My Little Avengers: Deadpool

by NutJobEP

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Comedy
Length: 7294

The Merc with a Mouth makes his debut in koolerkid's "My Little Avengers" universe, with a violent vendetta to settle with... Pinkie Pie!?

A My Little Avengers side story. Reading the main story beforehand is recommended, but not completely necessary.

The unkillable mercenary and assassin known as Deadpool has earned a reputation amongst authories and potential employers as a flagrant and volatile sociopath with no understanding of the word "subtle".

"And I worked hard for it!"

But his unique personality is not something that be summed up so easily. And now that he is after one of the Avenger's closest allies, they will have to deal with the real thing. But it seems he is not the only one out for their blood today! But with both of them out for vengence, could it be that they are not the true villains here? Is there a murderer living within the Avengers Mansion, or is someone else behind the curtain?

"Read the stupid fic and you might find out!"

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-30 18:30:01 UTC

Chapter 1

It isn’t often a country undergoes a complete transformation in a year. Ponies tend cling to the familiar, taking comfort in practiced repetition and predictability. And while brief periods of disaster, hysteria and panic came and went, the citizens of Equestria were generally blessed with placid and relaxed lives under the rule of Princesses Celestia and Princess Luna.

        That all changed a year ago, when a mad alicorn from an era long since forgotten returned after countless millennia of slumber. Seeing Equestria as his to rule by birthright, he planned overthrow the royal sisters and take the throne by force. He took his first victory over the two by using Celestia’s magic to transform her subjects from mere mortals into something superior.

        Celestia’s power did not discriminate, but it’s effects were different on each and every pony it afflicted. The result was ponies with varying lifestyles and varying morals suddenly gaining superpowers to use, or in many cases abuse. While the mad god’s hubris ultimately led to his defeat, there was no way to take away superpowers from those that would use them for their own gains.

As more and more super-powered ponies appeared, Equestria’s law enforcement quickly became overwhelmed. The royal guard and police forces found themselves outnumbered and hopelessly outmatched. Even the Avengers, the team of superheroes that originally defeated the maniacal god, were unable to answer every call for help. No amount of discipline or teamwork could compensate for such massively disproportionate numbers.

        As civilians continued to suffer the abuse of these rogues and other problems that proper authorities simply no longer had time to handle, they-

“Booooooorrrring!”

….they eventually began to purchase the services of talented mutants looking to make some quick bits. Even as the Avengers began to recruit and expand all across Equestria in an effort to keep the Princesses’ lands safe, the mutants for hire offered more immediate protection and more personal solutions, especially for those who needed jobs done that weren’t within the boundaries of the law. Eventually, use of mercenaries became a popular and convenient solution to those who could afford-

“Yaaaaaawwwwwwwn! Boooo! Get off the set!”

...their services... What is your problem!?

“My problem!? What’s your problem? Why you chasing away my readers, man? They came here to watch me go all ‘Bang! Bang! Bang!’ and instead they get you going ‘Blah, blah, blah.’”

I’m trying to build the setting so they can-

“Setting, shmetting. If they want backstory they can read My Little Avengers. Now move aside and let me get to work.”

Just give me-

“No, wait stop! Ah, crap. Now look what you did. One of my readers just hit the back button. Nice going, slick. Now hurry up and tell them about the time I saved Equestria before you lose me more readers.”

...You know what? Screw this, I’m out. Write your own lousy story.

“Fine! I didn’t need you anyway. I can do this all by myself! And you know what? It’s going to be the best. Fic. Ever! Alright, kids, close your tabs and grab some spare pants ‘cause you’re in for a wild ride!”

Deadpool

A My Little Avengers Side Story

Written by  ̶N̶u̶t̶ ̶J̶o̶b̶ Deadpool

“...carrying an armory on him. What do you think got him?”

The worst part of dying was coming back. When you die, the body shuts down. Nothing hurts. Kinda freaky to think about but when you know it’s just temporary it’s not that bad. Not for Deadpool, at least. Nah, he’s been there, met Death, dated her for a bit, didn’t work out, came back. Multiple times. Nothing you can’t get used to.

“Dunno. Musta been a mutant or sumthin’. Sword worth anything?”

One thing you never get used to is the feeling of your organs restarting. Ever try to breathe without working lungs? It sucks. Or maybe your lunch was relocated to another part of your body after your stomach was ruptured. That sucked too. Though nothing sucked quite as bad as ‘waking up’ before whatever wound killed you was fully healed. Hello, splitting headache!

“Uh, maybe. Better get it cleaned first. I think there’s still a chunka his brain on it.”

“Yuck.”

