Riding the Equestrian Saddle

by Psycho2cool

Rating: mature
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Human
Length: 8165

Based on a true story. What if a girl with a horse fetish appeared in Equestria?

Based on a true story.

This is a fun little story about a very nice young woman who just kind of ends up in Equestria.

Don't take this too seriously. I don't.

Published 2013-04-29 23:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-27 07:54:25 UTC

Prelude

Prelude

We start this little story in some unimportant suburb in Any City, USA. We do this because I’m a lazy author. In a small upstairs room in a rather large house in a particularly bland cul-de-sac sits a girl at her computer desk masturbating to porn. Yeah.

Her name is Lily. Lily is a short eighteen year old girl of Asian-American ethnicity still living with her parents during the summer before college. She has a cute and tastefully round face that she keeps adorned with a pair of glasses. She’s filled out nicely and is healthily thin. Alright. With her description out of the way, let’s get to what she’s doing and explain why it’s important.

Yes, she is pleasuring herself. Not unhealthy. Most people do this, right?

Lily has a particular fetish for horses. When she was old enough to start taking notice of ‘birds and bee’s’ style things, she found she never got to interested in boys or girls. See, years ago she grew up in a more southern state where her family lived in a house next to a ranch that kept horses. Specifically, the ranch bred horses. Being an open ranch, Lilly had plenty to see and, well, it left an impression.

So now here she is, indulging in her personal playtime to a video of horsy on horsy action and playfully imagining she is that lucky mare.

Now, Lily knows nothing of the brony community. She’s never seen and episode of the revered show that they worship. She doesn’t use her computer for much more than studying (Yay for stereotyping!) and her, uh, hobby. She also doesn’t reach out to other ‘horse lovers’. After all, she’s an otherwise normal girl that has convinced herself she will never dress up in horse-like BDSM gear and neigh while some guy calls her a silly ‘horse’ name. Never. Hell, she hasn’t updated her Facebook in like, five months. What’s up with that?

Anyway, this is important because she’s never been exposed to MLP or the universe in which the magical land of Equestria exists. I think that maybe, maybe, she would be a clopper, were she a brony.

Welp, let’s send her off to Pony-Land.

In all seriousness, the author (me) creating the dramatic re-telling of this story doesn’t truly know what sent her on a one way trip to Equestria or why. All I know is that it happened and I can profit, kind of, off rehashing Lilys story and will strive to respect the human by being as true to life as it was for her without actually being there.

Lily had just finished her business and slipped on her underwear, black ‘Hello Kitty’ panties with pink lace. She wore a matching tank-top with the Kitty right between her breasts. Seems kind of old for Hello Kitty but whatever. Just sleep clothes. She turned off the computer, leaned back, and stared absently around her room.

The plain white walls were covered in various horse related pictures. Her parents thought it a more healthy interest than it actually was, so Lily always had stallion to fawn over as long as she were in her room. Also in the room was a small wooden bookshelf filled with various fictions, text books, and horse related anatomy and breeding books, pamphlets, and brochures. If it had anything to do with horses, she would stuff it away to read later. She also had the computer desk with plenty of writing space and her bed. Neat, clean, and organized as her parents always made her keep her room.

She stood and stretched out then reached over to her small bottle of hand sanitizer she kept next to the computer to get rid of the, uh, you know… smell of her previous activities from her hands. All clean, Lily turned with a yawn and began toward her bed. Though it was still early in the evening on a Friday night, she didn’t have much else to do. It didn’t help much that she didn’t have many friends and none of the ones she had were up to anything, so why not sleep?

It’s so odd. Most lonely people indulge in over eating or taking up a hobby or something active. Lily just goes to sleep when she’s insanely bored. She naps periodically throughout the summer days and still gets eight to ten every night. I don’t know if there is a medical condition for sleeping so much, but if there is, Lily has it.

The girl had almost made it to her bed when she was struck with an insane feeling of vertigo. Unwilling to take a step further, she sat down on the floor and tried to keep herself steady. A sudden high-pitched ringing noise started to assault her ear-drums. Lily raised her palms to her ears but it did little to lessen the ringing.

From outside her perspective, the house began to rumble violently as if by an earthquake. The rest of Lilys family could do little but try not to fall out of bed or lay on the floor as anything that wasn’t nailed to a wall was flung off onto the floor. Some windows cracked and broke under the constant shaking. Electronic appliances started to turn on and break out with sudden bursts of energy. Light bulbs burst, the toaster started spewing electric sparks and the TV fizzed up before exploding.

Lily was now laying on the floor screaming hysterically, wishing that whatever was going on would stop. The ringing noise only grew louder and the vertigo only worsened. Had she had her eyes open she would've noticed that a small area around her began to glow white in a sphere. Just when she was beginning to think she couldn't handle any more, it all just stopped. Well, for her anyway.

