The Most Uninspiring Brony Story Ever

by InvertedInflux

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Comedy
Length: 11067

By a completely clichéd twist of fate, a brony finds himself in Equestria. Unfortunately, he's really missing out on some internet time and is not amused. This can't go well.

A brony is sent to Equestria to "repent his sins". If this was your regular pony fan he'd be grateful for the opportunity. Unfortunately, it isn't.

This brony has read his fair share of boring HiE FanFics and is determined to juice up the old formula and make his a success.

By whatever means he regards necessary.

Rated teen for strong language and suggested themes. Also to clarify: this is meant as a joke. Also: major editing soon due to horrendous grammar. Another also: currently on mini-hiatus.

Published 2013-04-30 18:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-23 16:41:12 UTC

The Most Bafflingly Brilliant Chapter Ever

“Well it turns out that the God of Chaos has figured out a way to defeat the Elements of Harmony. So we need you to help us.”

Wait, did I just go back in time? HOLY SH-

Ah wait, no, it's just a quick recap to the epic conclusion of the first segment. Damn it.

Also time travel isn't much when you're currently in the land of the talking multicoloured horses. Not even LSD could have conjured this shit up.

***

“Yeah sure, I'll help you defeat Discord.”

“Discord? I didn't say his name. How did you know? Are you his spy?!”

I don't even know how she reached that clearly racially-based conclusion. I'm black by the way. Would've mentioned that earlier but didn't think it would advance the plot then. To be honest, it hasn't now either.

“Lucky guess.”

“Oh, okay then.”

That's about the level of complexity and banter you can come to expect from this story. Admit it, you're on the edge of your seat right now, practically drooling all over the screen.

Feel free to make out with it if you see fit.

Several moments passed as I waited for Twilight not to act like her boring self. Unfortunately, she lived up to the hype and returned to reading. I swear, once this story is done I'm publishing it and making her read it. This thing is gonna be like on par with the Bible when I'm done.

“Sooo... what the fuck should I do?”

“Oh, nothing right now. I'm waiting for Celestia to send something through. Go explore Ponyville!”

Seriously? You drop this “the whole world's in danger” shit on me and then tell me to enjoy the town? In full knowing that my own life is at risk and could be brutally extracted at any given moment. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Oh yeah forgot, I need to get some mates. Or something like that.

Life just seems generally a lot easier when animated. It's like “Oh no, the Unimaginably Evil Nightmare Moon has returned! Quick, common ponies unite and bring her down with friendship!” And it works. You don't have to worry about anything else.

Diabetes sneaking in and striking you down when you're least expecting it? Nope.

Cardiac Arrest? Nope.

Spontaneous Combustion? Yes, actually. And she lived to tell the tale.

Makes. No. Fucking. Sense. Whatsoever.

Anyway, enough of this stupid tree-house, let's go visit the finest dysfunctional fuckwits Equestria has to offer.

***

In all honesty, I was pretty excited now. This was confirmed by my raging erection which was currently confused, struggling between desire and moral integrity.

I restrain myself from having a quick beat off and looked around.

The first pony that I saw of any particular interest was the legendary Doctor Whooves. The peak of masculinity himself. If anypony would turn me bisexual it would be him for sure.

There he was, chilling by the wall, swag levels over 9000 and rising.

I stroll over, doing some sort of groovy jig as I move, trying to get into his elite bracket of coolness ( he was currently the only member). It seemed as to him it wasn't a groovy dance at all but instead some sort of mating call as he quickly began to flee in case of indecent sexual assault.

Again, racism.

Because I'm human, not because I'm black. You silly person.

“Wait! I have to know, can you actually time travel?” I called out.

Out of nowhere the TARDIS appears and he jumps in before being whisked away to fuck knows where. Seriously, ask Fuck. He knows all right.

Guess he could time travel then. By the way, hope you enjoyed my vivid description of the TARDIS materialising after ripping the fabric of time and space itself. Really brought the scene to life there.

But honestly, that was a legit dance I swear. Don't judge me. If you haven't already that is. Which is most likely. Now you are being racist.

Okay who next should I pester?

Pinkie Pie answered that question by popping out of fucking nowhere. Seriously, I almost had a heart attack right there. You think it's funny on TV with all her randomness but to see it in the flesh... fucking scary man.

Flesh as in technicolour.

She followed up that act by taking a huge breath before proceeding to talk.

“Hey, I didn't get to take you around earlier! We shoul...”

It was at that point I covered my ears. I wonder what would have happened first: my ears bleeding out or her getting throat cancer. Honestly, who can talk for that long?

Someone must have dropped her on her head when she was young.

Drop? Drop as in hurl off fucking Mt. Everest.

Twice.

The verbal onslaught eventually ended and she started to lead me through Ponyville. Of course, the talking resumed seconds later. Seriously, shut it Pinkie you nonsensical shitcunt.

She seemed intent on leading me to the bakery where she worked? Really? Out of all the fucking places in this mythical land we go to a stupid bakery. Oh you think it's interesting? Believe me, I've seen it and it's nothing compared to MaccyDs.

Fuck this.

I flee the scene, screaming cries of anguish, claiming to have been violated, again to no response. I'm starting to think my play-acting doesn't really have the same affect as it does back on Earth.

After a few minutes of aimless wandering, the boring details of which I excluded here (again, there I am, caring for the reader), I came to that town square place where all the good shit happens.

You know the one. Well you better, because like everything else I ain't describing it in detail.

Up ahead was Applejack and Applebloom selling... wait for it... WAIT FOR IT... YOU WAITING BOY??

Apples.

Now did I tell you I was the smoothest dude around back on planet E? Well I was. I had pulled many a time. I was in such high demand I even considered putting an official advertisement up on Craigslist.

Well now was the time to get my chirpse on. Let's hope my sick skills extend to horses.

“Howdy partner, y'all interested in these apples?” Applejack asks. Now I know you can't hear her, but take my word for this; her voice was horny as fuck. She was practically begging to be taken to Pleasure Town. Yeah. Right there in front of Applebloom.

Slut.

“I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.”

My words were as smooth as silk.

The trap was set. My body was ready. Awaiting the bite...

“Y'all say what now?”

OOH YEAHHH– wait, what? I seem to be misinformed: she doesn't want it? Well to be fair, that line didn't work in Anchorman so I don't see how it would work on a horse. Still, according to the show, 99% of these ponies have never even touched the opposite sex. Either there's something dirty going on behind the scenes or they all pleasure themselves in private on a daily basis.

I still don't know how I haven't had a bash yet. But don't worry, it's coming; IN GLORIOUS TECHNICOLOUR.

“I'll have some apples is what I meant to say.”

“Sure thing, that'll be four bits.”

Woah, back the fuck up. Four bits? Four bits?! Inflation must have really hit Ponyville hard. I don't have any freaking bits. I don't even have an alternate set of clothes. To be fair; most of the ponies are naked.

Wait, what's this? The fuck is this?

Ah shit, it's another portal.

