The Replacement

by VeryConfused

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Tragedy, Queen Chrysalis, Random, Adventure, DJ P0N-3, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Changelings, Original Character
Length: 20738

I am a changeling. You can hire me to do pretty much anything, espionage, assassination, body double, anything. Pay depends on the the job. Just not prostitution. Trust me, you don't want it.

Side Story : 'The Collector'

I see you are thinking about reading my story. Good for you, it's a good one.
...
You need more than that to convince you?
....
Fine.
I am a changeling. I go by no name, I can't quite find one that suits my sheer greatness.
What? Who said I was humble?
I just figured I'd tell you my life's story before I die. Well, not my whole life, bits and pieces. It's a long one, but its worth the time. No, you don't have something else to do, you have the time, you don't have a life. I suppose that I won't either in a few days. Stupid corrupt legal system.
...
Actually, they're probably pretty justified in killing me.

Published 2013-04-30 02:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-24 00:38:49 UTC

I Die At The End (New HD Remastered Blu-Ray 3D Special 1st Anniversary Edition In Color and Smell-O-Vision*) *Smell-O-Vision cards no longer sold due to lethal toxins

I Die At The End (New HD Remastered Blu-Ray 3D Special 1st Anniversary Edition In Color and Smell-O-Vision*) *Smell-O-Vision cards no longer sold due to lethal toxins

"The defendant is ruled guilty for murder, arson, money laundering, conspiracy, practicing medicine without a license, malpractice, breaking and entering, theft, battery, resisting arrest, harassment, and disorderly conduct. The sentence is death by electrocution."

"Objection!"

The grey-maned stallion slowly drew his hoof down his face and groaned exasperatedly. There was nothing left to be said, the trial was over, and it was a bloody long trial at that.

"What is it!?"

"Nothing. I just have always wanted to say that."

The judge shot him a glare.

"Court is dismissed!"

Ponies of all different flavors and varieties filed out of the courtroom, chatting amongst themselves about the case that just came to a close. There wasn't actually much of a case, to be completely honest. My public defender was only token, and didn't actually say anything. He just kind of sat and stared with his mouth ajar at the hundreds of eyewitness testimonies that were presented against me. I get the feeling he didn't believe I was innocent. I mean, he could have at least tried to just filibuster me out of like, one charge. I mean, sheesh, what do I pay that pony for? Oh right. Public defender.

The case only took so long because of the sheer number of ponies that wanted to testify against me. It warms my heart that I've touched so many ponies in so many ways. I know that I'll never be forgotten.

I... I think I just might cry.

Later, anyways.

Hi! I have no idea who you are, yet I am inclined to talk at you. I mean to you. Whatever, I am a changeling, as you can clearly see by the feckin' holes in my legs. If you can see at all with those tiny, creepy eyes of yours. Eeeeeewwwww.

Anyways, I have a long story to tell, so I will start from the beginning.

Gather 'round children! It's story time!

It all started with just a speck of energy, floating in the vast abyss of nothingness. Then, all of a sudden, it exploded. Energy burst from it, brilliant rays of light shone from it, creating everything we know, time, stars, planets. Everything exploded outwards away from the center, spreading apart and-

I'm terribly sorry, not that beginning. Much too early.

Ahem.

My memory of life as part of the swarm is foggy at best, being part of a hive mind type ordeal and all. Having no free will nor sapience sucked ass.

At least I think it did.

What pleasure does one gain from sapience? Is free will really something that should be sought after?

Yeah, I still don't know the answer to most of these philosophical questions and whatnot, nor am I sure that I particularly want to.

As a mindless zombie, I hadn't the capacity for thought as you and I know it, much less ponder deeper meanings and shit. Thought was an entirely new experience to me. It tasted better than love ever did. This all happened when I fell off of a building.

It was during the Canterlot invasion, I remember that for sure. Who could forget that unpleasantness. We were on a rooftop, ready to ambush a group of Royal Guards down below or something, when one unicorn guard teleported to us and began firing magical bursts of energy at us, taking most of us out. I just happened to be the last one standing, I turned and ran. I didn't see what hit me, but I assumed it was a particularly powerful blast from the guard, sending me hurtling off of the building. Luckily, the building was not too tall as to leave me a stain on the pavement.

The blast, however, knocked me unconscious, I blacked out in mid air. I experienced my first dream right then. Something about penguins in space or something. I don't really know. Dreams are weird. I woke up. Imagine being completely blind all of your life, then waking up one day to find out that not only can you see, but also there are colors! You couldn't even imagine what these sensations felt like before, because you had no way of experiencing it. 'The only source of knowledge is experience.' Some old bastard said that, I don't feckin' know, but now I can understand it, thinking makes sense. I can know things. I can recall experiences. I can learn from them. I had no clue what was happening to me. All of a sudden I was thrust into a new world of emotion, logic, and most of all want. I never wanted anything before, I only carried out commands issued by Queen Chrysalis and sought out nourishment. Speaking of nourishment, I don't feed off of love anymore, either. I eat food. I like food.

Enough with the bloody rambling on about thought now, back to the story.

So there I sat, under a great pile of crap that felt like it was a ton of bricks. Actually, I think it was a ton of bricks. I forced my way out of the ton of bricks and saw that the carriage I fell into had been moved to another location entirely, it looked quite a long way away from Canterlot, seeing as whatever town I had ended up in was tiny and rural. How long had I been unconcious? Trees were sparse, and the roads were unpaved. I stepped out of the cart. I know that was a stupid move without disguising myself, but lay off me, I was new to thinking. I staggered around for a moment, trying to come to terms with my newfound self-awareness. I looked around. Where was I? A question! A thought! This was exciting! Excitement! That was new!

In all my marveling about how I could now notice things, I failed to notice the crowd that had gathered around me, mouths agape, staring at the seemingly drunken insect monster in their quiet town. I hate irony. I really do.

"Ah don't be-leive that these fine folks in this humble town would fancy havin' one of you changelin' types 'round these parts." A pony from somewhere in the crowd stepped towards me, he had a big-ass mustache and was adorned with an oversized sheriff's star and a sweet hat. That hat was the coolest thing I'd ever seen.

"Uh, sorry, uh, wait a second." I shifted into the form of one of the nearby ponies. I could talk? Changelings could normally only articulate direct messages from The Queen, or repeat a few phrases spoken by the ponies which we become. This perplexed me, and then I was perplexed at my own perplexity, and so on.

The crowd looked at me, what was the problem? I looked like just like them now. They shouldn't be staring.

Ugh. Stupid, I know. Just bear with me here, I become less stupid later on.

"Get it!"

So, yeah, I ran as fast as I possibly could. I know now that I could have just flown off, but my thinking was that the form I had took was not that of a pegasus, there weren't that many in the town anyway, and a floating earth pony would stick out like a giant pink couch in a world made entirely of tin foil (I don't know where that awful simile came from, I'm sorry), or maybe that's just how I rationalized it later. I ran past the old buildings and bumped into various nameless background ponies, kicking up clouds of dirt with every stride I took. I looked behind me and saw a crowd of ponies lead by the sheriff getting closer to me, I pushed on harder. The sun dipped into the horizon, painting the surrounding clouds a gradient of brilliant reds and yellows, and the sky darkened. I took a random pony's appearance, and turned behind a building, losing the mob.

I took a minute to catch my breath and observed my new form. I didn't want to change form too often, because that would be pretty conspicuous, as everypony would be on watch for a changeling. So I planned on staying in one form for as long as possible. I was an earth pony mare with a brown mane and a horseshoe cutie mark. Attractive enough. I tentatively walked out from behind the building. No funny looks. Good. I backed out of the alleyway.

"Ma'am."

I jumped and turned around to see a young stallion from the mob with a determined look on his face.

"Bwuh!?" I replied with the eloquence you'd come to expect.

"Have you seen a changeling run through here, sort of a big bug, but pony shaped?"

"N-yeh-" I stammered, wobbling around. I almost tripped on my own hooves, but the stallion caught me and pulled me back up to a standing position, his expression softening.

"Had one too many ciders? I think it's best that we get you home, ma'am, you can hardly walk." He said, "You should know better than to wander around inebriated like that, ponies here don't take kindly to public drunkenness, especially here were everybody and their cat carries a firearm. You aren't from around here, are you? Do you have a place to stay?"

"...No?"

The sun set completely and was replaced by the moon and a full set of glimmering stars. The night was clear and nice. Ponies began to disappear into their homes, saying goodnight to their neighbors.

Heheh. NEIGHbors. I amuse myself.

He was able to find me a little inn, I realized that ponies went to bed at that time, and they had spaces open. I didn't have any bits (currency was also another new concept to me, but I would become very well acquainted with it later on if you know what I mean) but I was allowed to stay if I would mop the floors the next day. How nice of the mare at the desk. I'd just take someone else's form and leave without doing anything the next morning. Ha. In your face capitalism. Or whatever.

The stallion said goodbye and joined the mob again to search for me. Thanks for the help, sucker.

The mare at the desk showed me to my room and handed me the keys. I had no idea how to work keys. It would be an embarrassingly long while before I realized that the door could not be opened, and another long while for me to realize that I had to use the key to open it. I eventually managed to wrestle the key into the slot, and tried the door again. Nothing. I then repeatedly slammed my hooves against the door, expecting something to happen, and nothing did. I slouched down with my back against the door and humphed indignantly. I began to play with the key in the door, when it turned, and made a clicking sound. I pushed the door open. Damn, I felt stupid.

The night passed, and I discovered the joys of going into a coma for seven hours and experiencing vivid hallucinations while being unable to voluntarily control my body. The being knocked unconscious thing before felt different somehow. Gotta love sleep.

The next morning, I woke up and just walked out, not even bothering to take the form of a pony. I somehow didn't notice the slack-jawed expression of the pony at the desk as they stared at me walking out of the inn. Nor did I notice the fearful expressions of the other ponies checking out of the inn.

I stepped out of the building and began to traverse down the steps when a glint of morning sun hit my eyes, making me misstep and sending me hurtling down the few steps and sprawled out on the unpaved road. I stared up into the sky, and the silhouetted form of the sheriff loomed imposingly over me.

"Uh, hi." I managed to stammer out.

He grabbed me and pulled me up with his front hooves.

"How do y'all want to do this?" He asked, his voice deep and gravelly.

"Do what?" I asked, genuinely puzzled. He gave me a quizzical glance and hit his head with a front hoof.

"Duel!"

He hoofed a metal object over to me.

"What is this?"

"That there's a revolver. A weapon. You pull back the hammer on the back of the device, and you pull the trigger to fire." His tone was condescending, like he was speaking to a foal.

"Why are you giving it to me?"

"Duels are supposed to be fair. I can't shoot an unarmed pony. Here, we fight like ci-vil-ized folk. No barbarism."

I understood now. I was going to fight for my life. I gritted my teeth. I was going to make this happen, to show him that I have earned his respect, and my right to exist.

"So I can't use magic or fly?"

"No."

"OK."

"We'll stand back to back and both take ten paces, then we'll turn around. No shootin' until we make eye contact."

We took the steps. It seemed to last forever, the early morning sun shone in my eyes, a crowd gathered around us, the ponies murmuring quietly to each other as we made our way slowly away from where we started. I took the last step, gripping the gun in my hooves, and turned around to face the sheriff. Our eyes met. He narrowed his eyes into slits, mine mirrored his. The silence was palpable.

A tumbleweed blew between us.

Just hours ago (at least I think it was hours) I had gained self awareness, will this pony in front of me be the one to take it away? No. I would not let this happen. I could not. After years(?) of being a mindless slave, I was finally free, but to what end? To be killed? What would be the point? What kind of dumb-ass, unfulfilling story would that be?

The sheriff drew his gun, I drew mine.

A loud crack echoed through the air.

Our audience gasped collectively. I trotted over to him. A bleeding bullet hole sat squarely between his eyes, his blood stained the dusty dirt path. His hat had fallen off of his head, and his badge was on the ground nearby, embedded in the soft ground. I picked up his hat and placed it on my head.Adjusting it, I turned around, the crowd parted, and I walked through, my head held high. I had won.

...

