Resident Crusader

“Where the heck were ya this entire time, Scootaloo?!” Apple Bloom, despite sounded annoyed, ruined everything by hugging the pegasus with her full strength.

“It’s a crazy story. I don’t even believe it, and I was there for most of it.” Once the initial shock of nearly being killed ran its course, Scootaloo had been bombarded with questions. Sweetie Belle had remained staring oddly into space and barely responded to what was going around her. The adrenaline rush of nearly being killed still flowed through her veins.

Scootaloo had also met Luis once things calmed down considerably. He seemed to be relatively calm about coming into contact with a bunch of technicolor talking ponies. He excused himself and walked out of the small cabin that they were all in.

Finally, Scootaloo felt ready to reveal what had happened. For the next few minutes, she recounted meeting Tara, the invisible bear trap, and her journey to save them. When she had mentioned spotting the Magnum in a small cabin, Leon seemed notably interested in that.

“And the rest is history, as they say. I found you guys, killed that creepy guy, and saved the day. Can we go now? I feel like we were standing around for ages.” Scootaloo wrapped up her story with the patience that was expected of her, which was none.

At that moment, Leon’s phone chirped cheerfully, slightly scaring Sweetie Belle. He grabbed his phone and noticed that it was Hunnigan once again. Leon answered it with, “Sorry I couldn’t get in touch sooner. I was a bit tied up.”

The Crusaders groaned in agony at the pun, but Leon ignored them.

Hunnigan asked, “You’re OK though, right?”

“I’m fine, thanks to Scootaloo. There was a male civilian held hostage with us.”

“Is he fine? What happened to him?”

“Once the enemy was neutralized, he managed to escape. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle got a vigorous workout trying to dodge that mad guy with the really long ax, but they’re fine. I did manage to work out Ashley’s location, though.”

“Don’t keep me waiting, Leon. Where is she?”

“Apparently, she is in a church somewhere.”

“Do you have an exact location of this church? Every little bit helps.”

“I found out that a passage in the village will lead us there, but other than that, I don’t know any specifics, other than some graveyard.

“Well, that part of the mission should be easy now that we know just where she is being kept. But, I am curious over how Scootaloo managed to save you. She normally doesn’t act like that.”

It was silent for a moment. Scootaloo had a faint but quite noticeable twitch. Before she could do anything about it, she was beaten to the punch by Apple Bloom.

“Alright, this has gone on long enough, missy! Ya didn’t act surprised ‘bout us bein’ here. In fact, ya seem ta know quite a bit ‘bout us. Ah will admit, Scootaloo’s behavior is odd, but Equestria in general has a lot of odd happenin’s lately. Ah have been attacked, watched ma friend battle death’s hoof an’ live, an’ narrowly came close ta gettin’ killed myself. Jus’ what the hay is goin’ on, an’ why do ya know so much ‘bout us?”

Apple Bloom panted heavily, everypony (and human) staring at her oddly. Hunnigan was silent for a while. Eventually, she responded to the farm pony’s plea. “You mean you don’t know just who you are?” she said sadly.

Silence again.

Hunnigan elaborated, “I don’t know the potential catastrophe of letting you three know the truth. It is complicated to explain.”

“Try ta explain it, then! This is gettin’ annoyin’, an’ frankly, Ah’ve had a terrible day so far,” Apple Bloom shot back.

Hunnigan sighed. “I don’t want to get into it. It could ruin your entire concept of what is real and what is fake. It will throw your entire world off center and possibly into a crisis. Maybe one day you will know the truth, but for now, you should focus on helping Leon with his mission.”

Leon noticed that Hunnigan had a look of profound sadness on her face as she disconnected the call. He silently pocketed the phone. “Well, that was odd, but we should just ignore this moment and hope it goes away.”

He smiled slightly when Apple Bloom calmed down. The stress of narrowly getting killed was getting to her as he was sure it was to everypony else.

Before they could so much as move, a voice rang through the silence shattering the sense of calm around them all.

“Welcome strangers! How is everyone doing this fine, gloomy day?!”

