First World Problems
By SneakyKGB
It was a quiet, normal day in the Ponyville Public Library. There were more ponies than usual spread about the interior of the hollowed out tree, perusing their chosen reading materials. Besides the snickers of young colts and fillies reading graphic novels together or the noise of pages turning every so often there was hardly a sound or problem to be had.
As the librarian and sole employee it was up to one Twilight Sparkle to see to the needs of the clientele, be that helping them find a particular book or simply ensuring the reading environment was a pleasant one. On a day such as that day, however, there was scarcely anything to do. The lavender coated alicorn stuck to her own corner, flipping through the latest novel in the Daring Do series, Daring Do and the Glitterpire Curse.
By comparison Spike, her number one assistant, was far more busy. The little purple dragon toddled back and forth with stacks of books, careful not to drop them and disturb the many readers. He pulled old books from the shelves, re-stocked the new ones, and made sure everything was in order. If anything came up he was usually the first to attend to it, and to inform Twilight if matters needed her experience.
Sure enough, right in the middle of a thrilling scene where Daring Do confronted the glitterpire king—Edwin Cloppin, Spike appeared over the top edge of Twilight's book. "Uhem," the baby dragon cleared his throat.
"Yes, Spike?" Twilight whispered.
Spike snapped a salute to the head librarian before relaying his message, "There was a complaint about some noise, I told them you would take care of it."
"Noise?" Twilight asked, looking around, "I haven't heard anything for a few hours now." A sudden thought hit the mare right between the eyes and she bit her lip before asking, "Did I leave the door to the secret genetics lab open again? Celestia would banish me for sure if anypony knew she sanctioned those projects!"
The dragon gave her a patronizing stare. "Twilight... it's a potato battery."
"Ugh, it's not just a potato battery, it's—oh nevermind. What was the complaint about?"
Spike pointed towards the kitchen hallway, "There's a pony playing music really loud in the computer lab, and I mean loud. I couldn't even hear myself asking her to turn it down."
Twilight furrowed her brow in confusion. Something didn't add up. Did Pinkie Pie put him up to this? The alicorn was forced to do a double-take at the hallway, straining her ears and catching only the sweet sound of books and educated little minds. "Spike... we don't have a computer lab. Is this a prank?" If there was one equation she hadn't solved yet in the matrix of friendship, it was pranking.
Unfortunately her assistant looked just as confused as she was. "No? What sort of prank would that be?" Twilight shrugged. The baby dragon continued, "Look, just go down the hall and ask the pony to keep it down? You're the head librarian, she has to listen to you."
"But I'm telling you, Spike, I've never even seen a computer in the libr—oh no, did I leave the door to the PinkSense X400 monitoring station open?"
"No!" the dragon grumbled loudly.
There was nothing else for it, she was going to have to investigate herself. Twilight got up, carefully marked her page with a regulation-size bookmark, and started walking towards the kitchen. Behind her Spike went back to re-shelving books, but she couldn't shake her suspicions. Preparing herself for a bucket of water, or to slip on soap an fly into some Ruby Goldmare contraption to slather her in peanut butter and feathers.
Twilight gently pushed open the door in the side of the hall, wincing one eye as she peeked inside and cast an anti-adhesion spell just in case. There was no way it could have prepared her for what lay inside. The alicorn was thrown back against the opposite wall of the hallway by an immense wall of sound that rocked every fiber of the tree and jarred her every bone. It was a highly synthesized wave of heavy riffs and drum patterns.
Pinned against the wall Twilight saw into a room she had never even entered before. Two dozen desks were crammed into the room, each with a bulky white monitor and CPU atop it, most of which manned by a plethora of ponies typing away on the oversized keyboard ponies required.
Here there was a colt playing Galagoat, the popular 2-D space shooter. Beside him was a school filly watching a cartoon animation of some feline-breakfast pastry hybrid soaring through the air to an irritatingly repetitive song. Both young ponies looked like they should be in school. Besides them there were a number of haggard-looking mares and stallions typing up resumes and essays or browsing social networking sites like Facehoof. There was one, whoever, who stood out among the rest.
