A spice-tacular tale

by skyrimlegion

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human
Length: 2619

It has been just over a couple of years since the power of Old Spice appeared in Equestria. But now...ITS BACK!

TERRY CREWS HAS RETURNED TO FUCKING EQUESTRIA TO BRING THE GIFT OF OLD SPICE TO THE PONY RACE, BUT HE CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT THE HELP OF HIS FRIENDS AND ALLIES.
WATCH AS BILLY MAYS SELLS A STALION OLD SPICE THAT MAKES HIM INVINCIBLE TO THE FRIENDZONE.
WATCH AS DILDO FAGGINS AND YOLO SWAGGINS ARE HOISTED AWAY BY A GIANT EAGLE
WATCH AS 60'S SPIDERMAN STILL DOESEN'T GIVE A FUCK!

WILL HE EVER BLESS EQUESTRIA WITH OLD SPICE?
READ TO FIND OUT!

PRAISE BE THE SPICE! HAIL!

Published 2013-05-06 08:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-08 22:50:46 UTC

Chapter 1: P

"Unusual isn't it?" She asked, staring into the sky. The Stallion beside her nodded in confirmation and resumed staring into the sky at the 'Unusual' sight in the sky.

"Well it would explain why it's unusually hot..."

In the sky low and behold it stood, a single one of them wouldn't be unusual but the addition of a second one was certainly a sight to behold because ladies and gentleman...There was a second sun in the sky.

"But why is it there?" They both asked in unison, both of their hooves going to their chins in thought. But as they stood there motionless in deep thought a black suddenly found its place between them.

"WHAT!" Yelled Terry Crews sending the couple to the ground. There standing above the couple Terry Crews in all his glory, his heavy set blackman-ness was a sight to behold and his red speedos were symbolic, even to those who don't know of the existence of these garments.

The pony couple lay on their backs staring wide eyed at the alien black guy that stood above them. They both looked at each in the eyes before resuming their sights back on Terry Crews.

"OLD SPICE BODY OUDOR BLOCKER IS SO POWERFUL IT CAN CREATE A SUN!" Announced Terry Crews, the power of Old Spice radiating off of his body. The pony couple stared in confusion at the strange alien that stood above them, before glancing back at each other and resuming her sights back on the black guy.

"But...Why?" They both asked in unison, their eyebrows arching in unison. Terry Crews looked at the pony couple with such burning anger that he had to force himself to not destroy them immediately with the power of Old Spice and maybe the whole planet for such an atrocity such as asking the question "Why?".

"BECAUSE OLD SPICE BODY OUDOR BLOCKER BLOCKS OUDOR FOR UP TO 16 HOURS!" He shouted at the top of the lungs, vibrating the whole world. The mare stared clueless at Terry Crews, her mouth slightly agape. The stallion on the other hand looked at Terry Crews in awe and disbelief.

"S-Sixteen hours?" The Stallion asked, his eyes gleaming at the possibility of keeping has mare alluring scent for up to 16 hours was an impossibility with the current odour blocking deodorants his world had meer possession of.

"DID I FUCKING STUTTER!"

The Mare cringed at the use of vulgar language but the Stallion's mouth curved into a wide bright beam and he raised himself to his hooves.

"Where can I get some of this 'Old Spice'?" The Stallion asked Terry Crews, his eye's glinting like a colt's on heaths warming eve.

"BILLY MAYS HERE!" Announced Billy Mays, appearing just behind the stallion scaring the bejezus out of him and the mare who just resorts to fainting on the ground.

Billy Mays, god of great value sales stood before the stallion, wearing a blue t-shirt, brown cargo pants and italian leather shoes. Billy Mays had a brilliant head of brilliant jet black hair with a godlike beard, and a smile that was as bright as the two suns in the sky.

"WITH A SPECIAL EQUESTRIA OFFER!" Billy Mays announced in his signature voice, that of which could shake the very foundations of the television set with a mere word. Billy Mays opened his palm and in its place appeared a bottle of Old Spice body odour blocker, its might practically shining, making all eyes that stared upon it's holiness sparkle in amazement.

"OLD SPICE OUDOUR BODY BLOCKER BLOCKS OUDOUR FOR SIXTEEN HOURS INCREASES PENIS SIZE AND MAKES YOU INVINCIBLE TO THE FRIEND-ZONE!"

All these positives was like diamond covered gold ingots to the Stallion's ears who was immediately enchanted by the offer of Old Spice. He grabbed a bag of bits from a tear in the dimension due to the fact Ponies have no pockets and offered the bag to Billy Mays.

"How much?" The Stallion asked, his hoof trembling in excitement.

"$19.95!" Billy Mays told the Stallion, his smile as wide as could be. The Stallion's eyebrow curved in confusion because he had no idea how to pay that sum of money, since all currently in Equestria was in ones, fives and tens, but no such thing as '19.95'.

"I don't know how much that is sooo...Just take it!" The Stallion exclaimed throwing Billy Mays the bag of bits, all two hundred. Little did he know that due to gold's value on earth the Stallion willingly paid $2000 bits for the bottle of Old Spice...Worth it of course.