You would think that an awesome unstoppable healing factor would include some anesthetic but noooooooooo. Stupid incomplete magic medicare package. Being able to stop being a corpse was nice, but sometimes he felt like the fact that he could also meant that he was obligated to at least once a week. If he was lucky he’d wake up a few minutes later no worse for wear. If not then he’d wake up in a dumpster in some alleyway getting looted by lowlifes. And he was never very lucky.

TL;DR: Tuesdays suck.

“Give it here, I’ll see what I can do. Does he have anything else?”

“Yeah, there’s another sword on ‘is back. Gimmie a sec.”

Deadpool grabbed the first looter’s foreleg as he reached down and threw him into the garbage beside him. The scruffy brown pegasus yelped in shock as the formerly dead pony pulled him right out of the air. Deadpool took advantage of the panicked pony’s confusion and pressed both his front hooves down against his wings.

First order of business upon waking up from a death nap: extract information from killers.

Crack!

“AUUUUGGGHHHH!”

        “Rush!? You okay!?”

        “Tell me who sent you or I break your wings!” Deadpool demanded.

        “You just did!” his victim shouted back.

        “Don’t even try- wait, what?” Deadpool looked over at the pegasus’s wings. As he claimed, they were bent and twisted in an unnatural fashion at the points where Deadpool’s hooves connected. Deadpool stepped off the pegasus and tapped his chin. “Oh man. Did I do steps three and four out of order again? I need to start making a checklist for this stuff. Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have another set of wings I could use as leverage would you?”

        “Ngh....”

        “Didn’t think so. Oh well, guess I’ll just have to find some-”

Splurg!

“-other way to get some info out of you. Also owwwwwwwww!”Deadpool whined as refocused his attention to the new pointy addition to his shoulder. It was one of his katanas. The same katana his killer used previously to practice division with his skull. As nice as it was to have the treacherous blade back, right now it was a messy and painful reminder that he had another punk that apparently wanted his attention.

        Deadpool turned towards his assailant, a burly gray earth pony, who stood eyes wide and mouth agape. He was probably expecting the sword plunging business to work out a bit better than it had. It probably would have too, if had bothered to aim for a vital or two or simply cut his head off. Seriously, who aims for the shoulder? Amateur. He might be big, but Deadpool doubted he knew anything about fighting.

        “Not that I don’t appreciate you returning my sword to me,” Deadpool said as he grasped the blade between his hooves. “But I don’t think this is how you’re supposed to cut into a conversation.”

        “Wh-what the buck?” the earth pony stammered out.

        “Hang on one second.”

With a pained groan, Deadpool pushed the sword back through his shoulder, causing to topple over into the trash beside him once it came loose. With nothing to hold it in, blood poured from the open wound like a faucet. It did not last long, as Deadpool’s healing factor quickly took effect and closed the wound as swiftly as the blade had created it. Deadpool gave his healed shoulder a few experimental shrugs before reaching for the sword and returning it to it’s sheath.

“So, as much as I’ve enjoyed rolling around in last week's lunch, what do you say we get some fresh air?” Deadpool rushed at the larger pony, taking advantage of the latter’s befuddlement. The element of surprise, coupled with Deadpool’s own considerable speed, allowed him to slip under the bulky pony and throw him off his hooves. He flailed his hooves around in the air in an attempt to regain balance, only to be held back by the tip of Deadpool’s hoof.

“Nononononono!” he pleaded.

“Going down!” Deadpool said as he pushed forward, sending the earth pony stumbling over the edge of the dumpster, a loud thud following seconds later. Deadpool peered over the edge and looked down at the earth pony, who was slowly attempting to right himself.

“Trust fall!”

The stallion on the ground didn’t have time to fully process the implications of the words before he felt a strong impact against his ribs, cracking one and eliciting a pained scream from the large pony. Deadpool had jumped off the dumpster elbow first, intent on inflicting as much pain as possible to the stallion before her was finished. He felt he was doing a pretty good job if his sobs were any indication. Deadpool rolled off the stallion and got to his feet.

“Thanks, buddy. I knew I could count on you,” the mercenary said cheerfully, drawing a katana and pressing it against the pony’s neck. “So, think I could take it off in one slash?”

“P-please... S-stop,” the burly pleaded pitifully.

“Because I don’t think I could. You got a neck like a tree trunk there. Plus it’s been awhile since I had this thing sharpened. Hell, I’d probably have to take some breaks to rest my arms. Would suck for you if you were still alive at that point.”

“I-I-I don’t-”

“Tell me who sent you!” Deadpool snapped, the pony under him wincing from the sudden change in his demeanor. “Who wanted me dead!? Tell me now or some movie producer is going to get a surprise under his bed sheets tomorrow morning!”

“It wasn’t us! I swear it wasn’t us! For the love of Celestia please don’t kill me!” the pony begged.