Zap!

(That's the sound portals make by the way. Why? Because I fucking said so, that's why. It's my story.)

And now I'm in Celestia's castle. Transition too quick for you? Too bad.

Ah look, the rest of the six are here too, now we can finally get started with saving the world.

Now I don't know about you, but I've got the weirdest boner right now.

And they're all staring at it.

Oh God.

The Most Inconceivably Ignorant Chapter Ever

The Most Inconceivably Ignorant Chapter Ever

Well, look who we have here. That's right.

Princess Fucking Molestia.

I'm properly fearing for my sexual health right now. Just imagine the amount of STDs she has clogging up her insides. That's probably the real reason why she wanted me over here. I mean, I want to get laid and all but not like this...

Not like this...

I think I've been reading too many fanfics. But still, I'll be on full alert if she tries something dirty.

***

Here she comes, horn erect and all. I mean seriously, look at it. That's some serious steroids going on right there. Then again I would have done that too if I was a near-omnipotent being and alive for thousands of years. I'd make myself a huge cock for sure. Speaking of omnipotence... where is God?

He better be watching and making notes on my performance thus far. If I find out he's slept through all this I won't be happy.

So yeah, Celestia. Mane 6. Me.

Shit's gonna go down.

Either we're discussing the plan to save Equestria or Molestia's got one huge orgy lined up.

Okay, I'm getting too sidetracked.

“Greetings, saviour. What is your name?” Celestia says before extending a hoof to pull me to my feet.

It just occurred to me that I haven't washed my hands. Not just today even; like for weeks now. I don't think I need to go in to detail about what they've been touching all this time. You get the picture.

Well she just touched my hand. My right one too. I'm right-handed. Get the hint?

Oh yeah, my name. This ought to be good.

“My name is Sir Fuckalot, legend of Earth, destroyer of Gash.”

Yeah, that sounds good. Real good.

I'm loving that name; loving it so much I'm gonna change my name officially when I get home.
If I get home.

Oh, I just realised that I've told everypony a different name each time. Ah well. Shit happens.

What's this? Celestia is giving me a disdainful look.

Enough with the racism for fuck's sake.

“I'll have you know I have researched your language beforehand. I will not condone such words here.”

Stupid bitch.

Just ruined all my fun. I'll ruin her face.

Seriously, that horn is pissing me off. I can think of a thousand explicit things to do with that yet she only uses it for nice things. I mean, just look at the potential!

Oh look; Pinkie's now started babbling. She's like some incessant noise in the background; like those stupid flies you swat at which only just dodge you before hovering back in the same place again.

And again.

AND FUCKING AGAIN.

Seriously, I hate those things. And I'm starting to hate you the same.

Getting real tired of your shit, Pinkie.

“Sorry. Just slipped out. My real name is Abdul.”

It actually is. I'm not even joking this time. Honest.

“Well Abdul, there's no time to explain, the whole of Equestria's at stake.”

Selfish prick. What about Earth? That's hardly safe when you've got North Korea chugging around. They should come back with me once this is done and fix things.

Sequel idea? Damn right it is.

“What shall I do?”

“I'll explain later. First we must turn you into a pony.”

Wait, what? Nooooooooooo.

Imagine that in Darth Vader's voice and you get the idea of the despair I was in. Oh and stop “remastering” Star Wars, George Lucas you twat.

Celestia raises her huge-fullofsexualpotential-horn and zaps me.

Yup, cause everything has the “zap” sound in Equestria.

I felt the most excruciating pain as I started to mutate into some twisted and horrible creature.

My face began to burn as my skin started to bubble over before I became a writhing, screaming, pulsating mass of-

Just kidding, it's already over and it felt pretty damn arousing actually.

Oh would you look at fucking that? She turned me into a cunting Earth pony.

Oh? You thought I would be some overpowered Alicorn? Nah, this isn't that ridiculously overdone rubbish story you've read a hundred times. To be fair: I'd rather be an Alicorn. But no, I'm a boring old earth pony.

No wings. No magic. No huge-fullofsexualpotential-horn.

No... wait, what's this?

Where the fuck is my cock? I can't see it anywhere.

That little cun...

I thought all the stallions had been castrated when younger; not that “no cocks” is a strict rule around here.

What kind of fucked up world is this? Oh yeah, talking horses.

I didn't even get the technicolour wank I promised you guys.

It's okay now; don't start crying. We'll get through this. I'll show you one in 1080p when I get home.

Ah wait, I found it!

It's right here... imprinted on my flank.

My flank is white by the way, not black. Just did a Michael Jackson in a few seconds. The touching kids part? That comes later, don't worry.

I'm kidding. Calm down.

But yeah, my cutie mark is a huge cock. Which is quite depressing actually. I'm assuming it's for all the clopping I do.

Which I now can't do.

Thanks Celestia, you cunt.

“Ooh, that's a nice cutie mark, what does it represent?” says who else but fucking Pinkie Pie.

“An ice cream.”

“That doesn't look like a-”

“It's a fucking ice cream.”

Luckily they'd never seen a cock before. If Celestia recognises it then that only proves that she really is the dreaded Molestia from our darkest dreams.

Filthy slag.

Luckily, it looked like she didn't. Now tell me what the fuck is going on.

“Now tell me what the fuck is going on.”

“Discord, The God of Chaos, has broken free. We tried to reform him but failed. He is now after to destroy the Elements of Harmony once and for all so he can reign supreme.”

Hey, that sounds familiar. Oh yeah, just about every other fucking Discord fanfic I've read.

“Where do I come in?”

“There are six elements. Honesty, Kindness, Laughter, Genorosity, Loyalty and Magic. However, there are legends of a seventh-”

“But Celestia, that's just an old pony tale,” interrupts the rude little shit that was Twilight Sparkle.

“Hey, Twilight. Shut the fuck up, Celestia's talking,” I called out.

“Err, thank you. It is said the element in fact belongs to a different world. Which is why you are here. I believe you are the seventh element.”

Yup, definitely read this fanfic one, twice, or a hundred times.

“So, do I get one of the shiny necklaces?”

“Perhaps. We have no idea what this element looks like, or how to reveal it. We can only hope it's you.”

Well aren't you fucking useful. I've noticed how you've never actually helped anyone.

Discord? Nope, let the others do it.

Changelings? Nope, let the others sort it out while I get defeated by the queen. Seriously, how pathetic is that? She's practically a goddess as well.

King Sombra? Nah, I'd rather chill at home and procrastinate like I've done for 1000 odd years.

She really does just sit at her throne all day doing fuck all. Decides to troll everyone now and again but that's about it really.

She's a dictator worse than Hitler and Stalin the way she abuses her power.

It's disgusting.

“So... what do I do now?”

I swear if she says “make some friends” or “explore!” I'm jumping out the window. Head first too.

“Get your things and prepare to leave. We have located Discord's palace on the other side of Equestria and you must confront him and defeat him. We can only hope you discover the element along the way.”

