You're Never Too Old For Cartoons

by RainbowBob

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure, Crossover, Human
Length: 9315

Two rad dudes from Earth end up in Equestria hosting in Discord's new tv show. With the power to pull out Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon related items from their pockets, will these two have what it takes to survive before the commercial break?

Collaboration with the Nickelodeon man himself, Cyneryk, author of the kickass stories Teenage Mutant Ninja…Ponies? and Fantasma. Check out his stuff!

Dimitri and Deion definitely weren't expecting to end up in Equestria of all places one faithful day. Even less expecting to be in a tv show against their will, hosted by a certain mischievous chaos god. Now they have to deal with whacky adventures, death-defying acts of collateral damage, and even the occasional "monster of the week".

But luckily for them, they aren't completely helpless. Dimitri has the ability to pull out Cartoon Network related items from his pockets, along with Deion using Nickelodeon related items from his pockets. Using the power and randomness of their "hammer space" for good, these heroes will have to save the day, and in thirty minutes or less. Hopefully they won't die before the commercial break!

A shameless self insert with the Cartoon Network dude and the Nickelodeon man! Try and guess which is which!

Thanks to jlm123hi for the awesome cover art, and to AugmentedDovah97 and Linkerman for pre-reading it!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-06 01:47:56 UTC

Chapter 1: Never Trust Burritos

“Why hello there? Just clicked on this channel while surfing the tv, I see. Well, stick around for a bit. I’m sure you’ll enjoy this show, most definitely. And you better not leave for bathroom breaks, or else!”

A tall man looked up at the sign of a local food joint he was interested in eating at. “Hmm... Qdoba? Might as well. Definitely not gonna eat that McDonald’s shit again.” He opened the front door, taking in the smell of Mexican cuisine and the style of the restaurant.

It certainly had the typical Mexican feel with a desert as the interior design. There were various mayan-esque pictures strewn strategically around the store of what appeared to be pictures drawn into rock.

“God, this place is cheesy as hell,” the man muttered under his breath, walking up to the front counter. The man seemed to be in his early twenties, with light stubble on his lean jaw along with short brown hair that look like it had never seen a comb. He was wearing a black shirt with an open gray hoodie, and it was obvious he was quite muscular. To complete the look were some worn out blue jeans and a pair of expensive Air Jordans.

“Hello, welcome to Qdoba, what can I get for you today?” A very lank and dark-skinned boy grinned as he stared at the man who was deciding what to order. His voice was full of enthusiasm, but his eyes displayed another emotion: exhaustion. Luckily for him, his visor shaded them quite well, although it wouldn’t have mattered. His eyes were so dark that they literally almost looked black. His brown Qdoba t-shirt was tucked in, making him look much more thinner, and he could not have been more than 140 pounds. He fixed the angle of his visor before reaching for a tortilla shell. After all, everyone ordered the same food anyways, since no one seemed to enjoy experimenting.

The man literally towered over the teen by a good foot. Scratching at the stubble on his chin, his brown eyes glanced over at the assortment of spicy foods. “I dunno, dude. Never ate here before, so what do ya’ recommend” the man said, his deep voice laced with the hint of a foreign accent, probably from Eastern Europe, along with a weird combination of a Southern accent.

The teen was clearly caught off guard, as he never really had much experience with new customers. Stuttering to himself, he quickly hid the tortilla shell that was in front of him behind the counter. “Uh...well, our most popular item is a queso burrito. Kinda like a regular burrito, but we add this cheese sauce in it. I may or may not be biased, but I usually douse my food in it,” he said truthfully, silently cursing himself and his awkwardness. Unlike the man, the kid had a very Caucasian accent, given that he was clearly African-American.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” the man said, nodding his head in agreement and pulling out his wallet. “How much I owe ya?”

The teen had to physically keep himself from uttering the words ‘too much’. He simply shrugged, not knowing, as he was never on register duty often. “Not entirely sure.” He proceeded to take a piping hot tortilla shell out and placed in on a piece of tin foil, resisting the urge that told him to scream as the shell burned like HELL. The man could not help but notice that he was wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle bracelet.

“Woah, you like TMNT too?” the man asked with interest, pointing to the bracelet with interest and a friendly smirk.

“Eeyup! The new series is awesome!” the kid said, a little too loudly.

“Hmm... haven’t been much on Nickelodeon myself. Mainly stuck to Cartoon Network. Though there ain’t many cartoons worth watching nowadays” said the burly man with a hint of sadness.

The dark skinned boy almost tossed the spatula on the floor in protest. “Are you kidding? Nickelodeon was, and is, the best children’s network. You never watched Spongebob? Fairly Odd Parents? Danny Phantom?” he asked as he tossed various ingredients inside of the burrito.

“Oh, I have. Really liked those shows. But... I always felt Cartoon Network had the best programs,” the man admitted, shrugging his shoulder. “Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends, Adventure Time, Samurai Jack, Ben 10, Pokemon, heck, even Powerpuff Girls. Nick just can’t compete with that.”

The kid considered spitting in the man’s food for just a brief second. “Okay, well, Pokemon is legit. Been a fan for years, but that’s beside the point. Chicken on here?” he suddenly asked, pointing to the burrito in front of him.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” the man said, crossing his arms as he looked at the burrito with a hungry expression. “But still, Cartoon Network had it all, like fun shows with superb action. But look at Nick now; all the shows on there suck balls. Ever seen Spongebob or the Fairly Odd Parents these past couple of years? Those shows have gone to hell.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that they are both decent shows. The most recent Pokemon episodes suck. They got rid of Misty! And don’t get me started on some of that show called Flapjack? That show gave me nightmares, bro.”

“Dude, the Misadventures of Flapjack was decent enough... at the beginning,” the man said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “But hey, at least it ain’t like those shows iCarly or Victorious. God have mercy on anyone who watches them.”

“But iCarly is goo- I mean okay! Nothing wrong with it. But hey, you gotta understand those Disney idiots nowadays with their shows. Am I right?”

