Growing Up Is Optional

Chapters

Day 17: Friendship Is What, Again? (Part 1)
Day 17: Friendship Is What, Again? (Part 3)
Day 32: Taking The Plunge (Part 1)
Day 1: Welcome (Back) To Hell
Day 17: Friendship Is What, Again? (Part 2)

Day 17: Friendship Is What, Again? (Part 1)

Pain Education was Big Shot’s least favorite thing in the history of eternity aside from Diamond Tiara; he made no secret of that. However, he always found the sweat and toil of his construction job much more bearable. Getting to walk home a nice young mare like Apple Bloom every work day may have had a part in it, but he’d never say that out loud.

The scene was familiar, with the pair walking away with dirt in their coats mixed with sweat down the dirt roads of Ponyville. The autumn breeze cooled them off, though Celestia’s shining sun was as unrelenting as ever as they made their way back to their houses.

“Whew, never thought we’d get that job done in time,” Big Shot said, chuckling under his breath. “And after all those electric shocks I got from that faulty power line, I think my nerve endings won’t work right for a week. Can’t even feel my hooves.”

“Ah told ya that you shoulda let somepony else handle those cables, but nooo, you had ta do it yourself,” Apple Bloom teased with a roll of her eyes and a smile.

“Bah, I haven’t needed help with a fixer upper if I couldn’t do it myself. Plus, I like the smell of burned fur,” Big joked, remembering all those tiny, annoying, and extremely painful singes he received over the course of the day. Hopefully he could hide them from his parents when he got home.

Apple Bloom snickered. “Explains why ya hang out with that creep Lockheart. Ah can hear the bangs in his room from his magic practice all the way back at the farm sometimes.”

“Yeah, probably gonna have to get him a wig if he continues that. Nearly burned all the hair from his coat the last time he tried it at full power.” Big stopped in his tracks and fell into the pose of the thinker pony. “What I’m wondering is why he’s going so hard at it. He doesn’t normally give a damn about a spell he fails the first couple of times. Usually he’s busy in... other areas of his talent.”

“Hell if Ah know,” Apple Bloom said with a shrug, looking over her shoulder at him. “Ah try ta avoid Lockheart as much as possible. There’s just somethin’ about him that sends a shiver up my spine. No offense.”

“None taken. If this is about the incident last summer with all those broken apple trees and me breaking my leg, he’s been meaning to apologize for that. Plus, he had about a thousand splinters up his plot, so it was pretty funny.” Big smiled at the memory, his lung choking laughter at his friend’s plight. So many splinters and only one pair of tweezers.

Apple Bloom giggled up a storm. “Ah know Ah shouldn’t find it so funny, but yeah, seeing his plot look like a porcupine's back was just hysterical! But no, Ah’m mostly over that. My big sis ain’t, though; she’s still hoppin’ mad about all those wrecked trees.”

“Um, yeah,” Big said, gulping in fear. Applejack was not a mare to be trifled with, especially since it was rumored her buck could geld a stallion in one shot. Or that’s what her cheating ex coltfriend said. Even to that day he couldn’t walk or sit right. “You did happen to mention that I wasn’t responsible for those damages, didn’t you?”

“Don’t worry; Ah told her a long time ago that it was Lockheart’s boneheaded idea,” Apple Bloom assured with a pat on his back as she started trotting forward again. “She didn’t have any trouble believing it. That stallion’s sick in the head as well as everywhere else, y’know?”

“Well, he ain’t that bad,” Big mumbled, rubbing the back of his head in his usual nervous manner.

“Big, Ah know he’s your friend and all, but that guy has issues,” Apple Bloom said, looking at her friend worriedly. “Don’t you remember what he did ta Checkered Flag about two years ago?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Dated him, used him for sex, dumped him on the side of the road when he was done. Pretty much a cut and dry formula’s he’s perfected over the years for both genders. What’s the big deal?”

“Big deal? You mean you didn’t know?” Apple Bloom asked, her eyebrows shooting up and looking over Big Shot as if he’d just turned into a changeling. “Lockheart tried to strangle the life out of him after they broke up, just for starters. He didn’t tell you why he got suspended?”

“...he never really told me,” he confessed. “Said he got in a fight and wanted to drop the matter. And since I’m not really that into social circles, I never really got informed. B-but you must be exaggerating it. Lockheart might be a little off, but violent isn’t really his style.” But Big Shot was drawn to that memory of the first day of school the previous week. Of how he had that mad glint in his eyes when he threatened Diamond Tiara and her friends. Did he actually mean everything he said?

“You don’t know that colt very well, do ya?” she asked, cocking a brow. “Sweetie Belle saw the whole thing. Lockheart was too weak to kill the poor guy, but he sure as hay tried. Strangled him with his magic and kept hammering his skull with his hooves over and over. He’s just not right in the head, Big.”

“Well, I’ve beaten up tons of ponies. And I don’t see you calling me a crazy pony,” Big Shot pointed out, grasping at straws by then for excuses.

The farm pony sighed. “Okay, he’s your best friend, so ya don’t wanna think badly of him. Ah get that. But you’ve heard about that shrinkin’ spell he’s tryin’ to master, right? Just what the hay do you think he’s gonna do with it when he does, Big?”

“Why don’t you stay out of other ponies’ business, Bloom?” Big snapped back at the startled mare. “Like you’re so morally superior to him. You’re dating Sweetie Belle for fuck’s sake, and you don’t even have the guts to tell anypony else other than me! What does that say about yourself?”

Apple Bloom’s face fell, her ears flattening and her eyes downcast. “That Ah’m a coward... Ah know that Ah am. But what am Ah supposed to do?”

Big stared at the downcast mare as a frown tugged at his lips. He really needed to think first before he talked. “Ah fuck, Bloom, I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong. And I’m probably the last stallion to ask for relationship advice.”

“It’s fine,” she assured, though she certainly didn’t look like she was. “Ah know Ah should tell my family soon, but...” She sighed. “Ah really don’t wanna talk about it. Can we talk about somethin’ else?”

“S-sure,” Big Shot eagerly replied, glad to steer off course from the dangerous waters they were treading. “So, um, how are you liking school and your classes?” Big was mentally bucking himself for asking the lamest question ever a stallion could ask a mare.

“Likin’ ‘em well enough,” she said, relaxing at the change of subject. “Have one with Sweetie Belle and three with Scootaloo. Wish Ah had more with ‘em, but hay, we can’t always get what we want. Would kinda like to have one with you, too; you’re a pretty nice stallion to talk to.”

“Yeah, me too. How is Scootaloo doing, by the way?” Big asked with the discretion of a gambler bluffing with a smiling face.

“She’s doing just fine. Grades aren’t so swell, but Sweetie Belle is helping her out,” Apple Bloom said. “That pegasus just doesn’t have a head for math at all. Or history. Or science. Or anything besides sports, really.”

Big’s ears instantly perked up. “I can tutor her!” he yelled, shocking the mare beside him.

After getting over the initial shock, a small smile formed on her lips. “You seem awfully eager, Big. There somethin’ you wanna tell me?”

“Well, I’m just interested in helping my fellow students in need. Besides, I have all honor classes and perfect grades. Tutoring her will be a cinch,” he gloated. “After all, wouldn’t really be putting my special talent to use if I didn’t offer it to others every once in awhile,” Big said, pointing to the two gears grinding against each other on his flank.

“Ain’t your cutie mark mostly about your temper, Big?” she asked. “Ah mean, they are sparkin’ and all.”

“What? No, no, no, no, no, noooooo. It stands for my expert electrical skills and my amazing brain power,” Big Shot gloated, tapping his noggin.

Apple Bloom giggled with a knowing smile. “Alright, Ah got it. Sure thing. Ah’ll be sure to let Scootaloo know you wanna help her out. Sweetie’s a star student, but she’s not that great a teacher.”

“Don’t you worry, I’m great at teaching,” Big reassured her, his happy go lucky grin already wider than it had been in months. Finally, a chance for some personal time with Scootaloo. He could see it now. Him teaching her everything he knew, earning her good grades year round. Eventually she’d be so thankful she’d have to accept his offer at a date. And a couple of romantic evenings, boom batta bing, he gets laid. And boy how awesome would that be. Her sweaty, muscles tense and toned, endorphins rushing to every part of her body as she received the greatest pleasuring in her entire life.

“Big Shot, you’re drooling a bit there,” Apple Bloom snickered.

“W-well, I, um, I’m hungry is all. Yeah, starving,” Big said, rubbing his protruding belly. “Gotta eat something quick.”

“Well, the only edible things around are her and me, so who’s it gonna be, Big Plot?” a familiar voice snickered from a path to the side of them.

“Listen Lockheart, how many times do I- by Discord’s left nut sack! What happened to your horn?” Big cried in disgust, his face turning green.

The unicorn stallion’s horn looked like it had snapped in two, though the cut was far from clean and as jagged as a broken booze bottle. His face and mane were singed, little spots of dried blood flecked over his head.

“Just a little accident, is all,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hoof. “I was just trying a Want It Need It charm, and this happened.”

“Partner, you look like somepony tied several firecrackers to your horn,” Apple Bloom said, her own squeamishness plain.

“More like dynamite. Dude, we have to get you fixed up. I told you if you keep at that shrink spell you’re going to hurt yourself. And now you’re doing a Want It Need It charm? You’re going to get killed at this rate!”

“I was just going to go do that when I ran into you two lovebirds,” he teased, wearing that infuriating but familiar smug smile of his. “I figured this would be too much for the Heart sisters, so I was going to Twilight Sparkle’s library.”

“Well, I’ll come with you then. Got nothing better to do. You want to join up Apple Bloom?” Big Shot asked the mare, who was avoiding eye contact with the hideously disfigured Lockheart.

“U-um... sure thing,” she responded hesitantly.

“The more the merrier,” Lockheart chirped, practically prancing in the direction of the library without even looking back to see if they were following.

“How do you stand that colt?” Apple Bloom mumbled to Big Shot as she followed.

“When I’m older, hopefully with alcohol. For now, ignorance and generally getting used to him. Might take you longer though,” Big said, rolling his eyes at his friend’s antics.

“Don’t plan on sticking around long enough ta ‘get used’ to him,” she groused.

“That’s what they always say. Here’s a tip. Avoid talking about anything related to sex. He’ll never shut up after that,” Big explained.

Apple Bloom scoffed. “As if Ah’d ever wanna talk about sex with him. What he does in bed and who he does in bed is no business of mine.”

“He’ll make it your business one way or the other. Seen it happen way too many times to count,” Big replied absently, struggling to catch up with the rapidly departing unicorn.

“Do Ah want ta ask?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“Okay, let me do the step by step process for you,” Big slowed down and began the list from the top of his head. “Firstly, if you hate him, he’ll do whatever it takes to make you fall head over hooves in love with him. Don’t know how he does it, and neither do I really care. Then after the initial dating process, he’ll have his way with you. Then when he’s finally bored, you’re dumped and that’s the end of it. This process can take a few days to a couple of weeks to achieve, but he always manages to pull it off for some strange reason.”

“Ya wouldn’t catch me dead in bed with him.” She shook her head. “How did you even get to be friends with a colt like him? You seem way too nice ta be hangin’ around the likes of him.”

Big’s earlier giddiness disappeared. “Not like I had much of a choice. He’s the only friend I have, really. Who else would want to hang out with me?”

“Ah wouldn’t mind myself,” Apple Bloom admitted. “Well, Ah wouldn’t mind spendin’ time with ya when Lockheart isn’t around.”

He bit back the reply that nearly escaped his lips, which was a great accomplishment on his part about actually thinking before talking. On why she really hanged out with him. Pity. He hated that word, that handout ponies offered him time and time again. When a random pony would sit with him at lunch so he wouldn’t be lonely. Or when someone volunteers to be his partner on a project because no one else chose him. He always told them to buzz off and go buck themselves. He’d rather live a hermit than be that little nobody someone sports around to make them feel better about themselves. The only reason he didn’t bad talk Apple Bloom about it was because they worked together, so it wasn’t the exact same situation like those other times. Lock was the only one who kept coming back to him, even with all the threats and verbal abuse he targeted toward him. And in a way, Big was grateful for that.

“Sure thing, Bloom...” Big said, sighing.

Apple Bloom frowned slightly. “Ya don’t seem too happy about that. Ah mean, does Lockheart mean so much to ya that you don’t want any other friends?”

Big Shot arched an eyebrow at the yellow mare. “Bloom, I’m big, fat, ugly, and socially awkward. If I could change any of that then of course I’d get more friends. But at the moment, I’m stuck with him, so I might as well as make the most of it.”

“Ah don’t think yer that ugly,” she said, her ears flattening. “Or at all, for that matter. Just need to lose some weight is all.”

Big Shot rolled his eyes at that comment. “Yeah, real easy for you to say. I’ve been chubby since kindergarden, Bloom. I’ve done dieting, not eating, and even working out. All that got me was a bunch of muscles under all this fat. Can’t even show it off. Fucking sucks.”

“Sorry,” Apple Bloom sighed. “Just tryin’ to cheer you up, is all. Ah know Lockheart probably doesn’t give a damn, but Ah really don’t like seein’ ya sad.”

“What’re you two whispering about?” Lockheart called back from quite a ways ahead of them. “Pick up the pace!”

“Why don’t ya shut your trap, asshole!” Big shouted back, quickening into a slow trot. “Sheesh, can you be anymore of a fucking nag?”

“I’ll answer that question with another question: Could your plot get anymore fat?” the unicorn called back with a snicker.

“Oh yeah, well, I’ll answer your question with another question: Can your face get anymore broken after I’ve pounded it?” Big called back, clearly struggling to keep with the unicorn’s pace.

Lockheart just burst out laughing as Apple Bloom looked between them in confusion. “Ah really don’t get you two,” she admitted. “You’re supposed ta be friends, right? So why do you insult each other all the time?”

“That’s the difference between stallions and mares,” Big explained. “You compliment each other when you really insult each other, while us stallions insult each other with being all sneaky about it. We’re more truthful about how we feel about one another if you get the gist.”

