Celestia Ships Herself

by Kaidan

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 5253

Celestia is stressed and could use some relaxation, but who can offer that to an immortal sun goddess? Who better, than herself?

Celestia is stressed. Twilight is sending dozens of letters a day asking how to be a princess. An ancient evil threatens to tear Equestria apart. Luna has been slacking on her duties. Celestia has to keep an eye on a reformed Discord. Oh, and she’s trying to reform Chrysalis.

Celestia needs to relax and blow off steam, but who can help an immortal sun goddess do that?

Who better, than herself?

Rated mature for strong innuendo, and non-explicit over-the-top shipping.
A birthday gift to Brony2893. I hope he enjoys the story spawned by his off-hoof remark.
Proud member of the Sexyverse Universe
Sequel: Twilight's Sexual Dissertation

Published 2013-03-28 16:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-28 16:50:01 UTC

Celestia Ships Herself

Dear Princess Celestia,

Do I really have to mediate for everypony? It’s so annoying. They’re constantly complaining to me about their mundane lives. “Oh, Twilight, fix this.” “Oh, Twilight, fix that.” I don’t see how you can put up with it!

Not ten minutes ago Carrot Top and Applejack were in here arguing again. They’ve been fighting for a week over what the official fruit of Ponyville should be. It’s stupid! Carrots aren’t even fruit! I spent ten minutes explaining that to them with sock puppets and they ended up taking the sock puppets to a bar.

Because that makes sense.

Lyra and Bon Bon want a royal decree on whether humans exist, despite viewing their dissertation and finding it academically unsound. Vinyl wants quiet hours flipped to 5am-11am so she can proceed to end the notion of sleeping in Ponyville. Strangely enough, Scootaloo supports that.

Speaking of those bundles of joy, the crusaders broke Octavia’s cello and she’s calling for jail time. Derpy’s in the hospital again with minor burns. I don’t know how, but they found her baking herself into a muffin. Pinkie has successfully routed all tourists and immigrants, and Trixie is demanding a pet goat to ride around on.

Celestia, I decree that you strip me of my title. Or let let me trade places with Cadance. I like how shiny that place was and I felt really sexy doing that welcoming cheer. Spike, omit that last line. The fact of the matter is, I want out. Since I have actually saved the world more than you have, I’m just going to call it that I’m a better princess than you, and as a better princess, I should have the right to not be a princess.

Your overwhelmed student,

Twilight Sparkle.

Celestia incinerated the letter like she had the dozen before it. She had memorized them all and would use one of her templates to reply to her later. It would likely say something like: “Be patient, Twilight. You will continue to get better at your job and earn their respect. Send me a friendship report when you learn a valuable lesson. Don’t be so mean.”

A guard walked into the day court and announced himself. “Princess, there is one Prince Blueblood outside demanding an audience.”

Celestia laughed, and quickly stifled herself. Luna look at her with a raised eyebrow. “He demands an audience with me? Those were his words?”

The guard gulped. “Yes, your highness.”

“Let him in, I do so enjoy his arrogance,” she mocked.

“Pray, he taketh many liberties, but thou shalt not sayest anything rash.”

Blueblood stormed into the throne room. “Celestia, I deman—”

“Silence!” she ordered in the Royal Canterlot voice. “I am your princess, your ruler and your aunt. You do not demand anything of me.”

Blueblood’s mouth opened and closed wordlessly several times. After he regained his composure, he started over. “Princess, if I may. . .”

Celestia hid her smile from him well. “Continue.”

“The orphanages on third street, near my home. They are crowding the street and the urchins are constantly in my way playing hoofball. You have to bulldoze them, it’s a blight on the wealthy district I live in.”

“Out! Get out at once!” Celestia ordered. She nearly lost her composure, but a thousand years of practice hid her true rage. “Blueblood, if you bring me complaints like that again I’ll have you shipped off to the Crystal Kingdom.”

She waited for Blueblood to walk out, and the guards to close the door behind him.

