When Goodbye Comes Too Soon
Tap-tap-tap.“Ditzy?”
Mm... wha? Who’s—what’s that noise?
I blink slowly, the crusty feeling of sleep falling away from my eyes. My hospital gown rustles as I push the covers back, willing myself to wake up.
Tap-tap-tap.
“Ditzy, darling?” My visitor calls out. Rarity? I thought she wasn’t coming until tomorrow. Or was that today? It’s been so long since I’ve been able to keep track of time. Rarity knocks again and opens the door. “I hope you don’t mind if I let myself i—oh.” She clears her throat, taking a step back. “I’m sorry, dear, I didn’t mean to wake you. I can come back later, if you would prefer.”
“S’okay.” I weakly wave my hoof, pushing myself up with the other one. I’ve gotten enough sleep already. “Come on in.”
I squint as she opens the curtains, allowing Celestia’s sun to envelop the room. Rarity levitates a few items out of her saddlebags absently—a pair of long, velveteen jewelry boxes, a small vanity kit, and a few teabags. “I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of bringing by a few extras, in preparation for your other visitors.”
“Not at all,” I rasp. Oh Rarity, only you would bring a set of brushes for me. The treatments made my mane fall out ... how long ago was that now, a month? Three? I’ve been sleeping so much that it’s getting hard to track of time. Come to think of it, I haven’t even been here very long, compared to some patients, but ... well, it wasn’t until recently that I even knew I was sick.
Rarity’s horn glows, bringing out a wide, flat brush—one meant for coats, rather than a mane. She trots over to help me up, fluffing my pillows behind me and moving my IV line out of the way as her forelegs gently guide me to a sitting position. I catch a faint hint of perfume as she draws closer to me—just a trace, though. The first time she came in with her usual doses, I... heh, well, nausea has been one of the side effects of the treatments. She’s an angel for coming back after the mess I made.
The soft, ball-tipped wire bristles run through my coat, almost tickling me as they bring some kind of order back to my scalp. It’s a welcome change from the headaches I’ve had for so long—and goodness knows, I probably need it. Usually, I only have enough time to wake up and get something to drink before Rainbow brings my daughters to visit.
Speaking of whom... “Did you have any trouble with those?” I nod to the jewelry boxes, eliciting a small ‘tsk’ from Rarity as I interrupt her work. “You’d mentioned a few snags with the one for Cirrus...”
“And I got them all worked out while making his.” Rarity’s horn glows and brings the boxes to me. “Your brother’s gift gave me the template I needed for the rest of them. Putting them together was the easy part; the enchantments were what proved tricky. Fortunately, Twilight was more than up to the challenge.”
Enchantments? I open up one of the boxes and pull out a long, grey feather—one of mine. The silver-colored chain attached to it shines like purest platinum. It feels too solid to be a precious metal, though—I’m actually a little surprised by the weight on my hoof. Something about the metal seems ... familiar to me. Like there’s some kind of magic that I know, even as a pegasus.
I blink in surprise as the pieces fall into place. “Is this thunderforged steel?” Rarity nods and smiles gently. “I wanted to use something that was up to the task of ... shall we say ‘enduring’ for a long time.”
“Thank you so much.” I can’t quite keep a straight face, though I’m glad she’s kept survivability in mind: I want these to last a long, long time
“You are quite welcome, as always.” Rarity nods and coughs gently, going back to work on my scalp. “Now, let's see to the rest of you. It wouldn't do for the little dears to show up with the job only half-done.”
I cough and force out a small laugh. “I think you got the worst of it already.” Rarity won’t have any of it, though, and I put my hoof down to try and shift in place to give her a better angle. Something shifts under my hoof, and I curse under my breath. I’d forgotten about the necklace! Rarity’s face is carefully neutral, probably hiding the exasperation at watching me undo all of her hard work. I gingerly lift a hoof, wincing to find...
.. a completely untouched feather, looking as fresh as any of the few remaining pinions on my wing. I’d put enough pressure on it to snap it in half, yet there it was, totally untouched.