Her name was Vinyl Scratch, or better known as DJ-Pon-three—an obvious grammatical and spelling hiccup mean to be DJ-Pony, and one that Twilight had complained about on numerous occasions—the semi-famous disk jockey. She was a bright white unicorn with electric blue hair in a shocking punk styling. Every time Twilight had seen her she was wearing those giant purple oval shades, and this was no exception. Vinyl's head bobbed gently to the cacophony unleashed by her computer, as though it were classical jazz.
Unsticking herself from the wall, Twilight fought the intense pressures of Vinyl's wubs and made her way over to the mare. Clinging to the desk for dear life, she shouted, "EXCUSE ME. VINYL SCRATCH. DO YOU THINK YOU COULD TURN THAT DOWN JUST A BIT? YOU'RE BOTHERING SOME OF THE OTHER PONIES."
Vinyl's shades turned towards Twilight, and the mare's expression turned into a genuine smile. A moment later Twilight was stuck in Vinyl's embrace. "HEY," she roared over her own music, releasing the alicorn, "I MET YOU AT THAT ROYAL WEDDING THING, RIGHT? THAT'S AWESOME. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU DUG JAMS LIKE THESE. I CAN MAKE YOU A MIX-TAPE IF YOU WANT ONE."
"WHAT? THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS ASKING ABOUT. CAN YOU TURN DOWN YOUR MUSIC?"
"DROP IT DOWN?" Vinyl inquired.
Twilight nodded desperately.
"WELL YOU ASKED FOR IT. WE'RE GONNA DROP IT ALL THE WAY."
Somehow that didn't sound like what Twilight was asking for. The DJ made a quick adjustment to the levels on whatever software she was using. Immediately the tunes grew quieter and quieter with a noise like an engine humming to a stop.
"Oh, thank Celestia. Just try and—
Twilight was cut off as the wave of noise struck down became more powerful than she could possibly imagine. The fluctuations in the music intensified and a new layer of electronic noises wove its way into the track. Twilight was doing all she could just to stop herself from being blown back out of the room.
"VINYL. THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT. YOU NEED TO KEEP IT QUIETER, WE'RE IN A LIBRARY."
"WHAT WAS THAT? I KNOW IT'S A LIBRARY, IT'S RAD! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU PONIES HAD A COMPUTER LAB. WHEN MY LAPTOP BROKE I WAS TOTALLY BUMMED OUT. OCTY TOLD ME ABOUT THIS PLACE SO I COULD KEEP MAKING MY MUSIC UNTIL IT GETS REPAIRED. IT'S OFF. THE. HOOK!" to emphasize her words the music's volume flared, as if it was a part of Vinyl Scratch.
"UGH," Twilight groaned. She tried to find the volume switch on the speakers, but it looked like it had been broken off somehow.
In a stroke of genius Twilight let her wings unfold just enough to catch the torrent of soundwaves and carry her out of the room backwards. The young alicorn fought the door to the lab shut again, reducing the noise of Vinyl's music almost entirely. She'd never realized the library's walls were so soundproof. Then again, she'd never realized there was an entire computer lab. It explained the power bill. Suddenly she felt bad about having called the electric company seven times to contest her bill last month.
"I can fix this," the mare told herself.
At a collected canter she made her way from the hall and towards where Spike was ogling a sapphire stuck in the cover of a reference book. "Spike, keep an eye on things for me," she said, "I need to get something from Ponyville really quickly." Without waiting for a reply she snagged her coinpurse, stowed it nowhere in particular, and headed out the door.
Ponyville was its usual self, a small town with not many ponies out and about. Those who did walk the streets usually knew each other, and Twilight received a number of greetings on her way past the shops. She didn't know exactly what she was looking for, but figured a little window shopping would provide the answer.