“So? My friends and Ah are all honest with each other about how we feel, and we don’t insult each other all the time,” she said. “We support each other, not call each other names and threaten to beat eachother up. That just ain’t what friends do.”

“Well, aren’t you technically not being honest with Scootaloo about you and Sweetie Belle’s relationship?” Big whispered in her ear. “Plus, the insults and threats are the best part of friendship! Am I right, Lock?” Big asked the unicorn.

“Nah, the best part is getting to look at your nice plot for free!” he teased with a flick of his tail and a grin.

Apple Bloom groaned and shook her head. “Ah will never understand you two.”

“That’s the point. Now, excuse me as I rip this idiot’s throat out and shove it up his ass.” Running at a gait closely resembling a train pulling out of the station, the huge stallion yelled a battle cry as he chased after the unicorn.

“Can’t catch me, I’m the motherfucking gingerbread mare!” Lockheart called behind him as he sprinted away, cackling like a hyena.

Apple Bloom just sighed and shook her head, galloping after the pair.

Day 17: Friendship Is What, Again? (Part 3)

“Oh Apple Bloom, you feel really tense,” Pina Colada cooed, rubbing both her hooves deep into Apple Bloom’s back, earning a moan of pleasure from her client. “Bucking trees all day must really build up tension in your muscles.”

“Yeah,” the farm pony sighed happily, her eyes half closed in pleasure. “Not to mention my part-time construction job. Don’t really have time to do things like this, most days. Really glad Ah came, though.” She was stretched out on a table so comfortable and soft that Apple Bloom was half convinced it cost selling somepony’s soul to a dark power to get something so heavenly. Her masseuse was so good at her job that she playfully wondered whether Colada made some dark pact, too.

“Oh yeah, I heard about your part time job. Really matches your cutie mark,” Pina said, eying lustfully the mallet and screwdriver arranged in an x behind a bright red apple that served as her special talent. “I’ve also heard you work with Big Shot as your partner. So, what’s he like?”

“He’s a very nice stallion. Bit shy and awkward, and has a bit of a temper, but he’s still a nice pony when ya get right down to it,” she explained with a small moan. “Oh yeah, right there.”

“So, is he that pony you’re taken with?” Pina asked, digging her hooves deeper into Bloom’s sweet spot.

She let out a small squeak and a blush, both from pleasure and the question. “N-no!”

“Are you sure? Sure, he isn’t the handsomest stallion around, and he’d probably crush you in bed if you ever slept with him, but he is quite... large. And the larger a stallion is, the larger his special toy.” Pina’s naughty grin was thankfully hidden when Bloom made another gasp of orgasm like pleasure from Pina’s skilled hooves easing every muscle in her back.

She blushed up a storm. “A-Ah don’t really think about my friend’s privates. Besides, as Ah said, Ah’m taken and it’s not with him.” She shifted a bit uncomfortably, but couldn’t bring herself to say a word to Pina.

“Fine fine, I see you’re not dating him. So, is it Lockheart?” Pina eagerly asked.

“Fuck no!” she shouted, the very thought curdling her blood. “Ah’d rather get banged by a mechanical bull with no lube than date that slimy creep!”

“Testy. Although, that is a pretty good metaphor to describe him in bed,” Pina replied, grabbing some lotion from her workstation and squeezing a glob in her hoof.

“Ugh, don’t tell me you slept with that guy,” Apple Bloom groaned, looking at her masseuse over her shoulder.

“Oh yes, but never really dated. We have a more friends with benefits type of thing going on.” Suddenly goose bumps sprung up along Apple Bloom’s back as cold lotion was beginning to get rubbed in by gentle yet firm hooves.

The farm pony shivered and let out a small moan. Her rage and disgust vanished like smoke blown away on the wind. “How do you stand that guy enough to even call him a friend?” she asked, her tone utterly relaxed.

“He isn’t so bad when you get past the initial... hazing period. He can even be quite sweet sometimes. Although, he does spend an awful lot of time with Big Shot. One could wonder...”

“Could wonder what?” Apple Bloom asked, flicking her curly tail. “Ya think they’re colt cuddlers or somethin’?”

Pina Colada briefly stopped her work and shrugged. “Well, Lockheart is known to fool around with stallions, and Big Shot I have no idea about. Never seen him date any mare, so one could jump to the logical conclusion that they’re an item or something.”

“Nah, those two insult each other all the time,” Apple Bloom said with a wave of her hoof. “They can barely stand each other. No way could they ever be a couple.”

“It could be an open relationship. Would definitely explain why Lock would date so many other ponies. Or it could be what me and Lock have, friends with benefits. Besides, I think Lock likes getting insulted by Big. It’s so cute when they go at each other like that. Almost like an old married couple,” Pina said, giggling.

“Ya know... Ah think you may have a point,” Apple Bloom admitted. “Ah never really thought about it like that. It makes sense. Ah mean, Lock flirts with Big somethin’ fierce every chance he gets.”

“Yeah, and how else would it explain why Lock would hang out with Big Shot so often? I mean, Big has to be one of the most unpopular ponies at our school. He takes social awkwardness to another level. I couldn’t imagine why Lock would stick around to somepony like that unless sex was an incentive.”

“Hey, Big Shot’s a really nice colt, and he’s my friend! Don’t talk about him like that,” Apple Bloom snapped, glaring at Pina over her shoulder.

Pina’s ears shot down. “Oh, um, sorry Bloom. You know I didn’t mean it like that, don’t you?” she asked desperately.

“Yeah, sure you didn’t,” the farm pony grumbled laying her chin back down on the table. “Just be careful about what ya say from now on, okay? You’re a really nice mare and ya shouldn’t be talkin’ about other ponies like that behind their backs.”

“Um, sure, sorry Bloom,” Pina muttered. The earlier relaxing yet breathtaking massage lost its drive. Pina’s hooves moved in an almost robotic fashion, none of the passion she had earlier in her hooves. After a couple of minutes of awkward silence, Pina spoke again.

“Listen, Bloom, I really am sorry about saying stuff like that about Big. I know he’s your friend, and it was wrong of me to say such mean things about him. It’s just, I ramble on sometimes and I don’t think about what I’m saying and a lot of times I hurt the ponies I care about. I just hope... you can forgive me for that.”

Apple Bloom’s ears flattened and her gaze softened. “Sorry for snapping at ya, Pina. Apology accepted. Let’s just forget about it and talk about somethin’ else, okay?”

“Sure thing, Bloom,” Pina said, relief flooding in her eyes. “Let’s see, you still haven’t told me who you’re taken with, Miss Secret Bloom.”

“He’s in Manehattan; long distance relationship, you know,” she lied, pulling out the excuse she used whenever she was backed into a corner over her love life.

Pina Colada, an ever eager gossip, tore into her like a shark with drowning obese child. “What’s his name, what does he do, does he have a brothers or sister, is he cute, funny, smart, athletic, good in bed, have a big dick, and does he likes strawberry candy?”

Apple Bloom stammered, trying to answer as best she could. “U-uh, his name is Sweetnote, he’s a singer, he has an older sister, he’s really cute and smart, Ah don’t know if he’s good in bed, the size of his equipment is kind of private, and...” She blinked. “Why in the hell do you wanna know if he likes strawberry candy?”

“Because,” she whispered in her ear, her hot breath smelling of sweet, sweet strawberries, “stallions love to suck on something sweet, and strawberry is my favorite flavor.”

Apple Bloom froze up and a shiver went down her spine that ended in her loins. Her yellow face turned as red as her mane. “A-Ah see,” she stammered, trying to stem the tide of naughty thoughts that were threatening to flood her mind in debauchery.

“Would you like to suck on something sweet, Apple Bloom?” Pina asked, her mouth only an inch away from the mare’s ear. Pina’s tongue began to touch her skin, licking up and down her ear until she playfully nibbled on it. “Because I have a real craving for something apple flavored.”

“Wh... what do ya have in mind?” she asked, trying desperately to keep the conversation innocent even though it delved in the gutter already.

“Maybe some... candied apples,” she cooed, now licking Apple Bloom’s neck. Her expert hooves began to massage her in a different area, right on her plot, her hooves moving up and down her cutie mark in masterful strokes.

The farm pony shivered in pleasure, her brain fighting over whether to stay still or buck her right in the teeth. “Ah...Ah’m not so sure, Pina,” she mumbled. “Ah’m taken, remember? Ah don’t w-wanna be unfaithful...”

“You won’t be unfaithful if nopony finds out,” Pina said, her hooves now in an entirely different region of Apple Bloom’s plot, one where the slightest touch made Apple Bloom squeak in barely contained cries of pleasure. Pina pressed her tongue to the side of Apple Bloom’s mouth, until it slipped inside and began to explore. The two mares embraced in the kiss, their tongues doing all the talking for them. Breaking off, a stray strand of saliva still connected their forbidden kiss. “Mmm, Apple Bloom, you’re one naughty little filly. Already wet are we?” Pina’s hooves began to stroke harder and deeper now, collecting a good amount of Bloom’s hormone induced fluids.

Apple Bloom’s legs quivered and quaked as she tried to will herself to move, or do anything for that matter. Here eyes were wide and her gaze distant, her lips opening and closing like a floundering fish. She desperately wanted Pina; she was a very, very pretty mare, ignoring the fact she knew how to please. But that little thing that she called her conscience kept screaming for her to get away. “Ah...Ah don’t...”

“Shh, no more words,” Pina whispered, pressing a hoof to Apple Bloom’s mouth, the fragrance of the sweet smelling lotion and her own juices making her eyes flutter. “You’re the customer, which means you get a happy ending. And I intend to make you as happy as possible.” An erotic smile was plastered on Pina’s lips as she flipped over Apple Bloom, her marehood already in heat. The pink mare pressed her belly to Apple Bloom’s, rubbing both her hooves along the yellow mare’s sides. Pina pressed her lips to Apple Bloom’s again, the two mares lost in each other’s kiss. They broke it off once more, captured by the other’s eyes.

“J-just don’t tell anypony... okay?” Apple Bloom said shyly, wiggling under Pina. She was entranced by those teal eyes of hers and couldn’t look away. She felt trapped and yet didn’t ever want to escape. “Ah don’t want anypony to know Ah’m a filly fooler.”

“Don’t worry, my little Bloom, your secret is safe with me. Now, let me relieve some tension from those aching muscles of yours.” She dove right back into their kiss, much more wild and less gently than before. Her tongue caressed her client’s, the sweet strawberry flavor quickly becoming Apple Bloom’s favorite taste. Pina moved her lips from her mouth to her neck, then to her chest, and then down to her belly. Apple Bloom was panting, her hoof busy elsewhere in her nether regions and in Pina’s, since that was just common courtesy. Pina’s tongue stopped right before making it’s grand entrance to the main prize, her teal eyes looking at Apple Blooms. So many words were spoken through those eyes, many of which made Apple Bloom even hotter for her. Just as her tongue was about to meet its intended destination, the door opened.

“Hey Bloom, me and Lock are done and the receptionist said you should be finishing up so-” Big’s wouldn’t have talked if he could have, his mouth hanging open so much it looked like it would snap off. The image before him conveyed multiple thoughts, many of which centering around why in the hell Pina’s face was stuck right in between Apple Bloom’s legs. In a split second this thought returned back to his brain with an answer, which he immediately blurted out, “Holy Celestia fucking Luna’s anus, you two were having sex!”

Apple Bloom quickly kicked Pina away and scrambled upright on the table, looking at Big with a look of absolute terror. “Th-this isn’t what it... okay, it’s exactly what it looks like, b-but Ah didn’t mean for it to go this far!”

“This far? She was practically diving for pearls in your snatch!” Big shouted, his face now even redder than Apple Bloom’s. “Oh dear Celestia, this is bad! What is Sweetie-” Apple Bloom’s hoof connected with his snout, ending his sentence.

“My coltfriend isn’t gonna know until Ah tell him, understood?” she said pointedly, glaring daggers at Big.

Big Shot rubbed his nose in annoyance, and because that hoof to the mouth really hurt. “Sure, you tell him that. Didn’t have to hit me that hard though,” he complained.

“Or shove me off the table,” Pina added, dusting her coat off. She made her way to Apple Bloom and ran her tail down the yellow mare’s body. “And just when we were getting to the good part.” This caused an instant increase of blood flow to a certain organ in Big’s lower body.

“Pina, stop,” Apple Bloom said firmly, sidling away from her reach. “You’re a very nice mare and Ah want to be friends with ya, but Ah’m not interested in bein’ friends like that. Ah’m sorry if that disappoints ya, but I’ve got a special somepony to stay loyal to.”

“I... okay,” she sighed. “Sorry, I... I better be going.” The mare galloped past Big and into the hall to who knew where.

“Ah shoulda known this would happen with one a’ Lockheart’s friends,” Apple Bloom grumbled as she trotted out the door, her head hung low and her eyes narrowed in anger at the world in general.

“Um, wait up a second, Bloom!” Big called, both his legs pressed tight to conceal his ready to deliver package as he shuffled forward.

“Where’s Lockheart?” she growled, not looking back at him as she stomped down the hall.

“He’s, um, somewhere at the desk. Now can you wait up?” But she didn’t listen. Big was left to whimper and move at an incredibly slow pace, so as to not reveal his hidden shame.

The farm pony found her way to the front reception area, and saw Lockheart waiting for the two of them on a bench. He perked up upon seeing her and slipped off his seat. “So, how did things go with Pina-?”

The rest of his words didn’t make it out. They were cut short by a right hook to his jaw.

“The hell were you thinkin’, settin’ me up like that?!” Apple Bloom roared.

“S-set up?” the unicorn groaned as he spat out a tooth. “The fuck are you talking about?”

“Ah can see right through you, you wormy, bastard,” she snarled. “You set me up with Pina Colada as a little favor to her, didn’t ya?! Friends with a lot of benefits, it looks like.”

“Oh sweet Celestia, she did it again, didn’t she?” he groaned as he got back on all fours.

“Damn right she did! Practically-” Her words were cut off when Lockheart grabbed her with his magic, dragging her away from the gathering gaze of bystanders. “Hey, let me go!”

