Chapter 1: Once Again, Discord Is Bored
“Hmm... wonder how far I can flick it now?” Discord mused, before dispatching another one of his boogers across the room of the hall, where it promptly exploded against the far off wall and created a good sized hole. “Maybe I can even hit the ceiling...”
“DISCORD!” Celestia shouted, her head popping out like a rabbit from its hole from the hole his booger just created.
“Yeah?” he asked, still digging a claw deep in his nostrils, in search of another succulent piece of nose gold. “Kinda busy.”
“These walls aren’t exactly cheap to replace! You knocked a whole stack of my books over and one of them is now seamless and littering my floor! Don’t you have anything better to do than blow my home up?”
“Nope,” he replied vacantly, rubbing his new snotty prize in between his claws. “Got nothing to do, so this is how I spend my time. Would you rather have me create complete and utter chaos on a global scale?”
“I’d rather you just be normal, in pony standards, for a single day. It’s worse than taking care of a foal! This wall is going to take a good day to fix,” she scolded, giving the draconequus the death glare as she sighed in frustration. “Not to mention that book was one of a kind!” she yelled, quickly losing what little patience she had left for the guest. Her mouth twisted into a near snarl, her eyes squinting at the bored looking figure.
“.. Huh? Were you saying something?” Discord asked, flicking his booger up at the ceiling, which was followed by a loud boom and shower of rubble. “All I heard was nag this and do that and blah, blah, blah, I’m an annoying princess.”
“Do keep in mind that I can get ahold of Fluttershy at any time. So you’d do very well to not anger me further than you already have! Now, are you going to clean this mess up?” she snapped, stepping out into the hall.
“Oh no, not Fluttershy! Please not that! Anything but that!” he yelled in mock horror, a claw draped over his head dramatically. He laughed and followed Celestia, floating in front of her as if he was back stroking. “Please now Celly, why such the sour face? I’ve been using my powers for good... mostly. Can’t expect me to become complete goody-two-shoes without some of my chaotic nature staying intact.”
Celestia sighed, “I know that, but I still wish you’d at least refrain from destroying everything around me. Seriously, can’t you, I don’t know, go somewhere far away and cause chaos? The Everfree Forest is far away from everypony, save for that zebra.”
“Nah. Ain’t as much fun without people to play tricks on,” he chuckled, nudging her as playfully with his lion shoulder. “Besides, I know you just love it when I cook up some chaos.”
“Discord that was over one thousand years ago. While I enjoyed it back then, I’ve matured a bit. So I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t mention it anymore. If it ever got out that we... just don’t mention it ever again,” she shuddered, the implications of the entire kingdom finding out about their past... not sitting well with her.
Discord stopped mid flight and stared at her with wide, mismatched eyes. “But... I thought we had something back then. And now... I was kinda hoping, since I’ve changed and all... we can have that again?”
“I’m sorry,” she said softly, while turning around, “but it would interfere in my royal duties. And we both know very well that you’d keep me away from my responsibilities. And... I can’t have feelings for you if you were to cause us to have to turn you back to stone. Went through that once and I won’t be put through it again.”
Discord snapped his fingers and reappeared before her in a flash of bright light, holding out both his arms wide like in a hug. “But hey, I’m all reformed now! Good Discord! No more evil! So that means we could be something more! Like old times!”
“I said no, alright? And before you think of it, Luna is going to say the same thing. And I won’t hesitate to have you turned back to stone if you even get near Twilight.”
“What? Twinkles?” he gagged, shaking his head repeatedly. “She is way too purple! Have you seen her? Purple is such a boring color. Plus, I’m a couple thousand years old and she’s what, under twenty? That’s disturbing even by my standards.”
“Just forget about it. Go back to doing whatever you were doing, as long as you promise to fix it all! Now, I’m going back to my studies. Try and not bring the entire castle down on our heads, would you?” she sighed, looking at the hole in the ceiling. As she looked down, she glanced the sad expression of Discord. “Alright, what’s the matter? It’s usually something bad when you of all... things, is sad.”
“It’s just that... I want a Princess,” he mumbles under his breath, his voice low it was barely heard as he turned his back to her with his hands crossed behind himself.
