In Good Company

by PseudoFiction

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 36928

Come and meet some guardsponies from Stonewall Company... and regret it shortly after...

“When there is nothing left to do; you must set yourself on fire.”

Nopony quite knows what possessed Starswirl the Bearded to utter this odd phrase. Some theorise that it was merely a euphemism or a riddle, and means everypony has a purpose; and that if you don’t have purpose you may as well be dead. Others think it has something to do with boredom; that if you are bored you need to put in some effort to mix things up and be ‘not-bored.’

For Private Mercury of the Earth-Pony Shields Regiment and her friends – Privates Brute Force and Steel Block – this phrase always means the latter. Because what else is there for an earth-pony shield-bearer to do in times of peace other than to guard the palace? And guard duty often comes with boredom.

What better way to fight boredom than setting stuff on fire?

Rated Everyone for the lulz

Published 2013-05-02 18:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-12 21:38:00 UTC

The Inspection

The Inspection

There was a determination in her stride. A determination not shared by the captain of her guard. In honesty, while he would normally leap into danger for her, today he couldn’t help but balk. After all; what she was suggesting was madness. Insanity even. To even think of it was ludicrous.

Yet Princess Celestia was undeterred, crossing the Royal Guard barracks with a quick step, Captain Shining Armour shambling like a clumsy newborn deer by her side. It was a sight unbecoming of the good captain.

“Please, princess!” Shining Armour pleaded, stumbling on his three legs while trying to fix his helmet with the fourth – so flustered he completely forgot he was a unicorn. “You don’t have to do this!”

“I must, captain.” Princess Celestia announced in a strong voice. “It is my duty.”

“But Princess!” Shining Armour nearly whined. “It’s a suicide mission!”

Celestia stopped in her tracks, and the captain nearly crashed face first into the burning sun stamped on her flank. Her determined gaze melted like Everfree snow in the spring sun. And soon the expression was replaced with a warm smile. Turning on the spot, the brilliant white alicorn slowly shook her head looking down at the captain.

“Come now, captain.” She said as if patiently talking down a student throwing a tantrum. “It’s only an inspection. Every other regiment and respective company has undergone the same visual inspection. I would not be able to sleep thinking I’ve missed something.”

“But your highness, it… it’s just… it’s a shields regiment! They’re not that important at the moment. There’s no need to really inspect them. Besides, Stonewall Company’s record has been, eh… exemplary so far…?” even as he said it, there was a light inflexion in his voice, as if to say ‘exemplary’ wasn’t quite the right word to describe Stonewall Company.

“Captain Shining Armour, I have neglected my duty to inspect all the troops sworn to the protection of my nation for too long. It is time we did this properly. By the book.” She added with emphasis.

On the inside, Shining Armour couldn’t help but think: Oh, Buckshot is gonna love this.

And he wasn’t wrong. Heck, he couldn’t even try to be sarcastic about something like this. Royal inspections – even normal inspections – were a regulatory kind of thing. Staff Sergeant Buckshot loved regulation.

Hence, he loved inspections.

And it showed on his face as the princess and her captain of the guard approached the billets assigned to Stonewall Company of the Earth-Pony Shields Regiment. Waiting for them was Staff Sergeant Buckshot. His charcoal armour was polished to a radiant shine. His eye-patch was on straight and he had a fresh cigar pinned behind his ear – that dirty chewed up old thing he usually had lodged in his mouth was nowhere to be seen.

As Celestia and Shining Armour approached, Buckshot stomped his hooves to attention, stiffened his upper lip and pushed out his chest. But there was no hiding that happy gleam in his eyes.

“Staff Sergeant Buckshot, reporting for duty!” the earth-pony barked loudly in an official tone.

“Good afternoon, staff sergeant.” Shining Armour sighed in a defeated tone. Conjuring up a clipboard and quill, the unicorn held the writing materials in such a nervous telekinetic grip he nearly broke them in two. “Is the company prepared for an inspection?”

“Oh, heck no!” Buckshot laughed. “No, I didn’t tell ‘em a thing. Kept this inspection a surprise, so they couldn’t prepare!”

Celestia grinned, seemingly liking the idea of surprising the company with a spot-inspection.

Shining Armour on the other hoof – knowing more about Stonewall Company than the princess did – turned white… well, whiter than he normally was. "Why in Equestria would you do that?”

“Keeps ‘em on their toes.” Buckshot said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Let’s see what the fillies ‘n gentlecolts are up to, shall we?”

Twisting around, Buckshot cocked one of his rear legs with a sound very much akin to the cocking of a crossbow. And with a single definitive bang, he lashed out; his iron-clad hoof bucking the billets door open with a solid blow.

The heavy wooden door slammed open, and all three of them caught a face full of the Stonewall Company billets. The first thing that hit Princess Celestia was the noise. It was a repetitive dull thrum muffled by the door at first. But without a barrier in the way, it screeched in her ears. The crackling gramophone was letting out a series of unintelligible samples on loop, mixed with an incoherent wailing and some kind of a distorted wub-wub-wub sound.

Next was the smell. The strong odour of hoof-polish, metal and the sickly odour of over a dozen sweaty bodies packed together in an unventilated space. It was nearly dizzying.

And finally, worst of all – for Captain Shining Armour anyway – there was the sight.

The billets for Stonewall Company was a single long chamber of bare stone. Hanging in a row on the ceiling were three chandeliers giving off a magical glow. Lined on either side of the chamber were the double stacked bunk-beds and each of the guardsponies’ hoof-lockers. Some of them were shut and locked tight. Many more were open. one was even tipped on its side with the contents strewn out over the floor as one frazzled looking earth-pony desperately sifted through his things in search of something.

Drinking in the sight, unknowingly ignoring the stunned expressions on Celestia and Shining Armour’s faces; Buckshot stepped inside and took a deep breath. “Aaaah, I love the smell of un-preparedness in the late afternoon!”

Even though the door had swung open with a distinct crash, the ponies on the inside barely reacted. As if they were perfectly used to the staff sergeant bucking the door open and waltzing in with the princess in tow. Either that or they just couldn’t hear anything over the noise filling the chamber.

Regardless, it seemed the trio had barged in on Stonewall Company mid-conversation.

The largest stallion in the room sat on his bunk, the frame bent and warped out of shape thanks to the sheer weight of all his muscle packed into a single pony-body. He was half stooped over his armour laying neatly disassembled on the bed around him. Next to him was a can of oil, in one hoof a polishing rag he used to polish his armour.

“Brute, would you please turn off that racket!?” the giant earth-pony cried over the noise emanating from the single gramophone in the room. As he lifted his head to give out he nearly put a dent in the bunk mounted above his.

Directly across the room from the giant, a smaller earth-pony half-clad in armour was reading what looked like a comic-book while laid back in his bunk. Looking up to his comrade, Private Brute Force merely scowled when the noise blaring from the horn beside his bed was called a ‘racket.’

“Racket!? This is my music!” Brute Force cried over the ‘music.’

“Music? By Celestia’s sweet flanks; it sounds more like a rabid diamond dog scraping his claws over a rock!” the larger earth-pony cried before adding: “And the diamond dog has more sense of tune! That there is an aural violation!”

“Oh, you’d know all about Celestia’s sweet flanks, wouldn’t ‘ya, Blocky?” called a female voice belonging to the mare sitting on the bunk above Brute Force’s.

“Steel Block!” the enormous stallion corrected Private Mercury with an impatient grunt. “It’s Steel Block!”

Picking up on his lack of denial about the princess’ royal butt, Mercury managed an evil smile. “So you do know all ‘bout her flanks!”

At the sight, smell and sound of it all, Captain Shining Armour cringed so hard he nearly bashed his face into the floor. “Well, hehe-heh… that’s just dreadful!”

“Don’t ‘ya just love it?” Buckshot replied with an oblivious smile. Stepping further into the billets, he very suddenly raised his voice to Royal Canterlot grade. “Quit ‘yer grinnin’ ‘n drop ‘yer linen! Inspection time!” the staff sergeant bellowed over the chatter, and most importantly; over Brute Force’s musical noise. “Princess on the deck!”

What followed was a mad scramble to get straightened out.

The scatter-brained private quickly kicked his stuff under his bed and scrambled to line up beside his fellows. Several washing lines were tugged down between the bunks and thrown hap-hazardly into hoof-lockers so the princess wouldn’t have to look at dirty wares worn under their armour. Brute Force’s comic was sent flying as he jumped on his gramophone and kicked it off.

With a distinct record-scratch the full on assault on the aural senses ceased, leaving a ringing in the ears.

The only one half-organised was Private Steel Block. The giant earth-pony merely put down what he was doing, neatly jumped to the side of his fellows and stomped to attention with his chin high.

It wasn’t the prettiest sight, and it took a few moments, but the entirety of Stonewall Company stood to attention in the billets for immediate inspection. Some were un-groomed. Others only half-clad in armour.

Raising his voice again, Buckshot demanded one more thing of them before the inspection began. “Company! Sound off!”

“Hoo-ah!” came the combined cry of Stonewall Company. Each regiment, sometimes each individual company or squad had their own kind of war-cry. This one belonged to Stonewall Company. And not even Celestia could deny that when Stonewall Company came together to bellow it out, it sounded quite terrifying.

“I would like you all to meet Princess Celestia!” the sergeant proceeded to explain. “She is here for an annual inspection of the Sol Guard regiments!”

Silence for a moment… before Private Mercury opened her mouth.

“Sir! What’s an inspection, sir!?” she asked.

With a chuckle Buckshot quickly marched over and stomped to a halt in front of her. “Oh, I forgot. The only thing you know is how to be a smart-flank, Private Mercury. Had I known the princess was coming down for a visit I’d have buried you alive so I wouldn’t have to put up with your crud! I’ll have to settle for torturing you now. DROP ‘N GIMME FIFTY!” he suddenly yelled full-on in her face.

Without hesitation Mercury dropped into push-ups. Her rear legs straightened out to stand on the tips of her hooves, she balanced most of her upper-body weigh on her forelegs. Quickly she started mentally counting every time she pushed herself up from almost letting her chest settle on the floor.

Satisfied Mercury was dealt with for the time-being, Buckshot made his way back to where Celestia and Shining Armour stood a little uneasily. “Sorry, your highness. Sometimes I gotta crack the whip with these degenerates.” He explained.

“Aww, that ain’t nice, sir!” Mercury jokingly commented between huffs for breath.

“Every time you move your mouth sounds come out.” Buckshot called back to her. “It’s annoying. Tend to it!”

As Mercury zipped her mouth – but she didn’t stop grinning – the staff sergeant led on his entourage for the rest of the inspection.

As he walked down the aisle, Princess Celestia visually inspected the troops while Captain Shining Armour ticked off a plethora of boxes on his clip-board as quickly as possible; willing this inspection to just end. While moving, Buckshot randomly started pointing out the ponies and their flaws.

“Polish those hooves.” – “Get a mane-cut. You look like a hippie!” – “Straighten that collar.” – “Groom those fetlocks.”

Eventually he stopped and rounded on a corporal with a great-big bushy moustache.

“Corporal Iron Gates!” Staff Sergeant Buckshot scolded in an eerie calm – but loud – voice. “Your lip hairs are in violations of growing beyond the corners of your mouth! You are unsightly, unsanitary and in violations of the grooming standards!”

“Sir, yes sir!” Iron Gates replied; because what the heck else was he supposed to say?

“Po-lice that moo-stache!” Buckshot hammered the point home with a soft prod to the corporal’s chest before turning and moving on.

Halfway down the billets, Buckshot stopped moving again. Turning to his side he came face to face with Private Brute Force who stood staring unblinking through the staff sergeant. Turning his head, Buckshot smirked at Shining Armour.

“You wanna good bed-time story to tell your foals, captain?” he asked.

With his eyes widening, the captain quickly shook his head. “Please, for the love of Equestria, not really.”

Ignoring him – or just not hearing him thanks to his over-excitement – Buckshot turned back to the private. “Private Brute Force! How did you come to be a shield-bearer in Stonewall Company?”

Brute Force gaped. “I... uhm... got lost on my way to college... sir?”

“Bad example!” Buckshot cried out before the private could say much more. Turning on the spot he spotted the giant earth-pony on the opposite end of the aisle. “Ah, Steel Block. Private, your story is similar. Let’s hear it. Where were you born?”

“Sir! I was not born!” the brawny pony rumbled, his voice like thunder – it could almost be mistaken for the voice of a God. And not the nouvelle civilised kind of God. The gruff old kind. The angry hammer wielding kind of God. “I was forged from the clay dug out of a bomb-crater, shaped by the calloused hooves of the Ancient Creators and tempered in the fires of Tartarus! My first toy was an iron-wing! My first candy was the mother’s milk suckled from the Sun Godess’ teat!”

Recognising the reference to her, Celestia felt her cheeks burn as she raised a hoof to her mouth with surprise. “Oh my.” In all her centuries she hadn’t quite heard anypony cry that one out loud with a straight face.

Captain Shining Armour visibly cringed, nearly willing himself to just spontaneously combust.

“At the age of five I was given my armour and made to run with it across the frozen north!” Steel Block continued unfazed. “At age twelve I killed my first dragon! When I applied for the Royal Guard there was only one place they could send me! The toughest company in existence!”

Everypony else in the company shouted at the top of their lungs: “Stonewall Company!”

“Hoo-ah!” Steel Block grunted when the ringing in his ears from the combined cry had faded.

Buckshot chuckled before turning to the princess and the captain looking quite proud. “Ha-ha! You like it? It’s kind of like a company backstory we’ve been working on. Keeps them pumped when nothing’s happening.”

Princess Celestia was unable to answer; staring at the mighty stalwart stallion private with a mixture of shock and intrigue.

“It’s...” Captain Shining Armour gaped, pausing to think about what to say. “Nice?” he relented with a small smile.

Buckshot cried out with glee. “Fan-freakin’-tastic! Hearing that from you, captain; that just makes my day!” – he turned his gaze to the princess – “Would your highness be needing to see more? We can show off some shield-drills if you like!”

At the prospect of mounting up the heavy iron-wings and shield-bashing dummies for the next couple of hours in the training yard – in the rain – several of the earth-ponies lined up let out subtle groans.

“No-no!” Celestia quickly blurted out with a toothy smile when she was dragged from her trance. “That’s quite alright, Staff Sergeant Buckshot. I think I have seen... plenty.”

She had in fact seen plenty. Stonewall Company was a rag-tag company of half-disciplined, smart-flanks and dummies. But even so, it was clear to the princess they were at the very least capable. Especially since it seemed their staff sergeant loved keeping them in line so much.

Buckshot laughed in a celebratory fashion, at the same time he plunged a hoof under his chest-plate to produce his old chewed up cigar stub. Completely ignoring the fresh one pinned behind his ear, he screwed the stub back into its usual home. “Very well, your highness. Let me tell you, it’s been a pleasure. I look forward to our next inspection – sooner hopefully than later!”

Broadening her fake smile, the lean alicorn gave a slow nod. “As do I, staff sergeant.”

With that she turned and led Captain Shining Armour out of the Stonewall Company billets; constantly muttering under her breath: ‘Run-run-run-run…’

Watching them leave with a giant proud smile plastered all over his face, Staff Sergeant Buckshot heaved his shoulders with a happy sigh and glanced from side to side. Seeing his guardsponies were still at attention he gave a nod.

“Stonewall Company...” – he paused for dramatic effect mainly to see if they would pre-empt his order and further make his day – “At ease!”

Normally speaking the guardsponies would just relax their stance in preparation for the ‘dismissed’ or ‘as-you-were’ order. But instead of simply relaxing their stance, the earth-ponies all collapsed on the spot. Panting for breath having counted to her forty-ninth push up, Mercury’s armour let out a thunderous clang as she flopped over. Rolling over, Brute Force pathetically kicking at his gramophone to try and get it working again.

Steel Block practically leapt back on his bunk to scrub a speck of dirt that landed on his armour like a pony with OCD.

At the sight of it, Buckshot nearly exploded – an understandable reaction.

Meanwhile; once out in the hall, the princess and the captain took a sharp turn and practically galloped in search for the stairs that would lead them back to the upper palace.

“Well, that was interesting.” Celestia admitted with a chuckle. “Perhaps I’ll listen to you next time you advise against an inspection.”

Shining Armour sighed with relief. “We can only hope, princess.”

Even halfway across the barracks – not daring to look back as they made their escape – they could still hear Staff Sergeant Buckshot happily ranting at his troops.

“Oi, I said ‘at ease’ you dummies! I didn’t say anything about collapsing! Up! Get up! Or I might just make you do shield-drills anyway...!”

The Who-Man

The Who-Man

“I only have two questions. What the hay is that? And why is pest control in the Royal Guard quarter so lax?”

“Pffffft! That is one heck of a rat.”

Brute Force quickly held his tongue realising their voices were carrying across the Royal Guard quarter exercise yard. With a breath of relief he realised the thing they were regarding hadn’t heard them.

Were it not for the three of them, the yard would have been empty. Littered with several practice dummies, the bow-range and a plethora of steel-forged weight and exercise machines, the exercise yard was where guardsponies went to keep fit. Though during appointed meal times – like the dinner time at that very moment – it was usually empty. Ponies were usually too busy stuffing their faces like it could be their last meal to worry about calories. That kind of concern usually came after grub-time.

Privates Brute Force and Mercury had finished their food early and went to walk it off. And they had stumbled upon the third figure – a newcomer as far as they were concerned – in the exercise yard. They weren’t aware of any new cadets of late. Then again, they weren’t aware of a great many alien landings too, because that was what they saw doing sit ups in their exercise yard.

A freakin’ alien monster!

It was unlike anything they’d ever seen, and the privates had seen some freaky stuff. They’d seen flaming timberwolves, ursa majors, zombie griffins, trolls, rock ogres and many more things that could keep the bravest ponies awake at night. But this was entirely new.

Like a diamond dog, but with shorter, skinnier arms, a lot less hair and a much less predatory looking face… on second thought, the creature wasn’t quite like a diamond dog. It did seem to walk on two legs though. It’s ‘hooves’ were oddly elongated, and the forelegs weren’t used like legs at all. Those ended in hooves that had flexible looking digits kind of like the talons on a griffin. Five digits on each.

The head reminded both ponies kind of like a disfigured ape with an overbite. Small – almost freakishly small – pig-eyes, it had a stubby ridge that served as a nose. Most of the creature was bald revealing a pale-tan coloured skin with something of a pinkish hue. Though not much of the body was revealed.

Oddly enough it wore clothes, despite there being no formal event for miles. The garments looked like they were hewn together out of the typical undergarments guardsponies usually wore under their armour. The rough cloth covered the beast from the wrists up to the collar and all the way down the body to the ‘fetlocks.’ The lower hooves – the elongated ones it stood on – were wrapped in makeshift cloth and twine boots with padding on the soles.

“Do you think it’s uncomfortable, exercising in clothes?” Brute Force asked dumbly watching the alien monster sit back and perform a series of sit-ups.

“More importantly; do you think it’s dangerous?” Mercury almost squealed, prepared to run and ring some alarm bells.

As they considered the threat, they failed to realise that if the monster was indeed a monster it would be spending less time exercising in the yard and more time smashing things. Though luckily before the duo did anything stupid, Steel Block joined their entourage.

He smiled, trotting over. “What are you degenerates up to?” he joked in a heavy voice before following their frozen gazes. He too saw the alien creature and gave a nod, his smile fading. “Oh, I see.”

The trio watched the creature perform a few sit ups before Mercury broke the silence between them.

“He’s so dreamy.” She sighed out.

Brute Force coughed, wondering if he’d heard that right. “Did you just call that thing dreamy?”

“What? No! I called it freaky.” Mercury practically exclaimed.

“I heard dreamy.” Brute insisted.

Mercury violently shook her head. “I said; it’s so freaky.” She snipped impatiently. “Gah, open your freakin’ ears. How could a thing like that be dreamy?”

Letting out a gruff sigh, Steel Block quickly shook his head before correcting his fellows. “He’s not a thing. Who is a person.” The stallion explained.

Brute Force cocked an eyebrow. “Who is a person?”

“That’s what I just said.” Steel nodded.

“No-no, who is?”

“Who is.” Steel Block confirmed.

“What?”

“No, not what.” Steel Block snapped as Mercury butted in. “Who! Who the human.”

“What’s a who-man?” Brute Force asked slowly.

Steel Block sighed deeply. “No, darn it! He-is-a-human.” He enunciated slowly and clearly.

Brute Force’s frown deepened as he mulled it over. “What in Equestria is a who-man? Is that even a word?”

“No-no, Who Man is his name. Hue-man is the name of his species.” Steel Block explained like he was talking to a pair of idiots. Though for all intents and purposes, he really was talking to a pair of morons. “What we are looking at is a hue-man. He has a name, and his name is Who.”

Brute Force’s expression brightened. “Ooooooooh, now I get it!” – And suddenly he wore a sarcastic frown – “That’s not gonna get confusing at all.” Glancing between Mercury and Steel Block he added: “Where the hay did he come from?”

“I hear he died in his own world and his soul got lost.” Steel Block explained in short-hand. “Ended up above Equestria one night and Princess Luna mistook him for a shooting star. She re-materialised him by accident and now he’s stuck here.” The whole story was a bit more complicated than that, but Steel figured his friends neither wanted to know all the details, nor actually cared for them... and quite possibly lacked the brain capacity to comprehend all the details of the tale.

“That still doesn’t explain why the lanky monkey-rat baby is exercising in the Royal Guard quarter.” Mercury said before adding: “Our quarter.”

“He’s here because he’s a potential recruit with nowhere else to stay.” Steel Block said. “He’s staying in the unicorn barracks while working through Royal Guard selection.”

“He’s joining the guard?” Mercury gaped.

Brute Force made a similar expression. “Why in Equestria would he want to join the Royal Guard? He knows it’s just a bunch of guard duties, one after the other broken up by a few parades, right? He’s an alien monster! He can do anything he wants!”

Steel Block shook his head. “He’s joining the Royal Guard because he can’t do anything else.”

With a pause, Private Mercury slowly narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the giant stallion. “How do you know all this?” she asked slowly.

“I’m popular.” Steel Block said in a matter-of-factly tone. “Ponies talk to me, unlike you two nitwits. Besides, most of it I can figure out by using the simple science of deduction. Look at him. He doesn’t have wings, so a job in weather control is out of the question. Heck, he wouldn’t even be able to work at a rainbow factory because he can’t stand on clouds. Next, he doesn’t have any magic. Even with those graspers he could be a plumber or a tailor, but even still he’d quickly go out of business because unicorns have a clear advantage over his way of doing things. Finally he’s not as tough or as strong as earth-ponies, so farm work is out of the question. He’d just be run ragged and turn out more of a hindrance than help.”

“You really thought about this a lot haven’t you?” Mercury reasoned.

Brute Force on the other hand still couldn’t get over how the human wanted to voluntarily join the Royal Guard. “But why the Royal Guard?”

“Guard duty is a bunch of standing around and looking good. That is something even Who can do. That’s why he’s joining the Royal Guard.” Steel Block reasoned.

“It’s still doing a bunch of nothing.” Brute Force mumbled.

As he said it, Steel Block leaned over threateningly causing the smaller earth-pony to cringe.

“It’s better than doing nothing nothing. At least this way he’ll make a living.” Steel Block stated.

As they straightened up and watched the human flip himself over into a series of push ups, Mercury felt a new question nag her gray-matter.

“Hold on a second, why are you defending the freak of nature?” she asked bluntly.

Steel Block scowled at that comment. “He’s not a freak of nature, he’s just different. How would you feel if you were stuck in the human world as the only pony?”

