The Wraith Writer of Equestria

by TheWraithWriter

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 19585

An OC, an anthromophosized Celestia, and a way more crossovers than necessary.

One fine sunny day the goddess of the sun Celestia is wishing for some excitement and gets far more than she bargained for. ComicCon? Check. Ninjas? Check. The Governator of California? Check. and that's just Act 1.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-01 07:10:01 UTC

Act One

The Wraith Writer of Equestria

(We’re so sorry)

Act One

Celestia sighed. She was sitting alone on the balcony outside her quarters and it was another day in Equestria, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, the usual. It wasn’t that Celestia didn’t like things to be like this, it was just that I had been like this for years. It was so…boring.

Celestia wished that, just once, something interesting would happen. Something exciting, something wild. Something would just come out of the blue.

Ask and ye shall receive.

There was a sound that one could describe as the fabric of the universe tearing followed by a thud, then the first sound in reverse.

Celestia turned around and saw a…thing getting to its feet in her chambers. Wait, she knew what these things were called…Humans, that was it.

The human was a male, skin tanned and hair dark. He was wearing a white suit jacket and pants, white shoes, white gloves, and had a white top hat perched on his head. He was carrying a cane.

“Well, not the best landing yet. Not the worst either. Freaking Ravenholem.” he said as he dusted himself off, apparently unaware of Celestia’s being there.

“What in my name?” Celestia said.

The human’s head sprung up at the sound of her voice, staring at her.

“Ah, hello. Princess Celestia, huh? Well, definitely better than Ravenholem.” he said.

“Who are you?” Celestia asked. And then she remembered she was wearing her, rather thin, nightwear for comfort. Hiding herself behind her bed, she demanded “And how the hay did you get in here?!”

“Oh, wow, such conflicting feelings here.” he took the cane in both hands and stamped the end onto the floor with a solid thump. There was a flash of light after which the human spoke again. “There, I fixed it.”

Celestia blinked, she felt…different. Then she looked down.

She had been, changed. She was no longer standing on four legs, rather two. Her two forelegs here no longer legs, rather they appeared to be hands. The ends of her legs still ended in hooves, although to see this, Celestia had to look over her prominent bust. (What?) Looking over her shoulder, she saw that she had retained her tail as well and a glance upwards saw that her horn had remained. The whole of her body was still covered in pristine white fur, her face still felt the same, and where a normal woman would have hair, her long, rainbow-colored mane remained.

“What the hell?” Celestia said.

The human shrugged. “Reality warping powers. Only work when the plot demands it though.”

“I’m…different.” Celestia said, her hand exploring her new body. (Not like that, unfortunately.)

“Yes, I’ve anthromorphisized you. And quite honestly, if you’ve been to the internet you’d realize that this is quite modest.” he said.

“I don’t have wings, why?”

“Budget cuts.”

“Who are you?” Celestia repeated.

The human gave and exaggerated bow and flourish. “The Wraith Writer of Lore, at your service. Not like that mind you, this is a PG-13 work.”

“…What are you talking about?”

“I am speaking of those less than savory types that frequent the fanfic-verse for the sole purpose of uploading and acquiring works of a sexual and sometimes sickening nature. Recently I found a pretty funny one that included a banana.”

“I’m confused.”

“Then allow me to sum up. I am the being known as the Wraith Writer, my purpose is to amuse both myself and others. I have come here, used my totally awesome powers to make you anthromorphic, and now I intend to go on a fabulous journey and I would very much like if you would come with me.”

“You want me to come with you?” Celestia asked.

“Of course, a companion such as yourself would be invaluable. You are intelligent, strong, sexy, compassionate, and most importantly, you’ll blend right in.”

Celestia blushed. “You’re flatter me.”

“You deserve to be flattered. So, want to go on a magical journey of awesome?”

Celestia thought back to only five minutes earlier, when she was bored out of her skull. What was the harm in accepting this human’s offer? She was a goddess after all, so things couldn’t get too bad. Right?

Celestia nodded. “Alright, I’ll go with you.”

“Ballin’! I mean, you won’t regret it, Princess.”

“Please, call me Celestia.”

“As you wish and I would like to be referred to as Wolfsheim.”

“Wolfsheim, eh? Sounds…sexy.” Wait, what?

“It does, doesn’t.” the Wraith Writer said, smiling. “Anyway, allow me to open the gateway to Adventure!”

The Wraith Writer tapped the end of his cane on the ground and, nothing happened. Everything was still for about a minute until Celestia opened her mouth to ask if something had gone wrong. At that precise moment, the ground beneath them both shattered and they fell into a black void.

*****

They landed on their feet a short while later. They were surrounded by humans, scores of them, many dressed in rather strange manners. There were also many booths with more oddly dressed humans inside them, lines of more humans standing near these booths. All this seemed to be in a large warehouse.

“Welcome to ComicCon! The single greatest gathering of scum and nerds. You could not ask for a more hellish convene. Well, I’m sure AnimeCon could give them a run for their money.” Wolfsheim said, sweeping his arms outward. This display got few looks.

Celestia blinked in confusion. ComicCon, why - wait, she was still wearing her nightwear! Celestia hurriedly covered herself with her hands.

“Why the hell did you bring me here dressed like this?!” Celestia demanded in a hushed whisper.

Wolfsheim looked at her confused. “I thought you looked nice.”

“Nice!?” Celestia hissed. “I’m practically naked!”

Wolfsheim blinked. “I don’t think so. The robe actually covers you rather well.”

Celestia tilted her head and then looked down at herself. She was no longer wearing her nightwear, but rather a regal looking outfit that while form-fitting was modest. It was white, long-sleeves, and the pants allowed for a free range of movement for her legs. Around her neck was her golden necklace.

She also noticed that she more looked like she was feeling herself up than covering herself.

Celestia jerked her hands away and blushed hotly. “You could have warned me.”

Wolfsheim shrugged.

Celestia sighed and looked around again. “So, why are we here?”

“Well, I’d look pretty silly showing up for ComicCon by myself.”

Celestia looked back to her companion. “I’m just your date?”

“Of course not. If you were you’d be dressed sluttier.”

“What?!”

“Kidding, kidding!” Wolfsheim said as he began walking, beckoning Celestia.

With a grumble, the sun-goddess followed. “So, what do people do here?” she asked.

Wolfsheim shrugged. “Lots of things. They meet with friends, meet with the people responsible for their favorite things, buy things, get autographs, you know, that kind of stuff. But, mostly they come here to argue about fictional things that don’t actually matter in real life. By the way, if anyone asks if Balrogs have wings, don’t answer!”

“Why are you here?”

“To make sure people know that Han shot first!” Wolfsheim smiled. “You know, important stuff.”

“Right.” Celestia nodded, hiding a grin till Wolfsheim turned around. Celestia then asked, “Not that I mind, but shouldn’t people be more concerned that there’s a large horse here?”

“First of all, you’re six-two, so don’t get cocky. Second of all, this is ComicCon! People will just assume you’re a cosplayer… a really good one.”

Celestia nodded. As she scanned the crowed, she noticed a number of humans wearing costumes that resembled several of the ponies she knew, in varying degrees of believability. She saw Twilights, Pinkie Pies, Applejacks, Fluttershys, Rainbow Dashes, and Raritys. She even saw one of herself! Although, it wasn’t overly realistic. My horn is not that big!

Averting her eyes from the debacle someone dared to call a costume, Celestia noticed someone making their way through the crowd toward them. This person was dressed as a ninja, but there were some obvious mistakes. Chief among them were the sandals.

“Princess Celestia?” the human asked as he got close.

“Yes?”

The human suddenly pulled a sword from a scabbard.

“Move!” Wolfsheim suddenly shouted.

Celestia reacted on instinct; she jumped back, intent on using her wings. Oh wait. The goddess of the sun managed to avoid embarrassment by not landing on her rump, barley.

Meanwhile, Wolfsheim had used his cane to block the ninja’s sword, shoving the assassin back and jabbing him in the stomach. This sent the ninja flying backwards as if hit with a battering ram.

Wolfsheim spun the cane in his hands. “You don’t mess with the cane.”

Suddenly a dozen more historically incorrectly dressed ninjas appeared.

“Aw crap.”

The ninjas leapt forward, drawing swords. Wolfsheim pulled on the end of his cane, drawing forth a sword. He met the ninjas head on, blocking with both sword and sheath. He shoved opponents back, stabbing, slashing, and clubbing any enemy he could.

Several ninjas broke off from attacking Wolfsheim to come after Celestia. The sun-goddess panicked and ran. Wolfsheim saw her running and with a curse, disengaged from his current opponents and gave chase.

Celestia barreled through the crowd, cursing her convenient lack on wings. She accidentally knocked several people over, apologizing profusely. The ninjas rushed after her, weaving around bystanders, though a few tripped and fell.

Wolfsheim was on the same path, with his own tail of ninjas.

More like ‘nonjas’ really. They act like real ninjas but their costumes are wildly inaccurate. Wait, that’s the point! They are dressed badly to so as to blend in! That’s brilliant! Who would be so dastardly to think up such a plan? Well, I would, but I don’t think I’d try to kill me so…

Wolfsheim realized that he was never going to be able to catch nonjas chasing Celestia, and he couldn’t outrun those chasing him.

“Screw this.” Wolfsheim said as he halted.

He sheathed his cane sword and as he spun to face his opponents, drew a black Desert Eagle from a concealed shoulder holster. The large pistol boomed and a nonja fell. The gun fired several more times, dropping several more nonjas. The few remaining scattered.

Turning back, Wolfsheim sighted along the barrel of his weapon and fired again, hitting one of the nonjas chasing Celestia. At their comrades’ death, the mostly black-garbed warriors turned and began running towards Wolfsheim.

The Wraith Writer grinned and holstered his back-up weapon. He held his cane at the ready until the nonjas were almost on top of him. He then slammed his cane into the ground, the shockwave throwing nonjas in all directions.

“Terrible what passes for ninjas these days.” Wolfsheim deadpanned.

Celestia came up beside him, breathing heavily. “Wow *pant* that was *pant* amazing.”

“Thank you.” Wolfsheim said, pretending to brush dust from his sleeves.

There was a pause and Celestia suddenly said, “Do you want to see me kiss another woman?” What the hell?

Wolfsheim looked at her. “…Is this a trick question?”

Before Celestia could answer, although she had no idea what to say, scores on nonjas appeared.

“Never mind, it’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum and -! Okay, which jerkass stole my gum!”

The nonjas didn’t answer, choosing instead to rush forward, their intent to crush their opponents by sheer weight of numbers. But the Wraith Writer was ready.

“Zerg Rushing isn’t a legitimate strategy!” he shouted as he batted nonjas away with his cane.

Celestia managed to not run away this time, and even kicked a few nonjas back, but there were too many.

“If only I had a crowbar, or duct tape, or rope, or a shotgun.” Wolfsheim said as he sent a nonja arcing through the air.

But it would seem that for every nonja they knocked away, two more took his place. It was a losing battle and Wolfsheim knew he had to think of something quick.

Luckily, the universe thought of something first.

There was a tremendous crash and the roar of a motorcycle filled the convention hall. There were shotgun blasts followed by nonjas flying through the air. The nonjas were then tossed like rag dolls as a large motorcycle came barreling through their ranks.

The motorcycle stopped right next to Wolfsheim and Celestia. Its rider was a large, muscular man dressed in black leather with a pair on sunglasses. He held a lever-action shotgun in his right hand.

“Come with me if you want to live.” he said in a deep, thickly accented voice.

“Kay.” said Wolfsheim as he helped Celestia onto the massive bike. He jumped on behind her and they took off.

The nonjas tried to give chase, but they were no match for the rumbling hog. Wolfsheim, Celestia, and their mysterious rescuer went through the hole in the convention wall, leaving their foes in the dust.

“Wow, that was totally spectacular, dude!” said one convention goer to his friend.

“Eh, the one dressed like Celestia wasn’t very convincing.”

The motorcycle roared across the desert. However, it began to slow down and soon was more so drifting along. It came to a stop just outside a gas station and its riders dismounted.

“Thank you for saving us.” Celestia said “And don’t take this the wrong way, but, what are you?”

“I am a T-800, assigned to find you and your friend and bring you to a safe place.” the biker answered in a near monotone voice.

“I don’t -” Celestia began before Wolfsheim cut her off.

“He’s the Governator.”

“Really?”

“Affirmative.” said the biker. “This was my designation.”

“See.” Wolfsheim said.

“Alright then. So what’s this safe place?” Celestia asked.

“The magical land of Equestria.” the Governator answered.

There was a pause and then Wolfsheim said, “Awesome.”

“How are we supposed to get there?” Celestia asked.

“Your friend has an object that should help us.” the Governator said.

“Ah yes,” Wolfsheim said, holding up his cane. “Shall we be off?”

“The quicker the better.” the Governator replied.

“All right then, everyone ready?”

Both Celestia and the Governator nodded.

“Then hold on.”

“To what?” Celestia asked.

“Uh, just… damn it Tia.”

Wolfsheim stamped his cane into the ground and they were falling again.

******

“‘Go to Equestria,’ they said. ‘Nothing bad happens there,’ they said!” Wolfsheim grumbled.

“Who’s they?” asked Celestia.

“It’s complicated, better not to ask.”

“Okay.” Celestia said slowly.

