Granny Smith's Dating Advice
You see, Apple Bloom, it's quite simple...
"Of course, this implies certain things about our reality. Since time travel can only cause itself, it demonstrates..." Cheerilee kept on with the lesson, though it wouldn't matter if she did or not to one young Apple Bloom. Her attention was firmly on the colt to her right. To her, he was only the finest stallion in all the land.
"Miss Cheerilee," the pinnacle of all that is and should be asked, "My mum said I had a choice between a cookie and a brownie last night. I took the cookie, of course, but are you saying I didn't really get to pick?" Apple Bloom would kill to listen to that accent all day. He could read the phonebook for all she cared.
"Hmm, not quite." Cheerilee started to reply. Apple Bloom realized this was not the most beautiful being speaking and instead her teacher. She decided she should probably be paying attention and attempted to look busy. Cheerilee continued, "it's more like the choice never existed, and you were always going to pick the cookie." Apple Bloom wondered, how does his singing voice sound? Does it still have the accent? Does he have spots under his mane too? She wondered if he'd look silly next Nightmare Night if he wore the eyepatch over his other eye. The spot already tells him where to put it anyway! Does he have to use different soaps for the spots? Would his cutie mark account for the spot? What would his cutie mark be? He's sort of wonderful at everything and-
"Apple Bloom!" Cheerilee shouted. "Would you mind not staring at your classmates and tell us what this implies about morality?"
"Uh... Don't steal from the cookie jar, Miss Cheerilee?"
The classroom erupted in riotous laughter.
Cheerilee sighed. "Alright, alright, settle down. Let's cut the lesson here and resume tomorrow. Be sure to look over your notes tonight; there'll be a quiz over what we've covered tomorrow!"
As the rest of the class ran out the door, Apple Bloom looked at what she had.
...Well, at least she knew where all the spots went.
"Whatever," she told herself. "I'll just go look at Scootaloo's notes."
"Finally Apple Bloom! We've been waiting!" Scootaloo shouted to her friend who had just stepped out of the schoolhouse.
"But not that long!" Sweetie Belle added. "It's only been two minutes since school let out."
"But it's felt like two-thousand-million-billion-superzillion minutes!" Scootaloo buzzed with excitement.
"Feelings don't necessarily correspond to reality!" Sweetie Belle added. "At least I think that means what I think it does."
"Well Apple Bloom, let's - hey! Are you even with us?" Scootaloo said.
"Huh?" Apple Bloom's eyes snapped open. "Oh, uh, yeah! Maybe," she said as she remembered to step down from the doorway.
Scootaloo hopped closer to her friend. "Well get with us, 'cause today's the day we get our giant robot cutie marks!"
"It'll have a rocket punch and a rocket kick!" Sweetie Belle added.
Scootaloo spinned to fiercely face her other friend. "What kind of giant robot has a rocket kick!?"
"Well every giant robot has a rocket punch, but what alien monster is expecting the kick?" Sweetie Belle countered, sitting and crossing her forelegs, certain in her ironclad logic.
Scootaloo scoffed. "How will it stand up after we add the missile pod?"
"Well duh." Sweetie Belle stuck out her tongue to accent it. "The missile pod is more obvious than the rocket punch! Every alien monster will see it coming!"
"That's the dumbest-" Scootaloo suddenly turned her head around. "Hey, Apple Bloom, you're awfully quiet. What's up?"
Apple Bloom sighed and faced away from her friends. "I don't think I can join in today."
The other two crusaders gasped. "But we said we'd make the biggest giantest robot today!" Scootaloo exclaimed.
Apple Bloom kept her head low. "Sorry girls, I've... just gotta do something else."
Scootaloo blinked. "It's about him isn't it?"
Apple Bloom spun around, her face as red as her mane. "H-h-how'd you g-guess?"
"You stared at him for two hours straight. You memorized his spots." Sweetie Belle added.
"You've got me red-hoofed," Apple Bloom admitted. "Sorry about this."
"Aw shucks, it's okay," Scootaloo said. "If we let you work on the robot like this, it'd just shoot hearts instead of gamma beams."
"Only some alien monsters are weak to love. All of them dread gamma beams." Sweeite Belle added.
"So what's the plan, Apple Bloom?" Scootaloo asked. "Gonna go dazzle Mr. Romeo?"
"Heh, I wish," Apple Bloom replied, still blushing some. "I think if I move in that suddenly I'll just scare him off. I can't risk it like that. I'm gonna ask how to go about it."