That's what happened.

...

Y-you don't believe me?

I put so much work into-

Ugh.

OKAY FINE. I LIED. HAPPY!?

What really happened was that as soon as I bumped into the sheriff, I flew away, and he shot at me. I got away, but just barely. It was kind of embarrassing and not as cool as the story I told. I'm just trying to be interesting.

Yes, I know I'm a coward.

...

You don't have to laugh, you know.

...

Soulless bastard.

Author's Note

Phew! That was much better, wasn't it!
I'm really thankful for you guys who were able to stomach the first chapter and stick with the story for a whole year, slow-ass updates, stupid moments and all, and let me just say that it is you, commenters, and favoriter..ers... who make it worthwhile writing this, I mean writing is fun, but just knowing you have an audience who actually enjoys your work is just a really, really great feeling. It's because of you that this project has been able to keep my attention for over the year, and that's bloody saying something.
I'm glad that you all enjoy my story.
I know the one year anniversary is in April, but I got bored. Eh, close enough.
The next chapter is coming somewhat soon.

-VeryConfused

I die at the end. (Old and Unimproved Edition)

"The defendant is ruled guilty for murder, arson, money laundering, conspiracy, practicing medicine without a license, malpractice, breaking and entering, theft, battery, resisting arrest, harassment, and disorderly conduct. The sentence is death by electrocution."

"Objection!"

The grey-maned stallion drew his hoof down his face and groaned.

"What is it!?"

"Nothing. I just have always wanted to say that."

"Court is dismissed!"

Ponies of all different flavors and varieties filed out of the courtroom, chatting amongst themselves about the case that just finished. There wasn't actually much of a case, to be completely honest. My public defender was only token, and didn't actually say anything. He just kind of sat and stared with his mouth ajar at the hundreds of eyewitness testimonies that were presented against me. He could have at least just tried to filibuster me out of like, one charge. I mean, sheesh, what do I pay that pony for? Oh right. Public defender.

The case only took so long because of the sheer number of ponies that wanted to testify against me. It warms my heart that I've touched so many ponies in so many ways.
Sniffle
I think I just might cry. Later, anyways.

Hi! I have no idea who you are, yet I am inclined to talk at you. I mean to you. Whatever, I am a changeling, as you can clearly see by the feckin' holes in my legs. If you can see at all with those tiny, creepy eyes of yours. Eeeeeewwwww.
Anyways, I have a long story to tell, so I will start from the beginning.

Gather 'round children! It's story time!

It all started with just a speck of energy, floating in the vast abyss of nothingness. Then, all of a sudden, it exploded. Energy burst from it, brilliant rays of light shone from it, creating everything we know, time, stars, planets. Everything exploded outwards away from the center, spreading apart and-

I'm terribly sorry, not that beginning.

Ahem.

My memory of life as part of the swarm is foggy at best, being part of a hive mind and all. Having no free will nor sentience sucked ass.
At least I think it did.

As a mindless zombie, I didn't think. Thought was an entirely new experience to me. It tasted better than love ever did. It all happened when I fell off of a building. I was hit by a bolt of magical energy off of a building into a carriage. It knocked me unconscious, and I experienced my first dream right then. Something about penguins in space or something. I don't really know. Dreams are weird. I woke up. Imagine being completely blind all of your life, then waking up one day to find out that not only can you see, but also there are colors! You couldn't even imagine what these sensations felt like before, because you had no way of experiencing it. 'The mind ought sometimes to be diverted that it may return to better thinking,' Some old bastard said that, I don't feckin' know, but now I can understand it, thinking makes sense. I had no clue what was happening to me. All of a sudden I was thrust into a new world of emotion, logic, and most of all want. I never wanted anything before, I only carried out commands issued by Queen Chrysalis and sought out nourishment. Speaking of nourishment, I don't feed off of love anymore, either. I eat food. I like food.
Enough with the bloody philosophy now, back to the story.

So there I sat, under a great pile of crap that felt like it was a ton of bricks. Actually, I think it was a ton of bricks. I forced my way out of the bricks and saw that the carriage was in somewhere else, it looked quite a long way away from Canterlot, seeing as whatever town I had ended up in was tiny and rural. How long had I been unconcious? Trees were sparse, and the roads were unpaved. I stepped out of the cart. I know that was a stupid move without disguising myself, but lay off me, I was new to thinking. The instant that I stepped out, everypony stared at me. Shit.

"Ah don't be-leive that these fine folks in this humble town would fancy havin' one of you changelin' types 'round these parts." A pony from somewhere in the crowd stepped towards me, he had a big-ass mustache and was adorned with an oversized sheriff's star and a sweet hat. That hat was the coolest thing I'd ever seen.

"Uh, sorry, uh, wait a second." I shifted into the form of one of the nearby ponies. I could talk?
The crowd looked at me, what was the problem? I looked like them now. Stupid, I know. Just bear with me.

"Get him!"

Anyways, I ran as fast as I possibly could. I know I could have flew off, but my thinking was that the form I had took was not that of a pegasus, there weren't that many in the town anyway, and a floating earth pony would stick out like a giant pink couch in a world made entirely of tin foil (I don't know where that awful simile came from, I'm sorry). So I ran past the old buildings and bumped into background ponies, kicking up dirt with every stride I took. I looked behind me and saw a crowd of ponies lead by the sheriff getting closer to me, I pushed harder. The sun dipped into the horizon, painting the surrounding clouds a gradient of brilliant reds and yellows, and the sky darkened. I took a random pony's appearance, and turned behind a building, losing the mob. I took a minute to catch my breath and observed my new form. I don't want to change form too often, because that would be pretty conspicuous, as everypony would be on watch for a changeling. So I planned on staying in one form for as long as possible. I was an earth pony mare with a brown mane and a horseshoe cutie mark. Attractive enough. I tentatively walked out from behind the building. No funny looks. Good.

The sun set completely and was replaced by the moon and a full set of glimmering stars. The night was clear and nice. Ponies began to disappear into their homes, saying goodnight to their neighbors.

Heheh. NEIGHbors. I amuse myself.

I was able to find a little inn, and they had spaces open. I didn't have any bits (currency was also another new concept to me, but I would become very well acquainted with it later on if you know what I mean) but I was allowed to stay if I would mop the floors the next day. How nice of the mare at the desk. I'd just take someone else's form and leave without doing anything the next morning. Ha. In your face capitalism. Or whatever.

The next morning, I woke up and just walked out. It turns out I'm stupid in the mornings too. I began to make my way out of the town when I bumped into the sheriff. He hoofed a gun over to me. I didn't know what it was at the time.

"How do y'all want to do this?" He asked, his voice deep and gravelly.

"Do what?"

"Duel!"

"What was this thing that you gave me?"

"That there's a revolver. A weapon. You pull back the hammer on the back of the device, and you pull the trigger to fire." His tone was condescending, like he was speaking to a foal.

"Why are you giving it to me?"

"Duels are supposed to be fair."
I understood now. I was going to fight for my life. I gritted my teeth.

"So no horns or wings?"

"No."

"OK."

"We'll stand back to back and both take ten paces, then we'll turn around. No shootin' until we make eye contact."

We took the steps. It seemed to last forever, the early morning sun shone in my eyes, a crowd gathered around us, the ponies murmuring quietly to each other as we made our way slowly away from where we started. I took the last step, gripping the gun in my hooves, and turned around to face the sheriff. Our eyes met. He narrowed his eyes into slits, I mirrored him. The silence was palpable. A tumbleweed blew between us. The sheriff drew his gun, I reacted and fired. Our audience gasped collectively. I trotted over to him, the bullet went right between his eyes, his blood stained the dirt path. His hat had fell off of his head, and his badge was on the ground nearby, embedded in the soft ground. I picked up his hat and placed it on my head. I turned around, the crowd parted, and I walked through, my head held high.

...

OKAY FINE. I LIED. HAPPY!?

What really happened was that as soon as I bumped into the sheriff, I flew away, and he shot at me.
Yes, I know I'm a coward.

...

You don't have to laugh, you know.

...

Soulless bastard.

My Worst Job Ever

Do you ever wonder what makes somepony who they are? Is it her way of thinking? Could it be the sum of his accomplishments and their impact on the world? Could it be argued that it's only her physical appearance, because the majority of ponies will only see him once, and never again? These questions are the questions that I am endlessly struggling to answer, and not having a name or static physical appearance really doesn't help my identity crisis.

Booooooooooorrrrriiiiiiinnnng.

In life one will invariably mess something up, and not just like spilling coffee on somepony's new pristine white shirt, but like ruining something that hours upon hours of dedicated work is put into completing. Like ruining a large quantity of seventy year aged cheese. After all that hard work, you come along and destroy it. It's inevitable, and you just have to deal with it. My mess up is probably worse than yours was, or ever will be.

Let's jump forward a while.

....

Feck off, It's my story, and I'll transition however awkwardly I want!

....

No! Don't leave! I need attention!

I had eventually established myself as a criminal for hire, doing various morally questionable odd jobs for morally questionable odd individuals. I mean, who else would hire a changeling? I don't blame them. We attacked Canterlot and almost killed The Princess. I still need a job though, and I can't go too long with a stolen identity without them eventually running into their doppelganger, so I have to work with the closest thing to an identity I have. And that's being an awesome changeling and being better than you at everything. Everything. Speaking of awesome, I eventually saved up enough bits that weren't used up on silly things like staying alive to be able to afford the same kind of hat that the sheriff wore. Best investment I've ever made. Anyways, ponies soon found out that I was ideal as a hired killer, with being able to disguise myself as a loved one or whatever and kill them and all. Not that I was particularly good at it, anyone with my changeling ability would be as good as I am at ending fellow ponies' lives. This kind of business made me quite a lot of money, most of which I immediately squandered on useless junk. Yes, I actually bought stuff. If I stole everything I wanted, there wouldn't be much more to steal, would there?

You'd be surprised to find out that the Rich's Barnyard Bargains chain of retail stores would take part in dirty business, as the stores have such a family-friendly atmosphere, but believe me, the other business they do is anything but clean. Each outlet also functions as an illegal drug production and distribution facility, the cops are paid off by Filthy Rich so that they turn a blind eye to his illegal business, and the drugs sold are recorded as similarly priced legal commodities, so the government even gets tax revenue from the drug sales. Organized crime in its most... organizy...est... yeah.

I was asleep alone in my hotel room in Manehattan, registered under the name 'Horseshoe McNail'. The mattress was a bit too firm, but the pillows and sheets were soft, so I didn't sleep too badly. I managed not to worry about laying on the wet patch that was left over from the last pony that stayed here. Nothing that a good shower couldn't fix anyways. There was a knock on the door. I squinted my eyes at the cracks of morning light that shone through the gaps that opened in the curtain as it waved with a gust of air like a flag. The door was knocked on again. What does this arse want this early in the bloody morning? I quickly checked to see if I looked like a changeling, and begrudgingly dragged myself out of the warm embrace of my bed. The knocking started up again.

"Hold your bloody horses! I'm coming!" I yelled at the pony behind the door. Hold your horses. Hehe. I unlatched the lock and pulled at the door handle, opening it.
The ponies on the other side were dressed in black tuxedos and bowler hats, and if that weren't conspicuous enough, they wore opaque sunglasses. One was tall and muscular, and the other was short and quite skinny. The short one did all the talking. His accent was a thickly Trottingham.

"We know who you are and we've come to offer you some work." He said. The sunglasses were a tad too large for his face, so he had to continuously push it back up the bridge of his nose.

"What do you want me to do?" I inquired.

"We want you to kill somepony. 5,000 bits."
I paused for a second, stroking my chin in thought.

"That isn't enough. I don't accept. Good day." I started to close the door, but the muscular stallion stopped it with his foreleg.

"It isn't up for negotiations, changeling. You're coming with us." The smaller stallion nodded to his partner, who turned around and bucked me in the face, knocking me unconscious. It feckin' hurt.

"And the award for best dumbass low-life criminal goes to..." The drum-roll started as the mare in the purple suit picked up an envelope and slowly tore it open with the other hoof.