Deadpool cocked an eyebrow under his mask, stretching the fabric to relay the gesture. This bulky pony was begging for his life like a frightened little filly. It was hilarious. He wished he had a camera. But, also important, he claimed he hadn’t actually killed him earlier. And now that Deadpool thought about it... There were some major differences between these two and what he remembered.

“You... didn’t?” Deadpool asked slowly.

“No, no I swear! You believe me, right?”

“Well,” said, tapping a hoof to his chin. “Now that I think about it, you are kind of small compared to the ones who jumped me. And I haven’t seen you shoot lasers out of your eyes. Or turn your hair yellow.”

The gray stallion breathed a small sigh as Deadpool moved the blade off his neck. “So... I can go?”

“Yeah, sure,” Deadpool replied as he turned towards the alley’s exit. “Oh, and you might want to get your buddy to a hospital. Or the Rainbow Factory, heard they’re running low on blue, and are willing to pay good for it. Something to think about. Later!”

The large pony felt a small relief as the costumed psychopath finally started to leave. His broken rib would make it a painful trip out of the alley, and he’d need to find some help getting himself and his friend to the hospital, but he considered himself lucky that it didn’t get any worse.

“Oh, wait. That was rude of me. I should really give you something to apologize for this mix up, shouldn’t I?”

And suddenly he had a feeling of dread. Something about the masked mercenary’s tone sounded sinister. “Hu-huh? Th-that’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

“No, no, I insist! Say, weren’t you interested in my katanas?”

“Uh...”

Deadpool twirled one of his katanas in his hoof. “And lucky for you, I have plenty of spares. You wouldn’t believe how fast I go through these things. I should warn you, though, this thing has a nasty habit of burying itself in it’s owners flesh.”

The gray pony was beginning to catch on now. He rolled to his belly and attempted to rise to his feet to make a break for the main streets. However, in his injured state, Deadpool was able to pin him against the ground before he could get up. The costumed merc raised the blade up above the stallions shoulder.

“N-no! I-”

Deadpool didn’t let him finish. Instead, he impaled the stallion in the shoulder with so much force that the blade embedded itself in the pavement below him. The stallion cried out in agony, and attempted to lift himself off the ground. It proved to be a fruitless effort, the hilt of the blade was pressing against his back, and buried deep into the ground at a slight angle. This made it impossible to get the leverage he needed to be able to lift himself up, and any attempts to do so were incredibly painful.

“See what I mean? Not the most reliable companion if you ask me.” Deadpool said in the friendliest tone he could muster. “Anyway, I’d say this buries the hatchet between us. Well, katana, whatever. Close enough. Anyway, I have a date to get to, so I can’t really stick around to talk. Enjoy your new shoulder blade!”

With that, Deadpool left the bleeding earth pony and started wandering Canterlot as he gathered his thoughts. Okay,so he was killed by some group of rabid, bloodthirsty,  ponies that all looked exactly the same. That either meant that he was facing a mutant or that the changeling army had returned, assumed a form he wouldn’t take seriously, and jumped him all at once to ensure that the biggest threat to their invasion was taken care of prematurely.

Wait, that second one was stupid. If they didn’t want him to take them seriously they would have turned into Ant-Stallion.

So, a mutant with cloning powers! Okay, there were still questions to be answered, like why she killed him in the first place, but he could get those from her after he was done playing pin the sword on the pony.

No, wait, that was backwards again.

In any case, the hard part would be finding her. He wasn’t sure how long he was dead, and she could have gone anywhere after she finished him off. He had nothing to go off of other than how she looked, and it’s not like all his answers would smack him in the face.

A piece of paper flew into his face, earning a small smile from the merc. Worked every time. Deadpool pulled the paper off his face and held it in front of him. His jaw dropped when he saw its contents.

It was a recruitment flyer. It depicted a pink pony pointing out at the reader, wearing a whipped cream beard and a top hat adorned with Equestria’s colors and the princesses cutie marks, with a caption that read ‘Auntie Pinkie wants YOU to join the Avengers!’. The mare in question was, without a doubt, the one who had attacked him earlier.

He learned three things from the propaganda. One, his opponent had an incredible taste in fashion. Two, the Avengers apparently had a homicidal sociopath leading their PR. And three, her location; Avengers Mansion.

Some passersby looked over with confused expressions as the pony in the tattered costume broke into a fit of spontaneous laughter. Others just rolled their eyes and kept walking, mumbling something about hating Tuesdays. Both groups wisely kept their distance.

Deadpool himself was beaming under his mask. This was perfect! Not only did it give him her name, but now he knew exactly where to find her! Right here in Canterlot! In the most heavily guarded, super-powered, super villain thwarting part of Canterlot, but still! She had practically given him an invitation.