“Enduring,” Rarity says with a proud look.
Very enduring. Almost too much for just a regular necklace. If it can stand up to me... “Rarity? How much work did you put into these—really?”
“As much work as you deserve, Ditzy.”
I ... I don’t know what to say. Everything I try to say to her comes out in a garbled mess of half-sobs. Dammit, I need to tell her how much this means to me, just let me talk, not sob.
Or cough. I can’t—dammit, let me breathe—
I can’t—
I—
Nng. Nnng. Mmm.
It hurts. Stop. Please, stop, just let me—
Huuh. Hhhn... mmm...
...
...
Rarity’s stroking my back. She tries to bring a cup of water to my lips. Hopefully that’ll hel—
Another cough sprays us both; Rarity only flinches a little as it hits her. I try to say something to her, anything—but I can’t. I’m ... Luna ... am I really out of breath just from that?
Rarity hugs me against herself as I breathe in, then out. She shakes her head as she levitates the cup in front of her, and then a straw. After a moment, I hear a small ‘crack’ and see a couple of ice cubes floating in front of me. I let her feed me a few of them at a time, sucking on them and letting the water trickle down a few drops at a time.
I can feel Rarity shaking as she holds me, see her biting her lip out of the corner of my eye. I nuzzle her, wordlessly thanking her for everything. The brushes tickle my head as she goes back to work, occasionally stopping to give me a few more ice cubes. A clock softly chimes the top of the hour, its emotionless face peering at us from behind a flower vase on the nightstand.
Tiny hoofbeats mutedly thump down the hallway outside. After months of visits, there’s no mistaking who’s coming to my room, but how is she here already? I scramble to sit up and cover myself while Rarity’s mass of brushes hurry to finish. I see rather than feel a few clumps of grey tumble past me, uprooted by last-minute strokes. She curses under her breath and hastily licks her hoof, smoothing over the tiny bald patches.
Both of us jump as our surprise visitor barrels through the door. An oh-so-familiar unicorn filly scampers for traction, rebounding off of the wall to follow a well-worn path to my bed. She only managed to land it once or twice since I started staying here, but that’s never discouraged her before. She leaps up on the foot of the bed, back hooves scrambling for purchase as she climbs up to join us, and is in my forelegs the instant she’s made it.
“Hi, Mommy!” Dinky’s eyes shine like gold, smiling up from my embrace. “I got here as fast as I could, ‘cause I missed you. Sorry for bein’ loud.”
“Muffin!” Oh my baby, my beautiful little filly. “What’re you doing here? School started an hour ago.”
Dinky giggles as we wrap our forelegs around each other. “Rainbow Dash said we didn’t have to go to school today ‘cause of reasons, so we came here instead! She said we can stay aaall day long, which is good ‘cause I can make sure you get lotsa get-better hugs.” Her embrace shifts slightly. I could never tell anypony the difference between one of her many, many normal hugs and the ones she saves for times when ponies really need them. It’s something she can just ... do.
Two more ponies clear the doorway, both moving much more slowly than my little ball of energy. Rarity nods to Sparkler in passing as she gives up her seat on my bed. I barely feel a draft before Sparkler fills the void, letting me lean against her and pulling me and her sister both close. Her hug is different; tighter, more desperate than Dinky’s. Sparkler’s nuzzle isn’t just one of love so much as fear, like a guardspony cradling a spear during a siege.
She knows.
“Hi, Sweetie.” I lean back and nuzzle her gently, careful not to strain my neck. I don’t need to worry, though. Sparkler is already there, meeting me almost before I start moving.
“Hey, Mom.” She hugs me back as tightly as she dares. Sweetie, what happened to your voice? You sound almost as bad as me. “You’re looking a lot better today. Feelin’ ... you feeling better, too?”
I smile gently. “You’re here.”
“Heh.” Sparkler swallows and licks her lips. “I miss having you around. It’s pretty quiet at home.”