I sat in my seat, shaking with anxiety, I was finally getting recognized for my talent! The other nominees sat to the left and right of me, looking equally nervous. It seemed to take hours as the mare slowly drew the enclosed paper out of the envelope. The pony doing the drum roll was slowing down, seeming to get tired of the sound of his buzzing snares.

"Changeling #4,815,162,342!" The crowd roared with applause as I made my way up the stairs to the stage. I glanced and stuck my tongue out briefly at the other nominees before shaking hooves with the mare in the purple suit and standing in front of the podium. I pulled the microphone down slightly and cleared my throat, the audience's applause died down.

"I'm so flattered," I said into the microphone, blushing slightly. "I'm sorry I don't have a speech prepared, I didn't actually expect to win." I chuckled softly, and the audience did so along with me. "Winning such an award is a team effort, and I have quite a few ponies that I'd like to thank. First of all, I'd like to thank Queen Chrysalis, for giving birth to me and all of my millions of siblings, dead and alive. I'd also like to thank that one unicorn who shot me off of a building. Without you, I may never have developed intelligence or lack thereof-" the audience laughed at my self-deprecation. "Finally, I'd like to thank-"

"Wake up, ya bloody idiot!" Someone yelled from the audience.

"The Sheriff, without him I may never have got the idea to get my awesome hat."

"What is he rambling on about, Bruiser?"

"Don't know,"

"He's been talking in his sleep ever since you knocked him out! Do you think you gave him brain damage?"
The large stallion looked at him disapprovingly.

"No,"

"I can't believe you forgot the blindfold. You might have given him brain damage! How is he supposed to kill the target with a malfunctioning brain? I told you we should have gone back for the blindfold. I said we should have gone back, and you said nothing! Now you've ruined our job because of it-"

"Shut up."

"No! I won't shut up, it's your fault that-"

I lifted my head up, and the world swam around me. I just sat around disoriented for a while until I was finally able to process my surroundings. I was in a closed roof carriage being pulled by the two bowler-hat ponies, who were arguing loudly with each other nonstop. They seemed so professional at my door, now they seem like a bickering old couple.

"Hey, are you two a couple?"
They stopped talking and stared at me.

"Because if you were, I'd be totally okay with that, I mean-"

"Shut up, changeling." They both retorted in unison.

"That was a reeeaaally lame comeback, you could have at the very least tried to twist my words against me or something, or just made up a somewhat original insult, I mean come on! Put in some feckin' effort! Give me something to work with here!"

"I said shut up!" The big one, Bruiser or something, yelled back at me.

"Okay, okay. You know, when I'm told to shut up, I shut up. Some ponies just continue on and on and never really stop, they don't seem to get the idea of shutting up, which means to be quiet immediately, and not everypony seems to grasp that-"

"Shut up shuttin' up!" The little one politely requested of me, to which I graciously complied.

The rest of the carriage ride passed in awkward silence. Thankfully it did not take to long to get to the destination. The two bowler hat stallions argued for a moment about blindfolds, then Bruiser covered my eyes with his foreleg and dragged me into wherever we were going. I was deposited onto a chair at one end of a long table, and the two stallions sat across from each other in the seats ahead of me. At the other end of the table, presumably sat my 'employer', with the chair turned away from me. The chair one of those big imposing ones perfect for sitting in, then turning around to reveal that you've been in the room the whole time, stroking a cat like a bloody comic book supervillain. I've never liked cats. Have you ever been brushing your teeth in the morning, then drop your toothbrush in the kitty litter? That happened to me when I was staying at somepony else's place. I knew someone who's cat ate their hoofmade cotton sweater, they had to clean up like a hundred hairballs that had cotton in them. I got off track there, sorry.
Carrying on.

The chair turned around to reveal Filthy Rich himself! He sat in the chair with a smug little smile on his face. Ever think that somepony had a punchable face? Well this guy had, like, the most punchable face ever, it was like the feckin' magnum opus of face punchability.

I've heard that he's a nice guy, but I'm pretty sure that's just all a façade he puts on to seem family friendly. Unless he has dissociative identity disorder or some shit like that.

"Have my employees treated you well?" He said smugly.

"No, they knocked me out, argued a lot, and failed to supply a witty comeback when I needed it most."

Filthy turned to his goons who sank down as his gaze met theirs.

"That's the third time this month that I've heard complaints about your comeback abilities. Will I have to make you retake my 'Comebacks 101' course again?"

"No, boss." They replied, looking down at the ground like colts being punished by a teacher.

"Then apologize to Mr...." Filthy looked at me expectantly.

Why was everypony always looking at me?

"Why is everypony looking at me?"

"This would be the part in which you introduce yourself." Filthy said, his smug smirk smugger than a smug snake from Smugtown, located in the valley of smug, just east of the great smug lake of eternal smugness.

"Oh."

"Well, go on then," Smuuuuuug.

"I....Uh...."

"Don't tell me that you don't have a name!"

"I don't have a name."

Filthy Rich hit the table with his hoof, shaking it, and making his henchmen jump in their seats.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ME THAT!"

"Sorry, mate. I was just being honest,"

"SINCE WHEN WERE ASSASSINS EVER HONEST!?"

Hey, I'm not just an assassin! I do other stuff too!

"Your blood pressure, boss." The skinny goon reminded Filthy.

Filthy Rich looked red. He breathed in and out deeply, slowly letting the red color drain from his face.

"I apologize deeply for my, erm, outburst there." His smile returned.

"I dunno about you, but I enjoyed it."

Filthy's smile disappeared for a split second. I was this close!

"I think it is safe to assume that you understand why you are here."

"To make you upset?"

A subtle growl. This is fun!

"No, the job."

"Oh, you mean the one that you are too feckin' cheap to give me full pay for?"

"Yes, I mean- You have no choice! Okay!? Just be glad I'm paying you at all."

He lifted a folder up from under the table and slid it over to me. Well, not quite. The table was too long, so it stopped somewhere in the middle, and Bruiser had to get up and push it the rest of the way. Bruiser actually pushed it too strongly and the folder hit me. The papers inside it flew all over the place, so the skinny stallion got up to help Bruiser stuff all the pages back into the folder, all the while complaining that Bruiser had crumpled the paper. After about five minutes of arguing and rearranging paper, the folder finally found its way to me, the name on the tab: Ion Brilliance.

No, I haven't messed up yet, I'm still getting to that part.

Impatient bastard.

Hero

Morality is a concept intertwined with thought. It branches and flowers from it, becoming more and more complex with the development of the mind throughout the years. Each individual has their own set of morals and each individual adheres to them as much as they please. Morals are influenced by punishment at an early age, and rules set by society at a later. If in one's early ages they were not punished for behavior their caregivers found unethical, and grew up in a law and prejudice free society, free would their morals be purer?

No, they are just as much driven by greed and lust as any other sentient being. This is because, at some level, no matter how intelligent or cultured we think we are, we are all animals.

I am a prime example.

Yeah, I know that's a depressing-ass-philosophy to go by, but I'm not feckin' changing it. You can mention love and compassion and all that, but I never got any of that shite unless I stole it. I'd say it was because I am a changeling, and ponies shouldn't judge a book by its cover and all that glurge, but I don't deserve any love, so I'd be lying. Which I do all the time anyway, so I don't know why I'm so worried about it now.

I'm still pretty badass though.

If I didn't give myself ego boosts regularly, I'd probably have died from serotonin deprivation.

That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

Bloody Tartarus, I'm bad at introspection.

Where was I?

Oh right.

Filthy Rich told his intellectually challenged bowler hatted goons that they could just use their ties as blindfolds, so the big one took off his tie, tied it around my face, and threw me back into the carriage. I had a lot of time to think about stuff during the drive back, like why I was wanted specifically to kill this 'Ion Brilliance'. Behold my amazing deductive powers. I could figure out from a name like 'Ion' that he was a science pony of some sort, and with Filthy's dealings with illegal drugs, that probably meant that this guy made drugs. Why would Filthy want somepony who makes drugs dead? Why do I care? A job is a job right? I guess the whole way of forcing me to take the job is making me question this stuff. I've never been kidnapped before. Normally ponies are too scared even to touch me, as if I have some sort of disease that will make them like me.

I mean like as in similar, not as in enjoy. Never speak with ambiguity, I've learned that the hard way before. Literal minded chefs are the worst kind of chefs.

I was dropped off in the general vicinity of the place I was staying at. The ride there was quite long, and by now it was pretty dark. I looked around at my surroundings, at the bustling city of Manehattan. The city was always full of life, ponies running back and forth to get to their mundane lives and jobs, not knowing nor caring to know what goes on in the dark alleyways, thinking that good nature is inherent to all ponies. I can see the gooey guts of this city, and it's gross. Like if you leave a peeled banana out for a year and its just a pile of slimy, smelly, fly covered goop that you think at one point used to be a form of foodstuff. That disgusting thought reminded me, I had to eat.

As much as I enjoy food, I often had spent too much money on other stuff, and didn't have enough for food, or forget that I have to eat at all. This leaves me in pretty bad physical condition, sometimes I'm too weak to strangle somepony or anything similar to that, and I have to use magic, which presents a problem when facing unicorns. I only know simple levitation and basic offensive magic, and many unicorns I faced knew some form of magic self defense. This meant I had to do something sneaky, like get them into a position so that I can drop a gargoyle statue or something like that on them, or just stun with a surprise magic burst and strangle them with wire. Gargoyles are cooler though. I probably should have learned more spells and trained physically, but I never seemed to have the time. Or maybe I was too lazy. Probably the latter, frankly.

I disguised myself as a particularly forgettable looking pony, save for the hat, which I don't wear during the actual jobs, and waded through the various city folk to make my way to a little café where I would eat something and look at my folder for this 'Ion Brilliance' character. I like my hat, it helps me have some semblance of a sense of identity, although it can often be somewhat conspicuous. At that stage, I wasn't a big enough menace to society for the cops to have scheduled changeling sweeps, so I didn't really worry that much about being found out. I walked into the café and sat down at a table, a waitress took my order, and brought it over to me. I paid with money from my hat. Hat pockets, gotta love 'em. I picked up my sandwich and took a bite. It was really good. I had just started to read through the information in the folder when I heard some loud yelling.

The yelling didn't seem to be stopping anytime soon and was bloody loud, so much so that it left me unable to concentrate on reading the file and eating my delicious sandwich. I groaned and closed the folder irritably then went outside to see what the problem was and if I could tell them to keep it feckin' down. There was a stallion standing on a ledge of a building.

Come on! Can't I enjoy a nice sandwich in peace!

"I'm gonna jump!" He yelled, nopony seeming to notice him. They all just walked on by carrying on with their daily lives.

"I'll do it, I swear!" Some ponies looked up at him and walked away. What was their problem? I stopped a nearby pony.

"That guy says he's going to jump, don't you care!?"

"I am really late right now, I'm sorry. I just have this meeting-"

I let him go and looked back at the ledge guy. Why was this guy attempting suicide, and why is nopony caring? I had made my descision. I was going to do something about this, and I was going to do it now!

"Feck off, you bloody eejit!" I yelled up at him.

"I won't! My life is over! I've caused so much pain for this city, and I can't live with myself anymore!"

I just realized that I had sympathy. Why are there so many concepts that one has to grasp once sentience arises!? What else did I have to feckin' internalize and bloody come to terms with before I am actualized!? Not thinking sucked, but intelligence is a pain too.

"What in Tartarus have you done that's so bad!?" A hint of concern was present in my voice despite my doubt about the poor bastard.

"I've ruined thousands of ponies' lives!"

Wait, what!?

"I highly doubt that!" I said, highly doubting that.

"It's true!"

I looked up at that dot of a pony, bracing himself against the wall behind him, the wind blowing through his mane. He was scared, but with a hint of determination.

"Stop being an attention whore! I'm sure that you contribute to society in some way or the other!"

"You...you really think so?" His voice was quavery, as if my words had been the highest degree of compliments and had moved him emotionally.

"Of course! And if you haven't, you can always start, you can help ponies!" I am a hypocrite.

"I've always tried to help ponies, and look where it got me!"

"Obviously, your intentions are better than mine, and you don't see me jumping off of a feckin' building for my sins!"

