This is a story that very few may understand. It’s a comedy, a drama, and a mystery story. How can I fit all of these genres into one story you may ask? Well…actually…I’m not too sure I can. But it’s worth a shot, huh? What I do know for sure is that by the end of this tale you will be saying “Boy, that was some night.” Now, let me make good on that.
Our story starts not at the beginning, but in the middle. Curious how the middle of a story is the most chaotic, is it not? Much like the hotel room that we open on, the ponies lying all around it are a wreck. Most rock stars would have a hard time trashing a room with such ferocity as these ponies did. The windows were smashed, furniture was either upturned or slashed open, and various bodily fluids stained the carpet.
“Ugh….” Oh look, one of our little ponies finally woke up. Who might he be? Well if the pearl white coat and two-tone blue mane didn’t give it away, the shredded royal guard armor definitely would. None other than Prince Shining Armor himself.
The Prince of Equestria sat up slowly, a hoof going to his head. The sun was way too bright, he decided. It needed to be turned down a few notches…perhaps he could talk to Aunt Celly about that, she was kind to those hungover family members…then it hit him. Hungover? How did he get a hangover?
A quick study of his surroundings revealed that he was not in the royal bedchamber with his blushing bride next to him. Instead he was in a trashed hotel room…and…who the hell was next to him? Shining poked the figure next to him in the back, all he could see was a bright white wedding gown encompassing the individual…but as said individual rolled over, Shining Armor was met with a dull orange colt with a shaggy dirty-blonde mane wearing the wedding dress.
“What….what did I do last night…?” Even the little whisper resounded in his head like Sunday morning church bells. He was no stranger to the bottle, but he could not handle his hangovers. He always found himself unable to function for whole days after bingeing.
Perhaps he should look around the hotel room before making any assumptions? After all, a colt in a wedding dress couldn’t be the only clue around here…there had to be more.
Shakily, Shining Armor got up and looked around. There were several other ponies in the room; a big red stallion, a sky blue pegasus that he immediately recognized as Soarin from the Wonderbolts, then an orange pegasus known as Spitfire from the same team as the previous…and…Twily..?
Sure enough, in the corner of the room was a purple unicorn upside down and against the wall. With extreme trepidation, he trotted over to her. As he got closer, he saw a purple bow tie around her neck and a ring on her horn. Her newly acquired wings are splayed out across the floor messily.
The Prince did a double take when he spotted the ring around the base of his little sister’s horn. He knew what that ring meant, he had one that he wore when on official business to signify his partnership with the regent of love…it was a wedding ring.
He could only ask himself one more time: What the hell is going on here? It was an extremely valid question at this point…what were two Wonderbolts, two earth ponies, the Prince of Equestria, and a brand new alicorn Princess all doing in the same wrecked hotel room…and why in Tartarus was his armor shredded?! This was the finest steel! It didn’t split like this!
“Forgive me, Celestia for whatever the hay we all got into last night…” Shining Armor sat down, his hoof once again going to his head. He already regretted what he didn’t remember…
--
“Ow…ow…” Soarin groaned as he came into consciousness. It wasn’t normal for the Wonderbolt to be in pain, he could fly for hours and not be in pain. He could perform death defying stunts that should break bones, but he was always chipper the next morning. But now…well his posterior was killing him…
Now Soarin was known for his promiscuity with both genders, he enjoyed a nice colt just as much as a mare. So he was used to some pain occasionally…but this was different. This was really bad, it stung something fierce.
Awkwardly, he craned his head to look at his rump. He saw other things as he turned his head, strange things that could not be explained by just looking. But for right now, his rear end was the most important mystery to solve.
As his green eyes caught a glimpse of what was hurting his flank, his mind was in turmoil. The tattoo that rested upon his rump was not just his cutie mark anymore, it was elegant cursive that simply read: “Property of S.A.”
Soarin briefly wondered how he got a tattoo, why it was there, and who gave it to him. With those thoughts, he already supremely regretted whatever happened last night…
--
The giant red stallion sleeping in the middle of the floor rolled over. For some strange reason his bed felt an awful lot like a floor. Even more strange, his head felt like Scootaloo was performing a drum solo on it. Not a fun sensation.
So with some trepidation, he opened his eyes. Almost as soon as he did, a wave of nausea washed over him from the bright sun.
Sweet Celestia, who turned up the sun? Well…he just answered his question, he supposed. But that did not help his head to stop hurting, it just increased the thud coming from his cranium.