Billy Mays threw the bottle of Old Spice at the Stallion, the Stallion catching it in his mouth.

"Ow gawsh, aw cawn't ait!" The Stallion attempted to talk but was unable too due to the Old Spice in his mouth but the meaning was clear: He couldn't wait to get home.

The Stallion galloped away as fast as he possibly could, leaving a trail of smoke behind him, leaving Billy Mays, Terry Crews and the unconscious Mare.

Both Billy Mays and Terry Crews stood motionless in place as the Stallion galloped away, the suns setting over the horizon. After a couple of minutes passes Terry Crews looked into the air, faint images of Chuck Norris and Gandalf could be seen in the sky but he paid no head to them. Terry Crew prepared his lungs and Billy Mays placed two fingers in his ears, readying himself for the incoming noise.

"POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!" Terry Crews screamed into the sky, the clouds parting to reveal a faint red circle in the sky with an inner white circle and a brown ship in the centre...The signal of Old Spice.

"They'll be here soon..."

Both Billy and Crews shimmered away and disappeared leaving no trace of their existence except a massive brick on the ground that Billy Mays casually deposited out of his rear, because being next to Terry Crew while he shouts the almighty "POWER!" Will make you shit bricks...Literally.

NEXT TIME ON A SPICE TACULAR TALE:

REALITIES COLLIDE.
PEOPLE GET PISSED
A FUCK IS NOT GIVEN

DON'T MISS THE NEXT CHAPTER OF A SPICETACULAR TALE, COMING SOON!

Author's Note

After Duke of Earl goes to Equestria flopped I wrote this instead with incredibly minimum effort. All respects go out to Yourprivatenightmare, all my followers, Firestripe55 and captainsand who did a readings of my fic 60's spiderman goes to equestria. Iron Night, Marinesmarksman and the church of Old Spice.

I PROMISE MORE FUNNIES NEXT CHAPTER, THIS WAS AN INTRODUCTION DONT GET PISSED.

Chapter 2: O

Chapter 2: O

It was late evening in badly animated New York City (b.a.n.y.c- Ban-yuk). People were beginning to return to the safety of their homes, criminals hired their favorite prostitutes for the night, and hobos were singing Christmas Carrols together behind dumpsters. Yep a perfectly average day in late night Ban-Yuk, All except…for one individual…

“Yolo!” Yelled 60’s Era Spiderman as he flew on top of his newly acquired girlfriend, Princess Luna of Equestria.

“This is most unsafe!” Responded Luna with difficulty, as torrents of late night Ban-Yuk air blew into her face.

60’s Spiderman chose to ignore her and proceeded to smack her flank in order for her to go faster…it had the opposite effect.

“Ouch!”

Princess Luna then stopped to a mere hover and looked over her shoulder with a scolding look on her face. Despite having a stare that could petrify even the most stoic of ponies in Equestria, they weren’t in Equestria…and 60’s Spiderman wasn’t a pony.

“LoL wut?” 60’s Spiderman replied to Luna’s ‘apparent’ stare, which had no effect on him. 60’s Spiderman has the heart of douche and the mouth of New Yorks sewage system, and yes, I mean the real New York, not Ban-Yuk, so it was typical for him to reply in this manner.

“Why did thee smack thou on the flank!?” Half asked half yelled Luna, her voice slightly cracking with anger. At this 60’s Spiderman scratched his head and shrugged, his brain had trouble formulating an answer like it always did (Unless it was a smart ass remark to which he always had a reply to.)

“Uhh…you were meant to go faster…like a horsie.” Replied 60’s Spiderman, and yes you can face palm if you wish, this was in the list of half assed responses 60’s Spiderman was known for giving, and need I remind you this is how he acted around his girlfriend.

Luna’s eye twitched and she felt a rising anger begin to build up in her chest. Her legs started to twitch back and fro, and her teeth started grinding against each other, possibly wearing them away.

“Uhhh…?” All 60’s Spiderman could say. He poked Luna thrice on the head before speaking up again....

“U kay?” Asked 60’s Spiderman; uttering one of the few sentences of concern he has ever said in his life, all of which have been to Luna.
At first Luna didn’t respond, only awkward silence… and the sounds of the cars in the city…and the gun shots…and the planes that fl- Okay I’ll just leave it at awkward silence.

But after a few minutes of awkward silence Luna let out a long drawn out sigh, her head hanging low.

“Ar-“

Before 60’s Spiderman could let out whatever the fuck his brain could have possibly thought have saved the situation Luna launched a projectile from her horn of great size, rivaling a small family sized pick-up truck.

“Uh Oh…” Was all that left Luna’s lips, she brought a hoof up to her lips and wore a worried grin on her face. On 60’s Spiderman’s face however was a face that couldn’t hold his amusement anymore so he had to express it with words.

“…LOL!”

“I hope nobody got hurt…”

[ Meanwhile ]

Vince Offer with a smile on his face left HBO studios.