He had to go dress for the occasion. Get his best costume and favorite weapons. This was going to be so much fun.

“What was that!?”

Two ponies in colored uniforms, one a pegasus mare and the other an earth pony stallion, raced down the halls of the Avengers Mansion. The two of them, known to the public as Captain Equestria and Firebird, made up half of the original Avengers roster. The team had made enemies of some of the most cunning and powerful mutants in Equestria and beyond, so when the two of them heard an explosion within the walls of their own home, they were quick to jump to action.

“I don’t know, but it sounded like it came from the kitchen,” replied the captain.

Caramel, as he was known to his closest friends, had undergone perhaps the most drastic change of the entire group. The efforts of the late Professor Gene Therapy had transformed him, augmenting his natural earth pony magic along with his physical strength and endurance. On top of that, he was also given a one of a kind shield that was fortified with powerful enchantments, and decorated to match his uniform bearing the national colors and symbols of it’s flag.

“The kitchen? Is anypony in there?”

Spitfire, co-captain of the elite stunt team known as the Wonderbolts was well known even before she became an Avenger. The Celestia Event appropriately granted the fiery-maned pegasus pyrokinesis, as well as limited precognition. Thanks to her intuition, the Avengers were able to be exactly where they were needed and end would-be threats before they started.

“Yeah, Proper Place and...”

He trailed off and shot a look at his partner, who responded with a knowing nod. The two of them fell silent, allowing the sounds of flapping wings and beating hooves to echo through the halls as they ran towards their destination. Together they were invincible. There was no foe they could not bring down, even without the mighty Thor or the brilliant Iron Pony. No challenge they could not overcome.

Except one.

As the doors to the kitchen burst open, they saw that their fears had once again become a reality. The entire room had been repainted with a fresh and uneven coat of batter and dough. Pots, pans and various other kitchen utensils were pasted to the walls by the gooey mess and the ceiling was dripping batter. The two pony team took a sigh of equal parts relief and annoyance as they both looked at the doughy lump against the wall that had been giggling since they entered. The one pony that could thwart the Avengers time and time again.

“Pinkie, what happened here?” Firebird asked the lump accusingly.

“I was baking treats for the party!” A pair of light blue eyes and a bright smile appeared on the lump, and it sprang off the wall leaving a pony-shaped silhouette where it formerly rested. The dough-coated pony then opened her mouth and unleashed a hungry beast in the form of her tongue into the world.

It was a mildly disturbing and strangely fascinating sight to see a pony’s tongue stretch across her entire body. It moved as though it had a mind of it’s own, wrapping around it’s owner and licking the sticky substance clean off her coat, collecting it into one big, doughy ball. Within seconds, Pinkie’s pink coat and mane were spotless, and her tongue took it’s bounty back to it’s lair, stuffing her cheeks out like beach balls. Then, impossibly, she swallowed, the giant mass of dough sliding down her throat visible on the outside, all the way to her stomach. All evidence of it’s existence disappeared seconds after it reached her stomach, which expanded momentarily, then retracted to a normal, healthy size.

“Mmm! Yummy! Hey Spitfire, you should try this!”

“Uhhh... maybe later,” the pegasus responded with a look of mild repugnance before returning to the matter at hoof. “What happened here? We heard an explosion and now your treats are on the wall.”

“I’m terribly sorry, Lady Spitfire, I only took my eyes off her for a moment.” The three ponies looked over as another dough-covered pony, a unicorn, slowly rose up on the other side of the room. A yellow glow pulled the sticky mix from his coat, revealing an aged light blue stallion with a grayed mane wearing a butler’s garb underneath. “It would appear Miss Pie saw fit to upgrade the oven.”

“With some of Blue’s tech. Look at this,” Captain Equestria said, opening a metal suitcase with Prince Blueblood’s cutie mark emblemized on front of it.

“Yeah!” Pinkie chirped. “When Proper Place told me that we were getting more recruits today than ever before I got so excited and I just knew that I need to throw something super duper spectacular for them and that one little cake wouldn’t be enough but we only had one oven and they’re on their way right now so I thought ‘Hey Pinkie, Blue’s a really smart pony, I bet he has something that can help you cook faster’ so I took a peek around his lab and did you know that Blue was looking at legends about ‘Infinity Gems’ ‘cause I thought that was a great idea since Rarity’s birthday is coming up and an endless supply of gems would be like the best birthday present ever!”

“Pinkie. Hold on one second,” Captain Equestria said. “You got this out of Blueblood’s lab?”

“Yuperooni!”

“And I don’t suppose you happened to notice the note on the inside, did you?”

