Cranky Doodle Daddy

by TheSnarkKnight30

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy
Length: 3265

Twilight Sparkle turns her friends into fillies when she tries to use a new spell. Cranky Doodle Donkey is asked to help Derpy Hooves take care of six pint-sized terrors.

Twilight Sparkle turns her friends into fillies while trying a new spell. Cranky Doodle Donkey is asked to help Derpy Hooves take care of six pint-sized terrors. Will he be able to conquer his struggles with fatherhood?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-13 04:00:55 UTC

Chapter 1

Cranky rubbed his old tired eyes and poured himself a hot cup of coffee just like any typical Saturday morning. He drank his coffee black. He used no sugar or milk to sweeten it up. He started reading the news paper to make sure there wasn’t any more Gabby Gums articles about his bald head hidden under his wig. He didn't want to be the laughing stock of Ponyville again. Matilda went out shopping for some apples, carrots, and oats. Cranky had the whole house to himself. He didn’t mind being home alone. It was the only time for him to get some peace and quiet in the day. He heard a knock at the door. He contemplated for a moment on whether or not he should answer it.

“Ugh! Company…” Cranky moaned. He opened the door expecting Pinkie Pie to throw him a big rambunctious party of some kind. Instead, Derpy Hooves stood in front of the door with a heavy sack resting on her shoulder.

“What do you want?” He asked glaring at her with his icy blue eyes that matched his cold heart.

“I have a problem.” Derpy Hooves said nervously.

“You’re going to have an even bigger problem if you don’t get your flank off my lawn!” Cranky grumbled trying to slam the door in her face. Derpy stopped him from closing the door with her hoof. Cranky let out a deep sigh of exhaustion.

“Wait! This is important!” Derpy said with panic in her voice. Cranky rolled his eyes and let her come inside his house. A piece of him felt pity for the helpless cross-eyed mare. “Twilight was trying to use a spell to see her friends foalhood. I tried to give a letter from Princess Celestia, but I bumped into her. Then there was a big bang, and now they turned into fillies.” Derpy Hooves said.

“I don’t have any magic. What do you want me to do about it?” Cranky asked.

“I took them to Zecora. She said they’ll be back to normal when the clock strikes midnight. I can‘t take care of them all on my own. There‘s six of them and only one of me.” Derpy replied.

“Why should I help you foalsit? It’s your fault that they got turned into fillies in the first place.” Cranky said raising his monotone voice. Derpy took a few steps back.

“Please, sir. I can’t do this alone.” Derpy begged.

“Where are they?” He asked. Derpy put the mailbag in front of him. Six tiny fillies lay huddled into a ball. He recognized the pink filly at the top of the pile as Pinkie Pie. He owed her for finding his long lost lover, Matilda four months ago. He stroked Pinkie Pie’s mane with his hoof. They were all so adorable, even Cranky couldn’t resist.

“Fine. I’m sure they won’t be too much trouble.” Cranky said. Derpy put the sack full of sleeping fillies down on the sofa.

“Thank you. I borrowed some foal supplies from Mr. and Mrs. Cake.” Derpy said.

“Why couldn’t they take care of them?” He asked.

“ Because they were busy working at the bakery and taking care of the twins. What should we do when they‘re asleep?” Derpy asked sitting on the couch and kicking her feet back and forth with anticipation.

“Find a way to amuse ourselves, I guess.” He said resuming the crossword puzzle he was working on in the news paper. Derpy reached into the sack and took out a rattle.

“Check out the cool maraca thing Mrs.Cake gave me.” Derpy said shaking the rattle in he air. The rattle woke up the fillies in the bag. The sack began to rustle about. The fillies cried noisily from inside of the bag.

“ Oh no! I think the fillies are sad. What should we do?” Derpy asked patting Rainbow Dash on the back. She patted each of the sobbing fillies on the back. Applejack gnawed on the wooden chair leg with her undeveloped teeth.  Cranky pulled Applejack by the tail forcing her to let go.

“Get that out of your mouth! You don’t eat chairs! We should give them some lunch to eat.” Cranky replied. He put each of the weeping fillies in a chair. “Put the bibs on.” Cranky demanded. Derpy paused for a moment.

“ Okay, Mr. Donkey. Do you think we look silly in these bibs?” Derpy asked picking up the bib and tying it around her neck. Cranky Doodle looked down and ripped the bib off of his neck.

“Not on me, you idiot. On the fillies.” Cranky snapped. “Nevermind,  I’ll put the bibs on them. You could make the foal food.” Cranky said rolling a carrot to her end of the table.

