Spatterdashery

by Violet CLM

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Romance
Length: 6904

On the train back from Canterlot, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie get in a spat, and nopony is very helpful about it.

In which Rainbow Dash gets in some number of minor quarrels (or "spats"), learns several new words, and gets hit in the face. Also somepony catches on fire, a train never seems to reach its destination, and Fluttershy is largely unaffected by the night's proceedings.

Features RD/PP/FS, R/AJ, and TS/Colgate, so turn back if you find any of that anathematic. Acknowledges that mutually consenting adults in committed romantic relationships may sometimes have sex with one another, but nothing graphic.

Published 2013-05-02 23:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-02 23:40:03 UTC

Spat (n.)

“Awwwww yeah!” Rainbow Dash shot her right forehoof into the air, not quite high enough to hit the ceiling of the long, near-empty Friendship Express carriage they were all sitting in on their way back from Canterlot. “Chasing fireflies… action movie… late night salt bar… almost missing the train home… this was the best quadruple date night ever!”

Fluttershy, sitting on the bench opposite her and resting her head in Pinkie Pie’s ample mane, rubbed her hooves together in objection. “We weren’t, um, supposed to be chasing the fireflies. We were watching them. You were the only one chasing them.”

Rainbow Dash blinked back at her and then shrugged. “So my version of watching is a little more interactive. Big deal. You still got to see fireflies, right?”

“Oh, yes!” Fluttershy smiled peacefully. “Fireflies and rainbows. It was out of this world.”

“Well, there you go!” Rainbow Dash smirked and returned to her seat, her wings admittedly in need of a bit of a break. “Besides, it wasn’t even my fault. Colgate started it.”

“Huh?”

“You heard me!” Rainbow Dash reached across the carriage’s aisle to give Colgate a gentle push, sending her toppling into Twilight Sparkle. Neither seemed to mind very much. “Colgate was the first one who started chasing the fireflies, trying to get one into her lantern thing. Before she did that, I was innocent as a newborn foal!”

Twilight had a sudden loud and unexplained coughing fit. So did Fluttershy, but hers was much quieter.

Colgate slowly extracted herself from her tangle of Twilight, limbs, and tails. “Do I get to defend myself too?”

“Of course!” said Pinkie Pie. “Everyone gets a vote! And there are an odd number of us, too, so we can decide once and for all who the real firefly-chasing lawless ragamuffin was!”

Fluttershy raised a hoof. “I abstain.”

“Never mind!”

Colgate’s horn glowed as she started rearranging her newly-tousled mane. “Yes, so. Couldn’t I claim I was just pursuing the fireflies, not outright chasing them? Rainbow Dash was much faster than me. Than I. Whichever.”

“I’m always faster than you are.”

“Yes…?”

“So what’s fast to you can be slow to me! Hay, next to some of the speeds I get up to, I was barely moving after those fireflies at all! You’re definitely the one at fault here.”

Rarity’s voice cut into the conversation from elsewhere in the long carriage, cool and ever-so-slightly simpering. “So, Rainbow Dash, your defense is that Colgate was already chasing fireflies before you did?”

“Well, yeah. She started it.”

“And if Colgate jumped off a bridge, would you jump after her?”

“Of course! Or else she’d probably die.”

“…” Rarity stopped. “You know, that’s a fully valid point. I withdraw my objection.”

“Awesome!” Rainbow Dash spun around to check out all her friends, though none of them seemed properly excited. “Fireflies, action movie, salt bar, beating Rarity in an argument? Definitely the best quadruple date night party ever!” She paused. “I’m not hearing enough enthusiasm from you girls.”

Fluttershy looked properly apologetic. “I think we’re all a bit tired.”

“So? Pinkie Pie, how about you?”

Pinkie bounced across the space between benches to give Rainbow Dash a hug, leaving a startled Fluttershy to narrowly avoid letting her head land on the flat bench. “Oh, it was absolutely the best, Dashie! Especially when you called it a party! But I think really it was only a triple date night, not a quadruple one. It’s just the eensiest little bit of difference, but it meant I couldn’t back you up completely!”

Rainbow Dash looked around the train carriage in puzzlement, wondering if maybe that last drop of salt had ruined her ability to count. No, there were definitely four couples. “You and me. Twilight and Colgate. Applejack and Rarity. You and Fluttershy. That’s four.”

Pinkie backed up a couple inches and began to count. “Twilight and Colgate, one.” She held up a hoof. “Applejack and Rarity, two.” Another hoof. “Me and you and Flutters, three.” A third hoof.

“How are you even standing?”

“Precariously!”

An appropriate beat of silence followed.

“Okay, no, look.” Rainbow Dash shook her head, noticing as she did the concerned glances of the rest of the gang. “We three can’t be all on the same date at once.”

“We can’t?”