"Heya Twilight," greeted a slightly hoarse mare.
Twilight twisted about to see who had spoken, but saw nopony looking at her. When all else fails, look upwards. The alicorn did so in time to see the cyan, chromatically maned speed demon, Rainbow Dash, do a loop over her head before coming in for a landing at Twilight's side. The young athlete looked particularly prideful about something, and Twilight had no doubt she was about to find out what.
"Guess what?" asked the pegasus.
"You did something amazing today?" Twilight asked, still craning her neck in shop windows as she maintained her stroll with friend in tow.
"Well, that's a little vague," Rainbow replied, "I'm kinda always doing amazing stuff, but I'll let it slide. Anyways, I think I finally figured out how to get Pinkie Pie back for filling that stunt cannon with pie fillings."
"I thought your fans loved that bit?"
Rainbow scoffed, "Well, yeah, but do you know how hard it is to look cool when you've got half a baked apple pie sizzling on your face?"
Twilight first had to consider how the pie would have landed on her face in the first place. The science didn't add up. She shook her head to clear it, "Sorry Rainbow, I'm kind of busy. Do you have any idea where I could buy a new set of speakers? One of the sets in the computer lab is broken, and we can't turn down the volume."
"You have a computer lab?" Rainbow asked, narrowing one eye. "Why don't you just get a pair of headphones?"
"Headphones?" Twilight asked.
The pegasus nodded, "Yeah, you just plug 'em in and only the pony with them on can hear anything. I don't use computers much, but they're great for listening to music while I cloudbust. 'I try I tryyy, again agaaain, determination!'" Rainbow followed up the brief lyric by digressing into spitting syllables that vaguely resembled instruments.
“That sounds perfect, where can I get those?”
Rainbow ceased her one-mare concert and flew up ahead, “C'mon, I'll take you!”
At the mare's beckoning Twilight unfurled her wings and gave them an experimental flap. Gradually she beat them harder and gained altitude, floating up to join Rainbow Dash in the sky. The pegasus chuckled somewhat as they came level with each other.
“Your takeoffs are still pretty amateur,” said Rainbow, “maybe I need to give you a couple more lessons.”
Twilight cleared her throat, “'H., Hydrogen, atomic weight: 1.00794. Hydrogen is the lightest element and makes up about 90% of the universe. He, Helium, atomic weight: 4.002602. A colorless non-metallic gas which can be used for lighter-than-air balloons, it is the most abundant element in the universe after hydrogen. Li, Lithium is an alkali metal that can be mixed with aluminium and magnesium for light-weight alloys. It has a melting point of 180.54 degrees Celsius. Be, Bryllium is—
“Okay, okay! You're making my brain hurt. How do you even remember all this stuff?” Rainbow Dash began floating away from Twilight, massaging her temple.
Happily, the young scientist floated after her guide. They clipped along over Ponyville, scanning the ground below. It wasn't long before Sugarcube Corner came into sight and a small store behind it which Twilight had never noticed. The sign above the door was a neon picture of a cassette tape inside a tube sock. Rainbow Dash tilted into a dive and plummeted towards the sidewalk, pulling out at the last moment to strut nonchalantly up to the doors at high speed.
“What is this place?” asked Twilight, landing far less impressively beside Rainbow.
“Eh. It's a weird specialty store, but they've got good prices.”
Together they walked inside to see a plethora of racks adorned with large socks in any manner of colors, sorted according to which leg they were for and what ponies. On the opposite side of the store was a wall of gadgetry. Portable CD players and MP3 devices all on one aisle, television sets, toasters, and other small kitchen appliances were laid out on a clearance shelf. A tall mint-green stallion with a blue tie met them at the door.
“Welcome to Socks & Electronics!” he announced, “let me know if I can help you with anything.”