To the rest of the house, and, consequently, the cul-de-sac, the rumbling stopped as soon as a boom akin to
a thunder-clap and just as loud exploded from the area Lily was. A fairly large chunk of the house had been utterly obliterated. An entire confused suburban community woke from their slumber and ran outside to see what had happened. They saw two thirds of a house and Lily’s deafened family already desperately searching the wreckage for her.

Lily, however, was slowly trying to gather her bearing as she found herself in a shallow crater that was, apparently, in someone’s front lawn. Her head was dazed and swimming around in thoughts that had convinced her she was dreaming.

As if to reaffirm this, she was suddenly confronted by an all red horse that seemed to be yelling at her. Everything it was saying was muffled. She couldn’t seem to hear all that well at the moment. But then again, did anything said in her dreams really have sound?

Figuring this to be one of her more lucid sexual dreams, she took off her shirt and raised her arms to the horse, thinking to herself that usually the stallions she dreamed about were much bigger. This caused the talking animal to stop and stare at her. Its face seemed to emote far differently from a normal horse too. It gave her a look of mixed confusion and fear.

The pair looked at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time before Lily broke the silence.

“Well, I’m not gonna wait all day! I want go all the way before I wake up.”

-END-

Author's Note

Phew. Failed moderation. Alright.

The thing by which I agree that I should have failed moderation has been fixed. It was a gross oversight on my part.

The thing that I don't agree with that took apparent precedence over the thing I muffed up on has also been fixed. So, even though I believe this should be a teen rated story, a mod doesn't so it won't be. To settle some would-be confusion on what the matter; this is not a clop-fic. There will be no graphic sexual descriptions at all. Lots of themes, innuendo, inyurendo, and out-right lewd language but I won't give you anything to masturbate to. Unless you have a vivid imagination. In which case, go ahead! Have fun.

Hopefully, da Moderator pearson will see this and let me take it down to a teen rating.

1: A Person, I Guess

A Human in Equestria? Like That’d Ever Happen

Malign sat his reading glasses down on his writing desk and rubbed his temple with a hoof. He’d given himself another headache. He was sure this one was not work related. This was more than likely false as he’d been filing and filling out paperwork throughout most the day and far into the night but he wouldn’t blame this new headache on his bad habit. No, he would blame this headache on a memory that plagued his mind. The memory was created only earlier that day… or yesterday. Whatever time it was.

This most recent memory was the most recent in a string of such that ate at him. Even his work and a string quintet softly playing soothing music from the speaker of his record player couldn’t take his mind away from his irritating thoughts of earlier that day or yesterday.

Malign sat back in his chair and closed his eyes. He let the incident go through his mind again.

He’d been enjoying a peaceful and uneventful walk heading back home after grocery shopping and, as peaceful and uneventful walks tend to be, it was boring as all hell.

Malign had primed himself fairly nice for a day out. Even if all he was doing were errands and chores he was going to look his best. His maroon coat was brushed out nicely, his matching mane was slicked back stylishly, and he wore his favorite hat which was a shade of brown that complimented his color. Looking good and feeling adequate, he was heading on his way back home trailing a cart of groceries.

Most ponies avoided him on the street. They would go about their day and seemingly go out of their way to act as if he weren’t there. Malign had developed a bit of a history of being a ‘hard-ass landlord’ in Ponyville and this spread out amongst others who were not even his tenants. These were actually a near minority as he owned and lease a significant amount of residential housing. And he was a bit of a hard-ass about it.

He would do things like leave ‘friendly’ reminders on the day his tenants were late with rent. These letters always included the exact date by which he’d be forced to give them a two week notice of eviction. Basically, he was letting them know they a month and a half to pay up or get out. Asshole.

Malign would also make sure to check each and every residence personally to make sure they kept the properties up to spec. If a pony didn’t keep the lawn in order or damaged the household extensively they’d get another ‘friendly’ threat or outright be kicked to the curb after a weeks’ notice. The thing that seemed to get to tenants the most though, was the contracts. Malign enforced the contracts like law and not every breach of contract was evection. Letting a friend live there for too long was risking Malign finding out and raising rent and a threat of a different contract that made that change permanent.

These things and more made the maroon landlord disliked at minimum by his tenants. Some exacerbated stories about his dealings with his tenants made most of the town leave him alone at every chance. Like now, for instance. Walking down the street with a boredom induced look of apathy heavily adorning his face. Ponyville was a good natured town filled with tolerating townsfolk. But… when they don’t like somepony, that pony knows. This is what makes this particular incident weigh heavy in his mind.

Malign was trotting down the street and glancing at the happily chatty and openly friendly ponies enjoying company others while going about their daily routines. Not a one gave him notice, let alone a wave or ‘how do ya do’. He began to let out a sigh when his legs became tangled up with an object that rushed between his legs. Although Malign tripped up, he didn’t fall over. The contents of his grocery cart, however, tumbled mostly into the dirt path.