The giant earth pony tried to groan, but he was only met with a scratchy pain in his throat. He suddenly became aware of the pain in his throat, it was terrible. Like an itch you just couldn’t scratch no matter what you did. The worst part of it was that now that he was aware of it, the pain persisted even when he was simply breathing.
It was worrisome. He barely spoke, he was not a very vocal pony. Why the hay was his voice hoarse? What happened last night?
“Macintosh….?” Big Mac’s eyes were drawn to a form that was on it’s side. Big Mac recognized the face right away, it was Braeburn. But why was he here in a wedding gown. Bigger question: Where is here? “Uggh….what’re ya doin’ here cousin…?” The smaller colt’s eyes looked over himself. “W-why am ah in a dress…?”
--
Twilight opened her eyes and yawned. She felt great! The only problem she could physically feel was that her wings were splayed out, but they always did that when she slept. It was more comfortable, plus it meant she got to stretch them out as she woke up…which felt amazing! It was like cracking your back in just the right way, so good.
So that’s what she did, her purple wings stretched out and Twilight moaned in delight. That’s what a morning was supposed to feel like. But wanna know the best part? Ever since she became an alicorn, no matter what she did, no matter how many hours of sleep she got, she always felt amazing the next morning. It was a miracle of alicorn physiology.
“Mmm, I love mornings.” Twilight spoke to know one, after all who would be in her royal bedchambers? Possibly a maid, but they tended to avoid the Princess’ rooms unless ordered to enter them, so now she was just talking to air.
Well, she thought she was until a voice answered her back.
“Glad you’re doing well, because I’m miserable…” She knew that voice, it was one that she had heard since her foalhood. But why was Shiny in her room? Was something happening?
Hesitantly, she opened her eyes. She wasn’t in her royal bedchambers…she wasn’t even in the castle from what she could tell. It was nice, but not palace nice. Then her eyes drifted to her older brother.
He looked like a griffon’s personal piñata. The Captain of the Guard and Prince of Equestria had dried blood on his face, his purple and gold armor that was usually so clean and pristine that you could eat off of it now had what looked to be claw marks going across it in every direction.
Apart from his ruined armor, his eyes had dark bags under them and angry red veins crisscrossing across them. Almost as if he had a very bad rest, or he had a hangover. Either way, he did not look at one hundred percent…then she saw the room behind him and the carious ponies strewn across them.
“Sweet Celestia, what happened here?!” Her cry caused four simultaneous groans of pain and one scratchy sound from Big Macintosh. “Oh…sorry…” She apologized quietly and quickly.
“Twily…” Shining Armor started, a hoof on the side of his head. That seemed to be his default pose this morning. “I’m so hungover it’s not even funny….please…please don’t yell.” The stallion pleaded his little sister. “We will figure this out…just…just give us time.” Shining fell on his rump and groaned.
Twilight was in shock. How did this all happen? What did they do last night? Not even she could remember…which was odd. She had an eidetic memory, she could recall almost anything on her life. She could even recall her first birthday with startling clarity.
She rose to a sitting position and looked around. The princess recognized all of the ponies in the room; Big Mac was holding his throat and coughing, Braeburn was looking at the dress he was wearing and tugging at it, Soarin was poking his flank which had some writing on it that she couldn’t make out, and Spitfire was draped across the arm of the shredded couch, looking like she was going to be sick.
Okay…so everypony else was in pretty bad shape. What about herself? Her hooves felt her wings first off, Rainbow Dash had drilled into her just how important and sensitive wings were. She didn’t want them to be ruined after only a few weeks of having them.
She felt her mane. It was intact and perfect like usual. So that was good. Then she felt a strange tightness around her neck. Her hooves found the piece of cloth that was restricting her air flow and felt around it….she determined the object was indeed bow tie. Why she was wearing one, well that’s what she wanted to know. Well, everything else seemed fine, so she let a smile come across her face.
“P-Princess…?” Spitfire looked up, her face not betraying how she actually felt: Nauseous. Honestly, she felt like throwing up…but at this point she had done so already and only bile was coming up now. “Wh-what’s on your horn…?”
Twilight’s hoof went up to her horn…right at the base of it was a small piece of metal. She lifted off the small metal circlet from her horn with her magic and looked at it…this was no ordinary ring…it was a wedding ring.
Then her eyes fell on Braeburn and his wedding dress.
“AHH!” She threw the ring across the room and backed into the wall. It was all coming together! Oh sweet Celestia, she was married! MARRIED! That meant Braeburn was…Braeburn was now a Prince of Equestria. “Nononononononononononono. This isn’t happening!”