“No, ’cause then I’d be on a date with Fluttershy! Who is somepony I’m not dating, as we established at great length.”

Fluttershy voiced a silent agreement.

Pinkie Pie frowned. “But I’m on a date with both of you!”

“No, you’re on one date with me, and one with Fluttershy. Totally separate.”

“I can’t be on two dates at once!” Her expression was now one of total shock. “That would be two-timing. And I’d have to keep going back and forth between one date and another, pretending I had to use the little filly’s room or something, until eventually I got confused and called you Fluttershy or something like that and you’d both yell at me a lot and dump your dinners on my head and walk away all angry and heartbroken.”

“…” Rainbow Dash looked helplessly to Colgate, who was the closest pony not intimately involved in the issue. “Did you get any of that?”

“Every word!” Her smile mirrored Pinkie’s frown in exactly the way one usually doesn’t talk about expressions mirroring each other. “I like her version of events because it involved putting things into categories.”

Twilight partially climbed onto Colgate’s shoulders, to get a better vantage point. “And I like it because it was about defining terms!”

Colgate twisted around to stare adoringly upward. “Well, I like that you liked it because it was about defining terms.”

Twilight blushed. “Well, I like you.”

“Yeah? Well, I like you too.”

“Aww! Come here.”

“I can’t come there; you’re standing on top of me. It would be infinitely recursive.”

“Well, try your best,” said Twilight, and before long they were hopelessly tangled up again.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes expressively and decided to forget about them. “Look, Pinkie—“

“Pinkie, dearest.”

“Huh?”

Pinkie Pie, finally remembering to put her hooves down and stand like a normal pony, gazed at her seriously. “You have to call me Pinkie dearest or something like that, because we’re disagreeing about something! It reminds me that we still love each other.”

“Of course we still love each other!”

“How am I supposed to believe that if you don’t call me dearest?”

It was gradually turning into one of those nights. She turned to the bench that contained both Twilight and Colgate in some unexplainable arrangement, plus more than a few kissing noises. “Are you girls getting this?”

“Just go with it,” said Twilight, a bit muffled.

“Look, Pinkie, dearest. Sweetie. Pudding pop. Turtledove. Honey pie. Can I stop now?”

“Ooh, no, keep going, keep going!” Pinkie Pie had produced a notepad and was scribbling furiously, but a happy sort of furiously. “Except for ‘Honey Pie,’ because she was my great aunt, and calling me her is kind of ooky. Hey, Flutters, how come you never call me any affectionate names?”

“Pinkie, everything I call you is affectionate.”

“Oh gosh, that was the best answer possible!”

Rainbow Dash sighed. If this ever came up again, at least she’d be able to blame the pet names on the salt from earlier. Thankfully, Applejack didn’t seem to be paying much attention to the conversation at all. “Fluffy pink love dumpling—” Pinkie squealed delightedly “—can’t you just be on two different dates, so Fluttershy and I don’t get implicated together?”

“No!” Just like that, she was back to shocked and offended. “I couldn’t call one date two dates, any more than I could call a birthday party a get-well-soon party! It’s an entirely different kind of party, all together.”

“It’s an entirely different kind of party,” echoed Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash dutifully. They had both been well trained in this particular conversational quirk of their shared marefriend.

Pinkie Pie beamed. “I love you both. My point is, if I went parasailing with you, and parrot selling with Fluttershy, sure, that would be two dates! But this time we did all the same stuff together, so how could it possibly be more than one!?”

“But I’m not dating Fluttershy, so I can’t have been in a date with her!”

They both stared at each other for a moment. “You’re not changing your mind?” asked Pinkie.

“No. Are you?”

“No. You know what this means?”

Rainbow Dash thought about it. She was sticking to her position. Somepony else had a different position. This was pretty simple. “It means you’re wrong?”

“No!” Pinkie Pie leapt upwards and balanced herself bipedally on the back of her and Fluttershy’s bench. All other sound in the carriage stopped, either from everypony paying attention to her or from her sucking in all the available air to make her proclamation. There really was no good way to tell which one it was. “It means,” she said dramatically, “that we are having… a spat!”

Three of the other four nearby ponies gasped as one. Rainbow Dash, though, still felt confused. “A what?”

“Hi!”

Rainbow Dash leapt backwards and hit her head against the window. Twilight Sparkle was sitting next to her. Twilight Sparkle had decidedly not been sitting next to her a moment ago. “Ow!” she said eloquently. “You were over there! Making out with Colgate!”

Twilight’s smile rivaled several of Pinkie’s. “Oh, I know! But then you needed a word defined, so I came over here! Defining words is my special talent, after all.”

Rainbow Dash scowled a little and looked at her friend’s star-covered backside. “Your special talent is magic.”

