Dimensional Rift

by FullMetalPony

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Adventure, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6
Length: 20721

The first interstellar teleportation gets its signal hijacked. Cue Lyndon being put on a planet other than the one he signed up for. At least he can still study the planet while waiting to get rescued, right?

Science has finally progressed far enough that traveling to another star system no longer requires massive star ships and voyages months long. Lyndon Eliwood Tailor is the first human to teleport to his new home and new job on Boreas. Due to how the teleportation is conducted however an intense storm over the Everfree redirects the rematerialization. His new home isn't a geological research station and his new job isn't exploring and recording caves alongside the life that resides within them. His luck gets him planted on a planet where mythical creatures run free, and those creatures are intelligent. His only saving grace is that the first living thing he runs into doesn't want to eat him. Instead he gets to find out the joy of being studied by another sapient creature, at least it's a mutual exchange of information. If he can manage to not screw up first contact too badly, he might even get back to doing his job.

(Takes place between season 2 and 3)

Published 2013-12-27 12:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-21 07:16:30 UTC

The New Arrival

Light whites out my vision as the teleportation starts to take hold. Years of testing being scaled up enough to finally transport a living thing the size of a person to the stars instantaneously end in a matter of moments. I can't help but think that I am the first guy to make the trip to Boreas by a hole in reality, at least that's what I can gather from the people that actually made the thing. About a week ago I made the mistake of asking them why boosting the power wouldn't work and the technobabble still hasn't left my head. On the bright side, going from planetary range teleportation to interstellar range teleportation should only have the same side effects of being hungry and tired. I hear the lab tech counting down from ten and since I'm being filmed by every national news crew and some I think they made up for the occasion, naturally I decide to go ahead with the bet I made with Roland to have some famous last words recorded for posterity.

"I've had a hell of a lot of fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it. See you guys on the other side," I say grinning like an idiot. Two hundred dollars for quoting one of his favorite classic actors.

The light is no longer searing itself past my eyelids and it only takes a second for me to completely ignore it to focus on the agony my body is in. As I topple over I at least have the presence of mind to fall the safest way I know how, which is basically don't hit my head on anything. My muscles feel like they are all waking up at once and as fast as possible causing me to think that this is what swimming through electricity feels like. My stomach is starting a revolt against the rest of me to get me to get some food and failing that, continue on the contingency plan of salvaging my liver and spleen for energy. I swear I can already feel it happening. Thankfully the pain in my muscles quickly dulls and I settle on crossing my arms over my stomach in the vain hope that it will somehow stave off the feeling of hunger for a while. Now that I can think I notice that it's cold and dark, two things it definitely should not be. I open my eyes and see nothing but rock illuminated in a faint blue glow from the crystal in my ear, when I scan the area I see that there is the exit to the cave I find myself in. Using what little strength I have left I crawl closer to the opening and towards the wall so I can get some sleep without worrying about having something teleported into me and screwing things up even more.

The dawn wakes me from my rest and although returning to sleep sounds like a great plan I get up to do some quick damage control before following through on it. Sitting up slowly causes no problems so I take it to the next level and stand up, still nothing. I take a few steps forward to get me away from the wall and rotate my arms and legs one at a time followed by everything that can twist to see if anything causes pain. Feeling better now that my body is in working order I say screw it and move towards the wall not in direct sunlight so I can lay down and relax. It takes music playing in my head to remember that Null Set can actually do something useful for me right now. Since checking my mail, calling anyone I know, and surfing the internet are all out, I decide to have it run a self diagnostic to make sure everything is in place.

“Null Set, check to see if everything is in working order in my body. Have a list of any abnormalities ready when I wake up for me to go over,” I say in a normal speaking voice. I know the data center in my head can pick up the sound of me giving commands near silently but my voice just sounds too good to my ears right about now. Now making use of the only piece of technology left to me I go back to my original plan and sleep until noon to get all my energy back and then off to forage for food.

I wake up to the sensation of being gently poked in the side. It seems that someone wants to see if I'm still alive. I open one eye to see a stick jabbing me, ah the good old whack it and see if it moves test. I hit the stick away and it falls to the ground, odd, I don't think I would have hit it so hard that the owner would lose his grip. Looking around all I see is the stick where it fell. No one that could have been holding it in sight and I didn't hear any footsteps when I hit it. Scanning the rest of the rather spacious cave I notice a purple horse at the entrance, not grazing or enjoying the sun, but still as a statue and staring at me as if it's trying to will me into motion. The only way I can tell it's alive is the motion of breathing and the occasional blink. Off to the side of that one is a more normal looking orange horse sitting down and watching the other one instead of me. Less normal is the fact that it's wearing a cowboy hat and has a saddle bag open right next to it. The stick starts moving on its own and resumes poking me since mother nature herself needs to know that I didn't somehow die while trying to take this all in. Ok this needs to stop, if something was happening I would let this dream continue just for sheer novelty but having two horses in front of a cave is not exactly thrilling. Time to hate myself for ordering this.

“Null Set, shock me to wake me up,” the system shock hits me as the last word leaves my lips and my head jerks back to hit the cave wall. I clutch my head in pain. “Well that is never fun, but at least I'm awake now,” I say to myself with my eyes still closed. “Let's see what you found Null Set, anything broken, well besides pride?”

Subject: Lyndon Eliwood Tailor
Self Diagnostic Run On July 8th Local Time: Unknown
Resting Heart Rate: 107
Left Arm: Minor Lacerations
Left Leg: Minor Bruising

Before I can read beyond the superficial injuries I gave myself last night when I collapsed I feel a stick poking me. Batting the stick away again I now make the decision to sit upright with my back against the wall, stretch, and give myself a pep talk.

“When you open your eyes there will not be a purple horse acting like a statue looking at you, it will instead be a lovely young lady who found you and is only waking you up so you can have some medicine before getting some more rest. You should apologize for zapping yourself while under her care if she can understand English. If she doesn't I'm sure charades would work reasonably well,” I open my eyes only to be shown not only the purple and orange horses I feared would be there but also a blue one with a rainbow mane and tail hovering in between them. That can't be a natural color, someone on this planet has domesticated a pegasus and felt the need to pimp out its mane. Oh joy I think the damn teleporter sent me into an uncharted medieval fantasy planet. Wait, this is actually kind of awesome if nothing kills me.

Looking over all three of the horses a second time I notice that all of them are wearing different expressions on their faces making me question for the second time if I'm not in some strange dream. Cowboy is keeping an eye on me warily and has taken a defensive stance. Pegasus looks angry for some reason and I change “if nothing kills me,” to “even though something is going to kill me.” Since it's in the air glowering at me moving too fast seems like a terrible idea and my eyes move on to look at the purple one. This one I finally notice is a unicorn and it has a look of concern on its face and has taken a few steps closer to me. When it notices me staring it begins making noise that sounds higher pitched than I would normally attribute to a horse and has a rhythm to it that makes me think it's trying to speak.

“Hello, I am Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends Rainbow Dash and Applejack,” she points to herself, Pegasus, and Cowboy. How in the name of anatomy did that happen? I don't think legs are supposed to have that wide of a range of motion. My jaw drops a little and I try to remember if I have ever seen that happen before.

“You sure that thing can understand you Twi? It looks like Dash when you asked us all to sit through one of your presentations you were getting ready for,” Cowboy says looking at Unicorn. Pegasus is now looking at Cowboy like she insulted her mother. At least now I know everything is a target and not just me.

My stomach growls and ignoring getting some food for too much longer is going to cause some major problems if I find something unguarded. In a heroic effort to not have my first contact with the denizens of this planet be as a thief I stand and hope I can convey that all I want to do is leave and forage for something.

“So Unicorn,” I say as I point to her, “do you think I can look for food without Pegasus charging at me?” sweeping my arm over to where that one is still hovering. The chances of being understood is zero, but hopefully I can make it past them. I don't notice the insanely big grin Unicorn is giving me since I'm more focused on the obviously hostile Pegasus smirking at me. Wait, I've given some of my friends that look, usually right before I do something to crush their hopes and dreams. Unicorn moves so fast that I swear she teleported right on top of me and is currently pinning me to the wall with her front hooves. I have never been more terrified of a smile than in this instant. I know I should be trying to get out of her grip but I feel like a deer staring into the headlights of a truck.

“Oh my gosh you can talk, this is so amazing, a new species is discovered and we can communicate. Who are you? What are You? Where are you from? How did you get here? What are your favorite books? Why are you in a cave on the edge of the Everfree forest? You know unicorns and pegasi, do you also have earth ponies where you live, what about dragons or zebras or minotaurs or griffons? I want to know everything!” Unicorn asks in one long continuous breath.

The steadily increasing speed and volume of the voice brings some sense back into me and I try to process what just happened. Tackled, pinned to a wall, terrified, and verbally assaulted sounds about right. As I'm about to ask Null Set to replay what was just shouted at me at a slower pace I hear a small yelp and Unicorn pushes off of me and backs away slightly looking a little embarrassed while Pegasus is now on the ground laughing up a storm and Cowboy is just facepalming. Still really creeped out by that unnatural range of motion. Now free I take the opportunity to stretch and move around, slowly as to not provoke anything. Finally asking Null to play the noise back to me I do it silently. Unicorn looks to the right of me and I can tell shes focused on the soft blue glow growing brighter as Null is actively working. After listening to the message twice more I can safely say that I recognize the words unicorns, pegasi, earth, ponies, dragons, zebras, minotaurs, and griffons.

Every word I can understand is a species except for earth but since it was used right before pony without any kind of foreign language in between I think it's part of the classification along with pony. The hell? Did we hit the universal naming tags for things back home? Is she asking me if I know about them? No time like the present to see exactly how much I can get from these three. If all these species are that common then I don't think Pegasus and Unicorn are going to be suitable names for much longer, at least Rainbow is pretty simple to come up with. As I pick up the stick to start drawing outside Rainbow gets back in the air and moves towards me but is pulled back by Cowboy just looking annoyed at this point. Is it just me or is reading alien horse body language disturbingly easy to understand?

Unicorn follows me as I step out of the cave onto the top of a hill. I take a look around and see a dense forest and thick cloud cover above it. Curious I look skyward and there are very few clouds in comparison, just another thing to add to this planet I suppose. Before starting to draw I go for the obvious choices. I use the stick as a pointer and ask, “Unicorn?” she starts enthusiastically nodding her head in response. I get the same reaction pointing to Rainbow and asking, “Pegasus?” gesturing at Cowboy still holding Rainbow I go for my first real guess of the day and ask, “Earth pony?” to start off the third head nodding session. With that out of the way I start on advanced stick figures and start drawing a minotaur figuring it would be the simplest. What comes out is a comically disproportioned caricature with small legs supporting a massively oversized upper body, at least the horns are relatively normal and I actually managed to remember the nose ring. Well it'll get me a point in Pictionary, but no one is going to be calling me the next Michelangelo. I turn to get Unicorns attention but that turns out to be unnecessary as she is right beside me staring at the drawing. I tap the picture and ask if it's a minotaur and get that mystery solved as well.

