Comedy QuickFics (AKA: This is where I try to write something funny.)
Date Night- Vinyl and Octavia
Vinyl was ecstatic. Not only had she managed to get a date with one Octavia Von Clef, it was actually going quite well. They had arrived at the restaurant Vinyl had booked their reservations at with ample time to spare, and Octavia had been pleased with Vinyl's decision. They made small talk after their order was taken, and Octavia was greatly impressed with Vinyl's knowledge of the classical music which she was so fond of. Vinyl was completely enraptured with the mare before her. She was beautiful, intelligent, and as dinner went on, Vinyl discovered that the air of superiority that most of the Canterlot upper class put on was all but nonexistent with her.
As Vinyl hesitated over the after-dinner drink, Octavia intervened to say, “Oh let's have sherry over brandy, by all means. When I sip sherry, it seems to me that I am transported from the everyday scenes that, at the time, I may be surrounded by. The taste, the aroma, they bring to mind -for what reason, I know not- a bit of an airy nature, like I'm flying up in the clouds with the pegasi, free from my earthly constraints, while below me, there lies a hilly field dotted with wildflowers of all kinds, bathed in Celestia's soft sunshine. This brings to my mind a kind of warmth, peace, and serenity, a dovetailing into a... a beautiful entirety. Brandy, on the other hoof, makes me fart.”
Golf- Mr. Cake
Mr. Cake was retiring, having left Sugarcube Corner in the capable, if hyperactive, hooves of Pinkie Pie, and it occurred to him that he should take up golf as a means of diversion. One morning, therefore, he made his way out to the green, a new bag of clubs and caddy, Caddyshack, in tow.
“Caddy,” said Mr. Cake, “I've never played golf before. What do I do?”
Sighing softly, Caddyshack said, “You take the club, hold it with this end, and hit the ball with the other.”
“Where should I hit it to?” came the reply.
Caddyshack pointed to a flag a good distance away. “Do you see that flag? There is a hole underneath it. The goal is to get the golf ball into the hole in as few swings as possible.” Mr. Cake nodded. Carefully, he stepped up to the tee, took a mighty swing, and heaved the ball high into the air. Straight and true, it made its way to the green in a graceful arc.
Stunned, Caddyshack cantered onto the green and up to the flag. There, nestled in the hole, was the ball. “A hole in one...” he said, dumbfounded.
Mr. Cake trotted up, picked up the ball, and turned to Caddyshack. “So, what next?”
“You move on to the next hole.”
And so they did. Another swing, another mighty heave. This time, the ball hooked somewhat, rebounding off of a tree sharply and bouncing its way toward the hole. His heart in his mouth, Caddyshack all but galloped to the hole to find that, yes, it was another hole in one.
Completely unperturbed, Mr. Cake scooped up the ball and proceeded toward the next hole. Caddyshack, too far gone for words, merely followed.
A third swing, and once again, the ball was sailing through the air, arc its way toward the flag. It fell slightly short though, and rolled its way until it stopped at the very lip of the cup.
Mr. Cake took one look at the ball, shrugged, and said, “Oh well, a beginner is a beginner.”
Guard Life- Shining Armour
A scant few weeks into his guard training, a young Shining Armour sat at a desk, furiously writing a letter to the ruler of Equestria, Princess Celestia, detailing all of the “injustices” and “evils” he was being subjugated to. At one point in the letter, he waxed almost lyrical-
“And the food, your Majesty, is what I can only describe as slop. I wouldn't feed it to the Diamond Dogs for fear that it would cause them to become sick to their stomachs and die. It would be rejected by any decent garbage pony. It's visually unappealing, smells disgusting, tastes of old socks, and to make matters still worse, they serve such small portions.”
Guilt and Innocence- Princess Celestia
Princess Celestia, ruler of the land of Equestria, was an enlightened monarch. On occasion, she would make it a point to visit the prisons in her kingdom and talk with the prisoners, for while they may be convicts, they were still ponies, and her subjects. It was during a tour of the Canterlot prison that revealed that her Majesty had a funny sense of humor.
As expected, as soon as she came into their vision, the prisoners would throw themselves to the ground before her, bewailing their lot and, predictably, their utter innocence of all charges brought against them.
One prisoner, however remained silent, and that garnered the Princesses curiosity.
“You, yes you there.” She called.
The prisoner looked up. “Yes, Your Majesty?”
“Why are you here?”
“Breaking and entering and aggravated assault, Your Majesty.”
“And are you guilty?”
“Completely guilty, Your Majesty. I deserve this punishment for my actions.”
At this, Princess Celestia rapped her hoof sharply on the ground and said, “Warden, release this prisoner at once. I will not have him in jail where he will, by example, corrupt all the innocent and wonderful ponies who occupy it.”
A Cruise- Lyra and Bon Bon
Wanting to get away from it all, Lyra had, with some urging from Bon Bon, bought two tickets for an extended cruise from Las Pegasus to a tropical resort and back again. Bags packed and carriage waiting, they made their way to Las Pegasus, staying overnight so they could enjoy some of the amenities the city could offer.
Morning came, and the two ponies found themselves in line to board the ship. It was when she was on the gangplank when Lyra was overcome with a strong presentiment of disaster. She hung back, and her partner asked her what was wrong. Lyra told her, and was surprised to find that Bon Bon admitted to having the same presentiment.
Without another word, they stepped out of line and went home. The cruise left without them, went and returned safely, and everypony on board had a wonderful time.
Sex Sells- SPJ and Dr. Dapples
A certain author, one Sir Peppermint Jam, had found, to his displeasure, that he was having trouble selling his most recent novels. He consulted a fellow author and good friend, Dapples, who said to him, “I'll level with you, Peps. You're just not up with the times. Novels these days are sexy, you know what I mean? You gotta have lots of explicit sex, or nopony is gonna read them. And let's face it, your novels aren't dirty enough.”
The novelist returned home and got to work. If it was sex they wanted, it will be sex they get.
Eventually, he brought a manuscript to his friend and said, “Well, how do you think this will do?”
Dapples leafed through the manuscript with a slightly bored expression, before returning it back, saying, “Sorry, Pepper. It's not bad, but I don't think it will make it. It's not sexy enough.”
“Not sexy enough? What are you talking about? Look right here! On the very first page, the heroine dashes out of the room and out into the streets wearing nothing but the laciest saddle imaginable, while the hero follows her in an explicitly described state of sexual arousal!”
“I see that,” said Dapples, “but look how far down the first page.”
Date Night 2: Electric Boogaloo- Vinyl and Octavia
The night had gone well, and Octavia, despite appearing like an upper-class Canterlot snob, was actually a friendly, if slightly eccentric, down-to-earth pony. She was everything Vinyl wanted, and then some. So when she asked if they could go back to Octavia's place for “coffee”, she was ecstatic when Octavia agreed.
She took Vinyl to a fancy apartment house in the best part of town and up to the penthouse. But when the door opened, there, in the middle of the living room floor, lay an enormous pile of filthy bow-ties. Octavia, observing the look of shock on Vinyl's face, said defensively, “Well, I never claimed to be neat!”
Author's Note
Oh hey. You made it to the end of this little...thing. Cool.
You know, I had something I wanted to write down here, but I guess I waited too long, because I forgot it.
Oh well.
