Twilight was a pony that loved mysteries.
They were what drove her to learn, to read, to research. They were what gave her the love of magic that she had. To say that mysteries were the driving force of her life would be an incredibly accurate statement. When the moment came that a mystery was solved, and a new answer of the world of magic was given to her, Twilight would cheer like the filly she kept deep inside her heart.
Yet there were always those mysteries that shouldn't be solved, questions with answers ponies wouldn't enjoy. Sometimes they were obvious, and readily avoided. Other times they were impossibilities, kept away from mortal minds by immortal hooves.
Then there were the mysteries that were solved, whose answers were obvious. Those were the answers that haunted a pony, that sat in their mind and slowly corrupted what they thought of the world, what they thought of themselves.
Twilight Sparkle was a pony that loved mysteries, more than she dared say she loved magic itself. She had just solved one that had given her an answer she never expected.
She wanted to take the mystery back and abandon the answer she had found. Forget about it like any filly would forget their times as a foal, something she would never have to think or consider again. That would only be too much of a blessing.
Unfortunately, she knew she couldn’t forget about it so easily.
She would be confronted with reminders of her discovery near daily, small sights, sounds, or messages that would doubtlessly tell her what she had found, and that no matter how far she ran, that knowledge would always be there. It was one of the few times, Twilight wished she wasn’t so intelligent.
Maybe then she could forget she was in love with Princess Celestia.
It was a warm day outside, blistering heat from the summer keeping most ponies from working out in the fields. The sun’s unforgiving rays punished any pony brave enough to endure its wrath. The shade of the trees and the conditioned air within the homes of Ponyville’s residents became safe havens. Simply put, work wasn’t something any pony was keen on doing today.
So Twilight Sparkle, personal student of the alicorn currently raining heat from the heavens, was stuck inside with her number one assistant. No ponies would dare brave the heat to find a book in her library, and just as likely would there be anypony brave enough to travel through this scorcher to return a borrowed novel. Being tardy was far preferred to a hospital bill from a heat stroke.
That’s why it was the perfect opportunity for Twilight to tell Spike what she was feeling for Princess Celestia. Just the two of them, alone, without any other pony that could voice their opinion. Just her and the one other being that had once met with the princess on a near daily basis, just one voice that would speak to her and help her organize her thoughts.
She was starting to regret it.
“Are you sure about this, Twi?”
Spike asked the unicorn for the not the first time, and probably not the last. She wouldn’t tell him to stop though. As long as she had someone to speak to, she wouldn’t be left alone with her thoughts. Who knows what would happen then? Instead, she kept herself curled on her pillow, letting her eyes only glance over at the dragon as he spoke.
“I’m sure,” Twilight spoke evenly. “I’m completely and totally sure. Sure as I am that I’m a unicorn mare. A mare in love with her lifelong mentor and ruler.” It was only too clear to any ear that heard her speech how much Twilight loathed what she was saying. Not hatred for Celestia, or even hatred for being in love. Twilight’s hatred was saved for herself.
“But I mean… how can you be sure?” The second question was little different than the first. But from his raised arms and squinting eyes, it was clear this situation was beyond what Spike was prepared for. “I mean, she’s been like a mother to you, right? You’ve been telling me that for years now! About how she would tuck you in, read you stories, and make sure you were well fed before she gave you lessons. It’s all the same stuff you used to do with me, and I’m pretty sure I’m not in love with you.” Twilight gave a small snort of laughter at the baby dragon’s comment.
“Thanks Spike,” she sarcastically let out, oddly thankful for the smile his words had given her. “But… it’s not the same.” Her hooves tucked themselves beneath her chest, huddling into herself like a foal who had just been told a scary story before bed. In all honesty, that’s what she felt like too.
“How come? I mean, I’m pretty sure that she sees you as a daughter.” The exasperated sigh from the unicorn was the response Spike was expecting. The words that followed were not.
“That’s the problem,” she admitted, turning over until she laid on her side, the pillow beneath her giving a pocket of warmth around her fur. “I don’t want her to see me that way. I don’t want her to see me as the filly she helped raise and teach and grow. I want her to look at me and see… a-and see a mare that adores her, that wants nothing more than to ensure that she’s happy not just with what’s she’s doing as a princess, but with the ponies around her as well.”
Her legs extended outwards, as if reaching for a far object she just couldn’t reach, just beyond the tip of her hooves and forever beyond her touch. She drew her legs back to her chest, shaking all the while.
“I… I guess…. I just want to be near her.”
“Is that love?” Spike asked honestly, walking over until he was by the unicorn’s side. “Just wanting to be by some pony you like? Twilight, you and the rest of the girls are like that all the time. Pinkie Pie can’t even go a few minutes without talking to somepony, even if it’s just the Cake Twins. I don’t think she loves everyone.”
“She’d argue with you about that.” Twilight retorted, twisting her head into the small plush pillow as she did so. She could feel the knots forming in her mane. “But I understand what you’re saying. But this is… it’s different.”
“Different how?” Spike either really wanted to know what Twilight was feeling, or he was tired of her moping around the library. Both seemed very plausible reasons for his questions.
“Different because… this…” Twilight’s hooves crossed over her chest, muzzle burying itself between her legs. She bit her lip as she fruitlessly tried to hide. Her lips opened and shut, trying to form words her voice wouldn’t speak. Her eyes remained half way closed, shutting occasionally just to blink. Swallowing on a heavy breath of air, Twilight finally gave her words a voice.
“It hurts.” They were spoken so quietly, Spike swore he must have heard her wrong.
“Huh?”
“It hurts.” Twilight spoke again, swallowing on ball growing in her throat. It only seemed to make it larger.
“It feels like my chest is on fire whenever I get a letter from her, a-and when I write back, I’m so nervous that my hooves shake too much to use. Then whenever I don’t hear from her, or she doesn’t write back to me, I want to fall onto my bed and cry and weep and let the world fall away. That… that hurts.”
Spike was silent, staring at the unicorn that had raised him with a slack jaw and disbelieving gaze. His tiny arms hung by his sides uselessly, watching the pony that had raised him without a word of complaint near sobbing at the confession she had spoken.
He couldn’t swear on anything in existence if he really believed Twilight was in pain at the thought of the princess. But, he could always speak honestly of what his own eyes had seen.
What he saw was Twilight Sparkle, one of the most gifted unicorns alive, ready to sob in front of him. It was a situation so foreign, so rare, and so dangerous, it was hard to say that any pony would have even an idea of what to do.
Spike, however, was her number one assistant. And as any good assistant did, he had a plan for helping mentor and caretaker. It wasn’t a sure fire plan, it wasn’t even well rehearsed, but it had worked almost every time in the past so far, so he couldn’t see a reason why it wouldn’t now.
“Why don’t you go talk to her?” The unicorn shot up like she had been burned.
“What!?” The question sounded more like a screech. The unicorn’s hooves pushed against the pillow she was laying on, catching on the material and sending her shocked form sprawling to the ground with an unceremonious whump. Terror overtook Spike for a moment, but it quickly subsided as Twilight regained her footing, standing straight, tall, and shivering, just a little.
“I said, why don’t you go talk to her?” Spike tried to make his voice as clear as possible. He was used to a worried Twilight, just not her being worried for this reason. Regardless, he had to suggest something.
“No, that’s… that’s idiotic!” She let out again, whipping her head from side to side as if to rid herself of the idea. “What would I do? Trot right up to the Princess of Canterlot and tell her I love her? Tell her that in front of all the guard ponies, all the ponies looking for a meeting her court, all the caretakers of the castle? It would embarrass her to no end!”
Spike heard something Twilight didn’t say.
“It sounds like you’re more worried about what will happen to her because of this.” Twilight’s wide gaze froze the baby dragon mid-step. It was deadly, but her irises looked like nothing if not ominous.
“Of course I am.” Her volume had lowered, but the tension in her voice had yet to release. “I… I love her. I care about how she feels, a-and what she wants. She has… has no idea what I’m feeling, and she’s fine as is. If I do tell her… if I tell… if I were to approach her about anything regarding this manner, it would jeopardize the relationship we already have. I. Won’t. Risk that.”
Twilight sounded determined. Unfortunately for the unicorn, Spike wasn’t quite done yet.
“But Twilight, think… think about what happens whenever you don’t research something.” That earned a raised brow from the furrowed eyes of the unicorn. So the dragon went on. “If you don’t at least tell the princess, then you’re going to be thinking about this for a long time. It’ll be just like the Smarty Pants incident all over again.” Twilight forced her eyes to look away from her assistant.
