Feghoot

by Dan_s Comments

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3650

1) Pinkie researches a new holiday, 2) A dark day for Equestria

Chpt 1) Pinkie and her friends celebrate a new holiday along with the citizens of Ponyville.
Chpt 2) A dark day for Equestria. Who is the new enemy and what do they want?
Chpt 3) Celestia deals with an Arrogant Worm of a pirate
Chpt 4) Applejack, linguist extraordinaire
Chpt 5) Twilight deals with a rumor in a very Twilight way (no, not with sparkly vampires)

Published 2013-05-04 14:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-04-02 02:35:11 UTC

Schmuck Bait

Feghoot
Chapter 1- Schmuck Bait

Spike took aim, his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth in concentration. He let the smooth stone fly. He and his friends eagerly watched as the stone skipped on Ponyville Pond. Once, twice, and sailed over the target. Even skipping six more times before sinking didn't rouse the dragon's spirits.

"Nice try Spike, but here's how it's done," Rainbow Dash told him, and took aim, and made a mighty throw, only to have the stone skip in an arc away from the floating bottle. Rainbow huffed at that, and especially Applejack's chuckling. "I'd like to see you do better."

"Then keep yer eyes open," the farm pony picked up a stone and sent it gently skipping across the pond. It hit the bottle, but without enough force to do anything.

"Ha, you didn't get it either!" Rainbow exulted as she fluttered over Applejack.

"Leastways I hit it," Applejack said in her defense. The two friends growled at each other nose to nose.

Rarity cleared her throat. "It's clear that finesse is needed for this, not brute force," she told them, levitating her carefully chosen, skipping stone. With her horn magic she tossed the stone and watched it skip once before sinking well short of the target. "Well," she said as the others hid their snickering.

While the others were distracted. Fluttershy made her throw. The stone skipped several times, but like Rainbow Dash's, skipped away from the target.

"Pinkie, are you sure this is how the game is supposed to be played?" Twilight asked.

"Of course!" the pink mare insisted, "You think I'd just throw a party without a good reason?" she asked. Around them, dozens of the other Ponyvillians laughed, ate and waited for their chance at the target.

"Of course not," Pinkie insisted when all her friends had suddenly taken up studying the clouds or the ground.

"Yeah, you'd need someone to at least drop a hat," Rainbow said.

"Ooo! We can have a hat-dropped party tomorrow!" Pinkie exclaimed.

Rainbow hovered there and facehooved.

"Well, there are others waiting their turn," Twilight said, "And it is kind of nice just hanging out with friends."

"So, you read a book on skipping stones?" Rainbow teased.

"As a matter of fact, I did," Twilight said and picked up her stone with her hoof and took careful aim, before letting fly. The stone skipped straight towards the jar target, and right over it.

"Must have been the same book I read," Spike grumbled as Twilight stared at the miss, no doubt calculating her improvements for her next throw.

"This is hard," Twilight admitted, 'This could almost be a sport."

"Sure Sugarcube, but who'd watch it?" Applejack asked.

Pinkie stood on her hind legs, aimed at the target, and made a mighty throw. The first skip was short of the target, the second carried it well over the floating jar. The third made it to the opposite shore.

"You wanna see if it hits the jar in the next lake over?" Rainbow teased.

"Grrr," Pinkie replied.

The friends moved aside as Cheerilee and the mayor led a group of youngsters forward to make their tries.

The daisy sandwiches and apple treats made a good lunch. Then Applejack revealed a small barrel.

She instantly had Rainbow's complete and undivided attention. "Is that what I think, I hope, I pray it is?"

Applejack nodded. "Granny Smith's private reserve. Apple Family only. But after those varmints tried to steal our farm, you all are family." She carefully poured a small mug for Rainbow Dash. "Now sip -"

The pegasus had already drunk the entire mug. Barely remembering not to swallow the mug itself.

"Y'all, sip yours," Applejack warned as Rainbow Dash stood there, wings at maximum extension, staring wide-eyed at something in the distance and starting to sweat profusely.