Finally; some action and shit.

And no, Celestia, I don't have any things. Considering I was taken here against my will and my only set of clothes have now disintegrated. Oh and my dick is gone.

“I'm ready to go. Let's fuck that wankstain Discord over!”

And so began the most fucking epic journey you've ever witnessed. So epic that anyone who even glances at these glorious pages will gain an instant erection.

An erection so big that all the blood used to support it will cause them to faint from lack of blood to the head.

And die.

This is one epic story I assure you.

Oh and I can't have erections now myself. Just thought I'd mention that again.

I'm never going to forgive you for that, Celestia.

Never. Ever.

Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my fucking eye.

Shut up Pinkie.

Just shut up.

The Most Amazingly Artificial Chapter Ever

Still here are we? Good. I'm starting to feel, dare I say it? Lonely.

I normally don't get lonely back on Earth, even with my parents gone (This is the part when you're meant to feel sad for me– because copious amounts of feels are required in these stupid Fics). So yeah, I'd be fine– whether it was blazing with my homies or chilling at home with the dog. Although, I never actually played with the dog: that time was dedicated to things I feel would bump this story up to a Mature rating. So we shan't go there.

So I'm all lonely now. It's not so much the fact there are ponies and no humans, more the fact that the pricks are all ignoring me.

Elements of Friendship? Yeah, that can fuck right off.

Some of the bastards haven't even said “hi”. What about that Seventh Element shit? If this plan fails then Equestria's Destruction can be blamed on them. Especially Pinkie Pie. That motherfucker.

They're just pretending to be sad as they say goodbye to their friends. I know that really, they're glad to be rid of them for a while. As am I; I think Doctor Whooves spread the word around about my attempted sexual assault. Well I say attempted assault but we all know really I was dancing.

Don't we? Guys?

Guys!

On a completely random side note, Whooves is still fit. As fuck.

Now they look at me like I'm some sort of registered sex offender. Now I bet you're thinking they're probably right but honestly, I am clean in that area of the field.

But only in this world.

One quick glance at my record would tell you more than you need to know...

Anyway, it seems like they are done leaking fake tears. Seriously Applejack I bet Applebloom can't wait to be rid of you. The one who looks literally like they're this close from suicide is Scootaloo who I swear has a fetish for Rainbow Dash.

Ah Scootaloo, if only you could read all those explicit Fics between you and Dash. I reckon it would turn you on big time.

Oh those were the days indeed. When I had a penis.

Oh.

***

“Goodbye Owlowiscious, I'll miss you,” says the unicorn that nobody cares about anymore.

“Yeah whatever, nobody gives a shit; Spike's where it's at,” I say rudely, asserting my dominance.

At the sound of his name, Spike waddles over. Come to think of it, he's pretty fat. I blame Twilight for overfeeding him the ungrateful bitch. Oh and for the constant domestic abuse.

Come on, I bet she beats him when she's bored.

“Goodbye sir, hopefully I'll see you some time soon!” says Spike.

Finally! Someone who has a little respect for me. And it came from a dragon not a stupid pony.

You know what I'm going to say now, it's too beautiful to ignore:

Cool story bro, needs more dragons and shit. Which it 100% does. Spike is the bomb around here. I wish he could come too. Bit of lad banter here and there. He's probably ploughed Rarity numerous times and has many stories to tell.

“Why thank you, Sir Spike. I wish also to see you again.”

See? Spike gets the sophisticated voice. And what.

“Okay, we really must be going,” says the lavender thing.

And... BAM

We're outside the damn Everfree forest.

Well again there was a boring walk over, where they again practically ignored me, but that was boring. So I skipped it. I skip a lot I just realised.

So yeah, Everfree. It's always this damn place. Where apparently it's all creepy as shit but nothing bad ever actually happens. Hopefully that will change. Their idea of scariness is trees.

Yes that's right. Trees.

Trees with faces? Woah back the fuck up that shit's nasty. Oh wait, still not scary.

Trees.

Fucking. Trees.

If this is what I have to put up with I'm gonna strangle something. Preferably Pinkie.

“You do know that from where I come from, the clouds always move on their own?” I ask as we enter the dreaded forest. When I heard that in the show I almost died of the dumbfuckery emitting from the screen. Dumbfuckery is up there with like Gamma radiation in terms of deadliness.

Again I got the usual response of fuck-all. What gives? Has Celestia told them about my rude language?

Let's find out.

“FUCKING CUNTS!”

No response.

“COCKSUCKING SHITS! RETARDED GLOBULES OF PISS! TWATS OF UNRIVALLED MAGNITUDE!”

“Do ya mind shutting the hay up?” asks Applejack. “Ya'll alert the monsters.”

“I don't like the scary monsters,” says Fluttershy.

“Quite,” says Rarity.

“I like everything!” says Pinkie Pie.

“I can handle them anyway,” says Rainbow Dash. (Prick).

“I could collect samples,” says Twilight Sparkle.

“I'm sorry, did I say you cunts could speak? Didn't think so,” I cut across.

“Could ya at least lower ya voice?” the overly orange pony asks.

“Ok WankerJack,” I whisper.

Sweet Mother Mary this is already unbearable. I want to scream. I would scream if I weren't to get told off for making a noise. Like I give a fuck. I'm sure the monsters would understand my flow and uber-coolness and go for them instead.

Okay, I need to choose a plan of action for the rest of this trek.

1) They all shut the fuck up and worship me (Preferred choice)
2) I continue being abusive and they continue being shitstains.
3) We become best friends, make beautiful love, forge the elements of harmony and kick ass.

Okay you probably can guess which one I chose. That's right, Number 1. Unfortunately that's not likely to happen so we'll make do with 2/3. Make it err, 2.5. They can be friendly, I can still be a bastard.

Success.

“Okay gals, why are you not being friendly to me?”

Friendship is magic? Nope. More like Racism is Magic.

Just cause I'm human. Well, not anymore. Also, still no penis. Damn them all to hell.

“Well, you haven't been that friendly yourself,” says the abomination of technicolour known as Rainbow Dash.

Fucking bitch... I swear she should be denied the right to live.

Actually wait, to be fair, I haven't been that nice.

Now this is the part where I could change my ways completely, or just pretend to change them. Yeah, let's do that.

Okay, let's pretend to be nice for a bit. Butter them up.

“I'm sorry, I'm just really uncomfortable over here. I'm really far from home. I miss my family."

I proceed to cry. And yes, these tears are legitimate. Although, they had been building up ever since I lost a certain sexual organ. They have nothing to do with home.

Ah, I knew they couldn't be twats for long. They're all smothering me now, got those stupid cute faces on, saying sorry.

I know this isn't entirely accurate but let's just say...

I've pulled.

Well that was easy, my play-acting is definitely back on track now. Although I think it worked too well; I'm starting to suffocate here.

“Can we start over again?” I asked, making my now ridiculously sized eyes even bigger. For added emotional impact. You can never have enough emotional impact.

“Of course!”