"That's because you're stupid!"

"Stupid is as stupid does, but I don't particularly have to be intelligent to realize that there is always a way!"

This silenced the jumper for a moment, and he looked down upon me from high up on that ledge of his.

"That was really clichéd."

"Well, I tried. Have fun being a stain on the street."

I turned around and started to walk away when I heard him start up again.

"Wait, please! Help me down!"

I smirked briefly, congratulating myself for this victory. Fortunately, I was in the form of a pegasus, so I could fly up to get him. I flew past the numerous windows of the huge apartment building, making my ascent to save the pony who I had talked out of suicide. It felt good, a certain warmness filled me, caressing my insides. Helping ponies felt really good. I hovered under him, and after a little bit of gentle convincing, well, frantic yelling and complaining, he hopped onto my back. Thankfully, he was light, so I was able to get us safely to the ground without falling and thwarting my earlier efforts.

"Thanks for talking some sense into me." He told me, avoiding eye contact.

"You look like you need a cider."

"....Yeah."

I took him into the café and got him a cider, he at down next to me. I continued to eat my sandwich while he drank his cider slowly, savoring the flavor. The alcohol seemed to cheer him up a little.

"I never caught your name."

"Hm?" I inquired with utmost elegance, my mouth full with the last bite of sandwich.

"I'd like to know the name of the pony who stopped my from ending my own life."

I finished chewing and swallowed.

"Names aren't important anyways." I said offhoofedly.

"I think a name is one of the most important things about a pony, but I won't pry," He took a sip of his cider and smiled subtly. "A name is one of the biggest parts of who we are, our Identity."

"Interesting."

"I find it kind of funny how something given to us, not even of our own creation, can play such an important role in shaping our identities and personalities. The name is an indication of the special talent, and many studies have looked into just how given names contribute to the obtaining of a cutie mark."

"I've always wondered why ponies often have names that describe their special talent."

"The most widely accepted theory is that the name actually plays a large role in the determination of the special talent, giving parents nearly complete control over their fillies' and colts' jobs and personalities. I, on the other hoof subscribe to a different theory."

"What would that be?"

"My theory is that there is a special type of magic that lies in parents that enables them to unconciously see what their foal's special talent is. I, personally, don't like the idea of ponies having absolute control over each other."

"I like that theory."

"I'm Ion, by the way." He offered me his hoof. I shook it.

Wait a minute.

"Brilliance is my other name. Ion Brilliance."

There are no words to express what I felt like when he said that.

Well, except for those.

I just sat and stared at him, likely wide eyed and slack-jawed. I probably looked really stupid by the look that he was giving me. Why did I make myself so obvious all the time? I need a poker face. Speaking of poker, I know I shouldn't play it now. I've lost a significant portion of my savings on that wretched game. Stupid chips and stupid cards and-

"Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm going dreat. I-I mean to say that wall is ell." Dammit, mouth! I thought we were friends!

"Are you drunk? You've barely touched your cider."

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Alright." Ion took another little sip of his cider, looking at me worriedly.

I needed to distract attention from myself, get him talking, I needed to think things through.

"So, err, tell me about yourself."

"Um, Okay." He cleared his throat. This was going to be a long boring story, isn't it?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Anyways, he started to tell. "I am an experimental chemist, I graduated with a doctorate from Canterlot University. I don't like the doctor title, so I don't use it. I find that ponies treat you differently if they call you doctor. I have a wife and two kids-" He paused and sniffled. "I had a wife and two kids. She left and took both. I haven't seen any of them since."

Oh sympathy, how I hate thee.

"Why would she leave you? You seem like a nice enough guy." I inquired.

"She found out that I was involved in less than legal activities and packed up and left the next morning. Not a goodbye or warning to speak of." He wiped a tear from his face and took a large gulp of cider. "That was a week ago. The research facility I was working for got budget cuts, and I was let go. I just needed the money to feed my family!" Tears steamed down his cheeks, and he didn't bother wiping them away.

How was I supposed to feckin' kill this pony if I felt so sorry for him!? What the hay was I supposed to do?

The alcohol seemed to get to him after his last gulp, and he broke down sobbing. He looked so weak and pathetic, right there in front of me. I was expected to kill this pony. This pathetic blubbering mess of a pony.

I couldn't stand for this, I wasn't going to kill this guy. What would Filthy do to me anyways? Kill me? Feh. Not likely.

"Are you okay, Ion?"

He sniffled and smiled at me weakly. "..Yeah." He wiped his face with a napkin. "Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I don't really have anypony to talk to now."

"All that happened last week."

"Yes."

"You can't just let her go."

"Wha-What!?" He stammered out, surprised at my statement.

"You need to find her, and explain yourself!"

"What if she doesn't care about my intentions?"

"Then stop making-err doing whatever illegal thing you were doing! Get a different job, do something!" Almost slipped up there.

"You're-"

"Take charge! Pull yourself together!"

"I- Bu- She- Oh, alright. I don't have anything to lose, right?"

"That's the spirit! ....I think,"

He just sat there for a moment, staring at me expectantly.

"What the hay are you waiting for?"

"I-um,"

"Feck off!"

Ion stood up and started to trot away from the table. He turned around to face me, his eyes intense, all previous uncertainty washed away.

"Thank you, and I hope that we meet again sometime, Stranger."

He wouldn't recognize me.

"Not until you've talked to your wife, that's for bloody sure."

I watched as Ion Brilliance, my former target, walked outside into the moonlit street, confidence in his stride. I sipped my cider. There was only one thing left to do now.

I was going to put an end to this.

Thousands of lives were ruined because of the drugs Ion was forced to manufacture. The drugs being readily available in family friendly market chains. There could be only one way to stop it, and that was to cut off the head of the beast.

I had to kill Filthy Rich.

I had to find out where he lived, which wasn't too hard. The history of Barnyard Bargains were printed on glossy, colorful posters in the front of the store, just through the doors. Apparently the Rich family played a large role in the foundation of Ponyville, a somewhat rural town just south of Canterlot, and is still located there to this day.

What did I want to gain from this act of murder? Not money, I wasn't paid to do this, as I took it upon myself, and not power, I had no interest in trying to control a drug empire. Was it justice? I don't know. Without Filthy Rich, I figured, the world would be a better place.

Since when did I care about bettering the world? I dunno, but I was set on this idea and incredibly stubborn.

The train ride from Manehattan to Ponyville took the rest of the night and part of the next day. I would chronicle my exploits in public transportation to you, except they weren't the slightest bit interesting, and would probably make you fall asleep if you aren't asleep already. On that note:

WAKE UP.

I arrived at Ponyville around midday, the sun hung in the cloudless sky like a.... comparison... in a.... thing. The town was small and quaint, and had a pleasant, amicable quality to it. It was also quite colorful, especially compared to the dull, grey concrete that Manhattan was made of. The town smelled faintly of apple pastry.

I wandered around for about an hour, making sure to stay in the shadows in order to avoid being noticed by anypony. I stuck with my current form, towns like these were generally close-knit, and they would spot an impostor quite easily. I wanted this done swiftly and to leave as quickly as possible.

The house was not very hard to spot, it was huge, so it stuck out quite badly. Crime rate here was absurdly low, not counting monster attacks, so I heard, so I assumed that there probably wasn't some high end security system that I had to deal with. A quick survey of the perimeter from inside nearby trees confirmed this thought. I watched the house's windows for hours, looking for the right place and time to make my move.

I carefully observed Filthy Rich through the windows, trying to figure out a pattern to his behavior. Possible places to strike were the living room, office, kitchen, or if I waited long enough, the bedroom. I ruled out the bedroom because one, I was impatient, and two, I might be noticed if I was in the trees for too long. His visits to the office were too short and random for that to be an option. He only settled down once in the living room, I thought that I should have struck then, but I didn't know how long he would stay there at the time. I would strike in the kitchen.

Filthy was going through the icebox, pulling out bread and some jars of jelly or something. There was my chance. I flew up to the window, opened it and entered. Filthy shut the icebox door and looked at me wide eyed.

I shifted forms.

"You."

The look in his eyes was at first of confusion, and then of sheer terror.

He dashed for the exit, I hit him with a spell, immobilizing him. He fell to the ground limply. I used all of the little strength I had to lift him up with my forelegs, and used his momentum to slam him headfirst into the icebox.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Finally, with a sickening thud, he ceased living. I slumped down against the blood stained icebox next to him, breathing heavily.

Something was at the door, I turned my head to see a small filly at the doorway, her face plastered with an expression of fear, shock, and despair. Tears ran slowly down her face, leaving trails on her fur. From the look in her eyes, what she'd seen was a monster.

Her father had gone into the kitchen to make her a sandwich. How was she to know that he wouldn't be coming out?

...

Did I help to better the world by ridding it of Filthy Rich?

No.

What did I think I was, a hero?

is dat cornstarch in yo ass coz dat plot is thick

Barnyard Bargain's drug dealings continued on as if nothing had happened. It was simply a shift in management, Filthy Rich was nothing, just a replaceable leader. He didn't matter.

Except he did.

He was a father, and a loving one, it seemed. He mattered to his daughter, relatives, and friends.

I didn't brood over that fact for very long, despite realizing fully the implications of taking such a life. I rationalized it, I thought it was the right thing to do. I kill ponies anyways, and they have families and friends who care about them. I guess I've never actually seen the results of my actions in person before that. I don't know what I learned. I don't know if I learned anything. I just know that I should have.

Damn.

That was feckin' bleak. I never want to have a character defining moment ever again.

So, there was this heist thing.

I was the inside pony, naturally. I took the identity of a guard who was 'mysteriously' overcome with a bad case of the pony pox, and manipulated ponies until I would be stationed in front of the right exhibit at the right time.

Sirens blared, it had begun.

Guards ran past me towards the painting that was triggering the alarm, pushing museum visitors out of the way, who were running towards the exit upon hearing the alarm. I didn't follow, my job was here. I smiled to myself a little, it was kind of funny. The glass case in front of me shone, polished to near perfect clarity by the cleaning crew, the exhibit was made to be seen. I walked around and quickly found the little metal security panel on the back. I guessed it was for opening the case if the exhibit needed to be moved, but I didn't care. I punched in the code and the magical device glowed a dim green, accepting the code. The other ponies involved in this robbery met me at the exhibit and began carefully removing the glass panes, they didn't want to damage the precious object inside.

What were we stealing, you ask?

A feckin' skeleton.

A big, mean-ass looking skeleton.

Why? I didn't feckin' know.

They took apart the skeleton and carefully placed all the bones into bags, making sure that it looked like they were carrying a bunch of camera equipment. When they were done, I changed into a museum visitor I saw earlier and followed them out the museum doors. I squinted at the sun that was suddenly bombarding my eyes with its blinding rays of light. The others yelled for me to get into the carriage that was parked outside. I ran and got in. The ponies in front galloped forward, taking us away from the museum.

"That went smoothly." I said, leaning backwards and undisguising myself.

"I suppose it did." One of the thieves agreed.

A few minutes passed with just the sound of galloping hooves and spinning wheels. I grew bored quickly.

"Why did we steal a prehistoric fossil anyways?" I inquired.

Another thief groaned and looked at me wearily.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"No. Should it be?"

"Why won't you just be quiet? Your mouth flapping is giving me a headache." She quipped, rubbing her temples in an exaggerated manner.

"I'm curious and bored."

"Shut up, changeling!" You would not believe the amount of time in my life that is taken up by people trying to shut me up. I am proud of my achievements in the fine art of annoyance.

"I'm not talking that much!"

"I could easily kill you."

"So could I. Kill you, I mean. Not myself. Although I suppose that would also be easy-"

"What can I do to make you stop?"

"Answer my questions."

A groan.

"Think, you dimwit. Why would any sane group of criminals have a need for a museum exhibit?"

"You guys are sane?"

That elicited a facehoof from the my interlocutor.

Wait, sorry, I'm the interlocutor. I get my terms mixed up occasionally, my apologies.

"I dunno, to take the exhibit hostage?" I guessed.

"We would just take some gems or a painting if we wanted,"

"Then why the bloody skeleton?"