A man was leaning against the wall near the exit to the room. He had a cloak on and rustling noises of various items within could be heard when he twitched.

Leon moved for his gun. The stranger raised his arm in a gesture of surrender. “I am not your enemy, twitchy stranger!” he assured. “All I am is someone willing to share my stock. My brothers--who look all exactly like me--are merchants and willing to sell weapons to anyone--or anypony--looking for some fun.”

Raising an eyebrow, Leon cautiously asked, “Really? All of them sell stuff to random people in the middle of nowhere?”

Bellowing a laugh, the man responded. “You are correct, stranger! My name is Bob the merchant! I am here to sell you explosives and chain guns.”

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom perked up at the mention of explosives. Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes and edged away from them. Upon noticing this, the merchant’s laughter boomed merrily in the small room, hurting their ears. “Well, the closest thing to explosives that I have are infinite rocket launchers that never run out. But! I am willing to sell you weapons, provided you have the right items.”

“Is it smart to sell such dangerous weapons to children?” Leon countered.

“We are in the middle of hell, my good man! Personally,  I doubt any fanatics would complain. Ponies, humans...what is the difference, really? Just don’t shoot me by mistake, and we will be fine and dandy.”

“Why, what happens if we shoot you?” Leon was amused and wondered where this slightly disturbing conversation would lead.

“Well, I stop selling my merchandise to you, and I become very pissed off. Seeing as how things are a little different this time, I can’t ignore such potential murder and sell stuff to you anyway! My cost range is a little different than normal. If you have five lottery tickets and 200 PTAS, then you get a wonderful item for the duration of your stay. I also throw in five free items of your choice. This includes armor, ammo, and healing items.”

The merchant paused, tilting his head slightly. “If I receive something of incredible value, such as medallions or rare treasure, I will be your friend for life! Additionally, your status is upgraded from client to eternal friends for life. You also get all my weapons, ammo, and my eternal gratitude.”

“What could possibly be worth all that?” Apple Bloom stared skeptically at the merchant.

This was the first time the merchant got a good look at her, and once he did, his eyes bulged wide in their sockets.

“Oh my god, it is the farmer pony! I freakin’ love your sister! She is best pony in my opinion. But you are a close second! I have absolutely no idea why you are here, but this is too good a moment to pass up!” He paused for a quick breath before continuing, “I must have your bow! I always wanted to touch my hands upon its beauty. I could buy it in a store, but nothing comes close to the original. Please, I must have it or my heart will die in sadness, and I will be a sad merchant!”

Everypony (and human) edged away from what could possibly be a deranged lunatic. Embarrassed, the stranger calmed down and began to ramble.

“Sorry about that, humble strangers! I lost control! Give me five lottery tickets and the bow instead.  I will take off the 200 PTAS, and give you all my weapons and ammo. I will even give you that item I mentioned earlier. To have anything from that wonderful place will simply make my day!”

Apple Bloom recovered from her shock a little and stared up at the merchant. “Why should gettin’ ma bow be such a big deal? It’s jus’ a fashion accessory.”

The merchant chuckled a little, finding the situation quite amusing. “Do you realize how big your home world is to people like me?I am sure people will kill to have anything from that wonderful place for themselves. You three ponies are heroes, and a lot of people love you. I am not the first to wish I was born there, nor will I be the last.”

“That makes no sense, mister! How could we be so popular like ya say we are? Equestria has never seen humans, an’ Ah don’t even know why we are so famous. Plus, ma bow is a part o’ who Ah am. Ah jus’ couldn’t part wit’ it so easily.”

“I have dreamed of owning something from Equestria since first.... Well best not get into that right now. Just think about it, will you, Apple Bloom? This isn’t a bad bargain! In fact, it is practically unheard of!”

Leon did a double take at that and just had to ask for more details. “Why do you mean, ‘unheard of’?. I had a relatively normal day, minus meeting ponies and getting caught by a big man in a trench coat.”

“What I mean to say is that things are a bit out of whack here. I am sure you notice that ponies appearing in the real world is a bit odd. I have spoken too long on the subject as it is.” He shook his head. “Just think about it, Apple Bloom. You will be making a fan, really, really happy.”

