Bearings of life

by Schmleh

Rating: everyone
Tags: Tragedy, Slice of Life, Sad
Length: 5995

If the world is ready to bring you down... If you live your life in a hole... If you can't go on... Then... what?

Where do I belong?

Life fades from possibility as his inner self falls to despair. Without the will to live, there is no more reason for Horizon. no reason to keep going on. Like a fork in the road, a decision, of life and of death, can decide his destiny.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-21 08:10:01 UTC

My life

-This is my story.

~~~

I walk on while taking a look around. All is normal with the world. Ponies are relaxing with the animals. The leaves of the trees are sunset red. The gentle breeze rippling through my mane.

It's the highlight of my day, as it will always be. This is the only time when I can be me.

Yes, I am always me.

When I am me, I am a normal pony. Most days I don't have much to do, besides earning the bits, selling merchandise...

I'm a bookseller. My variety of books doesn't exactly match the library's, but I have a large amount. I've seen many ponies come in the book shop. Even the Twilight Sparkle has come before. Yes, the element of magic, abandoning studies for a new book to relax with. It's always peaceful.

Wait. There's a but.

But. When I am me, things are different. I am not peaceful... But sad. And angry. And living. And... dying.

My life is composed of a routine. Wake up... work... sleep. I really don't have anything to do with hours of my life everyday. My life itself is composed of just a few things. I don't have anything to do. It's... boring. In a way of viewing it. But a few hours... it's nothing to being myself. Being myself... I can take days for that.

So in all... What am I?

I am sad.

Oh... I am sad. I am desperate, I am drowning, I am dying. I don't have time for inner me. I am lonely. I am crying, and through gritted teeth and tied hooves, I have endured my fillyhood. Partially. My memories are what's left of it but those would follow me to the depths of Purgatory.

As a child... no. There was no tragedy. It was fine. It was happy. Very nice. For... outer me. A me that everypony knew me as. Everypony... except me. When has Everypony ever included me?

Inside.. when somepony gets angry at me for something I do, I die. When somepony is sad because of me, I die. When nopony cares about anything I do and why I am there and why am I alive, I die.

And I must have died a billion times.

So... when no pony is there, and no pony is looking, I cry.

I cry my heart out. I cry my woes away. I cry myself to sleep, an acquaintance called sad aiding me along and somepony called loneliness there too.

And when I am not crying, when I am not dying, I take my melted-wax heart, and mold it into something that can survive until I get home from working.

And there are only a few times when I feel at home. Only a few places I think of as home. When I am being sad, and when I am at the park.

When at the park, I think it's my closest experience to happiness. I find nothing wrong with the world there, excluding myself.

Today, I can see Fluttershy there. She's an old classmate of mine. We met in school, a little before Ms. Cherilee came to school. She was the only one who would even listen to me. She helped me along for when I needed a friend. I remember a day when we just cried into each other for all of the stormy trip. She was crying for a different reason than me, but oh, how nice it was to share my  feelings. How nice it was to know that somepony could listen to my real feelings, that someone might care, It was like a painful secret that I could finally shout out to the world.

A few days after that was when I realized, I needed somepony to care for. And somepony to care for me.