Pinkie blinked. “Note? What note?”

Captain Equestria spun the suitcase on the table so that it was facing towards Pinkie and Firebird. Sure enough, there was a note taped to the upper half, and both ponies leaned in to read it.

Dear Pinkie,

Inside this briefcase are experimental propulsion units designed to allow me to fly in Equestria’s upper atmospheres. To achieve this I had to increase the force of the thrust by several hundred newtons. Please do not attempt to integrate this technology into the oven or any other household appliance. Thank you.

Sincerely, Blue

P.S. I’m very sorry about the mess, Caramel. Believe me, I secured this case as best as I could. You understand.

“Oh. That note. Heh,” the pink mare said with a sheepish smile, shrinking back from Firebird’s burning glare. “Sorry.”

        “Pinkie!” Firebird scolded, “That was incredibly dangerous! What were you thinking!?”

        “That one little cake wasn’t going to be enough for a super duper spectacular party but that one little oven couldn’t cook fast enough and Blue’s tech could make it so it could! Weren’t you listening?”

        “I didn’t mean... Ugh.”

The yellow pegasus let out a groan, and decided to give the underside of her hoof a close-up inspection as her coltfriend just laughed and shook his head. He rounded the table and stood next to the mare as she regained her composure.

“I think what she’s trying to say,” he began, “is that we know you didn’t mean any damage, and I’m sure we’ll all have a laugh about this later, we’d appreciate it if you could take the time to look for instructions or warnings next time you try to make emergency upgrades to the kitchen, right?”

Spitfire looked over at Caramel, who gave her with an encouraging nod. Spitfire let out a deep sigh and rolled her eyes as the feeling of deja vu washed over her. Pinkie Pie was a valuable ally; it was largely thanks to her that they were able to defeat her ancient ancestor, who had come close to conquering Equestria. Yet, at the same time, it was largely due to her foolery that their headquarters required as much maintenance as it did.

Blueblood theorized that like her tendency to defy the laws of physics and rational thought, her eccentric personality may have been related to her heritage, and Thor himself acknowledged the possibility. They also pointed out that if this was the case, then there was also the possibility that the Celestia and Loki Events could have amplified those traits, and made a comparison between it and Caramel’s own augmentation. If it was true, it would stand to reason that her increased spontaneity was just another side effect.

Now Spitfire wasn’t sure she bought that, but she couldn’t deny the fact that nopony had ever been injured nor had there ever been any permanent damage to the building due to Pinkie’s antics, despite statistical improbability. And Pinkie was a good friend too, even if she could be infuriatingly childish at times. So she made a compromise with herself. Let Pinkie have her fun, but be firm on the house rules.

“...Yeah, right.” Spitfire said with just a hint of irritation, then pointed a hoof at Pinkie. “And make it a Pinkie Promise.”

The pink mare smiled, sitting back on her haunches and raising one hoof. “I promise not to put any more of Blue’s inventions in the oven-” Pinkie looked over at Spitfire as she loudly cleared her throat and shot her a look. “-or any other kitchen appliance without checking to see if Blue left any notes explaining not to add his inventions to the oven or any other kitchen appliance, cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” Pinkie bounced to her feet after completing the motions, giving the three ponies an expectant look. “Is that good?”

“Yes, thank you Pinkie.” Spitfire said with a nod, the temperature of the room seeming to drop a couple of degrees.

“Well then, now that that’s settled I believe I should see to this mess,” Proper Place said, the doors on a cabinet on the far side of the room labeled “ICPP” flying open and unleashing an army of cleaning supplies gripped by a yellow light that immediately started cleaning the messy kitchen. “I apologize, Miss Pie, but it seems I will be too preoccupied to assist you in preparing snacks for your party. And I do ask that you refrain from using the oven until Master Blueblood can safely remove his thrusters.”

“Oh... W-wait! But the recruits will be here any minute!” Pinkie said, pulling her mane down in an exaggerated panic. “Oh no this is terrible! I didn’t get a single cake or any treats done before the oven exploded! What am I going to do!?”

“Um, maybe you could have the party without baked goods?” Caramel suggested, but regretted instantly as Pinkie pulled him over to her by the collar of his uniform and pressed her forehead against his. She was growling like an angered Ursa Major but he couldn’t hear it, as her glare refused to let his attention be divided. Her eyes, which normally relayed nothing but joy, now threatened to burn through his skull as her glare burned with an intensity unmatched even by the sun and focused through her shrunken pupils like a lens. His blasphemy had earned him the demigod’s ire, as well as a glare that would normally be reserved only for those who broke a Pinkie Promise.

“This is no time for jokes!”