Apple Bloom wasn’t sure how to take several people knowing about her. On one hoof, most of these people so far were friendly and not trying to kill her. Leon seemed to be in the same boat they were and unaware of any knowledge about them. She would have liked answers, but realized that such things might not be possible for a while.

On the other hoof, he seemed to really want her red bow as a sort of souvenir. Scootaloo seemed to be eyeing the merchant’s coat with interest. The farm filly also noticed that Scootaloo was still carrying the gun in her less-damaged hoof. She seemed unwilling to part with the weapon that had saved them. The pegasus had to admit that carrying something potentially dangerous had a sort of thrill to it.

Applejack always was quick to confiscate anything remotely dangerous back home. Admittedly, like Scootaloo, Apple Bloom had a reckless streak on occasion. Besides, she herself wanted to test out all those weapons for herself and see if anything resonated with her.

Finally, after a long moment of thinking things through, she reached a hoof up to her precious bow and started to untie it. “If it will make ya happy, mister, Ah can see maself partin’ wit’ it after all.” Once she felt it loosen, she pulled, finally releasing it from her head.

The merchant looked ecstatic and could barely contain his joy. She stared up at him. “Here, it probably will be more useful ta ya than me.”

Once the merchant was sure he had a grip on it, gently took it from her outstretched hooves. He laughed a little and danced around happily for a bit. “Thanks, little pony! I will treasure it deeply.” He paused, hesitant. “I suppose you will be wanting weapons and everything.”

Carefully, the possibly deranged lunatic began taking various weapons out of his trench coat. Leon noticed what appeared to be a tommy gun, rocket launcher, and various armor vests among the many items he revealed. Scootaloo’s happily deranged expression seemed on the verge of splitting her face apart.

Finally, the merchant took out what appeared to be a book from his trench coat. He held it in front of him for a few moments before looking at Leon.

“This device is a Monster Dex. It is an encyclopedia of the entire world and will tell you about all the hostiles you meet. I must warn you that he is a bit odd at times and his humor is sometimes questionable. He doesn’t mean it, though, and will prove to be a valuable companion for your adventure.”

Leon hesitated a fraction of a second before taking the Monster Dex from the merchant. Everypony drew breath once he grabbed it, expecting something exciting to happen. Nothing whatsoever did, and Leon felt somehow let down.

The merchant quickly assured, “I know those frowns! Don’t worry, he always likes his little jokes. Just give him a minute and he will activate.” He paused for a bit and then added, “I will treasure your red bow for eternity, young filly. Some knives and added fun stuff are in that pile. Your Monster Dex acts as a storage device enabling you to never lose what you store. Now if you excuse me, I have to depart. May you find what you are looking for.” He waved and ventured out of the cabin just as unexpectedly and quickly as he came.

Scootaloo was practically vibrating with enthusiasm as she stared at all the weapons in front of her. “Ooh, what do we have here!” She giggled as she eyed a frighteningly large knife with several jagged points.

Sweetie Belle was eyeing the pile of weapons and assorted implements of doom like they would reach out and devour her. She was the only one who backed away. “I don’t like those things. They look scary! I think I will just stand over here and wait.”

Leon noticed the unicorn looked rather pale, and several tears threatening to make themselves visible in her eyes.

“Hey Leon, what does this thing do?” Apple Bloom was holding a long, thin rifle in her hooves.

He noticed a scope on one end.  “That is a sniper rifle. It is used to snipe unsuspecting enemies in the head. Primarily used if you don’t want to get friendly with your victims. It is also a lot of fun to use, but it leaves you vulnerable for a bit.”

Scootaloo noticed that Leon sounded a lot like Twilight when she was in “lecture” mode. Apple Bloom grinned, eyeing the weapon like she would a loved one. “Ah always did have good aim. Ah will take this weapon if ya don’t mind.” She didn’t wait for a response anyway, and simply tightened her grip on her weapon of choice like a mother would her foal.