Letting out an irritated groan, the now disheveled stallion looked back to find the cause of his tripping. What he found was a filly. She could not have been older than four and was doing those motions children do when they’ve actually been hurt and appear to be gathering the energy necessary to wail at the top of their lungs. Malign steeled himself for the onslaught and began to think of things to say to calm the child before she became unbearable. The filly wasn’t given a chance to cry nor was the stallion given a chance to check the girls’ health.

The apparent mother of the foal rushed over and took a protective stance over her child. Malign recognized her as Sweet Spot, a perky mare earth pony with a talent for candy and a tenant. She looked at Malign with fear rather than the rage of a mother as one would expect. She just looked at him for some very uncomfortable moments. As the landlord opened his mouth to apologize, Sweet Spot burst out with her own rambling apology.

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Malign, she just got away from me for a minute and I tried to stop her, really I did, but kids will be kids and she’s only three and… and… I’m sorry!” And with that, she turned heel and fled down the street away from her landlord. By the look on her face any passerby would’ve thought Malign was going to beat her for her child’s accident. In fact, as he looked about the many spectators of the event, many faces bore a disgusted look that said just that.

“This just ridiculous!” he yelled as he gathered up his cart. Keeping his eyes locked forward to avoid eye contact with anypony, Malign stormed home.

And now here he sat in his small, windowless study, massaging his temples in a vain attempt to curb his growing headache.

Figuring that the music wasn’t helping, he stood and moved to the far side of the room to turn off his record player.

“And I was having such an alright day,” he spoke creepily to himself, “until that brat and her mother had to ruin it.” Geeze, prick.

It was just then, wait. Now it was just then that the house began to shake noticeably. The earthquake was unexpected but not to dramatic or damaging. Nothing fell over or broke but some picture frames would undoubtedly be tilted askew. Now that was headache.

As soon as the motions stopped Malign left his study with every intention of going to bed. It was far too early in the morning to worry about inconsequential earthquakes. He was making his way down the hall to his chambers when his ears were assaulted with another strange occurrence; a thunderous explosion. Malign dropped to the floor and covered his ears in surprise as the house raddled a shorter second time.

The explosion definitely came from just outside his house. In a panic, the pony rushed out to investigate.

Malign lived on the outskirts of town, secluded enough from neighbors so that he barely saw them but close enough to annoy him whenever the rare chance arrived. So, there were no other ponies about to see the scene he was presented with. Right in his front lawn was a perfectly round crater. No debris or anything one would expect from an explosion. It was like a part of the lawn was just removed.

Malign hesitantly approached the edge of the strange crater to look about it. He felt woefully unease about the thing and even more so as he approached. However, the feeling left when his eyes fell upon a, uh, thing in the pit.

Now, you and I would know it to be a young woman. Malign however, would see it was some weird minotaur-like alien sitting crossed legged lazily looking around with a confused expression behind it’s squinty eyes and oval glasses.

The pony may have felt a fleeting pang of curiosity but it was almost immediately replaced with outrage at the thing in the crater. The clumsy thing had destroyed his lawn and he wasn’t going to have any of that without a stern tongue lashing. Alien invaders be damned.

“What the fuck are you? You know what!? I don’t care! You’re going to fix my damn lawn even if I have to work you myself! You hear me you hairless monkey alien freak! Don’t just fucking look at me! Say something!”

In response, the creature lifted off a piece of its clothing over its head and discarded it into the dirt as if it were some kind of burden. It then lifted its arms toward Malign and gave him a warm, content smile. To this, Malign had no idea what was happening. Was it some kind of spirit or god offering him some kind of spectacular fate? An alien attempting to breach the language barrier with body language? Perhaps it was a magically misplaced savage from an unknown race that was now confusing him with some kind of god it worshipped?

While he pondered, the thing became impatient. It’s face contorted from its loving smile to an annoyed frown.

“Well, I’m not gonna wait all day! I want go all the way before I wake up.”

First thought in Maligns head was followed by ‘No… that’s just… eww.’ He hoped it meant something else, anything else. Perhaps an actual destination?

“Where… do you want me to take you?” Oh crap! Worded far too wrong! It’ll make a perverted rema-

“Here, anywhere. It’s doesn’t matter. I just want it now.” Oh good great Celestia. This is bad. Let’s continue to hold on to false hope and ask another stupid question.

“Uh, what is it you want… exactly?”

The creature exhaled heavily, obviously annoyed. Snatching up its clothing as it stood, it spoke; “I need you to fuck me. Please don’t beat around the bush, I prefer I not wake up before we’ve even had a chance to start.” It began to make its way out of the hole with uneven steps. Malign took note of the things size. Though not bulky, it certainly dwarfed the pony.

Oh my… It’s going to rape me, he thought. Wait… it thinks it’s asleep? If I can convince it it’s awake, maybe it’ll stop. With plan in mind, Malign spoke.

“Uh, you know what? I don’t think that you’re sleeping and, uh, I’m, uh… Fuck.” What a silver tongue you have there.

“That’s right,” it was almost out of the hole, “I want this to be a real as possible.”

