Friendship is Drama

by HipsterShiningArmor

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Human, Main 6, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy
Length: 32743

After a catastrophic incident, 6 reality show contestants find themselves in Equestria. Understandably, chaos ensues. But while the girls take some time to adapt to their new environment, the world has plans for them. [TDI Crossover]

After trying desperately to escape from the meteor shower; Gwen, Heather, Courtney, Bridgette, Lindsay, and Izzy awake to find themselves in a strange world inhabited by mutated, talking horses. Understandably, the girls are pretty freaked out, and Princess Celestia is asked to help calm the situation.

Long story short, each girl is placed in the home of one of the Mane 6, who will be their "guide" to adjusting to Equestrian life. Slowly but surely, the girls begin to adapt to their new environment. However, just as they begin to fit right in, new evils begin to emerge, and will be rooted in the issue of how they came to Equestria in the first place. [Total Drama Series Crossover]

Image has nothing to do with the plot of the story, I just thought it looked cool.

Published 2013-05-07 01:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-10 09:20:27 UTC

I: So... This Happened

I: So... This Happened

"Where am I?"

The first thing Courtney noticed when she woke up is that she was cold and tired. The second thing was that she had no idea where she was.

She certainly wasn't in Hawaii. The climate here was very moderate, with grassy plains and some dense forestry in the area, and not a single volcano in sight. She also knew this wasn't the Pacific Ocean, the last place she remembered being, because, well, she wasn't drowning.

She couldn't really pinpoint an exact area as to where she might be. If she had her phone on her, she might have been able to look it up, but unfortunately she didn't have that, or any of the other electronics she carries around, on her. And even if she did, it's more than likely they would have been destroyed by the ocean.

That was another problem. See, Courtney was the kind of person who liked to be on top of things, and at the moment that wasn't really possible.

Okay Courtney, she told herself, as she wandered around aimlessly near the edge of a forest, figure out where you are first, then worry about your missing files once this is all sorted out.

A thought occurred to Courtney. What if this was some kind of secret challenge from Chris? She thought Heather had already won the million, so was this the start of the next season or something? God, she hoped not. She still hadn't forgotten about her plan to sue the bastard for all he was worth, but it looked like that would have to wait a little while longer.

Another thought occurred to Courtney: was she the only one here? Were any of the other Total Drama contestants brought here? Surely at least a few of them had to be. And that was to say nothing about the inhabitants of this... place. Did anyone actually live here? Was this just a deserted island in the middle of nowhere? If it was, why was it deserted? The climate seemed decent enough and there were, as far as she could tell, no omnipresent predators lurking around, so what exactly was the problem? And if it wasn't deserted, then where the fuck was everyone?

Too many questions, Courtney, the mocha-skinned girl told herself, you're going to give yourself a brain aneurysm.

Courtney decided that the best place for her to look would be in the forest. Sure, it could potentially be more dangerous than the grassy plains surrounding it, but the plains just seemed to drag on endlessly while the forest had at least some kind of direction. If she was paying more attention, she would have noticed a house situated on top of a hill near the forest, but, uncharacteristically, she wasn't.

And she was about twenty-five paces into the forest when at least one of her questions was answered, because she just happened to bump into Gwen.

Now, Courtney's feelings about this were understandably mixed. On the one hand, it was nice to know that she wasn't stranded here alone, and it was kind of nice to see a familiar face. On the other hand, if there was one familiar face she could go the rest of her life without seeing, it would be Gwen. Well, actually, it would be Chris McLean, but Gwen was a close second.

After the collision, the two girls just sort of glared at each other. No one said anything, perhaps in worry that the slightest personal comment might start another row, perhaps just because they didn't really want to talk to each other. Finally, after what seemed like a millennium of silence, Gwen finally spoke.

"Have you found anyone else?" she asked.

"No," Courtney answered.

"Neither have I," Gwen said.

"OK," Courtney responded.

And after that there really wasn't anything left to say. Well, except the stuff that would cause another major fight. So, the two girls silently walked further and further into the forest, looking for any signs of life, friendly, hostile or otherwise. And they likely would have continued that, if not for the running and frantic shouting of one of their, ahem, "friends."

"Heather?" Gwen asked when she saw the black-haired girl running at speeds no human being should ever run at.

"Start running!" Heather shouted, "Get out of the forest! Ask questions later!"

She didn't seem like she was bullshitting, so the other girls managed to run out of the forest with no complaints. Once they got out though...

"Heather, what the fuck was that!?" Gwen asked angrily.

Heather laid down on the grass, panting furiously, "I... think we... lost it... lemme... catch... my breath."

"Lost what?"

"Tree wolf," Heather said.

"What?" Courtney said.

Heather said nothing, continuing to get her breath back to a regular motion. Once her adrenaline had subsided, she began to explain.

"You could have a little bit more patience, goth girl," Heather said, "Or was the fact that I was screaming like Rain Man with a megaphone not enough of an indication that this was a bad time."

Gwen growled.

"Anyways, I got chased by a- 'tree wolf.' I'm really not sure how else I describe it. It's a wolf that was made of tree logs."

Gwen raised an eyebrow, "Um- did you do acid back in Hawaii or did you wait until you got here to trip?"

"Fine, don't believe me then. But just look at me, you think I'd do this to myself?"

Heather was a mess. Her clothing was torn, she wasn't wearing shoes, her hair was all over the place, she had a several lacerations across her body and she had a large, forming, grotesque bruise on her right shoulder and upper arm.

Courtney bit, "So Heather, why was the 'tree wolf' attacking you?"

"I threw a rock at it."

The girls glared at her.

"What? Don't blame me, how was I supposed to know it was alive?"

Courtney sighed, "So, if you're done arguing, I have a question. What the fuck are we supposed to do now!?"

"We could always go back into the forest and see if anyone else ended up on this god forsaken rock," Gwen offered.

Heather cleared her throat, "Tree wolf," she said.

Gwen sighed, "Fine, I'll humor you Heather, we won't go back into the forest for fear of being attacked by a goddamn tree wolf. Now where else do you think we should go?"

"I think all the clown makeup might be affecting your eyesight," Heather smirked, "Because, past that bridge over there and right up that hill, there's a house."

"Hey, this is my first time outside the forest," Gwen said, "But it's not Courtney's."

And now it was Courtney's turn to earn the ire of her companions. Not really having an adequate justification for not noticing the house, Courtney simply looked down and blushed slightly.

"Can you make it up the hill, or do you need to catch your breath more?" Gwen asked sincerely.

"While I do appreciate your concern," Heather sneered, "I'm perfectly capable of walking up a hill, thank you very much."

"Hey, I was trying to be nice," Gwen said.

Heather grumbled, "Let's just go."

"Wait," Courtney said, "You're not seriously suggesting that we knock on a random person's door and ask what's going on, are you?"

"Um- yes," Gwen said, "That's... kind of what we've been talking about the last 5 minutes. Where have you been?"

"Well, wouldn't it make said person extremely uncomfortable?" Courtney protested.

"Do you have any better ideas?" Heather spat.

Obviously, the journey to the house wasn't a problem. It was only about a 10 minute walk, and it was a relatively small hill. The only mildly annoying part, other than the company the girls were dealing with, was this random chicken that kept circling around them.

"Um- I think this chicken's retarded," Heather said.

"It's a chicken. They're all dumb as hell," Gwen said.

"Yeah, but usually they mind their own business. This one probably was in chicken sped classes."

"Chickens don't have sped," Gwen said, "In fact, chickens don't really have any formal education at all."

"Oh fuck off Gwen, you get what I'm trying to say. Courtney gets it, right?"

"It's offensive," Courtney whined, "Not to mention inaccurate."

"Shut up, Courtney," the other two girls said.

And when they reached the door, they began bitching again, this time about who was going to knock. Gwen and Heather were yelling at each other mostly, providing inane reasons as to why the other one would have to knock on the door. Finally, Courtney gave in, and decided to knock 'professionally and respectfully,' And apparently, 'professionally and respectfully' included kicking the door with so much force, the other girls were surprised it didn't break. But what happened when the door opened was probably not something they were expecting.

You see, when a human being knocks on the door of a human-looking house, the natural thing to expect to find inside would be, well, a human(s). That, however, wasn't the case here, as when the door swung open, Heather, Gwen and Courtney were shocked to find that instead of a human being standing inside, it was a... horse?

Actually, none of the girls were quite sure. It looked vaguely similar to a horse, but not like any horse they'd ever seen before. For one thing, it was quite a bit smaller than a regular sized horse, although it didn't look like a foal. It was also... yellow. And something of an artificial looking yellow at that, as in, it looked like a colour you'd see in an art pallet. It also had a somewhat humanized looking face, completely with a fairly small and non-exaggerated snout and bright, expressive, blue eyes, as well as three pink butterflies tattooed on either side of its ass. It looked feminine, but since it was so unlike anything they'd ever seen before that they couldn't definitively pinpoint it as female. But despite everything that was just mentioned, none of those attributes were even the strangest part, no, the strangest part of its appearance was the two folds on either side of its body. They looked like... wings?

Of the three girls, the only one that even attempted to keep her composure was Courtney. Gwen and Heather simply stood their like lobotomized chimpanzees, jaws hanging low and a glazed, vacant expression in their eyes. Courtney was about to say something to this eldritch monstrosity, when the horse-thing's eyes widened in fear, it squealed in terror and quickly slammed the door, incoherently shouting something about 'monsters,' leaving the so-called heroines stranded on its front porch with no idea what to say or do.

Finally, Courtney spoke up, "So- what just happened?"

"Are- are we all tripping on acid?" Gwen asked.

"Well, from what I can gather, either we've somehow been sucked into some kind of parallel universe, where tree wolves and mutant horses exist, or we're on some seriously fucking good drugs right now," Heather said, "And since I don't remember doing any drugs since Camp Wawanakwa started and it'd be extremely unlikely for all 3 of us to have exactly the same trip, I think the crazy parallel universe theory might actually be the one that's making more sense right now."

While Gwen and Heather were looking confused, scared, and perhaps a little sad, Courtney had a big, stupid smile plastered across her face. It was actually a little bit creepy.

"Well, you seem oddly happy about us possibly never seeing any of our friends and family again," Gwen said.

"Oh, of course I'm happy," Courtney said, "Why wouldn't I be happy? There's nothing even slightly out of the ordinary here. For a second there I thought you said something about being transported to a parallel universe with no humans where we'll never see any of our family or friends again, which means that I'll never fulfill any of my lifelong goals, but it's good to know that this was all a big misunderstanding and that is in no way the current predicament we are dealing with. Goodnight."

Courtney shut her eyes and began feigning sleeping noises, leaving the other girls perplexed.

:"Um... you know it's broad daylight, right?" Gwen said.

"Don't bother trying to respond to that," Heather said, "I think Courtney's broken."

"Thank God for that," Gwen said, "This day's been pretty shitty so far, so I'm glad at least one thing is going right."

"Understatement of the century," Heather snarked, referring to Gwen describing the day as 'pretty shitty.'

And then they just kind of sat there. They really weren't sure what else they were supposed to do at this point (searching for others seemed like a pointless endeavor if they really were in an alternate universe; at this point it would just be introducing more people to their misery). And while they were technically on someone else's lawn, and if horse-girl came back to tell them to GTFO, they would probably leave, but until that actually happened, it was best if they stayed in a place they knew was safe, especially with Courtney being... odd.

However, the girls weren't waiting there for very long, as they were shortly spotted and tackled by another one of these bizarre looking characters. This one had many of the same features as the yellow horse, including the misplaced wings, except that this one was light blue, had rainbow hair (as opposed to the yellow horse's baby pink hair,) had lightning bolts instead of the butterflies on its ass, and didn't look so easily frightened.

The girls (or, Heather and Gwen at least, Courtney was still trapped in la-la land,) managed to see the blue-horse while she was descending, but it wasn't much help, she crashed into the trio and somehow managed to stay on top of them while they were tumbling, eventually ending up standing over Gwen, staring the girls down angrily.

"How do we get out of this?" Heather asked.

"I don't know. I'm the one that's trapped here," Gwen said, "You can just, I don't know, kick it in the balls or something."

"I don't think it has balls.. It looks female."

"It's worth a shot, isn't it?"

"Hey," the blue horse said (hilarious,) "What are you two talking about?"

"You can talk?" The girls said simultaneously.

"No, I can't. That's why I'm talking to you right now."

"It's definitely female," Heather said, "A very whiny female."

"Whiny?" the horse, well, whined, "Who are you calling whiny?"

"You," Heather said, "Nothing personal, it's just that your voice makes me want to punch kittens."

"Don't mind Heather," Gwen said, "She'd probably punch a kitten whether she heard your voice or not."

"Uh-huh..." the horse said, looking confused, "So, who, and what, exactly are you?"

"Funny," Heather said, "We were about to ask you the same thing. But since I am feeling rather generous today, I will go first; as long as you get off of us."

The blue horse obliged, dusting herself (with her front hooves?) as she let the girls get themselves up. After getting that settled, Heather cleared her throat and began to speak:

"My name is Heather Lee. I am the queen and imperial ruler of all humans. And this is Gwen Morrow, a peasant who feels the need to follow me everywhere I go."

"She's not actually a queen, blue-horse," Gwen said, "She's simply prone to delusions of grandeur and forgot to take her meds this morning."

"I do have a name, y'know," the blue horse said, "I'm Rainbow Dash, the fastest flier in all of Equestria and- wait, did you say human?"

"Yeah, that is what we are," Gwen said, "Well, actually, I'm not entirely sure about-" Gwen received an elbow in the ribs before she could finish that sentence.

"Oh, god dammit Lyra," Rainbow Dash mumbled.

"Who's Lyra?" Gwen asked.

"It's- it's not really important," Dash said, "Just, if you see a teal unicorn with a lyre as a cutie mark, run like your life depends on it. Because it probably does."

"Cutie mark?" Heather asked.

Dash looked puzzled, "You don't know what a cutie mark is?"

"Um- no," Heather said, "We kind of just arrived here."

Dash looked like she was about to do something, but then seemingly decided against it, "It's probably better if Twilight explains it to you."

"I read Twilight, and while I don't really remember it that well, I don't believe it ever mentioned Cutie Marks," Gwen said.

"You actually read Twilight?" Heather asked incredulously.