“I’m sorry, Discord. But Luna and I can’t get involved in anything, for it would interfere dearly with our duties. You already said you don’t like Twilight, plus I’d never allow you to touch her. And Cadence is married happily to Shining Armor,” she reminded him, before smiling lightly. “You can have Blueblood though! He’s a Prince, if that’s close enough!”
“Oh please. I would probably turn that dunce into a dog or something,” he groaned loudly. “All the Princesses are taken! I’m going to be forever alone, literally forever!”
“I wish there was something I could do for you, but my mind is drawing a blank. Maybe one day, if Twilight ever accepts the immortality spell, we might be able to... get together again. But until that day, if it ever comes, I’m afraid there is nothing I can do,” she sighed, rubbing her brow.
Discord rubbed his chin in thought for several moments in thought, until a light bulb literally appeared above his head, flickering on and off until it grew wings and flew off. “I got it! The perfect place to get Princesses!”
With a snap of his fingers and a bright flash of light, he disappeared, laughing like the common evil villain on exit.
“Oh no, the last time he did that, I ended up having to get Luna out of the Everfree Forest... And why am I talking to myself?” she asked, face hoofing. “This is not going to end well... Luna! Set up your anti-teleportation spell!”
“This is because of Discord, isn’t it?” Luna called from an adjacent room nearby. “Did he start turning water into swarms of dancing frogs again?”
“No, he teleported away saying something about Princesses. Oh, and he started to laugh evilly. Something tells me he didn’t go to get groceries,” she yelled back, shaking her head lightly.
“I’ll call the insurance agency! We still have Discord coverage, right?”
“No, he turned that into a dancing frog with a top hat and cane. Alert everypony in the castle... something tells me we might have something going on here soon.” Celestia groaned, dreading another Discord incident. The last one turned the entire east wing of the castle into caramel. There’s no telling what he’ll do now.
“Honey, I’m home!” Discord shouted teleporting right in Celestia’s royal bath chambers as she was taking a relaxing bubble bath. The white alicorn’s coat was soaking wet and covered in suds, while her elegant particolored mane was partially covered in soapy bubbles.
“Discord!” She yelled, quickly levitating the curtain closed. “What have I said about coming into my royal bathing chambers? This is what, the seventeenth time now? I’m going to have to put a permanent anti-teleportation spell in here!”
“Aw, come on! You’re naked all the time anyways!” he giggled, sitting down in the air with his legs crossed while twiddling his thumbs like a schoolfoal. “Guess what I did?” he said in a sing song voice, holding back the giggles.
“Number one, even if I don’t wear clothes doesn’t mean I just want someone watching me take a bath!” she yelled through the curtains, desperately trying to wash away the soap in her mane. “Number two, I’m afraid to ask what you did, since I usually end up having to fix it.”
Discord waved off his paw, the movement lost since Celestia currently couldn’t see it. “Don’t worry. I didn’t even cause any collateral damage this time. Plus, it solves all of our problems!”
“Well, I still have a hole in my wall, so not all of my problems are fixed,” she said, a slight hint of anger in her voice. “I’m also assuming this has something to do with your random teleportation earlier.”
“Baby, everything about me is random,” he reminded her. “And yes, indeed-dibly-doo! I have formed the best plan for the perfect amount of entertainment for me and problem solving for you!”
“Could you kindly just tell me what it is so I can finish relaxing, which you ever so rudely interrupted?” she berated, growing ever more annoyed with each passing moment. “I’ve had a long day and just want to wind down.”
Discord giggled further, his voice creepily female like. “Aw, is Celly mad because I ruined her little bubble bath? What a tragedy.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m mad; it’s a tragedy. Are you going to tell me what you’re so excited about or annoy me all night?” she asked, rolling her eyes, another gesture lost because of the curtain.
“Suspense, my dear, is half the fun of the game.” Discord snapped his fingers, his chaos fueled magic causing the scrubby brush in her tub to come to life and scrub her face while her rubber duck (because even Princesses love those things) started quacking. “Let me hear your guesses!”
“You know I hate guessing. OW! Stop brushing my face! You just poked my eye,” she complained, rubbing her eye. “But I suppose I’ve no choice, since I know you’ve got nothing better to do than annoy me. Uhm... You turned one of Twilight’s friends into a Princess? Probably the pink one, since she’s almost as random as you are.”