I haven't found her yet.

And so, as I walk along, I can think quietly with Fluttershy nearby and no one noticing me.

It's at least comforting.

That's really the best I can do in life.

***

A few days pass as I stagger on through my half existence.

It surprises me that the Twilight Sparkle is back, and that she brought her friends. Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity are quietly looking at books. Or semi-quietly because Pinkie Pie is about to explode.

Although I barely notice any of it... I was thinking. Fair thoughts that were neither happy or sad. But... Fluttershy walks up to me, and says hello.

I was not really focused on what was happening, so I give a small yelp, leading to one from Fluttershy. A habit I learned from her.

"Ah... Oh. He- Hello Fluttershy."

"Hi," she says, hiding behind half of her hair.

"It's been some time, hasn't it?"

"Yes. I can't remember the last time I saw you."

"It was some time ago. So, what-... what brings you here?"

"Well Twilight wanted some things, and She brought all of us with her..."

"Oh. A- anything that you want for yourself?" I've always been nervous around her. Probably my reflexes. Hers, more specifically.

"Well, I-"

"AAGGHH!!! I can't take it any more! How can you all be so QUIET!?!" The Pink mare has brought out large confetti cannons. She proceeds to cause several explosions as Applejack is opening her mouth to speak.

"Ergh." The orange pony spits out a large bundle of colorful paper. "Pinkie, could you... just... I don't know, NOT bring those to a library!?" Rainbow Dash is straining to restrain her. "Hey, Applejack, just relax! Pinkie didn't mean to do it! It just, you know, happened. Before... you... ATE PINKIE'S CONFETTI! HAHAHA how did it taste? You had woooooood piled in your mouth- You were all 'BLAH ROAR Im going to get you YARGARGAR Ima monster now gonna get you pinkie-!!! HAHAHA!"

By now, Rarity is holding Applejack still as she tries to grab Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, both of whom are bounding across the room with boisterous laughter.

Twilight notices me and carefully walks over. I notice that Fluttershy is hiding under the coffee table.

"Erm... sorry for the inconvenience... We can clean all of it up, but... erm... How about you close the store and come with us as we bring everyone to the sugarcube corner?" Twilight has a sheepish smile on her face that seems to have a hint of annoyance.

"It's no big deal. You don't have to do anything."

"Alright then, ummm... now, could you excuse me as I..." The annoyance is back, but it's not trying to hide anymore.

"Sure. I'll step outside for a moment." I go outside. Deciding that I don't need to listen, I take a short walk.

I haven't taken much time for myself lately. More and more ponies are interested in books. I've been quite frantic over the past few days.

When I get back in the store, Twilight is still scolding with a shameful tone to Apple jack, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie.

"Erm..."

"It's fine, I'm just about done here." She glances at the ponies, who simultaneously say, "I'm sorry sir."

"Oh. Okay."

Fluttershy is still trembling under the table so I help her out.

"Hmm. Do you two know each other?"

"Yes," Fluttershy speaks. "Twilight, this is Horizon."

"Horizon... That's a nice name. It's nice to meet you. You can call me Twilight."

"I know Horizon from school. We helped each other."

"Helped ...each other? Erm, never mind. So, do you want to go over to the SugarCube corner with us?" She looks at Pinkie Pie who seems to be giggling and fidgeting with something in her mane.

"Oh... well...-"

"-Aw, don't be shy. We're cool." Rainbow Dash says.

"... okay then."

So, the 7 of us head outside. Pinkie Pie gives a goodbye to the store with yet another blast of colored paper.