"Look, I was 13 at the time and I thought anything with vampires in it was cool. You can hardly blame me for picking up a book about vampires that everyone was reading at the time."

"I'd love to offer my two cents," Dash said, "But frankly I have no clue what either of you are talking about, so I'll just-" And it was at this moment that Dash finally noticed the third human, lying on the ground, seemingly in some kind of comatose state.

"Er- what's wrong with your friend?" Dash asked.

"EVERYTHING!" The girls replied.

"Right, then-" Dash said, backing away slowly. While she certainly wasn't intimidated by the humans (or, at least, would never admit to being intimidated by the humans,) she was starting to find them really weird. Their constant bickering wasn't helping that perception.

"Just, uh, stay around Fluttershy's house, alright? I'm just going to go, uh, get the others." Dash said, and flew away quickly, showing the girls that she wasn't completely bullshitting when she said she was the fastest flier in Equestria.

"Others?" Gwen asked, "Does she mean other horses or other humans?"

"Hell if I know," Heather said, "But at least we know the name of the yellow horse now. Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash... does anyone in 'Equestria' have a normal name. Or even something like Gwen?"

Gwen sighed, "I don't know either. There's only one thing I really know for sure about this place."

"And that is?"

Gwen snickered, "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."

Gwen began laughing boisterously. She was then promptly smacked in the back of the head.

Author's Note

For those of you wondering why the characters are so mean to each other, I'm going to take a wild guess and assume you've never seen Total Drama before. And that's not a problem; I will get into a little more detail as to why these characters specifically don't like each other, and then perhaps they can patch up their differences. Perhaps.

Anyways, just as a head's up, this story will have an overarching plot, but the first few chapters are just going to be a slice of life type thing, showing how our heroines adapt to life in Equestria.

And yes, Izzy, Bridgette and Lindsay will show up in the next chapter.

II: Crazy Meets Crazy

Bridgette was understandably pissed.

This wasn't the first time she was stranded in the middle of nowhere. She still hadn't forgotten about Blaineley's attempt to get rid of her, dropping her in the middle of Siberia and leaving her stranded to die. But it doesn't really matter how many times you find yourself waking up in a strange place that you've never seen before, with no one that you know around you (hell, she was in that situation enough times before Total Drama, albeit on a much less catastrophic scale,) that never really makes it fun.

And speaking of fun...

"Hi there!" Bridgette heard a voice shout. It was a somewhat high-pitched, bubbly, and feminine sounding voice, not too dissimilar from Katie and Sadie.

Bridgette woke up from the semi-slumber she was in prior to hearing the voice, and looked around to find the girls. But Katie and Sadie weren't there. As a matter of fact, no human being was there at all, all there was there was a pink equine-like being. And yes, it was pink. Very, very pink.

"Um- did you say that?" Bridgette asked. She was pretty sure that it wouldn't respond, but she couldn't see anyone else in sight, so it was worth a shot, right?

"Of course it was me, silly," the pink horse said happily, "Who else would it be? There's no one else here."

"Right- that makes sense I guess," Bridgette said sheepishly.

"My name is Pinkie Pie," the horse said, "Welcome to Ponyville, new friend."

"Ponyville?" Bridgette asked, "Is that what this place is called?"

"Depends what you mean by place," Pinkie said, much faster than normal speech, "You see, right now you're standing right outside Sugar Cube Corner, which is the bakery where I work, live, throw parties. Ponyville is the wonderfully amazing city where me and all my friends live. It's a totally fantastic place and I'd love to take you on a tour sometime. If; however, by place you mean this entire land, then it's called Equestria." Squee.

Bridgette raised an eyebrow, "You done yet?"

"Yup."

"Okay then," Bridgette said, "Well, I'll just be going then."

"Wait!" Pinkie shouted, "You can't go yet, you haven't told me anything about yourself. In fact, I don't even think you've told me your name yet."

"How do you know I haven't told you already and you just forgot?" Bridgette said.

"Silly billy, I know everything about my friends. I think I'd know if you told me your name."

God, was she annoying. Bridgette understood that she was at least trying to be nice, but that didn't make her any less irritated. Perhaps the rushed declaration of the two of them being friends could be passed off as something normal in their culture that just didn't translate well, but there was no excuse for her ADHD-inspired ramblings. Still though, if all ponies were like this, and this was going to be the stuff she'd have to put up with as long as she was stuck here, then she might as well do her best to cooperate.

"Okay," Bridgette said, "My name is Bridgette Collins. I am a human being from the planet Earth. I'm not sure how I got here, or why I'm here, or if any other humans are here."

"Well, Bridge-"
"It's Bridgette," the girl corrected.

"Oh, sorry. I'm guessing you get that a lot."

Actually, she didn't, but Bridgette decided it was better to go along with it.

"Anyways, Bridgette, I don't know about those first two questions, but I can answer the third one. There's a redheaded human who showed up around the same time you did."

Bridgette was genuinely curious, "Do you know where she is?"

"She's with my friend Rarity. They're having lots and lots of fun."

"That's amazing," Bridgette said emotionlessly.

"Hey, are you okay?" Pinkie asked.

Don't get mad at her, Bridgette told herself, It's not her fault your in this situation.

"Well, I'm in a strange land I've never seen or heard of before, populated by a species that I didn't even know existed before today; and I have no idea how I got here, why I'm here, or most importantly, how I get back, meaning that I may never see my friends and family again. Other than that, just peechy." Bridgette sat down, somewhat relieved and exhausted from her mini-rant.

"I see..." Pinkie said thinking, before her face lit up, "You know what you need? A welcome party! I'll start planning right now, it'll be the best welcome party ever!"

"Thanks," Bridgette said. Yeah, the prospect of a party didn't cheer her up nearly as much as Pinkie hoped, but at least Bridgette thought that, if there was a party, she would be able to drink away her problems.

Interrupting Bridgette's train of thought was the arrival of another pony, except this one was blue, with rainbow hair, and for some reason, had wings (we already did this joke, so I'm not going to repeat it.)

"Oh, hi Dashie!" Pinkie shouted happily.

"Hi Pinkie Pie," Dash said, "I see you met another one of the humans."

Others? Bridgette wondered, how many of us are there?

"You did too?" Pinkie asked.

"Three of them," Dash said, "They were jerks. Well, two of them were jerks, the other one might have been dead."

"You wouldn't happen to know their names by any chance, would you?" Bridgette asked.

"Gwen, Courtney, and uh, the third one was a flower... Heather, that's it."

And for the first time since arriving in Ponyville, Bridgette breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. Okay, most of her problems were still present, she was still in a strange land she knew absolutely nothing about, but at least there would be people she knew here. Granted, not necessarily people she liked, but people she knew. And it's not like they were all bad either, she was friends with Gwen, Courtney was tolerable in small doses, and Heather had definitely mellowed out since they first met. Granted, she went from a full-on sociopath to simply being a bitch, but it's a start.

(Technically, Dash never actually said it was that Gwen, Courtney and Heather, but who the fuck else could it be)?

"Do you know where they are?" Bridgette asked.

"They're at Fluttershy's house," Dash said, "Um- I'm guessing you have no idea where that is."

"I have no idea who that is," Bridgette said.

"Right," Dash said, "Come with me and I'll take you to them. It's probably best if we leave now anyways, ponies are beginning to stare."

Bridgette looked around, and saw that, while there wasn't a huge crowd or anything, there were several ponies who were stopping and looking curiously at the newcomer. Before Bridgette could say anything else, Dash picked her up bridal style.

"Pinkie, you check on Rarity, make sure she's okay," Dash said, "Alright, let's go!"

"Giddy up, Tyrone!" Izzy shouted.

"My name is not Tyrone," the white horse protested, "My name is Rarity, and I'd appreciate if you didn't sit on me and try to ride me like I'm a four-bit whore at a brothel, I am a lady, and-"

Izzy stuffed a makeshift bit into Rarity's mouth and around her snout, and then seemingly out of nowhere pulled out a whip, "Less talking, more riding."

Much to Rarity's dismay, this was mostly how the entire afternoon went, with Rarity's dignity being offended in every way humanly possible, and Izzy either completely oblivious to the fact that she was a sapient being, or simply not giving a shit about it. More likely the latter. And then, of course, there was the nickname, Tyrone, which Izzy decided to give to Rarity because she thought it was "ironic."

While Izzy was riding her around her lawn, Rarity was doing everything she could to get Izzy off. This, of course, meant getting her fur and hooves dirty, but she figured it was better to be dirty than it was to be under the control of this... thing. However, it was to no avail, as Izzy held onto her coat with a vice-like grip, hurting Rarity and making some grotesque markings in the process.

"Ow," Rarity attempted to complain, but her speech was obstructed. Fortunately, she soon enough got the distraction she needed.

"Rarity?" she heard a high pitched, squeaky voice say.

Sweetie Belle, Rarity thought, please don't see me, please don't see me. She did.

"Uh... Rarity?" Sweetie Belle asked, "What are you doing?"

"Um..." Rarity tried to answer, but Izzy responded first.

"Oh my God," she said, her face lighting up, "Tyrone Jr!"

She mercifully got off Rarity and went to go look at the new arrival to Izzy's carnival of psycho. This, however, didn't sit well with the older sibling.

"She looks a little small to ride," Izzy said, "But maybe I could use her as some kind of-"

"Leave my sister alone!" Rarity shouted, and head-butted Izzy, hoping it would knock her out. It didn't.

"Ooh, this pony likes to play rough. Alright Tyrone, let's play rough."

Izzy then got back up, tackled Rarity, and the two of them rolled... directly into a large patch of mud. The now bit-less Rarity groaned. Izzy smiled.

"Rarity, are you and her..." Sweetie Belle began to say.

"NO!" Rarity shouted, trying to get up from under Izzy, who was surprisingly strong for someone that looked like a twig.

"What exactly is she?" Sweetie Belle asked again.

"I'm not sure, but she appears to have a weird obsession with white things and being dirty."

"So, she's a black guy?" Sweetie said.

And now, awkward silence.

"Well, that was..." Izzy started.

"Unnecessary." Rarity completed the thought. Sweetie Belle went from having the cutest look on her face, to looking dejectedly heartbroken (but still cute,) when she found that her big sister didn't like her joke.

"Okay, I'll just... go now..." Sweetie Belle said, looking like she was about to burst into tears. Rarity glared at her tormentor.

"Wait, what even is a black guy?" Rarity asked.

"Let's put it this way, what Sweetie Belle just said is one of the most racist things I've ever heard. And I've watched Fox News."

"Ah, I get it. Wait, what's Fox News?"

Fortunately, before more awkwardness could occur, Pinkie Pie, who has we all know, is the absolute master of making things not awkward, showed up.

"You two having fun?"

Both of them answered simultaneously, although their answers were vastly different.

"Pinkie, could you please get this harlot off of me? She's making me very uncomfortable- not to mention absolutely disgusting."

"So, what you're saying is that you need an adult?" Pinkie teased.

"Yes, yes, you are an adult, never heard that one before," Rarity deadpanned, "How about a little help here?"

Pinkie rolled her eyes and trotted over to Izzy.

"As much as I hate to be a party pooper, you should probably stop assaulting my friend."

"She looks find to me," Izzy said, pointing at the bruised and refuse-covered pony, who was clearly not fine.

"Well, either way, Dash wanted me to find you and bring you to Fluttershy's house."

"Sounds good," Izzy said, "Bye Tyrone!"

"Actually, Rarity should probably come too."

"I will be there eventually," Rarity said, "Just let me go... towel off."

Back at Fluttershy's house, four human girls and two ponies were waiting around. Some were being more patient than others.

"Why are we still here?" Heather complained, "Is this like a quarantine or something?"

"Yes, we're being trapped here to make sure your bitchiness doesn't spread to the noble civilians of Equestria," Gwen said.

Heather looked like she was going to smack the goth girl again.

"Well how am I supposed to fucking know?" Gwen said, "I'm just as clueless as you are. Go ask Rainbow Flash or whatever the hell her name is."

Heather noticed the two pegasi (as she had since learned that they were called,) essentially standing on guard. For what, she wasn't quite sure.

"Dash," she yelled, "Why are we being kept here?"

"Haven't I already explained that to you?" Dash yelled back.

"Not really," Bridgette interjected, "You've said that we had to wait here but you've never said what we're waiting for."

Rainbow Dash flew over to the bridge to get closer to the girls o they didn't have to scream, at each other from 50 feet away.

"Okay," Dash said, "We're keeping you here for the moment until we have all of you here, as well as getting all of the Elements of Harmony here so we can decide what to do with you."

"What to do with us?" Heather asked.

"Well, you don't seem like a hostile threat, so we probably won't have to use the Elements of Harmony on you, but we're still not sure how exactly to integrate several members of a completely different species who are from what seems like a completely different universe into the Ponyville community. We should probably send a letter to Princess Celestia, but we need Spike to do that, and he's at Twilight's house."

"So, why don't you just go get this 'Spike'?" Gwen asked, "And what exactly are the Elements of Harmony? They sound kind of important."

"Again, Twilight is the walking encyclopedia of the group, not me," Dash said, "I'm sure once she gets here she'll be more than happy to tell you anything your heart desires."

"Do you really believe that?" Fluttershy whispered.

"Probably not, but it'll get them to stop asking me questions, won't it?" Dash replied, "Anyways, if you want to know why you're specifically being kept here, it's because it's just easier to group here because that's where three of you already are. That, and the fact that not a lot of ponies come around here, as it is right next to the Everfree Forest, so hopefully we won't cause any mass Hysteria."

"Unfortunately, that's kinda already happening."

Dash looked around to see that Izzy and Pinkie Pie had suddenly appeared on the bridge.

"When did you- never mind. Izzy, right?"

"Yup," Izzy said, and reached her hand out for Dash to shake it... only to quickly realize that she wasn't sure how the mechanics of that were supposed to work.

Pinkie continued with her train of thought from earlier, "A couple ponies saw Bridgette outside sugar cube corner, and several more saw Izzy when she was assaulting Rarity, so while no one's burnt down any buildings yet, a lot of ponies are more than a little curious as to what's going on.

"Wait, you were assaulting Rarity?"

"Not too badly, she just completely ruined her coat."

Dash laughed, "That's actually pretty funny."