“Teehee!” She received a condescending pat on the snout for her troubles, as Twilight gazed devoutly toward the train carriage’s ceiling. “You just don’t realize exactly how many things are, in fact, magic. There are more things in magic and on earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Rainbow Dash.”

“I don’t have a philosophy.”

“You have a philosophy of loyalty, bravado, and living in the moment, part of which includes claiming not to have a philosophy.”

“No I don’t.”

“Exactly!”

Maybe it had already turned into one of those nights. “You know what? Fine. Let’s say I have a philosophy. What’s a spat?”

Colgate leaned across the aisle. “A spat is basically a baby oyster. See, when a female oyster loves a male oyster to whatever extent non-sapient species feel love, she releases a whole bunch of eggs into the water, and—”

“Colgate,” said Twilight, “while that may be technically correct, you’re not helping.”

“Yes. Indeed. True. So?”

Twilight made a sound that was half giggle and half groan. “So… shush! Anyway, Rainbow, spat’s really just another word for quarrel. Tiff. Fight. Argument. That sort of thing. In particular, it’s an argument between two ponies romantically involved with one another.”

That made much more sense than that thing about oysters. “Okay,” said Rainbow Dash,” so basically what Pinkie’s saying is that we’re fighting about something, and we love each other, so we have a spat.” Pinkie Pie was at this point deeply embedded in Fluttershy’s face and thus unavailable for comment or clarification.

Twilight clapped her hooves. “Yes! Gold star.”

“The painter bloke, from the market in Ponyville?”

“No, just the expression.”

Colgate sidled over across the aisle, looking relatively ashamed. “Twilight, may I stop shushing if I’m talking about the right definition of spat? I’m sorry about earlier.”

“Sure!”

“Great!” She climbed onto the bench, forcing Rainbow Dash farther back against the window that had earlier proved so painful. “So I’d say yeah, a spat is basically a fight, but the two aren’t synonymous. There wouldn’t be much point in having different words, otherwise. Spat carries this implication that it’s kind of petty, doesn’t amount to much, and will be resolved quickly.”

Rainbow Dash nodded, interested despite herself. “This is a spat, so it’s not a big deal.”

Colgate hesitated. “Maybe! If you two keep quarreling about it, there could be serious consequences for your relationship. And then it wouldn’t have been a spat at all, but a full-on fight!”

“Okay, the spat could go bad, got it.”

“No, it wouldn’t have been a spat at all. Not if it has serious consequences.”

There were hints of a grin dashing around Colgate’s features, and Rainbow Dash couldn’t quite decide if she was being put on about something or if it was just natural smiling. “If it’s serious later, it’s not a spat now,” she said, trying to sum up what she was being told.

“Yes!”

“I… don’t think time works that way.”

“Hey now!” Colgate rotated around to better display her side. “Who of us here has the hourglass for her cutie mark?”

“I thought you had that ’cause you fixed clocks, and liked to read about history and stuff.”

“Or at least the other way around.” The grin revealed itself in full force. “You see, Rainbow Dash, there are more things in hourglasses and on earth than are dreamt of—”

“Yes, right, I get it!” Her wings flapped irritatedly against the hard windowpane. Maybe she should go back to Canterlot and chase some more fireflies. “What I’m hearing is, I should clear up this… thing, in case it doesn’t turn out to be a spat.”

“To have been a spat.”

“Oh, shut up.”

Colgate did not look especially sorry at first, but then turned uncertain, as if maybe she had overstepped her bounds. Twilight was smiling at Rainbow Dash apologetically. Fluttershy and Pinkie were still kissing each other. Rarity and Applejack were probably still off doing their own thing. Some eggs needed to be broken to make an omelet. Rainbow Dash stood up, stretched her forelegs, and forcefully pulled Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie apart. “Right,” she said, “we need to get everypony on good terms now.”

Twilight sighed behind her. “That… probably wasn’t the best way to begin.” Rainbow Dash ignored her.

“Pinkie,” she continued, “Pinkie lovebug or puff tart or whatever, you and I have two different views, and that’s okay! It means we’re not mirror pool clones, and that’s okay too, since that would just be creepy.” Everypony in the carriage shuddered. “So we just need to figure out who’s right! Fluttershy, who is it?”

Fluttershy’s eyes went wide. “Um… who is… what?”

“Who’s right? Come on, just tell us if I’m right, or if Pinkie is, so we can go on with our lives. How many dates is Pinkie Pie on right now?”

Fluttershy looked back and forth between her friend and marefriend, doing a decent job of retreating despite there being a hard back of a bench behind her. “I… don’t think I should adjudicate this one,” she said, mane flat over one eye.

Pinkie Pie cocked an eyebrow. “You don’t think you should stop being queen of something?”

“No!” Rainbow Dash turned to see Twilight standing up on top of the bench. “That’s abdicate. Fluttershy doesn’t want to adjudicate, which means setting something judicially, and, uh…” She looked around, sheepish. “Right, sorry, not the best time for defining terms. Carry on!”