At this point Cowboy is just lounging around, content to have Unicorn deal with me. I look around to see if I can find Rainbow and fail. There is, however, a cloud moving rapidly towards us and this is still unusual enough to get me to stare at it. It comes to a stop right next to Cowboy about seven feet off of the ground and a multicolored tail coming out of the bottom. Oh come on, relaxing on air wasn't meant to be taken literally. Next thing I know there's going to be teams of them making it rain or shooting lightning or something. Hell, at this point I wouldn't be surprised if there is a city in the clouds acting like a gated community. No wings, no entrance.

Back on track I start drawing a dragon and resist the temptation of making it an S shape with tiny wings, a few spikes on the tail, and an out of place, over muscled, human arm. What eventually comes of my doodling is a relatively normal looking western dragon. Wings are spread to show the membrane and no feathers, a long tail, and head pointed upward with fire being breathed out. Before I can even ask Unicorn says, “Dragon,” and it's my turn to start nodding my head. Before starting my last species drawing of a griffon I realize the full implication of what I said about Cowboy being an earth pony, since she looks the same as the other two minus wings or a horn I try to get clarification. I point back and ask earth pony again adding emphasis on the pony that I hope carries though the language barrier. Unicorn looks confused but nods again to the information. The cloud now has a head which makes it easy for me to ask pegasus pony and without waiting for confirmation I point to her and ask unicorn pony. It takes a few seconds but eventually she confirms my thoughts with a return to the previous level of enthusiasm, I think she realizes that I had no clue they were ponies instead of horses. Figuring they should know how close they came to being misrepresented I go ahead and tell them, “It's a good thing you managed to tell me you guys are ponies, otherwise it probably would have stuck in my head that you were all horses.”

There is no joy in the world anymore, only pain radiating outward from my gut as I am curled into a ball holding my organs as still as possible hoping against hope both that this will kill me to end my suffering and that I survive in order to make whatever caused this feel my pain. It's hard to tell but I also think I'm whimpering, at the very least I know I'm crying a lot. Something touches my shoulder and I try my best to get away from it only managing to get a few inches away and intensifying the pain. Coughing not only brings me even more pain but I can feel mucus gather in my mouth and in the interest of not choking I spit it out. Yelling starts up immediately afterward and a warm and fuzzy feeling washes over me and it begins easing away the pain. After who knows how long the pain finally loses the battle to the comforting feeling and I pass out.

I wake up to the gray stone cave ceiling looking down at me. Whatever happened to me is gone now with the power of positive thinking. In all fairness it was more than likely the unicorn repairing the damage a wrecking ball that got out of control and slammed into me caused. Unicorns and their healing magic are the greatest thing ever, I thought vampires were the top of the mythical totem pole but after this show of spell craft the near immortality, hypnosis, and flight just feel lacking now. Pulling up a half forgotten novel from my childhood I decide to call her Ayla until I know her real name. Twisting my body like a pretzel to stretch everything at once, my head sinks into a pillow and I glance to the left to see a purple star surrounded by smaller white stars. Turning to my right this time I see the face of my pony shaped savior looking a little annoyed at being woken up in such a manner.

Moving off of my makeshift pillow I walk towards the opening to get started on doing what I should have done the last time I got up. Scanning the area there are nothing but fields of grass and the occasional hill. Very nice scenery to be sure, especially since it's late afternoon and everything has a tranquil feel to it but no easy food source since I have no idea how to trap the small animals that are around here. I left that to the guys that were good at it on my other trips. Seeing no other real option I walk to the forest where there has to be something growing that's edible. I hope I can find some kiwi but that seems highly unlikely, about as rare as finding a unicorn willing to heal a total stranger. I can't wait to find those kiwis. Lost in thought I only stop moving forward when I nearly fall over Ayla blocking my way.

“Look, you three showing up was great and all unicorn but I kind of need to find some food. Running on food for thought can only hold me over for so long. If it will make you feel better I'll grab some for you as well,” as if on cue my stomach lets loose a roar able to rival a lion.

I walk around her and begin again to the forest, this close I can see that the trees look oppressive. Trees are thick and gnarled and with little imagination you can see the faces of victims of the deep woods. I slow down near the edge as I hear the howl of the winds cut past me bringing the call of wolves to my attention. Preparing to run like a coward if I see anything bigger than a rabbit move I cautiously move into the nearest gap in the forest. Five steps in and it feels like walking in a cemetery, the unease of the grim reaper watching my movements waiting for the time to spirit my soul away. Twenty steps in and the chill becomes physical as my body can't seem to produce any more body heat. Eighty steps in and the cold is gone but I can still feel eyes watching me study the trees and bushes for any sort of edible plant life. Looking in the trees I find some strawberries. Now I may not be the most knowledgeable woodsman but those things grow on the ground back home and on top of that these are huge, easily the size of a softball.

Unfortunately two things are in the way of me getting a few of these. One, there are no low lying branches for me to climb. Two, there is a single pair of glowing solid green eyes just staring at me without blinking. Rather than sprint away from it and more than likely hitting a tree or three I back away into the heat sapping zone and pray that this thing really would rather not deal with the cold to get me or that it only eats plants. Stumbling out of the forest I see that it is already twilight. Just how long was I in there? I guess I need to head in a different direction tomorrow morning for some food.

Eager to make it back to the relative safety of the cave I break into a jog only to become winded right before reaching the hill, I need to figure out whats making me feel so weak when I have some free time. I come across the saddlebag that belongs to one of the ponies with a piece of paper underneath it. Picking up the paper I see myself in a hastily drawn comic. Panel one has me reaching into the bag, panel two is me holding an apple, and panel three is a few apple cores scattered around me as I smile. First the giant strawberries hanging from a tree and now apples in a saddlebag, alien food feels a lot more normal here than what has been on other planets. Ayla is now officially smarter than half the people I know and nicer than three quarters of the planet at the very least. Eating as I walk I find where I drew the pictures of the minotaur and dragon. They are half erased by something being dragged across them but it's no big deal as they have served their purpose. A bit further on there's some red on the ground that isn't an apple core that I threw this way. Bending down to examine it I get a sinking feeling in my gut as I remember the terrible pain and coughing from earlier in the day.

“Null Set, what exactly happened before I passed out earlier today?” I ask and close my right eye to use it as a screen. The sound plays softly so I can still hear things around me, “It's a good thing you managed to tell me you guys are ponies, otherwise it probably would have stuck in my head that you were all horses.” Before my eyes close from the impact I see Rainbow close up facing away from me and I feel the interface doing what it was designed to, add physical sensations to the scene. I can feel her hind hooves kick me in the stomach and I go airborne. “Pause,” I tell Null Set as I have a feeling that I'm going to want to be in the cave sitting down for the rest of the recording. Before continuing I ask for a report on how my midsection is doing, as far as Null Set can scan there is no more internal bleeding or even bruising. I get as comfortable as I can along the wall and resume the audio only playback to me hitting the ground and rolling around.

“Rainbow what are you doing? You just sent it flying!”

“Didn't you just hear it call us all horses? It wanted a fight and I just took the initiative. Aghh!”

“That's it, I'm not untying ya for the rest of this first meeting shindig until ya apologize and that thing knows it.”

“Come on, I didn't even buck it that hard it'll be fine once it brushes off the dirt.”

A solid minute passes before anything other than the sounds I was making starts up again.

“Twi, can ya make sure our friend over there knows it's ok to get up?”

Moments later I can feel the phantom limb poking me in the shoulder again and I resist the urge to inch away like I did the first time. Having something come up your throat without anything actually being there is one of the more unusual sensations I've felt with this playback feature so far.

“It's coughing up blood! How hard did you buck it Rainbow! I'm going to need to repair the damage fast. We can worry about it still being friendly after it's fine.”

There are sounds of a struggle in the distance and this is where the warm fuzzy feeling starts happening. Since Ayla is the only one capable of using healing magic I can only imagine the fight is between Rainbow and Cowboy.

“Null Set, turn down the whole body sensation, it feels like I'm going numb. Fast forward until someone speaks or does something and tell me how long it takes,” A time stamp shows two minutes and sixteen seconds passed before this next outburst.

“Did you really have to hogtie me Applejack, I'm already not going anywhere,” The sound of one of them being dragged starts. “Are you seriously going to drag me all the way back to town?”

“No, I'm just getting some space between the two of ya in case it wakes up.”

“AJ, I need your help with carrying him back to the cave so he can get out of the sun, I don't want to add dehydration to the list of injuries.”

I feel myself getting shuffled around being prodded by two of them and at the end of it I'm being carried by both of them back to where I woke up sleeping on top of Ayla.

“I need to stay here to continue healing him and it may take a while. It's not life or death anymore but he's highly resistant to magic and that is slowing me down considerably. Take Rainbow home and I'll get back as soon as possible to tell you how everything goes here.”

“Alright take care then, Come tell me when ya get back no matter the time.”

Null Set cuts out another half an hour to the end of the tingling sensation. When it ends I hear a yawn come from Ayla and that's when I finally fell asleep. I'm not really sure what I expected to gain from listening to the events but at least now I know who beat the tar out of me and from the sound of it the other two put some sense into her. I guess her giving me some food is more trying to apologize for the pain I went through and not, "he needs food," still better than about half the world population. “Null Set save this and all future conversations with the locals, tell me if I run out of room for the recordings.” I save the last apple for breakfast in the morning. I think I'll go follow the direction of the drag marks if they're still there, I want to thank Ayla in some way. The last thing that enters my head before falling asleep is, “Damn, I really want my pillow back.”

Day Trip

Birds are chirping, the sun is shining, the flowers smell sweet, and I am having none of it. My back hurts, my legs are numb, the only reason my neck isn't a wreck is because my left arm decided to take one for the team and now looks like a gravel pit. Not really wanting to move just yet I try to clear my mind so I can get another hour or so of rest since I have a feeling that town is not going to be a hop skip and a jump away no matter how hard I wished on the stars last night. Thoughts of only being able to run for thirty seconds distract me from that goal. I recheck my heart rate and it's stable at one hundred and four, running around on new planets cataloging the species may not be super physical but I thought it would at least be better than that, maybe this and the feeling of having smoker's lungs are related.

Having failed snagging a few more minutes of relaxation I get up to start my day the right way, eating the apple that was spared last night and dreading having to find more food. Staying here doing nothing, no matter how relaxing, is only going to depress me. I tell Null Set to mark this cave as Origin Point so I can make my way back here if anything goes horribly wrong. I head back to where the drawings were so I can start moving in the direction of the drag marks since that is my best lead for where civilization is.

