Ask Ribston the Treasure Hunter

by RibstonGrowBack

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Braeburn, Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Applejack, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 2803

The adventures of a wandering unicorn working for the Royal Treasure Hunters Agency...

After Discord was banished once again by the new heroins of harmony, the Guard noticed that lots of artifacts were stolen from the castle. The heroins of harmony were too busy with their researches on the magic of Friendship, and the Princesses had no other choice than founding the RTHA, the Royal Treasure Hunters Agency. Our story begins with one of them, a unicorn called Ribston Pippin...

Published 2013-05-20 10:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-20 10:50:03 UTC

The hunter

“Mr Pippin… What am I supposed to do with you?”
There she goes.
“See, I don’t mind you doing your job, not at all, but if you could just stop only bringing back old pots and lame statues, that would be great.”
That IS my job, you alga-maned wench, what do you think, that I’m here to make money go in your pocket?
That’s what I wanted to answer, but this mare was my chief and this job, not that bad. I answered calmly without any expression:
"Yes, Mrs Greed."
She frowned. I love making her frown. That’s the only moment her khaki face is bearable, when her ridiculously tiny nose finally pops out of her enormous cheeks
"It’s Mrs Green. How many times do I have to tell you?" (as she tries to keep her calm, I grin discretely)
"Yes ma’am, I’ll try to."
"You’d better if you want to keep that job, because…"
…And she kept lecturing me for one our or two, it’s funny how this pegasus tried to disguise a defeat in a victory. I never obeyed her on that point and she knews I never would, and as a revenge she tried her best to buck me out and humiliate me. But she couldn’t, since even if was not daring do, I was one of her best treasure hunters. Maybe that’s what annoyed her the most, I was the only unicorn in a section of pegasii. For her, I didn’t belong here and still I was better than the most of the others.
When she finished, I nodded with a scoffer smile and bowed ironically before leaving.
Good old Mist Chaser was awaiting me outside.
"Sup’ dude? he said."
"Well nothing. Green Waves is still as stupid as always."
That’s where I noticed the white colt had a bag on his flanks, and a few injuries, and that his brown mane was burnt.
And he was smiling, of course.
I always wondered if his brain was smart enough to feel pain.
“Well, I can see you got lucky with that dragon cave.”
"I sure was my green-maned fellow."
I smiled at his pun, he likes to mimic my words.
That pony is funny, and even restores my faith in pegasity.
"Hey, ye’ll never be able to completely mimic that Canterlotian class, chummy."
"Well played bud. Yeah, that cave was cool, I brought back that old crystally thingey the princesses used for…err… dragon beating… hum… It was Raggy-O-whatever-I-don’t-care’s jewel."
"Raggy the Elder?"
"Ah guess."
"Good one.
"Eeyup."
-Well, I have to go. As we say in my familly: “See ya pardner!”.
I said those words with the ridiculous blinks my cousin always used. He sighed. “Oh no”, I thought, “Is he going to lecture me too? When did he grow up?!”
"Ribston, that’s not ‘cause ye have an apple name that’ you’re trully an apple"
There he goes…
"I’m an apple, I just choosed another way of life."
"Yeah, that’s what I said. So stop it, ye know what I think of your familliy, stop mocking them.
I sighed too. Sometimes this colt was a real pain in the plot.
"Understood. Good bye."
"Bye bro, and try to keep that yellow fur on ye flanks."
And on those words I left the agency's buildings.
Eeyup, we were in the Royal Treasure Hunters Agency, at their majesties service. When discord got banished, we noticed some powerfull artifacts were gone. The princesses, too busy with their work, founded us. I was a nineteen years old and broke apple unicorn who left appleoosa as a revolt against my parents, now I’m a twenty-two years old canterlotian owner of a nice house with a gigantic library and a treasure hunter.
I visit and pluder ancient caves to bring back the powerfull objects scattered around Equestria and beyond, hoping that things won’t crumble during in the process or while I'm out.
Like that one time with the changelings (still, greatest wedding ever, we had fun battling side by side Daring, Mist and me).
If you’re curious of my next destination, or if you’re curious of, well, me, just ask, I’m here!
I’ll try to read your letters when I’m home, otherwise Derpmail express will send it in the current dungeon I’m visiting. I don’t how that mare with the golden eyes always manage to get me even if I’m struggling with an elder horror from the Old World, but as long as I got my mail…