Malign began to back away. Panic sank in as he looked into the beasts eyes. They were overflowing with lust! He tried to speak again but could only stutter. This thing is really going to rape me! I hope it’s female.

Once the thing was out of the hole and towering before him, it bent over and spoke smoothly, “I’m glad you can talk. Much better than an animal with no say in the matter.” It reached out its hand towards the stallion’s face who preceded to jump back and retreat a few steps.

“That’s right! I do have a say and I don’t want to, er, do that with you!”

The creature looked dejected for a moment then quickly perked up. “Whatever, just come ’ere.” it commanded as it began to approach with uneven steps. With that, Malign turned heel and bolted back to the safety of his home. The topless beast took pursuit after a frustrated groan.

Malign beat the thing by a very wide margin. Instead of shutting and barricading the door like a sane pony would, he opted to just stare at the creature. It hadn’t advanced far through the yard in pursuit. In fact, it seemed to barely be able to walk. Getting a broad, more general look of it, the biped seemed tired, pathetic and confused. Definitely confused, I’d say. It kind of wants to alien rape you.

Deep into his musings, Malign didn’t notice that it had closed the gap between them even as he watched it. In a despite attempt to gain a hold on her sexual prey, the alien leapt at the red pony with an outstretched hand. Reacting at the last moment, he slammed the door shut. Right on its left arm.

With a distinct girly wail of pain, it retracted the arm and, for a moment, nothing happened. Malign just stared at the door with an expectation of some inequine feat of strength bursting through the door in the form of the creature in a sex fueled rage. After some more time passed he thought, it… sounded like a mare.

A pang in his chest told him he’d done something wrong. Like most colts, he’d been taught to never hurt a girl, no matter the race or species. Deep in his heart of hearts, Malign knew he’d acted like an idiot in how rashly he’d react- SHE-er-IT TRIED TO RAPE ME!

Fine. The more he thought on the encounter, the more he came to conclude that the confused creature was, in fact, a female. It sounded like a mare, spoke Equestrian like a mare, and um… Was attracted to stallions like a mare? Whatever.

More time passed. Nothing happened. Curiosity eventually overpowered the logical parts of his brain that determined self-preservation and he opened the door to peek about and see why nothing was happening. After all, most beasts thrash out mad when their hurt. Or maybe they run away. Malign didn’t know as he didn’t often deal in beasts.

Eying through a crack in the door he saw nothing. Not hide nor hair of the she-thing. Had he imagined it? Nope. There’s the big ass hole in the lawn. Where was the thing? Malign opened the door further. It seems safe… As the realization struck him that he may have just walked head long into a devilishly devised trap built to play on his manly emotions! he looked to his left and saw the she-thing sitting and clutching ~~it’s~~her injured forearm bent over between her legs. She was sobbing quietly.

She looked over to the pony and babbled out “I’m sorry.” For a long moment, Malign just watched the creature cry while he contemplated what to do. He gave an annoyed sigh as he figured out he was going to do. Thinking that the creature was no longer confused, he might as well check her out and make sure her arm is okay. Cuz, you know, that’s what I’d do after something tries to rape me. Idiot.

As he neared the babbling biped, it shied away from him. It wore a look of confused fear.

“Just let me look at your arm,” he said in a most condescending tone, “As long as you don’t try to jump me, I won’t hurt it.”

With a blush the creature presented Malign her arm. It was bruised and swelling. That probably meant something bad. In fact, he was most sure of that. But he wasn’t a doctor. So…

“You’ll be fine.”

The thingy took back her arm. “You sure? It hurts a lot.”

“How the hell should I know!? I’m not a doctor!” Malign yelled defensively. The biped shrank back at the outburst all teary eyed.

“I’m sorry I asked.”

Following an awkward silence, Malign questioned, “So what were you doing in that hole in my lawn?”

“I don’t know.” Probably the worst reply to give to an impatient pony.

“The fuck do you mean you ‘don’t know’?!”

“I don’t know! I just kinda got here, I guess. I was home and then everything got really loud and I was so scared and I thought it was just a dream and… and…” The creature curled up where she sat and started to bawl.

Malign ran his hoof down his muzzle as he felt his headache return tenfold. Realizing quickly that he wasn’t going to get anywhere this way, he opted for the friendlier alternative.

“Ugh, Perhaps we should discuss this out of the cold and inside with some hot tea?” He tried to give a friendly smile. Tried. Failed. He still looked annoyed.

“I- I don’t really like tea.”

“Just go inside!”

At this outburst, the biped stood and quickly made her way through the open door. She had to duck quite a bit at the portal as it barely reached her diaphragm. Inside, there was just enough room for her to stand. She stood in the center of the room she’d just entered without moving in fear of being yelled at again. This did not, however, stop her from looking about the room. It was very welcome and homely with it’s being warm colored and handsomely furnished. The rooms’ illumination came from electric sconce lightings placed strategically around.

