October 6, age 10
Dear Diary (I feel like a little school-filly saying that), today is my tenth birthday. You were given to me as a present from my aunt, who still insists that I AM a little school-filly, and I loathe you and her. If anypony is reading this, just know that this is completely against my objections and wishes. I was forced - no, blackmailed, into doing this. Dear Celestia…Okay let’s get this started. Hello my name is Ditzy Doo. I am a student at Cumulus Academy for Young Fliers and daughter to the school’s principle. I guess you would think that that would be a plus, having the principle as your dad. In reality, it just means a lot of stares and intimidated looks from your peers, them receiving equally unfriendly stares. As a result, I don’t often come off as “the nicest.” However, I do have one friend named Lightning Chaser who doesn’t care that my dad has the entire school under his hoof. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason she puts up with me. Whichever it is, I’m grateful that at least one pony isn’t threatened by my family or me.
October 10, age 10
Dear Diary, it’s been a few days after my birthday, and I thought I’d be done with you. Yet no matter how many times I “accidentally” throw you away, your thick leather covers keep finding their way back into my life. Since you refuse to stay away, I might as well put you to good use, not that there’s anything interesting in my life right now. Our entire school curriculum is devoted to learning how to fly, which most of us mastered last year, and discovering our cutie marks. So far, not a single pony has found any “special talent.” Even Mist Catcher, the mayor’s only daughter, and her ugly friends, Golden Secret and Ebony, are completely “talent-less.” Even though this makes me happy to see that those bullies aren’t better than anypony, it still means that I am also “talent-less.” Oh well, Lighting and I are perfectly okay without cutie marks, for the moment. We both agree that the whole thing is kinda messed up. I mean, labeling a pony a baker, or a carpenter their entire life, just because they have a picture of it on their flank is cruel, isn’t it? Even though it is supposed to be the one thing you love doing more than anything, what if I don’t want to be a carpenter? Am I stuck doing this my entire life just because I’m good at it? Oh well, I should stop rambling. But that’s what this diary is for, isn’t it? I’ll write more when something interesting comes up.
October 11, age 10
I promised myself that I would burn this book, or throw it off the edge of Cloudsdale when nopony was looking, but for some reason I keep finding myself venting to this stupid diary! But what do you know, something interesting happened today. We have flight class first thing in the morning, which means that our entire class gets to go outside in the freezing weather and hover for twenty minutes while our instructor yells at us. This particular morning, the pony right next to me was, of course, Misty. Uggg…Just being around her makes me angrier than most anything. Talking with her makes me want to scream for hours without end. So, of course, what does she do? She starts talking to me. At first I ignore it. It took a lot of will power to not turn around and buck her in the face. Misty, obviously not taking any hints, continues her taunting. This went on for about ten minutes until one of the newbie fliers at the end of the line had lost his stamina and fallen the whole thirty meters down to the solid cloud below. There was nothing to break his fall, except for his wings. So, even all the way up in the air, we all heard the sickening snap of the cartilage breaking in his wings. Luckily I had turned my head before he landed and was saved the sight of seeing it actually happen, unlike some other ponies who had watched the entire thing and were proceeding to puke behind the line of hovering ponies. The instructor immediately flew down to go help the poor colt. He eventually had to fly the young boy out of there himself, not before telling us to shut up and to stay still.
It only took five seconds of the instructor’s absence for the torrents of questions and shouts to begin. I personally had seen many accidents like these in the past while watching my mom work at the emergency room, so this little break didn’t even phase me, unlike the other ponies who had never seen more than a scrape on their legs. Instead of flying over to go join Lightning, who was one of the screamers, I stayed where I was. I thought that the fall would have made Misty a little bit freaked, but to my surprise, she and all of her friends were laughing at the colt! I couldn’t believe it! If you weren’t going to look horrified, the least you could do was feel sorry for him! After all, he’d be out of flying for several weeks, if not months, before being able to get back in the air. And even then, he’d have to make up for all the training he missed.