“I don’t doubt that—the poor fire brigade probably hasn’t had downtime like this in years.” I get my wish of seeing her smile again: for one brief moment, all of the stress and tension she tries to hide melts away as we share a chuckle.
I catch a glimpse of cyan before—ack! Rainbow, that’s my head! “Aw, c’mon Ditzy. You’ll be back up and giving ‘em their hazard pay soon enough.”
Rarity sighs and grumbles to herself. I catch something about hard work and bulls in china shops. Rainbow rolls her eyes at her, though she shifts and awkwardly tries to smooth out my coat. A tiny hoof braces on my shoulder as Dinky pushes her godmother’s hoof away.
"Rainbow Daaaash!” Dinky whines. “Ya gotta quit noogiein’ Mommy! Her mane's already balded an' it's gotta grow back ‘fore you can do that stuff again, ‘kay?"
Rainbow stops almost instantly with a sheepish chuckle. “Heh. Sorry, kiddo.”
“Ya gotta give it a get-better kiss, ‘kay?” Oh, you silly muffin. Trying so hard to be so serious with your godmother. She snuggles up with me, her warm little nose tickling my chest. “We’re givin’ her hugs, so you gotta do somethin’ else.”
“Well, I could...” Rainbow gives me a small grin. “But then Cloud might get all jealous.”
“Then Miss Cloud Kicker can give her more kisses than you,” Dinky says.
“Dinks?” Sparkler squeezes me. “S’not a contest.”
“‘Course it’s not,” Rainbow grumbles, mussing Sparkler’s mane. “But if it was, I would win.”
A smile creeps onto my lips, and I nuzzle Dinky to help hide it. “They all help, Muffin.”
“Ooooh.” Dinky nods slowly. “Did Miss Rarity give you some then, too? ‘Cause if they all help, an’ she’s comin’ by to help, then—”
Rarity clears her throat, just loudly enough to catch Dinky’s attention. “Yes, of course I did, dear. I spent a bit of time with her before you came along.”
“Well, fine...” Rainbow huffs and leans in, pretending to hesitate. Anypony who didn’t know her for as long as I have would think her callous, but the truth is that she usually has other ways of showing that she cares. Usually, anyway; I can feel a small tremble in her foreleg as her lips tickle my scalp.
Dinky gives a small nod of approval. “There. See?”
Rainbow and I both laugh at her ‘Mommy’ tone of voice. Silly Muffin, when did you become such a taskmaster?
A slight glow off to the side brings me back to the present, as Rarity levitates the jewelry boxes back out of her saddlebags. “Darlings, your mother and I have something for you.”
I nod and squeeze both of my children. “Something for both of you.”
Dinky’s expression brightens even more, somehow. “Whoooaa... You got us presents!? Usually we bring stuff for you!”
Oh, yes you do; flowers, pictures, drawings, even food. I wish I could still stomach muffins. I haven’t been able to keep down anything more solid than stews since I started staying at the hospital, but Dinky was always so proud of her latest treats that I could never turn her down. At least Redheart, Code Blue, and the others made sure they didn’t go to waste.
“Didja get anything for me too?”
Oh. Um... “I’m sorry, Rainbow, it completely slipped my mind.” It’s not like you’re one of my best friends, or the pony who's been taking care of my children while I’m here.
She shuffles awkwardly, likely feeling Rarity’s angry look. “I was kidding, Ditzy.”
“It’s a’kay,” Dinky says. “I can share until Rainbow’s present comes in.”
“Bless your heart.” Rarity’s gaze melts into a bittersweet smile as she gives me the boxes. “Here you are, Ditzy.”
“Jewelry?” Sparkler’s voice wavers just a little bit as she gives me a squeeze. “Mom, c’mon, isn’t that a bit …” She struggles to find the right words. “I mean, ya gotta focus on getting better first.”
Somehow, I manage not to flinch as I open the boxes to show my children what I’m leaving for them. “One for each of you.”