Fluttershy smiled unhappily at Rainbow Dash. “What Twilight said. And, I don’t think it’s my place to settle this for you… if you two are in disagreement, you should work it out together.” She got off the bench and shuffled into the aisle. “Um, I’m going to go talk to Applejack about… um, about… about her pest control program. But I love you both in different ways, and I have faith that you can work this out!”

She walked away. Rainbow Dash looked at the floor, embarrassed. Pinkie Pie looked put out. Twilight managed to make breathing in sound awkward. “Colgate, hun,” she said, “we should probably move elsewhere too. This should really be a private conversation, and—”

“Darlings!”

“—and never mind look everyone here’s Rarity hello Rarity.”

“Applejack and I,” said Rarity, sashaying up the aisle toward them, “were just having the most scintillating discussion about my plans for my new fashion line, but then dear Fluttershy turned up, and I was left without an interlocutor. So I thought, why not come back over here and socialize with my other friends? Tell me, what have I missed?”

Twilight gestured helpfully with one of her hooves. “Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie are having a spat.”

Rarity gasped. “Why, how wonderful!”

Rainbow Dash growled, flying once more to what little air there was in the confined space. She knew exactly where this was going. “I,” she screamed for all to hear, “AM NOT AN OYSTER!!!”

Nopony dared speak for several tense moments.

“No,” said Rarity, slowly and carefully, “I… can’t say I thought you were. Remotely. Ever! May I just ask, what brings this on? Understand that as your friend, I of course wholly support you in your moment of self-discovery! But why is this even an issue?”

“Because I get it!” Rainbow Dash remained hovering, thrusting her accusing face at Rarity’s. “I see the punchline this time. I am using the word to mean a fight, but you’re thinking that I mean an oyster baby, because apparently it means that too, and so really what I’m saying is that Pinkie and I are going to have a baby.”

“Ah.” Rarity put a hoof to her chin. “That makes sense! I withdraw my confusion. Just to be completely clear, you and Pinkie are not having a baby, correct?”

“No! That’s not even possible… is it?” Rainbow Dash hesitated, wings briefly locking up. “Pinkie?” Pinkie shrugged amiably. “Twilight?”

Ask me later, mouthed Twilight, clearly not sure where she should be looking or what she should be doing.

As Rainbow Dash struggled to take in the implications, Pinkie Pie entered the conversation again. “So you knew we’re not having a baby?” she asked Rarity.

“I certainly didn’t suspect anything of the sort.”

Pinkie Pie pouted. “You think it’s wonderful that me and Dashie are having a fight?” Colgate raised a cautious hoof but then apparently thought better of it.

“But of course!” Rarity pretended to fan herself. “What better? Your emotions run high, your bodies are full of energy, all you can think about is each other…” She shivered blissfully. “It’s intoxicating! And then at any time, the very best part!”

Rainbow Dash landed and looked uncertainly at Pinkie, who returned the gesture. Sure, Rarity and Applejack had a sort of weird relationship, but she was certainly being more positive about everything, and that was pretty cool. “What’s the best part?”

“The makeup sex!”

Twilight’s head caught on fire.

Rainbow Dash had more experience than she would like to admit being embarrassed, and sometimes her face did get a little warm. That was blushing, and Fluttershy had assured her one day when they were very young that it was perfectly normal and nothing to be worried about. But Twilight Sparkle had long had an unexplained medical condition of occasionally being on fire – though it never actually seemed to hurt her – and in this case it had apparently been localized to her face. There was a brief moment of panic, followed by another couple moments of wondering if the train had any sprinkler systems, and then everypony in the conversation, besides Twilight herself, started laughing.

“Oh gosh, Twilight!” managed Pinkie Pie, leaning against Rainbow Dash for support. “You should see your face!”

“Let me guess,” said Twilight, flatly. “It’s an unending mask of desperation and pain.”

“Yeah, pretty much!”

Rarity, for her part, merely tittered. “Colgate, dear – is this new? Does she do this often?”

“Nope.” Colgate looked briefly thoughtful. “This is a new extreme. But she is pretty predictable! Watch this.”

Twilight turned to face Colgate, her eyebrows narrowing while still completely on fire. “Colgate, be quiet or I will destroy your family.”

“You’d have to meet them first. But, um, hey, we can talk about that later. So, Twilight, remember your old Winter Wrap-Up saddle?”

“Yes…?”

“How about I wear that tonight? And, you know, I think I have an old riding crop stashed away someplace…”

Twilight burned brighter, and sunk despondently to the floor. “Colgate, I will teleport you to the base of the Crystal Empire, where you must climb a thousand thousand steps to return to the outside world. Also? I might turn you into an orange. I am an incredibly magical unicorn. I can do that.”