I heard the dark grey pony, known as Ebony, say something about how his grades might drop because of this, and I lost it. Rage completely filled my brain and, to be honest, I don’t know really know what happened after that. Some Pegasi instinct kicked in and I found myself somehow diving from several meters in the air, crashing into the small jeering group, instantly knocking them all out of the sky. Though all of them recovered, I didn’t give any of them a chance to attack back before slamming into each of them twice more. My body was a slave to whatever impulse it felt, not discriminating between this attack or another, only hoping to ground the three of them. Eventually, though, one of the spectating ponies must have alerted one of the unicorn instructors, because I felt my wings suddenly shut down and my limbs stop working. I sank like a rock for maybe a second before the magic blue aura surrounded my entirety and dragged me away to the solid cloud on the ground. It wasn’t fair! Why was I being dragged away when those bullies were the ones who deserved it? The unicorn carried me the entire way to my dad’s office before leaving me in the small room, by myself. Of course my dad would be the first pony to hear about this. He’s in charge of the disciplinary program at our school.
It took about ten minutes before he finally showed up. When he did, he gave me the same lecture he gave to every pony that found his or her self in this same situation. He didn’t even seem to notice I was his daughter.
November 15, age 10
Hello Diary. Back when I first got you I wanted nothing to do with you. I tried everyday to get rid of you. Why didn’t I? Because now I’m sitting here writing, wondering why I went and looked for you tonight. You’re no use to me. You haven’t solved any of my problems. In fact, all you do is make me remember every thing I don’t want to remember. Yet, I find myself craving your company. It’s been more than a month since my last entry, and for some reason tonight you’re all I can think of. Maybe it’s the events that have transpired over the time when I didn’t write, or maybe it’s just I’m feeling more lonely than usual. Whichever it is, I feel you must know.
After I had gotten in trouble, I was put on in-school probation/suspension/what ever you want to call it. I wasn’t allowed to eat with every other pony, I had to stay after school for thirty minutes everyday, and I had to write a formal apology to Misty, Golden, and Ebony. Apparently my “heinous” actions caused Golden Secret to become “severely traumatized.” Misty even got her mom, the mayor, to make me clean up trash around the Wonderbolts Arena.
Fights are so rare at Cumulus that I’ve been put on the reform list and sent to special classes so I can learn to control my anger. You can imagine how this makes me feel. You’d think that having your dad as the principle, he’d at least pick favorites, let you off with a verbal warning. But no, he made sure to make an example of me! Me! His own daughter, the face of Cumulus’s worst. What made it worse, is that he didn’t even have any sympathy for me. All he did was look at me with those big, cold grey eyes and pass judgment. My mom wasn’t any more help than he was. They wanted to raise a “perfect” daughter, and I was what they received.
December 8, age 10
I can’t stand this anymore! Everyday it’s the same thing! I’m treated like some freak and showcased to the entire school population as what not to be. It’s humiliating. The stares, the hushed whispers behind my back, the hoofs pointed in my direction from across the field, saying “Hey! There’s Ditzy!” I’m known by everypony in the entire school, yet I feel like the most alone. Instead of the usual intimidated looks, I get frightened ones. Ones that scream “No Ditzy! Don’t hurt me!” I cry almost every night to myself. No use in crying aloud. My parents would simply ignore me. I’m sure they know I’m crying. It’s almost instinctual for parents to know when their child is distressed, yet it’s their choice to go and comfort them. It’s pretty easy to figure out which one they chose.
If it wasn’t for Lightning Chaser I don’t know what I’d do. She’s the only pony who has continually stood by me. Through thick and thin she’s been at my side, never once saying anything mean. The only time I ever smile anymore is when we’re together.
February 2, age 10
If somepony were to tell me a few months ago that I’d be apologizing to a book, I would have called them crazy. But here I am, saying I’m sorry to my diary for not writing in it for nearly two months. It wasn’t by choice, though! I swear! My parents took it away. Here, I better explain.
A few days after Hearth’s Warming Day I was deemed a “changed mare” and taken off the reform list. This means I was sent back to my regular classes, but put on a strict watch. Things had started to finally turn around. For the moment my life seemed to go back to normal. I stopped receiving the terrified stares, I heard my name much less frequently than before, even my parents had seemed to soften a bit. Everything seemed like it would resolve itself. Then I met Thunder Clap.