***

I have a good time eating a vanilla-frosted rainbow-sprinkled cherry-dipped cupcake. I never really took much pleasure to eating. Fluttershy sits next to me with an equally delicious looking ice cream cone.

"She's actually not mean, just really loud." Fluttershy says quietly.

"Oh, no, it's alright. Really."

"Okay then."

She stares out the window. "Do you still get sad?" She asks.

I don't know how to answer. I think about it. I shouldn't have. Before I know it, I am hugging Fluttershy. She yelps, but then quiets herself.

"Oh! Horizon... you..."

I let go of her. "I miss you," I say. I don't know why I did that.

"I miss you too," Fluttershy says with a comforting smile.

"LET'S HAVE A PARTY!!!" Pinkie yells.

"BOO-YAH!!! 'S GONNA BE SO AWESOME!" Rainbow Dash returns.

"Agh... what am I doing with you gals?" Applejack says.

And then Pinkie and Rainbow Dash are racing across town with invitations while ponies come flooding in.

Me and Fluttershy retreat upstairs where Twilight and Rarity have already gone up to.

"My, my, she sure has energy."

"Well, Rarity, she always got hyped up in quiet places..."

"I assume that you won't be bringing her into any other libraries?"

"Mmm. Pretty much."

Then, Pinkie Pie races up into the stairs, Rainbow Dash just behind.

"HAH! I beat YOU here Dashie!"

"What??? I beat you flying through a pony crowd indoors! I beat YOU!!"

"I STILL BEAT YOU!!! HAHAHA- THAT WAS FUN- HAHAHA!!!"

"Yeah. that was fun. HAHAHA!!!"

Pinkie Pie turns toward me.

"You're a Pegasus also. BET I CAN BEAT YOU LIKE I DID WITH DASHIE IN A RACE!!! HAHAHA!!!"

I nervously rustle my wings and take a small step back.

"Er..."

But now, Pinkie Pie is now giving me an inquisitive look, as if she just realized something. Applejack walks in. She seem different...

"OH MY CELESTIA! APPLEJACK YOU'RE--- BLUE!!! AHAHAHA!!!" Pinkie Pie erupts.

Applejack stares back at her.

"I know," she says flatly.

"By the way... Pinkie... WHY IS THEIR A PAINT FIGHT DOWNSTAIRS!?!?!?"

"A Paint fight??? Sounds fun!!!"

She hops forward, but then stops. Then she turns to me and once again, gives an inquisitive look, then gives a small gasp.

"Horizon... You're... blank. Like- really blankly-blankety-blank."

Rarity turns towards me.

"Oh. You are... absent of a mark, too..."

All the ponies turn to me. I nervously move back again.

"... I know!"

Pinkie runs down the stairs, then comes back spattered with streaks of paint. She holds up a few paint buckets.

"I'll give you a cutie mark, if you want."

"Well..."

"Aw, don't worry! Auntie Pinkie Pie's here!"

"Pinkie..." Fluttershy says. "Horizon's older than me and I'm a year older than-"

"SO! What do you like doing, Horizon???"

"Um... well..."

"Aw, just say it."

"I-... I don't like doing anything."

I start turning away as she brings a thoughtful hoof to her cheek.

"OH OH OH! I know!"

Pinkie dips the paintbrush into the white, and paints an invisible blotch on my white coat.

"White fooooooooooooooor... nothing!"

"Pinkie..." Applejack begins. Pinkie doesn't seem to get it.

"No... It's fine. I- I should start going home, it's a little late... Uh... Thanks Pinkie. I appreciate it."

"Don't worry, Auntie Pinkie'll always be here to turn that frown, upside-down!"

I'm already down the stairs. There is a paint fight and I get splattered with lot's of paint. It's alright, just a little color in my life.

When I get to my house, I lie down.

~7 years before~

I reach school. Dad said I had to walk because bringing me would make him late to work.

It's far to get to school, and it made no sense. His schedule, he said, always stays the same, in his business lecture.

Maybe he didn't care.

Maybe he wanted time alone. Without me.

Walking in to the classroom, I wipe away a tear.