Sweetie noticed that a few armor vests were lying in a pile. She was pleased that no deadly devices were nearby and timidly reached out and grabbed one. Leon, noticing her, smiled and said, “That actually is a good idea, Sweetie. Those vests will definitely protect us. I see that there is enough for all of us, and highly recommend that you all wear one.”

Sweetie didn’t like the look of these vests, but figured that she would be thankful to not get killed if attacked. Scootaloo had her vest on already and hooked several choice weapons to it. Her eyes were wide with delight. Leon noticed that the tommy gun (Leon told her it was called a Chicago Typewriter), her beloved magnum, a Red 9 handgun, and a really large, jagged, and deadly knife were attached to Scootaloo’s vest.

Apple Bloom’s weapons were less deadly looking. She had the rifle, a striker, and mine thrower. She forewent a knife,  deciding to alternate between the mine gun and rifle depending on the situation.

Sweetie had no weapons, flinching away from them if any were offered to her. She didn’t really want to kill anything, even if it tried to kill her first. Not wanting to feel entirely useless, she agreed to carry all the ammo with her. The other weapons would be used if the situation called for it.

Leon didn’t pick any new weapons, preferring to stick with his shotgun and handgun. He also assumed that if he needed any newer weapons, the ponies would be more than accommodating.

There were leftover weapons and Sweetie used the armor pockets to store all the ammo. Finally, Leon stared at the silent Monster Dex in his hand. It hadn’t so much as talked or interacted with anything around it. He wondered idly if he had been ripped off, before realizing that the Merchant had given them all of his weapons and armor.

“So, what does that thing do?” Apple Bloom asked, eyeing Leon and the strange device in his hand.

Shrugging, he responded, “I am still trying to figure it out myself. I wonder if that crazy man ripped us off and gave us a useless device. Still, we got free weapons and items, so it isn’t all bad.”

“Can Ah see it? Maybe it will activate fer a mare’s touch.” Apple Bloom grinned smugly. Leon shrugged and handed it over to her.

She stared at the strange thing in her hooves. It was mostly green, with trace amounts of red. She noticed that flaps opened, giving her a view of a screen similar to Leon’s phone. She admired it for a brief moment, but when nothing happened, she frowned in annoyance.

“Stupid thing is broken! Sweetie see if ya can get it ta activate o’ show signs o’ somethin’.”

Apple Bloom tossed it to the unicorn, who caught it with her hooves. Her magic was flimsy at best and she didn’t want to cause something (or somepony) to explode. Maybe, she reasoned, it could be reasoned with. “Will you please activate for me?” she asked in a placating voice. Still nothing. Sweetie frowned. “Are you shy? We won’t hurt you or anything.”

Still nothing from the inanimate device.

Scootaloo huffed and grabbed it from Sweetie’s grip. “This thing doesn’t want to...”

The device clicked and hummed for the first time since they had received it. Scootaloo yelped in fright as the Monster Dex split open. Six leg-like attachments sprung forth, and a split appeared in the middle of the device forming a “mouth.” Two “eye” attachments opened, and Scootaloo had the nasty suspicion that it was able to “see” her.

“SCANNING..... PONY LIFE-FORMS DETECTED....  EQUESTRIAN LIFE-FORMS DETECTED. STATE YOUR NAME, PONY, OR BE EXTERMINATED.”

Scootaloo blinked in confusion and shock. Once she was able to recover she was able to blurt out the first thing that popped into her head. “What the hell do you mean by exterminated?!”

“YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT DALEKS ARE?”

“Who?”

“OH, YOU SIMPLE, SIMPLE PONY! YOU SAID THE REFERENCE WRONG! ANYWAY, I GUESS THE ROBOT DISGUISE IS KINDA BLOWN, RIGHT?”

Scootaloo winced as an electronic whine pierced the air. She realized that it sounded like laughter.

“I LOVE ACTING LIKE A ROBOT! SO MUCH FUN! SO WHAT’S YOUR NAME, PONY? AND YOUR COMPANIONS, TOO?”

Blinking in shock at being addressed by a machine, she timidly replied, “I am Scootaloo.” Then she perked up. “Lucky you reacted at all. We were going to get rid of your useless device.”