Celestia yawned. Between juggling her duties, Discord’s reform, Chrysalis’ request for peace, and the threat of Cthulhu's return, she hadn’t had a proper night’s rest in weeks. Yet, as everypony knows, instead of getting more tired, an immortal sun goddess just gets hotter. She itched herself and twitched her eye at Blueblood’s fleeting flank.

Yes, it’s that kind of hot.

It must have gotten bad if she eyed up her nephew in such a way. She always wondered if it was a debilitating condition. It wasn’t like it had gotten in the way of her duties. The only time it really fell out of control was seven-hundred years ago in The Great Worgy. But that was probably for the better in retrospect.

“I can’t believe he wanted me to bulldoze the orphanages to widen the street leading up to his house,” Celestia muttered. “Luna, do we even have a bulldozer? I am not sure such things exist.”

Luna stood silently beside her sister. It would soon be time for the sunset, and for Celestia to get some much needed sleep. “Pray, sister, art thou well? Thou hast donned a sullen face of late.”

“I’m fine, Lulu. I’m just worried we won’t be ready to fight back our old foe,” she explained.

“Tis the most heaviest burden to place only on oneself. Tia, allow me to helpeth with Discord.”

“No. This is my burden to carry. I need you to continue positioning troops and running drills at night. I would not have it done during the day, lest ponies get nervous. You handle the guard, I’ll handle Discord and Chrysalis.”

“As thou wisheth, Tia. But promise me that thou will sleepest through the night. I know thou art ill.”

“You know I can’t, I have far too much to do.”

A scroll popped into existence in front of Celestia. It was doubtless another letter from the new princess Twilight.

“Then allow me to help thee or giveth me thou duties of training Twilight.”

“No and no. I’m too busy and, Lulu, the last time you replied for me, Twilight thought I had disowned her. She’s far too stressed right now to be agitated. I’ll answer this in the morning.”

Celestia nodded to her sister and dismissed herself from the throne room. She tucked the letter into her regalis to answer later.

Celestia decided to pay a visit to her newest charges. She walked into the guest suites of the castle. It was here that a reformed Discord, and the Queen of the Changelings lived. She still expected the two to try and usurp her at any moment, however Celestia needed every ally she could get for the coming battle.

If it were true the prison of Cthulhu was weakening, then every preparation she had spent years making would be needed. From freeing Luna, to coronating Twilight, to putting up with allies like Chrysalis.

She walked in and announced herself. “Discord, how is Chrysalis coming along?”

“Oh, you know. Busy as a bee, and as annoying as one too,” Discord mocked.

“We are ssstanding right here, Disscord,” Chrysalis spat.

“You understand why I am humoring your notion of a peace treaty?” Celestia asked.

“You need my armiessss to defeat an ancient evil you are too weak to handle yourssself,” she responded.

“I don’t need anything from you, but if Discord deserves a second chance, so do you.”

“You wound me, Tia. If you stab me, do I not bleed?” Discord plunged a knife into his side, spewing out baby tigers. “Guess not.” He grinned.

“Don’t play with me, Discord. We all know what is at stake,” Celestia scolded.

“Yes, I do. The glorious Celestia!” Discord threw his arms in the air to the sound of trumpets. “All the stress, the mantle of power. . . My offer still stands,” He cooed. The background music shifted to smooth jazz as the lights dimmed. “You need only ask, and we shall make your every bedroom fantasy come true.”

“He sspeaksss the truth,” Chrysalis added, winking.

“Enough! I am not sleepy, and I do not expect to find either of you anywhere near my bedchambers! I suggest you two continue to prepare. Discord, you know what will happen if your father escapes the prison you put him in.”

“Yes, I daresay he’ll spoil all my fun by wiping out every sapient being on the planet. He never enjoyed the subtlety of chaos, only crushing the skulls of his enemies.”

He slithered around Celestia and began to massage a spot above her wings. “I’ll make you feel so much better if you come to my chambers in an hour. Nopony has to know.”

Celestia shrugged him off and stormed out of the room. She headed for her bed to get some sleep.