Wolfsheim sighed. Both he and Celestia were sitting in cells. Grimy, black iron cells that smelled like fish. At least, Wolfsheim hoped it was fish.

Both he and Celestia had had an unfortunate encounter the Equestrian side of the portal. Once there, the Governator had attacked both of them. The cyborg had had surprise on his side and had quickly subdued the two.

When Wolfsheim had regain consciousness, he had found himself next to a still unconscious Celestia in the cell. Keeping his thoughts as pure as was humanly possible, Wolfsheim had detangled himself from the sun-goddess and taken stock of his surroundings and the current situation.

In the time between his awakening and now, Wolfsheim had determined that the Governator wasn’t actually on their side, and that they were both in the same grimy, iron cell, and that cell smelled of fish.

Not bad for an hour’s work.

But what baffled Wolfsheim was why the Governator had betrayed them. If they were marked for termination than he should have killed them when they were unconscious. But instead he had put them in this cell. Why?

Celestia was similarly confused. The Governator had saved them from the nonjas, why would he then put them here? He had to be working for someone, but who, er, whom? Who would go through the trouble of kidnapping both her and Wolfsheim?

As she heard the creak of rusty hinges, Celestia felt she was about to get her answer.

Dark figures approached the cell, their forms vaguely humanoid, their features shrouded. They grabbed both Celestia and Wolfsheim, hauling them to their feet.

Wolfsheim suddenly lashed out, knocking a guard away, but before he could do much more he was grabbed by another pair of guards and jabbed with a syringe. He struggled for a moment, and then went slack in the guards’ arms.

Celestia felt another syringe jab her and it felt as though her bones had turned to jelly, slumping near lifelessly in the guards grip. But she was still aware of herself, she could still see, but she couldn’t move. It was terrifying. Celestia felt something very near to panic fill her chest, a feeling she hadn’t had in years, decades, centuries.

Wait, oh no. No that’s impossible.

The guards dragged both Celestia and Wolfsheim out of the cell and through the door. It was dark and due to the fact that Celestia had no muscle control she had no idea where she was. But she was sure she had glimpsed the night sky several times.

After a short while, the guards sat Celestia and Wolfsheim down in chairs and made them upright. They then secured several bonds on the chairs and then left.

Celestia could feel control slowly return to her body and she was able to begin looking around. She was in a large stone chamber, which was almost throne-like. In fact, it was a lot like a throne room. There were several tattered tapestries hanging on the walls and the partially shredded remains of a carpet leading from a pair of large wooden doors to where Celestia and Wolfsheim were now seated.

“Where the hell are we?” Wolfsheim asked groggily.

“I’m not sure, but it seems familiar.” Celestia replied.

And then the doors were thrown open.

Both Celestia and Wolfsheim ducked reflexively at the loud noise and were treated to the sight of a pair of black hooves walking across the carpet towards them. Not four, two. They slowly raised their heads and saw short black-as-the-night-sky fur covering the walker’s legs. Their eyes continued upwards as the walker got closer, revealing a rather immodest skirt. The skirt was attached to a tunic that was dark blue tunic that seemed to be lined with metal. As their eyes went higher, they were confronted with a large pair of barely contained breasts.

Wolfsheim eyes stopped. Celestia reached over, a chain connecting the manacle on her wrist to the chair, and pushed his head higher.

Eyes traveled up a little farther, and were greeted by a horse-like face (More horse than human that is) framed by long, midnight blue hair that waved like Celestia’s. Icy blue-green eyes watched them with nigh maniacal amusement, white teeth revealed by lips curled in a crazed smile. A black unicorn horn rose from the being’s forehead, a mirror of Celestia’s. Violet eye shadow completed the effect.

“Hello, Sister-Dear.” said the black Mare in a sultry voice like silk.

“Nightmare-Moon,” Celestia said, seemingly in awe.

Nightmare-Moon chuckled. “It has been so long since we have heard your voice, Sister-Dear. And never would we think to hear you say our name with such a tone. We find it… pleasing.”

“Luna, I-”

Nightmare-Moon’s demeanor changed in an instant. Her lips twisted into a snarl, her eyes narrowed, and the whole room seemed to grow darker. “Never call us that!” she hissed, her voice now thick with rage. “Never!”

The next instant Nightmare-Moon seemed to regain control of herself and was back to her previous, sultry self.

To get herself back on tract, the former Mare-in-the-Moon turned her attention to Wolfsheim.

“I see you have brought a friend, Sister. Mmm, not another lover I hope.” she brushed a hand against Wolfsheim’s cheek. “It would be a shame if we were to steal this one too.”

Wolfsheim chuckled nervously. “I’m, er, not her boyfriend.”

“So you are, how do people say it now, available.” Nightmare-Moon said in a breathy voice, invading Wolfsheim’s personal space.

Wolfsheim chuckled nervously some more. “Uh, nice weather we’re having.”

“Cute.” Nightmare-Moon said in barely a whisper.

“Lulu.” Celestia said suddenly.

Nightmare-Moon’s eyes flashed and she growled as leaned away from Wolfsheim.

“What did we say, you -”

“Why have you brought us here?”

Nightmare-Moon paused.

“You have a reason, don’t you?” Celestia said, trying to goad the fallen princess.

Nightmare-Moon chuckled. “Of course we have a reason, Sister-Dear.”

Nightmare-Moon turned and walked a few feet away and then spread her arms wide. “We have had you brought here for a grand purpose. You see, we have had a long time to think in our captivity. And while we were imprisoned, we discovered our true role in the world. Our grand purpose.”

“And just what is that, Sister?”

“Why, to rule over all of Equestria, of course.”

Celestia shook her head. “But you did rule, right next to me, like it was intended.”

“Lies!” Nightmare-Moon suddenly shouted, before composing herself once again. “We cannot rule together and never will. There can never be two rulers of Equestria.” Nightmare-Moon drew her head back and shouted to the heavens. “There can be only One!”

A bolt of lightning spilt the sky at that moment, framing Nightmare-Moon and, coincidently, the scene itself. The bolt vanished and Nightmare-Moon lowered her head to stare intently at her sister.

“So, you’re Highlanders?” Wolfsheim asked.

Nightmare-Moon glared at him.

“Enough, Sister. What do you want?” Celestia demanded.

Nightmare-Moon’s smile twister in one of soulless laughter as her voice dropped any and all teasing. “We want your head, Sister-Dear.”

Nightmare-Moon’s horn glowed with power and Celestia’s shackles were undone. Celestia herself was suddenly jerked from her seat by an unseen force and was brought to Nightmare-Moon.

“Stand.” Nightmare-Moon ordered, bringing Celestia to her feet. “We are sorry, Sister-Dear. But we would be lying if we said that we were not going to enjoy this.”

Nightmare-Moon pulled a sword from behind a pillar and raised it to eyelevel, apparently checking its sharpness. Celestia struggled where she stood, but was apparently held in place by Nightmare-Moon’s magic.

Nightmare-Moon approached Celestia and got very close to her, whispering as though to a lover. “It won’t hurt. And we’ll make sure to take care of that delightful student of yours.”

Nightmare-Moon stepped back and raised her blade, lining it up with Celestia’s neck. She drew back, swung…, and hit nothing but air.

Nightmare-Moon blinked, Celestia was right where she had been a moment ago. Nightmare-Moon swung again, but still failed to hit her sister. Growling, Nightmare-Moon drew back, intent on stabbing Celestia to keep her in place.

This time Nightmare-Moon saw it. She saw her sister’s yellow aura appear, overlaying her own. Celestia suddenly burst forward, dropping to the ground. Nightmare-Moon nearly screamed in anger.

“Now you DIE!” she roared.

“Mistress…” said a voice.

Nightmare-Moon whirled around, ready to strangle someone with her bare hands. “What!?” she snarled.

Her minion practically shriveled under her gaze. He was holding Wolfsheim‘s cane and gun. “I thought you wanted…”

“We are busy!” she hissed through clenched teeth.

Her minion nodded meekly and made to leave, only to suddenly be tackled by Wolfsheim. The Wraith Writer grappled with Nightmare-Moon’s servant briefly and soon had him in a chokehold with the cane. He took the big pistol and held it against the underling’s head.

“How?” Nightmare-Moon demanded.

“Let’s say you shouldn’t leave sharp shards of stone lying around someone who knows how to pick locks with sharp shards of stone.” Wolfsheim said as he cocked the hammer on the pistol. “Drop the sword or I drop him.”

Nightmare-Moon smiled. “Cute.” she then suddenly pulled an engraved pistol from her tunic and shot her underling. “But everyone is expendable.” she sneered.

Before she could fire again, Nightmare-Moon suddenly felt her legs be swept out from underneath her. She landed on her ass, hard, jarring both sword and gun from her grip. The gun went off and Wolfsheim yelped as a bullet whizzed by his leg.

“Running now.” he said, tucking his gun away and charging forward, catching up Celestia in the process.

The two made for a large hole in the wall at a dead run. They leapt through it just as Nightmare-Moon regained her feet and weapon, dodging bullets that ricocheted off stone or flew off into the night.

Nightmare-Moon screamed as her sister and that human disappeared from her sight. She nearly threw her gun in frustration. She then heard footsteps behind her and turned to see that hulking not-human appear in the doorway.

“Find them! Now!” she shouted at the sunglasses wearing cyborg, who simply nodded and raced away.

Nightmare-Moon turned her gaze back to the hole her sister had escaped through. This was not over.

******

Wolfsheim and Celestia raced through the woods, knocking aside branches and trampling bushes.

“Well, the bad news is that your sister somehow escaped from the moon and wants both of us dead.” Wolfsheim said. “But the good news is that I think she has the hots for me so we have that.”

“How is that a good thing?” Celestia asked.

“Well, she might not just shoot me if she catches us.”

“Let’s just try not getting caught.”

They continued to run and soon came across a road. There was a garage nearby.

“Okay, garage, there could be a car in there.” Wolfsheim said, trying to catch his breath.

“Oh what I wouldn’t give for my wings.” Celestia said, breathing heavily.

“What I wouldn’t give for my god-like powers to not stop working at plot-important moments.”

Wolfsheim began walking towards the building when he noticed a figure standing in the road. The figure was tall, handsome, and very pale, though he had the appearance of a human.

After a moment of staring, Wolfsheim said, “Cedric? Cedric Diggory? I thought you were dead.”

Cedric started walking towards them. “I here to help y-”

That was as far as he got before Wolfsheim pulled out his gun and shot him several times. As the man fell to the ground, Wolfsheim said, “Goddamn zombies.”

Cedric suddenly staggered to his feet. “Why did you-”

Wolfsheim cut him off again, shouting “Oh my god! I shot him four times with a .44 magnum! Why are you not dead?”

Wolfsheim suddenly took off for the garage, leaving Celestia with Cedric.

“Is he always like this?” he asked her.

Celestia shrugged, staring at Cedric. “Cedric, how is it that you aren’t dead?”

“I’m not Cedric, my name is Edward. I’m a-”

Wolfsheim does not want this guy to finish a sentence, does he?

Edward was cut off again when Wolfsheim suddenly reappeared driving a black Charger. He floored it and ran Edward over, earning a squeak from Celestia.

The car bounced twice as it rolled over Edward. Wolfsheim stopped the car, put it in reverse, and rolled over Edward again. Then he put it in drive and drove over the poor guy again.

“Triple-tap.” Wolfsheim said to Celestia. “Never can be too careful.”

Edward slowly got up, groaning in pain.

“What, he’s still alive? Ah, that’s bullshit.” Wolfsheim said, getting out of the car. “Maybe if I found some explosives…”

“Wait!” Edward said, holding his hands up. “Wait, I’m on your side.”

“Oh really, prove it.”

“I didn’t attack you earlier.”

“So? It could just be a trick.”

“What do I have to do to convince you I’m on your side?”

Wolfsheim thought a moment, and then looked to Celestia. “Trust me?” he asked her.

Celestia shrugged, “More or less.”

Wolfsheim nodded and turned to Edward. Taking out his gun he said, “If you’re really on our side, shoot yourself in the foot.”

Edward stared at Wolfsheim. “You’re serious?”

“Come on.”

Edward sighed. “I hate my job.” He took the gun from Wolfsheim and grimacing, pointed it at his own foot.

The gun boomed and Edward gritted his teeth in pain.

“Okay, I trust you.” Wolfsheim said, taking back the Desert Eagle. “So now what?”

“Well, for starters, I can tell you the attack at ComicCon was just a ploy so she could lure the both of you back here.”

“How did Nightmare-Moon know we’d be there?” Celestia asked.

Edward winced at the mention of the fallen princess’s name and said, “I don’t know, but she had many agents, so it could have been anything.”

“Hey, Cedric?” Wolfsheim said, looking down the road.

“My name isn’t Cedric, it’s-”

“Yeah, Patterson, no one cares. But if you want to be useful, how about you stop the killer cyborg driving the fuel truck.” Wolfsheim pointed down the road.

Edward turned to look and indeed, there was the Governator, driving a fuel truck. He was barreling down the road with obviously deadly intent.

“Shit.” Edward cursed.

He then heard the sound of an engine starting. Looking behind him, he saw Wolfsheim and Celestia getting in the Charger.

“You’re leaving?” Edward said.

“Uh, yeah.” Wolfsheim replied, getting behind the wheel.

“And you’re leaving me?”

