a good look at the pony before her, she realized that he was big, about the size of Big Macintosh, and all muscle. “Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hoof fighting.”

The stallion chuckled as he tossed the large rock over his shoulder casually. “It’s not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don’t even exercise.”

Scootaloo smirked. After being beat up many times by the head mare at the orphanage, and the other foals at the orphanage, and sometimes even Rainbow Dash when Scootaloo bothered her too much... Actually thinking about it, she realized that she got beat up on a lot. The point of her thought process was, with all her fighting experience she expected no trouble against some homeless pony.

Scootaloo ran at the stallion at full speed, slamming into his chest with a vicious tackle. He didn’t move an inch. Rubbing her now sore shoulder, Scootaloo took a few steps back before trying again. This time, she wrapped her forelegs around his chest in an attempt to grapple him to the ground. Once again he just stood perfectly still, not attacking at all while Scootaloo strained herself trying to move him.

Eventually, the orange filly backed off again. “Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?”

The stallion responding in a consoling tone. “I just want you to feel you’re doing well. I hate for ponies to die embarrassed.”

With that statement, the stallion finally made his move, lashing out with a right hook that would end the fight—and Scootaloo’s life—in a single blow if it connected. Scootaloo rolled forward, under the punch and between his legs, rising to her hooves behind him.

The stallion spun to face his opponent, surprised by the little filly’s fighting prowess. “You’re quick.”

Scootaloo smirked. “Good thing, too.” She moved her head to the side to dodge a punch, ducking under the next one before leaping past the stallion onto a stack of crates behind him. Before the stallion had a chance to turn around, Sctootaloo jumped from the crates onto his back, wrapping her forelegs around his throat. The stallion reared up, trying to throw the small pegasus from his back, but she held tight.

Scootaloo winced as the stallion slammed his back against a wall, nearly causing her to lose her grip. They were getting dangerously close to the edge now, and the stallion was beginning to pass out. Just before losing consciousness, he stumbled forward, sending both ponies plummeting toward the cobblestone five stories below them.

Meanwhile, Sweetie Belle and Applebloom were still walking nonchalantly down the street, having seen no sign of their orange friend.

“Hey,” Sweetie said.

“Yeah?” Applebloom replied.

“You ever wonder why we’re here?”

Applebloom thought for a short moment before responding. “It’s one of life’s great mysteries isn’t it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a creator watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff.” She shook her head. “I don’t know, but it keeps me up at night.”

Sweetie Belle blinked. “What? I just meant why are we out here looking for Scootaloo, when she’s probably dead and we could be off having fun.”

Applebloom stumbled for a moment. “Oh. Uh… yeah.”

“What was all that stuff about a creator?” The unicorn queried.

“Hm? Uh, nothing.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

Before either of the fillies could continue the conversation, they were interrupted by the sound of a meaty thud combined with a sickening crunch echoing down the street from a few feet in front of them. They looked up to see Scootaloo standing triumphantly atop the body of the pony that had stolen her drink earlier, apparently both having fallen from the roof of a nearby building. Luckily the other pony had landed on the bottom, leaving Scootaloo essentially unscathed.

“Looks like he finally…” Scootaloo put on a pair of wicked shades from somewhere. “Hit rock bottom.”

The pegasus snatched the bottle from the pocket of the lifeless stallion and took a large gulp, glancing to the side and just noticing her two friends. “Hey girls. Fancy meeting you here.”

The other fillies stared in shock for a few moments, Applebloom regaining her voice first. “Scootaloo, I’m pretty sure you killed a hobo.”

Scootaloo blinked and looked at the unmoving pony beneath her as if noticing him for the first time. “Heh, would ya look at that. I guess I did.” She chuckled a bit before hopping off of the stallion’s body and on to the street.

“Yeah,” Sweetie Belle started, “we should leave before some guards show up.”

Applebloom and Scootaloo just stared at her for a moment before they heard gruff voices in the distance getting closer, causing both of them to glare at their unicorn friend.