“That’s… a bit different, Spike.” The dragon was unimpressed.
“No, it’s the same.” He pointed an accusing claw at his mentor and caretaker as he went on. “When you find something interesting, you won’t let go of it. You’ve been like that since as early I can remember. It happened with Pinkie Pie and her Pinkie Sense, with that imposter Cadance, and Nightmare Moon’s return.”
“I was right about that one,” Twilight shot as soon as she had the opportunity. But, be it from his own growing wisdom or simply being too used to the mare, Spike spoke on.
“But you wouldn’t let it go. The whole time Celestia told you to go find friends in Ponyville, all you did was just obsess over the story.” Twilight bit her lip. “My point is Twi, this isn’t going to go away, and you’re not going to let it go. I’ve known you as long as I’ve known the princess, so I know that you’ll both be careful with this. I mean, do you really think the princess is the kind of pony to force you to confess something embarrassing in front of a bunch of other ponies?”
“Well…” Twilight trailed off, her vision avoiding Spike’s as her forehooves began to fiddle with one another. “No.”
“Do you think she’d do anything to purposefully embarrass or hurt you?” That earned more of a reaction.
“No!” Twilight’s shout was determined, much like her denial to see the princess. Spike was almost there.
“Then go see her.” It was clear from Twilight’s slack and weakly shaking jaw she still didn’t believe herself ready. That, or she was fishing for excuses not to go. Spike could hammer those away easily. “I’m sure she’d be excited to see you again. It’s been what, months?”
“She… sh-she’s probably far too busy to see me.” Raising a claw to his chest and the other in the air, Spike adopted a high pitched tone before he spoke again.
“Dearest Twilight” He began, earning a startled look from the mare. “I know that relocating to Ponyville will not be the easiest of your endeavors as my pupil, but I am confident that you will adjust well, and eventually, begin to learn the importance of friendship. But, if you are ever in need of my help, you have only but to ask.” Spike finished with a satisfied smile. Twilight was looking away again, blushing.
“She doesn’t sound like that.” Her voice was lower than a mutter, muffled by her fur and spoken in a whisper. Spike was glad his ears were sharp.
“Does it really matter?” He let out a small sigh. “Look, Twilight, I know you just told me this, but I know you’ve been thinking about this for more than just today.” The unicorn’s silence was enough of an answer. “You told me because you wanted to tell someone, but I know that just telling someone else isn’t going to be enough.”
“Spike,” Twilight began patiently. “You’re a little too young to be telling me about what’s going to happen in the future for what I feel.” Her words did nothing to shake the look of determination on Spike’s face.
“I told you about Rarity.” The breath froze in Twilight’s throat. “But I still think about her all the time.” The unicorn was without a response. “I know I’m just a baby dragon to you Twilight, but… but don’t you think it’s at least worth telling Celestia? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen. Realistically, what’s the worst that could happen?”
Spike had caught the unicorn before she could utter something as inane as “The Destruction of Equestria.” Honestly, with a bit lip and tired gaze, Twilight couldn’t imagine Celestia doing any harm to her, nothing aside from rejecting the unicorn’s… theoretical confession.
It was one of the most frightening things she could think of.
“Something horrible,” Twilight spoke, earning a pout from Spike as the words reached his serpentine ears.
“No, she wouldn’t, and you know it, Twilight.” He took a proud stance, crossing his little arms in front of his chest, gripping his forearms as his eyes took a look of strength upon them. He looked up to his elder sister, squinting his eyes until they were slits.
Spike looked cute enough to giggle at. Twilight proceeded to do just that. The sound deflated the dragon in an instant.
“Yeah, you’re right Spike.” She admitted, a ghost of a smile washing over her lips as she spoke the words. “You’re absolutely right. She wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. She’d… At the worst, she would just say no.”
“That’s right!” Spike cheered, as if he had just turned lead into gold. It brought another, wider, smile to the unicorn’s face.
“You know what,” She spoke with a little more conviction, a bit more strength. “You are right Spike. I can’t just sit here and do nothing about this. That isn’t the right thing to do.” Without waiting for ceremony to begin, Twilight trotted to the door of the library, head looking sideways at a far wall as she did. Quarter past eleven in the morning. She had plenty of time.
“Spike,” she called for the dragon, earning his immediate attention in the form of a salute. “I’m going out for a bit. I don’t think I’ll be back till later. Can you handle being alone for a while?” The dragon couldn’t nod his head hard enough.
“Of course! Besides, I’m not really alone.” His thumb jabbed towards a seemingly plain section of books. It took only a twist of her head for Twilight to see her faithful owl napping on his stand, head tucked into his shoulders and large eyes shut firmly. Thrice now, she smiled thanks to her number one assistant.
“Right,” she spoke easily. “Well, I’ll be back later. Thank you again Spike.” Twilight’s magic opened the door behind her, braving the wave of heat that ran over her fur as she did so. She prayed it would be cooler in Celestia’s presence. She doubted it.
“No problem! And good luck,” Spike said encouragingly. Twilight gave the dragon a wave before walking outside.
It was almost noon, but she could make it to the station in time. A quick train ride there and she would be able to speak to the princess. Then… then she’d be able to tell her lifelong mentor all about what she felt, how she felt, why she felt the way she did, and then wait for an answer.
The ball in her stomach only seemed to grow with every step she took.
Her hooves clopped across the stone with a resounding echo, each beat resonating within her ears. It didn’t help that the halls were empty of traffic, save a few guards standing at their posts. There were no cleaning ponies, eagerly tending to the tiles or art, nor any visiting ponies, hoping to meet the monarch in her court. It was just Twilight and Twilight alone walking to the grand doors she had seen so many times as a foal.
The path was familiar to her at least, having walked it an uncountable number of times before. But unlike before, those were for summons, or meetings, or other dire matters the princess had asked her help in, and Twilight had quickly obliged. Now, now she was the one initiating the meeting, and she only hoped it happened like she dreamed.
She shook her head at the thought. Her dreams were nightmares. She wanted to this to end like she wished.
Before the unicorn was aware, she was standing in front of the large double doors that guarded the main hall, flanked on both sides by golden armored knights. Their gaze was straight and unflinching, focused forwards and away from her, to Twilight’s slight relief. Still, the trouble wasn’t getting here. The real challenge waited just inside, past the large oak frame and into the court of the most powerful pony in all of Equestria. Twilight felt like kicking herself for reminding herself of something like that.
She slowly took in a breath of air, letting it fill her lungs and pushing her chest outwards. It filled completely, calming her frantic mind and relaxing her sporadic nerves. Slowly, she released the breath, waving her hoof forward as she did so. Once more she performed the action, breathing and releasing, waving and guiding the air. With each passing breath she felt just a bit more of her nervousness erode away. The trouble was, she would have to do this for hours before she was completely calm and ready to face Celestia, at least with the subject that she wanted to talk about.
Unfortunately for Twilight, she didn’t have that time, and she was well aware her monarch didn’t either. This had to be done, just like Spike had said, and no time was like the present, just as Celestia had told her years ago. And, like all of her friends had taught her, she needed to believe in herself just as much as she believed in others.
With one more deep breath, Twilight lit her horn and opened the grand doors.
The hall was no different than any other time the unicorn had ventured into it. Taller than she could ever image, wide enough to fit a dragon, and glowing like the surface of the sun. Every window still shown with an image of the country’s past, each stained and shaped to show the generations that would come centuries later the impact the past had made on the future. History within art.
It made sense that Princess Celestia would use this hall for her court. No other room seemed to suit her. Speaking of her, she was far from out of Twilight’s line of sight.
The regal alabaster monarch, tall and elegant as she always was, sat on her stone throne at the far end of the hall. Her head was tilted downwards, away from Twilight’s approaching form, no doubt reading some important document regarding commerce or trade with Equestria and the several border countries they interacted with. If it wasn’t the griffons, it was likely the minotaurs.
Curtains bearing Celestia’s flag hung from the walls beside her, flanking her position much like the Royal Guards did down the path leading to her. Each step on the red carpet leading to Celestia felt like a cloud’s surface, or at least Twilight thought as much as she stepped over it. It was either that, or the feeling that still vibrated through her hooves and heart at the sight of the great alicorn. It was always hard to tell which.