There was an awkward silence before both citizens bursted into uproarious laughter. They could at least both agree without words that they were better off than Disney. “Yo, what’s your name?” the kid asked as he began to roll the burrito into its beautiful, round and voluptuous self.

“Dimitri. And I gotta admit, for a kid, you’re a pretty cool dude,” Dimitri chuckled heartily. “You have a name too?”

“Call me Deion. Burrito rolling extraordinaire...” he said amusedly as he plopped the five-pound burrito on an orange plate.

“Ain’t that a mouthful?” Literally. Dimitri laughed, picking up his tray to sit at a table nearby to eat and continue talking with Deion as he worked. It was actually rather slow today. “So, Deion, you still in school?”

“Eh, I’m a junior. Nothing special. You in college? Is it just like everyone makes it out to be–frat parties, drinking, vices galore?” he asked as he cleaned the food line.

Dimitri chuckled and cracked his neck and knuckles in preparation to pig out on his food. “You know, not everything in college is like a Van Wilder movie, although some bits are pretty close. But as for now, I’m out of college and have a real job. But hey, you still got high school to enjoy, which in my opinion is way easier than what I’m doing now.”

“Enjoy?” Deion threw his head back to amusingly laugh. “High school is a pain nowadays, bro. Drama, homework and stuff. This generation sucks. Just the other day I heard of some sixth grader getting pregnant.” He proceeded to throw his towel down right next to the cash register. “Oh, and you forgot to pay.”

“Whoops, sorry my man,” Dimitri replied, getting up to the counter. Pulling out two twenties from his wallet, he handed them over and winked. “Keep the change, kid. You earned it.”

“Thanks! Finally I can get something to eat...” Deion shouted in glee as he blissfully tossed his apron somewhere in the back room. “VANEZA!”

“QUE!?” a feminine voice shouted from behind the large door.

“I’M TAKIN’ A BREAK!” Deion screamed, not at all caring about the looks he was getting from the other employees. They all disliked him anyways.

“BIEN!” Giving a celebratory fist pump, Deion immediately got started making his burrito. He knew all the secrets of his job, and what he could and couldn’t get charged extra for. Needless to say, when he was done, his burrito was the size of a newborn. Even still, he was positive that he would be able to eat all of it. After all, he’s eaten bigger. He paid before almost skipping to sit with Dimitri.

Dimitri sat there waiting patiently for Deion to join him, not wanting to seem rude by eating first. Nodding his head and giving him an easygoing smile, he waved to his new acquaintance. “Looks like I got a lunch buddy. Hope ya don’t get sick from my eating habits. Mom always said I resemble a cross of a gator and a pig when it comes to smacking down on junk food.”

“Psh, I got this beast,” he said, motioning towards his burrito, which barely fitted on the plate. It was practically double the size of Dimitri’s. “I think it’s safe to say we’re both pigs.”

Dimitri nodded in agreement and picked up his burrito, his eyes widening suddenly when he realized something. “Shit, need something to burn my throat when I eat some burritos. Be a bro and grab some of the hottest hot sauce you guys got?”

“Anything for a customer!” Deion replied before jumping up from the table. Still decked out in his uniform, he ran behind the counter. “Shit, no habanero...” He said as he noticed the lack of the small samples. With a sigh, he ran to the back of the store, dodging cooks and their extra hot assorted food with ease as he made his way to the cooler. He felt a large chill as he opened the door.

“Man, I don’t even like spicy stuff...” he mumbled to himself, shrugging. He always had a bad habit of talking to himself. He searched the cooler up and down for any samples and sighed downtrodden when he noticed that there were none in their usual spot. He cursed to himself before looking down at the floor.

On the floor, behind the shelf entirely, was one sample of hot salsa. “Hah! Found one!” he cheered as he got down on the cold floor and reached it. Once he made sure that he had it in his hands, he jumped up without haste, as the cold and his stomach did not mix. Luckily, his hyperactivity always proved good in these types of situations.

Deion inspected the salsa, and blew a considerable amount of dust off of it. He raised his eyebrow when he realized that there was a mark on the that refused to come off no matter how hard he blew. It was swirly, almost like a dragon. “Eh. Better than nothing. It’s not like he’ll care.”

With vigor and haste, he bolted back to his awaiting burrito. Oh, and Dimitri. Can’t forget Dimitri.

Dimitri picked up the jar, inspecting it. “Discordant Hot Sauce. Guaranteed to send your tastebuds on a chaotic trip to Hell,” Dimitri read aloud from the jar’s cover. “Shit, that is the weirdest looking dragon ever. Like a mix of a bunch of animals or something. Dude who drew this was probably high on LSD or some shit like that.”

Deion looked around nervously. “Haha... yeah...” He cleared his throat. Now, normally Deion did not like spicy food at all. However, he was intent on showing off. So, without thinking, he dumped half of the damn jar into his burrito, making sure to have the hot, liquidy goodness in every single crevice of the burrito.

“Damn, can’t let you beat me now,” Dimitri chuckled, also grabbing the jar and pouring the remainder on his own burrito, the spicy aroma tickling both their noses as a strange red smoke wafted from the burritos now. Picking his own up, he smirked at Deion and said, “How about we make this interesting? I eat my burrito first, and you admit Cartoon Network is better than Nickelodeon. You beat me, and I admit Nick kicks CN’s ass. Deal?”

“Psh. Everyone who knows me knows that Deion never backs down from a challenge. EVER.” He grinned before taking off all the tin foil off of his burrito. He brought the burrito up to his mouth, but didn’t take a bite yet. “You ready for this?”

“Always ready. See ya on the other side.” Both challengers took bites off of their extremely spicy meals, their eyes bulging as the sauce hit their tongues. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a mysterious voice started chuckling evilly.

“Hope you two enjoy that other side now...” it whispered darkly. Suddenly darkness surrounded the pair, both no longer in the restaurant or eating their burritos, much to Deion’s chagrin.

“Dad? Mom said you left us, you piece of shit! Gimme my burrito!” Deion said, shaking his fist in the air as the rest of his burrito in his mouth somehow disappeared. He could still feel his stomach growling.