The pegasus began changing colors at random, with her mane, tail and wings becoming different colors. It culminated in her body and wings being two clashing plaid, green and purple polka dotted mane, and her tail going white. Then she fell over and rested on an outstretched wing.

"Rainbow Dash!' Twilight shouted in fright.

"Can I have another?" Rainbow asked in a voice that sounded like a Crusader-aged filly.

"Let the others sip their's, then you kin have seconds," Applejack said, "No Spike, yer too young. Might stunt yer growth . . . or make it happen."

Rarity's first sip made her mane straighten like Pinkamena's. Pinkie turned gray, faded back to normal, giggled, took another sip and turned gray again.

Twilight sipped, and fell over. Rainbow catching the mug so not a drip was spilled. "By Celestia," Twilight intoned, "I'm full of stars."

Fluttershy sipped, glanced around nervously, took a larger drink. "Sorry."

"Don't worry Sugarcube, I jist do this," Applejack said and sipped. Her hat flew off her head, flipped a full 360 and landed back down. "That what you get from Zap Apple cider."

They continued eating, and sipping cider, laughing at the effect it had on each other, and watching the other party-goers try and fail to hit the bobbing jar with skipped rocks. Until it was their turn again at the elusive, mayonnaise jar target floating teasingly at the middle of the pond. There they discovered the cider had not improved their markmareship.

"Ha!" Rainbow Dash laughed, "You couldn't hit a barn you were standing inside!"

"At least I kin still skip mine," Applejack replied hotly, "Splooch!"

"Look out!" Spike shouted. All the mares froze and glanced around. Spike skipped a stone, and managed a glancing tap on the bottle.

"Why'd you shout 'look out'?" Applejack asked.

"Got you to quit fighting, didn't it?" Spike replied dryly.

Fluttershy noted the groups left around the pond were the young couples who were likely uninterested in party games. She flew out and retrieved the half-full, mayonnaise jar. It had a few scuffs, and one small crack in the glass, but nothing that would have admitted water to the inside. "I think it didn't work," she told Pinkie.

"Don't be blue Pinkie," Rarity reassured her friend, "Everypony had a wonderful time. Eating good food and playing with friends."

"Yeah, I guess," Pinkie said quietly, "It's just I think we kinda missed the point, as long as that kept floating." The indicated the jar still in Fluttershy's hooves."

"Can you imagine what it would have been like with a jar of mustard?" Rarity chuckled.

"Or a ketchup bottle," Spike added.

"You and Twi wouldn't have missed high so often," Applejack said.

"How about a pickle barrel?" Rainbow said.

"Easy to hit, impossible to sink," Fluttershy replied.

"Yeah," Pinkie said, "But mayonnaise was specified."

"The point of any celebration is to be with friends and family. To commemorate the past, and gain strength to carry on into the future," Twilight told her.

"Yeah I guess," Pinkie admitted, "But if that didn't wind out at the bottom of the pond, what was sinko de mayo for?"

3) Pirates!

Feghoot – Pirates!
Dan's Comments
DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Celestia loved her little ponies, despite their relentless attempts to make her hate them, or at least hate or fear for her own sanity. The ennui of the court was a necessary forum that all her little ponies had, to make sure that Celestia could hear, and thus wisely rule on their many disputes. Originally, it had been for ponies who had been wronged by the nobility, or the judiciary. But with the bad actors in those branches swept out, they were now just a giant complaint box. A placebo that once Celestia heard their issues, everything would again be right with the world.

At other times, they made Celestia seriously wonder if Discord or Nightmare Moon had been completely wrong after all.

"He stole it, all of it!" the pony before her wailed as if someone had taken her children, before breaking down in sobs.

Celestia nodded and made sympathetic noises, but her confusion required a question. "I just wanted to understand Augeas, you were transporting cow manure?"

"Fertilizer," the pony corrected, then hastily added, "Fertilizer, Highness. Three thousand tons of the finest. The foul pirate snuck up behind us, rammed my barge, sank it, and made off with my entire load."

Celestia glanced at the guards, and bless them, they were maintaining their stereotypical stoicism, allowing her to maintain her serious mien. But, she thought, They are using their 'ear semaphore'. The guard had ages ago learned to cant their ears this way or that to communicate a few but potent messages. She read their ears and didn't answer aloud, Yes, you are hearing this correctly. Three thousand tons of – fertilizer.