“S-sorry,” Carmel stammered, swallowing the lump that had built up in his throat. He suddenly felt a desperate need to think up a better suggestion “W-What I meant to say was, maybe there’s another way to cook them?”

Pinkie released him with a gasp and Caramel dropped to the floor, sweating bullets and hyperventilating. Pinkie’s smile had returned and her eyes were sparkling with inspiration.

“That’s it! You’re brilliant! Thanks Caramel! Hey Spitfire!”

At the mention of her name, the orange-maned pegasus blinked, snapping out of her daze. Pinkie’s outburst had caught her off guard, though not as much as Caramel, and it took her a second to respond.

“Oh, uh, yeah?”

“I need your help!”

“Okay, can you raise the temperature on your left wing?”

This is the last time, Spitfire thought, that I agree to help Pinkie without asking for details first.

The mare sighed as she complied with Pinkie’s request. Neatly placed on her back, wings and tail were a series of trays and pans and even fryers cooking just about everything from cakes to muffins to cookies to... some new recipe Pinkie thought up. Something to do with cherries. Apparently, her powers allowed her to bake them very efficiently. She'd have to remember to put that on her resume if she ever wanted to trade in her dignity to become the world's premier living all-purpose oven.

The constant snickering from her coltfriend wasn’t helping, either. She’d shoot him an occasional look and he’d act like he wasn’t staring and go back to helping Pinkie prepare the treats for serving. That was fine though, she’d get him back later.

“Pinkie, are you almost done? My wings are actually starting to get tired,” she asked.

“Just a teeny weeny bit longer! Look! This is the last cake” the pink mare said, lifting a pan of unbaked batter up to Spitfire’s face.

“Oh, well I don’t think there’s anymore room for more cake right now-”

“Don’t be silly! There’s room right here!” she said, placing the pan on the burning pony’s head.

The sight of his fillyfriend wearing a cake pan hat was apparently more than Caramel could take, as he promptly fell onto the table, holding his sides as he laughed uncontrollably. Meanwhile, Spitfire’s chagrin overtook her facial features, and she fell silent while simply allowing the treats to cook, although Pinkie had to inform her that her fires were burning just a bit too hot.

Proper Place had managed to get the kitchen spotless again, and not a moment too soon as the ponies heard the doorbell ring a moment later. The butler excused himself to lead the new arrivals to the Danger Field where they were scheduled to train that afternoon while they finished with the treats.

Proper Place opened the door to see a small group assembled outside, with more making their way past the front gate. The butler greeted each of the ponies as they arrived, checking their names off on the clipboard as he did. It took several minutes, but once everypony was accounted for, he cleared his throat to address the group.

“Thank you all for your patience. It would seem that everypony is now accounted for, so if everypony will just follow me I will lead you the the mansion’s famed Danger Field. Try to stay together, the mansion may appear relatively small on the outside but I assure you it is incredibly easy to get lost once we get to the lower levels, and if you wander off the building’s automated defenses may treat you as an intruder.”

Proper saw the uncomfortable looks that statement had earned him, and went on to elaborate. “Yes, unfortunately with the master away there is nopony with the authority to add you to the systems databanks. This is a temporary solution until his return. Do not worry, Prince Blueblood himself designed the system, and he has assured me that as long as you can refrain from attacking each other and do not attempt to enter any restricted areas, you will be perfectly safe. Simply follow my lead and we can get there without incident. Now come along.”

The butler led the ponies into the building. Meanwhile, up above, a costumed stallion flattened himself against the flat roof of the building, peeking over the side as he watched the ponies trickle in.

“Okay... So I gotta infiltrate some kinda superfreak genius’ fortress, complete with automatic pain dispensers,” he said. “Stupid cheating murdering little-”

“Hey!”

“-horse. Howdy officer!”

The mercenary jumped to his feet as a pegasus guard called out to him. Great, just great. The last thing he needed was “the man” making this harder than it already was. He took a deep breath. He could talk his way out of this, no problem.

“Identify yourself!” the pegasus shouted as he hovered over the roof next to Deadpool.

“Me? My name is Persistent Pest. I’m a door-to-door salesman.”

“On the roof?” The pegasus asked with a raised eyebrow.

“It’s a new marketing strategy we’re trying out. Upper management got tired of everypony slamming the door in our faces the second they saw us, so now we climb down from on top of the building behind them when they try to leave,” he explained cooly. “That way, they can’t run back inside before we pitch our product.”

“Uh-huh. And what exactly are you selling?”

“Bolas.”

The pegasus blinked. “Bolas?”

“Here! Free sample!”

To his credit, the guard reacted quickly. When Deadpool reached into one of the satchels on his costume he immediately attempted to tackle the mercenary to the ground. Unfortunately, Deadpool was no slouch himself. He jumped to the side to evade and tossed the weighted ropes at the pegasus.