"Um, Dashie," Fluttershy said, "Don't you think we should focus on the bigger issue right now?"

"Yeah, yeah, you're right," Dash replied, "Where is Rarity anyways?"

"She's just cleaning off. She'll be here once she's done with that."

"Although knowing Rarity, that'll probably take her a year and a half," Dash said.

"Touche," Pinkie said, "Anyways, Twilight and Spike are still back at their house."

"I should get them then," Dash said.

"Don't you need to stay here, and, um, make sure that the humans stay here?" Fluttershy asked.

"I'm sure you and Pinkie can handle it," Dash said, "And besides, Rarity will be here soon anyways."

"What about Applejack?" Pinkie asked.

"Oh yeah, I guess we should get her too," Dash said, "Pinkie, why don't you do that?"

"Okie dokie lokie," Pinkie said happily.

Dash and Pinkie departed to get their companions. This, however, left Fluttershy all alone with the humans, and it had becom rather clear to them that Fluttershy's name was pretty accurate.

"Um... girls, I would really appreciate it if you, um, didn't leave," Fluttershy said, not really convinced of her own effect.

But while Fluttershy was concerned about making sure that the girls didn't flee, Twilight was having some problems of her own.

At the library tree, Twilight was reading in her room, while Spike, giving up on trying to catch some extra Z's, was just chilling around the house, when they heard a knock on the door. Spike, being closer, and also being, well, Spike, opened the door. But instead of finding one of Twilight's friends or another pony, he instead found something else entirely.

Spike wasn't entirely sure what to make of this creature. Unlike a pony, it walked upright, with two of its appendages hanging loosely at its side. However, it definitely wasn't a dragon either, as scales or a tail was nowhere to be found. In fact, it didn't really look like it had a lot of fur either, as its body was mostly covered by flesh, and the only abundance of hair was on the top of its head. It also had two large mounds of flesh in its chest area.

And Spike wasn't sure why, but he liked that. He really liked that.

Author's Note

So here we are. Not the most thorough plan by the Mane 6, but we have to get our characters established, right?

And for those of you wondering, I will eventually right another chapter of Friendship is Power, but it's not really my focus right now, so don't put a timetable on it.

III: Letter to the Princess

"Aw, it's so cute!" The being shouted, and Spike had a bad feeling she was talking about him. Not surprisingly, she was.

Before Spike could react, he was picked up and cuddled up against her chest. Initially, Spike wasn't sure whether he was upset over being treated like a stuffed animal or happy because he got close physical contest with this mysterious yet strangely attractive... whatever she is. Eventually, Spike learned to stop worrying and love the tits.

"I'm not entirely sure what you are, but you are so cute," she exclaimed again, "Ooh, I'm going to call you Tyler. My boyfriend's name is Tyler, but I can't seem to find him anywhere."

"My name is Spike," Spike managed to squeak out from being crushed under the weight of her absolutely massive jugs.

"That's a much better name for you then Tyler," Lindsay said, "It matches the scales on your body. I'm Lindsay."

"Hi, Lindsay," Spike said again, "Can you put me down now, I can't breathe."

"Sorry," Lindsay said, and quickly dropped Spike... meaning that he landed on his ass from several feet up.

"Ow," he said, "Thanks."

"Spike, who are you talking to?" Spike heard the voice of Twilight Sparkle call.

He really wasn't entirely sure how to answer that question, as he had yet to figure out what Lindsay was. So, he decided to wait until Twilight reached the front of their house and let her see for herself.

In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best idea, but then again, he couldn't really anticipate Lindsay's reaction upon seeing the purple alicorn.

Twilight had to blink and rub her eyes when she saw Lindsay, just to make sure she wasn't dreaming or hallucinating. She had heard of humans before, she had read up a few books on the subject and of course she had heard Lyra prattle on about humans more than she would like to, but up until this point they were squarely under the mythology section. There was no proof that they existed or that they had ever existed at all, and yet, here one was, standing in her living room.

Well, only one thing to do at this point. Shake hooves and say hello.

"Hello, human female," Twilight said, "My name is Twilight Sparkle. What brings you to my house?"

"Unicorn..." Lindsay mumbled.

"Are you alright there?" Twilight asked.

Lindsay didn't say anything, she just stared at Twilight with a bizarre look on her face.

"Spike, I think this human's broken," Twilight said, "Either that, or they aren't nearly as intelligent as Homo Sapien Mythos said they were."

"Her name is Lindsay," Spike said, "And she doesn't seem particularly overburdened with intelligence. She's really hot though."

"Oh no," Twilight said, "You're already head over heels for Rarity, we don't need another potential interspecies relationship around here."

"Yeah, but come on," Spike complained, "Just look at her, um..."

"Breasts," Twilight said flatly, "You're attracted to her breasts."

"Yeah, that..." Spike said dreamily, with hearts seemingly forming in his eyes. Twilight did not look pleased.

"Oh, like you wouldn't," Spike said.

Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"I need to get some guy friends," Spike sighed.

"Hi," Lindsay said, making sure the inhabitants knew she was still there, "Could someone explain what's going on here?"

"We're... not entirely sure," Twilight said, "We've always believed human beings we're entirely mythology."

"Uh... come again?" Lindsay asked.

"Mythology," Twilight said, "You- you do know what that is, right?"

"Isn't that the study of stuff that happened in the past?" Lindsay asked.

Twilight's mouth hung open and one of her eyes began twitching slightly. Lindsay cleared her throat.

"Anyways, my question is, why am I talking to a dragon and a unicorn? I thought those were like, fake, or something?"

"Well, actually, I'm an alicorn," Twilight said happily, "You can tell the difference by the fact that I also have a pair of wings in addition to my horn. Common mistake made my outsiders, don't worry. Although, I was actually born a unicorn, but then became an alicorn not too long ago, when... actually, I'm not entirely sure how the mechanisms of the transformation actually work, but I do know that-"

Twilight realized she was rambling. Normally Spike would have cut her off at this point and got her to stay on topic, but he was still fascinated by boobs.

"Sorry, got a little carried away there. Anyways, I think if we continued this questioning, it would eventually turn into us both asking 'why are you here?' over and over again. And considering that I can tell that you are just as confused as we are, I am apologizing for assuming you're stupid. Admittedly, you're misplacement doesn't explain why you don't know what mythology is, but perhaps it's just a word that doesn't translate..."

Twilight suddenly realized that Lindsay was no longer standing in front of her.

"...well."

Lindsay had lost interest in what Twilight was saying and was now rummaging through her books. Thankfully, she wasn't making too much of a mess, but Twilight did feel the need to say something.

"Lindsay, what are you looking for?" Twilight asked, trying to sound friendly, although by this point she was getting rather annoyed by the human's bizarre behaviour.

"I don't know," Lindsay smiled, "Just looking around, seeing if there's anything I like."

"Well, try not to make too much of a mess," Twilight said, "I'd rather not have to clean it up."

"You mean you'd rather not have to make me clean it up," Spike added resentfully.

"Why would you make him clean up," Lindsay asked, "He's so cute!"

Before Twilight had a chance to respond, she once again heard a knock on the door. This time, it was Rainbow Dash entering.

"Y'know Rainbow, you're supposed to knock before you enter my house."

"Sorry Twi," Dash said, "But we have to get you to Fluttershy's house, fast.

"What's the problem?"

"It's-"

Rainbow Dash then noticed the human being in the library.

"Oh, and she's gotta come too."

******************

So, we finally had all of our main heroes in one place. The human girls were all shuffled off to the side, looking bored as all hell, and apparently not too happy about seeing that Lindsay had joined their ranks. Meanwhile, the ponies + Spike were closer to Fluttershy's house and were attempting to work out how to deal with the situation.

"Are you ok, Fluttershy?" Dash asked, "They didn't hurt you to badly, did they?"

"Oh, not at all," Fluttershy said happily, "None of them ran off into the Everfree Forest and I only got one swirly."

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.

"So, there's 6 of them?" Rarity asked, "And I thought the one human was bad. How am I supposed to deal with six of these monstrosities?"

"Oh, cheer up Rarity," Pinkie said, "She wasn't so bad."

"Wasn't so bad!? Did you see what she did to my mane? Not to mention the rest of me."

"Ah think what Rarity's tryin' to say," Applejack interjected, "Is that if one human can cause all these problems, imagine what 6 could do? 'Specially considering we have no experience in dealing with them whatsoever."

"They can't be that dangerous," Twilight said, "The one that showed up at my house was completely harmless, if a little simple."

"They gave Fluttershy a swirly," Dash countered, "Who could possibly be that evil?"

"You," Fluttershy said, "Remember fifth grade at Flight School?"

Rainbow Dash stammered a little, "Well, yeah, but that was different. We were just fillies, I've changed a lot since then, you know that."

"And that's exactly my point," Fluttershy said, "If you can change; hell, if Discord, the god of chaos, can change, then why can't they become nicer ponies... er, humans, as well?"

"Question," Rarity interjected, "Which one of the humans was actually the one that dunked you in a toilet bowl? Was it a group effort."

"A little bit," Fluttershy said, "But it was mostly the one with the raven hair and torn clothes... Heather, I believe her name is. The others just sort of went along with it."

"I'm not surprised," Rarity said, "Even though the redhead is a complete basket case, there's just something about that one, well, all of them have it a little bit, but that girl in particular, that I find utterly despicable."

"Ah think ah know what you mean," Applejack said, "She kinda reminds me of Diamond Tiara, that filly who always bothers Apple Bloom. There's just somethin' about her that just really pisses me off. Although the redhead is nuttier than a kangaroo on coke."

"Kangaroo on coke?" Pinkie said, "Now that's something I would pay to see. And I never pay for anything."

"You pay for stuff all the time, Pinkie," Twilight said, "You're actually pretty generous with your money compared to a certain pegasus friend our ours."

Twilight glared at Fluttershy, who blushed and hid her face.

"Shh, don't ruin my joke," Pinkie said.

"If we're done arguing about Pinkie's spending habits," Applejack interrupted, "Can we decide what exactly we're going to do with the humans."

"Are they still even here?" Twilight turned around to see Gwen, Heather and Izzy all fighting with each other, Bridgette trying desperately to calm them down and failing miserably, Courtney still in her trance and Lindsay obliviously chasing a butterfly.

"Okay, so they're still here," Twilight said.

"Well, my suggestion was that we just send a letter to Princess Celestia. I'm sure she'll know what to do," Dash said.

"But this isn't her problem, it's our problem," Twilight countered, "We can't just distribute any issue we don't know how to deal with on to her. Besides, now that I'm technically not her student anymore, I'm not sure if I can send her letters."

"That was only friendship letters that you don't need to send anymore," Spike, who had been silent for most of the discussion, said, "If you need to contact her, she won't turn you down. Besides, you wrote her a letter for a much less severe situation than this one."

Twilight's face turned bright red, "Oh yeah. That."

"Hello!" The ponies heard Heather yelling, "We're still here!"

"We'll be with you in a moment!" Applejack shouted back.

"Impatient bitch..." She grumbled.

"So, are you going to write a letter?" Pinkie asked.

"Yes," Twilight said, "Spike, you know what to do."

Spike quickly got out the familiar parchment paper and quill, and began writing.

"And done," Spike said after 45-60 seconds of writing.

"Could you read it back to me?" Twilight asked.

"Dear Princess Celestia," Spike began, "As weird as this may sound, we have found 6 homo sapiens scattered across Ponyville. We have managed to get them all into one area, Fluttershy's cottage, and as far as we can tell most ponies haven't seen them yet, but we're still not entirely sure what to do with them. We were hoping you would be able to help. Sincerely, Spike, Twilight, etc. etc."

"That's fine Spike-"

"P.S, do you have any advice on how I [Spike] could score with the hot blonde?"

Before Twilight could protest, Spike quickly used his dragon breath to send the letter. Not surprisingly, this enraged Twilight.

"SPIKE!" Twilight shouted, "You actually sent that!?"

"Well, yes," Spike said meekly, "I thought it was funny."

Twilight look at him like she was about to throttle him. Knowing Twilight, she probably was too.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Spike laughed nervously.

Thankfully, before Spike or anyone else ended up with a concussion, Spike burped out Celestia's return letter.

Dear Twilight et al,
I have received your letter. Please make sure that neither you nor the humans venture too far from your current location. I have sent guards to deal with the situation. They will take all of you to Canterlot where we can discuss the matter further.
Sincerely, Celestia
P.S. A blonde, huh? Just make sure you bring liquor and you shouldn't have a problem?

"See, I knew Celestia wouldn't be mad," Spike said, "Although I'm not sure where I'm going to get the liquor. Actually, I've never drank alcohol in my life, so that might end up being disastrous for me."

Twilight ignored him. "Princess Celestia sounds really serious about this. Maybe this is a bigger deal than we're all making it out to be."

"Or maybe she's just being careful," Applejack said, "Maybe she had a bad experience with humans in the past, or maybe she just wants to make sure that their arrival hasn't destroyed the space-time continuum."

"I think that last one would be a much bigger quandry than anything Twilight or Celestia had in mind," Rarity said.

"You keep bringing up that name. Who exactly is Princess Celestia?" Gwen asked.

Twilight was more than happy to answer this one. "Princess Celestia is the co-ruler of Equestria. She's also responsible for raising the sun every day."

"Ah, so she's like a pagan God," Gwen said, "But you said she's also the ruler of the nation."

"Co-ruler actually, but I see where you're coming from."

"Well, no one on Earth has every actually met the creator of our universe. We're actually really not sure whether or not he even exists," Bridgette chimed in.

"So... who raises the sun and the moon then?"

"Well, the sun has its own gravitational orbit which causes Earth, and other planets which don't have life on them, to orbit around it. Just like the much smaller moon orbits around us." Gwen said.

"Your universe is weird," Rainbow Dash said.

"Rainbow!" Twilight scolded.

She then turned her attention back to the curious girls, "That actually sounds pretty interesting. Although I have to say, Celestia didn't create our universe, or even Equestria, so she's not really a 'god' in the sense that you're thinking of. She is venerable and very powerful, but we do know she and her sister were born at some point."

"Her sister?" Bridgette asked.

"Well, I said Celestia was co-ruler. Well, Princess Luna, Celestia's sister, is the one who raises the moon. And then there's Princess Cadence, who doesn't raise any celestial bodies, but she is basically the goddess of love, and rules the Crystal Empire along with her husband Shining Armor, who also happens to be my brother," Twilight sighed, "And then there's me."