Brute Force hummed thoughtfully considering how he would feel if their roles could indeed be reversed. Mercury on the other hoof was grinning faintly.

“Surrounded by those things? I’d go mad with desire.” She whispered, barely coherently.

“Mad with what?” Brute Force asked, needing a repeat of that last comment.

Mercury just twisted her face into a confused frown. “What do you mean; mad with what? I said I’d go mad.”

“Just mad?”

“Just mad.” Mercury assured before glancing oddly at her friends and shrugging. “What?”

Steel Block sighed with a roll of his eyes. “You’re both mad.”

The human switched up his training regime again. This time, every time he pushed himself up, he would hop into the air and clap his graspers together before smoothly landing and stooping low. Pausing, he would spring up again; clap; land.

“Well, whatever he is,” – Mercury sighed – “he’s practically a cadet. And in that respect I think we should go screw him.”

Brute Force scoffed, rubbing his ears vigorously since he seemed to be miss-hearing Mercury an awful lot. “Whoa, hold your horses now. What did you just say?”

“I said we should go screw with him.” Mercury re plainly.

“Oh, good. Because for a second there I thought you were suggesting we should-...”

“Don’t you degenerates have anything better to do with your time?” Steel Block interrupted.

“No, not really.” Mercury’s smile spread from ear to ear. “C’mon, Blocky! It’ll be fun. Might as well harden him for the ridicule that is waiting for him when he passes and becomes a cadet.”

Steel Block didn’t smile. In fact his expression remained deadly serious. “There are four very good reasons not to mess with Who.”

Mercury gave a bored sigh. “Oh, I sense another ‘science of deduction’ lecture. C’mon then, big-guy. Sock it to me.”

Steel Block began to explain, neatly listing off the reasons: “One; humans are omnivores. That means he’s like a griffin; eats both meat and vegetables. However, he’s living in Equestria meaning he’s forced to convert into vegetarianism quite suddenly. He’s suffered immediate culture shock and a sudden dietary change. That’s enough to make most folk quite snippy.

“Two; he died in his home world. That means he can never return. He will never see his loved ones ever again. He’s stuck in this universe until he dies... again. That realisation alone would make anypony angsty.

“Three; he’s the only one of his kind on the globe. To say he’s lonely, and thus frustrated goes without saying.

“And fou-...”

“Alright-alright,” – Mercury interrupted with a wave of her hoof – “I’ve heard enough. I don’t even need to hear reason four. So he’s an angsty, whiney little skin-monkey. I specialise in angsty, whiney little skin-monkeys.” She added with a sly smirk as she started walking over to where Who the human flipped over back into sit ups.

Steel Block gaped angrily following her. “... since when!?”

“If he wasn’t so angsty and whiney picking on him wouldn’t be fun!”

“You are a bad pony.” Brute Force chuckled. As much as his gut told him picking on the human was probably wrong, Brute Force couldn’t help himself when it came to picking on cadets. It was like tradition. There was no point giving Who any special treatment just because he was an alien freak.

Following that logic, it would be wrong for them not to pick on Who.

“Runs in the family.” Mercury answered Brute Force. “C’mon, it’s all jokes. I promise I’ll apologise if I make him cry.” She assured the towering stallion by her side.

Crossing the exercise yard, both Private Mercury and Brute Force approached the human. Steel Block, not wanting any part on picking on Who stood well back, but close enough so he could overhear. And unbeknownst to his friends, a small grin crossed the stallion’s lips.

As they approached, their hooves thudding heavily on the courtyard ground, Who spotted them. sitting up for a pause, the human wrapped his arms around his knees and caught his breath.

Mercury was the first to speak as she eyed him head to toe. “Well, you’re looking mighty fine for a dead guy.”

In response, Who immediately scoffed in an accent quite unfamiliar to the ponies. “Oh, you think I look fine, eh? Does that mean you have a fetish or are you just butt-ugly by pony standards driving you to hit on species that just don’t know any better?”

Mercury let out a confused ‘squee’ noise as her eyes widened. “Uh... w-... nothing on the dead guy comment?” she asked confused.

“Oh, so I died once. Whoop-de-friggin’-doo.” Who chuckled sarcastically. “Do you know how easy dying is compared to living? It takes a grand total of zero effort.”

Gaping, Brute Force gaped, glancing between his friend and the human. “I admit, I was expecting a little more trauma.”

That made Who laugh a little harder. “I’ll tell you what’s traumatising me right now;” he added looking at Brute. “it’s the foreign growth stuck to the front of your head... oh, wait. That’s just your face.”

Both Mercury and Brute Force blinked a few times before the mare opened her mouth again. “Something tells me he’s not as emotionally compromised as we initially suspected.”

“What gave it away? My badass dissing of you nitwits, or are you just friggin’ psychic?”

“Yeah... well... you’re... uh...” Mercury struggled to say, at a complete and total loss for words. “Weird looking!” she finally exclaimed.

Who just shook his head with disappointment before bringing his hands to his ears in preparation to resume sit-ups. “Coming from you that literally means absolutely nothing. Tell me; does it you take effort to be so freakishly butch?”

Mercury was stunned. Even Brute Force couldn’t come up with anything to say. Both of them took a step back, suspecting witch-craft. That was when it all sort of clicked into place when they heard a rumble. It sounded like the rumble of thunder at first. Turning their heads, Mercury and Brute Force saw it was in fact Steel Block; laughing as he slowly moved to join them.

“I tried to warn you.” Steel Block sighed with a sly grin. “Reason number four. Who’s a fighter. He gives as good as he gets. So if you’re taking him on, be prepared of the repercussions.”

“What about all that crud about dietary adjustment and angst and loneliness and stuff?” Brute Force exclaimed.

Steel Block laughed at that. “Do you degenerates really think Captain Shining Armour would let an alien creature with a compromised psyche even try out for the Royal Guard? What planet are you from!? Look at this guy! He’s like a rock. He’s over all that emotional hooey.”

Sitting up, Who gave a small smirk as he huffed for air. “Mostly, anyway. Would be nice to have a cheeseburger once in a while.” He added before dropping back again.

Mercury and Brute Force gaped, their only body parts moving were their eyes as they watched Who perform sit-up after sit-up. Eventually however, Brute Force found the words to match his feelings.

“We just got served, didn’t we?” he uttered with a smile.

“With a side of hay-fries.” Who interjected between sit-ups. “S’up, Steel Block?” he added before dropping back again.

“Nothing much. How’s selection going?” the stallion answered.

With a huff the human sat up and gave a slanted grin. “Pretty good.” – down, up – “My last written exam is tonight.” – down, up – “Then I move on to physicals tomorrow.” And he dropped down again.

“Neat.” Steel Block gave a confident nod. “You’ll be a Sol Guard in no time.”

Private Mercury glanced between Steel Block and Who, on the verge of screaming. “You two know each other!?” – Okay, so she screamed anyway; but she did hold-fast on the verge for a good couple of seconds – “How the hay do you two know each other!?”

“We have breakfast together every morning. Same routine for the better part of a year now.” Steel Block rumbled with a disappointed look. Disappointed because he realised his friends didn’t realise he wasn’t with them every morning. “Thanks for noticing, you guys.”

“That’s how you knew he was joining the guard, isn’t it?” Mercury dead panned after taking a few deep, cleansing breaths to purge the shock from her system. “You faked the science of deduction crud just to make us feel dumb, didn’t you?”

“It doesn’t take much to make you nitwits feel dumb, doesn’t it?” Who commented as he sat up and caught his breath. Slowly climbing to his feet, the human snatched up his towel from one of the exercise racks and gave the three ponies a wave. “I’ll catch you at breakfast tomorrow, Steel. I’mma hit the showers.”

Steel Block was the only one to wave back as Who moved briskly out of earshot. Not realising he couldn’t hear them anymore though, Mercury still called out after him.

“Can I come? I can help scrub your back.” She called a hint of allure nopony had ever heard her use before entering her voice.

“Merc!?” Brute Force exclaimed as Who disappeared from view. The pony was watching his friend as the mare actually batted her eyes at Who’s back for a fleeting moment. It was like she was possessed… or heck; perhaps replaced entirely! “Now I know I heard that properly! You just asked to join him in the shower!”

Cocking an eyebrow as her usual androgynous expression returned to normal, Mercury glanced sideways at the stallion. “Well it’s a valid question.” She stated as if it were obvious.

Brute Force seemed to take that as an answer and nodded with a slight cock of his head. It was only as Steel Block and Mercury trotted off leaving the private to ponder those words when a puzzled look crossed his face.

“W-wait… what!?”

Author's Note

Have at thee, broseph! My body is prepared for the crud-storm of imminent dislikes!

Don't fret. If Steel Block, Mercury and Brute Force could be considered the 'mane-six' of this series, then Who can be classed as a 'Derpy' or perhaps a 'Spike.' He's only going to appear where the shenanigans need him to.

The Fun Run

The Fun Run

The track was alive with stomping hooves and the sweaty bodies of mares and stallions alike. The evening air was cool as the sun dipped low behind the far off mountains. A few stars dotted the clear sky as the vague outline of the moon peeked over the far horizon as if to see if the sun was down yet. Without the blistering heat of the summer sun, it was easier for the Royal Guard with some free time to exercise.

It made a few laps around the kilometre long running track a bit more doable too. Especially for Stonewall Company, as they ran the track in full armour under Colonel Hard Candy’s supervision… or were they orders? She always blurred the line between the two.

The trampling of hooves was often interrupted by the rattle of armour as another earth-pony collapsed from fatigue – the sound quickly followed by Colonel Hard Candy chewing somepony out.

“You’re pathetic!” she screamed, trotting over to where Corporal Iron Gates fell panting for sweet oxygen like a dog. “You’re a shame to the regiment! Get your flank off the track!” her voice practically broke like that of a teenager when she screamed.

Standing back from the edge of the track, Staff Sergeant Buckshot was seen standing in a typical guard-pose. Tall, disciplined… and sighing with a disappointed shake of his head. Not disappointed that he wasn’t running the track with the other ponies. Not disappointed that Hard Candy had to resort to such deplorable means in an attempt to come across as a tough-cookie. Not disappointed that Corporal Iron Gates had dropped out of the mandatory PT run.

He was disappointed he wasn’t standing there chewing out the ponies from his beloved company. After all, somepony needed to show Hard Candy how it was done properly.

Ignoring the sight of Hard Candy continuing giving Iron Gates a hard time while he limped to where the other ponies who dropped out nursing their poor aching legs; Staff Sergeant Buckshot turned his eyes to the last three remaining runners from Stonewall Company.

It wasn’t hard to spot them.

The oval shaped track trampled into the courtyard dirt was home to a mixture of ponies. Among the dozen or so pale white Sol Guard pegasi and the night-sky blue Lunar Guard pegasi with bat-like wings; the three heavily armoured earth-ponies sort of stood out.

Their armour rattled as their bodies hauled it laboriously in a steady three-beat gait. Their breathing wheezed and rasped as they felt the sweat drool down their faces between their fur and their heavy helmets. And yet they didn’t falter, they didn’t stumble and they didn’t slow.

They kept up their canter, three of them side by side in a perfect row formation. Well… for a given value of perfect.

Brute Force was breathing hardest of the three; and yet he was still talking. “... so then I said; eat it? I already spewed it!” he managed a smile through his fatigue.

Private Mercury narrowed her eyes. “That’s disgusting.”

“That’s funny. Normally you’re the gross one.” Steel Block reasoned.

“Yeah, I’m scared too.”

“Uh, oh.” Brute Force suddenly panted, lowering his head a little as his ears pinned to the back of his helmet. “Lap over.”

Rounding the final curve of their forty-second lap they spotted Colonel Hard Candy waiting at the finish line. She wouldn’t be satisfied until they hit fifty laps, and she watched them with angry eyes; almost willing them to foul up so she’d have an excuse to shout at them.

The trio were unwilling to give her the satisfaction.

As they approached, they lifted their heads proudly, and despite the fatigue managed to push out their chests and lifted their armoured hooves higher into a proud parade-grade canter. And despite the proud display that made Staff Sergeant Buckshot beam proudly, Hard Candy turned her head to follow them with suspiciously narrowed eyes.

To add to the effect, the trio weren’t exactly silent in their passing of the finish line for the forty-second time.

“When I die please bury me deep; do not cry and do not weep!” Mercury sang between pants for breath.

As they passed by Hard Candy, Brute Force took over with: “Don’t let my momma shed a tear; just pack my box with PT gear!”

Finally, when fading off around the next bend that carried them – thankfully – away from the colonel, Steel Block rumbled out: “Don’t you worry, don’t come undone; you’ll see me in heaven on a PT run!”

Rounding the far bend, Brute Force dared a glance back to see Hard Candy turn her gaze towards some Lunar Guard sprinting past her. Letting out a breath of relief, he gave his friends a nod. Once more they slowed to a more casual jog.

“I think I’m about to spew it.” Mercury complained referring to Brute Force’s story earlier.

“Seven more laps.” Brute Force squeaked breathlessly. “We can do it… almost there…”

He didn’t get to say much more as the rapid hoof beats of a few sprinting ponies echoed inside their helmets.

“Move slow-pokes!”

“Outta the way, Sol Guard!”

“Does your mommy know you’re out here!?”

The cries behind them escalated into much more graphic mother-related jeers as a formation of pegasi galloped past the trio. As the Lunar Guard pegasi laughed and forced clouds of dust into the faces of the earth-ponies, one even shouldered past Steel Block.

Steel Block – as per his namesake – was like a block of solid steel. He was hard to move at the best of times. But even so the batty Pegasus managed to take advantage, causing the stallion to stumble and nearly face-plant the beaten ground.

“Urgh!” the trio broke out coughing as the pegasi proceeded to hover right in front of them, purposely trampling up clouds of dust in their wake. As Brute Force was consumed in a cloud of dust, he couldn’t help expend a load of energy giving out. “Beat it ‘ya degenerates! Don’t make me open up a can of flank-kicking!”

The Lunar Guard just laughed and blew raspberries as they took off into a fresh gallop.

Rounding the bend for the next lap, Mercury scowled after them. “Bunch of butt-holes!”

Spitting out a mouthful of dirt, Brute Force blinked hard a few times before looking up and commenting on something. “Hey, isn’t that Princess Celestia?”

The other two looked up and were indeed treated with the sight of the princess they were sworn to protect. And she wasn’t alone.

Princesses Celestia and her younger sister, Luna stood on a balcony walkway overlooking the courtyard home to the Royal Guard PT track. Both alicorn were the epitome of ponykind. Considered Gods of the day and night respectively, they truly had befitting stature. Taller than any pony – Steel Block included – with an elegant, slender build their manes and tales were long billowing auras of magic representing their domains. Celestia had a rainbow-esque aura filled with warm summer colours. Luna’s mane was the colour of a moonlit midnight sprawled with glittering stars.

And as if driven by their presence, Privates Mercury, Brute Force and Steel Block pushed through their next wind. Looking at each other with new motivation gleaming in their eyes, the trio nodded among themselves. They were all thinking the same thing.

“Privates,” – Hard Candy began to scold as the trio approached – “you’re starting to slow-…”

She didn’t even finish her sentence as a great cloud of dust was kicked up by the Stonewall Company trio. They broke into a fresh sprint, the ribbed metal soles on their hooves struggling to grip in the dirt with the sudden acceleration. They galloped full tilt like their worst drill instructor was breathing down their neck. They sprinted for dear life like they were under fire from enemy crossbows. They charged like they were aiming to break an enemy front-line.

“… down?” the colonel coughed as she was left for words – Buckshot whooping somewhere behind her.

The trio’s hooves beat the dirt mercilessly with a vigour that shook the ground. Their thunderous hoof-falls were heard by even the princesses who paused their conversation to look up and see what the commotion was. What they saw were a group of Lunar Guard look back with worried frowns to see a heavily armoured trio of earth-ponies assault up behind them.

A moment later, with Steel Block at the lead of their wedge formation, the earth-ponies crashed into the dark-furred pegasi. The Lunar Guards scattered like bowling-pins as several kilos of stallion flesh and muscle barrelled right through their ranks. They flapped their wings to no avail, but were unable to take off before the earth-pony knocked them down.

“Rrraaaaaaaagh, ha-ha-haaaa!” Steel Block roared with laughter, bulldozing through the Lunar Guard like they weren’t even there. “Sol Guard rule!”

Mercury let out a similar laugh, hot on Steel’s tail and galloping through the path he cleared. “Lunar Guard drool!”

“Hoo-ah!” Brute Force bellowed hopping over the broken and confused ranks of pegasi.

No longer hassled, their rivals laying confused in the dirt, the trio slowed to a trot, desperately trying to catch their breath from the short gallop. But it didn’t stop them laughing.

And they weren’t the only ponies laughing…

There were several Sol Guard unicorns watching. Many of them whistled and whooped, cheering their fellows on. The rest of Stonewall Company watching from the side-lines – though out of breath – mustered up what energy they could and jumped up, cheering for their comrades. Corporal Iron Gates was pumping a forehoof in the air while a private beside him put his hooves to his mouth and let out a deafening whistle of approval.

There was a distinct: “Hoo-ah, Stonewall Company!” shouted from above by one of the pegasi from the Pegasus Fast Recon Regiment.

There was even a laugh from the balcony overlooking the courtyard. It wasn’t such a loud laugh like from the other guardsponies. More delicate and civilised, like a motherly giggle.

Luna turned her gaze away from the gross display of masculine bravado to see her older sister was giggling at what those three uncouth stallions had done to some of her closest personal guard. Celestia quickly covered her face with her forehoof trying to straighten out her face. She failed horribly and let out a very loud snort.

“Sister! That was not funny!” Princess Luna pouted. “Somepony could have been hurt!”

Princess Celestia quickly nodded and waved her hoof over her face. “Aherm! You are right. I’m sorry, that was unprofessional and un-sisterly of me.”

The pause lasted an impressive five seconds before Princess Celestia saw Private Brute Force had backtracked and was moon-walking on all-fours between the sour looking Lunar Guard.

“Yeah!” the stallion cried whipping around and moon-walking into the opposite direction. “How do you like me now? Bring it! Bring it! Come at me, brony!”

At the sight the princess couldn’t help force out another loud snort through both her nose and pursed lips.

“Tii-aaa!” Luna whined girlishly at her sister who was practically doubled over and rolling on the floor.

Composing herself once more and smiling apologetically, Celestia shyly uttered the Stonewall Company war-cry.

“Hoo-ah?”

The Parade

The Parade

The Royal Guard Parade was an annual affair. It was a chance for everypony to see those stoic guardsponies who guarded the princesses and their palace with unflinching resolve in a different setting. Instead of seeing the silent, still and unmoving stallions and mares of the Royal Guard, the general populace would be able to see them do something a little different.

But let’s be honest. It was still just a pony-show.

However, the Canterlot Stadium was packed with ponies from all walks of life regardless. Both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna attended every year by default, standing tall in the VIP booth at the very top of the stadium. It was the only time they could be seen in public without their guardsponies flanking them.

After all, the stadium was packed with combat-ready Royal Guard anyway.

The event had started with a short but reasonably impressive Wonderbolts show as the ‘best fliers in Equestria’ – more like the ‘most overrated showoffs in Equestria’ – showed off some fancy loops and spins. Most guardsponies failed to see what made the Wonderbolts so impressive, even if the Wonderbolts were home to ex-Royal Guard pegasi. A while back they had been dispatched to deal with a dragon in Ponyville – sending show-fliers to deal with a dragon; yeah, that sounds like a good idea – an operation that had failed miserably. Now had active serving Royal Guard pegasi been dispatched the problem would have been dealt with swiftly.

And this fact was made all the more apparent when the Royal Guard Pegasus Fast Recon Regiment followed a quick show following the Wonderbolts. Alas, even though they showed off much more impressive manoeuvres in company strong formations, they had less fireworks, less wreckless stunts and less shiny lights; and thus elicited less of an applause from the crowds who had come to see.

Everypony knew it was mainly the Wonderbolts on the promotional posters for the annual parade that enticed most ponies to attend.

The Royal Guard pegasi had been followed by a few select companies of unicorns parading the stadium. There had been a few drills showing off swordsmanship, spears, bows, etcetera.

Unfortunately, earth-pony regiments had very little to show off. All three regiments, the mechanised, engineering and shields regiments just waited silently in line, standing to attention under the watchful eyes of their regimental commanders.

Colonel Hard Candy was keeping her gaze completely fixed on Stonewall Company as they stood shoulder to shoulder with the rest of the Earth-Pony Shields Regiment. All the while Archer Company from the Unicorn Ranged Infantry Regiment marched out to the central square for the final show of the day. That would make the final show for the Sol Guard before the parade resumed after sun-down for the Lunar Guard show. The unicorns would no doubt do some kind of silent-drill that blew all other drills out of the water. It was usually an impressive sight to behold.

In the midst of the still bodies of Stonewall Company however, everything was quiet… until a particular earth-pony opened his mouth.

“This is ridiculous.” The pony hissed so only his fellows including the staff sergeant could hear. “We’re warriors, sarge! Not prancer-ponies!”

Private Brute Force chuckled. “Rich coming from you, Shadow Prancer.”

“Ah, eat me!” Shadow Prancer retorted.

“Shut it, you foals!” Staff Sergeant Buckshot scowled through his cigar stub. “When the princess says prance, you prance! Now you’ll prance like a pretty filly and you’ll like it!”

“We haven’t done much prancing since we got here, sarge.” Private Brute Force stated. “We slated to actually do something?”

“We’re marching in the final fly-by for the end of the show.” Buckshot said.

Looking sideways to Steel Block, Brute Force gave a little smirk. “Isn’t the final fly-by a mandatory march for all regiments?”

“Eyes forward.” Steel hissed.

Tiredly turning his gaze forward again, he watched the unicorns from one of Archer Company’s squads stomp to a halt and twist sharply to one side, forming a single long line diagonally across the square. While they faced the princess’ booth and stood to attention all their heads smoothly cocked to one side to watch an approaching figure.

Breaking ranks from the other waiting unicorn companies was a tall figure. It stood upright on two legs and towered a good two head-heights above the sea of ponies surrounding it. The body was clad in a heavily modified version of the Royal Guard uniform. A light grey set of fatigues covered the figure, with gold coloured plates of armour laid over the top. The plates covered the chest and back, as well as the forearms and the lower legs around the boots. A helmet was perched over the head with a crest fanning like a silver Mohawk across the scalp.

Centred on Corporal Who’s chest plate was the emblem of Archer Company.

Joining the ranks of his squad, the human fluidly marched to a halt and turned sharply on his heel. As he stomped into a tight attentive posture once more, the privates from Archer Company put under his command snapped their heads up to the princesses.

As one the entourage saluted; paused; and then very slowly and smoothly lowered their saluting limbs. Not once was an order issued. The stadium was bathed in complete silence as the crowds watched Archer Company’s silent-drills pulled off with choreographed perfection.

Corporal Iron Gates immediately turned slack-jawed at the sight. He wasn’t impressed by the silent-drill, he’d seen them plenty of times before. His shock came at the sight of the human. “Holy hay! Look at that. Is that who I think it is?”

“Didn’t you guys hear?” Steel Block rumbled almost proudly. “Who passed! He’s in the Sol Guard! Unicorn Ranged Infantry Regiment”

“Who passed?” Mercury asked. “Who’s in?”

“Yes!” Steel Block confirmed.

That just deepened the mare’s frown. “Yes, what? Who are we talking about?”

“Who the human!” Steel Block stated obviously.

“Who’s the who-man?”