____________________________

Always have tequila when you go to an adventure.
~The Iron Pony Maiden

That’s when I got to my house (after the khaki head mare incident) that I received that letter. Derpy was at the door ready to knock as I whispered right into her hear:
“Hello”
I’m pretty sure she beat a world record with the jump she made. When she realized I wasn’t a Dalek, she landed and smiled at me.
“What are we going to do with you Mr Pippin?” She said with her cute smile.
"You’re the second person to ask it today, but I’m afraid I still haven’t got any answer my dear mailmare."
She smiled again, looking at me with her valid hey while the other was probably linked to other dimensions.
"You know you can call me Derpy."
"And you also now that you can call me Ribston, and that none of us will call the other by his name!”
As we laughed together, I noticed she wore perfume, and that her yellow mane was perfectly cut, for once, even after her long day of work (one does not simply keeps its mane straight while fliying at seventy miles an hour).
"I smell that somepony’s out on a date tonight, am I right?"
She blushed.
"As observative as always aren’t you? Yes, the doctor and are going to the Opera."
"Oh, wich one?"
"I don’t remember. I’ m not so good with operas or music, but I like the music and it reminds the doctor of his… err… Land."
"Yes, of course."
The doctor was a common friend, from somewhere near Eagland Derpy said. And with all that chatting, we almost forgot my letter. But Derpy has a good memory, and said:
“Oh! And here’s your letter Mr Pippin, it comes from Prance aparently. I’m sorry I can’t stay any longer, but it was nice to see you!”
She was taking off, but I held her.
"Wait! You’ve got to tell me, how do you always manage to find me even in the depth of pony hell?"
She laughed again and blinked at me.
"That’s a Derpmail express secret Mr Pippin!"
And she flew away.
I entered my home, a nice little house in the a-little-less-chic-that-others neighborhood.
I went to my office and opened it.
And here’s my answer:
“Dear Iron, actually, no. Alcohol is for the after mission, you’d not want to get your Applevulin bottle smashed by a Diamond Dog.
Unless you’re my colleague Rude Awakening, who uses the “drunken mare” technique and just zig-zags her way to the treasures while insulting the pavement and vomiting on the monsters till they beg for mercy.”

I posted it and decided I could that a day, and climbed the stairs in order to get some sleep.

____________________________

I don’t like Green Waves, as you saw, and the next day, when I got out to take my morning paper I got two letters.
One from one of my followers, and one from that old mare.

I opened it.

Mission. Lankyroot Jungle. Fez of power. Bring it back.
~Green Waves

Simple and efficient as always.
So I finished my breaksfast and went upstairs to my office where all my maps were. I soon find the Lankyroot Jungle Northwest from Canterlot, just near Appleoosa. I learnt that these mountains were responsible for the special climate in the jungle, when there’s nothing around but sand and apples. Actually, the Lankyroot jungle had a tropical microclimate due to the mountains that traps the humidity of clouds. They cannot escape the mountain, except if there’s too much of them. That’s why the sky is always grey in there.
That was for the annoying bits.
The interesting bits were in my bookshelf (Oh glorious bookshelf!). There was a thousands years old book of an adventurer who wrote about the local legends of a Diamond Dog tribe worshiping some kind of Rain Spirit which would be able to make Diamond Trees grow, and that the fez would be his mark of power.
Also, the book had a map which indicated the path through the mountains. It was very complicated, full of annotations saying things like “don’t go there, or die.”.
Actually, mostly “don’t go there, or die.”.
It sounded nice, so I took my flankpacks and went to a friend of mine’s place.
I went out in the fresh air of Canterlot, the sun was high in the sky and the streets were shining, as always.
I walked across Derpy who had just the time to wave at me while being chased by Canterlot police. Again. She was flying fast, but her flight was very irregular, and she was often hitting stuff, and the guards caught her.
She gave them her “I don’t know what went wrong” to which nopony can answer without being rude. This mare is far more intelligent than you’d think. She blinked at me before taking off with her bag full of mail. I continued to walk until I reached Gem’s house.
Well, by saying house, I might be a little bit too… Nice?
Let’s say things how they are: It was a garage.
And a lab.
And a factory.
As I walked in front of the door Gemstone popped out and grabbed me inside his wonderland, full of metallic things and bubbling liquids.
“Hello Ribs! How’s it going? Well I’m fine. I got something for you to test. Here, take this, and this, oh and also this. You know the stuff, I only upgraded them a little bit. Take care and don’t die!”
And after putting his stuff in my flankpacks he tossed me outside.
I like that guy, when he’s not on some super-secret project, like he seemed to be.
On my way back, I checked what he put in my packs. A glue gun, very useful, but the glue was violet instead of being blue, as always, which meant he had improved it; There also was the usual grappling hook gun, but that one had spikes on the claws, for a better grip I guess, and some kind of lighter which had three modes: little flame, medium flame and dragon breath, as I experienced when I tried it out.
I told you that colt was nice.
As I entered my house, I noticed my second letter.
I opened it.