“ I don’t know how.” Derpy said poking the carrot with a spoon. She never cooked anything on her own before.

“ All you have to do is put the carrots in the blender and press start.” Cranky said tightly fastening the bibs around the hungry fillies' necks.

“That sounds easy.” Derpy said loading the blender up with carrots. Derpy pressed the start button with her hoof. Nothing happened. “Why isn’t it working?” Derpy asked pushing the button a few more times for good measure.

“Because you don’t have it plugged into the wall, you halfwit.” Cranky said plugging the cord into the outlet.  Derpy pressed the button again. The blender began to shake and carrot mush splatters all over the walls. Carrot goop drizzled down his grumpy face. Cranky put the lid on the blender and slammed his hoof on the table making the silverware shake.

“I just don’t know what went wro-” Derpy said.

“SIT DOWN!” Cranky shouted pushing her onto a chair. Derpy Hooves shuddered.

“ I’m sorry, Mr.Donkey. I just don’t know what happened.” Derpy said.

“Quiet!” Cranky said.

“But!” Derpy said pointing at Rainbow Dash standing on the edge kitchen table. Rainbow Dash spread out her wings.

“But nothing. I don’t need your help.” Cranky said shoving the pacifier in her mouth. Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Twilight began to lick the carrots off of the table. All of the mares except for Rarity and Rainbow Dash let out a little burp. Cranky picked up Rarity and patted her on the back. Rarity pouted. No matter how hard he patted on her back she refused to let out a burp. Even as a filly her size, Rarity still wanted to be treated like a lady. Rainbow Dash opened her little blue wings and leaped off of the table.

“No!” Cranky shouted. He galloped over to try to catch Rainbow Dash, but he slipped on the squishy carrot goop. He landed on the ground with a thud. Rainbow Dash flapped her wings as she could with no prevail. Rainbow Dash dropped to the ground hitting her head off of the chair. Rainbow Dash cried loudly. Cranky scooped Rainbow Dash up off of the floor and put her on the bottom stair. As soon as he turned his back, Rainbow Dash crawled her way up the stairs.

“Why didn’t you tell me that she was going to jump?” Cranky asked losing his temper. “You can’t fly.” He scolded Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash scowled at him.

“You told me to be quiet.” Derpy said looking down at her hooves in shame. Her ears drooped to the side of her head. “ I guess I’m not fit to be a mommy.” Pinkie Pie crawled on to the table while Cranky was busy yelling at Derpy Hooves for letting Rainbow Dash dive off of the table. Pinkie Pie drank the coffee out of Cranky’s mug. Pinkie Pie didn’t like the taste of the coffee, but she enjoyed the rush of energy she got after she swallowed it. Her body began to tremble like a jack hammer from the overabundance of caffeine. Pinkie Pie licked the coffee off of her lips.

“What’s the matter with Pinkie?” Derpy asked. Cranky looked inside his empty mug in horror. His jaw dropped and his eyes widened like saucers. Pinkie Pie had already chugged down every last drop of the coffee. Cranky knew that Pinkie Pie was a never-ending fountain of energy without coffee. Cranky couldn’t imagine how hyper she would be if she drank coffee.

“Oh no!” He whispered. Pinkie Pie launched herself in the air like a rocket and galloped around on the ceiling. All they could see was a bright pink blur bouncing off the walls. Pinkie Pie cracked the window with her hoof as she sprang herself into the air. Pinkie Pie screeched in Cranky's floppy ears. Then she began jumping up and down on her pink curly tail. She lost all control over her muscle spasms. Pinkie Pie babbled faster than a sonic rain boom. Neither Derpy nor Cranky could understand the gibberish coming from Pinkie Pie's mouth.

“ Get down from there!” Cranky yelled at the ceiling.

“ I’ll get her!” Derpy said flying off of the chair. Derpy Hooves grabbed Pinkie by the with her teeth. Pinkie Pie sprinted up the stairs making Derpy’s chin slam into each step.  Her grey feathers fell all over the stairs.

Applejack knocked over Matilda’s favorite vase. The flowers and soil land on the rug like rain. Applejack rolled around in the soil and left muddy hoof prints all around the house.

Rarity stepped on the dirty rug. Her eyes that were much too big for her face filled with tears. Cranky picked up Rarity. Her diaper smelled like three week old garbage. Cranky put his front hoof over his nose blocking the stench out of his nostrils. He took off her dirty diaper.

