Equestria's Tourist Industry
Marehouse 13
Chapter One
Equestria's Tourist Industry
The sylvan peace of Whitetail Wood was shattered by purple lightning. Small woodland creatures ran for hiding places, peering out of bushes and knotholes in trees at the clearing where the disturbance was compounded. In the clearing, in the wake of the lightning bolt, two ponies were arguing.
"You just had to play with it, didn't you?" The maroon-hued unicorn mare shouted. Her bob-cut black and purple striped mane didn't quite obscure her brilliant violet eyes, but the tips of the hairs tickled her face. She blew it out of the way in frustration.
"Hey," her companion, a tan earth pony stallion with a close-cropped brown mane replied. "I didn't think the first thing I picked up would be the artifact, all right?"
The mare sighed. "Fine, fine. Artie's going to have a field day with this," she said.
The stallion frowned. "Myka's not going to be thrilled either," he admitted. "How 'bout we stop arguing about it and see if we can figure out how to get out of this situation, okay?"
"Fine," the mare agreed, looking around. "Well, apart from being turned into technicolor horses--"
"Ponies," the stallion corrected.
"Whatever. Anyway, it looks like we're in some kind of forest. Maybe. This all could be some kind of hallucination."
The stallion was fumbling at his saddlebags with a forehoof. Each attempt to reach caused him to turn slightly, until he was spinning in circles, his frustration getting worse with each moment. "You mean like with Beatrix Potter's tea set?" He shook his head, then resumed futilely groping at his saddlebag. "Doubt it. This all started with disappearances, remember?"
The mare simply sat down and stared at him. "Pete?"
Pete looked up at her. "Yeah, Claudia?"
"What are you doing?"
Secret Service/Warehouse Agent-turned-pony Pete Lattimer looked at his -- also ponified -- partner for this investigation. "Trying to get into this saddlebag and see what I've got on me," he said. "I feel naked without a Tesla."
Claudia frowned. "You're wearing a T-shirt," she pointed out. "I, on the other hand, am naked, unless you count the saddlebags."
"Don't sweat it, Claud," Pete said, resuming his futile effort to reach into his own saddlebags. "Ponies don't normally wear clothes at all."
"And yet," Claudia pointed out, "you're still wearing a T-shirt."
"I like this T-shirt," Pete said with a shrug. Finally, he gave up on reaching into his own saddlebag and motioned for Claudia to come closer. "C'mere, I want to check your saddlebags."
Claudia sighed, and trotted over to him. It didn't take him long at all to start rooting around in her bag. "Let' s see," he said. "Keys to the Prius... MP3 player... AHA!"
Pete reached deeper into the saddlebag to grab Claudia's custom mini Tesla gun. Hooves, unfortunately, are not grasping appendages. The lesson would have to wait, however, until consciousness returned to the surprised agent -- his hoof had depressed the trigger and discharged a low-power shot directly into his face at near point-blank range.
Applejack was relaxing in her apple cellar, taking advantage of the cool environment on a hot summer day, when she heard the sound of somepony trotting past in something of a hurry. She was unsurprised, but curious, to find her intellectual friend Twilight Sparkle heading past the farm. "Hay," she called out. "What's up, Twi?"
Twilight Sparkle smiled, changing course to meet Applejack by the entrance to the cellar. "Hey, Applejack. There was another purple lightning bolt in Whitetail Wood," she said. "If I hurry, I might be able to find the spot it keeps striking, so we can put up signs or something."
"'Nother tourist, huh?" Applejack grinned. "Hol' on a second, there, Sugarcube. Ah reckon ya best not go meetin' 'em alone."
"I'll be fine, Applejack," Twilight protested. "Besides, I'm sure you've got plenty of work to do on the farm."
"Naw," the orange earth pony said with a dismissive wave of her hoof. "Ah'm actually done fer the day. Ah wuz just down in th' cellar ta cool off a mite. 'Sides, y'all know that not everypony who shows up after that lightnin's been the friendly sort."