“Pinkie? No, the red one. Name of Big Mac. He’s the newest Princess. Just thought you’d like to know.” The worst part about this was Celestia was pretty positive Discord wasn’t kidding.
“Oh please tell me you aren’t getting with him...” she said, stifling laughter.
“Bet you would enjoy to see that,” he muttered under his breath, before transforming into a toy ship and teleporting into her bathtub, his eyes and devious grin present on the floating toy. “But no, guess again, good looking!”
“HEY!” Celestia exclaimed in desperation, trying her hardest to cover herself from the intruding toy boat. “Get out!” Her face began to turn a reddish color from embarrassment and anger. “This is rude, even for you!”
“Nothing I haven’t seen before,” he reminded her, bobbing up and down in the waves of the water Celestia disturbed. “Also, have you gained weight? You should really stop hitting the cakes like that.”
“Well, I never... Its five pounds at most!” she remarked, quite angrily. Around this time, she completely gave up trying to cover herself. “You’re not leaving until I guess again, are you?” His playful shake of his head, more like a shake of the toy boat, told her so. “Fine... Did you travel to another alternate dimension where I’m willing to get back with you?”
“Please, I got over you five minutes ago,” he replied, transforming back into a miniature version of himself and hopping atop the rubber duck. “But you got the alternate dimensions part right.”
“Well at least I don’t have to sleep with one eye open now. Let’s see here... alternate dimension...” she placed a hoof to her chin as she thought, racking her brain for any alternate dimensions she knew of that had to do with Princesses. “Sorry, I got nothing. You going to tell me, or am I just going to be left in the dark? Actually, please do the second one. It’s best I don’t know what you’re doing.”
“Well, too bad!” he laughed, snapping his fingers and teleporting the two of them away. Now they were in the castle gardens at the dead of night, Discord regular sized while Celestia sat on her rather large rump, dripping water from her bath in a small pool around herself.
“By my sister’s beard, it’s cold! You couldn’t even let me dry off, now could you?” she asked, her teeth chattering. “Could you at least teleport me a towel?”
“No time! We’re live!” Discord shouted, snapping his fingers. Immediately lights sprung up all around them, from various spotlights directed right at them. Video cameras started up, multiple ponies from various directions training their sights on the pair. Now the two were in the middle of a television crew, dozens of eyes trained, directed, and scrutinizing at them.
“Too bad we couldn’t get you to the makeup department,” Discord teased, dusting off his shoulder and looking as chaotically pleasant as ever, while Celestia was still a soggy mess.
Celestia panicked as she looked around, trying to cover herself from the cameras. “DISCORD!” she shouted at the top of her lungs, trying to cower behind a nearby bush. “I’m naked and wet. And you put me in front of cameras? And what do you mean by the makeup department? You saying I need to wear makeup?” she continued to yell, forgetting about the cameras and standing, angrily advancing towards the draconequus with murder in her eyes.
“Well, you aren’t getting any younger,” he reminded her, barely holding back a laugh. “And like I told you before, you’re always naked. The wetness just makes the extra chub you’ve picked up more noticeable.”
“Okay, I’m wet and annoyed... Would you just give me a towel and I’ll forget any of this happened...? Just going to cut my losses and let you go on with... whatever this is,” she said a rather mirthless expression on her face.
Discord tutted and waggled his finger at Celestia, a smug smirk on his face. “But Celly, you’re one of the main hosts here! I can’t have you leaving just like this. Stick around a bit, and enjoy the fun!”
“Would you just give it to me? I’m soaking here...” Complain as she may, she was not getting the towel. “And I’m not agreeing to anything until I know what exactly this is!”
“A game show! With yours truly as the prize!” he told her, making a grand sweep with his mismatched arms. “And Spike is the host!”
The purple dragon popped out of nowhere, dressed in a tuxedo and top hat with a microphone in his claw. Staring at everyone with a puzzled expression, he said, “Um, what am I doing here?”
“We couldn’t afford Chris Harrison, so you were plan B,” Discord explained to Spike, using his tail to drag the dragon closer to the cameras. “Just host the show, smile pretty, and follow what the cue cards say. Got it?”
“And why am I doing this?” Spike asked in an exasperated tone.