Twilight tried to learn how to use her magic. Her horn lit up. The furniture floated up in the air. Lamps, tables chairs, and silverware danced around the room. The sofa crashed into Cranky. A cloud of baby powder filled the room. Applejack sneezed. Pinkie Pie giggled. Derpy grabbed Pinkie Pie and tied her to the chair with the blender cord tangling herself up in the process. Pinkie Pie's body struggled and twitched. Cranky fell backward onto the piano. Cranky winced in pain as he rubbed the bump on his head. Derpy opened up a window. The cloud of baby powder faded away. Cranky saw Rainbow Dash standing on the railing through the vanishing cloud. Rainbow Dash bent her knees preparing for take off.

“ Don’t you dare jump. You know what happened last time. I’m going to count to three. One….Two…” Cranky said putting his front legs out to catch her. Rainbow Dash ignored him and pounced off of the railing face first into the wall. Rainbow Dash screamed so loud that Cranky cringed. Derpy helped Rainbow Dash up to her hooves and wiped the tears out of her eyes.

“Wait a second… Wasn’t there six fillies before the baby powder spilled?” Cranky asked as he mopped Applejack's muddy hoof prints off of the floor.

“I think so! Why?” Derpy asked as she distracted Twilight from using her magic with the rattle. Twilight shook the rattle back and forth with her magic.

“Where’s the quiet yellow one?” Cranky asked. Derpy Hooves franticly searched around the living room.

“Fluttershy!” Derpy gasped.

Chapter 2

Derpy peeked her little grey head underneath the couch letting her mane hang down her face. She tried her best not to wake up the five sleeping fillies. They tossed and turned to try to get into a comfortable position. Nopony would have ever guessed that six innocent little ponies could make such a mess. Trails of dirty hoof prints covered the newly waxed floors along with the splinters from the broken tables and chairs. A cold draft comes into the house through the broken window.

“Do you see her?” Cranky asked as he checked inside the trashcan full of dirty diapers. He wished that Matilda would return from the grocery store to lend him a hoof or better yet, that he didn’t offer to help the wall eyed mare at all.

“Nope!” Derpy said hitting her head off of the couch.

“What are you good for anyway?” He asked. He turned around and kicked the trash can in frustration.

“I can blow bubbles with my spit. That could be useful.” Derpy said looking behind the curtain. Crank narrowed his tired eyes at Derpy Hooves.

“For nothing.” He grumbled as he checked underneath the piano.

“I’ll do my best to help you.” Derpy said.

“I think you’ve helped quite enough. Why did you ask for my help in the first place?” He asked.

“I’m not supposed to tell you. It’s a secret.” Derpy whispered.

“A secret? What kind of a secret?” He asked.

“Matilda said I’m not supposed to tell you.” Derpy said.

“Tell me what?” He asked raising his voice.

“That Matilda wants a foal.” Derpy blurted out. The room went dead quiet. Derpy covered her mouth with her hoof. Cranky’s eyes widened.

“What?” He asked.

“She said she has been trying to give you hints that she always wanted a foal for years. She was afraid to ask. Now she thinks it’s too late and she wants to adopt one. This was all a test to see if you would be a good father.”Derpy said. The thought of Matilda being unhappy never crossed his mind. For most of his life he was more concerned with his own problems. It disturbed Cranky that she was more comfortable talking to the wall eyed mare than her own husband.

“The spell was only supposed to be casted on Pinkie. I accidentally made Twilight mess up and she turned them all into fillies.” Derpy continued.

“So you asked for help and then lied to me? Is that the thanks I get? My love life isn’t any of your business.” He asked stomping his hoof on the ground so hard that he woke up the fillies. The frightened fillies wailed in despair. Rainbow Dash rubbed her sleepy eyes with her hooves. Pinkie Pies lip quivered. Rarity sobs loudly. Twilight covers her ears with her hooves. Applejack covers her eyes with her oversized hat.

“I’m sorry.” Derpy whimpered.

“GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” He shouted.

Derpy’s ears drooped down. Derpy threw her mailbag over her shoulder and sadly walked out the door. Derpy sat on a rock all by herself. The rain made all of the mail in the bag get soggy. The pouring rain washed away her tears. She suddenly feels something squirming in her mailbag. Derpy shook Fluttershy out of the sack. She covered her face with her wing. Derpy lifted Fluttershy up and flew in a circle gleefully.

“I founded you!” Derpy said wrapping her front legs around her. Fluttershy giggled. “I better go tell Cranky that you’re okay.” Derpy said.