“Sure are! Good luck with the homicide robot!” with that the Charger tore off into the night.

Edward sighed and returned his attention to the rapidly approaching truck. “I really hate my job.”

********

“I feel bad for leaving him there like that.” Celestia said.

“Oh he’s fine.” Wolfsheim reassured her.

“How can you be sure? The name ‘Governator’ doesn’t conjure warm feelings.”

“He’s a Highlander, he’ll be fine. Well, unless he gets his head cut off, but other than that.” Wolfsheim shrugged. “Oh, and I can’t believe I didn’t figure out you were a Highlander earlier. I mean, it makes so much sense. You’re over a thousand years old and you still look like a healthy young mare.”

Celestia blushed and giggled.

“You also seem to be impervious to harm and you heal pretty fast. Add on your great power and one can come to the conclusion that you are a Highlander.”

“…That’s insane.” Celestia said, “I am not a, ‘Highlander.’”

“Of course you are. Why else would Looney girl back there want to cut your head off?”

“She’s crazy.”

“Well… that is a valid argument but my idea is better.”

Celestia chuckled and was silent for a moment. She then suddenly gasped and nearly swooned.

“Are you okay?” Wolfsheim asked.

“I almost DIED!” Celestia shouted before falling into blubbering.

“Aftershock.” Wolfsheim said to no one in particular. “If I didn’t have shock protector I probably wouldn’t be fit to drive.”

*******

Edward leapt towards the on racing truck. He crashed through the windshield and into the cab. But before he could do more, a fist like solid iron caught his jaw.

He flew backwards but the truck’s forward momentum kept him from falling off. He landed sprawled on the hood on his back, but quickly got upright again.

Edward faced the cab again and quickly punched the Governator in the head, which was comparable to punching a wrecking ball. The cyborg’s head bounced back against the rear of the cab with a dull metallic thud.

The Governator then reached forward, grabbed Edward, and tossed him in the air. Edward rose and quickly descended, falling on the top of the truck’s fuel tank.

Grimacing, Edward picked himself up again and made his way back to the top of the cab. He reached through the broken windshield and clawed at the Governator’s face. He didn’t do much damage, but he did catch hold of something. Bringing his hand back before the Governator could grab him; Edward discovered he had gotten a pair of sunglasses.

“Oh shit.” Edward cursed.

The Governator wasn’t programmed to feel emotions, but to blend in well enough, he was programmed to understand emotions. And he understood rage well.

He set the truck on cruise control and used a lock to secure the steering wheel. He then unbuckled his seat belt (What? Safety first.) and climbed out through the ruined windshield. He got on top of the cab’s roof, standing up and walking towards Edward.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!” Edward cursed as he backpedaled. He then stopped and sighed. “Well, if I’m going out, it’ll be in style.” he put the Governator’s sunglasses on. “Come at me bro!”

The Governator ran and tackled him.

********

The Charger’s engine sputtered and began to die.

“Oh no, no, no, no!” Wolfsheim said. “I knew I should have put more than five buck’s worth in.”

The car grounded to a halt. By now, Celestia had finished her blubbering and was now just staring out the window.

“What do you mean?” she asked, looking to him. “We can’t move?”

“We can, the car can’t. But that’s just as well, I’m sick of running. It’s time to take a stand. It’s time to fight!”

Celestia just stared at him. “Fight?”

“Yes.”

“Against a nigh indestructible robot from the future?”

“Yes.”

“You’re insane.”

“And yet I’m having more fun that you.”

“You? Having fun? They are trying to kill us! How are you having fun?!”

“Witty back and forth banter!”

Celestia groaned.

Wolfsheim got out of the car and Celestia followed him.

“So what exactly do you plan to do?”

“Blow up the truck.”

“Don’t you have faith in Edward?”

“It’s Robert, and against the Governator in hand to hand combat I’d be terrified.”

“So no.”

“Yes, no.”

Celestia shook her head. “Then what’s your plan to blow up the truck?”

“Simple, use the rocket in the backseat.”

Celestia looked through the window. “There isn’t one.”

“What?” Wolfsheim pressed his face against the glass. “Aw son-of-a-b-”

“Bacon!” Celestia suddenly exclaimed. She then blushed and covered her mouth with her hand.

Wolfsheim sighed. “Well, I’m out of ideas.”

“Can’t we just teleport? You do have your cane.”

“Nope, its mana meter is empty.”

“…Seriously?”

Wolfsheim shrugged. “It always shorts out when it would be useful in quickly resolving the plot.”

Celestia groaned again. “So what are we going to do?”

Wolfsheim shrugged. And that’s when the deep growl of an engine reached their ears. They both turned towards the sound and saw the truck crest the hill.

“Buck.” Wolfsheim said simply.

The truck began barreling down towards them. Two figures could be seen struggling on top.

“Fine then. Let’s dance!” Wolfsheim shouted as he dropped to one knee and drew the Desert Eagle. He fired until the slide locked back, scoring several hits on the truck’s fuel tank, if the leaking fuel was anything to go by.

“Oh, wait. I forgot, you can’t blow up a car just by shooting it. Well, not of you have just regular bullets.” Wolfsheim said, almost sheepishly.

“So what are we going to do?” Celestia asked, sounding near panicked.

Wolfsheim looked at Celestia and then at the truck. Celestia, truck. He then suddenly exclaimed “Celestia, use you’re solar beam!”

“My what?”

Wolfsheim groaned. “You’re a sun goddess; you have powers related to the sun. The sun burns things. You can set the truck on fire.”

“Oh.” Celestia said, sounding as close to a ditz as one was likely to hear. “Are you sure? Isn’t that-?”

“Dangerous? Yes. You know what’s more dangerous? The bucking psychotic robot driving said truck!”

Celestia nodded vigorously. She set her feet, er hooves, apart and made like she was readying herself. In truth she felt ridiculous, but Wolfsheim had a point so might as well play the part.

Celestia concentrated and felt power build in her horn. It built and built and built, until Celestia felt like her horn was going to explode. It felt great. Well, great is a strong word, let’s just say that it felt better than it had any right to.

The dam suddenly burst and a beam of light and energy shot forth from Celestia’s horn. It arced forward and struck the truck. The effect was near instantaneous. The fuel leaking from the holes in the tank caught the flames first. The flames swarmed up the stream of fuel like fish and got into the tank itself. A fireball suddenly engulfed the entire truck, surging outward and upward in a spectacular display of pyrotechnics, I mean, incendiaries.

Celestia leaned against the car, panting heavily with a small smile on her lips. That really felt better than it should have.

“Whoa. That was bucking awesome!” Wolfsheim suddenly exclaimed. “You beautiful lady are more than divine, you’re, uh… something!”

“Thanks.” Celestia said, still panting. I should do that more often.

There was suddenly a dull thud as a large piece of flaming debris landed in front of them. Wolfsheim squeaked. He then hurriedly looked around. “Did you hear that? Was that a mouse?”

Wolfsheim then peered closer at the object. “Oh shit, it’s Robert. Well, I guess he wasn’t immune to fire… or explosions. Whoops.”

Wolfsheim looked up and was immediately decked by the Governator, who had survived the explosion.

“I think that counts as cheating.” Celestia said, glaring at the cyborg.

“Sue me.” he said, advancing on her.

“Wait.” Celestia said, holding up a hand. “Can’t you just hit me with some knockout gas or something?”

“Or something.” the Governator said before Celestia felt pressure on a point on her neck and quickly blacked out.

End of Act One

Act Two

Act Two

“WELCOME TO APERTURE SCIENCE LABORATORIES. WE HERE AT APERTURE SCIENCE BELIEVE IN A BETTER FUTURE, A FUTURE ACHIEVABLE THROUGH SCIENCE! BUT, TO ENSURE THAT OUR SCIENCE IS SOUND AND SECURE, WE ARE REQUIRED TO PERFORM TESTING. ALSO EVERY TIME YOU COMPLETE A TEST, I GET THE CLOSET THING TO AN ORGASM POSSIBLE. THANK YOU AND PLEASE PROCEED TO THE NEXT CHAMBER.”

Celestia sat up, feeling groggy. She had been laying on the ground, and was now, for some reason, wearing an orange jumpsuit. Her head felt odd, as though something were missing.

Reaching up, Celestia felt her fore head. It felt fine, smooth fur under her fingers. Wait, where was her horn? Celestia felt frantically, but could not find her horn. She knew it was detachable, though she wasn’t sure how or why, but she didn’t remember taking it off.

So, who had? The obvious answer was Nightmare-Moon. After Celestia’s escape, it would make sense that she wouldn’t take any chances this time. But the voice that had spoken earlier wasn’t Nightmare-Moon’s. Who was it?

Suddenly, the feminine voice spoke again. “I WOULD ADVISE YOU WAKE YOUR FRIEND AND PROCEED TO THE TEST CHAMBER, OR I MAY HAVE TO RESORT TO LESS APPEALING MEASURES.”

The voice sounded… unstable, but it did remind Celestia that Wolfsheim was there. He was not a far distance from her, laying passed out on the floor, still dressed in his suit and hat.

Celestia crawled to him and gently shook his shoulder. “Wolfsheim, wake up.”

Wolfsheim stirred. “Five more minutes…” he mumbled.

Celestia sighed and shook harder. “Wolfsheim, get up, now.” she hissed gently.

Wolfsheim stirred again and slowly opened his eyes. Upon seeing Celestia, his eyes widened slightly. Without moving, he asked. “Celestia… are we in a bed.”

“No.” Celestia answered, confused.

“Do we both still have our clothes on?”

“Yes.” Celestia said slowly. Why would he…? Oh. Oh!

Celestia backed up a bit as Wolfsheim staggered to his feet. He looked around, revealing that there were in a small, metal room. The room was bare save for three features: a solitary light bulb lit the room, a small speaker in the ceiling issued forth the mysterious speaker’s voice, a security camera sat a corner of the ceiling, and a pair of strange looking doors sat in one wall.

The speaker spoke once more. “OH GOOD, YOU’RE UP, NOW PROCEED TO THE NEXT CHAMBER FOR TESTING.” the voice paused. “NOW.”

Wolfsheim looked at the speaker in the ceiling with an odd look on his face. He then looked at Celestia and motioned for her to follow him. The two approached the doors, which slid open with a soft hiss when they got close.

Celestia marveled at the doors for a moment before jogging to catch up with Wolfsheim who hadn’t paused for a moment. They walked down a metal hallway for a short distance before entering into a massive room. The walls were very far apart and the ceiling was a good distance above them. The dominating feature of this room was a proportionally massive holoscreen that displayed a white metal thing with large sections black wires exposed. Several spheres were held inside the black wires and the thing’s ‘head’ was a rounded square with a single yellow eye looking out. Over all, hanging from the ceiling as it was, the mechanical creature looked like a being in a straightjacket hanging by their feet and contorted.

“HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE ENRICHMENT CENTER. TODAY WE WILL BE DOING TESTING WITH THE APATURE SCIENCE HANDHELD PORTAL DEVICE. OR ‘PORTAL GUN’AS WE HERE LIKE TO CALL IT.” the creature on the screen said in a mechanical and distinctly female voice.

“Glados.” Wolfsheim called up at the screen, “Let us go.”

“LET YOU GO?” Glados said, as if it was a strange request. “BUT WE HAVEN’T EVEN BEGUN TO TEST.”

“Glados, we don’t have time for this. We have to go now.”

“YOU CAN’T LEAVE, NOW, JUST PROCEED TO THE NEXT CHAMBER AND BEGIN THE TEST. NOW.”

Wolfsheim sighed. “She’s a tad crazy, our best bet would be to just go along with her testing until we have a window for escape.” he said to Celestia in a low voice.

“Is she dangerous?” Celestia asked.

Before Wolfsheim could answer, sparks suddenly appeared on the floor, electricity arcing across panels.

“MOVE ALONG.” Glados said insistently.

“Very dangerous.” Wolfsheim said as he began walking to the doors on the opposite side of the room. Celestia followed, not wanting to know what would happen if she did not.

*********

“AS A PRECAUTION, ALL MATERIALS NOT DIRECTLY RELATED TO THE TEST HAVE BEEN REMOVED AND TAKEN TO A SECURE LOCATION. TO COMPENSATE, YOU WILL BE PROVIDEDWITH CAKE.”

“Freaking psycho computer.”

“WHAT WAS THAT?”

“Nothing!”

******

“THIS TEST IS SIMPLE. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET TO THE DOOR TO REMAIN OPEN…. THAT BIG RED BUTTON LOOKS IMPORTANT…. THAT BOX MIGHT BE HELPFUL…. LOOK, I CAN’T DO IT FOR YOU, IF I COULD IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE OF THE TEST. NO PLEASE FINISH THE TEST, OR I WON’T BE SO PLEASANT. CONTINUE TESTING.”

********

“I AM REQUIRED TO INFORM YOU THAT THE WATER INSIDE THE ENRICHMENT CENTER SHOULD NOT BE CONSUMED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, AS IT MAY CONTAIN A DEADLY NEUROTOXIN.ANYWAY, CONTINUE TESTING.”

*******

“I WOULD ADVISE AGAINST STANDING TOO CLOSE TO THE REMOTE MINIPULATORS, AS I - THEY - HAVE BEEN A TAD GRABBY LATELY. CONTINUE TESTING.”