"Oh, come on," the unicorn replied. "They all come around eventually." Still, that unicorn colt a few weeks back had both a talent and a predilection for pyrokinesis, and had been quite the hoof-full. It'd taken a first-hoof view of just what his so-called "little pranks" did to those whose property he destroyed to turn him around. If the Cutie Mark Crusaders had actually been in their clubhouse... Twilight shuddered. "On the other hoof," she said, "you're probably right."
"Leastways it's always been foals," Applejack pointed out. "Ah hate ta think what a full grown troublemaker could git up to."
Marehouse 13
Steep Learning Curve
Claudia frowned. "You know," she told the unconscious Agent Lattimer, "you really could have thought this through." She looked around the clearing for some water to splash him with. It might not be very effective at waking him up, but it would give her something to do besides trying to slap him awake with her hooves, as tempting as that may have been.
As she craned her neck, looking around, her ears twitched. Is that...? She started walking towards the sound that had triggered the reaction, trying to identify it. Yes! Running water!
The stream wasn't far at all, but presented a whole new problem. Okay, Claudia, how are you going to scoop up water in your hooves? The maroon unicorn's horn began to glow as she pondered the problem. While she considered her limited options, a small orb of water, about eight inches across, separated itself from the stream and floated over to her.
Behind her, Pete groaned. As she turned to check on him, she found herself face-to-rippling-surface with the floating water. She stared at it, finally becoming aware of a strange tugging sensation in her forehead. The sensation was somehow connected to the orb, she realized. Experimentally, she concentrated on raising the water higher.
A native Equestrian unicorn could have warned her not to use too much effort. An experienced, educated unicorn could have told her the expected consequences of essentially using all her strength to direct something upwards. Without that information, Claudia was doomed to make a classic blunder many burgeoning magic users are wont to make. She and Pete would later -- not much later, as it happens -- come to be extremely grateful she'd made the mistake with water instead of, say, a rock.
"Ugh," grunted Pete again, dragging himself to his hooves. Claudia gave up searching the sky for the vanished water orb and trotted over to him. He gaped at her, blinking as though to clear his vision. "Claudia?"
She sighed. "Yeah, Pete, it's me."
"Okay... You're... you're a pony." He shook his head. "Why are you a pony? And why do I hurt all over like I've been Tesla'd?"
Claudia smirked at the supposedly more experienced agent. "A) Because somebody who shall remain Pete decided to start playing with toys when you knew one of them was an artifact, and B) because you've been Tesla'd."
Pete winced. "Who shot me? Did we get 'em?"
"You shot yourself, Pete," said Claudia. "So I guess we did get 'em, huh? I don't know what possessed you to try picking my Tesla up with a hoof of all things, but you set it off while you were trying to get it out of my bag. Lucky for you I keep it set at the lowest possible setting." Claudia shuddered at the thought of what could have happened.
"Well, before that, I don't suppose either of us figured out where exactly the artifact sent us?"
* * * * *
"Whoa," Twilight called out. "We're off course." As she veered to the right, and Applejack followed, the earth pony frowned.
"Y'all ain't exactly the most trail wise o' ponies, Twi. Are ya sure?"
Twilight Sparkle nodded matter-of-factly. "Definitely, Applejack. I may not know these woods as well as you, but you didn't feel the massive surge of magic that just happened this way."
Applejack trotted up alongside her friend. "Ya think we got another tourist so soon after the one we're lookin' fer?"
"No," Twilight said, taking a moment to levitate a map of the area into view and make notes on it as she talked. "What I felt was unicorn magic. My guess is whoever just came through was experimenting and put their all into some spell."
Applejack frowned. "That's bad, right?"
"Well, it could be, depending on the spell, but I think whatever it was was pretty simple. Levitation, most likely."
Applejack nodded, then stopped, holding out a hoof. "Whoa up a sec, Twi. Ah hear somepony' up ahead."
As she came to a stop, Twilight heard it too -- two pony voices talking: a stallion and a mare, and both adults.
"Well, can you describe the artifact? I don't remember picking it up," the stallion said.
"Because you Tesla'd yourself," the mare replied. "Which is to be expected from someone dense enough to start playing around when we're looking for an artifact. Artifacts are not toys, Pete."
"In my defense," the stallion replied, "I remember we were in the toy section of the thrift store, so this one probably was. Right?"