~~~

"Now, now, students. Settle down. Just because lunch is next, doesn't mean you have it now."

Hmm, it's real rowdy today.

"Hey, Miss Cheerilee. Does this look like a butterfly???"

A butter--?That's... a house...-- Is it?

"It's artistic and amazing. I think you should be proud of your drawing. (...?)"

"Yay, Octavia! I told you so!!!"

What???

I take a look around. All the fillies are wreaking havoc, save a handful. I walk around the room to a quiet white filly, a paper in front of him and a pencil in his mouth. Horizon, wasn't he? He is resting. He seems peaceful. I look at the paper.

A flower's blooming,

life resuming-

But nopony knows,

my endless throes

I am left

Of what has gone

A memory

that can't move on.

I may be smiling.

That could be lying.

I might be crying.

I could be dying.

Oh my gosh.

Now, I notice that there are round patches that are darker and easier to see through than the paper around it. I smooth over them with a soft hoof. The patches are wet.

He was crying.

~Lunch~

There he is again. In the grass, just like yesterday, and before that. What is he doing? Just staring at the sky maybe. I like the sky, too. I walk over. He doesn't seem to notice me.

"Um... hi."

"Hmm?"

He has a surprised look and his face is red-ish.

"Oh, sorry if I'm disturbing you."

"Oh. No, it's alright."

He goes back to looking up, a sorrowful face, looking at the sky.

"Uum, what... are you doing?"

"Hmm? Oh. I'm-... I'm... looking at the sky."

"Why?"

"Why? I..."

"Mmmhmm?"

"Well... I..."

But I can tell he doesn't want to tell me.

"Why can't you tell me? Is it a secret???"

"No, it's just that I..."

Just say it!

"Why don't you tell me?"

"Ummm... I..."

"I'm going to walk away if you don't tell me."

He looks at the sky.

"Hmmf! Fine."

He's annoying. I don't have to talk to him.

And I walk away.

~After School~

"No, no, no, to kick the ball right, you don't lift your hoof up, you spring it forward!"

I have no idea what that means. I run forward.

"Come on son. Watch it, your cousins getting ready to-"

"Hold on- I'm thinking where to-"

"Don't think- just go!"

My cousin quickly takes the ball and kicks it towards my second cousin.

"What? What were you doing? You have to learn how to keep the ball. Why can't you do such a simple thing?"

Well dad, you can't just do things by thinking, saying, or wishing them.

"..."

"Just keep the ball and don't let them get-

Hey, why can't *you** try getting it?*

-and don't just run around them, get it! Get the ball!"

But you were just talking to me and would yell at me if I don't listen!

I am running and running. I don't want my dad to be disappointed at me.

"Son, you have to learn how to-"

"I know! I know! I know it but I can't do it!"

"Why not?! Just DO it!"

"What if I'm not able to? What if I can't just do it because I want to? I don't even want to anymore. You're not a coach or anything, and we weren't even competing!"

"Well you are now!"

My cousins have stopped playing soccer. They're just staring at us as we argue.

"What do you mean? This was a team effort."

"Well not anymore. You have to learn how to do things for your-"

"I know how to do things for MYSELF. But you're there yelling at me for not doing this and not doing that."

"I'm only letting you have some exercise!"

"I was getting exercise! Fun exercise! But you were yelling at me and-"

"I'm only trying to give you good exercise!"

Good exercise? What does that mean? Why isn't fun exercise good?

"What good exercise? How is it good? You just yell at me to learn something while telling me to do two things at once!"

"Son, Listen. You aren't doing what you are supp-"

"I'm not? I'm not doing what-? What is it that you want me to do so that you can stop yelling-"

"I'm NOT yelling! You're the one with a bad attitude-"

"You play then! I'm not going to anymore!"

"Fine, be that way!"

He does he steps in my place as a run to the grass.

In already a few moments, he's having fun. Fun exercise. I bite down on a daisy, hard, and grind it to pulp in my mouth.

~~~

That filly, horizon. I can't believe it! such amazing poetry! I wonder what it means... hmm...

I continue down the lane.

It's a nice day. I think this is the climax of the season. Oh, look at all the fillies playing in the park today. Hey! It's him again, in the grass.

Several fillies and a stallion are running in the field as Horizon sits on the grass.

I wonder why he doesn't go play with that nice family right there...? He could have a lot of fun in soccer.

I walk on.

~ Right after the soccer game~

"Hey, son. Did you have fun at soccer today? A good exercise, right?"

He pats my back.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHATDOYOUTHINKISWRONGWITHTHATSENTENCEDAD

"I-... I guess so."

He gives me a smile and starts walking down the road.

I fall over.

Aaaa....agh...

~Present Day~

"Where did you know him from?"

"Oh... well, a long time ago, we met in school."

"Hmm. It was like something was on his mind."

"He was sad."

"Sad? About what?"

"Well... he...:"

"He...?"

"Um... he..."

"Aw, C'mon, Fluttershy."

"Um... Rainbow Dash... He..."

"Argh!!! He WHAT!?!?!"

"He doesn't like letting people know. He thinks they won't care."

"Dawww.... Huh. Oh, well."

Rainbow Dash is already dashing off. The leaves are still twirling around. I take a small walk in the park. He never seems to be there when I want him to. I want someone to talk to. Ha-ha, I still remember how we met. Hmm.