Realising he was being had, Steel’s eyelids sagged sarcastically. “... sunova-diamond dog. You’re doing that on purpose, aren’t you?”

Mercury smiled at how easy it was to get Steel Block worked up about his human friend. “So the big monkey is a Royal Guard now. Doesn’t mean I like him.”

“Nopony said anything about you liking him...” Steel Block glanced sideways with a pause. “And are you drooling?” he added confoundedly.

Mercury quickly wiped away the drool dribbling over her lips as she watched Corporal Who lead the perfectly silent unicorns. “No I’m not!” – glancing from side to side she noticed the whole company was staring at her, staff sergeant included – “He looks good in uniform, alright?” she finally explained defeatedly.

Noticing their volume getting a little out of control, Staff Sergeant Buckshot snapped across them before Colonel Hard Candy noticed: “Would you dunder-heads keep it down?” luckily the colonel was entranced by the silent-drills of the unicorn archers.

Brute Force softly cleared his throat. “I didn’t actually say anything.” He complained before watching Corporal Who.

The unicorns had broken out of the line. They stepped forward, stomped to a halt, then sharply turned in seemingly random directions, then stepped again. Step; stomp; turn; repeat. It was constant, each stomp like the perfectly synchronised ticking of a thousand clocks. They moved as one, but they seemingly picked their own directions. Moving as one, but moving individually. And all the time they were twirling their crossbows in magical telekinetic grips above their heads; throwing the weapons across to each other and neatly pulling them to their sides; before once again resuming the glittering display of twirling crossbows.

It was harmony and it was chaos at the exact same time.

The princesses smiled at the sight, giving impressed nods and finding themselves entranced by the display.

All throughout, Who did not move. It allowed Private Brute Force to easily spot the rank tabs affixed to the shoulders of the human’s armour.

“Are those ‘corporal’ rank-tabs?” the private asked.

Steel Block nodded. “He studied his butt off. He deserves ‘em.”

Brute Force scoffed. “He’s not even a unicorn!”

Mercury smiled at that comment. “And even still he’s more useful than you are, Brute.”

“Oh, shut up. You’re just infatuated with him.” Brute Force grumbled.

“Hey, don’t call me things I don’t know the meaning of.” The mare snorted angrily.

The complicated marching patterns of the unicorns finally ended when they smoothly formed their line facing the princesses once more.

When they were in position and standing to rapt attention, Who moved out. The human stepped forward, walking gingerly in front of the unicorns, but at the same time marching with an unrelenting purpose. His head was turned sideways to inspect each and every unicorn in his squad as he walked by them.

Out of nowhere, seemingly for no reason, a unicorn jerked ever so slightly. The motion was impossible to mistake among the other unicorns who seemed to be carved out of grey marble. It happened just as Who stepped past her. And as she jerked, the telekinetic grip on the crossbow held by her side seemed to intensify.

With a single throw, the crossbow was launched into the air, letting it arc neatly above Who’s head. The corporal stopped in his tracks and reached up with one arm, catching the crossbow before if flew out of range. The telekinetic grip had faded on the weapon as Who carefully stepped back to the unicorn mare and turned to face her.

Turning the weapon over, he rigidly inspected every string, bolt and mechanism before twisting it to his side. Holding the crossbow by the front he set the butt on the stone beside his feet with a distinct tchock before lifting the weapon up again. Pausing he suddenly set the weapon down again. Only this time the rest of the unicorns slammed the butts of their weapons on the ground. This time there was a thunderous tchock that filled the whole arena.

Lifting his crossbow up, he twirled it around before catching it by the stock and throwing it back to the original owner. The unicorn mare caught it out of the air and smoothly let it descend to her side. Once again all the crossbows fell and hit the ground with a synchronous clang at the exact same moment Who turned about face.

As one, the whole squad saluted the princesses once more before turning to exit stage right; sent on their way with a smatter of impressed applause.

When Corporal Who’s squad joined the side-lined ranks once more, a single pony marched into the square. The captain of the guard was impossible to mistake.

Captain Shining Armour clad in the very same neat dress-uniform he was married in trotted before the full might of the Sol Guard gathered before him. Stomping to a ttention he quickly snapped into a salute. That was the signal. The final signal.

“Sol Guard!” regiment leaders all bellowed at the same time. “Ten-hut!”

As one all the Sol Guard regiments stood to attention. Thousands of hooves stomped the ground as one causing a sharp attentive crack to echo through the air. Neatly the Sol Guard turned about face and prepared to march.

“On the left… march!”

The sound of marching hooves filled the air as the regiments moved. They all may as well have been clones, moving in the same step.

“One-two! One-two!” Regiment leaders chanted so the correct pace was maintained.

Except Stonewall Company seemed to drift off-step. Though it was no fault of their own. Of anypony to blame, it was actually Buckshot’s fault.

Feeling his jaw drop, Steel Block stared at what the staff sergeant was doing. Buckshot was far off beat. His march was more to the step of marching drums… upbeat marching drums usually followed by some sort of training cadence.

And to add to it, the staff sergeant was whistling!

“What the hay?” Brute Force mumbled watching the staff sergeant quick step, drumming home the chorus beat before resuming a new verse.

“Well?” Buckshot turned his eyes expectantly to his company. “What are you degenerates waiting for? SING!”

“Sing?” a private nearby whimpered recognising the beat from one they had practiced in the barracks a few times.

“Aww, sarge~!” Private Shadow Prancer complained with a girlish whine unbecoming of his buff physique. “We promised no more prancing and singing.”

“Prance, darn it!” Buckshot barked. “Sing you degenerates! Give these ponies a show!!!”

The shield-bearers of Stonewall Company didn’t dare disobey. Glancing among themselves and shrugging defeated they quickly matched the staff sergeant’s odd marching patter, quickstepping before drumming out a proud trot. And so, while drumming out the heavy marching beat, they whistled and sang:

“I've got the reach and the teeth of a killin’ machine, with a need to bleed you when the light goes green; best believe, I’m in a zone to be; from my yin to my yang to my Yang Tze.
Put a grin on my chin, when you come to me; ‘cuz I’ll win, I’m a one-of-a-kind and I’ll bring death to the place you’re about to be; another river of blood runnin’ up to my knees.
Forged in a fire lit long ago, stand next to me, you’ll never stand alone. I’m last to leave, but the first to go; princess, make me dead ‘fore you make me old.
I feed on the fear of the devil inside of the enemy faces in my sight: aim for the heart, fight with the mind, kill with resolve of arctic ice.”

They paused, heavy hoof-beats dominating the stadium before Stonewall Company broke into chorus:

“I am a guardspony I’m marching on!” Staff Sergeant Buckshot bellowed out on his lonesome.

“I am a guardspony I’m marching on!” the rest of the company echoed.

“I am a warrior, this is my song!” Buckshot yelled.

And once again the company repeated, ending the chorus – but they weren’t alone. Knowing the lyrics all to well, the rest of the shields regiment following in Stonewall Company’s wake joined in for the end of the chorus, and the verse that followed. “I am a warrior and this is my song!

“I bask in the glow of the rising war, lay waste to the ground of an enemy shore; wade through the blood spilled on the floor, and if another one stands I’ll kill some more.” – with the other earth-pony companies joining in their volume was doubled, carrying further across the stadium – “Shield on my shoulder and a fire in me, like a cigarette thrown to gasoline; if death don’t bring you fear I swear you'll fear this marching beat.
Come to Tartarus, come to me, deep down in the dark where Tirek be; in the maw with the jaws and the razor teeth, where the brimstone burns and the alicorn weep.
Call to your gods if I cross your path and my silhouette hangs like a bloody rag; hope is a moment now long past; the shadow of death is the one I cast.”

Sensing the next chorus – and even though they didn’t know all the words – the unicorns regiment leading the earth-ponies joined in haphazardly.

“I am a guardspony I’m marching on; I am a warrior and this is my song.

“My eyes are steel and my gaze is long;” – ‘I cannot hear you!’ Buckshot bellowed through the chorus encouraging the company to crank up the volume to overpower the guardsponies joining their voices – “I am a warrior and this is my song!

“Now I live lean and I mean to inflict the grief and the least of me is still out of your reach. The killing machine’s gonna do the deed, until the river runs dry and my last breath leaves.
Chin in the air with a head held high, I’ll stand in the path of the enemy line. Feel no fear; know my pride; for friends and harmony I’ll end your life.”

Pegasi screeched overhead in a blur of white and gold turning sharply and curling in a display of precision aerobatics while they joined their voices with the ground based troops before rank by rank the regiments of ponies filed out of the stadium.

“I am a guardspony I’m marching on;” – the very foundations of the stadium rattled, but it only served to draw more excited cheers from the ponies who watched – “I am a warrior and this is my song!

“My skin is iron and my gaze is long; I am a warrior and this is my song!

“When Tirek sees us charge he’ll up and run; I am a warrior and this is my song!

“There ain’t a demon I can’t overcome; I am a warrior and this is my song!”

Applause exploded across the ranks of the stadium, unlike that offered to even the Wonderbolts. Nothing could quite beat a song.

And as they finally filed out of the stadium and out of the sight of the applauding – some even saluting – ponies, Stonewall Company bellowed out one last chorus:

“Into the fire I will keep marching on – hoo-ah! I am a shield-bearer and this is my song!”

Author's Note

Dedicated to my cousin currently serving overseas. You are a laser-guided, locked-on, killing-machine badass... but to me you're still the squirt I had to take care of in the schoolyard when we were kids. Get your butt home in one piece.

Song can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a0ORdQU

The Mission

The Mission

A blur of colourful dots obscured the summer sky as the parasprites took flight. Squealing in fear, they looped through the air and fluttered desperately for the safety in the Everfree Forest canopy.

What had startled was still causing a ruckus. Brute Force was still screaming in pain as he squirmed; uprooting the forest’s ferny carpet and kicking up dirt.

“Argh! It hurts! Pony down! Pony down!” the guardspony screamed, and despite that he was still rolling on his side and kicking his legs as if trying to run. “Oh, sweet Celestia, the pain! The agony! It hurts so bad!”

“Brute, stop kicking!” Private Mercury tried circling around Brute Force’s back so she wouldn't be bucked in the shins. He wasn’t exactly the strongest stallion in the guard, but Brute Force did have quite a kick.

Steel Block did the same, circling his screaming friend with worry in his eyes.

All three ponies were equally bedraggled. They had mud staining their armour and the under-fatigues. There were bits of twigs and ferns hanging from the nooks in their dirt-glazed armour.

Looking up they saw clods of dirt, moss and rocks form a series of miniature rock-slides down the slope they had just tumbled down. High above them were the deceptive bushels of undergrowth they had moved through while searching the Everfree Forest for their mission objective. All three earth-ponies had tumbled head over hooves a good dozen or so metres.

Mercury and Steel Block had landed without incident. Brute Force – quite obviously – wasn’t so lucky.

The privates still on their hooves standing over their screaming friend watched as a tall figure slid down in a much more controlled fashion than the privates had descended the slope. With a thud, Who the human landed and ran closer; skidding to a halt once more when he realised he didn’t want to be kicked in the shins by Brute Force.

“What happened!?” the human demanded in a tone reserved for figures in authority. He was clearly taking his new duties very seriously. “Report!”

“We fell!” Mercury pointed the hill Who had slid down gracefully. “Brute’s hurt bad, sarge!” she added, remembering to call the mission’s leader by his new rank.

It had taken some time for ponies to get used to Who being a full-blown member of the Royal Guard. Now they had to get used to his position as a sergeant. Heck, the transition has been so quick and sudden some of them still accidentally called him by ‘corporal.’

Looking down, Who reached up and pulled off his helmet, clipping the armour to one of the anchor-points on his utility belt. Trying to kneel down beside Brute Force to see what the matter was, the sword hanging on his hip rattled in the sheath. Hung diagonally across the back of his golden armoured vest was a tube, the bottom end capped and several long sticks sticking out the top. They were like crossbow bolts, but not quite. Steel tipped with nasty looking barbs – like crossbow bolts they were fletched with stabilising fins with notched ‘swallow-tails.’ But at the same time they were far too long to be bolts. Ponies had heard Sergeant Who call them ‘arrows,’ which he used pretty exclusively; fired from the curved wood and rope contraption he called a ‘bow’ hanging from his shoulder.

Leaning back so he wouldn’t be kicked in the chest, Who tried calming Brute Force down. “Private! Let me look!”

High above them a unicorn stuck his head through the bushes just before the drop-off. “Sir, the medic is on his way!” the unicorn from Archer Company’s squad called down to them.

“Tell them to hurry!” Mercury cried on the verge of tears before looking down to Brute like he was her favourite puppy with a broken leg. “Hang on Brute Force! The doc is on the way!”

“Sir, I didn’t hear a break on our way down.” Steel Block rumbled calmly. “It may just be a sprain.”

“Either way we gotta stop him thrashing around ‘fore he makes it worse.” Who suggested. “Privates, hold him down. I want to take a look.”

Turning his head, Steel Block nudged Mercury in the shoulder. Sniffing loudly, the mare nodded, indicating she could do this. Without hesitation, the duo leapt onto their friend. Their combined weight held him pinned to the ground as their forehooves grabbed him by the legs. They struggled for a moment, but soon enough Brute Force wasn’t kicking anymore.

The private was however screaming even louder. “You’re killing me! You’re killing me! I’m gonna be sick, it hurts so bad!”

“Suck it up!” Who cried as he grabbed the foreleg Brute Force was complaining about.

Trying not to rip his leg off with the way Brute was struggling, the sergeant looked up and down the leg. He flexed the joint, eliciting more squeals and struggling from the stallion. There was obviously something wrong with his ankle joint, but no play in the bones as far as he could feel. Clearly nothing was broken, fractured at worst perhaps.

Then he ran his fingers through the chink in the armour behind the fetlocks that allowed the pony to move his leg freely. There he felt something hard and rough.

“Wait a sec, what’s this?” the human mumbled as he held something between his fingers. Something lodged in the pony.

“Waaaaaaaaah!!!” Brute Force bawled like an infant, salty waterfalls arching out of his eyes and pooling around his head. “Stop! Don’t touch it!”

“Can’t we give him a sedative or something!?” Mercury cried distressed.

“There’s no time for sedatives!” Steel Block rumbled.

“There’s always time for sedatives!” Brute Force begged to differ.

Who said nothing has his face screwed up into a focused expression. Working his elbow into it, he squeezed his fingers together and pulled. With a sharp yank it came free, and Brute Force let out a fresh wail. This one sounding like that of a filly instead of that of an injured stallion. Oh, how disappointed Staff Sergeant Buckshot would be in him.

“Oh, no! My leg! You pulled out my vital leg things! I’ll never walk again!”

Who just growled, punching the stallion in the exposed section of ribs between his heavy armour plates. “Private, calm down! It was a splinter! Settle down!”

Listening to Brute Force breathing hard and whimpering, Steel Block gave a confused frown. “It was a what?”

“It was a WHAT!?” Mercury exclaimed louder. “You got me worried and worked up over a WHAT!?”

“It was a splinter.” Who sighed holding it up. It was a sizeable thorn, held between the human’s index finger and thumb. A good centimetre long and curved slightly into a perfect point, it might be described as a talon on first glance. But since it hadn’t even shed any blood, the thorn was still just a splinter.

“O-oh…” Brute Force looked at it a little sheepishly. “So I’ll be okay?”

“I have some bad news, private. You’re gonna live long enough to settle down with a mare and produce offspring. A concept that terrifies us all, I’m sure.” Sergeant Who shook his head as he stood before tossing the pathetic shard of wood away.

“But you’re not a doctor, Who!” Brute cried. If he was going to put his health on the line he wanted a second opinion!

The sergeant just sighed – irritably this time. “… cute.” With a roll of his eyes he turned and walked away.

As the human left, still lain on his side Brute Force looked up to his friends. “Was it something I said?”

Mercury didn’t say anything. Gaping widely for a moment, she just gritted her teeth angrily before trotting off after the sergeant. Steel Block in the meantime moved around Brute Force with a heavy sigh.

“A splinter.” He shook his head before helping the private up. “Brute Force, you degenerate.”

“It was a really big one.” Brute mumbled sheepishly as the larger stallion moved to also follow Who.

The human sergeant unencumbered his bow, and with the weapon gripped in one hand he looked up the sheer drop-off to see two unicorns stick their heads through the bushes above.

“Sir!?” one of the unicorns cried looking the four figures below over. “I have the medic prepared for descent! Is everything alright?”

“Stand down, corporal.” Who cried back up to them. “False alarm!”

Inspecting the drop off, the unicorns quickly figured the human and the three earth-ponies wouldn’t be able to scramble back up to regroup with the rest of the mission group. “Sir, should we gather the ascension gear?”

Who shook his head, though he gave a small grin. At least his new corporal remembered his training and wasn’t letting the ‘first-mission-jitters’ go to his head. “Negative, corporal. Mission objective remains the same. Take the rest of the squad and link up with the pegasi squad from Rapid Company. Keep moving north to where the target was last sighted. We’ll follow this ridge ‘till we can find somewhere to climb up.”

“Sir, I really think-…” the young corporal began, but Who was shaking his head.

“There’s no time to follow standard operating procedure to the letter, corporal.” Who said keeping a level tone. “If you don’t keep up the search now the target may wander deeper into the Everfree Forest. If he wanders into manticore hunting-grounds our job gets harder. Allons-y, corporal.”

A fraction of a pause, enough for Who to notice hesitation in the corporal’s eyes. But recomposing himself, the young corporal nodded. “Aye, sir!”

The unicorns’ heads disappeared back into the thicket and Who heard the corporal rally the squad to keep moving. He had no doubt in his mind the corporal merely wanted to keep the sergeant close. This was the young unicorn’s first mission after all. Who remembered his own first mission as a corporal. He should have, it had only been three weeks ago. Who had learned quickly. He was sure this corporal would learn quickly too.

Turning, Who reached back and pulled one of the arrows from his quiver. Resting it over the side of his bow, he clicked the notch in the tail against the string, keeping the bow held in a relaxed position in front of him. At the same time he was assessing Brute Force as he and his fellow shield bearers gathered themselves. Shrugging the heavy ‘iron-wings’ onto their shoulders, the earth-ponies prepared to move.

“Ready?”

Steel Block was the first to nod as he gave the shield on Brute Force’s side a solid head-butt. The metal clang filled the air, but Brute was unmoved.

“Solid as stone walls, sir.” The heavy stallion rumbled.

Brute Force chuckled at that. “Stone walls… Stonewall Company… hehe. Jackass.”

“Rich coming from you, cry-baby.” Mercury scowled, not quite forgiving her friend for his overreaction earlier.

Who rolled his eyes as he moved out. “I’ll take point. Stay close, privates.”

It wasn’t exactly SOP to let an NCO take the lead, but before any of them could complain the sergeant was moving out. While he wasn’t a sprinter like earth-ponies, and couldn’t cover as much ground as pegasi could in flight, the human was still agile and quick on his feet. Because he had a longer stride and a pair of hands, the human could often cover rough ground terrain faster than most ponies.

The heavily armoured earth-ponies had to canter just to keep up with the sergeant. As they moved though, their progress through the Everfree Forest was not silent. Their heavy hoof-falls thudded loudly as they passed through the glistening rays of sunshine filtering through the patchy canopy. Their armour jingled, as did their iron-wings.

And to add to that, they had to talk over it all.

“Don’t you think it’s strange?” Mercury suddenly asked.

Steel Block glanced sideways at her. “What?”

“Not what! Who!” Mercury immediately clarified fearing another ‘Who-related’ confusion session coming on. “The human being in charge? It’s like some kind of conspiracy, I tell you. How can somepony go from a cadet to sergeant little under two months, then jump straight to leading an operation! It doesn’t make any sense.”

Steel Block huffed as if the answer to that question was too easy and not worth answering. But answer he did anyway. “The guy just works his butt off. I heard he gives out his shore leave to other ponies with families in his company so he can spend more time working and studying. He was supposed to be taking a vacation in fact, but instead he applied for an officer’s course. This mission is preliminary assessment.”

Scoffing, Brute Force shook his head. “That makes altogether way too much sense. I heard the captain just likes him.”

“Horse-crud!” Mercury snapped.

“Okay, Merc. You seem obsessed with sarge enough to bring this up. What’s your theory?” Brute Force asked in a smarty-pants tone.

“I think he’s seeing with the captain’s sister, and she’s so love-struck she’s putting in a good word for him to her brother.” Mercury expounded as if it were simplicity itself.

That made the stallion chuckle. “That could do it. What do you think, Blocky?”

“I think she sounds jealous.” Steel Block grinned broadly, nudging Mercury.

She didn’t pay him any mind, staring at the human ahead of them. He had slowed to a walk and was swivelling his gaze from side to side as the steep incline to their side shallowed out. He was obviously looking for a point for them to climb up and regroup with the rest of the mission. Though Mercury wouldn’t know that. She was too busy checking out his ‘flanks,’ of whatever the who-man equivalent was.

“Jealous ain’t the word I woulda used.” Mercury mumbled with a faint grin, eliciting a ‘Huh?’ from the stallions at her side.

Holding up a fist, Who halted their march, then beckoned the ponies over. “Here.” he pointed at a rocky section as he tucked away his bow and arrow. “We can climb up here. C’mon.”

Once again the sergeant was moving faster than the shield bearers. On all fours he clambered up the rocks that formed like a craggy stairway up the steep incline. Within moments he reached the top and poked his head over the ridge to look left and right. Satisfied the coast was clear he scrambled over the summit and turned around the beckon the earth-ponies up.

One at a time they clambered up towards the sergeant where Who helped them up over the ridge. Before long they were catching their breath on higher ground while Who determined a northerly direction. Peering through the canopy he located Canterlot in the mountains in a direction he knew was east. From there he calculated a northerly trajectory and drew his bow and first arrow once more.

“C’mon, privates. Keep movi-…” the sergeant was about to tell them to keep moving when something rustled nearby.

The bushes were shaking from side to side as a heavy hoof-falls met their ears. The earth-ponies angled their iron-wings towards the bushes, ready to block a charge. Who immediately stepped behind them, drawing back his bow-string and aiming along the arrow. His fingertips flexed, ready to let the string go and let an arrow fly at the disturbance…

He quickly tightened his grip on the string when he saw what burst from the bushes.

The unicorns from Archer Company were as bedraggled as the earth-ponies. Mud trailed up their legs and flanking armour where they’d sprinted across mucky terrain. There were bits of foliage caught between their armour plates, and all of them were completely out of breath.

At the sight of Who and the three ponies, the unicorns halted their run, heaving heavily as they tried to catch their breath.

But even as the unicorns slid to a halt the thunderous racket of running hooves didn’t mute. They were being chased by something. And whatever it was, judging by the slowly increasing volume it was getting closer.

The corporal was paler than he usually was and was panting desperately for breath. Like his fellows, the unloaded crossbow hung across his back where he hadn’t bothered to reload yet. There was something distinct in his eyes. A distinct look of fear. And Sergeant Who knew exactly why that was.

The sergeant had set out from Ponyville with eight unicorns that morning. Now he counted four.

“Report!” Who barked un-tensing his bow and kneeling in front of the corporal so they were at eye-level.

“I-I-I…” the corporal was on the verge of nervous breakdown. The guardsponies under his command were in a similar state, shocked and confused; and they had no idea what they had to do next.

“Crystal Shine!” Who called to the corporal. “I need you to tell me what happened! Now report, soldier!”

Corporal Crystal Shine gaped, his mouth working, but at first there were no sounds. Then a croak as the faint thuds of pursuing hoof-beats grew louder. The earth-pony shield bearers formed up to the unicorns’ sides, ready to receive a charging line.