“Luna was right, poor thing. Just look at how exhausting order is. If she’d just let me turn a few guards into coffee cakes, or clouds into anvils, she’d laugh that stress right away,” Discord sighed.

“Perhapsss Luna and we can do sssomething to give her releasse,” Chrysalis hissed.

Discord gave her a skeptical look. “Well, that’s awfully kind of her mortal enemy...”

“I sssuffer from a sssimilar condition,” she said bashfully. “My desire for love iss a bit more...ssimplisstic.”

That skeptical look turned to a glimmer. “Chrysalis, I do believe I’m beginning to like you. Let’s go arrange a little intervention for Celestia.”

Celestia walked into her bedchambers, locking the door and closing the windows. She checked her warding spells to ensure complete privacy. Despite her sister and guests being vulgar and straightforward, they had been right about one thing.

She was sleepy. And a sleepy sun goddess only meant one thing.

Celestia winked at the wall with a tiny bell noise.

The one problem with being an immortal sun goddess, was it really messed up her dating game. The ponies she chose to date would often cower, quiver, and beg, doing whatever she commanded. Sometimes she liked that. Most of the time she loved that. But right now she wanted something simple. She didn’t want to go it solo, but she didn’t want to bring another pony into it.

She was weird like that.

However she had devised a simple solution. Create a clone of herself. There was the age old argument about what one should do should they ever come across a clone of themself. One school of thought dictates that you fight the clone and the other school of thought suggest you do something else with the clone.

Because really, who better to please and pleasure her than herself? Only she could truly know and give her what she wants.

Celestia fired up her horn and a replica poofed into existence in front of her. She wore a sultry, girlish smile, gold and pink socks, with her hair pulled back into a ponytail. The clone, Celestia lovingly named Cellu, used her magic to poof a couch into existence right behind Celestia.

“Celestia...” Cellu cooed. She bit her lip. “You’re lookin’ hot today.”

“Likewise, Cellu. Shall we begin? I’m rather busy.”

“Aww, does the queen need to loosen up? Cool off maybe?” she said seductively. “Try to be chill.”

Celestia blushed as the heat began to set on. Cellu pushed her on the couch, giggling as she climbed on top of her original. The twins embraced on the loveseat. Their muzzles met, finding each other seamlessly as did their tongues. Celestia began to groan into the other’s mouth, savoring the sweet taste of her lips.

Cellu brushed Celestia’s hair away from her eyes, and then levitated her crown off. Piece by piece she unburdened her of the regalia, ignoring the letter that fell to the floor. She brashly rubbed up against Celestia. Passionately, drunkenly she teased the with her sloppy motions. Celestia both hated and loved how much Cellu played with her. Every passing brush tormented her and Celestia just wish she’d stay where she wanted her to.

Celestia gave her a hard nibble on the lip. Cellu knew she had let it go on too long and pressed the sweet spot. The original gasped.

“Oh, Cellu! Yes!”

Celestia leaned back, letting her clone do all her work. As her body began to awake to the pleasurable sensations, all her worries melted away.

Gone were her fears of Cthulhu's return.

Gone were her fears of Chrysalis’ betrayal.

Gone were her fears of Discord and Luna eloping.

She was getting very close, the climax was in sight. There was only one last worry on her mind.

Gone were the constant letters asking how to be a princes—

You got mail! said a voice.

With a loud ‘pop’ a scroll materialized in the air, killing the moment. Cellu stopped, and Celestia cried out. “No, not now! Please, keep going!”

You got mail! it repeated.

“Shouldn’t you get that? It may be from our—from your student,” Cellu asked.

“No, please! Just keep going!”

You got mail!

“Yeah, I’m kind of done. Just answer it and we’ll continue right after, promise.” She gave Celestia a little peck on the cheek.

“Ugh, fine.” Celestia grabbed the scroll and opened it up.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that it’s important to stand up for your friends. Happy?