Well the thing waiting for me on the ground there makes the decision even more of a no brainer. one of them came back to leave me a care package just waiting to be opened. Hidden inside is a backpack that wouldn't be out of place on an expedition, laden with stuff. Ok, I guess this isn't too odd considering large portable storage spaces with many compartments are useful in pretty much any culture, but it looks like it was made for someone of my body type, not a pony's. Opening the main pouch I find more apples, oranges, carrots, a smattering of other edible plant life, and hay for some reason. I roll my eyes when I see flowers in here as well, roses specifically, for that romantic evening with my newfound girlfriend, Lefty. The next one contains a large filled water bottle, an actual sports bottle, why would they invent this? Hooves are not useful for unscrewing the cap to fill this, there's even a handle! A canteen with a simple stopper sure, hell even a camel pack wouldn't be far fetched, it's like they were expecting... to accommodate a minotaur. Great, now I feel like an idiot. Pouch three containing a blanket and pillow almost brings tears to my eyes. Lucky number four has a compass alongside a map of the region and my new favorite game, guess what the pictures mean.

The quality of these pictures is much better than the simple figures drawn yesterday. If it was Ayla again having time makes all the difference I guess. First up is me wearing the backpack looking like a true mountain man full of confidence standing on top of said mountain, yeah no, I am not going to be scaling mountains for the fun of it. Though I must say if I really look that good doing it I just might climb one solely for the photo op. Message number two is the compass and map together showing that there is the same mark on both pointing to the same direction and that if the compass is turned the needle will not move with it, very handy and not too complicated to understand if we didn't already have the same invention. Number three is a representation of the map with arrows going in four directions starting from the bottom right corner. Three arrows leave the map completely and have question marks at the end of them, so species names and now punctuation have the same meanings, anything else and I am going to have my head examined just to make sure a Babel fish hasn't already taken up residence in there. The last arrow points into the middle of the map along with a six sided star, an apple, and a cloud shooting a lightning bolt. The star I recognize as Ayla's tattoo, I would say the apple means more food but that seems redundant. I vaguely remember Cowboy having an apple tattoo, so that leaves the bolt signifying the pegasus that nearly one shot me. The final picture is four of me heading out in all directions, one towards a desert, one to a forest, one climbing a mountain, and one heading into a town.

So basically here's some stuff, have some navigation tools, our home is on the map, and head off in whatever direction you feel like. I check the map to see if the area is really that diverse and it looks like I have a downsized map. Ayla was kind enough to mark Origin Point for me and it is sitting on the south eastern corner of the map. It looks like someone took a town map, plastered it over the dot that would point it out on a map of the region, and cut the rest away only leaving the surrounding area. Examining the town I find Ayla's Tattoo somewhere near the middle of town and Cowboy's on top of a farm, fitting I suppose. Checking it over three times just in case I have selective blindness I can't find Rainbow's place of residence, maybe it was a cloud and a stiff breeze made her homeless, good. The image of her on the streets about once a week warms my heart to no end. Then again it is only an easily replaceable building material. I'm already thinking of clouds as building material, who am I and where am I keeping my sanity hostage? There are three other symbols on the map, a butterfly on the northern edge of town near this seemingly endless forest, a gem close to the western edge of town, and a blue balloon surrounded by Ayla, Cowboy, and the butterfly. Well this is irritating, I was going to try and make my way there anyway but this is just telling me, “Either strike out into the unknown or come into town to see us.”

I eat some of the provisions and pick off the rose hips before I toss the hay and the rest of the rose parts. After cleaning out my new backpack I synch Null Set with what way is north and have it store the map so I don't need to waste time pulling it out and putting it away. As I put on the pack the macho part of me speaks up with a good amount of disdain, “I don't need no one telling me what to do or where to go. I'm going to head out on my own,” complete with visions of conquering the planet. That part of me gets shut down before even taking a step, going into the unknown alone and unarmed is a great way to end up with a distinct lack of a heartbeat. At least heading into town I am guaranteed two living beings will not try to kill me and the rest will hopefully leave me alone, be terrified of me, or be awestruck. The last option of most being hostile leads to me being chased by ponies with torches and pitchforks. It might be good cardio but it ends with me being stabbed and put aflame. The last thing I do before heading out is grab the drawing stick. its the perfect length to also be used as a walking stick and if something comes along I can aim for a vital spot more easily and with less risk.

I give up, it's been around five hours of following the forest with nothing to show for it. My, "Town is close by slow down but keep moving," mantra has failed me. It didn't look that far on the map. Before my legs fall off or my lungs and heart explode I need to get comfortable for a bit to rest. Making my way to a tree on the edge of the forest I wrap one arm around it so I can catch my breath for the next part. After a few moments I shrug off my backpack and set it down. Freed of my burden I get rid of my shirt to hang it from a branch in the sun so it can dry off while I take a break. Using my new blanket to make sure nothing embeds itself in my back as I sit at the base of the tree. Slipping more into an expedition mindset I have Null Set start up my night watch routine to boost ambient noise while making it impossible for me to fall asleep. I may not get as much rest out of doing this but since I'm alone and mostly defenseless not being surprised could mean the difference between getting mauled and getting mauled while giving my attacker a bloody nose. Time to zone out and listen to nature for two hours.

An unholy cacophony plays from out of nowhere, panic sets in, my heart is hammering, and I nearly break the sound barrier with how fast I scramble to get away from what's right behind me. I make it to the edge of a nearby river as the music fades and the actual message starts to play out, “Rise and shine Lind, your first trip into the caves and already terrified of nothing, what would your mother say. Speaking of your mom, I do hope you can find something down there for her this time as well, you know how much she loves getting those exotic presents from her precious boy. If you can't top those crystals growing off the backs of those amethyst sloths from that wasteland I will be very disappointed in you. I guess I'll let you deal with waking up the rest of the crew at whatever time you ended up watching, bye now.” I can feel the smugness in that last sentence radiating from every word.

“God damn it dad, what part of this made it seem like a good idea!” I shout back at him, even if he can't hear me it still makes me feel better. I mean really, why couldn't he do something like last time? Getting Null to delete all the vowels from my notes was good, going back to replace all of them was annoying and time consuming. I'm still paranoid that I've switched a few in's and on's. This one cut five years off of my lifespan and gave me a few gray hairs. I am going to find a way back home if for no other reason than to strangle my dad for this.

Still fuming, I kneel down to get some water, feeling how cold it is I figure I may as well take a dip to get cooled off. Going back to my rest area I grab everything and move back to the river. Before wading into the river I soak my shirt, wring it out, and hang it from a nearby branch to dry. The river only comes up to my waist but I am lucky enough to find a boulder to sit on that lets the water reach just below my neck. As the water washes away the sweat and dirt I calm down about the prank my dad pulled, after all it did only do what Null usually does for me. Just at a level far above what I would have liked. Finally able to relax I take in the scenery around me. The water here is crystal clear with nothing in it, no fish, no logs, no anything but me and river rocks. The trees stretch into a canopy far above my head with streaks of light breaking through at just the right angle with the forest floor to give off a soft natural glow to the whole area, feeling like the perfect place to come to just so you can feel connected to nature. No animals are in sight but the birds are singing a melody that further enhances the serene feeling I get from this place making me wish I could stay here for a few more hours. After ten minutes I regrettably get to the bank and dry myself off with the blanket quickly so I can get redressed and moving again. Just not before taking another ten minutes to eat, refill my water bottle, and enjoy the view a little longer. One final thing to take care of as I shoulder my backpack one more time, “Null Set, mark this place as Serene Glade.” This is one place I will definitely be coming back to for a nice day away from everything.

Back on the trail my thoughts wander back to other jokes he's pulled. Back on Crater, the wasteland planet of sadness, misery, and crushed dreams. He had Null Set set up a HUD that identified everything we had as ( _____ of the last resistance of man). Overgrowth was the most annoying one, having a mosquito buzzing around your ear is bad, having it happen so often it becomes white noise can drive a man insane. At least he had the decency to program it so it stopped when I tried to sleep.

Bringing myself back to the present, I focus on what happens next. Most of the time when I went around looking at new animals I did it from far enough away. Now, I'm heading straight into a town of them hoping that nothing bad happens. I need to learn, “I come in peace,” as fast as possible.

Once that hurdle gets jumped, I wonder if there's a way to bottle magic, if it could heal me that simply, imagine what it could do for stuff even more serious. Or stop aging, immortality can't go wrong can it? Ok, I'm getting out of control. First I need to meet them, then I can fantasize about having magic powers.

Three hours of walking and distracting myself I figure it's about time for another break. Now that I have gotten at least a little used to carrying something on my back again I don't collapse when I stop under a few trees isolated from the rest of the forest. It's starting to get late, so I will go look for a suitable place to settle down for the night since making it to town in the dark is unlikely.

Fifteen minutes after settling down at the tree I hear something making a bunch of noise, glancing around it turns out it's Cowboy hauling a cart. She doesn't see me so I try to get her attention by giving a little shout, “Hey Cowboy, over here,” she is startled a bit and looks everywhere for the noise, I make myself more noticeable by waving my arms around over my head. She quickly unhitches herself and comes over and looks glad to see me alive and well. She stops a few yards short and tips her hat before saying something.

“Howdy there,we didn't think ya would come here after it started getting late,” After a second she remembered that I can't understand a word she said and stopped whatever she was going to say next. I use the lapse to pull out the map from one of the pockets in my backpack.

Unfurling it I put the map in between us on the ground and point to where Ayla's mark is and drag it back towards the farm. Even if she can't understand what I say I ask anyways, “You think you can get unicorn here so I can try talking to her again?” she seems to get it as she looks right at me, waves me down to stay put, and jogs out of sight over a low hill. A few seconds later I hear a much louder yell than what I gave.

“Rainbow get outta my trees and get over here. Stay low on the ground too.”

I hold my ground for now, if she decided to call for the militia then I'm screwed anyways. It takes a good five minutes before she returns. She motions to follow her after hooking the cart back up. Our final destination is a barn, one that has seen better days... and months.

The inside is much safer looking with no rusted broken tools and a solid support structure. Someone needs to paint the outside, condemned is not a good look. I help her put away the apples so we can get to the next place faster. Cowboy is content to wait however, so in order to pass the time I grab an orange from my pack and start tossing it in the air. Up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down. I finally get bored of this after who knows how long and decide to eat my fruity toy.

“AJ, are you two still in there?” someone says from outside.

“Yeah, there's still some stuff I need to do. So take over watching him for me will ya?” Cowboy replies as we both get up and move around before Ayla makes her way inside.