"Well, good luck with it. We'll be rooting for you!" Scootaloo said with a huge smile.
"But quietly and from a distance so as not to ruin the moment." Sweetie Belle added.
Scootaloo snapped her head at Sweeite Belle. "Do you have to qualify everything I say?"
"Yes!" Sweetie said with a giant grin.
"You didn't qualify that!"
"I didn't need to!"
"You never needed to!"
"Some of your statements are ambiguous!"
"You don't even know what that word means!"
Apple Bloom had long since left.
Applejack grinned sheepishly. Not often a pony comes to your room to ask about love. "Shucks, Apple Bloom. It warms my heart to see my little sister's growing up so fast, but I ain't got a clue how to handle that mushy stuff."
Apple Bloom, sitting on Applejack's bed, looked shocked. "Really? Nopony's come to admit their undying passion for you?"
Applejack blushed and tried to hide under her hat, still grinning. "Well, if you call walking up to a pony with a flower in hoof, looking half-crazed, and sputtering a bit before running off, well, that, I suppose you could try it."
Apple Bloom considered it. "Nah, that sounds less romantic and more... threat to public safety? But are you saying you never had a crush yourself?"
"I ain't saying that, sugarcube." Applejack glanced left, then right, then left again, checked that the window was closed and the door was shut, and leaned in. "I'm gonna tell you something I ain't told nopony else. You gotta promise to keep it a secret. And I mean tell nopony or your hairbows are going on the next bonfire."
Apple Bloom gasped. "I swear, it ain't leaving this room, cross my heart."
"Well... I sorta had a crush once on Braeburn."
"WHAT?!"
"Shhh! Not so loud!" Applejack glanced right, then left, then right again, and left again to make sure. "It was during a family reunion, when I was a filly about your age. I hadn't seen him in years and I thought he was so handsome! Never occurred to me he was my cousin the whole time.
"I told Granny about it, and she whacked me on the head so hard, I think the knot made my hat sit funny for a month. I got the message pretty quick."
Apple Bloom fell off the bed laughing. "That's - heehee - the silliest thing - snrk - I've heard all week!"
"Remember. Tell nopony."
Apple Bloom waved her hooves in the air, still restraining giggles. "I won't! I - hee - won't! Whew!" She got up off the floor. "Still, as silly as that is, it doesn't really help me much."
"Sorry, sugarcube. You're asking the wrong pony about this. All I can tell you is to be honest with yourself, but that don't tell you much, does it?"
Apple Bloom smiled somewhat sadly. "Well, it tells me what not to do, and I suppose that's a starting point."
"That's the spirit!" Applejack said. "Maybe ask somepony with a little more experience?"
"That's a great idea! I know just who to ask too. Thanks for your help Applejack!" Apple Bloom sprang to her feet and trotted out of the room with a smile on her face.
"No problem, sis!" Applejack yelled out the door. As soon as she saw Apple Bloom was gone, Applejack shut the door and glanced left, right, then left again, and never quite stopped glancing. She didn't quite have it in her to tell Apple Bloom she had a new flame. She pulled the drawer out of her nightstand, and lifted it, revealing a secret compartment containing only a photograph of a stallion.
"Oh Silverstar," an anguished Applejack wistfully wailed to the pictured pony. "How will I ever convince a no-nonsense pony like you to let a silly mare like me take the mustache ride?"
Apple Bloom found Big Macintosh carrying bushels of apples into the barn. This was the assumed modus operandi on Sweet Apple Acres. "Big Mac, can you help me with something?"
Big Mac paused for a bit, then a moment, then a while, deep in thought. Finally the silence was broken in two assured syllabes. "Eeyup." Big Mac knew he was the wise down-to-earth older brother type. He could answer anything with his down-to-earth homespun wizzdom. He was confident. He was on his A-game.
"It's about this boy I like..."
B-game. "Hold on there, what now?"
"He's really handsome and funny and..."
C-game. "Apple Bloom I don't think-"
"Did I mention he's handsome? And he has the best accent..."
D-game. "You should really ask somepony else-"
"You and Miss Cheerilee went on dates again, didn't you? How'd you do it?"