“Well thanks a lot Sweetie Belle, you just had to jinx it didn’t you?” Scootaloo stated angrily. “That was almost as bad as saying ‘what could possibly go wrong?’”

With that dreaded statement, several guard ponies emerged up the street from the crusaders. The fillies quickly took off in the opposite direction, weaving through alley ways and running just to be anywhere but there. After a couple minutes of fleeing, they were able to evade any guards in the area. Eventually they were left walking alone down an empty street. The sounds of shouting guard ponies having faded into the distance.

“So Scootaloo, do ya feel any different being a murderer?” Applebloom asked.

Scootaloo shook her head. “Not really.” She shrugged. “Before my dad died, he was always going on about how I killed my mom. I don’t remember doing it, but I never did see her so I must've done it somehow. I guess technically I was always a murderer.”

Applebloom nodded her head. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

Before they could continue their conversation a pair of guard ponies emerged from around a corner a few blocks ahead. The crusaders panicked and ran to the nearest building, a donut shop by the name of Donut Joe’s. Finding the door locked, Sweetie Belle used her now empty bottle to smash the window and all three fillies jumped in.

The crusaders waited for the guards for several minutes, but nopony ever came by. Apparently the guards had turned off onto another street. Since they were in a donut shop already, the three fillies decided to grab a couple of the delectable treats. They each retrieved some of their favorite flavor before jumping back out the broken window.

As they left, Scootaloo and Applebloom noticed Sweetie Belle had stayed in the donut shop. Looking through the window, they spotted her through the open door to the kitchen standing on a stool in front of the gas stove, messing with the dials.

"Sweetie," Scootaloo hissed. "Come on, we’re leaving."

The white unicorn hopped down from the stool and left to join her friends outside, closing the door to the kitchen behind her, completely oblivious to the fact that she had just left the gas on.

As they walked up the street, they realized that the royal palace was situated at the end of the road they were on. As they realized this, they all shared a look, Scootaloo speaking what they were all thinking.

“We should totally go prank the princesses.”

The other crusaders grinned and nodded enthusiastically. All three quickly scarfed down their donuts and broke into a gallop toward the royal palace, despite having no idea what they would actually do for a prank once they got there.

Three young fillies snuck past the guards at the main gate of Canterlot castle. Equestrian guards were surprisingly bad at their jobs, mostly because the crime rate in Equestria was virtually nonexistent. Before they knew it, the crusaders were inside the castle itself, having easily avoided detection by every guard along the way.

“Is it just me, or were those guards really bad?” Scootaloo asked quietely.

The other crusaders both nodded their heads, before Applebloom gestured down the hall way towards a black metal door with a large silver moon on it. The three fillies stealthily crept up to the door, glancing down the hall in both directions for guards and slipping quietly into the room when they saw the coast was clear.

When they entered the room they could see a large bed in the center with a dark blue alicorn sleeping on her back, covered by a single expertly crafted quilt. Sweetie was about to ask what they could possibly do for a prank when Scootaloo suddenly moved toward the bed.

The small orange filly leapt up onto the bed, landing on Princess Luna’s chest. The other crusaders stood still, awaiting the surely hilarious scare the Night Princess was about to receive.

“Hey princess!” Scootaloo shouted into the dark Alicorn’s face. Nothing happened. Luna didn’t even stir in her sleep. Frustrated by the Princess of The Night’s lack of a reaction, Scootaloo lifted a forehoof and punched the Alicorn in the face as hard as she could. This finally gained a reaction, but not the one anypony wanted.

Princess Luna jolted awake, reflexively igniting her horn. “DIE HEATHEN!” She screamed, blasting Scootaloo off of her chest. The small pegasus sailed across the room at incredible speeds, impacting the wall with a loud splat. In the blink of an eye the orange filly had been reduced to a large red stain on Princess Luna’s bedroom wall.

The other crusaders stared at the gruesome scene with their mouths hanging open, small splashes of Scootaloo’s blood sticking to their coats. After a moment, Luna spoke slowly.

“I have a feeling I’ve made a terrible mistake.” She looked around the room, quickly spotting the other fillies. “Small ones, I demand an explanation, what is going on here?!”