Twilight Sparkle frowned. The longer this went on, she realized, the more awkward it could become for them. She nodded to Applejack and stepped out into the clearing, coughing slightly to get the two ponies' attention. Applejack followed, just in time to see about a gallon of water fall out of the sky to drench the two newcomers.
* * * * *
Five minutes later, it became clear that everypony in that clearing had a completely different attitude about the situation. Twilight Sparkle looked on it as an opportunity to share the magic of friendship with somepony new, as that had proven true in the past. Applejack eyed the two fully-grown (and in the stallion's case, definitely handsome) ponies with suspicion. The new mare, Claudia, was clearly exasperated.
The stallion, who effusively introduced himself as Pete Lattimer, was a "tourist" pony of the type Twilight had begun to dread - a fan. She really didn't know how to take the knowledge that somewhere out there, complete strangers were watching her and her friends. It felt like an invasion of privacy. And they all wanted her and her friends to say some of the strangest things, it seemed.
"Lemme see if I got this straight," Applejack was saying. "Y'all work fer the government where y'all come from."
"Right," Claudia answered, with a roll of her eyes at Pete, who was just grinning at Twilight Sparkle oddly. "And we--"
"Y'all're lookin' fer some kinda dangerous magical artifact thingamajigger, and that's what sent y'all here?"
"Exactly, and we're really not supposed to interact with any of the locals while we're here."
"What?" Pete and Twilight Sparkle simultaneously turned to look at Claudia.
"What are you talking about, Claudia? How can we pass up an opportunity like this? I mean, Equestria! Ponyville!" Pete grinned and waved a hoof at the lavender unicorn. "Twilight Sparkle!"
"You are really starting to weird me out there, Pete."
"Creepy fan gushing aside," Twilight Sparkle interjected, "everypony else who's come here from your world has interacted with us. They stick around at least long enough to learn something about the magic of friendship before they leave Ponyville."
"The magic of friendship," Claudia repeated, deadpan. "You're serious about this."
"It's the most powerful force in the world," Twilight Sparkle said. "It's saved Equestria twice so far, and that's not counting the little day-to-day events that come up."
Claudia facehoofed, groaning in frustration. "Pete, back me up here."
"She's right," Pete said, finally shaking off his ecstatic mood and returning to the subject at hand. "We can't leave without at least visiting Ponyville."
"No," Claudia groaned again. "Back me up. You remember what Artie said when we got trapped in that pocket dimension. Protocols."
"Did we ever find out what those protocols were?"
"Well, I clearly remember not interacting with the locals being one of them."
"And how well did that work out?"
"I got kidnapped by a horror comic monster and we ended up getting involved in a cheap rip-off of I Am Legend -- the, uh, book. Not the movie," Claudia admitted.
"And?"
"And we found another artifact in that pocket dimension and saved that world from a genocidal madman."
"So... protocols?"
"We should ask Artie," Claudia said after a moment's consideration. After a bit of concentration, her horn began to glow a deep green color, and her Farnsworth communicator levitated out of her saddlebag.
"I'm impressed," Twilight Sparkle said with a grin. "It usually takes a lot more practice to learn that kind of control over unicorn magic."
"Yeah, well, I'm a fast learner," Claudia said before turning her attention to the device.
Marehouse 13
Anywhere on Earth
Author's Note: This fiction takes place during Season 3 of Warehouse 13, prior to the season finale.
There was an air of exasperation about the four ponies approaching Ponyville from White Tail Woods that day.
Twilight Sparkle frowned. Until this time, every newcomer to Ponyville who'd appeared after the purple lightning had been a foal in desperate need of the Magic of Friendship. These two, however, seemed to have friendship to spare. Not only that, they were clearly fully grown adults, and in trusted positions in their home world. This was just confusing. In addition, the stallion was a fan, which meant that the most offhoof remark led to delighted gushing from him - and exasperated groans from the mare.
Applejack glared at the new stallion and mare. It wasn't fair to say she didn't like them. In fact, she had the distinct feeling that, given time, she could grow to be friends with both. It didn't sit well with her that, based on what they'd said, a good part of their job seemed to involve lying. It also didn't help that the stallion was not only handsome and fit, but, based on the repeated attempts at small talk, an incorrigible flirt.
