I adjust my tie one last time in the mirror and flick a piece of lint off of my jacket. My assistant stands in the doorway of my dressing room impatiently – she’s always standing impatiently. I stand up carefully from the vanity mirror and flash her a smile. She rolls her eyes, somehow immune to my charms. Maybe that it what makes her such a good assistant.
I catch myself in the full-length mirror on the way out of the dressing room. I am charming, handsome, and just the slightest bit excited. I love the rush of adrenaline right before I get on stage and the cameras start rolling.
I follow my assistant down the hallway to the set. We brush by a group of very star-struck interns and I wink at them, imagining all of the hyperbolic stories they will tell their families tonight.
I wait behind the curtains for my cue, my assistant mumbling instructions that will already be on the teleprompter. I don’t miss my cues and I don’t flub my lines. She should know this by now.
The on-air light comes on and I strut out onto the stage to roaring applause. I am just the host, the mouthpiece for the writers, the network. But it is still all about me. I stop halfway, beaming to the audience and catch my assistant making impatient shooing motions at me and tapping her watch. “Get on with it! We have a show to do!” I can hear her thinking at me. Silly filly, I am the show.
I sit casually by the table that holds a pitcher of water and two cups. The producers wanted plush-looking chairs, but that would require me to jump onto them, and I don’t do that. I don’t subject my guests to the indignity of leaping into a chair.
The teleprompter has my introduction lines, which are frozen, waiting for the applause to die down. Camera three is active, but I don’t look at it. I look at the audience and turn so it gets my good, nonchalant side.
The applause dies down. “Thank you, thank you.” I say. “Welcome to the The Daily Oat, and I am your host, Brilliant Star.” More applause as I feign slight embarrassment at all the attention.
“And today-” I start, before more applause kicks in. “Now, now. Hold your horses.” I joke, and the audience laughs, but they quiet down. “And today, you’re in for a real treat as we have a very special show planned for you today. We have with us a mare of incredible distinction, a star in both television and film. She has a new movie coming out this summer, “The Last Riders of Canterlot”, please welcome…” I pause to build the suspense, but everypony watching already knows who I’m talking about.
“…Miss Pinkamina Diane Pie!”
The audience goes wild as she appears from the other end of the stage wearing a tastefully revealing grey shrug. She is incredibly beautiful and poised, even when she stops to wave at the audience in very real appreciation.
I stand up and give her a welcoming hug. Her hair smells like strawberries. She sits down gracefully beside the table.
A rogue audience member shouts “Woooo! Pinkie, yeah!” and she smiles genuinely at him and waves. It is no longer all about me.
“So, Miss Pie-”
“Oh, call me Pinkie.”
“Pinkie,” I say, smiling at her. “Thank you so much for joining us today.”
“It’s my pleasure.”
“So, tell us about your new movie.”
“Well, it’s called ‘The Last Riders of Canterlot’ and it’s a retelling of the classic story. There’s an evil shipyard owner who keeps all her workers as slaves, until a group of them rise up against her, using the original story of ‘The Last Riders of Canterlot’ as their rallying point. I play Glitter, Buck’s girlfriend – who is played by Flashworks, who is absolutely amazing, by the way.”
“What was it like working with screen-legend Crystal Treasure?”
“She plays the shipyard owner, Siren’s Waters, in the film, and was wonderful. She was like a big sister to all of us on set, always helping us go over lines and giving us advice. The last day of filming, she gave all of us these flowers – even the crew. And it wasn’t that they were expensive or gaudy or anything, but they all had written notes thanking us personally.”
“So, in the movie, you play a pegasus, what was that like?”
“It’s always awkward when you have to play a different race. Pegasi have different mannerisms, different way of doing things. So I was always having to think: am I playing this like a pegasus, or like an earth pony with wings? And the flying! They had to rig me up in this harness and I just could not get the hang of it. I’m surprised that we ever got good shots. There’s this one scene where I’m supposed to jump off this building and land in front of Creampie, played by Star Dancer. It ended up being about ten seconds of film time, but it took two days of shooting. I kept getting my hair caught in the wires!”
“A lot of people have been asking, and I’m sure you’ve heard: Why didn’t they choose to cast a pegasus in your role?”
“I don’t do the casting, and I was incredibly lucky that they wanted me on the project at all. I was absolutely honored to play Glitter.” She leaned over and sipped out of her glass of water. Of course she avoided the question. She knew as well as I did that it was all politics anyway.
The words “Cut to commercial” scroll up on the teleprompter.
“We have to go to commercial, but we will be right back with more of Miss Pinkie!” The audience cheers and my producer signals that we are off-air.
Pinkie’s makeup crew comes out to touch up her face. A few brave ponies rush down to get hoofprints from the two of us, but security holds them back.
My assistant tells me things I already know until the producer signals that we are back on the air in 30 seconds.
Pinkie shakes off uncharacteristic nervousness and smiles at me. The dazzling starlet and the charming talk show host. What a wonderful, media-friendly romance that would be.
- 4. 3. 2. 1.
“And we are back with the lovely Miss Pinkamina Diane Pie!” I say, and the audience cheers.
“So Pinkie, let’s talk about ‘My Little Pony’,” the audience cheers wildly and I talk over them. “Can we do that?”
“Of course we can talk about ‘My Little Pony’.” She smiles at me, then the audience. It’s the kind of smile that lights up a room.
I wait for the cheering to die down before continuing.
“It’s been what, three, four years since it ended?”