I ran into some difficulty attempting to put on the regalia you sent me. I ended up snapping the crown in two, before stepping on Spike’s tail. He incinerated the necklace you sent, teleporting it Faust knows where. Note to self, don’t make a dragon’s main self-defense mechanism a b-line to the national leader’s inner sanctum.

Seriously, what if he was defending us from, I don’t know, any dangerous thing ever? It’d be in your house all of a sudden. This is the kind of stuff that makes coups possible.

Also, the towns ponies are still bringing me all their disputes. Must I really solve all their constant bickering? I have tried to apply the law evenly, and yet they find it cruel when I sentence them to jail time. Are they studying a different edition of Equestrian law than I am?

I just got done throwing Rainbow Dash in jail for three months. The civic code page 492, section C, appendix 12 clearly states that no pegasus shall fly faster than one hundred kilometers an hour within five kilometers of Ponyville. She flew by and shattered the windows of Town Hall and killed Rarity’s cat. I had to lock her away.

Also, I need a new assistant. Spike’s crush for Rarity has become an obsession. Rarity hasn’t actually figured out that Opal died and Spike left to learn everything about Rarity’s kitty. He thinks that he’ll be able to seamlessly replace Opal and consequently get close to her. Right now he’s closely examining how Rarity treated her pussy. . . cat.

Please, you have to fix this! I’ve heard rumors that they’re going to mutiny. I have to force Scootaloo to test all my food for me to make sure it’s not poisoned. She wasn’t too happy about it. She kept on running away, so I requested a ball and chain from royal requisitions. It works quite well.

Your confused princess,

Twilight Sparkle.

“I swear, Cellu, that was the biggest mistake I ever made. . .”

“Don’t be so hard on her. I am you, and I care deeply for Twilight,” Cellu replied. “Very, very deeply... So deep... So warm...” she panted, suddenly blushing.

Celestia took a couple deep breaths. “You’re right,” she sighed. “Cadance was like this her first month too. You reply to these letters while I finish.”

Cellu sighed and poofed a quill and ink into existence. Celestia tried to relax and took up the task herself. Furiously, she worked to find her rest and satisfaction. Her heart raced, her face flushed red. She looked up at Cellu.

The clone had donned some incredibly alluring black rim glasses. She winked at Celestia and licked her lips, flitting her eyes with the princess’s hoofwork. As she got even closer the second time, two more letters materialized.

You’ve got mail! it bellowed obnoxiously.

Celestia lost it, but not in that way. It’s not like she had sweet, sweet release. No, nopony get’s off to spam mail.

She shouted in frustration. “Ugh, seriously? Cellu, take care of it!”

“Geez, bossy much?” She snapped open a letter and read for a second. “ Three fillies almost killed by something called a ‘gatling gun.’ Yes, I know just how to reply.”

“Don’t tell me, just do it!” Celestia blushed scarlet again. “And look at me while you do it! I want to see your eyes!”

Dear my Sexy Schoolgirl Student,

It is clear to me that the source of your stress can be fixed with research. Unsurprisingly, I think you’ve actually already tried that, but I’m assigning you special research. Sexy research. Like, the sexiest research. I find myself in need of information on sexual reproduction.

I hereby decree that you must complete doctoral level, qualitative dissertation on reproduction within a week. Your thesis is “How would I bring Princess Luna to complete satisfaction?” I want it to be a first person narrative with exceptional detail. Write believable characters and don’t make it trashy. And make the love scenes super hot.

The good Doctor will be the head of your committee, but first you need to correspond with him. He is the most knowledgeable expert in the field. I know this, trust me. He’s good. Very, very good.

He’s shy and often frequents places where unicorns experiment with dangerous time spells. Just cast something reckless, and he’ll show up. Oh, and have a net ready. You’ll know you’ve done it right when you hear a sort of squeaking, whirring sound. Aim the net at the blue box.

Also, prepare restraints, a kettle, two ripe apples, peanut butter, and a gag. Don’t worry, they’re for you, not him.

Best wishes in your research,

Cellu

P.S. I’m so hot right now.

P.P.S. Please, come to Canterlot after your done.