Claudia Donovan was irritated. Things were bad enough before she and Pete had been sent on this retrieval. Granted, she had been spending more and more of her time sequestered away in her own little corner of the Warehouse prior to that, and Artie had specifically stated that she needed "some time away from the office," but this was... it was too much. What had possessed Pete to start playing with toys when they were looking for an artifact? Well, granted, this was Pete Lattimer, but it was still a bad idea. And now they were stuck for who knew how long in the magical land of ponies. It just really was too much.
Pete Lattimer was only mildly irritated, mostly by the fact that no one else seemed to be having a good time. This was the best Artifact ever! Too bad he couldn't remember what it looked like. Still, here he was, trotting (trotting!) happily along beside Twilight Sparkle and Applejack, two of the best ponies a brony could ask to meet. But Twilight was showing signs of stress, which he knew could lead to disaster, Applejack was being less than trusting, and Claudia was bringing the whole group down even further. Something would have to be done. Desperate times called for desperate measures. And he knew just the pony to deal with the problem, and in precisely the style it needed to be done.
The only problem was getting away from the other three ponies. Applejack was watching the two of them like a hawk. One of the group vanishing would raise Twilight Sparkle's stress levels to unconscionable heights. And Claudia would not stop glaring at him, making escape an improbability at best. He casually glanced at her, taking note of her ponified appearance:
She was a typical unicorn pony mare. Her eyes matched the purple stripe in her black mane and tail, with her body being a slightly redder maroon in color. In point of fact, she looked more like a recoloring of Twilight Sparkle than anything else, which gave him ideas for silly pranks that could wait until he got her to play along. She had, he noted, a cutie mark consisting of a grey box with a black rectangle in the middle of it. The black rectangle had rounded corners, and was covered with a series of ones and zeroes in old-fashioned CRT green. As he looked at her, the pattern of digits on her flank changed from:
01010100
01010010
01001111
01010100
to:
01010111
01001000
01000001
01010100
As he marveled at this - a magically changing cutie mark! - she stopped and glared at him even more than she already had been. "What?"
He realized he'd been staring. "I, um, what?"
"You're staring."
"No I'm not," he lied. To his chagrin, he found his eyes darting back and forth, and his mouth pursing oddly. As he struggled to school his expression back to genuine-seeming nonchalance, he realized just exactly what face he'd been making. "It's just... well... you're a pony now."
"Yes," said Claudia, waiting for Pete to get to the point. "And so are you."
"And that comes with certain... distinguishing characteristics."
"You lost me there, Pete."
"Unless I miss my guess," Twilight said, "he's talking about your Cutie Mark."
"My what now?"
"Your Cutie Mark," Pete said. "See, at some point in their lives, ponies have a kind of a eureka moment--"
"A gestalt," Twilight said.
"Bless you. Anyway, they figure out what makes them them, and when they do, it's memorialized for all time by a sort of magical tattoo on their flank."
"On their...?"
"Near their hip."
"Are you saying I have a tramp stamp?" Claudia craned her head to look, then smacked herself in the face with a hoof. "I have a computer monitor on my--"
"Hey now!"
"What's with all o' tha fancy mathematics on it, that's what Ah wanna know."
"Looks like some kind of binary code."
Pete and Claudia stared at the purple unicorn. "You know what binary code is?"
"Well, it's simple enough," Twilight said. "Binary is a numeric system consisting of nothing but ones and zeroes, which is all I see there. It looks like a random pattern, but there are four distinct groupings of eight digits, and before it changed, the first and last groupings repeated, which indicates a meaning beyond the literal numeric--"
"Quick, what were the numbers?"
"The first group was 84, 82, 79, and 84 again."
Claudia sat down, muttering numbers. "Let's see... subtract sixty-four, and... T... R... O... 'Trot'? Okay, what does it say now?"
"Oh, it's changed again... Let's see. 77, 65, 84 again, and 72. Let me guess: 'Math'?"
"What did it say before?"
"What."
"Before it changed to 'Math.'"
"What."