“You want a room full of gemstones and me not turning you into jello sound good?” Discord said, crossing his arms and arching a hairy white eyebrow upward at the dragon.
“...well, seems you’ve convinced me!” Spike cheered joyously, adjusting his bowtie and dusting off the front of his tux. “Host Spike at your service!”
“A game show? Nopony better tell Luna about this... she’ll want in on it immediately. But fine, I suppose I’ll help out, but only because it will keep you occupied and from destroying my entire castle.”
“Oh, Loonster is already in on it. She’s the director after all.” Discord pointed a claw at Luna, who was currently sitting in a director’s chair with the typical megaphone yelling directions to the various production crews.
“Luna!” Celestia shouted at her sister, her face red with fury. “What are you doing? You’re a Princess, not some type of two-bit director to some bad game show!”
Lune merely huffed and adjusted her complimentary hipster glasses that came with the job, along with the classy director’s baret. “Oh please, Tia, stop getting your mane in a tuff. I’m still a Princess, but being director to a game show is just my hobby. I find the time through time management and dumping more of my workload on Twilight.”
“But you can’t do that!” he sister argued.
Luna smiled and pointed to the chair she was currently sitting on, with ‘Director’ clearly printed on it. “Sorry Tia, but here, I’m the one in charge here, not you.”
Celestia’s face was so red it resembled the hot coals of her wrath burning inside, literally causing steam to rise from her coat. Rolling his eyes, Discord waved his hand to dissipate some of the steam. “Come now, Celly, can’t be having a hissy fit on camera, can we?”
“Hissy fit? You ruined my bath, teleported me outside, naked, and then tell me you gave Luna the director spot on a game show! You do know we still have duties, right?” she asked, steam still rising from her.
“... pfft, you said duties!” Discord laughed, rolling on his sides in midair.
“Oh, how mature of you,” she hissed, her face that of disappointment. “Luna, let’s go.”
“Sorry sis, but I already signed my contract. Plus, this job has some pretty good pay.” Luna smiled wide, revealing sparkling white teeth. “And dental!”
Discord leaned on Celestia’s head with an elbow, staring casually at his claw nails. “You heard the pretty little Princess, so relax and stick a while. You might actually enjoy yourself.”
Celestia began to protest, before finally sighing in defeat. “Fine, but can I please at least dry off? I’m going to catch a cold at this rate, and I’ve not had a cold in a hundred years.”
“Don’t worry; you’ll feel the warmth from my hotness!” With a snap of his claws, he transformed in a flash of light. Now he was a human, with rough chisel features, his same thin figure with wiry muscles, wearing trim brown suit with a yellow tie. Brush a tan hand through his white hair with black sideburns; he gave Celestia his usual snaggle tooth grin. “And do try to resist going after me in my new sexy form. I’m saving it for someone else. A great number of someone else’s.”
“Okay, first off, I’d never find you sexy, even in that form. Second of all, I’ve already told you we’re never going to happen, so if that’s what this is all about...”
Discord’s red eyes glowed with an evil intent for one short moment, but returned to their usual missized self. “Like I need you now when I have ten very attractive ladies to choose from.” He rubbed his goatee and gave her a quick one over. “All of them Princesses, by the way.”
“What are you talking about? There are only four Princesses in Equestria. Discord, where did you go and what did you do?” she asked, her brow furrowing in annoyment.
“...you probably won’t like what I’m about to say next,” he said, a devious smile on his face as he evilly twiddled his fingers. “I’ve been all over the place.”
“Go on... I’m excited to hear what you cooked up this time,” she said, rolling her eyes.
“Basically, I visited the Disney universe and kidna- I mean, borrowed some of their Princesses,” he explained, tightening his tie and slicking back his hair. “All ten of them. Really nice, varied selection right there.”
“And pray do tell how you managed to get them to take part in this ‘show’?” she asked, face hoofing from the details of another one of Discord’s crazy plans.
“Easy. From good ol’ Walt right here!” From one of his coat pockets he pulled out a large jar, but instead of the usual pickles one would expect inside, there was Walt Disney’s slightly frozen head. “He signed over the rights to do whatever I want with anything related to his name, meaning I get to use the Princesses!”
“I get a body out of this, right?” the frozen head spoke, ice cracking on his face from speaking.