“Dude, I don’t think whatever that thing is is your asshole dad,” Dimitri muttered, staring at his surroundings with a confused yet scared expression. “Where the hell are we?”

“...Maybe... we’re in another dimension! Or something like that.” Deion shouted sadly, scouring the area for his lost burrito. Nothing got in the way of he and his food. NOTHING.

“Dude, forget the fucking food! This is serious! Like something outta a Sci-fi movie or something! Twilight Zone shit is going on here!” Dimitri yelled at Deion, glancing around as bright dots appeared around the two, growing more numerous and bigger in size as time passed on.

“... I find the lack of a TARDIS to be quite disturbing...”

“Dammit, kid! This ain’t a game! We could either be tripping balls, or in serious shit right now!” Dimitri said in exasperation.

“I’m kind of rooting for the former,” Deion admitted, grinning to himself slyfully.

“And unfortunately for you two, neither of those shows are on your program lists,”the sinister voice chuckled, followed by the snap of some fingers being heard from somewhere far off. Suddenly the bright orbs of light grew so bright both of them were blinded, while gravity pulled them downward through some type of portal in its drunken stupor.

“But I do hope you enjoy your new primetime showings. I heard this channel is quite good, and right up both of your alleys.” The voice broke out in laughter as Dimitri and Deion were transported elsewhere, two different portals opening up beneath them to teleport them to their new destinations.

“... Bowling?” Deion asked. He brought a hand up to his chin and squinted into the darkness curiously as he was sucked down his portal.

“Damnit, can’t you take anything seriously?” Dimitri yelled, grabbing onto thin air in vain hope of not falling down into his portal. Unfortunately for him, it didn’t work. Both disappeared from the voidal plane, the sinister voice laughing madly all the way.

The only sound that could be heard was the sound of Deion screaming like a twelve year old girl while Dimitri yelled in a much more respectable manner of at least a woman in her twenties.

“Now onto the next episode. Stay tuned, kids!”

Chapter 2: Don't Change The Channel

“Glad you’re back from last week’s show! And with the channel’s high rating so far, we’re going to keep going strong! And who am I, you ask?”

“Well, you probably already know, but I’ll kill you and dump your bodies in a ditch if you tell the contestants! And no, I’m not Deion’s deadbeat dad.”

“But I can tell you I’m the producer, the director, an extremely famous and extravagant actor, and most importantly, the unpaid intern! And with my new show, that ‘unpaid’ part will soon be replaced with ‘stuffed full of cash and swimming in cheap hookers’!”

“Now, as you’ve probably already guessed, our idiots have gotten themselves into a bit of trouble now. Really, if I hadn’t teleport them, their stomachs would’ve probably melted from the inside out from the amount of hot sauce they were chucking down. They should be thankful.”

“Anyways, back to their situation at hand. I do believe we left off in a rather bad spot for our two idiots at the moment. Let’s go and see how they deal with it!”

A large, grassy plain stayed silent, nothing disturbing the tall grass other than the occasional breeze. The sky was a cloudless blue, and a field of beautiful sunflowers could be seen in the distance. A photo perfect image of a vacation spot in an idealized spot in Midwestern America perhaps. But not for long...

A portal opening from another dimension sprung up at the top of a hill. Dark swirls and bright flashes of light could be seen on the other side, but it quickly snapped shut. But not before spitting out a figure, just as the portal closed.

“Oh shit-burgers!” the figure yelled, falling down the hill in a painful roll before coming to a rest–or rather, crash, at the bottom. He was covered in grass stains and dirt, but on closer inspection the figure was discovered to be Dimitri as he got shakily back to his feet, brushing off some dirt from his clothes.

“God-fucking-damn, what the hell happened?” he asked himself, trying his best to stay steady on his feet without falling over.

“INCOMING!” another voice called. Before Dimitri had enough time to realize what was happening, another portal opened up directly to his right, causing a much smaller person to slam right into him.

Deion and Dimitri both simultaneously groaned. Somehow, Deion was uninjured, as he had used Dimitri’s large frame as a cushioning device. Dimitri, however, wasn’t doing too good.

“Shit, kid, get offa me!” Dimitri groaned, feeling his chest getting compressed by Deion’s body. If one of his ribs wasn’t broken then, it sure was now.

“Heh, my bad,” Deion apologized as he scooted off of the man, stretching up and cracking his knees and back. “Well... that was fun,” he laughed as he took in the sights of everything around him.

“For you maybe,” Dimitri growled tiredly, getting back to his feet and cracking his back with a pained expression on his face as he shook his head to clear his vision from the stars that appeared in it when Deion knocked  him over. Staring at the fields of grassland around them, he scratched his head and muttered, “Fucking hell, where did we end up? What kind ofdrugs were in that hot sauce?”

“The good kind! That’s for damn sure!” Deion grinned as he took off his Qdoba visor and stuffed it into his back pocket. He was actually very surprised that all of it happened to fit, but he didn’t question it. Having big pants equaled swag nowadays.

Dimitri frowned as he sighed in disappointment, since he was stuck with the most unserious companion he could have ended up with for this type of situation. “Listen, Deion, this is serious. We ain’t at the restaurant no more. We don’t even know where we are! You have any ideas?”

“Narni-” He stopped himself after remembering what Dimitri had just said. “Yeah, no...” He looked at the ground, his arms becoming limp as he let out a long sigh. “It’s really... pretty out here, though!”

“Yeah, fucking pretty. That isn’t gonna help us!” Dimitri said angrily, kicking at some dirt with his foot in a fit of rage. Letting out some air, he turned back to Deion and said, “Listen, sorry for snapping at you like that. We just need to keep cool heads and figure out what exactly happened to us. I remember that one weird-ass place we ended up in when we bit into the burritos. Could it have been a different dimension place or something like that?”

“Probably. Don’t know what else it could have been. It was talking alot about television, that voice. You remember?” Deion asked, as he tried to calm himself down now that he fully realized how screwed the two of them could be. He wasn’t doing a very good job at it.

“Yeah, that voice,” Dimitri agreed, nodding his head as he looked up at the sky. “Sounded like a creepy as fuck pedo to me. Could the sauce we just took contain some type of drug he put in there, so he could kidnap us and dump us out here?”

