Chapter 1: (S)aint
Nine months after the ending of “Natural Born Ponies”, or whatever the gestation period for the spawn of Satan is, Hanz was pacing across the waiting room of Hoofenstein’s premier hospital, “The Wings of Life”. This was truly an ironic name for a hospital, as all pegasi in the country had been killed years ago by this dark grey unicorn. Nonetheless, after many hours of waiting, a short nap, a bag of beef jerky (don’t judge him,ok?), and yet more waiting, the doctor told him it was ok to enter the operating room.
Hanz walked in and he saw his wife laying on the table, smiling over at him and holding their newborn foal, a dark red earth pony with a white mane from the combination of her pink and his dark grey. The doctor reached down to check if the foal was ok, and it bit his hoof, making him bleed.
“Awww, I bet he gets his bloodlust from you, Pinkie” said Hanz, laughing a little.
“Hey, you’re no saint yourself, Mr. glue factory” Said Pinkamena, and the doctor did his best to get the birth certificate for them.
“Ok, have we decided on a name yet, guys?” said the nervous doctor, holding a pen with his hoof in the way that only ponies could do. The couple looked down at him, and thought.
“Lucien Lacedaemion” Said Pinkie, and Hanz shrugged
“Sure, I don’t see why not. I’ve always been bad at names.” Said hanz, and so the doctor filled in the foals information, and sent the couple home with their newborn.
Entering their mansion, the couple was greeted by their maid and assistant: Zecora. The striped zebra gave a slight bow and smiled.
“Good afternoon, I see you return. Is it true that your wife is now a matern?”
Hanz nodded and he took the cloth off from the foals head, and Zecora gasped in shock.
“Dear Celestia, that foal would appear to be an omen for Equestria!”
Pinkie giggled, taking Lucien up to the bedroom for the two to nap, and Hanz asked Zecora about what she meant.
“What do you mean, Zecora? Our foal is an omen?”
She gulped and nodded slowly “Yes, of this I must confess. Legend tells of a blood-red pony with a white mane who will bring death and destruction to all the land….It will most certainly not be grand.”
Hanz shook his head and patted her head “My dear Zecora, that is utter nonsense. Why would our foal be this monster you speak of?”
“If I may speak out, of two exceptionally evil ponies being paired is what brought this about.” Said the striped equine.
“I’m sure this is just an old mare’s tale, just like the story of how Pinkie used to be a happy pony that was loved by all.” And with that, Hanz walked up the stairs to rest with his wife and foal, leaving Zecora downstairs.
“Oh lordy, lordy. If I didn’t owe those ponies my life, I wouldn’t even stay in this story!” Said Zecora, heading into the kitchen to start dinner as the scene faded to black.
*5 years later*
Hanz and Pinkie had just dropped Lucien off at the Hoofenstein daycare center, going back to their official state business and leaving the unknowing caregiver at the mercy of the foal.
“Awwh, you look like such an adorable little colt. Coochie coochi coo!” Said the innocent blue mare, rubbing Lucien’s belly with a hoof. He giggled a little and lay on his back, so she leaned down and rubbed his chin. Once her guard was down, Lucien bit down on the mares arm and wouldn’t let go.
“Ahhh, let go, that is not how you treat fellow ponies!” Said the mare as she flailed her arm to try and shake Lucien off. After a minute of shaking, he still wouldn’t let go, so she hit him against a wall and he finally fell back to the ground, leaving the caregiver shaking and panting softly while the colt giggled and smiled adorably.
“That’s it….why don’t you play with my puppy, Lucien?” She said, letting her happy little dog come in, the adorable little pooch looked very similar to Applejacks own dog. The mare went into the bathroom to put a bandaid over her bite wound, then went into the living room to relax and read a parenting book.
After half an hour, she noticed a distinct silence from the other room, and her book had just mentioned that silence was bad, so she put down the book and went to check on Lucien. He was nowhere to be found, but her dog was curled up by the wall, sleeping apparently.