~~~

I walk through the room continuously. I wanted to do something, but I don't know what. I can't remember. I was curious... about...-???

"AGH!"

"Eep!"

"Hey, watch where you're going, twerp!"

"Oh... I'm sorry."

"You should look at ponies when they're talking to you."

The pony grabs me angrily grabs me angrily.

"Ah... I'm sorry! Its just that I- I- I-"

"Look, you're not cute. Just stay away from me!"

"Oh... I- um..."

He throws me down on the floor. I feel really warm at my eyes.

"But- bu-... *sniff* I..."

And I run out of the classroom.

~Lunch~

He...! He was so mean... I- I- ahhhh- I-

I spot Horizon on the grass.

I could- maybe talk to him about it. I don't think he'll care if I say the world is ending... Though I might....

I am walking towards him when-

"Fillies? It'll rain soon. You all should come inside."

I turn around at Ms. Cheerilee, then at Horizon. Everypony else is running in.

"Ho- Horizon?"

"Hmm?"

"It- It's going to rain."

"I know."

"You know? Oh. We should... go inside."

"I- I want to stay out here."

"But- but you'll get wet."

"I know. That's alright. I... I like the rain."

He looks down as he said it.

"You do?"

"I like the rain... because then, nopony knows..."

"Nopony knows what?"

"...So that nopony knows that I'm-"

He has put his face in the grass.

"Nopony knows that I'm--!"

"Horizon? Are you still out? And Fluttershy! Come on in."

He slowly gets up. I walk in with him. His hair hangs over his face as he drops down near the window.

Thunder immediately crashes.

"Agh!"

I don't like thunder.

I lie down next to him as he stares outside. I'm shaking. Thunder is very scary. I need something to distract me.

"Um... Ho- Horizon... Wh- wh- what were you going to say yesterday?"

"Hmmm? Oh. Nothing..."

"But you were still trying to tell me that you...?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

*POW* *CRACK* *BAM*

"Eeep-! Ah... Um... You were... um...-"

"HEY! What are you doing here?"

"H- Huh?"

That pony, from earlier.

"I said, what are you doing here?"

"Um... Uh... Please don't..."

Everypony's looking at us now. The pony is staring me in the face and I am already crying and I know he wants to hurt me as he raises a hoof-

-And is punched in the face. Horizon stands between him and me.

"Stop."

The pony looks up from the floor.

"OW! What was that for!?"

"Just stop it."

He runs off. I'm inexplicably crying even more now.

"Hmm? there was some noise... I wonder what happened?"

Ms. Cheerilee turns around curiously, then stares at the board again, writing more down.

"Are you okay?"

Horizon stands next to me, bending down to my face.

"I- I am... I... Um- A- a- are you?"

"Of course I am."

And I grab him tightly, freely sobbing onto his mane.

"Fluttershy... It's- it's alright."

"Hmm? Now what happened here?"

Ms. Cheerilee has walked over.

"It's fine, Ms. Cheerilee. We're all fine here. I think."

"Hmm... well- ...if you say so..."

She is walking away again.