The weights swung around the pony, tightly wrapping him with the ropes and binding his wings and both forelegs against his body. Unable to sustain his flight, the pegasus guard fell out of the air and landed near Deadpool. He struggled against his bindings as the costumed pony reached into another satchel, pulling out a green, egg-shaped object and removing a pin from it.

“Time for your pills. Say ‘Ahhhhh,’” he ordered to the squirming pegasus.

“AAAAGGGHHHHH- MPGH!” the pegasus shouted as Deadpool brought a leg down on his gut, causing him to scream in pain. Deadpool took the opportunity to shove the ovoid object into the guard’s open mouth.

“Eh, close enough,” he said. The guard attempted to spit the object out, only to be stopped as Deadpool covered his mouth. “Ah, ah ah, I wouldn’t do that. See, that’s an explosive in your mouth. It’s called a grenade. That lever clenched between your teeth? Let go of that and the whole thing blows up.”

The guard’s eyes shrunk, his former expression of anger and defiance changing to one of fear. He suddenly bit down on the grenade, attempting to keep it in place as opposed to spitting it out.

“That’s a good boy. Think of it as a big ol’ jawbreaker that explodes when you stop trying to crack your teeth on it,” he suggested, lifting the pegasus’ head to face him. “Now, since you’re not going anywhere, maybe you can lend me a hoof...”

“I’m just saying, I think it’s a good idea. Good publicity, and we raise some money for charity to boot.”

“We are a team of superheroes. We take down evil mutants, mad gods, and malevolent monstrosities. We are not having a superpowered bake sale.”

Firebird and Captain Equestria walked through the lower levels towards the Danger Field. Firebird, feeling justifiably disgruntled after her earlier embarrassment, was not eager to repeat the act in public, but her coltfriend seemed unwilling to let it go. She picked up her pace, hoping to make her way through the lengthy corridors Blueblood had crafted below the mansion and end the tiresome conversation to train the troops, but the good Captain persisted.

“Come on, you’re being stubborn. This is actually one of Pinkie’s better ideas. You’ll hurt her feelings if you say no.”

“She’ll get over it,” she said flatly as she trotted down the halls. “I have an image to keep. Can you imagine what the recruits would say after seeing me cooking goods on my back? They respect Firebird. Not Fryerbird.”

Caramel snickered. “Come on, you’re overreacting and you know it. The newbies would love to see a sense of humor from you once in awhile, and nopony’s going to think less of you for using your powers to raise money for charity. Besides, you won’t be alone. Pinkie thought it would be cool if I used my enhanced earth pony magic to grow all our crops on location, and she has a few creative uses for Thor’s powers too.”

“And this doesn’t seem like a waste of our powers to you?”

“Charity is never a waste. You know that. You’re usually the first aboard this kind of thing.”

“Usually I’m just adding fireworks to my usual flight routine. This is different!”

“Look,” Caramel started, raising a hoof in front of her to stop her. They had reached the door to the Danger Field, and he was not willing to let the conversation end just yet. “I saw how red-faced you got back there. And I’m used to looking like a goof, so maybe it’s easier for me to put my ego aside, but if you can stop worrying about the headline of the following day’s Equestria Daily for a few minutes you’ll know that it’s all worth it if we can raise a decent amount of money, and you know we will.”

“It’s...” Firebird stopped and took a deep sigh. She hated this idea. She hated everything about it. She hated the wasting time that could be better spent monitoring Equestria or recruiting. She hated the inevitable nicknames and pictures that would spawn from it. She hated the prospect of using her powers for anything less than a national emergency. But worst of all, she hated that despite all this, a part of her still agreed with her coltfriend.

        “Can we talk about this later?” she asked tiredly.

        “We can, if you promise that you’ll seriously consider it.”

        “I’ll... think about it. Come on, the recruits are waiting for us.”

        Caramel nodded, and lowered his hoof, following her lead inside. Past the door, the new recruits were already waiting with Proper Place, and a familiar scene played out in front of them.

        “-Timberwolves were created when trees evolved so they could run from Captain Equestria!”

        “I heard that Tatarus isn’t a prison; it’s just where monsters go to hide from Captain Equestria.”

        “I heard that he was an ancient earth pony champion that was frozen by a windigo. The princesses found him and thawed him out to defend the country from Loki!”

        “That one’s just crazy.”

        “Please, everypony, settle down. These are all just baseless rumors and jokes,” the butler said calmly. “I assure you, though, the captain is capable of remarkable feats on his own, and you will get to see him in action shortly.”

        “What about Firebird!? Is it true that phoenixes were born when she took pity on birds that failed to fly south for the winter?”