She comes in hauling a covered cart and a whiteboard, they have those here? Cool, let's give this thing a spin, “Null Set, hook me up with a whiteboard marker,” I command as I feel the static charge build in my right index and middle fingers. When I get to the board I start trying to write the word test to see if it works, much to my disappointment, it fails completely and I feel a bit dumber for thinking they had the same kind of whiteboard. I can't keep the dejection from my voice as I stop the static, “Null Set, cancel whiteboard marker.” I don't even bother trying to keep my voice down at this point, I can say I feel like hunting down and eating the flesh of you lesser animals and none of them would panic if I managed to keep a happy tone to it. Luckily two markers senses the tone I used and floats from the covered cart over to me and Ayla. Wow this is old school.

I grab one and the other continues to hover around Ayla, I gesture to the board giving her the first chance to draw something. She starts with the sun, three of them in fact, being connected with an arrow pointing from the left one to the middle and from the middle to the right. Under the left one she draws herself, Cowboy, and Rainbow sitting on a hill looking off into the distance, the middle one is her alone on top of the hill, and the right one is her dragging this big ass whiteboard. After that, she draws me under the first one with a question mark next to me. The only reasonable thing that could be is she's explaining her day and asking what happened to me. I erase everything but the suns and draw me walking, and walking, and walking to the barn. She's looking at me slightly confused, as if she can't comprehend me taking so long to get here if all I did was walk.

As I reach out to start erasing everything an eraser starts its job and wipes the rest away. Ayla points to me with her marker and motions over to the board, giving me the chance to draw a question. I was expecting a barrage of questions, not this, but hey whatever works. Since its been bugging me for a while now I draw my cave and the box that was there this morning. I want to know how it got there so early. The reply is more involved than I needed. Ayla here put it together at night along with the other two, then Rainbow flew it out to me. I hope air mail isn't expensive here.

The eraser again makes a clean slate and we are back to Ayla asking away she takes a quick look at me and then draws my ear with Null Set in it, draws an arrow to it and places a question mark. Really, you can't wait until we understand each other before going for that one? I facepalm as I try to think on how I can possibly put this into a drawing. I guess I could draw everything that Null Set can do, but that would take a long time and I don't think they have half of those things here anyways. I can't simplify him down enough to draw effectively after five minutes and I just give up. Ayla recognizes that I am stumped by just erasing the question. To her credit, she takes the fact that I failed at describing Null Set pretty well and instead of asking something else, she lets me have my second question.

As fun as letting my stunted artist free is, I think we should try to actually try to speak to each other. I draw my mouth open with lines coming out of it and a pony ear listening in, then I do the opposite with a pony mouth speaking into my ear. Damn, she's about as lost as I was a few minutes ago. I think I can save this, I draw three crude pony shaped blobs around the voice lines adding wings to one and a horn to another. As I point to them I say their species name out loud, “Unicorn. Pegasus. Earth pony.” Taking it a bit further I continue naming other species names from mythology, “Dragon. Griffon. Hydra. Cockatrice. Basilisk. Manticore. Garuda. Cerberus. Dryad.” Come on, understand that all I want is a way to speak to all of you.

Ayla suddenly has her marker spring to life, drawing a pony on one side, me on the other and a line separating the two. Under the pony she writes something that wouldn't be out of place in the Hebrew language and says, “Harpy.” Oh right, actually writing down words would have helped, but I was thinking of verbal communication only when drawing mine. Oh snap, we are going to build an entire dictionary word by word.

“Null Set, begin a translation sheet, tie together the word immediately before the trigger, me snapping twice in quick succession, and the foreign word that comes after. Whenever a foreign word is spoken that has been translated do it automatically for me.” The double speak that I know will happen because of that last command will be worth it since it means I understand stuff. I write down harpy and instead of writing down and speaking another species name to continue the name game with words we share I grab my backpack to pull stuff out of. When I return not only is there a marker floating around, there's also a quill, some ink, and a piece of paper. How did it take me this long to put together that it is Ayla making the marker move and not some piece of tech? It takes a solid half an hour but we nail down all of the items in the backpack along with a few basics.

As darkness overtakes the barn I tell Ayla that I'm going to sleep so I can get some time to myself but she stops me and starts drawing one last thing for the night. It's another map of the area and basically she wants me to go to her house to sleep. As much as Morgan and her “romance” novels seem to think otherwise, no, I don't think she's bringing me home to hide me in her special little love dungeon to share me with her other playthings. It's only been two days and sleeping inside, hopefully on a bed as well, sounds so fantastic I almost don't hesitate to go. Then I envision being stampeded by a bunch of mob ponies and being set aflame. I express these concerns via picture as best I can much to the horror of Ayla. Eventually we strike a deal that I will head over there with her once everyone else falls asleep. Ayla pulls out some more ink and paper, along with a small floodlight of all things from the covered cart.

Urging my plans for relaxation to push forward as I start listening to some music and open up a book that I downloaded for those times where the caves ran too deep to get a signal. Cowboy comes bearing gifts not too long after we start our own activities, those gifts turn out to be apples, why am I not shocked. What does shock me are the variety of apples and apple based foods, if it's possible to be addicted to a food I think I found compelling evidence for it. Ayla expresses her thanks and digs in, I on the other hand, just grab a few fresh apples and eat those. Cowboy starts saying something and waves over the cooked offerings so I'm guessing she wants to know why I don't get some of them.

Even if she doesn't understand a word I give it a try, “Because I have no idea what's in them Cowboy. This, I am reasonably sure is just a plain old apple,” I say as I grab another one, as odd as having familiar food here is, “but even if those appear to be delicious apple based foods,” as I wave my arm over said foods, “I have no guarantee that the way they are made will not poison me in some fashion,” as I grab my gut and bend over as if in pain. Cowboy just gives me a flat look while Ayla stops the situation from going south fast. Ayla tells her of our plans since I hear the words sleep and midnight pop up. Cowboy says her goodbyes and we go back to our respective pursuits for a few more hours.

Walking through town is eerie, it's almost as if I'm in a small village on a fledgling colony and I just so happen to be an extra foot or so taller than the settlers. We pass by a giant gingerbread house that really makes me want a good brownie with caramel sauce, or a cinnamon bun with honey. As soon as I get distracted thinking about everything sweet a chill wind blows causing me to snap out of my sugar induced trance and shiver a little. Ayla walks right up to a giant tree with a telescope coming out of it. A literal tree house, nifty, I follow her inside. Holy hell that is a lot of books. It looks like one of those libraries my dad told me were a big thing before all of it went digital.

As she leads me to a door I wonder if any of the books here were made with the tree we are now inside. The light turns on downstairs and much to my surprise it actually is a love dungeon. All of the equipment here is for the pleasure of mistress science. I always figured magic and technology were at opposite ends of the spectrum but I only got here yesterday so what the hell do I know. Microscopes, vials, a lie detector, if it screams science back home its probably here as well. The scant minute I use to take all of this in is enough for Ayla to pull together some blankets and a pillow arranging them on a table large enough for me to not have anything dangling off of it.

Before she disappears to the top of the stairs I express my gratitude, “Thank you for everything so far, healing me, giving me supplies, and giving me a place to sleep for a night. This has the potential to be the most positive first encounter thanks to you.”

She actually replies with something mostly unintelligible that will hopefully be unraveled soon, “I still can't understand most of what you're saying. Go to sleep, we are going to need all the energy we can get.”

Once she closes the door I grab everything from the table and set up an area on the floor to sleep. Ayla might be nice, but sleeping on a table in a lab is just inviting nightmares of being vivisected. I turn off the light and fall right to sleep, tomorrow is going to be a very long day.

Study Session

The morning starts off with waking up to whistling coming from upstairs. When I open the door I ask, “Alright Ayla, whats got you in a good mood today? More studying the creature from the cave?”

The noise stops and out from the next room comes a small lizard wearing a chef hat and apron while holding a mixing bowl. We stare at each other and I break first, slumping against the wall. I cover my face with both hands and mutter to myself, “For the love of God she even has a familiar under her control making her breakfast. If I pissed her off I don't think I would know I died until five minutes later,” time to start being super well behaved, getting vaporized does not sound like fun. The familiar is tapping on my shin with the handle of the mixing spoon to get my attention.

"Um, hi? What are you and why were you in the basement?" it asks.

“Spike, who are you talking with down there?” I hear come from upstairs.

“I don't know, if you brought home the thing that you've been talking nonstop about since yesterday I think it's that,” the familiar replies.

“He's awake? Give me a minute and I'll be right down, take him into the kitchen and get him some food,” at these words the dragon beckons me into the kitchen and I waste no time scouring the cabinets looking for stuff to eat. By lady fortunes good graces I find enough stuff to put together an omelet. When its done and on a plate I sit at the table to eat, finally noticing the two other inhabitants of the house staring at me while eating slowly, obviously distracted by me making myself at home. Besides me being in the spotlight, nothing happens during breakfast. After that we start getting into the name game once again.

This kind of mental stamina is nearly unheard of, it has been eight hours and Ayla is still as enthusiastic as when we started. It only got worse when she realized the snapping I use is "helping" my memory and totally not cheating. I need to take a break to unwind at least a little before we continue naming everything in existence. Going over what we have covered I put together a simple sentence, “Need rest, we start again soon. I get food. Read a little,” the halting English hurts to say, but it's all words she hopefully remembers and it gets the message across.

“How can you read? You have no book,” I think I prefer my way of only using words both of us understand, but the meaning is clear enough.

I grab my right ear to display Null Set to say, “Book,” I grab my eyelid gently, wiggle it around a little, and say, “Page,” I exaggerate closing my eye then point to it while saying, “Read,” well, now I have a unicorn looking at my ear like she wants to tear it off and study every facet of Null Set. I cover Null Set with a hand protectively and in doing so Ayla becomes aware that she looks like a hunter after her prey.

Grabbing a small bowl of cherries I sit down to read the next bit of book six, Where Loyalties Lie. Morgan recommended this book series to me saying it could crack a smile on anyone’s face. She must have never made it past the third book, what started as following a lovable sex crazed maniac's shenanigans has turned into an emotional nose dive that only stops punching you in the gut for a minute so it can get ready to start working on your face. The only reason I'm still reading this is the vain hope that the author will stop at some point and give this guy the happy ending he rightfully deserves. I finish a few chapters ready to get my mind back into doing something not depressing, like translate a language.

After a few days we start focusing on concepts and actions. The slower pace to ensure correct translations is frustrating Ayla but allow me a little bit of breathing room. Things are only going to get more complicated from here on out, but at least we can get across a fair amount of ideas now. Ayla calls down Runt a little after lunch to tell him to go get some more supplies, mostly paper, ink, and food. Fifteen minutes after Runt leaves I feel eyes on me coming from behind me. Putting my hand up to stop Ayla from continuing I turn around to see what's giving me the evil eye. The only thing there is a large armoire that has some dresses that we used for translating colors, fabric types, and oddly enough a few gem stones.