She thinks for a moment, putting a hoof delicately to her chin. “I think it’s been four years, yes. Wow.”
“So tell us about the cast, do you still keep in touch?”
“I talk to Amethyst, who played Twilight Sparkle, almost every day. She, of course, got into the writing and producing side of television and has worked on ‘The Gryphon Who Said “No”’, and ‘Pony Justice’, and is working on a new show, that you may have heard of, called ‘Return to Everfree’. Um, and I still keep in touch with Rainbow Dash, although she has a very full schedule, as well, modeling for Winter’s Secret **and launching her new clothing line.”
“What about Butterfly Kisses – Fluttershy - and Rarity?”
“I haven’t talked much with either of them since the show ended. Rarity does a lot of charity work, I know. She was married to Spike for a while, although I think the way they played up the relationship in the show might have strained their marriage a little. They would play sweet romantics on set, then have the most vicious fights off set. I’ve heard they’re much happier apart and they are friends now. Butterfly Kisses I think has a couple of kids now.”
“Do you mind if we talk about Applejack’s tell-all book?”
She gives me a look that says “Yes, I mind a lot.”
“Applejack has always been an attention mule, and I don’t care if she hears me say it.”
The audience applauds. They love when beautiful celebrities trash-talk each other.
“Her book is nothing but lies. Berry Punch did not have a drinkin problem, Amethyst and Rarity never had a steamy romance, and the director would not go off on anti-dragon rants. She’s just angry that her career is over and is trying to get 15 more minutes.”
“So you’ve read her book?” I prod her. This was a golden opportunity.
“Yes. I have read her book. And you know what? I kind of feel bad for her. When I showed up on set the first day, I was so excited to work with her. She was on ‘Everypony Stories’ and I **loved that show. She was my idol. The first thing she says to me when I see her is ‘Quit staring and go get me a drink, you useless filly.’ It’s like, her entire life was wrapped up in being a star that she never thought that she had to bother with other people.”
“Let’s move on, and talk about the show itself. Were you prepared for the success?”
“Not at all.” She emphasizes this by spreading her hooves and laughing once. “’My Little Pony’ was my first television show. I’d been in school plays, but I was totally unprepared for not just the work load, but the recognition. I got my hair curled every day for that show and had a fake cutie mark and still I would get recognized on the street. I used to spend my days off holed up in my apartment worrying that, if I went out, someone would recognize me. Most of the fans were super nice, but after Rarity got that stalker, you just worry, you know?”
And we cut to commercial again.
“I’m sorry about the Applejack question.” I say.
“They told me earlier that you were going to ask. At least it’s out of the way.” She says, smiling and trying to mask her discomfort.
And we are back.
“So,” I turn to her in mock seriousness, “you know, I have to ask: what about ‘Cupcakes’?”
She rolls her eyes. She’s been asked a million times before.
“Let me set the record straight once and for all: there is no ‘Cupcakes’ episode. There never was.”
“For those of you who don’t know, ‘Cupcakes’ was supposedly an episode where Pinkie Pie goes crazy and brutally tortures and murders Rainbow Dash.” I clarified.
“People have also said that several crew members killed themselves after that episode, or that we actually murdered one of the stunt ponies. But no. It never happened.”
“How did the rumor come about?”
“Really, I think it started with Amethyst joking with me about a dream she had about me. In the dream I said something crazy like “oh, if we don’t kill Rainbow Dash then we don’t get any cupcakes”. It became kind of an in-joke. The writers got into it, seeing what they could get past Hasbro and the producers. So they’d have Pinkie say something like ‘Oh look a new friend! I’d love to make cupcakes from you!’ and then Twilight would correct her ‘It’s for, Pinkie, not from.’”
The audience laughs at this, and Pinkie joins in. It was effortless and magical the way she slipped back into a character she hasn’t done in years.
“It was a release of frustration, in a way.” She continues. “We were all wanting to do something a little darker and more real with the show after the first two seasons, but Hasbro would not have it. It wasn’t until we did that one episode about Spike’s grandfather that they allowed us to tackle more serious subjects.”
“The show ran for eight seasons, what was it like essentially growing up on set?”
“After a while, you know, you get into the routine of things, so you don’t really notice how ponies change. It wasn’t until Scootaloo came in one morning announcing that she had gotten her cutie mark that it really set in how different we all were from when we started. We were still playing the characters like they’d never aged a day, and here Scootaloo – and the rest of the fillies on the show – were growing up and still pretending that they were little fillies. So, really, it was a unique experience.”
My producer is giving me the signal that we’re running over time. I’m disappointed that she has to leave so soon.
“I am terribly sorry, Miss Pinkie, but we are out of time. It was a pleasure to talk to you.”
“And you as well.” She gives me one of those dazzling smiles.
“Thank you all for joining us and remember to go see Miss Pinkamina’s new movie: The Last Riders of Canterlot, in theaters this Friday.”
I stand up as the audience cheers and motion for Pinkie to do the same. She waves at the crowd. My producer signals that we are done as my assistant rushes out from off stage.
“So, Miss Pinkie, would you care to go for a drink?” I ask.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Star. I have a plane to catch. But thank you so much for the offer.” Her makeup artist is handing her a bag that she slips neatly over her head. “I would love to come back and do your show again and take you up on that drink. Next time I’m in town.”
She hurries off stage, another beautiful filly walking out of my life.
But that’s okay, I remind myself. I still have the hordes of adoring fans.