Horizon's starting to let go of me, so I hug him even tighter.

~~~

"... be rain today. Do not go outside at-"

I turn the set off. A storm'll be fine. I don't mind the rain.

Nopony will be outside today... I think I'll go to the Library. An interesting change of events.

So, slowly, slowly, slowly forward. It really is a nice day, even though there should be rain. Quiet, breezy, and calm. Until I hear multiple voices.

"Hey hey hey! Slow it down, Pinkie! We'll get there."

"UUUuuhhhh but I'm so bored I want- There's nothing to do just walking- SO TOO QUIET HEREEEEE!!!!!

Just my luck. Sigh. I make a very sudden right, calmly vanishing to the other street. Kind of. I'm fairly sure that Applejack saw me. Well, let her have.

"So...?"

Yes, she saw me indeed.

"Sooo, any reason for your hiding?"

I don't answer, only just look away.

"Hulloooo??? Horizon?"

I let out a sigh.

"I can't be around you guys."

"What? Why not?"

Why not indeed...

I should tell myself in my own mind... No, I don't really care. I mean, I do, but...

"Explaining it would rid it of its reason."

"Hrrm... Rid it of its reason...? Is this one of the 'say silence's name and it shall disappear' thangs?"

"Mmmmm.... I- I guess you could say that."

"Hrmmm... Well I just-"

"Please don't talk to me... Not- not now."

"What? Well why not???"

"I told you before."

"You told- You're a tricky stallion, ya know that?"

"Tricky? I- I always thought I was too... I was shunned by life so, please... don't try to coax out my secrets."

"You- What beast couldja be holstering in that minda' yours?"

"..."

I start walking away. She isn't following me. She isn't. No... she...

No...! It's not... the inside... Please... somepony tell the beast outside to let me go! Please! P-... please... just... can't somepony care to destroy my monster outside... and set me free?

I am crying as quietly as I can, hoping that someone can hear me.

~~~

The Library is open. Inside, a purple- green dragon tends to the books.

"Hi, can I help you? Twilight's not in right now. She says she'll be back soon."

"Oh, no. I only wanted to see some books."

"Oh. Well... okay then."

A day of reading. It's kind of ironic, considering how I'm a bookseller. I enjoy books not-so-often because of the many things I have. Or maybe the few lengthy activities of mine. I can see why Twilight spends so much time reading. Adventures are my favorite, the development of a lonely character, caught in the moment, facing tests that change them and their beings, finding a new way to think of themselves and others. Life is an adventure.

And yet...

Me. There's me, isn't there? The exception. What adventure? What tests? What life?

Not mine.

How

I shut the book. It's been quite a few hours, and I've cried quite a bit. I can't look at the things others see in the same way. I walk out the door waving goodbye to Spike, who doesn't notice due to his persistence in working.

I can't walk straight, only zig-zag-y because I am still deeply thinking about something. I dare not show it, except I can't see what my face seems like. I can hear laughter echoing across the town. No doubt "Pinkie an' Dash" are out. I can practically see Twilight rolling her eyes behind them. I think of my run-in with Applejack. A reason... a sad reason. Just like all the ones that can make me cry on the spot... The ones that make me cry... make me cry... I'm flowing down my cheeks still, though no one is around. I'm a little glad for that... though I don't know why. It's a little depressing, the way that I think sometimes.

I am slowly, slowly, slowly, walking down the road as I leave the Library  The whisper of wind comes and goes, and I can almost hear a secret blown through the town.

Or maybe I'm hearing myself...

"-and then the giant stuffed turkey EXPLODES so that the ponies are SPLAT-ed with ice cream and then THAT'S!... when I licked everyone."

"Pinkie... I said we didn't need to know that."

"But Dashie said I could say it so I told her, it's your fault you were listening."

"But Pinkie, you were shouting through rows of houses and megaphoning to everypony you saw!"

"Well Dashie was the only one that wanted to listen so it's still your fault. Right, Dashie?"

"..."

"Dashieeeee... come out and plaaay...!"

"...Pinkie..."

"Yees?"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA HOW COULD YOU DO ALL THAT IF I WAS THERE I WOULD HAVE ALL THAT MILK RUNNING OUT MY NOSE BWAHAHAHA!!!!"

"HAHAHAHA!!!"

"HAHAHAHA!!!"

"So, Horizon, what'd you thinka all that?"

Applejack lays a hoof on my back with a smug look on her face.

Huh? When had they gotten close? They're practically facing me. I must have forgotten to move...

"Hur... um?"

"So nice ta see ya'gain. What's a lonely stallion like you still wanderin' round here?"

"Still? You were out before?"

Applejack and Rainbow Dash question me deeply. Rarity is rolling her eyes.

"So when did you start dating Flutters over here?"

"Wha-"

"Didja have a mean family?"

"I-"

"HOLD UP, applejack. Here is a big one. Which. Is. The. Best. Cupcake. Now answer me or I will hurt you."

