The Nightbook

by Sunset-Chan

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike
Length: 54891

Twilight Sparkle finds herself slowly drifting away from her friends as her OCD grows worse and worse. Trying to find a solution, she finds infantilism for herself. Meanwhile a cold winter approaches, bringing with it the greatest challenge yet.

Twilight Sparkle has always been something of a perfectionist. Sure, she enjoyed making lists of things and kept everything in a neat and tidy order, but that didn’t mean that she had a problem. For most of her life, she didn’t, but sometimes small quirks can evolve into things far worse and suddenly the order has to remain exactly as it is, never changing. Suddenly, Twilight finds herself thrown into unknown territory as she tries to uncover a solution for an illness that ponykind never really bothered with and she has to deal with herself: An Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

She finds herself drifting farther away from her friends and seeks solace and healing in something different, as she discovers infantilism for herself. Not everything goes perfect for her, as the relationships she has built over her time in Ponyville are put to the test and she has to deal with her own issues.

It all starts with a moment alone, a moment without books as she suddenly finds herself on a journey to discover who she is and why she does things her own way. Twilight is intent on not letting the world get to her and between her coming to heads with her friends and learning to deal with both her desires and problems, a cold winter approaches, bringing with it the greatest challenge yet.

Coverart by: fillyscoots42

Published 2013-05-12 20:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-05 20:10:36 UTC

Prologue ~ In Principio

"What?" was the only thing she had managed to say, only barely intoning it enough so it was a clear cut question. The mare stared at the board before her, the writing explicitely spelling out the worst possible thing to happen in this kind of situation.

Train to Ponyville cancelled - Next train in 2 hours.

Twilight took a deep breath and – just to make sure – read the line again.

Next train in 2 hours.

For whatever reason, no matter how hard and long she stared, the letters didn't miraculously change. She was stuck here for two more hours. The lavender unicorn shook her head and turned around to walk to the next best bench she could find and seated herself. A groan escaped Twilight Sparkle the moment she had done just that. Both because of the announcement and because her legs were aching from the day's work. All of her bones seemed to cry out, and for a moment she felt a hundred years too old to do anything at all. Worse yet, now she was facing the most inevitable boredom since she had left Canterlot a year ago.

Twilight Sparkle, personal student of Princess Celestia, bearer of the Element of Magic; she hadn't thought her trip would end up bad nor had it seemed that way until this point. The small town of Maneville had some kind of archaelogical excavation going on she had heard, stuff that dated back into the times before the princesses' arrival. With her interst piqued, she had come here for exactly that. She had spent the better part of the year with her friends in Ponyville and even though she cherished the time, it could get on a pony's nerves to almost always have somepony else fluttering about. She had needed some time away from it all.

Even her own trusted assistant had been going on her nerves recently. Every time she tried to read, Spike would find some way to distract her and if not, somepony else would go and demand her attention, be it her friends or some citizen of Ponyville. This sort of thing came hoof in hoof with living in the town library she guessed, but really, a pony could only take so much.

She had spent an entire day helping with the excavation, mostly digging in the earth or listening to the other ponies arguing the nature of the wall they had found, not that Twilight had ever seen any walls there. The disinterest in her had been a welcome change and only sometimes a pony would walk to her and explain to her the finer points of field archeology.

There had only been dirt, and lots of it too. As she had dug through it, it had made her remember her own foalhood and how few the times counted she had done anything but entertain herself with books. She remembered reading them and before she could do that, she had them read to her. Twilight had always been a – how had her father called it – a smart cookie. Things like these were fondly remembered. Be it the soft embrace of her mother as she walked Twilight through the alphabet or the applause she had gotten as she had recited her first poem. Yes, never did she have the time to play outside back then.

The excavation had given her a wonderful excuse to think about the question why she had been like that. Sure, every other pony there took the excavation seriously, and Twilight wasn't really slacking off, but as she had pushed her shovel into the dirt, the the thought of building a giant sand castle had come as strangely amusing to her. Had she ever bothered with such things when she had been a child? Twilight couldn't remember, and some part of her had told her she didn't want to.

Now, as the day began to grow darker and rain fell heavily on the roofs of Maneville she watched it coming down, wondering how much time had passed since she had seated herself. A minute? Maybe two? Twilight sighed.

There were a total of two clocks in all of Maneville, one was owned by some old coot who had lived by the dig site, the other by the station staff, a mare that Twilight had been made to understand did not like anypony interrupting her when she was doing anything in her small house on the lone platform. Considering the only times she ever moved out of her small house was to write some important thing on the chalk board it was almost impossible to get to talk to her. Strange ponies were almost completely normal for all of Equestria, as it seemed.

No matter. She was still sitting in the same place, boredom growing.

Twilight had originally planned to pack a or two books. She hadn't yet started reading the new Daring Do novel and had found herself drawn to this interesting book she had found: 'Scheduling and Planning – When you need to stop', a rare work by a giraffe who had lived a good hundred years ago. Up until this point the filly only had had little to no involvement with psychological non-fiction and had hoped to get a good glimpse at it by picking out some random book. Sadly, she had gotten someone endlessly going on about the flaws of attempted perfection or something like that.

Luck wasn't with her, as she had forgotten to pack either. Sad it was mainly due to her future plans heavily relying on how well everything here would have worked. Now the next three months were potentially ruined. Twilight grimaced at the thought. Because of her own lenience she now had to face boredom like never before and in the long run her entire life would turn into shambles. For a brief moment she wondered if Celestia would send her back to magic kindergarten for something like misplanning her life.

Twilight hoped not. At least not if the excuse would involve a not-packed book. The thought appeared rather silly to her, and she giggled slightly.

After that her thoughts just drifted around for a while as she went through an imaginary list of books she could've taken with her, up until her mind stopped at the thought that Spike was a baby dragon and she had left him at home alone. Had she told him that there would be no partying or had she forgotten that, too? What if she had not only forgotten that, but also to reinforce any fireproofing spells she had cast on the library and right now the whole place was burning. With. All. Her. Books!

Then Twilight remembered that Spike's fire was magical in nature and the worst that could happen was that he'd accidentally sent some books on a journey to Celestia. She hoped that wouldn't happen, as that would drastically heighten the chances of Celestia sending her back to kindergarten. Not only that, but she already had a new order to stack them in her mind and was intent on pulling through with it. She had no idea how much a fire could damage, but the mare was sure it had great chances of ruining everything.

Well, even if nothing happened, she still needed to collect some of the books borrowed from the library earlier than expected. Playing book collector was now a thing she needed to do and her mental list of things to do grew even taller. That gave way for the decision to write some more lists on what lists to write when she got home. A pony could never have enough planning planned.

Somehow her thoughts then went back to the book titled 'Scheduling and Planning – When you need to stop', which detailled about a certain, fairly unknown, psychological disorder.

The rain tumbled down from the roofs of the houses and even from the one that sheltered her and after a moment Twilight turned her head up, her thoughtful expression making way for a frown as some sort of realisation hit her, a realisation that could not have been true.

"I don't have OCD..."

A moment later she felt herself doubting and asked the nothingness all around: "Right?"

Twilight was gifted with a healthy brain; a brain that thought the most brilliant things, as well a natural curiosity and scientific aptitude only Pinkie Pie had ever managed to defy. She enjoyed looking for questions and answers alike and normally, she also loved to analyse things. Yet, the moments her thoughts drifted to herself the filly felt strangely filled with wroth. Her eyes remained on the ceiling above her and Twilight would have loved nothing more than to have somepony appear and drag her away from the road she was about to go down.

"Making a list of lists of checklists for checklists is completely normal, right?" And a voice in the back of her head answered: No.

Twilight shook her head and turned it, her eyes fixated on the rain, her ears listening for the soft pounding noise it made when it touched the hard surface of the roof above her. It created a vivid drumming noise, one that calmed her mind, one that made her wonder.

It had actually rained on the first day she had ever gotten any kind of mark in school, an A+, although she had completely forgotten on what subject. Was it equestrian? Math? Sports? She remembered her father telling her that she was a bright filly and her mother congratulating her.

As the drumming continued Twilight found a slight smile on her face. That was a good memory, since she found that one the starting point of her always trying to excel at everything. Succeeding had soon come easy to her, at least in most intellectual subjects the unicorn was presented with. Even a pony like Twilight Sparkle couldn't be perfect at everything, sad as it was.

She closed her eyes as she leaned back once more, letting the memory seep through her and her thoughts drift again.

Twilight was gifted, and Twilight remembered.

She had been without friends throughout her school years and it had never bothered her. Well, except for the moments when the others started ignoring her and had called her an egghead. Truth was that Twilight had quickly grown accustomed to it and nowadays the only one calling her that was RD, and Twilight knew it wasn't meant to demean her. However, she remembered and somewhere in the beginning encouraging words from her parents and good marks had been all she had.

The drumming went on, and on, like the most beautiful sound Twilight had ever heard. "I've never thought about that," she said, knowing there was nopony who would answer. She was the only pony taking this train around this time of day and the rest of the town had already gone into their homes. There, they ate and told jokes while out here, Twilight waited and started to think.

Never had she even really bothered with anypony in school, most of her relationships with other students extended to sometimes helping them with their homework and laughing at one joke or the other. She remembered the books she had read, though. She remembered all of them.

One of the first ones she had read had been about Nightmare Moon and the origins of Nightmare Night. She remembered being both scared and enthralled by the words presented within the leatherbound tome. Though the most beautiful thing the filly remembered wasn't the book itself, but a foalsitter and a brother, reenacting scenes from the book for her, scaring the little filly into laughter.

That really was a good memory, if not a bit sad in hindsight. The only ponies she had interacted with in her youth had been her closest family members and two princesses.

Sure, there had been some interaction in school: Lyra had loved reading as much as she did and in the school for talented unicorns there had been some blue unicorn who had been into fantasy novels like you wouldn't believe. They had existed but Twilight Sparkle had always lived in her own world.

Though she remembered, both of those had left her life. Lyra might've been a resident of Ponyville but was either busy with her music or with her wife. And other one had vanished, a long, long time ago. Her thoughts drifted to Trixie for a moment and she gave way to a smile as she wryly told herself: "Hopefully she didn't grow up to be like that.“

The rain answered her with its rythm and Twilight found herself acknowledging the rhythm more and more, letting it fade into the background. All the ponies she had known had either grown up or vanished, all of them except herself.

"I've never had the chance to grow up," she mused. The unicorn was the same bookworm since day one.

For a moment she wondered. Hadn't she seen a set of swings a bit away from here? If so, should she go to them?

There was nothing on the platform she found interesting and the town was so small it was impossible to not hear or see the train approaching when it would.

Twilight Sparkle didn't know what madness grabbed her that made her stand up and walk out into the rain, letting the cold water wash over her coat and mane. It felt refreshing on her sore legs and she couldn't help but finally put a smile on. Her intent had already been to make the best of this day and if the weather itself wouldn't be sunny, then she would in its stead.

Pinkie had said something like that once too, on a particular stormy day with Roseluck exclaiming what horror was happening as her entire booth on the market had been carried away by the wind.

Maneville consisted of about ten buildings that made up the main village, with some farmers living a bit more away and a woodspony residing in her own small cabin in the forest. A village so small wasn't the most exciting place in the world, but at least she had seen a group consisting of both fillies and colts running around the whole day. For them, this place probably wasn't boring.

And a place and time were only as exciting as one made them out to be, so Twilight decided to enjoy the rain after the long and hard work. Digging up shards of ancient cultures was nice – though Twilight preferred to only read about them – but spending some time with oneself afterwards? That was priceless.

Although Twilight had to admit, even for a town this small, a playground consisting of two swings seemed a bit too stingy. Well, their children seemed to have other ways to kill time. She walked up to the swings. The wood seemed sturdy, though the rain had done a number to it. Water had fallen down for the better part of the evening, and as Twilight sat down on one of the swings she couldn't help but wince a bit. Cold and wet as she was, the swing itself felt even colder and wetter.

For a moment, she simply sat there and let the rain wash all over her. She quite enjoyed how it moved through her hair and trickled down her cheeks. Those seemed like things nopony ever seemed to notice and Twilight had a soft spot for details like that. She then put her hooves on the ground and put some weight into them to get the right kickoff. For a moment the world was still and rain was falling on the back of her head as she was looking down on the ground. Easily she figured that the swing was a tad bit too small for her, but then she lifted her hindlegs off the ground and let gravity do the rest of the work for her.

For a moment, rain was splashing against her face and a cold wind was playing with her mane. Her eyes stared at the sky, black and grey it was with countless droplets of water falling from it, falling onto her and past her.

For a moment she remembered Cadance pushing a swingset, back in Canterlot, the sun above them and she remembered laughter. Warmth filled it up, this memory of hers and Twilight let it wash over herself, much like the rain. Cold spilled across her front and back as she drowned herself in the memory. Laughter was all the filly heard and then came another time she kicked her legs into the air and she remembered a pony pushing her. Strong the hooves were and a familiar scent had hung in the air as little Twily had soared up into the air, but she never thought of turning around. Never wanted to. Instead, she just took another swing, something harping at the back of her mind.

She didn't count how many times she swung forth and back but every time she did, she felt a bit of joy coming to her, and something nagging her to do it better, and in a more fun way. For these few moments she was fully content with just herself and yet it all ended as quickly as it came. The bell broke through the constant sound of the falling waters, like a mother calling her child home.

Twilight stopped immediately, looking to from where the train was approaching. She made out lights moving in the darkness. The sun was gone and Luna had taken over completely, ruling the kingdom until dawn would come. This was the natural order, but it didn't make seeing any easier, so Twilight gave her hardest to look whether it truly was the train. No matter how much time had passed, it was still raining and she was thoroughly soaked. Well, it could've been worse. There could have been no train at all and she would've needed to gallop home.

Hopping off the swing, she bid her final farewell to the small town of Mareville, where she had dug for an ancient culture, and hurried to the platform once more, reaching it well before the train had even arrived. An aside glance showed the mare who worked here updating the message on the board and giving her a wonderous look as well. Twilight must've been some sight, her mane dripping into a small river, mud all over her legs, yet the mare only rolled her eyes and didn't bother to inquire further. Maybe she had seen Twilight on the excavation, but who knew. The filly herself couldn't help but notice how she felt both happy and tired. Tired in a good way. This was the kind of feeling that was a lot better than when she had left Ponyville. She had been easily irritable before, but now that she had gotten her head clean the filly was sure that everything was going to be fine.

The train arrived and Twilight hopped on a wagon, seating herself on one of the benches within. Now came the journey south and she stretched her legs, feeling incredibly drowsy. She leaned against the window as the train started to move again and she felt the cold glass against her cheek, thinking about how this had been quite the exciting day.

Then her eyes widened as she remembered something else.

She had never been on any swings in Canterlot.

I. Lady Labyrinth

Definitely coconuts. Those would've really tied the room together, she thought. With the way the quills and the scrolls were laid out before her on the otherwise blank, wooden table it would've improved the Karma of this room, if that was the proper appellation. Three coconuts were all she would've needed. One on the most upper shelf right to her, one in the cupboard to her right and one above the door, because she was feeling very mischievous today. Still, there was a schedule to keep. She concentrated on one quill and a purple aura began to surround it, lifting it up into the air. She levitated it across the table and then dipped it into the ink, all while her thoughts drifted through a dictionary that only existed in her head. She let some of the dark blue liquid drip back into its pod before she let the feather glide over the paper.

It touched the paper softly, going in lines and curves, meant to be smooth and fine but were raw and misshapen. Twilight stopped after the second word, looking over the word again. "Dean Princess," she intoned, a frown forming on her face. The line of the r had been too long, Twilight couldn't help but grumble. Writing with hoof or magic had never been her strength. And she couldn't ask Spike, considering how he was helping Rarity over the weekend. She took the paper, rolled into a perfect ball, before laying it carefully into the bin, taking another, unfolding it carefully and spreading it before her with a perfect angle. At this rate it was going to be a long night and sadly, her faithful assistant had been freed from his duties for the day. Something about helping Rarity with digging up gems. As always, he was more faithful to food than to anything else.

At least this wasn't some important letter, just some minor scientific question that Twilight wanted to ask about certain historical events surrounding the dig site at Maneville. The ruins were hopefully not older than the princesses so they surely had to know what was up with them and the night was still young.

With a smile she looked outside the window, the sun smiling at her.

A moment passed.

"What?" she asked in the smallest of voices.

Another moment passed.

"What?", she spoke in a voice louder than before, slowly turning away from the table. She couldn't have spent the entire night on writing letters.

Her eyes turned to the ground as she stepped onto something. The ground was covered in papers and the bin she had thought to be empty was already full, leaving many messed up scrolls spread across the room. Twilight managed to do nothing but groan but let it rest for now. If she’d worked through the night, that meant she needed to start the day without the scheduled four hours of sleep.

She was pretty sure that that wouldn’t prove to be that much of a problem, considering how sleep was a waste of time anyhow. With a grin she turned back to her letter, picking up what she thought to be the pen and trying to get the first word on paper. However, instead of the feather, she had picked up the ink and in one swift motion spilled it over the paper. She realized the mistake the instant the liquid spilled in a humongous blot and barely avoided a table-encompassing disaster by lifting the ink up immediately. Then came a moment which she spent staring at the mess and felt inclined to do something about it.

“Spike!”

Yelling that had been her first instinct but as no answer came all she could do was facehoof. He wasn’t there, so she had to do it on her own. Easy enough, she thought and dropped the soaked paper in the bin, getting the kitchen roll to right what was wrong.

She came back with the roll and immediately tore one paper off, somehow managing to screw even such a simple task up and ripping it a bit. A frown formed on Twilight’s face. Normally, she wasn’t one to care about something like this but right now it was as if the universe just wanted to spite her. Being as aggressive as one could be against the non-entity called ‘universe’ she threw the towel away and ripped another from the roll, this one looking like a perfect square. She spent the next two minutes folding it properly and then wiped the table with it. The process was repeated until the wooden piece of furniture sparkled cleanly.

Twilight found that most of her ink was gone now and she also was out of paper to write on. With that, this had been the most counterproductive night she’d had since last week, where something similar had happened. She thought the coincidence a bit amusing but quickly moved on to the next bit on her agenda. Getting her checklists for the day from her checklist cabinet and adding to get new quills from Sofas & Quills. She was the closest thing to a core customer the shop had and that was also something she was proud of. Oh, the sweet discounts she got.

She took out the first of her scrolls and quickly moved to add the items to her list. She finished as quickly as she was able and as she left the house it was already noon. Her stomach was grumbling and so was she, considering her schedule was messed up in the worst way possible and she was happy to note that she hadn’t added a morning shower to her to-do list today. So she couldn’t be far too late.

Her day started with her walking to the only restaurant in Ponyville where she got herself a sandwich to eat and some coffee to help her stay awake, as she felt her body growing more and more aware of its lack of sleep. Sadly, the drink ruined the taste of the flowers in her mouth, making her fast more of a chore than she’d liked. Still, she ate it up, drinking in specific intervals, chewing an exact number of bites and setting the cup down in a perfect angle to the plate.

After she finished, Twilight looked at the plate again. There was not a single scrap of food left and the clock struck that half and hour had passed. For one sandwich and a coffee. She had spent most of the time laying out everything neatly after every single bite. Her mouth twitched.

I’m getting worse, she thought. She had always gotten easily agitated or nervous, scared of failure and the like. A character trait that had made her fearful of every single possible mistake she could make in front of her mentor, she remembered. In her time in Canterlot she had spent as much time as possible for her studies, not to impress Celestia but to not make her angry. It was a trait she’d always wanted to let go off, but as she had tried to, a long, long time ago, it had come harder than she had anticipated.

She paid for the meal without further analysis of the matter. She had a schedule to keep and time to think about her growing dislike for mistakes could wait for later. Now, the next thing on her timetable was. . .

The pony shook her head, told herself off and, with everything that had happened this morning, the schedule could screw itself for once. One could almost call it a decisive motion that she went and took a very spontaneous walk in a random direction.

Ponyville was well-alive during this fine day. The flower trio tried to outbid each other on the market, with Carrot Top quietly wasting away at her booth, her eyes transfixed on the sky. On her way to nowhere particular, Twilight even spotted the local mailpony, carrying far too many packages on his back and visibly struggling with each step. Lyra Heartstrings was for once not busy plucking her harp. Instead the aquamarine unicorn had seated herself on a bench and enjoyed a milkshake, while some stallion sitting by her side – probably a tourist – was showing her a fotoalbum and yapping on about the awesomeness of this place and that place. Twilight even spotted Rarity and Spike galloping past her, but neither seemed to notice her, even though she lifted her hoof to greet them. Twilight frowned at that, but let them be. It was probably something important they were doing.

Her way lead her through the town and then out of it, down the dusty path to Sweet Apple Acres. It was one of the most used trails in the area, as the acres were one of the nicest spots for everypony. There was some nice scenery there and watching the sunset from any of the hills was something most ponyvillian couples did at least once, or so Twilight had heard. That and there was something else that drew quite a few ponies close.

The smell of apples filled her nose, a sweet smell, coupled with the sight of the many, many apple trees, whose fruits were all ripe for the harvest. As she drew closer to the fence that warded the Apple family’s land from the rest of the world, she thought that Applejack would soon be really busy. Maybe I could find some time off to help, Twilight thought, resolving herself. Work was a good way to get her mind off her own faults.

She found Applejack sitting by the fence, half asleep with two baskets by her side. She took her afternoon rest not as seriously as other ponies, Twilight knew and there were only so many times she even took one. Some ponies took their work as their life and could barely exist outside, although Twilight had never quite gauged if Applejack counted herself among this kind. Sure, she would often work hard on the farm but she was helping other ponies out just as much. A week prior, the orange earth pony had aided Bon Bon when her roof had been in need of a good fixing, the rainwater falling right through it and atop her head when she’d tried to sleep during more grimy weather. So, yeah, she existed outside the apple farm, too.

Really, seeing Applejack like this, just lazing about, that felt weird. Twilight Sparkle walked up to the fence and leaned on it, although she said nothing.

The late summer heat came down on her, so she was glad that the trees' shadows offered her at least some chance to cool down. That and after the long walk she could feel the hurt of her hooves. Still, Twilight found herself relaxing somewhat and just enjoyed the windless air for a moment or two. Applejack didn’t even seem to notice her at first, her eyes were half-open and stared emptily into the distance. It took her a few moments, maybe minutes until she tilted her head a bit in Twilight’s general direction and lifted her hat a bit. Twilight looked at her.

“Hey, Applejack,” the unicorn said and gave her best smile.

“Hi, Twi. . . you look horrible," Applejack responded in a groggy tone of voice.

Yep, Twilight thought instantly, definitely the Element of Honesty.

“Just had a small slip up tonight. Letters are always so hard to write.”

“Are they?”, Applejack asked, sounding like she was sleep-talking.

“Well, you know, the lines are pretty hard to get down correctly and-”

“Twi, the lines aren’t really that important. As long as you can read the letters it’s just fine.”

A simple attitude from a simple mare, Twilight knew and it was something she really adored Applejack for, but whether this statement was true she didn’t know. “I think it’s important,” she said. “Getting every piece right, getting every line right. There’s beauty in that, you know?”

“Twi, as your friend I feel inclined to tell you something. You’ve been getting worse and worse over the last few weeks. Remember the last time we were at Sugarcube Corner and you somehow thought that Pinkie had a few sprinkles on her milkshake too few?”

That had been a mess, Twilight knew but kept her face straight. “They were less than I had.”

“How about that draft you presented the mayor for the next winter wrap-up.”

She had optimized the teams, made sub-teams, check-up teams for those and check-up teams for the check-up teams together with notary teams that would document everything. Maybe she’d gone a bit overboard, her friends had told her so before.

Twilight sighed, “What are you getting at?” She knew the answer already, though.

“You never kick back, Twi,” said Applejack, looking at her acres again. “You take everything serious, that’s something everypony admires, I know, but you never rest.”

“I do rest.”

“That so?” AJ seemed skeptical. “What’re you doing in your free time then?”

“I read books and plan out my schedules.”

“Is that it? No wonder you get no sleep. A pony can’t work every single day, Twi. We all need to lean back and take a nap sometime. Taking a step back and just looking at your work, maybe, or... I dunno.” Applejack sighed and Twilight noted how she seemed to think about her own words.

“It’s not so easy, you know,” Twilight blurted out. “Ever since before I went to the dig I’ve been uneasy about everything here, all this social stuff, the responsibilities. I mean, I like it, organizing the Winter Wrap-Up and all, but I’ve never fielded anything as big as that before. I do things my way, as perfectly as possible, AJ, I always did. It just takes a lot longer with all these big things to do.”

"And the quality of the work starts to suffers, too?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Twilight was open with Applejack. A pony could be open to her friends, she knew and the orange earth pony with the cowpony hat was one of the easiest ponies to talk to, because honesty was basically her virtue. She never lied, she never talked behind other ponies’ backs and sometimes she even said just about the right thing.

“You really should try letting go of it all, that’s all I can say, Twi.”

There was a pause, then. Twilight didn’t really know, after all, whether she could truly appreciate life lessons from another pony, a bit of pride bristling inside her. Still, she decided to ask: “And how do you think I could do that? I mean, I relax when I read and I include fun times on all my schedules.”

Applejack sighed. “I mean: Letting go. Try to free yourself from your schedules, do something impulsive.”

Like when I came here? The question came easy to Twilight but she didn’t ask it, instead she tried to put on her best smile. “Well, maybe I’ll try one of these days.”

Applejack returned it, slowly lifting herself from the ground. “You do that,” she told Twilight. “I’ll have to get back to work now. Winter’s coming soon enough and I want to get the harvest in before the Running of the Leaves next week. I guess I’ll see ya 'round.”

“Yeah,” was Twilight’s answer as AJ took her baskets and left her by the fence to ponder by herself. The talk had been a short one, but good, even though she had no idea how to ‘let it go’. Twilight decided not to worry and headed back to Ponyville, getting back to her schedule and running her errands.

She went to the market to get some food and bottles of water for drink. Not only that, she found some young mare handing out pamphlets for some newfound service, dubbed the Canterlot Mail Order Service, which was a nice thing. After getting some quills from Sofas & Quills she decided to go home.

Later that night, with Spike having returned and she laying beneath soft covers, Twilight was still thinking. Letting go, Applejack had said, letting leave of control. But how did a pony let go? That was the question, or at least one of them. Why a pony would do something like letting go of her responsibilities was another. Twilight liked having control over her life, she saw it like she was controlling the weather, with white, grey and black clouds as well as sunny skies and starry nights. All she could do was to control the clouds as well as she could. What would happen if she'd ever let go of the clouds, even for but one moment? Everytime that question came to her she could do nothing but shudder. How was she supposed to find joy in that?

She thought about the swings once more, how she’d always read books and somehow still tried to find a moment to have some fun on her own. Far too late though, since there had never been any swings for her in Canterlot. It felt like a bit of childhood coming to her, not a childhood she had never been given, not a childhood she had wanted when she had been a child. Maybe something she longed for now?

Twilight thought about that and as the night approached its end she was still awake with her thoughts. The unicorn came to the conclusion that maybe she should try something out. It was a queer idea, driven by a single thought and she didn’t want to throw herself into the cold water. So, before the sun reached the horizon, Twilight was up again, by her table with quill and paper, trying to write as carefully as possible. Not the letter from yesterday, though.

Therapy was something that took time, something that was best documented and if she wanted to get out of this hellhole of never ending thoughts and perfectly arranged plates, then she had to do a bit of therapy for herself. She had no idea where she would end up with this however and so Twilight concentrated on one quill and a purple aura began to surround it, lifting it up into the air. She levitated it across the table and then dipped it into the ink, all while her thoughts drifted through a dictionary that only existed in her head. She let some of the dark blue liquid drip back into its pod before she let the feather glide over the paper.

It touched the paper softly, going in lines and curves, meant to be smooth and fine but ending up raw and misshapen. Twilight stopped after the second word, looking over the title again.

The Nightbook

That suited her well and as the morning started, she was already thinking about what to do exactly.

II. Nightbook

With the Running of the Leaves being the talk of the town, Spike constantly running off with Rarity, because of some important business the two were conducting and her own thoughts entwining themselves into a maddening spiral, Twilight had found a sudden craving for strawberry cheesecake. A craving she had fulfilled by getting together with Fluttershy at Sugarcube Corner, where they could simply talk about stuff. It was a nice get together, Twilight had to admit, although her main occupation since sitting down had been to get the napkin properly folded.

“Are you doing well?”, she heard Fluttershy ask, getting her out of her paper-related trance.

“I-I’m doing fine,” she stuttered. Twilight hated it to have her concentration broken just like that. “Although I heard you had some trouble with Angel?”

“Oh. . . that,” Fluttershy said, her eyes drifting away, “he was faking an illness so that he wouldn’t need to do the chores he was assigned to in the house. It’s okay though,” she quickly added. “I have a lot of free time on my hooves anyway and I like caring for the animals, too, so it’s all really okay. . . ” Her voice was only growing smaller and she tried to avoid Twilight’s frowning gaze as good as she could.

“Have you ever thought about taking lessons in assertiveness? I mean, it could only help,” the purple unicorn offered.

“Oh, I couldn’t. . . I mean, I’m quite happy with things as they are and despite, who knows where assertiveness could end. I’ve seen enough bullies and meanies, not that they turned out all that bad – I’m enjoying a penmanship with one from my days in flight school and he’s nice.”

There was a pause.

“Was that sentence going anywhere?”, Twilight asked.

“What sentence?”

Twilight sighed, “Forget it, wasn’t important anyhow.”

Her yellow friend’s eyes went down once more, watching as Twilight shuffled the paper around. There was yet another quiet moment between the two. The pegasus used the chance to munch on her own cake while Twilight used these moments of perfecting the layout of the kitchenware to think about Fluttershy’s stance, or rather Angel Bunny’s, since that was the one she hardly ever contemplated. The little rabbit had to be about the moodiest critter Twilight knew about. Yet he seemed to stay completely faithful to his yellow caretaker, even if it was in his own twisted way.

Caretaker. There was a word and the thoughts of swings came back with it. The ones that had haunted her for quite a while now.

“How did you spend your time as a filly?”, she found herself asking and immediately wanted to hit herself over the head for it.

Fluttershy just stared at her for a moment, the expression blank. “What do you mean?” The question carried more curiosity than anything. Something Twilight had to share, because she didn’t even know why she had suddenly asked that.