“Lucien! Where are you?” She called out, looking around for the colt but to no avail. She checked all the obvious spots for a colt: The clothes hamper, the secret laboratory behind a large book shelf, and even in the microwave that only existed for this single joke. Finally giving up, she went over to her dog and rubbed along its back, which made the dog yawn and stretch its hooves.
“Wait…hooves?” Said the mare, rolling over the dog to find that it was actually Lucien sleeping inside a suit he made from her dogs coat, the dog now being the missing organism. She gasped in horror and fainted on the spot at the thought of her dog being dead.
Baby Lucien licked his “paws” and curled up ontop of the unconscious mare, napping until Hanz came to get him back.
“Some caregiver she was, what kind of nanny falls asleep on the job? She’s certainly not getting paid.”
And with that, he kissed his adorable colts’ forehead and trotted home with him.
Stepping in the door, Hanz took the dog costume off of Lucien and gave it to Zecora “Hey Zecora, be a dear and clean this for me, will you?”
She glared at Lucien, then sighed, grabbing the costume grudgingly and taking it to the wash room.
Author's Note
I know I put Twilight under the "characters" section, and the reason why will become apparent withing a couple of chapters.
Fret not, for I plan to make this story have shorter chapters than my last story, but there will be more of them, and I'll try to keep this one to a Teen rating.
Also I am aware that this story will not make sense unless you were to read "Natural Born Ponies", but that's all the more reason to head to my page and check it out, huh?
21st Century Schizoid Pony
When Lucien turned thirteen, it was time for him to begin his advanced education; and as an important stallion normally did, he had to pick a respected pony to mentor him.
“So Lucien, have you been thinking about your mentorship lately?” his father asked, who was standing in the doorway to his colt's bedroom. The walls were adorned with swords of various origins, as well as posters of some infamous pony bands, such as Marilyn Mareson, Insane Colt Posse, and for some reason: The Village Ponies.
“Not really dad. Can you give me a list and I’ll pick one?”, said the nihilistic young stallion, turning down his music box and laying on the bed.
“Uh, sure, I suppose. I’ll be back with a list of some renowned mentors from across Equestria,” Hanz said, leaving his son to his own devices.
Hanz returned after a few hours with a long list of potential candidates for Lucien. “Thanks dad," he said waving him off, "I’ll let you know when I’ve come to a decision!”
Hanz trotted back downstairs, and then Lucien got up, and pinned the list to the wall with tacks. He then pulled some darts out of his toy box. Taking aim, he threw the first dart and missed “Dang it, I’ve always sucked at this.” He sighed and took a deep breath, closing his eyes and tossing the next one – it just barely landed on the list near the bottom.
“Yes! I hit one!”, he said gleefully while trotting over to the list with a look of pride. “Hmm….let’s see who my mentor shall be.” He looked down the list at a name that had been placed out of alphabetic order, perhaps in hopes that Lucien would not pick this pony.
“Hello there, Mrs. ‘Twilight Sparkle’, looks like you shall be my mentor.”With that, young Lucien went back to relaxing on his bed until a few hours later
“Lucy, dinner is waiting for you downstairs!”, his mom called. The name “Lucy” made him cringe in embarrassment, but he hopped out of bed and headed downstairs to the dining room, and sat at the table.
“Ohh, steaks, thanks mom!”, he said, licking his muzzle and then digging in
“Only the best for my Hanzy and Lucy!”, said Pinkamena as she sat by Hanz and the family enjoyed their dinner – that was, until Hanz asked his son about the list.
“So son, have you picked a mentor now that you have that list?”, Hanz asked, chewing on some steak.
Lucien smiled and nodded, taking a sip of water. “Yeah dad, I think I’m going to choose Twilight Sparkle, from Ponyville”. Hanz gasped and started choking on the food, falling out of the chair.