"I can assure you, the guard will be informed and this will be taken with all due seriousness," she told the pony, nodded to the officer of the guard, who nodded grimly back.

"Thank you highness! Thank you!" Augeas left smiling broadly.

As soon as the doors closed, Celestia gasped, "Fertilizer!"

Celestia tried not to sigh and rub her forehead. "What did he steal again?" she asked of the very nervous looking rustic sheriff. Ponies could panic easily when they were out of their element. The farmers in the sheriff's area had definitely lived up to that reputation, forcing the proud officer of the law to make this report. Against her better judgment, and her earnest desire.

"Highness," the poor mare said, obviously no happier reporting this situation than Celestia was on hearing it. "Tractor Jack has taken a thousand tons of hay, at last count."

"Hay," Celestia said, and watched the sheriff nod.

While piracy on the high seas remained a problem, the idea of piracy on Equestria's inland water ways and preying on the commerce thereon struck Celestia as something that would have attracted Discord's attention, had he been free at this time.

"The guard will be alerted and sent after this villain," Celestia said.

If for no better reason than to teach us how you steal hundreds of tons of hay, so quickly, and just disappear, Celestia thought.

"Thank you," Celestia said and dismissed the poor mare from this humiliating report.

Celestia looked at the captain of the guard. "Hay."

"Hay, Highness," he replied, clearly staving off his own headache.

Celestia felt a migraine coming on, and was desperate to avoid venting her spleen on the most obvious target. "Auntie, I know you don't like me interfering in local law enforcement," Blueblood said, his normally whining/grasping tone missing.

She put aside her assumption that this was merely another kvetch and tried to take what he was saying at face value. "You are saying that the local guard was fired?"

"Downsized," Blueblood said, then shied back from Celestia's glare.

"Do you see any sensitive bureaucrats?" Celestia asked.

Blueblood shook his head.

"Then he was fired," Celestia said, "Wasn't he fired for his failure to catch this Tractor Jack?"

"Yes, Auntie," Blueblood said, "But that was because the local authorities denied his fifty-seven requests for a boat."

Celestia felt her migraine getting worse, while her anger with Blueblood faded away. "They wouldn't let him buy a boat, while he was chasing a river-borne pirate?"

"Buy, rent or loan," Blueblood said quietly.

"Blueblood, I will return your friend to service, immediately," she promised.

"I was asking for clemency, when he's caught," Blueblood said, "You see, when he was fired, he was so angry . . . he joined the pirates." Blueblood shied back.

Celestia merely sighed. I wonder if they have an opening for an alicorn princess.

"He will have clemency," Celestia said.

I hope someone will have a similar mercy on me, when these fools finally drive me crazy, Celestia said.

Celestia was not used to the full ambassadorial press by the entire local group. The griffons, zebras and others were all assembled to speak with Celestia. "Your Highness, we must request Equestrian help," the griffon ambassador said, oddly, missing the hat that was practically his calling card.

"Of course," Celestia said. She paused. "Not to intrude, but your hat . . . "

The griffons burst into tears. "This Tractor Jack villain has been stealing every hat that crosses his path!" the griffon wailed.

Celestia couldn't help it, she began laughing.

4) Lines of Communication

Lines of Communication

Rarity approached the small hill in Sweet Apple Acres, what had drawn her was Twilight standing and staring at something in the cleft between this hill and the next. Achieving the summit herself, she stared down at scene unfolding.

"Pi-pika pika pi," the yellow jerboa said. Rarity winced at the mutilated tail and the odd form it had been allowed to heal into.

Fluttershy would be in tears, she thought. The other three figures confronting Applejack looked like Twilight's explanation of Sunset Shimmer's compatriots. Although the coloration is unreal, she thought.

The blonde girl nodded to the jerboa and nodded. "Poi," she said sadly.

"Chibi-chibi," the comparatively tiny redhead said, "Chibi-chibi."

"Poi," the blonde said, "Poi, poi, poi-poi, poi."