"You're a princess too!?" The girls said at the same time.

"Well, technically yes, although I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be the ruler of at this point. But I'm sure I'll figure that out in due time."

"Interesting," Gwen pondered, "So, what you're essentially saying is that in Equestria, princesshood, or really, becoming royalty in general, is something that is given, and I'm going to go out on a limb and assume it has to be earned somehow, rather than something that is inherited."

"Well... actually I'm not 100% sure," Twilight said, "I know for Cadence and myself it was earned. My brother became a prince by marrying into royalty. I'm not sure if this was the case with Celestia and Luna, and a lot of the minor nobles did inherit their position of power. I'm assuming that's how it is in your society."

"Gwen, you're getting like seriously into this," Bridgette remarked.

"Because it's fucking interesting," Gwen said, "I mean, I'm learning about how the nuances of a foreign society work, and it's nothing like I've ever seen before. Honestly, I kind of wish political power was something that could be earned. In Canada, it's not technically inherited, although coming from a wealthy family does help, but elections are largely a popularity contest, based on who has more charisma rather than who's actually more qualified to become prime minister, or whatever position they happen to be vying for."

"Regrettably," Twilight said, "We have that too, although to a lesser extent."

"I do have one more question, though," Gwen said, "If you and Celestia and all the rest of you are the highest authority in the land, why are you princesses? Why aren't you queens?"

"I believe that's because the title of queen is retired," Twilight said, "It's a long and complex story which I'd rather not get into."

"Um... we're not going anywhere," Bridgette said, "We've got time."

"Well, I don't know absolutely everything, but-"

Once again, Twilight was cut off. She watched as tranquilizer darts were shot into the necks of Gwen and Bridgette, and saw them stand there for a few seconds before collapsing on the ground. Looking around, she saw the same thing happen with the remaining humans (Courtney didn't really need it, but as they say, there's no kill like overkill. Or... overstun, rather?)

"Was that really necessary?" Twilight asked one of the royal guards, presumably the leader, that had arrived.

The guard, Talon, responded, "We just needed to make sure they weren't a threat, princess. They'll all be fine by tomorrow. Now, please come with us."

Author's Note

Sorry that this chapter was rather boring compared to my two previous ones. It was mostly exposition that I needed to get out of the way. Things will be more interesting in Chapter 4, I promise.

IV: Land of Confusion

This was the second time in as many days that the girls had woken up in a place they've never been before. This time, it appeared as if they were in some kind of hospital, with the staff along with several of the guards uncomfortably watching them. Their clothes were also different, they were wearing some kind of awful flannel material that barely covered their bodies and that no person should ever have to wear. Still, in a society where humanity technically didn't exist, they probably didn't have a lot of options for clothing and therefore even Lindsay recognized that there wasn't much of a point in complaining.

Oh, and Courtney finally woke up.

"Are we back home yet?" Courtney asked.

"Nope. Still in Ponyland," Gwen said, "And don't you dare faint again."

"Ponyville," Izzy corrected.

"Shut up, Izzy," several of the girls yelled back.

"Actually, you're neither in Ponyland nor Ponyville at the moment. You're in Canterlot, the capital and second largest city in Equestria, as well as my home."

Another pony, this one significantly larger than any of the other ones they had seen, entered the infirmary. She had a white coat, and multicoloured, almost ethereal looking hair. The other ponies seemed to bow or at least dip their heads, indicating either fear or reverence... more likely the latter.

"Princess Celestia?" Gwen asked.

"Indeed," Celestia answered, "Welcome, newest citizens. I apologize for the tranquilizer darts and any other hostilities you may have experienced on your way here, but we needed to make sure you weren't a threat."

"What possible threat could we pose?" Heather asked, "We're a bunch of kids who were mysteriously dumped in a land we didn't even know existed."

"It doesn't take a lot of knowledge or skill to carry around a bomb," Celestia said darkly. This scared Heather just a little bit.

"But what's with the clothes?" Lindsay asked, "These are like, totally gross."

"We only had a limited amount of material," Celestia said, "I made the assumption that clothes are a necessity in your culture, and therefore you would be very uncomfortable with walking around naked, but we our supply was limited and we had to make due with what we had. I'm sure you can forgive us," there was a slight threatening edge to her voice, not enough to legitimately scare or worry anyone but enough to say 'it's best if we don't disagree with her.'

"But why did we need new clothes in the first place?" Courtney asked.

"Because our old ones were disgusting," Gwen said, "I mean, I'm not a fashionista like Lindsay is, but I do have standards when it comes to clothing."

"But wait," Courtney said, "If we had our clothes changed, then that means-"

"Neither Lieutenant Talon nor any of the other male guards were present during your strip search and subsequent changing," Celestia said, "We wouldn't let Talon strip search any females anyway- especially since the Zecora incident."

"So I was naked around a bunch of females I never met before as opposed to a bunch of males," Courtney whined, "That's so much better."

"Oh relax Courtney," Heather said, "It's not the end of the world. I mean, fucking Harold saw my tits, and I survived, so I'm sure you can live with a bunch of cute little ponies seeing your naughty bits."

"Maybe it's not a big deal to a slut like you," Courtney said, "But I have a reputation to uphold."

"A reputation of uptight bitchiness?" Gwen said, "And besides, we're a universe away from said reputation, so I think you'll be alright."

"Don't remind me of that," Courtney said, "I'm trying to forget the fact that all my aspirations have been pissed down the drain by... by... Princess, why are we here anyways?"

Celestia sighed, and, for the first time since they saw her, she didn't look so powerful and ominous, "I legitimately don't know. I wish I could tell you, I wish I could say there was a particular purpose for bringing you here. But I can't."

"But... you at least know how to send us back, right?" Courtney asked.

Celestia didn't respond, she just looked at Courtney with a somber, heart-breaking glare in her eyes. They knew.

"I'll see what I can do," Celestia said, "But in the meantime, you might as well get comfortable here, because it's going to take a while to send you back, if it's even possible."

The girls couldn't really say they were that surprised. Disappointed, absolutely, but this was something that they had all kind of expected, and just could never confirm. Whatever sent them to Equestria in the first place was clearly some kind of supernatural phenomenon that doesn't happen very often, and it being beyond even Celestia's reach confirmed that theory.

That didn't mean they were any less pissed.

Courtney and Heather were immediately enraged. With no real outlet to place their anger in and them realizing that bitching at Celestia was probably a bad idea, so they quickly turned their fighting onto the other girls, trying to somehow blame everyone else without looking hilariously stupid (spoiler: they did.) Gwen, meanwhile, not taking too kindly to being the punching bag of two women she hated, was yelling back at them, while Bridgette was trying desperately to calm everyone down. Izzy, as per usual, didn't really see what the big deal was, and instead of freaking out like the other girls were, seemed to actually be looking forward to a new life in Equestria. At the very least, here she wouldn't be getting chased by the RCMP across the nation. Celestia calmly watched the girls freak out, hoping they would relax but realizing that they were going through a very difficult time, something which even Celestia herself never really experienced. Most of the hospital staff; however, were much less patient.

"Hey, we're trying to work here," one of the doctors called out, "I know it's a tough time for you, but could you please take your existential crisis somewhere else?"

Bridgette sighed, "She's right. Girls, we should probably leave them alone."

But the person with the most curious reaction was Lindsay. For about a minute and a half after Celestia said that Equestria was a one-way trip, she sat there in silence watching everyone else lose their shit. Then, entirely without warning, she got up, walked over to the door and left, slamming it on the way out.

"What's her deal?" Courtney asked.

"She's angry, and she wants to blow off steam," Celestia said, "Personally, I believe her method is a lot more productive then just screaming at your friends. We will have to answer for why there's suddenly a human in the middle of Canterlot wondering around, but I can live with that."

"We're... not really friends," Heather said.

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that," Celestia said.

***************

"So, how did it go?" Twilight asked her ex-teacher.

"They're not taking it very well," Celestia responded, "Although that is to be expected. I did; however, learn that they don't consider themselves friends, which is a little more disconcerting."

"With all due respect, princess," Rainbow Dash said, "Not everypony is going to be friends with every other pony. I can think of at least 15 ponies off the top of my head that I'm definitely not on good terms with."

"That's true," Celestia said, "But these girls have clearly been through a lot together. I'm not entirely sure of the particulars, although if I asked I think they'd tell. But there's definitely something going on."

"Maybe friendship just isn't as highly valued on... wherever they said they were from," Twilight said.

"That was my thought process too," Celestia said, "But that's systemic of a much bigger problem."

"Personally, I believe it's a little early to judge," Rarity said, "Princess, you're assessment that they've been through a lot is most likely accurate, but as you said, we don't know specifically what they've been through. Perhaps there are some extenuating circumstances that we aren't aware of at this point."

"Interesting," Celestia said, "Did you have anything in mind?"

"Well, I noticed a particularly large amount of bad blood between the ones named Gwen and Heather," Rarity continued, "I was thinking that there's much more going on than simply the two hating each other's guts. Maybe one of them stole the other one's stallionfriend, or something along those lines. Or perhaps they used to be best friends and became estranged for whatever reason. Or, maybe they even used to be lovers."

"Well, it's a thought," Applejack said, "The more likely one is that they're just jerks because their society is full of jerks. When you're being transported to an entirely different universe, you gotta expect some culture shock."

"Anyways," Celestia said, "My plan was this. Since there are 6 of you, well, actually 7, but 6 different houses, and there are 6 girls, I would assign each of you one of the girls. Your job is to house them, make sure they have food and shelter and all that, but also to make sure that they work their way into becoming productive members of Equestrian society."

"Aren't we a little old for a babysitting job? And for that matter, aren't they a little old for a babysitting job?" Dash asked.

"You're never too old for a babysitting job, Dashie," Pinkie said, "I just started babysitting the Cake's kids, and after a rough start, it turned out to be a ton of fun."

"I don't mean to rain on your parade, Pinkie, but it won't really be babysitting in that sense," Celestia said, "Think of it more as... helping out a friend in need. And I know you don't really consider any of the human's your friend at this point, but hopefully that will soon change. I do believe that there is a kind heart inside all of them, you just have to dig past all the bullshit to find it."

Celestia didn't swear very often. When she did, she only ever did in either when she was alone or with people she could trust (the Mane 6, Luna, Cadence, etc,) and only for two reasons: either as an expletive when something awful or annoying happened, or to illustrate a point. And this time, it was definitely the latter.

Twilight grumbled. She had become rather familiar with those words, and she couldn't really argue against what Celestia was saying, but she still wasn't particularly keen on having a freeloader in the house, especially if it was going to be someone she had already taken a dislike to.

"Another problem," Rainbow Dash added, "My house is in the sky. And if my, ahem, research is correct, none of these humans have wings."

"I did think of that beforehand," Celestia said, "Which is why I've decided to make you the overall supervisor of the project."

"Does that... does that mean I'm the leader?" Dash said, wide-eyed and looking like she was going to burst with enthusiasm.

"You can think of yourself like that."

"YES!" Dash screamed, "Ha! In your face Twilight, I'm the leader now!"

"Hey, could you keep it down there," they heard a guard yell, "Some of us actually work for a living."

"Sorry," Dash yelled back, "What a dick." She said more quietly.

"Now," Celestia announced, "Since that leaves 6 girls to 5 houses; Applejack, I assume you could use some extra help on the farm."

"Well, ah could, but ah'm not entirely sure how useful these humans are going to be," Applejack said, "Also, I'd rather not have to deal with the headache."

"What if you get Bridgette," Celestia said, "She's by far the lowest maintenance of the six, and she seems like she knows how to work, although that's admittedly just an inference based on her personality."

"Alright, that's fine with me," Applejack said.

"One more thing I should probably mention," Celestia said, "I-"

"SISTER!" The girls saw Princess Luna frantically racing towards her sister, "I saw a human on the streets of Canterlot."

"I know," Celestia said, "There are six in Equestria at the moment. The discussion I recently had with Twilight and her friends was actually about what we should do with them."

"Where are the other 5?" Luna asked.

"They're still in Canterlot Castle, in the hospital wing. As a matter of fact, I should probably go check on them to make sure they haven't killed anyone?"

"That bad?" Luna asked.

"Several are," Celestia said.

Luna sighed, "I'm still going to go after the one that ran away."

"Just be careful," Celestia said, "Her world basically just came crashing down around her, she's likely very upset."

"Very upset?" Luna asked, "Then I think I know where she might be."

************

Lindsay was sitting under a bridge. It was really the only place she could think of to get sanctuary from the army of onlookers. But for the first time since she was a kid, she wasn't the least bit self-conscious. She didn't really care what these ponies thought of her, because she was still trying to convince herself it wasn't real.

As Lindsay sat there sobbing, a soothing voice approached from behind.

"You found this place?" Luna asked.

Lindsay didn't respond.

"I use to come here all the time," Luna said, "Whenever I was feeling sad, or angry, or hateful... things are better for me now thankfully."

"What do you want?" Lindsay asked, perhaps coming off a little meaner than she intended.

"I saw you storm out of the castle, and I followed you," Luna said, "I knew something was wrong."

"Who exactly are you?" Lindsay asked.

"My name is Luna," she said. She thought briefly about mentioning her title and all the stuff she had accomplished to the girl, but she wanted her to feel more comfortable, and felt she'd be able to do that if she thought Luna was just an ordinary pony as opposed to royalty.

"Hello, Luna," Lindsay said a sniveling Lindsay, "I'm Lindsay Cunningham."

Luna sighed, "If you're not comfortable with telling me what's wrong, I won't force you, but sometimes it's good to get your feelings off your chest."

Of course, Luna already knew the crux of what was wrong with Lindsay, but she wanted to hear it from her mouth.

"I don't know where I am," Lindsay said, "And I don't know how to get back home. I'm worried I'll never see my friends or my family again."

"Is that it?"

"And... and... I miss Tyler,"

Waterworks began falling down Lindsay's face, and Luna used her forelegs to pull the human girl into a tight embrace, which the blonde gracefully accepted.

"I had a boyfriend once too," Luna said, working her mind through her human lexicon so Lindsay would understand what she said better.

"Well, obviously," Lindsay smirked.