When Twilight was within a few ponies length from the throne, Celestia raised her head, letting her pink eyes fall on the unicorn. While Twilight felt heat rise to her cheeks, a smile seemed to elevate over the monarch’s lips.
“Twilight,” the princess spoke with a pleasant tone, horn glowing as she moved the documents in front of her side. “I did not think I would see you today, have I missed a meeting with you?” Twilight managed to overcome her temporary stupor to answer the regal pony.
“No! Oh, of course not. No,” she dismissed heavily, head shaking as she spoke. “I… I just wanted to see you, pony to pony. I mean… you did tell me that books and letters can only do so much, some things have to be learned through experience.” Her words earned a raised brow from the monarch.
“Oh, and what was it you were hoping to learn?” The question caught Twilight off-guard, freezing her in her hooves and leaving her still as a statue. Her eyes widened to the size of saucers and pupils dilated to the volume of beads. Breath refused to enter her as her mind denied her body function. She had no idea how to respond.
That was, at least, until she heard small, almost foalish giggling.
“Please relax Twilight,” Celestia spoke along her laughter. “I was only teasing you. Forgive me if my humor worries you, but it has been some time since we spoke without the fate of some life or country hanging in the balance.”
With a level of unease Twilight felt hard to quantify, she felt her chest begin to rumble, the vibrations of laughter shaking her diaphragm and forcing the air to move in and out of her with the shaky noise. Complete with a small that looked as if it was drawn by a filly, and her level of insecurity was complete. Celestia smiled down at her nevertheless.
“Now, Twilight,” the alabaster monarch began again. “What is it you wanted to discuss? I assume you have some reason more important than just a passing greeting?”
‘Wise as always,’ Twilight thought as she let the words fill her mind. It brought her plan to the surface, the quick and hastily assembled set of sequences she had devised along the short train ride and even shorter walk to the palace. It was her plan though, and she intended to follow it.
“Actually I wanted to speak to you,” Twilight phrased her words carefully, making sure not too much of her nerve-racked anticipation seeped into the words. “Alone, actually.” The request gave Princess Celestia a moment of pause, but was quickly followed with the same regal smile and glow she had showered the pony with since her times as a filly.
“Of course.” With a few waves of her hooves, and a nod of her head, the soldiers that lined the halls all simultaneously let their hooves fall the floor, shaking the stone in the process. Then, their brief ceremony complete, they trotted in perfect unison from the hall, spears rising and falling with each stride they took.
Their path was a brief one, but practiced nonetheless. They walked forwards from the walls they stood in front of meeting at the center of the red carpet. Then the pairs twisted with one another, looking towards the door that Twilight herself had just entered from. Marching step in step with one another, they trotted from the halls, and eventually, out of hearing and sight. Twilight recognized the hum of Celestia’s horn before she saw the mighty doors glow and shut.
“And now, we’re alone.” Celestia concluded simply, smile never faltering as she spoke. Twilight checked off the first step of her hasty plan. The next was just as simple, but no less important.
“Princess,” she spoke carefully, again ensuring her voice didn’t betray the emotions she was feeling. “Could… could I speak to you about something… personal?” Again, just as before, Celestia paused as Twilight posed her question. This time, however, she did not smile shortly after. Instead, her eyes grew curious and mouth firm, as if she were expecting some form of terrible news. Twilight wished again that she would not take it that way.
“Of course, Twilight,” Celestia answered, voice never betraying her kindness. “You do not need to ask me to speak of such matters.” What the unicorn wanted to do was breathe a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, she couldn’t do that until this was over with. It was far from over.
“Good, that’s good.” She answered back to the monarch, her jitters beginning to bleed into her words. “Just wanted to make sure. Avoiding confusion and all. Mixing words is bad enough when their meaning is taken the wrong way, right?” The question spoke more for her mindset than any narrative she could ever write. Celestia read her like a book.
“Twilight, my precious student,” the alabaster monarch spoke sweetly and loving, standing from her throne as she did so. She descended the few steps that separated the two, walking until she towered over Twilight, as she did to all ponies of her court. “Please, tell me what ails you? If it is something that I can aid you with, I will do all that I can for you. You know this.”
“Yeah, yeah I do.” Twilight let out a nervous chuckle, unsuccessfully breaking the tension between the two. If anything, it made the air thick enough to be palpable. Regardless, the second mark was set.
Now… now came the hard part.
Twilight swallowed on dry air, trying to wet her tongue before she spoke. Her lips felt numb, throat hollow, and legs weaker than paper. She felt like she had after every dream with the monarch in front of her, every heated meeting to sweet embrace she imagined in the endless abyss of her own personal world. Now though, this wasn’t a dream.
This was reality, and it was waiting.
“Princess, Celestia,” Twilight spoke, a break clear between the monarch’s title and her name. The aged alicorn watched on. “I’ve… I’ve been having dreams and thoughts for the past few months that have been… distracting. They’ve kept me from my studies and constantly nagging me with ideas that I had almost never considered before. But recently, they’ve become too strong to just… blissfully ignore.” The unicorn dropped her gaze for a moment, attempting to regain what semblance of her composure that she could. It did little good. Raising her head to meet Celestia’s gaze, she continued.
“I’ve… I’ve fallen in love Celestia. I really, honestly love some pony. Not just a foalish crush or passing fling. I… I feel for… for her like nothing I’ve ever felt before.” Twilight’s hoof rose to her chest as she spoke. “Her happiness, her joy, her sorrow, her duty, I want to be there to experience it all, to help her with everything, to be there not just with her, but for her.” Celestia made neither motion nor comment as her young protégé continued to refer to the love of her life as a pony of the same gender.
“That pony, your highness,” Twilight gave her face the most hopeful smile she could manage. “Is you.”
The thick air solidified, freezing the royal alicorn and gifted unicorn in place.
They stared at one another, one with a forced expression of hope, the other a mask of no emotion. No smile, no cheer, no sadness or fear. Just a straight line over her lips and half lidded gaze of her eyes. The silence around them deafened their sensitive ears. The stagnant air beginning to taste fowl.
“Twilight,” Celestia finally spoke, breaking the silence like a hammer against glass. The unicorn looked up at her with an almost childish appearance of eagerness. The princess had to swallow once before continuing.
“Twilight,” she tried again, voice full an emotion Twilight didn’t want to hear. “I am pleased and honored to be the first subject of these feelings from you. To hear a confession from you, of love deeper than that of friendship, truly does warm my heart.” Twilight could hear the rest of the sentence already hanging from the edge of a cliff.
“But, you must know that this would, and will, never work.” The hopeful and dream-like expression across Twilight’s cheeks slowly began to fade. Eroding until only calm acceptance remained. Celestia spoke on. “I am an immortal, living for years that soon will exceed the need to count, shackled to a duty that only I can perform, and will always perform. You are my student, gifted as you are, with all the opportunities to live a life not bound to me.”
“I want to be bound to you.” The words were spoken clearer than anything else the unicorn had spoken thus far. They rocked Celestia, but the alicorn was more than prepared.
“You know not of what you speak.” The monarch explained with a small shake of her head. “I am not speaking of living in a castle, or being left alone to eat while I attend to duties of foreign affairs. For those who are close to me, they are the furthest ponies from me.” Celestia gave Twilight her complete focus as she began to speak again, delivering what she knew would be a nail into a coffin the unicorn never wanted to see.
“Imagine for a moment that I did return your feelings, what would happen then? Time for us would be scarce, barely enough to be called close by even the standards of young love. You will age faster than I, growing older and older as I continue to march and walk without error. Eventually, in time, you will pass on, I will be left to mourn, to cry for a pony that I will never see again, haunted by him… her for the rest of my days.”
Twilight did not miss the tears that pooled over her mentor’s, her love’s, eyes.
“I am as certain of this as I am of your gift in magic Twilight, but you must have heard the expression eternity is a curse. Let me clarify to say it is hell. The world changes without me, and I cannot act to change it. I rule atop a mountain, but I am as passive as the breeze through a forest’s leaves. I guide others to their goals and mentor the precious few who are capable of boundless potential.” A golden encrusted hoof laid itself over the lavender shoulder of Twilight. Celestia was unsure if the mare was weak, or her words merely made her so.
“I care for you Twilight, as a teacher will always care for their student. But I do not, and cannot, see you as a pony that can share my life. For that pony does not exist.”