He was the colt who at the beginning of the year fell and caused this whole mess. The reason why he was so weak was because his family had flown all the way from Manehatten to Cloudsdale the previous night and he’d barely gotten any time to sleep. When I first met him I honestly didn’t know what to say, he’s much more attractive up close. I might’ve said something along the lines of “How’s your wing?” But it came out so slurred and mixed I had to repeat it two or three more times before he understood what I said. We began talking, and talking, and talking some more. It only took a week after we met for him to start meeting me after classes and flying me home when school was out. It was surreal. I found that he was the only pony I could talk to and not feel out of place. For the first time in, who knows how long, I felt normal.
We were almost always together, him and me, me and him. Every night we’d stay out late, both of us taunting our parents. Oh you can believe they got mad. Every time I’d come home late I’d get screamed at. But it was all right. I could live with it, because I knew that Thunder would be getting the same talk at his house.
We’ve been together for a little over a month now and Hearts and Hooves Day is less than a week from now! Dear Celestia I can hardly wait! He tells me that he has some big surprise for me, but he won’t give me any hints. I keep telling him to give me something, but he just gets that stupid grin on his face and says “It can wait, love.” I don’t know why I deal with him.
February 14, age 10
Today’s the day! It’s Hearts and Hooves Day and I’ve been waiting all week for this. Thunder has finally told me what the surprise is. He brought me a box of chocolates straight into my afternoon classes in front of everypony to see. I honestly didn’t know what to do! One moment I was studying different talents that appealed to me, the next I was being dragged to the front of the classroom with the best stallion in the world. Later, after class, he told me that tonight he’d be taking me to Original Germaine’s! The actual place, where it’s said the cheapest thing on the menu is fifty bits. I don’t know how he can afford it, he must have been saving up for weeks. He told me the price would all be worth it.
What he said next really confused me. He said that he wanted to take me to the air docking ports after we’re done eating. I asked him why and he said that the view was so amazing you could even see Canterlot from all the way up there. He sounded so sure I had to agree.
I asked Lightning about it and she said that I shouldn’t go. Apparently her dad used to work there and got injured during one of the transfers. I told her that everything was going to be fine. No matter what I said, though, she kept on telling me it was too dangerous. How could it be “too dangerous?” All we’ll be doing is flying up to one of the crates and watching the view! I told her this, yet she didn’t even budge. By this point I was getting kinda mad. What right did she have to tell me not to go with my very special somepony on a date? We were arguing for several minutes before it finally dawned on me. It all suddenly made since now, the stares, her avoiding us. She loved Thunder! Lightning denied it, but anypony could tell it was true.
How could she do this? We’re best friends! And she knows very well what I’ve been through. For the first time when a colt likes me for myself and not because of my dad, she has to come on and try to take him for herself! Well it doesn’t matter. I’m going to the docks tonight, and nothing is going to happen. Neither Lightning nor my parents are going to prove me wrong. They can all go fall off Cloudsdale for all I care.
February ?, age 10
Heeeellllloooooooooo Mister Diary! How are you doing today? I haven’t talked with you in suuuuuuuch a looooooong time. How’s it going? Are you lonely? What about your family? Oh silly me, you don’t have a family! Unless you want me to be your family. I can be like your big sister! Or your mommy! Which would you like better? I’ll be your mommy. But if you’re going to be my son, you need a name. What about Roger? Do you like that name? Yay! I’ll from now on call you Roger.
I suppose you want to know what’s happened since I last wrote in here. WEELLLLLLLLL for starters I went out with Thunder. He’s such a great colt! I don’t know how I ever met him. Oh that’s right! He fell and broke his wing! How long ago was that? The people here won’t tell me what day it is, only that it is still February. That’s all right, though. Who needs the date? The only reason the date is good is if you’re late for something. Oh I just realized that that rhymed! Late…date…Late for a date! It’s never good to hate or skate, especially on a gate! Why would someone deflate on a crate? Whoa. That was weird. One moment I’m sitting here rhyming and the next I’m crying! I don’t get it, why am I sad? Was it something I said? I don’t like being sad. But for some reason, it seems everypony around here is sad! What did I do?