Fearing the worst I ask Ayla, “You have mimics here?”

“No, why?”

“I feel like I am being watched,” is my response to her. To myself I say, “Well time to feel like a moron again,” the only thing looking back at me from inside are the too bright reflections of sapphires from one of the dresses.

The decorative topmost portion explodes outward in a shower of confetti as I hear, “Oh you're good, you almost caught me,” I hop back from pure shock only to slip and fall onto the sofa. My vision fills with an upside down pink face. The next words out of this one's mouth put everything else that has happened since I got here to shame, “Hi I'm Pinkie Pie whats your name?”

Pinkie, a pony who shouldn't know I am here, who shouldn't even know I exist, who somehow slipped past the two of us and into the dresser just asked me my name. In my own language. That's it, my brain just blue screened. “... Lyndon,” is the only word I can say at the moment since that is the last input I gave myself before the crash happened.

“Pinkie, where did you learn his language and more importantly how did you know he was here?”

“I don't know his language Ayla, I just know how to say hi in all of them. It's an essential skill for being the best welcomer and party planner in Ponyville. I saw Runt running around getting stuff alone and I said to myself, 'That only happens when Ayla is super busy studying. I should give her some coffee cake to help her stay awake all night.' When I got here I saw Lyndon here too so I wanted to surprise him, do you think it worked?” She comes back into view, “Were you surprised? You don't look very surprised.” I continue staring into nothing and blink, not responding. The face recedes from sight, “I think Lyndon isn't doing too well Ayla.”

A purple face this time comes into my view to wave a hoof in my face, the air it creates makes me blink repeatedly, “Pinkie, he's fine, I think you just surprised him a little too well and he's trying to figure out how you did all of that. Ugh, now it's going to take even longer to get this all done,” she faceplants into my gut a bit hard but at this point I don't care anymore.

The door opens to Runt coming back from running errands. He stops for a second to see all of us doing nothing really and sighs before heading into the kitchen to put everything away.

“Oh I almost forgot, here's your coffee cake and his super deluxe brownie,” the sudden smell of sweets is enough to jump start me into conscious thought once again. On the table are a big piece of cake and a brownie so covered in toppings that a dentist would cry.

I should know better at this point but I have to ask, “Ayla, where did this come from?” she points to Pinkie who is now sucking on an oversized lollipop.

She pulls it out of her mouth to say, in her native tongue fortunately, “Dig in, the brownies yours,” it's being held with her hoof, like its only the palm of an invisible hand.

Before I think about that too hard I stop myself and just bury my head into my hands, “Nope, not going to even try this time. I don't think I can handle a second malfunction in one day. If Rainbow doesn't break my body, Pinkie is going to break my brain.”

When I look at the treats on the table the cake is floating by Ayla. I gaze at the left behind brownie trying to judge if its worth the risk of killing myself for it. In the end I decide against it, no amount of sugary craftsmanship is worth having my tombstone read death by chocolate. I may have made the right decision, but that doesn't mean I'm not regretting it every moment its still on the table. If it stays here too much longer I'm going to cave so I grab it and ask Ayla, “You want this Ayla, or do I give it to Runt?”

“Give it here,” she replies with a grin that only chocolate can give. As I hand it over Pinkie's mane deflates, like her very body got sad that I gave away something I was supposed to enjoy. For the love of Christ, can't she go five minutes without trying to cause a breakdown? Ayla notices this as well and takes the initiative to explain what's going on, “He did the same thing to Cowboy when she brought food after I went to go get him at the farm. He wants to make sure nothing in it will hurt him. Think of it like the baked bads Cowboy made when she tried to help you while she was tired. How many ponies ate them thinking they would be super delicious only to end up in a hospital bed?” Pinkie's eyes widened at that and shuddered a little bit, but went back to normal right after, along with her mane. Still not going to think about that.

“Well I guess that makes sense, but you really should get him to start calling you Ayla instead of Ayla,” Pinkie says that last word in my language. I'm not sure if my lack of concern is just that or if its a sign that my brain is just simply not accepting the input anymore, “It sounds nice but it's not your name, in fact it almost sounds as nice as that other word he said not too long ago, rainbow. Rainbow, rainbow, rainbow.” She hops with each time she says rainbow. “You think Dashie would like it? I can see it now, Rainbow Dash the rainbow...”

Great, now shes vibrating. Everything Pinkie has done so far breaks the laws of common sense that I don't actually know if anything about her can surprise me anymore. If this was serious Ayla would have at the very least a look of concern so I sit back to watch whatever this is unfold, “Ayla, guess what, Lyndon got Dashie's name right!” she exclaims just before taking notice of the clock. “Oh oops look at the time I gotta go keep the shop open while the Cakes are out, talk to you two later, bye,” the ability to talk without taking a breath, check. Leaving without appearing to open the door, check. I'm going to have some strange as hell dreams tonight.

“How can there possibly be a Pinkie sense for that?” Ayla groans into a pillow. So on top of everything else she can do, Pinkie can divine the meaning of my language by saying them over and over again, or something. I can't work in these conditions, I need things to make some sort of sense again.

I call Ayla's name to get her attention, “Ayla, time for a long break. First there is one thing I want to check,” grabbing a bunch of colored markers, I draw something for the fist time in a while. The pegasus I call Rainbow and an actual rainbow.

Ayla just looks defeated at this point with her head only barely high enough to see my drawing for a moment before dropping to stare at the floor again, “Yes, she was named after her rainbow mane,” I can't really think of a way to cheer her up so I do the next best thing, fix my head. I Get comfortable in a corner of the room with a pillow, close my eyes, turn off my abused brain again, and meditate listening to music for a good four hours.

I zone back into reality to find Runt writing down what Ayla is saying, not wanting to interrupt I just stay still until the transcribing is done. The letter is finally done as the familiar rolls it up, binds it, and then promptly incinerates it with emerald fire. I make myself known by getting up to head to the kitchen, breaking my chances at longest time imitating a stone statue. After stocking up on a boatload of various nuts I get back to the open area to ask Ayla a simple question, “Is there any more you want to do today?”

“Yes, I want to get a little more done before going to sleep,” Ayla responds while pulling out the “big book of everything ever” to write more stuff in. This time the session only goes until her familiar falls asleep since he's the one choosing the vocabulary. What we exchanged this time was a rather eclectic set of words. The way he has to think about which words to have translated makes me think he's to be reciting a list of some sort, but what kind of list has scratch, lily, berry, bell, and caramel right next to each other? On the other hand, I now know Twilight's and Spike's real names to go along with Rainbow and Pinkie. Twilight heads upstairs with Spike being carried along and I retreat to the basement.

Wanting to have a restful night I give Null an order, “Null Set, if I start dreaming about Pinkie in any way, kill the dream but leave me sleeping,” when I wake up this reveals itself to be a terrible idea. According to Null Set there were forty two instances that had to be stopped, leaving me almost as tired as when I started. Never thought I would face the drawback of having Null Set using me as a living battery without having bigger problems, like being on the verge of death lost in the desert.

The weeks pass without incident and much to the relief of all parties involved, we cover such a ludicrous amount of material that we now probably have a Ph.D. in the respective foreign language. Less to the relief of all parties involved is the knock on the door immediately after our decision to start finally doing something else. I grab my sandwich and head to the basement to wait out whoever is using the library this time. With just how little the residents of this town use it, I keep forgetting I'm living in a public building. Would Twilight living here count as living on the job or bringing your work home with you? They must have been returning a book or knew exactly what they wanted since I get the all clear from Twilight after three minutes. Or, it could be Pinkie offering me another brownie of murder. I hate my life.

“Oh, right. I was supposed to give this to you first,” she says while pulling back the brownie and presenting a piece of paper instead. I take it and immediately I start getting a headache. It's an ingredient list, written in my language. How she managed to get her hands on Twilight's notes I will never know. Reading through it everything seems to be in order of most used to least but just to be perfectly sure this is only a bad idea instead of a catastrophic one I ask our middleman.

“Twilight, can you ask Pinkie what exactly, 'Super Special Spices' are for me?”

Twilight's response is, “I already tried to get her to tell me when I was transcribing the list, I don't think asking a second time will change her mind,” thankfully pointing out that she wrote the translation rather than Pinkie.

“Had a feeling that was the case. If I die I'm going to haunt the both of you,” if this is as good as it looks then my soul may not be capable of holding enough of a grudge to stay here.

Being the first sweet thing I'm chancing in a month helps too. I hold out my hand for the brownie and Pinkie hands it over, with the amount of toppings piled on this is going to get messy. The first bite reminds me why I love chocolate, the second reminds me that I do in fact have an inhale button just for this kind of occasion. Twilight is looking at me in something, I don't feel like piecing it together right now, while Pinkie has a Cheshire grin. It's already too late, whatever mad scheme Pinkie has planned is already set in motion.

“Well, now that I'm done embarrassing myself,” I say pointedly looking at Twilight, “I'll be back to decide what we're going to do after washing the shame off of my face,” after cleaning up I get back to reading in the kitchen since those two are having a discussion I don't want to interrupt.

"Well I'm off. Bye Lyndon, bye Twilight, bye Spike," Pinkie shouts to everyone here.

"So, what did you two talk about?" I ask Twilight as she comes into the kitchen to get some water.

"She was telling me about a party that she was planning on throwing tomorrow. From the sound of it, it's going to be one of a kind. I'm going to head to sleep early, don't forget to turn off the lights when you're tired too," she says before leaving.

The highlight of my night is finally finishing my book. Still no end in sight for poor Kenny with his mom being murdered, but at least he is able to finally talk to his dad again after fifteen years without hating him. It's a start, right? What really sucks about this is now there's no way for me to keep reading, the newest book was supposed to come out a week after I got transported. I had it on preorder but there's no connection here for me to get it. Getting started on a new book is something to tackle tomorrow.

Tomorrow is going to be me getting out of the house if it kills me. Seriously, if she wasn't capable of magic, punching Twilight in the face to get her to fight me sounds like a brilliant excuse for exercise. Even with that disadvantage, the thought is more tempting than I would like to admit. Maybe I can find a bear to wrestle instead or something.

For future reference, I have Null Set categorize everything we have done by topic. Just in case I can actually do something with the information. Sleep takes me as Null Set continues his work through the night.

Hearing Things

One would imagine after the last time I decided to have Null Set do something that lasts through the night I would have learned my lesson. Instead of feeling refreshed, I'm shuffling around like a seventy year old. The only bright side is Null Set basically defragged everything.

A jade envelope is shoved through a crack in the door waiting to be read. Opening the letter I skim it before remembering I can't read. Calling down Twilight she reads it and relays the information.

“It's a formal invitation to a party Pinkie is throwing later on today. A bit redundant seeing as how she already told me about it. It starts later in the day so we have some time to do other things,” she explains to me.