Malign allowed his guest to continue her obvious musings about his house for a small moment before interrupting. “Yeah, it’s a lovely home and all that. Now sit down.” He motioned for her to sit on the couch across from his usual lounge chair.

The couch was very low set. It made sense for ponies but not to the she-thing. Not wanting to ignore the command of her host, she complied awkwardly and looked to Malign who took the lounge chair.

The ensuing uneasy silence was broken when Malign spoke.

“Who are you and what are you and why did you make that hole in my lawn?” His tone was more easy-going this time around. Though still annoyed.

“Uh, I’m Lily. I’m a, uh, a person, I guess and I don’t know.” Honest answers. All of them.

Malign sighed, “You can’t just have poofed up in an unexplained hole in the ground. Do you have amnesia or something? Who sent you? And why did you try to rape me?”

“I’m a victim of circumstance!” She suddenly spat out.

Now was Maligns turn to be taken aback by an outburst. Take that, jerk. “Okay! I’ll leave the sexual assault thing alone then.” He ran his hoof though his mane in frustration. “You don’t know how you got here and made that hole?”

“No. Sorry.” She looked dejected for a moment then perked up. “I’ll fix it though! Somehow.”

“I doubt it. Unless you have some kind of pot-hole filling magic.” He stared at Lily, hiding his secret hope that she did have the power. The sorrowful look told him that no, she didn’t.

“Can I ask a question?” Malign was taken aback for a moment. He didn’t really care enough to answer any question she may have had.

“Fuck. What?”

“Why can you talk?” What a stupid question.

“What? I don’t know. I talk. All ponies talk. It just is.”

“All? There are more talking ponies?” She seems so shocked.

“Yes. Equestria is full of them.” This thing must be stupid, he thought.

“I don’t think I’m in the same… World, I guess, I was in before. Horses aren't supposed to talk.”

“Sounds boring,” Malign said, uninterested.

“What’s your name?”

That dreaded fucking question. It’s like an intelligence test for ponies. Stupid ponies don’t know what malign means. Smart ponies treat him like a jerk just for the name sake. Poor Malign just curses his idiot mother for thinking that it was a good name. It is literally the opposite.

“My name is Malign.”

“Malign,” Lily repeated and thought for a moment. She then smiled and spoke, “That’s a silly name.”

Face-hoof. “Yeah. Silly.” Malign almost spat the word. Of all the extra-dimensional, or planetary or whatever, persons he had to run into, she had to be a sexually confused idiot.

“Well, Lily,” Malign began as he stood, “ It’s been just freaking dandy having you, really, but I think it’s time you leave so I can get to bed and-“

“What?!” Lily became erratic suddenly, “I don’t know where I am! I don’t know where to go! I don’t know how to get home!” She gave Malign the most pleading eyes.

“That’s a shame,” he replied flatly, “Welp, you’d better be off-“

“Please let me stay!”

“Why would I let an attempted rapis-“

“I’m a victim of circumstance!”

“Oh shut up and get out.” He pointed a hoof toward the door.

In response, Lily harrumphed, “Fine. I just sleep in that hole that I don’t know how I made. Or on your porch. Or, uh, I don’t care. Somewhere where I’m sure it’ll inconvenience you.”

Malign rubbed his temple in an effort to keep his migraine from getting any worse. It wasn’t helping.

“Fine just sleep in the guest room until tomor-“ the stallion found himself unable to breathe as he was assaulted with a bear hug by Lily.

“Thank you! Thank you! You’re the best little pony ever!”

Malign managed to push her away, blushing slightly from the first moment of fear that he was about to be raped.

“Yes,” he coughed, “Well, uh, the guest room is right down that way and two doors to the left.”

Lily just smiled and stood to make her way down the hall Malign had pointed out with his hoof. As she walked, Malign followed. Which doesn’t make sense. Why tell someone where to go if you’re going that way? Just take them there, it’s not out of the way. Whatever.

Lily reached her destination and turned to face her host. Malign, however was at a door farther back and opposite her own door. He had it open and was ready to enter when he noticed her notice him. He gave her a look that spoke, ‘You fucking need something?’

As he gestured that he was about to enter the room, the person spoke.

“Malign?” He gave her the look again and she continued, “Thanks. I know everything is weird and stuff. It’s a really nice thing for you to let me stay the night. Good night.” And she entered her room. Finally.

Malign had entered the room and shut the door when a revelation struck him; ‘best pony?’, ‘nice?’ Definitely not something he got called every day. He sighed and shook the thoughts away. It was too damn early to be thinking about the kind words of a rapist. He then wound his alarm clock, slipped into bed and drifted into an uneasy and, unfortunately, short sleep.

Author's Note

Chapter one done. This is something you can legitimately scrutinize. Tell me what you think, strangers of da interwebs.

2: TAKE IT AWAY! DISSECT IT ALIVE!