"No, I mean, I had a special one," Luna said, "Swift Night. A kind, handsome stallion. I legitimately thought we would be together forever."

"What happened?" Lindsay asked.

"He died," Luna said, "We were together for 4 years. I proposed to him, but... it wasn't mean to be I suppose. Haven't had a real relationship since then."

Lindsay gasped, "Really!?"

Luna nodded.

"That's horrible. How long ago was it?"

"A long time," Luna said.

Fortunately for Luna, Lindsay didn't press that issue, "I think you're making a mistake. You're way too pretty to go a long time without a boyfriend."

Luna blushed, "Thank you," she said meekly.

"No one's ever told you that?"

"It's been a while, to say the least."

"Well, it's true. People tell me I'm pretty all the time. I wonder why the don't do that for you? Maybe it's a culture thing."

Luna rolled her eyes while Lindsay giggled.

"So, can I take you back to the castle yet? Your friends are worried sick about you."

Luna hadn't spoken to any of her 'friends,' but it sounded like the reasonable thing to say.

"How do you know about-"

"I know a lot of things, sunshine," Luna smiled.

"Ooh, so does that mean you're like, omnipotent?"

Luna chuckled, "Something like that."

**********

The next day, Celestia, the Mane 7, and the girls, who will henceforth be referred to as the Human 6; all met in the Canterlot Hallway to discuss their plans over lunch.

"I hope you enjoyed your stay in Canterlot, girls," Celestia said, referring to the human 6, "My plan for all of you is to assign each one of you to a pony "guardian" who you will live and work with for the time being."

There was some grumbling among the girls, but no obvious complaints.

"To alleviate your worries, these girls have handled much more dangerous situations than a bunch of humans, so I'm sure you'll be fine."

Slightly more enthusiastic grumbling, but still no obvious cheering or protesting.

"Does anyone have a major problem with that?"

The girls again grumbled a little, the overall reaction being "sure, why the hell not?"

"So, we're all in agreement then," Celestia nodded.

"Hmm..." Pinkie Pie said, "I wonder who I'll get."

***********

"And we're going to have tons of fun!" Pinkie yelled happily, "First we're going to run Sugarcube corner, and then we're going to watch the babies, and then we're going to have lots and lots of parties and play fun games, and eat lots and lots of cake, and it's going to be the best time ever. I haven't had a real roommate since I was a little filly, eek, this is so exciting! Are you excited, huh, huh? 'Cause I know I sure am, woo!"

Gwen laid on her new bed, eyes shifting between the crazy pink pony and the ceiling fan.

"Kill. Me."

Author's Note

So that's Chapter 4. I'll reveal where the rest of the Human 6 wound up in the next chapter. And I think this is really the first chapter that I'm actually proud of. The first 3 were mostly just exposition that I had to get out of the way, this is the first one where something actually happens.

So, what do you think? Did you like it better, or did I totally fuck up on this one too? Let me know.

V: Life in Ponyville

V: Life in Ponyville

Before leaving Canterlot, Princess Celestia did give one major task to the girls, and it was a similar one to what she gave to Twilight two years prior: write to her. Unlike Twilight's lessons, they didn't necessarily have to be about friendship. They could be about anything, really (within reason of course, I don't think Celestia particularly cared about hearing what the girls had for lunch, or about how many toilets they've clogged since their arrival.)

And she suspected they would need to write a lot. Even if they were given a warm welcome by absolutely everypony in town, which wasn't likely to happen, there was still a plethora of things they'd have to get used to. The clothes thing was going to be a problem. Celestia had asked Rarity to make clothes for each of the girls (with the proper remuneration, of course,) but Rarity's scheduling was often inconsistent due to the fact that she often got priority offers which couldn't really be ignored or postponed to a later date. Add in the fact that the human clothes were more difficult to make because Rarity was using measurements so unlike anything she'd ever used before, and also the fact that every girl had her own distinct style and Rarity, artist that she was, didn't want to make all of their designs perfectly uniform; and it was hardly surprising that the girls were unfortunately stuck with a limited wardrobe during their earlier days in Ponyville. And while Rarity thought that it was awful to make someone wear the same two pairs of clothes over and over again, especially in a culture where clothes were considered a necessity and not just a status symbol as they were in Equestria, but business was business and there was only so much Rarity could (and/or was willing) to do.

The diet was also another point of contention for the girls. Meat, while not outright banned in Equestria, was difficult, expensive, and annoying to purchase. The folks who sold meat had ridiculously high prices and were often rather shady, sometimes to the point where you didn't even know what kind of meat that really was. You think you just bought a tuna fish (one of the few species it was perfectly legal to kill and eat in Equestria,) and it turns out you just ate zebra meat (which is unquestionably banned and has been since the days of Princess Platinum.) This meant that the girls basically had to stick to a vegetarian diet. Now, this wasn't at all problem for Bridgette, who was used to an ovo-lacto vegetarian diet, or for Lindsay, who generally tended towards the "I'm not gonna eat anything anyways," side of the spectrum, but the other girls weren't so happy. In particular, it was a rather large dilemma for Izzy, who's diet consisted of about 95% meat products.When she learned that she would most likely have to stick to greens for the rest of her days in this place, she went a little nuts and quickly promised that she would get her meat, even if it meant killing a timber wolf. Unfortunately...

"Izzy, I hate to break it to you, but the timber wolves I've seen here in Equestria are made of actual timber." Heather said, "So, unless you want to eat wood-"

*snicker*

"Oh shut up. So, unless you want to consume logs to get your fill, you should probably just stick to the veggies."

Courtney had, at one point in her life, a set schedule about what she was going to eat day-to-day in order to get the nutrients she needed, but once she arrived on Camp Wawanakwa and saw the food they were serving there, she quickly realized that kind of schedule was useless and tossed it. And that was another thing: it didn't matter what they ate, it would always be better than the inedible piles of shit they received that Chef Hatchet called food.

If clothing and diet were the only issues that would have been bearable, but in actuality they were just the tip of the iceberg. There was the whole culture shock thing that hadn't worn off; Equestria was a vastly different world than any place on Earth, and not just because it was populated mostly by equines. The customs were different, the slang was different, the education was different... basically, this isn't the kind of stuff you can adjust to overnight.

And then, of course, there were the housemates.

As you can imagine, our pony heroines weren't overly thrilled with having to share their living quarters and their money with a bunch of people who essentially amounted to little more than house guests. The latter wasn't too much of a problem for Twilight, Rarity and Applejack, who all had a considerable amount of income to their name. Pinkie Pie had basically no money, but most of Gwen's expenses were handled by Carrot and Cup Cake, so that again wasn't too much of a problem. But Fluttershy was already struggling. Her only real job was to take care of animals, and since she wasn't a veterinarian, that didn't exactly pay a ton (hell, even if she was a vet, she still wouldn't be making GP money, although certainly more than she currently had.) Basically, paying for another fully sapient being that couldn't pull its own weight wasn't something the adorable yellow pegasus was particularly keen on, although as usual she mostly kept that to herself.

And we still haven't gotten to what the actual pairings were. Twilight could only assume that the pairing choices were Celestia's lame attempt at trolling because, if she wasn't, then why on Earth would she even consider sticking Lindsay in her house?

While Twilight had previously retracted her statement about Lindsay, and by extension the human race in general, being unfathomably moronic, she quickly realized her initial sentiments about the former weren't particularly off the mark. Because Lindsay was aggressively stupid.

When Lindsay had gone rummaging through Twilight's bookshelf earlier, the alicorn mistakenly assumed that this meant she had an interest in books. In actuality, she only had an interest in one book. She had a much larger interest in phones and computers, but of course, those didn't exist in Equestria. And when Twilight brought up other potential topics, she didn't fare any better.

Not surprising, she had absolutely no knowledge of magic. As far as Twilight understood, magic, or at the very least, the way it's used in Equestria, didn't exist on Earth. What was much more disappointing was her lack of knowledge in politics. Twilight thought it would be interesting to try and pick up the conversation she had with Gwen and try and come to a better understanding of what Terrestrial politics were actually like, but Lindsay's knowledge of political matters mostly consisted of what she learned from Disney movies. Well, that, and apparently this "Bush" guy is, like, the worst thing ever.

For a while it seemed like Lindsay may have had an interest in fashion. Twilight didn't share that particular interest, but it was at the very least something to talk about (and something that would definitely interest Rarity.) However, as Twilight began to delve further into the cesspool that was Lindsay's mind, she began to notice that it wasn't so much "the art of the dress" (as Rarity would put it,) that peaked the blonde's attention, it was more about finding whatever was popular and making sure she had that. Granted, Lindsay would never come right out and say that she only cared about popular shit, but she did heavily imply it. Whenever she would describe a brand she liked, she would always talk about her friends finding out about it, or how they looked in it, or something along those lines. Also, a lot of the brands she mentioned seemed to trigger Rarity's gag reflex, although this had less to do with the trendiness or lack thereof of said brands and more to do with the fact that she thought they were ugly/poorly made/whatever. Thankfully, Rarity wasn't around very often or else she might be forced to clean up puke from Twilight's floor. And we all know how much Rarity would love that.

Oh, and for those wondering, this was basically Lindsay's Modus operandi when it came to music as well, which rendered that topic obsolete as well. So, what topic was Lindsay particularly well-versed in?

Boys.

Yeah, romance wasn't exactly Twilight's strong suit. As a matter of fact, she had never even really been in a serious, long-term relationship (she had a bunch of flirty moments with random stallions and even the occasional date, but no stallion could ever legitimately be considered a part of her life.) In fact, if not for three minutes of complete terror with a stallion she never spoke to again at her eighteenth birthday party, she would still be a virgin. But it wasn't as though she hated males either, so she couldn't approach the topic with that angle the way that Bon Bon could. It simply wasn't a very large part of her life. And with Lindsay, it was virtually the central focus of her life.

Sometimes she would talk about how great this "Tyler" dude was, how she felt like putty in his arms and how impossibly difficult life was for her without him there. Twilight didn't have much to say to this, so her response was generally 'uh-huh.' Other times, it would be about her crazy, drunken escapades at house parties and the pros and cons of "spitting" as opposed to "swallowing." Again, Twilight didn't have much to say, so she mostly smiled and nodded.

Lindsay also talked about Twilight's butt on more than one occasion. She wasn't touching that one with a 10 foot pole.

Twilight Sparkle's problem summed up was this: while she didn't particularly mind having another being living in her house, even if it did put her #1 assisted into a hormonal trance, she just wished she had something in common with this woman, something that both of them could talk about. She did want to like Lindsay, at least on some level, but they apparently shared absolutely no interests. Which meant that making friends with her, even if it was feasible (which Twilight had her doubts about,) didn't seem like it was worth the effort.

Oh yeah, and that one book that Lindsay was seemingly interested in? Well...

"The Catcher in the Rye!?" Twilight exclaimed.

"Yeah," Lindsay said, "It's incredibly deep, don't you think?"

"It's not deep," Twilight said, "It's about a spoiled, whiny little brat and his misadventures after getting kicked out of school."

"But you can really feel Holden's struggle when you read it," Lindsay said, "It makes him very reliable."

"I think you mean relatable," Twilight contradicted, "And no, it doesn't, it just makes him annoying. Spike, tell Lindsay that The Catcher in the Rye is a terrible book."

"Spike, tell Twilight that The Catcher in the Rye is awesome."

"The Catcher in the Rye is awesome," Spike said quickly.

Spike had said in the past that he didn't like that book either, but Twilight knew exactly what Spike was doing here, so protesting would be pointless. Instead, she just gave him a dirty look and stormed off to her room.

Needless to say, she was frustrated with her new housemate.

**********

Pinkie Pie was absolutely enthralled with her new housemate, but then again, Pinkie Pie was enthralled with everything. The Cake foals absolutely loved Gwen as well, and Mr and Mrs Cake found her pretty tolerable, if a little bit dreary. So it appeared as if Gwen wasn't alienating her hosts the way Lindsay potentially was. The only real problem was she had begun to notice Mr Cake looking at her in increasingly uncomfortable ways. However, her general policy was "look but don't touch" so since he hadn't made a move on her there wasn't really anything she could do.

As for her new job? Well, Gwen wasn't really that big on cooking, but she was a quick learner, and having a pair of hands really helped the Cakes make their orders faster. Also, after what she had to put up with from Chef, being around real, good food, even if it was unhealthy, was a practically a dream come true for Gwen at this point. Yeah, she got some dirty looks and questionable (and occasionally, even hostile) comments from some of the ponies, but nothing they said could possible be worse than what Gwen had to put up with in middle school. So no, working at Sugarcube Corner wasn't her biggest problem either.

No, Gwen's biggest problem was definitely Pinkie.

Now, it wouldn't be fair to say that Gwen hated Pinkie. She was funny... in small doses. Her seemingly reality defying quirks were amusing... until they got annoying. She could be intelligent and articulate... when she wanted to, which was rarely.

You're beginning to see the problem, right?

As a rule of thumb, Gwen could generally only enjoy Pinkie's antics when she was already in a good mood, and even then she had a pretty low threshold. When she was pissed off though, and she often was (getting dumped off in another universe will do that,) Pinkie being Pinkie really didn't help things, in fact, they often made them worse. Gwen did realize that some of these things were simply her reaction towards the pink mare, and it was hard to tell Pinkie she was doing something wrong when everyone in town seemed to like her, but there was plenty of things about Pinkie that pissed Gwen off to no end.

First of all: she never gave Gwen space. Whenever you're stuck living in the same room as someone else, things are going to get a little crowded at times, but Pinkie took that to a whole new level. At every opportunity she could get, she tried to talk to Gwen. Usually it wasn't about anything either, she was just trying to make some kind of small talk. Except when it came to Pinkie Pie, there was no small talk. Everything had to be extremely loud and extremely fast. And when she asked Pinkie to give her space, she would. For about 30 minutes. Maybe a few hours if she was lucky. But sooner or later, she would be back to incessantly talking to Gwen about any little thing she could think of.

The only time Gwen really got any real measure of space was when Pinkie was out hanging with her friends. Needless to say, Gwen encouraged this, as it gave her more time to draw, write poetry, and generally just do stuff that doesn't involve Pinkie Pie. That was by far her favourite time of the day, as Gwen had always valued her space, and no other pony would bother her (all the other ones were either scared of her, disliked her, or simply saw no reason to waste their time with her.)