"Somepony else wants it,"

"Who would-"

My question was suddenly cut off by the booming sound of gunshots suddenly erupting from in front of us and the abrupt deceleration of the carriage. The horrid sound resonated outwards, sending ponies scattering away hurriedly from its source. The ponies inside the carriage, including myself, tumbled towards the front end, scrambling up and dashing out of the now toppled vehicle.

I pushed the pony who was talking to me earlier off of me, her pained eyes staring at the hole in her forehead before glossing over.

I didn't know her. I don't care.

I'm dying inside.

We ducked as gunshots came from the weapons our pursuers carried, shoving our way through the crowd of terrified ponies. I don't like guns. They're too loud to be effective at killing somepony and getting away with it.

One of the group tripped on the sidewalk ledge, his hooves falling under him and crashing into the cold ground.

I didn't look back.

A scream, a gunshot, and a wet splattering noise. It probably wasn't someone dropping food.

Idon'tcareIdon'tcareIdon'tcare

We ran, trying to find a place in which we could hide from the ponies who so rudely interrupted our carriage ride. We made a sharp turn into a nightclub, running by the bouncers and momentarily losing our pursuers.

It was disorienting, the sudden transition from the relatively quiet outside to the throbbing, bass-heavy, strobe-lit inside. The crowd of ponies were dancing their hearts out to the electronic music. It seemed to shake my innards with every beat, and I was suddenly glad that I was not epileptic. Our pursuers followed us inside and started searching for us, a pegasus one flying up to get a better look. The ponies who were chasing us were dressed in tight black clothing and wore plastic face masks that were white and featureless, save for a large black dot in the middle. The guns were attached to belts that were strapped over the shoulder of each pony. We moved into the crowd, hoping that we were obscured by the dancing ponies and colorful strobe lights. We hoped that they would not notice us, and just look elsewhere.

Nope.

The pegasus told something to another of the ponies, seeming to be their superior, and they nodded to the others. The ponies fired into the crowd, muzzle flashes lighting up the dark, sending chunks of metal into the flesh screaming partygoers. Sparks flew up from the lights above, and they came crashing down to the floor, the bulbs shattering on impact, sending glass flying in every direction. I dove behind the DJ's table and held my head under my hooves. That's when I noticed the DJ looking at me, I must have been undisguised. She was paper-white with an electric blue mane and obscuring sunglasses. Her back was against the table. Even though her eyes were covered, it was fairly easy to read her because of her body language. Her name was Vinyl Scratch, better known as DJ-PON3, her first album would be released in a week. I would become, for a lack of better terms, well acquainted with this mare later on.

The music stopped with an electric crash.

"Bad night, huh?" I understated, hiding my own fears under a smirk. Why did I say that? I don't know to this day.

I flinched as a bullet ricocheted off of the metal table behind me. Vinyl just stared at me. I just realized that I was undisguised.

"What? Never seen a changeling before?" Stuff was just coming out of my mouth without me wanting to say it. Soon after I spoke, she was on top of me, squeezing my neck as hard as she could. When she realized that strangling me wasn't going to work on account of my rigid exoskeleton, she resorted to bashing my head against the ground.

I know what it feels like to be an egg. I am turned off of eggs for life. I used to like eggs before Vinyl Scratch. Now whenever I see one, I think about my head cracking, and I throw up.

All of a sudden, it was quiet. The rest of the ponies had left the room, it was just the oddly dressed gang members' hoofsteps, and the rhythmic thudding of my head against the tiled ground. They were coming to kill both of us, and they were taking their time.

Vinyl lifted me up one more time, and I gabbed her by the neck, pulling her towards the ground. She was quite stronger than me, so it was just a matter of time before she would get back up and start banging my head against the ground again.

"If you want to get out of this alive, you have to stop." I whispered harshly.

She looked at me incredulously through her opaque shades.

"And you expect me to believe this?"

"Kinda, yeah."

She pondered for a moment before answering.

"I s'pose I'd be dead either way."

"Just stay here."

I shapeshifted into one of the masked ponies, I was able to mimic the clothing due to its tight-fitting nature, but the illusion would not stand up upon close inspection. I was glad it was dark. I stood up and pulled the turntable set off of the table towards me, it crashed to the ground and Vinyl glared at me. I came out from behind the table and walked towards the masked ponies.

On the ground lay around twenty dead. Six of which I recognized as my teammates. None made it out. One was still alive, dragging himself along the floor, leaving a trail of blood behind. One of the masked ponies laughed and walked over to him. He dropped his weapon and turned the half dead pony onto his back. The masked pony laughed at the broken pony's pained attempts at squirming away. It was the most pathetic thing I'd ever seen. The masked pony picked the weapon up again and bashed the pony in the leg where a bullet had hit it. He shrieked, but continued trying to escape. The masked pony, seeming content with the pain caused, aimed at the victim's head and ended his misery.

I gulped and cleared my throat. All eyes were on me.

"All clear. I got the changeling."

I looked at the rest of them and half-faked fear.

"Wait a minute. Weren't there five of us?"

They looked around, counting themselves. They turned their heads towards me. One of the ponies pointed at me.

"Get it."

Well, that went perfectly.

This has happened before. I have been chased by ponies with firearms countless times. I knew how to lose ponies by then. That's the story of my life right there. Being chased. All the bloody time.

I get a feeling that everything that I do, somepony has done it before. As if I'm not unique. Well, I'm not, but that's not my point. What is my point? I dunno. Why did I even say that there? Damn, I'm starting to ramble.

So yeah, I got away eventually.

That was my first encounter of many to come with this particular criminal organization of masked ponies and with Vinyl Scratch, who, as you will come to know, was much more than just a simple DJ. From here, strange things began to happen, and not the kind of strange where you found an old toy you had fifteen years ago on the ground of some restaurant you went to for the first time. More like when you picked up the toy it exploded and a train ran into the side of the restaurant, and in the train, there weren't any ponies, just identical copies of the same toy that exploded in your face... and they all exploded. Twice.

No, this doesn't actually happen.

Or does it?

DUN DUN DUUUN

I'm Not A Doctor, But I Played One

Reality is confusing, ponies try to explain it as best as they can, but ultimately any attempt at explaining the universe is futile as nothing can truly be proven by any method. Science can disprove some things, but not all things. Maybe it's that way because reality isn't real. Think about it. Could this world just be data fed to your brain as some sort of sick experiment? Your brain would not be able to tell the difference between stimuli caused by magic and real stimuli,or maybe everything we know is just some hallucination or dream of some pony somewhere out there, and we'll all be gone as soon as they snap out of it, or maybe we are all just programs in some big-ass computer simulation, we would be programmed not to know we are programs, so there would be no way of knowing.

Frankly, I can't wait until the singularity happens, hyper-intelligent supercomputers would make better choices than you and I. I just can't see one being powered by steam and magic.

No, I don't know how this one ties in with the series of events that you are about to learn of. Just hang your disbelief from a flag pole once more and try enjoy the story.

I've heard quite a few ponies hate hospitals. The walls are stark white and the place smells strongly of antiseptic. I hadn't ever been to a hospital before, any injuries sustained were fixed by black market doctors or by disposable magic charms. I now understand what the complaining was about.

Why was I in a hospital?

A job, of course.

There was a delivery of an experimental type of medicine to the Ponyville hospital, and I was to steal some. Just one sample, it would be so simple to get a sample, and I had ample time to obtain it, but as you would have come to expect, I found some way or another to buck it up.

So, this is what happened.

The sky was clear and the air was crisp. I heard the rhythmic knocking of hooves and the rolling of wheels across the paved road. Three stallions pulled along the armored vehicle before stopping at the restrooms. They would have been pulling it for six hours straight by now, and this was the only rest stop for miles. I was sitting in a bench in front. I lowered my newspaper. One stallion would untie themselves and go to the bathroom at a time. What they would not be expecting was for one to be replaced by an exact duplicate. One walked into the empty bathroom, I took the appearance of a mare considered notably attractive and waited for a minute or so before following him in. He was washing his hooves and adjusting his helmet in the mirror.

"Ahem."

He looked down at me, slightly startled.

"Your armor. Remove it." I said.

He turned his head at me, perplexed.

"May I ask why, Ma'am?"

"I do love a stallion in armor." I fluttered my eyelashes at him and laughed in my head.

"Then why do you ask me to remove it?"

I fumed silently, putting effort into not showing it. Ponies with this kind of job are always are incredibly stupid.

"Fornication. Copulation. Coitus. Playing Pattycake. Making Love. Sex!"

"Oh."

We stared at each other awkwardly. He looked at me, and then his eyes shifted away, pretending to be interested in the stalls behind us. He scratched the back of his head with a front hoof.

"Yes, quite. Erm, take me now, and such similar phrases." I spoke, making flippant circles in the air with a dainty hoof.

"Ma'am, I have very important duties to-"

"STOP STALLING AND TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN ARMOR." I snarled and shifted back into my insectile default with a flash of green magic. His eyes widened in shock.

The stallion screamed, fell backwards and began to flail his legs in an uncoordinated, to say the least, attempt at self defense. I thought these guys were supposed to be well trained. The screaming was exactly what I wanted to avoid by taking this particular approach. I kicked him in the forehead to knock him out, it took a few blows, but I got it eventually. I stripped him of his armor and put it on as quickly as possible. One of the other ponies pulling the armored carriage called out to his comrade.

"I heard screaming! Has something happened?"

I went into a stall and stood on the toilet. I kicked a ceiling panel out of placed, threw the unconscious stallion over my shoulder and tried to push him up into the ceiling space, I missed and his head hit the ceiling, sending me falling towards the ground.

"No, um, a lady came into the wrong room, is all!"

I inhaled sharply and lugged the limp stallion back over my shoulders.

"Get out here already! I feel like I'm gonna explode!" The other yelled.

I forced him through the space where the ceiling panel was, and pushed him into opening.

"What's taking you so long!?"

I replaced the panel and ran outside. I tied myself to the armored carriage and let the poor guy go to the bathroom. From the look on his face you could tell he wasn't exaggerating when he said he could explode.

Can somepony explode like that? Hmm...

No, probably not.

Six-hundred eighty-two words without going off-topic. Is that a new record?

...

Is it?

...

Erm, anyways...

We waited for a few minutes for the other guard to get out. The time passed slowly, I occupied myself by looking at pictures in the clouds. Ooh, there's a noose, a gun, a knife, a splatter of blood, a physical manifestation of everything that has ever haunted me, the ever present clawing pain of the realization of- oh! I see a puppy!

About five more minutes passed and he didn't come out.

"We have a schedule to follow! Get your ass out here!" The guard shouted at the one in the bathroom.

My feckin' ears rung. He's got lungs, that one.

Why was this gobshite taking so bloody long? I was getting a little afraid it might have been because of a mistake I've made. I make a significant number those.

"I'd better go check on him." I said, unlatching myself from the harness.

"Yeah, you do that."

I walked back into the bathroom, knowing something was wrong, but hoping that I was just being paranoid.

I wasn't.

The door on one of the stalls was broken to reveal two unconscious stallions and a broken ceiling panel. The world was actively working to rustle my jimmies. Consider my jimmies rustled thoroughly. That's an expression, right?

What were the chances that he would use a stall, and choose that particular stall? Like, one in ten?

Eh.

That's actually pretty believable.

I looked at the two ponies in front of me and facehoofed. What was I supposed to do?

I struggled to push the unarmored stallion back into the ceiling panels, and did my best to make sure he didn't fall out again. I'm not entirely sure what happened to him afterwords. I suppose he got out eventually, but I feel sorry for whatever poor bastard who discovered him after he fell out from the ceiling panels. I took off my helmet, filled it with water and splashed it onto my fellow guard. That didn't work.

"Clean yourself up, and let's go, we have a schedule to stay with!" I yelled at him.

That didn't work.

I slapped him a couple of times.

That worked.

He shook his head and looked at me oddly.

"Did you fall on me?"

"Are you okay, do you have a concussion or something?" I tried my best to sound sincere.

He looked around and scratched the back of his head.

"Er, no. Let's go."

He washed his hooves, and then followed me outside to the carriage.