The remaining crusaders paid her no attention, instead turning tail and fleeing the room as fast as their legs could carry them. They ran through the halls of the palace, turning corners at random, eventually stopping in a mostly empty storage closet—about the size of a normal pony’s bedroom—panting for breath.

Sweetie Belle looked around nervously. “I think we lost her”

Applebloom nodded. “Yeah. Look, tonight’s gone real bad, we should just head back to the party and forget this ever happened. Nopony will notice Scootaloo's absence anyway, we can just never mention her again and we’ll be fine.”

Just as Sweetie Belle was about to nod in agreement, she suddenly expanded violently like an overfilled beach ball, exploding in a cloud of gore, covering the room and it’s earth pony inhabitant with bits of unicorn, and leaving a slightly disoriented Princess Luna in her place post-teleport.

“Have no fear little ponies, I mean you no…” Luna looked around, noticing the pieces of Sweetie Belle stuck to the walls and ceiling, she sighed heavily. “I teleported into one of you didn’t I?” Applebloom nodded numbly. “Oh come on!” Luna shouted. “I just got back from the the moon and I’ve already killed two fillies. Celestia is going to be perturbed by this, I just know it. I’ll be getting an earful at the dinner table, there’s no way to avoid that at this point.” She glanced around the room suspiciously. “Wait… Nopony else has seen you in the castle… Meaning that you are the only witness.”

Applebloom reacted just in time, leaping to the side just as a bolt of lightning shot from Luna’s horn, blasting a small crater in the wall. She rolled past another bolt, and ducked under a third.

Luna groaned in exasperation. “Tiny pony, you will obey your princess. Hold still so I can kill you.”

Needing no further encouragement, Applebloom turned and ran out of the room. She ran down a hallway as fast as she possibly could, but no amount speed could outrun magic, and Luna only proved this by teleporting directly in front of Applebloom, causing her to skid to a halt as Luna blocked the only door. As the Princess of The Night charged a powerful lightning bolt in her horn, Applebloom took her only option. She turned sharp left and smashed through a nearby window, tumbling to a stop in the streets of Canterlot.

Luna calmly hovered to a stop on the cobblestone ahead of Applebloom. “‘Twas a courageous attempt young one, but your fate was inevitable. I would rather not have my sister bothering me about killing ponies like it’s some big deal, so that means destroying all witnesses. Don’t worry, this won’t hurt… much.”

Luna’s horn glowed brighter as she charged a powerful bolt spell. Applebloom cowered in the street, prepared for the end. Before Luna could release her spell, there was a blinding flash from down the street and a strange four-wheeled vehicle appeared out of thin air, travelling at a fast speed and leaving flame marks where its wheels touched the ground. The strange vehicle plowed into Luna, sending her flying through the air and smashing through the front wall a certain donut shop. As the Night Princess plowed through the walls of the bakery and into the gas-filled kitchen, her horn released a spark.

Applebloom was forced to cover her eyes and fold back her ears as the night was temporarily turned to day by the massive explosion that erupted from where Donut Joe’s had stood a moment before. The shockwave shattered windows across the entire block, and the fireball reached 50 feet into the air, completely disintegrating the donut shop.

The yellow farm filly stared at the strange metal vehicle that had saved her, completely awestruck by its angular, futuristic design. After a few moments of staring, the doors opened on either side, rising into the air like a pegasus’ wings. Two tall bipedal creatures climbed out, one looking far older than the other with a white lab coat, shock of equally white hair atop its head, the other one wearing a strange orange vest, and having brown hair. Neither of the creatures appeared to have hair anywhere except for their heads, though Applebloom couldn’t be sure, as they both had clothes covering most of their bodies. The older creature spoke first.

“Great Scott!” His voice was slightly gravelly. “Marty, I don’t think we’re in Hill Valley anymore."

The younger one, apparently named Marty responded after a moment. “Yeah Doc, I kinda guessed that. Think you can get us out of here?”