“True. And very creative! You know, I don’t think I have enough plans for what else we could do tonight. Want to help?” Twilight gulped. “You could make a checklist.” Twilight whimpered, and the fire expanded around her head.

“I’m threatening your sanity and the lives of your loved ones. I have enough sway with Princess Celestia to possibly get away with it. Also my head is on fire. By all rights you should be taking me seriously.”

“I know, I know, but this is so much more fun.” Colgate looked around her. “Okay, one more touch, then we can go back to solving personal problems and stuff. Rainbow Dash!”

Rainbow Dash snapped to attention, putting aside laughter for the higher cause of embarrassing Twilight Sparkle. “Yes?”

“Kiss Pinkie Pie. Passionately.”

She frowned. “What? But we’re still having a spat, and mmmmph!” Pinkie was obviously unmoved by the mere fact of their being in a spat, and had firmly locked lips with her. As one, they swiveled their gazes to Twilight, who was watching uncomfortably as they became gradually more sensual, hooves running up and down each other’s bodies. Twilight’s face had become pure white, as well as completely engulfed with flames, by the time Rarity finally intervened.

“This is all very amusing, dears – and forgive me, Twilight, but you are quite a sight! – but we really must move on. We’re in severe danger of damaging the Friendship Express at this rate, and I know I shouldn’t like to be the poor public servant charged with figuring out the details.” She knelt down besides Twilight’s flaming form. “Think about bunnies, Twilight. Innocent little bunnies, and kittens, and baby otters and narwhals.” The flames began to subside, with Twilight staring at Rarity with pure gratitude.

“Books!” added Pinkie Pie. “Big, dusty, totally unexciting books about tax reform and land allocation and soil chemical data from past centuries!” The fire continued shrinking, though it would still have looked quite alarming to anyone unfamiliar with Twilight’s medical condition.

“Prince Blueblood,” said Rainbow Dash. “Rose between his teeth. Smirking. In your bed. Wearing socks.” The fire went out in an instant, and there was a general sigh of relief.

“Come on, Twi-bear,” said Colgate, hefting her to her feet. “Let’s go over and talk with Fluttershy. She’s full of nice, calming thoughts to keep you safe, and I think Rarity’s got everything in hoof here.”

Twilight walked with her, muttering sulkily. “I still mean everything I said just now.”

“So did I!”

Another spark of flame licked up from the base of Twilight’s horn, but was mercifully short-lived.

Rarity laughed a graceful laugh and rose back up to all four hooves. “Well! That was certainly exciting. Where were we, after I broke off discussing my new fashion line with Applejack? Weren’t you two having some sort of spat?”

Rainbow Dash looked at Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie looked at Rainbow Dash. They noticed they were still locked in their earlier embrace, and hastily leapt apart.

“So I see.”

“But it’s true!” said Pinkie Pie. “Dashie was a big meanie face about how many dates I’m on right now, and wouldn’t listen to the voice of reason!”

Rarity nodded absently. “Yes, yes, of course. Who was this voice of reason, by the by?”

“I was!”

“I seem to have missed a great deal.”

Pinkie Pie shuffled her hooves a bit and sat down on her original bench. “Huh, that was actually kind of rude. But let’s talk about spats!” She sounded entirely too cheerful. “You said that you end your disagreements through sex. How does that work?”

Rainbow Dash placed a hoof against her face. “Pinkie. Stop. Ask that question differently.”

“Huh? What do… oh! Oh, yeah. I mean, we know how sex works, but how does it end disagreements?”

“Why ever would you want it to do that?” Rarity swept a hoof grandly through the air. “If you resolve a disagreement, you can’t have it again, and then you don’t get to have more makeup sex. It’s a delicious cycle that only works if you’re constantly on edge.”

“You know,” said Rainbow Dash, “I’m not convinced that you and Applejack have a completely healthy relationship.”

Rarity fluttered her eyelashes. “You’re probably right. But it’s worked so far!”

“And you do realize that Pinkie and I aren’t you and AJ, right? We like different stuff, and, uh, we’re apparently kind of different in what we’re comfortable talking about, and…”

Pinkie Pie cut in. “Dashie, hush! She’s trying to help us out, and if you get in a spat with her too, we’re never going to get anywhere!”

Rainbow Dash groaned. “I can’t get in a spat with Rarity because I’m not in love with her. Come on, Pinks, keep up. Twilight covered this one already.”

“She did?”

“Yes! Only you were kissing Fluttershy at the time, so you weren’t listening. Nopony here can be in a spat with more than one pony.”

Rarity coughed. “Except for Pinkie Pie.”

Pinkie looked at her quizzically. “I can? I get special powers of spatitude? Do I carry around a magical spatula or something?”

“Yes, naturally! The first question, at least. You could have a spat with Rainbow Dash, or one with Fluttershy, or both!”