Dinky stares at the baubles in wide-eyed wonder, taking one of the boxes from my hooves. Sparkler glances at my wings, recognition dawning on her face. “Moooom? Where’d these come from?”
Rainbow looks over her shoulder, her own curiosity piqued. Unlike Sparkler, she’s been around pegasi her entire life. She knows what these are, what they mean. It’s part of why I couldn’t tell her, either; she’s so open, so … outgoing that she usually can’t help but wear her emotions on her fetlock. The mask she’s had for the past few months has worn on her enough already. For a moment—one, brief moment—it slips. Dinky doesn’t see her face, thank Luna, but Sparkler...
Her eyes go wide, all the fear and tension she’s been holding back spilling out. “Mom. Please ... tell me this isn’t what I think it is.”
What can I say to her? What is there for me to say that can offer something—anything, any small glimmer of hope that my gift means something other than what we already know it means. Sweetheart, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry... Come here, sweetie. Let me hold you.
I’m here. Mommy’s here, for a little bit longer.
“Th-those’re—” Rainbow takes a breath and tries again. “Those’re r-really cool, Ditzy.”
“Yah-huh they are!” Dinky puts on her necklace and spins hers around, showing it off to me. “It looks just like yours, ‘scept this one’s onna necklace.”
Rarity hastily hides her face with a hoofkerchief, turning away. “Rain-nbow?” She’s fighting to keep her composure, bless her. “Could you join me in the hall for a moment? I rather think my allergies are … they’re acting up.”
Rainbow doesn’t want to leave. Really, really doesn’t want to leave—her grip’s tight enough on me that it hurts. I don’t mean to whimper, but it shakes her enough that she lets go and allows Rarity to lead her away. “Uh ... yeah, sure. We’ll be outside.”
The door closes behind them, leaving me alone with my children. There’s ... there’s really no way to get out of this. They’re here, and the way things have been going when they aren’t... I... “Girls?” Dinky and Sparkler instantly perk up. C’mon ... you owe it to yourself, Ditzy. You owe it to them. “There’s something really important we need to talk about, all right?”
Sparkler swallows wordlessly, amethyst eyes swimming. Oh, sweetheart, I don’t want to say it either, I don’t.
Dinky’s eyes dance along the length of the chain, drinking in the glint of the glittering metal. It’s only her third time ever seeing thunderforged steel, and the first time she’s actually held it. A memory flashes back from her first birthday: a beautiful, hoof-made doll set aside in favor of the glittery wrappings; a gasp of amazement, followed by an excited squeal as she flails her new prize; a tiny foal, precariously balanced as she holds the glittery paper over her eyes.
Five years pass by so fast.
Sparkler’s focus is elsewhere. Her eyes dart from the feather in her hooves to the gaps in my wings. She’s always been so, so smart, so fast to pick things up. Too fast, sometimes. Seeing her happy has been the peak of my day ever since I brought her home, and it’s been months since I saw her wear more than a brief smile. And now ...
I hug them both against me. Okay, now that they have their necklaces, it’s time. But how? How to say it? Deep breath. Deep breath, and... “I want you to take good care of these for me, okay? And always keep them with you. These necklaces are very special.”
“Everything you give us is special.” Oh, bless your heart, Dinky. I don’t want to tell you the truth you deserve so badly.
“Thank you, Muffin.” C’mon, I can’t cry yet, I can’t. I need to say this first. Somehow. “But these are my pinions; they’re extra-special. They let me stay with you, even when you can't be with me.” You’re smart, sweetheart, I know you can put it together.
Am I really hoping that she’ll figure this out?
My heart freezes; she bites her lip in concentration, then perks up. “So they’re like magic?”
I can’t do it. I just can’t bring myself to take away that beautiful smile. Let me see you walk out with a smile one more time. I love seeing you smile so much, I just want one more day. Please. “Yes. It’s pegasus magic.” Say it, Ditzy, say it. Just a hint. She needs to know. I can’t lie to my baby forever, no matter how much I want to. Come on... “A piece of me, for you.”
That, at least, is true.
