Derpy the Maretician

by Martinator42

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Dark, Comedy
Length: 1303

Will Derpy Hooves do a good job of being Ponyville's new mortician?

Since being fired from the Ponyville post office, Derpy Hooves takes on the role of being the local mortician. Her first job is already proving to be quite interesting.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-30 15:30:02 UTC

Derpy the Maretician

“Are you sure that we can trust you with this, Derpy?” Princess Celestia raises a brow and awaits a response from her ditsy subject.

Applying for a job at the local Ponyville mortuary is not a task that anyone could have expected Derpy Hooves to take. Though, after losing her first job as a mailmare due to several incorrect deliveries, she was desperate for any form of work. On top of it all, not many have been accepting of her… visual impairment. Thus, finding a replacement job has not proven to be an easy task for the wall-eyed mare. However, she figured that handling corpses was perfect for her, since dead ponies seem to give her a much easier time than living ponies do.

Even now, she cringes inwardly at the subtle condescending words of the princess standing before her.

“Don’t you worry, princess!” She pipes up optimistically, hovering over to the coffin. She makes sure not to fly too high off the ground or too close to the shelves with the cosmetics meant for the deceased. Derpy finds it funny that one should need to give the dead a makeover. It is not like they are going to get any prettier. “I promise that everything will go right.” With a beaming smile, she looks to her ruler confidently.

Celestia sighs a great sigh and turns to leave the room, shaking her head slowly to herself. “It is important that he looks presentable for the service. It is an open casket funeral. Do not let us down, my little pony.” With a trying smile, the pearl white alicorn closes the door behind her with a magic beam.

Derpy flips open the heavy coffin lid and examines the lifeless body within. The soft white coat even looks cold; the colour reflecting that of a winter’s snow. Tightly hugging its form is an exquisite black tuxedo, perfectly accentuating the well built figure of this poor pony.

As the grey mare rubs her hooves together for added warmth, she finds herself transfixed by the complete stillness of the corpse in front of her. Not even the nearly inconsequential rise and fall of his chest to suggest breathing can be seen. This pony is as dead as a doornail.

“Well, Shining… let’s get to work.”

*****

Close to an hour later, another knock graces the door to her workroom. Derpy quickly washes her hands in the sink next to the table, and then floats her way to the door. She opens it to find a friend of hers standing there, almost as still as Shining Armor’s corpse, save for the soft shaking of this lavender mare’s body.

“M-may I come in, Derpy?” Twilight asks, her voice clearly hoarse and mournful. She looks to the ex-mailmare with broken, bloodshot eyes. She has been crying, Derpy tells herself.

“Of course, Twilight.” Instead of using her wings, the grey pegasus slowly walks back to the coffin. Twilight follows hesitantly behind her, as if unsure if she can handle the sight of her brother. Still, she presses on until the motionless body of her fallen sibling rests beneath her sorrowful gaze. Her eyes wander lazily over her brother’s figure, almost disbelieving that so soon into his line of duty as captain of the royal guard, he should die for Equestria. The war in South Amareica is a great tragedy that has claimed the lives of many good soldiers. Chalk another one up for Equestria.

“My b-big brother… best friend… f-for…“ The unicorn’s heart catches in her throat, rendering her unable to continue. Twilight bites her lower lip to hold back tears.

With an assuring smile, Derpy rests a hoof on her friend’s shoulder. “He was a brave stallion, Twilight.”

Twilight turns away from the gesture not so much ungratefully, but as a distraction from getting too emotional. She has shed enough tears, and she knows it is still not enough. “Let’s just get this over with.” Forcing a deep breath, she turns back to face her mortician and begins business. “Cadence and I have both had a change of heart. We feel that our Shining would be more presentable in a blue suit, to match his mane.”

With a look of confusion, the grey pony knows that this request means more work. And more work means that there is so much potential for things to go horribly wrong.

“Oh, but he looks so good in this--“

“Please.” Twilight blurts out pleadingly.

The maretician looks back and forth between the saddened expression of her friend and her brother in the casket. Truth be told, Derpy has never had to change the clothes of a dead pony before… let alone a male pony. She blushes lightly at the thought of her inexperience in both situations. But as she silently recalls Princess Celestia’s words, it really does not seem like there is a choice for her.

“If that’s what you want, Twilight.”

The lavender mare sighs in relief and even manages a small smile to her friend. “Thank you. I’ll be back later to check up on this.” And she leaves without another word.

The ditsy pegasus contemplates the circumstance; her mind working overtime in trying to determine the simplest way of going about this.

“How can I make this easy?” She asks herself, deeply wracking her brain for a solution.

*****

Time presses on, and once again, the tell-tale knock on Derpy’s door tells her the family is here to see Shining’s body. She approaches the door with a smile on her face. She did a good job, if she may say so. The grey mare extends her hoof and opens the door to find Twilight and her parents, Princess Cadence, and even both the lunar and solar princesses make an appearance.

“I hope you all like the work I put into this.” Derpy says beamingly.

All six of the ponies look down into the coffin to see what the end result is… and all six simultaneously show surprise in how elegant Shining looks in this blue suit. It is a very soft, almost suede fabric that reeks of current fashion, also known as “Rarity Approved”. It appears expensive, highly refined, and very fitting for Shining Armor’s toned body. His facial features practically seem to glow with new life as the suit perfectly accents the angular edges of his cheekbones. On top of that, it matches his mane perfectly.

The family members all smile in unison, while Princess Luna and Princess Celestia exchange a content nod of the head with each other. Twilight looks appreciatively towards Derpy and steps forward to offer her thanks and praise.

“Derpy, this looks amazing on him! Where did you find the suit? And so quickly?”

The grey pegasus takes a deep breath, ready to explain everything to her audience.

“Well, I have another stallion that I am working on for another family.” She points to another coffin at the back of the room. “When I was working on his hooves, I noticed that he was wearing a wonderful blue suit. And then, I remembered how you wanted Shining here to wear a blue suit instead of the black one. Even more of a coincidence, the other family requested the other deceased stallion to be suited up into a black tuxedo. And from there it was easy.”

Princess Celestia, hesitant upon hearing this explanation, walks to the other coffin and opens it. Inside, is a white coated stallion with a blue mane in a black tuxedo. She turns back to Derpy with that reproachful raised eyebrow.

“Derpy… Did you swap their suits?” The princess of the sun inquires with trepidation.

All the mortician does is giggle and shake her head. “Nope.”

All six of the visiting ponies sigh in chorus.

“I swapped their heads.”