"Um... I-"

"Dash, donchu think thas' goin' a bit-"

"Applejack! Let the stallion answer the question."

Rainbow Dash presses her face forward and I move back.

"Um... well... I... Iced-dream cupcakes?"

"YES! Alright then. Now I know I can trust you. All yours AJ."

"Nice. Sooooooo... Horizon. What is the big deal with... your thoughts?"

"Applejack... that's really personal."

To my surprise, Fluttershy has stood up for me.

"What? But why?"

"It... just is."

I can tell from the way she shuffles nervously that she doesn't usually speak against her friends.

"Hmm. What couldit be?"

"Fluttershy's right. This is no way to treat a gentlecolt such as Horizon anyway. Would you care to come with us and chat over a spot of tea?"

Rarity is smirking to Applejack.

"I... I would love to, but-"

"Fabulous! Come along, now."

Rarity starts trotting off towards her home. Rainbow Dash and Applejack nudge me along. Soon enough, all seven of us pile into Rarity's home. It smells of flowers all over.

"Care for tea, anypony?"

"I'll have a little."

"Me too, if you don' mind it."

"Nope!"

"Horizon, what about you?"

"No... really... I'm fine."

"Oh don't be ridiculous, Horizon. Come, have a seat and maybe we can chat a little!"

"Over those two ridiculous ponies," Rarity whispers to me while motioning to Pinkie and Rainbow.

I help Rarity pour the tea as Applejack resumes.

"So...? Horizon...?"

I silently tip the kettle.

"Horizon...... Come out and play........"

A give in as I start on my tea.

"My... thoughts... Don't act like yours."

"Meaning what?" Rarity inquires.

"I... When I was a foal... I had my mind laid out for me."

"Go on...."

"I gained the foundations of my thoughts... A basis on how I should react. And... I got them through learning how to defy them. So... I..."

"DAW...! Not this again!" Rainbow Dash bursts.

"Rainbow Dash..." Fluttershy wants to say something.

"Wait..."

"Just say it! That's all I got from Fluttershy and I can't handle it tell me already come on I wanna know-"

"Rainbow! Please, don't."

"DAWWWWWWWWWWWWW....- huuuuuughhhhhh...."

"Wait! Foundations of thoughts?"

I begin differently for Applejack.

"I... It means that reality... hit me early, And... I figured things out. I-... I...-!"

"Don' worry, don't hurt yerself trying to say something."

Applejack looks away slowly, as if she just thought of something.

"HORIZON! I just thought of something that would make me really sad and it means that if you I wouldn't blame-"

Pinkie has shouted this out, but seems to be whispering to Rainbow Dash, although it's loud enough that we can all hear it.

"Dashie do you think something happened wit his family-???"

~6 years ago~

My family is slowly trotting, sending me to an extra school for Saturdays. Everyone besides me has been arguing since before we left, this is how it began:

"Mom, my friend says I can redeem credits and stuff from the Emath academy." That was my sister. Emath was a school she went to.

"Are you sure? The last time we went, they had no ceremony, even though they said." My mom, though she's been really angry at Emath for being annoying and complicated.

"I know, but she got a call telling her about the ceremony."

"What? But why haven't we gotten a call?" You see, Emath gave you some sort of reward if you got to the best school you could have with it's training. My sister did exactly that.

"I don't know, Emath is stupid!"

And then we left home on the road to bring me to my school. My sister briefed dad on the situation.

"What? A ceremony? Why weren't we called about it?"

"Exactly! I was telling mom!"

"Emath is so annoying!"

"Well we should go then."

"What? Last time we checked, there was none."

"I know, but your friend was called on it."

It was silent for a few moments, then my dad announced we were going to the ceremony.

"You could have called them." Dad talks again.

"What do you mean, called them?"

"I'm saying it's your fault we didn't know about it."

"What?! My fault?"

"Of course."

"How!?"

"Well, if you called, they would've told you!"

"What? They don't care! Besides, Emath doesn't even remember me! I'm just another drone to them."