Rainbow Dash leaned against the bench Pinkie was sitting on, eyebrows raised. “Seriously? A spat between Pinkie and Fluttershy?”

“Why not? They are together.”

“Yes, but…” Rainbow Dash waved a front hoof in the air, searching for words to express her objection. “But… a spat.”

“Between me,” added Pinkie, helpfully.

“And Fluttershy.”

Rarity thought about it. “Hmm, quite right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Very well, yes, one spat per pony maximium. And Rainbow Dash and I will simply avoid getting into a tiff. How about that?”

Pinkie Pie looked unimpressed. “Isn’t a tiff just the same thing as a spat, but with more f’s?” They all braced themselves, but Twilight managed not to appear out of nowhere. Clearly the other group had gotten out of earshot. “I guess it might be a little bit longer, or bigger, like a hootenanny compared to a hoedown.”

“I think so,” said Rarity with a nod. “Really I’m not too attached to the word; I simply wished to leave the sanctity of your and Rainbow Dash’s spat undefiled.”

“Thanks! I would feel really bad if anypony broke our spat before we got to fix it ourselves.”

Rainbow Dash groaned audibly, and they both turned to look at her. “Have you girls… are there any words that you got really sick of hearing, like, just a few minutes after you first learned about them? Because I’m getting really sick of this whole spat thing.”

“Diabetes,” answered Pinkie Pie at once.

“Sweetie Belle,” said Rarity, and promptly withered before their gazes. “What? Oh, come on! I was young, she was a baby, and suddenly she was getting all the love and affection and I had to turn to fashion to get anypony to pay attention to me. It was a long time ago. I got over it!”

“Right, fashion!” Rainbow Dash pushed away from the side of the bench and planted her hooves dramatically. “Talking about us isn’t going anywhere, and you love fashion, so let’s talk about that for a bit instead! Rarity, tell us about your new fashion line.”

For a moment, Rarity appeared to have had all her dreams come true in a single instant. Then she became worried. “Ah… my new fashion line? You’re absolutely certain?”

“Sure, why not. This dumb train’s still showing no signs of arriving at Ponyville, and it beats all that sex stuff from earlier.”

“Well… all right.” Rarity stood awkwardly on three hooves, apparently thinking something over. “Let me just begin by answering the question you’re going to ask me: they’re a type of extended footwear that goes over the shoe. Traditionally they’re worn to protect against mud and the like, but I think they can be fashionable all on their own!”

Pinkie looked curious. “Ooh, neat! What can?”

“My next fashion product.”

“Yes, but what are they?”

Rarity gave them a very small, pleading smile. “Spatterdashes. Or, as they’re more commonly known… spats.”

Rainbow Dash punched her.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaapplejaaaaaaaaaaack!” cried Rarity, loud and piercing, and the orange earth pony came running from the back of the carriage. “That… that ruffian!” she moaned, clutching her face and rocking back and forth. “That hooligan! That barbarian! That troglodyte! That ungulate!”

Applejack looked the scene over calmly, one hoof scratching her head underneath her hat. “You mean Rainbow Dash?”

“Of course I mean Rainbow Dash! Would Pinkie Pie hit me in the face?”

“Don’t believe so. …hang on, RD smacked you in the kisser?”

“Yes!”

“Right, then,” said Applejack, and punched Rainbow Dash.

“Ow!” Rainbow Dash leapt into the air, where she would be relatively safe, and glared at all concerned. Pinkie, she noticed, was holding a bucket of popcorn on one side of her and a box of bandages on the other, evidently not sure which would turn out to be more useful. “What the hay, Applejack? What was that for?!”

Applejack looked complacent. “Well, y’all walloped Rarity. And my mare’s something of a lady, and wouldn’t stoop to hitting you back, so she called me over to do it instead.” She paused and looked concerned for the first time since joining the conversation. “I guess? That is what I’m here for, right, Rare?”

“You don’t know?” Rainbow Dash flung up her hooves in irritation. “You just assumed you were supposed to hit me and didn’t even check! What, do you find it fun or something?”

Applejack whistled innocently.

Rarity at last removed her hoof from her face, which, Rainbow Dash had to admit she was glad to see, looked none the worse for having been punched. One of her eyelashes was maybe a little off-kilter, but she could discover that on her own time. She cleared her throat delicately. “Applejack, much as I appreciate your chivalrous action, it is not why I called you over.”

“It’s not?” Applejack frowned. “Shucks. Sorry about that, RD. Next time I’ll try and make it count for something.”

“Next time?!” Rainbow Dash landed, full of rage. “You can’t just say you’re going to hit me again sometime and you’ll totally try and find a good excuse for it! You know who spends most of her life not hitting me?”

Pinkie Pie popped up between them, hopeful and adorable. “Me?”