“SOMEHOW, I DOUBT YOU WOULD HAVE FOLLOWED THROUGH WITH THAT, SINCE I WAS INTRODUCED IN THIS WHOLE STORY IN THE FIRST PLACE. YEAH, I WENT AND DID IT! I AM OBVIOUSLY A SUBSTITUTE, SINCE THAT OTHER PONY ISN’T HERE.”

Scootaloo groaned in annoyance as another electronic whine was heard. Just what she needed, vague explanations.  Sweetie, who had been staring at the machine in interest with her Earth Pony companion decided to make herself known. “I am Sweetie Belle. I hope we get to know each other better.”

“YOUR VOICE PRINTS ARE STORED. STILL NEED TWO MORE TO INTRODUCE THEMSELVES. COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.”

“Ah’m Apple Bloom. Ah never thought Ah would ever come across a talkin’ machine. Ya remind me o’ Pinkie Pie fer some reason. Not sure why, though.”

“I ASSUME IT’S BECAUSE OF MY CHARMING PERSONALITY.”

It actually sounded amused.

Apple Bloom shook her head. “Naw, somethin’ else. A feelin’ in the air that Ah’m missin’.”

“OK, YOUR VOICE PRINTS ARE STORED FOR FUTURE REFERENCE. STILL, SCANNERS ARE PICKING UP A STRANGE AND UNIDENTIFIED PERSON STILL NOT INTRODUCING HIMSELF.”

Leon huffed, annoyed. This device acted rather odd. For one thing, it knew where the foals came from. Not many people or machines were able to do that. It refused to activate for anyone except Scootaloo. Could this machine be trusted?

“Leon Kennedy,” was all he designated to respond with. He still felt rather uneasy about all of this.

“BOY, ARE YOU A STICK IN THE MUD, MR. KENNEDY! ANYWAY, YOU FOUR CAN CALL ME JERRY. I KNOW, NOT THE MOST ROBOTIC NAME IN EXISTENCE, BUT FUCK ORIGINALITY! I KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT THIS PLACE. I CAN TELL YOU FUN FACTS ABOUT ALL SORTS OF UNDESIRABLES YOU MAY HAPPEN ACROSS.  WONDERING ABOUT THOSE VILLAGERS A BIT AGO?  WELL, THEY ARE CALLED GANADOS, AND I CAN’T ACTUALLY GO FURTHER INTO THEM BECAUSE THE PLOT STILL CALLS FOR YOU TO FIGURE SHIT OUT ON YOUR OWN. BUT, BOY IS THE AUTHOR PLEASED THAT HE CAN STOP CALLING THEM CRAZIES!”

Scootaloo realized something important at that moment. She didn’t know half of what Jerry (weird name) had spoken, nor what was going on. She learned a very valuable lesson with Pinkie, and that was to not question anything that she said that could be weird. She did, however, ask, “Hang on! How are we going to carry all these extra weapons?”

“AH, AND THERE WE HAVE THE PLOT DEVICE OF WEAPON HANDLING! HAVE NO FEAR, SCOOTALOO. MY STORAGE CAPACITY IS ENDLESS, AND I MEAN THAT LITERALLY. ANYTHING EXTRA YOU ARE CARRYING, I WILL CARRY FOR YOU.”

That made sense, and she found herself nodding in agreement. Leon realized that position of leadership had temporarily been taken away from him. Unsure of how to take this, he decided to just ignore it.

“Wait. How are you going to travel?” Sweetie had spoken up and was staring in concern at Jerry.

“NEVER YOU MIND, MY DEAR. I WILL JUST HITCH A RIDE ON SCOOTALOO. BOY, THAT SOUNDED VULGAR. HOPE NO ONE HAS A DIRTY MIND.”

“Wait, what do you mean by...” Before Scootaloo could question further, Jerry floated over to Scootaloo’s back and the pegasus felt an instance of pain. Jerry had attached himself to Scootaloo’s back, hitching a ride, and acted as a backpack of sorts. She frowned in annoyance, but otherwise said nothing. The pain of the initial encounter had faded. Finally, they were ready to depart this small cabin and head to the next area.