“Corporal!”

Crystal Shine’s terrified expression shifted as his lips moved to allow a single word to escape his mouth: “… changelings!”

The single word croaked from the unicorn was startling. Even Sergeant Who wasn’t expecting that one.

“Changelings? This far into Equestria?” Steel Block rumbled.

“A baker’s dozen.” Corporal Crystal Shine managed to force out looking defensively to the shield-bearer. “Ah’ know what ah’ saw. A scoutin’ party. Ambushed us. Knocked out privates-…” Who held up a hand to stop the unicorn there.

“They’re fine. We’ll worry about collecting them later. Sol Guard, on stag!” he ordered with a terse bark.

The Royal Guard managed to line up to receive an assault. The pursuing hoof-falls were louder now, joined with the rustling of branches and leaves as the incoming changelings grew nearer. Under the din were several clicks as the unicorns unencumbered their crossbows and loaded up.

“These weirdo love-junkies don’t take another step into Equestria!” Who called to the guardsponies under his command. “Am I understood?”

The seven ponies replied at the same time. “Sir, yes sir!”

The bushes rustled like before, and in an explosion of foliage they leapt from cover, landing before the readied Royal Guard.

They were like the illegitimate offspring of ponies and insects. Part beetle, part pony, they were covered in a midnight black exo-skeleton layered over a thick hide protecting their vital internal life-juices. All changelings followed basic alicorn principles, with a pair of delicate buggy-wings and a horn perched on their foreheads – a curved number quite akin to that of a rhinoceros. Granted they couldn’t do much more than magically alter their appearance and produce scorching stun-blasts, but it was enough that they could fly and shoot magic.

Not only that, their hooves were home to sharp, hooked claws of chitin and they had massive fangs to boot. Their pale, solid blue eyes only served to add to the intimidating effect.

“Well what do we have here?” one changeling – seemingly the leader – hissed. He was large – for a changeling anyway. This bruiser had extra layers of chitin layered over his already hardened exo-skeleton with the edges ending in barbs and spikes. “Some Royal Guard out for a walk in the woods, eh?”

The changelings let out some growls and laughs, pacing up and down the Sol Guard line. A few took an intimidating step forward, trying to elicit a response from the cornered Royal Guard. They didn’t flinch. Not even the scared corporal. They stared right back at the changelings with icy resolve.

Backed up against the drop off, the Sol Guard didn’t have anything else they could do. Who’s aim snapped between the thirteen insectoids, his fingers burning to let an arrow fly. Steel Block dug his ironclad hooves deeper into the soil prepared to stave off an assault. Brute Force and Mercury looked ready to charge.

Regardless, they were out-numbered and in a crappy position. All the changelings had to do was charge with a magical shield-wall and shove the Royal Guard over the edge. And when the armoured ponies and their human compadre finally hit the ground below they’d be caught in a shooting gallery. The changelings would likely just stand on the high ground and rain stun-blasts down at them.

“We’re in trouble, sarge!” Steel Block growled imagining the same tactical assessment in his head.

Who shook his head. “We’re not in trouble. Not yet. Because we have a phrase.” – The unicorn archers perked up their ears when they heard their sergeant speak – “An ancient, time-tempered phrase. An old saying from my home world;” – smirks spread across unicorn faces as they readied their stance, smiling defiantly at the changelings outnumbering them – “A phrase of great power and wisdom and consolation to the soul in time of need.”

Mercury smiled hearing this. “What is it?” she asked curiously, desperately wanting to know before she was blasted by the changelings.

The answer came with a combined bellow from the unicorns as the squad from Archer Company let out their war-cry: “ALLONS-Y!”

And without hesitation, they charged. The changelings were frozen in shock, and could only watch as four unicorns and a human ran right at them; screaming for blood. Four bolts and an arrow sliced through the air between them and slammed into the changelings with a crack of steel meeting their hardened black hide. The ammunition bounded off their faces, but still the changelings who were hit took a staggered step back, breaking their line. And taking advantage, Archer Company was upon them. Crossbow stocks swung around and smashed into other changelings. Who swung his bow around, bashing the hardened limbs into one before wrapping the string around the throat of another changeling, strangulating the creature.

In the meantime, the earth-ponies were stunned. Mercury looked to her left at Brute Force. His mouth was agape and his eyes were wide. She then turned her head to Steel Block. He looked back at her and gave a shrug.

Shrugging as well, Private Mercury threw herself after Sergeant Who, her voice joined by her friends’ in a mighty: “WAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!”

… not exactly the usual Stonewall Company war-cry, but effective none the less.

Headfirst they ran right into the changeling forces. Brute Force whipped around, sliding across the dirt on his flank before landing on his hooves in range and bucking a pair of changelings in the face with one well-placed kick. Mercury charged faster than the other two, sprinting headlong into another changeling straight up nailing him into a tree. The force of the blow caused the bark to shatter and nearly topple the evergreen. Steel Block ran in shield-first. Two changelings bounced off his iron-wing, a third rearing back. The mighty stallion angled his shield downward a little and scooped the rearing changeling up against the surface of the steel plate.

Before the changeling could even think of taking flight to escape, Steel Block pivoted forward and crushed the changeling into a bramble bush. Stepping back he saw the changeling lay on his back among a pool of squished blackberries with a pained expression, parasprites buzzing confusedly around his head.

Whipping around, Steel Block saw the sergeant was pulling a changeling off Mercury’s back before pinning the insect pony so the mare could buck it in the face. In the meantime however, the changeling commander was charging up behind them, his horn aimed directly at them, glowing with mucus-green energy.

Gritting his jaw, Steel Block kicked off, throwing clods of earth up in his wake as he charged at the changeling’s side. Leaping forward he angled his body to soar shield first directly into the bruiser. They made contact with a great clang-g-g; before tumbling to the ground and rolling head over heels.

Rolling over as his shield was torn from his side, Steel Block landed on his iron hooves and slid to a halt. The changeling slowly climbed to his hooves and hissed at the shield-bearer. Flexing a crick out of his neck, Steel Block heard his joints pop as he cropped at the dirt with his forehoof. The changeling did the same as they stared each other down.

“I beat down dozens of guardsfillies like you in Canterlot the last time we were in town.” The changeling shot venomously, lowering his head in preparation of a charge. “Why don’t you show me those sissy Canterlot moves again!?” and with that the bruiser leapt forward, mouth agape as if wanting to bite through the earth-pony’s armour.

At that very moment however time seemed to freeze. It halted as Steel Block assessed his foe and the situation. His mind was working in overdrive processing every detail in just a split second.

Comment at the Royal Guard efficacy intended to throw off concentration. This must not register on an emotional level. He heard his own thoughts rumble in his head as he assessed the attacking changeling. Incoming attack; overconfident but decisive. His advantage; wings, natural armour and horn. My advantage; training. Odds? Stacked in my favour.

Time screamed back into motion as the changeling fluttered his wings and flew right at Steel Block. Lowering his head, the stallion returned the charge, rearing back and leaping headlong into the changeling commander.

First, disengage attack. The private thought.

A moment later there was a distinct crack as Steel Block’s vision shuddered. The bruiser’s face smacked headlong into the armoured plates over Steel Block’s forehead. If the changeling had pupils he would have gone cross-eyed. Drops of phlegm and shattered teeth sprayed into the air. The changeling’s trajectory changed in an instant, and the bruiser landed hard on his back, over a hundred kilos of stallion and armour on top.

Clip wings.

An ironclad hoof slammed down on the bruiser’s wings with a crunch, practically breaking them off; rendering them useless for any endeavours in the near future.

Break beak.

Steel Block’s head swung down and his forehead made contact with the changeling’s head again. This time, as the bruiser’s head was cratered into the dirt, Steel Block’s strike didn’t hit the exposed face, but some of the layers of natural armour that softened the blow. At the same time the changeling’s all fours hooked upwards and pushed the heavy stallion off, throwing Steel to one side.

Scrambling to his hooves, he heard his thoughts rumble in his head once more, the green glow of the changeling’s magic reflecting in Steel Block’s eyes. Careful of the horn.

Ducking to one side he could feel the searing heat of a magical blast through the plates of his helmet. Scrambling closer he threw his shoulder into the changeling’s before he could charge the next shot, causing the bruiser to stumble.

Persuade him that use of magic is inappropriate.

Steel’s armoured hoof swung around in a wide arc, clipping into the exposed side of the bruiser’s face. More broken teeth and spit splattered the forest floor. At the same time however, all the strenuous activity was taking its toll. Steel Block was heavier, carrying a lot more armour than the changeling commander. It took him more effort to move, and all this fighting was causing his lungs to burn.

Fatigue setting in. he reasoned calmly. Even the odds.

Swinging around, Steel Block quickly aimed before cocking back both rear legs and bucking the bruiser hard in the ribs. Air exploded out of the changeling’s mouth as he stumbled sideways. But Steel Block didn’t relent.

Finish with a tackle.

Charging in, he scooped his head low and worked his way under the changeling. Lifting the bruiser clean into the air, Steel Block pushed off and jumped. Together, with the changeling on his back, the duo soared for a moment, rotating slowly in a neat spiral. Finally they came back down to earth. The changeling first, cratered into the dirt causing the very foundations of Equestria to rattle the vibrations were felt in the earth by all, with a force enough to lift up the carpets of moss covering the forest floor. Then the crushing weight of the shield-bearer landed on top.

Hostile down.

Rolling off the changeling, Steel Block moved to walk away from the finished bruiser. But before he left, he cocked his rear leg, smirking back at the semi-conscious changeling.

“How do you like these Canterlot moves, ugly?” he quipped before lashing out.

CRACK!

That was one changeling who wouldn’t be bothering anypony for a while.

Looking up, Steel Block was just in time to see Sergeant Who finish kicking a changeling in the face, causing the insectoid-pony to crumple. At the same time the human was swinging his bow around, slamming one of the solid limbs into the face of a second changeling.

As the changeling whirled around, Who dropped his bow and leapt onto the creature’s back. The changeling dropped to the floor with who crippling one of the ears in one hand, horn in the other. Without hesitation he bashed the changeling’s face into the ground and held his head up again.

The changeling went googly-eyed, not quite knowing which way was up, so Who slammed his face down again. This time when the changeling’s head was held up, his eyes were shut completely, mouth hanging open a little, allowing the sergeant to abandon the unconscious changeling.

Hooking his foot under his bow, he flicked it up into the air, catching it while drawing an arrow with his free hand. Who loaded as he whipped around, tensing the bowstring back before firing after just a fleeting moment to aim. The arrow sliced through the air, right through a set of changeling wings as the final creature lunged itself at Brute Force.

Clipped, the changeling slammed into the ground face-first, sliding to a halt with a mouth full of mud. Blinking away the stars orbiting his head, the changeling looked up only to see a heavy iron-wing come plummeting down at his face.

When everything went dark for the last changeling, Sergeant Who loaded his bow again and backed up to where the ponies were regrouping, surrounded by unconscious changeling bodies.

“How many did you get?” the sergeant asked over his shoulder to Private Brute Force. He wanted a contact report from each of them so they could be sure they got all the bad-guys.

Brute shrugged casually. “Oh... ‘bout forty-nine.”

Who frowned. “... private, there were only thirteen of them.”

“So yeah, I got seventy two. You guys got the rest.” – Brute paused to add – “That makes about thirteen...”

Shaking his head, Who looked at Steel Block and Mercury. “Can he even count to ten?”

Both of them shrugged.

As the tension in the air slowly eased with all the changelings laying down, the sound of wings caught their attention. The Sol Guard looked up to see eight figures breach the forest canopy. The Pegasus squad from Rapid Company landed roughly, sliding to a halt on their hooves before the sergeant.

The leading mare quickly straightened up and gave a brief salute.

“We heard the commotion and dashed to regroup, sir.” The mare reported. “Sorry we’re late.”

“Nothing to worry about.” Sergeant Who replied indicating the unconscious changelings. “Nothing we couldn’t handle.”

The pegasus nodded her head with a smile. “Hope the wind’s not knocked out of you yet, sir. We have eyes on the target, one click north-west from here. He won’t be going anywhere though. He’s stuck in a tree, sir.”

Who couldn’t help grin at that. Finally something was going in their favour. Turning his head he addressed the unicorns and earth-ponies. “You heard the lady! Tree climbing time! Let’s move, Sol Guard!”

“Tree climbing? Seriously?” Brute Force complained as the Sol Guard shrugged off their bruises and caught their next wind; charging into the woods after the pegasi leading the way. “Aw, horseapples.”

~~~

Under the summer sun, Ponyville was a postcard kind of town more than ever. Clean streets. Polite, pleasant ponies trotting around. The sun glinting on the golden thatch rooftops. It had been the town from which Sergeant Who and his guardsponies had set out that morning. They had been clean, polished and rested.

Coming up to lunch-time they returned with the mission objective cradled in Who’s arms… and they looked worse for wear. Fatigued. Caked in dirt. Scuffed. Bruised… the list went on.

Still, Who marched unwavering to where a small filly sat crying; literally bawling her eyes out. The tiny grayish-violet unicorn hardly relented, even as the sergeant cast his shadow over her. Opening her eyes, waterfalls of tears flowed down her cheeks even as the human knelt to show her what he’d found in the Everfree Forest.

With glistening eyes, Dinky Doo cried out with surprise as a small kitten poked his head out between Who’s hands. “MITTENS!” she cried happily holding out her forearms.

Stood beside the filly was a young unicorn mare watching as Mittens leapt from the sergeant’s grasp and nearly tackled Dinky Doo with happiness. The young mare was the civilian who had issued the original alert about Mittens getting lost in the Everfree Forest. She had been there to brief the Royal Guard when they arrived for the search and rescue mission. And even then she’d been immediately recognisable; Captain Shining Armour’s younger sister and Princess Celestia’s personal student was pretty hard to miss. Miss Twilight Sparkle was smiling as broadly as the filly was re-united with her darling cat.

Standing quite a bit back from the happy re-unification so they wouldn’t catch diabetes from the adorableness; Privates Mercury, Brute Force and Steel Block were trying to pull the twigs and caked mud from their shields and armour. If Staff Sergeant Buckshot saw them return in such a state he’d have a field-day.

While pulling caked dirt from her iron-wing, Mercury watched Who tousle the filly’s golden mane with one hand – the mare sighed as she watched. “He’s such a sweetheart.” She breathed out dreamily.

Looking up from what he was doing, Brute Force looked past her head. “What?”

“I said he’s such a lame-ass.” Mercury repeated in a duller tone

Brute frowned. “Oh... right. ‘Cuz I swore I could have heard you say he was-...”

“I didn’t say anything.” Private Mercury quickly snapped defensively.

“... riiiiiiight.” Brute Force nodded unconvinced.

Leaving them to it, Steel Block averted his gaze to the royal carriages standing along the edge of the Everfree Forest. Re-enforcements from Canterlot were helping the injured unicorns the changelings had taken out onto one of the carriages for immediate transport to the Canterlot Medical Centre. Just a precaution really. Changeling stun-blasts hurt like nothing else Steel Block could compare it to, but they were non-lethal.

Speaking of the changelings, they too were being loaded up on a carriage. Only this one was less comfortable and had iron bars on the windows. One of the changelings stuck his head out between the bars looking quite sad. They’d simmer down in the dungeons for a day or so feeding off the love of rats before Princess Celestia returned them to the changeling lands. Possibly a sign of good faith to improve relations with the changelings. For whatever good it might do.

Finally there were a few Pegasus drawn chariots ready for loading up the non-flight ponies and the human sergeant. They’d be taken back to Canterlot for debriefing. No doubt Captain-slash-Prince Shining Armour would be eager to have a detailed recreation of the mission. He’d definitely want to know the status of Mittens the kitten. The changelings were just a minor detail, mind you.

Hefting his iron-wing back onto the mount on his shoulder, Steel Block gave the shield a light shake to ensure it was secure before lifting his gaze to Sergeant Who.

He had completed the drop-off of the mission objective and was walking back to them when a lavender streak caught up to his side. Stopping, Sergeant Who turned to face Twilight Sparkle as she said something to catch his attention. Steel Block watched the unicorn and the human speak animatedly for a moment before Miss Sparkle smiled broadly. She held up a hoof as if wanting to shake his hand in thanks.

Stepping back however, Who snapped into a pristine salute. Looking a little sheepish, the unicorn tried to return the gesture; though failed miserably. Mercury’s original assessment about those two seeing each other with a romantic interest was clearly untrue. Turning sharply, the sergeant took his leave of Miss Sparkle and marched to where the three earth-ponies stood waiting.

“You fillies ready to be brought back to your company?” he called out as he approached.

“Not so fast, sir.” Steel Block chuckled with a broad smile. “I’m only just starting to enjoy all this field-work business.”

“I’ll admit getting out of Canterlot was nice.” Mercury agreed. “Nice to do so much running and fighting. Good for the heart. Good for the legs.”

“Freakin’ dangerous though.” Brute Force complained. “Seriously? We risked our lives for a kitten. I sustained serious injury… for a kitten!”

“It was a splinter!” Steel Block laughed.

“You saw the size of it!” Brute whined before looking to the sergeant for help. “Sarge, what was the point?”

Who frowned. “Point? We protect and serve. That is our job. It’s what we do, private.”

“Yeah, but it’s a kitten! Where’s the showers of thanks and praise? Where are the spoils of war? Where’s the reward?” Brute Force asked.

At that, Who let a grin tug at the corners of his mouth. Half turning, he pointed to Dinky Doo. “That filly was crying moments ago. Now she’s smiling.”

As the three earth-ponies watched Mittens happily chase Dinky Doo around in circles, Sergeant Who stepped past them with a shrug, adding:

“I’d say that’s reward enough.”

The Reprimand

The Reprimand

Staff Sergeant Buckshot’s quarters was as one might expect his quarters to be. More like an office than a living space.

His bed was perfectly made with the blanket folded back neatly to reveal the pillow – possibly stuffed with bricks like the mattress; because Buckshot was just that hard. He had a bookshelf stuffed with a mixture of history and fiction, all books on legendary and actual battles. Campaigns stretched Equestria and beyond. He had a big banner stamped with the Sol Guard logo – a clone of Celestia’s cutie mark – hanging over his desk shuffled neatly along the far wall. That was where he worked and it showed his work was as neatly as his bed and wardrobe. His papers were neatly stacked, organised in trays; even his quills and pencils were organised by colour and length.

It was a little unnerving for the privates who couldn’t even keep their hoof-lockers tidy. Even Steel Block wasn’t this organised.

Since the Royal Guard guidelines demanded all guardsponies be tidy at all times it was no surprise Buckshot was a little anal-retentive when it came to his living space.

Standing in a row, Brute Force, Mercury and Steel Block tried their best to look as pristine as the staff sergeant’s room. It turned out to be quite an impossible endeavour, since all three of their helmets were missing revealing their singed and tousled manes; their armour was dented and scorched in places and Brute Force even had lumps of cake stuck to his coat.

While the three earth-ponies stood to attention, Buckshot was pacing up and down the room wearing a groove in the floor. Not because he was nervous. Because he really hadn’t a clue what he should say and was trying to come up with an opening statement. He’d entered the room about ten minutes ago and haven’t even said hello. Not even an order to stand to attention.

It was eerie. Then again, this was not a normal situation.

The trio had been in trouble before. They’d been in deep trouble before. But not like this. Never like this. Heck, Colonel Hard Candy was fuming! She was on her way up, and honestly the sergeant wasn’t sure what he could say to get the colonel to take it easy on the privates.

And it begged the question, after what they did; did they deserve any slack?

Lifting his head, the staff sergeant paused his pacing and scanned the three faces. He chewed his cigar stub for a moment before it worked smoothly into the opposite corner of his mouth. Then with a sigh he lowered his head again and paced some more, realising he wasn’t quite sure how to begin yet.

Eventually though, Buckshot found his voice. And after such an extended silence, it came in a torrent of immense volume.

“WHAT THE HAY WERE YOU THINKING!?” The staff sergeant bellowed out.

Brute Force was the one who got a face full of Buckshot’s Royal Canterlot Voice, and it quite literally slicked back the remnants of his burned mane.

“Umm…” was the sheepish hum that came from all three privates.

“Don’t answer that.” Buckshot grumbled finding the volume control on his vocal-chords and pacing some more. As he moved he kept grumbling: “I should know the three of you don’t really think that often.”

“Are you mad, sarge?” Mercury asked meekly.

“No, he’s freakin’ peachy.” Brute Force hissed sarcastically.

Buckshot however shook his head vigorously and stopped pacing. Turning to face them, he straightened out his posture. “I’m not angry, kids...” he admitted before pausing to find the right words to express himself. “I’m just disappointed.”

Steel Block physically winced. “That hurts so much more, sarge.”

“I know, that’s why I said it.” The sergeant snapped at him before addressing the three of them again. “You know Colonel Hard Candy is actually coming up here to give you three a hard time, right? She probably has your discharge papers signed in triplicate too!”

Mercury gulped loudest of the three, knowing full well her mother would kill her if she got discharged.

“Doesn’t the colonel have anything better to do, sir?” Brute asked hoping the staff sergeant would say ‘yes.’

No such luck though. “Everypony needs a job, private. Colonel Hard Candy’s job is to be a mule.”

The staff sergeant lowered his head and paced some more. All three heads watched him innocently, turning as he moved to their left, whirled around and moved to the right. Eventually he halted again and sighed. Sitting on his haunches, Buckshot waved for the privates to be at ease. They barely moved.

“Let’s just get the explanation straight before she gets up here.” Buckshot sighed tiredly. “Tell me the whole story, start to finish. But trust me, it better be a good one!”

Awkwardly, the three private glanced at each other before Steel Block gave a nod. Being the most rational of the three, it was silently decided he ought to do the telling.

“Yes sir.” Steel Block began. “It started when we were assigned the royal quarters guard duty…”

~~~

“… oh-please, oh-please, oh-please!” Mercury bawled like an infant as she followed Steel Block like a lost puppy – puppy-dog eyes and all. “I’m curious!”

“No.” Steel Block growled for the hundredth time that evening as he rigidly marched his assigned patrol route.

His path circled the royal quarters. It passed by Celestia and Luna’s respective studies, as well as some royal guest chambers and the infamous Princess Celestia’s Bedchamber. We say infamous simply because nopony bar the princess of the sun and her sister really gets to go inside very often.

Steel Block’s hooves scraped and clicked sharply on the floor as he walked in a by-the-book rhythm. Private Mercury on the other hand was completely off-beat. In fact, she wasn’t even at her assigned post. She was supposed to be standing outside Princess Celestia’s study with Brute Force. Instead she was stalking Steel Block like a bad smell.

“Oh, c’mon!” Mercury pouted as Steel Block rounded the corner into the hallway bringing what was supposed to be a lonely patrol full circle. “Why not?”

“You know darn well why not!” Steel Block snapped as he passed by the door to the princess’ study.

Standing outside was Brute Force. Like the other two he was groomed and his charcoal armour – even the silver chainmail under-layer – was polished to a perfect shine. He stood in a half-attentive stance, half-wittedly taking his duty to guard the royal study half-seriously.

“He say yes yet?” Brute asked with an eager grin as he watched Steel and Mercury walk by.

“I’m working on it.” The mare grumbled. “C’mon, Steel! Don’t be such a hater, brony.”

“I’m not hating.” Steel Block stopped in his tracks to address the duo plaguing his motivation to perform his duty. “I just don’t have a death-wish!”

“Oh, c’mon!” Brute Force whine matching Mercury’s tone. “Nopony has to know. It’s so boring up here.”

