Long Way from New Vegas

by viper203

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 1964

I used to live in the wasteland. I was revered, a living legend. Now I'm living in a real life Jet trip.

"I'm probably not gonna survive this." Is what I told Veronica. I didn't, both them and I got obliterated in the end. but what happened next was basically impossible. That didn't stop it from happening. I now live in a different universe, with a completely different body. But hey, just another day in the Wasteland, right?
(I'm not sure if I should give this story human tag, so I'll just keep it off.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-10 01:30:02 UTC

My Last Stand

                         "They've got us surrounded. The poor Bastards."

                                                                  -Unknown Medic, Battle of the Bulge, WWII

    "And Veronica, I'm probably not gonna survive this. I don't want you to die too. Go back to the trading post, or the BoS Bunker. Just... Don't follow me." I told Veronica, visible uncertainty. I was going after a group of some of the most violent, sadistic, merciless raiders you could ever find, and that's saying a lot.

   Wait, let me introduce myself. I'm Darren . I don't remember what my last name is. You get a little amnesia when you get shot twice in the head with a 9mm pistol. Anyways, Most people don't call me Darren. They call me "The Courier". That's right. You're talking to The Courier. Please suspend disbelief.

                   As I said, I got amnesia. I have forgotten just about every thing about my past. I think I was born Oregon, but I honestly can't remember. I did however, remember the outrageous amount of training I got. I could shoot the wings off a bloatfly at 400 meters with a 9mm. Okay, we both know that isn't true. But I'm still a great shot.

   Anyways, back to the story. I lifted my First Recon Beret off my desk, put it on my head, took some Med-X off my shelf, and took my Bowie knife out from under my pillow. I shoved both the weapon and the chems in a large olive drab duffel bag, along with my Anti-Material Rifle and A Light Shining in the darkness (Joshua Graham's custom 45. pistol.), and a ton of other weapons. I picked the bag up, along with my satchel, and took the elevator down to the Lucky 38's casino floor.

***

       I Put the AMR's cross-hairs on one of the raiders. I took in a breath, and fired. The raiders upper half literally exploded, like a stick of dynamite, tearing the back off of the guy next to him. Shit, was I using explosive rounds? Huh. I guess so. I popped off 3 more shots well they searched for the shooter, killing 4 of the raiders. Then one of the raiders, who had now discovered me had was firing in my general direction, fired a round at just the right time in just the right place so that his bullet smacked into mine, causing the round to explode, tearing the rifle open, and giving me a giant gash across the side of my head.

              I crawled down from my sniping spot. I took out my magnum, and shot a raider right in between the eyes. I injected a Med-X syringe into my arm, and smacked a button the side of my Pip-Boy.  a jolt went through my system and I popped out of cover. I marked four of the raiders, then went out of VATS. I missed a raider, but the other three dropped.

       I fired off twelve more shots, then realized I had no more ammo for the magnum, I sprinted towards a raider who was reloading his shotgun. I stabbed him in the right lung with the Bowie knife. I then dragged the knife up, till I hit his collar bone. I pulled the knife out and took his caps, and some shells.

        I slipped a small box on the bottom of my Pip-Boy, and I completely vanished. I snuck into the raider's compound and put down two of them before the Stealth-Boy's charge ran out. I took out my sawed-off shotgun and slipped the shells in.  I Charged into a large room with three raiders in the middle. Around them were barrels of meat. It smelled like Brahmin, but then I noticed what the raiders were roasting and remembered where I first had first found that smell. The Ultra-Luxe. These raiders were Cannibals.

                I aimed at the nearest raider in VATS, shooting him with both shells. He didn't even notice that I was there until he lay bleeding on the floor. I Reloaded and shot the other two. I dashed to the back of the room, then headed down a long hall.  About halfway down the hall, I heard a pained moan, and a repeated thumping noise. As I got closer, I heard someone spewing profanities. I smacked the door open, and found a a raider repeatedly bludgeoning a very badly wounded and starved woman. I smacked the butt of the shotgun against his head, and stomped it until it was just bloody red and pink paste. I looked at the woman, and said

"Get out of here."

        A very strong smell of sulfur and iron hit me as I walked into the next room.

  The Armory. Nice. Dozens of rifles and pistols lined the walls. along with a pile of assorted melee weapons and- Holy Shit. Where the hell did they get a nuclear Warhead? "Come on you fucker! Get out here so I can kill you!" I heard someone shout from outside the room, as bullets smacked the wall behind me.

        I dashed to the wall, grabbed a Chinese assault rifle, and dashed back to cover. I stuck a clip into the rifle and popped out of cover. there were around forty raiders. all aiming at me. I lowered myself and gulped. There was no way I could beat them all. I stood up, looked at the raiders, took a deep breath, and said "I am the courier. Nobody. Fucks. With. The Courier."