Yesterday my parents came to see me. They were both sad too! They walked in and came and sat on the edge of my bed and we just talked for an hour. I thought they were going to say something mean to me, or Daddy was going to stick me in the reform program again, but they didn’t say anything like that. In fact, they all wondered if I was all right. I told them I was perfect. They just got this look on their face and got even sadder! What did I say? Why do I keep making everypony so sad? I’m trying to make them happy. I talk to all of them and see how their day has been, and all of them just get all dark and trot away. Maybe I just need to stop talking to ponies…But then, who else would make them happy?
The ones here who don’t get all depressed are really cool ponies! There’s Dr. Pulmo Nary. He comes in every morning to get me breakfast and play games with me for an hour. The first one we play is what I call find-em-all where you have to find the matching pairs in the pile of facedown cards. I thought it would be easy, but it’s really hard! It took me nearly twenty minutes the first time I played. Every time I can’t get it, he helps me out. He’s so nice!
The only thing that bugs me about this place is they won’t let me talk to Thunder Clap. I ask them everyday and all they say is “I’m sorry Ditzy…He’s not here.” This is another one of the things that makes them all sad. I don’t know why it makes them sad. He’s probably just sick. Plus, we’re in a hospital, why can’t they just make him better. They say they can’t.
I don’t know why, but at night I always feel so alone. I know I’m not. There are doctors and nurses right outside my door. But why won’t they tell me anything? I’ve asked and asked and asked, but all they say is “I’m sorry.” What for?
March 5, age 11
Roger…Can you help me? I’m so confused. Why doesn’t anything make sense anymore? Yesterday Dr. Pulmo Nary came into my room with his newspaper, like he always does. We played together for a while when he said that he had to go to the restroom. When he was gone I kept on trying to win the game, which I did. But for some reason I decided to look at his newspaper. There wasn’t anything interesting in the stories, but something was wrong with the date. It said that it was March 5, but the year was one ahead! I thought it was funny! The newspaper company had messed up. But when Dr. Pulmo came back, he didn’t think it was funny. He came in and stole the newspaper right out of my hooves. I asked him what was wrong, but he just sat there yelling at me. Why was he so mad? Did his family own the newspaper company? But then he wasn’t mad anymore. He just sat down in the chair away from my bed and stared down at the floor.
What did I do? I apologized over and over again, but he just ignored me. When I tried to stand up for the first time in at lest a week, I felt suddenly week and fell to the floor. Dr. Pulmo helped me up and sat me in the chair next to him.
This is where things got really confusing. He said that I had been asleep. Of course I’ve been asleep! I just woke up thirty minutes ago! But then he just hushed me and kept talking. He told me that I’ve been asleep for a year. This really confused me. It made me really mad too! How could I have been asleep for a year? Nopony can do that! But he told me that I’ve been in a comb for a really long time. When I told him that he was just talking crazy he started to cry. What happened? I tried to apologize, but he wouldn’t listen. I felt really bad, I hate making happy ponies cry! Especially Dr. Pulmo. He told me I didn’t do anything, but I think he’s lying. I’ll find some way to fix it.
March 10, age 11
Dr. Pulmo doesn’t visit me in the morning anymore. In fact, I haven’t seen him at all since that one day he started crying. Now there’s nopony who isn’t depressed. Even I’m starting to feel sad. I can’t help it! But no, I must be strong. If I won’t be happy, who will? So I will do my best and remain cheerful for everypony.
Oh I should stop being so sad in my diary. You don’t like it when I’m sad, Roger. I should be happy in here! So let’s see…what’s something that’s happy? Oh I know! I’ve been allowed to walk around the hospital in the mornings with a nurse! They came in and told me that they needed to run some tests so they had me stand up and sit down a few times. It was more difficult than I thought. I guess I’ve been laying down for such a long time that I’ve gotten out of shape. Which reminds me, I need to get back to flight school! I haven’t trained in forever! Oh that stupid Misty is going to be so much better than me.