Silence reclaimed its hold in the room. Twilight almost wished for tears to break the silence, if only to keep her from gazing up at Celestia’s sorrow ridden face. She wanted to scream, to cry, to shout and demand that that wasn’t a good excuse. The monarch didn’t have the right to guide her life, to tell her whom to love. That wasn’t the duty of a princess. That was the job of only the pony whose heart had grown fonder of another.
But then, with almost lucid clarity, Twilight realized that the princess could speak of such things. Such could any pony who had experienced such heartbreak before.
Celestia’s eyes were full of wisdom. Wisdom was something you didn’t learn from a book, it was a lesson you learned through experience. With a small swallow of her throat, Twilight forced a smile to rise over her lips.
“A-Alright.” Her voice shook like fine china, ready to crumble with a summer’s breeze. “Th-than… Th-Thank you, your… highness.”
With a bow of respect, and proper dismissal from the monarch, Twilight began to trot towards the hall’s doors again, letting her legs move her hollow body. Once she had passed the doors, once she was beyond the sight of the hall, and far beyond earshot, her pace quickened, and her speed increased.
Twilight’s wish was half answered.
Her tears fell harder the faster she galloped.
The train ride was not an easy one. Twilight wasn’t expecting it to be.
Several hours surrounded by ponies she didn’t know, trying to swallow a rejection she didn’t want to hear, and forced to think of what the next few weeks were going to be like. No more dreams without tears, no more reminders without regret. Small things that would seem insignificant to others would be heart wrenching to her. The letters she had written, the Elements her friends and her had used, even the library she lived in; all gifts from the great monarch who did not, who could not, return her feelings.
For what was not the first time, Twilight let the tears fall down her face. Too many times now she had tried fighting them, hoping that at least once, one of the fruitless battles would be hers to win. But they never were. From the castle in Canterlot till eyesight of Ponyville, she was plagued by the thoughts of her dear Princess Celestia.
Twilight was all too aware of the few ponies on the cabin, sparse in number as they were. They had each given her a sympathetic gaze the first time she had let her tears flow, no doubt too polite to intervene to interrupt what could only be seen as mourning. Canterlot ponies always were notorious for the hubris, but just as well they were known for their manners. Never before had the protégé of Princess Celestia been so happy to be surrounded by ponies who didn’t want to disturb her.
That is… if she still was the princess’s student.
Ah, more tears.
Her hoof harshly scrubbed at her eyes. It wasn’t fair. None of it was. Even though she had promised Spike she would talk to her, even after she had prepared a speech, even after she had gathered the courage to talk the way she had, it all fell apart. Just like she knew Celestia would, just like Twilight prayed the princess wouldn’t.
Her body swayed forward against her will, the only sign the unicorn needed to know that the train was coming to a stand still. She was home, back in Ponyville, alone, just like when she had left. A shivering sigh left her chest.
It didn’t take much longer before the train ground to a stop, giving the unicorn a blurry image of the station outside. Blurry from her tears, of course. Her breath stalled as she made a swallowing motion, hoping to bury her tears within herself, if just for a little while. She just needed to make it home. That was all. Once she was home, then… then… she didn’t know. All she did know was that she would be alone.
Her hooves dragged down the aisle of the train, head hanging from her shoulders. She knew she looked depressing, something that most ponies would avoid. But that was all right. It would keep her alone. Twilight’s hooves clopped onto the hard stone ground of the train platform.
A moment later, she was on her back, staring up into the excited gaze of one Pinkie Diane Pie.
“Hiya Twilight!” The pink pony practically screamed with joy. “It’s so good to see you! Well, I see you all the time, but I haven’t seen you all day, so it’s still great to see you!”
“Pinkie?” Twilight asked in a confused voice, her hooves already lifting up to her face to hide her matted and run fur. She only hoped her overexcited friend would fail to notice her miserable state. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh! Well, when I realized that I hadn’t seen you all day, I decided that we should totally hang out, but then Spike said that you went to Canterlot to talk to the princess.” Twilight fell the ball in chest swell painfully. “But I was like, ‘why would she need to visit the princess?’ So I was all confused until I realized, ‘oh! She must be talking to the princess about something super duper important! So important that she was going to need all her friends here when she got back!’”
Those last few words stuck with the unicorn.
“All… my friends?” Twilight twisted her head, looking sideways across the train platform.
Sure enough, lined up side to side, were all her friends from Ponyville. Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Spike, and Pinkie Pie standing over her. They were all gazing at her with what she imagined to be a kind of hopeful joy. She envied that gaze.
“Well howdy there girl,” Applejack called out as she began to trot towards the pair, Stetson hat still sitting proudly over her mane with a brilliant smile over her lips. “How did yer meetin’ with the princess go?”
“Oh yes, do share darling.” Rarity quickly joined her country friend, trotting forward as elegantly as ever with a much more subtle grin. “Do we have to have to gather our wits and deal with another threat against Equestria?”
“Oh, I hope not. That would mean doing something dangerous again.” Twilight almost missed her shy friend’s meek response; head ducking further behind her already impressive mane.
The unicorn felt her lips curling downwards, tears already brimming at her eyes. She didn’t want to tell them why she went to Canterlot, let alone what happened there. She wanted to be alone. Why couldn’t she be alone?
“Whoa! Pinkie, give her some room!” The worried voice of Dash reached her ears, followed quickly by the pony above her moving away. It gave her room to curl into herself on the ground, hiding from her friends like a foal. At least she was acting like she felt.
It didn’t take long before the rest of her friends surrounded her, hovering over her with worried words on concerned tones. They encircled her, hiding her from the world. She was momentarily glad for it, because it meant few ponies would see the tears falling from her eyes.
There were still five ponies plus one dragon that could see them though.
“Land sakes girl!” She heard Applejack speak in a harsh whisper, kneeling down to her as she did. “Are ya alright?” What happened back there?” Twilight felt the earth pony’s hoof lightly lay over her neck as she spoke. She shivered at the touch. It was too easy to imagine that it was somepony else holding her, comforting her, just like she had so long ago.
“Hey! Hey! Give her some room!” Rainbow Dash’s voice yelled above the others, earning their immediate attention and action. Twilight felt the circle around her grow, but she would have really been the foal she was acting like if she thought they weren’t still gazing at her, eyes no doubt filled with sympathy and sorrow. She wished she had wings; maybe then she could hide herself in them. “Oh, geez.”
“Spike, what in tarnation was Twi’ doin’ up in Canterlot? And tell me straight, cause I sure ain’t about ta believe she was cuttin’ onions.” Applejack again. Applejack always was the dependable pony. But right now, she was getting ready to attack the one dragon that actually knew what was wrong with Twilight.
The unicorn’s red eyes were able to steal a peek at Spike, the small purple dragon looking at her with his own sympathetic gaze. She tried to utter something, a word or even a gurgle, to tell him not to say anything. Instead, all she did was let out another whimper as she curled further into herself.
Twilight was only faintly aware of the soft hoof on her side, lightly pushing at her to turn over. She curled deeper into herself instead.
“C’mon Twi,” Rainbow Dash spoke again, voice softer than Twilight would have given her credit for. “We gotta get you home.” The pegasus spoke the words as she continued to lightly push on her side, forcing her to twist to her hooves.
She was right, of course. Twilight still was a full grown mare, not an immature filly, no matter what she felt like. Home, she just had to get home. Then she could cry in private at least.
Her hooves shook as she rose to her tallest, limbs feeling hollow and empty, much like the pit in her chest. The slowly began to march forward, not caring for the direction she was heading. For all she knew, she was heading to the train tracks. Her neck felt too weak to check.
Just as lightly as before though, Twilight felt something soft touch her again. Touch wasn’t the right word. It draped over her, lightly hugging her frame. Her lowered head twisted just enough to see a set of cyan hooves walking beside her.
“It’s alright Twilight. I got ya.” Dash spoke lightly again, gently guiding the unicorn as she kept her head down, muzzle nearly dragging in the dirt. She continued to trot forward, hooves dragging beneath her. She watched them as tears continued to drip from her eyes. It kept her from seeing the pity-filled gazes of her friends.
She could faintly make out the hooves trotting behind her and Dash, following them as they walked. Twilight didn’t pay them much mind. She was used to being followed, almost all her life. It was life in the palace, surrounded by maids, guards, tutors, caretakers, or even her beloved mentor.
A choked gasp left her lips, shaking her body as the memory filled her. The wing over her back pulled her a little closer to the pegasus.
