Ponies Debate Gun Control
Ponies Debate Gun Control
by Present Perfect
Hearing voices coming from the Books and Branches Library was, Rainbow Dash thought, a little unusual. Libraries were, after all, supposed to be quiet places, not that she spent lots of time in them or anything. Which meant that raised voices coming from the library were highly unusual. Even more unusual was that they were the voices of her friends. Yes, her friends often had cause to gather at the library, but for an argument?
"This is serious," she said to herself as the pitch of the debate reached a crescendo. "Time for a dash of friendship!"
As she was already on her way to the library, having been attracted by the voices, her analysis of them having occupied her mind during the flight, all she had to do was burst in through the door and shower her friends in her awesomeness. Their troubles would doubtless fade away moments thereafter. Unfortunately, she was too busy congratulating herself on her impending friendship victory to spare any concentration to aligning her flight path with said library door.
"Ow," said Rainbow to the bark of the library as she first impacted with it and then slid down it onto the ground.
The voices inside stopped. Rainbow thought she could hear, through the rush of pain assailing her mind, somepony ask whether they had just heard Rainbow Dash outside. It sounded like Rarity. After a few more agony-filled moments spent watching stars and planets shoot through her field of vision, Rainbow heard the door squeak open.
"Oh, it is Rainbow!" Spike said, a little too loudly for Dash's comfort. "What are you doing laying out here, Rainbow Dash? You could have knocked!"
Rainbow shook her head vigorously, sending the myriad sparkling lights fading. "Never mind that, Spike. I heard arguing. What's got everypony so worked up?"
"She wants ta take my rights away!" cried Applejack from the darkened interior.
"Oh, don't even start about your 'rights' again," Rarity chided.
Spike frowned. "Maybe you should come inside. I think the girls can explain."
Rainbow frowned, but did as told, following Spike into his home.
Inside the library, all of Rainbow's other friends had spread themselves out across the floor. In the center was Twilight, surrounded by crumpled up scrolls and parchment. She was currently levitating a scroll and quill in front of herself; a single line had been written on the scroll and she appeared to have stopped in the middle of the sentence. Her left eye was twitching slightly.
On the sofa, Fluttershy lay curled in a ball, peeking out at the others through her hooves. She was shaking visibly. Applejack was positioned somewhat north of her, pacing frantically, stomping and snorting in turn. Rarity had placed herself across the room from Applejack, and sat primly upon a small mountain of cushions. A tea set had migrated into her vicinity, cups and saucers filled with used spoons and cold tea. She sipped daintily from one of them and eyed the teapot warily. Lastly, Pinkie Pie hung from the rather modest chandelier, hovering above a pile of discarded cupcake wrappers. Rainbow suspected their involvement in her current position.
"Again, I say, what is the point of such beastly things?" Rarity laid her cup down for a moment. "They do precisely no good whatsoever; you must give up this foolish notion that they are necessary before we will get anywhere!"
Rainbow Dash frowned as Applejack whirled on Rarity. Nostrils flaring, Applejack looked like she was about to pounce on the unicorn.
"Land sakes, Rarity, if'n we wasn't friends... I still can't believe I'm hearin' that much hogwash comin' outta ya! Outta any of ya!"
Twilight cleared her throat loudly as Spike dashed for the kitchen and Rainbow took to the air, hovering impassively.
"I think," Twilight said, "that we should recap the current situation for Rainbow Dash's benefit, along with each of our positions."
"Ooh!" Pinkie squealed. "That's a great idea, Twilight! Then Dashie can tell us who's right and who's wrong!"
Rainbow gained altitude, startled. "Uhh, Pinkie, I'm not so sure I--"
"That's a wonderful idea, Pinkie Pie," Rarity said, retrieving her cup and sipping from it.
"But I don't--"
"She'll do a darn sight better than we have so far," Applejack huffed.
"I'm not so sure 'right' and 'wrong' are that clear-cut," Twilight said quickly, "but it couldn't hurt to get another opinion."
"I just want everypony to stop fighting," Fluttershy murmured.