I tried to fly, but I found I couldn’t even get off the ground. I hadn’t realized how far behind my training had got. I looked at my back and sure enough, there was barely any muscle on my wings! How had I lost so much muscle in the time I’d been here? That shouldn’t have been right. It couldn’t have been right! I asked the nurse about it and she said it was natural for comb patients to not be able to fly for a bit. What is this stupid “comb” everypony has been talking about? It must be a pretty darn good comb if every pony in the entire hospital knows about it. I can’t think about it for too long or else my head starts to hurt.
March 21, age 11
Roger…I understand…Everything…Why they call me a coma patient, why I’m so weak, but mostly why they won’t let me see Thunder Clap. Dear Celestia…Why? Why did this happen? Why did I get a year taken from my life? Why is Thunder Clap… I don’t know what to do. Nothing seems important anymore. Nothing seems to matter. I can’t go on like this. Not knowing how it happened, or why it happened. I just…can’t…
The ponies at the hospital let me go back home, yesterday, so I can be with my family again. I thought that being put back into my real home would have cheered me up, but when I walked into my room and found my belongings packed in boxes under a thick layer of dust, I couldn’t take it. I ran to my bathroom and I finally got a look at myself.
I was horrible. My mane was tangled and bunched in little tight balls, my coat was severely unwashed, but my eyes were the worst. They were what did it. I stared into the mirror and a completely different, stupid mare stared back. I closed my eyes and cried for an hour. It was a silent cry like I used to do a year ago. Not because I didn’t think my parents wouldn’t care, but because I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want anypony looking at what I’d become. I lay there curled in a ball slowly rocking back and forth wishing everything was all right. Nothing was.
Things flashed through my head, relentlessly attacking me with every mental image it could throw at me. Memories, questions, and all the things I never got to do while I was asleep. No…nothing was all right.
April 1, age 11
Hey there Roger! It’s Ditzy again. I just wanted to give you some great news! I’m going back to school tomorrow! Yay! I can’t wait to see all of my friends again. I haven’t talked with Lighting Chaser in more than a year and I can’t wait to finally catch up with her. I’m sure she can’t wait either. We’ll go back to being best friends and maybe everything will finally be happy again. The only thing I’m not looking forward to is having to put up with Misty and her two friends again. Who knows? Maybe they’ve changed in the year I’ve been gone. Maybe they’ve grown up a little. I hope so. I don’t think I can be expected to show up there everyday with them bullying me.
Also, I’ve been working on trying to fly again. It was hard work, but I eventually got back in the air. For some reason, I can’t seem to fly straight or even stay in the air for a long time. I should be all right, though. I hope so, at least.
April 2, age 11
Yay! I’m so happy today! For the first time, I got to talk with Lighting! It was great! She seemed so confused at first, angry too. I figured that was going to happen, so I just sat there and explained. She got that sad look on her face, but then gave a small smile and hugged me. It was the best thing I’ve felt in a year.
It’s hard to explain what happened next, because when I think about it too hard I get a headache. Misty had walked been walking behind us and called out to Lightning. She turned and smiled back at the mayor’s daughter. She and Misty were…friends? How did this happen? Initially I felt betrayed. I felt that she had gone behind my back. Her and I used to make fun of them all the time together. We hated them! Why were they acting like best friends?
Misty had an almost identical reaction to Misty, but when she tried to give me a hug I backed away. There’s no way I was going to let her touch me. I got mad and walked away. When I was far enough away I sat down. Unfortunately, Lightning followed me. She explained to me that after I suddenly disappeared Misty had changed. I didn’t believe her. There’s no way that could change. But Lighting is my friend. I’ll put up with Mist Catcher for now.
April 20, age 11
Things have been weird these past few weeks. I don’t know why, but nothing seems right. No matter what I do, I feel out of place. I’m getting more stares than I ever did, but I guess that was always going to happen. Lightning has been acting weird too. One moment she’ll be all nice then the next it seems like she’s completely avoiding me. She’s always hanging out with that stupid Misty. I’ve made up my mind. Misty hasn’t changed. She’s still that bully I always knew, and she always will be. There’s nothing that will change that.