Hope you have guns
~Soleilnocturne

I stared at it for three second, then wrote:
“You have no idea”

____________________________

« Flankpacks, check.
Weird stuff from Gem, check.
Compass, check.
Hat, check.
Suit, check.
Rope, check.
Train ticket, check.
Cousin informed…
Oops. »
I still had to inform my cousin.
Appleoosa is far away from here, so I needed a place to stay. I would totally love to stay in a hotel, but the agency would just tell me that there’s no funds for that. Horseapples. In fact, anywhere BUT one of my family’s place would be wonderful, if I didn’t need a bed and a shelf to store the numerous documents I needed.
I never go on an in-out trip. Too dangerous. I go once, then retreat to see if my books are right. And if I need one in particular to advance.
Never travel without intel, as I always say.
And that’s why I had to contact my cousin.
I gazed with fear upon my telephone for one long minute, and picked it up.
The tone only nourished my anxiety.
I hate facing my familly. We just can’t stand each other.
Eventually, my cousin answered.
“Hello?”
"Hello Brae, it’s your favorite cousin!" I said with irony. When I’m not comfortable, I tend to do that.
"Oh, It’s ya Ribston… Doin’ well?"
"Fine. Let’s cut the manure right there. I need a place to stay in Appleoosa for three or four days. Can I stay to your’s?"
"Mission right?"
"Indeed."
"Still not any money for stayin' in a hotel ?"
"No."
"Canterlotian horseapples. Well, okay. When are ya comin’?"
"Tonight."
"…"
"Brae?"
"Are ya buckin’ kiddin’ me?! Couldn’tcha’ve called earlier?!"
"Well, I could have. I apparently didn’t. Problem?"
"The problem Rib, is that if ya weren’t sorta part of this family, Ah would have punched you in the face years ago."
"But I’m part of the family. Sad isn’t it ?"
"The fact ya choose not to live like everypony else doesn’t mean ya have to be a butt ya know?"
"I’ll stop to be a « butt » as you say when you’ll take back what you said."
"What Ah said?"
"Yes, what you said."
"You mean, that?"
"What else?"
"Come on, that was ten years ago!"
"Eight. And three months."
"That’s not the point! I already apologized."
"But you still did not take it back."
There was a silence, then Braeburn answered with a cold voice that only a few ponies have heard:
"No. Ah won’t. Ye’re a bastard and ye’ll always be. My roof is yours because the Family Traditions says so Ribston, but ye’ll never be anything but a bastard. Ya do not even have the humility to do things normally. Ya need to be “Special”. Ye’re nothing but a monster and a show-off, ya know that? Now go, I’ll wait ya at the station, ‘cuz it’s my duty, sadly."
"Alright," I answered without any expression.
"-See ya."
I hung up.
Do you see now why I just can’t stand them ?
I left my house and went to the station, frowning at almost everything in my path. It was like I was walking with a knife planted in my belly. Derpy saw me from afar, but I didn’t, until she rubbed her cold muzzle on my neck, making me shudder. I turned back with fire in the eyes, ready to smash the fool, but I realized it was my dear friend.
"Derpy…"
"Is Mr Pippin having a bad day ?" She asked with curiosity, indubitably worried about me.
I sighed from relief.
"You have no idea. I just called my cousin…"
"… because you have a mission near him and you need a place to stay but he brought « that » up again."
I smiled.
"You know me too much, that’s suspect Derpy."
She had a cute giggle before answering modestly.
"Well, that’s what friends do Mr Pippin."
"Stalking each others ?"
"Precisely ! Don’t worry Mr Pippin. You know how Braeburn is."
"I do, but do you ?"
"Well, sure, I saw him one day when me and Dash were on that weather mission in Appleoosa. Y’know, during my studies… He got a bit… Mean."
"Oh, about…"
I looked at her invalid eye a bit awkwardly. I’m fine with her eyes, actually, I find their look kind of cute, it gives her a dreaming look, always in the skies… But she keeps suffering from the others because of them. She finally answered :
"Yes."
"He questioned your ability I suppose."
"Exactly, she sighed, before returning to the conversation : But that’s not the point. The point is that we’re friend. There’s a fine bunch of meanies out there, but as long as you have friends, who cares ?"
I was going to answer, but she took something from one of her packs. When she put it my hoof, I just couldn’t believe my eyes.
It was a chocolate muffin.
I was going to say something but she put her hoof on my mouth.
"Take it. For the travel."
"But Derpy…"
-No ! Take it ! Before change my mind. And try to smile Mr Pippin !"
Then she approached me to whisper right in my ear :
"And find yourself a marefriend."
And she kissed me on the cheek, smiling at me with her eyes of gold, and flew away.
I looked again at what I was holding, then placed in in my pack.
Celestia, what would I do without her ?
I finally jumped in my train before I was late. I took a seat in an almost empty wagon, with two or three ponies and, surprisingly, a Griffin in a classy suit. The conductor shouted something I couldn’t hear, and that’s how I left Canterlot, once more, to go on an adventure.

Author's Note

This is a new concept I'm trying: The novel Askblog. I'll only post here finished chapters. Yu can fiind the original blog here: http://ribston-myth-and-caves.tumblr.com/