She had to think, and she had to think fast. “Well, it’s just that,” COME ON!, “I’ve spent my entire life in the same way. You know, with books. My parents even got me a foalsitter just so I would go out – At least that was part the reason. Until I met you ponies I never even thought about socializing, playing and all that other stuff. I mean, I just-” She grumbled at her own awkwardness. “I spent my fillyhood reading things and never bothered much with anything else, so I’m simply interested in the ways others had fun.” She felt inclined to believe that explanation herself.

Fluttershy’s look said it all, growing from wondering to bemused to, was it pitying? Probably, but Twilight had already expected a reaction like this, so she carried it with the same grace as Princess Celestia would. Meaning that she tried to fold her napkin as perfectly and regally as possible.

“Well,” Fluttershy started, “I used to live in Cloudsdale so I guess that most of my life I spent close to the clouds. I don’t just mean walking on them though, but more like,” she thought for a moment, before a soft smile appeared on her face. “It was like a snowy day that never ended and could get really warm without the snow dispersing. I remember that shaping clouds was our equivalent of building snowponies. Most of the clouds shaped like actual things, flowers, animals and ponies, they’re done by pegasus fillies. I remember making quite a few of them, although Rainbow Dash took a strange delight in flying through them. She always loved the feeling of flying through clouds.”

Twilight couldn’t help but giggle, both at the thought of a tiny Rainbow Dash and the way Fluttershy sounded like a really old mare, reminiscing about the good old days.

“Aside from that, well. . . The others used to play Wonderbolts – not me though, since I was somewhat bad at flying. Now that I think about it, most of the time I didn’t even really do much with anypony besides Rainbow Dash. I actually remember when we tried out her mother’s makeup set. . . Oh,” she suddenly yelled out, “I wasn’t supposed to say that. Oh, could you forget I said anything, just, if it isn’t too much trouble.”

Twilight laughed by then, although unintentional, she had learned something new about Rainbow Dash. It took quite the effort to regain her composure, but she did so as quickly as possible. “It’s fine, Fluttershy. Everypony has some stories like that." Probably even I, she added in thought, but left it there. She finally got the piece of paper right napkin the way she wanted it and was finally able to relax. Finally, she could eat her cake.

Fluttershy gave her but a worried look, "Are you really fine?"

For a moment Twilight looked at her, then at the napkin, then back to Fluttershy again. "You mean because of this?" The pegasus responded with a hesitant nod. "Don't worry about it, Fluttershy. It's not really bad."

"Oh, but, you see, the thing is. . . When we entered you, kinda, you know. . . Left and re-entered again. . . thrice."

"I needed to get it perfect," Twilight said defensively.

"Twilight, I'm sorry, but you're getting worse. I don't think that you trying to do everything perfect is healthy. I mean, not to intrude or anything. . ."

The purple unicorn smiled at that wording and wanted to reply for a second, her eyes moving over the piece of paper again. A few weeks had gone by since she had had her talk with Applejack and her decision to put down something on paper in the hopes that it would help her to let go.

"I've always been neat about everything," she then said decidedly and went on cutting perfect little slices from her cake and putting them into her mouth in the most perfect way she could find, sometimes hesitating and fixing the angle from which she moved the fork in. Fluttershy just ate her own and the silence between them almost drowned out the sound around them. Other ponies were chatting about but all the yellow pony could do was focus on her friend, her purple friend with dark rings beneath her eyes and a mane that told that it hadn't been properly washed in quite a while. She knew how Twilight was about scheduling everything, that something she had always done. Only, over the past few months the unicorn hadn't always been able to keep up with her own plans and things she had deemed low in priority had gotten less and less attention. It wasn't like she had completely abandoned proper hygiene. However, she seemed to have abandoned almost all the healthy aspects of her life.

The silence almost killed her and the way Twilight tried to measure the remaining cake so she could get the right percentage of it on her fork was actually really annoying, too. She felt half-inclined to just take the fork and shove some of the sweet stuff in Twilight's mouth, but that would never have been healthy for their relationship.

"Have you ever tried to not think about things?", Fluttershy asked after a while.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, how often do you just lean back? How often do you just relax and do nothing?"

Twilight frowned, going through her memories. "I doubt I ever did that. Don't get me wrong, I still get enough sleep so that I don't fall dead but otherwise I spend my time purposefully."

With 'purposefully' she meant 'working', Fluttershy knew. "Have you never even tried?", she asked, although she tried to make the question sound as small as possible, "I mean, if me asking isn't a bother."

Twilight smiled. "You're not a bother, really. And. . . maybe, well, yes. It wasn't for me though. I tried just sitting on my couch once, it didn't feel satisfying until I got myself the local copy of 'The Thousand Stars' by Cometlight, which is a wonderful book by the way. I think I also made my scheduling on my bed once." Twilight was still busy measuring her cake, but once she finished talking she cut herself another piece and almost made a show out of getting said piece into her mouth.

Another pause came, before Twilight's eyes lightened up. "Ah, yes. . . There was that one time when I was at the dig-site in Maneville," Now Fluttershy was just expecting another rant about the wonders of history, but still nodded understandingly. "The train was kinda late and, so I went to the town's playground and tried the swings out."

Fluttershy hadn't expected it to go in that direction, although it wasn't too unusual. At least for her. Twilight was uncomfortable talking about it, the thoughts she had that day still lingering in the back of her head.

"AJ told me to just let go, I don't know how to do that but. . . I spent almost two hours on that thing," the unicorn admitted.

Fluttershy didn't know what to say, she wasn't the best pony to give moral support, she knew, but still, she could try. "If you never got to try to play with these I can see how that could attract your attention."

Twilight didn't really react, again using her fork as a measuring tape and Fluttershy did her best to hide her annoyance at that, even though that got harder by the moment. A few more seconds passed before suddenly, the magic that held the lavender unicorn's fork up in the air waned and the cutlery fell down on the plate. Fluttershy immediately looked up and saw something in Twilight's eyes. Those big, tired purple eyes seemed to glisten as the revelation sunk deeper and deeper into the purple pony's being. Then she jumped up, slamming her hooves down on the table. "That's it!"

The sudden shout startled Fluttershy and only a moment later Twilight's gaze shifted to look around, seeing how everypony else stared at her in bewilderment. Twilight slowly retreated back into a seated position, making herself as small as possible, her face reddening. Still, she gave a Fluttershy a curious smile. "Thank you," she then said in a most enchanted voice; and the yellow pegasus had no idea why.

As Twilight found herself back in the library Spike wasn't there yet. She was curious, of course, but figured he was with Rarity again. Maybe that was for the better. Or maybe not, considering how he might've given her valuable input into the matter she wanted to research. Well, if that wasn't available, then she had at least something else.

The library of ponyville was, if not anything, full of surprises. Like anything in this town one would always be surprised by what could be found with a bit of studying. There were magical tomes casually stored in here – books that one wouldn't even dream of finding in the royal library in Canterlot, and Twilight was sure that there was a book for almost any occasion in here, at least she had yet to be let down by her hoard.

Where to begin, though? She stood before one shelf, looking over the books and before she knew it she was already juggling three tomes about the profound knowledge of raising 'the little ponies', as they were gracefully called.

Fluttershy hadn't ended the senseless cavity that her mind had created, a hole absorbing most of her time and thoughts but instead given her some much needed direction that would hopefully lead out of it all. As she hovered one book into an optimal position to read, she started only skimming the lines, not really knowing what to look for and not really finding what she wanted to know. What did she want to know anyway?

Twilight must've spent hours like that, going over pages, reading only so little, trying to figure something out. When she was done with some books she would put them to the side as neatly as possible, before she tried to get some new ones. For the first time, her library disappointed her.

However, Twilight Sparkle wasn't a pony to give up after some small defeat and instead made use of an acquaintance in Canterlot, the chief librarian and wrote a letter, which took her well into the night and even then she wasn't half finished. Instead, she wrote and wrote and the letters just never wanted to take the shape she wanted. The pony grew more and more adamant with each failure though, and it all ended with her tearing the used scroll apart in a fit of rage.

That was, when Spike opened the door and cheered, "Hey, Twilight. You would've never guessed-". He broke up the moment he saw her in front of her desk, books around her, still tearing the paper into neat little squares. "What's going on?", he asked completely deadpan.

Twilight turned around to him, tears in her eyes and a bitter smile on her face. The smile turned into a laugh, a sad, harsh laughter that rang through the library. "I'm getting worse," she then said, her voice small.

Spike himself was covered in dirt all over, but whatever had happened to him on this day had been forgotten the moment he saw Twilight's face. "You know, if you need to write something all you need to do is wait for me, Twilight. Your handwriting always makes everypony cringe anyways, so," he walked towards her and simply took the quill that still floated in the air, lifted up with a spell, "you may dictate."

Twilight, behind her tears, found a genuine smile and then started to do just that. Spike had become more and more useful as she drowned in her perfectionism, even though she had to correct quite a lot of the things the dragon did, like cleaning every spot in a room, or sorting out books. Still, he got things done with a timing she could only dream of nowadays and was probably the main reason why she hadn't collapsed until now. Best of all, he didn't even batted an eye about the letter. Well, maybe he did, but Twilight wasn't really looking at him this time, instead gazing at the remnants of her self-written letter.

The stars were hidden mostly by clouds this night and only rays of moonlight managed to pierce through some holes. Not that it mattered, since once the letter was finished they'd soon go to sleep anyway. Spike decided to take a shower, then so did Twilight, while he prepared their supper. He always did that nowadays, because she had so much other stuff to do.

They sat at the small round table in the kitchen, he with a bowl full of gems while she had a sandwich with flowers and hay on her plate, with juice and three bowls of different salads on the table. It wasn't so common that they had supper together. Twilight liked her late-night reading too much for it and around this time Spike was already fast asleep. Not today, as he grabbed a spoonful of gems, only to let them fall back in the bowl again.

"So. . . ", they both started, but each stopped immediately, knowing full well that this was an easy courtesy, letting the other start first.

"So," Spike started a second later and a smile formed on Twilight's face. So much for courtesy, she thought. "Apparently there's a whole diamond dog city nearby," the dragon said, a sly grin on his face. Twilight's puzzled look only helped his mood. "Yeah, me and Rarity have been on their tails for quite a while. There's a lot of gem deposits disappearing around Ponyville and so she decided to take me and investigate. We had an encounter with them and totally wiped the floor with them."

"Uh-huh," was the only answer Twilight could bring up to that explanation, not quite believing it. "Only one problem Spike: diamond dogs live in close knitted tribes. They don't have cities," she said, recalling all the books she read on the subject matter.

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, these ones apparently have one," he said but immediately changed the topic thereafter: "Anyway, what's it with you and raising kids?"

"What?"

"You know, the books? I don't think you need to worry about me, I'm almost an adult now," he said, before finally deciding to dig in, grabbing a clawful of gems and stuffing them in his mouth.

Normally, she would've used that action to argue, but she didn't feel like arguing right now. "I've just been thinking. AJ told me that I should 'let go' and I think I might have a clue as to how to do it."

"Steal children?"

Twilight blinked. "What? No! Celestia, no! Why would you even think that?"

Spike shrugged, "Spur of the moment."

The pony sighed, taking a bite of her sandwich, again, as neatly as possible. "I don't know what I'm looking for. I think that, maybe," she didn't quite know what to say, "I think the one time I let go of everything was in Maneville, with the swings I told you about."

"Yeah, that sounded neat, swings, rain. I remember Celestia yelling at me for doing that in Canterlot," Spike remembered.

"That was a thunderstorm, Spike and a lightning flash just hit you."

"It was still fun."

She rolled her eyes.

"Anyway, what's that got to do with children?"

"I don't know. Really, I'm not even sure what I'm looking for in these books. Aside from the fact that most of the stuff children seem to care about are things I never indulged in."

Spike looked at her curiously, "You mean playing? Yeah, you're right on that. I never got how Cadance put up with you."

She frowned, or tried to. She appreciated his bluntness sometimes, this time particularly. "I feel inclined to agree."

"Yeah, that doesn't undo all the boredom I had to go through thanks to you," he answered wryly.

Twilight sighed and playfully said: "I'm sorry Spike, because I never played with you, you might never hit your growth spurt now."

He grumbled. "It'll come soon enough."

Hopefully not too soon, she added in thoughts, memories of the grown dragons they had encountered resurfacing.

She took another bite, careful as to not go beyond the 5%. Spike looked at her. "If you feel like getting into childish stuff, how about you start small," he said, putting the gems to the side.

"Start small? What do you mean with that?"

The pulled a salad bowl closer to him. "Well, you know, some chaos would be nice. Maybe that would be just the thing to get you off and since I'm here."

"What are you talking abou-"

"FOOD FIGHT!"

The shout came suddenly and a split-second later salad landed in Twilight's face, the dressing leaving a sour smell in her nose. "Spike, I don't," she began but another clawful flew straight across the room and hit her. She wanted to start scolding but suddenly she had some pieces of cucumbers and carrots in her mane.

"That's it!"

It wasn't the most creative battlecry, but Twilight had known worse. So she levitated the last bowl towards her and started throwing salad herself, Spike playfully dodging one salvo, just to get hit with another. What followed then was utter chaos, as the two tried to evade each other's attacks, leaving the kitchen an utter mess, with them laughing and trying to corner each other. So they managed to go on for a minute, before they somehow ended up sitting by each others side, leaning against the kitchen wall and examining the aftermath. Dressing was dripping off the drawers, while leaves were scattered across the floor, much like the gems. Spike had managed to avoid them in his maneuvering, but Twilight hadn't.

The mare looked at it with a tired smile. "I didn't even want to do a food fight."

It was a smile Spike replied. "Yeah, but sadly for you, I know how to get you to do stuff you think you don't want to, but deep down you do."

"How does that work?"

"The dark side is full of mysteries," he answered, grinning, "Nah, just kidding. Cadence told me how much work it was to get you to play a game."

"Well. . . this game cost us the kitchen."

"No problem, considering how you lost you have to clean it."

"Nu-uh. I definitely didn't lose. It was a tie."

"Can't you stop being reasonable for once?" he asked, looking at her almost accusing. A second later he gagged and a pour of green flame escaped his mouth and into the air, a huge book plopping up and falling into the claws he immediately stretched out so it wouldn't fall onto his face.

"I didn't know they had those on speedmail," Spike said, looking at it. "Although it's probably not the kind of book you were looking for."

Twilight had only roughly looked at him, still focused on the small battle she and Spike had just had. She was a bit tired but she knew this had been fun. Somehow, though the cleaning wouldn't be. She turned her head and looked at the book.

"How to take care of your foal," she read the title out loud. "Why do I feel like the librarian mistook the letter's meaning for something else entirely?"

Spike laughed at that but still, Twilight levitated the book out of his tiny claws and opened it on a random page.

"Chapter 3: Feeding, how to do it right," she read again.

"Probably not the way we did it," Spike mused and they looked at the kitchen again.

Then they broke out in laughter, a lively laughter Twilight hadn't known for weeks, if not months. Spike could manage to bring out parts in her she didn't even know existed. That was a good thing, though, as she found herself turning the pages. Once more, the gears in her head started to turn.

After a few seconds of silence Spike said, "Don't tell me you found something interesting in there?"

"Well, Fluttershy said that I might develop an interest in things I never had," she stated matter of factly and Spike looked at the page she was on now, showing a variety of baby bottles.

"You never had bottles?", he asked in disbelief.

Twilight leaned back, her head hitting the wall. "That's not what I meant Spike. Look." She turned the pages back to the very first page, which she showed to him.

It showed a foal, dressed and diapered and she pointed at it. Spike was vaguely guessing what she meant. Vaguely.

"I'm game, what's this about?"

The next morning, the first thing Twilight Sparkle would do was take a cold shower and slam her head against the wall so often that she got a headache so bad that she needed to retreat to bed immediately. Spike would tell her that it was fine, they were tired and they wouldn't need to do it. Twilight, despite herself, insisted. She was scared of a tomorrow where she couldn't stop fixing things that didn't need to be fixed, a world where she couldn't go through a door without making a mistake. She would gladly jump into these waters to get a clear head and write this Nightbook. If only to show herself that there was a way out of all this.

This night however she smiled an easy smile, knowing that she had a little brother who'd go with whatever crazy scheme she'd come up with and maybe even up the ante if needed. For this, that was better than the dutiful big brother or the kind foal sitter.

"I want to dress up like that," she said that night and was yet unaware what trouble that one sentence would bring.

III. Indaco

The trees looked dead without the leaves, Twilight thought, while her yellow companion adjusted her own scarf. The cold winds were rising and winter would come soon. Already the weather teams were holding their yearly meeting for the snow distribution. Summer had faded as quickly as it had arrived, Twilight thought, what with all those exciting things that had happened. All the adventures. Even the Running of the Leaves had turned out spectacular.

It had been her second autumn here in Ponyville.

Twilight sipped at her cocoa, letting the sweet smell linger for a moment. The sip was perfect, of course. She would never allow herself to make a mistake doing something so small and insignificant. Fluttershy just watched, as she always did, saying nothing. Twilight looked into her friend’s eyes. She wasn’t the best at social skills but even she understood how Fluttershy tried her hardest to keep a neutral expression, but annoyance was still in her glance.

These were the last days of autumn, she thought, and hopefully the first days of things growing better again. She didn’t want to leave this relationship, or anything else, as it was right now.

“I’m working on it,” she said, confidence in her voice.

Fluttershy blinked, perplexed. “What?”

“I haven’t found any time to kick back, to just let go. You gave me a wonderful idea. Spike and I will implement it soon enough and then, I'm sure, the worst will pass over.”

“Sorry, but what are you talking about Twilight? I mean, there’s not really a problem, or is there? I didn't miss anything, did I?” the pegasus said in her usual, unsure way.. Sometimes, Fluttershy was too timid to tell truths and she hadn’t really bothered Twilight about her problem, aside from aside glances at least.

“You know what I’m talking about,” the unicorn said, taking another perfect sip, but halting halfway through, adjusting the angle. “This.”

She was just as annoyed as her friend at the whole ordeal, maybe even more. There was nothing worse than just wanting to enjoy a hot drink and ending up spending minutes fixing all these little details. Fluttershy herself looked at her curiously, “How?”

“As said, you gave me a brilliant idea,” she answered, trying to smile as good as she could but smiling came hard to her nowadays. She had hardly slept, mainly because new things had been needed to be planned and new schedules had been needed to be made. “If this works out, then maybe I’ll have a cure for it.”

Twilight didn’t want to name the condition. Not throwing the name around made her feel easier, somehow and she really hoped that those around her felt the same. Fluttershy almost seemed so, as her face seemed to get less strained with that last statement.

“Are you really going to be fine,” Fluttershy then asked with a soft voice, as ever.

Twilight thought for a moment, deciding to be honest: “I hope.”

She sipped at her cocoa and looked at the sky. Clouds were quickly drifting across the blue colored heavens, driven on by a wind that was far stronger than the one on the ground. The last scheduled storm was due tonight, she remembered. Tomorrow it was sunny skies and the evening would be perfect to sit outside and look at the stars. She hadn’t done that in some time, now.

Twilight had met with Fluttershy to specifically give her that reassurance. Everypony was worried, but Fluttershy seemed like the one least able to deal with her friend’s particular problem. Pinkie had her way of dealing with things and for every time Twilight was too busy fixing things, she had playfully ruined things for her, or even helped her to get things straight. It was weird how accurate the earth pony could position pens. Rarity was a neatfreak herself and hadn’t even noticed that there existed something like a problem to begin with. Rainbow Dash had found it grating but with time she had come to understand the whole thing somewhat. Patience had never been one of her virtues, though and so she had tried to deal with things her own way: tending to her own business.

Fluttershy was a timid person and Twilight had figured her to be one of the most understanding ponies in Ponyville. Time had taught her that understanding meant that she let things happen, no matter how much they grated her nerves, because she cared. Especially about her friends and it seemed to hurt her watching Twilight the way she was, without being able to do anything. That’s why the unicorn thought it wise to tell her first hand about the progress, just like she kept the Nightbook beneath her bed to write about how she would develop in the following months.

The cocoa was sipped and her thoughts drifted, asking herself whether or not the Canterlot Mail Order Service would hold up to the promises that had been made on the pamphlets. She hoped they would, since finding a discreet merchant for the stuff they had wanted had been hard enough. She also needed to get over to Rarity’s place, see if that other specific order was done. She dreaded that, too, but it was for the sake of getting better again.

After their brunch together, Fluttershy excused herself, the old bear needed help preparing his cave for the winter and she had promised him to help. Twilight was a bit surprised at Fluttershy knowing a bear but let it slide, telling herself that the pony had once defeated a dragon with words alone. What harm might a bear do to her?

Her own way then led her to Carousel Boutique and probably the worst possible thing she had to do this week. She still remembered how Rarity had spit her cider right out as she had been told what the job would entail, then she had laughed and then after a short moment during which she had realized that Twilight had actually meant it she had said: “Sounds like a challenge. I’ll accept.”

They had taken the measurements as required and it had been noted that Twilight seemed to have lost a bit of weight. She hoped to get her diet in order again, last thing she wanted was to starve herself to death.

She reached the boutique and rang its doorbell. A moment passed and then she opened the door, the white unicorn with the dark blue mane. Twilight had only to take one look at the mane to see the state of both Rarity’s mind and work: Finished. Still, her generous friend smiled. “Oh, Twilight, I hadn’t expected you so soon. Please do come in,” she said and showed her friend in.

The boutique was as orderly as possible. The main room was always like that, looking just about perfect so guests and customers could take all her work in. Rarity liked making clothes in this room, because of that perfect atmosphere, she said.

“So,” Twilight started, awkwardly, “you’ve been well?”

“Well, aside from still not having answered myself the question just what I was thinking when I signed up for the Running of the Leaves everything is pretty much fine.”

“You didn’t do too bad,” Twilight conferred, thinking back how Rarity had given up during the first stage because of leaves ruining her mane. “For your standards.”

“Hah,” Rarity huffed, “If only others would understand like you do, Twilight. Honestly, Rainbow Dash won’t shut up about it.”

“You know how she is,” Twilight said with a slight smile, looking over the many dresses that were presented, wondering whether her request was among them but found it not. That was a good sign.

“Uh-huh,” was all Rarity could say and that was the start of the awkward silence. The long one when both parties knew exactly what came next but didn’t quite know how to address it.

Rarity had originally accepted it as a challenge but hadn’t really brought it up thereafter. She was discreet like that.

“So, about that thing you asked me about,” the white unicorn then started. Twilight felt a load of her shoulders only for it to be replaced with another. She wasn’t quite comfortable with what they were going through herself. “I’ve done it and nopony else knows about it. I’m pretty much the only pony in town who deals in clothing and some ponies have a strange fashion sense. Normally I wouldn’t even mind and I tried to, it’s your business what you want. However, as a friend, I do have to ask: A bib? A one-piece sleeper? What do you intend to do with those?”

Twilight felt her face reddening, although Rarity tried to keep the questions in a tone that was as neutral as possible. “I’m just,” she began.

“I’m not trying to put you on the spot Twilight,” Rarity interrupted immediately, “It’s just that with how things are going right now, everypony’s worried really worried about you. I’ll help you in any way I can, but I’d like to understand how exactly I’m helping in providing these things?”

Twilight looked at Rarity, the pony who, while sometimes fairly self-interested was so very generous to her friends and caring. A care that should be repaid, she thought. Plus, she should come out with it anyway; having somepony aside from Spike to confer with would hopefully ease her mind.

“I just thought it a way to let go of things,” she said but Rarity’s look only indicated confusion. She had to tell her the whole plan. “It’s a bit complicated, might I see what you got?” She didn’t want to stand on the spot and try to explain things in a stiff manner, she needed to ease herself into it. Plus, she was on a schedule.

Rarity bid her to follow into a side room, one of the few she kept for special orders, she knew. Twilight had always thought they were for really important ponies and times Rarity didn’t want to be disturbed at all while working. That the special orders could be things that needed to be hidden away hadn’t even occurred to her originally. It didn’t seem like a pony thing to do.

In the middle of the room stood a mannequin, dressed in a dark blue sleeper, like the ones she had heard the mountain ponies in the Frozen North used, a one-piece thing that covered even the hooves, adorned with quite a many stars. She remembered her parents telling her that they had one for her when she had still been a foal. Apparently she had never been one for cold winters. Twilight looked at it and then her eyes shifted towards a table by the side. She didn’t know what materials had been used, but the colors of it were exactly the same as two certain strands in her mane, a violet background with a rose-colored dragon on front of it, on Spike’s insistence.

She moved closer in, looking at them. “It was just the spur of the moment, really. I think I’m trapping myself in regulations and rules, which I execute via correct behaviours and very specific timetables. It starts small and then gets bigger and bigger. I need more and more regulations as time moves on, thinking that it will aid me. At least on a subconscious level. I feel safe when everything is going according to a plan of my own design. That might end with me suffering a mental breakdown everytime I don’t manage to step out of the bed correctly and let me assure you, I already have trouble with that. I need a rhythm for everything and I just can’t keep up with the way I organize things.

“So, I organize my life and everything to the point where it collapses on itself. I am aware of it, but I can’t handle it at all. Plus, it’s not really seen as a bad thing. The doctors told me to just lay off on the plans and that I shouldn’t bother them with the small stuff. It’s not something that comes up often in Equestria, probably due to our long standing contacts with the griffons... But I doubt you want a history lesson, right?”

She smiled at Rarity and grabbed at the sleeper, feeling the soft fabric. “So I had to think of a way to deal with it on my own. Fluttershy gave me a wonderful idea for that. As a child you had other worries, things that, by adult standards, aren’t really important, but that’s not what drives me to it. It’s the fact that I want to stop planning, I want to stop creating, I want to stop thinking. I want somepony to do these things for me for a while, so maybe I can get it out of my head that I need a plan for everything, as schedule for every day and a ritual for everything I’m doing. I’m also aware that I could just sit back on a couch and ask Spike to get me ice cream for a whole day, but that wouldn’t work. I think, no, I hope that I can actually lose myself for a bit with this and find the right way out.” She looked at Rarity. “That makes sense, right?”

The other mare had stood there by the door, looking at Twilight. There were no other ponies in the house, so they could talk as openly as they please, it seemed. She seemed to think about this little speech. “A little. I presume this is for some kind of roleplay then?”

Twilight smiled, that was a nice way of putting it, “Like playing house,” she said.

“So, I can’t really figure out what kind of house that’s going to be.”

Twilight looked at the sleeper. “One with only me and Spike apparently.”

Rarity nodded. “Alright. Let me get this together: You want to fix your over-the-top perfectionism through playing house and letting Spike take charge of the house for... how long?”

“A day, probably.”

“Should I alert the fireguard now or later?”

Twilight couldn’t help but laugh at that and a mild snicker escaped Rarity, too, before she continued. “Joking aside. This does seem to be a unique approach to your problem but I don’t think you’re going to hurt yourself with it. It’s just dressing up in a sleeper and a bib for a day, right?”

“Actually, the sleeper is just for the night. For the day it’s going to be diapers.”

I shouldn’t have said that, Twilight thought as Rarity’s expression turned from a smile and a nod to wide-eyed, shocked stare.

“What?”

“Well... I,” Twilight tried to look away, find something past the window that really, really interested her. She repeated her thought, cursing herself for bringing it up. Why did she have to bring that up.

“You really are taking a unique approach to this, aren’t you?” The question was asked in such a calm manner that Twilight couldn’t help but look at her friend again. Rarity seemed more intrigued than anything.

“You’re not... freaked out?”

“Why should I be freaked out? I told you already, I’m the only person working with clothing until Canterlot. You claim one thing, I say I’ve seen or made something weirder and for some strange reason I never got over that pair order of duck costumes.”

“For Nightmare Night?”

“That’s what I tell myself at night.”

A sudden quiet fell over them again. “Do you really hear worse things?”

“Not worse, Twilight, weirder. Other lines of work can boast seeing things that are bad and worse. I can only claim to know ponies with no sense for colors, ponies who dress like lions in their home or pretend they’re ducks when nopony sees them. I stopped worrying about weirdness a few months after I started working, really and in the end we all have our quirks.” She gave her friend as smile, that then turned into a somewhat more serious expression. “You’re not going to let Spikey-wikey change used diapers, are you?”

Twilight frowned at that thought, “No and no, it’s just wearing them, to get into the role. I’m not going to use them.”

“What a waste, then.”

Twilight looked at Rarity, and the other unicorn just smiled. “I’m teasing. Don’t involve Spike in anything more dangerous than I do.”

“Like exploring diamond dog cities?”

“Like exploring diamond dog cities,” Rarity said softly. “And if you need anything else, I can make you higher quality stuff if you give me more than a few days for the schedule.”

Rarity took the sleeper off the mannequin and folded it with a few deft motions, levitating it and the bib into a bag which Twilight then took between her teeth.

“Thanks, Rarity.”

“No problem, and have fun.”

She looked at what the Mail Order Service had brought, while Spike examined Rarity’s handiwork.

The Canterlot Mail Order Service was basically the most useful invention since wheels and that was something they proclaimed on all the pamphlets and for sure, all the boasts had been proven true. Basically, the service was a network of merchants across Equestria, which was organized by a group of dragons and unicorns who also took care of speed mailing both the orders to be given and the orders fulfilled. The greatest thing however, was that each equestrian town had a center where a book with all the participating merchants was, among them Applejack, Rarity, Donut Joe alongside dealers in things that could be considered more ‘novelty’-like.

Twilight looked at the open box, before she ripped the package inside it open, revealing a line of disposable diapers, stars printed on them. Twilight thought them foalish, or at least cute, which had been reason enough to try them out. Aside from that, there was powder and a pacifier, dark blue that one, to go with the theme.

She liked the fact that it was all very much organized.

“So,” Spike stated, “now we got your stuff. What’ll we do next?”

Twilight didn’t look up, instead wondering how many awkward moments awaited her on the road. “I don’t know. I haven’t planned on using these until the weekend.”

A moment passed, Spike’s mouth twitched in thought. “Is there anything important to do today?”

“Well, I’ve got this new way I want to organize the library in, then I want to clean the kitchen again, just to be sure we got everything, and then-”

“Stop,” he halted her, crossing his arms before his chest, “this’ll just end with you tangling yourself up with your schedules again, isn’t it?”

“No, I’ve got it planned out perfectly,” she defended herself weakly. “We’re a bit late for schedule #1, but schedule 39 is the perfect alternative to-” While she had been talking Spike had walked up to the package and grabbed the pacifier, stuffing it into her mouth first chance he got.