"After 'Trot.'"
"Look," interrupted Pete, "we can continue this 'Who's on First' routine, or I can simplify things so we can head back to Sugarc-- I mean Ponyville." He felt his face start to scrunch up again and nobly (but futilely) fought the impulse. "Twilight is saying that before, it said 'What.' Which, come to think of it, is the first thing you said right after it changed."
"Great," muttered Claudia. "So my thoughts are right there on my a--"
"Language, Claude," interrupted Pete.
"...for everyone to see?"
"Only if they can translate from this code," said Twilight. "It's kind of weird. If A is the first letter, why does the code start at 65?"
"It's ASCII, which is one step removed from basic computer language. The first thirty-two characters are control codes for the computer itself, then 32 is a space, and then there's punctuation, numerals, some more punctuation, and then the uppercase alphabet, some more punctuation, then the lowercase alphabet..." Claudia stopped. "And before you ask, so that the transition from upper case to lower case can be made by changing a single bit."
"I've always wondered. Why is there punctuation between the upper and lower case alphabets?" asked Pete.
Claudia felt a headache coming on. "Please," she said to Twilight Sparkle. "Please tell me that there is coffee where we're going."
Pete grinned. "I bet I know where she can get one!"
* * * * *
Artie frowned. He'd expected to hear back from Pete and Claudia by now. He'd specifically chosen this particular retrieval for them because it seemed so simple. The location of the artifact was more or less known. No one had been hurt by it yet, although some parents had been briefly traumatized by the disappearance of their children. Everyone who'd disappeared had turned up in relatively short order, completely unharmed, and apparently without any psychological trauma. Granted, the parents had reported a change in behavior, always for the better, so there was the possibility of some sort of mind control effect, but so far all changes had been beneficial.
He really wanted that artifact back in the Warehouse, where it could be studied, catalogued, and, most importantly, safely stashed away before it began to have the inevitable detrimental effect on people that such items invariably had. Frowning still further, he reached for a metallic device sitting on his desk: the Farnsworth communication device, capable of transmitting audio and video to another Farnsworth anywhere on the planet - even alternate versions of the planet. Provided Pete and Claudia were on Earth, any Earth, they were within reach.
He sighed. He supposed that meant that he should wait for them to call. Pete and Claudia were responsible adults, after--
He reached for the Farnsworth again, a bit faster this time, then hesitated. Pete had jokingly referred to him as Claudia's "Dad" on numerous occasions, and he didn't want to reinforce that impression. He was sure they had everything under control.
He reached for the device one last time, only to flip it closed and glower at it from beneath his bushy eyebrows.
* * * * *
Pete tried not to frown. He'd been hoping to get in touch with Ponyville's resident party pony in order to cheer Claudia up. He'd hoped that Sugarcube Corner would have coffee, with which to wash down the numerous cakes, pies, pastries, and other assorted confectioneries offered. He certainly had not planned on Ponyville having the equivalent of a Starbuck's. And yet, here they were, with Sugarcube Corner in view on the opposite side of town square, drinking some admittedly very good mocha lattes, but with Pinkie Pie nowhere in sight.
Discussion had quickly moved from Claudia's ever-changing Cutie Mark ("the mood ring of Cutie Marks," Pete had called it, but the name didn't stick) to his own static one. There, on his flank, was a painful reminder of one of the worst days of his life. In bright red, a circle around a firefighter's hat. Around the circle, four protrusions in the same color, within the topmost of which were the letters "NCFD" and within the lower quadrant, "4994". Pete knew exactly what the symbol signified, and what moment it would have appeared, had he been a pony at the time.
It was the day he'd learned to listen to his hunches, his "Vibes". It was the day he'd talked to his father and been overwhelmed with the feeling that he would never see the man again. It was the day his father had died, saving two children's lives, and he had determined that some day, he would be a hero, just like his old man. And that he would trust that feeling, that Vibe, for the rest of his life.
It wasn't until the three ponies around him burst into tears that he realized he'd just said all of that out loud.
"Wow, Pete," Claudia said. "I had no idea..."