Sparkler’s horn flares as she helps her sister put her necklace on, then dons her own. A few warm plips fall onto my shoulder as my older daughter nuzzles me—she’s turned her face away from Dinky, turning to me because she can’t bring herself to lie to her baby sister either. My brave, brave big girl... I stroke Sparkler’s mane, gently nuzzling her while Dinky dances around on the bed, showing her necklace off to us like a fashion model. Heh, or Rarity.
Somepony knocks on the door. Rainbow lets herself back in and comes on over, and Sparkler moves over just enough room for her godmother. I give my best friend a quick nuzzle as she joins us. The fractures in her carefully-crafted mask are so small that anypony else would miss them; a too-wide grin that didn’t quite reach her eyes, or the fact that she actually let me hold her for a bit, and hugs me in return.
“Hey.”
“Yo, Ditzy.” Her eyes strain to hold her smile in place. “How’s it hangin’?”
"A little better, now.”
My friend offers me a weak grin. “Well, I do make the room twice as cool just by walking through the door.”
“Yeah, heh. Yeah you do. That’s … good.” That much is the truth, at least. These visits never fail to make me feel better, even after a day of treatments. Especially after the treatments, even if I only have the energy for them to stay for a little bit. They’ve been staying a lot longer over the past few weeks. It’s good, in its own way. I want … I want more time with them. So, so much more time, more than any medicine can give me, but … I’ll take this. “Um... how’re things at home? Still okay?”
“The girls are doin’ great.” She shuffles a little awkwardly, gently nuzzling the top of my head. “They ... they really miss you, y’know?”
I miss them too, more than anypony other than Rainbow could really know. I’ve had to spend nights away from home before with work, but I’ve never been away longer than a week at a time. A nuzzle is hardly payment for the last three months, but she accepts it anyway. “I know they’re in good hooves, at least.
“S’no big deal.” Only you could say that so casually, Rainbow. “You’re loads better at taking care of them than I’ll ever be.”
“I don’t know; you’ve done great so far.” I lick my lips, hesitating. “And … and I know you’ll keep doing a great job.”
Rainbow nods softly. “Yeah, I’ll keep an eye on them until you’re ready to come home.”
“Rainbow...” Please don’t make this any harder than it already is. I can’t say it to my baby, please ... you know better. I nudge one of the now-empty jewelry boxes with a free foreleg. “I’m … not.”
She flinches, barely catching herself before Dinky sees her. “D-don’t say that,” Rainbow whispers. “I know the docs said they couldn’t do anything, but maybe if I went back and asked Princess Celestia again—”
A hoof on her shoulder cuts her off. Part of me still couldn’t believe that she had a shouting match with the Princesses all those months ago, trying to get them to help me when we first found out. Another part couldn’t believe that there was nothing they could do. I know it’s selfish, but that part wants her to go back and yell at them again. I want more time with my children. But if they can’t, after everything Rainbow’s done for them... “They—-you all need each other, not a dream.”
“But—but there’s gotta be, you can’t die, Ditzy!” Rainbow slumps back, her eyes pleading. “You just ... you can’t...”
Rainbow! Quiet... don’t... don’t make a scene, please. Please, you’re strong, I need you to be strong now. “W-we can’t … they can’t do any more. I just want a few more days.. maybe a week, or two. Just a little more time.”
She leans in, using a hug to hide how badly she’s trying not to cry. “S’not fair.”
No it isn’t—Luna no, it isn’t. I’m twenty-six. Twenty-feathering-six years old! I already got tied down way, way too soon as a mom, and things—they’re finally okay. I have my house, my job, my family and friends all at hoof. I’m not ready to leave it.
I don’t wanna die.
Rainbow’s mane lets me hide my face as my eyes sting and spill over. “Th-there’re... there’re a few more things to remember. For... for after.”
“There’s not gonna be an ‘after’, ‘cept when you come home. You’re gonna get better.” The bed groans slightly as she shifts in place. “But... but maybe you better tell me anyway. For reference, and stuff.”