“…well, yeah, you. I was actually going to say everypony ever, but yeah, Pinks, you’re a fine example.”

“Thanks! You don’t hit me either, which is great, since this way neither of us have to report each other to local authorities for domestic abuse!”

Applejack didn’t seem to have been paying attention to any of this. “So, Rarity, what am I over here for? Not that I mind, of course, but Twilight was doing this great trick with a deck of cards…”

Rarity raised an imposing hoof, taking instant control over the conversation. “Yes. You see, Applejack, Rainbow Dash hit me.”

“Yeah, and I hit her back.”

“Not the point. You, Applejack, don’t hit me.”

“Of course not! My Granny brought me up better than that.”

“But how am I supposed to know you love me if you never hit me?”

Pinkie Pie popped up again. “Have you tried calling her dearest?”

Applejack sighed heavily. “Sure have, Pinkie. Rarity, are we talking about our private lives in public again? Just how much salt did you have back at the bar?”

“I don’t think asking me that is very polite,” said Rarity, and sniffed.

“Neither is hitting you.”

“Exactly!”

“…right, then.” Applejack looked around curiously. “How you doing, Pinkie Pie? You’re acting a mite less talkative than usual.”

“Oh, I’m doing all right!” She passed Applejack the popcorn bucket for a few seconds. “Rainbow Dash and I are having a spat, which kind of sucks, but we keep getting sidetracked and in the process we get excuses to make out and stuff, so overall the night’s going pretty well with only minor injuries! Also I’ve been practicing my knitting.”

Everypony blinked. “Wait,” said Rainbow Dash, “what was that last part?”

“The minor injuries?”

“No, the knitting.”

“Oh!” Pinkie reached under her bench and pulled out a mostly-finished navy blue knitted cap. “I’ve been working on this in the background while everypony else’s been catching on fire and stuff. Pound Cake has a birthday coming up, and Fluttershy agreed to teach me to knit recently, so I’ve been practicing by making him a cap!”

Applejack shook her head. “Huh! That’s remarkably earthponyish of you, Pinkie. Nice work. So what’s a spat, then?”

Rainbow Dash groaned. Not only was this whole night going nowhere, now it was going in circles. “It’s a petty fight between two lovers. Or a baby oyster. Or a shoe thing. But mostly the first one.”

“Right!” said Pinkie. “And Rarity was trying to help us fix it, I think, maybe, but then Dashie punched her instead.”

Applejack nodded slowly. “And why did she do that?”

“Oh, they got in a tiff.”

“What’s a tiff?”

“It’s a lot like a spat!”

Applejack thought this over for a few seconds. Then she punched Rainbow Dash again.

“Oww! What in Tartarus was that one for?!”

“For macking on my girl,” said Applejack, and breathed on her hoof with some satisfaction. “Way I hear it, you and Rarity got in a lovers’ quarrel, and if y’all’re lovers now, this is the first I’ve heard of it and I’d’ve liked to have been informed.”

Pinkie Pie gulped. “Oh! Whoops, um, I guess I should have clarified. You see, a tiff is a lot like a spat, but the way they’re not alike is we’re saying tiffs don’t need to be between lovers.”

“Is that so?” Applejack looked wistful. “You know, I’m starting to suspect I’ve got no idea what’s going on here at all.”

Rainbow Dash leaned menacingly towards her. “I didn’t hear an apology in there.”

“Sorry.”

“That’s better.” Rainbow Dash sighed and abandoned her menacing posture in favor of a dejected slump against her friend’s side. “Applejack… what went wrong?”

“You’re going to need to be a lot more specific than that, sugarcube.”

“I mean tonight. We all had this great time on our fancy multiple date thing at Canterlot, right?” She carefully avoided naming any specific number of dates. “But then from practically the moment we got on this train, it’s like everypony’s had an agenda to make fun of me, or embarrass me, or somehow make me feel like everything’s my fault. And I don’t get half of it and I just want to make out with Pinkie Pie and forget about the world.”

“Oh, I like that idea!” said Pinkie, from behind her cap-in-progress.

“Aw, RD,” said Applejack. “If it helps, I don’t have any evil plans. Well, okay, I’ve been having some fun smacking you, but I promise not to hit you again tonight.”

Rainbow Dash smiled weakly. “Yeah?”

“Sure thing. You’re still swinging by tomorrow to help out with the cider pressing, right?”

“Yeah… why?”

Applejack whistled innocently again. “No reason. Seriously, though, I get it. Sometimes our friends get a bit extreme with some of the stuff they do, and when that happens, it’s best to just sit back and watch and enjoy. Not your fault if you happened to get caught up in a whole bunch of it at once.”

Rainbow Dash let out a long sigh of relief. “You’re right. You’re completely right. I love you, Applejack.”

Rarity slapped her.

“Owww!”