“You know, if you want to do schock therapy, we’ll do shock therapy,” he stated matter-of-factly. “I know that you want to get everything right, but neither of us really knows what we’re going to do with all this stuff.”

“That’s why-,” Twilight mumbled.

“That’s why we’re going to jump into the cold water, Twilight. That’s what you need to get out of your system and it’s what I need to do to start understanding what in all kinds of hay we are going to do here.”

They hadn’t really specified on that, having said that they would wait until the time was right. Twilight had thought that time to be friday 14:47 to 15:02, which was still a few days away and wanted to speak up to declare just that.

“Twilight,” this time he interrupted before she could even say anything, “you were the one insisting, remember? And also the one noticing that you’re getting worse, so you’re also the one who needs to kick yourself into doing what you want. So, what do you want? Scheduling your schedules? Measuring your food? Working out the geometry behind your workspace?”

She looked at him, the pacifier remaining in her mouth the whole time. She blinked. The things she wanted were none of those. They were the things she wanted to escape. To kick herself away from them, though, that was hard. She didn’t know if she could pull it off. She felt more and more anxious the more she knew the timing became unfixable. Unconsciously, Twilight started sucking on the pacifier.

“You take lead, Spike,” she said around it, trying to gain some focus.

“I’m doing quite well, already, aren’t I?”

“Yes, you are,” she answered and grabbed the powder and a diaper. “I’ll try to get this thing on quick as I can and then we can start this thing.” She was trying to get more confidence in this thing, this therapy of hers and went on to the library’s bathroom, to get the thing on.

The bathroom itself had a bath, a separate shower, a toilet and of course the sink, while the ground was covered with two bath mats, green with patterns of leaves on them.

Her mind was so blocked with thoughts about her schedule being ruined by what she was doing that she didn’t even quite realize what she was doing. She unfolded the diaper with a mechanical precision, before she laid it out on the ground, sprinkling some powder over it. This was one of the few times her very sensitive sense for hygiene worked out in her favor as she could position herself neatly atop the thing, trying to even get that angle perfect. The main problem was that she, even in her current state, was fully aware that she had never done what she was doing right now. She had never even touched a diaper before, actually.

She had read about it, however and that seemed to make things easier for her. She knew how these things worked and as she was lying on one of the mats, she closed her eyes, sucked her pacifier and just did. Her magic lifted the front up and then let the pulled the tapes on the sides together in completely symmetry. She took a breath and opened her eyes.

Suddenly she found herself thinking that she was lying on the ground with a pacifier in her mouth and a diaper covering her bottom. The sucking noise felt like it penetrated everything in the world. Twilight looked at the ceiling, finding her thoughts clean of all schedules for a moment, all the planning was gone. She was just sitting there alone, diapered and happy.

She could’ve felt ashamed but it honestly only made her feel better, despite her schedule being completely messed up by it. Ah, there the thoughts are again.

She stood up, unconsciously trying to avoid herself in the mirror and then going straight for the door. She felt the padding between her legs, somewhat akin to a pillow. It felt both weird and awkward to walk in and for a moment she thought about just taking it off again. However, it had made her forget for a moment.

She opened the door and walked out into the main room. The door of the library was closed for the day. Twilight’s condition had mostly been attributed to being overworked in the local rumour mill, so ponies kept away from the library right now and Spike had had the foresight of closing early. She looked at the door, taking a deep breath, then she noticed Spike coming from the kitchen and his eyes went over her for a moment.

A grin formed on his face, “If it helps, you do manage to look like an overgrown foal.”

It was only a slight blush she managed, considering how that acknowledgement only helped to make everything easier. This was, after all, just the means to to an end and the better they could get into it, the easier this would become. She had pretty much expected this to end up as yet another awkward moment, though Spike seemed to have none of that. “I’ve got stuff set up above. Oh, you’re going to love it.”

For some strange reason she already knew she was going to hate it, still she followed him up the stairs. Not really knowing how he wanted to get started with whatever they were going to do and also glad that there was no moment to linger.

Spike knew, too, that this wasn’t mainly about fun, but instead about helping her help herself. That’s what Twilight thought until she saw what he meant with ‘stuff set up’, which in turn turned into a frown.

The dragon was in so many ways the opposite of Twilight, she sometimes even wondered how they’d got along as well as they did. Where she had relished in books, he’d always preferred his toys. Back in Canterlot, she had never really bothered with his hobbies, since her studies had always taken up all her time but she had known that he had still spent a lot of time with them. She also knew that he hadn’t taken them with them when they had come to Ponyville, so she found the figurines of historical characters and mythological figures spread across the floor more than a bit wondrous, if not amazing for the sheer number of them.

“When did you get all them?” The question came out a bit more troublesome than planned but she felt having something to suck on while observing all this helped her keep her mind away from the fact that there was absolutely no order in the room.

“The princess sent them. Considering how it seemed like we were going to stay for quite a while I thought it wise to get the important stuff here, too.” She noted that he really was still a kid, something she could smile at.

“Well,” she said, trying to talk around the pacifier, “you could’ve made less of a mess, if you ask me.”

He looked at her for a moment, “Ah, sorry. Can’t hear you over the noise of you sucking that thing.”

With a frown she lifted her hoof up to take the pacifier out, but was immediately halted by the small dragon’s claw. She looked at Spike who led her towards his toys.

“Just sit down and try playing a bit, Twilight,” he said and the two seated themselves on the ground, with Spike reaching for a figurine of Grogar, who was known as both a necromancer and the first documented king of the unicorns. She simply looked at it, curiously. “You do know how to play with these things, right?” The questioned seemed posed more like a rhetorical statement, Twilight found. She picked up another figurine.

Starswirl the Hooded, one of three Starswirls in ancient equestrian history and looked at him, more curious than anything. She knew the story behind this one, he had been the one responsible of banishing Grogar into the Realm of Darkness the first time, however playing with a figurine seemed hard to her. She frowned, thinking on how this work while Spike seemed to wait for an answer that wouldn’t come.

“Twilight, don’t tell me you have no idea what to do?”

“You know I never had stuff like this,” she grumbled. These things had seemed boring and even redundant to her at that age. All the stories could be found in books and she had always asked herself what the appeal behind only having pieces from them.

Spike sighed. “No wonder you’re so stuck up. Well, how to explain. Well, here’s how I do it: That figurine your holding there? Starswirl, but you know that, don’t you. She was a non-noble pony, a brave champion of her kind and fought a vile king named Grogar, banishing him.”

Yes, I know that part, she noted grimly.

“But Grogar wasn’t really banished.” What? “Or at least not as long as the ponies have hoped and he’s come back with his...” he trailed off, grabbing some more figurines and placing them around the huge ram, “army of dark spirits. So now, Starswirl has to defeat him.”

Twilight looked at Grogar, his supposed minions and then Starswirl.

“The rest is basically role-playing. I’ll take Grogar and his minions, you take Starswirl.”

“Why do you get the army?”

He leaned close to her, a grin on his smile and petting her head. “Because I don’t want widdle Twily to overdo herself.”

She looked at him with a complete neutral expression, letting Starswirl suddenly mount a full frontal assault on Grogar’s minions knocking several of them down. “Well, it does even the odds, doesn’t it,” she stated with a grin that might’ve counted as badflank, if it hadn’t been for that adorable piece of plastic covering her mouth.

Spike looked for a moment, “Ah, you knocked out Swiftblade Bloodslit,” he lamented before immediately trying to reform his lines and getting Grogar to give some intimidating speech to his nemesis. Twilight wanted to bother Spike about that name, but decided to let it go the moment Grogar started to chew the scenery despite his well-documented cold and stoic behaviour.

Starswirl used the chance to teleport away from the scene and rally her allies and trying to evade open battle against Grogar during every turn. Spike went for the over-the-top, scenery-chewing kind of villain, while Twilight tried to interpret how the real Starswirl would’ve acted as good as she could. If you had historical characters, you had to use them properly after all. Somehow, the fact that they were historical also helped her immerse herself more and more in the whole thing. Somehow she ended up hiding beneath her blanket, a pony named Chocolate Cookie by her side, observing an enemy patrol, led by Swiftblade Bloodslit, who, despite the inclinations of his name, was actually something of an obnoxious coward who tended to get knocked out a lot. When the right moment came, she jumped out along her figurine, ending in both fighters locked in a deadly struggle, each fighting for both their own survival as well as the victory of their respective general.

Twilight wasn’t using her magic, instead holding the dark brown figurine with plasticine mane with her hoof. As she and Spike both slammed their figurines against each other, she had a grin on her face, sure that this day would be hers. At least until Spike’s claw reached her side and suddenly the battle shifted from ancient heroes to Twilight rolling on the ground, laughing loudly as she tried to evade the tickling fingers of her brother.

“What are you doing,” she asked, managing to produce the question between the laughter.

“Winning,” Spike stated.

Twilight sat down at the table, which was already set for dinner, looking at the food and the dishes, of which were none. The pacifier was laid aside, leaving her to frown on her own. The afternoon alone had been active enough on its own and she was hungry.

“Spike,” she began, but before she could formulate the question he already put the bib around her neck.

“I know what you’re thinking, but I had a notion. Most of the stuff I do for you goes over quicker, so I was thinking, that maybe you should let me just feed you for once. I mean, you’re already in diapers and you didn’t even bother trying to take the pacifier out to talk, so feeding might even be in role.”

She looked at the dragon, knowing that he just wanted to make a mess of the kitchen again. That and, she had rather enjoyed just playing around. Maybe the diapers were a bit over-the-top and paci, too. Pacifier, she corrected herself. “We’re still trying to figure out how far we go, Spike and I can eat on my own.”

He shrugged and went to get her dishes. The dragon at least tried to have his fun with it, as the ones he got her were clearly meant for foals, painted with cute little pictures, spoon and fork made of plastic. She sighed, thinking that maybe, not only the diapers were a bit too much.

Another meal began, with Spike digging in as gluttonous as ever, while Twilight took always perfect bites from her meal, more often than not taking a few tries before getting a bite right. It was a typical meal, until the dragon interrupted her again: “Twilight, how long are you going to take to get one leaf in your mouth?”

“It’s not my fault, it just needs to have the perfect angle.”

He lifted his scaly brows, before he stood up, marched over to her and took her fork. “Might I?”

She looked at him suspiciously. “Spike, I already said that I-”

He pierced as much salad as possible with the fork and shoved it into her mouth, the dressing dripping from it and onto her bib.

He looked at her, “try chewing,” he suggested, giving her an encouraging look. Despite herself, she chewed the leaves, gulping them down.

“Is it that bad?” he asked.

Twilight looked at him. “It’s a bit unusual, I’d say.”

“Unusual? I can give you that,” he picked up another forkful and lifted it into the air, “And~ there flies the Princess~” he said with a sing-songy voice, guiding the fork to her mouth. She couldn’t help but giggle at that, the foodstuff landing safely in her mouth.

“Where did that come from?”

“Let’s just say I doubt the only reason Luna rebelled was because ponies were sleeping at night.” Twilight gave him a weird look before the laughter came, laughter he used to get another bite in. The dragon took some delight out of it, being the one officially and unofficially taking care of Twilight, instead of just unofficially. She herself seemed infinitely more relaxed like this, although she closed her eyes before the food entered her mouth.

After dinner came showers and after showers, Twilight decided to try to sleep in her diaper. The sleeper was for the cold winter nights that would follow. So, at the end of the day she seated herself on her bed, their bedroom had been tidied up already, and wrote into the Nightbook, the pacifier lying beside it and the quill moving in perfect motions over the paper. She only barely heard Spike coming up the stairs.

“So,” he started, “I have to agree on the unusual bit.” She heard him speak, but was focusing on her writing.

“I don’t really care,” she answered bluntly, “I guess that’s what I was wanting to find out, really. Whether I cared or not. I wanted to see how things would go, how you’d take it. Heck, I didn’t quite know how to take it myself. I have to admit, though, having a portable cushion on my behind might come in useful for study sessions.” She joked, of course, a tiny smile appearing on her face. “I don’t really know how to act foalish, though. So that’s a problem.”

Spike stood by her side she knew. “Well, it’s only about having fun.”

She looked at him, “So you think that the both of us can have fun like this.”

“Well, we could try with rules the next time. Make a game of it. That’d probably be more fun.”

She nodded, “I could think of some. For example: You clean up the messes you make.”

“And when you want to eat or drink, I’ll feed you.”

“You could hold back on the tickling.”

“Nah, you’re so easy that’s impossible,” he immediately retorted, leaving her to huff and puff. “It’s like playing house, then, isn’t it? With you being the little sister and me being the big brother. Didn’t we do that once with Cadance and your brother as our parents?”

“Yes,” she said and they both immediately told each other: “Let’s not make it that boring.”

Twilight closed her book, looking out of the window, the stars were up already although it couldn’t yet be midnight. “I feel a bit thirsty,” she mused, wondering if she should get something to drink from downstairs.

“Don’t fret, Twilight, I’ve got you some, too,” he said, holding up a glass of milk for himself and a... baby bottle for her? She didn’t quite know what to make of that but took it anyway as Spike gave it to her.

“Well,” she said, looking at it and then at Spike, “how about we do this again tomorrow, only a bit more organized.”

“Only a bit, do you need help with that?” The question seemed stupid, as if she couldn’t drink on her own.

“I guess,” she answered and the tiny dragon placed his own glass on the floor and seated himself on her bed. “Give me the bottle,” he demanded and so she did. “Now... I think you need to lean on my lap.”

So she did, tiny as his lap was and the next moment the nipple was stuck in her mouth. As she sucked the cool milk went into her mouth and despite the work it required she found it strangely calming, even more so than the pacifier. That, the padding and the all-around warmth made her feel more and more drowsy with every time she took some milk.

Spike wasn’t quite sure whether she fell asleep just as she had finished the bottle or a few seconds later, her breathing quiet and rhythmic. It was a weird thing for the small dragon to admit, but at that moment she really did look like an overgrown foal. He’d known about phoenixes and rebirth, thinking that this was Twilight rising from the ashes.

Was it truly that poetic? He doubted it, as he lifted her head up from his knees and laid it on her cushion, covering the pony with her blankets. As he grabbed his glass and took a sip of his own he looked at Twilight. She had slept so badly in the last months that this sight made his heart really leap. She slept like a baby.

As he emptied the glass in one go, he turned towards his own bunk and his last thoughts were happy ones, because for the first time in quite a while he was sure to get a good night’s rest.

IV. The Snow Part I

She had never been on any swings in Canterlot. There had been books, though and ponies underestimated books. One could build forts with books, one could build towers and stairs and if a pony got a big enough book, it could easily substitute a flying carpet in a young child’s imagination. Yet, the great thing about books wasn’t in any of these things. The great thing in books was that a pony could leap inside them, become part of every story ever written. It was an obvious thing, a good thing, too. Every book was a reverie on its own, a tale to sink into. Yet it is the obvious things that are the easiest to misplace.

Twilight had long since forgotten how it was to go to bed with nothing but a good story on her mind. Her mind had been full of chores, schedules and things to do. There had been plans she had laid out and stuff she had wanted to do the moment the covers were spread across her body. Yet somehow, this night she dreamt only of swings. She dreamt of the earth moving beneath her, the wind whirling through her mane and for a single moment she could touch the bright blue sky with it’s white cotton clouds.

She didn’t know how many times she swung, how often she tried to touch the sky. What she did know was that every single time she tried, she kept falling backwards. Her hooves swung with her, trying to get more momentum. Again and again she tried, never quite managing to feel the clouds. With every time, she noticed another mistake she made and fixed it. Her position was wrong, the way her legs swung faulty, her hooves gripped the swing the wrong way, her eyes looked a bit to the wrong side, her horn wasn’t the right angle for what she wanted to do. There were more mistakes and Twilight was so far away from the sky.

One last time she tried and felt herself stopping mid-air. Looking at the clouds she realized that she could never reach them. Her heart stopped for that one long moment as all hope drained from her. She let go of the swing and allowed herself to fall back to the earth. There was nowhere for her to go but the dirt.

Twilight fell and landed. For a moment everything went black and then she threw her eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling of her room. The sun was glistening through the window, warming the pony even beneath her covers. She didn’t move for a moment, trying to figure out what had happened, then figured it only a dream. It wasn’t that bad, either. The last days of autumn had went by quickly and outside the first snows were falling already. She had spent the last few days in a fairly blissful manner, dividing her time between a perfectly structured day and chaotic evenings that made her cringe every time she thought about them.

Looking at the sun, she knew that she’d slept into the day again. Twilight wasn’t bothered by that as much as she’d been on the first day. Sleeping longer did pretty well for her and she had managed to adjust her schedules pretty well. She lifted herself up from the bed, still feeling somewhat groggy, the diaper crinkling with her movement. As she took the covers off her, she took a few seconds to look at it, like every morning. And like every morning, she felt a sense of . . . Well, she didn’t quite know how to call it. Uncertainty maybe.

“What am I doing?”

She asked nopony in particular, but as the words went off her tongue, she found something wrong with them.

“What,” she tried again, her brow furrowing. “What am,” she clenched her teeth. It didn’t sound right. Something was wrong with the way she intoned the words, something that was already ruining her day more than it had already been.

“What-”, she tried starting again, already knowing that it wouldn’t work and fury leaking through her voice.

She was unable to finish as a voice called from below the stairs, “Twilight, are you up,” and dragged her right out of it.

Twilight blinked for a second, glad for the interruption. She wondered why one question was so hard to pull off. “What am I-,” she started but the ‘I’ didn’t work. “What am I-,” she grumbled. Then she yelled down: “One moment, Spike.”

The pony tried to find the correct way to see what she wanted to say. She knew the words, she knew the grammar, she knew all that. She knew the rules and yet she couldn’t get it out the way she wanted. What was she doing wrong? Why did this come up so suddenly.

Suddenly, Twilight thought of falling and a chill ran through her. Still, she tried to figure out how to get this right. So she tried one more time, and then one last time.

“What am I doing?”

“Talking to yourself,” the dragon answered and she looked at the stairs again, from where Spike looked at her. How long had he been standing there, she wondered.

“I-”

She didn’t finish, instead the thought of the garment she wore crouched up from her thoughts. The dragon didn’t seem to care about that, though, instead looking straight at her face. He opened his mouth, but then thought better of it. “Anyway. I wanted to let you sleep for a while longer, hope it isn’t too bad having slept more than two or three hours for once.”

She didn’t know how to answer.

“Thank you,” she said, already too confused by her own thoughts. “Thank you,” she repeated, annoyed.

“Twi-,” he started but she shut him up with a gesture, trying to get the wording correct.

“Thank you,” she said, feeling angry that she couldn’t get such a simple thing right. Why couldn’t she get speech right now?

The dragon stared at her as she repeated the words again and again.

“Twilight,” he said, his voice thick with worry but she ignored him. He didn’t know how to react to that, instead standing there, watching as Twilight lost herself in trying to fix a problem that wasn’t even there.

The pony was off into her own world, repeating the sentence with slight changes in the way she said the words, trying to figure out how to say them correctly. No answer came to her and so she kept on trying. She wasn't even aware of her surroundings. At least until Spike shoved something into her mouth.

She sucked once at the pacifier, regaining her awareness of Spike and so she looked at him.

And regretted it immediately as his eyes were wide with fear. He didn’t know what had gotten into Twilight and had done the first best thing, get her to shut up. He used to be good at it without putting something in her mouth, but she wasn’t angry at him. The rubber in her mouth felt calming.

“Twilight,” he started, but it was clear that he didn’t know what to say. She didn’t think about it, instead just pulled him into a hug.

“It’s fine, I’m fine. Thank you,” she whispered from behind the pacifier. It was small enough that she could still speak fine enough with it, but the sound of the wording made her want to try to say it again. Instead, she suckled as loudly as she could, trying to overshadow the criticising voice in her head. It took a few seconds until he returned the hug, but when he did, she knew that for now his worries had ceased, though her own hadn’t. She was aware of that sudden outburst.

Was she still getting worse? Was that even possible?

Should she be scared?

“I made you coffee,” said Spike, getting some distance between the two. He clearly had had enough of hugging for the morning. “Come on down, crinklebutt,” the way he said it was enough of a confirmation for Twilight. He was quick to forget his worries. That was a gift on its own.

“Crinklebutt,” she repeated with a smile, happy that no voice in her head urged her on to say it correctly this time and then they made their way to breakfast.

“So,” he said when they had seated themselves at the table, “you’re not mad about waking up late?”

She had taken out her pacifier again to get herself some of the coffee. “Not really,” she said. She still didn’t know whether she felt better than normal, though. Apparently one afternoon isn’t enough for therapy, she mused in her thoughts. “However I’ll need to do some stuff in the city so we can’t really lounge around the house for more.” Twilight then took a sip.

“Well,” he said, “then I can spend my day with Rarity.” The way he grinned then made Twilight giggle. Sadly, she was still busy drinking and some coffee landed on her coat. Spike looked at her, “And that’s what we get from forgetting your bib.”

“Apparently,” the unicorn answered with a frown on her face. Now her day really was ruined and she didn’t really know how to feel when Spike really did jump up and got the bib, fastening it around her neck after he cleaned the coffee off her with some paper towels. Then he insisted again on helping her with her own meal. Cereals, oats and some fruits made up their breakfast, as always. Twilight couldn’t stand the taste of grass in the morning, which was one of the reasons she never liked sleepovers at Pinkie Pie’s place. Unlike what she had expected the first time she had done so, almost everything during a Pinkie Pie breakfast involved grass in some way. Everypony had a different taste, Twilight figured, and that had to be just Pinkie’s.

After breakfast, Spike still inquired, “So, we’re not going to play anymore today?”

He wants to continue with the figurines. Another smile came across her face and she shrugged. “Who said anything about that? We still have lunch and the entire evening for us,” she stated. His grin widened up and she knew that he only saw a game in it all. Either that or he purposely ignored Twilight’s problem when he was able to. Everypony had their way of doing things, she thought. “Anyway,” she said, “I’ll dip my head in cold water and then start my day.”

“Don’t forget to change out of that diaper,” he said jokingly as she started to walk out.

“As if I’d forget that,” she grumbled and moved on. For this morning she had mostly just let the padding between her legs be. It was comfortable, she still thought. A waste, Rarity had said and Twilight suddenly couldn’t help but agree. She wondered for a moment what other ponies might’ve thought of her prancing around town in a diaper? As she made her way into the bathroom, putting a plug into the basin and starting her morning ritual, she thought about that question and her friends.

Rarity would probably call her out, since she seemed to value discretion in such cases. Rainbow Dash would laugh and tease her, but if she’d think Twilight a freak? Applejack was so down to the earth she’d probably want to sit down and talk about it. Pinkie Pie? Twilight found herself at a loss, she couldn’t quite judge Pinkie Pie, but it would probably end up harmless to their relationship. Then there was Fluttershy. The pony was a kind and caring soul, Twilight knew. She would probably understand, she told herself as the basin filled up and she could finally dip her head into the icy cold water. It was her way of starting the day perfectly and as she felt her face nearly freezing off she lifted her head up again and looked at the ceiling.

It was then that she realized fully that she didn’t want to take the diaper off.

Plans were plans and so she decided to do it anyway. Her schedule could only suffer so much. As she took it off she saw that it was still as unspoiled as when she had put it on, yesterday. If using it would bring anypony any harm?

Twilight did a swift job of blaming Rarity for such thoughts, before she rolled the thing into a ball and put it in the bin, all prim and proper. Still, she decided to take a towel, to get the powder off, if any remained on her coat. She must’ve spent some time doing that, as when she came out of the bathroom Spike had already left and the sun had moved once more.

Twilight spent the first bit of the day going about her business. There wasn’t much the town librarian did when there weren’t any friendship adventures to be had. However, she delivered a book that Carrot Top had requested and gave it to the orange maned one recommending four more books. She also had a meeting with the mayor concerning the plans for Winter Wrap-Up, since the town’s leader was of the opinion that for once, everything that could be done in advance should be done so with vast amounts of advance. That took some time, considering how Twilight had to explain the back-up plan for the back-up plan that came in when the original back-up plan failed, and handed the mayor a document titled ‘Worst Case Scenarios 1-36’ and said that a second document with 37 till 72 was in works.

And the mayor seemed to leave the meeting in a better mood than Twilight, who couldn’t help but feel that the number of plans was excessive, even for her standards.

On the plus side, she managed to leave the town hall in a perfect trot only after the fifth try.

On her way out she met Rarity, who graced her with a smile and a curt: “Greetings, darling.”

Twilight nodded in her direction, “Hey, Rarity. How’s your day going?”

“Fairly well. It’s good that I’m seeing you, too.” Her smile fainted a bit. “I wanted to ask you if it’s alright if Spike stayed over for the night?”

For a moment Twilight looked at her, trying to process what her friend had just revealed to her. “What? What for?”

“Well, we found some gemstones back when we first discovered the diamond dog city. We thought nothing of them, aside from the fact that they were pretty of course. Thing is, they’re lightly radiant and probably magic. Spike seemed eager to help, too.”

Spike also seems to not tell me something as important as that, Twilight thought to herself. “Could I help? I’m sure to find a place on my schedule within the next few weeks. Spike leaving now is also much a break from how I want things to be done, done . . . To. Be. Done. Tobedone. To-”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing... To. Be done.” Twilight gave a nod to herself, that sounded more proper.

All the while, doubt spread across Rarity’s face. “I wouldn’t call suddenly repeating a sentence ‘nothing’.”

Twilight looked at her, as she did. “I-”, she wanted to explain, but facing the worrying of her friend she couldn’t help but say instead: “I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. My schedule won’t be completely ruined if Spike is absent for a day, although I would prefer to be told such a thing more than just a few hours beforehand.”

“It’s something that came up rather shortly,” Rarity answered as Twilight started moving again, if her schedule was going to change all she needed to do was adapt quickly. “Also, Twilight, you don’t mind me getting your help with those stones once I’m done with them?”

“No. You can always count on me, even though . . . Now that I think about it, I never thought you were into research.”

Rarity giggled, “We all have quirks we try to keep hidden. You have yours and I have mine.”

Twilight took a moment before she nodded. It was a truth she had come to accept. “Still, maybe a night alone might actually bring me forward. I’m still feeling kinda directionless.”

Rarity blinked at that. “Well, at least I can assure you that you look better nowadays.”

Twilight nodded. “And I feel better, too. I mean, the first night Spike tucked me in felt kinda weird actually, waking up with the sunlight actually touching my face . . . I panicked, yes, but I actually felt much more relaxed than I had in a long while. It’s just, while playing around is certainly unwinding, right now that’s all there is to it. It’s not really what I wanted.”

“What did you want with it, then? You are able to get through your day with more ease now, aren’t you,” Rarity asked, her eyes fixed on her friend.

“I am, I do, but every morning I ask myself what I’m doing with all this and I just can’t find the answer,” and there’s a voice in my head screaming at me of how wrong I pronounce every word.

Rarity looked at her, Rarity smiled at her. It was the way she was. The unicorn with the mane of indigo had become her confidant, the one pony she could tell everything. Still, Twilight felt that she couldn’t, or rather shouldn’t talk about every single problem. Ulitmately she was the one who had to fix her own mess. Spike helped her, Rarity helped her, but she was the one who had to do the actual work, the only one with an access to her own mind.

“Well, then it really might be a blessing. Just you, all alone for one night. Maybe you can sort everything out.”

“I hope,” Twilight answered, though she did not know whether she felt actually good with that thought in mind.

They parted their way soon after, by one of the bridges, with Rarity turning left towards her home and Twilight turning right towards hers. The day would end soon enough, they had a habit of doing that during winter. It had been a short day for her, too, which only added to her feeling not all that well when she entered through the front door.

The library was empty.

Spike had decided to stay over at Rarity’s place for the night and Twilight found herself on her own in the library. She remembered a time where she would not have bothered, simply grabbed a book and started reading. Right now she didn’t feel in the mood for reading though. She still tried to walk by the shelves, hoping to maybe find a good piece of literature. She didn’t find anything that piqued her interest right now and so she decided to go into the kitchen, only to turn around the moment she entered. She walked up the stairs, to her bed, piqued a quill and her Nightbook, not really thinking.

Over the past few days the first few pages had filled themselves, one page each day, depicting her very own emotional whirlpool. As every day, she ignored what she had written before and put the quill on the paper to describe how she felt right now, she let the words pour for ten minutes or so before she retracted, looked at the book until she was sure the ink was dry and then closed it again. The sun was still moving.

She decided to pick up a few of Spike’s toys, playing around with them for a bit, but they could only hold her attention for so long.

What am I doing?

For some reason she felt like crying, letting her down. All she felt like doing at this moment was staring at the ground and asking herself the same question over and over again.

Snow was falling outside and she was going to spend this whole night like this, she thought. A bitter smile twisted her mouth. The last days of autumn she had always tried to make room for Spike, for their games, hoping that she would get better. Sometimes she woke up and couldn’t properly lift the covers, because no matter how she grabbed them it felt wrong, the problem with speech was getting worse, too. She didn’t feel sleepy, stressed out, but those things hadn’t really been problems of priority, anyway. There was a line between simple perfectionism and trying to do everything correct. Twilight had to wonder when she had crossed that line and if she’d ever get back to it. Above all else, she wondered how. Was she doing the right thing? Was she doing it properly? Was there a way to do it properly?

Do what properly, exactly?

She didn’t know and no matter how much she thought about it, she still felt like she was falling, like the sky was so far away. She looked at the figurines and then just shook her head. Chances were she wouldn’t find her answer today. She resigned herself to that and decided to just crawl into her bed and let the day be done with. Nothing could go wrong then.

A knock came from the door at that moment. Twilight’s head lifted itself up and her body followed. Her train of thought broken she simply moved down the stairs. Was it Spike? Had he decided to not stay at Rarity’s? Rarity herself? She doubted it, they were doing stuff that had sounded important. Chances were they weren’t even thinking about her. Her thoughts turned to Applejack, but she was busy with family business, as every winter. Her thoughts turned to Fluttershy. Opening the door and seeing that kind hearted smile would’ve lifted her spirits immensely. If she had found the strength to come over, then that would’ve made this whole mess of an evening actually good. It couldn’t be, Twilight mused, figuring that the other pony was occupied, too. Everypony was.

She was up by the door as the knocking came again and opened the door. A sure smile greeted Twilight and she saw snow melting in the other pony’s mane, while a pair of saddlebags rested on her back. She seemed utterly done from a day of hard work, but still managed to stand tall, as always. Twilight blinked as Rainbow Dash greeted her with an ever-informal: “Yo, Twilight.”