“Now let's go beat up that tool Discord.”

“Beat up? Are you sure? We could just make him say sorry,” says Fluttershy timidly.

“Did I fucking stutter?!"

Author's Note

This was a bit short and rushed. I have exams and I'm stretched for time these days :/ Apologies.

The Most Dastardly Dimwitted Chapter Ever

Oh my! I just realised! I had a Maths paper I had to finish!

Yeah, that's the least of my worries right now. Ponies, remember? It's actually quite stress-relieving. I don't even need to take a dump anymore. I was wondering about that; if they had some like huge hole in the middle of Ponyville, out of sight. But it just seems instead that egestion wasn't deemed necessary in Equestria. I'm no expert at biology, but I'm sure that makes minimal sense.

Still don't know where we're heading. I'm just tagging along being a twat as it stands.

***

“Hey, erm, Abdul; have you heard the tale of The Headless Horse? It's veryyy scarryyy,” asks Rainbow Dash, trying her best to be spooky.

No. Just no.

She really rates herself highly, doesn't she?

“Please, ladies, call me Pussy Magnet. And no, I haven't.”

Of course I had. I just wanted to piss on her stupid parade.

Sure enough she proceeds to tell me the “scary story” which is really only scary for pussies like Fluttershy.

“Wait, I thought you were telling me a scary story? My mum told me this as a lullaby when I was young.”

“Oh, I thought-”

“Yeah, don't care. So who wants to hear my scary story?”

There was a chorus of moans and general bitching but I ignored them. As I tend to have done thus far.

So I proceeded to tell them the tale of... Cupcakes. Dear Lord.

I hadn't fully memorised it word for word but I think I did it justice. Even threw in a bit more blood here and there. I'm a real prick I've just noticed.

Let's just say they've stopped talking to me for now. I don't know if they're too traumatised or they just hate me again. Wiped that smug grin off that prick Rainbow Dash's face. Hope she has nightmares now about Pinkie slicing her up. Or me even.

Don't tempt me Dashie.

Been there, done that.

Wait, what? No.

Ah, now this place looks interesting. By interesting I mean it isn't a fucking tree. Seriously this place should be called the Evertree forest there's so many of the damn things.

Evertree forest? I'm such a linguist. So damn witty.

No wait, I recognise this place. Yeah, it's Zecora's hovel. I swear they're all blatantly racist to Zecora. To me also; perhaps we can unite, rise up, and crush the pony reign. With blood, lots of blood.

Mmm...

Twilight knocks on the door loudly but soon after, Pinkie decided to burst in without waiting for response.

Cheeky little shit.

Maybe Zecora was sleeping? Maybe she was having a bash? Maybe she was doing potions and shit? Yeah, probably that. I do wonder however what the hell she does in her life. Talks to practically no one, no mates, probably abandoned by her zebra folk, never had a sexual encounter of any kind whatsoever and to top it all off; she lives in a shithole, in the middle of a huge shithole.

The Everfree forest definetly didn't live up to the hype. I was hoping we'd be attacked by something by now but no. Instead, everything has been piss easy thus far.

Any who, I follow pink, yellow, blue, purple, white and orange into the “house” and see a zebra.

I mean holy, look at those piercings. What a nice message to kids watching: Piercings are great! Put huge rings around your neck! It's totally safe!

Also her Mohawk is properly shite.

They're all having a little banter session now, catching up on the latest gossip, all the hot boys. You know the stuff.

Oh and she is actually speaking in rhyme, probably the first sign of various mental disorders.

“Ah, this is the one who has come to us. Now let us sit down; and discuss.”

This is going to get really annoying after a while. Actually, it already is. Shut up.

***

Well I had to brave through that conversation for the next ten minutes or so. My head hurts so fucking much. I would describe the chat in detail but you know, lack of detail is the best way to set the scene for any story (not really).

To summarise:

Discord blablabla Fortress blablabla stupid brain damage-inducing rhyme blablabla Me blablabla more rhyme. Death.

That's it. No seriously, nothing interesting or helpful came of that whatsoever.

“Now go, for I wish you luck. Tread carefully or-”

“You'll get fucked?” I finish. She just looked at me. Oh yeah, forget about swears.

“Suck?” That rhymed didn't it. English wasn't my greatest subject. Words and stuff.

“I'm sorry but that word doesn't belong. Just relax and think, and you won't be wrong.”

Dear lord she just goes off on another stupid rhyme tangent. Just when you think you've clawed your way out of it.

“Suck cock?” That made perfect sense. Rhymes can go to hell, I can be bothered to think of anymore up. Just look at the results of the ones I have made anyway. Pretty damn bad.

They can all go to hell actually; my feet hurt and I haven't had a you know what in like forever. I just want to fix Equestria's shit and go home.

So of course I'm the first one out the door.

But it seems they were not done chatting shit so I had to wait outside for another fucking ten minutes. I don't know what could be so important that it takes this long to discuss.

Oh yeah, save the world and stuff.

Maybe they're not talking, maybe they're having say...

A massive lesbian get together?

I walk over to the window, hopefully.

Ah damn it. Just talking.

I could go alone; these horses are clearly holding me back. Let's be honest here: I'm awesome. There's no two ways about it. The fact that I haven't conquered this domain already is a clear sign that they are the ones holding me back from glory.

“Hey Pussy!” Fucker calls. Who's Fucker? Take your pick. Any option is correct as far as I'm concerned.

Did they just call me a pussy? The little...

Ah wait, I told them that's my name, didn't I? Well, Pussy Magnet. Should have perhaps thought about the usage when the second part is excluded. I'll probably just change my name anyway later. These simpletons don't seem to care.

“Yes bitch?”

“We're leaving now, get your stuff.”

It's like they try and mock me. Stuff? How many times have I had to say;

I DON'T HAVE ANY STUFF. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A COCK.

And secondly, I'm already out here; ready and rearing to go while you lazy fucks are doing nothing.

“All right! Let's get going!” says Pinkie, appearing with the others by her side.

BUT WAIT

What's that loud roar I hear?

Some huge monster with huge multiple cocks bursts from the trees into the clearing. Cocks? Oh no, those are heads. A hydra in fact.

Well, we're fucked.

To be fair, I did ask for some monster to show up but a fucking hydra is taking the piss.

Ah well, yolo.

Hopefully God will save me; he can't let me die now right?

But what will happen? Will we all perish? Will we vanquish the penis-monster-head? Will Applejack get that long overdue abortion?

None of these questions will be answered, and many more be asked in the next exciting instalment.

I can hardly wait.

No seriously, he's about to impale me with his head. I literally can't wait.

Author's Note

1) My rhymes are god awful.
2) This took a while due to work/revision and other stories I'm planning. Thanks for waiting :3

The Most Callously Cool Chapter Ever

Fuck.

***

Well it turns out those lazy horses with all their flash, magic, wings and general fire-power decided to do fuck all and let me get struck down by a huge head.