He dragged her over to a secluded corner and hissed, “I don’t want to get her fired, idiot!”

“Well, she should be! She pretty much forced herself on me,” Apple Bloom snapped back.

“Look, she has a problem with that, okay? She doesn’t exactly like it, but sometimes she just... gets caught up in her work,” he said hesitantly. “It’s gotten her in trouble before, and if she gets written up one more time, she loses her job. That’s not even going over the outright scandal for both the spa and Pina’s family. If you say a single word, this is going to hurt a lot more ponies than just her.”

“Do you *huff* mind waiting *huff* up for once?” Big shouted, finally catching up and no longer indecent. Nothing like a workout to loosen the muscles. “Now, would somepony mind explaining to me why Pina was getting smitten with, um, Apple Bloom’s... you know what I mean?”

“Because she’s just like your friend here,” she said, narrowing her eyes at the unicorn.

Lockheart sighed and shook his head. “No, she’s not. Not quite, anyway. Her special talent is making other ponies feel like they’re in paradise. She has several ways to do it. She’s best with massage and conversation, but her talent also extends to sex. When she gets caught up in her work, she gets caught up in her purpose in life: pleasuring other ponies. Sometimes she gets to a point where she forgets how and how not to do that, is all.”

“Oh, is that all?” Apple Bloom asked with a roll of her eyes.

“Is that why you never let me get massages here?” Big Shot asked Lock.

“That’s the main reason, yes,” he admitted. “Look, no offense, but Pina just is not your type, Big, and I don’t want your hormones ruining her career.”

“Ooh, but when you need to get one off she’s all yours. I know what this is really about,” Big said, narrowing his eyes and glaring at Lockheart.

“I don’t bang her at work!” he hissed back. “You totally would, and you know it!”

“I would if you let me. But you won’t, because you want me all to yourself,” Big said, raising both his hooves in the air. “You just can’t stand the idea of me hanging out or fucking anyone else! No, I’m yours forever, so you deliberately undermine me so I’m always around. The names, the insults, the buying me food all the time! Just to fatten me up so I have no choice but to come crawling back!”

“I do not-” He paused and looked over to Apple Bloom. “What’re you looking at?”

The farm pony’s eyes were wide as dinner plates and her jaw was almost dragging along the floor. “Sweet Celestia, Pina was right about you two.”

“Psst, Lock, what is she talking about?” Big asked his friend, troubled by that weird look Apple Bloom was giving the two of them.

“I have no idea,” he whispered back before saying at normal volume, “Apple Bloom, Pina was right about what?”

“You two are so gay for each other,” she said, still in complete shock.

A pregnant silence hung in the air, only to be broken by Big Shot and Lockheart falling over and laughing their plots off. Big in particular could barely breathe. After a solid minute of hysterics, Big Shot was finally able to say, “You actually think we’re an item? I can barely stand to be in the same room with this asshole, let alone a bed. Plus, I’m straight, and would rather fuck a pile of donkey manure than this guy. Can you believe her, Lock?”

“No, I can’t!” he said, still cracking up and on his back, his hind legs kicking in the air. After his hysterics died down, he got back on all fours and panted from laughing so hard. “Seriously, Apple Bloom, I admit I’d love to rut this bastard, but we came to an understanding a long time ago: He’s straight, I’m not, he borderline hates me, so I don’t ever seriously try to get him in bed with me except like for a sleepover or some junk.”

“And then there’s the possibility of me catching some weird STD he’s picked up over the years,” Big added in, struggling to get back on his hooves. “Like last year when you had sex with that whore, Cotton Top I believe, and then you got that weird rash. Then you went through every book in Twilight’s library to see what it was since you didn’t want to go to the doctors and get in trouble. But then you finally found out it was-” Lock’s hoof covered Big’s just before he uttered the last words in his sentence.

“Shut. Up,” the unicorn hissed.

Apple Bloom’s eyes went back to normal size, but her eyebrow cocked. “What was it?”

“Nothing. It was absolutely nothing,” he insisted with a blush. “And even if it wasn’t, nopony can prove anything, and I’m completely clean of STDs.”

“But what about all that lotion I had to get you? It was by the buckets too.” Big asked.

“I swear by Celestia’s sweaty solar snatch that I am clean,” Lockheart said, his voice shaking. From anger, anxiety, or both, neither of the earth ponies could tell. “I took the tests, I am not spreading anything!”

“Fine, fine, we believe ya,” Apple Bloom said, trying to calm him down.

“I don’t,” Big pointed out, but everyone just ignored him.

Lockheart panted, looking around to see if anypony was listening in. Seeing no one, he let out a sigh. “Look, just... please don’t turn Pina in? She can’t get fired this early in her career.”

Apple Bloom looked long and hard at the unicorn before saying, “Fine, Ah won’t. But if she does it again, Ah’m coming forward and testifyin’, got it?”

“Hey, aren’t you in the same circle of blame since you did technically cheat on your mare- I mean coltfriend?” Big questioned the yellow earth pony.

She blushed a bright red and looked away. “Erm... dammit, you’re right. Fine, Ah won’t testify. Just hope she don’t do it again.”

“That’ll do,” Lockheart said with a relieved smile. “And... sorry I didn’t warn you about her.”

“Apology accepted,” she said, returning the smile.

“As sexy as you are, I should’ve known she’d jump your bones,” he added with that smug smile of his.

Apple Bloom frowned and huffed, swinging around and stomping toward the front entrance. “Shoulda known...”

Big couldn’t help but stare at her plot as she was walking away, but mentally kicked himself and averted his eyes. Apple Bloom was his friend, and after seeing her in that... vulnerable position, his brain was going crazy. Not everyday you see one of your female friends going down on it with another beautiful mare. He was confused, and the short range connection from his brain to his penis was making things even more complicated.

“Nice view, ain’t it?” Lockheart, the master of not helping, snickered as he trotted to follow her.

“Damnit, Lock. She’s my only friend who’s a mare and I can’t even look at her without getting a hard on. Fucking fantastic,” he complained, shoving Lock to the side.

The unicorn cackled before falling back to be at Big’s side. “Look, it’s really not that big a deal. Just clop really well before each day at work, and there shouldn’t be any problems.”

“Yeah, like you know so much about. I bet you wouldn’t even hang out with the female population if sex wasn’t an incentive,” Big replied to Lock, glaring daggers at him. “Is there any mare you’d actually want to be around with if you couldn’t fuck her?”

Lockheart’s ears twitched downward and his smile faltered. “Yes. Yes, there is.”

“Relatives don’t count, doofus.”

“She isn’t a relative,” he said, one of his ears twitching as if swatting away a fly. They walked through the front doors, not that far behind Apple Bloom as the farm pony turned around.

“Ah guess Ah’ll see you tomorrow at work, Big?” she asked, once again ignoring his unicorn friend.

“Um, I think I’m gonna take a break from work for a bit. Need to do some... things,” Big said, squirming under her gaze and avoiding eye contact.

“Things? What kinda things?” She looked at him with confusion, Lockheart joining in.

“Ummmmmmmmm... important things. Things that need to be done. Because they’re important. And are things.” Big shuffled his hooves, cold sweat pouring down his brow. “Well, see ya Bloom!” Big called over his back as he dragged Lockheart away.

Apple Bloom blinked as the confused unicorn got dragged away flailing. “Boys,” she muttered as she trotted back to Sweet Apple Acres.

“Hey, what gives?” Lockheart asked as he tried to pry himself from Big’s grip. Unfortunately for him, he probably couldn’t win tug of war with a squirrel, much less Big Shot.

“Firstly, I’m afraid Bloom might have noticed my stiffy, so I want to get out of there as soon as possible. And secondly, we have to talk.”

“We can talk after you let me go,” Lockheart whined, his ears flattening pitifully.

Big easily lifted Lockheart near his head, the smaller unicorn flailing madly in the air. “No way, man. You’ll just squirm out of this like you always do. Now, who’s this chick you don’t fuck? Or do? Whatever you do to her?”

“Why do you want to know?” he spat, his limbs falling flat to his sides as he glared.

“Well, why haven’t I ever heard of her?” Big asked, a feeling of being hurt appearing in his eyes. Lock and Big were close friends, and usually shared nearly everything together.

Lockheart looked deep into his friend’s eyes and sighed. “Because I’ve never told you, because she’s a bit of a sore spot for me. I don’t really like talking about her.”

“Oh really. Like how you don’t like talking about Checkered Flag? Because Apple Bloom told me an interesting story about that,” Big said coldly, his gaze never wavering from Lock’s.

The unicorn’s gaze turned downward and his ears flattened. “So... you finally know about that, huh?”

“Yeah. I’ve been in plenty of fights, but choking a pony to near death? What the hell, Lock? Why would you do that?” Big Shot asked, concern in his eyes.

“I lost control of myself, okay? That’s all you need to know.” He shifted uncomfortably in Big’s grip.

“Losing control doesn’t mean attempted murder!” Big shouted, shaking Lockheart. “And not telling me, your best friend, is also a big problem!”

“Would you have even wanted to be my friend anymore if you’d known about that?” Lock snapped, pushing Big’s forelegs off of him.

“It’s not like I have much of a choice,” Big spat back. “Now I see how much you apparently trust me.”

“Please, as if you trust me,” he drawled, looking Big dead in the eye. “You don’t have a single reason to trust me.”

“Have you really given me one?” Big’s face was blank.

He sighed and admitted, “No. I really haven’t. And what do you want me to do about that, exactly?”

“I don’t know. Maybe tell me more about yourself. Most of the time you keep everything bottled up. Try it my way. Open book!” Big’s cheery smile was about as cheesy as they come.

Lockheart cracked a small smile. “Okay, fun fact number one about me: I’m scared to death of bees. That a good start, big guy?”

“There we go,” Big said, patting Lock roughly on the back. “Baby steps. Next we’ll move on to why you have insecurity issues and why you fill that empty hole in your life with sex.”

“I have no such thing,” he said firmly, brushing himself off.

“Nope, there’s a hole in there as low as your dignity,” Big explained. “And you’re filling it up to the brim with hormonal juices and the like.”

“Whatever,” he mumbled, flicking his tail. “Are we going home now? It’s getting late, we both got our rocks off, and I’m tired.”

“Sure thing buddy, sure thing.”

The two friends departed, putting behind them one hectic day. A day of disfiguring accidents, fights with each other, and stuffing their dignity in a corner in the name of clopping. A hectic day, but a fairly normal one as far as they were concerned.

Day 32: Taking The Plunge (Part 1)

Saturday night. A night for fun, partying, raging orgies of drugs and dancing bodies at the club and the partaking of alcohol the typical norm for many teenage ponies, or so Big assumed. In Big’s case, it meant sitting at home watching television while having a small snack. And that’s the way he liked it.

Big Shot learned early on in life that he wasn’t cut out to be a social pony. Partly because he scared off ponies with his rather large presence, partly because he was awkward to talk to. Many saw that as shyness, but he just preferred not to talk if there was no incentive for it.

At that moment he was flipping through the channels in an absent manner, bored slightly with nothing good on. He munched on some chips, barely noticing how he was nearly out. He knew his mom would chew him out eventually for that, but she and his dad were out of town for the weekend, so he didn’t really give a damn. Yes, just a typical, dull Saturday night.

And that’s when there was a knock on the door. It was to a certain tune - a common one from childhood. Olly olly oxen free. He groaned; it was the signal of a certain unicorn to let Big know it was him. He slipped off his couch and trudged to the door, both thankful for the release from boredom and hating the universe for the form of his deliverance.

“Heya, buddy!” Lockheart said cheerily. “So, your parents are out of town for the weekend, yes?”

“Yeah. Watcha need?” Big asked hesitantly, not liking where this conversation was going.

“Oh, just a spot of fun,” he said as innocently as he could manage, suddenly sprouting a Trottingham accent. “I want to get away from my parents, you’re probably bored out of your skull.”

“This won’t be a spot of fun that involves us running from a mob of angry pegasi like two weeks ago, is it?” Big Shot shivered from the memory. Barely managed to get out of that one with their lives, and knees not beaten with lead pipes.

“Hey, you wanted to try out that unfinished rainbow gunk as food just as much as I wanted to swipe some for lube,” he said defensively, crossing his forelegs.

“That rainbow gunk nearly burned my tongue off, so you should be thanking me I stopped you from using it on your schlong,” Big said, remembering the event with despair. He couldn’t taste anything for three whole days after that. “Plus, you had to make it worse by groping that one pegasus, which I might add was one of your stupider ideas at the time we were escaping. You’re lucky I didn’t trip you over to get trampled back there.”

“A plot like that only comes along once every few generations,” he said with a huff, turning his nose up. “Besides, we got out just fine, didn’t we?”

“If by fine, you mean me finding broken pieces of glass in my ass the next day, then yes. It was hunky fucking dory.” Big Shot remembered one important factor at that moment, the reason why Lock was here. “Going off topic aside, I’m pretty sure you need me for something.”

“Can’t I hang out with my best friend without ulterior motives?” the unicorn asked coyly.

The silence in the air and the cricket chirping conveniently in the background was a good enough answer.

“Fine,” he sighed. “I’m going on a date tonight, and I need your help. Before you say it, no, I’m not asking you for a threesome.”

“Well then, too bad, because I don’t do wingpony,” he replied, pulling the door closed.

Lockheart stuck his hoof in the door. “Not to be my wingpony! I need you to go out on a double date with me. I’ve got two mares lined up for us.”

“And yet my answer is still no. What a shocker. Now if you don’t want your hoof cut off, remove it from the door’s path or I may slam it on you.”

“Big, you don’t understand,” he said, keeping his hoof where it is. “These mares are hot as dragon’s breath. They are hot as unprocessed rainbow. You will not regret this, trust me!”

“Yet I’m already regretting starting this conversation,” he said, rolling his eyes. “And we just started the whole trust thing. You’re still in the untrustworthy phase. Jump up a level and then we’ll talk.”

“I tried to kill Checkered Flag because I thought he was the one who gave me that rash!” Lockheart blurted out.