Twilight was beginning to think Ponyville's entrepreneurs were either geniuses, or hopelessly undereducated for their trade. Although those fuzzy blue star-printed socks looked pretty comfy—the tag said they were officially licensed by Princess Luna, and Spike had been complaining about their current toaster blackening their morning toast. Losing focus. Twilight turned away from the wondrous goods on display and looked to Rainbow Dash for further guidance.
The cyan mare already had a pair of bright yellow and orange socks draped over her foreleg and she was busily examining one of the television sets. “Y'know, I kinda wanted one of these. I heard they televise the Wonderbolts shows all the time now. I wouldn't mind catching a few of the recordings after I get off work at the weather crew.”
Faith in ponykind dwindling, Twilight turned and wandered towards the music players on her own. Once there she found the headphones quickly and picked the cheapest pair she could find that advertised 'sound blocking technology' and headed to the front to make her purchase. The salespony from before looked slightly disappointed as she deposited a meager number of bits on the counter. It was mere seconds before Rainbow Dash was at her side again, plopping the yellow-orange socks down on the headphones and beaming brightly at her alicorn friend. Twilight sighed and dropped a few more bits on the counter, much to the salespony's delight.
“Thanks for visiting Socks and Electronics!”
“Now to get back to the library and finish my chapter in peace,” said Twilight.
Rainbow shrugged, “That's cool. If you change your mind though, I'm gonna be at Sugarcube Corner for a while. If I'm gonna get Pinkie Pie back I need to observe my target carefully. I'm thinking something with maple syrup... lots of maple syrup.”
They said their farewells and parted ways, Rainbow Dash's destination just around the corner and Twilight's all the way on the other side of town again. It was an uneventful flight back to the library and she found it much the way she left it, albeit with slightly less ponies. Early evening had come but the library was to be open for a few hours still. Twilight could still dully hear the thumping coming from the computer lab, astoundingly it seemed to have grown even louder.
Twilight crossed to the door and braced herself before opening it. The entire world was drowned out by Vinyl Scratch's phat beats. The alicorn fought her way across the floor, not pausing to return the musically inclined unicorn's friendly wave. Using her magic she shredded the plastic case of the headphones she'd bought. She dove forward, like a mountain climber taking a leap to the next ledge, and plunged the headphone jack into the CPU tower beside Vinyl's leg.
Abruptly the overwhelming sound was reduced to a manageable whisper, contained by the headset she then slipped over Vinyl's ears. The enthusiastic DJ barely even registered the difference and went on bobbing her head. Twilight sighed in relief and turned to leave the computer lab. As she passed Spike the baby dragon looked up and offered her a thumbs up.
“Great job, Twilight,” he said, “uuhh, but I think the pony who was complaining already left. She sounded pretty upset... kept talking about a thesis on 'humans'.”
The alicorn librarian patiently closed her eyes, refusing to admit she'd wasted her efforts. “Oh well, at least the other ponies can hear themselves thinking now. Crisis averted. Can you make a note for me so I remember to get headphones for the other computers?”
“Sure thing, Twilight.” Spike left to do so, leaving Twilight to finally get back to her book.
The young alicorn settled in, nice and cozy on her cushion in the corner. She retrieved her book, carefully removing the bookmark and setting it off to the side as she scanned the page for her precise stopping point. A small smile adorned her lips as she sank into the familiar happy task of reading. It felt great to get back to the story... except something was off now.
Tap tap tap... tap tap... tap... TAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAP!
A chorus of hellish sound. Unending. Constant, and yet pausing just often enough to give Twilight's subconscious mind a glimpse of hope before tearing it back down. It was the sound of a dozen ponies intently pounding away on a keyboard. Beep, bzzzzzzz! Another noise joined the symphony, a clunky printer ejecting papers for some unseen noisemaker. Somepony coughed nearby, then again, hacking loudly for all to hear. The turning of pages went from pleasant background noise to an annoyingly irregular cadence.
Twilight Sparkle sighed and closed her book. She was going to Sugarcube Corner. The library would never be the same again.