      I heard a few raiders laugh as they checked their guns, but I took out the laser detonator I had gotten from my travels of the Courier's Mile, aimed it at the warhead, and pulled the trigger. A small, gleaming red laser shot across the armory. The raiders' leader asked "The fuck are you do-" He was interrupted by the explosion. I had my eyes on the warhead. A bright flash, like, brighter than the sun, then black. I dropped to the concrete floor, an extreme feeling of pain and burning running through me. I shot my gaze across the room, and saw the mushroom cloud shooting through a hole in the roof. I heard the pained screams of the unlucky raiders that survived the initial blast. I had the durability of a Deathclaw, but I even couldn't survive that blast.

          Slowly I let the last slip of life escape, as my blood drained and fire covered me, then, with sticky scarlet blood flowing out of massive wounds in my chest. Then, after I lost all feeling and heard only a loud, endless ringing, everything faded to black.

Wait, Aren't I supposed to be dead?

                       "To The Strongest."

                                                                                  - Alexander The Great

              I woke up, and a huge wave of pain shot through me. I kept my eyes closed, trying to remember what had happened, when I heard a sweet but authoritative voice ask "Awake?"

I instinctively reached for Maria under my pillow, but nothing was there. Without opening my eyes, I asked "Who are you?"

"I'm Princess Celestia, but who are you?" She asked, her voice turning slightly more questioning.

"Oh, so I'm Dealing with royalty? I Should be honored." I said, sarcastically "I'm the Courier. Where the fuck am I?"

"You're in the Ponyville Hospital."

      I opened my eyes and looked around. A well lit, white room. It looked like some vault med-bay, except it was a lot cleaner. Then I saw the princess. A seven foot tall, winged, pure white, four legged creature with a horn sticking out of it's head, and a wavy rainbow thingy coming off her head and out her ass. She also had a tattoo of a sun on the side of her ass. I recoiled in shock. "What... Are You?!"

           "What do you mean?" She asked, surprised. " You're a... I don't even know what you are!" I shouted. What was this thing?

  "I'm a pony. You're one too, so you should know what they are. Speaking of that, how did you get here?" She asked, Confused for some reason.

"I'm a human, and what the fu-" I stopped as I saw myself. I looked just like her, except smaller, and a different color. I lifted my hands up, only to see they weren't hands. They were Hooves, Like on a Brahmin!

"Holy. Fucking. Shit. WHAT THE FUCK!?!" I exclaimed. What was I?

"Calm down, courier." She said soothingly.

"Calm Down?! CALM DOWN!?! I'M PERFECTLY FUCKING CALM!"

"Uh..." She had no idea how to respond. I realized how I was acting and try to calm down a little.

"Sorry, but I just woke up in some hospital, in a completely different body, so excuse me if I'm a little freaked out."  I said, as calmly as I could. "What do you mean different "Different Body"?" She asked, extremely confused.

" Before I was... This, I was a human."

"Human? What's a human?" She asked, extremely confused.

"Really? You're joking, right?" I said, now as confused as she was.

"No... What's a Human?"

"Where's my satchel?" I asked, thinking I would just show her a picture. Then I remembered what had happened. "Wait, Shouldn't I be dead?"

"What do you mean?"

" I mean, I should be dead." I said, as I grabbed my satchel, or rather, tried to. Turns out, it's hard to grab things with hooves.

"Crap. How do I hold things?" I asked, a little embarrassed.

"What do you mean? Like this." She said, picking up the satchel in a way which simply wasn't possible. I tried to pick up the satchel, but I couldn't. "God dammit. Can you open it?" I asked. She opened the bag without the slightest trouble, which annoyed me. I started dragging stuff out of the satchel in very awkward ways. I finally found the photo, then then held it between my hooves, showing it to the princess.For just a moment, I could see a shocked look on her face, like "No, it couldn't be." but then it was gone.

   "What is that?" She asked, confused as ever.

"It's a human. Oh, and by the way, where's the bathroom?" I asked urgently, as I stepped out of bed. " By the way, what am I doing in here anyway? I'm not hurt."

"You were. The doctor said you suffered extreme burns and blood loss."

"Well, that makes makes sense." I muttered under my breath. " Now where's the bathroom?"

***

        Walking with hooves was hard, too say the least. A lack of toes, and freaking backwards legs! How do you walk like that?! Well, some how I reached the bathroom. Then, I noticed another problem. It should be obvious. Well, after that, I shakily stepped out into the hall way. I saw three more ponies.Two females and a male. I quietly listened to their conversation.

"You don't suppose it's some prank, or some publicity stunt?" The male said, with an "I don't want to be here, so leave me alone" look on his face.

"What about the burns? He was just laying in a crater. Not to mention, my friend Lily said she saw a giant ball of fire flying through the sky that night, and then there was the explosion itself." Argued one of the females, with a white body and pink hair.

     I Walked backed to my room and saw Celestia waiting.

"Read this," She said sternly handing me a book. "And tell me more about your past."

"Umm... Okay. Well, for starters, I was shot in the head a few years ago. I lost my memory and woke up in a small town named Goodsprings."

"Lost your memory? I know a spell that can help that."

"A What?"

"A Spell. You Know, magic."

"And this day just keeps getting weirder and weirder."