“... and this is exactly why Apple Bloom doesn’t want me hanging out with you. Ever heard about going to a shrink or something. I know a pretty good one.”

“I don’t need he-” His words died in his throat. “Wait, how do you know a shrink?” He peeked in through the crack in the door, his one visible eye widened in surprise.

“Oh for fuck’s sake! Where do you think I go every Thursday afternoon?” Big shouted accusingly.

“You don’t seem to care where I go every Sunday morning,” he shot back.

“I go to church on Sunday morning, so of course I don’t know where you go. Wait... fucking damnit, we steered the conversation off course again! Let’s go back a few steps.”

Lockheart sighed. “Okay. I have a double date arranged. I’d like you to come with me to take my date’s friend.”

“Try and guess what my answer is going to be again?” he taunted. “It starts with an h and ends in an o. Hell no!”

The unicorn groaned. “Why in the name of Luna’s black-furred moon do I need to convince you to go out on a hot date?!”

“Hmm, let me list them off for you. One, I still don’t know if the date is actually hot; two, it involves being in your presence when you’re in that douchebag mode you put on for dates; three, I’m still more interested in Scootaloo; and four, I’ve been getting strange wet dreams of Apple Bloom... I now realize I shouldn’t have told you that.” Facehoofing forcibly with both hooves was the rightly deserved punishment for him, and his now sore forehead.

“For the love of all that is holy, you have to elaborate!” Big’s forehooves being preoccupied, Lockheart slipped through the door with an excited grin on his face.

“See, this is why you need therapy. Trying to learn more about somepony’s wet dreams is not normal, and creepy beyond comparison,” Big said, his forelegs folded in defiance. “Besides, you’re the reason I’m even getting these dreams in the first place. I haven’t been able to get that image of Pina and Bloom together out of my head no matter what I do!”

“How is that my fault? I didn’t know that Pina would do that!” he protested. “I mean, sure, I knew she did do that, but I thought she might get the hint ‘I do not want you to molest one of my friends.’”

“You gave no such hint!” he accused. “For all I know the same thing could happen to me on the date if I go with you!”

“Look, I don’t know these mares as well, I admit that,” he said hastily. “But I highly doubt either of them are as loose or as forceful as Pina. Besides, would you really complain if you got laid?”

Big Shot opened his mouth to rebuke, but closed it suddenly after a couple of seconds of silent thinking. His eyes grew wide, and he slammed the door, walking down the path out of his house’s front lawn. “I ain’t buying dinner,” he called over his shoulder at Lockheart.

“Fine, dinner’s on me, Big Plot!” he shouted back, galloping after him.

Big Shot rolled his eyes and followed with dread, already regretting his decision.

Day 1: Welcome (Back) To Hell

“Oh Scootaloo, you have one fine, sexy plot there,” Big Shot whispered into the orange mare’s ear, nibbling it playfully.

“Big Shot, you’re the sexiest stallion alive. I just want to have endless sex with you and please you in every way possible,” she swooned, her cheeks red, much like the rest of her body.

“Slow down, Scoots, I’m a stallion, not a machine,” Big Shot replied, rubbing her toned plot with his hoof.

“You sure do fuck like one, big guy.” Scootaloo began to gently lick at Big Shot’s neck, slowly moving down his totally ripped abs. Near where his dick is, she cried, “Holy Celestia, it’s huge!”

“Yeah, I thought you’d like it,” Big Shot said.

“I don’t even know if I can fit it all in me.”

“Don’t worry baby, Big Shot is here to take care of you.” He grabbed her head and kissed her passionately, his tongue working with hers in a saliva riddled dance of appendages. Releasing her from the kiss, Scootaloo stared deeply into his eyes. Her own purple irises captivated him, while her scent of dew covered roses sent his member alight with barely contained lust.

Seeing how his dick was harder than a diamond, Scootaloo licked her lips and moved in for the most anticipated moment of Big Shot’s life. It was then that his alarm clock rang.

“Fucking damnit!” Big Shot shouted, grabbing his alarm clock and slamming into the wall as hard as he could. Just when his dream was getting good. “Why do I even have it on? It’s not like I have to go anywhere.”

Big Shot was left with two choices: go back to bed, or put the remnants of his dream and his morning wood to good use for a quick fap in his bathroom. Then it hit him.

“Oh shit, school’s gonna start!” He jumped out of bed and made his way through the minefield of junk and other unwanted items scattered throughout his room. He slipped into the bathroom and slammed the door.

What greeted him in the mirror was the face he’d been dreading to see each morning for as long as he could remember. He had to slouch a bit to get a better look at himself, but the end result was the same. Chubby brown cheeks, an unkempt green and gray mane spiking off into different directions, and a greasy coat. What made it all worse was the huge wad of gut hanging off him, which he desperately tried to suck in to try and hide the fact he’s a fatso. Satisfied that his stomach wasn’t too revealing, he went off to his first day of school, not even brushing his teeth or combing his mane.

Getting downstairs he quickly yelled over his shoulder, “Mom, dad, first day of school! Bye, love ya and the rest of that shit!” Before either one of his parents could reply he was already out the door, racing to the distant building labeled Ponyville High School.

“Come one *huff* Big Shot, you *huff* can make it,” he whispered to himself between breaths. “Shit, shouldn’t *huff* do this stuff so early.”

Finally reaching the school gates, and in a grand act of drama, he fell to the ground and started gulping in air like a really, really overweight fish out of water. Covered in a layer of sweat and other... excretions, he certainly wasn’t the perfect picture of what a presentable student should look like at school.

“You forgot what day it was, didn’t you?” a male voice said in front of him.

“I’m late, aren’t I?” Big Shot asked, wiping as much sweat as he could from his forehead.

He didn’t even have to look to know that his friend rolled his eyes. “In other news, the sky is blue, grass is green, and Celestia has a big plot.”

“Thanks, mister sarcasm. Now, be a dear, and help me up.”

“Of course, dear,” the voice sneered as he was gripped with a lime green aura of magic and lifted to his hooves.

In front of him was a young unicorn stallion, same age as him. His frame was skinny, almost skeletal, his ice blue fur hugging to his bones like a clingy marefriend. He wiped a lock of his blonde mane out of his face as he looked at Big Shot over the rim of his glasses with those lime green eyes of his, a smirk on his face as always.

“Damnit, Lockheart, how many times have I told you I hate it when you use magic on me,” Big Shot said, dusting off dirt from his coat.

“What, do you expect me to pick you up by hoof, Big Plot?” he teased, smiling wider and arching an eyebrow.

“How about I squeeze your bulbous head under my rump instead,” Big Shot replied, definitely not in the mood for Lockheart’s usual teasing of his weight.

“Oh, kinky,” Lockheart purred, turning around and practically prancing toward the front door of the school, showing off his cutie mark: a pink heart with a pitch black keyhole in the center.

Blushing slightly, Big Shot struggled to catch up with the fleet hoof unicorn. Big’s strides may have been bigger, but Lockheart sure can make haste on those skinny legs of his. “Hey, dumbass, wait up!”

“Fine, fine, I’ll wait up for you, slowpoke,” Lock said with a giggle as he slowed down.

Gasping for breath yet again, Big Shot leaned against one of the lockers in the hallway. “Know what classes we got for first period?”

“Don’t remember your own schedule? Tut tut, Big Shot,” he chuckled. “But history is first period, just so you know.”

“Seriously, dude, sarcasm should be your middle name or something. There’s so much hanging around you I can practically taste it.”

Lockheart giggled, smiling his Cheshire cat smile even wider. “Like how I can smell that wet dream on you? Did you even bother to get a shower?”

Big Shot blushed brighter. “First off, my shower routine is not involved any way, shape or form with you. Secondly, how the fuck can you smell that? You some type of dog pony hybrid?”

“Big Shot, you know me; I know the smell of aroused stallions quite intimately,” he giggled.

“Yep, school hasn’t even started and you’re creeping the shit outta me. Keep your sex life out of the conversation for once in your life.”

“But then I wouldn’t be me,” Lockheart gasped, feigning horror. “And everypony loves me!”

“That is a lie and you know it,” Big Shot said, rolling his eyes. “Sheesh, you call me perverted, yet you can’t go five minutes without yapping about whose hole you fucked the other night.”

“Yes, yes, I know, I have quite a few enemies,” the unicorn said with a dismissive wave of his hoof. He leaned in and whispered, “It was Peachy Pie’s the other night, by the way.”

“Isn’t she that one chick with the nickname ‘Cum Dumpster’?” he asked.

“She lives up to her name, and that’s all I’ll say on the matter,” Lock said with a wink.

“Ooof course you will. At least don’t mention it during lunch. I prefer not to think of some mare making one of the worst mistakes of her life while eating,” he said, stepping to the side to get his comfort zone back from Lockheart’s intrusive reach.

“Oh, you wound me, Big,” Lock sighed dramatically, thankfully not stepping forward to burst his friend’s personal bubble for the billionth time. “I’m not that bad a guy, you know. And not that bad a lay, either.”

“For the last time, Lockheart!” Big shouted, ignoring the strange stares from the other students. “I will not sleep with you! I would rather get fucked by a manticore than that pathetic little shrimpwad you call a penis anyday.”

Lockheart looked around at the other students who had heard that outburst. “Look,” he said with a hint of a hiss, “we’ve been over this. I’m just teasing, Big. I gave up on getting your plump plot in my bed years ago.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to know you’re teasing? You’re sarcastic half the time and dead serious the next minute! It’s confusing as hell!”

The unicorn’s smile widened and his eyes glinted, his face that of a predator about to pounce. “You’re cute when you’re mad, you know that?”

“... that’s it, why don’t you just-” His voice trailed off at the sight that always stopped his brain dead in its tracks.. Scootaloo, a name an angel would have, was passing by them in the hallway. Her beautiful purple mane seemed to sway in some nonexistent breeze. Her long, slender legs moved up and down, toned from years of athletic training. And of course, her toned, perfectly shaped plot only made her better to look at. Oh, how Big wanted to lick her cutie mark of a winged tire more than anything in the world. A small strand of drool began to fall from his lips.

“Wow, you’re literally drooling over her now. You’ve got the hots for that mare bad,” Lockheart said with a mix of amazement and amusement, snapping Big out of his trance.

“Well, I-I, um, yeah, something like that,” he mumbled, still sneaking quick glances at the mare of his dreams. “I mean, she’s okay, I guess.”

“Okay? Big, she’s hotter than a dragon’s lungs and one of the biggest athletes in the school. She is way out of your league, my friend.”

“Well, um, I still have a shot if I try! They don’t call me Big Shot for nothing!” he said, standing tall and proud.

And there was Lockheart, ready to deflate him like a balloon. “Yeah, as in ‘shot out of the sky,’” he drawled.

Big Shot glared daggers at him. “Wow, thanks for that encouragement. Really helped me out there.”

“I live to please,” he snickered. “In all seriousness, better just enjoy her plot from afar. She’s out of pretty much everypony’s league and she doesn’t even know it.”

“Well, my old man said if you want something bad enough, it’ll eventually be yours. Or you die in the process. He wasn’t really specific on which one.”

“Yeah, Scootaloo? She’d eat you alive,” he deadpanned. “She’d eat you alive with whipped cream, Big.”

“How the hell would you know?” he asked, curiosity traced into every word he spoke.

“Let’s just say I asked her out over the summer and I discovered she’s a mare with standards and leave it at that,” he explained, a rare emotion coming over his face: nervousness.

“W-what! Dude, why didn’t you tell me?” Big grabbed his slender friend and pulled him in close. “You knew I had the hots for her!”

“Because I don’t exactly like to dwell on my embarrassing failures,” he said with a groan.

“Failures? If that was it then you’d have nothing to talk about,” Big joked, satisfied the apple of his eye was still available. And boy was he enjoying checking out that apple’s curves.

“Oh ha ha, very funny,” Lockheart said with a roll of his eyes, lightly pushing Big away and dusting off his coat. “If you want to go after her, by all means. But let’s not kid ourselves, Big: If I can’t get a mare, the chances of you getting her are pretty slim.”

“Hopefully not as slim as your skinny ass.” Big cracked his neck and began to mentally psych himself. “Besides, if she doesn’t want to go out with a total slimeball like yourself, all the better chance of me getting her with my natural good looks and coltish charm.” Big made a headway for the pegasus, a skip in his step all the way.

Scootaloo had stopped to talk with her longtime friend, Sweetie Belle. She was very pretty in her own right, and a gorgeous singer, but not really Big’s thing. Neither of them seemed to notice him as he approached.

Finally reaching the two mares, Big realized a crucial flaw in his plan. Cold hooves to be exact. He couldn’t move and sweat began to pour like Neighagara Falls down his forehead. His breathing increased exponentially, his pupils shrunk into pinpricks, and he was instantly regretting not taking a shower that morning. The only words he could manage to speak from his incredibly dry throat were a series of grunts and other odd sounds.

Sweetie Belle stopped her conversation with the orange goddess in mortal form and silently pointed to Big Shot. Scootaloo turned to look at him. “Hm? Oh, you’re...” She tapped her hoof to her chin. “Big Shot, right? Whaddya need?”

“I, duh, n-need, um, um ,um, thing now!” As quick as a flash he raced back to a facehoofing Lockheart. That big stallion really could move when prompted to.

“I have born witness to a fail monsoon,” the unicorn groaned, sliding his hoof down his face.

“S-shut up!” Big Shot cried as he began pacing nervously and avoiding the two mares’ gaze. “I-I just lost my nerve, that’s all! Next time I’ll have her for sure!”

Lockheart looked over to the pair of mares, his ears perking up at Sweetie Belle’s giggling. “Big, that’s what you say about every mare you try to talk to. It’s been that way for years, and will be for years to come. I think your only chance at this point is hoping that somepony our age is a chubby chaser and that she sets her eye on you.”

“No way man! I don’t need no handouts! I’m going to get Scootaloo to go out with me! Even if I die horribly in the process!” He stuck his hoof high in the air in an over dramatic pose. This forced Lockheart to facehoof once again.