“Twily…loud…” Shining Armor groaned and put his hooves over his ears. The headache was getting worse from all of her yelling.
“No! This is a disaster! I am giving you all the hangover cure spell right now and we are figuring this mess out!” Twilight then went from pony to pony, issuing the hangover spell she had learned when she was a teenager so she could help Shining Armor out of a jam…some things never seem to change. But the spell had an side-effect…it left a horrid taste in the receiver’s mouth.
So the ponies that were now cured of their ailments were now gagging and trying to get the aftertaste out of their mouths like it was the plague. Twilight glared at them all.
“We are figuring out this mess, right now.” She wanted to know why she married Braeburn, and what the hell everyone else did that made the whole night disappear. “What happened last night…?”
--18 Hours Earlier: Twilight and Shining Armor--
“Shiny, The Princess said I had another etiquette lesson later. I can’t be late..” Twilight was looking over her shoulder constantly. It seemed that ever since she became royalty that some aide or secretary was always trying to get her to sign something or talk with some foreign dignitary. You had to be on guard or else they would sneak up on you, she learned that the hard way.
“Calm down, Twily. I’ll just say I was briefing you on some new security policy.” Shining gave his sister a grin. It wasn’t often they got to talk anymore, either he was in the Crystal Empire or she was busy with Princess stuff. Even when they were free, he had to pull his little sister into his office just to talk to her. “But Mom, Dad, Cadence and I are all having a little get-together. They haven’t seen you in such a long time, they just want you to chill out and have some family time.” Shining was one to worry about his little sister, she was a bookish worrywart. H had every reason to worry, and now that her new royal duties kicked in, he was worried that she was going to be overwhelmed.
“I…alright, Shining.” Twilight sighed. She was so busy, Princess Celestia was going to be working her to the core all day. It would be hard to get away, but she would manage it somehow. She had to, family was the most important thing in the world. “I’ll meet you guys there. I promise.”
“Five hours…she had me practicing proper dining and speech etiquette for five hours…” Twilight’s head hit the table in front of her. Her forehead was good friends with this table, it was the table it came into contact with when Twilight was frustrated back when she still lived with her parents. “It’s ridiculous…”
“Yeah.” Cadence, who was sitting right across from Twilight nodded as she dabbed her mouth with her napkin. The pink princess had been around the Sparkle family a lot since she joined it, at this point she was just as regular as Shining or Twilight in the home. “Auntie Celly can go a bit overboard with the whole, ‘training’ thing. But trust me, you’ll thank her later.”
“It’s just…argh!” Twilight threw her hooves up in frustration. She desperately hated memorizing things repeatedly, as she locked down everything the first time she saw or did it. So the drilling that Celestia was doing seemed foolish.
“Here Ladybug.” Cadence levitated a glass of wine over to her alicorn counterpart. “This will help calm you down a bit..” Twilight’s parents both looked at her cautiously, they hated drinking. Their thought was that it ruined lives, it was just plain evil
“Cadence, I can’t-” Twilight started to protest but was cut off by her father.
“One glass of wine won’t hurt, Twily.” With the affirmation nod from her mother, Twilight eyed the scarlet spirit. Would it taste good? Would it make her immediately less intelligent? Well, only one way to see if a hypothesis is right or not…she took a drink.
--Present--
“-And that’s the last thing I remember…” Twilight was desperately clutching at her memories. She could see bits and pieces of unfamiliar scenes, hear foreign words, but nothing was solid enough to latch onto and examine.
“Mom and Dad went to bed after a while. Then You, Cadence and I finished off the third bottle of wine-Oh my Goddess! Cadence! Where’s Cadence?!” Shining’s last coherent memory was Cadence, Twily and himself going outside. His wife was not in the hotel room…this was not good.
“How in tarnation do you lose a frilly pink Princess?” Braeburn, who was now out of the wedding gown, asked. Somwhere, he had found his trademark cowpony hat and set it upon his head.
“Okay, we have to find her…” Twilight mumbled. “I need to know how you all got here with us.” Soarin was the first one to object, the Wonderbolt rose off of the ground.
“No offense, Your Majesty…but who’s ‘we’? We-” He motioned between Spitfire and himself. “-have nothing to do with Princess Cadence. We were out last night having a bit of fun after the derby.”