“She went to see Celestia,” She heard Spike telling the rest of the girls behind her, no doubt giving in because of how pitiful Twilight looked. She couldn’t blame him. She’d be worried, too.
The whole walk home, Twilight listened as her number one assistant, her first true gift from Celestia, slowly told her friends her heart’s deepest secret. The tears silently fell the whole way home, interrupted only by the occasional whimper.
“I just… I can’t believe it.” Rarity spoke in a hushed tone. She sat with the rest of her friends in Twilight’s library, sitting in a circle on the floor. The unicorn had her hoof raised to her mouth, a vain attempt to hide her shock. “You would think that the princess would have a bit more tact than that.”
“Can’t honestly say I never saw this comin’,” Applejack spoke next, hoof adjusting the hat on her head. “Twi’s always been the pony taken the princess’s words ta heart, mind, and even gospel. Still though, Ah feel for ‘er.”
Their collective gaze looked upwards, looking to the door of their friend’s room.
“Oh, I hope she’ll be alright.” Fluttershy spoke quietly, gaze falling as she spoke. “She… Twilight doesn’t deserve this. She’s always so kind… a-and thoughtful. Oh, I just feel awful.” Her head fell into her hooves.
“Now don’t you worry, sugercube.” Applejack spoke to her pegasus friend. “Twilight’s a strong girl. She’ll get through this just as well as everything else. Give ‘er a few days and I’m sure she’ll be right as rain.”
“Applejack, dear,” Rarity began, hesitantly. “I wouldn’t be too sure of that. This isn’t something as petty as a failed spell or rectifiable mistake. She just put her heart out on a string, and then had to watch it drop. Love… can be a very painful thing.” Rarity’s chest tightened as she spoke, lightly taking a breath of air to calm herself.
“Ah said nothin’ bout this bein’ petty, Ah’m just giving credit where it’s due.” The apple farmer spoke with a small shake of her head. “Twi’s been cursed, tricked, duped, and even been abandoned once before, but that girl never gave up on ‘erself. Ah’m sure she’ll pull through this.”
Rarity gave a low sigh at her friend’s words. Applejack was by no means a pony lacking in knowledge, but there were still some matters she didn’t have the experience to understand. Ignorance truly was bliss.
“What do ya’ll think Pinkie? Haven’t heard ya speak a word since Twi got off the train.” Rarity looked to her party obsessed friend. The pink pony, however, had her gaze fixed upwards, staring at Twilight’s shut door. If the alabaster unicorn had to guess, she was regarding it like she would a burnt cake. Disappointment and curiosity. Her quivering lips didn’t help.
“I think,” Pinkie began, lifting her hoof in the air like she was trying to snatch the thought. “That we should find Twilight a new special somepony!”
Groans followed her declaration.
“No, Pinkie.” Rarity flat out denied her friend. “I encourage you to help Twilight feel better, we all do, but not like that.”
“Rarity’s right on this one.” Applejack agreed with the unicorn. “Lotta ways to help a pony when they’re hurt, but replacin’ somethin’ like this just won't do it.”
“Why not? It works out great for when an oven at the Cakes’ goes out, or if you break a shovel. Besides, wouldn’t a new special somepony for Twilight be perfect?” Rarity and Applejack were left to scrub their hooves against their heads, thinking of the best words to get through their friend’s head.
“Uh, Pinkie?” The duo turned to see the youngest member of their group walking up to the pink pony, tail waving behind him as he walked. “You’re thinking about this the wrong way.”
“Really? I was thinking that love and kindness were everywhere and all we had to do was find the right pony to give Twilight that special kind of happiness again. Was I wrong?” Momentarily offset by the random pony’s statement, Spike ventured on.
“Well, it’s not that easy to just… replace this. I mean, think about this way,” He held up his claws to the pony. “Would you suggest the Cakes that they just replace… one of their foals?” A horrified gasp nearly sucked Spike off his feet.
“No! Never! That’s horrible! How could you even think of something like that!?” Pinkie Pie demanded with a clearly disturbed face. The baby dragon had to take a step back to stop himself from falling over.
“Ah, yeah, it is horrible.” He agreed with Pinkie, but continued to speak. “But, that’s kind of how Twilight feels about the princess. They were never actually together, but she always thought of Celestia as somepony that was very special to her. She couldn’t be replaced so easily, and even if she could, not nearly this early. She just… she needs time, that’s all.”
Pinkie blinked several times at Spike, mind processing his words in a way no pony or dragon dared to imitate, let alone imagine. Slowly though, a deep sigh left her lips.
“You’re right,” she admitted easily. “I just hate seeing my friends acting like they’re down in the dumps, and I just wanna make her happy and smile again.”
“Oh, we all do Pinkie.” Fluttershy spoke to her friend, lightly smiling with a level of kindness only the gentle pegasus possessed. “But, sometimes, we need to have to be sad before we can be happy. It… it isn’t easy, but we’ll be here for Twilight when she’s ready.” Her smile easily rejuvenated Pinkie’s.
“You’re right!” The earth pony cheered as she gave her friend a mighty hug, resolidifying her smile and earning a small gasp from Fluttershy. “I just gotta spend this time preparing an extra super big surprise for Twilight, so amazing that she’ll have to laugh!”
Spike breathed a sigh of relief, happy that his words had done their work. Then he felt a strong hoof grip his shoulder. It only took a small twist of his head to see the only other earth pony in their group looking down at him with a proud smile.
“Lotta wisdom in those words of yours, Spike.” Applejack complimented the young dragon, who beamed under the words. “Personal experience?” He was left to scratch the back of his head.
“Um, sort of.” He begrudgingly admitted. “Let’s just say, I’ve seen more than I’ve had to deal with.”
“Well, I for one am extremely pleased by your quick thinking.” Rarity joyfully complimented her draconic friend. “You just keep growing faster and faster.”
“That he does.” Applejack agreed with her unicorn friend. “Twilight’s lucky ta have ya.” The dragon beamed at the words.
“Thanks, really.” His smile fell though as his serpentine eyes looked up to Twilight’s room again, door still shut tight. “I just hope Rainbow can help Twilight now.” He felt the hoof on his shoulder give him a small assuring squeeze.
“We all do, Spike.” Applejack assured. “We all do.”
“Shhh, it’s okay Twilight, it’s alright.” Rainbow continued to gently speak to her friend, hoof stroking Twilight’s lavender mane as the unicorn continued to silently weep. “It’ll be okay. I promise.”
Twilight didn’t believe a word of it.
All she knew, all she felt, was the same cold hole in her chest growing and expanding with every shuddering breath she let out. Curled into her covers, balled like a newborn, she silently wept on her bed, her breathing the only sound she made.
Dash continued to gently soothe her, hoof stroking her mane as she continued to speak kind comforting words. It took time, more than the pegasus would normally have the patience for, but Twilight eventually spoke.
“I-I don’t-” she heaved in a breath of air, forcing her throat to dilate. “Don’t-don’t und-d-derstand…” Twilight pushed face into her pillow, wiping her tears into the already stained and most fabric. She whined as she did so.
“No pony does,” Dash spoke kindly to her, honestly. “It’s not exactly something your parents tell you growing up. Just… one of those things you have to learn for yourself.” Her hoof stopped moving, resting on Twilight’s back, between the blades of her shoulders.
Twilight was glad her friend was there for her, comforting her, that all of her friends were so worried about her. But she didn’t want it. She didn’t want pity, or sympathy, or anything that came with disappointment. She knew what she wanted, maybe even what she needed. But she was told to her face that she could never have it. No matter what she did or how many years passed.
Princess Celestia would never love Twilight, not like Twilight loved her.
An anguished cry left her lips.
Her leg rose to harshly wipe the fresh stream of tears away. Then she felt Rainbow’s wing wrap around her again, gently laying over her and the covers that covered her. It was warmer than the thin sheets could ever hope to be, and far stronger of a grip. Before the unicorn was aware of what was happening, she pulled the limb closer to her. Dash had no objections.
“Sh-she did-did-did-didn’t e-ev-v-ven… not…” Not even a chance. Her heart was too broken to speak the words that she knew would be damning. Twilight wasn’t even given a chance. Not a chance, not a possibility. Nothing. She felt the wing over her grip her just a bit tighter.
“I know, Twi. I get it, and I’m sorry.” Rainbow continued to speak soothingly to her, apologizing for things that weren’t her fault. “But, it’ll be alright. You’ve been through worse than this.”