“Nifty, that gives us enough leeway for what I wanted to ask you today,” I say not excited at all about the party. Its not like I'm going to be able to go, “Do you think I can get out of here for a while to move around? I think I've forgotten what the outside world looks like. Not that I don't like being surrounded by books but I can't exactly read the stuff on the shelves," looking at Twilight's face makes what I just said sink in. Oh hell, I just screwed myself for today didn't I?

“The written word is a wonder to behold. Once we get past basic characters and what sound they represent there's still so many interesting things to learn. Proper grammar, correct use of punctuation, especially commas, so many ponies use them incorrectly...” Of course, she completely ignores my question when I bring up reading. As I tune her overly enthusiastic rambling out, Twilight can barely keep from doing a happy dance in place at the prospect of me learning to read and write.

No, I have just spent twenty five days imprisoned in a house without a way to work my muscles, I am not going to stay inside any longer than is strictly necessary. I interrupt her with, “Look, I want to read as much as the next guy, but if I don't get out of here to do something I am going to go crazy. The only reason I haven't yet is I'm used to doing this already."

“Oh, right. With all the research going on I kind of forgot ponies need exercise,” Twilight looks like she's trying to think of a good way of getting me out of here today, instead of actually doing it, “I got it. I can take you over to one of my friend's places, she lives alone near the forest so there's little chance of being spotted. I should be able to get you over there in the cart I took over to Applejack's without drawing any attention.”

“That sounds wonderful, just a few things I need to ask. Is your friend really going to keep me a secret from any of her friends, and are you totally sure I'm not going to be attacked by her?” So far my track record is sitting at forty percent of the locals attacking me so I just need to have a little bit of reassurance.

“She's a very reserved pony, you would need to cause a calamity for her to even consider anything of the sort. She would never go around spreading sensitive information either," she answers my questions with a smile. It's not much but worrying too much about it isn't going to get me out and moving so I agree to be hauled out there like a bit of furniture.

After an entirely too long ride I hear a knocking and Twilight's voice ring out, “Fluttershy, are you home? I need to ask you for some help on something,” is the first thing I hear coming out of my half asleep state. We must be there.

A minute passes before an answering voice comes from inside, “I'm sorry I didn't get to the door sooner Twilight, I was getting everything ready to feed the animals. Do you need more help with your new friend?” she has shy in her name and starts off apologetic. Twilight appears to have been right, I should be fine here. In the background I can hear a menagerie of animals waiting to be fed. New friend, she's already been told about me? Damn it Twilight, well at least nothing bad has happened yet.

“I was wondering if we could use the area around your house for a little while, actually. He's been with me since last time I came over and he's afraid of what would happen if other ponies saw him so he hasn't been outside to exercise.”

Before Twilight can go any further Fluttershy cuts in with, “Oh my, that long? Even the injured animals here get restless if they can't move around for more than a few days, how is the poor thing doing?”

Consequences be damned, I'm not going to subject myself to more of this when freedom is right outside of the cart. I toss the blanket covering me and sit up so I can see what's going on. Twilight has unhitched herself from the cart and the pink maned yellow pegasus trying to hide behind her I can only assume is Fluttershy living up to her name. I can't keep a bit of irritation out of my voice when I say, “I am right here you know, either of you could ask me how I'm doing instead of dancing around it. As long as I get to do something, I'll be fine,” I change my manner of speaking to be more friendly to add, “So, do I have permission to wander around the premises, Fluttershy?” I hop over the edge of the cart to await the answer.

Twilight is instead the one to speak up, “Fluttershy, is it ok if he walks around while we continue this inside? I can help with the animals while we talk,” her answer is something unintelligible, a nod, and a rush into the house. Cool, I'm a menace to society now, “In case you didn't catch that, she said to go enjoy yourself. I'm going to help her with the animals, I'll be out when we're done. Go enjoy the sun,” Twilight says before following her inside.

With nothing left to distract me, I head around to the back of the house only to see even more animals. So Fluttershy's either a zookeeper, a vet, or crazy cat lady from hell. Considering she's the only one around here and Twilight vouched for her, I would put my money on vet. With so many animals here, I'm sure I can get one of them to have some fun. I don't have much time to weigh the options as a large, gray, wild looking dog bounds up to me with a ball in its mouth. Well that settles the issue, time to play fetch. Instead of standing around like a moron watching the dog have all the fun, whenever I throw the ball we both take off to see who gets to it first. The first couple dozen of throws all go in Fenrir's favor until I keep the ball after pretending to toss it. After he starts going in the direction the ball would have gone I throw it in the opposite direction and start after it. He catches on pretty quickly and rushes to catch up with me. It ends with both of us diving for the ball at the same time only for us to hit each other in midair. I scramble to get my prize before he does, Its close but I manage to grasp victory.

Realizing just how far away we are from the house I start walking back. Normally I'd say screw it and stay out here until evening but I kind of forgot to eat before we headed out and the only one that can understand me is back there. Fenrir is right beside me with his consolation prize of the ball and my undying gratitude for giving me an excuse to run around. Both mares are relaxing in the backyard looking over at where we are, talking and having almost as good a time as we had. As I get closer I hear the tail end of their conversation.

“I guess since I've been channeling the spell for so long I just forgot to turn it off on the way here,” Twilight sounds mildly annoyed that whatever she was casting didn't need to keep draining her power.

“I just hope it doesn't end up with you sleep casting. Waking up to that isn't pleasant from what Rarity has told me,” Fluttershy almost suppresses a giggle from some sort of catastrophe that befell this Rarity pony due to sleep casting.

Before they can get any further I chime in with, “So, it looks like you two are done feeding the animals. Would Fluttershy mind if I got something from her kitchen for the two of us?” Motioning between myself and Fenrir. Twilight looks dumbfounded for some reason, “I know you can understand me, we spent a month making sure of it. Why are you so shocked about it now?” I say in a joking manner, just trying to get a reaction out of her.

“I never said we were going to be feeding the animals, how did you know that?”

“Umm, she did when she opened the door. My hearing might not be great, but it doesn't suck,” I say as I point to Fluttershy.

“You can understand her? How?” she's looking back and forth between the two of us trying to make a connection that may not be there.

“The same way I can understand you, she speaks and the sound enters my head. Unless you have been using telepathy all this time, in which case you do an amazing job lipsynching,” the smartass tone probably doesn't need to be there, but it gets the point across well.

“Telepathy is a mediocre workaround for a proper translation spell. Besides, Fluttershy can't use magic. And if she could she doesn't have the correct lexicon to plug into it," Twilight explains.

“You have a translation spell that apparently works fine and you didn't bother to tell me about it? A simple 'I'm casting a spell to understand you better' would have been fantastic,” I say already tired of the absurdity of it all.

“Sorry, but I thought hearing me speak in your own language gave it away,” great, now we're snapping at each other, “How could you not know when you started hearing me speak like this?”

“Speak like what, you sound exactly th...” trailing off and sighing I do the only sane thing left and just facepalm, hard. Once I'm able to speak again I say, "Damn it, we've been working in the department of redundancy department,” I rub my temples to mitigate the inevitable headache, “Null Set, temporarily disable the translation program. Twilight, say something, anything really.”

“Who's Null Set, and what did he disable?” of course, give her free reign and she asks questions. At least I have my own question answered. The spell even comes with the same reverb Null Set gives off to ensure that I don't notice anything strange.

“Null Set is this wonderful piece of technology,” I point to the blue shard embedded in my right ear, “that consolidates every possible facet of the modern day into one solitary device for convenience while having a near limitless power source,” the pitch men for the Nexus storage system would be proud of my delivery, “what he disabled was a subroutine that takes whatever any of you say, matches it to my English equivalent, and provides that word instead. Having our first interspecies misunderstanding is all well and good, but can I get some food now?”

“Fine, but we're continuing this later," turning to the house Twilight asks in a cheerful tone, "Fluttershy, can you show Lyndon to your kitchen?” sometime during the half angry debate between us Fluttershy managed to sneak her way back into the house.

“Ok Twilight, if you're sure. Mister Lyndon please follow me and watch your head,” she says from the door she was hiding behind as she retreats further in.

Right, turning the constant translation back on would be pretty handy right about now. Since I missed what she said I ask Twilight, “She either offered to give me food or ran away thinking I would eat her. The door is still open so I assume its the first one right?” Twilight just nods. After I walk in I ask, “You think you can do some translating? I want to know where she keeps the good stuff.”

That was totally worth it. I didn't know they could actually change colors when sick, but now I feel kind of bad for doing that to Twilight, I should probably say sorry when she gets back from her 'walk'. She was totally blindsided when she found out what I really wanted the chicken for. Luckily for me, Fluttershy takes care of so many animals she needs to have a large variety of foods for them all. She only started getting nervous once I started cooking it, I guess even handling raw meat that often doesn't prepare you for smelling it cooked. Fenrir however, just sits there staring at me trying to get some food tossed his way before I'm done with it. Unbelievable, this is the first time he's ever had anyone cook meat near him and he already knows to wait for handouts. The end result of my cooking escapade is overdone chicken with onions, tomatoes, cheese, and hot sauce. Not being able to cook meat in a month throws off the timing for pefection. It still tastes amazing, but if it wasn't the first shred of meat I've had in almost a month it would not have been worth the cleanup I now have to do. Heading back into the kitchen there is nothing to do, all of the stuff I used is already clean and put away. I would be hard pressed to do that in the amount of time taken to eat, doing it with hooves and no magic is something I would have paid good money to see. After washing the one dish I brought with me, I go looking for Fluttershy to see if I can get a time frame for Twilight returning.

I find her out back with even more animals before finding a good way to explain myself without a handy drawing board. Fenrir bounds over to her to jump around her in circles. I sit down on one of the nearby benches to relax and think of how I can ask about Twilight.

“Don't worry, Twilight will be back soon. She just has to get something from Rarity before it gets too late,” or she can be psychic, that works too. With no real way to tell her thanks, I just give her a nod and a warm smile.

Having nothing better to do I just enjoy the scenery. The birds burst into a song that sounds really familiar. Looking to see which ones are causing the sound, it turns out Fluttershy is acting as a maestro to the lot of them. All of the other animals calm down just a little as the song progresses, with the exception of a white rabbit that came out of a burrow to start angrily gesturing at Fluttershy. She leaves the choir to sing on their own as she tries to convince the rabbit to calm down. She gestures to me with a wing and the rabbit looks at me with daggers in his eyes. At this point I'm convinced there is no middle ground when something involves me here. Someone is flipping a coin to have everything get a positive response or beat me face first into the ground, Applejack is the flip that landed on its edge. The rabbit gives me what is apparently the universal I'm watching you gesture of pointing to its eyes and then to me before heading back into its home. Really wish I had a holy hand grenade for the thing, just in case.