Mercury nodded in agreement. “Yeah. And besides, with Celestia-…”

“Princess Celestia.” Brute Force quickly corrected with a whisper.

“Whatever,” – the mare snapped – “with her entertaining the Saddle Arabian diplomats downstairs nopony is going to be up here. We practically own the royal quarters for the evening.”

“You’re suggesting invading Princess Celestia’s privacy.” Steel Block hissed, checking the surroundings like they were talking about overthrowing the throne. “If we get caught we’ll be sent to the sun for sure. Or worse! We could be discharged from the guard!”

Brute Force and Mercury blinked a few times before the mare spoke again. “Your priorities are really weird.”

“We’re not breaking into the princess’ bedchamber.” Steel snapped.

That was when they did it. The worst possible thing the duo could have done. Their eyes widened, the black pupils growing twice the normal size. Their lips quivered as they stared up at their friend innocently – almost pathetically.

It was like having an adorably retarded puppy stare you down… worse yet, it was more like two adorably retarded puppies staring your down. There was simply no way he could say no again.

“Ugh…” with a deep sigh, Steel Block raked his forehoof down over his face. “Fine! Let’s make it quick.”

“Boo-yeah!” the other two whooped, leaping for joy.

Without hesitating or wasting any time they scrambled over the slick polished floor, leading the way to Princess Celestia’s bedroom with a distinct bounce in their step. Steel Block followed with less enthusiasm.

The bedroom door wasn’t too far away. Four doors down they found it. And it sort of stood out.

Made of dark-stained wood, the door had a gothic arched top and was home to a heavy brass set of hinges with a gold-plated knob. Decorative plates of a purple-ish metal decorated the wood with intricate swirls like honeysuckle growing over the wood.

Reaching up, Mercury grabbed the knob in both hooves and gave it a twist. Nothing happened. Not a click of the lock, not a groan of the hinges; not even a light rattle of the wood.

“Hgggnnnnnn!” Mercury didn’t relent, struggling against the door before giving up. “Okay,” – she sighed, catching her breath – “that’s locked.”

“Good!” Steel Block looked quite happy about that. “We can’t get in. Can we get back to work now?”

“Ugh.” Brute Force rolled his eyes stepping up and burying his head in one of the pouches attached to his armour. “Gimme a sec. I’ll pick the lock.” He suddenly re-emerged with a pair of probes lodged between his teeth.

Steel Block scoffed. “You know how to pick a lock?”

“I’m quite familiar with the ancient arts of subtlety.” Brute Force assured as he slotted the probes into the keyhole and started twiddling them with his fore-hooves…

~~~

Staff Sergeant Buckshot held up a hoof, interrupting the story. “Wait just a second. You picked the lock?” he asked disbelievingly.

The privates glanced at each other as if to confer before Brute Force slowly nodded his head. “Uh, y-yeah. Yes sir.”

Buckshot cocked an eyebrow before pointing at the private. “… you? The patience to pick a lock?”

Brute Force rubbed his neck sheepishly feeling his cheeks burn. “Well… I tried to pick it.”

“How did that work out for you?”

“Uhm…” tapping his lip, Brute Force had to think carefully about what he said next…

~~~

The lock holding Celestia’s bedroom door in place broke in a shower of splinters and shards of metal as Brute Force put a leg clean through it. The door slammed open loudly with a thunderous clang that echoed throughout the royal quarters.

One at a time, the three earth-ponies poked their heads over the threshold to look inside. Mercury – at the top – was grinning broadly. Steel Block – in the middle – seemed less pleased and scowled down to Brute Force at the bottom of their stack.

“Ancient arts of subtlety, eh?” Steel Block rumbled.

Brute shrugged. “Ah, the ancient arts were too slow.”

One at a time the ponies trotted into Celestia’s bedroom, looking about like excited tourists observing the inside of a forbidden tomb open to the public. Steel Block was less excited though, carefully poking his head out the door and looking up and down the hallway to keep watch.

Princess Celestia did have some neat digs. It was definitely fancier than the guards’ billets. Honestly though, it wasn’t quite what they had expected. It was quite dark, but in a cosy way. It was as if they had been teleported up into the sky and were standing on the clouds during a summer’s eve; just before the sun dipped over the horizon to make way for Luna’s moon.

Passing the small rosebush growing in a pot by the door, Mercury and Brute Force spread out around the bed laid into the centre of the floor. Brute experimentally prodded the long golden comforter running along the long edge of the bed while Mercury poked her head into the massive hearth nearby. Steel Block was still by the door keeping watch.

“You satisfied now?” the larger stallion called to his friends. “It’s just another fancy room.”

“Oh, man, this is awesome!” Mercury suddenly squealed over the sound of rattling armour.

Hearing the metal plates of her uniform shifting, Steel Block closed his eyes with a calming sigh. “I’m going to turn around, and when I do you’d better not be naked on the princess’ bed.”

“Oh, no.” Brute Force chuckled as Steel Block whipped around. “It’s better than that.”

Jerking his eyes open, Steel Block felt his stomach twist. His expression sank. What he saw was indeed better than seeing the private jumping on the princess’ bed. For given value of better of course. What she was doing certainly made their odds of being banished to the sun better if they got caught better.

Private Mercury had dived head-first into Celestia’s wardrobe and re-emerged wearing the royal vestments over her own armour. Perched atop her helmet was a golden tiara centred with a glistening gem, an identical stone centring the heavy necklace draped on her neck. Even though her armour bulked her already buff physique out a bit, the golden apparel was still too big.

“I didn’t know she had spares.” She said inspecting the shiny tiara perched on her helmet.

Mercury looked herself up and down, wiggling her butt a little to get more comfortable. Brute Force couldn’t help imagine his friend was actually Princess Celestia as she made the motion – were he a pegasus, his wings would have been standing on end.

“Oooh, check out my swag! I’m Princess Celestia. I raise the sun! One of these days, Luna. One of these days. Wham! Bam! Straight to the moon!”

Steel Block’s hoof met his face with an armoured clang. “We are going to die.”

As if her impression of Celestia wasn’t enough, Mercury proceeded to walk up and down the room. Though it wasn’t so much a walk as it was a strut. Imitating the models she’s often seen at those fancy shows wearing the latest Sapphire Shores apparel; Mercury wagged her flanks in an exaggerated fashion as she placed one hoof in front of the other…

~~~

“Objection!” Mercury cried derailing the tale. “I did not do a sexy strut. That is preposterous. It was a normal walk. Sir, Steel Block is a liar.”

Steel Block gave a little chuckle. “When have you ever heard me lie? I assure you, sir. That strut had sexy written all over it.”

“I couldn’t less care if she did a moon-walk! Get on with it!” the staff sergeant demanded impatiently.

~~~

“How much do I look like Celestia in this?” Mercury asked as she stopped strutting long enough for the two stallions to properly take in the fact their friend was breaking some very sacred rules.

“It’s close.” Brute Force admitted with a nod. “You’re only missing the horn and the wings. Oh, and the stature. You’re too short. The vestments don’t quite fit. Also, your eyes are off. Ooh-ooh, and your mane isn’t right for...” thinking about Celestia in some more detail; Brute Force was glad he wasn’t a pegasus or his wings would have been standing on end again.

“Alright, alright. I get it.” Mercury huffed before her expression brightened again. “Hey, we should find some other guards and mess with ‘em. Convince ‘em the princess has been transformed into an earth-pony.”

Steel Block was gaping, wondering what kind of idiocy it took to come up with an idea like that. “Are, uh… are you high?” he quickly looked to Brute Force for some support. “Is she high?”

Brute shook his head. “No, no, of course she’s not. Only a rational mind comes up with a plan so freakin’ hair-brained.”

The stallion then stood there for a moment staring at Mercury. Though it was as if he was looking right through her. All he could see was her motions and the motions of the royal vestments. And before long he was seeing Princess Celestia in her place. Those long slender legs working in a trot-on-the-spot. The tone muscles beneath the smooth flank flexing as she paused to wag her hips to an invisible beat. Those gorgeous pink eyes made only more alluring by her bedroom eyes…

“Brute?” Steel Block asked seeing the pony was in a trance.

“I think it’s worth a shot.” Brute Force suddenly agreed to the hair-brained scheme with a dreamy grin.

~~~

The story was once again interrupted by Staff Sergeant Buckshot. Only this time he didn’t say anything. In fact he didn’t do anything. He just stood there, frozen like a statue, eyes screwed shut and a hoof plastered to his face.

Still.

Pondering.

Silent.

And he stayed that way for a good two minutes before the privates figured something might be horribly wrong. Heck, the staff sergeant wasn’t even breathing!

“Aherm.” Brute Force cleared his throat leaning in to check if the sergeant was still alive. “How am I supposed to help I think our princess is hot…? Sarge? Eh… sarge? You okay?”

“Aw, crud. We broke him.” Mercury groaned.

In fact, they did not break him. Sure, if stupidity could be measured in units of mass they’d all be consumed in the black hole generated by Brute Force. But it took more than such idiocy to break Staff Sergeant Buckshot. In fairness though, they certainly came close.

“Keep going.” Buckshot groaned without moving. At least he was still breathing.

~~~

“I said put them back, Merc!” Steel Block’s voice carried out of the royal bedchamber and into the hallway.

Escaping out after the fading sound of his voice, Brute Force stumbled over the threshold and caught his breath. Back inside Steel Block was chasing Mercury around the bed trying to force her to put Celestia’s royal vestments back where she found them. Naturally, Mercury was resistant.

Once out in the hall, Brute trotted to a halt, freezing when he saw what was waiting for him. He iddn utter a sound, didn’t move a muscle and didn’t dare so much as blink.

Behind him Private Mercury skidded out into the hall laughing, still adorned in the golden necklace and the tiara. “Can’t touch this!” she whooped. “We’re not putting ‘em back, I feel too pretty!”

Steel Block stepped out of the room at the same time. “A unique moment, eh?”

“Guys?” Brute Force quietly called to them.

“I already told you, Steel! Nopony is up here!” Mercury said ignoring Brute. “Let’s just have some fun for once. Just one guardspony. It’ll be sweet!”

“Guys?” Brute asked again, whimpering this time.

“Not a chance you degenerate. I don’t wanna die!” Steel Block growled with a glare.

“Guys!” Brute raised his voice.

Sick of his whimpering, both Steel Block and Mercury rounded on the other pony. “What!?” they shouted at the same time.

Brute Force lifted a shaking hoof and pointed at what he was looking at. And slowly the other two took it in.

Princess Luna looked like she had just woken up. Her tiara was crooked and there were sleepy bags under her eyes. But there was an alertness in her stance and expression, despite her still having a bed-head – not an easy look to pull off with a magical mane.

“Oh.” Was all Steel Block could say as the princess of the night glared at the three of them.

Mercury sharply cleared her throat. “Okay, first let me assure you; this is exactly what it looks like.”

Princess Luna’s lips moved as she bellowed out a single word: “Thieves!”

“Okay, then. Maybe not.”

What happened next could only be described as the gates of Tartarus being kicked open… and as such the three earth-ponies took off running with a furious alicorn in their wake.

Blasts of pale light blasted the corridors, singing the air. A moment later Mercury, Brute Force and Steel Block came skittering around the corner, stumbling over themselves as they struggled to get their ironclad hooves to purchase on the polished floor. Crashing into the wall in a tangled heap of earth-pony, the trio quickly pushed off and charged headlong for the stairs leading away from the royal quarters. A moment later Luna followed, her wings fully extended and fluttering to assist with the sharp turn so she wouldn’t stumble like the thieves she seemed intent on vaporising.

“THOU DARE STEAL FROM THINE PRINCESSES!?”Luna’s voice shook the very foundations of Canterlot as she yelled after them.

“We’doth dareth noteth, princesseth!” Brute called back.

“Not helping!” Steel Block scolded.

The trio galloped screaming down the spiralling staircase with blasts of energy hitting the walls at their sides and glancing against their thick armour. The tiara perched on Mercury’s helmet was shattered into a thousand molten globs as Luna landed a lucky hit. Lucky, since it missed the original target and didn’t take the private’s head off.

Launching themselves from the final treads of the staircase the trio wasted no time in sprinting into the dining chamber. Honestly, they were just making up their route as they went along. They didn’t know where they were going, and the dining chamber was simply the next room in their path.

Unfortunately for them, Princess Celestia happened to be having supper with her important guests from Saddle Arabia in the dining hall.

All figures seated at the long table set immaculately in the centre of the cavernous room stiffened as the great doors flew open with a crash that shook the crystal chandeliers above their heads. Shifting only her eyes to look, Princess Celestia watched with wide eyes as three earth-pony guard sprinted around the table, followed almost immediately by Luna. Her younger sister was shouting all sorts of ancient Equestria insults, some of which elicited a blush from the older princess.

A lunar blast slammed into the side of Brute Force’s helmet, glancing at an odd angle and causing the beam of light to crater into the floor. The force of the blow however tossed the pony into the air and sent him crashing down on the dining table. An explosion of dishes and cutlery sprayed into the air as the private continued trying to run even as he landed, sending him ploughing through a cake Princess Celestia had been looking forward to trying.

Bursting out the other side, Brute Force slid from the table top to the side of his fellow privates again and all three of them ran screaming out the other end of the dining hall.

“Mommy-eeeeeeee!” Brute Force wailed trailing tears from the corners of his eyes.

“She’s gone loco in the coco!” Steel Block bellowed.

“Everypony for themselves!” Mercury shouted. “Mares and foals last!”

As the four of them charged out the other end of the chamber, Celestia blinked a few times confoundedly. All she really could do is look to her sides to take in the similarly stunned expressions of her Saddle Arabian guests. Assessing the situation quickly, the immortal princess did what she did best in moments of duress.

She remained calm, levitated a delicate cup of steaming tea on a golden cloud to her lips and took a sip before chuckling softly. “So! As you can see there is never a dull moment in Equestria!” she said calmly to her silent guests.

Luckily, they seemed to chuckle at the awkwardness of the situation. A sound that was quickly drowned out by the voices shouting in the next room.

“Come and meet your maker, defiler of purity!” Luna bellowed from afar.

Almost immediately there was a reply from one of the ponies she was chasing: “But I don’t wanna meet him! He’s a meanie!”

~~~

“… Princess Celestia called off Princess Luna and then sent us up here. You know the rest.” Steel Block finished up the story for the stunned staff sergeant, quickly adding: “S-sir.”

The trio watched as the staff sergeant took it in. For a moment Buckshot was impossible to read. And then he was all too easy to read. A plethora of expressions washed over him. Anger first. Disappointment next. Finally he transitioned through sadness, confusion and everything in between before resting on his neutral expression again.

Rubbing the bridge of his nose with one hoof, the stallion squeezed his eye shut and sighed heavily.

“Okay, so let me get this straight.” He re-capped slowly. “The three of you left your posts. Broke into Princess Celestia’s bedchamber by kicking the door down. Tried on the royal vestments.”

Brute Force raised his hoof to interrupt. “Only Merc actually tried on the royal vestments so we all shouldn’t really be punished for tha-…”

“Shut it!” Buckshot bellowed before calming himself and continued where he left off. “Tried on the royal vestments. Scared Princess Luna half to death. Blazed a trail of anarchy from the bedchambers to the dining chamber. Upset the Saddle Arabian diplomats. Is that the whole list!?”

“Yes, sir.” The three privates mumbled ashamedly.

Buckshot gave a satisfied nod before a small grin cracked his face. “Please tell me… why shouldn’t I just promote each of your right now?”

The three ponies on trial paused for a moment. Letting that comment sink in they gave each other very confused glances.

Brute Force eventually managed to answer that very odd question. “Because… uh… it would be a very confusing form of punishment?”

Steel Block then suggested: “Maybe because we reached a whole new low?”

Finally, Mercury was the only one smirking confidently: “Because we’re awesome?”

Buckshot ignored all three of them, laughing to himself. with a deep sigh he shook his head like he was trying to explain a confusing concept to a bunch of dim-witted foals.

“Okay, I’ll admit I was furious when I first heard what happened,” – he began – “and if Princess Celestia hadn’t talked to be before I came in here I would have hoof-slapped the three of you so hard the Three Stooges would have felt it.

“It goes entirely against my better judgement telling you this; for fear it might actually encourage you degenerates. Princess Celestia told me to take it easy on you since she’s willing to overlook this little discrepancy. Why, you ask? Because your infinite retardation actually helped her out.

“The Saddle Arabian diplomats loved the little ruckus you caused. They thought you were royal jesters and that you were putting on some kind of show with Princess Luna. They admitted they were unaccustomed to Equestria humour, but it was amusing none the less. You degenerates actually made their visit positively memorable.”

“Th-… that’s good, right?” Brute Force asked in a panic. “Is that good? I think that sounds good, but is it good?”

“Chill, Brute. It’s good.” Steel Block let out a breath of relief.

Brute mimicked the action. “Oh, thank Celestia… literally!”

Buckshot continued: “And because you were honest with me, I’m going to overlook this whole mess. Just as long as you make sure this doesn’t happen again. Deal?”

“What about the colonel, sir?” Steel Block asked bringing up the uncomfortable fact Hard Candy could still burst in at any moment to lay waste to the trio.

Staff Sergeant Buckshot grinned. “The princess and I know how to deal with the colonel.”

It was like she had been standing outside with her ear pressed up against the door just waiting for here cue. Because right then the room’s door flew open.

And in walked Hard Candy. Though walked is probably the wrong word to use. It was more like a charge. She slid to a halt in the centre of the room looking around wildly; literally frothing at the mouth, the look in her fierce eyes spelling out ‘K-I-L-L!’

“I just heard from the royal advisor what happened! Where are they? Where are those idiots!? I’ll kill them!” glancing around the room it didn’t take her that long to spot the privates. Charging closer she squared up to each of the ponies. “There you are! You’re discharged! Every one of you! I’m going to do the paperwork right now! You’re going to be out of my regiment so fast you’re foals ‘ll come into this world wondering what hit ‘em…!” she motioned to say more when an authoritative voice cut across her.

“That won’t be necessary, colonel!” Buckshot barked standing to attention.

Not taking kindly to being interrupted mid-rant, the colonel rounded on the staff sergeant. “I-beg-your-pardon!?” Hard Candy snipped out each word sharply, irritation evident in her voice.

Buckshot’s stance – physical and mental – didn’t waver; not for a second. “These guardsponies were acting under orders, colonel. The princess personally ordered them to act as entertainment for the diplomats. And she chose wisely it seems. Negotiations proved successful thanks to the privates and I was considering commendations.”

“Why wasn’t I made aware of these orders?” Hard Candy immediately snapped in response.

The answer to that one was quite simple, as Buckshot proved. “Because nopony likes you, colonel.” He said simply.

Brute Force resisted the urge to dive under the sergeant’s bed for cover. Mercury considered running for cover anyway. Steel Block braced himself like he was on a front-line waiting for the enemy to charge right into his iron-wing...

Hard Candy stared unblinking at the staff sergeant for a moment, then seemed to give a satisfied nod, accepting that answer like the gospel word of her princess. “… ah. Good work, then. Carry on.”

As quickly as she had barged in, Hard Candy casually trotted out of the staff sergeant’s room leaving the others to their devices. Brute Force’s ears twitched with each fading click of her hoof-steps until they were gone completely.

Turning wide eyed back to Buckshot, the private couldn’t help let out a broad smile and a squeak. “Sarge?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re awesome.”

Staff Sergeant Buckshot chuckled proudly. “I know. Now get out of here ‘fore I change my mind and decide to punish you with some parade-drills.”

Needless to say, the trio didn’t waste any time taking their leave.

~~~

Catching their breath, the trio made their way down to the barracks for the rest of the day. They’d find the darkest corner they could and hide for the rest of the week. Or at least until all this blew over. No point tempting fate. They were lucky enough as it was. And Hard Candy could only be warded off with so much horse-crud.

The shortest route took them by the entrance hall of the Canterlot palace, so that was the route they took. Pacing briskly and trying not to meet the eyes of other guardsponies on guard the trio spoke quietly among themselves.

“That was way too close.” Mercury whispered.

“Oh, now you’re thinking about getting in trouble.” Steel Block rumbled.

Brute Force was literally wringing the sweat from his mane as he followed them with his helmet balanced on his back. “I know she let us off the hook, but I gotta wonder.” He piped up. “Do you think Princess Celestia is angry with us anyway?”

“How the hay am I supposed to know?” Mercury trailed off, leading the way across the edge of the entrance hall.

As his friends trotted ahead of him, Steel Block slowed to a stop. As the sharp clicks of his iron hooves halted with a soft scrape on the polished floor, he found himself gazing across the cavernous chamber. He was looking right at the mighty doors leading out to the bridge leading away from the palace and into the city of Canterlot proper.

He saw them there saying goodbye. Princess Celestia was saying her final goodbyes to the extremely pleased looking Saddle Arabian diplomats. The foreign ponies seemed over the moon. No doubt they were still thinking of the trio’s hilarious display of cowardice in the dining hall earlier.

Steel Block watched as the Saddle Arabians turned and trotted away gleefully with a Royal Guard pegasus escort. As they faded over the brow of the front bridge, Celestia seemed to collapse.

As if she had been holding a breath since the start of the day, the tall princess nearly slumped right to the floor. Her billowing mane drooped over the ground, less like a magical aura and more like a tired puddle of molasses stuck to her head and rear. She even reached up and with a relieved expression wiped the sweat from her brow.

Looking up she saw Steel Block standing there. Recognising him as one of the three guardsponies who had given her guests quite a show, she didn’t glare. In fact, she smiled. Brighter than Steel had ever seen her smile. It was kind of like staring into the sun, and the private had to blink hard a few times just to take it in.

Eventually she mouthed something. Steel Block couldn’t be one hundred percent sure, but he was pretty confident it was the words ‘thank’ and ‘you’ chained together.

With that the princess turned away and walked away slowly in the direction of the royal bedchambers. No doubt she was going to disappear into a hot bath for the rest of the day.

“I bet she’ll come to her senses later and send us to the sun.” Brute Force grimaced from across the chamber.

Turning, Steel Block quickly broke into a trot to catch up. “Y’know; I’m thinking maybe she isn’t mad!” he called to his friends.

“What makes you say that?” Mercury asked suspiciously.

“Oh, just a hunch.”

The Usual Spiel

The Usual Spiel

The foal was tiny. Everything about him was tiny. Gangly little legs, puny wings that fluttered like a nervous tick; he barely stood up to Brute Force’s fetlock.

So naturally he was practically a speck of brown and white when compared to Steel Block.

But it wasn’t the fact he was being towered over by two guardsponies that got him crying. It couldn’t have been, since the duo had found him like that. He was practically flooding the hallway with tears. Brute Force had made a crack about somepony fetching a mop, only serving to increase the waterworks and earning the private a buck in the ribs from Steel Block.

“Oh, c’mon, kid. It’s okay if you don’t understand my jokes.” Brute Force tried as the foal’s cries echoed through the palace halls. “I’m kind of high-brow like that.” He gave a big cheesy grin.

It didn’t work.

“I want my mommy-eeeeee!” the foal wailed.

“Don’t we all?” Brute Force muttered with a chuckle.

What followed was a distinct clang of metal on metal as Steel Block’s hoof met his friend’s helmet again. Seeing Brute recoil from the blow, the foal managed to stop crying long enough to see Steel Block lower himself to the ground. Tucking his armoured hooves under himself, the way he sat certainly made himself less intimidating, especially since he’d removed his helmet and lowered his head.

“Hey, why don’t you calm down and tell us what happened?” Steel Block said in a soft, soothing voice that didn’t quite go with his imposing build.