Twilight’s head shook almost violently at the words. No she hadn’t, she’d never been through anything even a fraction as difficult as this was. Monsters, curses, ancient evils, those were things she could handle. They were simple to understand, and even a little fun to deal with. This… this torment? There was nothing fun about it, and for what was possibly the first time in her short life, she absolutely abhorred what she had learned.
She couldn’t say words now. Instead, they were just whimpers of pain, small cries of regret and torment that never expressed just how pitiful she felt. Cold, hopeless, maybe even a little dead, like the most important piece of her had been ripped out. Nothing could compare.
“You’ll be okay Twi, I promise.” Dash spoke again, her wing holding her just a bit harder. “No matter how long it takes, I’m here for you. Me and the rest of the girls, we’re all here for you.” Leaning close to the weeping unicorn, Rainbow gently nuzzled her cheek, warming the chilled and moist fur.
“I promise, it’s going to be alright.”
Twilight wasn’t sure she would ever be okay again.
The days passed slowly for Twilight, slower than she would have ever liked. She cursed her ability to predict the unlikely or unknown, because she was exactly right about what these days were like.
Her mornings were filled with simplicity and normalcy, just like every morning since she was a filly. Bathing, combing, eating, and brushing. Small things that nearly everypony did as they prepared for the day.
But then she would walk by a section of books Celestia had gifted to her, read a letter that the monarch had sent weeks earlier, or maybe even something as small as using a spell her precious mentor had taught her some years ago.
Then her mind would connect with the memories of her love for the beloved Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria and regent of Canterlot. From there, she would easily recall her small journey to the capital city, her idea of romance with its ruler, and the cold, harsh, denial that followed.
What followed that was just as natural. Tears.
She would be forced to stop whatever she was doing, no matter how important or mundane, to let the tears and whimpers come forth, dribbling from her like a stream. She’d sit on the library floor, hide in some unimportant alley, or just hang her head and hope her mane hid her face.
But Rainbow Dash made good on her promise.
Every day she visited Twilight, and everyday the two would talk. The chats were never anything drastically important, nor spiritual, faithful, or even a touch of philosophical. They were useless conversations of things no one cared for. The upcoming weather conditions, the next shipment of children’s books, the latest fashion design, everyday things that would quickly be forgotten.
And yet, Twilight felt herself grateful for every passing visit. The simple things, the things she didn’t pay attention to, kept her mind away from the thoughts of the monarch, the memories that still haunted her like a ghost’s shadow.
Twilight couldn’t think of a concrete reason why they seemed to be working so well. Maybe it was because she couldn’t relate what they talked about to Celestia. It could have been time really was healing her wound. For all the unicorn knew, it very well may have been the pegasus’s smile, constantly over her lips whenever she flew by the library.
The days turned into weeks, and the weeks made the past seem so far away. The further away the past was, the less Twilight was reminded of it, and the less of the pain she felt. The gaping wound turned into a dark bruise, and then eventually a fading scar. There was still sorrow, still pain, still some small reminder of the dream she had that would never be.
But those moments became fewer and fewer, the pain slowly turning into nothing but a sour reminder of an unhappier time.
She started to smile again, to laugh and play with her friends. Good memories were forming again, slowly pushing away the harsh and cold moments from long ago. Some words were still sensitive, clear reminders avoided, but it no longer took the mere mention of a letter to turn Twilight into a wreck.
There was still a life to live, and still things to do. She couldn’t let a single piece of broken hope ruin her life.
Dash was right, this was a lesson she had to learn through experience.
It was easily a month after the failed confession to the princess that Twilight found herself skipping through Ponyville. The sun was clear in the sky, clouds beaten and pushed away, and the market full of life and smiles. The bags over her back lifted and fell with each of her steps, lightly tapping her body with every stride she made.
The day was young, and the day was good. There wasn’t any reason for there to not be a smile on her face. It felt natural again, unforced, like her lips really deserved to be lifted in joy. She nodded her head towards the ponies she recognized, saying good morning to Bon Bon at her stand, greeting Thunderlane as they passed one another.
She didn’t have time to stop though. Her bags carried torn linens and sheets from her home, already resewn and mended too many times for her novice skill to correct. Twilight was going to have to employ the master craft of Rarity to fix them.
The unicorn was a busy mare however, and Twilight fully expected her to put the sheets on the line of orders she had to fulfill by days end. That was all right though; it was why she put it the task so early on her list of things to do. Rarity was a generous mare, but that didn’t mean she’d drop everything on a dime.
The boutique fast approached her, masterfully crafted dome and spirals rising above the thatched roof housing of the homes that surrounded it. Much like the mare that worked out of it, the building had a way of standing up and out of the crowd. Twilight let the smile on her features grow.
She was in front of the front door, raising her hoof to lightly rap on the stern wood. Rarity was a proper mare, and Twilight knew she would take more than simple offense if she barged in without a word. However, before her hoof touched the painted oak, she heard voices coming from within.
“Darling, you cannot be serious about prolonging this. The rest of the girls may still be ignorant, but I know how important this is to you.”
Rarity was already with a customer, and from the sound of it, she was pressing her business sense to its fullest again. Twilight couldn’t see the gain of asking for something to be done faster, at least from the manufacturer’s end, but then, all the studious mare knew of rushing came from reports and deadlines.
But the next voice she heard shot down the ideas of fashion or business faster than light could travel.
“You don’t get it Rarity.” The voice was deeper in pitch, less refined, even a little coltish, but clearly belonging to that of a mare. Twilight knew that voice in a second. Rainbow Dash was talking to Rarity. About what, she didn’t know.
“On the contrary, I ‘get’ quite a lot.” Even through the door, Twilight could hear the bite to Rarity’s voice. “You’re head over head over hooves in love, but you just can’t reach out and grab it. I understand the importance of patience darling, I honestly do, but you are starting to push yourself too far with this.”
“How would you know?!” Twilight forced herself not to recoil from the door, whether it be from Dash’s shout or Rarity’s words, she couldn’t tell. “I’ve… I’ve been holding on to this for this long, I can go another year or two with it. What would it matter anyways? Why are you suddenly so interested in this?”
Dash had a special somepony.
The idea was so far outside of what she had ever expected, Twilight was forced to process the thought slowly, just to make sure she understood it herself. Rainbow Dash, fastest pegasus and proudest mare in Equestria, had a crush. Twilight lightly swallowed on a pool of saliva that had collected in her mouth. One part of her told her to turn tail and leave. This was a private conversation. But, if she left, she’d never know who it was that Dash liked.
“Don’t kid yourself Rainbow. I have always been interested in matters of the heart. Plus, you are one of my closest friends. Why wouldn’t I be interested in how you feel? And to answer your other rudely phrased question, it matters to me because I am worried for you.” Twilight’s ears were perked and held close to the door, hanging off of every word she heard.
“What’s there to worry about?” Rainbow sounded happy as she spoke. Too happy for Twilight’s liking. “I’m setting records, getting recruited by the Wonderbolts, and I have great friends that are supporting, even if they occasionally get nosey around me. There isn’t a thing wrong with my life.” Even through the door, Twilight could tell the pegasus was lying.
“Stop it Rainbow, just… stop.” The exasperation in the unicorn’s tone was nothing new. Still, Twilight was hinged on every word she heard. “Stop pretending like this, please. It does my heart little good to see you… lie to yourself like this.”
“Really? Tell me, what am I lying about? Am I a unicorn in disguise? Is my mane actually white as snow? Am I a changeling? What is it Rarity? What am I faking?” Twilight could only imagine how far the pegasus was getting into Rarity’s face, no doubt pressing her muzzle up against the unicorn. This was becoming far more serious than she ever thought it would be.
“You’re still in love with Twilight.”
Only the hoof in her mouth kept Twilight from gasping in shock.
With her ears perked, the mare listened for any sound to come from the boutique, desperate to hear Rainbow’s answer. Was Rarity telling the truth, or was she just trying to get a reaction of Dash? It wouldn’t be the first time they tricked the pegasus to teach her a lesson, but this… this was far more serious.
“So… so what?”
The words Rainbow spoke were the quietest words Twilight had ever heard come from the pegasus. Despite that, they were heavy enough to force her flank to sit on the porch, too shocked to support her own weight.
“So?” Rarity answered back. “So you have been fawning over her for the better part of a year, yet have dropped no bells, whistles, or even a flower for the mare. Loving from afar can be very romantic, but not when you have more than one chance to at least approach her.”