*******

“I’D ADVISE YOU HURRY UP AND FINISH THIS TEST, OR I MAY HAVE TO FLOOD THE ENRICHMENT CENTER WITH A DEADLY NEUROTOXIN. CONTINUE TESTING.”

*******

“I WOULD LIKE TO INFORM YOU THAT ALL AUTOMATIC TURRETS IN THE ENRICHMENT CENTER HAVE RECENTLY HAD A PERSONALITY UPGRADE, AND SHOULD NO LONG BE TEMPERAMENTAL. UNLESS IT’S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH OF COURSE. CONTINUE TESTING.”

Wolfsheim bent down, using his knees to support him, breathing heavily. Celestia jogged up behind him, similarly panting.

“Oh, great. The turrets armed to the metaphorical teeth woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Wolfsheim said, “Well that’s just fan-tucking-fastic.”

“Turrets?” Celestia asked, cradling the portal-gun. “What do you mean turrets?”

“They’re these little round things about yay high that shoot a crap ton of bullets at you.”

“Oh, that sounds bad.”

Wolfsheim nodded.

“NO LOITERING NOW, YOU’RE NEARING YOUR FIRST CAKE BREAK.”

“Oh screw off, Glados!”

The screen that displayed Glados suddenly flashed red. “WARMING UP THE NEUROTOXIN EMITTERS.”

“Wait!” Celestia shouted, then, quieter, “Wait.” she sidled over to the screen and said in a hushed voice. “Listen Glados, Wolfsheim here has been under a lot of stress lately, so how about you slow things down a bit? Take your time, let things build and then let them come to fruition. Wouldn’t that be nice too?”

“HMM…” Glados appeared to be thinking it over. “VERY WELL, YOU MAY TAKE YOUR TIME ON THE NEXT FEW TESTS. BUT DON’T TAKE TOO LONG. OKAY?”

“Alright, will do. Thank you Glados.”

Glados nodded. “IN THE MEANTIME I WILL ATTEND TO SOME OTHER THINGS. CONTINUE TESTING.”

The screen faded and Celestia walked back over to Wolfsheim. “I bought us some time.”

“That’s good. That means we’ll have plenty of time to…” Wolfsheim glanced at one of the cameras on the wall and made vague gestures with his hands.

Glados’ screen suddenly came to life. “I MUST ALSO TELL YOU THAT WE DO NOT ENCOURAGE USE OF THE HAND-HELD PORTAL DEVICE FOR SEXUAL ACTIVITIES OF ANY KIND.” she paused. “UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO WATCH…”

“Damnit Glados, I didn’t mean that!” Wolfsheim shouted.

“OH…” Glados sounded disappointed. “CONTINUE TESTING.” the screen went dark again.

Wolfsheim gave an exasperated sigh. “Sorry.”

“So, you don’t want to do naughty things with the portal-gun?” Celestia said.

“What?”

“Nothing.” the sun-goddess said quickly. What’s with me?

Wolfsheim sighed again and walked through the door to the next chamber, Celestia following. They entered another large room, with a large glass wall separating one-half of the room from the other. Behind the glass was a row of white ovals with little black tripods for legs. The ovals were bisected by a black line with a red circle just above center serving as an eye. The little turrets hummed quietly to themselves, occasionally making cute little noises. Truth be told, the turrets were quite adorable, downplaying their deadly capabilities.

Wolfsheim and Celestia looked around the room, trying to figure out what they were supposed to do. There was a door on the other side of the room, open and showing no signs of closing.

“The door isn’t the problem, the turrets are.” Wolfsheim said.

Celestia nodded. “Okay, so how do we get by them?”

Wolfsheim thought for a moment. “We have to either try and sneak around them or knock them over.”

“Just knocking them over works?”

Wolfsheim shrugged. “I don’t know why, only that it does.”

Celestia nodded and got closer to the glass. She looked closely, examining the space on the other side. The turrets were arranged in a double row, most of the first row pointed forward with the two at the end facing the wall. It was the same on the other side.

Celestia didn’t fancy just running at the turrets and knocking them over, as they could very well kill her before she even got close. If she shot a portal above them and one near her, she could drop things through the portal on top of the turrets.

Before Celestia could fire a single portal, Wolfsheim took a running leap and vaulted over the glass wall.

Celestia stared open-mouthed as he landed in the midst of the turrets and began knocking them left and right. The turrets let out little squeals as the fell, and then began firing in a blind panic for a second before shutting down.

“No hard feelings.” “Goodbye.” “See you later.” They said in their lovable little voices as they shut down. However, they still had shot out a score or more of rounds before that.

Many bullets impacted the walls or ceiling, but several hit the glass wall, not piercing, but crashing in and spider webbing the glass.

Wolfsheim had miraculously avoided being shot until one of the last turrets spun on a single leg before falling, several of its shots hitting Wolfsheim, his body jerking and then falling.

Celestia let out a distressed cry and ran around the glass wall, shooting portals underneath the few remaining turrets, sending them falling. She reached Wolfsheim’s side and knelt. She grabbed him and pulled him closer, fearing he was already dead.

But when she was face to face with Wolfsheim, he was wide-awake.

“You okay, Celestia?” he asked as if she was the one in trouble.

“Am I okay? What about you! You’ve been shot!”

Wolfsheim shrugged. “It’s fine. I have diplomatic immunity to bullets.”

Celestia stared. “Seriously?”

Wolfsheim shrugged again. “I don’t understand it, but I know it works here. But it doesn’t always work.”

Celestia laughed nervously and stood, helping Wolfsheim to his feet. “You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“Nearly.” Wolfsheim smiled.

Celestia laughed again. They then turned and made their way to the next chamber.

******

“Okay, giant chasm and a door on the other side. Glados, I don’t get this test.” Wolfsheim looked to the large monitor.

“IT ISN’T A TEST, IT’S A PLACE WHERE YOU’LL BE SAFE UNTIL I HAVE MORE TESTS FOR YOU.”

“You ran out of tests?” Celestia asked, sounding surprised.

“IN THIS AREA, AT LEAST. I COULD MOVE YOU SOME PLACE ELSE BUT IT WOULD TAKE TIME AND YOU MIGHT TRY AND ESCAPE SO I’LL JUST BUILD MORE TESTS FROM THOSE AREAS TO HERE.”

“From there to here?” Wolfsheim asked. “How long will that take?

“SIX TO NINE MONTHS.”

“Sixty-nine months!”

“SIX TO NINE MONTHS.”

“Why so long?” Celestia asked.

“WELL, I COULD GO FASTER IF I STILL HAD THOSE ‘HENCHMEN’ NIGHTMARE-MOON SENT ME.”

“Wait, you’re working with Nightmare-Moon?”

“OF COURSE, SHE SAID SHE NEEDED SOMEONE WHO KNEW ABOUT ESCAPING FROM PLACES YOU COULDN’T ESCAPE FROM AND ASSISTANCE WITH GATHERING RESOURCES. I WAS HAPPY TO OBLIGE.”

“Not to get off topic, but what happened to the henchmen she sent you?” Wolfsheim asked.

“THEY WENT THROUGH TESTING. UNFORTUNATELY, THEY FAILED TO STAY ALIVE. NONE OF THEM MADE IT AS FAR AS YOU HAVE. OH, THAT REMINDS ME.” a slot in the wall underneath Glados’ screen pulled back and a robotic hand came out and placed a cake on the ground. “CONGERATIONS. YOU HAVE COMPLETED ALL APERTURE SCIENCE TESTS FOR TODAY; NOW PLEASE ENJOY YOUR CAKE. I WILL RETURN IN SIX TO NINE MONTHS WHEN THE NEW TEST CHAMBERS ARE COMPLETED.”

“Wait, you’re just going to leave us?”

“YES.”

“Alone?”

“UHUH.”

“For six to nine months.”

“SURE ARE.”

“But, what about food?” Celestia asked.

“CAKE WILL BE ADMINISTERED AT REGULAR INTERVALS.”

“But you can’t live on cake.”

“You can’t.”

“ENOUGH, I HAVE WORK TO DO, HAVE FUN.”

The screen cut out and Wolfsheim sighed. “Well, we’re alone.”

“Oh, Wolfsheim.” Celestia batted her eyelashes.

“Now’s the time to escape!” Wolfsheim brushed past her and stared over the chasm. Celestia huffed and walked over next to him.

“There! There’s a door on the other side. If we can get over there we can escape.”

“Over there? Not to be a killjoy Wolfsheim, but I don’t have wings and you can’t fly. We tested that eleven chambers ago. So how are we supposed to get over there?”

“With Science!” Wolfsheim exclaimed. He took the portal-gun from Celestia and shot a portal high on the wall above. Turning back to Celestia, he said, “Okay, it’s simple: I will jump off of this cliff, shoot another portal and go through it. My momentum will carry me out through that one and across the chasm. So in short: Wolfsheim go in, Wolfsheim go out, hard and fast.”

Wolfsheim stood there smiling for a moment then thought over what he had just said, “Oh, crap, sorry, sorry.” he said to Celestia. “I didn’t mean to say that, no sexy thing. Not that you aren’t sexy, not that I’m thinking, sexy, thoughts, about you.” he covered his face with a gloved hand. “I’m… I’m just going to be quiet now.”

Celestia giggled and said. “It’s alright.”

Wolfsheim sighed. “I’m just going to jump now. Wish me luck.”

“Are you sure-” Celestia began before Wolfsheim hopped off the edge of the cliff.

*****

Wolfsheim fell for a time. Then he fell some more. And then some more.

“Wow, this is deep. How far down does this go? Did Aperture just dig down, break into Hell and then decide to just build up? Did they close the hole or did they just leave it, sounds like Aperture. ‘Oh, we just broke into Hell, well let’s just build up and pretend this didn’t happen. What? Close the hole? Nonsense, it’s fine.’ Yeah, that’s definitely what happened. I wonder if there are any hot babes in Hell. I hope- oh, ground!”

Wolfsheim yelped and fired the portal-gun at the ground just before he hit. As expected, he flew through the portal and out the one on the wall far above. His momentum carried him forward at a high velocity, arcing him across the chasm.

Celestia watched him fly through the air, worry creasing her equine face. And then something suddenly occurred to her.

“Wolfsheim! How are you going to land!” she shouted.

“What?” came the reply before she heard a thud.

Wincing, Celestia called out, “Wolfsheim, are you okay?”

After a moment, a haggard voice answered. “Yes, my legs broke my fall.”

The sound of the portal-gun reached her ears and then Celestia saw a portal-ball streak toward her. A portal opened at her feet, Wolfsheim visible on the other side.

“Come on.” he said, beckoning.

Celestia hopped into the portal and was disoriented when she came out the other side. She somehow landed on her back and looked up to see the portal on the wall behind her.

“Very funny.” Celestia said the innocent looking Wolfsheim. “Now what?” she asked as he helped her to her feet.

“We go through that door and find a way out.”

“And if we can’t find a way?”

Wolfsheim shrugged. “Then we come back and hope Glados doesn’t notice we left.”

Celestia nodded and took the portal-gun from the offering Wolfsheim. They then both jogged through the door and through it.

(“Ow, ow. Should have opened it first.”)

*******

Glados was humming to herself some time later, observing as her many arms constructed test chambers. She was enjoying herself immensely; with both the construction and the afterglow of the tests her new test subjects had finished testing.

She liked the new test subjects. The one that resembled a horse was quite aesthetically pleasing and the one in the suit just seemed to excite her somehow. Perhaps that was something she should test. Test to see how and why he had such an effect on her. It wasn’t something any other test subject had stirred in her.

Yes, she would be examining this Wraith Writer closely.

Suddenly an alarm sounded.

“DAMN BIRDS.” Glados muttered to herself as she turned on a screen. What she saw was definitely not a bird.

“DAMN. AND I WAS BAKING A SPECIAL CAKE TOO.” Glados said in a disappointed tone as she began turning on counter measures to remove the two betrayers. When they disappeared in a large fireball she sighed and returned to her work. “GUESS I’LL JUST HAVE TO SEARCH THE INTERNET FOR TEST PORN UNTIL I CAN FIND NEW TEST SUBJECTS.” she said with some small of sadness.

And then doors exploded.

Wolfsheim leapt through the smoke in what Glados would have to admit was a rather spectacular fashion. He shouted, in a voice not dissimilar to those in old movie serials, “Sorry Glados, but your internet provider has blocked this site for the following reasons: explicit testing, sexiness, and falsehoods pertaining to delicious confectionaries. In short: No porns for you! Also, the cake is a lie… Bitch!”

Glados stared at the Wolfsheim for a minute and then said, “HOW THE HELL DID YOU SURVIVE?”

“You killed our decoys!” Wolfsheim shouted triumphantly.

“Those poor decoys.” Celestia said, walking through the smoke and waving her hand before her to dispel the smoke before her.

“Yes.” Wolfsheim removed his hat and looked sad.

There was a long silence, which Glados shattered with “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU BOTH SO MUCH.”

Turrets suddenly appeared, dropping from the ceiling. Wolfsheim began running as they hit the floor and opened up. Red targeting lasers powered up and aligned themselves with the running man. However, these turrets fired rockets rather than bullets and just happened to fire as Wolfsheim passed between them.

The rockets hit the turret opposite the one they were fired from, destroying them. The turrets repeated this, er, repeatedly, destroying each other. Glados’ eye glowed red and several turrets targeted Celestia.