Completely fumbling. "A-Apple Bloom how did you- that's not-"
"What was it? Flowers? Candy? Did you sing her a song? Maybe it was a teary heartfelt confession like in the movies! Or did you bend over and-"
"Apple Bloom!" Big Macintosh had utterly lost the game. The coach cut him from the team. He'd have to find employment with a new metaphor. "P-please, go bug somepony else with... with whatever it is! I ain't got time for no love or romance!" He stormed away into the orchard, as if to repel questions with an aura of huff. He saw three daisies in a cluster. They wore mocking little masks. They fluttered in the breeze as if to laugh at him and tell him again of his failures. He lunged at them in rage and trampled them into the dirt. The flowers' masks were broken. He felt accomplished and vindicated. He stood still, his mane wavering in the same breeze, to savor the catharsis.
Apple Bloom had saw the whole thing. She had no idea what she had just saw. She thought he was batshit crazy.
But in nicer words.
The clock in the living room struck 5 PM. Apple Bloom sat on the couch, wondering when Granny Smith would show up. She was either waking up from nap 4a or going to nap 3b, unless nap 3a' had entered emergency overtime. Granny Smith was routine in her naps. Her grandchildren had mapped out the entire system. Every day added more evidence. A loud thud was wed to a shout of "Dangnabbit!" It was nap 4a ending. Apple Bloom was relieved. The system still held.
Whereas her siblings didn't have much to share, Apple Bloom knew her grandmother had to have something, considering her own existence. Apple Bloom was certain of that, that she existed, at least. Perhaps her mother too had gone through the same thing, asking for help with a crush.
Apple Bloom suddenly felt perplexed. She had to have a mother, since she after all was. But she had no idea what kind of pony her mother was. Her relatives never talked about her. She was never mentioned during any of the reunions. No photograph was ever identified as the link between Apple Bloom and Granny Smith.
She decided that existential terror was not very useful at the current moment and that she would put off until the next reunion. After all, she had a hunk to score.
The hunk is the important part.
Assorted grumbles and curses climbed down the stairs, heralding their progenitor. Granny Smith had fallen out of bed, a regular occurrence after nap 4a. They had briefly considered telling her to select a better stop to nap, but that would have destroyed the entire system and throw Sweet Apple Acres into chaos.
"Heya Granny!" Apple Bloom said.
"Who-sa whats-it- oh! It's you, Apple Bloom!" Granny Smith said, cheering up. "How're things?"
"Well..." Apple Bloom hesitated, but she didn't really have options left. "There's this colt I like, and he's really handsome, and-"
"Oh-oh-oh my!" Granny Smith shouted. "You dang kids grow up too fast these days! Why, back in my day, I was grown up and living on my own before I even met your grandfather! Dang fillies don't even wait until they have their cutie marks these days!
"Well you better pull up a seat and-" Granny Smith blinked. "Oh. Dang kids, already sitting. I can't keep up with you younglings anymore!" Granny sat down in - or more accurately fell on to - the chair opposite the couch. She took a good, long hard look at her granddaughter. "Well, I guess if I don't tell you, you'd find out from your... rap music or your violent video games." She grumbled under her breath. This was her cue that the other member(s) of the conversation now had the floor.
Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow. "What's a video ga- never mind. You've met him be-"
"Quiet you! I'm tryin' to think!" Granny Smith tried to think. She thought. "Look at you, you've still not got a cutie mark!"
"I know, Granny," Apple Bloom said mustering as much spite as she could at her dear grandmother.
Granny Smith sighed. "Shucks, I guess if you insist so much, I can't stop you from finding out. Well you see, Apple Bloom, stallions have a... thingy."
"A... thingy?"
"You know... goodness don't make your dear old grandmother blush! So... he takes his thingy and he puts it in your... your... thingy and uh..."
Apple Bloom stared in bewilderment.
"He takes his thingy and he thingies his thingy and the thingies and your thingy will thingy and..." Granny started pulling at her mane. "Agh! He puts the tool in the hoo-hah! You follow me?"
"No."
"You have lobster kettle!" Granny shouted.
Apple Bloom blinked. "I don't think I can afford to get that at a restaurant."
Granny was desperate. "No, no, no, I mean blanket hornpipe!"
"Granny this ain't making no sense. How am I supposed to tell this colt I like him with lobsters and thingies?"
Granny buried her face in her hooves. "I give up, I guess you kids aren't so far gone... who is he, anyway?"
Apple Bloom perked up. Maybe things were finally going her way! "You've met him; he's that colt from Trottigham! He's-"
"Oh, the foreigner," Granny Smith said with as much venom as she could muster. "Listen here Apple Bloom, if you tell me one more word about the foreigner I am going to kick you out of this house so fast your little filly head will spin! I ain't gonna have no grandkids throwing the Apple Family name into the trash can!"