I'm not being unreasonable am I? They had a good five seconds to act there. Ten if they'd just let Pinkie take the hit. But apparently I'm not very high up on their list of priorities.

I mean, who's saving the world here again? That's right...

All of us. Oh yeah, valid point then.

Still, I'm now currently smacked against a tree with probably every bone broken and every organ about to have a catastrophic failure.

I hate life.

“Are you alright, sir?” asks Fluttershy.

Oh fuck off. What do you think?

If I were some pussy I'd probably be bawling like a baby right about now. But I'm not, because I am so fookin' hard.

Or maybe because I can't actually feel my limbs. Or move my mouth.

So I just stare at Fluttershy as hard as can, marking her death when I have the ability to move again.

For now, unfortunately, I don't have the chance to show off my leet/pro skills to the masses. If I could actually fight then this wanker would be downed in about 10 seconds flat (ha). Heck, if I could move one hand, wait, hoof*, then I would bitch slap this Hydra into Tartarus.

But nooo, apparently they value me less than Pinkie which is just pure stupid right there. Now I have to watch these fucktards cock it up.

Completely inexperienced when it comes to warfare. Me?

Bitch please, killed well over 9000 bad guys...

On some video-game.

But still, it's better than nothing; this is a fucking Hydra remember? Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie are pretty much screwed from the off. It can only end in blood and tears.

Preferably blood.

Oh would you look at that? That rainbow-coloured twat thinks she can take it on.

Go on, give it a go you utter bellend.

Yeah that's what I thought, fucking owned. Oh I do love when she gets beaten; crushes her stupid ego. Except it just comes back even bigger next time despite her accomplishing fuck all in her life. Clearly on steroids too in those flying competitions the cheating shit.

Thinks she's the greatest thing ever since sliced bread.

No bitch, that's me.

When they look back at the anals of our world's history people are going to be talking about three things:

1) Discovery of fire
2) Invention of the Submarine
3) Me

No seriously, I'm that good.

Right, now back to the life/world-threatening battle that's going on. The one that I have to watch because my spine is embedded in this tree. This is really uncomfortable considering I'm no longer bipedal. Also don't have a dick.

Never forget. Actually to be fair, that probably would have been snapped off by the blast. Good call Celestia.

Applejack is doing just as shit as Dash. I mean, you don't even have wings; nobody gives a shit how hard you can buck when you're up against this monstrosity. Probably benches so frickin' much in the gym. On second thoughts he probably benches the whole gym itself.

I mean just look at those 'ceps!

Hot damn!

Well yeah, that's Applejack taken care of. Just a swift blow to the face and she's on the ground now, with probably her spinal cord severed.

Oh well.

Okay next one is Rarity and... owned.

Dropping like flies now. I'm actually starting to worry for our safety here; I mean, Zecora's fucked off the coward, and 4 out of the 7 are incapacitated.

Lol jks, I know God will help me out of this.

But what if he doesn't?

Celestia maybe? Nah, she couldn't give a shit as long as she gets her daily dose of molesting. That name will always stick no matter what she does or doesn't do while I'm here. Molestia is way more catchy anyway.

Fluttershy is now trying to calm the Hydra. Okay, let's all back the fuck up and look at what we're dealing with here.

This isn't a tiny, shitty manticore. It's a Fucking Hydra.

Not something you can tame with your sweet talk.

Oh, it worked. He's actually calmed down. Well I can't say that didn't surpri-

OH WAIT

It was all a cunning ploy, this guy's legit I swear: Just roared in her face like the machine he is. And now she's gone running off into the trees, probably in tears too.

This is usually the part where I get mad because that thing made Fluttershy cry. But honestly I don't care, not gonna lie. More worried about my fractured skeleton.

Two left now.

Please give Pinkie Pie a beating, I beg of you. Not just a bash on the head, more like a pummelling of a never before seen magnitude.

Zap!

Nah just one blow again. I tell you, we're properly fucked now. You'd think this epic quest was going to conclude with the conquest of Discord's Domain but no: we get served by a fucking Hydra.

To be fair, this guy would probably give Discord a run for his money too.

So now our hopes and faith rest in the hands/hooves of the one and only stuck-up whore that is Twilight Sparkle.

And she's charging up a spell, the crowd is holding its breath! And...and...

Fuck. All.

Stupid cunt.

All this magic and this is the best you can do? Seriously what a let down. All of you guys really are such benders. My clan on Call of Duty is a better squad than you are and they can barely shoot straight.

So yep, end of us, end of Equestria.

It's been fun guys...

Yeah it really fucking hasn't.

When I was told to make some friends what was I expecting?

NOT FUCKING THIS!

I was expecting: Friendship! Cuteness! Harmony! Other words I don't care for!
Pretty sure I've said a thousand times I was going to disregard it all anyway.

Either way some twat thought they'd add Pain! Death! Misery! Into the mix. I mean this is all good when it's not happening to me but it is, damn it.

ZAP! (Yep, this one is in allcaps bitch- you mad?)

Out of fucking nowhere Discord appears and fists the Hydra. Okay, not literally fisting but you have to understand the analogy as he completely just wrecked his ass. There's blood everywhere, hyper-realistic blood too despite this all being in technicolour.

Hopefully Discord will see reason and spare my superior life. Go on Discord, mate. You know you want some of this.

“lol,” says Discord before levitating me away from the tree.

Thank you Discord, bud. I knew I could count on ya. Well I didn't, but I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. Well not really because I have hooves not hands now.

Zap!

I'm now in some totally badass looking castle. How badass? Fuck off, I'm not telling. Description requires effort and I'm tired. Partly because my body is still mangled and screwed up on the marble floor.

So what will happen next? Will Discord just leave me here to rot? Feed me to the...whatever he feeds things to? Kill me in many fun ways? Have a game of Bingo? Laugh all day long as I slowly die on the floor? Get pissed? Become a Bantersaurus? Or give me my dick back?

What you asking me for? I have no idea either!

But first things first; my body is all broken. I can feel something sticky dripping down my face and I can only pray that it's blood and Discord isn't being a sick fuck.

Help.

The Most Pointlessly Potent Chapter Ever (End of Part 1!)

“Swag.”

“Discord, shut the fuck up and fix my legs.”

***

Hey guys, how you been? Me? I'm bleeding out on the floor. Casually.

Yup, about to die of blood loss yet Discord being the twat we all know he is doesn't give a fuck. And what's worse, he seems to know about internet culture from my world and keeps spamming it. He's speaking like the most immature spacko you'll find on the internet. I'm sure he'd be banned by now if this was any self-respecting forum. Forget banned: he'd be bloody executed.

Sound quite like me now I think about it...

Oh and yeah, that sticky stuff? Wasn't blood.

And no, it wasn't that. It was chocolate rain.

So yeah, Discord, palace, me. Bring it.

“Discord. I've told you so many times before: Shut the fuck up, I'm going to die.”

“No you're not. Why do you think you can now speak again?”

Woah. Mind blown right there.