“W-What?! Why her?”, he said, hoof-punching himself in the belly to fix his choking.
“I dunno, I don’t know any of those ponies, and her name sounds funny.”, Lucien said, shrugging.
Hanz sighed and looked over at Pinkie, then back at his son
“Well, if that’s really what you want, then ok, son. But I have to warn you, she’s not exactly….sane. Even if she is the smartest mare in Equestria.”
Lucien laughed a little and finished his steak “Then it sounds like my mentorship shall be fun, huh?” With that, he got out of his seat and went back to his room to start packing his bags, knowing that the day for him to leave was coming soon.
*One Week Later*
Lucien was dropped off at the train station. He waved good-bye to his worried father, and happy mother who were leaving him in hopes that he would learn many life lessons in his time in Ponyville. He stepped onto the train and the doors soon closed after the other passengers had boarded. Taking his seat, he heard the most aggravating sound any pony would ever hear in their life: the sound of a foal crying from the seat behind his.
Lucien sighed and tried his best to be nice “Ma’am, would you please set your foal to vibrate mode?” He looked behind him and saw an overweight zebra mare glaring at him
“Ohhhh hell naw, you do not tell me how to raise mah baby. This foal here, along with the other seventeen at home are momma’s little money makers. Celestia sends me a big-ass check each month for having them!”
The train rolled into a tunnel and the cabin went dark, and when it exited the tunnel, the zebra and her foal were mysteriously absent from their seat, with Lucien relaxing in his.
“I always wanted some nice boots, and I bet nopony else has real zebra-skin boots!” the colt said, kicking his feet softly with his new boots on. He then took a book from his suitcase and laid back “Rocket to Insanity? Sounds like this will be a fun read!”
Time passed by as Lucien read his book, and before he knew it, the train had arrived in Ponyville. The young colt stepped off the train, looking at a piece of parchment.
“Ponyville library – giant tree in the center of town.” Only a foal could miss something like that, he thought to himself; so he trotted happily down the streets of Ponyville, until he smelt smoke in the air. Lucien looked up and saw a large pillar of smoke coming from the giant tree in town, so he galloped to its source.
“What the hay!?”
Standing outside of the burning tree house was a purple unicorn with a frizzy, uncombed mane. She was laughing maniacally as she watched the tree go up in flames
“Dear Princess Celestia, Today I learned a new lesson about friendship! Friendship is not fire-proof!”
The purple mare looked around “Spike? Did you get that?” She glared around, realizing that he was nowhere to be found. “Dang it, so Fluttershy died for nothing, it seems!” She dropped to her knees and growled, before noticing Lucien, who looked rather frightened
“Oh, hi there little colt! Whats your name?” Her eye twitched and she gave a deranged laugh
“Uhm… My name is Lucien, are you…” He looked down at his parchment “Twilight Sparkle?”
She nodded and got back onto all four hooves “Why yes, are you my new pupil I was informed about?”, she said as she trotted over to Lucien.
He bit his lip and slowly nodded “Yes, I’m Lucien. I'm supposed to be staying with you while you teach me, but it would seem your house just burned down. Will this be a problem?” He looked behind her at the tree that was nearly entirely ashes now.
She shook her head and smiled “Of course not! We can stay at Fluttershy's house! She won’t be needing it anymore.”
“Well…Ok then, Mrs. Sparkle. After you.”, Lucien said, wondering if this mare was fit to even be a mentor.
Twilight rubbed her hooves together like only a true villain could, and turned her back to him “Good, with this little colt living with me, I shall surely learn all there is about friendship! Take that, Dad!....Uhm….I mean, Princess! Yes, that will work.”
Lucien tugged on her tail and she looked back “Excuse me Miss, but will you be doing that often?”
She nodded and swished her tail “Yes, little colt. Yes I will.”
Author's Note
And so the fun shall begin, this chapter also should answer any "Wheres Fluttershy?" questions that I had been getting from my original story :P