“Why would I do that?” The snarl was unmistakable behind Rainbow’s words. “Walk right up to her and say, ‘Hey Twilight, guess you couldn’t guess, but I’ve always loved you. Wanna go on a date?’ Yeah, cause that’ll turn out so great.”
“And why wouldn’t it?” Twilight heard Rarity push on, probably marching closer to the pegasus as she spoke. “If there is one thing can be learned from our misadventures across the better part of Equestria, it’s that nothing happens without action.”
“Yeah, nothing happens. That’s… that’s what I want. Cause, if nothing happens, then that means that nothing’s gonna change.” Twilight felt herself shifting closer to the door, ear perking until it was pressed against the wood.
“That isn’t a good thing Dash,” Rarity began to scold. “You can’t just keep going on loving Twilight without her knowing. It will just end up being painful for you.”
“Not anymore painful than hearing her have to say no.”
The clarity of the words caught Twilight by more than just surprise. Her head slowly fell as she realized just what Dash meant. The pain from loving from afar, and the pain from having your heart broken.
Rainbow was experiencing the former, but she had watched and guided Twilight through the latter. She would rather keep living with Twilight blissfully ignorant of how she felt instead of risking the same pain.
Twilight was crying again. Celestia had nothing to do with it.
“So that’s it then?” She faintly heard Rarity admonish. “Just throw in the towel, quit without even trying? That isn’t the Rainbow Dash I know.”
“Then you know the wrong mare.” Twilight, even through her stupor, was able to make out the chilling flatness of Dash’s voice. “I… I won’t quit when I want something. But I’m… I don’t want her to say no. If I can just be there for her, keep… k-keep her company when she needs me and help her she wants it, then I’ll be… it’ll be fine.”
“Oh… Rainbow…”
Twilight could neither see nor hear their actions through a door. But the unicorn needed less than an active imagination to know that her friend was crying inside. Crying just like she herself had done, just like she was doing again.
She… she couldn’t be here, not any more.
With a small flick and flash of her horn, Twilight was gone from the boutique, disappearing into thin air.
Twilight’s vision returned as she popped back into existence, landing with four shaky hooves on the library floor. Her horn hummed to life again, unclasping the belt around her and discarding the bags from her sides. They fell into some unimportant corner, quickly forgotten as her mind continued to reel.
Rainbow Dash was in love with her.
Correction, Rainbow Dash had been in love with her for over a year’s time, and the ever detail-oriented unicorn never noticed.
The idea was just so impossible, so… unexpected that Twilight had no idea on how to handle it.
Rainbow Dash was her friend, her most loyal friend. She was the pony who that flew to her rescue, that supported her no matter what she did, that… that was in love with her.
Twilight felt a dry heave push its way through her throat, making her legs shake. She sat down, too stunned to continue standing. Her eyes remained wide and vacant as her mind raced.
Was this how Celestia had felt when Twilight confessed to her? Watching the student she had raised for years confessing a love to her that she didn’t share, forever altering the bond they had, ultimately, for the worse.
Something soft plopped on the ground beneath her. Twilight didn’t need to look to know that she was crying again, crying at the memory of her mentor, her actions, and what had happened over a month ago now. But now, it was worse.
She was where Celestia was, and Rainbow Dash was walking in her hooves, choosing a path Twilight didn’t take.
The pegasus wasn’t going to confess to her, or so her tearful conversation with Rarity had implied, but she was in love nonetheless, just like Twilight to her mentor. But Rainbow Dash wouldn’t risk ruining the friendship they had, not for a dream that might not be.
Then how awful was the past month for the pegasus? She had held Twilight as the unicorn cried for a love that wasn’t going to be, for a love that was not Rainbow Dash. Rainbow had spoken kindly to Twilight throughout the entire experience, comforting as a shoulder to cry on and a friend to speak to, never pushing or asking for more.
How awful was it? To have the mare that you loved clinging and crying to you as she asked another pony to love her.
She didn’t know. Twilight didn’t know. It was a mystery she didn’t have the answer to. And for once, she didn’t want to hear it.
Twilight let out a gasp of fright as her door opened, completely shocking her.
“Yo Twilight, you ho-” Rainbow Dash boldly strode in, little differently than she had done the past few weeks. The first sight to meet her pink eyes was Twilight in tears, still sitting dumbly on the floor. Her wet eyes looked at Dash with horror. “Whoa!”
The pegasus was by her side in a second, putting her hooves on Twilight’s shoulders and leaning the mare back. Their eyes were less than a mane hair apart. The unicorn prayed her friend couldn’t see the pain in her eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Dash asked seriously, looking her friend over as she spoke. “Did something happen? C’mon Twi, talk to me here.” Twilight could hear nothing but empathy on Rainbow’s words. No pain, no doubt, especially not desire. Her concern, and attention, was completely focused on Twilight, not even a trace of consideration given for herself.
The unicorn took deep breaths of air, eyes still focused on the pegasus holding her at leg’s length. It was hard to control her breathing, let alone her tears, when she was so close and looking so deeply into her.
“C’mon Twi, what is it? Did… did you have another bad dream or something? Was… did you think of Celestia again?” Twilight’s head slowly shook. “Then what is it? C’mon, I can’t help you unless you tell me what it is.”
Twilight was at an impasse.
It would be easy, incredibly easy, to act like nothing was wrong, or at least feign that she knew anything. Twilight could say she did have a relapse in memory, perhaps recalling the first time Celestia announced her as her protégé. That would force Rainbow to hold her close again and comfort her like she had for the past several weeks.
But that would change nothing. Dash would be stuck on the road Twilight didn’t take, forcing herself to act, pretending like she saw Twilight as nothing more than a friend. The unicorn didn’t have to imagine to know that pain; she only had to remember. But… was it her right to take Dash off that path? Twilight could act, too. Pretend like she never eavesdropped on Rarity and Rainbow, like she had yet to leave her home the entire day.
Nothing would change, and no pony would feel any pain for it. No progress, or fall, just staying on the same level as they were the day before. Twilight took looked deeper into Dash’s eyes, searching for anything in the pegasus’s eyes but sympathy and pity.
Then, there, deep in the core of what she could call Rainbow’s soul, Twilight saw with her eyes what she had heard from Dash’s voice.
Pain.
Biting her lip, Twilight blindly took action.
“I…” Twilight’s voice caught in her throat, forcing the unicorn to swallow on her words. Dash watched, rapt with attention. Taking a slow breath, Twilight continued again.
“I know Dash.” The pegasus’s attentive gaze gave shadows of confusion at the words. “I know… how you feel… about me.”
Twilight watched with horrified fascination as terror began to slowly seep into Rainbow’s features.
The pegasus released her, stepping back and away from the unicorn. Her legs stepped slowly, as if unsure the ground was going to stay beneath them. Twilight could only stare as Dash’s eyes began to water, tears streaking down her face. She felt them crawling down her own.
“H-How?” The word was spoken on a broken whisper. Twilight had to swallow before answering.
“Rarity’s,” her spoke with clarity that surprised herself. “I was… running an errand to her, dropping off my sheets to see if they could be mended. When I got there, you and her were inside. I was gonna leave but… but, I got curious.”
“Curious?” Dash asked with pain creeping into her voice. “You… you listened to me and Rarity cause you got curious? I told Rarity… everything I felt because I thought she could help, but… but you listened to her because you were curious?” The lines on Rainbow’s face twisted, the agony of her words starting to bleed into her features. Twilight watched on with dismay.
“It… You were never supposed to know.” The pegasus’s head fell, eyes falling to the ground, watching her small pool of tears grow. “This… no, no, no.” Her head began to shake, letting the tears fly. Twilight felt herself hiccup as she watched.
The only sound that echoed through the library was the dropping of tears and small whispers of denial from the chromatic pegasus. Twilight was caught between unimaginable curiosity and heart wrenching pain, wanting and not-wanting to see Dash’s face. Her mane covered her face, but it did nothing to hide her falling tears.
“You…” She weakly began, head lifting and falling until she made eye contact with the unicorn again. Her pink eyes were rimmed red. “I… I could stand you… not knowing. Being close, helping, not… more.”
“Dash…” Twilight spoke in a tone she hoped was comforting, at least understanding, but Dash either didn’t hear or didn’t acknowledge her.