Twilight returns in much better shape than when she left, no longer green and ready to lose the contents of her stomach. “Welcome back. How was your walk over to Rarity's? Get what you need?” she takes an awkward step when I mention Rarity, but recovers before falling over.

“Yes, it was just a little something for the guest of honor for Pinkie's party. How did you know I went to Rarity's and how do you know who she is?” I set myself up for those so I can't really complain.

I almost say magic but since that's actually a thing here that would just cause problems, “We went over this remember? I have this thing whispering in my ear all the time. Fluttershy told me you went over there to get something, other than that I don't know anything. You ready to head home? You must be cutting it close to get to the party on time,” it shouldn't matter too much, but she seems the type to have 'fashionably late' turn into, 'Oh god how did everything go wrong' and I would like to avoid that if at all possible.

“Fluttershy is coming with us to the party, so we can go when she's ready. Can you wait for us in the cart?” she asks. I make my way there, already thinking of relaxing alone. A full night of uninterrupted reading will be the perfect way of finishing the day.

Instead of cracking open one of the two remaining unread books, I go back to reread one of my favorite short stories just to pass the time until we get to Twilight's. It works just as planned for once, when I finish the cart is being pulled into the private garden. Twilight leads the way in with me lagging a few steps behind. A sense of unease washes over me, making me take a step back to brace myself and steeling me for the chorus of surprises. Streamers, balloons, a banner saying “Welcome Lyndon”, and six familiar faces plus one other smiling at me clue me in that this is ground zero for Pinkie's master plan to kill me with a shock heart attack. The crafty sadist almost got me with it.

“Did I surprise you this time? What do you think of the colors? Do you like anything other than brownies? What do you think of the music? Enjoying the party so far?” Pinkie asks in rapid fire succession. Thankfully she's at least giving me time to take in everything mentioned.

“Pinkie, ya do remember he can't hear ya or talk with us until Twi gives him his gift right?” Applejack tells her.

Twilight steps forward from the back of the small group of ponies levitating the box next to her and says, “In honor of being the first contact of our two species I bestow upon you a small gift in order to foster continued good relations between our cultures,” while presenting the gift.

“Wow Twilight, what book did you get that corny speech from?” Rainbow asks, failing to hold back some laughter. The better question is why get me anything to begin with. I haven't done anything worthwhile here yet.

Twilight looks back at her scowling and says, “That's not important right now, stop ruining the moment.”

Taking the opportunity to see what could possibly be inside, I pry off the lid to find a small, weird shaped ruby with a hole drilled in the center and a cream colored silk choker embroidered with topazes. I'm not one for jewelry but I guess I can humor them for the rest of the night by putting it on. With no clue on what the loose ruby is for I just pocket it. It's like I'm not wearing the choker at all, rolling my head around causes no discomfort from the gems or the fabric.

“Ok Twilight, how do I look?”

The white unicorn with a purple mane speaks up instead, “Honestly Twilight, when you asked me to create those items for 'a friend of yours' I thought you were keeping a stallion from us, not some gangly creature,” so this is Rarity, and she's a bit of a jerk. At least her craftsmanship is good.

“So, now that we have her opinion, what do you think? Also, care to explain why there's a party going on here in the first place?” I again ask Twilight, hopefully I can keep her distracted enough to not tell the others I can understand them.

“Well, unless somepony was looking for the choker, they wouldn't be able to tell you were wearing it,” she finally tells me, “As for the party, Pinkie always throws one for any newcomers. Normally it involves half of the town but considering the circumstances I thought it was best to only have the eight of us here,” half the town to welcome someone? She's a special kind of party animal.

“Fine, just one last question before we get this started the right way. Whats with the jeweler and the reason I was coughing up blood?” I say pointing to both of them. Dash looks uncomfortable, guess she knows I'm bringing up our last encounter. I get tackled by a very soft yellow missile trying to get my shirt off. Animal magnetism isn't supposed to work on animals.

Everyone starts speaking at once, but the voice I choose to listen to is the one trying to disrobe me, “Are you still in pain? Where did she buck you? Why did she do it?” Fluttershy prodded, both with words and hooves.

To her I say while defending my shirt, “Chill a bit, I'm ok," she backs off a little but is now watching me closely. To everyone else I practically shout, “Alright, can everyone calm down for a second and will one of you explain how you can understand me?” I have a pretty good guess, but I would like it confirmed first. Looks like my plan of having fun with a one way language barrier backfired, hard.

Twilight being the only one not shocked into silence answers the question, “It's the choker you put on, the gems detect the vibrations of your throat when you speak and use the enchantment on them to send out a secondary set of sounds in our language,” well then, it's not a spell, not directly anyways.

“So magical talking rocks, got it,” I say to put it into simple English for myself, “Now that you guys are done freaking out, can I get my original question answered?”

“We already know why we're here. This party is to get to know you so why don't you tell us how you got here?” Pinkie chimes in. She's just going to keep doing this until something snaps, I've heard that tone with that smile attached too often from dad.

"You know what, fine. Since I'm the topic of the day how about this. Each of you can ask me a question and in return, I get to ask you one as well, sound good?" I at least want something out of this too. No one has a problem with it so I get the freebie out of the way, “Alright then, I was the first person to try to teleport between stars when something went wrong and ended up here.” Ignoring Twilight who says something about magic I ask my question to Rarity, “Since you made this,” I point to my neck, “could you tell me if this does something?” while showing off the ruby I put away earlier.

“That would be a hearing gem. Normally it would simply amplify the sound coming in through the hole. Since Twilight modified the enchantment after I gave it to her, my best guess is that it allows translation of our language into yours as a compliment to your neckpiece. Though it seems to not be needed," she gives a quick look over me and settles on, “Now my question to you Lyndon, is why did you get that sapphire embedded into your ear? Fashion statements are usually not so... permanent.”

“It's just a piece of glass that allows for quick and painless replacement of Null Set if I want an upgrade or if it ever gets corrupted. I always thought it looked nice, do you think green would have been better? No wait, that's a dumb question. Of course it wouldn't” now that my totally not useful answer is out of the way my next question is for Fluttershy. “Fluttershy, what was the name of the dog I was playing with at your house? I was calling him Fenrir.”

After mentioning the dog she stops shrinking away from the attention to reply with, “Dash named him actually, she calls him Gnawsome,” really Dash, really, a pun for a name? “If you don't mind me asking, why did you need to cook your food so much? Most other species don't even bother cooking the meat.”

Twilight suddenly loses enthusiasm about hearing my reply. AJ and Rarity are in varying degrees of being repulsed that I eat meat. Dash looks mildly interested. And Pinkie is going to take notes? Where did she... not important enough to kill my brain over.

“Simple answer, it ensures there's nothing harmful in the meat. Personal answer, I can't stand the texture of it undercooked. Overcooked sucks too but it's a lot more tolerable,” hopefully getting this out in the open means I can convince Twilight to buy some for me. The next one to get a question is Pinkie, just so I can get it over with and start ignoring her, “Pinkie, how exactly did you know my language when we first met?” I already know I'm not going to like the answer but if I don't ask it will drive me crazy, well more crazy.

“That's an easy one. The first step in making someone feel welcome is to know their name, since you didn't know Equish I needed to ask in English,” she says like it makes total sense. It doesn't and now a headache is threatening to start, trying to see how two plus two equals chair, “Now for the most important question you will ever answer in your life, care-a-mel or car-a-mel?” I honestly can't tell if this is a joke or not, she has the perfect poker face.

She's not saying anything else, so that's what I'm going with, “Care-a-mel, don't you want something... I don't know, more useful, answered?” with a question like that I kind of feel like I robbed her.

“Nope, I'm good,” she says while writing a lot more than just caramel into her notepad, "Wait, I got one. What are you? A new pony in Ponyville party doesn't work if you're not a pony. I need to know so I can add it to the list along with zebra, cow, donkey, mule, griffon..."

Twilight cuts her off with, “He's human and there's absolutely no information about them. It makes zero sense considering literally every other species between our two languages is exactly the same phonetically and nearly the same aesthetically,” yikes, I knew she had spent countless hours trying to find a reference to humanity in some books but she sounds about ready to punch someone in frustration.

Pinkie on the other hand, walks right up to me and starts poking me, “Huh, your skin isn't made of metal.”

That is the most nonsensical, dumbest and outright odd thing to think about me, “Why in the world would I have metallic skin?”

"Because the stories say you should and I can prove it. There should be a copy of it here somewhere, back in a sec," and she just heads to the shelves to look for a book.

Twilight is stunned into silence and I can't decide if that's more amusing than Pinkie just nonchalantly tossing out that Twilight overlooked a book. It can't be more than a minute before she comes back with a large book that has very few pages.

It's plucked from Pinkie and floats over to Twilight who immediately starts reading it out loud," 'Tyke Meets the Neighborhood' Pinkie, this is a foals book," I get into a position where I can see the pictures that should be in there. She clearly doesn't believe the answer is in there but she starts reading regardless, "Pony, zebra, griffon. Diamond dogs don't have that kind of social structure. Minotaurs use mazes as defensive measures, not homes. Saurians have been extinct for a few centuries.

"Pinkie, these are not the same humans. They look like a crazy engineer went overboard with the brass work, and from what Lyndon has told me they aren't a dimorphic species," she says rattling off some information I've told her.

From what I can see it looks reasonably close for a steampunk setting. The female looks like a standard Clockwork creation with gears showing around the articulation points. The male looks like a silverback gorilla whose skin got infused with metal and transformed into a suit of medieval armor.

"Well it's not us, but whoever drew this sure got the steampunk down right, Twilight. If she spoke I can already imagine the tinny quality of her voice clearly. At least the artist got close and you have some of your own info on me. Can we continue this without getting any more sidetracked?" I ask, trying to get this done and over with. Yes it was my idea. No, I don't have to like it.

With that nonsense out of the way I look towards Dash for my next question. “So Dash, what made it seem like a good idea to kick me really hard in the stomach?”

Everyone focuses on her as we all want to know the answer, “Well, when you and Twilight were doing the whole picture talking thing I was making sure you didn't suddenly do something to hurt her. I kind of overreacted a little when I thought you called us horses.”

“I did call you horses,” two heads turn their glares my way while the rest stay on Dash, “would you care to explain how that deserves so much pain?”

“You can't be serious, you said we all slept with other ponies for bits. Can you not see the terrible insult there?” so she got mad I called them all whores? Whore, horse, God damn it stop with the puns already.

Actually no, if this keeps up then maybe I can start indulging in the pun fountain and not feel like a terrible person. Dash takes my moment of reflection as one of back then, not of one of the future, “It didn't cross my mind that you had no idea what you were calling us that day, so like I said, I overreacted. Sorry about that. I didn't really hit you that hard though," yeah sure, I'm counting having a near death moment as being hit pretty damn hard.