Another major thing that drove Gwen absolutely up the fucking wall was just how incessantly cheery she was. It was pretty much the same thing that bothered her about Geoff, except instead of laid back and stupid, she was hyperactive and crazy. With most people, you could generally get a sense of how they were feeling. Whether they were in a good mood, a bad mood, a 'meh' mood, or an 'oh my god if you fucking talk to me I will rip your throat out' mood, etc. Pinkie's constant happiness, to Gwen, just wasn't natural.

And then, as the piece de resistance of annoying, there were her parties. When Gwen heard that Pinkie was more or less a professional party thrower, she was actually pretty intrigued. While Gwen never really cared for the typical high school party, but if this girl was a pro, she had to be able to make a party actually feel like a party, right?

Apparently not. Pinkie Pie's parties were odd to say the least; basically they were some unholy fusion of a 9 year old's birthday party and a bachelorette jam. The party games often felt like something straight out of a "how to throw your son/daughter a birthday party" book, but there was at least enough alcohol to go around which made it a little more bearable (it mostly came in the form of a punch which Pinkie wouldn't give out the recipe for, everything else was BYOB.) None of the girls aside from Gwen and Bridgette even bothered showing up to any of Pinkie's parties, and the two human girls mostly just chilled out in a corner, drank and talked, both with each other and occasionally with the ponies.

So, long story short, Pinkie Pie was annoying. One particularly bad encounter left her gnashing her teeth in agony as she trepidatiously made her way to her "room," where she decided she had enough.

Dear journal, Gwen pulled out the little noteboook given to her by the princess.

I hate Pinkie Pie. She never shuts up. She never gives me space. Her happiness is grating as all hell. The fact that Celestia stuck me here must be some kind of cruel joke on her bitch-ass part. I hate Equestria in general. Everyone here needs too-

Gwen heard a knock on the door as she was writing. Fearing the worst, Gwen cautiously opened the door. She did see Pinkie, but this time she was holding a cake in one of her hooves.

"Hi, Gwen," Pinkie said, "I thought you looked kind of upset, so I made a cake to help cheer you up."

Gwen smiled a little out of the corners of her mouth, but said nothing.

"I know I can be a little hyperactive sometimes," Pinkie said, "I'm sorry if it really bothers you, I know I'm not trying to, it's just I'm so excited over meeting a new friend, who's a member of a different species from a different culture, and having a roommate now as well, so I sometimes get carried away. I hope you don't hate me now... please tell me you don't hate me, I don't want you to hate me."

Gwen smiled a little more, "I don't hate you Pinkie. I just need a little space to myself. I-"

"I know you've said that a lot before," Pinkie sighed, "I'm not trying to hurt you, I just-"

"Pinkie, it's alright," Gwen said to calm the pink mare down, "Just for now, give me some time alone, alright?"

"Okie dokie lokie," Pinkie said happily, "See you later, hope you enjoy your cake!" She slammed the door on the way out, leaving Gwen to once again collect her thoughts.

Okay, I guess she isn't so bad after all, Gwen wrote in her journal, yeah she can be frustrating, but no one can say she doesn't try her hardest. And, in a strange, fucked up sort of way, I'm glad she's here.

************

Courtney liked to live her life on a schedule. This fact is not exactly a revelation. What is also not a revelation is the fact that being thrown into an alternate universe will throw any semblance of schedule and routine instantly out of whack. However, Courtney still attempted to maintain her schedule... but a large part of the problem was filling that time up with things to do.

Back on Earth, Courtney was one of those people that always had to be doing something. But here in Equestria, there really wasn't that much for her to do. She could help out Fluttershy with her job, perhaps write a little... and then virtually nothing else except wonder around aimlessly. So, she quickly began taking every position she could possibly find. She'd help out at the elementary school, work as an intern for Mayor Mare, perhaps open up a business... basically do anything she possibly could to distract herself. She was looking to take a few courses, maybe on something she hadn't really thought of before, but schooling only went up to 15 at maximum in Equestria; with the age of adulthood being 16, ponies were expected to have a job or an apprenticeship by then. Courtney was 18, long past school age (and there seemingly weren't any colleges or universities around,) so school was a no-go.

Fluttershy would attempt to support Courtney, but she had some problems of her own. Courtney's obsession with order meant that she ended up dictating a lot of things to Fluttershy, making her feel like she was no longer the master of her own domain. This included things like what to eat, when to sleep, what and when to feed the animals, etc. While Courtney couldn't actually force Fluttershy to do any of this, she performed these tasks in such a way that it made it difficult for Fluttershy to go against what she was doing, especially because, well, this was Fluttershy we were dealing with her. Thankfully, due to Courtney's numerous activities, she wasn't around too often, so Shy was only oppressed some of the time.

Rarity was having a similar problem. Like Courtney, Izzy was out of the house a lot, although unlike Courtney no one had a goddamn clue what she was doing (could be anything from fighting wild boars to poking innocent bystanders with sticks.) But when she was around, she made sure her presence was known. She had Pinkie Pie syndrome where she was constantly hyperactive, but she lacked the sugar high happiness that was Pinkie's definition character trait. Instead, her insanity was mostly accented with, well, more insanity.

Thankfully she hadn't tried to ride Rarity around since their first encounter, but on numerous occasions she had screwed with Rarity's designs, tracked dirt and other uncouth objects all around her house, taught Sweetie Belle the most crude and offensive jokes she knew, "kidnapped" other ponies (and tried to play it off by saying they were "just horsing around",) and a boatload of other things that really should have gotten her thrown in the slammer. Rarity legitimately wasn't sure if she was trying to be an awe-inspiring asshole or if she just had a screw loose, but either way it was really getting on the fashionista's nerves.

Unlike Fluttershy, Rarity had the balls (figuratively!) to call her out on her bullshit, but unlike Courtney, who wasn't trying to hurt anyone, she just had a lot of other things much higher on her priorities list, Izzy legitimately didn't seem to care whether she offended anyone. She had considered kicking her out, and actually did a few times, although she always let her back in eventually. There were; however, three reasons why Rarity didn't kick Izzy out permanently: Sweetie Belle seemed to really like her (even if Rarity did consider the ginger to be a bad influence,) Celestia apparently wanted her to stay there, and as much as she despised having Izzy around, she wouldn't want to wish her on anypony else either. However, Rarity saw no way fathomable in which she and Izzy could ever strike up a friendship, and she began asking the rest of the Mane 6 if they were willing to trade.

So, to recap, four houses, four considerable conflicts brewing. Admittedly with different degrees of seriousness and severity, but there was still a lot of drama going on here which didn't previously exist in Equestria.

None of these conflicts; however, could even come close to the absolute bloodbath that was going on at Sweet Apple Acres.

Author's Note

Another chapter out of the way. Next chapter we get to see Applejack and her family take on two humans (Bridgette and Heather,) and... I'm just going to say up front that it's not going to be pretty. It will; however, be entertaining. So fasten your seat belts.

VI: The Situation at Sweet Apple

Rainbow Dash opened one eye, then the other, only to find herself in... prison? That's what it certainly seemed like at the very least. She was in what seemed like a cell, chained up to the wall, behind big thick metal bars, wearing nothing but a skimpy little pair of underwear.

Wait, Dash thought, how the hell did I end up in prison? I didn't do anything wrong? Well, okay, I did beat up that one prick, but don't you have to have a trial before getting indicted? I don't ever even remember being arrested. And why am I wearing-

And then the realization dawned on her.

Oh, this is one of those freaky dreams, isn't it? Well shit, the last time I had one of these, Fluttershy walked into the cell wearing a Nazi outfit. As if things weren't awkward enough between us already. Hey... who is my captor this time around anyway?

Much to Rainbow's chagrin, the figure who opened the cell and walked through was not Fluttershy or any other pony, rather it was a much taller and leaner figure in it's place. Who was still wearing a Nazi outfit.

"Heather?" Dash asked, "Why are you here? What did you do with Fluttershy?"

Heather simply sneered, "Oh, Dashie," she said, "I only mean to ask, do you known anything about arithmetic?"

Dash did a double take: "Well, that's a weird fucking question." But before she was able to continue, Heather moved her finger to the Rainbow Pony's lips.

"Because tonight, I want to add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and, well, y'know."

Seriously, subconscious, Dash thought, that's honestly the best you could come up with? Thankfully you caught yourself on that last one or else you'd end up looking stupid on a level of epic proportions. As it stands now, you just look lazy.

Oh yeah, and that still doesn't answer the more important question- WHY THE FUCK AM I DREAMING ABOUT FUCKING A HUMAN?

"Well, why wouldn't you dream about fucking this human," Heather said, "I'm sexy."

"You can read minds?"

"No, I'm part of your subconscious, idiot. Now stop talking, because I have other plans for that pretty little mouth of yours."

"Better, but still not great," Dash said.

"I said shut up!" Heather yelled, and slapped Dash in the face. Now, if you're done yapping, I want you to put your face between my-"

Rainbow Dash awoke with a start, sweating and noticing that her cloud bed was slowly turning into a rain cloud. And not from the sweat.

"God, I really need to lay off the E before going to bed," Dash said, "I think I'm going to go take a shower... make myself feel less dirty."

Heather was miserable. Applejack had at least attempted to make Heather feel like she was at home, but it wasn't working. Going from being the glitzy Queen Bee in high school, to the star of a reality TV show, to... working on a farm in order to eat and have a place to stay... yeah, that wasn't exactly Heather's style. And furthermore, her company wasn't exactly the kind of people she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

Bridgette was, of course, the other human sentenced to Sweet Apple Acres, and while it was't as annoying as being stuck with Gwen, Courtney, Leshawna, or, god forbid, Beth, Bridgette was still the kind of person who got on your nerves after a while. She was a little bit air-headed, very clumsy, and probably smoked a little too much weed for her own good. Not that Heather was opposed to smoking weed, I mean hell, she did it herself, but high Bridgette was significantly less likable than normal Bridgette. All of her air-headed qualities were significantly enhanced and she also became a bit of a jerk.

Still though, Heather found the closest thing she had to an ally in Bridgette. Like Heather, Bridgette was taken out of her natural habitat and placed into a situation where she had no clue what she was doing. Sure, Bridgette liked the outdoors, but she loved surfing, or at the very least just hanging on the beach with friends, not doing grunt work on a farm for food, shelter, and a little bit of spending money. Bridgette may not have been Heather's soul mate or anything but at least she was relatable. Actually, one of the few good things to come out of this whole Equestria situation was that she did, at the very least, get a little closer to the rest of the TDI cast that was stuck here. I mean, you do need someone to talk to, and when your alternatives are talking horses, you'll take what you can get. But all things considered, Bridgette was the least of Heather's problems.

The work itself was an issue for one thing. The Apple Family mainly relied on bucking apples but neither Heather nor Bridgette had the physical strength to do that, meaning that their jobs were mostly limited to moving or fixing shit, which got old really quickly. Not to mention there was the fact that, even in her limited role, Heather often found herself sore and in pain. Also it wasn't exactly great for her tan either. But that wasn't the main issue either, hard work, even hard physical labor, was something that Heather didn't necessarily like but was smart enough to understand that there are times when it's necessary, and this is one of those times. No, the much bigger problem was the rest of the Sweet Apple residents.

Well, not all of them. Big Macintosh mostly hung to himself. His words to the human girls generally consisted of 'good morning,' and 'here's what you have to do today, X, Y, and Z.' He wasn't really a nuisance or an asset, he was barely there at all. Which, considering Heather's opinion on the rest of the ponies, was probably a good thing. She did have to admit though, that despite how much she wanted to kill herself for thinking this, she did find him kinda cute. She admitted to herself that, if she was a pony, then she would probably be a little bit into him. But she wasn't, so it wasn't happening. Uh-huh, no way.

Granny Smith was easily ignorable. She was the matriarch of the Apple Family but she was so senile that she barely knew what was happening in the Farm's day-to-day operations let alone anything on a larger scale. Whenever she tried to talk to Heather, she would respond as quickly and bluntly as possible and then leave before she could ask anything else. Those two weren't really much of an issue, it was the other two that had Heather wanting to punch a kitten in the face.

Apple Bloom was a nightmare. She was pretty much the amalgamation of every annoying little kid Heather had ever seen in bad sitcoms, yet even worse because she was dealing with her in person rather then just watching her asshattery from behind the tube. Heather couldn't entirely pinpoint what about Apple Bloom infuriated her so much, but she could make a few educated guesses. Maybe it was the never ending happiness. Maybe it was the voice; Apple Bloom's southern drawl mixed with her prepubescent whine made for a very aggravating listening experience. Maybe it was the fact that she had, on numerous occasions, asked Heather for advice on finding her cutie mark, which was a subject that Heather, being a non-pony, had absolutely zero interest in. Maybe it was the fact that she just seemed so goddamn close to her siblings, whereas Heather could scarcely be in the same room as her brother Damien without trying to tear his larynx out.

Maybe it was the fact that she never shut up. It always seemed like Apple Bloom had something to say, had some nonsensical piece of shit passed of as an idea to contribute. Now, Heather didn't really care when she was communicating those ideas to her family or friends but the instant she started trying to talk to Heather (or, to a lesser extent, Bridgette,) was the instant that the teenage girl's blood started boiling. And again, she didn't really have a real reason why a child (or "filly" as they're called in Equestria,) provoked this harsh a reaction from her, she just did.

Or maybe it was her friends. Yeah, if one Apple Bloom wasn't enough, she often brought her friends with her, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle or whatever their names were, who were just as desperate to find that elusive cutie mark as Apple Bloom was, but were much dumber than AB, who at least had a little bit of intelligence in her. Heather tried to do everything in her power to get away from the so-called Cutie Mark Crusaders, as putting the three of them in the same place at the same time would inevitably lead to something breaking, but it was often unavoidable, as they were seemingly omnipresent at times.

And then there was Applejack.