“If you don’t know… you won’t hate me. I’ll… I-I’ll be able to st-t-stay close to you. Now… No…”
The whimpers from Rainbow grew into soft cries.
Twilight was stunned, horrified and disgusted with herself, as she watched Rainbow fall to the library floor. Her hooves wrapped around her head, hiding her eyes from view. Her wings slowly lifted and fell, moving without care or direction from the body they were connected to.
The little Twilight could see did her heart no good. The tears continued to flow and fall onto the floor, clinging and pooling around Rainbow’s now fallen form. Her mouth was open, lips shaking as the mournful cries continued to come from her mouth.
Twilight had little idea of what to do, none actually. There was no book she read, lesson she learned, or situation she’d even passively experienced to even comprehend what to do. If a friend was in need, you comfort her. If you had hurt your friend, you apologize. But, when your friend was in love with you… what do you do?
“…Hate me…” The words were spoken in a depressed and wet whimper from the pegasus, interrupted and drowned out by her tears and cries. “…forever…”
“Rainbow… no…” Twilight took a small step forward, inching towards her friend. She was only a few hooves away, but she felt like she was walking miles across barren landscape. The pegasus continued to cry, mourning the loss of something she never had.
“I-I-I-I-don’t wa-wa-want to… you… no…” Dash’s body started to slowly close in on itself, curling until her rear legs were pressed against her chest. Twilight was soon close enough to her to lay a hoof over the tearful pegasus.
“Don’t!” The sudden scream from Dash was enough to throw Twilight back and away from her, startling her. Rainbow was on her hooves again, bloodshot and teary eyes staring at Twilight with what the unicorn could only equate as rage.
“I-“ Twilight’s brief speech was cut off before it could begin.
“Why?!” The shout was nothing short of heart-wrenching. “Why are you still here?! You… I know what you’re gonna say. It can’t work out, we’re already friends, you don’t see me that way and you. Never. Will!” Her hooves slammed as she screamed her last few words, tears lifting and falling as she did the action. Twilight wasn’t far behind.
“But… but I don-” Again, Rainbow wouldn’t let her finish.
“Don’t lie to me!” She shrieked. “I spent an entire freakin’ month with you, watching you cry and mourn and scream how unfair it was to be rejected! I… I didn’t want that, I don’t want that. So…” She sucked in a breath of air, neck craning as her head fell. “So don’t lie to me and say something that… that I couldn’t…”
Her teeth clenched and head twisted away, avoiding Twilight as much as she could. Dash twisted until her legs obeyed her, facing the far wall away from the unicorn that held both her love and hate.
Twilight could only watch, mind searching desperately for something, anything to say. There were a hundred things that could happen, but there was only one outcome she wanted. Trouble was, she couldn’t think of how to get there.
“Rainbow,” the name didn’t another shout or cry, so Twilight continued. “I… I don’t know what to think. I’m not mad or… or disgusted or anything. I’m just… confused.
“What’s to be confused about?” The snarl was filled with almost vicious anger. “I… I like you, a lot. I have for a while. I’ve just… hidden it. Like you and the ‘princess’.” In another time, Twilight might have been offended by the clear disdain Rainbow spoke the title of Celestia, but in another time, she hadn’t just been told Rainbow loved her, and she hadn’t gotten rejected by Celestia herself.
“Now,” Rainbow continued. “Now what happened to you is gonna happen to me.” Her head bobbed as she spoke, mane rising and falling with the harsh movements. “You’re gonna say… say no. And I’m going to have to spend a month crying, alone.” Even from the distance that they were, Twilight could see her friend shaking.
This wasn’t just painful for Dash; it was agonizing.
Twilight could see it clear as day now. This wasn’t a decision she reached in haste, or just decided in the spur of the movement. She had thought long and hard about this, and now, she was having the decision she made being ripped from her.
But that small amount of clarity gave Twilight a new option. Even with her coat stained in tears and mind reeling from the news, she saw the difference between herself, Celestia, and Rainbow Dash.
She was where Celestia was, and she could do better than her mentor.
“Rainbow, listen to me.” Twilight spoke with all the strength her voice could collect. “I had no idea how you felt about me. I never did. I am shocked, surprised, but I am not mad.” Slowly, Rainbow’s head turned to look at her, the expression of sorrow back along her cyan muzzle.
“I’ll admit, I don’t feel anything that strongly for you, and you know better than the rest of the girls why.” Dash remained mute as still air. “You’re a friend, a great friend, and one of the best friends I have ever had in my entire life. That’s not a small thing to say.”
Twilight straightened herself to her tallest before she spoke on.
“That’s why, I want to give this a chance.”
Rainbow whirled faster than she could fly, looking at Twilight with an expression the unicorn couldn’t place. But somehow, she found herself able to label it close to something else. Pleasant surprise. The difference, however, was that Twilight couldn’t possibly describe the strength behind the look. It was as if it was all Rainbow felt.
“What?” She whispered the word, eyes wider than saucers. Twilight couldn’t help the small smile that pulled its way onto her lips.
“I said that I want to give you a chance, the chance Celestia never gave me, and the chance you deserve.” Twilight slowly walked over to Dash until they stood only a hoof’s length from one another, their expressions unchanging. “And you, Dash, have made it only too obvious how much you deserve at least a chance.”
Just as Twilight had watched Rainbow’s confusion fall into fear, she saw her sorrow rise into joy.
“You’re… you are serious?” Dash asked for the second time, the very idea of this happening alien to her. “This isn’t you just… trying to make me feel better, right?”
“As serious as I can be Rainbow.” Twilight held out her hoof to the pegasus. Dash stared at it with fascination, like it was the first time ever laying eyes on it. Twilight’s smile never faded. “It’s a chance you deserve, and I’ll be there with you to experience it.”
Tears started to roll down Rainbow’s face. Her smile was brighter than anything Twilight had seen before.
Carefully, with delicacy, Rainbow lifted her hoof to Twilight’s, letting hers lay over her friend’s.
The thankful tears flowed faster.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write to you, but I’m sure you know the reason why.
I won’t lie to you, I never have. When you told me what you did... I was heartbroken. For weeks I did nothing but cry and sob and wonder what about me wasn’t good enough for you. It was impossible for me to do almost anything.
But I wasn’t alone-- never. My friends were always right beside me, making sure that I was alright, even when I wasn’t. They took care of me in their own ways, from making me food to helping me clean. They showed that the greatest time to be a friend is when your friend is in trouble.
Rainbow Dash did more than that.
She took care of me almost every day and night after we last spoke, holding me while I cried and talking softly to me while sobbed. She spent every free moment she could with me, and then made time when she couldn’t.
Only recently have I realized that Rainbow Dash thought of me as more than a friend, and took care of me the way she did, not just because I was important to her, but because she loved me. But, she refused to tell me about it. She decided that after seeing the way I acted, the way I cried when you denied my feelings, the better option would be to love from afar and silently.
But like you told me a long time ago, the truth always comes out, and when I found out about Rainbow Dash, she was mortified and afraid. She was afraid that I would do to her what you did to me.
But Princess, she loves me enough to let herself suffer. If she is willing to torture herself with the knowledge that she could never get close to me, to preserve the relationship we still have, then she deserves a chance to show me just how much she loves me.
That’s why I want to thank you, Celestia. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me go the way you did.
Because if you didn’t, Rainbow Dash would still be in pain and I wouldn’t love her the way I do now.
I love you, Princess Celestia, and I doubt that will change even after months have passed. But, I love Rainbow Dash, I love her loyalty, dedication, and the endless amounts of joy she seems capable of giving me.
I love Rainbow Dash, your highness, and I want to thank you one more time for giving me this chance.
Your Faithful Student, now and forever,
~Twilight Sparkle
Princess Celestia, Regent of the Canterlot, smiled sadly as she read the message of her faithful student for what felt like the hundredth time that day. She took in a slow breath, savoring the air that filled her lungs. Her fur felt caked and matted, stuck with a trail of dried tears down her eyes and around her muzzle.
“Learning to love,” she whispered quietly, her voice lost to the empty room she sat in. “And learning to let go.”
Author's Note
Hardcore Mode: People need to learn about Ludovico Einaudi. Try starting just after... Celestia’s dismissal.
Hang on Brony!
You’re gonna have to vote for the Wizard of Words now in his Twidash challenge against Bats! Head over there to the Twidash forum and vote for the Wizard on his page. You’d better too, or I’ll find you!