“RD? What do you want here?”

“Just checking up on my friend, mind if I come in?”

Twilight blinked once more and then showed the rainbow-maned pegasus in. She just looked at her. It had been quite a while since she had seen Rainbow Dash, now that she thought about it. Any question regarding that, however was answered with Rainbow Dash’s next few sentences.

“Nice, cozy place you got here. You really start noticing cozyness once you’ve had to sleep on a couch for one-and-a half week. It was an old couch, too. The next time the weather department wants all team leaders meeting in Fillydelphia I’ll call in sick. They have no hotels over there.”

Every winter the department started out with a meeting of all regional weather team leaders, conferring regional weather patterns and discussing how the weather should go over all of Equestria. Rainbow Dash had went as a substitute for the pony who was actually the leader for the Ponyville group of the department. Was it Flitter? Twilight couldn’t remember.

“Yeah,” was what Twilight answered. “Why did you come check up on me particularly?” The question just came out of her mouth and she regretted asking.

“Because reasons. Is Spike here.” Twilight noted the shift in topic but didn’t object. Somepony to talk to was somepony to talk to and anything that would get her mind off everything was something she could accept easily.

“He’s with Rarity for the night.”

Rainbow Dash lifted an eyebrow. “Huh, so you’re all alone for the moment. Sounds neat.”

“It really isn’t,” Twilight said, cursing herself for being so comfortable around her friends that she felt the need to actually be honest with them.

“It’s not,” Rainbow Dash asked but gave Twilight not a second to answer, “Want me to stay over?”

When dinner came around she was somewhat grateful for that decision, what with RD deciding to handle food. She wasn’t good with working in a kitchen but she could do the essentials. Food ended up being something warm. Spaghetti, and Rainbow Dash the stuff away without so much as a hint of table manners. It was quite the thing to look at, too. Twilight sat there and worked them with a knife, not wanting to mess up anything.

They didn’t talk much. There were short bursts of conversations about topics only ever one of them found an interest in and long silences in between. The only thing Twilight noted was how Rainbow Dash was looking at her whenever she ate or drank. Spike always looked worried when she tried to everything perfectly, Rarity didn’t appear to care, being occupied with looking good while eating and Fluttershy always seemed like she was close to running out of patience when they were in a restaurant together. Rainbow Dash’s look she couldn’t really say. It was a blank stare, as if she was simply noting that Twilight did what she did, before she went on with her own meal.

It was unusually quiet, but Twilight still enjoyed it more than the silence before. She prepared the guest bed upstairs really quick after that and also packed the toys away. As night fell and they both seated themselves on their respective beds, Rainbow Dash couldn’t help but sigh, leaning back on hers.

“You’re overdoing it,” Twilight simply said.

“Am I? Before I got a house on my own I started working the rainbow factory. A simple enough job, I was one of the ponies responsible for the colors being in the right order. Really simple but also real hard. There’s a difference between the rainbow that comes out and a rainbow in the works. These things are hard to stir, thick with a magic that binds the colors in their physical form. You’ve got that and the fact that you need to let the rainbows in the sunlight for the whole procedure. Which means I had practically one of the worst jobs when summer reached its high point.

“I hadn’t had much of a problem with it, though. Everyday I could just fly home, short before it got dark. My arms were sore, my legs stiff. I was really happy to have wings back in those days. Anyway, I’d get home and often just fall into bed. It always felt like the most comfortable thing in my entire life. I mean, sure, my dad didn’t like me snoring from 9PM to 6AM, but to me, those were the days.”

Twilight looked at her friend. “Well, it must’ve been hell for your father,” she joked.

Rainbow Dash giggled, “Heh, he was really glad when I left home for good.” Then came a pause, before the pegasus asked: “What did your family think about you leaving?”

“Me? Everypony in my family seems to be ultra-responsible actually, so there wasn’t much worrying there, only pride. My parents were only proud of our achievements and I don’t really remember that many bad things about them,” Because I spent more times with my books back then.

There was another short pause, before Twilight continued. “They never really bothered when I was sent to Ponyville. Maybe there was a sense of duty there, that I was sent by Princess Celestia herself, but they didn’t seem like they were particularly, well, invested in it. They were proud, but not really glad or sad that I left.”

“Well,” Rainbow Dash said, “you’re a good one, so they were probably just not showing you their sadness. What’s better than parents being proud of a pony?”

“I don’t know, sometimes I wonder how is it to have your parents not always be proud of you.”

Rainbow Dash made an effort to sit up and look Twilight in the eyes, “Why?”

“Again, I don’t know. I’ve got a lot of stuff to deal with and . . . Don’t get me wrong, they were always supportive of me, but also distant. Like their pride was the only thing I could ever achieve. They loved me, sure, but Canterlot is one big dance, with everypony wearing a mask and trying to look as good as possible to everypony else. There’s a lot of stuff that isn’t wanted to be seen and one of those things is ponies lacking restraint. When I was first trying to figure myself out I thought that maybe that’s why I got into reading in the first place. There was a place without the rules, where I could be as free as I wanted. Somehow that ended up as the thing that got me the most attention and so I tried keeping it that way. I tried that and I tried being the best at everything.

“I always thought that if I did everything neatly, my life was good. I wasn’t going to be lazy, tardy or anything like that. I was going to be the prim and proper pony. A shining example of what a mare could be. Chances are I didn’t even start with books, my parents always said that when I was a foal mealtime was much more relaxed than with my brother and I outgrew diapers much earlier than him. They said I embraced every bit of growing up.”

Then came the long pause. What am I doing.?

“I might regret that now,” she finally said and looked at Rainbow Dash. She didn’t know how the other pony might react to that last sentence.

“You are?” The question was formulated seemingly with only curiosity in mind.

“Everything I do, I need to do perfect. Waking up, brushing my teeth, opening the door, walking, speaking, sitting down, eating. Everything. I find new things I can do better everyday, because once I thought that’s what grown-ups do. Maybe, I mean. I actually tried to fight it, go back to the easier days, playing with toys, even getting fed. I try to immerse myself but it’s hard to me, because . . . I never had those days. I always was the sort of pony who read books, who tried to be bigger than herself, better even. If I take that away, what remains of me?”

Rainbow Dash looked at her. Rarity had looked at her queerly, Twilight remembered, when she had first mentioned what she wanted to do, Spike had told her that they were tired, that she needn’t go through with it. Rainbow Dash will think it a joke, she will laugh.

“Don’t you have the wrong approach?”

“What now?”

“You’re trying to be something you never were, but you’re doing it because you think it’s ‘childish’ or something like that?”

Twilight looked at the ceiling and answered after a few seconds: “I guess.”

“You spend your entire childhood with books?”

“Yes,” Twilight answered immediately.

“And before you could read?”

“I don’t remember that. I was really young, then,” Twilight answered.

“There’s your answer then. If you let go of the books, of the perfectionism, of the trying to get better-thingy.”

The lavender unicorn stared at her friend then, not quite knowing what to say, what to answer. “What are you getting at,” she asked.

“A long time ago a friend had a business they wanted to quit, because they got some, let’s say interesting orders. I told her to not worry about it, as far as weirdness goes, everypony’s got their own. I mean, I was friends with a griffons and they aren’t really known for liking ponies.”

“Weirdness,” was all Twilight could say.

“You’re trying to fix perfectionism with regression, from what I can gather, I mean, getting fed sounds much like regression. That sounds really specific to me.”

There came the pause.

“Kinda like an adult foal.”

Twilight had never heard that one before and thought of letting go. “I guess,” she answered, “but, still. I don’t know how that helps me. I mean, I’ve been trying.”

“Maybe you’ve been trying wrong. For example: If you want a loss of control, you need somepony to take care of you.”

“Well,” she said, “me and Spike kinda changed roles for a day.”

“And that didn’t work, right?” Rainbow Dash seemed to crack a smile as Twilight nodded in agreement. Right now, they could be honest with each other.

“A month before my trip to fly camp, where I met Fluttershy, I fell sick for a week. Like, I was bed bound for the whole time. Around that time I already was friends with Gilda, though and I tried to play up my toughness around everypony, even my dad. So, for this whole week I was suddenly completely dependant on him. I forgot what it was I had, but I could only eat soup because I was so weak and even going to the bathroom had become a pretty much impossible task. I wet the bed once when I slept and once while I was awake and my father immediately decided to get me some, let’s call them utensils, to help me through the week.

“Him being a busy pony, me being a rebellious daughter we weren’t really close at that time. He’d always do things on his own and I’d only see him before work, when he was getting ready to do his thing, and after, when he was too exhausted to even think about me. So, suddenly things got really intimate and the first two days were horrible for either of us. Changing diapers wasn’t really what he had expected to do again and I didn’t feel too wonderful about the thought of being a ‘baby’ again. However, by the third day I found myself happy when he’d come back from work and immediately looked after me, made sure I was alright, asked me how my day was. At that time I tried to be a full-grown pony, all independent and strong but when it came down to it, it was the affection my father gave me for a week that might’ve helped me more to become the pony I am today.”

Twilight took the story in, looked around her room while it was spoken. It was a plain room, yet comfortable, familiar. A good room. She thought about when she was sick and how her mother would gently hover over her and tell her that everything would be fine. She remembered Cadance coming over despite her parents that ‘Twilight was already asleep in her bed’, not even asking to be payed, just so she could watch over the filly.

She remembered how Celestia would tell bedtime stories to her and Spike, all from her own head, telling them the ‘real histories’ of Equestria. Then she looked at Rainbow Dash again. “So you mean...”

“I mean that you should probably find a party that’d be willing to take care of you when you try your regression thingy.”

The unicorn let that sink in for a moment, before she asked: “Why are you telling me all this?”

“As far as weirdness goes, everypony’s got their own. And me? I’m just a loyal friend who can’t stand the ponies she likes falling to some psychosis.”

V. Eros

A moment of silence passed then.

“I hadn’t expected you of all ponies to say something like that,” Twilight said, sighing, “or that you were that good at analysing other ponies.”

Rainbow Dash giggled, “I’m not an egghead like you, but I like talking to ponies. There’s a lot in books I admit, but personalities are way more awesome.”

Twilight nodded. There was a truth in that and if anything, personalities could be nothing like a pony expected. With that she let night come, though she did find no sleep at first. Her thoughts were practically drifting across all of Equestria. Would something like a ‘Caretaker’ really help? Was this whole playing foal even the right way to go about her perfection problem? What was she doing? Silence came and after a while the loud snoring of Rainbow Dash rose. Twilight could only take it for so long before she went for her pacifier and stuffed it right into Rainbow Dash’s mouth. The ensuing quiet suddenly made her understand why Spike loved doing that so much. Still, she went back to her bed and she tried thinking. A suckling noise came from the guest’s bed.

If she left all those things that made her her behind, then what was left? She had thought that the answer to that had been a simple: “Nothing.” Somehow Rainbow Dash’s appearance had shaken her resolve on that matter. She had spread herself out beneath her sheets, staring at the ceiling, the light of the moon and the stars falling into the room just the way she liked it.

Had she just wanted to believe that nothing else was there? She wasn’t quite sure, but she drifted off to sleep nonetheless. Her room was exchanged with a field,the snoring of Rainbow Dash ended and instead a queer nothingness of sound came to her. Twilight recognized where she was standing. White towers went up into the air all around her, with roofs of many colors. The Canterlot Playground.

Her own hooves were tiny things, or was everything around her just that big? She didn’t know. There was a sandbox she saw, a seesaw, a climbing frame. She had often walked past this thing, so she knew the shapes and how they stood. She took her steps towards them now, maybe for the first time. She stared at the frame then, seeing how it was made up of tiny letters and numbers, she turned around and so was the seesaw. The sandbox, too. Every grain of sand in it was a letter. It was a sandbox worth of letters and a library worth of words. She went towards it and touched it, lifted some up into the air and let it fall down, off her hoof and onto the ground, where the letters took shape. They formed real words now, spreading across paper, a binding seemingly lifting itself out of the sand. The sand was still trickling down her hoof and then rain fell past. Tiny drops touching the ground, the grass, the letters it was made of. Words came, then books, a field of them. Twilight saw the playground vanishing. For some reason she wanted to yell: “No!”

She couldn’t instead something picked her up by her neck. She wondered who? Was it her mother? She turned her eyes but what she saw wasn’t some pony she had known. This one had a coat of lavender and her mane was purple with streaks of a lighter color in it.

Twilight opened her mouth, she still felt the filly’s coat on her teeth and so she looked down but found only another book. There were lists in it and things she needed to do. So many things and the clock by her side told her that she didn’t have the time. She frowned, stood up and galloped.

Spike reigned her in, yet he didn’t. Spike wasn’t here. Spike was gone.

Spike wouldn’t come back.

Suddenly she was alone, pages from books coming down by her side like two giant waterfalls. She didn’t know from where they came or where they went. She stared at them for a while and then looked forward. The pages were forming a corridor and there was something at the end. She walked and she didn’t know for how long she did that. Her legs felt weak by the end and she wanted to rest. Yet the room waited at the end. A big, black room with nothing inside.

Twilight blinked.

A village, rain falling down from a black sky and a pair of swings standing there, lonely as they were. She looked at them, not feeling the rain, not hearing the train approaching. Not at first at least. The train. I have to catch the train. The swings were waiting. Should she? Once? Twice? The train might wait for her if she took this moment.

She stepped towards the swings and the sound of the approaching train became louder.

“We need to go,” she heard a voice and turned around.

Twilight looked at herself, yet looked at a pony she had never known. A mare whose coat was of a pale lavender and her mane was white and falling out. Her cheekbones were like swords, trying to cleave through her cheeks and the ribs were clear on her body. Her legs looked strained and were shaking. Yet this Twilight looked at the Twilight who dreamt and stated with a firm voice: “You need to wake up. There’s things that need to be done. Schedules, plans.”

Pages from a book were falling, a book with a week worth of writing in it and the swings were waiting as Twilight stood in the rain, unfeeling. “I don’t want to,” she said as she walked towards herself, towards the train and away from the swings. “I want to play,” she said as she walked past the thing she knew she would become and saw the doors to the train open. She wanted to turn around, to cry out, wanted somepony to help her, somepony to reel her in. Spike was gone, Spike wouldn’t come back. Nopony else was there. She hoped for Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow Dash. She hoped for Applejack, even Pinkie.

She walked through the door.

The only reason Twilight and Rainbow Dash got up around the same time had been because Twilight had failed to stand up correctly for about an hour, but she still thought it was a good start. The pegasus had never noticed the paci, having spilled it out well after Twilight had drifted off to sleep. RD made off after breakfast, quiet as a mouse. Twilight had known her friend wasn’t a morning person, but by Celestia, she had never seen a pony looking so grumpy while eating cereals. Still, it made no matter, she told herself, this was going to be a good day.

She didn’t quite know what kind of approach to take on this whole caretaker business, so she put it in the back of her head for now. The dream was all but forgotten and Twilight went to the first task of the day: Reorganizing her literature. One might think that she was shuffling through her books because of her problem, at least that’s how Spike seemed to have it figured out, but Twilight actually did it for another reason. It was a task that could go on for a long time, since the library of Ponyville was rich of writings. It was also a task that cleared her head like nothing else. Looking over the titles over and over again, changing something here and there. It was a small ritual, albeit one that was ruined by her having to re-check everything over and over again. The lingering feeling that she’d made a mistake was always there, biting at her.

Still, her morning went on like this, easy as it was and in her mind, Rainbow Dash’s words rang true and truer. Every time she was alone she had to do everything in a perfect way to achieve a perfect result. Halfway through the books she thought that it would’ve been better if Spike was actually here. She was aware that the young dragon had enough initiative to overcome her, even her own desire for perfection was something he could help her with. Twilight had to wonder if it was really this idea of hers or Spike himself, that could make her better.

Another book found itself into her hands. How To Raise Your Foal, the title said in some elaborate font. She had almost forgotten about this one. It was a moment’s curiosity as she opened the books, mindlessly going through the pages. What was she doing? That was the question that revolved in her mind. A simple little sentence of four words.

Therapy.

She stared at some letters, some words but didn’t care to read them. Instead, she just shook her head.

“What am I doing?” she repeated, the sound moving through the air, solitary as it was. Once more, she repeated it, each word coming from her mouth and then she understood at least why she posed herself that question. Because she knew, that it wasn’t for therapy. It was because she was turning weird. Or was she? It rang through her head but she couldn’t quite comprehend it. An adult foal, that’s how Rainbow Dash had described it. She had to wonder.

There had never been any swings in Canterlot and her own past had been one of books and lands of fantasy. A childhood that had entirely revolved around her own mind. She didn’t want to recreate that. It was a happy memory but there was one thing wrong with it. She wanted to let go of that child exactly because of that reason.. The friendless filly in Canterlot. For every good thing in her past, there was one thing she now understood to have been entirely wrong about: friendship.

She looked at the book and made her choice.

Minutes later she checked the front door again, making sure it wasn’t locked and the ‘open’ shield hung visible, so anypony knew that the library was accessible again. After the fifteenth time she had made sure everything was right and her mind could calm down, which was well enough and she could finally go to Fluttershy’s place. She turned around and made her way towards through Ponyville. The town was covered in a thick layer of snow. Walking past Sugarcube Corner she saw that the grass peeked out around it, while an army of snowmen guarded the patch of green as well as the door.

Pinkie must’ve been busy.

Other ponies didn’t find the snow so good. She saw Roseluck waving half-heartedly at her, a shovel for the snow resting against her shoulder. The only reason why Roseluck survived through the winters without getting a depression was the glasshouse in the backyard of her home. It was a well-known fact throughout Ponyville that out of the flower trio, she was the one who had her whole life revolving around plants. At least Lily was famed for attending almost as many social events as Pinkie or Berry and Daisy was rumored to have her whole basement stuffed with miniature trains. Unlike Roseluck, the two others also enjoyed the company of other ponies.

Hesitantly, she waved back, continuing on her way. Despite the boots, scarf and hat, she still felt the winter chill. It was almost like the windigos had descended again. Why did Fluttershy live on the darn outskirts of the city? Thinking about it, she and Pinkie were the only ones who lived right in the middle of Ponyville. She was basically friends every ponyvillian outside of Ponyville.

Up until right now Twilight hadn’t quite seen the joke in that, but it made her smile and that let her grumbling fade once more. Happily, she walked across town and past the last house and then the snow got much worse. The path to her home was long enough and nopony really bothered with it during winter. So she was knee-deep in the snow and had to jump to get forward. Between jumps she had to wonder how long it was until Winter-Wrap Up.

One jump followed another and then, by the line of trees that marked the halfway point to the cottage, she saw the yellow pegasus shoveling snow away, all on her own.

“Hey! Fluttershy,” Twilight yelled, waving during a jump, making the other look up. Fluttershy wore a green woolen hat with white bunnies holding orange carrots holding stitched on it, alongside a fitting scarf. It was very ‘her’.

The pegasus followed Twilight’s jumps, her head going up and down with her and she seemed quite enthralled with the sight, while Twilight just tried to keep the distance between every jump the same.

“Twilight, hello. . .” she said as Twilight finally came to a halt before her. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, you know,” Twilight began, putting on an awkward smile as she suddenly became aware of the fact that she didn’t know how to open the kind of conversation topic she wanted to open. “I just. . . Wanted to check on you?”

That seemed to work as Fluttershy gave a smile in return, “Oh, thank you. I’m doing fine. And sorry. . . I should’ve been going faster with the shoveling, now you had to go through all that snow. Really, I wanted to finish as quickly as possible, but I didn’t expect visitors today. I hope you’re not angry. You’re not angry, are you?”

Ever the worried one, Twilight thought and shook her head. “No, it’s fine. Good sport, this jumping. Keeps the body and mind fit.”

Fluttershy looked at her for a moment, not saying anything at first. And then, “Oh, you want to go to my place? I wanted to finish this first, but it should be fine. Nopony ever visits me during winter, except Rainbow Dash, but she tries to visit me as often as possible.”

"Yeah, she does that.” A pony could say about RD what she wanted, but she loved to hang out with her friends. “But if you want I could help you. I mean, from what I can see it’s a bit uneven, the way you shovel and I’ve got a perfect method to get just the right amount of snow-” She explained, looking over the white that went towards ponyville, only to look back at Fluttershy and see a somewhat discomforting look in her eyes. “Is something wrong?”

Fluttershy immediately shook her head, and then looked down, for a moment not saying anything. “I’m sorry. It’s fine, I like doing this thing on my own, anyway. Plus, I’ve got some zebraican tea from Zecora which is perfect for this time of year. Come on, you’re going to love it.”

Twilight nodded hesitantly, but relented. Tea sounded well enough and maybe they could get to the point quickly.

Next thing, Twilight took off her hat, boots and scarf, before she seated herself at Fluttershy’s beckoning. A pair of cushions had been laid out by Fluttershy in front of the fireplace and the moment she sat down on one of them, she let the warm fire crackle and let herself relax for a bit. This whole place felt somewhat homely to her. It was a small paradise far off the rest of the world. In one way, it was exactly how a home should be. Not Twilight’s way, though, since there were hardly enough books in here and it was too far away from any market to buy food.

Fluttershy remained quiet, for the entire time, only speaking up once she got outside the kitchen, balancing a tablet with a pot of tea and two cups on it on her back, placing them between the cushions. “It’s an old recipe from Zecora’s home.”

“The western mountain regions, right? She told me about them,” Twilight answered, looking at the artfully designed cups. White porcelain with rose colored paintings of flamingos on them.

“Yes,” Fluttershy answered, herself sitting down. “She said that it was close to a forest much like the Everfree. The leaves for this tea actually come from a very rare plant. If I remember it was called ‘the Lone Stranger’ in our language.”

Twilight squinted her eyes as she went through the catalogue of her mind to find whether she had ever read about this flower. “I never heard of it,” she stated.

“Oh, yes. It doesn’t grow anywhere but in that forest. She mentioned it was like the Zapapples up here in the Everfree Forest. The flower is magical, too and there’s only ever one of them in the entire forest.” She poured some of the tea for the both of them. Twilight looked at the liquid spilling out of the pot and it was quite easy to see that the claim of magic was true. The tea’s color was impossible to describe with an actual color. The only word that came to Twilight’s mind as she looked at it was ‘delicious’, and obviously that wasn’t a color. She didn’t linger on the thought, since it made her head hurt.

Fluttershy gave a smile, as she looked at the tea, settling down within the cups. “The legend says that the plant is actually a common grass in the lands of the dead. There was a zebra that died, a long, long time ago and he went into the world beyond. Arriving there, he was greeted by all the friends and tribe members that had died before him, all telling him how happy they were that he could stay with them now. But the lone zebra had a loved one in the realm he’d left behind and so he walked away from the lost ones, telling them how he wouldn’t leave the friends and the people he loved behind. He refused to die before any of them.

“So he ventured out into the never ending grasslands, to where the other dead rested. He met the gryphons and they couldn’t tell him the way out. He met the minotaurs, and they couldn’t tell him the way out. He met the ponies, and they couldn’t tell him the way out. He met the dragons, and they never laughed at his quest, telling him to accept his fate, since others take a lesson from it and those lessons were important.

But the zebra ignored them and moved on, until he came to a small pond, with grass around it and a tree by its side. A fox was fishing there and looked him straight in the eyes, as he asked for his way out: “It is good that you don’t give up, but the dead don’t breathe anymore. The dead don’t need sleep and the dead don’t need food, my friend. I am sorry, but the dead don’t need time, either and wherever you come from, chances are its long since withered away and all those you knew have already come to see the rest of your tribe. You should go back and if you want to go to them.”

Twilight picked up her tea, it was still hot, she knew, so she took the moment to ask: “Did he turn back?”

“He pondered it and he did so for centuries, since time is not a concept for the dead. He pondered for a long time, before he asked: “If the dead don’t need food, why are you fishing?” The fox didn’t answer that and so the zebra decided, that maybe food was something that was for the dead and maybe, if they could try to eat, they could try to die again, so that they’d reach our plane once more. He bid the fox to build him a grave made of common grass, before stepped into the pond to drown himself.”

Fluttershy paused and took a sip from her cup. Twilight could tell from a glance that she didn’t want to continue the tale. She herself looked at the tea, again. Right now, she didn’t quite comprehend why Fluttershy told her this, so pressing her would reveal something. . . Maybe.

“Fluttershy, what happened next?”

Her friend looked at her. “He let himself go down the pond, on and on and on and on. He let himself go until he couldn’t make out up or down, until he had forgotten that he’d even jumped in a pond, but still he went farther into the depths, where true blackness was the only thing to exist. And then he hit the ground.

“He looked down and saw a sight most peculiar, as an old zebra stared back at him, just as amazed as he was. He turned around, seeing a tree on the other side and the light of the sun. Still, it was the zebra that catched his attention. There was shock written on her face at first, but then her expression changed to sad or happy. He couldn’t tell, but tears came from her eyes, as she opened her mouth and spoke her last words: “I waited. I waited and you came back.”

“She died there on the other side, his love who had waited for him a thousand years and all he could do was smash his hooves against the mirror in despair, not wanting to leave her again. He knew he couldn’t go back, since he didn’t know how to go up again. He longed for the one he loved, the one on the other side. Maybe the one who died hadn’t been her, maybe she was still waiting for him. So he smashed himself against the wall, the pond’s surface until he and the water became one. From the water, then, a lone flower sprouted, with leaves of a glowing blue that would wander the world to find the one it loved.”

Twilight didn’t quite know what to say to that, so she kept her mouth shut and took her first sip of the tea and found the taste. . . Well, she found it strange. It was calming, soothing, but there was something else in there, something she couldn’t quite put her hoof on. Her eyes went to Fluttershy again, who sighed.

“It’s a sad story, sorry. Zecora told it to me and I hadn’t had a chance to share it with anyone yet. That and. . . You’ve locked yourself away in your ivory tower the moment the snow started falling. I didn’t know whether I’d done something wrong or something had happened,” she put on a brave smile. “I’m really happy to have you here, Twilight. With Rainbow having her weather duties and all my animal friends out in the woods resting I’ve been getting rather lonely. If you got here, that’s a wonderful sign.”

Twilight nodded, still trying to get the story. It was about yearning for something, she figured. Yearning for something and trying to get to it, simply prolonging its appropriate arrival in one’s life. She shrugged it off, conversation was the key, not overthinking things that didn’t matter. Right now, she didn’t want to do anything wrong.

“Yeah. . . I’ve been making some progress on my method to combat my problem.” Twilight knew she had to handle this delicately. Still, even finding a proper beginning was something hard. Fluttershy was timid, yes. Fluttershy was also not very assertive, yes. Still, she was basically the ultimate caregiver and there would be no harm in asking her. At least, Twilight thought, if done proper. There were so many ways she could muck this up, she already had half a mind to just bolt out of the window, leaving Equestria and starting a new life as an apricot farmer south of the griffon lands, together with a small parrot she would name ‘Larry’. She would make an extra effort to train him, so that he would say: “Bow before me, mortal,” whenever a stranger spoke to him.

“Your method?” Fluttershy asked carefully, ending Twilight’s fantasies about a parrot with a god-complex.

“I told you, a few weeks before winter, didn’t I?” Twilight said but Fluttershy didn’t seem to remember. You kept it extra vague the last time, Twily, so that’s no wonder. Despite the thought, she gave a smile. “It’s a bit complicated, so, give me a moment,” she said, taking another sip from the magical tea.

She let the moment practically wash over her. The warmth of the fireside, Fluttershy eyeing her curiously and the tea’s taste in her mouth. The last wasn’t something she could really describe, but it did feel incredibly soothing. Putting it into the right mindset, she could liken it to a lullaby sung to a sleepy child. On a metaphorical level that worked. For once, her head seemed to rest. No fears of her mistakes, no adjusting of her failures. She took a deep breath, before she looked at Fluttershy again.

“This may sound a bit weird but bear with me,” Fluttershy put her head sideways at that description, apparently wondering what Twilight meant. “I am basically trying a sort of regression. Well, not sort of. . . Basically, to get through my obsessive compulsions I am trying to get into a mindset where I don’t have any control, a foal’s mindset, so I can, basically, re-learn how to not be obsessive and compulsive.”

Twilight blinked. How friggin’ awkward can you get? Her mind’s voice screamed at herself, but she tried to put on a brave smile. “As I said, it’s weird, but I think it’s working. My life is orderly enough so that I may do things aside from being obsessive-” Stop repeating yourself, “you know what, and I think in the long run I can achieve something.”

Fluttershy took a breath and put her cup to the ground. “Uhm. . . If it’s okay with you, can I ask something?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“What are you talking about?” The pegasus’ question was asked in a tone that felt somewhat unsettling to Twilight, but a look in Fluttershy’s eyes undid her fears. She seemed more worried than anything else.

“It’s complicated,” she said but tried to go the lighthearted route. “Basically, I dress up in a diaper and try to project myself into the position of a foal. It’s weird, I know, but as a therapy sort of thing, it works. I only have one problem and that’s, I may need somepony to help me with it. You could say a caretaker.”

Fluttershy looked down, thinking about what to say. Twilight wondered if she should press on, but, considering Fluttershy’s nature, decided against it.

“That is weird,” the pegasus stated matter-of-factly.

“Y-yeah, I know. It’s just to try and get me out of my current mindset, though. Spike’s trying to help, but, well, he’s more in it for himself. That’s I wanted to ask you, you’re good with the critters and you babysat Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, right?”

“Twilight,” Fluttershy started, looking up again. Twilight knew how she could sometimes take her time with things, so she gave her an encouraging smile.

“I think you should leave now, Twilight.”

For a moment she simply stared at her friend, surprised at how cold the look Fluttershy gave her felt. She might have said something stupid, but to upset her friend like this. “Fluttershy, I-”

“Out. Now.”

She didn’t feel like pressing the matter, she hadn’t Fluttershy seen like this since. . . Well, forever and she didn’t want to get into an argument, or anything. Instead she excused herself, emptied her cup and then went to get her things. After that, she faced the cold once more, only looking back once, wondering what had happened just now. You completely blew it, you idiot, she told herself. She had gone in too direct. Maybe she had simply not read the mood quite right. Maybe Fluttershy wasn’t as good a friend as she had always pretended to be, kicking Twilight out like that.

She shook her head at that last thought and trotted over the path until the snow started again. She used her magic to shovel the second half of the way free. Twilight didn’t even know why she suddenly started throwing small heaps of snow to the sides, she also didn’t know why she didn’t really care about the size or portion or where they landed. Her eyes felt watery, all of a sudden and then tears came, moving cold against her coat. She knew she had done something extraordinarily stupid, she knew she had upset Fluttershy and she knew that this thing she was trying wasn’t simply weird. It was quite frankly abominable.