--16 Hours Earlier: Soarin and Spitfire--
“Listen, all I’m saying is that Batpony could totally kick Supermare’s flank.” Two Wonderbolts walked into a bar on the streets of Canterlot. The one talking was none other than the vice captain of the famous fliers, Soarin. Beside him, looking at her partner incredulously was none other than the captain of the squad, Spitfire.
“Did you hit your head while flying or something?” Spitfire smacked her teammate in the side of the head. “Supermare has super-strength, speed, heat vision, freeze breath, and she’s invulnerable. Batpony wouldn’t even stand a chance.” Now Spitfire wasn’t into comics like her counterpart, but she was quite the cinephile. So she knew a thing or two about superhero movies.
The two Wonderbolts, who were getting looks from everypony the passed in the bar, finally decided on a booth. Spitfire slid into one side, her friend on the other. Almost immediately a waitress was at their table.
“Batpony-A hard cider for me, beer for the lady-Batpony has gadgets! He could use like a batarang infused with kryptoneight to take down Supermare in a second.” Soarin barely acknowledged the waitress, he didn’t need to. He was Soarin, he was positive that she was too busy swooning to complain about his manners.
“Well yeah.” Spitfire guffawed. “He’s so weak he has to use gadgets. Supermare could destroy the batcave without a second thought, Batpony is useless without his gadgets.” As soon as a mug of cider hit the table, Soarin scooped it up and shrugged at his friend’s statement. He was beat, but was not going to admit it.
“That right there is grade-A cider, my winged partner.” Spitfire and Soarin both cocked their heads at the voice that poked into their conversation. It wasn’t odd for somepony to intrude, what was odd was the accent. Way too country.
“Eeyup.” Both pegasi turned to see a large red earth stallion and a smaller tannish earth pony wearing a cowpony hat and vest standing next to their table. Based on their statures, both celebrities wagered that the ‘eeyup’ came from the red goliath.
“Umm…yeah. It’s alright.” Soarin put his glass down and looked at the two intruders. Why weren’t they having multiple fangasms? They were meeting the star Wonderbolts. Anypony should be star struck.
“Alright? Why that’s the best cider this side of the Everfree! Ain’t that right, Big Mac?” The hulking stallion next to the talkative cowpony only nodded. “Apple Family only makes the best. Trust us, we’re Apple Family.” The colt grinned.
“Wait…like that mare who made all of the apple pies at the gala?” Soarin’s mind drifted back to the pie. That pie still haunted his every waking moment, it was like the one who got away. That mare, whoever she was, could bake a heavenly pie.
“Soarin. No.” Spitfire saw where this was going, he was going to get these two poor earth ponies drunk so he could find out where he could get pie.
“Why don’t you two sit down and have some cider, on me of course.” The smile the pegasus gave the two earth ponies could only be called devious. Spitfire could only groan.
--Present--
“You jus’ wanted mah pie!” Braeburn cried out incredulously. The cowpony was glaring at the male Wonderbolt like there was no tomorrow.
“You have no idea how many times I’ve heard that before…” Soarin grumbled out. “Alright, so I wanted some pie, sue me. That pie at the gala was the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten.”
“Shut up, both of you.” Twilight closed both of their mouths with magic and glared at both of the colts. “Do you remember anything else?” They all shook their heads. Twilight could only sigh, a dead end. “Right…well, I’ll try to figure this out. You all…just…” Twilight sighed and sat down.
“C’mon Twily, we can figure this out.” Shining Armor put his hoof on his sibling’s shoulder. “It’ll be like one of your Sherclop Pones books, we just have to find a clue. Surely there’s something around here.” The Prince looked around the room, his eyes narrowed. His eyes fell upon the wedding dress.
“Hey…uuh….” He tried to remember the cowpony’s name. He was terrible with names. “Brae..Braeburn!” It was a type of apple, of course. “Braeburn, check your dress for any tags, there has to be something there.” The tan pony nodded and went back over to the dress.
“I’m going to the bathroom…” Spitfire announced, then promptly hovered out of the room. Her counterpart trotted over to the huge window that was letting in all of the sunlight.
“Well, we’re still in Canterlot.” The male Wonderbolt announced. “At least that’s a constant…” The room was so devoid of any emotional energy that it almost felt dead. Soarin found this to be a real downer, he needed to be around ponies who were the life of the party….he needed a drink. So that’s what he was going to get.
“Holy Matripony Chapel.” Braeburn read out from the tag on his dress. When the implication set in, he visibly paled. “Ah got married…to a princess.” Big Mac, who was right by his cousin’s side, patted his back.