“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Discord replied, rolling his eyes and returning the head back into his coat pocket that apparently had endless space. “Right after the competition is over.”
“Was... was that a talking frozen head? That owns Princesses? I... I’m at a loss for words on this one.” she said, dumbfounded. “Anyways, what is this competition that you’re driving at?”
“I’m at stupendously glad you asked!” he shouted, spreading his arms wide in a dramatic flourish and snapping his fingers. Overhead, in bright pink neon lights, the words ‘The Bachelor’ were visible, blinding nearly everyone with their stunning brightness. “That’s right mares, gentlecolts, and whatever other creature you may be watching this! Equestria’s first ever Bachelor show, starring me, your favorite god of chaos!”
“Wait, we’re live right now? What am I supposed to do?” Celestia began to panic, never having been on television before.
“Look pretty, and get ready for the main part of the show!” Discord said happily, pinching her cheek and skipping to center stage of show set. “Luna, are our contestants ready?”
“You’re the one bringing them here!” she yelled back through her megaphone, pointing camera crews to their correct positions to start off the show.
“Oh yeah...” Discord gave a lewd grin to Celestia and asked, “Ready to see the ladies?”
“Do I have a choice? Yes, go ahead, Discord.” she replied, a slight pang of excitement within her voice.
With a snap of his fingers a huge smoke cloud appeared near the left of the show set. “And here they are, the Princesses of the Disney universe! And to start things we have Snow White, a little ol’ gal with skin white as snow who’s too trustworthy of random strangers offering her fruit!”
Out of the smoke cloud appeared Snow White, looking as splendid as ever in her simple evening dress. Looking around confused for a moment, she hesitantly asked, “Um... where am I? And why are there horses everywhere?”
Discord appeared beside her in an instant, his smile never wavering and Snow White’s creep factor for the mysterious stranger upping higher by the second. “Never mind now, because our second contestant is a crowd favorite and inspired more glass related foot fetishes than anyone else, Cinderella everyone!”
Next to appear out of the smoke was Cinderella, much more dressed up than Snow White in her shimmering blue dress and dolled up blonde hair. Staring in awe at the lights, cameras, and more importantly, the strange looking equines, she merely said, “... what am I doing here?”
Appearing next to her in the same instantaneously fashion like with Snow White, he closed her open mouth and said, “You’re here to stop gawking and look pretty. And now for the figurehead of a goodnight’s sleep and sleeping pills everywhere, Aurora is in the house!”
This time the contestant stumbled out of the smoke, nearly tripping in an un-Princess like manner. Aurora stood up straight, dusted off her sparkling pink dress and settled her tiara more snugly on her head, and gave a disapproving glare at the television crew. “Okay, who interrupted my beauty sleep?”
“No one cares, and that would be me,” Discord whispered over her shoulder, clapping happily when he caused her to jump in shock. “But let’s move on to number four! A lover of swimming and a hater of sushi, here’s Ariel!”
From the smoke walked out Ariel, the red head resting a hand on her dress and brushing some hair out of her eyes. “And now I think I’ve seen it all. Why am I here of all places?”
“Game show contestant! Enjoy the set up and free beverages!” he replied, not even glancing at her as he sauntered his way to the area the next Princess would appear. “Time now for the local egghead and lover of the dudes with hairy chests, let’s welcome Belle!”
The smoke faded away as Belle stepped forward, her eyes widening at the sight of the cameras and the sorts around her. “It’s so bright! Where am I? Oh well, at least the furniture isn’t talking to me...”
“Not yet, anyway,” Discord laughed, practically skipping with joy in each step to the next contestant, so much like a schoolgirl that the similarities were creepy. “Now for the lady of the desert and someone who doesn’t mind revealing some skin, Jasmine!”
Unlike the others, Jasmine bursted through the smoke on a flying carpet. “Would you slow do- wha?” She looked around as the carpet stopped, her expression that of bewilderment. “Where did you fly us this time?”
“Carpet here is on my payroll,” Discord explained, slapping some skin- er, wool, with the animated floor furniture. “We’re more than halfway through with the contestants, and the next one is fierce! Say hello to the lady of the wild and hardest to spell name yet, Pocahontas!”
The thick smoke cleared to reveal the Native American beauty, Pocahontas wearing her usual animal skins dress. “Hey, I was nearly to the top of the waterfall! What’s going on here? I swear, every day it’s something different...”