“Wow. That’s a little... rapey. But I’d assume so. I wonder why. Maybe he likes us?” Deion guessed, the corner of his mouth curling upwards a bit. He eagerly looked away, just in case Dimitri glared at him. “Anyways, what should we do now...?”

“Now would be a good time to call the cops to pick us up,” Dimitri said firmly, reaching into his pocket to grab his cell. But his hand just kept on going, until his entire arm fit down his right front pocket without poking out the other side, which promptly freaked Dimitri out as he withdrew his arm with a shout and threw whatever object he was holding on the ground. “What the fuck was that?”

Deion and Dimitri both looked down at the mysterious object that the eldest had just thrown down at the floor. It was fairly triangular with points on each side and two points in the middle. “Dude,” Deion started, “Did you just pull a batarang out of your pocket?”

“Did my pants just turn into the bat-belt?” Dimitri asked himself, picking up the batarang and glancing at it. “Says right here it’s the property of Batman. It could be real!”

“Dude. Give me your pants,” Deion said, as he blindly reached for Dimitri’s loins.

Dimitri reached out with a hand and held Deion back with a hand on his forehead nonchalantly because of his longer arm length. He continue to stare at the batarang, weighing it in his hand. “From the style and detail on it, it seems to come from Batman: The Animated Series.”

Deion finally tired himself out, and stopped trying to reach Dimitri’s endless pants. He rested his hands on his knees as he struggled to catch his breath, as he realized he really needed to start working out sometime soon. He panted harshly as he spoke, “Man, I don’t even want it anymore. Cartoon Network sucks.” After remembering their height, weight, and overall strength difference, Deion pedaled back. “Well, can I at least hold it?”

“Didn’t you just say CN sucks?” Dimitri reminded him, tossing the batarang in his hand a couple of times. Finally he gripped it hard and went into a throwing stance, one leg in the air with his body leaned backwards and his arm ready to spring out. “Besides, we gotta test it out first to be sure it’s the batarang for reals.”

He fell back on his raised foot and threw with all his might the batarang. The bat-shaped projectile flew outward like a bullet, quickly disappearing over a nearby hill. For a couple of seconds nothing was heard, so Dimitri shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, a real batarang would’ve returned by now. So we can call this one a dunce for sure.”

“Well, no need to have a bat attitude about it! Heh...” Deion said, reeling back a little bit and chuckling insanely at his terrible pun.

“Jesus Christ... it couldn’t have been a psycho-maniac-serial killer I would’ve ended up with? Nope, I have to slug around with the King of Terrible Puns and Haircuts,” Dimitri sighed to himself, facepalming.

“OW!” a voice over the hill yelped, as a painfully loud smack could be heard. Shading his eyes to try and catch a glance over the hill, Dimitri muttered, “Well shit, hit a pedestrian. But hey, at least we know we’re not out in the middle of nowhere after all.”

“Oh, goodie,” Deion sighed. Not entirely caring, and still eager to get his hands on the batarang, he sprinted off into the direction of which it was launched. “Come on, bro!” he shouted as he was almost forty-five feet away.

“Damnit kid, we don’t know who we hit! It could be a gang of bikers that will kick both our asses!” Dimitri yelled at Deion, trying his best to use his powerful legs to catch up with his faster companion.

“Who threw that at me?” shouted a clearly feminine voice, along with several out girlish screams of panic when the first voice yelled.

Dimitri was soon on Deion’s tail and jumped out to grab the back of his legs, causing the two to fall in the grass. Cursing while lifting himself up slightly to his knees, he held a finger to his lips and stared hard at Deion. “Listen kid, no playing around anymore than what we already did back there. We still don’t know where we are or who we’re dealing with. Keep your head low until we can get better info on who those people we just pissed off are.”

“Don’t worry. I have a rape whistle!” Deion said, before reaching into his pocket. “My mom makes me carry one in case of emergenc- hey...” Deion stopped as he felt his arms dig farther and farther into his own pockets.

“How exactly is a fucking whistle gonna help us when cops cacouldn be miles away? All that’ll be doing is calling even more rapists to go after us,” Dimitri said, facepalming in frustration as the voices from earlier seemed to be getting closer. “Shit, this could get ugly...”

Deion’s hands finally gripped around something extremely hard, and... wooden? With a grunt, he slowly lifted what appeared to be a large stick from his pocket which was about six feet long as Deion stared in awe. “Holy shit.” The middle of the staff was wrapped in what appeared to be a purple cloth.

Deion couldn’t stop giggling. “Heh. This isn’t the biggest stick I’ve kept in my pants...anyways, this looks alot like Donatello’s bo staff...”

“Save it for when you have an opportunity for a girl to slap ya’. We have bigger fish to fry,” Dimitri said, pointing to the voices. “Can you use that as well as Donatello? Cause we can use a frickin’ Ninja Turtle right about now.”

“But in all seriousness, I can. I self taught myself how to twirl staffs,” Deion explained as he slowly began to twirl the staff around his body, the stick slowly picking up speed as his movements began to increase. He faced it towards Dimitri, as if he was an enemy. “Come, my son. Now, we must DANCE,” he shouted as he struck a pose, the end of the staff two inches from his friend’s chest.

“Okay, we can officially add the title of King of Showing Off to your name now,” Dimitri sighed, digging into his own pockets to see what he had at hand.

“Just gimme a little bit. Soon my title will be King of Swag,” Deion said as he continued to twirl the stick. Oh yeah, he was so keeping this.

“Dear god, I’m dead,” Dimitri muttered, finally grabbing something in the endless space of his pants. “Still wondering how our pockets ended up being endless pocket-dimensions now. Like a frickin’ hammer space...”

Dimitri grunted as he pulled out a familiar sword, the weapon having a gold color with many scratches and cuts in the blade. Dimitri gripped the black handle that had a red gemstone encrusted in its pommel. “... Or a sword space, apparently,” he said in surprise, swinging the sword left and right. “Shit, it looks just like Finn’s sword from Adventure Time, too.”