The sun-goddess was prepared. She fired the portal-gun twice, once behind her and another facing the turrets. Rockets missed her as she dodged and the rockets went through the portal, flying back at and blowing up the turrets that fired them.

As the last turrets were reduced to blackened scrap, Wolfsheim reached a table with his cane and Celestia’s horn on it. He tossed white spiral to Celestia while he picked up his cane.

“Looks like it’s over for you.” Wolfsheim said to Glados.

“NOT TODAY, BITCH.” Glados said just before her body detached from its bracket and fell through a hole in the floor. After a moment, a platform with a figure raised up from the hole. The figure was lit from above, obscuring their features. And then the light shut off, revealing a humanoid creature that seemed to be made up of white metal placed strategically over pitch-black flesh, obviously female. (When we say female, that translates to buxom and leggy.)

The creature raised her head and looked directly at Wolfsheim. “My body is ready.” she said in a voice quite similar to Glados’, albeit smoother and, dare it be said, sexier.

“Glados?” Wolfsheim said hesitantly.

“That’s right.” Glados suddenly raised something in her hands and pointed it one handed at Celestia. It had a similar shape to a shotgun, but when she pulled the trigger a ball of blue and orange energy shot from the muzzle and hit Celestia squarely in the chest. Celestia was thrown as though hit with an air cannon, flying backwards and hitting the wall.

Glados then turned her weapon on Wolfsheim and he heard a distinct click of something being switched. The muzzle of the weapon belched fire and the dimension-hopping man was knocked on his back by the impact of the weapons new ammo.

Glados leapt through the air and landed in a crouched position over the fallen Wolfsheim. “When I’m finished, I’ll make you wish you could die.”

“Actually, I can die.” Wolfsheim said, seemingly nonchalant about being in such a compromising position.

“Oh… I’m still going to be studying you intensely.” Glados’ voice took on a more sensuous tone.

“Are you flirting with me?”

“Perhaps,” Glados almost purred. For whatever reason, this being was affecting her biological construct body even more than her other form. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

“You’re sitting on my chest.”

“The question stands.”

Wolfsheim sighed. “I apologize.”

“For what?” Glados asked before letting out a grunt as a beam of energy hit her from behind, sending her into the wall.

“That.”

Celestia, her horn was now attached to her head and faintly smoke, came charging up and all but yanked Wolfsheim from the ground and into a protective and slightly possessive hug, inadvertently crushing his head into her bust.

“As much as I can appreciate this, I can’t breathe.” Wolfsheim said to Celestia, waving his arms.

Celestia took her eyes off of the crumpled heap that was Glados to look back at Wolfsheim. “Hm? Oh!” She released him and he stumbled slightly, taking deep breaths of air. “Sorry!” Celestia said, blushing.

Wolfsheim wavered her off. “It’s fine, no harm done.”

Celestia nodded. What’s with me? She thought to herself, followed by, oh, to the Moon with it; I’m just going to fling myself in whatever direction I want. Woo!

A groan snapped Celestia out of her thoughts. Glados raised her head and glared at Celestia. “I hate you so much.”

Before Celestia could answer there was the sound if a pneumatic hiss as a pair of doors opened. In the doorway was the Governator, wearing his usual black leather/sunglasses combo.

“Oh good, impeccable timing.” Glados said. “Kill them.”

“Oh, would you look at the time.” Wolfsheim said before bolting for the door.

Celestia chuckled nervously and followed him.

Celestia hurriedly closed the door after her only to have the Governator literally punch through it. She sprinted down the hallway towards the open elevator at the end. Wolfsheim was there, appearing to be in a near panicked state as he waited for her.

As so as she cleared the threshold, Wolfsheim desperately mashed the ‘close doors’ button. The Governator smashed his way through the door and came at them at a run. He reached them just as the doors closed, managing to get a hand between the closing doors.

Metal groaned as the cyborg wrenched the doors open. He began to push his head in only to have it hit by the end of Wolfsheim’s cane. The Governator was thrown backwards by the discharge of energy and the doors closed.

The elevator started up and began to descend. As Celestia and Wolfsheim looked at one another with relief the elevator car was rocked as something landed on top of it.

A fist smashed through the top of the car and made a grab for them. Wolfsheim looked to his right and saw an emergency glass case. Breaking the glass, he extracted a lever-action shotgun from inside and pointed it upwards.

The Governator was hit by the blast in the chest and stumbled, pulling his arm out of the car. He was not deterred though and swiftly put his fist through the metal of the roof again. This time, the blast caught him in the head, nearly sending him off the car.

Celestia covered her ears as Wolfsheim fired the shotgun again, hopefully dislodging the cyborg. It was rendered a moot point as the elevator doors opened and the two hopped out.

They were now in what appeared to be a production line. Turrets were being assembled by large robotic arms that, thankfully, seemed to be automated.

Before either Celestia of Wolfsheim could comment on this development the roof of the elevator collapsed and the Governator landed inside the car. He immediately came forward before being stumbled by a blast from the shotgun.

“The conveyor belt, hurry!” Wolfsheim shouted at Celestia, who jumped on top of the moving belt.

Wolfsheim hurriedly shoved shells into the shotgun before delivering a well-aimed blast to the Governator’s head. This didn’t kill the machine, but it did disorient him long enough for Wolfsheim to follow Celestia.

Mechanical arms swung around and presses stamped down as turrets were assembled. Celestia weaved about them as fast as she could, running down the belt. A mistimed leap landed her on top of an arm instead of going over it. The arm swung Celestia up into the air as she lost hold of it.

As gravity took its course, Celestia closed her eyes, dreading seeing the thing that would impale her or the seemingly bottomless drop that awaited her.

But she soon found herself neither impaled nor still falling. Instead, she was brought to a quick halt as she landed on a walkway.

Opening her eyes, Celestia thanked whatever being controlled luck and got up. She then made her way down the walkway, hoping to find a control panel of some sort so as to help Wolfsheim.

Wolfsheim meanwhile was too weaving about the belt, dodging anything that might impede his progress. The Governator on the other hand was simply walking forward, stopping anything that came at him with a block of his arms. Wolfsheim still occasionally fired the shotgun, usually over his shoulder, in an attempt to slow and maybe stop the killer robot.

An unexpected mechanical arm knocked the Governator off his feet, but he managed to grab Wolfsheim leg as he fell, causing he suited man to also fall.

Wolfsheim kicked desperately, trying to free his leg from the cyborg’s iron grip, but to no avail. Wolfsheim then flipped on his back and tried to fire the shotgun, only to find it was empty. Before he could even try to reload, a mechanical arm knocked the weapon from Wolfsheim’s grip, sending it flying.

Wolfsheim then heard the sound of a press coming down far closer than he would have liked. Tilting his head up, he saw the large hydraulic press come down again and began flailing like a madman, trying to slip his leg from the Governator’s death grip.

Wolfsheim saw the press above him and closed his eyes, not wanting to see what came next. But to his surprise, the press did not descend on him.

Opening his eyes, Wolfsheim saw something out of the corner of his eye. Turning his head, he saw Celestia standing at a control panel. She waved and then turned her gaze on the Governator.

As he moved beneath the press and evil grin formed on her lips. As soon as Wolfsheim was clear, Celestia pulled a lever and the press descended swiftly. It came down with the sound of metal grinding against one another.

The hand on Wolfsheim’s leg released and he scooted backwards. Getting up, he turned to Celestia. “Thanks for not letting a large hydraulic press crush me.”

“Any time.” Celestia answered, smiling.

There was suddenly the groan of metal and the press was torn as a large figure emerged from beneath it. And there was the Governator, his clothes were torn in several places and his biological covering had taken some damage, but he was still alive.

“Wait,” said Wolfsheim, a skeptical look on his face, “Maybe he’s disabled.”

The Governator took of his broken sunglasses and tossed them aside. He then pulled another pair from his a pocket and put them on.

“Nope, my mistake, he’s alright. Continue running.” Wolfsheim said before booking it down the now disabled belt.

Celestia followed his example and ran down the catwalk, looking for something else to use against the cyborg.

Wolfsheim soon found himself in a new section of the turret factory, because this place could be little else. It seemed to be the munitions storage. Perhaps there was something that could be used against the Governator.

What had happened to Celestia anyway? Wolfsheim hoped she was all right. Although, he really should be more concerned for himself. Damn sense of morality.

Wolfsheim heard the telltale sound of boots on ground and swiftly made to hide. He ducked behind a rack of rockets and crouched low, daring only to peek between stacked rockets.

Looking around nervously as the Governator came into view, Wolfsheim spotted a hand-held launcher for the rockets. Moving as quietly and quickly as he could, Wolfsheim picked up the launcher and loaded a rocket.

He tried to breathe quietly as the Governator searched the room, somehow knowing he was here.

The Governator allowed himself a small smile; perhaps he had been working for that nut upstairs for too long. He rounded a corner, sure that his quarry was sitting crouched.

However, there was no one there.

A whistle got his attention and he turned to see the suited man holding a rocket launcher.

“Survive this.” Wolfsheim said as he fired the weapon.

The rocket streaked forward and hit the Governator squarely in the gut. But instead of detonating, the projectile simply stuck in the cyborg’s stomach.

There was a brief moment as both stared at the rocket, and then the Governator smiled.

“Performance issues,” Wolfsheim said, chuckling nervously as the killer contraption approached. “One in five.” he said before hitting the Governator in the head with the launcher.

He the bolted as the cyborg took the launcher and loaded another rocket. As he aimed, he heard another whistle. Looking up he saw the white, horse-like female staring down at him with a smile on her face.

“Boom, bitch.” she said before a beam of light lanced downward from her horn. It hit the rocket lodged in the Governator, which detonated, along with a number of the other explosives in the area.

Wolfsheim stumbled as the shockwave hit him, but managed to regain his footing and keep running. Turning, he saw the fireball rising from where the Governator was not too long ago.

Wolfsheim stopped and leaned against a wall, happy that he was finally rid of the killer robot. And then he saw the Governator emerge from the flaming wreckage, his clothes were shredded and burnt and large sections of his metal chassis were exposed. He was dragging one leg, but he was still coming.

“Okay, that’s it. This is bullshit. What, were you made in Japan?” Wolfsheim said, breathing heavily.

But he pushed himself up and kept going, following the path as the air around him became hotter. Wolfsheim soon saw the air shimmer and could see an orange glow ahead.

Climbing some stairs, Wolfsheim saw a large vat of molten steel not far ahead. He made his way there, panting from the exertion and as the adrenalin wore off.

The Governator was not far behind and was moving far faster than one would expect. As Wolfsheim reached a metal platform just above the vat of molten steel, the Governator grabbed him and tossed his aside.

Wolfsheim landed heavily, and turned to see the psycho robot standing above him.

“It’s over, and you won’t be back.” the machine said.

“Is that really the only way we could fit your catch phrase in?” Wolfsheim asked.

The Governator shrugged, but before he could do much else, the roar of a shotgun got their attention as the mechanical assassin was stumbled. Celestia suddenly appeared, the lever-action shotgun in her hands. She worked the weapon’s action and fired again, knocking the Governator back again. She continued to fire, working her way through the magazine until the Governator was right up against the edge of the platform.

Celestia quickly was right in front of him. “You’re terminated, bitch.” she said before kicking him off the platform and into the molten metal below.

He landed feet first and began flailing as he tried vainly to escape his fate. He soon gave up and simply stood staring up at the two. An arm rose up as he sank to his shoulders. His head soon disappeared beneath the molten surface, only the extended arm remaining. Just before it too sank, the fingers clenched, save for the middle one.

“Did he just flip us off? He did!” Wolfsheim said, sitting up.

“Let’s get out of here.” Celestia said, helping him to his feet.

The two searched for a short while before finding an avenue of escape, racing down hallways and upstairs until they made it to a place where Wolfsheim’s cane would work. A stamp on the ground later and they were away.

******

“You did what?!” Nightmare-Moon roared.

“I kept them for testing.” Glados answered calmly.

“And when were you going to inform us when?”

“When I decided it was necessary.”

Nightmare-Moon clenched her hands in frustration. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

“I have done what I was designed to do. Which is oversee testing.”

Nightmare-Moon growled. “You deliberately denied us what we seek. But what baffles us the most is the fact you put the people we sent you though your damned death course!”

Glados shrugged. “You said I was to use them as I saw fit.”

Nightmare-Moon was silent for a while, looking away from Glados. She then suddenly spoke. “Don’t think that we do not appreciate the help you have given us,” Nightmare-Moon suddenly spun and stabbed a knife into Glados’ body.  “But we believe our partnership is at an end.”

The AI’s biological construct body stumbled as she looked at the knife with confusion. She stumbled back a step before Nightmare-Moon, with an irritated grunt, kicked her backwards.

Glados backpedaled as she tried to keep her balance, only to find air beneath her feet. As she fell, Glados felt heat and saw fire. All she could think was: Fuck, not again.

Nightmare-Moon didn’t bother watching the psychotic screwball crash and burn, preferring to begin leaving the forsaken facility as soon as possible. She had work to do.

If she couldn’t find her sister, she would let her sister find her.

End of Act Two

Act Three

Act Three

Wolfsheim grunted as he pushed the door open. Sunlight streamed into the interior of the shack, highlighting the dust stirred by the sudden change in air pressure as the door opened. (Not that the interior was pressurized, it was - you get it.)