He is Discord after all. He can just do whatever the fuck he feels like and it's cool.

Motherfucking Discord.

“Then why am I still bleeding everywhere?”

“That's my blood.”

Okay, what the fuck. Discord is one creepy... thing. Why the fuck would you even do that? I know he's the God of chaos and random shit but that's just beyond chaotic.

That's so me.

Only I can be me. Fuck off.

“Dude, what the shit? You know I could get HIV from this?”

“lol.”

This guy. I don't even know what to say. Okay, let's try to get on his terms. Maybe I can harness the beast that is Motherfucking Discord. Reel him in, tone him down a little. There's only room on this planet for me.

“Dickord (Come on, that was a good one), this is my fucking forum and you're gonna do what I say. Or I bring down the Banhammer and fuck your IP Address.”

Oh, that actually worked. Out of nowhere I'm now on a chair at a table with two dishes and two candles. I've also got this smart tie around my neck.

Sweet.

All that description is making my head spin now. Literally spinning too, Discord being Discord thought he'd detach my neck. He just doesn't stop being a twat.

“Anything from the menu?” Discord inquires, brandishing a menu out of who-the-fuck cares.

“No.”

“Suit yourself. I'll have one round of your finest Swag, please,” says Discord to the air.

“Bon appetit,” replies the air.

I don't think my brain can handle much more of this.

No! I must focus, I must prove to everyone that all those hours spent on the internet were worth it. I must prove that I am the final boss of the internet. Not this fucking draconequus.

“So, Discord. Why the flying fuck did you bring here?”

“Look bro, I'm Discord. I just do whatever I want and you accept it,” Motherfucking Discord says before taking a sip of his tea.

Wait, there's tea? How?

Look you arrogant little shit. You may be Discord but I'm the Seventh Element of Harmony.

Still can't keep a straight face when someone says that.

“Can't we just be mates? You know, not drowning me in your blood. ”

Just look at all the shit we could fuck up together. We could dominate everything. Why? Motherfucking Discord, that's why. It's like the end-all to every argument.

Why'd you disintegrate my child?

Motherfucking Discord.

Why'd you eat my house?

Mother. Fucking. Discord.

Why'd you torch the whole of the Everfree Forest?

Because yolo.

“Nah, you're alright.”

Oh sweet Celestia. He just changed into me. There's now two of me. And he even has a dick too just to show he's superior.

Fuck, this has gone too far. Time to bring in the big guns. And no, I don't mean my ridiculously huge muscles. You lot aren't worthy of the gun show.

“Look, you wankstain, you don't just change into me. I'll fucking tear you a new one. Change back, or I literally plough your intestines with a rake.”

I'm not even kidding. I will get a rake, and I will ram it through his fucking head. Won't stop there, oh hell no. I'll get... ANOTHER rake.

Yeah, you heard right. Two fucking rakes? This shit is mental.

So yeah the second one's going through his spine and out the other side.

Fuck this guy. Fuck everything about him. He's just the biggest knob in history. I know he's Motherfucking Discord but please have a fucking boundary. He currently looks like me, speaks like me and he's a twat like me. Why can't we just team up and fuck everyone else over?

“Look crotchstain, I don't need you. I don't care about you. I don't even like you. I just thought I'd bring you over for some fun as I'm bored. I'm Discord, you're invalid, and that's that. I could turn you into a blade of grass right now and sit on you. I could then do things to that blade of grass that would shock the whole multiverse. That blade of grass won't have a good time I assure you. So shut the hay up, and don't question my antics.”

That does it. I'm getting a third rake.

No actually wait, I have a better idea.

“My lord, my saviour, hear my plea!” I yell upwards to the sky. “Grant my power to vanquish this foul beast! Grant your Seventh Element the power to defeat the Draconequus and save Equestria! Grace me with your power!”

Here it comes, here comes something. I can feel it, the whole palace is shaking. God has heard my plea and is granting me unheard of gifts. I'm going on Twitter straight after and telling all 2 of my followers about this shit. Fuck this is gonna get so many retweets.

Holy fucking shit. Look at that. What's that? It's only a giant fucking golden sword. Somehow it's made its way through the roof of the palace and it's coming right to me. Discord isn't the only one who can just do whatever the fuck he wants.

Motherf-

Wait, let's not be blasphemous.

The huge sword-o-doom sticks to my hoof like a magnet and I raise it above my ahead like a total boss.

Someone instagram this shit right now. Oh wait, hold that thought.

Zap!

Lightning strikes the tip of the sword, sending sparks flying around the room.

Zap!

Ow, what the fuck? That lightning just electrocuted me and burnt half my skin off. Oh and the sword has vaporised. What the actual fuck is going on?

This was meant to be the moment when I decapitated that douchebag over there. Oh and then all the ponies too.

“Oh, that was me.”

“What?”

“TROLLED,” says Discord bursting into laughter.

He sounds like some five year-old when laughing. And I cannot just believe that not only did Discord mess with me, God didn't answer my call.

I'm close to tears now.

HUZZAH!

Oh not again. This time there's a bright shining light and angels singing something from somewhere. I honestly don't know.

Through the light flutters down a white piece of paper.

Paper. Thanks Lord Almighty, just what I needed.

Maybe it's got some death spell in it. Or a clopfic. I won't judge you if it does.

The paper lands face up on the table and both Discord and I lean over to read it.

Get your ugly fucking face away from mine you fat inbred shit.

So was it a clopfic? No.

Make some friends.

Oh for fuck's sake. For the last time, nobody cares.

Okay, I tried, I honestly tried for a good ten seconds somewhere in this story. But I just can't do it. Can't I have something easier to do? Like be a twat to everyone? Because I can do that.

No, right now I've been a prick to everyone. I may have referred to it as twat but it's really a prick. Twat is like the level above, and you don't want to see it. This isn't even my final form.

“You finished?” Discord asks.

“Well actually I-”

Zap!

Blade of grass. Just like that I'm a fucking blade of grass. He wasn't even joking.

Motherfucking Discord.

And before you ask, being a blade of grass doesn't give me genitals. I can talk though. Believe me I can, I just swore multiple times.

Oh and Discord just sat on me. Let's not go there: it's absolutely disgusting.

And now he's holding me out the window. What window? I honestly don't know- he just ripped one out of time and space.

Discord is so bloody overpowered.

“lol. See you, “Hero of Equestria.” To think you actually thought you could beat me? Me? The greatest thing since sliced bread.”

And he went there. That's my line you fucker.

And he hurls me out the window. Doesn't even drop me, he just fucking throws me as hard as he can. Twat on all levels.

Would you look at that? How the hell am I supposed to make friends whilst gliding around in the wind? I would come down and ask for help except I can't.

Because I'm a blade of grass and I can't move. Duh.

So, what's next?

I have no fucking clue.

I'll make friends with the wind or something.

Author's Note

Thanks to everyone who is still reading this ridiculous story :) I can only hope that this story has proved most uninspiring to all of you. The Raw Epicness that is Part 2 will be published in due time.