It’s the closest I’ve ever her come to admitting that she’s wrong. Her voice is quiet—timid. So un-Rainbow-like. “I know … that not everypony likes my parents, but—let ‘em come over anyway, okay?” We’re so far past what happened in the past; the fight we had, how we yelled at each other—how we cut ties when I first found out I was carrying Dinky. It all seems so stupid now, so unimportant. It’s in the past; I just want to see them one more time. My parents, my brother, I just want—I want—I want more time. Time with my family. And right now, I need to keep thinking about them. “Sparkler—we’ve got a college fund for her. Make sure she gets through?”
Rainbow slumps against me. A few tears fall onto my shoulder, which she quickly wipes away on my hospital gown. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Get a picture, for me? And Dinky, too?” I wanna see it—see my baby walk down the aisle, get her degree. Graduate, like I never did. She was worth it—so, so worth it—but I wanna see her succeed. But a picture’ll be enough. It’ll have to be. “And … well.” What else is there? Um... “You know what they like. To eat, I mean. Dinky likes everything, but banana-nut muffins are her favorite.” Even when I was carrying her, she could never get enough of them—from the first time Pinkie Pie taught me how to make them, she wanted them more than anything else I could make for her. “And she’ll need her mane brushed every morning until she learns how to use her magic—tell Twilight I said thanks again for helping her.”
“Yeah.” Rainbow Dash takes a deep, steadying breath. “Yeah, I’ll do that.”
What else? What else is there? There’s so much I need to say, I want to say to you, to them. “I ... I know Sparkler was looking for a job earlier.” Where did this come from? “Do you think that’ll be enough to help you—”
“Don’t worry about that.” Rainbow Dash squeezes me again. “I’ve got a lot saved up that I wasn’t really using anyway.”
“Okay.” D-don’t, I can’t cry, not—let me tell her— “Th-thank you so much—”
“Comes with being a godmom, right?” Rainbow’s hug is tight. Solid, comforting. Promising. “Don’t worry, I’ll take ‘em from here.”
I know you will. I wanna be there, but … I know you’ll do great. You’re Rainbow DaAAAaauhhh!
NMMnnnnaa ... ow, owww, ow...
Ohno, no, nonono... no, please, let me have just a little more, they just got here. LunaAAAannn... please, not now.
“Mommy! Your eye’s bein’ silly again!”
Don’t look, Muffin, don’t look. I know you don’t know what it means, but please don’t look. I hug her close, drawing her head to my chest. Sparkler hugs me too, shaking. My strong, sweet girls, this is so much more than you should have to go through.
One of the monitors behind me beeps. Shut up, shut up you stupid machine, you’re going to—dammit, Redheart’s already at the door. She shares a too-familiar look with Rainbow; they used to butt heads, arguing in the hallway about cutting these visits short.
Used to. The arguments faded, then stopped altogether just over the last few weeks. Rainbow slides off my bed, a wing over each of my children. “C’mon girls. Let’s head home.”
“But we just got here!” Dinky whines. “Rainbow Dash said we could stay home from school an’ stay an’ visit all day, an’ Mommy only just gave me a rilly pritty necklace, an’ I didn’t even get to tell her about my school project with ‘Lula, an’—”
“I know, dear, I know.” Redheart’s face is a flawless, neutral mask. I wonder how many times she’s had to have this talk before. “I know you want to stay, and I promise I’d let you if I could.”
“Pinkie Promise?”
Redheart nods. “Your mother needs her medicine, and you know it makes her very tired. She needs her rest, okay?”
“Fiiiine...” Dinky’s tone is one of a young filly being sent to bed on a school night. She gives me another get-better hug, a long one. There’s so much I want to say, so much I could’ve said. Should have. Could never bring myself to say. I tell Dinky something, though, one truth I’ve said every day since Redheart pulled her from my womb:
“I love you.”
Dinky gives a token fuss as I kiss her forehead—something she picked up from her godmother—but just a small one. “I love you too, Mommy. See you tomorrow, ‘kay?”