The one called Doc laughed. “Sure, it shouldn’t be overly difficult. We’ll need to find a way to generate the 1.21 Gigawatts needed to power the flux capacitor, but after that it’s a simple matter of trying again with similar settings and seeing wha—“

Whatever else the one called Doc was going to say was cut off by a flash and an explosion of blood and gore as he was struck by an incredibly powerful lightning bolt fired from the horn of an angry princess. Said princess could be seen approaching from the direction of the still burning ruins of the donut shop. Her mane and tail were aflame, and there were smaller fires burning at various points about her body, this combined with her glowing white, rage filled eyes made for one of the most badass things Applebloom had ever seen.

“You dare to strike me, the Princess of The Night?!” The furious demi-goddess shouted. “You shall all perish quickly. Expect no quarter, for none shall be given.”

By this point, Marty finally reacted to the fate of Doc, whose remains were now all over him and Applebloom, as well as the surrounding area. “Doc! No!” He fell to his knees. “Doc, you were my best friend. We’d been through so much togeth— Hey!” He cut off as he noticed the doors of his strange vehicle closing. Applebloom had finally managed to find the button that closed the doors, and she was quite proud of herself.

Marty started pounding on the window and demanding to be let in, but after a moment there was another flash of Luna’s horn and he was replaced with a cloud of red mist. Applebloom was starting to panic, knowing she was next she began flailing around the cab for anything that could save her. As Luna charged another lightning spell, Applebloom began flipping switches and adjusting dials, hoping something would make it go. Eventually she stumbled upon the accelerator on the floor of the vehicle. As soon as she figured out that it made the vehicle travel forward, she pressed down on it with all her might. The strange carriage roared to life and sped down the street, lacking the flaming tire tracks it had earlier. Luna took to the wing and gave chase, her spell nearly done charging.

The vehicle kept accelerating, and Applebloom noticed a digital counter increasing at the same rate as her speed. The counter showed 75, Luna’s horn glowed brighter. 82, Luna lined up her aim. 86, Luna swooped in close for the attack. Just as the counter turned over to 88, Luna unleashed the most powerful lightning attack she could muster, causing the vehicle to completely vanish in a blinding flash, leaving only flaming tire tracks in its place.

Luna smiled to herself. She had successfully covered up another one of her little mistakes. Sure three fillies and two alien creatures were dead because of her, along with Joe of Donut Joe’s, but what Celly didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. Happy with the day’s events, Luna hummed a little tune as she returned to her bedroom to sleep away the rest of the night.

Applebloom gasped as the vehicle popped back into existence. She had never figured out how to control the direction, and had to leap out of the strange carriage moments before it plunged over the edge of Canterlot mountain. She rolled to a stop in the street as a fiery explosion erupted miles below at the foot of the mountain.

Applebloom shakily stood up, just now realizing that she was covered in the blood and gore of her two best friends and an alien creature. As soon as she realized Princess Luna was nowhere to be seen, she washed herself off in a nearby fountain, she saw no sense in continuing to wear her friends. As soon as she finished cleaning up and shaking herself dry, the yellow filly began the walk back to Sweetie’s cousin’s house. She would probably have to explain that Sweetie was dead now, that was going to be tough. When she got to the mansion, she decided to head down to the basement and get a little liquid courage before confronting Sweetie’s family. Her one comfort was that nopony loved Scootaloo, so she wouldn’t have to explain the reckless filly’s death to anypony.

As she descended into the basement, she was greeted by the strangest sight she had ever seen. Strange enough to cause her to completely freeze up halfway down the stairs. There in the basement, she could see herself, along with a perfectly alive Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.

As she watched, Scootaloo said something that caused all three of the crusaders to clink their bottles together and take a large drink. Applebloom snuck down into the basement and hid in the shadows in the corner of the room, watching the scene unfold before her. She recognized the events from earlier that night. It didn’t take her long to deduce that the strange vehicle must have brought her back in time. This was her chance to save her friends’ lives, she would have to stop them from leaving to explore the city, but the only way to do that would be to replace her past self, so as not to arouse suspicion. She found a length of rope in a storage crate and called on Applejack’s rope lessons to tie one end into a noose. Applejack had always told her that rope lessons were better than a silly college education, but Applebloom had never believed her until that moment. Now fully prepared, she lay in the shadows and waited.