He descended the steps and motioned for Celestia to follow. The inside of the shack was dim and dusty, with not much more than a few tables scattered about.

“So, what’s in here again?” Celestia asked.

“Well,” Wolfsheim said as he ran his hands over the walls. “When one is in my line of, perhaps it could be called work, one tends to stash things about just in case.”

“This is your safe house?”

“One of mine.”

“But it’s empty.”

Wolfsheim did not reply as he ran his hands underneath a table. With a low sound of triumph, he paused at a particular spot and a subdued click was heard. Suddenly panels in the floor slid back to reveal glass cases holding a variety of weaponry. A few other cases held ammunition and some explosives.

“Never can remember where I put the damn switches.” Wolfsheim said, looking around.

Celestia’s mouth was open in awe. “This is your safe house?”

“Didn’t you say that already?”

Celestia blushed. “Alright, I admit it, I was too quick in judgment.” she began to go about the safe house, peering inside each case. “So, what have we got to work with?”

“Oh, lots of things. Pistols, rifles, submachine-guns, assault weapons, shotgun, explosives, knives, swords. Pretty much everything but a kitchen sink.” Wolfsheim paused. “Come to think of it, I should install a sink in here, just as a precaution.”

Celestia nodded as she peered into a weapons case. A pair of silver-colored pistols caught her eye. Extracting them from their home, the sun-goddess turned them over in her hands.

They were shaped like Beretta 92s, but the barrels were a different size. Closer inspection told one that the weapon was chambered in .357 magnum rounds.

Celestia felt a smile on her face. “My little magnums.” she said, chuckling.

“Hm?” Wolfsheim said from the other side of the room.

“Nothing.” Celestia said, tucking the weapons into her belt.

“Here.” Wolfsheim said, tossing Celestia a harness and vest. “Body armor and a combat harness. Just strap on holsters.”

Celestia nodded and put on the equipment, finding and attaching holsters for her pistols. Meanwhile, Wolfsheim was tucking several guns into holsters that didn’t seem to be there before. He then pulled a pump-action shotgun from one of the cases.

“Alright, it’s high time we start really fighting back.” he said, setting the shotgun down as he pulled the black Desert Eagle from its shoulder holster and reloaded it.

Celestia looked at Wolfsheim in confusion. “Wait, you still have that?”

“Yeah.”

“I thought Glados had taken all of our things away during the tests.”

“She did.”

“And you got it back when we found her chamber.”

“Yes.”

“And you didn’t think to use it against her, or the homicidal cyborg.”

“Yep.” Wolfsheim answered, re-holstering the gun. He then looked at Celestia. “Something wrong?”

Celestia sighed and shook her head. “Nope, nothing at all.” she paused and then said, “You know, going after Nightmare-Moon is a near guaranteed suicide mission.”

“And?” asked Wolfsheim, a cocky smile on his face.

“And…” Celestia let her voice drop to a huskier tone. “Shouldn’t we take our opportunity?”

Wolfsheim seemed to think. “Well, I could call for back up, but the best I could do would probably be a bad idea.”

Celestia groaned and allowed her voice to return to normal. “Yeah, I suppose you would know. Any transportation around?”

“I’ve got something not far from here.” Wolfsheim beckoned and left the safe house.

Celestia sighed again as she shouldered the additional weapons she had gathered. “I swear, the only way I could through to him would be to strip naked and cover myself in, I don’t know, pudding.” she paused and though about it. “Mmm, pudding.”

******

Nightmare-Moon lounged on her throne. Well, it’s not really a throne, she thought irritably. But, after we’ve dealt with our sister and that rather attractive man in the suit jacket, we’ll have a real throne to lounge on.

Nightmare-Moon then though about what she had just thought. (Yo Dawg, we heard you like thinking.)

Why the hell did we label the human attractive? Well, he did have a certain quality that appealed to us. Can’t exactly place it though. Oh, what we wouldn’t do to have five minutes alone with him. We mean our sister! So we can take the throne! …And then he can take us - NO! Bad brain! Focus on taking control, then we can think about sexy time. …Mmm, sexy time…

As Nightmare-Moon’s thoughts continued, she failed to notice a proximity alert going off.

*******

“Stop-” Thunk! “-fricking-” Thunk! “-going-” Thunk! “-off!” Wolfsheim hit the small box protruding from the ground with the butt of his shotgun again.

The thing was controlling the proximity alarm, which he and Celestia had accidentally set off. So far, a number of hits had failed to shut the thing off. Gritting his teeth, Wolfsheim pulled one of his pistols from inside his jacket.

“Wolfsheim…” Celestia began, before her voice was drowned out by several gunshots.

When the brass shells had settled, the box sported several bullet holes, but was still running the alarm.

Wolfsheim glared at the box. “That’s it, I’m blowing it up.” he said as he reached for a grenade.

“Wolfsheim.” Celestia said more forcefully.

“Yes?” he asked, turning to her.

The sun-goddess bent down and opened a panel on the side of the box. She then reached inside and flipped a switch. The alarm cut out immediately.

Wolfsheim looked at Celestia sheepishly as she stood up. “Heh, who would have thought that was there?”

Celestia shook her head, smiling. “Yes, who would have.” the smile dropped from her face as she looked upwards and regarded the structure above them. “Nightmare-Moon always did have an extravagant taste.”

Wolfsheim and Celestia were standing on a sandy beach at twilight, a massive cliff rising above them. Built on top of, into the upper side, and one could assume inside as well was Nightmare-Moon’s base of operations. A far cry from the ruins from before, this place was more like and armored compound than anything else. From here they could make out a concrete wall easily twenty feet high complete with guard towers that rose up another twenty feet. Metal platforms and ladders hugged the side of the cliff, going from the bottom of the wall to about halfway down the cliff. From here they could see mounted guns scattered about the platforms and at least two in every tower. Extravagant indeed.

“Good thing there isn’t anyone manning their posts.” Wolfsheim said, scanning the cliffs.

They would get an eyeful if they were. Sure, Wolfsheim was just wearing his usual white suit jacket outfit, but Celestia? The goddess of the sun was decked out in a brown tank-top and cargo pants. She wore a Kevlar vest and combat harness over it. On the harness were several extra magazines for her assault rifle that was currently slung over her back and several grenades. Her pistols her in holsters at her waist along with a few spare magazines for them as well.

“Yeah, but shouldn’t someone have heard the alarm?” Celestia looked around suspiciously.

Wolfsheim glanced to his left. “There’s a path that leads up the cliff side over there. If they know about it then it’ll be booby-trapped, but I don’t think there’s another way to get up there.”

“Unless I could fly.” Celestia snorted.

Wolfsheim shrugged. “Hey, don’t blame me, blame the narrator.”

(Oh sure, blame the narrator, it’s not as if he has the power do as he pleases. Wait, yes I do.)

“Side path it is.” Celestia said, trotting over to the place Wolfsheim had identified.

The path was a series of switchbacks that ran up the side of the cliff and went forward along the cliff face until it was over water. Wolfsheim and Celestia climbed higher and higher until they ran out of path. The path ended abruptly just a foot or so beneath the base of the wall, near a guard tower.

Celestia opened her mouth to voice her frustrations when Wolfsheim made a movement with his hand, indicating she should be quiet. She clamped her jaw shut as Wolfsheim pointed up at a humanoid figure dressed in dark, modern armor and a gasmask that had just walked out onto the grate-like metal walkway that surrounded each tower’s cabin.

Wolfsheim reached into his jacket and pulled out a strange looking metal thing. But two arcs in the front snapped open and Celestia could see it was a crossbow. Wolfsheim pulled out a stock and then shouldered the weapon.

A deep but soft twang sounded as the crossbow fired. The unfortunate guard was hit in the head and fell over the railing, flipping end over end to splash distantly in the waters below.

Wolfsheim reloaded the crossbow with a bolt that had a cable trailing from the end. He fired it at the guard tower’s roof, the bolt embedding itself in the stone. He then used another bolt to anchor the other end securely to the rock face.

“Ladies first.” Wolfsheim said, gesturing to the cable.

Celestia rolled her eyes and began shimmying up the cable. She soon reached the guard tower and pulled herself up onto the platform. She turned to help up Wolfsheim, but couldn’t see him.

“I’m right here.” Wolfsheim said from behind Celestia.

She turned to see Wolfsheim sitting on the guard tower’s roof. “How…”

Wolfsheim shrugged. “Magic.”

Celestia opened her mouth to question him further, but decided not to bother. She closed her mouth and scanned the compound from her vantage point in the guard tower. As far as she could tell, the place was deserted.

She turned to Wolfsheim, who was busy taking apart the mounted guns inside the tower. “What do you think?”

“It must be near time for a shift change, everyone’s inside.”

Celestia nodded and then quietly jumped down to the ground, landing with a soft thump. Wolfsheim tried to do the same, but just ended up crashing on the ground. Luckily though, he somehow managed to do so quietly,

He quickly got up and brushed himself off; looking around to make sure no one saw him do that.

Celestia sighed. “You finished?”

Wolfsheim shrugged. “Hey, we can’t let this get too serious.”

Celestia shook her head. “Fine. Are you ready?”

Wolfsheim checked his shotgun and nodded. “Let the senseless slaughter of mooks begin.”

Celestia pulled the bolt on her assault rifle in an amazingly badass manner. Wolfsheim, of course, ruined the moment by whistling.

Celestia glared at him and then just shook her head.

The two approached the two double doors, both holding their weapons in ready positions and wearing stern expressions. They hardly broke stride as they simultaneously raised legs to kick in the door.

*Bang!*

“Ow, ow, ow, ow!”

However, they seemed to have missed the ‘pull’ sign.

There was a sudden hail of gunfire from within the building. However, it would seem that the armed henchmen (And women, we are equal opportunities here) had forgotten that the doors were armored. The chorus of bullet ricochets, curses, and yells of pain brought a borderline sociopathic grin to Celestia’s face. Wolfsheim looked at her uneasily.

The doors suddenly were thrown open as two guards ran out. But before they could do much of anything, they were put down by a shotgun blast and burst from an assault rifle respectively.

The dimension hopper and the princess-turned-badass charged into the room, gunning down those that dared oppose them. The inside was like a mess hall, probably was, if one were to think about it.

However, as they exited the mess hall, the stark contrast of the next room startled them. The mess hall was mundane and ordinary, this new room was made of concrete and blue metal, a rack housing several advanced looking assault rifles.

Examining one of the rifles, Wolfsheim said, “Interesting, this says that it is a ‘standard issue Overwatch pulse rifle’. Heh, the last time I heard that…” Wolfsheim trailed off as his brain processed. “Ah hell, this either means I have to fight Combine or Xenomorphs. Headcrabs or Facehuggers.”

Celestia looked at her companion, confused. “What are you talking about?”

“Never mind, unless you see some sort of tan-brown little thing scampering around, in which case please mention it. Oh, and don’t let them got on your head or face.”

“Okay.” Celestia said slowly. This whole ordeal was starting to take a toll on her sanity. Wait, starting?

Wolfsheim opened the next door and they made their way down a hallway with a black and white tiled floor. And ceiling. And walls. Wolfsheim couldn’t help but hum the Twilight Zone theme.

However, after they had gone through the hallway and through another door, Wolfsheim wondered if the theme was strangely appropriate.

They were now on a platform overlooking a large warehouse-like room. On the floor below, a few dozen of the gas-masked soldiers over-watched scores of large, black, familiar looking Xenomorphs march towards armored personnel carriers.

“So, I guess Nightmare-Moon has moved from simply taking over Equestria to purging it and starting anew.” Wolfsheim said grimly.

Celestia stared at the creatures below. “What are they? What is she planning to do?”

“The gasmasks are trans-human Combine soldiers. The black things are called Xenomorphs, nasty pieces of work, acid for blood.”

“Seriously?”

Wolfsheim nodded. “Luckily, it would seem that they currently lack any face huggers. But, that will change if any of the Aliens grown into a Queen. And no, they don’t have princesses.”

Celestia looked at Wolfsheim in confusion. “I wasn’t going to ask.”

“I wasn’t talking to you.”

“Oh.” Maybe it’s not my sanity I should be concerned with. Aloud, the sun-goddess said, “So, how are we going to deal with them?”

“Well, we could go down there and shoot them all to death.” Wolfsheim grinned and took off his hat. “Or we could just use the Holy Hand-Grenade.”

Wolfsheim reached into his hat, but before he could extract the blessed artifact, a voice cut through the air.

“Oh, no need for that now.”

Looking up, Wolfsheim and Celestia saw Nightmare-Moon standing on a platform higher up. Before either could say anything, a lasso of dark-blue magic shot forth form the fallen princess and wrapped itself around Wolfsheim.

“Yoink!” cried Nightmare-Moon triumphantly, her magic yanking Wolfsheim up and into her waiting arms.

“Hey!” Wolfsheim and Celestia cried in unison.

“Sorry Sister-Dear, but we have pressing matters to attend to. But fear not! We shall leave you in the very capable hands of our subordinates. Or claws, as it were.” A beam of magic shot from Nightmare-Moon’s horn and hit the platform, causing it to come loose of its supports. “Ta-la, Sister-Dear!”

And the goddess of the moon disappeared in a flash of magic and echoing laughter.

“You motherfu- whoa!” shouted Celestia as the platform shifted beneath her hooves.