Behind the carriage were three ponies in ski masks. Could they be any less inconspicuous?

"Hey, guys." I said, pointing towards the obvious would-be robbers.

We beat them up until they ran away and continued to pull the carriage towards Ponyville Hospital.

It was about two hours longer until we got to the hospital. Waiting for us at the hospital were a bunch of hospital staff, ready to help unload the delivered items. We opened the doors to the carriage and began to unload. We stood, passing the crates onto ponies with wheeled carts, and they headed off to wherever they were needed.

A problem occurred to me, how was I supposed to steal a crate if we were passing them along? I couldn't just pick one up and run away. They were really bloody heavy.

Only hospital staff, like doctors and nurses could take any out.

I had to become a doctor. Or, y'know, a nurse.

"Excuse me, but I haven't gotten my shipment of the new medicine yet." A stallion with ridiculous poofy orange hair and a surgical head mirror broke my train of thought.

I looked at him, he looked back at me.

"I know that your lowest common denominator blue collar brain can't possibly comprehend that Dear Celestia, a doctor in a hospital?" The doctor pony put up his hooves against his cheeks in mock surprise. "I thought that those were the kinds of ponies that mommy and daddy wanted you to be, but all you wanted to do was read your stupid comic books instead of studying, in the hopes that some day, you'd be discovered by somepony famous, because you're oh-ho-ho so naturally talented, but it didn't happen, did it? You're stuck with this crap job with hard long hours and low pay. Now that you are trapped in this dead end, you might as well, instead sitting there of gawking at me, here's an idea: Do your job!"

"You're perfect."

"How about we stop stating obvious things, and you take this crate into the supply closet near my office. Does that sound good to you? Because I truly care about your opinion."

This was going to be fun.

I had duct taped him to the chair his office, he squirmed and raged, trying desperately to curse me out through the confines of the neigh-indestructible (ha ha) tape and strangle me with his sheer glare.

"Listen, buddy. It was either this or knocking you unconscious and leaving you in the morgue, which, I'm not a doctor, but I played one once," I took his shape and grinned. "-and I can tell you that being knocked unconscious is not healthy for the brain. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some medicine to take."

"MMMPH!!"

I walked towards the door.

"Like, take as in steal." I added, turning around quickly before stepping outside.

I locked him inside and went to the supply closet to retrieve what I was looking for, and was stopped by a nurse. Her light blue eyes glared at me for a split second before she spoke.

"Where do you think you're going?"

White fur. Pink hair.

"Um-"

"Your patient, Winter, has been waiting for you for over an hour, what the hay are you doing?"

"I, uh-"

"What are you waiting for? Let's go!"

This was not going to be fun.

Author's Note

Hi.

Sorry it took so long, it's because I'm a distracted, lazy arse, rather than actually having things going on in my life and not being able to work on this. Also, the Steam summer sale.

Don't worry, it gets better next chapter. By better, I mean worse for the main character.

I'm doing a fic that takes place in the same universe as this one, focusing on Vinyl Scratch. It's called 'The Collector'. It helps me to have two things to work on, so if I can't think of anything to write for one, I could just work on the other. Also, one will give different perspectives and more details about the other, so check 'The Collector' out.

So, thanks for reading.

Medical Jargon

"She's going into cardiac arrest!"

"Clear!"

An electric current ran through the patient's body and she convulsed.

"How did this happen? She was perfectly healthy when I ran the standard tests!"

"I don't know, I just walked into the room!"

Somehow, my medical abilities were so null that my first patient almost died not a minute after I stepped into the room.

That's probably a world record.

...

Or something.

The nurse from earlier pulled me out of the room and gave me a glare.

"Do you want to tell me what's up?"

"Uh, the ceiling?"

She slapped me across the muzzle.

"Could you try to not be a smartflank for once in your life?"

Need to get out of this. Think. Think. Think. Think.

"Yes. I'll try that now." I grinned widely, sweating and shuffling sideways.

"Over there." I turned around quickly and galloped away from the nurse to somewhere else in the hospital.

Just grab the meds and go.

I took a turn into the hallway where the supply closet was, running as fast as I could. I knew impersonating a doctor for too long would lead to my inevitable discovery, and another failure on the long list of failures I've already had up to this point. Failure. FAilURE. Heheh. 'Sone of those words that sound funny when you say 'em too much.

I was running, I saw the door.

I tried to turn.

My hooves skid against the ground, kicking up into the air, flipping me over onto my back. My body slammed against the white tiled floor. The smell of soap filled my lungs and my ears registered a sloshing sound.

I lay there, groaning in pain when a face appeared in the corner of my vision.

"Floor's wet." He said.

The janitor pony stood over me, staring down at me with unconcerned eyes and a pleased-with-himself grin.

"Don't you have signs for that?" I asked, attempting to stand up and my hooves failed me, stretching outwards and sending my face back down into the soapy floor.

"Yup."

"THEN WHY DON'T YOU USE THEM!?"

The janitor stallion thought for a moment.

"Because watching doctors like you slip and fall is funny."

"UGH!" I screamed through clenched jaws, forcing myself up back into a standing position.

I took tentative steps towards the door, trying not to slip up and fall again. I saw the janitor pony out of the corner of my eye, he was leaning on his mop, a satisfied smirk on his face. He picked the mop up with his mouth and continued his work on the floor.

Bastard.

The door to the supply closet swung open. I searched the room for the new medicine, and found none. It must've been in demand, and I took to long to get here or something, but the point is that there was none of this new medicine in the supply closet.

Now seems like a completely stupid time to explain what this new medicine was.

It was called Lecheniye, developed in Stalliongrad, it was a cure for a magical ailment called Lava Plague that was becoming an endemic. Lava Plague is exactly as feckin' menacing as it sounds, it slowly turns ponies into stone, and when they are fully petrified, they melt into lava. Lecheniye is a new medicine, and new medicine is worth a lot on the black market.

You think Equestria could have some normal feckin' diseases.

No, we have to have stupid shite like bloody Lava Plague!

Wait, if that kind of disease is a common occurrence, then how do I find it abnormal?

....

Feck.

....

Well, anyways.

I ran off quickly in search of another supply closet. I wanted to get out of this wretched hospital. All of my surroundings blurred together into a homogeneous smear of identical hallways, frenzied faces and the faint fetor of antiseptic as I ran down endless corridors with numbered rooms. Was I going in circles? Were the chemicals messing with my head?

The next few hours or minutes or whatever blurred together, but I'll attempt to piece together what I remember.

"I'm removing the tumor now."

"Err, doctor, that's not a tumor."

"Then what did I remove?"

"OH DEAR CELESTIA IT'S EATING ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT OH CELESTIA AAAAAHHHH!!!"

"THE BLOOD IS EVERYWHERE! SO MUCH BLOOD!"

"WHY THE BUCK IS THERE A GIANT BUCKING SQUID IN THE BUCKING RECEPTION ROOM!?"

"What is this?"

"That's a spleen."

"Where's it supposed to go?"

"IT'S IN MY BRAIN HURRAAARRGLAB!"

Ugh, never mind, I'll skip to the important stuff.

Just as these thoughts passed through my head I bumped into somepony.

We crashed into the ground, sending whatever the other pony was carrying flying in all directions. The faint hum of unicorn magic filled my ears.

She smelled familiar.

I looked at her, she didn't look like how she did back in the nightclub, her mane was green, tied up and hidden under a cap, she wore a stupid bushy mustache and her eyes were covered with a different style of shades. It was obvious up close, but from a distance one probably wouldn't be able to tell. For me, there was no mistaking that I had collided with none other than Vinyl Scratch.

"Shit! I mean, uh-" Vinyl cleared her throat and deepened her voice in a poor attempt at disguising it. "I apologize for running into you, I'll just be on my way."

"Hey, could I get one of those?"

She looked left and right.

"Uh, no." She grinned widely and started backing up.

What did a bloody DJ need with the drug? Did she think she could get high off of it or something?

"Why not?"

"Uh, they're mine."

"They're yours."

"Yup." Her grin grew wider and her forehead started sweating.

"I need it for... uh... a patient."

I looked at her.

She looked at me.

Her eyes narrowed and she waved her hooves at my face slowly.

"These aren't the drugs you are looking for." Vinyl Scratch said as she ran away with the one thing I needed to obtain for this job.

"Hey! Get back here!"

I scampered after her through the sprawling labyrinthine corridors of the bewilderingly voluminous hospital.

It seemed bigger on the inside. It looked quite a bit different on the inside, actually. The hospital had a rustic, gable-roofed look with warm colors on the outside, but the inside was modern and annoyingly, bleakly white.

She lowered her head and sped up, gaining distance from me rapidly. She was fast.

Vinyl turned her head to the left, and I prepared to make a left turn closely after her.

She ran down the corridor to the right, her hat flying off and attaching itself to my face. I pulled the hat off just in time to run straight into the glass window of a doctor's office. My face and hooves were smashed against the glass. The doctor looked up at me from his papers with a bespectacled glare. My body peeled from the glass with a comical stretching noise and collapsed backwards onto the floor.

"Pppffftt HAHA AHA HA!" Vinyl took a sharp inhale and threw herself to the floor. "HA HA HAHAHA-"

She took deep inhales between fits of giggling and stood over me, her face entering my field of vision.

My eyes crossed and there were two of her.

"Uh, dude? You okay?"

I felt the blood rushing to my face, turning a bright red as my scowl deepened.

"GIVE ME A DAMN VIAL." I felt as if I was shooting steam out of my nose.

"I'm sorry doc, I'm afraid I can't do that."

With that though she ran away once again. Now I was mad as hell.

"I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

A green light encased me and I changed back to my default appearance. Ponies screamed and ran in all directions. The hospital became a melting pot of madness before my bloodshot(?) eyes.

My insectile wings unfurled themselves and I shot after Vinyl. She looked up at me.

"I knew you seemed familiar!" She smirked, "Thanks for the whole life-savey thing. That was rather nice of you."

Vinyl swerved past a cart, it toppled over and fell on top of the pony pushing it. I flew above the wreckage.

"You know how you could pay me back?"

Vinyl looked at me inquisitively.

"Can I get you a coffee?" Hmm, I could use a coffee. Gah! You know what caffeine does to you! Not now, chase scene.

"Give me a vial!"

Vinyl turned into the stairwell, I narrowly avoided smashing face-first into the wall.

"I said no!"

She turned with the stairwell, and the vials slammed into the side of the wall, some vials slipped out, i positioned myself to catch it, but Vinyl caught it first with her magic.

"Why not?"

"WOI NAUT!" Vinyl mocked.

"Stop it!"

Vinyl sped around the corner, passing a floor.

"STOOPIT!"

"I don't talk like that!"

"OI JOON'T TAWK LOIK TAHT!"

"AAARGH!"

Vinyl opened her mouth to reply, but closed it, and scrunched up her face in thought.

"Um, hm. No, that sounds the same."

We were approaching the roof of the building rapidly. The door was in sight. I mustered all my strength and tackled her. Our entangled forms slammed into the door, knocking it open. Vinyl kicked upwards with her back hooves, flipping me over onto me back. Damn, she was strong. Vinyl got up, brushing dirt off of her with her hoof, sending dusty clouds floating in the air. The vials, coated in a light blue glow floated around her like moons around a planet, the sun reflecting off of them and lighting the ground with an odd pattern. She stood over me, looking down at me from above, her stupid mustache fell onto my forehead and her sunglasses slid down the bridge of her nose, revealing her glaring magenta eyes.

"Catch ya later." She grinned and walked to the center of the roof.

I got up and lunged after her, she kicked me in the jaw.

"I just need a vial!"

"Tough luck, buddy."

She didn't turn around, she just continued to walk.

"Where the hay are you going?"

As soon as I asked that question, a blinding pillar of red light shot from the sky onto where Vinyl was standing. There was a low hum and the pillar, Vinyl with it, suddenly blinked out of existence. When I say blinked out of existence, I mean suddenly, without fanfare or a flash of light, the pillar and noise just stopped.

Yeah, I dunno either.