“Umm…I think I need a unicorn in here…” The drill instructor’s voice came from the bathroom. All of the ponies in the room cocked an eyebrow at the simple statement.
“Ugh, Spitfire you’re a big filly. You can wipe yourself.” Soarin called out from the kitchen, his statement was preceded by the sound of a blender.
“Ha ha. You’re hilarious. But I’m serious, there’s some sort of…orb in here.” That got the attention of Twilight and Shining. Once the word orb came out, they were already on their way to the bathroom.
Once the Sparkle Siblings reached the bathroom, they walked in the open door. Surprisingly, the bathroom looked spotless. The only place in the hotel that was not a wreck, of course. But standing in the center of the bathroom on the spotless white tile, was Spitfire. Not an inch from her nose was a floating purple orb.
“A memory node…?” Shining Armor asked, his gaze falling on his little sister. This was one of her bad habits: If she ever felt like she was going to forget something, like that was possible, she would make a recording with her horn and stash it in one of these little orbs for later viewing.
Twilight was already on top of the situation, however. She was already examining the orb, her horn sparked and the orb morphed into a flat screen of magic. A memory started playing on the screen.
--5 Hours Earlier: The Hotel Room--
“Okay!” Twilight looked into her recording spell, she was obviously drunk. Just a single look at her goofy smile and glazed over eyes could reveal that. “The spell is rrrrrrolling!” She wasn’t too drunk as to slur her words, but she was rolling her r’s like someone from Mexicolt.
Another pony entered the frame, this one orange with a fiery mane. She pressed her cheek right up against Twilight’s and looked into the spell.
“In this corner, weighing…umm…a lot! Is the captain from Canterlot! The Prince of Love himself! Shining Aaaaaaaaaarmor!” The spell turned to show Shining Armor on one side of the still perfect hotel room. The pony raised up on his back hooves and raised his fore hooves in the air victoriously. His purple and gold armor was already in tatters from previous events.
“And in the other corner!” The shot didn’t budge. “I said….the other corner!”
“Oh, right.” Twilight giggled. “Sorry.” The spell panned across the room.
“Is none other than the pegasi that makes the girlies and guys high! The Wonderbolt from Mecxicolt! Sooooooooarin!” Soarin was hovering a foot off of the ground, the boxing stance he had been holding dropped as he looked at the spell.
“I’m not from Mexicolt…” The vice-captain protested.
“Shut up, featherbrain. It rhymed.” Spitfire told her partner. “Now, FIGHT!”
In an instant the two soldiers charged at each other. The fight that ensued was no less than epic, mainly because it was two trained soldiers; an Airpony, and a Royal Guard Captain. Soarin held the air superiority, but in the end he was no match for Shining’s magic. The final blow to it all was the Prince hurling the couch at the Wonderbolt, who was hit with the airborne furniture and pinned under it.
“You cannot stop the master of disaster!” Shining Armor roared as he flexed his muscles through his torn armor. Then he went over to Soarin’s hindquarters, which were sticking out from the overturned couch. “Hey Twily, get over here and help me do something. Two fights won in one night, I have to go back to The Pit and tell the guys.” The drunk guard commented as his sister lit up her horn and prepared a tattoo spell.
--Present--
“Bahahahahahaha!” Spitfire was too busy rolling on the floor laughing her flank off to see the victor of the fight blush and his sister stare at the little orb with her moth agape. “Y-You tattooed your name on his flank! Pffffft!”
“Not…uh..not my best moment.” Shining Armor admitted. “But at least that’s one mystery solved…?” He gave Twily a nervous smile, to which she glared.
“I can’t believe you beat Soarin up!”
“I can’t believe there’s not even a bruise on him…tough pegasus…” Shining retorted. “Well, Cadence wasn’t with us there. So we had to have lost her earlier in the night…”
“What was that place you talked about? The Pit? What’s that?” Twilight was curious, she had sworn she had heard that name in passing before. It was some kind of club…
“The Pit?” Spitfire, who had finished her laughing, wiped the tears from her eyes and stood up. “Isn’t that the fight club downtown? Tattoo-flank in there tried to get me to go once, I told him no.” At the explanation, Shining once again, paled.
“It’s the illegal fight club downtown…what were we doing at an illegal fight club?” He was freaking out. What if someone saw him? What if somepony saw them? They could get in serious trouble.
“We’ll go figure it out, but first I think Soarin should know how he acquired his new…cutie mark.” Twilight would feel guilty if she didn’t at least apologize for herself and her brother’s actions last night…alcohol makes you do funny things.