What can I say to that? I’m still scrambling for a reply when she nuzzles me and hops off the bed. Sparkler instantly fills the hole, clutching me like a life preserver. Rainbow and Redheart both try to pull her away, but her grip only gets tighter, more desperate.
“I duh, d-dun wanna go.” Her mask shatters, eyes welling over as she tries not to cry into my chest. “L-lemme stay—please, I dunwanna leave you.”
Neither do I, sweetheart. “I love you, Sparkler. I love you so, so much.”
“I love you forever, Mom.” I give her a final, tender nuzzle, and gently put a hoof on her shoulder. That one touch tells her what I can’t bring myself to say: we’re not going to have a happy ending. Something in her breaks as Rainbow gingerly leads her away. The fight drains from her, leaving her like air from a balloon. Or, most of it—she stops at the doorway and turns, eyes swimming as she looks at me one more time. Rainbow tugs her into the hall, but she just keeps coming back for one more glance.
It’s okay, sweetie, don’t do this to yourself. I’ll be here tomorrow.
It breaks my heart to watch her fight Rainbow’s pull, but her godmother finally wins out. My eyes sting as the door closes behind them, and Redheart gently dabs at my muzzle.
“Always hate that part,” she murmurs. Her face is as professional as ever, but I don’t miss the tiny quiver in her voice. She clears her throat and tries again. “I’m so sorry I had to have them leave again. It’s... they shouldn’t have to, anymore. I’ll talk to Code Blue and see if we can bend the rules a little bit more.”
I blink in surprise. I shouldn’t. If I’m honest, they really should’ve been letting them stay more. The worst of the side effects ended when the treatments did, and when my head doesn’t flare up I’m good for most of the day. I want more time—could have had more time, but you—you kept them away from me, took them out and left me alone.
No. Stop it, that’s not fair to her. She kept them from seeing the worst of it while still trying to give us as much time together as she could. She helped me.
Helped me keep the truth from my children. I have to tell them—I’ve know. I have to tell them, for months. The first time I saw … it in my head. Luna, I thought it was part of my eye, it was so big. How did I miss it for so long? How could I not tell them?
What kind of mother lies to her children? That’s not something a good mother does ... right? What else did I do wrong?
Redheart’s talking to me—my ears flatten a little, it sounds like she’s been going on for a few minutes. “...drip levels will be elevated. You’ll feel a little more tired than usual, but it’ll keep any more flare-ups at bay.” She replaces the painkiller drip next to the bed, fiddling with the flow. “You might also feel a little—hmm?”
My hoof is on her shoulder, stopping her. She’s never spared me the truth, never once when I needed it. “Redheart...” I struggle to keep my voice from giving out. “Have I been a good mom?”
She turns to me, staring as if seeing me for the first time. She leans over to kiss my forehead, giving me a reassuring hug. “The best. The absolute best.”
It’s silly, asking her. Every visit, every hug, every ‘I love you’ showed me how much they love me. I shouldn’t have to hear it, but … some part of me needs to. After all the months of well-meaning misdirection, I needed to hear the truth from a pony who’s never hesitated to give it—even when it hurts. We hold each other for a while, then I ask her to do that for me. Just this one more time.
“How long?”
“A few more days. A week, maybe. You just need to take it easy—don’t do anything to exert yourself.” Her hoof traces above my bad eye. Over it. She says more, but the drip is starting to take. It’s barely been an hour, and I’m so tired...
Redheart helps me lay back, tucking me in and, after a second’s hesitation, kisses my forehead. My thanks get garbled, thoughts fuzzy. Sleep. I’m tired. I wanna see my children again, but … but for now, sleep.
Tap tap tap tap.
Hmm? Redheart, what is—why’s it dark out? How long have I been asleep?
The door gently opens—it’s not Redheart, or Code Blue, or any of the other doctors. “Hey there, Derpy.”
“Cloud Kicker?” No, no no, don’t look, please don’t look.