She waited until the girls and her past self all had only one bottle left, then she watched as Sweetie Belle convinced them to go outside, not knowing it would end in her and Scootaloo’s deaths. As the other two headed upstairs, Applebloom’s past-self lagged ever so slightly behind. Applebloom took advantage of this opportunity, leaping out of the shadows and onto the back of her past-self. Without giving her a chance to scream, Applebloom placed the noose around her past-neck, quickly throwing the other end of the rope over a ceiling beam and catching it when it came back down. She jumped off of her past-back, and with a mighty pull of the rope, lifted her past-self into the air several feet by her neck.

As her past-brain was slowly being deprived of much needed oxygen and blood flow, Applebloom tied the rope down to the handle of the floor hatch that had started this crazy night. Her grim task was nearly completed, all she had to do now was wait. When she finished tying the rope off, she sat down and looked at her past-face. On top of the expected look of confusion, past-Applebloom also had a questioning look in her eyes, as if she was demanding to know why she was being so cruelly taken out of the world.

"Now don’t give me that look," Applebloom scolded. "It needs to be this way. I need to save Sweetie Belle, even if that means killing somepony, even if that pony is a time paradox version of myself." She blinked as an afterthought occurred to her. "Oh yeah, I’d also like to save Scootaloo, but that’s not exactly vital. You know how it is."

Past-Applebloom shrugged her shoulders and nodded, conveying that she knew exactly what Applebloom meant.

This drew a little chuckle out of Applebloom. "Y’know, I like you. You and I," she gestured between them with a forehoof, "we could’ve been good friends under different circumstances. It’s a real shame I’m killing you."

Past-Applebloom merely shrugged again and gave a ‘well, what can you do?’ look.

Applebloom nodded, "Yeah, I guess that's just how things are sometimes." Clearing her throat, Applebloom spoke in a more business like tone. "Well, this has been fun and all, but I really do need to get going, you understand. So do ya think you’re getting close at all?"

The hanging filly seemed to consider for a moment, before nodding her head.

Applebloom clapped her forehooves together once. "Dandy!" She exclaimed with a smile. It only took another 45 seconds for the last bit of life to be drained from the small filly hung from the ceiling. As soon as she was positive her past-self was completely dead, Applebloom got the body down and hid it in a pickle barrel in the furthest corner of the room.

Dusting herself off, she grabbed the half-full bottle of cider her past-self had been drinking and took a sip. She headed up the stairs and out the front door, finding her friends alive and well waiting for her.

“What took you so long?” Scootaloo demanded.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” Applebloom replied. “Had a bit of trouble with the stairs.” Neither of her friends questioned her lie.

“Alright… What now?” Scootaloo asked now that they were all outside.

Scootaloo and Applebloom both looked to Sweetie Belle for an answer, as it had been her suggestion that they go outside in the first place.

Sweetie Belle quailed under the combined stares of her compatriots, and quickly made something up. “Uh… We should get far away from the house, to decrease our chances of discovery.”

Applebloom felt like she was forgetting something important, like she had to do something, but unbeknownst to her the time-jump had addled her brain, and she couldn't seem to remember anything before leaving house a moment ago. After a few moments of staring into space and thinking, nothing came to her, so she shook her head to clear it of the feeling of having something important to do, cheerily declaring, “Sounds good to me.”

The others both nodded in agreement. Scootaloo quickly took charge. “Follow me, I know the way!” The pegasus filly shouted before galloping off down a random street. Sweetie and Applebloom scrambled to follow their reckless friend. Applebloom giggled as she gave chase, feeling the strangest sense of déjà vu.

Author's Note

Well, here we are again.
It's always such a pleasure.
Anyway, this is just a standard message to say that I do not endorse underage drinking.
Also, in case you didn't already know, I conceived and wrote this entire story while drunk
That should explain this... thing.
I edited it while sober to remove as many errors as possible.