The Most Fabulously Flamboyant Chapter Ever

Hello Mr. Wind, how are you today?

Oh? What's that?

You managed to blow some little filly off her feet and deposit her in a huge pit?

That's great news!

Oh, she cried too?

Excellent!

Me? Oh, nothing. Just enjoying the view from up here. Would have been great if you had taken me down to see the filly. Pissed I miss that; it's okay though, I understand.

It's hard to control the direction of which you blow. At least you have some degree of movement, though: I have absolutely none whatsoever.

…

…

What the fuck am I doing?

***

I have to say that talking to the Wind is a lot better than talking to a Leaf. I mean, we were having a huge banter session when that dick decide to fuck off. How selfish. Just fluttered down to some forest path. I hope he gets trampled on many times.

It was then that I realised that the Wind was a lot more fun to talk to.

It was also then that I realised I am practically insane, talking to these things. Bet Discord is proud.

Remember when I stayed at home doing nothing except internet?

Yeah I know right: those feels hit hard.

Heck, being a pony is better than being a blade of grass. At least then I could actually move and stuff.

I'm not even going to go on about genitalia again. Just leave it, I'm too depressed.

It was fun to begin with: swooping over unsuspecting ponies, yelling profanities and various insults. Not sure if they could hear me but nevertheless, it was a satisfying experience.

And then the Wind was like “nope” and whisked me away again. I wish it could just let me drop. It's been like... a week? Just flying around in fucking circles doing nothing. I can't even see the ground as I'm too high up.

I've been shouting for most of the time. I have no idea how I can speak, as I have no vocal cords, but I guess that has prevented me from getting a sore throat. Which is a nice bonus.

Oh no, it looks as if it's about to rain. Actually wait, that could prove useful.

It's pouring now and I'm getting bombarded by water.

Go on, HIT ME!

Yes! I'm coming down bitches!

Some huge drop of water collided with me and now we're both falling down. Hopefully some other gust of wind doesn't take me.

I've just had a terrible thought: What would it feel like if someone cuts me in two?

Holy.

Zap!

Just landed on the wet forest floor with a typical “Zap”. At least I think I did. That was the last thing I saw before I landed; I'm now face down and can't move nor look up.

Well, now what?

Also, the rain is pelting my back, beating me into the ground.

Have mercy – I'm a blade of grass you stupid clouds.

Wait, are those hoofsteps I hear?

“Somebody help! Save m– ”

Yeah. Whoever the hell that was just stepped on me. Apart from me being crushed into the ground, I think I'm now stuck on their hoof.

Hate. Life.

“Oi! Slow down and look at your hoof!”

No response.

Don't push me, Mystery Pony. I'm not in the mood.

“PRICK! CHECK YOUR HOOF!”

I don't think they can hear me through all this rain. Either that or he/she is a proper flankhole.

Did I actually just say that?

No, I thought it. Still, what the fuck is wrong with me? Stupid horse language.

Another terrible thought: Don't horses eat grass?

Fuck.

Ah wait no, that's regular horses. These ponies eat at restaurants and stuff.

Why? Because they fucking can. That's why.

“CHECK YOUR HOOF YOU TWAT!”

Come to think of it: I haven't eaten in ages. What does grass even eat anyway?

Oh Biology, please come aid me. Anyone aid me really.

Okay, this is the last time I'm going to ask. If the pony doesn't respond I am definitely condemning her to the depths of hell when I get home. I'm gonna get a knife or gun or nuke, and blow her up.

Wait, did I just say “her”? Twice?

No, I'm not sexist. I said that because there's clearly a higher proportion of females to males in this stupid place.

They're sexist, not me.

Also, a male would never do something this cruel to me. Stamping on grass is the greatest of sins.

Oh and before anyone asks Discord is a transsexual so he doesn't count as male.

Right, now back to my last throw of the dice.

“THERE'S DOGSHIT ON YOUR HOOF! CHECK IT BRO!”

Nothing.

Well I guess being horses, they don't care. They wallow in that sort of thing back on Earth.

***

I'm burning every patch of grass when I finally escape. Seriously, I hate it that much now.

Hopefully, most of Equestria will be on the grass when I torch it all. I don't even mean Pinkie Pie now. Discord is at the top of my list of things to kill. Oh and when he's a smouldering wreck I will decapitate him, stuff the head, and put it on my wall.

Ooh! Ooh! And then I'll bring the rest of him to Biology class and we can all dissect him.

Right...

Yeah, so the Mystery Pony stopped and made a small fire in a cave. Now's the time to see if she was just ignoring me or was just being a complete bender.

“Hey, umm, can you get me off your hoof!” I ask casually.

No, no, no don't get up: You're going to squish me again argghh –

“Who goes there? Reveal yourself to the Great and Powerful Tr – ”

Yeah, no need to go any further. We all know who that is. Let's hope she's in a good mood.

“I'm a human/grass hybrid. And I'm on the bottom of your hoof. Don't hurt me.”

“Trixie does not follow, Mystery Voice. Explain, now!”

I wish I could make some witty response but I'm in no position to do so. Definitely do not want to be snapped in half.

“Okay. I'm a human. Brought to Equestria. 7th Element shit. Turned into pony by Celestia. Maimed by a Hydra. Turned into a blade of grass by Discord. Stuck on the bottom of your hoof. You've stepped in many bad things and I feel sick now. Help. Please.”

Woah, when you put it like that I really have accomplished fuck-all so far.

“Why should Trixie help the Mystery Voice?”

“Because Humans are undeniably awesome and sexy. If you reverse Discord's magic, it will prove that you are the most great and powerful of them all. I'll even put it on my blog when I get home.”

Oh she likes that; she likes that a lot. See how I put the “great and powerful” in there? That's definitely turned her on for sure.

“You have captured the Great and Powerful Trixie's interest. Hold on a moment.”

Well I can't believe that worked. She just used her magic to take me off her hoof and place me on the ground. I'm honestly impressed: she's trusting a talking blade of grass. I could actually be Discord for all she knows.

Oh wait a sec, I am dangerously close to the fire.

Surely that monster isn't going to burn me...

Zap!

Nothing. You really are average Trixie, let's be honest.

“It didn't work, retard.”

“Trixie knows you fool. Trixie was merely testing her magic.”

Oh, sure. Like I'm going to believe that.

Zap!

Oh. Guess she was actually telling the truth.

What's this? Hands?! I have hands again!

I'm a human, not a pony! Yay!

The first thing I'm going to do is throttle Discord with my hands. Perhaps get a log and slug him across the skull with it. Or hook him in the jaw the cheeky cunt.

Nah, forget that. I'm better than him; I won't resort to such violence.

I'LL CHOKESLAM HIM INSTEAD.

Wait, is it still there?

Yes, a certain organ of mine has returned. But it seems my clothes haven't.

And now a shocked Trixie is staring down there in a disapproving manner.

This is going to be one dysfunctional relationship.