I'm fairly certain that happened, but as I go on, I begin to question my sanity. Some things, in retrospect just don't make any sense, so trust me when I say this; that was not the weirdest thing to happen by a long shot.

Light glinted off of the falling vial as it spiraled downwards in a collision course with the hospital's roof. As soon as I noticed this, I dove to try to catch it before it inevitably shattered on the hard concrete. As it turns out, that concrete was a really rough surface, and had too much friction to slide across. So instead of a dramatic slide, I basically just fell on my stomach and watched helplessly as the vial fell. Something somewhat unexpected happened when the vial hit the ground. It exploded, and in the smoke, there was an image of a skull with red glowing eyes. It caught me off guard, to say the least. It should also go without saying that one should pay attention to their surrounding area before deciding to recoil in horror. I thought as I found myself hurtling off the edge of the hospital, spinning too quickly to catch any wind and fly.

I was really glad that I landed in a tree instead of on the sidewalk.

I wasn't in the mood to be goo that day.

Author's Note

I'm just getting worse and worse with the amount of time it takes for me to update, aren't I? Gawd. The random tag comes in to play with full force in this one.

A Clockwork Apple

... What the flying buck just happened?

Sleeping in a tree really sucks, well pokes, rather.

Uh, Yeah. I'm gonna talk about something more... coherent.

Here's an odd one.

So, after the big mess with the hospital, news got out that a changeling was on the loose. It wasn't confirmed for sure, but a few ponies caught a glimpse of me as I ran wildly through the halls. I needed to be more careful, and try not to go insane.

A few days later, I got a letter addressed to me from a Cog G. Apple. She wanted to hire me for some reason. I wondered why my services were required, I'd never heard of Cog Apple doing anything illegal. She was the CEO of Clockwork Industries, a company that... I really don't know, Clockwork Industries did a lot of things. They manufactured trains, published books, sold trinkets, manufactured weapons, and I'm sure many other things. Just not actual clocks. A rather misleading name, methinks.

They were basically the ACME corporation, except not in a cartoon.

I read way too many cartoons.

Escorted by her giant, burly, and somewhat intimidating guards, I entered Cog Apple's office. It was furnished with polished oak furniture and flooring, and had a big window on the left wall. I could see the entire building looking down from it. The earth pony mare was a pale green with wavy blond hair, her eyes a deep emerald green. Atop her head sat a slightly undersized top hat. Her eyes were slightly wrinkled, indicating a somewhat matured age, but she carried a foalish energy to her, though she didn't seem innocent like a foal. The area around her desk served as a display to moving trinkets of all sorts; there were Neighton's Cradles of all sizes, eternally spinning gyroscopes, an endless variety of dizzying kinetic sculptures were all moving rhythmically with a constant clinking. My eyes followed metallic spheres in their parabolic paths, it was all rather dizzying. Cog was sitting behind the desk, watching me intently.

"Hello, my dear acquaintance!" She greeted enthusiastically, gesturing with a hoof towards a comfy looking chair.

"Please, take a seat." She pulled it outwards, smile wide. Her eyes glimmered with anticipation, as if she was meeting some big movie star. Most ponies look at me with vague apprehension, sullen dejection, excessive frustration, or, if I'm lucky, an annoyed glare. The sparkly-eyed thing was new.

"Make yourself comfortable, I had my guards leave, you can show yourself now."

The room flashed green briefly as I reverted to my default appearance, and adjusting my hat, I sat down. The seat was very plush and just as comfortable as it looked. She took a large bottle and two cups out from somewhere under her desk. Uncapping the bottle and tilting it downwards, she filled the two small cups with a frothy golden liquid, capped the bottle, and neatly slid it under her desk. She slid a cup towards me. The amber liquid fizzed appealingly in its glass.

"I'm sorry, I don't drink." I could get quite intoxicated by a glass that size. Saying that I can't hold my liquor is an understatement of an understatement.

There was this one time I was talking to this rich guy in a Canterlot bar who kept on giving everyone free beer, and I was drunk after one mug, so I didn't have the judgement to stop accepting mugs. My speech was so slurred, it sounded like another language. I eventually blacked out and woke up on top of the tallest building in Equestria, stuck in a glass lift. Imagine being stuck in a glass elevator on the top an absurdly tall building looking down on a city that stands on a mountain. Don't ask how I got out. Seriously, don't ask.

"Ah yes, changeling biology, I reckon?"

"Yeah, something like that."

Cog took a swig from her cup, some of the froth sticking to her lips like a fluffy white mustache before she licked it off.

"It's a shame, right here's some of the best cider in Equestria."

"I'm sure."

"I think I have some non-alcoholic cider somewhere, I could have some sent in for you."

"Thanks, but I don't-"

Cog pressed a button on her desk, and a microphone floated down on glimmering magic tendrils.

"Can you bring our guest here a soft cider?" She spoke into it. The microphone was pulled back up into whatever ceiling compartment from which it came.

She sat back in her chair, putting her front hooves behind her head and her legs crossed on top of the desk. She studied me with those ever effervescently effusive emerald eyes of hers. Her smile was polite and warm, but her eyes were somehow simultaneously snakelike and juvenile.

"Do you know what I do in my work?"

"You, uh-"

"I create, my friend, I create. What do I create, you ask?"

"I-"

"I create progress. I create the future." She leaned forward dramatically, removing her legs from the desk, her pupils dilating. "I envision a new world, with bright, hardworking ponies all working together to even further progress this world's technology and culture."

"That's-"

"Our species is evolving, my associate. We are becoming something more than mere ponies, we are no longer individuals, but members of a whole, a vast collective consciousness. The society, our society."

"What are you-"

"This is our destiny. We make progress towards it with every waking moment. Every time something is invented, every time a new generation is born, every decision we make brings us closer. Still, there are those who, er," Cog Apple's face became an emotionless slate. "Oppose this, this progress. Our progress. My progress. That is where you come in."

A red light began to flash on her desk, accompanied by a repeated sound, that I may make an onomatopoeia of: boink.

Cog's ear twitched upon hearing it.

"Do you hear that?" Cog put a hoof to her ear, leaning close to me from across her desk. "That's the sound of scientific progress."

"Scientific progress goes boink?"

Cog turned behind her just as a sucking noise, not unlike the sound made from lifting one's foot out of mud except extended for around thirty seconds, was emanated from the transparent glass tube behind her. Ew, mud. A capsule shot out of it, knocking Cog off of her chair, sending her bouncing off of her desk. Cog's hoof reached up and she pulled herself back up. Her hat was somehow still in the same place it was before.

"I'm still working out the kinks." said Cog, placing the glass capsule on her desk. "I had a vacuum transport system installed. We're using it transport things around the office for now, but I envision it being used to transport ponies around a city."

She twisted the capsule, which hissed, and from it, she pulled out a bottle of non-alcoholic cider.

She poured me a glass and continued speaking.

"I'm giving a speech tomorrow at around noon to my customers, investors, the press and potential investors."

I picked up the cider, swirling it around in the glass, looking at the way it distorted Cog Apple's face. It was like a funhouse mirror, stretching her face upwards into a thin line, and flattening it into a wide plate.

"There will be an attempt on my life at that time."

I sipped from the glass, the sweet taste of the cider wetting my taste buds. It really was good.

"You know this how? If you don't mind me asking." I said, placing the cider back on the table.

"My special talent is... finding what makes things tick. Due to that, I can understand the machinations of any system, including the machine that is the bureaucracy of business." She paused, thinking before starting up again. "Everypony in this bureaucracy is corrupt in some way or another, myself included, obviously indicated by my discourse with the likes of you. Ponies in this will resort to any means to get money and power, even if it means ending a life, an important life. Money and power, power and money. MONEY AND POWER, THAT'S ALL THEY BUCKING WANT!"

Ow, shouldn't have asked.

Cog inhaled sharply, startling me slightly.

"Hahah. Hehe. B-Bucking-..." She exhaled.

Cog Apple had turned red, she stood up with her front hooves slammed into her desk. It was rather startling. She sat back into her chair, taking deep breaths and calming herself. Slowly, the red in her face washed away and with it, any signs of her previous rage.

"I do apologize, that topic really gets me upset." She took another deep breath. "That's not to say I don't have money or power, in fact I have a great deal of both. Alas, these commodities are necessary for what I wish to accomplish. I am going to introduce something to Equestria. An affordable public airborne transportation system. Those in the transportation business will not take kindly to the competition, and one of my employees has already leaked what I'm doing. I haven't found out who, or to what company the information was leaked, but I know for certain that there is a problem. The company, or a large shareholder in the company, a member of one of the mobs, I'm sure, will want me dead. Without me, Clockwork Industries will crumble, or stray from the path I intend it to take, for my successor is young and is not prepared for this responsibility yet."

"Ok, so what do you want me to do?"

She leaned back in her seat, tapping her chin in thought before leaning forward with an intense look in her eyes.

"I have certain beliefs, that not many else share. The way I see the world is from an... evolutionary standpoint. Any living being who dies must have some... trait. A trait that ultimately led them to their death. So, when they do die, whatever trait they carried that caused them to die is eliminated from the gene pool. Anypony who dies was destined to by nature. Not only that, but they make the pony race better because of it."

This mare was insane, and this is me talking.

"You would condone genocide because it would better the race!?"

She chuckled.

"Oh no, of course not. That would reduce the population size too quickly and not give us time to recover. Here, look at this ant." She pointed at an ant making its way across the desk.

"It is insignificant. It is so small compared to us that nopony would care if something were to happen to it. Its colony? There are thousands of ants in a single colony, so do you think that a single ant would care if I were to-"

Cog lowered her hoof slowly, so that it would hover just over the ant. The ant was engulfed by her hoof's shadow.

"-do this?"

Cog pressed her hoof into the spot on desk slowly. I watched in horror as the ant's legs crumpled underneath it, its exoskeleton cracking open. Cog pressed slowly, all of its insides were being forced up into its head, and then, its head popped. The ant's insides were splattered against the desk. An antenna gave a dying twitch before flattening against the desk. I normally would not have batted an eye if someone squashed a bug, even if I am kind of a big-ass bug, but somehow when Cog Apple crushed that ant, I felt as if she was crushing my insides through my eye sockets.

Cog smirked coolly, her eyes locking with mine. I felt shivers go down my spine, as if the room had dropped ten degrees. Wait, I heard a whirring, the room actually did get cooler.

"I want you to stop my would be assassin, and I want you to bring them to me. Alive, at first."

Author's Note

Wow, an update!
In under a month!?
Who do I think I am? Philip K. Dick?
...
No, my icon is not a spoiler.

Thanks to Abyss for proofreading!

Scientific Progress Goes Boink

Any allocated alliteration allowed always attains an absolutely astonishing allure... albatross.

Ahem.

Alright.

A crowd of ponies looked onward at the giant wooden stage in front of them. Ponies shifted around in anticipation, and conversations sparked throughout. Mist burst from the stage, and Cog appeared before the audience, a wide grin on her face and a microphone at hoof's length. The audience clapped politely and murmured, while Cog bowed deeply.

"Helloooooo, Fillies and Gentlecolts!" Cog's voice emanated from the speakers.

"You have no idea how happy I am to be here today." She took a deep breath before speaking again. "I'm having trouble staying professional, just fighting the urge to sing!" A few ponies laughed.

"Gah, buck it."

Audience members shared bewildered glances as a full orchestra suddenly lifted from beneath the stage and started to play.

Hey, you lovely folks, It's Cog Apple here

and, I just have to tell you that I'm an engineer.

You see, we solve problems in your daily life

Why must we always deal with so much daily strife?

Here's a problem for you:

Isn't long distance travel always such a fight?

It doesn't have to be that way, am I right?

I sat from atop the roof of one of the nearby buildings, searching for any signs that the assassin was around. Briefly, I wondered if anypony had done just what I was doing right then on one of my previous jobs. Yeah, probably.

The crowd started to get into the song, stomping with the beat and cheering. Sure, it was corny and unconventional in business announcement type events, but Cog Apple was anything but a conventional individual. It was a bit jarring, thinking back to it. One second she was ending a tiny life to prove a crazy, homicidal point, and the next she was singing a cheery song to a crowd of eager ponies.