Lily sat up on the bed she’d been given for the night. Her head swam in thoughts about her situation. Questions like ‘is this life, or just a fantasy?’, ‘am I dreaming?’, and ‘is my arm broken?’ continued to repeat in her head. The pain had become fairly bad, making it hard to sleep as she’d normally slept to be rid of such worries.

There were only so many times in her life where she couldn't have slept 12 or so hours through the night. Most of those few times were spent either sick or in pain and, once or twice, frantically masturbating through a ‘heat’ that she pretended to have. It was a short lived phase.

What was Lilly to do now that she was here; in a world full of horses? Her heart would skip a beat at the thought of fulfilling a fantasy or two but then her heart rate would ease with some common sense. From the sound of things, this wasn’t a world of horses, but of ponies. If she used Malign as a model, these ‘ponies’ were just like people which is a turn off, not generally into things outside of their species which sucks, and are ponies which are… smaller. You know; where it counts.

However, if they were just like people, then she’d just have to do some clever searching and find herself a weirdo kinky stallion that might be into her. There are tons of those kind of people and so ponies. They are really short though. It’s kind of the reverse of the practical problem she’d imagined with horses. She supposed she could just lay on her back missionary style though it takes away from what she’d always wanted. Perhaps it would be more personal then? She imagined it for a moment then cursed that her good hand was in pain. Was it impolite to do that in a strangers house? Probably but she wouldn’t have cared much because Malign was kind of a jerk.

Lilly’s thoughts continued in this way for a while. Curious how potentially being stranded in a complete different world/dimension/reality/what-the-fuck-ever alongside creatures she knew next to nothing about and knew nothing about her in return seemed to escape her. The idiot musings stopped abruptly when a loud rhythmic knocking at the front door started and didn’t seem to stop.

Malign doesn’t sleep much, but when he does he’s out there’s not much that can wake him.

Except his Celestia-damned nerves.

-KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK-

It crept into his dreamless sleep and begged his attention. The knocking seemed to speak; ‘Wake up, Malign. Please? Just for a little while. That is, if you don’t mind.’ All the while it kept a teasing and annoyingly impolite tone.

-KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- -KNOCK- “FINE YOU DAMNED ASSHOLE I’M AWAKE!” -KNOCK- -KNOCK-

The red stallion sat up abruptly and, with authority, threw his blanket off of himself. He threw his hooves onto the floor, marched out his room and down the hall, and through his living room in the dark. Malign had to have bumped into every piece of furniture he owned as he made his way and swore each time he made a hoof-fall. Lights switched on, door swung open, the little pony was ready to berate the nuisance.

Too bad that on the other side of the portal was the captain of the Militia Guard. A large, well-aged unicorn that commanded an aura of respect, he still wore his Royal Guard barding despite being many years retired from the old drill sergeant days. The intimidating stallion neglected to wear his helmet as he often did, showing off his dark indigo mane handsomely streaked with gray and his beloved mustache. His white coat seemed ruffled, his expression seemed annoyed, and he was looking right at Malign.

Before the red pony could muster a meek ‘fine morning officer?’ the captain simply walked into his house. Malign offered no resistance and gave the imposing pony a wide birth. He was trailed by two more ponies; a white unicorn stallion in full metal barding wearing a serious look and a dark yellow pegasus mare in less protective Militia Guard barding who was stifling a yawn.

With a low, coarse voice the captain speaks; “Well… Everything seems to be in order.”

“Since you’ve barged into my home with my permission,” Malign spoke, obviously unsettled but trying to appear begrudged more than scared, “Perhaps you could let me know if there is something I can do for you, Captain Blackthorn? Maybe you just need to know the time? It’s four a.m.”

The captain turned his head toward the homeowner and smiled, his mustache following the contours of his mouth. “Malign. I’ve known you most all of your life. How can you not break your habit of referencing my title and surname when you’re being dishonest? Come on now, lad. What happened?”

“What ever do you mean, Cap- Mister Cane?” Malign smiled. Don’t smile. It’s not helping.

“I was awoken from a very peaceful sleep twenty minutes ago with reports from your neighbors that there was a terrible explosion at this place. Given that there is a sizable crater in your front lawn that yields no debris or damage to any area outside of it, I’m perplexed as to what kind of explosions you were setting off in the wee hours of the morning.” Cane kept a relaxed smile present on his face. It would have been pleasant and reassuring if not for the knowledge that it meant he was a just a moment away from berating the poor land owning pony with enough tact to make even completely asinine things seem punishable.

“And yet not a one came to see if I was okay. My guess is that they immediately assumed I made the explosion with my imaginary mystical power to break the dimensional divide and summon some kind of demon.” Actually a half-truth right there. Well, maybe a third-truth. Fourth?

Without any seeming reason, the captain decided to change the direction of the conversation, “How’s your mother been?”