“Sweet Celestia man, you aren’t just hopeless, hope is allergic to you,” the unicorn groaned. He sighed and set his hoof down again. “Look, do you need my help? I could give you some pointers if you really need them.”

“What, why would I need help from you? If I wanted pointers for picking up trash, fucking it until I’m done with it, and then dumping it in the gutter, then sure, I’ll come to you. But with Scootaloo I want an actual relationship. Not whatever you call it when you use ponies for your own pleasure.”

A flicker of what looked like genuine hurt flashed across Lockheart’s face, but it was gone in the blink of an eye. “Sure, whatever you say. Shoot for the stars; I’ll be here to laugh my plot off when you fall and pick you back up again, as always.”

Glancing at his friend, Big realized he may have gone too far. Gripping his shoulder and squeezing him in a friendly embrace (which nearly collapsed one of Lockheart’s lungs), Big rubbed Lock’s mane with a free hoof. “Okay, let’s drop all this crap and enjoy the first day of senior year. How does that sound, buddy?”

“Sounds great,” the unicorn gasped, “but air would be nice too...!”

“Whoops, nearly crushed a rib again, didn’t I?” Big released his friend, who was only too glad to suck in air like no tomorrow.

“Yes,” he rasped, letting out a few coughs. “If you do manage to land Scoots, I weep for her poor pelvis, man!”

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s just get to class and survive the rest of the day.” And with that the two vastly different friends made their way to their first class, a new year ahead of them with countless possibilities.

“Ugh, I swear, if I have to listen to Mrs. Matrix yap one more time about homework assignments due, I’m going to jam my pencil in her eye,” Big Shot grumbled, his head down on the counter at lunch.

“I think she’d look absolutely dashing with an eyepatch,” Lockheart snickered as he took a seat next to his friend, his voice turning so feminine it was a miracle his Y chromosome didn’t file for divorce.

“Cut the weird accent, I’m not in the mood. I just want to eat my lunch and get through the day.” Unfortunately for Big, in his haste to get to school he forgot his lunch at home. When he figured this out mock tears sprang from his green eyes. “Shit, I don’t have a lunch! Now I’m gonna starve!”

Lockheart grinned his cheshire grin. “Just take a pony outside and eat ‘em; Pina Colada looks pretty tasty today,” he teased.

“Yep, just as I thought, you couldn’t go the rest of the day without making a snarky comment. That’ll cost you one sandwich.” Big swiped the delectable sandwich from Lock’s side of the table and began to dig into it.

“You could’ve just asked, geez,” the unicorn chuckled as his horn glowed, a brownie levitating out of his lunchbox. “I’ll just be satisfying myself with this, thank you very much.”

In the blink of an eye the brownie disappeared. Suspicious brown crumbs could be seen on Big’s face, along with his lip smacking being another clear sign of how the brownie met its demise. “Weeeeell, I have to be going,” Big said, stretching his back. “See ya!”

“Oh no you don’t,” Lockheart said, holding his friend in place with magic. “You are not going to just eat and run.”

“That’s the general idea,” Big stated, pushing himself with a considerable amount of force through Lockheart’s magic hold on him and he started to make a run for the exit.

“You’re buying me another one after school, Big Plot!” his friend called after his receding back.

“When Celestia goes on a diet I will!” Big shouted back, laughing on his merry way. But as he was making his getaway, he crashed into a certain silver maned mare who just so happened to be in the path of the giant stallion. Picking himself up, he noticed that he didn’t hurt the mare that badly, just knocked into her was all. “Oh geez, sorry about that. Are you okay?”

“Just dandy,” Silver Spoon said, setting herself up straight. She perked up when she noticed who she bumped into. “Hey, you’re Lockheart’s friend, right? Big Plot, I think he said your name was.”

“Fucking damnit, now he’s spreading that nickname around!” Big facehoofed and shook his head to clear the burning anger rising in his gut. “The name’s Big Shot, and yes, you could call me the friend of Lockheart,” he said, brushing dust off his coat. “Some friends he is,” he whispered under his breath.

“Sorry, Big Shot,” Silver Spoon said, either not noticing or caring about his frustration and not sounding the least bit remorseful. “Could you do me a favor and remind him of my date with him this weekend next time you see him? His memory has more holes than a changeling’s leg, I swear.”

“Sure, sure, I’ll make sure to remind him,” Big Shot said with false sympathy. Returning to the table, he slapped Lockheart on his back. “Hey, your whorefriend asked me to remind you about the date you have with her this weekend.”

“You’re going to have to be more specific,” Lockheart said, not sounding the tiniest bit aware of how awful that sounded.

“You know, that chick with the glasses. Silver Spoon I believe.”

“Ah, right, good old Spoony,” he chuckled, flicking his tail. “Smart girl, bit of a jerk, have yet to see if she’s a good lay.”

“Wow, you’re dating a mare and you haven’t even been in her bed in the first five minutes. That must be a new record for you,” Big said, staring absently at his hoof.

“Special case. She’s trying to make her on again, off again marefriend jealous,” Lock explained, sounding infinitely more interested in what he was saying than Big Shot was. “It’s purely for appearances, but I hope to get something out of the arrangement when all is said and done.”

“You know you’re one sick fuck, right?”

“Quite frankly, you have no idea,” Lockheart chuckled, smiling so wide he threatened to swallow his own head.

“Dude, you could out smile Pinkie Pie in a creepy smile contest with that twisted grin of yours.” Big slid a couple of feet away from his maniacal looking friend, avoiding eye contact just in case.

Lockheart let out a laugh, that thrice damned special laugh that made him sound like a resident of an insane asylum he could only make when he found something hilarious. “I’ll have to challenge her next time I see her. Would certainly be interesting.”

“Ugh, I’m still hungry,” Big complained, mock tears appearing in his eyes while he moaned and rubbed his belly. “Need food, nourishment. Anything!”

“Look, you already ate my sandwich and my brownie,” Lockheart said, his mad smile downgrading to his normal pompous one that somehow didn’t attract punches like a magnet. “What else can I do about that?”

“I’m a big stallion! Actually, I think I’m the tallest one at our school. Which means I need more fuel to go through my day. And as my friend, you are obligated to answer to my mooching needs.” Big’s pupils expanded to unnatural sizes until they touched the edges of his eyes. “Please?”

Lockheart stared into those puppy dog eyes long and hard before sighing. “You are way too adorable. Fine, but again, what can I do about that?”

“Use whatever dark magic you have with chicks to grab me some grub,” Big whispered in his ear, pointing a hoof at a table of mares.

The unicorn rolled his eyes and slipped off his seat. “Fine, but you owe me for making your plot bigger, Big Plot,” he mumbled as he trotted over to the table. With each step a familiar transformation took hold over the smooth talking cynic. His gait turned from the trudge of a stallion weary of having to work to move his legs to the confident swagger of a happy colt, his smile turned from one of smug aloofness to a charming grin, and the coldness in his eyes melted away. It always sent a scared shiver down Big Shot’s spine to see how his friend could change so easily. It felt unnatural.

“Good morning, ladies,” Lockheart greeted, his gravelly voice smoothed over.

Several of the mares returned the greeting, one certain Peachy Pie blushing profusely. “Good morning,” the yellow mare said back. “What do you want?”

“Oh, don’t be like that; I just wanted to say hi,” Lockheart purred, kissing Peachy Pie on the cheek and earning a squeak from her. “Though now that you mention it, I did have a favor to ask of you fine ladies.”

“What is it?” another one of the circle of friends asked, looking over the intruder warily.

“Well, you see, good old Big Plot over there stole my lunch again,” Lock said, jerking his head in Big Shot’s direction. “I was wondering if any of you mares would be so kind as to share anything you can spare with me?”

The mares started looking over their own lunches and handed over various food items that they didn’t want or thought they could live without. “You really need to stand up to him sometime, Lockheart,” one mare huffed. “No wonder you’re getting sick all the time if you keep skipping lunch.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” the unicorn assured as his horn glowed and he gathered their offerings. “Besides, I don’t want to end up a big blue stain on his plot, do I?” He snickered as he got a few giggles from the assembled mares. “Thank you very kindly, ladies. Have a nice day!” He trotted back over to Big Shot and set the food down, his charming facade evaporating faster than ice in a microwave. “You owe me.”

Big Shot only stared at the food, not even digging in. He was too busy giving Lockheart an evil glare.

“What? You did steal it,” the unicorn deadpanned. “I wasn’t lying. I just left out the fact I would’ve given it to you anyway.”

“Well, you didn’t have to embarrass me like that!” Big shouted. “Do you not know the meaning about the word discrete? You always do this! Making me look like some big, stupid, fat loser you hangout with over pity!” Big huffed and pouted, turning his back on the unicorn.

Lockheart sighed and trotted up to his friend’s side, nuzzling his cheek. “Big Shot, you are big, and you are fat. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. But you’re far from stupid, and you know it. Would I really give up my lunch to you every day if I just pitied you, anyway?”

A tint of red appeared on Big Shot’s cheeks, but he quickly shoved his friend off to avoid showing him that. “Personal space, man! And, well, thanks for that. I guess.” Seeing how nothing else could be said, Big started gobbling up his meal to fill in the awkward silence.

His friend just chuckled and sat across from him, watching him eat with crossed forelegs and those lime green eyes of his. It was more than a little creepy, all things considered, but many things Lockheart did were creepy.

Physical Education. The one class that Big Shot detested more than anything in the world. Even more than the most feared class in school. Calculus. But for Big, PE stood for something completely different: Pain Education.

“Oh dear Celestia this is torture,” Big moaned on his second lap around the track. All the other students had at least five laps done, while the large stallion was barely making his way past number two. And to make matters worse, Lockheart decided to motivate him in his own special way.

The unicorn slowed down a bit to allow Big Shot to catch up. Lockheart wasn’t exactly a speed demon either, thanks to his sickly body, but he was still ahead of his friend. “Come on, Big Plot, I could pick up five mares in the time it’d take you to do a lap,” he taunted.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t see you showing off at the weights,” Big Shot grunted. While Big certainly wasn’t the most athletic pony, he did make it up in his strength. Heavy weight were no problem to him, but for a skinny skeleton like Lockheart, he could barely lift anything close to Big’s level.

“Please,” he scoffed, “unicorns don’t need to learn to lift. We have magic for that junk.”

“That kind of talk will lead to no good. One of these days you won’t be able to depend on your fancy pancy magic. Then you’ll see what us regular ponies have to go through.” An overeager pegasus zoomed by them, nearly hitting Big in the process. “Hey asshole, you left your eyes at home or something?”

“Yeah, and someday my balls will shrivel up into old blueberries,” Lockheart said with a roll of his eyes. “But that day ain’t today. Pick up the pace or I’ll start fighting dirty.”

“Well, you’re already dirty from all the filth you pick up each day,” Big said, a smirk playing on his lips. “Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if-” The sentence stopped dead in its tracks as Big was knocked over from a speedy figure that just passed by. “Fucking fuck to the tenth power of fuck! I’m gonna strangle that flying chicken!”

“And then eat him, right?” Lock teased with a flick of his tail.

“More like shove him up your ass,” Big snapped at his friend.

Lockheart just let out a little aroused pur and wriggled his hips. “Another pegasus incoming, by the way.”

“What? Oh fu-” Yet again, Big landed face first on the track as that same troublesome pegasus flew past him. Laying on the ground for a few seconds, Big picked himself up and shouted at the top of his lungs, “That’s it! Come right back over here you motherfucking asshole so I can rip your wings off and shove them down your motherfucking throat!”

The pegasus skidded to a halt on the ground and was in Big Shot’s face in seconds. “The fuck you say to me, fatty?” Rumble growled, his purple eyes boring into Big’s.

“What, you forgot your ears at home too? The gist of it was that I’ll beat your snot nosed face if you knock me over again you shit brained twerp,” Big said.

Rumble shrunk back, Big Shot’s full height, weight and strength registering in his brain. He looked around to see other students slowing down to see what was going on, so he narrowed his eyes and stood his ground. “I’d like to see you try, fatass!” he challenged.

“Oh, I’m going to enjoy this,” Big said, a very rare devious smile creeping across his face. Towering over the much smaller pegasus, he cracked both his hooves, the sound making Rumble flinch in terror.

“As much as I’d like to see you two pound the tar out of each other,” Lockheart drawled stepping between them, “Big Shot, you can’t afford to get suspended on the first day of school.”

“Ha, hear that? Your prissy little mommy’s here to save your sorry plot,” Rumble said with a smirk, his confidence returning.

Lockheart popped that confidence like a balloon, like he was so fond of doing. “Should I tell your marefriend about that one night you and I shared last year, Rumble?”

“Oooooh, burn!” Big shouted behind Lockheart’s back.

Rumble’s eyes scanned his surroundings incase any other pony heard that. Seeing how there was no other way out, Rumble trotted away, Big yelling at him, “Yeah, you better walk away you little punk!”

Lockheart snickered and turned to his friend. “You okay, big guy? That fall didn’t hurt you too bad, I hope.”

“Nah, it’s all good. That squirt is lucky you came along or else I would’ve smashed his head so hard against the ground even the janitor won’t be able to scrape his brain from the track. Guess you sleeping with everything that has a hole is actually paying off. Didn’t even know that guy was gay.”

“You wouldn’t believe how many ponies are in the closet,” Lockheart said with a wink. “I just have a standing offer out there to satisfy their needs without making them leave it.”

“Yep, alls well that ends well. Now, let’s get going so this day will finally be over.”

“You have to get in gear, first; two laps to go!” the unicorn chided, whipping his friend’s fat plot with his tail as he scampered off before he could get punched.

“Damn you and your skinniness. You know nothing of my troubles,” the stallion complained, hustling and bustling to move at what could be considered a slightly higher speed than a snail’s pace.

After the final bell in physics class, the flood of teenage ponies spilled out of the school, the assembling horde ready to strike chaos and fear in the hearts of adults, or smoke weed and sniff glue from a paper bag behind a dumpster. For some reason the second option was more popular.

The duo of friends were finally free, and Big was certainly in a chipper mood. “Done with school! And this year my classes aren’t even that bad. I have all of them with you, and most of my teachers aren’t complete assholes. Yep, this is gonna be a great year.”