That was right, it wasn’t Twilight, it wasn’t Fluttershy. It was this thing, this regression business she had wanted to try out. Rainbow Dash had been wrong, she had been wrong. There was no need for it. She could do it without, all she would need to do was fix this problem on her own and in a different way. All she needed to do was fix this in a perfect manner. Perfectly doing anything was something she excelled at. Being perfect was her thing nowadays, wasn’t it. Her wounds might start bleeding, her mind might break, but as she was right now, no matter what she did, she would always do everything in just about the most perfect way possible. Right now, she could do anything, fix anything. She was Celestia’s student, a prodigy and the Element of Magic. She couldn’t do anything wrong, she couldn’t fail at anything.

She broke down, crying loudly.

Twilight returned to the library much later. Her eyes were reddened and she felt exhausted like never before. By this point the only thing she wanted to do was cradle herself up beneath her blanket and call it a day. Who would deny her that, she asked herself as she opened the door. Inside she found Roseluck going through some books, probably about flowers.

Twilight didn’t care but noticed how the pony jumped as she noticed Twilight stepping in and turned around. Like a criminal who was found red-hooved. That was followed up by an awkwardly delivered, “H-hey, Twilight.”

If it hadn’t been Roseluck Twilight might’ve been worried about the reaction, but one of the early things she had learned in her time in Ponyville had been, that the so called Flower Trio was made up of the three most easily scared ponies she’d ever known.

“I’m sorry, Rose, but we’re closing soon,” she stated tiredly, not wanting to deal with another pony today.

“Oh, yeah. . . Sure. I-I’ll be leaving. Right now.” Roseluck giggled in a bewildered way. Twilight looked at her, not saying anything. You better leave. I don’t want to ruin my life even more than I already did.

The red-maned pony turned towards the exit, only to turn around once more, “Uh, Twilight,” she started but immediately shook her head, “Ah, you know what. . . Forget it, wasn’t important anyway.” With that, the door closed and Twilight was alone in the library. The sun would soon set on the horizon and she had no idea what to do now. Should she go to Rarity? Ask Rainbow Dash for advice? Applejack?

No, she had to deal with this on her own. It was her mess, after all. She seated herself in the middle of the room, looking at the books and then going to rearrange them in her own way. All the while she tried to figure out a new way to solve her problems. She needed to talk to Fluttershy, set things straight. Maybe throw the diapers out, since most of the clothing was basically essential for the winter. Spike would help her, no matter what.

As that thought came across her mind, the dragon’s voice echoed from the door: “I see you’re rearranging books once more. No wonder I always get asked why the books are never where they should be.” Though he said that, her eyes didn’t move from the shelves, at least until she felt his claw bumping against her shoulder.

“Everything alright?”

Twilight stopped her arranging and turned towards him. “Well, actually I-”, she stopped the moment she saw how his left claw was bandaged. “What happened?”

“Oh, not much. Just a small cut from one of those gems we found,” he told her, holding the claw up and moving it as to show that, really, everything was alright. “Anyway, you are looking incredibly horrible Twilight.”

“Well, Spike, let me phrase it this way: If you try to be perfect at everything, suddenly you make mistakes at the most basest of things. Help me arrange the books in order of weight and I’ll tell you the whole story.”

He gave a curt nod but even his mood was wrecked by the time the books stood all as neat as they could be and Twilight had told him of her day. Even though his sister told him that she’d fix the mess with Fluttershy, Spike would later go to bed without saying anything and Twilight would dream the same dream as the night before.

VI. The Crane Dance

Twilight would have loved to avoid looking into the mirror every morning. Sure enough, she only managed to do so once and it had made her feel horrible. There was a line between being a perfectionist and having a real problem. Somewhere in the past, Twilight had crossed that line, and she had been fully aware of it for a long time. Thing was, nothing she said or did made it better. Instead, it just felt like she had first jumped from the two meter board into the water and then decided to take the fiver and, for funsies, decided to go again. In this scenario, Twilight also imagined the water as freezing cold, filled with sharks and herself being unable to swim.

By this point, Twilight didn’t even really care anymore. All she did now was carry on with her schedule. The order gave her a sense of tranquility, like everything was right in the world. One morning or another she would suddenly wake up and start crying, telling herself that she needed to be strong, that she needed to fix this. By now, these were only phases, the intervals were getting shorter, much like the days.

The winter solstice was approaching and Spike was hardly in the house anymore. He had wondered about Twilight putting the diapers and the other stuff away, but relented. His mind had been somewhere else, with Rarity and with that cut of his. For some strange reason one day he came back with a different bandage that covered even more of his hand and then a few days later a casket around his arm. She never asked, she had been busy with something else.

She had always been busy with something else and like that, the days came and went with so little happening in between but herself sometimes finding a face staring back at her from the mirror, a face she didn’t even know. There were dark lines beneath eyes that stared emptily back at her. Did those eyes really belong to her? Were they really the eyes of Twilight Sparkle? She didn’t know and that was probably the worst thing.

She didn’t know what to do anymore, entangled in a web of duties. It was of her own making, to be sure, but she hated it nonetheless and with each passing day she felt weaker and weaker and soon she had forgotten how to bring her mouth to smile. That, she realized one night, where sleep didn’t come to her and the wind was blowing faintly against the falling snow.

It was during that night that she decided to forsake her night’s rest and for first time since her fall-out with Fluttershy just did something on a whim, stepping into her boots, wrapping the scarf around her neck and putting the hat over her ears, she went outside. Her hope was that Ponyville might re-ignite whatever fire was left in her and thus took to wandering the streets.

It was past midnight and everypony was asleep. There were nopony on the bridge or the plaza, there was nopony near Sugarcube Corner and Carousel Boutique seemed so lonely, pressing against the darkness that surrounded the town. She trotted through the snow, trying to keep her thoughts going, but every step was a new worry and she wanted nothing more but go home and resume her rest. Her life needed to be orderly, because otherwise she couldn’t expect herself to think clearly.

It was during that moment that moment a voice called out to her: “Miss Sparkle?”

Twilight lifted her head and saw the most unusual sight. She hadn’t paid much attention to where she was going, but she hadn’t expected to end up here, behind all the houses. A place where light was still burning and a pony wearing a cloak of green, held together with a needle, adorned with a ruby shaped like a rose. She also wore a hat, green it was with flower-like embroidery. The pony stood in front of her glass garden, a worried expression on her face.

Twilight nodded in her direction, answering in a tired manner: “A fine night, isn’t it, Roseluck?”

The pony stared at her for a second longer, before she started twitching and her mouth started moving. She’s fiddling for words, Twilight noted. Roseluck had never been a social pony, even a greeting like this was something she would normally avoid. It’d better I left, Twilight thought and made herself walk on.

“Uhm,” she heard from Roseluck, “how about you come in? I’ve got something warm to drink. It… It would probably help you sleep, too.”

There was probably something better to do. Think of the schedule. She needed to remind herself of that, any distractions were unnecessary. Still, she looked into the eyes of that red-maned pony and some part deep within her urged her to stay. She could walk on, ignore this ever happened and find a way out of her dilemma tomorrow, or she could try to interact with another pony and fear that it would end up just like Fluttershy.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I should.”

“It’s no trouble,” Roseluck said. “I hardly ever meet anypony up and about this late. It would be a pleasure, too.”

Twilight had to fight with herself, but suddenly, Roseluck touched her shoulder. The smile on her face almost made Twilight forget herself. “You look like you had a hard time. Believe you me, I think I can conjure something nice up for you.”

A garden encased in glass was what she was then led into. A small house made out of nothing but windows with all sorts of plants and flowers inside it. From what Twilight knew, the garden was Roseluck’s most precious possession. Most of the money she earned went into it as well as the bulk of her free time. She was only ever happy if she could work in her garden, Lily would often tell in the library. Twilight had never quite understood, until now. The garden wasn’t huge, but it was effectively the biggest part of the Flower Trio’s backyard and not only that, even in the dishevelled state the unicorn was in, she could see poison joke and over rare and magical flowers in the corners of her eye. She didn’t know all that much about flowers, but from what she knew, she could tell that this was an impressive collection.

In the middle of the garden was a small table surrounded by cushions, where they sat down. On the table stood two pots, a few cups and biscuits. Twilight couldn’t help but wonder.

“This seems like you were expecting somepony to drop by?”

Roseluck looked over what she had prepared. “Oh, the cups? Well, it’s just. . . I guess sometimes somepony comes around and I just like being prepared.”

“There are other ponies wandering through the night like this?” Twilight asked, staring at the ceiling, where sun crystals hung and illuminated the place.

“Not many, truth be spoken and hardly anypony does it more than once in a long while. Cherrilee always takes a long midnight-stroll the day before she has her kids write a test, the mayor takes every first day of every-other month to walk around the town at night and see what could be polished up a bit. Once I even saw Big Mac take a stroll, just because he wanted to see the stars,” Roseluck said, softly and slow. She wasn’t quite gushing but there was this smile on her face.

Roseluck had the sweetest of smiles, Twilight noticed. A tiny thing, almost too shy to appear in full, but at the same time so hopeful. It made her almost forget that Roseluck had just spoken more than a hurried sentence. She had come out on a weird night, it appeared. Still, she had to ask, “So, everypony has their reasons for being up and about, and you?”

The pale mare took one of the pots and started to pour two cups. “There’s a long story for everything, but, I guess the short version is that I adore the night.”

“And the long one?”

Roseluck gave her a look and handed one cup of her. “You may drink it, and don’t worry about falling asleep.”

Twilight nodded, “Thanks.” She took the cup and examined the liquid within, it was plain hot cocoa. Perfect for a cold winter night.

After she took a sip Roseluck seemed to wait a bit, but then began. “The long one is that once I got so tired of being unable to talk to everypony that I built a castle for myself and my flowers, or my loyal retainers as I called them back then. I still hated it whenever other ponies would notice my castle and so I stopped using it. I didn’t want to be seen in it, if that makes any sense. So I started going out whenever everypony else went to sleep. I quietly worked the flowers until one day, a pony came by and asked if she could watch me.

“I don’t know why, but I said yes. She watched me then, just digging and watering, plucking some leaves from my Griffon’s Wings. Not an actual wing, I mean, more a really rare flower from the lands to the west. Anyway, then suddenly we started engaging in a conversation. It was the first time I talked with another pony without any problem, we joked, we laughed and we both walked away from it happy. Some other night came another pony, and another, still. At one point, I heard their stories and I saw how entwined they were, like the roots of the plants in this garden. I noticed how ponies lived together and I thought of beautiful. I guess, you can see Ponyville’s face under the moon. If there is one. The snow’s only getting heavier these days.”

“Is it so easy, seeing somepony’s real face? Just talking to them at a certain time?” Twilight blurted out.

There was a pause.

“A pony once told me that life’s like the crane’s dance. A complicated, yet wonderful to behold spectacle that is both hard and yet ingrained in our very being. Nothing’s ever easy, miss Sparkle, but nothing’s as hard as we make it out to be either.”

Twilight stared at the stranger before her. That was all Roseluck was, wasn’t it. A stranger without any connection to her. “What do you know about how hard anypony’s life is?” She asked.

“I know that everypony likes to think themselves alone in times of trouble, especially once they felt betrayed, but no matter what happens, everypony here one day sees something else, too. This town’s real face, as I said. There’s an old word for what the ponies of this place are. A word much older than even ‘tribe’. The first word appropriated to ponykind. No matter what happens, we’re still a herd and we look out for each other.”

“Why? Why would you look out for somepony like me? I haven’t been here for a long time. I’ve only interacted with a few ponies and I’m not. . . I’ve dealt with everything in my life on my own. Accepting help from strangers isn’t something I want to do, because it feels like it would just be the same as,” she hesitated. “Giving up. . . It would just be like that.”

Roseluck nodded. “I don’t know how things were before, but you have friends here and if you think they can’t help, there’s still the rest of Ponyville. I just want you to know that, because if there is one thing I’m sure off after all these years, it’s that this town holds together no matter what. That goes for everypony in it.”

Twilight didn’t quite know what to say after that, so she let the quiet remain and sipped her cup empty, before she stood up and made to leave. She found some words by then. “Thank you, Roseluck.”

At this point, she couldn’t find any advise in what had been said and so decided to simply walk out to the streets of Ponyville again, the wind moving through her mane and the snow touching against her coat. She only walked for a few meters and then she met the second pony. Green eyes, blonde mane, orange coat, she looked at Twilight, first surprised and then with a serious expression.

“This is surprisin’, but fair enough, I wanted to talk to you anyway.”

The water beneath the bridge was frozen and covered in snow. “Looks like this winter’s big storm’s soon comin’,” Applejack said, looking down on the white below them. She looked haggard, Twilight noticed in the light of the lanterns and without her mane in a braid and head covered by her stetson, she hardly looked like AJ at all. She seemed so tired, too.

“Last talk we had was before the running of the leaves, right? Weird how quiet can get in winter, isn’t it.”

No answer came.

“I heard from Fluttershy that something happened between the two of you, but she also told me she didn’t want to go into the details.”

For some reason, Twilight picked up on that hint. It might’ve just been the time, her all around mood or something else, because the word ‘herd’ just went through her head right then. For some reason she told Applejack, despite her openness having been her downfall with Fluttershy. Maybe it was because she had decided on still not giving up. Though she knew that wasn’t true, by this point it more felt like she had finally given up, for good.

Applejack just stayed quiet, leaning on the railing of the bridge and letting the snow fall on her. Twilight noticed how little energy the orange pony seemed to have and some part of her wondered if this was right, if she should rather not worry about Applejack. The orange pony merely stood there throughout Twilight’s story, not moving an inch but only at the end. Then, she looked up to the sky.

“Normally I’d say Rainbow’s givin’ you weird ideas, but there ain’t no chance that you’d be so desperate as to try something like that out as quickly as that. Twilight, believe if I tell you I kinda know how you feel. The thing is, I love workin’ on the farm and there’s no place on this whole world I’d rather be. My family’s gone off to Manehatten but I wanted to stay behind. One of our barn’s needed a roof fixed and there’s been a few trees who needed to be chopped down. I’d rather work than go on a vacation. It’s just the pony I am. Thing is, the barn was fixed before the first snows had stopped falling, the trees were fewer than I had expected them to be and I just rotted away over these past few weeks, not really knowing where to go. To me, Tartarus isn’t a burnin’ fire, it’s a cold winter without bloomin’ trees and with a farm that works on its own. That’s how much I despise it.”

“I don’t think that’s quite the same, actually,” Twilight said.

Applejack burst out in a short laughter. “Yeah, I noticed that, too. That’s what you get for tryin’ to sound deep when you’ve been awake for too long. The thing is, I don’t have a solution for Fluttershy and you, only that you probably should talk it out when you’re ready. Judging from how you look and what you told me, you ain’t ready for something like that, neither am I. Sorry, I’m still trying to figure out how to get out of my winter depression.”

Twilight gave her friend a smile and put an arm around her shoulder. “Don’t worry. Everypony’s got their own problems and if the best we can do to support each other is having talks like this, then that’s enough. You’ll figure your way out of this and I’ll find mine,” she said, a smile forming on her face while tears started streaming from her eyes. Twilight knew that she wouldn’t find a way out, she knew that her Tartarus was carved from her own desire for perfection, it was always too hot and too cold, the trees always stood at the wrong angle and all the ponies didn’t walk in just the right way. It had taken her this long to accept it, hadn’t it? For some problems, there just aren’t any solutions. All she could do was write a letter to Celestia on the morrow, though she did not know what to put into it.

“Well, ladies, I might have a solution for your problems,” a voice suddenly said from behind them, making Applejack jump high enough to land on the railing and Twilight turned around quickly, her eyes widening and her heart beating rapidly.

Pinkie stared at them for a moment. “What? Is there something behind me?” She asked and turned around. “There’s nothing there, you silly fillies.”

“Pinkie,” Applejack said loudly, “don’t sneak up on ponies. You almost gave me a heartattack.”

“Ooooh, you were scared of me? How scary would you say I am on a scale from 1 to 10?”

“Wha-”

“Yeah, the scariness factor is really important considering everything, especially on a cold winter night. I wonder if the original Nightmare Night had a snowstorm? Everything is twice as scary with a normal storm, so a snowstorm has to make things, like, thrice as scary. Although you can’t-”

“Pinkie,” Applejack stopped her, putting her hoof in the other earth ponies mouth. “Stop.”

The pink party pandemonium saluted and Applejack slowly took her hoof from her mouth. “So, what did you mean with having a solution for our problems?” She gazed over to Twilight for a moment, before Pinkie giggled like some cartoon villain before explaining his evil scheme.

“Simplicissimus,” she said, pulling her friends in a hug, “with me being the brain of operations, Applejack hammering stuff, Rarity doing some fashionistic work, Fluttershy helping her and Twilight being adorable, we can end WORLD HUNGER!”

“First: The world’s hungry? Second: What?” Applejack asked.

“Third: How?” Twilight threw in.

Pinkie laughed out loud. “You ponies probably think that everypony spends their winter moping around. To the Pinkie Cave! I have plans to show you!” She gestured towards Sugarcube Corner and for whatever reason, the feeling of hopelessness left Twilight. She didn’t know why exactly but then again, Pinkie Pie just worked that way.

VII. The Snow Part II

“Y-you made this?” Twilight asked, staring at the papers, the blueprints, the plans. Her head was glowing red because of the implications of what she saw, but she also couldn't help but feel impressed.

“Yep,” Pinkie answered in a hushed voice, grinning widely.

No matter what happened, no matter how much time they spent together, Pinkie Pie was an unsolvable riddle to Twilight. Even now, as they stood in the pony's room, she couldn't grasp how much Pinkie knew, how well she understood and above all else, just to what extend she would go for her friends. Twilight had never truly understood Pinkie. No, the whole world had never understood Pinkie. So the purple pony settled on letting her plot fall on the ground, staring blankly at the sheets.

“Why?”

“Oh, Twily-wily,” the answer came as Pinkie ruffled her friend's mane, “you're just really bad at hiding that stuff.”

“W-What? No!” Twilight stuttered, “I. . . I-”

“Well, you told Fluttershy almost immediately, then Rarity, you hid it rather badly at the library. I believe Roseluck found out simply by looking up to your room, and Ambrosia decided to ignore the bib you wore three Thursdays ago.”

Twilight didn't quite get the words out at first, instead tried to calm herself down. “I- I didn't think it was something that needed to be kept hidden all to well. It's a therapy method.”

She didn't dare look at Applejack right then, but the unbelieving gaze still pierced right through her. At least Pinkie didn't care, she only looked over the plans: “For what it's worth, I believe you, Twilight. It's not just you, though. Everypony has their own lives to deal with and for a lot of them it's really problematic. Except for me, I'm a pastry chef. If you can eat as much candy as I can, you hardly ever have anything to worry about. Except maybe sugar-related illnesses, but who cares about them, right?”

“You certainly don't,” Twilight said, with a hint of a smile, looking at the papers again. “Still, this is amazing, and actually quite embarrasing. I mean, you know.”

“Yeah,” Applejack, she had studied a plan for room decoration and shook her head. “I get that you're doin' this for Twilight, but I ain't getting why I'm involved in this?”

“He~he, we're going to make this our own super-special secret project,” Pinkie Pie answered. “We spent most of the winter apart from each other, so this would really help us be together, we can help Twilight and I can finally get that mega-slide I've been wanting my entire life.”

“Wait a minute, sugarcube, you're just doing this for the slide, aren't ya?” Applejack frowned.

Pinkie nodded enthusiastically.

“I still don't know, I just find it weird how easy you found out.” Twilight said.

“Ya just said that ya didn't think it worth hidin', make up your mind, Twi.”

“I am making my mind up. Somewhat, I still haven't even figured everything out myself and now I know that apparently half the town knows despite me trying to avoid that.”

“Actually, it's just us six, Ambrosia and Roseluck,” Pinkie Pie corrected her, which didn't make Twilight feel any better. At least she now got why Roseluck had wanted to talk to her, so that was something off her mind, “and aren't you trying to regress to get rid of the stress?”

“Well, yes.”

Pinkie Pie shrugged, “Just keep it at that for now, then. No need to figure out everything before the story ends, stuff either gets too convoluted or too boring.”

“What?” Both her friends asked deadpan.

“All I'm saying is that life's a really long story, which shouldn't be taken too hectically, you need to ease into everything and give it all time. Then even you can become a crazy old cat lady!”

Twilight blinked, “Wow, you just almost said something profound, Pinkie.”

“I do my best,” her pink friend grinned.

Applejack sighed and took another sip of the cocoa Pinkie Pie had offered her shortly after they had come in. “So, you want the western barn for it, right? I guess now that we ain't really usin' it no more, we can arrange something.”

She looked at Twilight, who just stared at the papers. “You still unsure about all this?”

“My whole life's falling apart, Applejack,” the unicorn answered with a bitter smile, “and now I don't even know what to cling on to. I mean, look at this. Is this what I've become? It all feels like running away.”

Suddenly, Pinkie pulled her closer. “Oh, Twily, you're worrying too much. All we're doing is letting Applejack here build a nursery in the old western barn that nopony even cares about anymore; with me taking care of the decorations, Rarity making more foalish clothing for you and the rest is in spoiler-tags for now, because the best thing about a surprise party is that it's a surprise.”

Twilight stared at what was before her. Drawings of where what should stand, a crib of her own, for toys and that slide, that damn slide. Twilight couldn't take her eyes off that drawing, mainly because of the loop. Why was there a loop to begin with? What was it going to accomplish? Since when did you build loops into slides? How did Pinkie expect it to work? Questions rushed through her head, questions she knew would go unanswered. When she finally did manage to take her eyes off the thing, she also tried to say something again.

“Why are you ponies all of this in stri-” Oh no, she thought, knowing full well that she had just mispronounced the damn sentence. It was so easy and yet she still managed to make a mistake. She tried to repeat the sentence, but failed again. She didn't come to the next try as Pinkie suddenly pulled her into a hug and Sssh'd her.

“I ain't really takin' nothing in stride. I already told you, I don't really like this whole foal thing, just doesn't seem natural to me. The thing is, it's small compared to that problem. Despite, I get to do some somethin' again, so there's no harm done at all.”

Pinkie loosened the hug up then. “It's a slide, Twilight. With a loop. You can't question that.”

She actually could, but let it be, instead gestured Applejack to come closer and pull them both in a hug. “I don't really know what to say, but thank you. I mean it.”

“Yeah, Twi', anything for you,” Applejack answered, answering the hug hesitantly.

“This is going to be the funnest fun we've had in a while!” Pinkie Pie said a bit too loudly, as suddenly a cry erupted from the neighbouring room. “Ah, horse-shoes. Sorry, I've woken the twins, I gotta calm them. There's bed sheets in the drawer, you two make yourself at home,” she said and stormed off, leaving Twilight and Applejack alone in her room.

“Does that mean-”, Applejack started.

“Yep, seems like we're having a sleepover.”

The orange earth pony sighed in resignation and moved towards Pinkie's wardrobe, finding more than just bed sheets in the drawers.

“How do you keep mattresses in there?” Was Twilight's first question as Applejack pulled it out, but then again, some companies enchanted their wardrobes so that a pony could store more within them. Either that or Pinkie. Both explanations worked in this situation.

She wanted to help Applejack, but the pony waved her off, “Not to be rude, but I haven't done any proper work in a while, so let me savor this.”

So she did. Twilight simply sat by the side, watching the other pony prepare two beds for them both. The sound of crying subsided from the background, faded out to Pinkie Pie singing a lullaby. It reminded her of Cadance. Did she miss her foalsitter so much? Maybe she should call her up one of these days. With a sigh, she went on an her eyes went over her friend again.

“Applejack?”

“Yeah, Twilight?”

“Why're you really helping?”

Applejack stopped in her tracks and looked at her. “When I say that winters are killing me it ain't no exaggeration. When I'm not on an adventure with you ponies, or not caring for Granny Smith I need to work on the farm. It's my life, really, just that I took a wrong turn halfway down. I don't know when exactly but at one point I just stopped giving much of a ball of hay about anything that wasn't the farm. If I can't work there, I start feelin' empty and it's horrible. Last weekend I was drunk throughout, I didn't even care about leaving. RD popped by, shortly after that. We talked, we had a small fight an' then she went off in a huff. I guess she was right, though.” The earth pony sighed.

“She told me that I should find something else, something that interests me and this? I dunno, but we could make it like a clubhouse for the Elements of Harmony. I guess I'd like that,” Applejack told her, giving a somber smile.

Twilight giggled. “A clubhouse, isn't that a bit childish?”

“You're one to talk,” Applejack retorted, giving them both reason to giggle. A short burst of laughter Applejack quickly broke. “But Twilight, you said you only wear them as a means to get into the mind of a child. Are ya sure you want to go this far with it? I mean, Pinkie's plan is kinda over-the-top.”

“Well,” Twilight mused, “I guess I'm just really desperate by this point. Plus, Rainbow Dash talked to me, too. I think I'm making an error in thinking, though I haven't quite found out what error it is, yet. The thing is, I don't know how far I want to go, but this. . . I mean, it's a nursery, there's a box of blocks, there's a big slide, there's a wardrobe that'll be full with the cutest clothing and, quite frankly, I am embarrassed at the thought that it's all for me. It's just that there's more than embarrassment. I'm also really happy, because this is kind of like a dream. I expected you ponies to hate me more, I expected you all to react like Fluttershy did, if not worse, and yet. . . you,” she was whimpering by then, tears falling from her eyes.

“Twi, we aren't the Elements of Harmony for nothing,” Applejack said, putting a hoof on her friend's shoulder. “Plus, as Pinkie said, you're adorable as is, chances stand good that a diaper and a bonnet wil turn you into a lethal weapon.”

That got Twilight blushing intensely. “I-I don't, I'm not.”

“You're gettin' flustered really easy tonight, aren't ya?”

The salty taste of her tears reaching her mouth, Twilight couldn't help but laugh. After so long, just being with her friends made her feel good again and she truly felt strong again. Then, as they both calmed down and Applejack finished up the beds, Twilight got a good look at them. The sheets were colored rose and decorated with pictures of candy. It was very Pinkie.

“The only problem that remains would be with whoever's gonna play your caretaker,” Applejack said, looking over her work again.

“Well, I could ask Ambrosia.”

Applejack giggled, “I don't think that's a job she'd want.”

“You said I was adorable,” Twilight joked and then a thought occurred to her. I'm going to hate myself for this. “Maybe you could do it?” She asked only half-joking.

Applejack did a double take, her head reddening, turning the orange into some kind of tomato. “Wha? No, nonono- No offense, I mean, but as I said, I don't really think this is all too good anyway, and I can't even iron Apple Bloom properly.”

Twilight laughed. “You're not supposed to iron your sister.”

“You're at fault for sayin' weird stuff.”

“Sorry, sorry. I couldn't resist,” Twilight said, waving with her hoof. She's not the one, but then, who is?

With that, Pinkie Pie entered the room again. “Okay, the twins are safe now. We should go to sleep, too. Sleeping's a virtue.”

Twilight looked at her for a moment, a very long moment. “Pinkie Pie, about the nursery, could you-”

“Ssh,” Pinkie said, putting her hoof to Twilight's mouth, “No more words, only dreams now.”

As patronizing as it sounded, she ahd to admit that it was late already and she was tired, too.

So the lights went out and they all went to their dreams. Twilight neatly tucked herself in, every notion as perfect as ever, even though she did miss her footie. That thing was so practical with the current temperatures, but, well, she went to the land of dreams without it. There, once more, she dreamt of falling pages, swings and a baby dragon, waving her goodbye.

It was going to be quite a bit of time, until everything was ready and the only thing that made it worse had been Pinkie's reaction to Twilight presenting her own, flawless timetable.

“Don't worry, Twily, Auntie Pinkie has everything under control,” she had said.

Applejack made for the western barn, checking out what needed to be done, what materials they already had and what they needed. Twilight couldn't quite decide whether it was that she had slept, or found new work, but Applejack seemed a happier pony this morning. She would have liked to share the sentiment, but all her mind could bring up was how none of this fit into an any schedule. She had come to dislike this specific voice in her head and so she decided to go out of her way and ignore it.

This had mixed results, but Twilight didn't really care, because no matter how bad she felt, there was a bit of childish glee in the thought that she might sleep in a crib. She didn't even really get why she was happy about that. Either she it was because she could go all out with her theory or she was just weird in the head. When everythng was said and done, the second seemed much more appealing to her.

She stomped through the snow, as ponies went on about their morning duties. Twilight saw Allie Way moving out to get the morning post, only for Derpy to land straight in her face; she saw Mayor Mare starting her walk for the town hall and Caramel staring at the snow before his house like a statue. Like he couldn't even believe that he had to shovel all of this.

The sky was still grey and foreboding. The sun wouldn't get much of a chance this week, either, going by the weather report. Twilight wondered just what kind of storm was planned that they had to go out of their way for it this much. She wondered if she should inquire the Princess about it, but she doubted the Princesses had much of a hoof in equestrian weather. The system was too well thought out for that.

Twilight made her way through the snow, until she stumbled across one of the rarer sights. Rainbow Dash working. For whatever reason one of the laziest ponies in town had taken up to shoveling the snow off the townsquare. All she was wearing were a pair of wonderbolt-styled shoes and ear warmers.

“Yo, Twilight,” she said, waving at the purple unicorn.

“Hey, Rainbow Dash, I see you're helping the town this morning.”

Rainbow Dash grunted, “Yeah, the ministry's orders came down, says we need to prepare everything for the storm of the century. Means the roads need to be clear at least beforehand, so everypony get supplies easier, or something. There's a note on the town's billboard about it, if you can get through all that boring drivel.”

“I don't think the 'storm of the century' is boring.”

RD shook her head, “No, not the storm, but the preparation. I'm almost thinking about visiting my parents back in Cloudsdale, there're hardly ever any storms up there.”

Twilight nodded, “So, why a storm- wait, why. A. storm. . . Why a storm of the century?”

Rainbow blinked, opened her mouth but then thought the better of it. A long and ongoing friendship with Fluttershy had taught her when to keep her mouth shut. Well, somewhat at least. “I think we had this before, didn't we? The last few winters have been too weak in this region, so they're going all out with this one. It's going to be like the Winter of Windigos, hopefully without the death toll.”

“Hopefully?”