Rainbow Dash's upper lip curled. "Well, uh... All right. If it helps you guys settle whatever you're arguing about, I guess."
"Great!" Twilight smiled and turned to face her. "Rainbow Dash, the problem is this: I've been tasked by the Princess to review the state of gun ownership in Equestria. The question I'm trying to answer is, Does Equestria need stricter gun control laws, or not?"
Rainbow's jaw went slack as Twilight continued.
"Applejack has come out in favor of less regulation--"
"Yer darn tootin' I have!" Applejack threw her hat on the ground, a sign to Rainbow of just how long they must have been arguing this particular point. "Rainbow Dash, ya gotta understand: I need my guns to keep my family safe. Thieves, foreigners, monsters outta the Everfree Forest: they're all comin' up onto my property to steal my apples, wreck my home, and generally threaten my life! I need a harsh deterrent or me 'n mine are gonna get pushed to wreck 'n ruin before long! Guns keep ponies safe." As she spoke the last four words, she stomped her hoof to emphasize each.
"As if," Rarity said, scoffing.
"Rarity, on the other hoof," Twilight said, rolling her eyes, "is not so inclined."
"I most certainly am not," Rarity said, adjusting to lounge more freely upon her pillows. "Guns are dreadful implements of a bygone era of barbarism and incivility. We simply have no use for them anymore, not to mention crime in Equestria is scarcely an issue in this day and age. All protection of Equestrian citizens is accomplished by the police and, if need be, the Royal Guard. Wanting implements such as guns for oneself is simply..." She sniffed and tossed her mane. "Uncouth."
Applejack glowered at Rarity, but Twilight raised her voice before the two could resume their shouting match.
"I tend to agree with Rarity that guns aren't as necessary as Applejack insists," she said. "But I also realize there are mitigating factors. For instance, police must be called to the scene of a crime; any time they spend getting there is more time for something bad to happen."
Applejack smirked, but Twilight continued.
"Still, we must consider reasonable steps to limit possible mayhem."
Rainbow could sense Twilight shifting into lecture mode.
"Despite Equestria's long-standing history of gun ownership, not to mention the freedoms to bear arms granted in the Equestrian Constitution, guns have been a problem in recent history, and these incidents seem to be getting more and more frequent. Any gun control law has to take into account the safety of the general public from gun owners as well as from lawbreakers."
"Ain't no lawbreaker gonna follow a gun control law!" Applejack snapped. "Nopony nohow needs protection from a responsible gun owner!"
"Oh, but..."
All eyes turned to Fluttershy, who seemed equally surprised that she had spoken. She drew up a couch cushion and used it to cover her head while she continued.
"I'm sure Applejack means well, wanting to protect her family and all. If there was anypony I could trust to use a gun properly, it would be her..." Fluttershy swallowed. "B-but I get really scared when I think about anypony having that kind of power. B-because that's what guns represent, right? Power over life itself. If guns were taken away from everyone, then we wouldn't have to worry about who's responsible and who isn't."
Cringing back slightly, she added, "I just don't want to see anypony get hurt."
"Well, too bad, sister!" Pinkie cried from the ceiling. "You take away a pony's protection, and you know what you get?" She licked the frosting from her lips and dangled by her knees. "A police state, that's what! A big ol' black party van comin' down from Canterlot to round up all the naughty, helpless colts and fillies who can't protect themselves from Big Sister! And lemme tell ya, when you're off in federal prison, you're the pony who's gonna get the tail pinned on 'em, mark my words!" She slapped her cutie mark for emphasis.
Twilight turned to Rainbow sheepishly and shrugged.
"Well, there you have it. That's more or less what we've been arguing about for the last hour. Nopony wants to budge, and I can't help the Princess until we reach some kind of conclusion."
Everypony in the room leaned toward Rainbow. Even Spike peeked out from around the kitchen doorjamb.
"Soooo," Pinkie said slowly.
"Tell us, Rainbow," Rarity said.
"Whatcha think 'bout all them arguments?" Applejack finished. Fluttershy said nothing.