Sniffling loudly, the foal rubbed some of the tears from his cheeks, looking up at Steel Block. “I was on a tour with my mommy. But I went to look at something and when I came back everypony was gone!” his lip started to tremble. “What if she doesn’t know I’m gone? What if she leaves without meeeee!?” again the flood-gates opened.

Despite that Steel Block smiled and gave a chuckle. “Easy, kid! Easy. It’s okay, I’m sure she knows you’re gone and she’s looking for you right now. I bet she’s not that far away either.”

“How do you know?” the foal sniffed.

“I’m a guardpony.” Steel reasoned. “I know everything. My friend though, he’s a one-of-a-kind dummy though.”

The foal giggled, earning a roll of Brute Force’s eyes.

“Oh, his jokes you laugh at? Fine, you want juvenile? Here, let’s get juvenile.” Brute Force started pulling faces. He stuck his tongue out and crossed his eyes, flapping his ears wildly. Though it was intended to look funny…

Well, the foal’s fresh cries of terror properly described how scary it was.

Jumping to his hooves, Steel Block snapped: “Brute, what the heck are you doing?” – Brute continued pulling faces, causing the foal to shrink in fear against one of Steel’s armoured legs – “Brute, you’re scaring the poor kid…” – rolling his eyes, Brute stuck out his tongue and peeled back his nose pulling a particularly terrifying face – “Scratch that, you’re scaring me too.”

A whimper caught Steel Block’s attention and he saw the foal was trying to hide behind him. Grinning, Steel Block sighed. “Don’t worry kid.” Reaching out he cuffed Brute over the helmet again. “There, the scary faces are gone.”

When Brute Force felt the ringing in his ears from that last blow fade, Steel Block added: “You’re kind of crud with kids, aren’t you?” – Brute Force shrugged as Steel lowered himself beside the foal again – “Don’t worry about my friend, kid. He’s an idiot. How about we find your mom, eh? She can’t have gotten too far. C’mon, you can ride on my back.”

“Really?” that seemed to brighten the foal’s expression quite a bit. Clearly he was a fan of pony-back rides.

“Hop aboard, cap’n!” Steel Smiled.

The foal didn’t hesitate. It took a bit of a run up, but he managed to jump on the stallion’s armoured back with a good bounce. As soon as he landed, Steel Block pretended to groan and stumble before slowly straightening up on shaking legs.

“Whoa-ho-ho. You are a heavy stallion. Sheesh!” Steel Block cried out as he slotted his helmet back on his head. “You work out much?”

“I like doing potato-sack races!” the foal beamed proudly flexing a foreleg.

“Yeah, buddy! It shows!” Steel Block chuckled as he started moving. With Brute following with a fascinated expression on his face, the private trotted the way the foal had come before breaking down in tears in front of them. “Look at you! I should be sitting on your back!”

The foal giggled as they trotted around a corner following the next stretch of hallway. Tall stained glass windows, murals and empty suits of ancient armour passed them by as they moved searching. All three of their heads swivelled to look in every open door and ever branching hallway as they trotted swiftly through the palace.

Eventually, their search paid off.

“Thimble!” a mare’s voice cried. “There you are.”

Trotting to a halt, the two guardsponies turned around a corner where the voice was coming from. Not far away there was a tour-group of ponies, most of them with cameras dangling around their necks. A few of the unicorns quickly snapped pictures of the two guardsponies with the foal.

“Mommy!” the foal cried happily sliding from Steel Block’s back.

Breaking from the tour group a plump grayish-earth-brown pegasus nearly galloped right into the two stallions standing to either side of her son, Thimble.

“I’ve looked everywhere for you! Where did you go?” Thimble’s mother fussed, nuzzling the tiny pegasus’ messy mane. Satisfied her son was safe and intact she looked up to Brute Force and Steel Block. “I’m so sorry he had to bother you.”

“Oh, it’s alright, ma’am.” Brute Force grinned politely. “We love kids, right Steel?”

Steel Block didn’t answer. Instead he lowered his head down to Thimble’s level. "Alright, buddy. You stay close to your mother now, okay?” – the foal nodded quickly – “Good boy. Top shelf!” he added holding out his hoof.

Smiling broadly the foal met the guardspony’s hoof with a light bump.

“Hahaa! Alright!” grinning to Thimble’s mother who was beaming, Steel Block gave a polite nod. “Enjoy the tour, ma’am.”

Thanking them both, the mare took her son back to the tour group, and the privates watched the civilians go. Though Brute Force wasn’t watching them. He still had a fascinated expression on his face as he looked sideways at his friend.

“I had no idea you were good with foals.” Brute Force admitted.

“I learned it from you.”

“Really? Cool…” Brute Force looked proud of himself for a moment… before he realised what Steel Block was implying. “Heeeeey!”

~~~

Private Mercury was like a fly on the wall. She was a ghost in the shadows. Unseen. Unnoticeable. Pressed up against the wall with her head peeking around the corner, she was like a super-spy overhearing secret plans of pure evil. A super-hero ready to pounce on a villain plotting global domination.

She was ready for anything.

“Hi, Merc!”

“Gah!” the mare squealed girlishly – a tone unbefitting of her athletic build.

Whirling around she saw Steel Block standing behind her, Brute Force grinning like an idiot by his side.

“What’cha up ‘ta?” Brute asked.

“Don’t answer that.” Steel Block jokingly warned. “Something tells me I don’t want to know.”

Mercury immediately shushed them. “Sssshhhhhh!” she gestured them to keep their voices down as she peeked around the corner again.

Steel and Brute glanced at each other before sneaking over and joining her. Brute Force popped his head around underneath Mercury’s, with Steel Block peeking around above. And the first thing they saw was Sergeant Who standing down the corridor, just inside of earshot.

“Oh, you have got to get a life.” Brute Force whispered realising Mercury had been spying on the human.

“Look who’s with him.” Mercury lowered her voice ominously identifying the lavender blob beside the NCO. “Sparkle.”

It wasn’t that she was sparkling. It was her name. The unicorn standing beside Who was Twilight Sparkle. The same lavender unicorn with the pink streak in her hair from Ponyville. The same protégé of Princess Celestia. The same sister of Captain-slash-Prince Shining Armour.

Down the hall, neither of them were aware of the earth-ponies spying on them and they conversed calmly.

“I don’t know how I can thank you properly, sir.” Twilight said with a bright smile.

Who barely reacted. He was standing in his usual eased stance, feet spaced comfortably with his back straight and hands clasped behind his back. “Pease, Miss Sparkle. No need to call me sir, I work for a living. It’s just Who.”

“In that case you should call me Twilight.” Twilight Sparkle responded; liking that. “So thank you, Who.”

“It was the least I could do, ma’am… er… Twilight.” The sergeant quickly corrected.

“I know! I could make this up to you. The next time you have time off why don’t you come down to Ponyville? My friends and I could show you around. There’s plenty to do for a relaxing weekend away.”

It seemed the human actually thought it over for a second. But only for a second. “We’ll see, ma’am.”

Twilight seemed pleased with the answer since it wasn’t a no. “Look forward to it. How about I go get Shining Armour while you prepare?”

Back up the hall, Mercury scowled as she realised the two of them were getting all buddy-buddy.

Pulling a face like she had just bitten into a rotten lemon, the mare gritted her teeth. “They’re up to something. They’re planning something against the captain. And we’re going to find out what!”

“Why? It’s not like Miss Sparkle would let Who do anything harmful to her older brother.” Brute Force reasoned cleverly.

“Brute’s right.” Steel Block agreed.

“I am?”

“Don’t get used to it.” Steel Block added so his friend wouldn’t get too excited. “Anyway, they’re probably just working out what to get him for his birthday or something.”

“We have to be sure. For the sake of Equestria!” Mercury raised her voice dramatically.

Steel Block had a much more interesting case to solve. “Here’s a more interesting mystery. Why does Merc care so much? What are you; jealous Who’s spending time with another mare?”

“Jealous!? Ha! What does the little bookworm have that I could possibly be jealous of?”

“Other than a large amount of friends, impressive magical prowess, national hero status, vast intellect and infinite relationship possibilities thanks to a likeable personality? Oh; nothing.” Steel jibed with a grin.

“Ah, what do you know…?” Mercury trailed off as she saw Twilight Sparkle canter out of sight leaving the sergeant alone. “Oooh, here’s our chance. Follow me.”

Steel and Brute looked at each other while Mercury slipped around the corner and crept up behind the sergeant on tip-hooves. Shrugging, the stallions quickly followed, curious to see how this would turn out. No doubt badly for Mercury, but they wanted to be around when this all exploded in her face.

Sergeant Who watched Twilight Sparkle trot around a corner to fetch the captain. Turning, he went to see to his own business when he stopped. Three figures stood between him and the door he was intending to open. Three figures known for shenanigans.

It was no wonder Who’s hand instinctively rested on the hilt of his sword.

“Hi, sarge.” Mercury greeted. Her voice was dripping with something, the sergeant just hadn’t figured out what yet. “How are you doing?”

The human sighed. “And shouldn’t you be doing something useful with your life?”

“Eavesdropping is totally useful.” Private Mercury defended as she nodded in the direction Miss Sparkle had disappeared. “What was that all about?”

“I was escorting Miss Twilight Sparkle.” Who answered honestly. It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was all the trio needed to know.

“Looked like it... not fooling around with the captain’s little sister, are you?” Mercury suddenly blurted out.

“What?” Brute Force squeaked hearing that.

Mercury continued regardless. “... sittin’ in a tree together practicing your Francais...?”

“Merc, are you serious?” Brute snickered figuring she couldn’t be.

“... maybe re-arranging her collection of various mistletoe sub-species?”

Realising she was being serious, Brute Force’s expression drooped. “Merc, you’re scaring me.” – he looked up to the human and reconsidered the phrase – “Scratch that, sarge is scaring me now.”

Who certainly didn’t look happy. His eyebrows were knit together, narrowing his eyes venomously. It was the first time any of them had ever seen him angry. And they didn’t like it one bit… well, Steel and Brute didn’t. Mercury didn’t seem to care either way. “What do you want, private?”

“I want all the soggy, squishy details.” Mercury said in a hushed voice.

Who sighed as he weighed his three choices. One; he could lodge a formal complaint with her commanding officer suggesting a reprimand. Two; he could ignore the blatant insubordination, pull rank and force her to scram. Or three; death threats.

The first two were unsatisfying, so he went with door-number-three.

“Private, I have a sword. I will use it on you if you don’t go away now.” Who warned as he let his glare ease.

Mercury didn’t move with a confident grin on her face. And she didn’t look like she was going to believe any of Who’s threats. She stood her ground, even though even Steel Block was shifting uncomfortably.

Sergeant Who glanced the way Twilight had gone. Any minute now she’d return with Shiny, and if the captain saw him everything would be ruined.

“Fine.” He hissed stepping past the ponies. Reaching the door across the corridor he quickly wrenched it open and waved them in. “You wanna know what I was seeing Twilight Sparkle for? All your details are inside.”

The three earth-ponies frowned, peering into the room beyond the door. It was dark inside. Pitch black in fact. They couldn’t see a thing.

“Well?” Who continued urgently.

Sharing a few confused glances, the three ponies shrugged and trotted over, filing into the dark room. As they entered, they glanced back to see Who’s silhouette slip in behind them before the door closed. Without the rectangle of light spilling into the room, none of the earth-ponies could see anything.

Mercury held up her hoof to her face, but she couldn’t even see that. “Hey, why is it so dark in here?” she suddenly squeaked as something hard bumped into her rump. It didn’t move though, remaining planted on her armoured flank. “Hey, whose hoof is that? Brute, is that you?”

“Mmaaaaybeee.” Came Brute Force’s foalishly sheepish voice.

Slap!

The sound pierced through the silent darkness, followed quickly by Steel Block’s voice. “Ow! The hay, Merc!?”

“Oops. Sorry, Steel” Mercury apologised quickly fumbling in the dark. “Where are you Brute? Time for your medicine!”

Slap! Another crack of a hoof meeting a pony. Only this time it wasn’t a familiar voice that replied.

“Ow!” came a high-pitched squeal.

Startled, Mercury froze. “What the-… who the hay is that?”

“Pinkie Pie!” the voice replied in the darkness.

“What the heck is a Pinkie Pie!?”

The trio heard the door open once again spilling a rectangle of light into the darkness. Standing framed in the doorway was a distinct unicorn’s figure. Captain Shining Armour was impossible mistake – standing there about as confused and stunned as Privates Brute Force, Mercury and Steel Block.

Shining Armour’s reaction mirrored that of the privates as he was pushed inside. “Hey, why is it so dark in he-…” the captain didn’t get to finish.

“SURPRISE!” three dozen voices – maybe even more – cheered as one while the lights flicked on all at once.

The three privates felt their hearts stop. And they weren’t the only ones in shock. As the lights in the room flashed on they could distinctly see Captain Shining Armour was stunned. His mane stood on end, his horn sparking with surprise like he was on the verge of charging up a defensive spell – the sight of many ponies throwing confetti and streamers the only thing stopping him from blasting everypony. His eyes were like dishes, and they imagined he would have been screaming ‘ambush’ were it not for the banners reading ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHINING ARMOUR’ hanging from the ceiling.

Turning on the spot, Brute Force managed to take in the other surprise party guests before he noticed a distinct flash of light.

Sergeant Who was standing nearby with a camera in his hands. His finger pounded the shutter and the device let off a click, firing out a sharp flash of light to illuminate a single moment in time. With a whir a picture popped out of the slot underneath the lens, which the sergeant snatched up and gave a shake as the polaroid faded from black into a recognisable image.

Forever the captain’s surprised expression would be immortalised in the colourful polaroid. A picture Who might hang up in the barracks for all to marvel at for the next few weeks. Shining Armour wasn’t alone in the image though. Twilight Sparkle had photo-bombed him, jumping on her brother’s back just as Who had snapped the image.

Looking up from the picture as he pocketed it and tucked away the camera, Sergeant Who saw Twilight was hugging her brother tightly; the captain smiling now too.

“Happy birthday, big-brother-best-friend-forever!” Twilight Sparkle cried.

Shining Armour could barely form words to express himself at first. Eventually though he was able to muddle together an intelligible sentence. “Wow, Twiley! I had no idea… did you set all this up?”

Twilight nodded and shook her head at the same time. “I wouldn’t have been able to do it without Sergeant Who’s help!” she added enthusiastically.

Following her glance towards the human, Shining Armour shot the sergeant a mock glare. Grinning, Who just folded his arms across his chest and shrugged.

In moments the party was already in full swing. Twilight’s friend Pinkie Pie was setting up a boombox beating out tunes while Rarity – in an elegant dress fit for royalty – was encouraging some ponies on the dance-floor. Her other friends were there too; Applejack helping guests at the buffet, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were breaking out some of the games, staring with a round of pin-the-tail-on-the-pony. A crowd was forming around Shining Armour as he crossed the room slowly; being wished a happy birthday from everypony.

Who calmly made his way to the edge of the room and leaned up against one of the pillars set into the walls. Planting his right boot sole-flat up against the brickwork, the human stood by in a lonely relaxed fashion watching the party carry on. If anypony were to ask him, he’d probably tell them he didn’t like parties very much. The truth of the matter was he felt a little like a fish out of water. In his homeworld the party would have descended into a drunken mess by now. This party on the other hand was so pleasant, it was kind of a shock to the system – regardless how much time he’d spent in Equestria thus far.

Glancing to his side he saw a figure trot up beside him. It was Private Brute Force. His helmet was hanging from one of the pouches mounted on his armour, revealing a rather innocent expression on his face. He was up to something; that much was evident.

“Sorry we were eaves-dropping on you earlier, sarge. Mercury had us convinced you were planning to assassinate the captain and take his place.” Brute Force lied with a straight face. “I’ll never doubt you again sarge. I got your back.”

Who narrowed his eyes, sensing a ruse. Brute wouldn’t suck up like that unless he had an agenda. “What do you want, private?”

Blinking a few times, the pony quickly averted his gaze and locked on to a bowl of fruity looking liquid. “Hey, is that punch?” Ah, that’s what he’s after. Who saw the private look up at him innocently like a loyal dog waiting for permission to go chase after a squirrel.

Who gave a short nod, quickly adding a condition. “Don’t make yourself sick.”

With a big smile, the private zipped across the room faster than any pegasus could have. He was practically swimming in the punch bowl within seconds, scooping himself up a big glass right to the rim.

Another patter of hooves caught the sergeant’s attention, and looking to his other side he saw Mercury and Steel Block trot up to his side. Steel had that usual neutral expression, but Mercury was looking pretty disappointed with herself.

“So you were just planning a surprise birthday party with Twilight Sparkle?” the mare asked.

Who nodded. “Well what else would we have been doing?” he asked with a shrug.

Mercury grinned at that, tapping her lip with a hoof thoughtfully. “I can think of a thing or two... so, uh...” she added a little timidly batting her eyes up at the human. “Since Twilight Sparkle is strictly business – you’re still single then?”

“Eey-nnope.” Who snapped before straightening up and walking away.

“W-wait… what?” Mercury blinked a few times as she watched the human go. She hadn’t heard anything about the sergeant having a marefriend. When did that happen? Quickly she turned her panicked expression. “Do you know about this?”

Steel Block didn’t meet her eye. “Maybe.”

“Seriously, he has a marefriend? Who is it? Where does she live? Who do I have to murder? Do you know?” she quickly fired off one question after the other, causing them to nearly blur together.

“Eey-nnope.” Steel Block answered in a similar fashion to the sergeant before trotting off with a sly smirk.

Suddenly realising they were jerking her around, Mercury scoffed with a sarcastic nod. “Oh… right. I see what’s going on. That’s cute. Very clever. Two of you in cahoots. I see now who my real friends are!” she cried slyly after Steel Block as he bowed gracefully to a particularly pretty mare in a dress; offering a dance. Mercury’s view of the stallion being escorted to the dance floor was obscured when Brute Force trotted across her line of sight. “Hey, Brute…” she called moving forward.

As she moved, she intended to reach out and buck him lightly in the shoulder to get the stallion’s attention. Her hoof missed though, and she knocked the plastic cup balanced on his back to one side. His glass of punch scattered across the floor and Brute Force watched – stunned – as his precious drink spread out into an un-enjoyable puddle.

His lip trembled. A twitch of the eye. And then a single droplet of water. A single neat tear rolled from the corner of his eye down his cheek.

Rounding on Mercury, Brute Force looked like he was on the verge of bawling like the foal he and Steel Block had found lost in the palace earlier that day. “This is why we can’t have nice things!”

Mercury’s hoof met her own helmet with a distinct clang. “Oh, brother…”

Meanwhile across the room, Who’s progress was halted. He had been intending to go wish the captain a happy birthday before taking his leave. After all, he had more ‘officer-assessments’ in the morning to prepare for.

He was foiled however by a voice. It was quite bubbly and kind, but it still held a regal air expected of a figure with authority. Missing a step, Who turned to see Princess Mi Amore Cadenza trotting towards him, calling out to him at the same time.

Princess Cadence – as she preferred to be called – was always a bit of a recluse to the sergeant. It wasn’t that he doubted her worthy of the title ‘princess,’ it was just the title seemed just a title for her. He wasn’t sure what it was Cadence actually did. Princess Celestia ruled over the day. Princess Luna ruled over the night. But Princess Cadence?

Who had heard some stuff about her spreading love everywhere she went, but beyond that he knew nothing about her. He figured the brass didn’t want to burden all guard divisions with the details of every member of the regal family. So whatever Princess Cadence actually did, that much was the Cadenza Guard’s problem – as much as whatever it was Prince Blueblood actually did was the Blueblood Guard’s problem.

Having said that, Who knew darn well that Blueblood really didn’t do anything.

Princess Cadence was built very much like Princesses Celestia and Luna, while significantly shorter. Her tiara was less extravagant, and she opted for a more conventional mane over the magical aura that gave the other two princesses their god-like appearance. Still, she was a colourful alicorn. Light rose coat and two varying shades in her mane and tail with a streak of gold run through.

Who always thought her voice was quite bubbly. No surprise, since he thought she looked bubbly too.

Quickly turning to face the princess, Who tried to bow. She didn’t let him. “Sergeant, this is wonderful. Thank you so much for organising this surprise!” the princess said cheerfully.

Before he could stop her she lifted her head high and nuzzled Who’s exposed neck. Saving face – and trying to keep her horn from having his eyes out – Who quickly stepped back.

Who figured it was too late to stand at attention, so he stood at ease. “It was nothing, your highness.” The sergeant admitted with an air of humility. “I just organised the venue and logistics. Twilight Sparkle did most of the heavy lifting.”

“Then I shall thank her immediately.” The princess announced, right before adding playfully: “Right after I’m done thanking you.”

Once again she was moving faster than the sergeant could react, and Who was cursing himself for letting himself be blind-sided by a pampered princess. He was a soldier for cripes-sake! He was supposed to be blind-siding her.

Rearing back, Cadence spread out her wings for balance and planted her golden hooves on the human’s armoured chest. Craning her neck she gave him a thankful peck on the cheek, causing the guard to visibly flinch. She didn’t notice however as she dropped down and happily trotted off to find Twilight Sparkle.

Left standing there quite stunned, Who felt like he was expelling dragon-fire out every pore on his face. He must have been noticeably red because there was a laugh beside him. Turning his head he saw Shining Armour had been standing beside him.

“Yeah, she has that effect on me too.” The captain chuckled as the human quickly composed himself. “So! Throwing a surprise party for your commanding officer? I think this might just affect your assessment, sergeant.”

“… shut up and have some cake, sir.”

The Coronation

The Coronation

Few events brought crowds in such throngs to Canterlot. Among such events were the Summer Sun Festival or a Princess’ Birthday. One other event would bring such masses of ponies from all walks of life, all across Equestria and beyond to the capitol. Only one event that could be called bigger than Princess Luna’s birthday – and she could throw one heck of a birthday rave.

The only thing that outshone any other festivity was a coronation. If there was one thing ponies loved more than their princesses, it was welcoming a new princess into their loving embrace.

But today they weren’t just welcoming any princess to the ranks. This was bigger than any coronation since that of Princess Celestia herself. This was the coronation of a very well-known mare. She had on multiple occasions brought Equestria back from the brink of infinite doom. She was something of a hero.

This was the coronation of Twilight Sparkle.

As such, a lot of ponies were watching in anticipation. Today had to go off without a hitch. It had to be flawless. It had to be perfect.

Naturally Brute Force was pretty nervous.

“Okay, so we’ve practiced the steps,” – Brute Force paced up and down in front of Twilight Sparkle as she watched him go back and force with a curious expression – “remember not to rush it. Take your time. Don’t leave the choir in your dust. And make sure to keep your wings spread just like the other princesses.”

Cocking an eyebrow, Twilight Sparkle looked back to see her brand new wings in a spread position; the same way they had been since she took the lead position of the parade group. She knew they were ready to move on Princess Celestia’s cue. It was all rehearsed, everything was planned. The princess would finish her speech and welcome ‘Princess’ Twilight Sparkle for the presentation of her crown. She’d calmly walk the aisle backed by a choir and ceremonial guard. Behind the gold-clad unicorns would be Archer Company from the Sol Guard, temporarily on loan to the provisional Twilight Guard. The only ponies in front of Twilight Sparkle were the four select earth-ponies instructed to hold the ballroom doors open for her. Yet instead of taking his post, Brute Force was making sure the soon-to-be-crowned princess was ready.

Even though she was perfectly ready already.

“Oh, are those ribbons on straight?” Brute Force suddenly fussed leaning in to get a better look at the hem of her dress.

“They’re fine, Brute Force.” Twilight Sparkle chuckled.

“What about your fringe? Is it-…”

“It’s fine!” the lavender alicorn said more forcefully, though her smile didn’t fade. “Are you nervous?”

“N-nervous?” Brute Force stammered nervously. “Why would I be nervous? I’m not nervous. You should be nervous. What if this doesn’t go well? Oh, sweet Celestia what if we muddle this up? The whole of Equestria will be laughing at us! Princess Celestia will be furious. She’ll banish us to the moon for sure!”

Standing off to the side, Staff Sergeant Buckshot and Private Steel Block watched as Brute sent himself spiralling into a freak-out session. Both of them grinned at how Twilight seemed to take Brute Force’s behaviour in her calm stride.

“Shouldn’t you be reprimanding him or something, sarge?” Steel Block asked.

Buckshot shook his head. “Nah. It’s funnier watching him torture himself.”

Meanwhile, ahead of Twilight Sparkle, Private Mercury stood pressed up against the grand ballroom doors. She was holding them at a crack and peeking inside to make sure they didn’t miss their cue to open up. From where she stood she shot Brute Force a disgruntled glare.

“Would you chill? All you have to do is open a freakin’ door!” Mercury hissed. “Now be quiet. I’m trying to-…”

A warm motherly voice wafted through the crack between the doors, swirling right over the private’s head and echoing down the corridor. It was the soothing maternal voice of Princess Celestia, and it sounded like she was beginning her speech.

“We are gathered here today in celebration of a momentous occasion.” – Princess Celestia began – “My most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle; has done many extraordinary things since she has lived in Ponyville. She even helped re-unite me with my sister, Princess Luna.

“But today Twilight Sparkle did something extraordinary.”

Turning a wide smirk to her comrades as they shuffled into position, Mercury said: “I thought extraordinary was just another day in the office for the Sparklefairy.”

As Staff Sergeant Buckshot took position beside the private he smacked her across the back of her head. “That’s Princess Sparklefairy to you, private.” He scolded, earning a chuckle from the nearby alicorn.

“She created new magic,” – the solar princess continued as Brute Force and Steel Block took position by the other door, ready to swing it open when their cue came. Brute Force could feel sweat pinprick his forehead in anticipation – “proving without a doubt that she is ready to be crowned Equestria’s newest princess.”

“This is it!” Mercury hissed, lowering her centre of gravity like she was ready to pounce. “We’re coming up on our cue.”

Buckshot lifted his head to the concession. “Positions everypony!”

He got several nods as the choir-mares cleared their throats and the following guardsponies stood to attention.

Brute Force was hopping from hoof to hoof in quick succession, pumping himself up. “Yeah! Let’s do it! I’m ready! Get hype! I’m pumped! You pumped?” he nearly bellowed rounding on the private beside him.

Steel Block just cuffed him upside the head, getting him to calm down.

“Fillies and gentlecolts! May I present for the very first time; Princess Twilight Sparkle!”

The four earth-ponies heaved, throwing their shoulders against the heavy doors. Twilight Sparkle closed her eyes and took a deep calming breath. Light spilled from the ballroom into the dim corridor. It washed out everything, piercing their retinas and all everypony could see for a while was bright white.

The sound hit them like a rushing wind, causing the ends of Twilight’s mane to shift. Scores of ponies – honoured guests from near and far – cheered. Slowly the light in her eyes faded and she made out the rows of ponies to the left and right. Leading right up the centre was the red carpet leading to balcony on the far end of the ballroom.

There, atop a small set of steps and under the flower-dotted archway stood three princesses and a very familiar group of five mares. Waiting with the princesses of Equestria and her five best friends was also her baby-dragon assistant, Spike, holding a cushion on which Twilight’s crown rested. Twilight spotted her parents too, her mother tearing up with pride.

Wearing a smile from ear to ear, she glanced sideways at the earth-ponies who all gracefully bowed. Stepping forward, Twilight Sparkle approached the princesses on the far end of the ballroom.

“The Princess Twilight cometh; behold-behold.” The acoustic choir of earth-pony mares sang, their voices sweet as honey. “A princess here before us; behold-behold…”

As Twilight Sparkle was reaching the quarter-way point of her walk up the aisle, the earth-ponies straightened up from their bow. And that was when they saw it. One of the clean white banners hanging over head came loose. Whoever had been decorating clearly hadn’t tied the decorations down properly, and one of the banners came fluttering down with the intent of landing right on Twilight Sparkle’s head.

Seeing it, Staff Sergeant Buckshot felt a shot of adrenaline spike his system. “Falling banner, twelve o’clock. Mercury-…?”

“On it, sarge!” Mercury cried in a hushed tone that didn’t pierce the voices of the choir.

Anticipating the order, the fastest of the earth-pony zipped across the ballroom. She lunged right past Twilight Sparkle, none in the parade even noticing her. Catching the banner mid-leap in her teeth she gave it a tug so it rippled higher into the air and wouldn’t cross the concession’s path. While it fluttered, Mercury quickly wrapped the long white banner in her hooves and tucked it between the ponies watching the coronation.

Looking up to meet her gaze; Mercury just gave a quick salute and Twilight Sparkle smiled thankfully without a pause in her step.

Stonewall Company’s work was far from done. Even as Mercury was making sure Twilight Sparkle’s style wasn’t being ruined by a badly hung banner, Staff Sergeant Buckshot noticed a particular colt in the crowds.

“Steel Block, we got a psycho-fan! Shut ‘em down!” he ordered.

Steel Block nodded, silently galloping in the direction the sergeant pointed. “Hoo-ah!”

Sighting his target, Steel Block could understand the staff sergeant’s concerns. The colt had a bouquet of roses clenched in his teeth and was bouncing on the spot. He looked ready to throw himself at Twilight Sparkle as she neared where he stood watching. There were literally hearts throbbing in his eyes.

As she passed, Twilight must have seen him hopping up and down. Seeing the eager colt, she closed her eyes and smiled kindly at him. While her head turned to the opposite row of cheering ponies, the psycho-fan grinned around the flowers lodged in his teeth.

It’s now or never, the pony thought to himself as he took a step forward. His hoof crossed the threshold of the velvet carpet and touched down. But only for a brief moment.

An ironclad hoof stomped down next to his, causing the fan to recoil. Looking up he saw a large figure obscuring his view of the mare of his desire. Between the fan and Twilight Sparkle stood Steel Block. The stallion was big enough to take up the fan’s whole field of view and more. And his eyes were centred right on Steel Block’s narrow eyed glare.

The fan opened his mouth to say something. He was going to appeal to the guardspony; talk about true love, star-crossed lovers and soul-mates meant to be. But all Steel Block had to do was lean forward and shake his head ominously.

The fan snapped his mouth shut again before gulping. Satisfied the colt wouldn’t do anything stupid, Steel Block stepped back and trotted on to keep up with the parade.

“That mare is wandering off course, Brute Force.” Buckshot continued to order in a hushed tone.

Seeing one of the choir-mares was indeed wandering out of line, Brute Force nodded. “Say no more.”

Zipping up beside the singing earth-pony, Brute Force walked alongside the mare and gave her shoulder a subtle nudge with his armoured flank. With a single little shove she was back in line with the rest of the ponies in the parade, and Brute Force quickly peeled off before he was noticed.

Their troubles didn’t end there though. It was amazing how much could go wrong in just a few moments. But Staff Sergeant Buckshot was on the ball, hissing orders to the ponies under his command.

“Brute Force, straighten that carpet before Miss Sparkle breaks her neck!”

“Done!”

“Mercury, stop those colts before that water-balloon is thrown!”

“Right-oh!”

“Steel Block, get that unicorn to keep his chin up!”

“Aye, sir!”

“Straighten that standard! Work the ruffles out of that dress! Sweep up that confetti!”

By the time Twilight Sparkle reached the foot of the steps, the three earth-ponies were exhausted. Slumped over each other back at the doors, Staff Sergeant Buckshot stood over them proudly, watching as Princess Celestia levitated the crown onto Miss Sparkle’s head, and Princess Twilight sparkle took her rightful position beside Princesses Luna and Cadence.

She’d reached the far end of the room without incident.

“Behold-behold;” the choir-mares continued to sing over the thunderous applause, even after peeling off and taking their positions to the side of the ballroom. – “the Princess Twilight cometh. Behold-behold…” their voices faded as the princesses all trotted out onto the balcony to address the crowds outside all across Canterlot.

As the guests inside were gathered around the balcony for Twilight Sparkle’s speech, the four earth-ponies stood by their lonesome at the ballroom doors. Their job for the day was done.

“Mission accomplished, Stonewall.”

Brute Force chuckled where he lay panting like a dog, his tongue rolling out the side of his mouth. “Well that was pretty freakin’ ninja.”

Buckshot reached into his chest-plate and produced his signature cigar stub. Screwing it into his mouth he beamed proudly. “Drinks are on me tonight, kids.”

Exhaustedly following the sergeant, Mercury, Brute Force and Steel Block all smiled weakly. All just another day in the sand-box.

“Hoo-ah!”