“There, Celestia, it is done. Twilight will not bother you any more for at least a week,” Cellu exclaimed.

Celestia had given up. She just couldn’t push herself over the edge.

“Why, what did you tell her?” she asked, disheartened.

“Oh, the usual: deep breathing exercises, pilates, a healthy diet, and exercise.”

“I thank you for your expertise, Cellu. You always have a way of calming her down”

“So, do you want to continue?” Cellu tempted.

Celestia sighed. She had lost her edge after Cellu stopped her magic.

“No, I’ve already wasted enough time. I’m going to go groom myself. I have a meeting with dignitaries tomorrow.”

Celestia powered up her horn to dispel the clone, but nothing happened. She tried again, and again without success. She grew frustrated. Her heat was starting to get to her. She itched and tensed, but she was far too busy to sit down and deal with it.

While there were times where her unique condition had weakened her magic powers, the royal wedding being a notorious and recent occurrence, it almost felt like somepony was dampening her magic. There was a difference between Cadance’s flank and a malicious outside entity trying to weaken a national leader.

Cellu smiled at her.

Whatever.

Celestia walked into her royal bathroom to draw up a hot bath, leaving her clone to wait on the sofa. As she walked into the bathroom, she saw another Celestia sitting in the tub full of hot water and bubbles.

“Celestia, darling, won’t you join me? The water is just how we like it!” Celestia cooed.

“Wha. . .?” Celestia stood mouth agape. “But—clone—sofa—” Celestia glanced back out at her clone, sitting idly on the soda.

“Don’t worry about it. I know what you want, you know what you want. We could both use a nice princess to warm up to.Just be a good girl and get in the tub with yourself,” she ordered. She lifted a hoof out of the water and frowned. “Well, I guess I can’t exactly snap my fingers anymore.”

Celestia walked over and eyed herself prospectively. She could hit two birds with one stone, bathe and scratch an itch. On the other hoof, It was odd to see yet another perfect copy of herself. Normally, she’d be able to scan this doppelganger with her magic, but the sexiness of her wet, silken self only made her crazier. Celestia started seeing lewd hallucinations and they were blocking her magic detecting HUD.

Had she made another clone, or did she fall asleep? Her brain was too full of fuck to discern any other reasonable explanations. So, since she was probably asleep, that meant only thing.

Luna! This is all her doing! she thought. How did she figure out my self-loving fetish?! She wants to watch me have an emotional impasse with myself!

She considered her options. Find peace of mind and body while her beloved sister watched her moan her own name, or continue getting more tired until she exploded Cadance’s magic plexus and indirectly caused the melting of ice caps from all the hot, sweaty bod— I digress actually.

“Luna, don’t you dare watch what I’m about to do,” Celestia ordered to nopony in particular.

As she stepped into the hot tub with herself, she secretly hoped Luna was watching.

“Now, come here to the water jets, and let your pal Tia show a trick a draqu—a dragon taught us,” Tia seductively commanded.

Celestia was immediately on top of Tia. She strummed Tia’s heartstrings and played her beautiful voice like a tuba, except with her tongue. Or a clarinet is probably closer in pitch, isn’t it? Celestia’s voice is like fourth or fifth register, so maybe a flute.

Their damp manes swirled together in the bubbly water as they embraced each other, not giving very much throught to any analogies.

This Celestia was different from the clone. Her heart beat more fiercely, and she treated her with passion. Unlike Cellu, who was for more casual encounters, Tia was somepony she’d bring to her parents. She was genuine, caring, always thinking about her, the perfect marefriend. Celestia based that on the weird hallucinations that played out an epic love story in front of her.

A friendship letter materialized above them, and Tia quickly clicked her hooves together and it vanished in a wisp of smoke. “I told you I could make all your worries melt away.”

Tia pushed Celestia onto a water jet, positioning her strategically on top of it. Celestia moaned and Tia let her moan straight into her mouth. The two held their kiss passionately. She didn’t even notice when yet another letter from Twilight appeared and fell into the hot tub.