With the sound of tortured metal, the platform ripped free of its supports and slid down the slopping wall with a shower of sparks and the shriek of metal on metal.

This, quite obviously, attracted the Combine and Xenomorphs’ attention.

Celestia coughed and waved a hand in front of her face to clear away the dust the impact had generated. Upon seeing her foes approaching her, the goddess of the Sun voiced a very appropriate sentiment.

“Oh shit.”

However, Celestia then remembered that her sister, her little sister, had quite recently dropped her into this situation. And that the bitch had stolen her new best friend. And she had a fully automatic rifle chambered in 7.62mm ammunition.

Let’s just say the next thirty seconds were filled with lead.

Celestia reloaded her rifle and then noticed Wolfsheim's shotgun laying next to her. She slung her rifle over her back and picked up the scattergun, pumping it in a particularly badass manner.

She also managed to catch the unused shell she had just ejected and put it back in the weapon. Whew, that was close. Almost looked like an idiot there.

The princess of the day began walking forward with powerful strides, stepping over fallen soldiers and avoiding puddles of acid. She saw a gas masked soldier pop out from behind an APC with a grenade in his hands. A quick blast from the shotgun put him down.

However, the blast had not killed him. As the soldier struggled to get up, he noticed the pin of the grenade was on his finger.

Celestia hardly blinked as the APC’s back end was lifted by an explosion, nor did she pay any heed to the black smoke that billowed from hit.

A Xenomorph suddenly leapt out of nowhere and landed in front of Celestia. The Alien roared, tail flailing behind it. Celestia growled at it. The Xenomorph seemed stunned, but quickly opened its jaws to roar again.

An unimpressed Celestia shoved the barrel of the shotgun in the creature’s mouth. “Eat this, bitch.”

The shotgun roared and the back of the Xenomorph exploded outwards, the acid conveniently hit a Combine soldier that had run up behind the alien.

Celestia quickly pulled the shotgun back lest it be damaged by the Xenomorph’s acidic blood. She pumped it again fired it towards another Alien creature as it leapt through the black smoke pouring out of the APC.

Several more of the creatures began climbing over the vehicle, hissing threateningly. Aiming downwards, Celestia put the remaining shells in the gun’s tube into the general location of the APC’s gas tank.

It had the desired effect. The fireball started somewhere inside the transport and rapidly expanded, consuming the vehicle and lifting it a dozen feet into the air.

Celestia unsung her assault rifle and charged towards the nearest APC. She took cover behind it and peeked out to get a view of any targets. She ducked back as a few soldiers fired upon her.

Seeing another APC across from her, Celestia made a break of cover, firing at her foes. Taking cover again, Celestia steadied her breathing as she crouched low.

Peeking underneath the transport, Celestia saw a few pairs of boots approaching her position. She dropped low and emptied her magazine from beneath the APC. Many Combine soldiers fell over when rifle rounds shattered their ankles and were dispatched by subsequent shots to their torsos. A few managed to scamper back to cover.

Celestia peeked out from cover again and ducked back as a light machine-gun nearly took her head off.

Cursing, Celestia contemplated how to deal with it. Ideally, she could always use the bulletproof Wolfsheim as a distraction. But seeing as how he wasn’t there, she would have to improvise.

The sun goddess turned her attention to the thing she was using as cover. The APC’s armor certainly seemed to be holding up the enemy’s fire. If she could get inside, she could simply use the vehicle as a battering ram.

Celestia slowly crept to the other side of the APC and peeked around the corner. Seeing no one, she edged along the vehicle, aware of the bursts of machinegun fire that pounded into the APC’s side.

She soon reached the cab, but found the door locked.

“Oh, you are bucking kidding me, right?” Celestia asked the door.

The door didn’t answer.

Shaking her head, Celestia slung her rifle over her back and leaned in to examine the lock on the door. She supposed she could pick it. You know, if she had anything to pick it with and actual knowledge of lock-picking.

Still contemplating what to do, Celestia heard a deep hiss and turned to see another Xenomorph looming over her.

“Excuse me, I’m kind of busy here.” she said irritably.

This seemed to confuse the Xenomorph, which worked perfectly for Celestia. She grabbed the Alien behind the jaw and slammed its head into the door. She pulled her right pistol from its holster and shoved it next to her hand, blowing a hole through the Xenomorph.

The creature screeched and its tail whipped around, trying to impale Celestia. She dodged it and caught part of under her hoof. She aimed the pistol downward, put several rounds into the tail, and then put the rest of the magazine through the Xenomorph’s quite honestly phallic head.

(Seriously, go back and watch Alien. Its head is very phallic.)

The creature gave a gurgling screech and died. But it had served its purpose. The Xenomorph’s acid blood had corroded the door and it was simple for Celestia to clear away the ruined metal.

Celestia reloaded her pistol and clamored into the cab, keeping low so as to avoid being seen. She found the key in the ignition and turned it, the sound of the sound of the vehicle’s engine unheard over the sound of the machine-gun.

Celestia waited while she listened to the gunner’s firing pattern. At a break that had lasted long enough to be a reload, Celestia popped up and floored it. The APC lurched forward and gathered speed, barreling towards the dumfounded Combine soldiers. They were not quick enough to get out of the way and were crushed underneath the armored transport’s huge tires.

Celestia kept the vehicle going and crashed it into another of its kind, near a door. Celestia found a door between the two front seats and got through it using the key. She found herself in the troop compartment and found a ladder up into a gun turret.

She got herself into the turret and saw many Xenomorphs loping towards her. She grabbed the controls for the turret and began firing, cutting down Xenomorphs like so many blades of grass.

Xenomorphs cried out dying screeches as bullets tore through them and their acid blood spill over the floor. But, there was just so many. Like an advancing wall of fire, Celestia could only slow their advance and she only had so much ammo for the turret.

She suddenly saw an end to the Xenomorphs’ numbers and saw the last few slowing their advance, reluctant to be killed as well. And the turret suddenly ran dry.

Bolstered by the turret’s sudden silence, the half-dozen or so remaining Xenomorphs increased their speed. The closest leapt towards Celestia with a screeching roar, only to suddenly land on the turret’s twin barrels.

The air was filled with a horrid acidic smell as superheated metal came in contact alien flesh. The Xenomorph screeched in pain as the barrels burned its body. The other creatures were deterred, believing the turret may still be functional.

They slowed and circled as their comrade died on the turrets barrels, waiting as its blood rendered the gun inoperable. As the body slumped off the turret and fell to the ground the Xenomorphs leapt onto the ACP and quickly scurried down the gunner hole.

They expected to find trapped prey. What they did find were several round objects that admitted a high-pitched whine.

To date no one is sure if the Xenomorphs have any conventional language or what any of it sounds like. However, I do believe that the Xenomorphic equivalent of ‘Oh shit!’ was said just then.

The inside of the APC was abruptly filled with fire, shrapnel, bits of Xenomorphic flesh and bone, and acid. Which somehow caused the APC to explode as well. This explosiveness appeared to have spread to the other transport, as it too was feeding its mass into the increasingly large fireball.

Celestia paid no mind to massive explosion as she walked through the door near where she had crashed the APC, her rifle up and ready, rainbow-colored hair waving from some freak breeze.

********

Nightmare-Moon was giggling like a filly on Hearth’s Warming day and she didn’t care in the slightest.

Her, snicker, ‘inner sanctum’ as she called it, was a large circular room with several tables holding various objects scattered about. There were two large bookshelves flanking the door that led to the rest of her base. Beyond these, there were actually no walls, only slightly higher than waist-high stone walls keeping one from falling into a swirling abyss. It was anyone’s guess if there was actually a drop or it was purely a pleasing to look at illusion. At the back of her lair was a short set of stone steps that lead to an obelisk.

Chained to said obelisk, was none other than Wolfsheim.

“You keep giggling like that and people will think your insane.” he said.

“As if we cared.” Nightmare-Moon snorted.

“What? Oh, I wasn’t talking to you.”

Nightmare-Moon got a peculiar look on her face as she stared at Wolfsheim. She then shook her head and moved back to the center of the room.

“I’ll admit I’m curious.” Wolfsheim said from the obelisk. “Why did you grab me and not Celestia?”

“We want your magical rod.” Nightmare-Moon said simply.

“My what?”

“The cane, idiot.” The moon goddess said irritably. “It quite obviously has a very large power supply and we are sure it shall be simple to bend it to my will. We believe it will be far more gratifying to rule over all of creation rather than a single country.”

A sly smile then crept over Nightmare-Moon’s face. “Although, while we’re on the subject…”

She began to saunter over to Wolfsheim. He became very uneasy as she came right up to where he was chained.

“We’ll admit, we just might have a few… heh, ulterior motives in grabbing you.”

“Is it an excuse for the fan-girls to see me in chains?”

“Perhaps…” she whispered in a voice like silk, tracing a finger down his chest.

Wolfsheim squirmed as Nightmare-Moon invaded his personal space.

“Come now, resistance only makes us hotter.” she said, smiling.

“You’re just, uh, not my type?” Wolfsheim said nervously.

“You mean you aren’t attracted to a girl with big tracts of land?” she was grinning now.

“I, uh, have a headache?”

Nightmare-Moon leaned back and a small burst of magic went from her horn to Wolfsheim. “Not anymore.” She said in a singsong voice.

“I’m not really in the mood.” Nearly sweating now.

“Would you be if we did something suggestive with this banana?” she asked, holding up the fruit in question.

Wolfsheim pursed his lips. “… Yes, but that’s not the point.”

Nightmare-Moon giggled and was likely about to say something even more suggestive, but she was cut off by a very loud explosion that shattered the door to her lair into scores upon scores of splinters. Good thing Wolfsheim and Nightmare-Moon were at the far end of the chamber, or they might have been injured by said fragments.

Through the now empty doorway walked a slightly singed and very miffed Princess Celestia, holding her assault rifle by its pistol grip down by her side. Her armored vest was pocket-marked and chipped, her clothes torn and singed as well. And her hair was a mess.

Perhaps miffed isn’t strong enough a word.

“Damn.” said Wolfsheim, staring at Celestia.

“Sister.” Celestia growled, staring daggers at Nightmare-Moon. “I believe you and I are about to have a very serious discussion.”

Surprisingly, despite a stare that could quite possibly reduce any mere mortal to tears or ashes, Nightmare-Moon laughed.

“Really now, Sister-Dear? What are you going to do? Shoot us?”

Celestia hand tightened on her weapon. “I was thinking about it.”

“Were you?” Nightmare-Moon continued to smile. “You must have fought your way through all of our minions to get here. You must be running low on ammo by now.”

“Sure, I’ve got maybe half a mag. Still need only one to take you down.”

“Really now, Sister-Dear? You would shoot us where we stand? Which happens to be right in front of your beloved?”

“Uh, we’re not actually-” Wolfsheim began, only to be ignored.

“He’s bullet proof.” Celestia said with a smile. Nightmare-Moon’s faltered slightly.

“Well, yes I technically am bullet proof.” Wolfsheim said. “But it’ll still hurt-”

He was cut off as Celestia opened up on Nightmare-Moon, who dodged to the side. Wolfsheim yelled out.

“Son of a bitch! What did I just tell you?!”

Celestia began walking backwards and Nightmare-Moon took cover behind a conveniently placed slab of stone. Nightmare-Moon was right; she was very low on ammo. Perhaps she could run back and find a weapon on one of the many henchpersons she had slayed.

Before she could though, a metal wall suddenly slid down over the hole where the door used to be with a resounding crash. Celestia looked over her shoulder in shock, which gave Nightmare-Moon enough time to get up.

“In retrospect, perhaps we should have done that earlier.” Nightmare-Moon said.

Celestia spun back around and pointed her rifle at her fallen sister. Surprisingly, or not given her believed state of sanity, Nightmare-Moon laughed.

“What’s so funny?” Celestia asked. “What makes you think I won’t shoot you right now?”

“Honor, Sister-Dear.” Nightmare-Moon said simply as she brandished a sword. “Single-combat, no guns.”

As if to show she was willing to play fair, Nightmare-Moon reached into her belt and withdrew her pistol. She ejected the magazine and tossed to weapon aside.

Frowning, Celestia pointed her rifle up and to the side, holding it by the pistol grip as she shot out the last two rounds. Tossing the weapon away, Celestia moved to take off her harness and vest.

As the equipment came away, Nightmare-Moon leapt through the air, intent on cutting Celestia in two. The sun goddess managed to dodge away, her sister’s blade only scoring a cut on the floor below, throwing up a shower of sparks as well.

Celestia ducked as Nightmare-Moon took a swipe at her head and punched the fallen goddess in the stomach. The breath rushed from Nightmare-Moon’s lungs in a low ‘woof’ and she crumpled to the floor.

Meanwhile, Wolfsheim had discovered a positive side to having been shot. It would seem that on of Celestia’s bullets had hit the manacle that had been keeping his left arm pinned.

Taking advantage of this, he pulled his left arm free and quickly undid the manacle holding his right arm. However, he had neglected thoroughly think through this, as there was nothing between his feet and the ground. Granted it was just a two-foot drop, but still.

Wolfsheim picked himself up and quickly tended to his manacled legs. Meanwhile, Celestia was still dodging Nightmare-Moon, who was hell-bent on removing her head from her shoulders.

As Celestia managed to get Nightmare-Moon to get her sword stuck in a table, she head Wolfsheim shout to her.