~~~

Princess Twilight Sparkle’s first address to her loving subjects was a heartfelt one. A little self-serving maybe, but through the thick veils of soppy friendship it was hard to hate it.

Though had Who been crowned a princess of a land of magic and happiness, he’d probably come up a much more self-serving speech. Though we might never know, since Who’s chances of being a princess were very slim – being a boy and all.

The human stood by the balcony archway as Twilight Sparkle was addressing the masses. He was at ease, his hand clasped behind his back and his eyes staring off into the distance. His opposite, a unicorn from Archer Company was standing by the far end of the balcony with a similar stance. His chest was pushed out, chin up and eyes vacant yet alert. Both of them were listening in, but they weren’t letting the tugging of heartstrings distract them.

While Princess Twilight was talking, Princess Celestia stepped back and turned to the human. Nopony noticed her approach the alien member of the Royal Guard, all too focused on the newest princess.

“Commander Who?” came the tall alicorn’s address of the human in a kind tone. “Would you care to join us on the balcony?”

Who had instinctively moved to stand to attention, but froze halfway with a start. He let a subtle frown ripple over his face and he actually had to turn his head to check his new rank tabs to be sure. His shoulders were adorned with his brand new lieutenant-rank-markings. He had passed his assessments for promotion and had been given his new rank shortly before Twilight Sparkle’s transformation into an alicorn.

Celestia must have been aware of the change, and she was aware of the Royal Guard structure. So why did she just call him commander?

“Y-your highness?” Lieutenant Who stammered as he stared through the princess. “You’ll have to forgive me, but I haven’t been briefed to partake in ceremonial formalities. I was unaware I was acting commander.”

Princess Celestia just smiled. “Oh? Shining Armour, would you care to explain?” she added, turning her head to her side.

A unicorn quickly trotted up beside her. Shining Armour was in usual ‘prince-attire,’ his bright red uniform with a golden collar and toggles fitted neatly over his groomed fur. Who was privy to many barracks jokes that talked about Shining Armour fitting the role of namby-pamby prince better than captain of the guard. The truth behind the jibes were never more evident than seeing him standing there. He carried himself in formal wear well, better than he did in his combat armour. Speaking of which, Who wasn’t sure the last time he’d seen Shiny in field gear – never mind actually in the field.

“Of course, princess.” Shining Armour chuckled as he joined in the conversation. “See you’re not actually a lieutenant, Who. You never were. And you’re not acting commander either. You’ve been advanced beyond the rank of lieutenant. I personally requested it when I heard you passed assessment for commissioned officer. You are now Commander Who of the Twilight Guard. I don’t trust anypony else to secure the safety of my sister.”

Who’s eyes widened and his heart stopped.

“Congratulations, commander.” Princess Celestia beamed.

“Formal promotion and orientation will be after the coronation.” Shining Armour gave a firm nod. “Dismissed, commander.”

Who’s whole jaw trembled as his mouth opened to answer. “Y-yes, sir.” The human stammered nearly forgetting he wasn’t supposed to salute the officer indoors.

As Princess Celestia and Shining Armour turned away to tune in for the end of Twilight Sparkle’s speech, Commander Who tried to return to his post. It wasn’t easy.

He stumbled right past where he had been standing originally and caught himself on the balustrade of one of the ballroom’s open arches. Who’s legs were shaking. Everything was muted to a faint ringing noise in his ears. Somepony could have been calling to him, but he wouldn’t have heard them.

Looking up he found himself looking out over Canterlot. He gazed past the spires and archways of the city to the mountains and hills beyond. He could see the Everfree Forest glittering under the afternoon sun. He saw the picturesque town of Ponyville, the telltale thatch rooftops standing out against the countryside. He could see Dragon Mountain beyond that, with the badland deserts off to one side. The rocky quarries of Razorrock Mountains stretched off in the opposite direction, beyond which were the Griffin Highlands, part of the Griffin Empire. Beyond that he knew there was Zebrica and Camelu. All places he’d been as member of the Royal Guard. And all that within the past year.

So much had happened in the past twelve months. And now he was a commander! Commander of the Twilight Guard no less! He could almost count on one hand how many ponies he answered to now.

While there was a sense of pride swelling in his chest, he also felt the burden weigh down on his shoulder. Princess Twilight sparkle’s safety had become his responsibility. Captain Shining Armour was trusting the human with his sister. Princess Celestia was entrusting the safety of her most faithful student with Who.

Everypony would be watching him from now on.

The realisation of it all was a little too much to comprehend in a single moment. So he vocalised his thoughts with one simple time-tempered phrase.

“Holy, shi--…!”

The End

This has been a PseudoFiction story. I hope you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.

The Epilogue

The Epilogue

Discord was a funny one. Not a ‘ha-ha’ kind of funny. More like a ‘put-that-knife-away’ kind of funny.

The last of the draconiquus was a little difficult to describe, since he was kind of a mix-match of creatures all patched together. Goat leg, pony head, goat horns, bat wing, the works. He definitely lived up to his namesake in terms of looks. Though since his reform, he wasn’t really living up to the namesake.

Who had heard Celestia had given Discord a little uninhabited island where he could create all the chaos he wanted – where he could vent without harming anypony. But when he was in Equestria he was obliged to work for the powers of order and harmony.

Though that didn’t mean he didn’t get up to the odd bit of mischief from day to day.

Today was one of those days.

Stepping out into the corridor, Who felt his foot slip out from under him. Stumbling, the human commander managed to catch himself on the door frame before he hugged the hard marble ground. Blinking confoundedly he looked at the soapy suds he’d slipped on. It was like a massive snail-trail of soap zig-zagging up the corridor to his left, and down further to his right.

Straightening up he saw the cause of the suds.

It was Discord with a pair of scrubbing-brushes strapped to his feet, used to skate up and down the corridor and leaving a trail of soap in his wake. With a sigh, Who quickly stepped over the soapy trails and walked after the draconiquus.

Who looked like he was prepared for an operation; white fatigues over which he wore the silver-chainmail under-armour with purple and gold impact plating covering the lower legs, forearms and the torso. Centred on his chest was an imitation of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s cutie mark, making him a member of the Twilight Guard. His bow hung over his shoulder with his quiver on his back and a sword on his hip. In truth he wasn’t action going into the field quite yet. He was going to be travelling down to Ponyville for a brief inspection of the area later on. In his hand was a clipboard with a long to-do list, most of it having to do with getting the brand-spanking-new Twilight Guard up and running. And maybe that’d go quicker with Discord’s help.

“Discord!” he called as he gave chase. “What kind of trouble are you up to?”

The draconiquus gasped looking hurt as he froze in his tracks. Somehow Who figured it was a fake expression. He wasn’t sure what gave it away though. The sarcastic demeanour of the draconiquus or the trail of soap he left in his wake.

“I’ll not stand for this random association with trouble. I’ll have you know, I’m reformed.” Discord informed the human. As he did he quickly snapped his fingers and the brushes on his feet vanished in a flash of light.

Who looked unconvinced. “Then you won’t mind doing something helpful with your powers.”

“Ugh.” – the spirit of chaos slouched with a deadpan expression on his face – “I should have seen that one coming. Yawn! Your menial tasks are always so booooooring.”

Who rolled his eyes, reaching back and drawing an arrow from his quiver. He pointed the pointy implement straight at Discord, warning him to behave. “Easy, tiger. Don’t make me poke your eye out again like last time.”

“Puh-lease. It barely hurt the first time.”

“Yeah, but this time I might not give it back.” The commander chuckled.

“Touché.” Discord chuckled back. “So what do you want from me?”

“We need a barracks in Ponyville for the Twilight Guard.” Who explained pointing at his clipboard. “The plans are all here. All the usual bells and whistles included. Plumbing, power, etcetera. I’ve also got a roster of guardsponies awaiting teleportation down to Ponyville when the barracks is up and running.”

“Ugh! That’s it? Construction work and transportation?” Discord pulled a face like he was biting into something nasty.

“It’ll take you thirty seconds.”

“Yes, but they’ll be a boring thirty seconds!” he whined.

Regardless, Who pulled the scroll from his clipboard and handed it to Discord. “Here. That’s why I wrote the plans and the roster in binary code. You’ll have to translate it first.”

Discord snatched up the scroll, beaming and squealing with excitement. “Oh, you know me so well!” he proceeded to hug his assignment papers like a comforter. “Solving this will be the best five minutes of my immortal life.” And only then did the sarcasm ease through his tone.

“You’re welcome.” Who deadpanned with a roll of his eyes.

As Discord was skimming over the particulars of the barracks Commander Who needed; their ears perked up at the sound of hooves on the floor. Turning they saw four figures trot out of the nearby armoury door and move closer.

Who hardly recognised Staff Sergeant Buckshot and Privates Mercury, Brute Force and Steel Block out of uniform. The ponies weren’t an off-white with cropped navy manes and tails anymore. While their manes and tails were still cropped, they were much more colourful while not wearing the enchanted talismans in their armour that turned their coats white and manes dark blue.

Buckshot was the biggest surprise. His cutie mark was as per his namesake, a handful of buckshot framed in an explosion of fire, and his coat was a startling light blue colour. But most startling though was the fact he had two eyes – though missing his eyepatch he still chewed on a cigar stub.

“Staff sergeant, you have two eyes.” Who commented as the group joined them.

“Yup!” Buckshot chuckled. Out of uniform and prepared for some shore leave the staff sergeant was certainly less formal.

Commander Who was still confused though. “If you have both your eyes why do you wear the eyepatch?”

“Makes me look manlier.” The stallion answered.

Brute Force scoffed. “Even more so?”

Brute Force was a painted pony, his dirty grey coat broken up by spots of brown. Stamped on his flank was a tool quite similar to a crowbar. Though unlike crowbars, the hooligan-tool in Brute’s cutie mark was more suited to a variety of brute force tasks beyond prying.

Beside him was Mercury; her coat was a sunset yellow colour with a bright red mane and tail. Her cutie mark looked like a broken thermometer dripping mercury. Whatever the heck it symbolised, nopony would ever know.

Finally, Steel Block was large as ever. The massive chestnut stallion had a pitch black mane and tail, with a great big silver kite-shield stamped on his flank. Most shield-bearers had to be made. Clearly, Steel Block was one of the few born.

As they trotted to a halt they all waved hello to the commander. Before they could say anything though, they were interrupted by a voice. It was a very unfamiliar voice, and it startled almost all of them.

“Hello, my little ponies!” said the voice; so sickly sweet it could bring forth both a sense of arousal and immediate insulin shock. “Enjoy your weekend!”

Turning they saw another pony trot out of the armoury behind them. The earth-pony mare was pretty. Extremely pretty, with a lithe, slender build and a hot-pink coat. Her mane cascaded down her scalp like a rushing waterfall of white gold. Stamped on her skinny flank was a picture of a bon-bon wrapped in pink foil.

“Thanks, colonel.” Staff Sergeant Buckshot called back to the mare, causing the three privates to freeze startled. “You too.”

Mercury almost screamed with terror as she watched the skinny mare trot cheerfully around the corner. “Wha-... was that Colonel Hard Candy?”

“Y’know... I think so. I’ve never seen her out of uniform before... or acting nice.” Steel Block chuckled with surprise.

Brute Force on the other hand couldn’t even form intelligible syllables as he stood with his jaw on the floor, a puddle of drool forming around him. “Whaaaaaa-whubba-hubbabba...”

“Everypony changes when they take off the uniform I guess.” Who chuckled.

“Speaking of taking off the unicorm,” – Mercury batted her eyes as she suggestively changed the subject – “What are you planning for the weekend, commander?”

Discord chuckled, interjecting: “Oh, the commander here doesn’t take time off. That would require a sense of fun”

“Nopony asked you, Dissy.” Mercury sighed. “So what you up to, commander?”

Commander Who nodded to agree with Discord. Something he figured he probably couldn’t do very often. “Working, private. There’s plenty to do. What do you guys have planned?”

“I’m heading down to the Dodge City Rodeo. I’mma sign up and conquer! How about you, Brute?” Mercury asked.

Brute Force smiled eagerly. “I’m visiting my momma in Cloudsdale. She’s baking ‘welcome home’ pies as we speak!”

That seemed to confuse the mare though. “You can’t fly. How’s that going to work?”

“With great difficulty.” Brute admitted. “What about you, sarge? What are you up to this weekend?”

“I’ll be heading to the Baltimare waterpark with my kids.” The staff sergeant said.

“You have kids?”

Mercury had more pressing issues than that. “More importantly; social services trusts you taking care of foals?”

“Hey, I take care of Stonewall Company, right?” Buckshot retorted, and Discord laughed.

“Ho-ho! Tou-ché!”

“We got room for one more in the wagon if you wanna go, commander.” The sergeant added with an invite to the human. “I know you wanna!”

“Sorry, staff sergeant. I got stuff to do.”

“Weren’t you scheduled to take time off though?” Steel Block rumbled.

Who pointed a thumb to the draconiquus hovering beside him. “Gave it to him.”

Mercury would have done a spit-take had she been eating or drinking something. She still choked though. “Seriously!? You gave the spirit of chaos a weekend off? Are you insane?”

“You little ponies have fun! Stay out of trouble!” Discord mockingly said in an ominous tone.

“Yeah, well you stay out of trouble too, sir.” Brute Force warned. “Or I’ll be down here like: Pew-pew-pew!” he added blinking rapidly at the spirit of chaos.

“What are you doing?” Mercury hissed.

“Shooting Discord with my eyeball laser-beams?”

As Mercury cuffed Brute Force over the head for being silly, Who turned to Steel Block. “What about you, steel Block?”

“Oh, that’s right! You’re going to your secret hideaway, ain’t you Steel?” Staff Sergeant Buckshot announced.

“You have a secret getaway?”

Steel Block nodded at the commander. “Yes, sir-ee.”

“Which is where exactly?” Mercury sighed tiredly as if this was the thousandth time she tried asking. In fairness, knowing how nosy she could get it very well could have been.

“Wouldn’t be a secret if I told you, now would it?” the large stallion smiled before looking up to Who. “If you change your mind about the weekend off, commander, you can come round for a beer.”

“Him you invite to your secret holiday destination!?” Mercury exclaimed.

“Him I can trust.”

“Ugh.” Giving a frustrated sigh, Mercury finally looked straight at Discord. “What about you, Dissy?”

“I’m going to start with getting some work done.” Discord said with an air of strange responsibility. “Weekend plans come after.” Holding up one and he grinned broadly and snapped his fingers. With a flash of light, he vanished.

“Well, that’s not ominous at all.” Brute Force chuckled sarcastically as he started walking.

Buckshot and Mercury followed him. As they moved down the corridor, Brute slipped over the trail of soap Discord ‘forgot’ to clean up, cursing as he collapsed.