Heather had to admit, there was a tiny part of her that was happy she had met Applejack, mainly because she couldn't remember how long it had been since she had despised someone this much. Literally, everything about Applejack seemed specifically designed for the sole purpose of pissing her off. The most immediate problem Heather had was, of course, the micromanaging. See, while Big Macintosh was content to tell Heather and Bridgette what they needed to do for the day and then let them do it, occasionally checking on them to make sure they were actually doing work but for the most part leaving them to their own devices, Applejack would leave what she was doing and show up every fifteen minutes to not only make sure they were doing what needed to be done, but make sure they were doing in the "proper way." And most of the time, it really didn't seem to matter result-wise what "way" you did tasks like sorting fucking apples, it was that there was seemingly a specific way that AJ was taught growing up, and nothing else was even remotely acceptable.

And she would always have quasi-motivational phrases or slogans to go along with it. Where as Chris McLean was content to let the world know he was a douchebag, Applejack kept trying to present herself as this salt-of-the-earth, kind-hearted, hard-working mare. which is kind of rendered pointless when a) you're famous, and b) you harass your employees, specifically ones that have nowhere else to go. And wherever Heather tried to approach her about loosening the reigns, she would reply with some bullshit answer like "well, I know I'm being hard on ya, but it's just cuz I care about ya and I want to toughen y'all up." Yeah, well fuck you too, Applejack.

It was beginning to get to a point where it seemed that was all Heather could talk about: how much she hated Applejack. Bridgette said she didn't like her all that much either but was starting to get a little sick and tired of Heather's bitching. After all, they had just dealt with Chris McLean, she said, and Applejack wasn't even close to as bad as he was. The other girls, having not spent nearly as much time with the orange earth pony, didn't seem to understand what Heather was going on about at all. So Heather was once again completely alone in her misery. Figures.

"So," Lindsay asked her new housemate, "Meet any cute guys?"

"No, not really," Twilight said, "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, c'mon," Lindsay said, "Surely you have to have seen at least one guy you like."

"Well, there is this one guard, Flash Sentry," Twilight said, "He's alright I guess, but I'm not really looking for a relationship at the moment. But what about you? I mean, if you're going to bring up this topic, you have to be able to answer the question.

Lindsay was disappointed with Twilight's non-answer but realized it would be hypocritical if she didn't respond herself, "Well, I can't say there's anyone here. Y'know, the whole different species thing is kind of a problem, but I can tell you all about the boys back on the island. There's this one guy I'm going out with... Taylor I think, or maybe it was Tristan... but anyway he's really cute, and he's big into sports even though he's not very good, he is really good at fantasy football though... and then there's-"

"Wait," Twilight said, "You were dating him and you can't even remember his name?"

"Well, name's aren't exactly my fort."

"Your what?"

"As I was saying," Lindsay continued, "There's this other guy, Trevor I think. He's a super cool guy, and also a really good guitar player, but he and Gwen got together pretty quickly and I didn't want to try and steal him from her. Then they broke up, but me and Tyson were still together. And then there's this other guy, Douggie, who's been in jail and stuff and I know I'm not supposed to like him but he's still really hot."

"I- I don't think I'd ever want to go out with anypony who's been in prison," Twilight said.

"You say that now, but the sexy bad boy definitely has his appeal," Lindsay replied, "And all this talk about the island is making me miss my makeup kit, which at times was the only thing that got me through the insanity... oh my god, I could make you look so pretty if I had it."

"Are you saying I'm not pretty?" Twilight teased.

"No... I never said that," Lindsay stammered, "But I could make you look even better. You might say you're not looking for anyone right now, but I could make every stallion in Equestria interested in you if I had the proper materials."

Twilight blushed a little. While attracting a stallion was never her primary focus in life, she couldn't help but feel intrigued by what Lindsay was saying.

Lindsay was about to continue, when she heard the door open, and heard Spike walking up the stairs. She didn't really want the young dragon to ruin their girl talk, and if he was around that's what would inevitably happen, so Lindsay resorted to her full-proof line.

"So, when dealing with your menstrual cycle-"

"And I'm out," Spike yelled, "See you girls later, I'm going to go... I dunno, bother Rarity I guess."

"Works every single time," Lindsay said after Spike left the house again.

Twilight smirked in a mix of disbelief and admiration, "You know what Lindsay, I thought you were kind of an idiot when I first met you, but maybe I misjudged you a little."

"Well, you know what they say, don't judge a book by it's pictures," Lindsay responded.

Twilight sighed, and put her hooves in her face.

"Applejack, I think you've been mistreating me since..." Heather sighed, "Too diplomatic." She concluded.

She was practicing in front of a mirror about what she'd tell Applejack. She had no idea how any of this would shape up, but she couldn't go on living the way she was.

"Applejack, you're a bitch.... no, too aggressive."

"Applejack, your reign of tyranny has ended... no, too Dragon Ball."

"Heather, what are you doing?" Bridgette asked as she walked into their shared bedroom (that was another gripe that Heather had with Sweet Apple Acres.)

"I'm practicing the best way to tell Applejack that she needs to either change things dramatically, or I'm leaving."

"Why don't you just make up some passive aggressive scheme like you did back on the island?" Bridgette asked.

"Because there's no way I could do anything without them instantly assuming it was one of us, and considering who's been the bigger nuisance so far, I'd get blamed just about instantly. No, unfortunately, I'm going to have to do this at least semi-directly."

"Well, why don't you just tell her then."

"You think I haven't tried?" Heather said, but before Bridgette had a chance to respond, Big Macintosh knocked on the door, telling Heather that Applejack wanted to talk to her. Heather grumbled, but complied, and made her way down to AJ's room.

"Hey, Heather," Applejack said, "Why don't you sit down. We need to chat."

Well, know was pretty much Heather's golden opportunity to tell Applejack what she thought of her. Unfortunately, Applejack spoke first.

"I don't think you're doing enough, Heather," Applejack said, "And everything you are doing, you basically have to be forced into it. Look, I know this isn't your dream job or anything, but we're doing our best to accommodate two extra bodies staying here, and if you're not pulling your weight, then that becomes a major burden on our finances."

"Well, it's not like I'm here by choice. Why don't you find someone else to work here?"

"We tried, but the only pony who's willing to trade humans with us is Rarity, and we're not too enthusiastic about Izzy working on the farm."

Trade humans, Heather thought, it makes us sound like we're fucking cattle.

"Bottom line is this, Heather," Applejack said, "I don't want to be the bad guy or anything, but you have to shape up around here, or else we'll have to resort to more drastic measures."

"Shape up? How about, don't tell me what to do, you stupid fucking hillbilly!" Heather yelled, "I didn't ask to get stuck here, and you didn't ask for me to get stuck here either, so why don't you just leave me alone, let me do my thing and I'll let you do yours."

"You apparently think you're too good for a little hard work, and yet I'm the stupid hillbilly," Applejack responded,angrily "No wonder no one likes you."

And that was it. Applejack was, as bitchy as she could be, usually pretty calm and not quick to anger, but she was pissed off today, and god did she manage to aggravate Heather, who by this point was so enraged that she did something previously unthinkable.

She punched Applejack in the face.

For a moment, the world stopped spinning. Heather was petrified, not sure whether she should be satisfied or terrified. Applejack laid on the ground, seemingly motionless for about thirty seconds, which was weird, as Heather didn't think she hit her that hard. Maybe these little ponies are just soft? Heather briefly thought. Wrong thought process.

Applejack got up and looked the human girl dead in the eye. All of the warmness that usually adorned Applejack's face wasn't present, replaced by a look of sheer hate and anger. Finally, after what felt like eons, the pony opened her mouth, and, in a shaky yet vibrant whisper, gave the answer to Heather's internal question about what she needed to feel at this moment; fear. And she did it with three very simple words.

"You're fucking dead."

Author's Note

Ooh, what's going to happen next? Just how screwed is Heather? And what's going on with Lindsay and Twilight? Find out, on the next episode of Friendship is Drama!

VII: How to Make a Surfer Girl Disappear

VII: How to Make a Surfer Girl Disappear

Heather had a bloody nose.

Yes, just about every square inch of her body was in pain right now. Yes, there wasn't really anything she could do about it as she was semi-conscious at best. Not could she really go anywhere because she was lying on a bed, hooked up to some strange wires and she had a bad feeling that if she left, it would probably end up doing something really bad to her body. But at the moment, the only thing Heather could think about was the blood gushing from her left nostril and all over her body. Immediately after that, though, was the realization that she was awake for the first time in god knows how long.

"H-how long have I been here?" She asked to no one in particular.

"About a week," she heard a doctor reply, "Welcome back, by the way."

"She's back!?" Pinkie Pie suddenly popped out of nowhere in front of the recovering human, "Welcome back, Heather! We're having a get well soon party once you get out of the hospital, so I'm hopping you make a speedy recovery."

"So, that's where I am right now... makes sense I guess" Heather exclaimed, events starting to rush back into her head. Including the one about how she got her ass handed to her, "Hey, do you mind getting me a tissue or something, I think my nose exploded or something."

Pinkie Pie returned with a box in a flash.

"Yeah... thanks," Heather said, "You do know it was your friend AppleJackass that did this to me, right?"

Pinkie started laughing, "AppleJackass, that's a good one. I should use that sometime when she's being a twat. But wait a minute... she never acts like a twat."

"I'd say beating me to within an inch of my life is pretty twatish, wouldn't you?"

"Well, you did punch her in the face first."

"Who's side are you on, Pinkie?"

"My best friend's..."

"Well, I guess there won't be any party then," Heather said with a faint smile.

Pinkie frowned, "What do you mean?"

"Well, if you're not on my side then you don't like me. And if you don't like me, then there can't be any party. Sorry it has to be this way Pinkie, but I can't have fun with someone who hates me."

Pinkie looked like she was going to cry. Heather had essentially created a false dichotomy between one of her best friends and throwing a party she had planned for a while now (well, as much of 'a while' as over a week can get,) and Pinkie has a tendency to handle dichotomies, false or otherwise, very poorly. As in "I'm going to create clones of myself so I don't have to deal with this shit" level poorly.

So, while Pinkie was having a mental breakdown, Heather slowly sat up, just enough to feel the pain start to rush into her body. It was only once Heather sat up then she began to remember just how badly Applejack beat the piss out of her. She noticed the large cast on her left leg, the multiple patches and bandages all across her body and the fact that most of the wires looked like they were hooked directly into her blood stream. That last part was probably the scariest, the fact that she seemingly needed blood simply to survive.

Cautiously, Heather looked around the room, hoping to not break any of the wires. The only people, pony or otherwise, that were in the room were Pinkie and the aforementioned doctor, who looked like she seriously had no idea what she was doing. On the bedside table next to her there were a few cards. The first one was a get well soon card from Pinkie with a pop out picture of a chicken. Why she chose a chicken, Heather had no idea... unless...

"Oh, I see you found my card!" Pinkie said happily, apparently forgetting about her existential crisis from a few moments ago, "Did you like it? Did you?"

"Its... nice." Heather said, "But, um, why a chicken? Did you think I really liked chickens? Were you... were you calling me a slut?"

"A what?" Pinkie asked.

"A slut," Heather repeated.

"Yeah, I heard what you said, but I don't know what that means," Pinkie replied.

"Well, its a... wait, why am I explaining this to you?" Heather asked.

"Because we're friends," Pinkie replied with a smile.

Heather sighed, "I guess its a derogatory term for a woman who has sex a lot."

"Wait, that's an insult in your homeland?" Pinkie asked.

"I... I guess?" Heather said.

"Well, that sounds terrible, what kind of person would want to judge someone else for having fun?"

"Huh," Heather said, "I never really thought of it like that."

Before Heather or Pinkie could continue their respective trains of thought, Heather's, um, friends bursted into the room.

"We heard you were awake," Courtney said.

"Yup, I'm awake," Heather replied, "Totally awake, not asleep at all."

"How are you feeling?" Courtney asked.

"Well, I've been unconscious for a week, I have several broken bones and, oh yeah, there's still blood shooting out of my nose," Heather said, quickly grabbing a few tissues to help plug up her left nostril, "Other than that, just peachy."

"Well, you could've just said not too good, you didn't have to be rude about it," Courtney huffed.

"Did you see the card we made you?" Izzy asked.

"What card?" Heather asked.

"So no, then," Izzy said, "Its on the table right next to you. And I promise, nothing will explode when you open it."

"Oddly specific," Heather replied, "but then again, this is you we're talking about, so still helpful. Alright, let's see what this card says."

Unlike Pinkie's card, which looked like it could've been purchased from Pony Hallmark, this card was just a blank off-white sheet of paper with handwriting on it. Opening the card up, Heather saw that each of the other girl's had written their own little paragraph, and going clockwise from the top left there was.

"Hey, remember that time you got your ass beat by a little pony? Good times, good times. From, Gwen," Heather read.

"Hey, I'm not going to pretend I didn't enjoy hearing that someone kicked your ass," Gwen said, "Although seeing you laying there in a pool of blood was mildly traumatizing."

"That bad, huh?" Heather asked.

"So... much... blood," Gwen said, "I would've loved it back in my vampire phase."

"Yeah, I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear that," Heather said, "Alright next note: 'Heather, I heard about what happened at Sweet Apple Acres and I hope you have a speedy recovery'... Courtney, could I ask you something?"

"What?" She asked.

"Could you pretend just for once that you aren't a soulless corporate shill?"

"Hey, that's not very fair," Gwen laughed, "Courtney, you stay true to yourself no matter what anyone tells you."

"I hate both of you so much," Courtney said, while the other girls all started laughing.

"Ow it hurts to laugh," Heather said, "Ok, next message... this one has a bunch of stuff that's crossed out and then, 'Sorry, I thought this was a letter for Luna. Heather... keep doing you I guess'."

"Wait, who's Luna?" Courtney asked.

"Oh, just someone I met," Lindsay said.

"Why the hell would you think a get well card for me would be about this Luna character?" Heather exclaimed.

Lindsay sighed, "Heather, do you know me?"

Heather shrugged, "Fair point I guess. Alright, next we have Bridgette's note... and it says +Izzy at the bottom... bitch, you didn't even write your own note, you just tagged along with Bridgette's."

"Its not my fault," Izzy whined, "I didn't know what to write. Besides, I didn't think you'd really care about a card, we just did it because the purple one suggested it."

"You mean Twilight?" Gwen asked.

"I know what I said," Izzy replied.

"Wait a second," Heather said, "Where the hell is Bridgette?"

Bridgette had heard that Heather was waking up, and was making her way to the hospital to see her. Granted, she still didn't really care that much, but she figured it would be rude not to say something, especially considering she was the one who found her... dying... in a puddle of her own blood...