“Yeah.” She licks her lips, her eyes darting over me. “This ... it’s really happening?” It’s bad enough Rainbow and my children have to remember me like this, they deserve so much more than that. I didn’t want you to see me like this.
Luna, that sounds shallow now that I think about it. Stupid, stupid, stupid...
“Yeah. It is.” I should have told her. We’ve been friends for long, and became much closer just a few short months ago... She should’ve been the first pony I told.
“Derpy, I...” I’m sorry, Cloud, I’m so sorry. I owed you the truth too. I try to tell her—I don’t know, something, anything—but she turns, goes back to lock the door, then pulls the dividing curtain around us. “Derpy ... you are so beautiful.”
I can’t help but let out a small cough. I meant for it to be a laugh, but...
“Derpy, there’s more to beauty than looks. Of all the ponies I’ve ever known, you’ve always been the most ... the most ...” She forces a cocky smile—another mask. “I’m here to give you one last bang, okay?” Oh, Cloud, don’t ever change. “I brought a muffin you’ll like.”
“Muffins.” Mmm... I have missed muffins. Especially Cloud’s.
Oh goodness, I made that joke. She’s a terrible influence on me.
I sit up a bit and try to take the IV drip out of my arm, then make a little room for Cloud on the bed.
And then we’re together.
I’m out of breath. There’s... a weird feeling in my head, something other than Cloud stroking my head. One eye doesn’t quite focus on Cloud, but—feather it. It’s not important.
“Cloud Kicker?” I squeeze her, as if anchoring her to my bed. “How long will you stay?”
“As long as you want me to.”
What? “But ... you don’t stay.”
“I do now.” She pulls me in for a kiss, one so tender I wonder...
“Cloud Kicker?” I’m hesitant to ask—it’s a selfish question, a stupid question. Something that’ll hurt both of us to ask. “Do you – Was there ever a chance that we could’ve been ... more?”
Cloud snorts, trying to hide her feelings behind a smile. “It’s a nice idea, but really? Can you see me taking care of kids?” Yes. Yes, I could. “Besides, ya can’t keep this mare out of the game. I’d cheat on you.”
Listen to you, trying to let me down as gently as you know how. But … I know you. “No you wouldn’t.”
A small sigh tells me more about her than anything she could ever say herself. She’s past the point where she can put on a brave face, tell everypony what she thinks they need to hear. “No I wouldn’t.” The dam finally gives, tears spilling over as she sobs into my chest. “It’s not fair!”
I know, I know. I’m not ready to—I can’t... I hold her in my forelegs, softly stroking her mane like I did for Sparkler just—was that hours ago? Days? She’s crying, honestly crying. “It’s okay, sweetie. It’s okay.” It’s my fault. I should’ve told you. I … I can’t make up for that. I just—I want—I want more. So much more. But this is it, what I have.
I have her.
“Cloud Kicker?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.” No, no … not what, what—meant. To say.
Come on, come on—say it. Tell her, I need to.
Why can’t I focus?
Ow, ow, OW!Nnnn, mmm...
...............................ithurts
..........................................ithurts
........................................................ithurts
.............................................................................................................I want
...............................................why does it hurt?
ow
...............................................................................................................................I want my parents
.................................................................................................ow
...................................................more time with Sparkler, please, Lu—
...................................................................................Hhnn, nnn, nnnmmmithurts
.
.
.
.
..............................................................................................“You’re welcome, Derpy.”
.
.
.
.
.
...........................................................Daddy?
.................................is Mom here now?
........................................................................“Thank you. For everything”
........................................................Cloud’s lips are warm
.
.
.
.
.
.
...................................why do I see the ceiling?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
............................................................................................................................thank you, Cirrus
.........................................................................................my head hurts
.....................................my eye
.
.
.
.
.
.
...........................................................................................................................why me?
...............................ow
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..........................................................................................................................it doesn’t hurt anymore
I
.................................................................................................................you
...............................................love
..........................l
.................C
..................................o
...............................................u
.......................................................................................d
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