Deion’s eyes widened with excitement, staring manically at his friend as he got into a fighting stance, holding his bo staff towards the enemy. “You!” Deion was not a racist, but his chinese accent was very lackluster. “I challenge you. To a duel to the death!”

“... Dude, you do know that the enemy, who might not be an enemy in the first place, is gonna be here at any second, right?” Dimitri asked with a frustrated sigh, just as the strange voices revealed themselves over the hill.

It was a group of... small, colorful horses. That was the best description Dimitri could come up with. Hell, some of them had frickin’ horns and wings on themselves. “Holy fuck, we really must be high.”

“Um... Twilight, what are those things?” Fluttershy asked her unicorn friend, pointing a hoof at the two strange, bipedal creatures wielding weapons at the bottom of the hill.

“I have no clue,” Twilight deadpanned, her vast knowledge of the races and species of the world useless at the moment as she was clearly mystified at what exactly those two creatures were.

“They sure are ugly...” Rainbow Dash commented, glaring at the pair with suspicion.

“ENGARDE, FOUL BEASTS! I WILL SLAY YOU AND BATHE IN YOUR BLOOD!” Deion screamed as he twirled his staff, running towards the potential threats.

“Goddamnit kid, hold your shit together!” Dimitri yelled, running after the stupid idiot before he screwed them over.

“Hey, we gon’ do somethin’ ‘bout those two lunatics running at us?” Applejack asked the others, staring with wonder as one creature came charging at them while the other ran after his friend.

“Well, it sure is taking them a long while to get up the hill,” Rarity observed, the unicorn shading her eyes to glance at the quickly approaching figures. “Anyone else feel this is more funny than dangerous at the moment?”

“Ooh, ooh, I am!” Pinkie Pie yelled cheerfully, clopping her front hooves together in glee as the bipedals were nearly upon them. “I think the one with the sword is going to win the race!”

“Wait, did somepony say sword?” Twilight asked, glaring at the two creatures now that they were closer. One was swinging a staff skillfully, while the other one with the sword tried desperately to grab onto the other.

Twilight slowly began to charge up a light that shone on the tip of her horn. “Girls, cover your eyes,” she said monotonously. As soon as she was sure that her friends couldn’t see, she covered her own before having her horn flash a bright white just a few feet from the two idiots.

The light exploded, casting a blinding, blank whiteness over the area like a snowstorm just dropped in. It only lasted for a few seconds, but at that time both Dimitri and Deion were rolling on the ground, each in huge amounts of pain, almost immediately blinded. For the next few following moments, the air was filled with various shouts and curses.

“Oh sweet baby Jesus, my eyes!” Dimitri screamed, abandoning his sword and crying tears of agony as he held his pain filled eyes.

“I can’t see! Fuck!” Deion cried, clinging at his apparently useless eyes now. Somehow, he managed to hang onto the staff.

“They burn! Like the pits of hell, they fucking burn!”

“My eyes. The fire! They’re burnin’ so hot, hot, hot!”

“I’m blinded! Blinded for life! Now kids will point and laugh at me in public, and I won’t even be able to see it!”

“I guess we’re really in Hell-en! Get it, because Helen Keller?” Deion laughed, managing somehow to find something funny in this situation.

“Dear God, why couldn’t I have been stricken deaf instead!” Dimitri groaned, the puns only making his pain worse.

“Deaf-inately!”

“Goddamnit!”

As the two creatures continued to bicker back and forth, the six ponies stared at them with a mix of downright puzzlement and pity. “Hey Twi, did ya’ really have to blind them like that?” Applejack asked, feeling slightly sorry for the two screaming figures.

“I used the weakest blinding spell I knew. Really, it was supposed to be like super bright flashlights going off in front of you. Nothing as bad as this,” Twilight explained, scratching her head at their behavior.

“So either they’re faking, or they’re wimps,” Rainbow Dash guessed, the others of her group nodding their heads in agreement.

“I’ll never be able to paint now!”

“Will the two friends ever find the answers they are looking for? Just where are they? What’s up with their pants? Will either of them ever man up? And will you all ever be bored with these annoying questions? Find out next week, on another episode of ‘whatever the hell this show is called’!”

Chapter 3: Kill Me Now

Hey there kids, we’re back with another episode! We last left our morons in quite a predicament. You know how getting your eyes blinded can be. Also, the fact they’re in an entirely different world with talking ponies as companions...

Anyways, we return back to the situation at hand. Both of them rolling on the ground, crying their eyes out.

“Oh sweet god, it still stings!” Dimitri cried, now shakily getting back to his feet, wiping at his eyes desperately.

Twilight simply rolled her eyes, saying, “Sheesh, you guys are the biggest over-dramatists I’ve ever seen.”

Deion finally managed to get to his feet, wobbling back and forth dangerously, his hands still covering his eyes as he blinked madly. “I take pride in that!”, he sobbed, holding himself up using his staff.

“Deion, do you know where my sword is?” Dimitri asked, blinking desperately to clear his vision so he could get a better look at his surroundings.

“I don’t know where anything is, man!” Deion uncovered his eyes, however, everything was insanely bright and blurry. Although, he did see a few colors in front of himself. He would not have been alarmed until he saw a rainbow like blur. He shouted before promptly throwing his staff at Rainbow Dash.

The cyan pegasus dodged to the left, the bo staff clattering to the ground next to her. Shaking her hoof at Deion, she shouted, “Hey bucko, what’s the big idea?”

“There we go!” Dimitri shouted, finally finding his sword on the ground next to his feet. Picking it up and grasping the hilt securely, he nearly fell to the ground when it was ripped from his grip by an aura of light surrounding it and dragging it towards the unicorn, whose horn was glowing the same color as the sword.

Twilight now had both their weapons in her telekinetic grip as she glared at them hard. “Listen, I don’t know who you guys are, or what you are exactly. But I already know one of you tried to attack my friend.” She gave Deion a dirty look after saying this. “And I got hit in the head by this thing,” she said, the batarang from before floating next to her. “Who threw it?”

“It was him!” Dimitri shouted, pointing to Deion. “Yep, definitely him. Ain’t gonna lie.”