“A blizzard's still a blizzard and I think Big Wig isn't taking this all too seriously.” Twilight went through her mind. She didn't know all the names in Ponyville, but Big Wig was one of Allie's friends, if she recalled right.

“What do you mean?”

“She's got herself a tent, that's what I mean. Who'd want to camp through a blizzard?”

“As far as weirdness goes, everypony's got their own,” Twilight cited.

“Whoever said that must've been the most gorgeous pony in the entire universe.”

“Please don't get too full of yourself.”

Rainbow laughed. “Too late for that. Still, how did things go after our talk?”

“Well, Fluttershy can't stand me anymore and I'm now involved in one of Pinkie's schemes.”

“That's... woah,” was all the cyan pegasus could bring out to that. “What happened between you and Fluttershy.”

“I was stupid and misjudged a situation in the worst way possible,” Twilight sighed. “Worst. Worst way. In the worst way possible. Aw, horse apples, this is getting on my nerves.”

Rainbow Dash sighed, “So you confronted her about what we talked? If that's so, I guess I'm at fault, too.”

“What do you mean?”

The pegasus looked up to the sky, studying it for a moment. Her eyes seemed far away, then. Like she was visiting another country, deep in her mind. “Well,” she said, “she stayed in Ponyville since shortly after Flight Camp. I know it doesn't sound like much, just, she was still a kid by that point. I guess, she simply had a really distant relationship to her family, especially her peers. She never liked Pinkie's 'auntie'-schtick, she never liked any mares doting over her and she never liked to assert herself as the oldest in our group. It's complicated, but you know, if she did anything rude, you have to forgive her.”

Twilight looked at Rainbow Dash. “I didn't know.”

“And officially you still don't. Anyway, what's this scheme of Pinkie's?”

“I guess it's going to be a clubhouse for us.”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Yeah, I don't really want to talk about the details out here, but Applejack's working on the western barn to get it right.”

Nodding, the pegasus said: “I'll check it out later, if you don't mind. How're you going to spend the day?”

“Well, I had a good, long walk now. Haven't felt this- Haven't felt this fresh in a while. So, what I am going to do is: Clean up the library. I'm behind my schedules enough already and I should at least try to put my energy into some work until vacation time is here.”

Rainbow Dash nodded. “If you're going on a vacation, go before the blizzard and come back after it.”

“Yeah, that sounds good. Bye, Dash.”

“Bye.”

With that, she left the pegasus behind, strolling farther through the streets of Ponyville, where life started to bustle more and more. The blizzard was coming soon and now everypony decided to start preparing. Like the Winter of Windigos, Rainbow Dash had said it was going to be. There was a bit of anxiety within her, because some parts of history should never be repeated.

Rarity looked up from her sewing-machine, as the door to Carousel Boutique opened. Her mane told the world that she had been working overtime again, the empty mugs by her side spoke of the coffee beans that had died so that she might finish her work on time. Twilight had a schedule for everything, but it was at least a possible schedule. Rarity never had an eye for time. Her's was an eye for detail, an eye for art, an eye for fashion.

“Twilight, darling, what brings you to this graveyard for failed dresses?” Rarity asked jokingly.

“Well, I just wanted to check up on you, since I've been meaning to ask-”

“About Spike?”

Twilight closed the door behind her, leaving the cold winds outside. It was the third day since Pinkie had told them about her plans, and also far too long since last she had seen her faithful assistant. “Yeah.”

Rarity leaned back. “I forgot to tell you, didn't I?” The pale unicorn sighed. “He's with Fluttershy right now. He said that he wanted to help her with preparing for the storm. It has everypony on their hooves, this thing. Especially with that dreadful writ on the board. Cloud Dancer apparently chained her house to the ground, because of it and the Flower Trio has started giving everypony these pamphlets.” She held one up and Twilight moved closer to it.

THE END IS NEIGH

Twilight didn't even bother with the rest. Despite the artsiness of the three panicking ponies hugging each other on the front of it, this just seemed to go overboard. On the other hoof, that was kind of the trio's schtick. She shook her head at it. “Well, this is apparently the event of the winter now, so whaddaya know. Still, when I get Spike between my hooves I'll make the storm look like a walk through Candyland,” she announced, even though she was more annoyed than angry. “He should at least tell me where he's going. Now I just pointlessly wasted 2 hours a day worrying.”

Rarity looked at her, queerly. “You didn't schedule your time of worrying, did you?”

“So what if I did?”

The white unicorn sighed. “Well, by this point it's pretty much to be expected, isn't it? No matter, he's safe with Fluttershy and you can relax.”

Twilight nodded. “Yeah, I just thought something bad happened to him, don't know why.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Well, it's only natural. I'm also sorry. For keeping him with me for so long, I mean. He's just so helpful with everything, though.”

“It's not a problem, Rarity, really. He's fine and that's what counts.” She said that and took a look around. “Also, you're not really drowning in work, are you?”

“Right now all the work I do is similar. Everypony got some warm clothes at the start of Winter, I'm only selling mittens, boots, scarves and hats right now. At the moment the only different things would be your stuff and something for Diamond Tiara.”

“Filthy's daughter?”

“Rich, he prefers to be called Rich, and yes, it's for her. Apparently her room gets dreadfully cold at night and considering how pajamas are now a fashion trend he came here with her to have one made for her. I must say, if you took all of Sweetie Belle's stories, you'd think that girl had escaped from the deepest dungeons of Tartarus. For that, she can be quite adorable.”

“What do you mean?”

“I asked her if she had any specific requests, since the garment would be her's. She demanded frills, lots of frills. And she did quite the dance when I told her that I can do it.”

Twilight gave a smile. “Well, we could give her time and maybe she'll be adorable to everypony.”

“That would certainly be in Sweetie's interest. No matter, why I actually brought it up. When Pinkie came to me she said I could go all out with the designs.”

“Well, we kinda proved our fashion senses were nonexistent before the gala,” Twilight said with an awkward smile.

“Please don't remind me about those abominations, darling,” Rarity teased.

“Yeah, yeah,” Twilight answered, rolling her eyes. She looked on the sewing machine, seeing a light blue piece of cloth with frills, probably the pajama for Diamond Tiara.

Still, Rarity gave her a smile. “It's nothing to worry about, even a pony as talented as you cannot be good at everything. Nopony ever is. That's why special talents and Cutie Marks exist.”

“Yeah,” Twilight agreed. “Anyway, is there a problem with that request?”

“Well, I was half expecting for you to disagree,” Rarity told her. “You hadn't been all that comfortable with the subject in the beginning.”

“Neither were you, but. . . Yeah, I guess it's just that now I feel better, what with all of my friends knowing and even accepting it, or at least making a good show of it,” she said, although she thought about Fluttershy. She has her reasons. I still need to go and apologize.

Rarity nodded. “I have to admit, everypony is taking this rather lax. I guess it's just been the right time for anything to happen. This town gets ever so dull in winter, but as far as a changeup goes, I prefer this over some magic force attacking the world.”

Twilight giggled. “Yeah, it's definitely better than being chased by a hydra, too.”

“Or fighting a spirit of chaos,” Rarity agreed, before she looked at the cloth before her. “Plus, I have to admit. It's unique projects like this which make me appreciate this job all the more. I just hope duck costumes become a fashion trend in the future.”

“Next Nightmare Night, Rarity, we can all go as ducks.”

Rarity laughed at that. “Sure thing, then we'll all be adorable.”

The writ on the board said it in big letters.

Days until the Storm: 2

Twilight had no idea how to feel about that, but the sun had stopped piercing through the clouds every once in a while by now. She had often wondered how the ponies during the Winter of Windigos must have felt, cold and without the sun above. Well, truth be told, this must have been pretty close to it.

A lot of ponies had gathered around the board, with some of them commenting on this. Cloudkicker was talking about the weather team's effort, while Caramel needed to be comforted by his special somepony that the pamphlets were made up. Lily shook her head at the naivité of said mare, before talking about how she and the others had built an emergency bunker for a situation just like this.

All in all, it was shaping up to be yet another interesting day in Ponyville. Even for herself it appeared to be going quite spectacular. She had managed to get out of bed in just four attempts and had managed to get through her morning without looking in the mirror even once, all while maintaining the rest of her schedule perfectly. Whether the rest of the week would shape up to be this good remained unknown as of yet and Twilight found herself turning away from the masses with that thought on her mind.

“Uhm. . . Twilight?” she heard a meek voice call out from her side, the tone making her freeze up. It was too soon, she wasn't ready for this talk, yet. She took a deep breath before she turned towards Fluttershy, who seemed to find this situation just as problematic as she did.

“H-hey, Fluttershy,” the unicorn answered awkwardly. There was noise all around them, but for that one moment there was only silence between them. Twilight didn't quite know what to so say, then, so she looked to the ground. She had her reasons, she thought and gave her friend a smile.

“Do you think we could go for a walk?” She finally asked.

Fluttershy nodded, “Yeah, sure. I'd like that.”

The thing about Ponyville was that it wasn't all that big, a pony could walk from one end to the other in under ten minutes, it only got seemingly long once a pony stepped out of it and walked towards Fluttershy's place or Sweet Apple Acres. As such, you'd always find yourself surrounded by faces you knew. Whether it made talking harder or easier was something Twilight couldn't quite decide on, so she said it anyway: “I wanted to apologize for before. I kinda forced myself onto you and I should have been more considerate of your feelings.”

Fluttershy didn't answer, her hooves making that crunching noise as they stepped on the snows. She merely looked down and sometimes her gaze went over Twilight, just to hit the ground again.

“I've always been kinda bad when it comes to coping, so I wanted you to know that I'm genuinely sorry.”

“Oh, Twilight, it was my fault, really,” Fluttershy finally said, showing her smile afer a long while. “I'm not normally this brash. It's just, I like friends and family being parted, since with the former I have better experiences anyway. Well,” she giggled to herself, “it's not really a story worth telling, but you have to know that I was the one at fault, not you.”

Twilight looked at her friend, she looked so empty when she talked about her family. Now that Twilight thought about it, she had never inquired about it and a voice inside her told her not to. “Well, I think I'm at fault, you think you're at fault. Let's just agree part seven to three and call it a day,” she said, pulling Fluttershy into a hug, “Sorry I waited so long to resolve this.”

“Yeah, me, too,” Fluttershy muttered, but Twilight felt that her heart wasn't entirely in there. As they then loosened their grip on each other, Fluttershy gave her one last smile. “I hope the storm rushes through quickly. I think the last thing we need is another actual Winter of Windigos. The play always scares me enough.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

She, too, was hoping for the storm breezing through, but with everything going as it did, she thought it might end up the first actual scary winter in a long, long time.

“How much food do you have stacked away, Fluttershy?”

“Oh, me? I believe me and the critters can last up to three months on our own,” Fluttershy answered.

“Three months? You and the critters?” Were the only questions Twilight could ask.

“Well, some of their hideaways weren't really made for a storm like the one coming, so I'm keeping them with me and, well, when you care for animals, you always prepare a lot of food. Considering a lot of us are herbivores anyway only makes it easier,” the pegasus then explained.

“Okay, well, good to see somepony's prepared.”

Silence followed that statement and soon thereafter, they parted. The sky was getting grayer and grayer and as Twilight reached her home again, she had forgotten to inquire about Spike. He hadn't shown up at her place after all and Rarity had insisted that he had been needed at Fluttershy's, that she shouldn't worry too much. Knowing both Fluttershy and Spike, she could trust them and once this all settled down, then she could have a talk with her baby brother.

VIII. The Snow Part III

“Tonight’s going to be it,“ Allie Way said as she walked up the stairs and put her bags to the ground. She looked at the librarian, who took notice of her with a smile on her face.

Twilight gave a curt nod to the tall unicorn with the light blue mane before she returned to folding the sheets as neatly as possible. "Yeah, but this tree should hold out well enough.“

Allie nodded carefully, looking at the boxes that were aligned before Twilight all neatly ordered and labelled. "You sure you want to leave the library to me and Wiggy while you and your friends try out that clubhouse of yours? Not that I don’t want to ruin the fun for you, but she's not a very good housekeeper.“

"Don't worry. Spike's not the kind of person you want to keep around books either, and we managed for the last two years. I’m leaving everything in your care anyway. Also, I don't normally do this, but the keys to the cellar are behind 'Silver Lock's Guide To Key Making' in a hidden shelf that opens with the command: Fhtagn.“

"Really?“ Allie asked with a raised eyebrow. "Well, thanks. How did you find that one?“

"I sneezed.“

"Oh.“

Twilight nodded at the perfectly arranged sheets and put them into the box labelled 'Allie’s Bedding’. After two hours she had finally managed to get the materials for one bed into a box; now it was time for the other. "Anyway, I put all the scientific stuff behind the safe. Don't even bother asking what safe, it's too complicated to explain-“

"You mean the one from the old bank that has a connection to an underground network that once ran beneath all of Ponyville?“

Twilight looked up and at Allie, "How do you know that?“

The tall mare merely shrugged, "Twilight, I'm the secretary to the mayor. YOU asked me about that before.“

Twilight stopped in her tracks at that comment. She had often been to the mayor’s office, and she had seen her secretary quite often, but for some reason she only remembered lots of files, papers and the loudest typewriter imaginable. The she remembered how tall the secretary had always been. Twilight suddenly grew pale: "Sweet Celestia, I never noticed before.“

Allie Way rolled her eyes in minor annoyance before Twilight made her apology.

In the morning, Mayor Mare had come to her and told her all about how the library had to stay open during the storm. She had told Twilight that it was the oldest building in town and had survived worse storms than this. She had also told the unicorn that the main reason for the caverns below had been twofold: One, as an escape route for Ponyvillians in case of an emergency, and two, to rob the old bank, which had been part of the town hall. Twilight was still intent on going on a vacation and had decided that leaving emergency stuff to ponies who were better at handling stuff like this..

For whatever reason, Allie Way and Big Wig had been assigned to keep watch over everything concerning the library during the storm. Allie, being the pony that she was, had come over to ask questions and make sure that Twilight wouldn't give her home over to a faceless mare. Apparently Allie Way was another neat freak. A pony who cared about tidiness and the like, though she was more often defined as a pony of bowling, much like Big Wig or this Dude-stallion. From everything Twilight got, she was a really nice, trustworthy pony.

So, yeah, she wasn't worried about the library. She folded the stuff for the second guest bed. "Anyway, what I've been- What I have been trying to say is that there's enough room down there beside for the food rations, so if there's anymore ponies who want to come, they may do so. How long was the storm going to be according to schedule anyway?“

"Oh, it's a three day blizzard, with small breaks in-between, though I believe the breaks are chosen spontaneously so that there isn't any damage done to the town or the surrounding area. After the blizzard, we get a clear sky for two weeks. Theoretically it should be fine.“

Twilight frowned. "Theoretically. Blizzards are rarely conducted by the weather teams because of their violent nature, Rainbow Dash told me once that we hadn't had a proper blizzard in the last fifty years or so, because the last one wrecked the entire east side of the town. That we're near to the Everfree Forest doesn't help much.“

Allie Way nodded, "Yeah, all that wild magic can turn any concentrated storm into a deathtrap. It's a wonder our teams have it as well under control as they do normally.“

"Yes, though I guess Ponyville's got a lot of talent.“

"They are the only ponies who tend to run on schedule in this town. I mean, except Ditzy, but she's the kind of pony who works perfectly until rules get involved,“ Allie said, giving a sigh. "Not that she's a bad pony, but sometimes she makes me worry.“

Twilight nodded to that. Ditzy Doo was a phantom-like figure of almost legendary status amongst the pegasi, whose badflankery was only overshadowed by the fact that she couldn't get anything right. She was the type of Pony who stopped evil organizations by accident while trying to get the newspaper from the mailbox and once ate an entire field of poison joke for dinner, because she thought they were carrots. If put into perspective, she was actually one of the weirder inhabitants of Ponyville and that alone could say more than any lengthy description.

As Twilight finished everything up for Allie she also checked on her own saddlebags again.

"You'll be with Applejack and your other friends, then?“

"Yeah,“ Twilight said. "Apparently, Pinkie thought that we could all use a vacation so she made some insane plan that shouldn't have worked as well as it did.“

"Sounds like a plan by Pinkie Pie,“ Allie admitted.

"Heh, though I have to admit that it all seems to be going too smoothly.“

Allie Way burst out laughing at that. "Why worry about things going well? I'd say you should go ahead and enjoy the time everything just works, instead of waiting for stuff to go wrong. Less stress, more positive way to look at things.“

Twilight sighed. "Is that you being philosophical?“

"No, it's more Berry Punch after two bottles of minotaur ale being straight with you.“

"Well,“ the smaller unicorn answered, "I'll keep that in mind. The boxes are done, you and Big Wig should prepare yourselves before the sun sets.“

"I know, I know. Four P.M., storm starts. That should be around two hours from now.“

Twilight put on her saddlebags. They were fairly light for how much stuff was in them. Well, most of it were diapers and those didn't weigh much anyway. She had been careful enough so nopony would find out about them, but the thought that she had to travel across town with them still made her somewhat uncomfortable. She had to manage, though, and therefor decided to finally go.

"Well then, if it's two hours, we'll both better use them. I wish you good luck, Allie. Have a good time.“

"You, too, Twilight Sparkle. Live long and prosper, as they say.“

Nopony says that, Twilight thought but only gave a curt nod, before she put on her cold weather clothes and left, making her way through Ponyville.

Now, the town had gotten quiet, mostly. The noise of ponies had been exchanged with the soft tone of the wind blowing through the alleys, whirling up snow and throwing it right into Twilight's back. A cool eastern wind blew, forbearing the storm to come. Considering this entire winter had basically just led up to this one thing, Twilight actually dreaded it. Nopony liked the memory of the Winter of Windigos itself, yet every new Blizzard reminded them of the cold, no matter how unreasonable that might seem. With that in mind, she hurried on, past the buildings, up the road and through the acres, following the lines of trees.

Navigating the acres came easy, considering there was a path to each of the dozen or so barns. Sweet Apple Acres was huge to begin with, Twilight figured it actually quite easy for a pony to settle in on a corner without the Apple Family ever noticing. There were a lot of hidden places in there, too. Old hideaways, at least one forgotten cave and a fairy pond was rumored to be there, too.

Today, her goal was different and after the long walk it finally came into sight. Twilight had never bothered with the history of the barns, but understood enough about them to say that each of them could've easily been interpreted as a symbol of the bond within the Apple Family. The western barn, as it was called, was painted in bright orange with a red roof, and had an otherwise normal appearance. That there seemed nothing out of place here was that seemed most prominent to Twilight right now.

Was this why Pinkie had chosen this place?

She halted only for a moment. The cold winds urging her on and towards the gate. She knocked thrice, before she pulled her shawl tighter. The winds were picking up, Twilight felt.

Pinkie Pie had told her not to come here until today, since everypony had been putting everything into it for her. It was going to be some kind of surprise party, basically, and Twilight hadn't objected. For what it was worth, she had at least made a 'vacation'-schedule. She was prepared for everything, even Pinkie Pie. Truly, there was nothing that could go wrong anymore. Aside from the storm, but that was a natural disaster and if it would go wrong, Twilight hoped it would at least do so by design.

Her train of thought was stopped by nothing, quite literally. A frown started to appear on her face as nopony answered the door. Was this even the right barn? Had to be, she couldn't have messed that up. But, just hypothetically speaking, what if she did? That suddenly occurred to her and the color drained from her face. How could she repair that? Maybe start all over again, from bed, and redo every step she had made. That would do wonders and would lessen the chance of making the mistake by a hundred percent. But what if she got all those things wrong that had gone right the first time? What if no matter what she tried she'd still end up failing. What if everything she did would end up as one, big, giant, enormous loop of failures she couldn't escape from.

I could always drown myself.

That thought made her smile for all but a second. Twilight quickly realized the exact implications of what she had said and also, that she was fully aware of how it made her feel better.

“I'm getting worse,” she said and turned around. Nothing really mattered, she needed to find another way, another plan. Pinkie probably wasn't in there anyhow, maybe it was the wrong barn. Twilight was already so far in her own realm of mistakes that surely she couldn't even get walking from her house right. She needed to stop this, she needed to get better. First things first, though. She needed to get back to the tree and-

“Twilight, you're supposed to try to open the door. That's how surprises work, you know?” Pinkie said from behind her, Twilight could already hear the pouting.

She turned around and saw the pink mare looking at her with a thoughtful expression, she looked through the half opened door at her unicorn friend. “Or is this some kind of surprise where you were going around this place and surprise us while we were surprising you? Because then you can just ignore me and move on.”

The two looked at each other for a moment or another with only the snow falling and the wind moving the branches of the trees around them. A short giggle came then and Twilight looked down on the ground. One more, tears were coming to her. She shook her head. “Just. . . Just answer the damn door the next time, Pinkie,” she didn't know whether she was happy, sad or enraged, all she did was put on a smile and hope for something.

“Oki doki loki,” Pinkie said as she hopped out into the snow. “We're going to have so much fun.” Pinkie then proceeded to grin with her stupid, contagiously happy smile that reached from one ear to another.

Twilight gave a nod. “I've got everything in my bags,” she said, levitating a scroll out of them and towards Pinkie. “Those are the schematics for an ideal weekend, all scientifically and properly ordered. We should just-”

Twilight stopped. Somewhere during her talk she had blinked and that had been all the time that had been needed for the paper to vanish and for Pinkie to don a top hat and moustache.

“Pinkie? What did you do with my plan?”

Pinkie wasn't smiling anymore, instead she went up really close to Twilight. “I have one question for you, one simple question, so please note I'm wearing my serious hat and inquisitive moustache.”

Knowing not how else to react, Twilight simply nodded.

“Do you want to let go of something, or do you want to embrace something?”

The cold was biting at her, but Twilight looked straight into Pinkie's eyes, opening her mouth. She wanted to answer something, but her mind quickly catched up. How many talks did she have now? She had first told Fluttershy to have a solution, to go back to being a foal. She had wanted to leave the things that made her crave perfection behind, the worries of adulthood, the fears of failing at everything she did. She had done so with Spike, felt better for it, but had still wanted something more, something else. What did she want?

Pinkie Pie had an honest face, a face of a Pony who hid none of the emotions she felt in her own little world, all while Twilight hid everything away and had gotten away with it for the entirety of her life. She had always hidden away, played the responsible one, the serious pony. Was that why she had gone to Fluttershy to begin with? Because she wanted somepony close to her, somepony who knew her, so she could find something else.

What did she want to find? How deep did she need to go to find it?

“I don't know,” she finally answered. “And I want to stop that. I feel like I'm lost and I want to find my way back, in the end.”

The smile on her friend's face changed, to something Twilight couldn't quite describe. “That's fine then. Don't you worry, Auntie Pinkie can help you with that.”

Pinkie gave the unicorn a hug. “All you need to do is trust in your friends a little and we'll fix this, Twily,” said, still the happy sort, but then she added something, small, simple, but in a serious tone. “Everything'll be fine.”

The word came to her a second later, to how Pinkie had seemed to her, something she distantly remembered from her father and mother. It had been the way they had always talked to her, always look at her. It reminded her of how Celestia had treated her in her early years as the princess' student.

The word, or rather, the words for the smile Pinkie had as they entered the stage for their own unusual play, was caring, and Twilight felt something warm amidst the chill.

So they entered their new found clubhouse, and it was barren and it wasn’t very barn-y, which Twilight didn’t really presume to be a word, but it fit nonetheless. It was, as of now, one huge room that was mostly empty. The wallpapers were newly done, bright blue with clouds and rainbows on them, and a sofa of the most ugly orange stood right in the middle of it. On a first sight, Twilight didn’t quite know what to say, so all she gave was a somewhat disappointed sigh.

“That’s it?” She asked Pinkie, who in turn pointed to a ladder.

“Of course not, silly,” the pink pony told her. “You should go up first, oooh, it’s going to be splendiferous.”

Twilight tilted her head slightly, wondering what her friend meant, but let her hooves guide her up the skyblue painted rungs, only to stop at a trap door. Twilight made to open it, but halted a second beforehand. “There isn’t any pranking involved in this?” She asked her friend. Pinkie only gave her one of those smiles which seemed bigger than the rest of her face.

“Just go, Twilight, you’re going to love this,” the pink pony promised and with a sigh, Twilight resigned herself. It couldn’t end too bad, maybe all the work had gone into what had once been the hayloft of this house. She took one hoof against the heavy wood and pushed it open.

Twilight hadn’t really expected anything, so with that sort of expectations, she took those last steps and looked around the room, her mouth unwilling to close itself. Maybe it was because she had become far too used to her own room and her own order. Maybe her expectations had been too low. Well, maybe it wasn’t so much that the problem here was with her, but rather that it had been so long since she had beheld something that made her heart flutter like this.

The ceiling and the walls were colored in a bright shade of blue, it made them look like the sky, and many white clouds surrounded her. Just standing there was something that made her feel good and beneath the bright sky, the brown, wooden floor looked almost like the earth they walked on. It was an eye-catching sight, even though a missing sun was quite scientifically inaccurate. Twilight didn’t really mind though, as there were other things to look at. The attic was spacious, she had to admit. A wall with a door sealed this place off from the rest of it. It was a third, maybe half of the whole thing. There was a lot of room here, so she didn’t really know. Nor was she really sure how much she should care, because right at this moment, she wanted to explore this place. So she put down her gear and walked.

Beside the door was a cabinet, filled with clothes which were clearly made by Rarity. As Twilight looked over them all she could do was wonder how long her friend had worked on those. She noted that it must’ve been more than a week, but was that possible? She didn’t know. She closed the doors to the cabinet, the tall, white thing, and moved on. Beside the cabinet stood three wooden boxes. The first was cyan, with a rainbow across it and beneath where the lock was supposed to be stood in golden letters: “Rainbow’s Treasure.”

A smile formed on her face, as she hadn’t even thought that RD would’ve kept any kind of toys from her childhood. Well, some ponies were full of surprises. With that mindset she opened it, but didn’t find anything surprising in there. Wonderbolts figurines, action figures and some more stuff below that. Twilight didn’t bother to examine, no matter how much she wanted to organize the stuff in there. She closed it fast, going to the next box before her demons took charge.

This one was a fairly elegant looking one, with lacquer and fine ornaments carved into the wood. She figured that it belonged to either Rarity or Fluttershy, and as she opened it she more or less decided on the former. There was enough stuff in there to build a whole village, if not for the lack of doll houses in the room. She also found a bag containing colored blocks with letters on them. Her smile somehow grew, as if she knew she was going to enjoy herself with this. Twilight found herself weirder and weirder by the moment.

Some feeling in her gut told her that the last box belonged to Pinkie, that and that the pink thing somehow seemed to scream its owners name, metaphorically. Twilight decided against opening it, since everything Pinkie could contain surprises she would want to leave for later. Plus, the less she looked at things the less she would feel inclined to reorganize everything. That was the one positive thing she got out of this all.

The middle of the room was a giant, brightly colored carpet, so she focused her attention to the next thing. Which was a table, which purpose she deduced from the get-go. A part of her wanted to move on, another part, the one that won, wanted to stay. She stared at the table, it’s color yellow, the soft cushion purple with stars and planets on it. It made her wonder when she had last gone stargazing. . . Her mood faded a bit and she went to look down, looking at the thing she might’ve both dreaded and yearned for the most, but there that part of her lost and she decided to move on, ignoring the changing table and moving to the opposite side.

The crib had many cushions in it and the front side was unhinged. Dark blue sheets, with a starry sky, more scientifically accurate this time, rested on it and a total of four plushies rested on those sheets. The biggest was a grey colored whale. Really, it was big enough so a filly might hide underneath it, it might’ve been one of the better snuggle partners. The next one was a monkey, black, with big arms, wearing a colorful coat and a party hat, it seemed really happy to see her, Twilight mused. A caterpillar, green and orange smiled at her curiously. It sat on a pillow shaped like an apple so Twilight made no guesses to whom it had originally belonged. The last one looked like a dragon, an extremely knightley and well-groomed dragon. It was green with red wings and armor made of shining cloth, with gems embedded on it, which felt soft to the touch. Considering how much gems were worth in Equestria she was quite surprised they hadn’t used real ones, but that would’ve defeated the purpose of a plushie.

The next best thing was a cyan blanket, huge enough to wrap around her. It was old, worn and there was a faint smell on it, a smell she had only inhaled once but wouldn’t ever forget. “Rainbows,” she said out loud as she grabbed the security blanket and wrapped it around herself and let herself fall on the crib, her head resting between the plushies. Her eyes closed she simply felt the warmth of the blanket around her. She remained like this, thinking of the starry sky above her and somehow of how Cadance used to put her to bed when her parents weren’t there, before she left her alone.

Her eyes opened and she looked at those animals who had once looked protectively over her friends. They all knew, didn’t they? They all knew and were with her, no matter what. The stars were above her and she wasn’t alone. It felt like she had forgotten that. She had tried to escape it once, hadn’t she? Was friendship that bothersome to her, if it was her friends who stood by her side in this time? Or had the problem always been with herself?

There was a small table by the bed and she saw an object on it, weirdly shaped, black with lots of white dots on it. It got Twilight’s attention for a moment, before she looked around to the last remaining wall, finding a humorously large armchair standing by the side of a shelving filled with children’s books.

A part of her felt like leaving, another part, the one that won, beckoned her to lean back and look at the clouds. It felt strange, but not strange enough to go panicking. Twilight felt like she could relax here, forget things and, what intrigued her even more, figure stuff out. There were gears turning in the back of her mind, shifting and running, telling her to change things up, to do something else, repair what needn’t be repaired. There was also the blanket around her and her friends’, or at least there stuffed animals, watching over her.

She closed her eyes once more and tried to make a final decision, whether she should take this fight or leave. As she heard Pinkie coming up she made her choice.

“Thank you,” she said, lifting herself up, giving her pink friend a smile. “Let’s do this.”

Pinkie nodded, closing the trap door behind her. “Just. . . I never did this sort of thing, how-”

Twilight stopped her with a gesture. “We’ve got all the things here, just go with whatever you’re comfortable with and I’ll just follow.”

The two looked at each other, before Pinkie Pie lifted her hoof. “Sooo. . . If I didn’t want you to ruin the carpet, I’d need to diaper you now?”

The lavender unicorn named Twilight Sparkle, who was also Princess Celestia most talented student opened her mouth, while her head grew as red as a tomato. She looked down to the side, spotting the monkey looking at her. Now its expression seemed more encouraging, and considering how Pinkie Pie was the only pony whose social compass worked with a different set of magnets compared to everypony else’s. . . And this might as well be the only chance she had.