Malign gladly took the opportunity to avoid the matter at hand, er, hoof. “Fine. Still in Canterlot.” Unlike you. The ex-drill sergeant was a neighbor growing up. An annoying, overbearing, I-Want-to-Be-Your-Father-figure like asshole that sought to cast down his ‘good intentioned’ discipline down upon the single parented foal because the hardworking mother couldn’t possibly find the time to raise her child right. Just when the mild mannered Malign thought he’d moved out and started to make his way in the world in a peaceful little town down far away from his useless family and damned neighbors, HE FUCKING RETIRED TO THE SAME DAMN TOWN!

“You know, that’s the same answer you give me every time I ask.” Cane gave the younger stallion a wry smile. Why? To show off that excellent mustache, of course!

“When the situation changes, you’ll be the first to know. I promise.” Malign spoke flatly but returned the larger, more intimidating pony’s smile with his own mocking version.

“I see you’ve relaxed a bit after that bit of impertinent behavior. Perhaps we could sit down and listen to your explanation of that strange crater in your front lawn,” after a moment of thought he added, “And this mention of a demon?”

Malign visually resisted a face-hoof. “I was joking.”

“Only partially. I can tell when you’re lying. I’m going to get the truth out of you yet, lad.” The way he said ‘lad’ just seemed so threatening. I swear, thought Malign, if he starts to lecture me, I’ll hit him. Captain of the Militia Guard or not.

This is the scene that Lily could barely hear or get a glimpse of from her peek out her door. Tensions mounting, tempers being tempted, wise-crack half-insults were being kind of used, she guessed. The girl could hardly make out the words but the big pony with the cute little mustache sounded really serious just now.

This all cumulated on this on pertinent thought; Why hide her? Malign obviously hasn’t seen a human before and, victim of circumstance or not, he thought she tried to rape him. Why not just point out the mysterious otherworldly rapist shouting ‘TAKE IT AWAY! DISECT IT ALIVE!’ … ?

It was kinda… romantic? Not in the ‘love’ way but kind of in that way. Whatever. What was going through Lilys mind was that Malign had turned into some kind of hapless hero who’d taken it under his charge to protect the wayward beauty. If wayward meant ‘almost rapist’, it’d be true.

“…And furthermore… You paying attention, lad?” While we were away in Lilys brilliant mind Captain Cane had indeed gone on a mini tirade on the virtues of honesty. Malign was somehow becoming redder in the face as his anger grew. I really am going to deck him this time. This quickly changed as his heart dropped in terror at the very mention of his name.

“Malign?” Lilly asked from down the hall, still unseen.

The pony in question simply stood and watched silently as he watched Canes expression change from an initial look of surprise in the direction of the voice to a very wide grin in Maligns direction.

“Oh ho ho!”

“No… Just… Ugh.” The red pony reddened again. In embarrassment this time.

“And here I thought you were just trying to get under my skin again. So that’s what, or rather who, you were trying to hide from me?”

“You… I… it… Fuck.” Malign looks right at the floor.

“No need to be embarrassed, lad. It’s not like we’ve caught you in the act or anything.” Malign groaned at the thought of the alien and himself being… caught.

“I would like to know who this mare is. Come on out, dear!” Freak out time.

Malign started to push on the larger stallion in the direction of the exit. “Yes well it’s time for you all to go. I have indeed been porking some unfortunate mare and it’s all well and good and all that but privacy and stuff. You know how it goes. Now if you. Would. Just. Move. How are you so heavy?” Despite how desperately he pushed, he couldn’t get the larger, older stallion to move at all.

“Come now lad, company or not, you’ve still got an explosion to explain… about?” Canes attention was taken away from Malign to the sound of footsteps slowly falling in their direction from the hallway. This immediately raised suspicions for the captain as ponies usually make a clip clop sound.

The homeowner swore under his breath and squeezed his muzzle with his fetlock in annoyance as the alien stepped into full view of the group standing in the living room. As she made her final foot step, she tempered the sound with a resounding ‘um’.

There was a long uncomfortable pause. The two cadets who accompanied their superior remained ridged with a look of fear and confusion mixed on their faces. The captain kept a cool yet oddly firm look of interest as he stared into the face of Lily. She had started to say something when Cane interrupted.

“Well, Malign, I should say that this is quite the surprise!” He turned to Malign with a smirk, his mustache slightly askew with the expression, “Here I thought you more of a ‘traditional’ stallion. Really, you are the last pony who I would think to engage in interspeci-“

“NO!” Malign burst out. Seething rage built up but couldn’t quite find its exit from the red stallions’ mouth through his clenched teeth. He did his best to keep his toothy flood gates shut in an effort to not outright curse at the seasoned ex-royal guard. “Fuck! URGH! You! ARGH! BUH! GAW! I should! ERGH! DAMN IT!” Malign slammed his haunches on the floor and sat upright for balance before attempting to sooth away the ever growing colossal migraine with both hooves.

“Now, now, my boy! That’s not any kind of language to use around a… erm.” Cane made a gesture for Lilys attention, “A lady?” She nods. “Yes, quite. I pardon my rude question but I’m afraid I don’t know your species. You seem a little like a Minotaur. What, pray tell, are you?”