“Aw, I’m flattered,” Lockheart giggled, his laugh sapping all the masculinity out of the surrounding area. “You consider being around me a good thing after all!”

Realizing that he had no comeback to that one, Big decided to discreetly change the subject. “This is the year I’ll get Scootaloo! I can feel it!”

“Yes, yes, yes, I’ve heard it all before,” his friend sighed. “Quite honestly, I have a better chance of banging Princess Luna herself.”

“You see, that’s the difference between you and me. I’m optimistic and you’re just your usual pessimistic, cynical bastard self. Try and guess which one will get you farther in life?”

“Assuming I’ll live very long with my health,” Lockheart mumbled bitterly.

“See, that’s what I’m talking about! Pessimistic attitude will always hold you down.” Big grabbed Lockheart in a spine breaking pat on the shoulder. “Let optimism into your life and your entire outlook on everything will definitely improve. You know what I’m saying?”

“So you keep saying,” the unicorn grumbled. “Good luck breaking me of that habit.”

“Wow, you’re like a broken record. At any rate, we have a couple of hours to kill. Got any ideas?”

His friend hummed in thought, looking up at nothing in particular, as if the answer were in the sky. “Well, you did eat my brownie at lunch today. I know your cheap ass isn’t going to pay for it, but we could go buy sweets at Sugarcube Corner. Miss Pie’s plot is always something nice to see, anyway.”

Big’s eyes widened in fear at the prospect of what his friend said. “But dude, you know that crazy mare gives me the creeps. It’s like someone injected chocolate flavored crack into her bloodstream.”

“Which is part of her charm. Her mad, borderline psychotic charm,” he said, a bit hesitant. “Still, nice plot to look at, plenty of sweets for cheap. What more could you want, Big?”

“The borderline psychotic charm is one of the problems. The fact that she stuffs a cupcake down my throat every time I go over there is another. Just because I’m fat she thinks I’ll just love anything she gives me.”

“Fine, fine, what about Bon Bon’s shop?” he suggested.

“That’s where that other psycho is. You know, her marefriend, Lyra I believe. She’s nuttier than a jar of pistachios. Going on about human this, hands that. And have you seen the way she sits? I didn’t even know a pony’s back could bend like that,” Big said.

“Yes, I have to admit how she goes on about those mythical creatures is a bit strange,” Lockheart admitted, “but hey, weird is the spice of life, and at least she doesn’t force feed you anything.”

“Fine, we’ll go there,” Big Shot grumbled, “but if starts spouting off about humans again, I’m leaving.” And so the dynamic duo made their way to Bon Bon’s sweet shop, close to their school. Then again, in a small town like Ponyville, everything was close by. After only a few blocks of walking they arrived at their destination, a sweet little shop with a sign stating ‘Bon Appetit’ up high for everypony to observe. Big was hesitant to enter, knowing full well what he wanted to avoid were behind those doors.

Lockheart rolled his eyes at his friend’s hesitation and walked inside, his demeanor changing once again to his more charming persona he always used around adults. “Good afternoon, Miss Bon Bon,” he greeted.

“Why hello Lockheart,” Bon Bon replied from behind the counter, giving the two teenagers her best greeter’s smile. “And I see you’ve brought your friend Big Shot. You two looking for some treats today?”

“Of course; I need to fatten him up enough to eat him for Hearth’s Warming, after all,” the unicorn teased, bumping his hip against Big Shot’s.

“Keep the insults at a minimum and I won’t have to knock all your teeth out,” Big whispered in his friend’s ear.

“I meant that affectionately,” he purred in return with a furtive wink before talking to Bon Bon again. “I’ll take a chocolate bar, please.”

“I would like a banana nut crunch bar,” Big said. Suddenly, his attention was attracted to a light aquamarine color outside his vision. And only one pony he knew had that color coat.

“Hey, good afternoon, boys!” Lyra greeted as she trotted down the stairs.

“Good afternoon, Miss Lyra,” Lockheart responded with a polite bow-like nod.

“Here you go, boys.” Bon Bon placed the bag filled with their goodies on the counter. While Lockheart went up to pay, Big Shot tried in vain to avoid eye contact with the unicorn mare. Unfortunately for him, his attempts failed.

“How’ve you been doing, Big Shot?” Lyra asked, oblivious to how uncomfortable he was. “You haven’t shopped here in a while.”

“Well, you know. Busy at home, and with school and all my schedule is packed.” Big began scooting over to increase his personal space that the mare was quickly eating.

“Aw, too bad. It’s always nice to see what the teens are up to around here,” Lyra said.

Lock let out a small scoff that said “You don’t wanna know, lady.” Lyra couldn’t speak Lockheart, however, so she didn’t pick that up.

“Well, it’s been so wonderful meeting you fine ladies, but we must really get going. Have a nice day!” Big said, pushing Lockheart with his muzzle to the door.

Lockheart let out an unusually cute squeak at the sudden pressure on his plot as he was pushed out. “Oh, okay, see you later!” Lyra said with a wave as they exited back into the cool autumn air.

“Whew, that was a close one. Nearly had to listen to her lecture on about another one of her crazy topics. Am I right Lockheart?” However, his friend was too busy giggling and arching his eyebrows in a seductive way to his friend to answer.

“Like it back there?” the unicorn teased, wiggling his plot in his friend’s face.

“S-shut up! The only reason I touched your disgusting plot was to get us the heck outta there. Now, let’s eat our treats and never speak of this again,” Big replied, blushing considerably.

“Disgusting?” Lockheart scoffed, his ear twitching as he handed Big Shot his banana nut bar. “I keep myself very clean back there, thank you very much.”

“Oh really? Even accounting all those slongs and balls that smack it twenty four seven?”

“I wash it every morning,” he huffed, raising his nose and closing his eyes in pride. “I can’t exactly walk around town smelling like jizz, can I?”

“Ugh, let’s get off the topic of whatever you do in your bedroom,” Big said, rubbing his temples in aggravation.

“For now,” Lockheart said with a smirk as he took his chocolate bar out and bit into it. “We always go back to it.”

“Whatever,” Big grunted, biting into his own sugary delight and reveling in its taste. The two friends shared this moment of silence, an almost innocent stretch of time where they enjoyed each other’s company while eating sweets. That, of course, did not last long.

“Hey, Big Plot! Whoreheart!” a female voice called out, shattering the content silence more efficiently than a hammer through a window.

Lockheart groaned. “Brace for impact,” he mumbled, looking over to the source down the street.

“Come on! How does everyone know that nickname? I’m going to give that jackass a piece of my mind.” But before he could make due on his threat, Big stopped in his tracks at one of the only things that could scare him.

Walking down the street was the high bitch queen herself, Diamond Tiara. That day’s set of lackeys - she always seemed to switch them out each day as if she collected them - were the mares Coronet and Royal Blue, the pair of henchmares snickering at what they probably thought was a sick burn from their leader.

“Stuffing your faces again, I see,” Diamond Tiara huffed with a smug smile as she approached.

“Um, well, I was just eating and...” Big’s throat sealed up and he gulped, desperate for a way out of the shedevil’s attention.

“And what? All you do is eat, you tub of lard,” Diamond Tiara said with a devious smile. That’s probably what Big Shot hated about her more than anything else: she thought she was wittier than she actually was.

“Says the mare who has seen more carrotsticks and stuck them in her rabbit hole than any single bunny alive,” Lockheart shot back, his voice deathly calm.

“Hey, look who’s talking,” Royal Blue stepped in. “You’re just a big slut who can’t hold down a colt or marefriend for more than a month!”

“Hey, you guys, can’t we all get along?” Big asked.

“Oh, yes, why don’t we all just sit together and bond over a tea party?” Diamond Tiara asked with a roll of her eyes. “Shove it, Big Shot. You need to get Whoreheart’s balls out of your mouth and grow a pair of your own.”

“Um, ah, okay then,” Big Shot whimpered.

“Hey, don’t you talk to him like that,” Lockheart hissed, taking a step forward.

“Oh look, Whoreheart is getting protective of his precious coltfriend,” Diamond cooed in a voice so sickeningly sweet it gave the taste of arsenic laced sugar to all who heard it. “How cute.”

“He is not my coltfriend,” he snarled. “Though I’d rather stick my dick in his fat plot than your rancid marehood, Diamond.”

“Like I’d want it,” she scoffed. “You sleep around so much I’m surprised your balls haven’t exploded from all those STDs.”

“I am perfectly clean, dammit!” the unicorn shouted. A line had been crossed, and rage burned in his eyes.

“Whatever, Whoreheart,” Diamond brushed off with a wave of her hoof. “Big Shot, why don’t you just eat this waste of skin and fur already and put him out of everypony’s misery?”

“He’s probably already tried,” Coronet snickered.

“Hey, the cannibal jokes are my territory,” Lockheart sneered. “You back the fuck away, right now.”

“Or what?” Diamond asked, icy cold venom clear in her voice.

“Or I’ll shrink you down and crush you under my fucking hoof like the bug you are,” he snarled, his eyes narrowing behind his glasses.

The trio of mares burst into laughter. “You’re still going on about that?” Royal Blue asked, panting from hysterics. “You’re never going to perfect that spell, Whoreheart! You have a better chance of landing an actual relationship instead of the whoring around you call romance!”

Big realized what his friend was going at. “Dude, you’re not seriously thinking of doing that spell? The last time you did it I had to put your horn out with a fire extinguisher. And that’s not even accounting in the fact it took two months to regrow your hair! This won’t end well,” he whispered in the frustrated unicorn’s ear.

“I’ll perfect it one of these days, dammit!” Lockheart hissed back.

“Oh, we’re quaking in our horseshoes,” Coronet giggled.

“I’ll stand back here for now!” Big shouted from his safety zone fifteen feet away.

“Hey, get back over here, fatty!” Diamond shouted as she cantered over to him.

“I said back off,” Lockheart growled, getting in her path.

“Oh for Celestia’s sake, you know you can’t do jack against me, Whoreheart,” Diamond groaned. “One word from me to my dad, and your dad is out of a job.”

“Leave my dad out of this!” he shrieked, other ponies out and about on the town starting to notice the fight.

“Man, that pony really doesn’t know the meaning of discrete, does he?” Big asked himself, noticing the odd stares he and Lock were getting.

Diamond smirked. “Why should I?”

Snap went Lockheart’s self control. A grin forced its way onto his face like a parasite, spreading and engulfing it. It was a crooked, lopsided grin, the grin of the unhinged. “Because if you don’t, I’ll tear your fucking throat out with my teeth, bitch.”

“Um... Diamond, maybe we should back off,” Royal Blue suggested, taking a step back.

“Oh fuck, need to get damage control quick,” Big said, noticing his friend’s maniac like disposition.

“He... he wouldn’t,” Diamond said, her tone betraying her unease. “He’s just a bluffing little bug.”

“Oh, you know I’m not,” he giggled, taking a threatening step forward. “Everypony knows how I fucked up Checkered Flag two years ago. Want an encore, Diamond?”

“Hey, Lock, why don’t we go home now? I think your dad is worried about you. And you know how my parents get when I’m out late,” Big said, shaking his friend’s shoulder.

“Yeah, go home crying to your daddy,” Diamond Tiara sneered, confident thanks to her new ammunition.

Lockheart ground his teeth together and screwed his eyes shut. He let out a huff and wheeled around, trotting away from the trio of mares. “Let’s go, Big Shot.”

“A okay buddy. Be seeing you guys!” Before he left with his friend, a very immature thought crossed his mind. Grabbing the last of his banana nut bar, he threw its remains at Diamond Tiara, sticky banana chunks now in her mane.

His unicorn companion snickered as they heard a girly shriek behind them. “Nice,” he said simply, his manic grin fading.

“Well, today was certainly fun. Nearly starved at lunchtime, and I nearly beat up a twerp at PE. And now with that bitch Diamond confronting us like that. All on the first day of school too! This can only reflect what the rest of our year will be like.”

“Pure mania and trivial peril; sound good to me,” Lockheart snickered. “Not enough sex, though. If ‘enough sex’ is a thing that exists.”

“In your case ‘enough sex’ is a nonexistent phrase. But at least the day’s finally over,” Big noted.

“Yeah,” Lockheart said with a small sigh. Several seconds of silence passed as they walked when he asked, “Am I really that big of a slut, Big?”

“Am I really as fat as you say I am? That will be the answer to your question,” Big Shot replied, smirking slightly.

“Heh, fair enough.” Another few seconds passed before he added, “I think that the pudge really works for you, though.”

“Unfortunately for me, the female gender doesn’t think so. But I’m hoping to lose the weight soon enough.”

“Eh, I think you’re pretty cute the way you are,” Lockheart admitted, looking straight ahead. “But my opinion doesn’t count for much, I guess. I’m looser than the skin on your gut.”

“I won’t have a gut for long! See, I already have plenty of muscles. All I need to do is melt the fat off, and boom! Instant stud material!” Big Shot gloated, already imagining his new, awesome physique.

“I can already envision the mares lining up to fling their vagina at you,” he drawled with a roll of his eyes and a smile.

“Yeah, keep on saying that. But when I’m swimming in chicks and you have nothing, then we’ll see who’s laughing.”

“Heh, fat chance. I have a way with both sexes,” he chuckled. “Besides, I could get a steady relationship whenever I want... right?” Big Shot couldn’t tell whether Lockheart was asking his friend, himself, or both.

“Um, sure, you keep on telling yourself that,” Big said, not noticing his friend’s serious tone.

Lockheart’s ears flattened, but they came right back up again as he forced a smile. “Why don’t we take the school by storm instead? You lose that weight and get all the mares, I’ll continue to work my black magic on the stallions. Sound like a plan?”

“Whatever floats your perverted boat, buddy,” Big Shot said, “I get ass and you get dicks. I’ve heard of weirder plans, but whatever.”

“My plan is ingenious and you know it,” he teased, bumping his hip playfully against Big Shot’s as their houses came into view.

“Your last plan resulted in me getting a broken leg and you getting a fucktons of splinters shoved up your plot. And even then, you didn’t get the mare. Seriously, what was with those apple trees and shit just to get her to sleep with you?” Big asked.