The wind was taking up outside, she heard it even within these walls. She couldn’t really say anything, decided to go with the flow, and nodded. Pinkie just looked at her for a moment and Twilight could’ve sworn that it was because the normally so energetic pony had been embarrassed by the situation, too. Yet Pinkie Pie was too much herself to show her feelings and went over to her friend with a quick step.

“Well then,” she said with the brightest smile, taking one of Twilight’s hooves. One mare looked at the other and Pinkie seemed to ooze so much enthusiasm that it was contagious. “Don’t worry about anything and just let auntie Pinkie take care of everything.”

She didn’t know why, but it felt comforting how her friend said this. Just being led to the changing table alone was felt weird and by this point Twilight wasn’t really sure how to feel about this anymore. Actually, she hadn’t known how to feel about this from the beginning. One thing she knew was that the blanket did offer her a certain security, that and the fact that Pinkie Pie was hopping again.

Pinkie took the blanket off her friend as they stood by the table. “You’ll get that back later. Come on, lay down while I get everything ready, Twilight.”

Twilight just did as her friend said, adept enough at diaper changes to know how to lie down and comfortable enough to not be completely crushed by embarrassment. There was this thing going on in her mind where she questioned if she wasn’t really too old to do something like this, whether it wasn’t kinda creepy for a healthy, grown mare to wait for getting diapered. And just what did Pinkie Pie actually think of all this. Sure, she seemed as happy as ever, but ponies could put on masks. Twilight figured that maybe she should just stand up and-

Her train of thoughts was broken as a certain somepony appeared in her sights. The red and blue eyes of the mule with the spotted pants stared right at Twilight and the face only seemed to know one expression. It was the face of a pony willing to go through any new experience with an open and willing mind, a pony willing to do any sort of homework without any complaint. Or mule for that matter. It was the face of Miss Smartypants, held up by Pinkie. Twilight made a quiet grab for her, looking at what could count as her first companion.

“You just play with that, Twilight, while I do my thing,” she heard Pinkie say and for one moment she wanted to look, but then decided on something else.

“Twily was fine, Pinkie. Twilight’s not the mare I want to be right now,” she said with a steady voice.

For a moment there was nothing and Twilight used that to look down, where Pinkie Pie seemed to be contemplating something. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m just wondering if Twily and Twilight are different ponies, then.”

Of course she’s taking this way too literally, Twilight thought, but maybe there was some truth in this way of thinking, too. “Well, let’s just try playing pretend, I’ll be the foal, you’ll be-”

“Oooh, can I be the big sister, who's also a spy working to topple the griffon tyranny?”

Twilight blinked. “I. . . I don’t know, let me consult Miss Smartypants, as she’s clearly the most responsible one around,” she said and looked at her doll. Pinkie moved in closer, eyeing hopefully while Twilight pretended to whisper something to Smarty, while also nodding in agreement to nothing said. After careful consideration she made a long silent pause and turned Miss Smartypants head in Pinkie’s direction, while also looking at her friend herself. “She says if you can finish diapering the little one, sure.”

Pinkie saluted to that. “Nothing easier than that!” A smile appeared on her face as she started her work.

Twilight looked up and let it happen, although she was amazed by the care Pinkie put into it. The way she helped Twilight lift her legs and how she slid the diaper beneath before powdering the mare, it made her feel smaller and smaller and even though her face was still red in the beginning, she felt that part slipping away further and further from her. Pinkie hummed a song as she pulled the diaper up between Twilight’s legs and somehow it let the last of doubts vanish. It was either this or doing something to herself she might regret in the last minute.

“All done,” Pinkie announced. “That should last a bit.”

Twilight wanted to say that she wasn’t going to use them, but decided against it. For one reason or another, she didn’t want to close any doors if they might help her get away from herself. She tried to stand up, though Pinkie’s arms were immediately there, helping her. Both Twilight and Miss Smartypants looked at the work done.

It wasn’t one of Twilight’s diapers, it was a bit thicker, maybe more comfortable, and it fit more snugly. Something in Twilight’s mind told her that she had done it wrong before, then and she had to do everything to keep herself from throwing herself into the snow. Focusing herself, she went to look up again, giving Twilight a smile. “Miss Smartypants you could make special agent,” she said, with the mule doll nodding.

“Woohoo,” Pinkie yelled out as she jumped into the air. Twilight merely gave a smile, landing her hooves on the ground again. It wasn’t her first time being diapered, but it surely felt like it, if only because this whole setup made her feel so little.

“So. What now?” Twilight asked, having already forgotten about all her plans and schemes.

Pinkie immediately held up a pink, frilly dress. “Now I’ll make sure my little one’s not going to freeze when the windigos come!”

Twilight looked at the dress, only to find some additional parts hanging out. She hadn’t seen a dress onesie up until this point, but it made her smile. It was just the right shade to go with her coat, she knew immediately. Rarity’s handiwork, she was sure, and it looked cute too. That wasn’t really unexpected, considering her friend’s line of work, and the front was a nice addition, too. A purple ribbon with a brooch in the middle, shaped like a star. Twilight wondered how she’d look in it, the padding between her legs only reminding her a little that it would probably underwhelm her would she look into a mirror.

“Can you help me?” she asked sheepishly, trying to get as much in the role as possible.

Pinkie ruffled her mane. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you cute cookie into your gears right away,” she cooed, “just lift your arms up for auntie.”

Twilight did as she was told, making Pinkie giggle suddenly. “Not with your dollie, sweetie. Come on,” she took Miss Smartypants from her, putting her on the table. “She can watch us, okay?”

The unicorn nodded, giving a small: “Okay.”

Pinkie Pie pulled the dress over her in one swift motion, putting her nose close to Twilight’s when that was done. “Who’s the cutest princess of them all?”

Twilight blushed. “M-me?” she asked unsure and her caregiver pulled her into a hug.

“Yes, my little Twily is the littlest, cutsiest, wootsiest princessiest pony of them all.”

Twily couldn’t help but giggle at that. “Most them aren’t even words, silly,” she told Pinkie.

“Well, now they are, your highness.”

She could hear how Pinkie snapped the buttons of the onesie shut, she only blushed slightly. At least the dress part of the thing was pretty and the onesie part kept the rustling of the diaper down, she could tell that as shifted between her legs, even though it was only by a little. The best part was mostly how soft it felt and she was quite sure it would help her against the cold. Her eyes fell unto her plushie. “What do you think, Miss Smartypants? Do I look fine?”

The doll looked at her, for a moment with eyes that were confused, then accusing and then, finally, accepting. Twily stood there and grinned at the doll, suddenly feeling more alive than she had done over the past months, ever since her OCD had gone completely out of control. She didn’t know why and quite frankly, she didn’t care. All that counted as of this moment was the fact that she had a pretty dress, Miss Smartypants to accept her and a foalsitter who would help her all along the way. Twily felt that she was finally in that mindset she had wanted to get into for the longest time, or at least closer to it. The excitement about it all came easier to her than before, than in her own home. Just go with flow, she told herself, and with that sort of feeling she turned around to look at her caregiver.

“Pinkie, what’re we gonna do next?”

“Uh… Oh, I know,” Pinkie said, hopping over to the boxes. “You choose one and I’ll choose what we’re going to do.”

Twilight nodded, but didn’t think about her answer. She wouldn’t allow any plans right now, all she wanted was to live in the moment. “The middle one.”

“Rarity’s it is,” Pinkie said and made a grab inside the box, Twily looked with some bit of anticipation. Then Pinkie Pie got the bag out. “These should keep us both occupied for a while,” she laughed.

Twilight let her eyes linger on the box for a moment longer before she turned to Pinkie, who now emptied the bag on the carpet in the middle of the room. Dozens of toy blocks spilled onto the floor. She stepped closer towards them, examining them like she had never seen the like before, while Pinkie smiled brightly at her. The unicorn took one of the blocks, it’s sides were green, blue, red and yellow, with letters on them in exactly those colors.

Twilight stared at them, not really knowing what to do. Maybe she did and just maybe some part of her still wanted to leave.

What am I doing?

That was the question that ran through her mind, the one that had plagued her from the very beginning but this time it took only one second to get the answer. Twilight lifted her eyes and saw Pinkie putting some blocks together, searching for the proper letters, before she held a line of five in her hooves, the word staring right into Twilight’s face.

SMILE

She did, thinking of a set of swings and how everything might just be the fun she wanted to have. That’s what children had, wasn’t it? Fun? Miss Smartypants seemed as curious as ever and so she decided to stop what she had done until now for good. She took one block and then another, trying to get a word out of it, some sort of answer, but instead her mind started working. Not the one that neatly wanted to arrange things for the sake of order, not Twilight’s mind, but the one of a filly in Canterlot who had once read about princesses and princes and their castles.

That’s what Twily settled on, as she raised the walls, brick by brick. Pinkie looked at it curiously as she saw that Twilight wasn’t aiming for a specific word. “What are you doing, Twilight?”

“I’m building us a castle,” she said.

Pinkie giggled at her enthusiasm and laid down the bricks she had held. “Well, I doubt there’s enough for one. But I can go look for more if I can help, that’d be super awesome!”

Twily nodded, “Yeah, Miss Smartypants doesn’t see a problem.”

She didn’t bother with Pinkie, instead tried to build a tower with what she had, a big one with observatory on top. It’s floors would be marble, it’s walls painted with fields and ponies dancing across them and she knew that from up there every star surrounding their world could be seen, every piece of Luna’s and Celestia’s grace. Next came the hallway connecting it to the main building of the palace, but before she had reached even the halfway point, her bricks gave in. That’s when she heard more wood tumbling onto the floor and saw Pinkie emptying another, bigger bag, with different blocks, these weren’t meant for words, but for actual building.

“Is this from Rarity’s, too?” She asked.

Pinkie shook her head. “Nope, it’s from. . . Mine!” She announced, Twilight nodded once more, letting one hoof crash into the tower, sending its blocks tumbling down. “What are you doing?” Her pink friend asked.

“Building something bigger and better,” she answered, picking some new blocks up. There were already plans forming in her mind how to build what. It would be great, with a hall for feasts and a garden with rare trees and flowers. A playground as well, with a set of creaking, old swings.

She hadn’t really expected for Pinkie to join her, but they both found themselves picking up block after block, raising house after house from nothing. From Twilight’s perspective, the blocks might have held no meaning, but the filly didn’t even see those. All she saw was the arch before the palace, the huge trees by the side of the road. What they built was a bakery, where the princess’ and princes’ daughters and sons would steal cupcakes and chased across the garden by the pastry chef. The guards would patrol the ways from their barracks over the walls, settling down in the dark corners where their superiors wouldn’t see them. What they built was a castle with four towers. One was an observatory, a second a bedroom for the young, the third was the library tower and the last one was for whomever to decide, who’d come in next.

As time passed, Twily lay down on her stomach while building, while Pinkie tried to imitate the sounds of machines while she was picking up bricks – and failed at it rather spectacularly. While the rising of buildings was interesting, there was something that kept Twily from getting as much into it as Pinkie Pie did. Really, she seemed to take this whole thing like an architect who was told to just do whatever he wanted with a building. Twilight found herself moving her tongue against her teeth, trying to do a motion with it, a suckling.

Pinkie Pie noticed that her friend wasn’t really focused and maybe her Pinkie Sense was telling her what was going on. She looked at Twily for a moment, as if to grasp what was going on, before asking: “Do you want your binkie, Twily?”

She blushed, but with nodded immediately. Pinkie immediately stood up and walked around to the crib, Twily used the chance to pull Miss Smartypants closer to herself, letting her get a good look at what they had finished until this point. “Do you think anything is missing?”

Still the swings, was her first thought, but then she remembered that they were by the playground in the garden, the one where a sole block with the letter ‘M’ stood for the climbing frame.

“Maybe a pond,” Miss Smartypants said, though it was just Twilight talking in a different voice. “Like the one in Fluttershy’s story.”

“That’s. . . “ She tried to find the right word for it, “a bit depressing.”

A lost griffon who had found his love again on the eve of her demise, that wasn’t the sort of story material she wanted to be reminded of right now. So she thought of other things, but couldn’t find any.

“How about,” she heard Pinkie’s voice and turned around looking at the mare, “a chocolate pond.”

“A chocolate pond?” Twily asked, but considered it nonetheless.

“That sounds like an awesome idea,” Miss Smartypants concurred.

“See, you should listen to the mule lady, Twily, she’s smart. It even says so in her name,” Pinkie Pie added, leaving Twily with little choice but to agree to the two. So she nodded.

“Yeah, I like chocolate anyway,” she said and pointed a bit away from the playground, to where she thought a small forest stood, “There it is.”

“Yup, right beside a magic tree,” Pinkie grinned.

“What magic tree?”

“Hmmm. . .” Pinkie made mock thinking gesture, putting her hoof to her chin, “Give me ju~st a moment. Ah, yes, how about one where binkies for my favorite little pony grow!” She pulled out one pacifier, brightly colored with a mouth guard that looked like a set of wings. Twily looked at it open mouthed and Pinkie took the chance and put it right there. Next thing she knew, Twily was sucking on it, letting it soothe her spirit.

“Now, then, there’s some guard towers left to finish,” Pinkie decided.

“Yeth!” Twily agreed loudly, losing the very last of her restraints as the pacifier muffled her speech and the diaper crinkled beneath her.

So they went to work again, building the castle and then in a moment of thoughtlessness Twily decided it would be funny to destroy half of it by having a giant mule with spotted pants attack the castle with it’s denizens fleeing and then rebuilding in a different shape, only for Pinkie Pie summoning the wrath of a monster whale shortly after the main hall was finished. Twily had no idea why the ponies kept on trying to build, but maybe their stubbornness would pay off one day. She put on a grin behind her pacifier, a smile that grew wider as the country established itself and slowly the world around it began to grow. The mountains of the crystal Empire, her bed, the griffon lands in the distance, the changing table, the catacombs of the diamond dogs that were the cabinet and the tiny castle of Canterlot in the middle.

The four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Crystal Empire attacked. Only the Elements of Harmony, the ones who protected the peace, could stop them, but when the world needed them most, they disappeared. From that point on, the story unfolded and considering how little she and Pinkie cared about getting any historical facts straight or how little they thought about continuity, they somehow managed to corner the monster whale into a corner and secure victory for the muffin republic.

The trapdoor swung wide open after a while. The two of them turned their eyes towards it, Pinkie merely curious. Twily, however, reverted back for a moment and felt her stomach turn around. Who would come here? Was it Daisy? Some other gossip? Applebloom? How would she explain her attire to the filly? What if it was Princess Celestia? And what if she thought Twilight hadn’t yet graduated from diapers? Would she have to go back to Magic Kindergarten?

However, a familiar stetson appeared and an orange earth pony stepped up, wearing both saddlebags and the face of a pony who had worked a whole day too long. Instead of panicking some more, Twilight simply remembered the four stuffed animals and fell right back into the groove. Everything was fine, she told herself, and nothing would change that.

Applejack, however greeted both of them with what was meant to be a smile. She appeared too tired to really bother, as it seemed, but at least her eyes seemed to spark with interest as she turned towards the overgrown foal. “You look. . . Well,” was all she could bring out and Twily gave her a wide smile.

Pinkie Pie nodded, too. “We’re playing some awesome games, Applejack, you should join, too!”

Applejack looked at them both as they hopped up and down enthusiastically. Then she shot Pinkie another look, though Twily couldn’t read the message behind it. “Huh, shucks you two are into this stuff. Is it really that much fun?” AJ finally asked, pointing at the wrecked castle.

“Ith alotta fun!” Twily said from behind her pacifier, and Pinkie nodded wildly.

“You should try it out, too, AJ, this is so much fun!”

AJ seemed to consider for a moment, giving the crib a really long stare, but ultimately she shook her head, “I don’t think this’ really for me. It’s nice to see you two so energetic, though. Means that this ol’ barn won’t go to waste, at least.”

Pinkie sighed. “You were worried about that? I told you, just leave everything to me, and it’ll work out.”

“Yeah, it did, didn’t it. Anyway, I’ve brought us dinner. . . Or is it din-dins in this context?”

Twily couldn’t help but giggle, while Pinkie merely held a sign with a ‘3/10’ on it up. “You’ve still got ways to go with your jokes, Applejack,” she said, shaking her head. The orange pony merely shrugged and made to answer, but was interrupted by the grumbling of somepony’s stomach, namely Twily’s.

“Looks like somepony’s ready for some good food,” Applejack said. “I’ve got some stuff in the bags to make some really good soup. Secret receipt’s still from my dad. He was the best cook in Ponyville and I daresay I’ve got more of his genes than Applebloom and Big Macintosh combined, not that either of them can’t cook, but. . . You know what, I’ll just go to the kitchen and in half an hour you’re going to be amazed!” She then announced, giving the two of them one of her better smiles.

Twily was already pumped and gave a: “Yay!” that made her spit out her pacifier.

Twilight had never seen Applejack cook and considering her headspace was 100% occupied by Twily, both she and Pinkie were quite amazed by how AJ managed the kitchen. The closest resembling thing Twily could find was that old pony god with the sixteen heads and 64 legs.She had never seen a pony work like this in the kitchen, but she considered that this might just count as another piece of the mysterious power earth ponies held. Not that she truly cared as they all finally sat down at the table.

Beyond the door had been two other rooms, one of them served as kitchen and dining room. The most exciting thing upon first entering this room had to be table. In Equestria, your standard table was build so low that a pony could seat themselves on a cushion and be done with it. Stools were found uncomfortable to sit on and eating from a chair was considered something the upper-class in Las Pegasus or very small foals did. So this table clearly belonged to the first category, the armchairs were clearly made in Manehattan and were adorned with the Oranges’ family sigil.

Sitting down in a chair, having your hind legs dangle, that plus her whole attire made her feel like she was sitting in an highchair. It made her feel little and that in turn made her feel comfortable. Pinkie even got her a bib and then Applejack put down the soup plates, the smell of apples took over. She could’ve guessed it, though the yellow soup also had pieces of potatoes in them and there was also a bit of onion in there.

“Roasted root vegetable and apple soup, in standing family tradition,” Applejack announced as she seated herself.

Dinner it was and a good warm meal at that, while outside the wind surely howled and the sun either already had gone down or was soon going to. Twilight looked at the spoon before her and wanted to make a grab for it, but just as she was about to, Pinkie Pie pulled the pacifier out of her mouth. “I hope you’re ready for you din dins.”

She looked at her friend and remembered, she didn’t need to do anything. She could simply trust Pinkie to take care of things. So she gave a bright smile and an even brighter sounding answer: “Yes!”

Pinkie ruffled the grown foal’s mane, before she took a spoonful of soup and blew it. “Now, here comes the Friendship Express; choo-choo.”

She made a long play out of it before the food finally reached Twilight’s mouth, but that only made her savor the moments even more. She could trust her friend and that was all there was to it, really. Something so small made something that had seemed so significant so much more fun. Twilight never had played with food, so Twily would take the chance and enjoy this as much as she probably could. The second run of the Friendship Express ended in a major disaster, with Pinkie misjudging her approach. Half the soup ended up on Twily’s face and the other half on the bib. Both she and Pinkie Pie laughed it off.

“Well, just because I’m the older one doesn’t mean I’m a proper train conductor,” Pinkie joked, still in high spirits as the tried for a run of the 2.0 version of the Express.

Applejack ate her soup quietly and looked at the two and finding herself not half as uncomfortable around Twilight acting like this as she had expected. She looked happy, without a care, nothing like a mare who’d spent her time locked up in her library trying to fix things that didn’t need fixing. AJ figured that it was that fact that made her feel good about this herself, another part wandered on. Was it really just that?

Finally, she made to enter the conversation, when Pinkie made to eat a spoon of her own soup, while laughing and only managed to spill most of it across her own lap. “You sure you’re up for this caring business, Pinkie? You appear to have problems feeding yourself.”

“Hehe,” Pinkie Pie laughed, as she gave Applejack a haughty look. “This is what playing with food is all about.”

“Getting most of it where it doesn’t belong?”

“Yup,” Pinkie answered.

A moment of silence followed and Twily took her spoon herself, taking a bit of the soup herself. It took a conscious effort to play out the clumsy foal who couldn’t even handle this simple a task and a part of her wanted to murder herself as the contents dripped across the table, her lap and on her bib, with none reaching her mouth. She took the spoon in nonetheless, just for the sake of the act. Pinkie gave a: “D’aaaw.”

Even Applejack couldn’t help but show a slight smile. “You’re adorable, Twi,” she said, making her friend blush, spoon still in the mouth. Applejack nodded to herself. “Letting go, is it?”

Twily and Pinkie looked at their friend, the orange mare whose smile grew and grew into that of a pony who just had a brilliant idea she just knew she was going to regret.

“Alright, the other’s are coming tomorrow afternoon to take a good look at this place. So how about for the rest of the vacation, I stay here, too. Never had a lengthy sleepover with friends, especially not with so many toys lying around. Might be just the thing I need. That’s alright with y’all, ain’t it?”

The spoon fell from Twilight’s mouth, “You want to play, too?”

Applejack looked her in the eye, “I can’t let you two have all the fun on your own. Maybe this’ll help me figuring some things out I need to think about, maybe it’ll be simple fun. Doesn’t really matter, though. The cold’s been tearing our group apart, so getting back together is all that matters right now, no matter how much snow falls from the sky.”

The smile on Twilight’s face grew as she jumped up. Every inch of her was happy at this, that not just the plushies but also her actual friends would join her. If only she would have had the courage to talk to them earlier, maybe all this trouble on the road wouldn’t have happened. Her friends were with her once more and now they would surely be until the end. “You’ll come tomorrow, you can promise that, can’t you?”

Before AJ could answer, Pinkie Pie interfered. “And you can promise to play the caretaker for one day, can’t you?”

The earth pony blinked for a moment, but then started to laugh. “Yeah, sure, why not? If you’re going to do somethin’, at least do it right. Tomorrow, we’ll start our best winter!”

That was how it went and once they were done with eating, AJ cleaned the kitchen up, while Pinkie did so with Twily, before going back to play with her until bedtime. Applejack didn’t stay until then, however. She told the two that she’d had a long day already and wanted to go to sleep early. She gave both of her friends a squeeze before opening the door, revealing the snow whirling around as the blizzard finally started to pick up. It was a reminder of how hard the coming weeks would be, but AJ assured Twily that the food store beneath the barn could feed a family through winter. Another thing of the Apple family was that they’d have lots of storages around their farm for any sort of emergency so one Blizzard wouldn’t prove that huge an obstacle. With that, the orange earth pony went her way and not long thereafter, even Twily’s day ended.

Twily pulled the covers up so she could hide beneath them, the light emitted by her horn illuminating her tiny space. The shapes of moons and stars were around her. They seemed so beautiful, yet her attention was pulled somewhere else, to the book under her nose. She picked the pencil up with her mouth, though a bit sloppy and held the tip against the papers. The letters were crude, misshapen, they were things an adult pony would have hated, but she wasn't an adult and not doing it perfect was fine, not being perfect was fine. She wrote her sentences enthusiastically, carefully laying out her feelings to what could at its most basic be described as a diary. She moved her hind legs a bit, making the diaper rustle. Like this, she wrote into her Nightbook, much like she had before, but still different. She was writing what toys she had played with and how Pinkie had praised her for her castle. She was writing how Applejack had promised her to come and play tomorrow and how Pinkie Pie had made her dinner.

She was writing about these things, a bright smile on her face. She was even writing about how excited she was about her new clothes. She had already gotten something great from Rarity. She stopped for a moment and looked at herself. The pajama had pants and a shirt, all bright blue with white clouds adorning it, and rose colored frills. She liked it, even though the waistband of her diaper stuck out from the pants. Nopony was seeing it, so maybe that wasn't a bad thing, either. To her, the waistband was actually the least noticeable thing. With every move she heard it crinkle, felt the padding going against her coat and the beneath.

She listened to the wind outside, hammering against the walls, the mobile above her crib spinning slowly. She thought about ghosts and shivered. She was safe here, no harm would come to her here, Twily was sure of that. She kept writing and writing, until the last line. Then, she looked at it proudly. The last thing especially, it was even kinda sad that nopony but her would ever see this.

Then somepony pulled the covers from her and Twilight looked up at Pinkie, who smiled brightly. “Can't sleep, too?”

“I wath thuth thriting,” Twilight answered, the pencil still in her mouth. Pinkie gave a nod, though she probably hadn't understood a word, but she did pull the pencil out of Twily's mouth, and picked up the book her little filly had on her bed.

“Well, I can see a certain filly's still really~ awake,” she spoke in a sing-songy voice, booping Twily's nose, letting a giggle erupt from the lavender unicorn. “What should we do about that?”

Twily blinked, before she went on to think, but Pinkie was the one who came up with an idea. “How about a lullaby for my sweetest widdle filly.”

For a moment, the unicorn was taken off guard, but then again, it was so easy to go with Pinkie's pace, all she could really do was lie down and look up the railings, to where Pinkie looked down on her. “That sounds nice,” Twily spoke.

“I even know a good one, though it's a bit old. Hey, maybe you know it,” Pinkie laughed, before clearing her throat.

What came then wasn't quite the kind of song Twilight had known Pinkie Pie to sing. It was calm, with a sober, almost sad melody, with the wind providing the instrumentation. A slow piece, and not one Twilight knew. Maybe it had belonged to a father, maybe to a mother, she didn't know. But for Twily, the lyrics were hers and hers alone, another promise and a safe haven that she could lay down and rest in.

Storms may come and blow away
the world around us all
Waves may come and break the stones
that lie beneath us all
And all the worlds could crumble
But I would stay with you

So listen to my soothing song
Hear my lovely harp
For you, my child,
I will always play
this song to soothe your heart

Listen to my soothing song
Hear my lovely harp, since

Stars may fall and blow away
the world around us all
The sun may fall and burn the world
that lies beneath us all
Ice may fall and freeze us all
The words I want to say
That all the worlds could crumble
I would stay with you

So listen to my soothing song
Hear my lovely harp
for you, my child
I will always play
this song to soothe your heart

As Pinkie's voice subsided, only the soft breathing of Twilight Sparkle remained, as she was lying beneath her soft blankets. Pinkie Pie grabbed one of the stuffed animals from the side of the crib, an old teddy bear that had belonged to Fluttershy and held close to the unicorn, who immediately pulled it close to a hug. Pinkie Pie merely smiled happily as she turned and sneaked through the door, to where she'd sleep.

The kitchen was on one end of the room, with another table, big enough for the whole group. On the other end stood an old couch, which could easily be made into a bed. The walls were decorated and on the end a lone window showed how the cold winds threw the snowflakes around. It was quite the sight, but Pinkie chose to ignore it. This room was hers for the coming days.

There, she settled down on the couch and leaned back on it. Applejack would come tomorrow, fighting through the storm and maybe the others would come to. Spike was hopefully going to be alright by then. She needed to prepare a party for all of them, all while playing with Twilight. Rarity had originally told her that Twilight was still unsure about this, but it didn't seem to her that way.

To Pinkie Pie every problem was simple, with simple roots and simple solutions. Finding these simple things was hard sometimes. And there were also very few times where they were impossible to find. That thought made Pinkie's smile disappear. She stared up at the ceiling, wondering if all this would end up right, if everything really was going to be fine.

She didn't want to lose another.

Pinkie Pie shook her head. “You're a nanny now, Pinkie Pie, don't get distracted.” She tried to force a smile, hoping it became true in time.

Her eyes went to the book she still had in her hoof and she looked on the last page Twilight had written on. The crude writing was definitely the one of her friend, it was almost unreadable. She smiled as she looked at it, and it only widened as she saw the fairly bad drawing of Twily playing with all her friends beneath a pencilled sun. To the left of the picture stood the end of the text.

“I finished the first step and I feel the weight finally coming off my body. I was striving for perfection not for perfection's sake, but because I lost sight of other parts that were me. Through losing my path I had to look for new ones and found myself again. I've figured that out now, but why I enjoy playtime so much is as much a mystery to me as why I enjoy waddling through a brightly colored room sucking a rubber teat.

“I guess I'll find out as I delve deeper. I don't know how far I need to go, but I want to see whether or not this is going to be the end or the beginning of myself. It's a huge tower before me, but at least it's ready to be climbed.”

This night, the ponies of Ponyville all dreamt their dreams. Twilight’s was one of swings that had never existed, of faces she had never known. She dreamt of a place where all her friends were, of a library where she was alone. She dreamt of such safely beneath her blanket, within the safe confines of a barn surrounded by trees, and outside the winds roared while snow and ice played their cold song. They crashed against the houses, breaking like waves. They blew the leaves and sent the world under the black clouds into a white, mad cascade. No light broke through the shrouds and the bellow of the wind echoed across the plains. Yet the farther up it went, the quieter the world grew. Above the clouds, black and ugly things they were, a dark blue sky resided and the stars watched the world stand still. All while the sun and moon standing guard over it.

There, above the clouds they ran. After all the centuries they had spent in slumber, finally the cold had come back. Between kind lies and loyal promises, generous betrayals and honest love, magic would die and even laughter might disappear. Because now they danced upon the blackest of clouds, those who hungered for the failings of living, those who preyed on traitors and liars and all the wretched souls. To each of them wind was the mane, ice the heart and snow the eyes.

The great blizzard had begun and the cry of winter heralded the return of the Windigos.

IX. The Tower Part I

Morning came the way it always did, with her clock ringing, and, like every morning, she opened her eyes to the nightly dark. For a moment she lingered, trying to fight the sound, to get back beneath her covers and to that place only she bothered to visit. What exactly she was trying to accomplish she didn’t know, and with every second that passed the sound grew louder, and anxiety made itself felt. Memories drifted across her mind, of things to do and things she hadn’t done.

I still have a purpose, she thought and finally made herself move, tossing the covers aside and lifting her legs off the bed and unto the floor. A freezing sensation took over as she did so. Applejack felt herself shrinking with a shiver. Need to light the fire, don’t want Apple Bloom or Granny to wake up in a cold house.

Groggily, a smile forced itself onto her face and she put down her hoof on the alarm, silencing it instantaneously. A few seconds of silence remained to her, a few seconds of darkness and the last shreds of night. Her entire body was screaming at her to move back into bed. It was cold, the air was thick and outside a storm was raging. She heard it from even here: How the snow pressed itself against the windows, how the wind went in through little holes that would otherwise remain unnoticeable. Applejack had to admit, she tried to pretend as if the outside didn’t matter to her. No, even worse (or better), due to the outside being ruled by ice and and the cold dance of the snowflakes, the pony found an unnatural appeal in just throwing herself back under the covers.