You got m—

The messaging system short circuited and fatally electrocuted both of them. It pushed Celestia over the edge.

“Don’t hold back, say it,” Tia cooed.

“Oh Tia! Tia! Oh!” Celestia shouted, the electricity coursing through her.

“Not that! Say you’re sorry to the mail system!”

“I”m sorry for assuming that a pony couldn’t be sexually satisfied by a spam mail! It was insensitive of me and I’d like to issue a formal apology to all those who have spam mail fetishes!” she said very quickly before screaming at the top of her lungs.

Everything went white. The sheer bliss and euphoria burned her through. For a moment she could feel nothing, but exhilaration. As whiteness faded,she saw white shores... and beyond, a green country with a swift sunrise.. It really didn’t sound that bad.

While that happened her pupils enlarge to the size of dinner plates, one eyelid twitched, half-closed and the other eye seemed to pop out a little. Her jaw locked in an unnatural position, her tongue hanging down a bit lower than what seemed appropriate for tongue size. She drooled.

When she came to, Celestia looked around. She was now alone in the hot tub. Tia was gone, and it took awhile for her to regain the composure to speak.

She stepped out of the hot tub, just barely focused enough to quickly towel herself off with her magic. “Lulu, you so crazy...” she giggled. “I’m gonna make you so happy later...”

As she walked out of the bathroom, Discord came up from under the bath water gasping for breath. He had a devious smile, before snapping his fingers and vanishing.

Celestia stepped into her bedchamber. Those foreign dignitaries could wait til next month. She didn’t anticipate the post-sex stupor to end anytime soon. Also, sleeping would be nice, but right as she crawled into bed and closed her eyes for the night, she noticed another Celestia had been their the entire time. On the sofa still sat Cellu.

“What in the name of Faust?” she asked stupidly.

“Come, sssleep with usss. We sshall teach you true passsion,” the new Celestia hissed. She would have recognized the voice if that last release didn’t short circuit her entire brain. She attempted to remember her birthday.

“Dairycember, caketown,” she muttered goofily to herself with a big stupid, “I can’t see straight” grin on her face. She grabbed the new Celestia’s hoof and gave it a big, wet, sloppy kiss.

“Yes, Tia, join us,” Cellu said as she climbed into bed.

Celestia was conflicted. On the one hand, Luna would never let her live this down. On the other hand, it would feel so good. . . A foursome with herself. Or was it a threesome? Celestia had no idea.

“Luna,” she said to the ceiling. “You will keep my fetishes between us, or so help me everypony is going to know about ‘Princest’.”

The two clones began a three way kiss with the original.

“So,” Celestia said, breaking away. “Since this is all just a dream, that means Luna is watching and probably directing this. Who want’s to give her a show?”

“I’ll ssshow you my sssilver tongue,” Celessstia slurred.

“No wonder you’re slurring, that tongue is at least two feet long. Luna and her twisted sense of humor. Alright Celessstia, get to work.”

Celestia began kissing Cellu, and Celessstia headed for her lower half. The three white sun goddess’ embraced on the bed. In a tangle of legs, manes, and tails, they became entwined in the act of love.

Celessstia had not been lying about her silver tongue. The length certainly had obvious advantages, something that Celestia would have to implement into Cellu. Meanwhile, Cellu suckled her neck, chest and mouth, eventually getting hot enough herself to give something Celestia to suckle back.

Pulses quickened, heat rose and moans grew louder and louder, filling the air. They reeked of sweat and fluids. Celestia figured round two would have to take place back in the tub.

The silver tongue probed deeper and deeper and Cellu’s moans only reflected Celestia’s own ecstasy. She could barely breath or moan. Only tightness, hotness and ecstasy pervaded.

“I will go into the West, and remain Celestia!” Celestia shouted.

“I cannot do this alone!”

You’ve got mail!

Two more letters from Twilight snapped into existence. The sudden sound of their arrival pushed Celestia over the edge. She squirmed and flailed, held fast in an embrace by her other selves.