        “Does she really bathe in lava when she needs to cool off?”

        Caramel and Spitfire looked at each other with amused expressions. Some things never changed. After Spitfire let out a sharp whistle, the entire room turned towards the veteran Avengers. Outbursts of excitement were quickly shut down as the pegasus quickly got to work getting the rowdy ponies in position and briefed on the specifics of the training. Meanwhile, Caramel pulled Proper Place to the side.

        “Thanks for handling this for us, Proper. I know this isn’t exactly what you signed on for.”

        “Nonsense, Captain. It is an honor to serve national heroes and heroes-to-be, and I will happily provide any services I can offer,” he said with a sincere smile. “I trust the kitchen is still intact?”

        Caramel chuckled. “It was when we left. You go ahead, we’ll handle it from-”

        The door shut behind them. The steel dome around them began to disappear, an illusion taking effect and replacing it with a wasted field of battle. Everypony in the room looked around at the new scenery in confusion.

        “What’s going on!?” Spitfire shouted. “Who activated the Danger Field!?”

        The question went unanswered. Yet, their intentions quickly became clear. Around them, new shapes began to form. At first, nothing more than light vaguely resembling a shape of ponies or monsters, but they gradually began to take more distinct forms.

        The great green dragon Fin Fang Foom. The Juggernaut, a giant, well-toned gryphon. The Grim Reaper, an earth pony with a scythe in place of a hoof. A purple pony, rather the Purple Pony. The Dark Avengers. The Mad God. All simulations, yet still very dangerous. Still capable of killing. And more were being made every second. Whoever was at the controls was running all of it’s simulations at once.

        Proper Place felt a hoof usher him back towards the recruits. He looked back and saw Caramel, or rather, Captain Equestria raising his shield and preparing for a fight.

        “Get between those recruits so they can cover you, Proper. This is about to get ugly.”

        “What is going on? I thought the only ones here who could activate the Danger Field besides you two was Miss-”

        “Answers later, Proper! Go, now!”

        The butler obeyed, running into the group of Avenger trainees as they took positions to cover him. Firebird and Captain Equestria looked over at each other. Proper Place was correct, only certain ponies could activate the Danger Field, the founding Avengers, the Princesses, and Pinkie Pie. Yet somepony was now using it as a weapon against them.

        The mystery would have to wait. The Juggernaut charged. Captain Equestria’s shield connected with the gryphon’s head, and Firebird struck her side, releasing an explosion of flame that sent the monstrous gryphon skidding down the open warfield, trailing a giant cloud of dirt behind her.

        “Listen up recruits!” Firebird shouted back, while keeping her eyes forward on the forming opponents.. “The mansion has been compromised! We are trapped, and we have a civilian to protect. These are holograms, not living beings, so do not hold back. Hit them with everything you have!”

Fin Fang Foom breathed a torrent of flame at the group, Firebird flew in to intercept, releasing a fiery stream of her own. The two collided, sending wild flames and sparks flying  from the junction. Firebird intensified her own flames, pushing the fire back down Foom’s throat, causing the dragon to roar in pain before collapsing. Firebird called back out to the recruits.

“Stay in formation, attack together, and keep Proper Place safe. Now go!”

Meanwhile, in the control room, a familiar pink pony stared at the window. A shutter had closed over the window in front of her, but she could hear the sounds of conflict coming from inside. Getting in was as easy as they said it would be, and trapping the Avengers was even easier. She had done as they asked, now it was her turn to get what she came for. Although she still had to keep an eye on the control panel, and keep the programs running, she had come with backup.

She held up a slip of paper. It seemed like nothing special, just a small scrap with an unreadable character on it, but she know the power it held. She threw outward, and the paper suddenly became engulfed in what appeared to be pink fire. The flame sat in midair, shooting off embers that flashed upon reaching the ground. With each flash, a new pony appeared. Well, not really “new” she supposed. More like the same pony, duplicates, a reflection of their original. The one that killed them all before. And the one she would have her revenge on today.

Eventually, the flame burned out, and the room was filled with... her.

“Fun?” one asked.

“Yes, there will be plenty of fun. In fact, who wants to play hide and seek?” The room uproared in a chorus of “me”, and the pink pony smiled. “Good. There’s a pony that looks like us hiding here in the mansion, first one to bring her to me wins!”

        “Ooo, but, how do we know which us it is!?” asked another excitedly.

        “You’ll know,” she responded simply. “Trust me.”

        She turned back towards the console as the other mares left in a hurry, racing each other to be the first to find the other them. Once they were gone, and the room was again empty, she pulled another slip off of the stack on the control panel. Tossing it into the middle of the room, the slip ignited into a pink flame. The process repeated, and a new group appeared.

        “Fun?”