Other ponies probably would have agreed with that mentality and yet she did the one thing every sane part of her wanted to avoid: Applejack stood up and started towards the window, every step reminding her of the winter, and cast the drapes aside. She was greeted by a world of white outside, with the snows obscuring most of her view, and what little she could have seen was hidden by the nightly dark. How many ponies would even dare to step beyond their doorstep at a time like this? She wondered only for a second, turned around and moved herself to the door, forcing herself to ignore the call of her bed. With but one motion she opened her door and left the dark of her own room behind.

She moved through the corridors of the house on auto-pilot, since every nook and every hole within these walls was known to her. Only once had she ever left Ponyville, and this farm too. Only once – well, twice now – she had thought about leaving and never coming back. Sometimes she wondered if it was really her talent that made her stay or something else.

Obligation, maybe? Or duty?

Quickly lifting her mind from her own thoughtscape, she found herself before Apple Bloom’s door. Every day, just before sunrise, this was her first duty. It was something she had done since Apple Bloom had been a little foal, since they had left. Just like every day before this one, she pushed open the door, quietly moving her head through it and took a peek.

Tidy was the perfect word for this room, like any other in the house, but it had a certain characteristic to it. Be it furniture, or arrangement, a pony could easily see that the youngest member of the family lived here. Well, anypony but Applejack. Every day she peeked through this door and every day it was one day more, one day farther away from when she had first cradled the filly in her arms and smiled up at her father. Funny, to think of him still hurt.

If it was the same for Big Mac and Granny Smith?

She clenched her teeth, tried to focus. Applejack closed her eyes, trying to listen. The wind roared outside, yes, but that she knew. It wasn’t the noise she wanted to catch. Every day she listened in on Apple Bloom’s breathing. Hearing something so peaceful and calm was a good start for any day, Applejack found, and yet, there was no breath in this room. None but hers. After a second more and she opened her eyes.

“Right,” she said, her voice carrying a sadness to it that she hadn’t thought to appear. Then the mare flicked the light.

The sudden brightness pained her eyes, but she didn’t close them again. Instead, they remained fixed on the empty bed in the middle of the room, with only a stuffed bear sitting on the pillow. Applejack felt herself moving closer, and at the same time felt like she remained in the doorway, watching a little foal in her cot, mumbling and giggling while she dreamt of sunlight and happy days.

Fuzzy still smelled of mother.

She felt the bear’s coat against her muzzle, and as the mare realized that she had taken him, she silently put him down and without any further thought, turned around, leaving the room behind.

Being alone was far too bitter an experience for her.

Still, that was all there was these days: Loneliness. A bitter sigh escaped her as she looked at the cold corridors and all she could do was question why she’d stood up in the first place. Nopony else was here, nopony but Applejack and the farm slept during this season. All that and the blizzard made her feel like crawling right back into her bed and remaining there for the rest of winter. Why wasn’t she a bear? Like, seriously, why? Not only did they get to sleep through the most tiresome of seasons, no, they had more strength than a pony, were bigger and . . . Applejack shook her head.

An early morning brought out the weirdest of thoughts. Need to make a fire, she told herself and started moving again, A fire and breakfast.

Yet halfway to the stairs she realized that she had forgotten her morning’s trip to the toilet. A grumbling escaped her as Applejack moved to the worst part of her everyday life. The bathroom in the house always smelled of apricots, in memory of Granny’s ‘little Apricot’. Applejack frowned. Normally, the odor felt natural to her, but now that she was alone it was a memory, stinging at her heart. A caring smile, a foal in her arms. Cold water helped her out of the memory, out of the dream.

Every morning the first thing she did was hold her head under the shower and just turn on the coldest possible solution. Sometimes she thought that jumping into a frozen lake couldn’t be this cold and nowadays, too, the moment it started running, Applejack screamed out. Still, she kept her head beneath it, like she was washing every dream, every memory off her.

She had always hated cold water though.

Her morning started off like that, with a routine that made her regret to not have gone with the rest of her family, a blizzard outside and a freezing wetness drenching her coat. After that she relieved herself, washed her hooves, decided to go over the house with a duster again on a later date and after all that she moved to their living room, a towel covering her head. First order of business there was to get a fire started, so the earth pony put some wood into the fireplace. She kept her focus throughout; her knees shook and her teeth chattered as she pulled a piece of paper out and stuffed it between the wood. Applejack quickly grabbed the matches and one quick motion later the pile was ablaze.

Their living room felt like the oldest part of the house. Most of the pictures on the walls came from a time where Granny Smith had been but a filly and from the couch to the table, everything had the distant smell of caramel apples. Another old memory. This house could be full of them if one opened their eyes just enough. A sigh, a breath, and then Applejack simply let the warmth wash over her.

I need to prepare food, she told herself and found a frown forming on her face. And then what?

It was the one question she had yet to find an answer for. The farm was basically her life, and it was asleep during winter. Now, she had nothing, and she hadn’t been smart enough to just leave for her cousin’s place like every other member of her family. Whatever she had originally thought to achieve by staying behind, now she wasn’t so sure of it having been that wise an idea.

For breakfast, she drank a glass of water, considering she wasn’t really hungry and if she’d start preparing a real breakfast now, she’d probably still be groggy enough to do it for her entire family. If Applejack had learned one lesson in her life, then it was that she couldn’t trust her half-asleep self. However, her morning was basically done like this.

So she did what she did every morning, she settled down on the couch by the fireside and watched the dance of flames and embers. Only a small warmth emitted from it at first and she felt the cold touching her from behind, a freezing sensation that was banished more and more from this room, this house. It might not have been a perfect way to start of the day, Applejack guessed, but it was something at least.

As she leaned back she remembered something else, her eyes wandered to the window and the dim light that grew brighter beyond the clouds. The blizzard still raged outside, but, despite that, Applejack found a smile on her face. For the entire winter she had looked for something to do, and now she might have just found it in the strangest of places. One more hour she would spend by the fire, warming herself before preparations needed to be started. Today was going to be special.

Rainbow Dash was sure of one thing and one thing only, that being herself. Well, somewhat. She was sure of her own loyalties, of her own will to change things for the better. Neither her methods nor her demeanor were things she readily bragged about, though she was hotheaded enough to appear more prideful than she truly was. Someone had once told her that this characteristic of hers was both her greatest boon and worst fault, and one day, it would come crashing down on her.

For one reason or another she had always hoped that person to be wrong, but whenever there was a chance to doubt herself, she’d take it, even though she never really wanted to. The filly held her gaze on a friend at this moment. Her thoughts drifted between things to speak of and other stuff she could be doing. No matter what she’d say, it’d be wrong. Rainbow Dash was completely aware of that, just as she knew that if she didn’t say anything, it would make everything worse.

“Sometimes,” she started.

She had visited Fluttershy’s place before the storm had hit and stayed overnight, even brought the stuff she had wanted to take to their new clubhouse today. The night had been everything but calm, with the weather outside barely containing itself to the regulations. Blizzards were too chaotic for the weather teams and if the first night looked as horrible as it did, then Rainbow Dash feared for the ones to come. Yet, she had to tell herself to focus on something else, the very thing before her.

Her eyes went down to the tea, hot steam rising from the green tinted water and the smell of mint painting the air. She wanted to immerse herself in it, just like she wanted to be somewhere else. Yet the pegasus found her eyes looking up to Fluttershy again. The yellow filly looked down to the ground, both arms stretched out. Her hooves picked up the teacup and she held it close to her, but never did she take a sip.

Sometimes, we need to say things we don’t want to, she spoke in her head, trying to think about how Fluttershy would react. Rainbow Dash wasn’t sure, she never was. With every word she uttered she felt herself becoming more and more aware of how little she understood of other ponies. Why couldn’t somepony else be there for her friends, somepony wiser or smarter.

”If you’ve done enough running away, how ‘bout you pick yourself up and fight back for once?”

An old friend’s voice spoke in her head and Rainbow Dash found herself reassured, the faint memory of that rainy school day before her eyes again. “Sometimes, what we think is best for others might not actually be the-”

“No,” Fluttershy interrupted her, the softness of her voice not deafening the defiance she held. “No,” she repeated, a flicker in her eyes as she looked at Rainbow Dash. “I can’t watch her do this. . . I’m sorry, but; but I’m not,” she spat those words out.

Fluttershy sounded aggressive and her entire posture was tense, but Rainbow Dash was well aware of how her friend functioned. She was fighting more with herself than anything else. A kind soul with nothing but good intentions and a soft heart for all things. The yellow pegasus shook her head.

“I know everything’s hard for you, Dashie, and winter’s going down hard on everypony. I’m lucky to not be really stressed out myself, except that thing with Twilight. I mean, I’ve been trying. I really have. . .”

She looked so desolate, so sad, like she could break down any moment now. Dash had to struggle with herself, find the right words, she bit her lip. “I know,” was all she could manage.

As a smile grew on Fluttershy’s face Rainbow knew that the words had been the right ones. They’d been together since flight school, hadn’t they? While the other pony wasn’t an open book to Dash, she could still discern between an honest smile and a fake one.

“It’s only, you know, when I saw her standing by the board she looked so. . . broken, I guess. Just like when she went to ask me about it. Sometimes, what we think is best for ourselves might not actually be the best for us, and Twilight. . .”

Every pause must have felt like a dagger, as Fluttershy’s face contorted in thought every time her sentences came to a stop. She did not know how to put her emotions into words and she had never been the type to do so. A kind pony, a soft-hearted one even. There existed a word for ponies like Fluttershy, and it wasn’t ‘doormat’. Rainbow Dash always looked at her friend as a tree that dared not grow with other trees around, but alone on a field would offer shadow to any passerby and a home beneath its roots for any animal that came by. Her selflessness could work for or against her.

There was a word for ponies like her, but Rainbow Dash had no idea what it was. She decided to check a dictionary later on.

Rainbow Dash offered a nod as she noticed that Fluttershy couldn’t find the right words. “Twilight’s counting on us, and if this’ll help her, then we should be there for her. Considering that we couldn’t come up with something better, all we can do is put all our chips on this. It’s a gamble, but Pinkie seemed sure of it.”

Mind you, she hadn’t quite believed the plans herself when Pinkie had told her of them. Yet, another part had been happy that Twilight might find a way. While she would’ve greatly enjoyed it to not be part of this whole thingie Pinkie was up to, Rainbow had also made a promise to herself to always stand up and be there for her friends. She had taken that reason as to why she had quickly gone and helped Pinkie, going as far as bringing her favorite toys to the barn. I just hope Twilight finds some more enthusiasm for the Wonderbolts now.

Fluttershy tore her out of her thoughts again, having taken a while to form the proper sentence in her mind. “I know, it’s just that I don’t know if this is really right.”

Apparently she didn’t think that Rainbow Dash understood what she was going on about, her face giving a look of discomfort and pity. It was strange to look at, but considering everything, it appeared natural that Fluttershy didn’t quite know how to deal with a situation like this. Truth was, neither did Rainbow. Twilight was the brains around these parts, and Dash trusted her. No, she wanted to trust her. Her and Pinkie. There were a thousand things she could have told Fluttershy too, but ultimately, the one and only truth was that.

“Let’s trust all of us,” Rainbow Dash said and offered one last smile, yet found no reassurance from Fluttershy, who only sipped her tea and looked to the ground. “When Gilda and I met, she told me that trust is strength. Neither of us really got what it meant back then, but now it’s pretty obvious. All we need to do is have some faith in Twilight and let her keep her faith in us, then everything’ll be fine.”

Fluttershy gritted her teeth before she fiddled for words, tried to think, to relax. Whatever the filly was thinking now, Rainbow Dash didn’t understand, yet Fluttershy looked at her with dead eyes and spoke in a hollow voice, “Yeah, you’re right.”

Out of all the things in her life, there was nothing Rainbow Dash hated as much as a friend she couldn’t help. Yet, this day just had to become special, for the cerulean filly born upon clouds, or else all this would become just one more dream, melting away like snow in spring. Yes, it would be just like another friendship she had given up not long ago, a friendship she could really need right now. Rainbow thought of Gilda and hoped that friendship would prove to be a stronger force this time.

The dark outside grew brighter, slowly but steadily and the new day showed its face despite the gray and the cold. Outside the storm raged as Twilight stared at the ceiling above her. Whether it was the fabric against her coat or the padding between her legs, all of it felt completely unfamiliar. She had done it before though, hadn’t she? Spike had been there, had helped her. Yet now she lay alone in a dark place, winds howling outside and a cold creeping about. She felt it well enough with her nose, since every part of her but the head was well hidden beneath the covers.

Once, she had looked upon blue skies like the ceiling portrayed, a small creature by her side, scales of purple, green eyes staring at the clouds. She remembered it as well as the face of a rose colored alicorn she had seen for the last time. Afterwards, she had left Twilight’s life. How much time had gone by since then? To the side she turned and her eyes looked at the bars and the whale, while her right cheek rested on the pillow. Quite often, questions came easy to her, but the answers eluded her. How much time could go by and how much pain could a pony endure before they found the things they were looking for.

Thoughts dwelled within her mind, just as every morning. What she needed to do, what she thought she wanted to do. Yet all the same, she didn’t move, didn’t stand up. Moments passed as she looked at the room she dared not to name and a familiar question crept up from the depths of her mind. What am I doing?

She moved, lifting one arm up. Only then did she notice the one she was holding in her arm, a ragged teddy which clearly had been in repair quite often, with its arms clearly stitched recently, the left leg looking much better than the right one as well as one black and one white button for the eyes. Twilight took a deep breath, doing her best to banish any dark thoughts and all the worries. All she had to be was a filly who had fun, right?

Whatever truths she had thought to know until this point, whatever Twilight Sparkle had been, she had to let go of it. Moving forward with nothing but good hopes and thoughts, that was what she had to do. The pony took another breath, pulling the bear closer to her, telling herself that she needn’t to stand up now, needn’t a schedule. It was meant to be soothing, but she quickly found her eyes twitching, her gaze shifting to the unfamiliar door. Every second more made her further aware of how much this place’s outline wasn’t quite right, how the way she lay was far from ideal and how the longer she waited, the more her schedule was getting more and more out of bounds.

I don’t even have a schedule! Twilight admitted bitterly.

Turning around once more, she shifted her legs a little but, much to her dismay, found the diaper too thick to get into a better sleeping position. Why had she thought all this was a good idea again? Not only that, she couldn’t just stand up and properly get her hooves to the floor, since the bars were barring her way. Sure, she might have just opened herself a path, but wasn’t Pinkie there for that? Would she get mad if Twilight did something like doing that on her own? Even worse, what would she do after opening it? Honestly, the only thing to do here was play. Well, she might just go back to the library and check back on things, make sure the books were all orderly, that Allie and Big Wig would close and open all the doors the proper way and-

Twilight hit herself against the head. “Just stop,” she hissed.

Silence answered the unicorn’s command. A silence she would have loved to have inside her head as her worries grew louder and louder. She focused on the wind outside, imagined flakes of snow falling and tried to push herself aside. All she needed to do was to let go, but the more she tried to, the harder her grip seemed to become. Twilight fought nothing but a pointless battle and the ending was already in plain sight. She pulled the bear closer, closed her eyes and tried to think of something happy.

She needed to stand up, make breakfast and then reorganize the furniture. Her mind raced as it tried to find the proper timing for everything and something back in her head started screaming louder and louder, telling her to get up and ditch that ridiculous outfit she was wearing. For a moment she lingered on that thought and became all too aware of what she was doing. For one single moment she realized how little sense all of this made. You couldn’t cure anything with this, could you?

Ridiculous, the word echoed through her head, weighing more and more each time.

“Are you doing morning exercises?” She heard a familiar voice ask, “because I do, too. Every morning I practice like twenty-seven different smiles. Takes everything out of me, but it works.”

Twilight opened her eyes to look at Pinkie. The pink pony stood by the crib, looking as energetic as always, a wide smile adorning her face. Twilight looked at her, not knowing what to say, like so many times before.

“Is this really alright?” She found herself asking.

Pinkie blinked, her smile vanishing a bit. “I dunno, is it?”

Her head was still resting on the pillow, plushies leaning against her, and Twilight felt herself thrown back to yesterday, to the answer she had given Pinkie. She was lost, wasn’t she? One part wanted to stand up, to do things that would probably end up unnecessary, another part just wanted to stay here. What am I doing? The question sprung up again.

Was all this alright?

She couldn’t feel good and Twilight couldn’t feel happy. All her thoughts were drifting around a place the filly herself didn’t know and she felt like she was on a block of ice in the middle of the ocean, her footing slowly melting away. No land insight, too. To where was she going, why was she going there? Questions ran through her head once more, like always and as she drifted, the voice became louder.

Stand up! It cried, beckoning her to move.

It felt like Twilight Sparkle had lost herself once more and what was worse was that she didn’t even know where to start picking the pieces up. Whatever puzzle she stood in front of, the filly had no idea how to figure it out. Maybe once, a long, long time ago, it would have been easy. Right now, all she could do was look at the unmoving sky above her as well as feel the blanket she wrapped herself up with.

“Maybe we should stop this. I’ve still got a lot of stuff to do,” she said with some finality. I’m not running away, just reasserting myself.

Pinkie’s smile was a kind one. “I can’t give you any theories for your practice when it comes to your life, but, you said you wanted to find yourself here, so instead of giving up, maybe you should just give yourself a chance.”

Twilight knew Pinkie to be weird, and sometimes she could say something good, too. Yet she doubted. “I don’t know how far I’d need to go with this to get some sort of anything.”

“Well, we’ll all be here for you, no matter how far it takes us. Plus, this is just like babysitting the twins, except hopefully less temper tantrums, waking up in the middle of the night and not knowing why all the crying is necessary,” Pinkie said with a healthy laughter.

No matter how far. . . That was the most reassuring thing, somehow. She thought of plans and things to do, yet there was also somepony here with her, ready to aid her loosening the grip on her life. Twilight thought of all the things she needed to do right, but found a light in Pinkie’s smile. Yes, that was what she was going to do, what she had intended to do from the moment she had stepped into this strange world. There was a tower, ready to be climbed, wasn’t it?

“Thank you, Pinkie.”

Pinkie let down the side of the crib gently, but seemed unsure what to do next. If she was embarrassed, then she hid it well, but there was some hesitation, as her eyes went over Twilight. The unicorn guess to know why, as she had basically just made it clear that she herself wasn’t all too comfortable with this whole. . . Ageplay might’ve been a good word for it. Yeah, she mustn’t have appeared very comfortable with this ageplay.

“If we’re going to be partners in crime, I want you to know that I trust you completely. Just go with whatever you’re comfortable with and I’ll simply follow,” she spoke calmly.

The words reached her friend, as she nodded frantically and her smile grew again, to the caring one. “Okay, then. . . “ She seemed to think for a moment. “Ooh, I’ve got it. A bath would be just about the right thing before breakfast, wouldn’t it, Twily?”

Twilight, inside her head she screamed at herself, but on the outside she formed a smile and gave in. Twily decided to rise up. She nodded. This day would become a special one for her and hopefully her friends, too.

The warmth spread around her and strands of hair whirled around. Twilight felt so light here, floating in the middle of nothingness. Having her eyes closed, she let herself drift in the water and thought of when she had last enjoyed a bath like this. Just the filly and a bathtub. It must have been back when she had lived in Canterlot. Considering Twilight Sparkle came from a trueborn branch of an old noble line, their house in Canterlot had possessed the most magnificent bathroom, with a tub large enough for the whole family. They had only used it rarely, but Twilight had cherished every time.

Both of their parents worked, Shining was aiming to become an officer of the royal guard and Twilight herself was the personal student of the country’s ruler. They had spent so little time together, and yet Twilight had never thought of Cadance as family. For a moment she wondered when Cadance had first foalsitted her, but all she heard was the creak of rusty metal and all she imagined was a swing in the middle of a field.

Twilight, a voice said, familiar yet like a stranger’s. A distant memory and swings that stood atop a hill. For a moment she saw a face she had never known.

Then Twilight felt how the air was going out and she lifted herself out of the water and up into the air. Bubbles were around her, and though the tub was smaller than the one her family had possessed, it still had enough room for the filly to just let herself float. She looked at the white foam and then leaned back, her eyes going to the side, where Pinkamena gave her another smile. She had a vast variety of those and Twilight thought that, as far as numbers went, twenty-seven was a complete understatement.

Twilight thought. . .

She answered the smile with one of her own, but it left her as she closed her eyes just then. Getting used to the rhythm was the hardest part. Twilight figured that she might just slip into it tomorrow or the day thereafter, but right now there were so many worries clinging to her. Letting go felt like it would become harder with every passing moment and every time she tried to forget, she remembered still. The feeling that all this wasn’t how it should be remained, that doing this would only make things worse and worse. Truth be told, there was not one second during which she didn’t doubt.

“Pinkie,” she muttered, tiredly looking at her friend, “do you ever doubt yourself?”

The pink pony blinked once, and then put on a thinking pose. “Actually, sometimes when I find myself alone in the darkness of my room and think about my life, what I have achieved and what I am doing with it, I find myself wondering. . .”

Lifting an eyebrow, Twilight stared at Pinkie. Getting her to talk seriously about something was rare in and of itself, so everytime she did say something in a serious tone of voice, without any added gimmicks, it came easy to listen. Just looking at Pinkie being like this felt strange, since she was always this constantly upbeat existence that lived in a world where she could throw parties for her friends, and that all the time. Talking was even stranger, and Twilight could feel herself just anticipating the thoughtful completion of Pinkie’s sentence.

“. . . whether I like cupcakes or muffins more.”

The sagely tone in which the words were spoken did little to conceal the fact that this statement was not profound at all. And yet, Twilight would have loved to also have only worries of such a simple nature. Instead she thought of things she had to do and how she had to do them.

All she had to do was to get used to the rhythm, and all her world had to consist of was happy thoughts and nothing else. She leaned back, only noticing Pinkie again as the pony started to massage shampoo into her mane. It felt hard not to move her limbs, to not correct what Pinkie did, but the mare wanted to overcome and she wanted to feel at least a bit good again. Ultimately, having somepony else do the washing for her didn’t feel bad, either. It reminded her of those times they had gone to the spa, sometime before the snows had fallen and before she had looked in the mirror with nothing but dark thoughts.

Her mind was drifting, her heart beating calmly.

What am I doing?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder was a phenomenon that had been examined by an immigrant giraffe over in Trottingham. It must have been about a hundred years ago. It was even the topic of said giraffe’s magnum opus, and Twilight had to be one in about fifty-six ponies who had read one of the few remaining copies. Despite the disorder being a real thing, it had never been seen as a problem in Equestria. Due to influences from the griffon lands, the things that made it so horrible were held in high regard. In fact, quite a few well-known ponies of the modern times had actually suffered from it, if another manuscript was to be believed.

Ponies feared a lot of things in this world. They were as scared of fire as they were of ice. Not only that, but their fears went so far that they were actually afraid of anything that couldn’t be manipulated. So, if one thought about it that way, a pony taking control of everything in their life could easily be put into a more positive light. Twilight had read all there was to find about it. As far as she knew, down in the south, were giraffes and zebras lived, they had long since learned how to battle these things. Yet they were even more in tune with their surroundings than the ponies; and the differences, not only culturally but physically, made it hard to grasp if any options available for them would work for ponies.

There were many unknown factors, so what was left?

“What are you thinking about?” she heard Pinkie ask.

“Lots and lots of things, I guess.”

“Big filly stuff?”

Twilight’s face made way for the faintest hint of a smile, “I suppose.”

What do I want?

She had already given Pinkie her answer to that. So all Twilight had to do now was to let go and just look to where the path she was on would lead her. All she had to do was take another pony’s hoof, stop thinking. Finally, she had to stop thinking. That had been her only problem until this point and she was quite aware of how she would hardly solve it in a manner of moments, unless, maybe. . .

Pinkie had said that she’d help her, no matter how far they’d need to go. Twilight already knew that her friend had meant it, so the question was whether she intended to take more steps rather than just sitting around with a plastic garment and playing with toys. She might need to play this regression thing straight in more ways than she did now. There came the thoughts again. Was this right? Would it actually help her? Why was she even indulging this?

“Well, somepony looks ready to get dried and dressed,” Pinkie suddenly said and reached out with her hoof. “Come on.”

For now, all that counted was getting used to the rhythm, so Twilight took the hoof gladly and let herself be helped out of the tub. The water dripped onto the floor, or rather the bathmat that lay there, and the warmth of her bath made the room around her feel much more cooler. Pinkie had a towel upon her almost immediately and she let the rubbing happen.

It reminded her of how Cadance had treated her, how every bath back then had been an experience, how she had enjoyed every bit of attention. Twilight let those memories run past her, fondness painting them in bright colours. There was a warm fuzziness within her past, though it was hard to grasp.

“Alright,” she heard after a few moments, just after the towel had gone over her belly, “I guess my little filly is just about ready for her didee.”

She did blush at how Pinkie formulated it, yet Twilight found herself being readily led out to the nursery and placed onto the changing table. Before the bath, she had taken off the diaper before Pinkie had a chance to do anything, and she had done it neatly, too. She couldn’t help but think about how much of a waste it felt. Things had a purpose and were usually used for this very purpose. Funnily, the main concern with the diapers wasn’t hygiene, and even the fact that she was a grown mare wasn’t that concerning to her.

Twilight could be very down to earth in some matters, but the fact stood that she didn’t want to involve any of her friends in anything they might be uncomfortable with. That she thought as she lay on her back and felt another diaper being sled beneath her.

That kinda takes a lot out of that statement, she thought almost bitterly.

This time, she caught a glimpse of Pinkie’s face during the process. The earth pony had said she saw this just like taking care of the twins and that hadn’t been an exaggeration, at least if one went by both the care she put into her work and the expression on her face. Pinkie Pie had the same, caring smile Twilight had known it from Cadance or her parents, one that made her feel safe.

With the last tape being adjusted, Pinkie looked at her work. Being magical was a great thing when one didn’t possess thumbs or fingers, so it looked as neatly as could be. “All done,” she announced and leaned over Twilight, her head going down on the filly’s stomach. Twilight didn’t even get to say anything, for the other mare blew a raspberry that send her into a roaring laughter. Pinkie grinned at her.

“If you manage to keep this one dry, maybe my little Twily is finally ready for training pants,” she teased.

Twilight, carried on the thoughts she held in the back of her mind, answered: “What if I don’t manage?”

Pinkie smiled, but her ears perked up as clearly noticed how matter-of-factly Twilight had voiced her question. “Oh, I’ll guess I’d have to change a certain filly again. Nopony likes a cranky foal,” she said and blew another raspberry.

Twilight laughed out, playfully attempting to keep Pinkie away, who quickly blew another raspberry.

The second day had started and the winds raged outside, yet Twilight had let go just that moment. Twily herself had decided to let herself be led by Pinkie, just as she had decided to let this day happen as it would. No more dark thoughts and no more wondering if she could have done this or that properly. This tower’s top she was certain to reach, as long as she had her friends by her side.

They had their breakfast in Twily’s nursery, which was awesome. Pinkie had gotten a puzzle mat out of her box, laid it out in the middle of the room and then had made sandwiches for both of them. Twily had gotten another sippy cup, which she hadn’t bothered to touch as of yet, since she was far too busy getting the puzzle wrong. The filly had figured out how to finish this from the moment she had seen it, first had come the numbers from one to nine, while beneath them the alphabet had to be laid out. Now, she tried to find alternative ways to put it together and was quite adamant on getting the four between the D and the P.

It hadn’t taken long for Pinkie to join her. Every time Twily tried to go for a solution of less efficiency, the pink earth pony took the numbers or letters and arranged them in a new manner. What came surprising to Twily was how easy Pinkie manipulated the chaos. The puzzle’s pieces were all fairly worn out and some of the parts which shouldn’t have fit actually did. So as the three and Z joined in holy matrimony, Twily found herself applauding her nanny.

Something in the back of her mind was nagging, as they went on and destroyed the very heart of modern equestrian language and mathematics, but Twily managed to put the thoughts out fairly quickly, finally going for her milk as they finished up the puzzle. As she drank from the cup her eyes looked upon their work as something that was really fascinating. As a matter of fact, she just had to wonder what a more serious pony might have said to that.

Well, she might just get the chance. The filly turned her head to Pinkie, who sat right by her side. “Could we show that to the others?”

Pinkie turned her head, a mischievous grin on her face. “Sure, cupcake,” she said. “How about we make a bet?”

Twily didn’t really like the look Pinkie was giving her, but decided to have some fun with this. “What do we bet?”

“Well, if I win. . . How about you have to keep your paci in your mouth for the whole day tomorrow, and no talking.”

She had to think about that for a moment, not really sure what Pinkie wanted to achieve, but after a moment understood. Pinkie basically dared her to go full foal for a day. That made her think about whether or not this was a wise idea, but then again, if she won she wouldn’t have to worry about that. Gambling wasn’t a thing for little filly’s, but surely no harm could come of this.

“Okay, but if I win you have to wear didees for a whole day!”

Pinkie blinked, tilted her head. “Well~,” she sang and before Twily knew it she was on the ground once more, as some sort of tickle monster attacked her. These things apparently roamed around these parts. So they both remained there, Twily pinned to the ground, proving that some ponies just remained very ticklish no matter how much they aged, and Pinkie, playing the not-so-vile monster that brought laughter and happiness.

It went on for a while, until Pinkie finally stopped and looked at her friend, her charge. “I have half a mind to say that we’ve already got one little diaperbutt here and you might just not take me seriously when I start wearing them. . .”

Her grin betrayed Pinkie.

“It’s on. I’ll bet Rarity’s going to correct the puzzle,” the pink pony said.

Twily nodded. “I say it’s going to be AJ.”

For a moment, they both looked at each other fiercely, until Pinkie went off of Twilight and picked her up from the ground, holding the big foal in her arms. “Alright then,” she said and put the sippy cup back into her mouth.

“Now that that’s done you’ve still got this to finish and then we’ll see that we get ourselves properly dressed for our visitors.”

Twily only heard her faintly, for she was too busy suckling the warm milk and trying to wiggle herself into a bit more comfortable position in Pinkie’s arms. She could definitely imagine going on a few days just like this, even if it was confined in a small space such as this. Well, no matter what, she was sure this day was going to be special. Not only that, but as far as the tower was concerned, she felt ready to reach the very top.