She blacked out completely. Sleep had taken her.

Celestia found herself in a poorly lit dungeon. The furniture in the dungeon was not what she had expected, for no such things existed in Canterlot. She was strapped to a table, horribly exposed.

There were tables built for a pony with leather straps, large latex beds, and outfits Celestia would not be caught dead in. Harnesses, saddles, bits, and gags hung from the walls alongside whips and chains.

“Welcome, Celestia,” a voice called out.

Celestia turned to see another version of herself.

“Wha. . . Lulu?” Celestia cried out.

“No, thou shalt calleth me Mistress,” the other Celestia commanded.

“Why would I do that?” Celestia asked.

“Because I commandeth thou!” Mistress cracked a whip across her flank.

Celestia yelped.

“Lulu, that hurt! End this dream at once,” she cried.

The whip sailed through the air, hitting her again. “Mistress, that hurt.” the other Celestia corrected, as she hovered a large bit over. “Submit! Otherwise, I will giveth you this, the largest of my bits.”

“. . . Yes. . . mistress.”

“Excellent.”

Princess Incestia pulled a bag gag into her mouth and pulled her head up, whispering harshly into her ear. “I shalt enjoy this, dear sister.

Celestia awoke in the morning alone, in her bed. She felt as if she had slept for months, and there was not a hint of stress or worry in her. She felt like a newborn foal, in more ways than one. Not only was she innocent and perfectly relaxed, but she had even wet her bed like a foal.

Celestia got up and levitated all the linens into a pile near the wall. She considered letting the maids wash and dry the bed sheets. Then she began to remember why they were wet, and what she had spent last night doing.

She grabbed a letter from Twilight on her nightstand and unrolled it to confirm her suspicions.

Dear Cellu,

Thank you for the tip about the peanut butter. Me and the Doctor had a wonderful time last night. I’ve never researched so, qualitatively, before. I released Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo, and all the town ponies forgive me. I’m so happy I fixed all their problems.

I’ve still got some bruises and I can’t stand up straight. The Doctor was so amazing, the way he handled his sonic screwdriver was profound. He promised to come back tonight and so we can continue our research. It was the best night ever!

Your happy, happy, happy student!,

Twilight Sparkle

Celestia stopped to think. If last night had been some dream with all the clones, then why would she be responding to a letter from my clone?

All the puzzle pieces snapped together. Now that her stress was gone, it was all so clear. Luna had suggested she blow off steam. Discord, offering her release and the strange clone of Celestia in the hot tub. Chrysalis, and the clone slurring in the bed. And the dungeon. . .

Incinerating her bed sheets to hide the evidence, she stormed off to find her beloved sister.

If it was Lulu in the dominatrix dream, and Twilight replied to the letter, it meant she was definitely awake with the clone and two other Celestia’s. Only two beings could assume Celestia’s shape, and coincidentally, two such beings were guests of the royal family.

Luna had not only discovered her deepest secret desires, but she had invited their guests in on it to help her find release.

Celestia burst through the doors into the private dining hall. They were exactly where she expected to find them. They were eating breakfast, and playing cards.

“LUNA!” Celestia shouted in the royal canterlot voice. The guards around the room snapped to attention. When they got a look at the blushing, furious Celestia, they all filed silently out of the room to find a safe hiding place. She had not even bothered to put her crown or regalia on.

“Oh my,” Discord stated. “A full house, I better go check on my guests.” He flung his poker hand up in the air, and they turned into plastic butterflies. As his hand fluttered around the room, he snapped his fingers and vanished.

“Thisss isss mossst unfortunate, I forgot to feed my changelingssss,” Chrysallis hissed. With a flash of her horn, she vacated the premises.

Luna gulped and faced her sister, alone. “Pray! Tia, how can I helpeth you this lovely morning?”

Celestia took a few steps forward, her horn glowing.

“I hear the moon is lovely this time of year. Shall we take our usual gags, or the special occasion ones?”

“Special occasion ones?” she squeaked, fearfully.