Applejack glanced at the tallest, with his greasy black hair and disdainful expression. He seemed unwilling to comment.

"Pika. Pika pi," the jerboa said.

"Apples," Applejack said firmly.

"Pika, pika pi," the jerboa said.

"Apples," Applejack replied.

"Poi." "Chibi-chibi."

Applejack shook her head. "Apples."

What rolled over the hill near the next over orchard looked like a giant pepper shaker with a whisk and a plunger attached. "EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

Applejack threw her hat down and pointed the way it had come. "Apples!" she insisted.

The creature spun around and headed back. "Ex-ter-min-ate," it announced.

The jerboa and the two girls seemed shaken by the creature's arrival. The sneering man only looked at Applejack with faintest hint of concern.

"Apples," Applejack replied with a shrug.

"Poi?" the blonde asked as he held the shivering redhead.

"Chibi-chibi," the red head said.

"Pika," the jerboa drawled, then in a fair imitation of the pepper shakers, "Pi pi-ka Pi!"

Applejack shrugged. "Apples."

"Poi?" the blonde asked the tall man, her voice laced with concern.

"Pi, pika pi pika?" the jerboa added, clearly afraid.

"Chibi-chibi!" the red head practically chirped.

At the last the tall man facepalmed then gave the tiny red head a truly withering look.

"Apples," Applejack said, almost offhandedly, examining her fore hoof.

The tall man gave her a spiteful smirk. "McClaine," he said and gave her a truly candy-eating grin.

Applejack covered her face with her hat.

The blonde and the jerboa facepalmed. "Pika." "Poi."

The man started to head off after the pepper shaker as Applejack continued towards Twilight and Rarity. The jerboa led the two girls after the man.

Applejack arrived at the hill crest and closed Twilight's mouth. "Catchin' flies yer Highness?" she asked.

From beyond the hill came the crash of gunfire and the strikes of lightning,

"Pika!"

"Poi!"

"Exterminate!"

"Fruitbats are bad this year," Applejack explained.

"Exterminateexterminateexterminate!"

"Poi! POI! Poi! Poi!"

"Pi. Ka! CHU!"

The horizon near the hill lit up like a sunrise.

"And aggressive too," Applejack said, "So I called in some professionals."

"Pika- poi-minate!"

"They must be expensive," Rarity said.

"Yeah, but they do the job," Applejack said.

"This close to harvest, how are you paying them," Twilight asked, shouting over the increase in volume and intensity of the gunfire and thunder beyond the hill.

"Apples."

Author's Note

Enjoy 2020 April Fools

5) Oxidane

Oxidane

There were times Twilight wished her friends were less - enthusiastic. Yes, enthusiastic was a polite way of putting it. The fliers Pinkie Pie had put up for a town meeting would help. Pinkie hadn't meant it to, she had meant to 'warn' everypony, i.e., spread the panic, but Twilight could use it to end the hysteria.

So Twilight had a scroll from Princess Celestia, a separate one from Princess Luna, and the largest chemistry book she had.

The other bearers were there, along with Discord. For once, the chaos in Ponyville and slowly spreading to the rest of Equestria had nothing to do with him. She idly wondered if he resented that even a little bit.

She did resent that he hadn't helped lessen it, but every time somepony brought it up around him, he literally dissolved in laughter. The sight of dozens and dozens of tiny mouths on scattered pieces of draconequus would forever haunt her dreams. Thus the panic intensified, and the latest rumor was that 'even Discord is affected by it.'

"I heard it will dissolve any metal!" came the anguish cry among the flower ponies.

"It's involved in more deaths than any other industrial chemical," the panicked mayor said.

Twilight sighed.

"I heard it is involved with more boiler explosions than anything else," one of the train engineers gasped.

"I heard even a small amount can kill you!" a plumber said.

Twilight sighed.

"I heard once you survived exposure, you have to keep drinking it, or you'll die!" Rarity exclaimed and swooned.

"Is it true the gas form can give terrible burns?" Fluttershy asked.

Twilight sighed.