Apple Bloom was so shocked she fell off the couch. "Granny! You don't mean that, do you? He's a nice pony!"
"Oh, dear, you don't know what they'll do to Equestria. you think they're here to be nice and live in the greatest country in the world, but noooo.
"They're here out of jealously! They want to destroy us!" Granny Smith flailed her front legs to accent the panic. Apple Bloom gulped. "They send sleeper agents like that foreigner to get friendly with us, to look like our friends, to make us let our guard down... and that's when they strike!"
"But Granny," Apple Bloom asked, "who's 'they'?"
"Good question! Why it's no other than the Illumipony!" The windows rattled. Granny Smith jumped out of the chair. "Y'hear that?! Get your tinfoil hat! They're trying to break in! Apple Bloom, don't tell me you led the foreigner here!"
Granny Smith fell to the floor and started sobbing. "Oh please no, don't tell me the New World Order has started! Princess Celestia, you were a fine lass, and I am so sorry I let the Zionists win! I'll fight to my last breath to restore the Equestria you fought and died for!"
Apple Bloom blinked. "Um, Granny, I think the windows rattled not because of an evil takeover, but because you keep screaming."
"Oh. Um, mind lending your dear old granny a hand?" Apple Bloom did so. "Um... where was I?"
Apple Bloom tapped her chin. "You were saying something about Illumiponies and and New World Orders and Zionists. What's a Zion?"
Granny dismissively waved a hoof. "Who knows? Some hill somewhere. But the Illumipony controls the banks and the media! They've led the masses to believe everything is alright in Equestria and are biding their time until the moment is right! They're gonna lead the docile sheeponies into EEMA camps and establish a new era of terror!
"And don't think the princesses could stop them!" Granny Smith furrowed her brow. "Y'see, they've got this device called the Energy Catalyst, and it's got enough power in it to blow them away! They'll blast Celestia into next week!"
"What about the Elements of Harmony?" Apple Bloom asked meekly.
"We can't be sure about those either! That unicorn friend of your sister's... what was her name? Rodney? The way she hangs out with those high fashion types makes me concerned she's secretly with them, spying on us! You see the way she keeps eyeing Applejack? If I didn't know better, I'd she was looking for an opportunity to neutralize her! The Illumipony don't have no use for honesty! They'll lie and lie to serve themselves!
"So I'm telling you right now Apple Bloom, if you love your sister, your princesses, your country, for Pete's sake, do not, and I mean do not mess around with that foreigner!"
Applejack walked past Apple Bloom's room and noticed the door was open. Peering inside, she saw the room's owner, face buried in a pillow. "Now, what in tarnation has my little sister so upset?"
Apple Bloom mumbled something, rendered incomprehensible by her pillow muffling her words.
"You and Granny have The Talk?" Applejack asked. Apple Bloom nodded, so Applejack continued. "Well don't let it get to you. I know it sounds strange and gross, but you and your special somepony will cross that bridge when you get to it."
Apple Bloom turned her head a little, so Applejack could hear. "But what about the Illumipony takeover?"
"Oh, that The Talk." Applejack's voice couldn't help but betray her frustration. "Apple Bloom, I'll be frank: your Granny's nuttier than a gay squirrel orgy at wintertime. There ain't no Illumipony and we're in no danger of highly trained black pegasus squads breaking in to our homes and deporting us."
"Granny didn't mention that part."
"Well Apple Bloom," Applejack said reassuringly, "she changes the story each time. I'm not even sure where she gets half of the ideas she has. Why, when I was a little filly she told me the same thing, that the end of the Equestria I knew and love was gonna be over soon. Well, I'll say, I'm still waiting."
"Well, thanks Applejack, but I kinda guessed that anyway. I'm just bummed I still ain't got a clue about how to tell him how I feel."
Applejack sighed. "I wish I could tell you, but all I've got is just to be honest with yourself. And if he turns out to be a cryptofacist, why, just buck his teeth out."
Apple Bloom laughed, finally. "Heheh, I guess so. Thanks Applejack."
Applejack smiled and walked into the hallway. "Well, alrighty. See you at suppertime?" she asked.
"Yeah," Apple Bloom answered. Applejack shut the door and walked downstairs. Alone, Apple Bloom mused to herself.
"Sheesh, boys are complicated."
Author's Note
I'll probably make some long rambling address in the blog like usual with these things.