“My mind works in mysterious ways,” he huffed. “Sometimes in ways so mysterious even I don’t fully understand it.”

“You’re just lucky Apple Bloom didn’t actually go through with that restraining order on you,” Big Shot joked.

“Good thing too. Just, wow, her accent is adorable and that plot of hers looks tight as hell from all the construction work she does all the time,” he said with a wistful sigh. “One of these days, man, I am bedding that country cutie.”

“Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but from what she’s told me, she thinks you’re creepy as hell. Plus, all she yaps on about is her marefriend Sweetie Belle.” Big’s eyes widened in shock and he slapped his forehead. “Damnit, I wasn’t supposed to tell anypony about that!”

“Ohhh, the plot thickens,” Lockheart purred, looking over to his friend with a smirk as they arrived at their front doors. “Sweet little Apple Bloom’s stable door swings that way, eh?”

“Dude, she made me promise not to tell anypony about that! Not even her friend Scootaloo!” Big shouted, freaking out.

“Calm down, calm down, you know that I’m at least good at keeping a secret,” the unicorn assured, patting his friend’s shoulder. “If she wants to stay in that closet, she can stay there. No concern of mine.”

“Thank Celestia. She doesn’t know how her sister would react. Plus, she’s afraid of what it would mean for her friendship with Scootaloo. Just keep quiet about it and we’re good. She’s cool to hang out with whenever we have a construction job, so I don’t want her to avoid me, okay.”

“Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, you’d have a better chance with the nice, friendly country gal who knows how to look past appearances instead of one of the biggest athlete mares of the town?” Lockheart deadpanned.

“Dude, she’s my friend. Not really marefriend material since I’m pretty much friendzoned. Plus, she already has a thing with Sweetie Belle. I don’t want to risk our friendship and her relationship like that,” Big said.

“Yeah, friendzoned,” his friend said with a roll of his eye at the term. “Anyway, shall we part ways? I’m eager to practice my magic again so I can finally cast that shrinking spell without setting something on fire.”

“Yeah, sure. Just keep a fire extinguisher at hoof,” Big teased.

“Yuck it up while you can. Once I get it working, look out Ponyville,” he purred with a smirk that could only mean trouble.

“I’ll alert the officials.” And with that the friends departed, both so vastly different that no one would even think the two stallions would even hang out with each other. But as one would think, opposites attract, or at least tolerate each other’s presence.

Big Shot counted to ten, and there was a loud bang and a yelp of pain from next door. Life was predictable, but good.

Day 17: Friendship Is What, Again? (Part 2)

The trio of ponies arrived near the heart of Ponyville, where Twilight’s library stood. The treehouse she called a home for herself and her profession hadn’t changed much, only growing a couple of inches in the past few years, since in its heart it was still a tree and would function as one. While the library was normally busy on a quiet afternoon, since many ponies usually checked by to read or study or just relax in the cozy interior, it was strangely empty that day. Taking no notice, the three friends were outside the door, Lockheart oddly giddy, Big on the verge of collapse, and Apple Bloom staying as far away from the weird unicorn as she could.

Lockheart knocked on the door. No answer came, but a commotion could be heard inside. He tilted his head and looked to Big Shot. “Isn’t the library open this time of day?”

“Yeah. Weird how they’d be closed. Guess there’s only one thing we can do.” Big turned around and walked off, only to come charging back banging on the door with all his might. “Anypony home in there?”

Apple Bloom clutched her hooves to her head in pain from his volume.

“Just a minute!” came the voice of Twilight Sparkle. The commotion inside got louder and louder, until several words could be made out every now and then. “You... not going... that’s final!”

“I don’t see why I can’t!” shouted a male voice from behind the door. “You’re smothering me like I’m a baby! Well newsflash, Twilight, I’m not a baby dragon anymore, so get over it!” The aggravated voice from behind the door was revealed when the door opened. The familiar face of Spike, Twilight’s number one assistant and resident bookkeeper, could be seen with a displeased frown. “What do you guys want?”

Big Shot never got used to exactly how big Spike had gotten over the years. While he wasn’t too big to make it through doors, he had certainly grown, though he did have to duck his head. His form was thin from years of doing little difficult physical labor, but the powerful muscles of a dragon still rippled under his scaly hide. His face had gotten narrower, more like a serpent due to losing his baby fat, and his eyes had turned into slits.

“I had a bit of a magic accident and was hoping Twilight could patch it up,” Lockheart said meekly, feigning pain. His persona had changed, but not to the one he used on adults. It was the one he used for seduction. Big Shot wanted to smack him in the back of the head, but held back the urge.

Spike blinked boredly, not the least bit interested in Lockheart’s plight or seduction technique. Calling over his shoulder, he yelled, “Hey Twilight, there’s some ponies here for you!”

Lockheart gave a pout that said “fine, be that way,” as Twilight’s hoofsteps could be heard approaching the door. “So sorry for the delay. What do you-” She gasped when she opened the door fully and got a good look at Lockheart. “Sweet Celestia, what happened to you?!”

The librarian had certainly changed over the years as well. She was in her mid twenties, and though she had gained a bit of weight from the lack of world-saving adventures for the past year or two, it went to all the right places in Big Shot’s opinion. She also sported a pair of horn-rimmed glasses that she likely thought looked stylish, but in reality made her look adorable in a dorky sort of way. Sexy librarian at its finest, and both Lock and Big Shot couldn’t help but let their eyes wander just a tad.

“Magic accident,” Lockheart said with a sigh. “Tried a Want It Need It charm and it exploded in my face.”

“And that shrink spell you’ve been doing for the last week certainly hasn’t helped,” Big Shot grumbled under his breath as he entered the book filled abode.

“Oh dear,” Twilight sighed. “Lockheart, I know you’re eager to get into advanced magic, but you’re just not at that level yet. You need to practice less complex spells first, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he responded, avoiding eye contact with her. He’d heard the same thing from her many, many times in the past. Big Shot was there for most of them. It was a lecture both of them were bored with.

“Come on in and I’ll get you patched up,” Twilight said, opening the door and stepping to the side for them to come in. “You’re free to stay if you want, Big Shot.” She blinked and looked over his shoulder. “Oh, Apple Bloom, are you with them too?”

“Um... yes, I am,” the farm pony answered hesitantly as she trotted inside after the pair of stallions.

“So, whose marefriend are you? The big one’s or the skinny one’s?” Spike asked, flipping through a comic book.

“N-neither!” Apple Bloom sputtered, her face growing as red as her namesake. “I’m just Big Shot’s friend, is all.”

“Aw, Apple Bloom, you break my heart,” Lockheart snickered.

Apple Bloom shot him a glare that said she wasn’t in the mood for any of his shit.

“Glad to see you’re making friends, Big Shot,” Twilight said with a soft smile as she perused her library of spell books, finally deciding on one with a green cover with the symbol for medical magic on the front.

“Yeah, friends...” Big Shot stared at Spike, who flopped lazily over a sofa. While he didn’t know the teenage dragon personally, he’s always had time for small talk and thought he was alright. And the heated argument he and Twilight just had was certainly an interesting topic. “Why were you guys yelling at each other?” Spike stiffened and sulked more into his comic book.

“Ah think that’s not the best thing ta ask, Big,” Apple Bloom whispered to him.

“Now, just hold still,” Twilight instructed as her horn glowed over Lockheart, the magic tome open in front of her as the young stallion’s horn began to grow back with the sickening squelch of re-growing bone and arteries.

“I want to go to high school. But Twilight won’t let me,” Spike spoke up, glaring his reptilian eyes full of contempt at Twilight’s direction.

She let out a sigh of the long suffering as she continued the healing process. “Spike, not in front of other ponies. It’s none of their business, and we don’t want them getting tangled in something between the two of us.”

“Well, they know now, so let’s involve them anyway,” Spike shot back. “Hey you guys. Wouldn’t it be way better if I went to an actual school, instead of being trapped in here all day?” he asked the assembled teens.

“You are not trapped,” Twilight said firmly.

“Ah don’t see why you shouldn’t come; a lot of ponies there are really nice,” Apple Bloom said, smiling at the big dragon.

“You sure you want to go? High school is full of freaks and weirdos, and you’re stuck with them. I should know, I’m one of them,” Lockheart half joked.

“Yeah, Lock, that’s a great confidence builder,” Big said to the smiling unicorn stallion. “No wonder others think you’re a joy to be around.”

“I brighten up every room I step into so much I’m mistaken for Celestia herself,” he said with a wistful sigh. “Though they figure out I’m not when my plot doesn’t have a gravitational field.”

“Okay, that’s enough sass out of you,” Twilight said with a poke to his nose as she finished up healing his horn.

“They usually figure that out when you open that stupid trap of yours,” Big muttered under his breath. Lockheart’s ego was certainly like the sun, big and at the center of his universe, with everyone else little planets circling around it. Big Shot was surprised his head didn’t snap off his neck already from the severe amount of swelling it received.

Apple Bloom snickered and whispered, “Nice one.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” he said with a bow before trotting into her bathroom.

Big finally spoke up when Lockheart entered the bathroom. “Okay, listen up,” Big said to Spike, a serious expression on his face. “High school is serious business. There’s going to be classes to go to, assholes to deal with, and all the usual shit teenagers deal with. You want to do that, fine. Go right ahead. I ain’t trying to sugarcoat it or something, because school can be rough. But there are friends there too.”

“Big Shot, I appreciate the fact you’re somepony with a good head on your shoulders, but watch your language,” the librarian chided as she put her book back.

“Friends like him?” Spike asked, pointing to the bathroom Lockheart entered.

Big facehoofed and said, “Besides him, there are other friends you can meet. Give it a shot if you want.”

Spike rubbed his chin in thought and turned to Twilight. “Can I, Twilight?” Spike asked, his pupils growing to three times their size. “Pretty please?”

The librarian looked into Spike’s puppy dog eyes before letting out a sigh. “Fine, go ahead. I’m just really worried that other ponies wouldn’t take to sharing classes with you very well. Not everypony is very nice, especially in high school.”

“Got that right,” Big Shot said, just as Lockheart walked out of the bathroom. He instantly noticed everyone giving him disapproving glares.

“What did I do this time?” he grumbled, hanging his head with a sigh. Backed in the corner, and he went for the pity points, as always.

“You know what you did. Just be glad no one filmed it!” Big joked, instantly earning a laugh from Spike and causing the two other mares to blush.

“Ha ha, very funny,” he said with a roll of his eyes as he trotted back to Big Shot’s side. “We have our whole weekend ahead of us. What do you wanna do, Big?”

“I dunno. Last week all we did was sneak into the Ponyville Spa and-” Noticing how there were two mares standing nearby and what he said next could possibly bite him back later, he chose his next words carefully. “-get relaxing back massages. Heh, heh, heh.”

Twilight cocked an eyebrow; she wasn’t buying it. Apple Bloom, bless her heart, was a trusting soul. “Oh, Ah didn’t know you were the sort of ponies who went to the spa.”

Lockheart smiled the way Big imagined a cat would after finding an unguarded bird’s nest. “Oh yes, we go there every now and then. Big Shot just loves joining me in the steam room, don’t you Big?”

“I swear on Celestia’s giant ass I will make you regret being born if you continue this conversation,” Big whispered through gritted teeth to Lockheart. And, of course, the maniacal unicorn wasn’t going to listen to him.

Lockheart bit his lip, as if he wanted to say something back but decided against it. Instead he said, “And he loves his hooficures, too, though the big guy always ruins them by the next day.”

“Oh really? Ah go there with Sweetie Belle every now and then,” Apple Bloom admitted. “Ah’ve never seen you two around, though.”

“Well, that’s because we go really early,” Big cut in. “Yeah, gotta get the early appointment and all that stuff.”

“Wow, I can’t believe you guys do all those girly things,” Spike teased, giggling slightly at the thought of the two ponies in front of him getting hooficures.

“You say girly, I say defying gender roles,” Lockheart said, sticking his nose in the air and flicking his tail.

“That’s a very good way to look at it,” Twilight said with a smile as she sorted some returned books. “You should really be less concerned with gender norms, Spike. I raised you better than that.”

“Yeah, if raised can be the right word for that,” Spike muttered under his breath, his tail whipping back and forth in an irritated manner.

“I heard that,” Twilight said flatly.

“Anyway, shall we be going? Don’t want to keep Aloe and Lotus waiting,” Lockheart said with a furtive wink to Big Shot.

“Um, yeah! We’ll be seeing you guys!” Big called out to Twilight and Spike as Apple Bloom and Lockheart departed. Twilight waved goodbye eagerly while all Spike could manage was a half hearted salute.

After they were safely out of earshot of the library, Lockheart snickered. “Oh, I’m going to hook up with that dragon even if it kills me.”

“Yeah, good luck with that,” Apple Bloom said with a roll of her eyes. “Spike isn’t really on the market.”

“Doesn’t he still have that crush on Rarity?” Big Shot asked.

“Rarity told him it just wasn’t gonna happen about a month ago,” Apple Bloom said. “Absolutely broke his heart.”

“So he’s on the rebound, then?” Lockheart asked, leaning in.

“You’re disgusting,” the farm pony spat, widening the distance between her and him.

“It’s part of my charm.”

“And that charm causes you to get restraining orders,” Big teased.

“I only have five so far,” the unicorn responded defensively.

“How in the hell did you get only five?” Apple Bloom asked, looking over Lockheart like it was impossible for him to exist.

“By a combination of persistence and being an annoying prick. Since he has plenty of both qualities laying around, I’m not surprised he doesn’t have more. Heck, I’m shocked you dropped your restraining order on him before it went through,” Big said to Apple Bloom.

“Ah realized he was too pathetic to slap one on ‘im,” she said with a dead straight face.

“Ooh, ouch,” Lockheart hissed with a flinch. “That’s cold, Apple Bloom.”

“It’s true.”