"Listen, if you called them, they would have-"

"No, they wouldn't have done anything!"

"Listen, you are the-"

"I'M NOT ANYTHING! I-"

"It's about the responsibility! You have to-"

"Responsibility? That has noth-"

"You mus learn how to resolve the- Listen! You-"

"I- It's not my fault that-"

"No, li-"

"No way it wasn't my problem-"

"No, No, listen! You must listen to me. I'm your father, aren't I?"

"Why can't you listen to me? It's not my fault!"

My sister's crying by now.

"Yes, It's your fault. You have to make sure. Everything has to be perfect, and if not, then not."

"What does that even mean?"

"IT MEANS that you have to resolve the problem. Solve it. It's your responsibility."

My sister does nothing but stick her tongue out at him.

We reach my sister's ceremony, drop her off, stay for a little, then go home. I can hear them saying how proud they are of my sister.

Hey. Guess who everypony forgot about?

~Present day~

I run quickly out of the room. I can almost feel the eyes on the door, tracing my path. After a few seconds... Fluttershy creaks it open.

"Are... are you alright...?"

All the others follow her in.

"Um... Horizon???"

"Don't bother me. Please."

"Horizon......?"

I run out the house. I don't know what I will do when I get back to my house. Maybe lay down and die. I don't know what brought this on right now and I don't care. So I am running all the way back. I am standing on the sidewalk in front of my house. Then, a drop of water comes down. Hits me on the nose. I see the ground is already spotted with small dark drips. A torrent of water is soon drenching me as I stand outside.

I smile pathetically in the rain and fall over.

I like being in the rain, because then nopony can find out that I'm crying.

What if?

The time at the library goes along quickly. Nopony else has come to the library yet. It isn't lonely though. These books are little joys that I can spend time with. Spike, the young dragon, is keeping himself busy. The list on the wall occupies him, and though I've offered help, he refuses to stop working.

Such loyalty that companions share...

Such sadness that could be within.

What, is friendship...? Friendship... I find myself lonely and sad, and I don't have 'friends'. So... could friends be a way to relieve pain? Friendship could be amazing and wonderful.

And yet... There is something more. A share of feelings. A cry of hope. Could that... be friendship too?

Could it be something more?

When the days are cold, when life brings you down...

When the young turn old, and you're still not found...

Could it be, that there will a friend? A friend.

I was never a stallion of science... I thought too much for that. I thought Energy was a disturbance in possibility, I thought that  a life force was a meaning and the living representation of all, if nothing is to care then nothing is to matter, I thought that a feeling could be the ruler of all.

And the thing that troubles me the most...

I thought "what if?"

What if things weren't real?

What if thoughts ruled?

What if fears were reality?

It horrifies me when I think of it... More of fear and sadness...

But one question that no one may ever think of but me... one thing that will reverse my very existence...

What if... indeed...

So what is it? My one true fear. But also a wish.  A painstakingly hard wish that I would never say out loud, not even whisper in secret...

I've practically had nightmares and daydreams over it. I have actually. And...

And just thinking of it... Just thinking of it leaves me a shell of a puddle of a pony...

I might die for it. I might die with it. I might die... thinking it.

My life... no one cared. No one took notice to a random individual just like any other. But... a pony like me is not really me. If anypony could know who I really was, I... wouldn't be me. But really... I don't know whether I matter anymore. I don't even

know if I care.

It would not be thought at all if not for me, most likely the sole sane, depressed 'scientist'...

A question that reverses my very existence... My very.... Celestia, no... not my, my...

What- What if-...

I shouldn't bring myself to say it, I am slowly dripping onto the page a warm, quiet cry... Spike seems to notice me in my sadness but I tell him everything's fine... I don't want to think it... It pains me... And yet a part of me is always thinking it and I am straining not to erupt, to keep it in- to- to- to-

If nothing is to care then nothing is to matter.

Nothing is to matter.

Matter. Care. Me. Nothing.

I'll-... I'll allow myself to say it. Just... just this once.

Because... Because...!

"What if... someone cares?"