Rainbow Dash floated to the ground and put her hoof to her chin. Her lower lip jutted out and the others began to worry at their own lips, wondering just whose side she would take. Or would she find some middle ground, some alternate sixth path that none of them had considered?
"I think..."
"Yeees?" the five friends chorused, leaning ever closer.
"That I have no idea what guns are."
Applejack toppled over sideways. Fluttershy fell off the sofa. The sleeper bed unfurled itself and flattened atop her. Twilight just barely caught herself from falling with her magic, but Rarity went sliding down the cushion hill. Pinkie whooped and fell from the chandelier, landing on her head. Luckily, her mane was springy enough that she bounced back onto her hooves, cheering wildly.
"That was fun! Do it again!"
"How can you not know what guns are?" Twilight exclaimed, gesturing wildly. "They're the whole point of this argument! They're... Uh..." Fear washed over her face. "Uh, Applejack? Why don't you tell Rainbow Dash what guns are?"
"Oh, sure, Twi, that's easy." Applejack righted herself, dusting off her hat. "Guns are... Uh..." She frowned, licking her lips. After a few moments' thought, she closed her eyes, drew herself up straight, and said, "Sticky."
"What?" Rarity's muffled voice emerged from beneath numerous checkered throw pillows. "Sticky?"
"Yeah!" said Applejack. "Y'know, they're things ya stick to. Like, 'stick to your guns'. And that's why ya gotta stand by 'em, or else they won't stand by you and protect you when you need 'em." She nodded, smiling. "I think."
Twilight huffed, blowing an errant strand of mane out of her face. "Well, that explains why I couldn't get any hard data on gun ownership in Equestria."
"Ooh, and they have magazines!" Pinkie cried. "Magazines full of bullets! That's why Twilight was advocating for reduced magazine size, right?"
Rarity frowned. "I honestly have no idea how a fashion magazine could have anything to do with guns. Nor have I ever seen one with... bullets. What are bullets, anyway?"
Fluttershy poked her head out from under the bed. "They're, um... fast?"
The room was quiet for a moment. Then Pinkie Pie began bouncing circles around Rainbow Dash.
"Okaaaay, we told you everything! Pick a side, pick a side, pick a side!"
"There isn't any side!" Rainbow said, waving her hooves frantically. "This whole argument is stupid!"
"Yay!" squealed Pinkie. "Let's go get ice cream!"
"Oh, that sounds lovely," said Fluttershy, finally extricating herself from the sleeper sofa.
"I'll make a note of all this in my report to the Princess," Twilight said, lifting her quill and writing. "I really couldn't have done this without you, Rainbow Dash!"
Rarity trotted over, smiling and absent-mindedly fixing the manes of those present. "Yes, Rainbow is rather today's hero, isn't she?"
At the praise, Rainbow puffed out her chest. "Well, hey, it was nothin'! Just gotta have somepony around who can see all sides of the issue, am I right?"
The ponies began filing out of the library. Applejack clapped Rainbow on the back as she passed her, and Fluttershy nuzzled her gently.
"You rock, Rainbow!"
"Yep, yep, yep!" Rainbow crowed, letting out an exaggerated sigh of relief. "All in a day's work for the Rainbow Dash!"
Twilight finished writing her missive and gave it to Spike to send to the Princess, then joined Rarity in leaving the library. Pinkie bounded out after them, closing the door behind her. Then she turned toward you and gave you a big wink before the frame faded out.
"Don't worry, this wasn't meant as a political statement!"
Author's Note
Thanks, Pinkie. ~~Thinkie.~~
She's right, y'know. Though I used the current American gun control debate as a framing device, this is really more a deconstruction of just how silly it is for ponies to have guns in the first place, not to mention the idea that because we've heard them use words like "bullet" and "tank" in the show that they know what these things are. I didn't intend for it to be any sort of reaction to Fallout: Equestria; at the time I conceived the story (i.e., yesterday), it was just another excuse for me to be silly, which seems to happen once a month anymore. But, having written, it, I can't deny that the timing is... coincidental.
Anyway, hope y'all enjoyed this. :) I do so love writing these goofy one-shots.