Cranky wandered around the house half cleaning half trying to find Fluttershy. He heard Matilda come into the house.

“I’m sorry I’m late. How was your day, honey?” She asked pretending to be unaware of the situation.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you wanted a foal?” He asked numbly. He didn’t even turn around to look at her. He just looked inside the cabinets for Fluttershy.

“I didn’t know if you were ready to be a father. I thought that maybe you would want one after you saw how cute they were.” She said.

“What’s wrong with what we have now? We don’t need a foal.” He grumbled.

“But she needs us.” Matilda said.

“She? You have one already picked out? When was I supposed to find out about this?” He asked coldly.

“I was going to tell you. Her name is Scootaloo. I’m sure she won’t be as much of a hoof full as si newborn fillies. Rainbow Dash told me she doesn’t have a family a few weeks ago. I just wanted her so badly.” Matilda pleaded.

“We’re too old to be looking after some snot nosed foal.” He snapped.

“Forget it! You’re too heartless to be a father.” She yelled choking back tears. Matilda charged up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door shut. He heard a knock on the door.

“What do you want?” Cranky groaned.

“I found Fluttershy.” Derpy said. Her drenched mane covered her grinning face.

“Whoopty doo!” He said snatching Fluttershy out of her hooves. “Now go away!” He said slamming the door in her face. He put Fluttershy down beside the other fillies. Before he could go back to cleaning the house, Pinkie hugged his front leg and smiled at him.

“Oh, no you don’t.” He said putting her back on the couch. Pinkie Pie pouted. He took the hat off of Applejack’s head while she was asleep. He covered Pinkie’ eyes and played Peekaboo. Pinkie Pie giggled. He began to change his mind about Scootaloo. He galloped out the door.

The clock struck midnight and Twilight and her friends returned to their original age.

“Ugh! What happened?” Rainbow Dash moaned.

“Where are we?” Twilght said putting her hoof on her aching head.

“Hey, look! Rarity is suckin’ on her hoof!” Applejack chuckled. Rarity quickly took her hoof out of her mouth. She tried to hide her embarrassment.

“I certainly was not sucking my hoof!” Rarity said trying to look sophisticated.

“What are we doing at Cranky’s house? Are we having a party?” Pinkie said.

“We’re in Cranky’s house? I hope he doesn’t mind.” Fluttershy said timidly.

“Spike must be worried sick about us.” Twilight added.

“Yeah. We better git goin’.” Applejack said putting her hat back on and walking out the door.

“Derpy! Wait!” He shouted to Derpy. Derpy turned around and landed on the ground.

“What?” Derpy asked.

“Could you go to get Scootaloo for me while I watch the fillies?” He asked. Derpy nods and flies up into the air. She disappears into a sea of rain clouds.

“Scoots, wake up!” Derpy said nudging Scootaloo.

“What happened?” Scootaloo said.

“You’re going to meet your new mommy and daddy.” Derpy said.

“Really?” She said leaping into the air. “I can’t wait to tell Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo cheered as she followed Derpy to Cranky’s cottage.

“I’m so nervous. What if they don’t like me?” Scootaloo asked standing in front of the porch.

“Your new mommy is very nice. Your new daddy might need a little time to get used to you.” Derpy replied.

Scootaloo hesitantly knocked on the door.

“Come in! Hurry!” Cranky said opening the door.

“Who keeps knocking on that door?” Matilda asked as she trotted down the stairs.

“Hi, mommy.”Scootaloo said.

“Oh! She’s so beautiful. Is she coming to stay with us?” She said. Cranky nodded happily.

“This is nice and all, but does your house always look like this?” Scootaloo asked.

Cranky and Matilda laughed in unison.

“That was sort of my fault. Sorry!” Derpy said.

“Thank you so much, Derpy! Good night!” Cranky said. Derpy waved goodbye and flew back to Cloudsdale.

“I wish I could fly like that!” Scootaloo said.

“Someday we’ll teach you how to fly. Maybe you’ll even be a Wonderbolt like Rainbow Dash.” Cranky said. Scootaloo flapped her wings cheerfully.

“Do you really think so?” She asked.

“You could do anything you put your little mind to.” Matilda said patting her mane.

“What about getting my cutie mark?” She asked.

“You’ll get one one day. You’re lucky to be a Pegasus. Donkeys like me don’t get cutie marks. I still don’t know what my special talent is.” He said.

“I think yours would be for being a good daddy.” Scootaloo said putting her head on Cranky’s shoulder.