The meeting wasn't officially set to begin, but Twilight thought it was important she take the stage first, and hopefully nopony else would need to speak.

"I heard when it's solid it can give you burns too!"

Et tu Sweetie Belle, Twilight thought as she passed terrified huddle of the Crusaders and their antagonists Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.

"It's in the water supply!" gasped Cheerlee, who should have known better.

"Easy we jist ban Di - ah maxin hide," Applejack said, "From the water supply."

"Dihydro monoxide," Derpy said as she stood beside a vastly amused Time Turner, "And removing that from water isn't as easy as that."

"SILENCE!" Discord thundered and gestured at the stage. He gave her a wink, then loudly pointed out she'd arrived, with a stream of exploding, neon banjos.

Twilight sighed again but set the scrolls where everypony could see the Royal Seals, and the massive book clearly labeled 'CHEMISRTY' on the spine, she glared at Discord and the title returned to CHEMISTRY. "When I heard about the concerns about Dihydro monoxide, all the concerns, I contacted Princesses Celestia and Luna separately, and the Royal Academy, and all three have independently confirmed what my research had already verified. Our water does not, never has and never will contain Dihydro monoxide, two words, nor dihydromonoxide, one word. This is something spread by the uneducated and comes from an ancient rumor spread by our enemies, or from one tribe to another during the Three Kingdoms period, and something we've all outgrown."

Twilight pulled out a scroll. "Per the Royal Academy, 'Per our best scientists, and backed by Royal Decree by the Highest Authority: water in Equestria contains no Dihydro monoxide. It does contain the fully approved Oxidane, which does not change the physical, chemical, nor physiological characteristics of water, as proven in test after test some carried out under the direct supervision of Princess Celestia over the span of centuries and more recently performed by Princess Luna Herself.' Princess Celestia and Princess Luna independently confirmed that, and have suggested I should pour several gallons of Dihydro monoxide on the head of anyone who started or continues these rumors."

There was a gasp from the crowd as they heard the dire fate of rumor mongers.

"Relax everypony," Spike said, "Even we don't have any Dihydro monoxide."

The crowd relaxed.

Twilight sighed.

Author's Note

My annual April Fools entry

2) Celestia's Darkest Fears

The object had appeared over Equestria several days earlier. They had deftly dodged several attempts to 'throw the sun and moon at them' and remained in much the same high orbit that they had initially taken.

Too high for even an alicorn to reach, freeing Discord was not an option, yet.

The capture of a number of ponies from all over Equestria had changed dull concern into raving panic among some ponies.

Celestia reread the scroll she had received earlier that day. 'They've taken Pinky.' No salutation, no additional comments and the misspelling told Celestia all she needed to know about her student's state of mind when she sent it.

"Without Pinkie Pie, we cannot use the Elements of Harmony. Did they know, were the others taken to disguise the neutralization of Equestria's greatest and last defense?" Celestia asked herself as she waited.

The kidnappings had started two days ago, and had ceased as suddenly as they started. The mages, diplomats and functionaries pored over all the records they could about the captives, searching for a pattern, searching for a response, and searching for a way to drive the aliens off.

The few ideas they'd come up with ranged from the chillingly practical: they took a cross-section of the populace as a test segment for the whole population, to the absurd: have everypony hide and set out hundreds of pony-dummies filled with firework to trick the aliens into blowing themselves up.

"That's like the vow for everypony captured to sneeze on the aliens to give them a virus," Celestia said as she stared at the ugly, almost industrial spaceship.

"Hey Princess! Whatcha lookin' at?" Pinkie asked.

The princess jumped at the unexpected arrival. "How did you escape?"

"Which time?" Pinkie asked, then her mane stood on end.

A moment later so did Celestia's and that of every other pony in sight. The air seemed to shimmer and shudder as the alien's power filled every corner of Equestria.

"Here it comes," Celestia thought. She'd prepared several speeches. Utter defiance, abject begging, and several gradations in between. Which she'd use would depend on the aliens.

"We are the Borg, we have subtracted your biological and technological distinctiveness from our own. Our culture will adapt to leave yours alone. Resistance was futile."

Author's Note

Today of all days, what did you expect?