"So anyways Lyndon, what makes humans special, pegasi are nimble and can fly, unicorns can use magic and even earth ponies are really tough,”

"Absolutely nothing," is my immediate answer. It's not entirely true, but it beats having to say we have a knack for beating our problems into submission.

Twilight butts in with, "No, you are not getting away with a non answer on this one. There has to be something about your species otherwise you wouldn't be here right now."

I guess I'm going to have to humor her. I'm here because of mad science gone wrong, so let's just play that up to eleven, "Alright fine. You want the one trait that you can point to and say, 'yea that's a human for ya?' We take things to the extreme. We can run at seventy five miles per hour for forty minutes. We can push ourselves to run at thirty for a full twenty four hour day. The fastest traditional time around the world is sitting at just under twenty two hours. That point is made mostly irrelevant when we can teleport to any suitable space on said planet instantaneously. We can reach space and deep into the core of our planet, and survive comfortably. And you want to know the best part of all of this? I can't prove a word of it. I don't have the tools nor augments necessary to do anything even remotely close. Hehehehaha," the laugh is totally necessary. One does not simply talk about mad science without being infected by it.

Since Twilight is naturally not amused, my next question heads over to Applejack, "AJ, does the entire planet here have tattoos on their flanks, or did I just run into the group that likes getting inked?"

“It's called a cutie mark, and no, only ponies have them. Zebras have something similar with tribal symbols. They appear when a pony discovers their special talent, the one thing they can do that no other pony can match. Mine is being able to tend to the apple orchard my family owns on the edge of town,” neat, if not a bit unsettling. Especially if you happen to get one for being a lawyer. Being a good scum of the earth doesn't make people hate you less. With any luck that means Twilight's star mark means she's good at interstellar communication and not astrology. After a short pause Applejack's question is, “This can't be easy on ya, how have ya not panicked yet?”

"Running around like an idiot screaming my head off rarely helps anyone. Twilight jumping me and barraging me with questions came close. What would have happened if I bolted from that? Considering Dash was there I'd say probably a fair bit more damage than what ended up happening anyways. Beyond that, Being on new planets is kind of my job so I'm used to some rather odd things happening," before going into my entire worlds visited catalog I get my last question out of the way, “Twilight, just what kind of help did you ask for from Fluttershy and when did this happen?”

“I went to have a talk with her the afternoon of the day you arrived in town. I went to ask for ways to calm down lost and frightened animals, along with a few ways to stop them from lashing out if they got too aggressive without hurting them. I'm glad I didn't have to apply anything she told me, even after Pinkie happened,” Twilight admits before launching her own question. "Now, you have told us what that crystal in your ear is, I want to know what exactly it can do."

Oh boy, this should be fun. I start rattling off features, "It can let me communicate with other people that have one instantly. It holds my mail for me to check whenever I want. It can save audio and visual input to be reviewed later. It can hold a dizzying amount of information for instantaneous recall. But the best feature it has is one it can't do right now, which is connect to a system that houses almost everything ever done by my species over the past century and a good portion of our history as a whole.

"Null Set, eject an empty crystal,” I pop off the casing to Null Set in order to show the inside. The clear shard I pull out of Null Set is about an inch and a half long, “This is part of the storage system. Twilight, I need you to grab one of the longest novels in the library for a comparison.”

“Herald of a New Dawn,” she announces as the massive book hits the table, “almost one million words of a guard captain's rise and duty to the princess right after she banished her sister to the moon. Let me guess, you're about to tell us that what you have in your hand can hold the entirety of this book within it right?”

“...Yes, that just ruined a little bit of the wow factor, thanks for that. Anyways, the real question is just how many copies of that book do you think my crystal can hold? Make it a big number please, there is no such thing as overshooting it. Just give me a second to actually do the math,” my finger dances around near my head as I start doing calculations. A million words is about five megabytes, a hundred stories would be five hundred megs, two hundred for a gig, two hundred thousand for a tera, and one million for all five of them. Ok, that number shocks even me, holy hell I love technology, “Ok, got the number. As a word of warning, take whatever you were about to give me as your guess and multiply it by twenty five at the very least.”

“Twenty five thousand books. I was going to use how many I have here, but apparently you don't think that would be enough. How close does your crystal get to that number?” cute, she thinks she overshot it.

“To be honest, that is nowhere near what Null Set can hold,” I put a good amount of dejection into my voice to deliver that line. There's that hint of smugness from her, time to stamp it out, “I guess I can give you a second chance to get the right number. And this time try not to aim small.”

“Small? Small? How is that small!?” everyone else is wisely staying out of this, but Dash is enjoying the outrage a little too much. After a few seconds to calm down she tries another number, “Is five hundred thousand too much for it to handle at least?”

“I hate to say it, but no. this one crystal can hold one million copies of that book as pure text,” technology and magic, both really good at shocking things that are not used to it. While they all try to imagine that many books in my ear I put my crystal back into place and reseal Null Set.

"How about we turn the music back on and mess around for the rest of the night?" I suggest, grateful that it's over even if I got a bunch of good information.

“What about Spike? You never asked him a question,” Twilight tells me.

“Why would I need to ask your familiar a question?” that was something I didn't expect to be asked.

“He's not a familiar, hes my assistant and practically my little brother, I hatched him myself. What made you think I called him?” She demands.

“Powerful mages usually have a summoned servant to help with everyday activities. Spike is a miniature dragon that sorts the library, gets the groceries, cooks, along with doing anything else you tell him to,” I say, defending my claim. One that comes from fantasy novels, but still, “He can even ask me something first, I need to think of something.”

“Is that the reason you never tried talking to me? You thought I was a summoned helping hand and nothing else?” Spike asks, the little guy has an are you serious face staring right at me.

“Short answer, yes. Long answer, you were acting pretty much perfectly how a familiar is supposed to act, my bad. Mind telling me what the point was of incinerating the letter you wrote for Twilight? Seems like a waste of time to write it only to burn it,” that little show had slipped my mind until just now.

“I didn't burn it, I sent it to princess Celestia. Dragon fire is nearly instant, much faster and secure than using the post office,” he says, clearly proud at being the fast line to a princess. Wait, what? The person who's been housing me has direct ties to royalty too?

“Ok, let me get this straight. You are a powerful mage, have a dragon assistant that is not a simple familiar, instead you hatched his egg and raised him. Now you're telling me you are pen pals with royalty on top of that? I don't suppose you've saved the world from eternal evil as well, because that would be just perfect,” perfect in a way that would make Mary Sue jealous. My expression along with my somewhat annoyed voice makes it clear that I'm not believing it.

“When you put it like that it does sound a bit much. But princess Celestia is my teacher, not a pen pal. The girls and I have actually saved Equestria, three times in fact. If you want, I can get Celestia to write you a letter verifying everything,” as she claims this, Spike gets a quill and paper ready to write it down.

“Tomorrow, let's just get on with the party,” I can't even tell what kind of tone I'm using anymore, too many things running in my head at once.

The next few hours are spent playing Pinkie's party games and screwing around. It's been so long with only Twilight and cramming the language into my head that I almost forgot how to be a real person. During a lull in the festivities I ask about how they all met. AJ and Rarity have been childhood friends, Pinkie came to town one day and made everyone her friend, and Dash went to flight camp with Fluttershy. Then Twilight showed up and became fire forged friends with all of them on the adventure.

After listening through the campaign I say the only reasonable thing, "Please tell me you skipped a few levels for being able to do all of that in one night. There's no way you can pull all of that off so fast and still only be level two. At least you shouldn't be if Celestia is a good GM."

"We are not heros in an Ogres and Oubliettes setting, how can what we said make you think that?" Twilight asks. Really? You need me to spell it out? Then again what I do feels normal and I've had a few hero comments thrown my way.

"Tell me if this sounds like a gaming session. Twilight, you are under orders to oversee a celebration and bump into the rest of the group who just so happen to be leading various parts of the preparation. The big event is going on when the quest hook happens, instead of your glorious princess showing up to bring the day, an ancient evil seals her away and threatens to bring eternal night to the planet. Together with people you really have no business being with, you pass obstacles that can only be beaten by each of your unique skill sets. When you reach the castle you have a final showdown with new found power that purifies her to reveal that she is actually the sister of the princess that originally sent Twilight to the town in the first place," seriously, that's at least deserving of level eight.

"Alright, alright, it sounds like a game. At least we didn't all meet in a tavern," Twilight concedes the point and gets on a tangent of Ogres and Oubliettes in general. Pen and paper rpgs, one of the nerdiest pastimes in any culture. Now we just need to find a third planet with sapient life to confirm it. Twice can just be coincidence after all.

The first one to leave is Rarity, who takes off after learning that I've been wearing the same thing for a month and washing it when I shower. She makes an excuse of needing to design some new clothes for a client, I just think the thought creeps her out. Fluttershy's the next one out, saying she needs to feed the animals before it gets too late. I tell her to give Fenrir a hug for me, the name Gnawsome is dead to me. Dash leaves after looking out the window towards the forest and says she needs to be on call in case the storm over the Everfree gets really bad. Applejack leaves at the same time to go home. Pinkie helps clean up before showing herself out.

When it's just the three of us Twilight mentions that she wants to get some readings about the storm. She tells me that the Everfree has been acting even more chaotic ever since a guy named Discord showed up and screwed with everything. I'd ask about him but I have a feeling it's a long story that she doesn't want to make the time for. The worst of the outbreaks happened about a month ago, on the night before I got zapped here. With any luck maybe I can ride the lightning back home.

Since I don't really feel like reading now I decide to keep her company. Now that I have a decent grasp of the language I listen to the recordings of the early days so I can finally know what happened and delete them. We can see the storm clearly even this late at night, it's like they want to put on a show. Twilight introducing everyone and getting overexcited that I can talk, deleted. The clouds give off bronze sparks as lightning builds up within them, showing shapes of lions and wolves. Dash turning my insides into goo along with the resulting argument, gone. Peals of thunder making the clouds sound like the wild animals they represent ready to pounce. Me being able to ward off magic, now that is handy to know. I would ask Twilight about it but she is writing down everything she sees and hears in great detail. When there is a small break in the action I ask what she's taking notes on, she says that this is almost as severe as the night I showed up, but she didn't get a chance to record anything because of a massive cloud of miasma coming from the forest was making her feel all around bad. She tells me that she is hoping for it to happen again so she can study how it forms even if it means feeling terrible. As the night goes on the weather gets more intense, the clouds are now releasing hail over the forest, and only the forest. Lightning encapsulated within them that shatters on impact creating a multicolored display that rivals the grandest fourth of July celebrations. In the lull after the clouds have expended themselves I see the one thing in the corner of my eye that brings me tears of joy.

Signal received, synching.