Lily was taken aback by a few things. The way the ‘cop pony’ seemed to just ignore the fact he was essentially talking to an alien being and the mention of Minotaurs. She’d totally forgotten what she risked discovery for. It was something about keeping the nice red pony from getting in trouble with the law. Or something. I dunno.

“I- I’m a human. Um…”

“Wait,” Malign slips in, “I thought you said you were a ‘person’.”

“A person?” the captain askes, “You mean the word you use instead of pony when in mixed species company?”

“Uh,” the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind as it should have, “Well… fuck. I don’t know. That’s just what she said. I’m tired.”

“Um,” Lily interjects, “What’s that about Minotaurs?”

“Don’t worry about that, dear.” Cane gives her a comforting smile, “Now care to tell us your name?”

“I’m Lily.” For some reason she gives the elder pony a very Asian bow.

“It’s nice to meet you, Lily. I’m Blackthorn Cane, Captain of the Militia Guard that volunteers out of Ponyville. Did you make that hole in the front lawn?”

“Maybe.”

“I don’t like working with uncertainties, dear. Maybe yes? Or maybe no?”

“Uh,” She could feel the pony adding pressure with the words he used. How could he do that and still sound so polite? “I don’t think I made it but I certainly came with it.”

The captain seemed to consider this for a moment before saying, “Alright. So, why are you here?”

“Um… I don’t know. I think I’m just lost or something. I was just minding my own business in my room when everything got loud and spun and then… well, now I’m here.”

“Just poof! Nothing more?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Captain Cane rubbed his chin in thought. He looked at Malign who promptly rolled his eyes then to the front entrance and finally on Lily. “I think I know what I’m going to have to do.”

Lily suddenly dropped to her knees to be eye level with the captain pony and pled, “Please don’t arrest Malign!”

“I hadn’t planned on it.” The stallion was caught off guard with the outburst. “What makes you think I was going to?”

“Well, you seemed to be really suspicious of him and stuff…”

“Oh?” Cane laughed, “No, dear! I was just teasing the lad. I’ve known young Malign and his mother for years. Since he was a colt, in fact. Just a bit a sport between old friends.”

“Flipping dandy,” Malign interrupted, “Could you please continue with what you were going to say about this whole situation?” If Malign sounds incredibly tired and annoyed, that’s because he was.

“Oh right. Well, Miss Lily is going to be staying with you for a few days.”

“WHAT?!” Malign shouted, “WHY?”

“I’m going to need a place to keep her well out of sight, as it were, while I write to the princess about this and prepare a speech to ease her into the town. You know how skittish the locals are with living next to the Everfree and all.”

“But why here?! Why Me!?” Maligns face was pleading and desperately wanted a way out. Off his face, I mean. He really didn’t want to be there.

“You already have a room for her, have you not? Extending her accommodations for a few days until I get everything sorted shouldn’t be the end of the world I’m sure.”

“But this- this- human tried to-“

Lily suddenly burst out, “I’m a victim of circumstance!”

The elder stallion took a moment to look the human girl up and down before saying, “Quite. Anyway, Malign. I’ll send Cadet Perky to check in on you tomorrow.” The captain turns and makes a gesture and the three militia guard start toward the door.

“You can’t be serious! I can’t just have it living with me!” Malign trailed after the captain as he made his way to the exit.

“Oh bosh. You could really use the company.”

“Then I’ll have some friends over!” Malign stopped at the door as the trio passed through.

Cane laughed and said “Friends. Ha!” as he exited the house. Malign promptly slammed the door shut.

“I fucking HATE that stallion! I should have just hit him!” Malign gave Lily a hateful stare, “And now I’m stuck with you.”

“Um… Malign?”

“Fuck. What?” the red pony had begun to massage his temples again.

“Mister Cane… had a horn.”

“Yeah. So?”

“Why?”

The pony slammed his fore hooves onto the hardwood floor. “I’m not putting up with this bullshit! I’m going to bed!” Malign marched his way toward his room. Along the way he muttered something like “Doesn’t even know what unicorns are…”

Outside, the trio of guards was making their way back to the town proper.

Perky the pegasus cleared her throat.

“Yes, dear?” Captain Cane responded.

“Was it really a good idea to leave the, uh, human back there, sir? I mean, I trust your judgment and all, but we don’t know what she’s capable of. That and Malign isn’t really the best… erm, pony.”

“Oh don’t worry now, dear. The lad can step up when a situation calls for it. Besides worst case scenario is they don’t get along and Malign drives the human in a fit of rage. We corral it up and we settle,” Cane gives and exasperated sigh at the thought, “yet another panic.”

“I’d put my money on that,” speaks the younger unicorn stallion, “How long would you give them, sir?”

Captain Cane laughed. “Two days.”

Author's Note

I finish this chapter in honor of Hypocrit, an asshole.

Also, Blackthorn canes.