Now, a little tidbit about song in general. The oral tradition of spontaneous song dates back to long before Luna and Celestia ruled over Equestria, historians claim. Equinologists say that it stemmed from a mating ritual in the early development of speech in equine species. A pony with good vocal chords was a pony in good health, and in turn was good partner for making a baby with was the ancient thinking. Later, coordination with other ponies while in song became a factor. Most ponies become flustered if the theories behind spontaneous song are explained to them. I'm guessing that the idea that such a common public occurrence stemmed from a mating ritual is a bit awkward to consider. Well, a lot awkward. Like, elevator awkward.

Have I mentioned I hate elevators? Well I do, with all their dumb unspoken social codes, tight spaces, and security magic watching, scanning with unblinking eyes, always just about to notice me...

I started tapping my hoof to the beat of the song, it was pretty damn catchy.

After the song ended, there was a low humming noise that reverberated throughout the area. A massive gold colored object rose dramatically from behind the stage, slowly revealing more and more of itself. This was Cog's airship, a massive vehicle that looked like a large, sleek boat attached to two enormous balloons with propellers. The crowd looked on in awe.

Cog grinned madly.

"This is The Ursa. My masterpiece. It is the biggest, fastest, safest, and first commercial air travel vehicle."

I looked through my binoculars at the enormous vessel. It's edges gleamed as it eclipsed the sun, casting a shadow on the mass of onlookers below. As it grew larger in my view, I noticed a silhouette standing on top of the balloon. The figure seemed to be looking into a sniper rifle. Cog was right. I pulled on the rope that would raise the red flag, signalling Cog to cut her presentation short.

"Enough from me, now for some of the ponies who worked on the construction of The Ursa." Cog said before hurrying offstage.

I flew as quickly as I could over to the airship, being careful to stay behind clouds so that I couldn't be spotted by the sniper. I set foot on the airship, barely catching myself before slipping off its slick exterior. The sniper seemed to hear my hoofsteps, as their ears perked up. From the distance, I could see the sniper in greater detail, they were dressed from head to hoof in a black suit, with a sort of ninja mask. They quickly packed the gun up into a bag and began to run away. I shot after them rapidly, fast enough to make my eyesight blur and my eyes dry out. I considered shooting out a stun spell, but it would probably slow me down, and my aim wasn't great anyways, so I continued forward. Just as I was close enough to grab them, they dissolved into thin air. I fell onto my stomach, sliding across the airship's surface. The pony reappeared behind me, and ran in the other direction. Just feckin' how were they doing that disappearing shit?

I turned around and galloped towards the disappearing pony, and once again, just as I got close, they disappeared. My ears twitched, I head something, a faint buzzing sound, like a fly near the ear. I turned towards the source. A patch of air shimmered in my view. Gotchya. I lunged after the invisible pony, tackling them down. They slipped out of my hooves, and ran to where a ladder was. I galloped after them. They climbed down the ladder and threw open the door to the cockpit area, I followed as quickly as possible.

"Hey, you can't come in here!" I heard the pilot shout.

"Sorry!" The invisible pony replied.

"Woah, a changeling!?"

"No, I'm just the... local... airship... uh, hygiene inspector. Yeah, that."

"I could've sworn that I saw a changeling. Sorry to bother you sir, you can get on with your inspecting, now."

The sniper galloped down the hallway, passing row after row of red cushioned seats with windows, and I chased after. They ran behind a set of curtains, and closed them in my face. I fumbled with them for a second, and eventually got them open, only to find that nopony was behind them. I sighed, exasperated.

"You're above me aren't you." I stated flatly.

"Eep!"

I looked up to see the invisible sniper with their limbs stretched out and wobbling, trying to stay clung to the ceiling of the aircraft, before falling on their face in front of me.

"Hehe, uh.. hi." The pony said, standing slowly and rubbing the back of their neck sheepishly.

"What was your plan in all this? Are you stupid? You're an earth pony, what are you doing up on an airship with no way down!?"

"Kind of a funny story actually..." They said, their voice was soft, high pitched, and lightly accented.

I pulled the pony's mask off, revealing a whitish pink young mare with brown eyes and a half blue, half green mane. She flinched, her eyes closing for a second, and her head moved downwards. She had this innocent look in her eyes, and I found it strange that anypony with eyes like that would do something as horrible as killing somepony. She must have been manipulated or something.

"You're just a damn kid! What are you doing with a bloody sniper rifle!?"

"I'm a really good shot. Shame that I don't look it, innit?" She said earnestly. Maybe not...

"Ugh. I'm gonna let go of you now, just know you have nowhere to run, lest you want to plunge to your messy, untimely death out of an airship door."

She scurried to one of the seats and sat down. I went over the pilot and told him to land the airship, to which he complied, he had to land in a few minutes anyway. I went back to find the mare still sitting in the same spot, looking out the window. I sat down in the row across from her. She turned to stare at me with wide eyes as I sat down. The quiet hum of magic filled the air.

"You're a changeling!" She blurted out.

"No shit."

"I mean, I've seen changeling goons before, but they don't think for themselves. You seem, like, intelligent."

"Yeah, smarter than you, evidently."

"You don't have to be so bloody mean, you know."

She pouted a little bit, and stopped staring at me. A moment passed.

"So," I asked. "How did you end up on the airship?"

Her ears perked up slightly.

"I was hiding in a box, waiting for a good moment to run, and some ponies loaded me on board. When I popped my head out of the box, I was a hundred feet in the air."

"That is kind of funny."

"I know, right?"

Another moment passed.

"How were you disappearing out there?" I inquired.

"It's the suit, it has a neat-o little enchantment on it, it only lasts for a few seconds and has a pretty long recharge time, but its definitely useful."

"Oh."

"So, are you gonna kill me once we land, or what?" The sniper asked.

"No, I'll just take you to Cog."

"Then, she'll kill me."

The ship landed and I heard the door open and somepony step inside.

"I'll try not to let that happen."

"Why do you care at all? You're just one of Cog's minions."

"Hey! I'm a freelancer! This is a one time thing. Cog scares me, anypony who wants to kill her, however dumb they are, probably has good reasons to do so."

"What? I 'm not-"

Cog walked through the isles towards us, and the sniper stopped speaking abruptly.

"Bravo, changeling. You've done well. I thank you. Come along, and bring the assassin with you." Cog said, turning around and trotting in the other direction. "Oh, and tie 'em up." She tossed me some ropes.

We walked and the sniper was carted into a dark room under the stage. Cog lit a few gas lamps, and the room was illuminated dimly. Cog pulled up a chair and had me tie the sniper to it. The ground rumbled slightly, and the sniper glanced left and right worriedly.

"Okay, first things first. This will all be so much easier for everypony if you'd just tell the truth immediately." Cog began, walking in circles around the chair. "Who do you work for?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm not authorized to to give you that information." The sniper replied.

"Really, the first question? You mess that up?" Cog massaged her temples. "Changeling, there is a hacksaw on the table to your left."

The sniper's eyes widened immensely and she began sweating.

"Really!? She's just a kid! Can't we do this in a more civilized manner?"

"I'm actually a stallion." The sniper interrupted.

"Wait, what? You're- Ugh! You're really not helping your case here! I don't want to see you killed, at least not like this!"

"I stole his wallet when you brought him in, his student card says his name is Taffy Trickshot Sweet, he's male, and graduated from university just last year." Cog chuckled. "I guess I still have some skills left over from my kleptomaniac years."

"Why in Celestia's name did you bring identification to an assassination!?" I yelled.

"I'm not trying to kill anypony! And do you really think Cog here would care weather I'm a filly, a colt, a stallion, or even a damned foal? She's a psychologist certified sociopath." She, er, he asserted. "Oh, and thanks for trying. I see that the changeling has grown a heart of its own, you even wear a hat to show that you are an individual rather than just part of the mindless masses! That's adorable! Can I hug you when I get out of these ropes?"

"No."

"Aw..."

Cog looked increasingly impatient with the both of us as we spoke.

"Now that that's over, if you aren't here to kill me, what were you doing on my Ursa with a sniper rifle!?" Cog questioned.

"I can't tell you that, but I can tell you who did come to kill you today."

"Who?"

"Typhon."

Cog sat down and gazed at the floor forlornly. There was another rumble.

"What's Typhon?"

Suddenly, the ground rumbled and shook all of us violently, a hole was ripped in the ceiling, and a ball of fire shot through. We all ran towards the wall behind us to avoid burning to death, I was pulling Taffy's chair with me. The door swung open to reveal an angry, bruised and singed blue and white DJ.

"Celestia bucking dammit, Taffy!" Vinyl shouted. "You wont believe the shit I had to go through just to get here to save your ass!"

"Sorry!" Taffy cried.

"You!" I shouted.

"Yeah, me! I saved your life at the hospital, and you kidnap the kid to repay me!?"

"You saved my life!?"

"You don't remember!? Your seizure and hallucinations, the giant squid!? Ugh, whatever! I don't have to deal with this." Vinyl walked over to Taffy and cut his ropes. "And you're coming with me, you little shit."

"I said I was sorry!"

"I don't care! We just have to contain this thi- DAMMIT!" Vinyl was cut off by a giant, scaly black claw grabbing her and pulling her up through the flaming ceiling. "Not again! BUCK YOU!"

A deafening roar reverberated through the area, and I heard the scream of the crowd outside. Taffy ran over to where his rifle was and began assembling it. He grabbed his mask.

"You should run, I'll be busy detaining the monster." Taffy said, before putting on his mask. He ran over to me and hugged me. I batted him away with my front hooves.

"With any luck, I'll be able to hold it off long enough for you to run." Taffy disappeared into thin air. "I wish ye luck and good fortune!"

It was around then that it dawned on me how batshit insane my life was, and wondered vaguely if it was going to continue to be this strange, or if it would calm down eventually. At that point it also dawned on me that I should move out of the way of the jet of fire headed in my general direction.

I dove to the side, and Cog did the same in the opposite direction. A patch of ground between us burst into flames.

"We have to get out of here."

"I agree wholeheartedly."

I ran to the door and swung it open. Behind it was a squadron of ponies wearing white masks. I slammed the door, and held it shut.

"Uh, Cog?" A bullet shot through the door, narrowly missing my body. "Could you throw me that chair?"

"Alright."

Cog threw the chair to me, and I stuck it between the knob and the floor and backed away. There was repeated banging on the door, slowly loosening the chair from its position. I looked hurriedly around for something else to barricade the door with before looking up at the flaming ceiling.

"I'm going to fly out the ceiling."

"And leave me here to die?"

"That's the idea."

Cog pulled a shotgun from the table behind her. I should have really thought that through better.

"I'm afraid, while I can sympathize with your motivation," There was a bang on the door. "That I can't let you do that."

Cog's eyes were bloodshot, and she wore an unnerving toothy grin.

"Fine! I'll carry you!"

"How do I know that you're not going to drop me?"

The masked ponies burst through the door and swarmed inside.

"You have a shotgun."

"Oh yeah..."

Cog grabbed on to me and I took off. Bullets flew through the air near us, and light flashed from the hole we just flew through. Two masked pegasi took to the sky in pursuit.

"Point me at them!"

"I don't want to lose speed!"

"Do you want me to shoot you?"

I turned around, and Cog pulled the trigger on the shotgun. There was a flash of light and a loud bang, and then massive recoil. We were propelled backwards, and the flesh of one of our pursuers was torn from their bones, and they spiraled towards the ground, landing near a leg of the towering beast that grabbed Vinyl. It turned its head towards us and roared. An enormous claw reached in our direction. I sped up out of its reach, but the other masked pegasus was not as lucky.

I landed some distance away from the scene, letting go of Cog and dusting myself off.

"Beautiful," said Cog, marveling at the horrifying scene.

The once great stage was a wreck of smoke, ash, and flame, and the ground was littered with the bodies of the ponies who couldn't make it. In the center of the catastrophe stood a giant, it looked like a scaly minotaur with a mass of snakes for legs and great flaming eyes.

There was a green burst of smoke, and the colossus screamed, swaying back and forth before collapsing to the ground, shaking the ground beneath our hooves.