“And may the truth set you free, yada, yada, yada, forgetaboutit, let’s go!” Big hurriedly pushed his two acquaintances away from the library and into the open air of Ponyville. While many things about the small town were the same over the years, the term small couldn’t be used to describe it anymore. Bustling street corners and one of the biggest open markets in the region turned Ponyville into a thriving town with construction crews making new buildings, stores, and houses to accommodate the new expanded population.

Aloe and Lotus’ spa in particular had expanded to meet the demand. Being the first and only spa in a major boomtown, they quickly raked in the bits and expanded on their building. It was one of the biggest and most lucrative businesses in town, third only to the Carousel Boutique and the vastly expanded Sweet Apple Acres.

Neither of those other places had nearly as much potential for sexy shenanigans though, so guess which one was popular with teenagers.

“Psst, Lock, how are we going to go to the spa if Apple Bloom is following us?” Big whispered to Lockheart, eying Apple Bloom.

“I know a mare who can keep her distracted,” he whispered back as he held the front door for both of his companions with a bow. “Ladies first,” he teased.

“After you then,” Big teased, stepping to the side to let Apple Bloom through.

“Thank ya,” Apple Bloom said with a polite nod to Big Shot, ignoring Lockheart completely. The unicorn just rolled his eyes and ushered Big inside, holding the door open for a few adults before joining them in the spa lobby.

The spa was elegantly decorated, the walls painted a relaxing hue of blue and the marble floor adding a nice touch of higher living. The aroma of a multitude of shampoos and other personal hygiene products wafted through the air, creating a feeling of calm in the building. And boy, was Big Shot uncomfortable. He didn’t like cleanliness in general, only doing the basics so he could go out in public without turning ponies off by his scent. But he was horny as a dragon’s back, and the steam room looked tempting.

Lockheart snickered next to him. “Keep your wood hidden or Apple Bloom will catch onto us,” he whispered as he approached the front desk to talk to the clerk.

“Keep your personality hidden or else everyone will hate you. Oh wait, too late for that,” Big replied, trying to close his legs over his member so no other pony noticed. “Besides, why are you looking there anyway?”

“Must you ask?” Lockheart said with a wink as he turned his attention to the mare manning the desk. “Good afternoon, miss. My friends and I don’t have an appointment, so we’ll take whatever you have.” He leaned in and whispered, “Could I ask that my lady friend get serviced by Pina Colada, though? She kind of has a thing for that pink pony, if you catch my drift.”

Apple Bloom cocked an eyebrow. “What’s he whisperin’ about?”

“Um, he’s just making our appointment. Nothing too bad,” Big said, trying to put her at ease. While he would usually try and put a stop to one of Lock’s devious plans, he really wanted to get into the steam room and return to his favorite spot. And Apple Bloom definitely didn’t fit into that plan. “Just relax a little.”

She smiled at her fellow earth pony as Lockheart handed over the bits to the clerk. “Consider this visit on me,” he said with a grin as he returned to his friend and his frienemy.

“Gee, how thoughtful of ya,” Apple Bloom deadpanned, eying him with suspicion.

“Think nothing of it,” he said, either ignoring or not noticing her suspicion. “Though I got you somepony special to take care of you, separate from us. She’s a friend of mine, and I figured you wouldn’t want to relax around us rowdy young colts.”

“Why does the fact she’s a friend a’ yers make me more nervous?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Hey, I’m a friend of his!” Big interrupted.

“Good point,” Apple Bloom said with a more relaxed smile.

“He has those sometimes,” Lockheart teased. “She should be here any second. Big and I will just get out of your hair for now, if you don’t mind.”

“Don’t mind me none,” she said with a dismissive wave of her hoof. “You two go have fun. Stay out of trouble, Big.”

“Sure, I’ll remember that,” Big said, waving goodbye as he and Lock departed for their pervy mission. That’s when Apple Bloom heard a voice behind her.

“Miss Bloom, I’m Pina Colada, and I’ll be your masseuse today.”

Apple Bloom turned to see a mare around her age, though she looked a bit younger. Her magenta mane with pale pink streaks was perfectly combed and cascaded like a waterfall off her head, a few locks covering her left eye. Her coat was also pale pink and looked like she had a hide of velvet. Her well-toned flank sported a cutie mark of a small desert island with a palm tree on it. She looked at Apple Bloom with her uncovered teal eye, waiting for a response.

“U-um... hi,” Apple Bloom said with a slight blush. “You’re Lockheart’s friend?”

Pina Colada giggled, giving a dismissive wave of her hoof. “Weeeell, you could say that,” she said, winking. “But I’m also his main masseuse, so you can count on me on doing a good job.”

The farm pony blushed a bit deeper as she trotted over. “You’re, um... well. You’re not like him, are ya? Because ta be honest, that colt creeps me out somethin’ fierce,” she admitted.

“You don’t have to worry,” Pina said, shaking her head. “I’m more on the relaxed side than him. That colt should really cool it with his... usual antics, but what are you gonna do? Ready for that massage yet?” She asked, wiggling her eyebrows seductively.

Apple Bloom’s head felt like it was going to pop from how much blood was rushing into her cheeks. “O-okay, Miss Colada.” She bit her lip and whispered, “Just... just so ya know, Ah’m a happily taken mare, okay? So no funny business.”

“Sure, I’m a professional after all,” Pina assured her. But that swing in her step and the eye catching sway of her plot spoke otherwise.

“Lock, move over!” Big hissed at his friend in the cramped steam room.

“Blargh, fine,” the unicorned groaned, shifting over. “You need to lose weight so we can both fit in here, if for no other reason.”

“Just shut up and let me get to the spot,” Big said, shoving his friend against the wall. He made his way over to the corner, the thick steam hiding even his large frame. He checked to make sure nopony was looking and lifted one of the tiles from the wall, revealing a small hole. A hole connected to the mare’s steam room right next door.

“Well, who’s in there today?” Lockheart asked, crossing his legs yet making no attempt to hide his erection. They’d both seen each other’s malehoods plenty of times during such covert missions, so they were fairly comfortable bearing all at that point.

“Oh man, it couldn’t be better. We have Tornado Bolt in here. And is that Fruitbasket I see? And... oh dear Celestia, Tootsie Flute’s plot is only a foot away!” All three of the mares were in various stages of relaxation, ranging from lounging on the benches, rubbing bath oils in their coat, or Big’s personal favorite, stretching their muscles out. All in a steamy room where their manes glistened and their coats stuck to their skin.

“Jackpot,” Lockheart said with a wide grin. “Am I allowed to get a peek, or do you wanna rub one out first?”

“Not with you standing right next to me,” Big grunted, too absorbed with his findings to take notice of his friend.

“Want me to turn away? Because your cock looks like it’s about to burst a blood vessel,” he observed with a teasing purr.

The response was a hoof pushing his head away with great force. “How many times do I have to tell you not to make comments like that in here? This is probably my only time to truly get some really awesome fap action. You get plenty of action as it is, so please refrain yourself from ruining my good time. I sure don’t do that to you.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll be quiet,” Lockheart giggled, turning away to give his friend some privacy and humming a little tune.

Their bickering was interrupted by Tornado Bolt letting out a happy sigh. “Oh, this feels so fucking good,” she purred, stretching her hind legs and wriggling her muscular rump. Her gray coat was glistening with a mix of water and sweat as the steam laid her purple mane flat. As one of Scootaloo’s fellow athletes, she had a physique to rival her fellow orange pegasus. If it wasn’t for her voice, Big Shot could have just pretended it was her.

“Told you that you’d like it here,” Tootsie Flute giggled, shifting her own pale aqua plot in her seat. “It’s really good to just relax after a long day of school.” As a musician, her body was thin and frail, but she made it work. Her narrow hips and blue bum were just plain cute, and he could only imagine how tight it was.

“Or on the farm,” Fruitbasket said with a relaxed sigh as she stretched out. She spread her legs ever so slightly, giving the peeping stallion a view of her pink marehood, though it was hard to make out against her magenta fur. “My parents have been workin’ me ta death.” She giggled tiredly, her smile creasing those adorable freckles of hers.

“By Celestia’s fucking ass this is awesome,” Big whispered to himself. If he wasn’t already in a sauna a sweat would’ve begun to pour down his face. Grabbing his erect cock gently, he rubbed up and down, his own sweat acting as a pretty decent lube.

“You’re working yourself to death, you mean,” Tootsie Flute teased. “You’re a workaholic and you know it.” She leaned to the side and prodded the farm pony, her tight right cheek squishing against the bench as her weight shifted. Her tail flicked, moving out of the way just enough for Big Shot to get a glimpse of her pink pucker.

“Okay, okay, maybe Ah take a bit too much work,” Fruitbasket admitted with another cute giggle. She shifted in her seat, closing her legs and cutting off the stallion’s view of her pussy. “But it’s harvest season and the more Ah get done now, the less Ah have ta do later.”

“You still need to unwind more, Fruity,” Tootsie said, flicking her tail again.

“Maybe find a nice stallion to unwind with?” Tornado Bolt suggested with a waggle of her eyebrows and a lewd thrust of her hips against her bench, her plot moving up and down in Big Shot’s field of vision.

“Well, it can’t get any easier than this,” Big said, his slow pace of beating his stick shifting into maximum overdrive. Using both hooves now to grip his dick, he pressed down with all his force and continued to move his hooves up and down. He was panting, his tongue rolling out of his mouth like the animal he was. “Come on you sluts, do something naughty,” he begged, keeping his voice low so they didn’t actually hear him.

“Charming,” Lockheart commented under his breath with a chuckle, but Big Shot was beyond caring.

Fruitbasket was blushing, her freckled cheeks turning red. “Ah really don’t have time ta date anypony at the moment. Besides, Ah wouldn’t do... that. Not yet, anyway.”

“Come on, you really need to live a little,” Tornado Bolt said with a wave of her hoof. “It doesn’t even really need to be a date. Just find a colt, ask him for a quick bang, and boom, tension gone. I guarantee you that there is not a single stallion in Equestria that would say no to you.”

“Me included,” Big interrupted, more to himself than anyone else.

“Ah’m really not that kind of gal,” Fruitbasket said shyly, shifting her hips and covering the crevice of her plot with her tail as if to protect it from the dangers of sex.

“Suit yourself,” Tornado said with a shrug. “I know quite a few good stallions I could hook you up with if you’re ever interested, though.”

“Hey, I’m supposed to be the matchmaker of the group,” Tootsie Flute pouted playfully, crossing her forelegs.

Tornado let out a giggle. “Yeah, for long term junk. I know the stallions who are more than willing to show a mare a good time then give her a good rutting,” she said, teasingly lifting up her tail and shaking her plot. Fruitbasket covered her eyes and blushed up a storm while Tootsie averted hers.

“Looks like Celestia does answer prayers,” Big grunted, in the full swing of his carnal desires. The constant pull and push of his shlong made drool fly from his mouth, and he started huffing and puffing in a manner more closely related to when he’s running. Hormones had taken over his body and he gladly gave them the keys to the front seat.

“No offense, but I think Fruity’s taste in ponies is closer to mine,” Tootsie said.

“Not if she’s got an itch only cock can cure,” Tornado teased, lowering her tail again. “Shady Daze is a really good lay. So is Strike. I hear Pipsqueak is too, but he’s gay, so that’s out. Lockheart is good too, and he really knows how to treat a mare like she matters.”

“Horsecrap,” Big muttered under his breath. Lockheart just whistled innocently.

“Doesn’t really matter; no way Ah’m going for a one night stand or anythin’ like that,” Fruitsbasket said, blushing up bright and wriggling her hips shyly.

“What, are you into mares or something?” Tornado teased, slipping off her bench with a devious grin.

“N-no!” Fruitbasket stammered, turning redder. “You know Ah’m a straight gal!”

“Oh, I bet you are, sweetie,” Big teased, licking his salty lips. He was nearing the edge, but he wanted to hang on a bit longer for what was to come.

“Oh really?” Tornado said coyly. “Are you sure about that? Have you ever really tried sampling for the other team?”

“No, of c-course not,” Fruity said with a huff, crossing her forelegs.

“Tornado, you know I’m the only filly fooler in here,” Tootsie said with a slight blush and shift in her seat, once again squishing her cute cheeks into the wooden bench.

“How about we see about that?” Tornado turned around and presented her plot, moving her tail out of the way with a wide grin. Luckily for Big’s libido and unfortunately for his dignity, he got an eyeful of her pucker and marehood as well as Fruitbasket squeaked and turned away. “Does this get you hot, Fruity?”

“I think we all know the answer to that one.” Big could barely hold it in, but he didn’t want to stop. It was like he was balanced on a razor thin wire and any push can shove him over the edge.

“Tornado!” the farm pony practically shouted, her purple fur turning bright red.

The pegasus burst out laughing and collapsed on the floor, kicking her legs in the air with her marehood still plainly in view. “The look on your face! Oh sweet Celestia, that was priceless!”

“That wasn’t nice,” Tootsie huffed, blushing up a storm herself. Her tail flicked away from her crevice, and Big Shot could see for a fact that the sudden exhibitionism had gotten Tootsie wet, at least.

“She’s not the only one.” At that moment, the mental barriers to Big’s hormone addled mind sprung right open in an all around muscle quenching shock of organsmic pleasure as he, really liked to call it for some reason, released the hounds. White nectar coated the wall in front of him, while even more was being pumped out as Big’s dick went limp. The messy white coat of sperm was soon washed away by trickles of moisture from the steam into the drain pipe in the middle of the room. But Big felt oddly hollow inside, anticlimactic in a way.

“Hey, I’m not a nice mare,” Tornado giggled as she got back on all fours.

“All done, big guy?” Lockheart asked, still facing away.

“Yeah. Really thought some nice mare on mare action would happen, but nothing. Still, pretty good show they put on. Enjoy yourself.”

“Heh, I won’t take long,” Lockheart assured with a giggle as he moved to take Big’s spot.

“Doesn’t that usually happen with you?” Big teased, a playful smirk on his face.

“Shush or I’m finishing in your direction,” he teased back before he peeked through the opening, though they both know that he wouldn’t do that. Big Shot rolled his eyes and turned around, ruminating on what he just watched and beginning to ponder why he felt so empty afterward.