“Don’t be disappointed! Be glad! After all, you could be walking away with a stud like myself,” he teased, sliding and skidding to a stop at the next contestant drop zone. “Now for the warrior Princess and someone who isn’t afraid to put some bad in badass, Mulan!”
Not surprisingly, the first thing to emerge from the smoke was the tiny dragon, Mushu. “Hey, what gives? Whoa! Hey, Mulan, check this out! We got some snazzy guy and ponies standing around us. Look, that midnight blue one is sitting in a chair!”
“Yeah, I kinda noticed,” Mulan replied with a roll of her eyes, pushing out a lock of ivory black hair from her eyes. “Real interesting set up we got this time.”
“Hey Spike, I think you have company!” Discord yelled at the fancily dressed dragon, pointing to the newest contestant’s companion. “Also, pick up whatever messes he makes, okay? Cause next up we have the reptile loving and not a fan of frog dissection in biology class New Orleans’ sweetheart, Tiana!”
The smoke wafted away as the African American princess stepped forth, her dress taking up more space than probably necessary. “Well, that was definitely different. This is some real strange Voodoo magic this time.”
“Voodoo smoodoo! I use chaos magic, baby! Plus two for all elemental magic and added bonus of doing batshit insane stuff!” Tapping his heels along his path like a dancer, he spun in place Michael Jackson esque style and pointed a finger at the next contestant drop zone. “And finally, but hopefully not least, there’s the lady who uses a fortune on shampoo plus conditioner and every haircutter’s nightmare, Rapunzel!”
The first thing to come out of the smoke was the incredibly long lock of hair, almost long enough to reach down to the first Princess. “What’s this? Yes! I’m free from the tower! Who’s responsible for this?” she asked, pulling her hair back to herself.
“The gentleman you would want to thank would be me!” Discord laughed, coming to a stop at her side and glancing down at the remaining Princesses. “And looks like we’re done with the beginning introductions for now. Hey Celly, come on down so we can close the episode!”
Celestia, who was now drier than before and once again sporting her crown and jewelry, stepped onto the stage. “Yeah, I’m not sure this is a good idea. I’m not going to stand idly by while you make gaining the affection of these Princesses into a game!”
“Oh, I think you’ll be A-Okay with this. Or else...” His smile grew even wider and more malicious, if that was even possible.
“Or else what?” she asked with a cold glare, stepping towards him.
“You remember that Hearth’s Warming Eve party all those centuries ago? The really spectacular one you threw at the castle?” he asked casually, staring at his fingernails.
“Not particularly, no. Wait...” Her eyes grew wide, nearly popping out of her skull at the sudden dawning of Discord’s implications. “N-No... you didn’t!”
“I kept the picture,” he giggled, pulling it out of his sleeve and showing it off to her. “You think you destroyed all the copies, but I still have it!”
“Give that to me right now!” she yelled, diving for it to no avail as he simply sidestepped.
“Already have thousands of copies of it anyways. Ready to distribute all across the kingdom at the snap of a finger.” He held the picture closer to his face and inspected it with a lewd smile. “What do you think your precious little ponies will say when they see this? How would they treat you? They sure won’t keep you on the high pedestal of perfection you set up for yourself all these years.”
“Fine, I’ll help you do this... Just, don’t show it, okay?” she pleaded, looking almost apologetically to the Princesses around her. Many were giving the humanized chaos god glares while others looked fearfully at the camera crew and strange creatures that surrounded them.
“Good girl! I knew eventually you’ll see things my way,” he said, pinching her cheek like she was a foal. “Now, try to stop looking so jealous and say goodbye to the folks at home!”
“Uhm... thank you all for tuning into the first episode of The Bachelor! Be sure to tune in next time to see which Princesses will enjoy Discords Company, and which will be so repulsed they will run away screaming.” She rolled her eyes and face hoofed all dignity she once had snatched away by the greedy hand of Discord.
Spike suddenly appeared before the cameras, microphone in claw. “Next week we’ll have the first dates with Discord and the contestants, so be sure to stay tuned!”
“And stay classy, Equestria!” Discord said, appearing above Spike’s shoulder and winking while pointing a finger at the camera. “’Cause I sure am!”