“A part on game of thrones! Could my life get any better!” Vince said to himself, his smile beaming like the first rays of sun in the morning. He began to walk with swagger down the sidewalk. His walk continued on for a couple of minutes before finding himself bending over and picking up a piece of paper on the ground…A WINNING LOTERY TICKET.

“YEAAAH!” Vince jumped high with cheer and a feeling of self worth finally regained but totally unaware of the rather large blue colored projectile coming for him…

[ Back to Lunaspi ]

After awhile of worrying (From Luna) She released a deep sigh and looked down below at the still roaring streets of Ban-Yuk, her mind drifting to thought she hadn’t thought about since she left home, and that was it…’home’

Luna thought of the land she once lived in, and began to have feeling of nostalgia, sure she loved 60’s Spiderman with all her heart (God knows why) but what she wouldn’t give just to spend one day back in Equestria.

Then suddenly a gigantic symbol appeared in the sky, it was majestic, magnificent, amazing, it was...Spicearific!

"Tis that odd yet familiar symbol in the sky?" Luna asked no one, her hoof going to her chin in deep thought...Until she heard the snoring of 60's Spiderman whom had decided this was the best time to take a power nap, why? Ain't it obvious?...He didn't give a fuck, exactly the reason why Luna flew at the highest speed she could towards the strange emblem in the sky...

[ Meanwhile in Middle Earth ]

Two Hobbits walked down a dirt path in the shire. There names were: Dildo Faggins and Yolo Swaggins.

Dildo was a fag. He wore your granddad's clothes and I admit he looked incredible, but nothing could save him from the amount of faggotry he radiated with his every groin grabbing step he took.

Yolo on the other hand was more desirable but that isn't saying much. He wore a white jeans, some blue trainers, a white fedora, some sunglasses (Even if there was no sun out.) and wore absolutely no shirt whats so ever. Yolo had gold chains going from his neck all the way down to his groin and his chest hair was one to marvel at for it was made of solid platinum rather than 'hair'. Despite being quote on quote more 'Desirable' than Dildo is only contributed to the fact he doesn't worship Justin Bieber and Lil Wayne as his gods (Unlike Dildo.).

They carried on walking down the path, one grabbing his groin while the other walking with a swagger. They occasionally stop to hump at nothing in the air before resuming their normal faggotry. Is wasn't long before they came to the borders of Hobbiton, in which they were strictly forbidden from entering again, I won't say much, but it involved fire, a smoking pipe, pipe weed and a horse. They then turned their backs on the town before noticing something in the sky...

"Wat is dat thin?" Asked Dildo, his speech worser than that of the cast of Jersey Shore (Not kidding.) Yolo proceeded to stare into the sky as well, his awfully small brain trying to come up with an answer to the large thing in the sky.

"...Waight! Dats one of dose UFOs innit brav?" Yolo said. What? Thats it, he simply 'said' it, he didn't say it in any particular manner, he just 'said' it...

"Nah bruv, its go-ah be silvah innit?" Dildo 'said' in his faggot tone, staring wall eyed into the sky. They both continued to stare into the sky until out of nowhere a giant eagle hoisted them off the ground, lifting them towards the symbol in the sky.

"Get off us faggot!" The duo screamed as they were in the eagle's talons. It took every ounce of will power for the eagle to not kill the sons of bitches in his talons.

"I don't know why they needed 'these' two. The eagle muttered beneath his breath, the duo too busy screaming and crying to enable him to think these thought in his head.

[ Meanwhile at Canterlot Castle ]

A lone Alicorn stayed awake that night, her sister asleep from exhaustion. The task of setting two suns was an incredibly hard task for her sister, but eventually she prevailed, promising to find out the cause of this phenomena the next morning. While her sister slept she decided to take matters into her own hooves, researching every possible book at the Caterlot archives to find any cause of this, even resorting to asking her sisters newly alicorn-ised student for an answer but to no avail. So here last line course of action was to think. She simply stared at the symbol from her balcony, trying to fit every piece of this otherwise difficult puzzle, But she knew one thing. Whatever this thing was...It was trouble.

NEXT TIME ON A SPICE-TACULAR TALE

NO FUCKS WILL YET BE GIVEN.

ACTUAL PLOT

DILDO CONFESSES HIS LOVE FOR NICKI MINAJ

MORE CHARACTERS WILL BE INTRODUCED INCLUDING OLD FACES

AND YET AGAIN, ONE MORE FOR THE CAMERA

NO FUCKS WILL BE GIVEN

also as tribute to epic donuts the duke of earl might me in the next chapter

Author's Note

This guys...Was originally going to be a fic. Give it a guess what this was originally going to be...60's Spiderman returns to Equestria. I decided to ass the story to this story because they do already mix together anyway so I thought "Why not?" So yeeeeah.

This was also AN INTRODUCTION CHAPTER like the previous one, so don't get but hurt. The chapters will go beyond when POWER is spelt in the chapters so keep your pants on will ya? Thank you.