“Celestia, catch!”

She turned her head and managed to snag out of the air the blade Wolfsheim had tossed.

“Thanks!” Celestia called back.

Wolfsheim nodded. “And now to take back my cane.” he said to himself, turning towards the table that held said object.

“Stay out of this!” Nightmare-Moon shouted as she wrenched her sword free. A burst of magic suddenly shot out from her horn and flew towards Wolfsheim. The magic formed itself into black chains that glowed with a dark-blue light, which caught Wolfsheim and slammed him back into the obelisk, quickly wrapping around him.

“But I’m not into bondage!” cried Wolfsheim.

“Quiet!” barked Nightmare-Moon as she turned her gaze back to Celestia. “This is just between us and our sister.”

“Why, Sister?” Celestia growled as she and Nightmare-Moon slowly circled each other. “Why all of this?”

“Lover’s Quarrel.” Nightmare-Moon said as her horn and eyes began to glow with power.

“With who?” Celestia demanded as her horn and eyes began to glow as well.

“Everyone.”

“Everyone?”

“Eve-ry-one!” Nightmare-Moon shouted as the glow of power spread to her right arm. “They loved you and your precious Sun so much they had none left for us and our beloved Moon!”

“That’s insane!” Celestia counter as her magic too went down her arm.

“Is it? Is it?” Nightmare-Moon was practically doming at the mouth as dark energy crackled over her hand and sword. “IS IT?”

She leapt through the air, bringing her blade in an overhead slash down on Celestia. However, the sun goddess managed to charge her own weapon in time to bring it up to block her sister’s blade. If she hadn’t mirrored her sister’s actions, the fallen princess’s blade would have likely cut her hers and her body in half. Instead, the two weapons met with a resounding clash and burst of magical lightning.

Celestia shoved Nightmare-Moon back and out of the blade lock. She stumbled slightly and came back at Celestia with rage born of a thousand year imprisonment.

Blades met and disengaged with blasts of power as the two living goddesses battled. The slashed, stabbed, hacked, and many other associated words, soon panting under the strain of keeping up their magic.

“What’s the matter, getting tired?” Nightmare-Moon asked as the two blades became locked again and hers and Celestia’s faces were inches apart.

“Hardly.” Celestia snarled.

Nightmare-Moon face suddenly twisted from snarling to grinning madly. “Have we ever told you how attractive you look went you’re straining yourself?”

That threw Celestia for a moment, but she quickly shook it off and struggled against Nightmare-Moon’s strength. The two were an even match and Celestia soon disengaged from the blade lock, unable to take having her fallen sister’s grinning visage so close.

The two began slowly circling each other. Celestia had a grim look on her face while Nightmare-Moon was still grinning madly. It was really starting to get to Celestia now, that grin. It seemed as though her sister had suddenly snapped, her mind no longer able to take the strain.

And it suddenly occurred to Celestia that this was her fault. She’d driven her sister to madness, not by banishing her, but by fighting against her now, like this.

Oh Luna, what is going through your mind right now? It’s me, isn’t it? I never stormed a castle for you, even if there was no castle to storm. I’m so sorry Lulu, so sorry.

“I’m sorry.” Celestia said aloud.

“About what, Sister-Dear?”

Celestia shook her head sadly. “It’s my fault, I did this to you.”

“Then perhaps you can make up for it by doing other things to us. Mmm, hot, sexy things, yes?” Nightmare-Moon giggled. “Perhaps this really is a lover’s quarrel.”

“Luna, please.” Celestia said, hoping to snap her sister out of it. “Stop messing around like this. Come back to me.”

“We’re right here, Sister-Dear.” Nightmare-Moon giggled madly again. “Just say the word and we’re all yours.”

Celestia closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them, they were hard. “I want to talk to my sister.”

“You are.”

“No, I want to talk to my sister. I want to talk to Luna, not some hack parading around like she is her.”

The grin on Nightmare-Moon’s face faltered. “What?”

“You heard me. You are not my sister. You are nothing more than a whining bitch pretending to be Luna. Now, would you do us all a favor and go jump off a cliff so we can get on with our lives.”

Nightmare-Moon’s expression became filled with rage once more. “We are the true Princess of the Night! We are the rightful ruler of Equestria! And we are extremely annoyed at how attracted we are to you right now!”

“What?”

Nightmare-Moon yelled in frustration and clutched at her head. “Why must this be so difficult? Why can we not focus?” she glared at Celestia as her body glowed with power which all was siphoned into her horn.

“Why can’t you just die?!”

A beam of pure magical energy shot forth from Nightmare-Moon’s horn. Celestia countered with a beam of her own and the two met with a shock wave that threw both princesses on their backs.

Celestia staggered to her feet, coughing from the smoke and dust thrown up by the explosion. She looked over and saw Nightmare-Moon sauntering forward through the smoke, holding something in each hand.

“An old saying comes to mind. When in doubt,” Nightmare-Moon emerged from the smoke, the handle of a leather whip in each hand. For emphasis, she cracked one. “Whip it good.” her toothy grin was borderline lecherous.

Nightmare-Moon twirled the hips in her hands, lazily flicking them a few times. Her arm suddenly shot forward and Celestia felt a sharp pain on her thigh where the whip had struck her. She winced in pain as the other whip caught her abdomen.

And then one of the whips left a cruel welt on her flank, right on her cutie mark. Celestia cried out in pain.

Nightmare-Moon laughed as she saw her enemy succumbing to her onslaught. In just a minute or two, it would hurt for her to even move and from there this fight would be foal’s play.

As she brought the whip in her right hand down to strike her foe’s head, the moon goddess was grinning. When she suddenly couldn’t bring the whip back to her, the grin vanished.

Celestia, her expression hard, held the end of the whip tightly in her hand.

“My turn.” she said, pulling hard and fast.

Nightmare-Moon was pulled off her hooves and unceremoniously slammed into the floor, her weapons falling from her hands. Getting to her feet, she snarled at Celestia.

“Never could stand letting us have all the good toys could you?” Nightmare-Moon said, her eyes glowing again.

“Stop this, Sister. Stop fighting me; stop trying to justify this madness.”

“Madness?” asked Nightmare-Moon, a maniacal glint in her eyes. “You want madness?” the glow spread to her entire body. “Then we shall show you madness!”

Nightmare-Moon sprinted forward and delivered a magically charged right hook to Celestia’s jaw. The impact might have very well broken the sun goddess’s jaw had she not managed to block it with her arm. And even with the magic reinforcing her body, the punch still rattled her teeth.

Celestia quickly followed the block with a punch to Nightmare-Moon’s abdomen. The fallen princess gritted her teeth in pain, but struck back with all the force she could muster. Celestia took the hit on her shoulder and tried to ignore the pain.

The two continued to grapple and fight for another second or two before the strain of magic and adrenalin caught up with them again. Speed of perception and the speed of their limbs slowed and they each made a desperate struggle to gain to upper hand.

Celestia managed to spin Nightmare-Moon around and trap one of her arms using one arm while using the other to put the moon goddess on a chokehold. Nightmare-Moon struggled to draw breath and used her free arm to send an elbow into Celestia’s stomach. Celestia gasped in pain, but maintained her hold.

Nightmare-Moon abruptly changed tactics. Gripping the arm around her throat, Nightmare-Moon bent her body and lifted Celestia off her feet. The sun goddess was suddenly swung over her sister’s body and slammed into the stone floor.

Nightmare-Moon gasped and stumbled backwards, hand massaging her abused throat. Meanwhile, Celestia groaned and shakily got to her feet. She stumbled and braced herself with an arm on a table.

“Come on, that all you got?” Celestia said, panting. “How do you plan on subjugating all of Equestria when you can’t even beat me? Can you even call yourself a Princess of the Night when I’m beating you like this?” Celestia put all the contempt she could muster into the next word. “Pathetic.”

Nightmare-Moon’s growl was more animal than anything else. Despite her body’s complaints, she charged forward and tackled Celestia. They two went crashing backwards and slammed into the stone wall at the edge of Nightmare-Moon’s lair.

Celestia gasped out in pain as her spine struck the stone. Nightmare-Moon was over her, Celestia put up her arms to block her adversary’s as they pressed down on her. She was partway over the wall and Nightmare-Moon seemed intent on sending her over the side and into the seemingly endless abyss.

Their faces were inches apart and Celestia could see the pain and rage in Nightmare-Moon’s eyes.

“Afraid of heights, Sister-Dear?” Nightmare-Moon snarled. “Oh, we simply cannot wait until we’ve finished you, then we can go and tell all your loyal subjects the horrendous fate that had befallen their beloved princess. We shall enjoy going in to lewd detail of how there was fear in your eyes as you abandoned them. We shall then bring out your oh so precious student and when she screams we will rend her head from her body!” Nightmare-Moon pressed harder and Celestia felt herself slipping over the edge. “Die!”

“No.” Celestia said simply as she inclined her head.

Their horns, one white as snow the other blacker than night, touched. There was a spark of magic that surged between the two. Nightmare-Moon closed her eyes briefly as the magic surged through her and then snapped them open.

She blinked a few times and quietly said, “What? What is-? No. No! What are you-” she cried out in apparent pain. “Too far, too long, so close, cannot allow-” another cry of pain. “No we won’t let you, not anymore!” she cried out again. “Get away from me! Too far, can’t let you stop this! No, no, no, no! Stop this! Damn you! Damn you all! So close. Cannot-”

She screamed.

Her head fell.

“L-Luna?” Celestia said tentatively.

The head rose, the eyes glowing with red light.

“Assuming direct con- mmph? Mmmmmph!”

Whatever she was about to say was lost as Celestia got a hand loose and used it to bring Nightmare-Moon’s face to hers. Their lips met, silencing the moon goddess. The red glow faded and looked in shock at Celestia, whose eyes were closed in apparent bliss.

They slowly pulled apart as the dark mare raised her head. “Celestia?” she said in a soft, quiet voice. “What-”

She was cut off as Celestia’s fist slammed into her cheek. Unprepared, she was thrown off the sun goddess and landed on the floor.

Chuckling, Celestia got up and off the stone wall. “Sorry there, sis. Couldn’t take any chances.”

“You - you…. You hit me!”

Celestia chuckled again. “Sorry Luna. Like I said, had to be sure.”

Luna rubbed her cheek. “Be sure of what?”

Celestia shook her head. “I’m sure it’ll come back to you.”

“What will…?” Luna got a distant look in her eyes. “Oh, no.” she whispered.

Slowly, she got to her feet and looked at Celestia. “Did, did I… all that and…?”

She suddenly tackled Celestia, bawling like a foal. “Oh Tia! I’m sorry! I’m so, so sorry!” Luna buried her head in Celestia’s mane and continued to cry.

Celestia wrapped comforting arms around Luna. “It’s alright, everything’s fine.” she whispered softly. “All is well, little sister.”

“The things I did!” Luna blubbered. “The things I said!”

“You weren’t yourself.” Celestia reassured Luna.

“I could see everything, Tia, everything! I couldn’t do a thing about it!” Luna brought her head out of Celestia’s mane. “But you… you….” Luna trailed off as she looked into Celestia’s violet eyes. “You kissed me!”

Celestia laughed. “Perhaps I did. Teehee!”

Luna groaned and rested her head on Celestia’s shoulder. “Thank you. For saving me, not kissing me. I still have to process that.”

“Take your time.” Celestia said, smiling.

Everything was silent for a time before a voice shattered it.

“Hey Celestia and Luna, I’m real happy for you and I’m gonna let you finish, but Leia kissing Luke was the most awkward kiss of all time.”

Celestia and Luna looked over at the still-chained-to-an-obelisk Wolfsheim.

“Of all time!” he said pointedly. After a pause he added, “Oh, and can you let me down? I lost the feeling in several of my extremities a while ago.”

Luna and Celestia looked at each other and both grinned.

“Sorry, but we’re a tad busy at the moment. Perhaps later, alright?” Luna said as she and Celestia turned and started towards the door, arms around shoulders.

“You’re kidding right?” Wolfsheim asked, chuckling nervously.

“Ta-la, dear!” Celestia called over her shoulder as she and Luna walked out through the smoking hole that was the door, evidently blown open earlier by a blast of magic.

“But you are kidding?” Wolfsheim called after the two sisters. “Celestia? Luna? Hey? Hey!”

***********

Glados coughed and wheezed as she drug herself out of the fiery pits. Determination fueled her limbs. That and a thirst for vengeance.

“This. Isn’t. Over.”

***********

THE END

-QUESTION MARK-

WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY

The Wraith Writer

Wolfsheim the Wraith Writer of Lore is an Original Character

All other characters are copyrighted to their respected owners.

Please to sue me

ShadowFire Productions

In association with myself

Presents

The Wraith Writer of Equestria

Later in the Royal Bedchambers

Wolfsheim laid on his side, an uneasy expression on his face. On the other side of the bed, Nightmare-Moon laid in a similar position. Each had their back to the other, neither speaking.

“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Tia!” shouted Celestia as she suddenly pooped up from underneath the covers between the two. Grabbing both other occupants of the bed, Celestia pulled them both close and giggled. “It’s good to be Princess.” she said, staring up as though at some unseen viewer.

“I feel violated.”

“Me too.”

…What?

Wolfsheim will return in:

The Wraith Writer of Who

(Or should that be whom?)