“For macking on my girl,” explained Rarity, and hesitated. “I… think? Did I get the phrasing right there, dearest?”

“Sure did,” said Applejack, turning to Rainbow Dash so that Rarity couldn’t see her rolling eyes. “You sounded like a real country girl for a moment.” Rarity beamed. “Mind you, I’m pretty sure RD meant the whole thing platonic-like.”

“Oh!” Rarity put her hoof to her chin again. “That does make more sense. My apologies, Rainbow Dash.”

“No, no, it’s okay, I kind of saw it coming at that point.”

“Nonetheless, I do feel guilty! Rainbow Dash… what would you say if Applejack and I went back to join the others, and let you and Pinkie Pie sort this out on your own? I’m not at all sure we’ve been very helpful.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” said Rainbow Dash. “Let me know if Twilight’s on fire again.”

“Bye, Rarity!” said Pinkie Pie. “Bye Applejack!”

“We’re only going to the other side of the carriage,” said Applejack. “But y’all two have fun.”

They walked off, lightly bickering. Rainbow Dash gave herself a few seconds to resume normal breathing, and then turned to look at Pinkie. Pinkie looked back at her. Neither said anything.

“So,” said Rainbow Dash at last.

“So.”

“This… is stupid. Like, really really stupid.”

Pinkie gasped. “Oh, good, you think so too! I thought it got stupid a long time ago, but I didn’t want to say anything in case you were still offended!”

“Hey, you were the one who was offended! Well, I guess I got a bit offended because you were offended, but that barely counts.”

“Well, it was barely worth getting offended about. Not when we could be happy instead! Toot my horn and call me laughter, but I think being happy’s a lot more fun than being offended.”

Rainbow Dash nodded. “Yeah, sort of. Actually, I think I figured out the point of the whole spat thing.” She said it like it was a dirty word. “Mind if I sit?”

“Only if you don’t sit next to me!”

“Can do.” She curled up against Pinkie Pie. “See, Pinks, I never thought I’d say that, but sometimes I can get used to you.”

Pinkie made some necessary noises of shock. “Do I need to step up my game?”

“You probably do, a little, yeah.”

“Any game in particular?”

“All of them?”

“Golly! Even the kissing games?”

“Definitely the kissing games.”

Pinkie leaned in and stepped up her game. Rainbow Dash moaned happily. “Right,” she said after recovering, “so, spats. Spats give us a break from being happy with each other, so we can get a taste of not being happy with each other, and how much it sucks. Y’know? Then that makes us appreciate being happy with each other all the more afterwards.”

“Cue the makeup sex?”

“Exactly! But not on the train.”

Pinkie laughed. “If you insist! Still, I haven’t had any spats with Fluttershy, or if I have, they’ve been really subtle ones. So what’s that all about?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Eh, I dunno. Guess there’s more stuff in romance and earth than my philosophy’s dreaming about, or whatever the whiz kids kept quoting. If you two get along without, or AJ and Rarity get along with nothing but, that’s your deal, right?”

“Totally right!” Pinkie Pie ran a hoof through Rainbow Dash’s thoroughly disheveled mane. “Hey, Dashie! I’m a super-smart super-pretty romantic genius too, by the way!”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah! I figured out our original spat. The whole idea of us and dates? Let alone countable ones? So pointless.”

“How’s that?”

“Well, I love you! And you love me. And the same stuff goes with Fluttershy, of course, but that’s not the focus here. And the idea of, I dunno, pointing to this particular period of time or activity and saying this is a date, but that other time isn’t, it’s like saying that we’re only in love some of the time, and the rest of the time we just happen to know each other! And that’s terrible.”

Rainbow Dash grinned. “So you’re not on one or two dates, you’re on zero.”

“Exactly!”

“And when you throw a party, you’re really saying that the rest of your life isn’t a party.”

“Oh gosh, you’re right! Shoot shoot shoot, that’s an awful result, let me start over. Or maybe I just need a different word to keep them straight. How do you feel about life being a party, but events being celebrations?” She pulled out the notepad again. “Be totally honest, I need marketing feedback here!”

Rainbow Dash sighed. “Sounds… fine, I guess?”

“Okay! And what if we called you and me fighting a spat, but Rarity and Applejack a donnybrook?”

“Look, Pinkie…”

“Ooh! And okay, so, if Twilight and Colgate get shouty, we can call it a time out, ’cause Colgate’s cutie mark is an hourglass, and—”

“Pinkie.” Rainbow Dash put a hoof against her lips. “Do I need to make you shut up for a second?”

Pinkie grinned impishly back at her. “I think you do!”

Rainbow Dash returned the grin. Then they made out and forgot about the world.

Author's Note

Spike is not suitable company for a group date night. Just getting that out of the way before someone complains. Also nobody ever calls that painter bloke "Gold Star," but I don't really care.