And by that I mean us as allies, nothing more. Not a sexual relationship.

No shipping for fuck's sake.

You have a filthy mind.

And yeah, I'm being hypocritical.

And what? I'm in Equestria bitch. Where you at?

The Most Excruciatingly Enjoyable Chapter Ever

The Most Uninspiring Brony Ever

Okay guys, here's my story.

I was just your average brony. I did a bit of this, clopped to a bit of that. No sweat. That was it. Okay?

One day, I was busy satisfying myself to Cupcakes when Lord Almighty busted in on me. I mean, you've been caught by your parents right? I was caught by God himself. Imagine. Just imagine it. Right now, whatever you're doing. Look down at your clothes, you're naked. Look up, there he is.

Fucking. Hell.

So yeah he was all like “repent your sins” and I was like: “Hey can't a guy have some privacy.” I would have perhaps given the Lord some common courtesy but I think I was high that night. Like real high. So anyway he started reading out the things I'd done in my life. No not everything I'd ever done, just the bad things. Yeah, looking back that's kinda everything. He just went on and on about drugs and stabbings and who knows what else ( I most certainly don't). Then he was all like “go make some friends” and zapped me through a portal.

I obviously missed the part where he said “I'm taking to you some fucking horses.”

Friends? Okay. Horse friends? No, just no. I watched the show and all but mingling with them? All kinds of weird. I'd prefer just to stick to the crack and stuff.

So yeah, here I am. And one was in front of me: Pinkie Pie. I swear she actually was on crack.

If I wasn't really high right now, I'm sure the realisation that I was in an alternate world would have hit me harder. Thankfully I wasn't. Now, I bet you're wondering. “Hey faggot, no self-insert fapfic” and frankly I was thinking the same thing at the time. I've read my fair share of rubbish stories and I was determined to make mine a success. Starting now. Time to differentiate from the norm: come the fuck at me ponies.

***

“Welcome to Equestria!” she screeches. She sounds way more annoying in person. Let's give her a little something to think about.

“Je ne comprends pas,” I say. Yeah, chew on that French why don't you? What? I had actually gone to school for a bit.

A bit.
A week.
I didn't go afterwards considering I'd torched the place. Oh yeah, those sins.

Pinkie Pie looks at me blankly before opening her stupid mouth. I really hated her the most out of the Mane 6. Thankfully she hadn't gone full-on insane yet. But don't worry, I'm sure it was coming.

“What did you say?”

“Fuck,” I reply, keen to see how extensive her vocabulary was.

“I only speak Equestrian.”

Oh, would you look at that? Equestrian. Perhaps I should burst her little bubble and say it was English but although Pinkie was pretty damn annoying I didn't want to invoke her wrath.

“Hi,” I finally say.

“Welcome to Equestria!”

Not that again. I know the damn place. Thinking back to what The Almighty said I wondered how the fuck I was going to “repent my sins.” I had no intention to. But unfortunately, if God was all he made out to be, he was omniscient. So even if I pretended to 'make friends', he would know.

Fuck.

I was currently losing 2- 0 in my personal struggle with God. I figured it was only going to get worse. Looking up I saw Pinkie Pie's gigantic eyes and grossly dilated pupils. Seriously who would make these things like that? That's some crazy shit.

Look, I was in no mood for conversing with animals. I was kinda in the middle of something and wanted to get back to Earth as soon as possible.

“Yeah, take me around Ponyville or some shit,”

“Sure thing er... what was your name again?”

“Wankstain,” I reply.

“Cool! Let's get started!”

I found it amusing that their “Equestrian language” didn't include profanities. Good, they were going to be hearing them a lot.

As I followed the horse, the abomination of technicolour that was Rainbow Dash swooped down from the trees.

“Hey fuckstick shit Rainbow wank tit twat Dash,” I mutter.

“Hey! How do you know my name! And why do you look weird?” Rainbow Dash say, attempting and miserably failing to be intimidating.

Some ponies just lacked manners these days. I blame it on the politicians. As always. Okay, at least she again didn't understand any swear word either.

“My dad dropped me in a vat of acid when I was young. I'm all deformed now. Can't believe you called me 'weird',” I said, turning away and bursting into tears.

Okay, either I was shit at play-acting or Rainbow Dash was a proper cunt because she wasn't buying it. And I know I'm good at acting. Like that time when I torched my school. Oh, I already told you that? Oh.

“Rainbow Dash! How could you be so mean!” shouts Pinkie, before rushing over to comfort me.

She had just overtaken Dash in my list of ponies to wank to. Wait forget wank, this is becoming a full-on clopfic.

Eventually. Perhaps. Maybe.

That would be even greater kinds of weird. Actually, forget the clopfic. I bet you're all heaving a sigh of relief now.

So anyway, Pinkie gave Dash a good talking to and she fucked off. I don't know know/care where she went so don't ask.

After a few minutes of walking and taking in the scenery in glorious technicolour, also wondering what my phallus looked like in glorious technicolour (but having the manners not to look– see, I'm good), we come to the edge of Ponyville.

Yay.

Using my vast intellectual knowledge–yeah I know, I can't keep a straight face either while saying that–I began to wonder why the fuck nobody, wait, nopony* really cared that I was a human.

As soon as I step into Ponyville they come charging, spraying their jubilations everywhere. I want none of it. Remember the part about not wanting horse friends? Yeah, that part, that part right up there.

I don't know where they were taking me. For all I know it could be some sort of religious sacrifice to Celestia–I hadn't really kept up with the show as of late. I was just about to put my magnificent play-acting to the test again and have a complete mental breakdown but unfortunately, I arrive at the library.

Okay, let's set this straight. Twilight was one of my favourites but we all knew she was kind of a bitch. Now to see if she actually was said bitch.

Pinkie Pie opens the door and pushes me inside before shutting it. I mean seriously, what the fuck was actually going on?

If this was some regular HiE by now I would have probably made friends with them all, banged a few, saved the world then died a tragic death because everybody cares. Oh wait, no they don't.

“Welcome to Equestria!” Twilight says.

Not this shit again. You think I don't know that by now?

“Hi.”

“You may be wondering why you are here. You are here because we recently realised that other worlds exist and Princess Celestia ordered me to bring an inhabitant over here.”

What a bitch. Taking credit for all God did. Yeah God, this one's for you. Hope you just heard me say/think that. Okay, let's play along. Hopefully, I don't have to save the world and this really is just making friends.

“Why thank you, you are most kind. What will I do now I am here?” I said politely, putting on my most sophisticated voice. Might I add that it's pretty damn sophisticated.

I was tempted to tell her she was a stupid kids' show but I refrained. See? I'm good like that.

“Well it turns out that the God of Chaos has figured out a way to defeat the Elements of Harmony. So we need you to help us.”

Fuck.

This was going to be one of those “I'm so cool-everything's about me-everypony loves me- I will save the world- shit” crap stories.

No, I won't allow it to happen.

Mark my fucking words.

Go on. Mark 'em.