“Oh! So always blame the black kid, huh?” Deion shouted, throwing his hands in the air. His eyes were now fully operational, and he was taking advantage of it. He gave Twilight a very serious glance. “I didn’t throw it. As you can tell, I have horrible accuracy...” Deion admitted, pointing to his staff of which he had just thrown not even a moment ago.

“Deion, I am shocked and hurt that you would accuse me of racism,” Dimitri said overdramatically, turning his back to the group. “Who are you gonna trust. Me, the responsible, tax paying adult, or the high schooler?”

“Hey. Fuck you,” Deion grumbled, low enough so that only his friend could hear him. “I’ll shove that bo staff so far up your ass you’ll be tasting wood for a week...if you don’t already...”

“Listen, I don’t even care who threw it anymore! Just stop bickering like foals!” Twilight shouted, frowning deeply as she facehoofed in frustration. Rainbow Dash actually chuckled a bit.

“Sheesh Twilight, you sound like their mom now,” the pegasus teased, nudging Applejack for her to agree.

“Twi has a good reason fer bein’ mad. These two have caused nothin’ but trouble since we’ve seen them. Who are you strangers anyhow?” the mare asked, tipping up her stenson to get a better look at the pair of tall bipedals.

“Well, my name is Deion. And that ass over there is Dimitri...” Deion said, pointing over to the older, but immature man to his left. “Who the hell are you?”

“Wait, so is Dimitri a donkey?” Pinkie Pie asked, holding a hoof to her chin in thought. Everyone, even the humans, collectively connected their appendages to their faces.

“Dear god... no, I’m not a frickin’ donkey. Deion and I here are humans. Like a monkey, but with less hair and bigger brains. Though in Deion’s case his brain is closer to monkies,’ Dimitri chuckled.

“Oh, so now you’re calling a black kid a “monkey” now, racist prick.”, Deion said, crossing his arms and staring at Dimitri vexingly.

“What the fucking hell? No! It was just a joke... ah, screw it,” Dimitri mumbled under his breath, scratching his head as he stared at the ponies. “So... you guys horses or something?”

“Ponies, to be exact,” Twilight answered, pointing collectively at her group of friends. “My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I’m a unicorn. My other friend Rarity is one too.”

Rarity, trying her best to be polite in front of a strange, new species, waved hesitantly at the humans. “Well, um, hello there. Nice to... meet you fine gentlemen.”

“And my friends Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are pegasi,” Twilight said, pointing to the rainbow and pink maned mares.

Rainbow Dash just gave Deion a glare and said, “Better not throw a staff or anything else at me again, or else.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Deion said grinning, lifting up a hand and giving her a coy wave. Rainbow Dash huffed and gave the human the stink eye.

“Try not to act like a sarcastic asshole,” Dimitri muttered in Deion’s ear, just as the yellow pegasus had her turn to introduce herself. Instead, Fluttershy just hid behind her mane and gave a hello that only someone with superpowered hearing could have detected.

“... Anyways, then there’s Pinkie Pie and Applejack. They’re both earth ponies,” Twilight introduced the last two ponies.

Applejack gave a tip of her hat, her face expressionless. “Don’t stir up too much trouble, ya hear?”

“Quivering in my shoes,” Dimitri mumbled under his breath. Out of nowhere, a loud and high pitched squeal eased it’s way through the silence as Pinkie Pie jumped into Dimitri’s unextended arms. As both of them tumbled briefly on the ground, Pinkie brought her mouth up to Dimitri’s ear.

“I love shoes! Though not many ponies wear shoes. I dunno why, since they’re so cool and comfortable and cover your hooves so well, but you don’t have hooves, do you? Unless you do, because that would be sweet!” the pink mare exclaimed in the human’s ear, nearly popping one of his ear drums.

“I like her already!” Deion chortled as he viewed the sight in front of him.

“Pinkie, we do not tackle strange alien creatures who can possibly be dangerous!” Twilight yelled at her friend, the others giggling in hysteria at Pinkie’s latest act.

“Get off!” Dimitri yelled, shoving Pinkie off himself.

“Yeah. He’s more into ‘stallions’ or ‘bucks’ or whatever you call them,” Deion laughed.

“Shut it, kid,” Dimitri mumbled, getting back to his feet and wiping off the new dirt he got on the back of his jeans because of Pinkie.

“Aww, but he’s so comfortable, Twi!”, Pinkie complained, pointing at Dimitri while giving Twilight her best puppy dog look.

Deion opened his mouth, but promptly closed it after realizing that this situation would never get anywhere unless someone actually did something important. “Uh... so... look, I know we just met. But we’re really hungry... and being in another world and hungry at the same time never really adds up well.”

“Wait, we’re stuck in another dimension filled with talking ponies and all you can think of is food?” Dimitri asked, shocked, quickly becoming annoyed when he realized who he was asking this to. “Unbelievable.”

“I’m a poor child, I work at Qdoba for God’s Sakes, I didn’t even get to eat my burrito, so I demand supplement!” Deion shouted, as he began to untuck his uniform. If you were listening closely, you would have noticed that his stomach was giving its best mating call.

“Listen, I’ll buy you a hundred burritos once we get back home! Just get your head in our current situation!”, Dimitri asked desperately, trying his best to keep his anger back.

“Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. Just in queso.” Unfortunately, no one seemed to be listening to Deion.

“Wait... did you two say another world?” Twilight asked the two, glancing at each one of them in wonder. “So you guys aren’t originally from Equestria?”

“Hell nah. I’m from Wisconsin. Home of the fat people, cows, football, more fat people, and cheese which results in fat people,” Deion replied proudly.

Dimitri rolled his eyes at Deion’s statement and said, “And I’m from Florida, just visiting his state for a family thing. Home of the drug addicts and dealers, prostitutes, spring breakers, NASCAR fans–”

Deion cut him off. “Lemme stop you right there and tell you that living there was your first mistake.” He lifted up a finger smugly. Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie’s focus was nowhere to be found, as she was staring at a passing butterfly in childlike wonder. None of Twilight’s friends seemed to be very amused either.