Pete frowned. "I, uh, don't talk about it much," he admitted. Before he could say more, he found himself being hugged from four different directions. He briefly considered protesting, but decided that sometimes, you just need a good hug. It was while he was letting himself come back from his recollection that he realized that somewhere along the line, another pony had managed to show up without his knowledge, and was hugging him from behind.
He felt a grin building, and didn't bother to fight it. "When did you get here, Pinkie Pie?"
"Right around when you were telling your dad that you wanted to grow up to be the kind of person who makes the world safe even if it means leaving the people you care about," admitted Pinkie, wiping tears away from her eyes. "That's just so sad!"
"Well," said Pete, "I've mostly put the sad parts behind me. But yeah, sometimes, it just..." He sighed, and, while Twilight, Applejack, and Claudia extricated themselves from the group hug, Pinkie Pie just squeezed him tighter. "Anyway," he said after a moment. "Um, personal space?"
Pinkie grinned at him and took a step back. "Okie-dokie-lokie, new bestest pal!"
"Pete Lattimer," he said, extending a hoof.
"Pinkie Pie," the party pony said, shaking his hoof vigorously, "but I bet you already knew that!"
"You'd win, too."
"He's a fan," muttered Twilight.
"Wow, a grown up fan? I didn't know we had those! And he's a colt, too!"
"Ah reckon there's a lot about these tourist folks y'all don't know, Pinkie."
Pinkie grinned. "That's what makes them so great! Every time we get a new tourist to Ponyville, there's a chance to make not just one new friend, but an entire world full of new friends!"
Twilight Sparkle could feel the pressure building. An entire world. Hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions of ponies out there, and their only contact with Equestria was the downright unpredictable bridge between their worlds that, for some reason, led just outside of Ponyville. And Pete and Claudia were representatives of that world's government, which meant that mishandling them could lead to a diplomatic incident. "Keep it together, Twilight," she muttered. "Keep it together." And now, both of these representatives, along with her good friends Applejack and Pinkie Pie, were staring at her. Not good, not good, not good! She could feel herself building towards a full-blown panic, about to turn a small problem into an enormously huge entire-town-in-total-chaos Princess-has-to-come-and-save-the-day problem. The knowledge that panicking was the absolute last thing she should do wasn't helping. It only served to make her fear of failure even worse.
While everypony stared at the recently vacated spot where she had been sitting, she began frantically pulling out every book the Books and Branches Library had on diplomacy.
"Well," said Pete, "this can't end well."
"Ah'm sure it'll be fine, sugarcube."
"Mm-hmm. The last time she got in a state like that, at least that I know of, she was late writing a Friendship Report to the Princess. You remember how that turned out, I'm sure."
"Oh mah goodness, the Smarty Pants Incident."
"Exactly."
"What's the Smarty Pants Incident?"
Pete frowned, then looked over at Claudia. "I keep forgetting, you have no idea what we're talking about." He looked over at Applejack. "Why don't you go check on Twilight, and I'll fill Claudia in."
"Ah'm not sure Ah should leave y'all alone like that."
"Oh, it'll be fine, Applejack! I'll stay here with them!" Pinkie Pie had interposed herself between the two newcomers and put a hoof around each of their shoulders, pulling them together.
"See? Adult supervision," said Pete. "I promise we won't get into any trouble while you're gone. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."
"Well all right," Applejack relented. "But just so's ya know, Pinkie Pie takes them Pinkie Pie Swears mighty serious, so y'all best keep yer word."
"Just get galloping, Applejack," Pete said. "Before Twilight does something we'll all regret."
Applejack frowned, then apparently decided that they didn't have time to argue further, and headed for the library at a full gallop.
Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie was rooting around in Claudia's saddlebags.
"Hey, what are you doing with my stuff?" Claudia quickly yanked the bag away from the party pony, settling it back on her back.
"This thingy's buzzing," Pinkie replied, holding up Claudia's Farnsworth balanced on one forehoof. "What is it?"
Pete grinned at her. "That," he said, "is how we're going to prank one of my closest and best friends." He nudged the pink pony conspiratorially. "You in?"
"Am I in? I love a good prank! So long as nopony gets hurt, it's all in good fun!"
"Great! Here's what you do..."