I’m finding that nowadays the things that would have made me sad in the past now just make me mad – no, furious. Instead of feeling depressed when I think of Thunder, I get angry. Why isn’t he here anymore? He abandoned me, didn’t he? Why was he so stupid that he ignored the dangers that were at the docking ports and went on anyways? I have to stop myself there because I know that I was that stupid too. I agreed to it and now here I am. No matter what I think of, it all comes back to everything being my fault. Maybe it is all my fault.
May 6, age 11
I said I was done crying. I told myself I would never drop another tear as long as I lived. So why, Roger, am I laying down on my bed wishing I were dead? Why, Roger, has everypony that said that they were my friend left me? I thought I was loved. I thought maybe, just maybe, I could feel normal again. I was right in thinking that Thunder abandoned me, my only regret is not going with him.
It was during our morning flight classes when we were given a ten minute break to go get some water and relax for a second. I had gone over to the fountain next to Lighting (who was by herself). We started talking, but I could tell something was wrong. The entire time, she never made eye contact and refused to give me anything more than a one-word answer. She was about to say something when I heard the voice of Misty yelling at her from a few meters away.
She asked why she was talking with the retard: me. Lightning didn’t say anything; instead she just looked at the ground. I didn’t know what that meant, but it made me mad. Misty ignored whatever I said and continued to ask my friend if she preferred me to them. I thought that Lightning would have said something here, but nothing escaped her mouth except short jagged breaths. I was about ready to beat her up again when Misty told my best friend to go over to her. Why did she do it? There was something about that that killed me on the inside. It hurt worse than the jeers of “Derpy Derpy Ditzy! Derpy Derpy Ditzy!” that followed. It hurt worse than finding out the truth in the hospital. It hurt because I knew, for the first time, I was truly alone. I fell into another ball at their feet as they circled around me screaming at me. “Derpy Derpy Ditzy! Derpy Derpy Ditzy!” Over and over again. “Derpy Derpy Ditzy!” It would never stop. I can’t get it out of my head. But how can you get your true name out of your head? You can’t, because that is you. Just like Derpy is me. I am Derpy, forever and always.
May 27, age 11
I’ve made up my mind. There’s no use for me here in Cloudsdale. I’m only a bother and a source of laughter to bullies. I might not be the smartest mare in the world anymore, but I sure as hay know when I’m not wanted. Tomorrow I’m flying down from Cloudsdale. I don’t know where I’ll go, but it doesn’t matter. I won’t be missed.
There’s nothing that I want to bring. All of my belongings are gifts from the ponies I want to get away from. Nothing, except you Roger. You might be the only thing I’ll bring with me. After all we’ve been through, I can’t stand the thought of leaving you behind. It’s funny, really. Back when I first got you, I wanted to throw you off the edge and be done with you. And now, we’ll both be going together. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll come back. Maybe then I’ll be better, I’ll be normal. Until then, I don’t think I’ll be back. Goodbye Cloudsdale. I’ll miss you.
May 15, age 12
When I came to Ponyville a year ago, I had no idea who I was. I was a young, scared filly who had taken a nasty fall and forgotten. When I woke my mind was completely empty, save for one word: Derpy. I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t know where it came from. I had no idea who I was. After walking in the woods today I stumbled across the spot where I landed all those months ago and discovered this book, which had been lying under the dirt for a year. I now know who I am.
I’ve read this diary five times now, and every time it’s the same. All these names with no faces, all these events with no dates. Why can’t I remember? The part about Thunder Clap kills me the most. I must have truly loved him. And yet, this name means absolutely nothing to me. Lightning Chaser, Mist Catcher, Golden Secret, Ebony. Who are these ponies?
For all I know, this book is a lie. I hope it is. I hope that my life was better than this. If it isn’t though…
My life is good now. I live in Ponyville as the town’s mailmare and I have many friends here. They like me for who I am, and I like them. They know I’m different; it’s easy to tell. But they don’t even judge me for that. I don't remember how I got this cutie mark, or even what it means, but it doesn't matter. I don’t think I’ll be writing in this diary again. If I really am Ditzy Doo, the poor mare in this tragedy, I want whoever reads this to know that I am not her anymore. I am Derpy, forever and always.