“... Dude, I live in the South. Of course that’s a mistake. I’m surrounded by drunk, redneck idiots,” Dimitri replied sadly.

“Good. Now I can be the only idiot you’re surrounded by!” For some reason, Deion was insanely proud of that comment.

“Good for you,” Dimitri said darkly, returning his attention back to Twilight. “Anyways, we’re from Earth. Little blue planet out in the middle of nowhere called the Milky Way galaxy. Heard of it?”

“I’m afraid I have not,” Twilight answered, glancing back to her friends. “You’re currently in the country called Equestria, right outside the town Ponyville.”

“Hey Deion, finally found someone who has worst puns than you!” Dimitri laughed after hearing those names, caught off guard by the utter stupidity of naming a town like that.

“I take that as a challenge.”

“Not now!” Dimitri yelled, nudging Deion roughly with his elbow to not take up said challenge.

“Deion never backs down from a challenge...” Deion grumbled to himself. Somehow, no one had managed to hear him .”I’ll show them all...”

“... Anyways, how did you two end up here? I’ve never seen or even heard about humans before,” Twilight asked them, still somewhat fearful of the unknown creatures, though their utter immaturity made them much less threatening.

“We ate a burrito with a lot of spices. Then there was a ton of flashing colors followed by a seemingly endless void that bended both time and space. Next thing we know, we were thrown through a portal and ended up here,” Deion explained, shrugging slightly. He glanced at his bo staff, which was still suspended in midair. “Can... can I please have my baby back?” He whimpered.

Twilight, after alternating her view from the wooden stick and the kid, sighed after deeming that he wouldn’t be able to exactly do much with it at this point. With a small grunt, she hovered it back over to him. Deion responded to this by grabbing the staff and holding onto it for dear life like it was his new puppy or something.

“Yo, what about my sword and the batarang?” Dimitri asked, pointing to his other weapons Twilight was holding.

“No way. Worst he can do is whack someone over the head with the staff. You sword can stab someone, and the ‘batarang’ already gave me a nasty bruise on my head,” Twilight answered, floating Dimitri’s items slightly away so he got the message.

Suddenly, the batarang disappeared in a flash of light, some sparkly glitter in a silhouette of it floating to the ground. “NO!” Dimitri cried out, falling to the ground where the batarang glitter fell, grabbing the dirt and glitter desperately. “That was a real batarang! Every comic book nerd’s dream toy! Gone forever...”

Deion, noticing his cue, squatted next to the man as he rubbed his back comfortingly. “Don’t worry. At least we still have each other...” Deion proceeded to give Dimitri a crooked smile, which slowly turned into a grin, and back again. All while his eyes were wide open.

“But I can’t sell you online!” Dimitri cried, shaking his fist at the heavens for all this unfairness.

“Not legally.”

“Wow Twi, ya’ were right ‘bout these two bein’ overdramatic,” Applejack whispered to her friend.

Twilight nodded her head, quickly becoming annoyed by the humans’ childish antics. “Well, that still doesn’t exactly explain how you two came to Equestria of all places. Maybe something from the library can shed some light. Or Princess Celestia...”

“Twilight, can we really trust these two enough to bring them into Ponyville?” Rainbow Dash asked, tipping her head to the humans.

“Not really. But from what we’ve already seen of them, they aren’t that dangerous. Just really immature.” Twilight walked up to Dimitri still crying on the ground and Deion playfully comforting him, tapping her hoof on the ground. “Hey you two, mind coming into town with us? We may be able to help you there.”

“Eh, might as well. Not like we have anything better to do...” Deion replied for the both of them. He then proceeded to roughly nudge the sobbing man on the ground from his depressed state.

“Fine. Won’t make my dreams about being Batman one day feel any better,” Dimitri muttered sadly, getting to his feet and trudging along to the direction of town.

“I guess the joke’s on you!” Deion fist punched the air wildly in celebration of his newest joke. “Get it? Because the Joker?”

“Dude, you can tell your joke is bad when you actually have to explain it,” Dimitri replied, though he was grinning a bit. Deion managed to catch it before Dimitri hid it with a frown.

“Yeah. And you know your parents failed when their 21 year old son is still trying to become Batman.”

“We all have dreams. Mine just happens to be Batman,” Dimitri explained, shrugging his shoulders as the ponies led them into town and wisely spaced themselves out a few feet so they didn’t have to listen to the bickering humans.

Eventually they hit a path leading up to the small town. They really were only minutes away from the outskirts, and soon they reached the main road into town. Rainbow Dash still glared at the humans from time to time, Rarity was more interested in what they were wearing to really see them as a threat, Fluttershy was acting her usual self near strangers and was avoiding them as much as possible, while Applejack and Pinkie Pie were the only ones willing to keep close to the humans. Applejack because she wanted to keep a better eye on them in case they did something funny, and Pinkie Pie did it for much the same reason, if we don’t count that it was for a different type of funny. And of course, Twilight was leading all of them to the library, Dimitri’s sword still in her telekinetic grip.

“Uhm, why is everything so colorful here?”, Deion asked as he gazed upon the variously colored houses, most of them looking like they belonged in the Middle Ages. Thatched roofs with old timey designs everywhere. “It feels like I just entered candyland.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Don’t you dare make fun of our way of life,” she grumbled. “We’re definitely not making fun of yours. Be considerate.”

“But you know nothing about us,” Dimitri pointed out, just as a walking pair of ponies stared at the group. They quickly went shrieking in terror, screaming at the top of their lungs when they spotted the humans. “Um... what was that?”

“Damn, I haven’t been treated this badly since that one time I went to a civil war reenactment.” Deion said as he watched the ponies flee from them.

“Wait, so they’re racist towards us, huh? Dimitri said more to himself than anyone else. “Is this what minorities feel like all the time? Actually, we’re both the minority this time... Sweet!”

“Fun for you. Now you know what it feels like to be black,” Deion replied smugly.

“Well, I already love fried chicken and watermelon,” Dimitri joked, chuckling to himself. Deion proceeded to give a Dimitri a half lidded stare. He contemplated calling him a racist bastard, but since he already knew that, Deion simply ignored it.