Meanwhile, Steel Block moved closer to Commander Who, watching as Brute Force struggled to climb to his hooves again.

“Invitation stands, commander.” He re-iterated.

“Thanks, private. But another time maybe.” Who answered. While he didn’t really want to take the time off, he was still curious about Steel Block. “Hey, Steel? What is your secret hideaway?”

Steel Block let a very slow smile spread over his face. “You’re the first to ask me that. Everypony always asks where it is.” Looking up at the human, he explained: “It’s normal life. I rent a room, I read a book, I spend time with my marefriend. Just... y’know. Pretend to be a normal stallion for a few days.”

Thinking about it, Who figured that was a really good holiday concept. Just sit back, take your mind off your duty, your responsibilities; maybe even your destiny. Who wondered how he could possibly do that though. The concept was nice, but execution was a whole different story.

Maybe he could buy a small cottage, his savings weren’t too shabby. He could settle in, spend his shore-leave there with a girlfriend…

Though that would be a bit hard for the commander. There weren’t a great many human women around. Though by that I mean to say there weren’t any.

Thinking about it, maybe all of that was hard for Commander Who. He wasn’t good at anything beyond being a Royal Guard. He figured he’d be terrible at taking time off. Since everything he did in Equestria ponies could quite literally do much better than him, working a job he was actually better at than his pony colleagues was what made him happy. An ego-motivated concept, sure; but it gave him a sense of purposes. If he took a holiday, he’d be lost. He’d go crazy in hours.

Eventually he figured holidays just weren’t for him. “That sounds nice. Take care, private.” Commander Who dismissed himself, navigating his way back to his office.

“You too, commander.”

The 'Verse

Author’s Story Notes

[Slice-of-Life] [Random]
Rated: Everyone

Short Description:
Come and meet some guardsponies from Stonewall Company... and regret it shortly after...

Long Description:
“When there is nothing left to do; you must set yourself on fire.”

Nopony quite knows what possessed Starswirl the Bearded to utter this odd phrase. Some theorise that it was merely a euphemism or a riddle, and means everypony has a purpose; and that if you don’t have purpose you may as well be dead. Others think it has something to do with boredom; that if you are bored you need to put in some effort to mix things up and be ‘not-bored.’

For Private Mercury of the Earth-Pony Shield Regiment and her friends – Privates Brute Force and Steel Block – this phrase always means the latter. Because what else is there for an earth-pony shield-bearer to do in times of peace other than to guard the palace? And guard duty often comes with boredom.

What better way to fight boredom than setting stuff on fire?

Rated Everyone for the lulz

Characters
Earth-Pony Shields Regiment, Stonewall Company
Primarily shield-bearers, their armour is mounted with custom mounts for shields which they use to provide on-the-move cover for other regiments/companies, as well as a charging line. They carry tall heavily fortified shields of steel that mount on either shoulder. The shields are called iron-wings. Their war-cry is ‘hoo-ah.’

Staff Sergeant Buckshot; the cigar chomping, loud-mouthed, hard to beat commander of Stonewall Company. But he’s more of a likeable hardass, not like Hard Candy. CM: a handful of shiny steel ball-bearings framed by a fiery explosion.

Colonel Hard Candy; to say Candy is a hardass barely does her justice. She commands over the whole Earth-Pony Shields Regiment, including Stonewall Company. CM: a piece of candy wrapped in pink foil, i.e. she’s secretly a sweet tooth.

Corporal Iron Gates; bg-pony, has a massive bristly moustache growing beyond grooming standards.

Private Shadow Prancer; bg-pony, despite name dislikes prancing and singing.

The Main Trio
Private Brute Force; Dim witted, sarcastic, and usually he just goes with the flow. He sort of wants to do his job, but he seems to have some issues with discipline and is way too easily distracted. He can’t count. CM: a hooligan tool.

Private Steel Block; tough, brawny and serious. He takes his position in the guard very seriously and often is the voice of reason for his friends. CM: a heavy looking kite-shaped shield.

Private Mercury; like spilled mercury, this mare is quick. Impossible to pin down. But Mercury isn’t just quick on her hooves, but she’s quick with the tongue too. Witty, always has the last word, and she generally acts before thinking things through making her the trouble maker of the group. Her one weakness is her massive crush on Who the human which she refuses to admit to. CM: a broken thermometer leaking mercury.

Unicorn Ranged Infantry Regiment, Archer Company
A company filled with unicorns specialising with crossbows. Their war-cry is ‘allons-y.’

Who; a human in Equestria, his soul got lost on the way to the afterlife. Luna found him and mistook him for a shooting star. When he wouldn’t obey her whim, she grew curious and built him a new physical form, loading his soul back into a fresh body. Who joined the royal guard when he realised ponies could do anything he could do, only better. Dead in his own world he can’t even return home. So he’s stuck in Equestria until the day he dies. In the meantime however, Who might as well do something useful. The Sol Guard realised he’s sometimes more manoeuvrable than an average unicorn, particularly over rough terrain, so after graduating he was assisted in forging a bow, equipment and was put in the ranged infantry regiment. Who gives as good as he gets. A workaholic, he likes to keep busy, but as a result becomes a hermit. He’s formal and likes to do things according to regulation, however he likes to remain adaptable. When the situation becomes dire or throws him a curve-ball he’ll throw rules and regulations into the wind and do whatever it takes to win.

Corporal Crystal Shine; bg-pony, jumpy, easy to scare.

Regiments [Sol Guard]
Earth-Pony Engineering Regiment – Combat logistics mostly. Erecting barricades, field quarters, moving equipment in and out of the field, ensuring ammo and supplies get to where they’re needed, etcetera.
Earth-Pony Shields Regiment – Most of what the shields do is guard key positions. In times of war they are moving barricades. In times of peace they are sentries.
Earth-Pony Mechanised Regiment – Field equipment maintenance and operation mostly. From catapults and ballistas to siege machines and the like.

Pegasus Fast Recon Regiment – Scouts and pathfinders for all ranges and situations.
Pegasus Air Corps – Air superiority fighters.
Pegasus Cavalry – Rapid response air support.

Unicorn Defensive Infantry Regiment – Advanced shield bearers, they can provide short term magical cover with barriers when the shields regiment is spread thin.
Unicorn Offensive Infantry Regiment – Assault infantry, swords to spears and everything in between.
Unicorn Ranged Infantry Regiment – Archers, mostly they’ll use crossbows. Some companies use high explosive magical blasts as mid-range artillery.

Royal Guard Rank Structure
Regular [must pass corporal before entering NCO stage]
Cadet -> Private -> Corporal

NCO [CO course/assessment may be undertaken at any NCO rank]
Sergeant -> Staff Sergeant -> Gunnery Sergeant -> Sergeant Major

CO
Lieutenant -> Commander -> Lieutenant Colonel -> Colonel -> Captain -> Captain of the Guard

Unused Material

Buckshot [singing] “Let's get down to business, to protect the herd!”

Brute Force “But I don’t think I’m ready.”

Buckshot “Shut up... you neeeerd.” “You’re a sad bunch of, degenerates; but you can bet before were through... somehow I'll, make a stallion, out of you!!!!”

The Breacher; Royal blacksmith and armourer, Clockwork invents a ‘breacher.’ It’s a buckshot cannon used to blow down doors and barricades. Clockwork leaves it with Brute Force, Mercury and Steel Block to demonstrate the invention to the brass, but the trio decide to have some fun with it first.

Show and Tell; Tiny Trinket gives Cherilee’s class a presentation for show and tell. She shows a picture of Steel Block, a tenant living with her mom and her. She talks about how Steel helps around the house, cheers up her mom when she’s sad, helps Trinket with her homework and fights the monsters in the closet. He may not be her father, but he’s family.

Author's Note

Originally 'In Good Company' was supposed to follow Who the Human from his arrival in Equestria through him struggling to live in Equestria, failing to adapt and eventually him signing up for a career with the Royal Guard; then following his training and eventual progress through the ranks. Unfortunately I killed it in the planning stage because it turned out really typical following all the usual HiE tropes.

So what I did instead was take the background ponies who were showing up in Who's story and I made them the main characters. The story is still centered around Who's career in the Royal Guard, but it's less of a typical HiE story. More like a Royal Guard Slice-of-Life tale with some HiE tropes thrown in.

The Guard Duty

The Guard Duty

The silence was shattered, quite literally spit in two by a sigh of all things. Canterlot Tower was so quiet, Private Brute Force could have heard a pin drop. But at least the falling of a pin would have been a definitive, singular noise.

This wasn’t so much a noise as it was an annoyance. First the sharp inhale through the nostrils, followed by a hiss of air escaping his fellow guard’s lungs through her pursed lips. And it wasn’t just the annoyance of the sound.

In the corner of his eye, Brute Force could see the mare heave her shoulders. Upward slowly as she inhaled, then a rapid – almost succumbing – slump with the exhale. It was hardly a motion befitting of Princess Celestia’s royal Sol Guard.

During training Brute Force had learned that standing guard was about discipline and focus. The trick was to pick a point between spaces. Somewhere in front of you, but not quite there. That way if something was hovering on your nose, it wouldn’t distract. And the stalwart, unmoving posture was what made Royal Guard so imposing.

Clearly Private Mercury didn’t fully understand that… or she just didn’t care at present.

While Private Brute Force was staring at his spot in space before him – standing to rigid attention – he could just about see the mare in his peripheral vision. The other earth-pony was – build aside – identical to Brute Force.

A sturdy earth-pony build with a light off-white coat and a cropped navy mane and tail; she was androgynous enough that unless you either knew her or heard her speak she could be mistaken for a stallion. The armour weighing down her body was a charcoal colour, and not the usual ceremonial build other Royal Guard regiments wore. The earth-pony regiments were mostly combat engineers and mechanised divisions who operated heavy weapons and siege machines. But above all, the most important earth-pony regiment was the Earth-Pony Shields Regiment.

It wasn’t a regiment that was widely known or celebrated, but that did not make them any less important. In fact, the shields were a regiment celebrated in their own way. They were celebrated by the lives of fellow guardsponies they had saved. But the shields were not medics or waterboys. They were exactly as advertised in the name.

The shields were shield-bearers. As such their armour was thicker, heavier than the normal guardspony uniform and covered their bodies from the head right down to the fetlocks, leaving very little exposed. Even their hooves were iron-clad, making them walking tanks. Their helmets lacked the fanciful crests, and were instead mounted with extensive plating that would make a head-butt quite lethal. On their shoulders were mounts for the large plate-metal shields they carried into battle.

The shields they would normally carry – or iron-wings as they were often called – were more than shields though. They were weapons, used to bash apart enemy lines. They were moving barriers that allowed the frontline of guard to move under hail of enemy arrows. They bore standards of varying regiments, and their unflinching approach to the enemy lines struck fear in anything that crossed their path. Devastation, protection and intimidation, all rolled into one. Were it not for the Elements of Harmony the Earth-Pony Shields Regiment could’v been considered a weapon of mass-destruction.

Still… they were earth-ponies. Sure they were tough, but they couldn’t fly. They couldn’t perform feats of magic. The earth-pony regiments were brutes. Their home was the battlefield. So in times of peace, there was nothing for them to do but stand guard.

Hence Privates Brute Force and Mercury standing either side of the mighty vault doors containing the Elements of Harmony. In essence, the doors were impenetrable by normal means. In essence, there should be no need for guards. But what else to do with the Earth-Pony Shields Regiment? There was no other use for them outside battle, not even a ceremonial position.

So they rotated guard duty, guarding anything and everything they could. Anything to keep busy.

Though, guard duty wasn’t exactly doing something per-se. And in that respect, Brute Force couldn’t really fault Mercury’s apparent boredom.

Another sigh pierced the air. Brute Force’s eyes slowly shut and he took a calming breath. Even though he had just thought the above, the sighing was starting to electrocute his nerves.

“Did you just sigh again?” Private Brute Force asked in a low tone, irritable emphasis in his voice.

In his peripheral vision he could just about see the mare beside him shrug. “What of it?”

“That’s like the fiftieth time in the past ten minutes.” Brute Force reasoned.

“More like seventh time.” – he saw Mercury break guard discipline completely and turn her head to look at him – “Can you even count?”

Brute gnashed his teeth for a moment wondering if he would get in trouble by default if Mercury got in trouble. “If princess Celestia comes up here and hears you sigh we are dead.” He reasoned, stabilising his tone.

Private Mercury let out a soft snort. “Why would Princess Celestia come all the way up here? Nothing important ever happens up in this tower.” Yet another sigh escaped her lungs as she straightened out her posture again. “And that’s kind of why I’m bored!”

A subtle frown tore up Brute Force’s chiselled expression. “You’re kidding, right? Did you just say the tower containing the vault that contains the Elements of Harmony never has anything interesting happen to it?”

“The only reason the princess would come up here would be to retrieve the Elements of Harmony. And she’d only do that in a time of crisis.” Private Mercury proceeded to explain, showing off exactly how much time she had to think about all of this. “And if there was a time of crisis, I’m sure we would have heard about it. Unless there’s another Changeling invasion. Then maybe not. There could of course be a secret war going on. A war in the shadows. With dark forces converging on this very position as we speak.” She finished up ominously like she was telling a scary pony-tale.

Brute Force blinked hard a few times. In those few motions of his eyelids he lost the point between spaces he’d been staring at. Considering he’d lost his focus anyway, he may as well go the full way. Very slowly craning his head, he averted his gaze from the great hall leading up to the vault and locked his eyes on Mercury. She was looking right back at him, a small grin on her muzzle.

Brute Force’s almost trademark sarcastic frown didn’t alter. He just stared at her for a moment before very slowly averting his gaze down the great hall again.

After a quick calculation of how much time had passed, Brute figured there wasn’t going to be a snap-ambush. “Somehow I don’t think so, Merc.” He added with a sigh.

Great, the stallion thought to himself as he realised what he’d just done. She’s got me doing it now.

Averting her own gaze towards the great hall too, Mercury shrugged. “Fine. But if Celestia comes up here-...”

“Princess Celestia.” Brute Force corrected.

Mercury rolled her eyes. “Whatever. If she comes up here, she’ll have a darn good reason. It would mean something was happening for once. Imagine what that’d be like, to be at the heart of the action for once. She opens up the vault and she’s all like:” – Mercury’s voice suddenly changed as she put on her very best impression of Princess Celestia – “The Elements of Harmony! They’re gone! And then we’d be all like: Bw-uuuuuuh?” in all honesty her impression of Princess Celestia was really good. But the impression of herself letting out a bamboozled cry was even better. Brute Force would know; she’d used it in genuine situations plenty of times before.

Brute Force slowly decided he was getting bored as well, so the private started playing along. “Because we are so good at our job, we would’ve noticed somepony sneaking in, then sneaking out laden down with fabulous swag.”

Mercury gasped. “That could only mean one thing stole the Elements.” She said with almost genuine terror. If she never joined the guard she would have made a decent actress.

“Diiiiiscoooooord!” Brute Force sang dramatically in a high voice. “So we kick his flank into next week and trot home with a couple of medals.” He paused, shifting his eyes to looking at Mercury sideways. “No?” he finally asked when he got no reply.

Mercury shook her head. “Too easy.”

“Okay then...” Brute Force paused to think before he grinned broadly. “He attacks us with flying monkeys!”

Mercury mimicked his grin, liking that. She could almost see it now, a flock of winged monkeys in bell-boy outfits swarming all over the princess like a tantrum driven horde of screaming foals – pulling at her mane and everything.

“And Princess Celestia would be all like: Nooooo! Flying monkeys! My only weakness! But I’m like: Ha! Bring it on, Discord! Your flying monkeys are no match for Stonewall Company’s eyeball laser-beams!” Mercury announced charging up her company-given super-powers.

“Pew-pew!” Brute Force cried shooting bolts of light from his pupils. “Take that, flying monkeys. Pew-pew!”

“Then I’ll be all like: Get off the princess, stupid monkey! Pew-pew-pew!” flashes of crimson energy seared the air, blasting the flying monkeys off of Celestia’s back.

Though the imaginary scene instantly dissolved when the tower doors open on the far end of the great hall. With a wood and metal clunk the locks were released and one of the heavy doors swung inward, lightly grazing the plush carped running between the vault and the doorway.

The fresh silence that fell as Brute Force and Mercury shut their mouths and snapped back into a proper guard-stance was pierced by heavy armoured hooves thudding on the carpet. The way the duo faced they automatically inspected the approaching newcomers.

Clad in the heavy earth-pony regimental armour, Colonel Hard Candy and Staff Sergeant Buckshot made their way along the great hall, barely looking away from the privates standing guard on the far end. They had seen the murals and stained windows decorating this part of the palace so often, they paid the colourful works of art no mind. But it was not only the monotony of the environment that drove their focus, but also their purpose.

Colonel Hard Candy was the commanding officer of the Earth-Pony Shields Regiment. And it suited her. Earth-pony shield-bearers were built tough and stubborn. Hard Candy personified this. She never took ‘no’ for an answer. She always had her way. She never back down and if you crossed her... well, you’d best start digging a grave.

Staff Sergeant Buckshot on the other hand... let’s just say there was a reason the ponies of Stonewall Company liked their cycloptic company commander better than the regiment commanding officer.

Staff Sergeant Buckshot was kind of a typical sergeant, sure. He had a loud voice that could carry through bunker walls. He usually ran the ponies under his command ragged with drills; oh and don’t get him started on drills. The staff sergeant loved order and official-ness. But the one thing he loved more than that was seeing ponies perform drills with ‘by-the-book’ precision. Hoof-drills, shield-drills, retreat-drills, attack-drills, power-drills. If it had the word ‘drill’ in it, he loved it. He’d love it more than that black eye-patch he was never seen without.

Many ponies would still wonder why Stonewall Company liked their staff sergeant if he ran them ragged with drills. The truth of the matter was, drills kept them busy. Is sure beat hanging around the billets all day, and sure as heck beat guard duty. And while Buckshot kept the ponies under his command busy and wired tight most of the time, he was at least one of those sergeants you could get along with.

Crack a joke and he might punish you with push-ups, ridicule or death threats, but he wouldn’t ever take your dignity. No matter what he did, he treated the guard in his company with respect. Almost like equals...

‘Cept he was slightly more equal than the rest of the company because he was the staff sergeant and the rest of them were ‘maggots.’

I think perhaps the main reason the members of Stonewall Company liked Staff Sergeant Buckshot was the fact he treated them like grown-ups; he’d respect them enough to let them do their jobs without interfering; let them get away with minor mistakes, trusting they would fix errors and learn for the future on their own. Unlike Colonel Hard Candy who considered all the guard under her command as directionless foals.

And her presence in the Canterlot Tower was evidence of that kind of attitude. She was obviously making her rounds, inspecting each of the ponies in the regiment to make sure they were doing their jobs to adequate standards.

“Privates!” the colonel snapped in a snippy, impatient voice. “Report!”

“Sir!” both Brute Force and Mercury barked at the same time before the stallion took over for the report. “Nothing to report, sir!”

That made Staff Sergeant Buckshot smile. As he peeled back his lips to show off two rows of polished white teeth, he worked the cigar stub lodged in one corner of his mouth to the other.

“Beautiful!” the sergeant grunted proudly as the privates reported in a fashion so official it was like they were ticking off mental-checklists on the fly. “And you two haven’t broken anything yet, have you?”

“Sir, no sir!”

Staff Sergeant Buckshot let out a heavy chuckle before nodding. “Good!” – his cigar stub worked back across his mouth and lodged itself in the far corner like it had a mind of its own. “Carry on!”

“Hoo-ah!” the two privates grunted in reply.

Dismissing themselves, Hard Candy and Buckshot turned to leave. The staff sergeant trotted slowly in a small semi-circle. Hard Candy on the other hoof turned swiftly about face on the spot and marched in the lead. As they went, Buckshot turned his gaze to the colonel with a crooked grin.

With the natural boom of his voice it was impossible for Brute Force and Mercury not to hear. “They’re still here, and they haven’t fouled up quite yet. Satisfied?”

“I’m never satisfied.” The duo heard the colonel complain before she stepped through the tall doors.

Following her out, the staff sergeant reached back and pulled shut the doors with a heavy thud that echoed through the empty, silent great hall.

The moment the great doors clicked shut, Mercury was right back into the action-fantasy. “The princess is saved!” she called, but she suddenly gasped, terror flooding her expression. “But, oh no! Discord took Colonel Hard Candy hostage!”

Brute Force furrowed his brow. “It’s too late for her! We have to think about the greater good of Equestria! Pew-pew!” he fired his eyeball laser-beams at Discord anyway, regardless of the irritable hostage being held.

“And Hard Candy is all like:” – Mercury’s impression shifted to one of the colonel, and like Princess Celestia’s it wasn’t half bad. Everypony was pretty sure Colonel Hard Candy might even recognise herself if she heard it – “My leg! You shot me in the leg! Private Brute Force, this negligence will be going in your permanent record!” – Her voice then shifted to a more maniacal tone – “Then Discord is all like: Mwua-hahahaha! Puny mortal ponies! Your eyeball laser-beams cannot harm me!”

“Oh, yeah, Discord?” Brute Force growled, steadying his stance as if ready to form a shield-line. “Well how about a whole company of eyeball laser-beams!?”

Mercury laughed, matching his stance “And then all of Stonewall Company shows up in a badass display of badasserry!” she imagined the ground rumbling, and the very foundations of Canterlot cracking as a row of iron clad earth-ponies marched up by their sides. “And we be all like: Pewpewpewpewpew! ‘Questria, heck-yeah!”

As the eyeball laser-beams filled the air between them and their foe, Brute Force imagined Discord writhing around as he was consumed in smoke and fire; clawing at the air while promising vengeance! “And Discord’s all like: Noooooo! Curse you, Stonewall Company! I’m no match for your badassery!” reaching out to his side, Brute Force held up his hoof to Mercury.“And that’s what makes Stonewall Company awesome.”

Mercury whooped, meeting his hoof-bump with a metallic cling! “Booyeah!”

A long pause of silence submerged the air around the guardsponies. They both straightened up and stood to rigid attention once more, but this time with dreamy grins plastered over their faces. But quickly enough Brute Force’s expression shifted to a deadpan look once more.

“... and then we spend the rest of the day guarding this stupid tower.” He finally said, ending the buzz rather abruptly. “You’re a dummy, you know that?”

Another long silence passed between them as Mercury’s worried look intensified with every passing second. Eventually she couldn’t handle it anymore and nearly exploded.

“Hey, Brute?” she squeaked.

“Yeah.” Brute Force Grunted.

“How awesome are we?”

Brute Force’s face barely moved other than his mouth working to speak. “We’re guarding the Elements of Harmony, the single most destructive force on the planet. Does that even warrant answering?”

Mercury paused to cringe – that wasn’t really the ‘yeah/nah’ answer she was hoping for. “Just gimme a scale of one to ten.”

“Scale of one to ten?” Brute Force asked. “Fine! I think we’re at a fourteen… eleven at the very least.”

Yet another pause as Mercury mulled that over with a confused expression. Eventually she asked: “Can you even count from one to ten?”

“Merc, I guard an impenetrable vault door for a living. I think counting is a little above my pay-grade.” Further avoiding the question, Brute Force added: “Heck, anypony could do our job… anypony could do our job better than we do our job.”

“But… we’re still awesome though… right?”

Breaking his discipline again, Brute Force turned his head to look at his partner. Seeing she was sufficiently tortured, Brute Force let a grin pull at his lips.

Turning his head forward again, the private felt the grin stay put. “Whatever puts you to sleep at night.”