“Why are you giving me that look?” Dimitri asked, noticing the weird way Deion was staring at him.

“Anypony have any idea what those two are talking about?” Applejack asked the others as she arched an eyebrow at the humans. The rest of the group just shook their heads.

Twilight sighed when they got to the center of town, many ponies staring at the humans fearfully while others just ran off. “Sorry guys... Ponyville doesn’t have the best track record with being open with strangers. We improved with a zebra named Zecora, but you two are... a bit more intimidating.”

“I know. Not everyone can handle this!”Deion shouted as he almost immediately started to flex his weak triceps as he walked. Instead of looking menacing, he accidently flexed too hard and farted a little.

Dimitri burst out laughing, holding onto his knees while he bent forward as tears entered his eyes from too much laughter. The mares just gave Deion a disgusted look, particularly Rarity, who seemed close to the edge of fainting from such a prude act. Wiping away a tear, Dimitri walked up to Deion and flexed his own bicep, his muscle causing his jacket arm to bulge at the seams. “Kid, now this is some real muscle. Hit the weights a bit. Do you even lift?”

“Hey. You may be stronger, but I’m smarter than you... somewhat,” Deion said, hoping that he would have at least that to hang onto. “Well, when I’m calm I guess. I got a little excited earlier.”

“Whatever excuse you can come up with then,” Dimitri replied, glancing around at more of the buildings and scenic walk through Ponyville. “Sheesh, this place feels like it was ripped out of the imagination of a six year old girl. Yo, Twinkie or whatever your name is, when are we gonna get to the library?”

“It’s Twilight, and we’re nearly there!” she shouted back, frustrated that he had  gotten her name wrong as at his impatience.

“Oh no, no, no, we can’t have that happening,” a voice said from far away, silent to the group and seeming to speak to someone else. “Ratings will go down to the dumps if we keep it sunny-fun like this. Hmm...”

“Ooh, I got it! Time for a bit of fun to be had!” The snap of fingers could be heard echoing through the town and alerting the group of ponies and humans. “Time for the first monster of the week to arrive!”

“Uhm...do you hear that?” Fluttershy whispered from the back of the group. Everybody stopped dead in the tracks as a few of the ponies’ ears twitched nervously.

“Huh? Fluttershy, I don’t hear anythi–” started Rainbow Dash, but her words quickly died in her mouth when she looked behind to see what the commotion was.

“Dear God... it can’t be Him,” Dimitri whispered, finally noticing the portal appearing right behind the group as a strange and sinister figure stepped forward.

“Him? What? Dimitri, you know what that thing is?” Deion asked as he stared in awe at the odd creature in front of him.

The best way to describe Him was if a crab mixed with a demon, having a tall and skinny body with lobster-like claws for hands. With a face even a mother would cry in terror at if she saw, he had a hooked nose, pointy ears, and curled black beard at the end of his chin. And to complete the already strange as hell getup was the fact he dressed like a drag queen. A lady's red jacket and skirt with pink tulle at the collar and hemline, a black leather belt belt with a bronze buckle, and black, thigh-high, spike-heeled boots that one would commonly see on a hooker.

“Yeah... I know, “Dimitri gulped nervously, really wishing right now he had his sword back. “It’s Him, one of the Powerpuff Girls’ greatest enemy. He is commonly known as being the devil himself. Which isn’t good for us about now.”

“Wait, what are you two talking about? And how did he arrive here?” Twilight asked, confused to a high degree with what exactly was going on.

“Hmm?”,Him murmured as he set his sights on the group of ponies, along with Deion and Dimitri. His voice almost seemed to echo as a high-pitched falsetto, as if he was in a large cave. It sent chills down Deion’s spine, who gripped his bo staff just a little bit tighter.

“This won’t end well,” Dimitri muttered under his breath, running over quickly to where Twilight was holding his sword and grabbing it, ripping it from her telekinetic hold when she wasn’t paying attention.

“H-hey, don’t do that!” the unicorn shouted.

“Too bad, so sad, I don’t really give a damn,” Dimitri smartly replied, holding the sword in a two hand grip and pointing it at Him. “I don’t want to go against this guy without a weapon.”

Deion, after seeing Dimitri take his stance, decided to get ready as well. He wasn’t going to just let another go into battle alone. He raised up his staff, his left hand gripping the bottom of the shaft while he wrapped his other hand around the purple cloth in the middle of the shaft. He pointed the end at Him, a slight grin on his face. He’d always wanted bust out some of those karate moves he’d seen in a few of those Jackie Chan movies.

“Oh goodie, some toys to play with,” Him chuckled, snapping his claws in joy. “This should be fun. Hope I don’t break you guys too soon.”

Deion gulped slightly. “You have any lovely ideas?”

“Yeah... yo, ponies!” Dimitri called to the group of mares. “Just stand back and let us handle this. Run if you have to. And Deion, check if you have anything in your pockets that can help us. We’re gonna need more than a staff and sword if we’re gonna take this guy on.”

After hesitating for a brief moment, he let his left hand part with the staff before reaching around in his pocket. He grunted curses to himself as he tried to reach for something, ANYTHING that he could find in the inner mechanisms of his jeans. About two seconds later, his fingertips touched something plastic.

“Ah-hah!” he exclaimed before grabbing it and yanking it out of his pockets. His gleeful smile slowly turned upside down as he realized what it was. In his hand was a small blue container with a white lid. There was a label on the front with absolutely no words, only a picture of a single bubble. “Really? Bubble soap?”

“Shit... Well, we’re screwed,” Dimitri deadpanned, looking down the end of his sword at his nearing doom. “Definitely didn’t expect to go out this way. Was expecting to go out in a drunken shenanigan type of way. Oh well, guess getting killed by a crab-devil drag queen in the land of talking ponies will have to do.”

“Looks like our morons are in quite the pickle now. What with their first monster being evil incarnate and all. Well, we’re cutting to commercial break at the moment, in which the most epic fight scene of your life will happen when we come back on! Get a change of pants and a beer for this one, folks!”

“Toodle-ooh!”