As Bridgette was trying to clear up her own thoughts, she was approached by a small, light green unicorn with a lyre for a, ahem, cutie mark. She looked excited to see Bridgette, perhaps a little bit uncomfortably so.

"Hello there," Bridgette said, "My name is Bridgette, what's yours."

"I'm Lyra," the pony said, still grinning creepily from ear to ear.

"Um... its nice to meet you Lyra," Bridgette went on, "Can- can I help you with something?"

"No," Lyra said, "But maybe you can help me."

"Well, isn't that what I just-"

But Bridgette never did finish that sentence. All of a sudden she felt a sharp pain in the back of her head, and the next time she awoke she was... someplace else.

"Actually, nobody's quite sure where Bridgette is," Gwen said.

"Rainbow Dash and Rarity are out looking for her," Pinkie Pie added.

"Oh right, you're still here," Heather said.

"Why wouldn't I be, silly," Pinkie said, "I wouldn't just leave one of my new friends alone."

"I know its not really my place," the doctor said, "but if I had to guess, I'd say she's been abducted by aliens."

"By what now?" Courtney asked.

"You know, aliens," the doctor said, "beings from beyond Equestria, frequently appear in Ridley Scott movies... they built the pyramids several thousand years ago."

"Oh..." Heather said, "You're one of those people, huh? Wait, does Equestria even have Pyramids?"

"It... honestly doesn't," Pinkie said, "So I'm not sure what you're going on about, doc."

"Wait, doc?" The doctor asked.

"Well, you are a doctor, right?" Heather asked.

"Well, why would you think that?" The 'doctor' replied.

"Well... because you're wearing a lab coat... and a stethoscope... and..."

"Heather, let me handle this one," Courtney said. She then cleared her throat and shouted "Security!" at the top of her lungs.

"What's the problem miss- oh, its you again, Screwball."

"Its aliens I tell you," Screwball said, "Aliens! ALIENS!"

"Yeah, sorry about this. She tends to get in here a lot somehow," the security guard said, "we'll escort her out right away."

As the guards and the fake doctor were leaving, Twilight Sparkle showed up.

"Hey, sorry I'm late Pinkie, how's Heather?"

"Oh for fuck sake, why does everyone keep asking me how I'm feeling?" Heather asked, "I've just been unconscious for like a week."

"Well, to be fair, that was because we drugged you, not because you were in a coma." Twilight responded.

"Sure, but you would've had had to drug me if I wasn't beaten half to death, courtesy of your BFF," Heather replied.

"Well, next time don't punch her in the face," Twilight said, "By the way, she's still pissed at you and she's demanding you move somewhere else."

"Well, that's nice to hear," Heather said.

"So, no luck finding Bridgette?" Twilight asked.

"No," Gwen said, "Although to be honest we haven't really left this room."

"So... should we leave then to look for her?" Lindsay asked.

"I wouldn't mind it," Heather said, "It'd be nice to get some peace and quiet around here... maybe watch a little TV or something."

"What's a TV?" Twilight asked.

Heather sighed, "Oh right, I forgot how dull Equestria was."

"Hey, Equestria isn't dull," Twilight said, "We have crazy monsters attack this place all the time."

"Wait, what?" Courtney asked, "That would've been nice to know when we first arrived, Twilight."

"Specifically, what kind of crazy monsters are we talking about here?" Gwen asked, "Are we talking Dracula, C'thulu, or, like, Hitler."

"I have no idea what any of those are," Twilight said, "but the monsters are usually really bad dudes set out to conquer or destroy Equestria. Although sometimes they get reformed."

"So, more along the lines of the first two," Courtney said, "Also, are you sure its a good idea to trust 'reformed villains'?"

"Honestly no," Twilight said, "but sometimes its worth a try."

Heather cleared her throat, "So, not to be rude or anything, but shouldn't you guys be looking for Bridgette?"

"Right," Twilight said, "Let's go do that. You get some rest, Heather."

"Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do," she said.

The humans and ponies quickly cleared out of the room, leaving Heather alone, at least until the next doctor or nurse arrives.

"Alright, those cards were actually kinda sweet," Heather said to herself, "Although I'm never telling them that."

"I wouldn't dream of mentioning it," she heard a male voice say.

Heather's eyes shot wide open, "What? Who's there? Spike, I swear to God if that's you I'm gonna..."

"Sorry, allow me to introduce myself," the voice said, and suddenly a being materialized in front of her. He looked like... well, he was certainly no pony.

"Wait, you think I sound like Spike?" the being said, "But he's a child."

"Well, not really, but I don't know any other men in Equestria," Heather said, "Well, I guess there's also Burger Boy, although he probably wouldn't be too thrilled to see me, what with me punching his sister and all. Anyways, who are you and what are you doing here?"

"Well, that isn't very poilte," he said, "I was simply curious about meeting the new human's, and I decided I'd start with you because, well, you're a little compromised at the moment."

"Okay, that right there," Heather said, "what you just said is something a stalker would say. So I don't know if you're just bad at social interaction, or if you just really want to see me without my pants on and don't care if its consensual or not, but either way you're making a really terrible first impression."

To be honest, Heather knew it was a terrible idea to talk to a terrifying-looking creature that towered over her in that way, but she was feeling extra snarky today after being out for a week and really didn't care at the moment.

"Are you done?" the being said, "Because if so, my name is Discord. You could describe me as one of those "reformed villains" that Twilight mentioned earlier, but I prefer to think I was never really evil to begin with. Just... chaotic."

"Well, I don't know about evil, but you definitely seem like a creeper with a very poor understanding of boundaries. Also, Discord? Doesn't that mean chaos? Did your parents hate you?"

Discord was about to respond, but quickly bit his lip and averted Heather's gaze.

"Oh god, they did, didn't they?" Heather said, and burst into laughter, "Oh my god, that is too funny... ow it hurts to laugh."

"You know, I was trying to be nice," Discord said, "But I was once the most feared being in all of Equestria, and I could show you I had that reputation."

"You could, but you will not," a familiar voice called out as Fluttershy flew through the window of the hospital room.

"Oh sure, just invite more people, its not like I just literally sent everyone out," Heather complained.

"Discord, you know what would happen if you attacked Heather or anyone else, right?" Fluttershy asked.

"Well, yes, but..."

"And you don't want that to happen, do you?"

"Well, no, but..."

"Then play nice, Discord," Fluttershy reprimanded.

Discord sighed, "Alright then Fluttershy, but I'd suggest you tell the same thing to your human friend over there. After all, we all saw what happened to her."

And with that, Discord disappeared from the room, leaving only Heather and Fluttershy.

"Oh hi Heather, I just heard you woke up," Fluttershy said happily, "How's it going.?"

Heather sighed, "Look... thanks for helping me out... but who was that guy?"

"Discord is... interesting," Fluttershy said, "He used to be an enemy of ours, but Princess Celestia and myself both believe he can be an important ally if we show him enough kindness."

"Well, good luck with that," Heather said, "Now, if you don't mind, I'm trying to get some rest."

"Oh, sorry," Fluttershy said, "I'll let you sleep. Good night."

Heather was finally alone again... and she didn't like it.

"I just realized, I literally have fuck all to do," Heather said.

"So, tell me why you brought us into this abandoned club house again?" Lindsay asked.

Izzy sighed, "Look, most of us aren't happy living where we are, and the ponies aren't happy with us eating their food and whatnot. So, I was thinking we should go get jobs, put our money together and buy our own place, just the four of us."

"Four?" Gwen asked.

"Well, I think we could use Bridgette's help, but she's regrettably still MIA," Izzy said.

"Okay, I'm down with everything you just said except for... um... all of it," Gwen said, "First of all, how are we supposed to get jobs? We're humans and a pony's world, and since we're the first humans to live here, I'm gonna guess there's no affirmative action for us."

"Well, not with that attitude," Izzy said.

"Not with any attitude," Gwen countered, "Look, the only jobs we could hope to ever get are, like, exotic sex worker or something, and personally I'm not thrilled with the prospect of putting horse dick in my mouth. Secondly, none of us have gotten kicked out, so there's really no reason to do this. Hell, the only person that has gotten kicked out of their place is Heather, and we're apparently not involving her."

"Okay, fair points," Izzy said, before pointing to Lindsay and saying "Counterpoint, go."

"Wait, why am I the counterpoint?" Lindsay asked.

"Well, Gwen's attacking my plan, you're defending it, and I'm the mediator. That's how this debate shit works, right?" Izzy asked.

"But its your plan! Why are you asking me to defend your plan?" Lindsay asked, "That's stupid; defend your own damn plan, I'll be the mediator."

"Yeah, you heard the woman Izzy."

"Alright then, here me out," Izzy said, "Firstly, we can set our own rules, no having to deal with ponies who think they're our parents. Also, we won't have to deal with Rarity and the others in any capacity unless we want to. And thirdly, there are always jobs around if you look hard enough. Sure, they might not be fun or enjoyable jobs, they might even be a little bit soul-crushing, but if we put all our money together then we won't have to be there very long."

"Yeah, but even if the job thing somehow works out, we still have no idea what the housing market looks like in Ponyville, and its already kinda soul-crushing to have to pay attention to that sort of thing," Gwen said.

"Well okay then," Izzy said, "You can sit on your ass all day and do nothing if you want."

"I don't sit on my ass all day," Gwen said, "I draw, I write..."

"Both of which involve sitting on your ass," Izzy replied.

"Okay, I feel like this is getting a little hostile," Lindsay said, "Maybe we should change the subject and come back to it later when one of our friends isn't missing and another, um, acquaintance isn't in the hospital."

"Well, screw you guys then," Izzy said, "The next time you see me, I'll have a job, and I'll be making a pile of cash so huge you'll have to climb it."

"You stole that line from Monster," Gwen said,

"Did not," Izzy shouted as suddenly a puff of smoke appeared. By the time the smoke had cleared, she was gone.

"You know, Indi certainly is an odd one," Lindsay said, "I can never quite tell what's going on in that brain of hers."

"Who- wait, you mean Izzy?" Gwen asked.

"Yeah her. Anyways, I know you're probably gonna say no to this, but do you wanna go shopping with me?"

"Well..." Gwen started, "Oh what the hell, why not. I could use some new clothes anyway. Not that they'd have anything in either of our sizes, but I'm sure we could ask Rarity to work her magic."

"You think she'd do it?" Lindsay asked.

"Rarity is a creative person... er, pony," Gwen said, "Any chance we get to redesign or improve something, we'll jump at the chance."

"Huh," Lindsay said, "I'll, uh, I'll keep that in mind.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash and Rarity were still looking for any signs of where Bridgette might be.

"I feel like we've checked everywhere in Ponyville, and I'm getting awfully tired," Rarity said.

"Oh stop being a drama queen Rarity, I've been searching for just as long as you have and you don't see me complaining," Rainbow Dash said.

"Yes Rainbow, but you can fly," Rarity countered.

"And you think my wings don't get tired?" Dash responded.

Rarity grumbled, "Anyway, you don't think she could've gone on the train somewhere, could she?"

Dash shrugged, "I don't know. I guess its possible. I don't see where she would go or why, but I don't know where else we haven't looked."

"Wait a second," Rarity said quickly, "We haven't looked inside any homes aside from our own."

"Yeah, well, that's because they're private property," Rainbow Dash said, "We can't exactly go barging through doors saying 'hey everyone, I'm looking for a blonde girl, mind if you stop what you're doing so we can look around'?"

"Well, yes I know," Rarity said, "But where else do you think she could possibly be? Besides, I have a hunch about which house she might be in?"

"Well, do tell, Rarity," Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

"Well, remember how on the human's first day here you told them to avoid Lyra? And remember how we've mostly managed to keep her away from the humans up until now?"

"And you think she's got Bridgette?" Dash asked.

"I don't know, but if I were a betting girl, I'd say probably," Rarity replied.

Dash let out an defeated sigh, "She's fucked then, isn't she?"

"Oh pretty much," Rarity replied, "But I guess we have to at least try to do something, don't we?"

Dash sighed again, "Being the hero sucks sometimes."

"Trust me, I know."

Author's Note

Note: Its been a while since I updated this fic, and in keeping with when the story was originally written, this fic takes place between Season 3 and Season 4 of MLP, in a hypothetical universe where the Human 6 arrived during that time.

VIII: The Sisterhood of the Travelling Heather

For the third time in just a few weeks, Bridgette found herself in an unknown location wearing unknown clothes. The last thing she remembered was heading to the hospital after hearing news that Heather was awake, now she was in... a house? Maybe? She had no idea how she got here, or how long she had been asleep... or why she was tied up to a steel bed in a barely lit room. Ok, now she was starting to panic. And in case those frightening facts weren't quite enough to make her question if she was going to be alive much longer, she heard a voice. A creepy, low, monotone, presumably female voice that felt more like something from a video game or a TV show rather than any kind of natural human or pony voice box.

"Hello, my pet human," the voice said, barely louder than a whisper.

"Pet?" Bridgette asked.

Well, shit, she thought, this pony's gonna be one of those people, isn't she?

"I see your finally awake," the voice said again, "Its a shame, you looked so cute when you were asleep."

The voice giggled to herself, and Bridgette grumbled.

"Ok, enough of this," Bridgette said, "Who are you, why do you have me tied up, and why are you calling me your pet? I don't know what's going on, but this is making me very uncomfortable and I want answers."

"All in good time, my pet," the voice said again.

"Stop that!" Bridgette said.

"Don't interrupt me," the voice hissed, "Now, as I was saying, I have a full day planned ahead of us, filled with all sorts of fun."

The voice began an evil laugh, as sweat began to fall down Bridgette's face. But before anything else happened, the lights flickered on and the ropes around Bridgette's arms and legs were loosened.

"I always wanted to do an evil laugh," the no-longer disembodied voice said. It was a green, female unicorn, one that Bridgette definitively remembered from earlier... the unicorn that she talked to before she blacked out and ended up wherever she was.

"Hey," the unicorn said, now with a much louder and happier cadence, "my name's Lyra. Who are you?"

"Uh... I'm Bridgette," Bridgette said.

"Nice to meet you Bridgette. Sorry about the introduction, but I always knew that if I ever met a human I wanted a grand entrance," Lyra said happily.

"Well... grand is one way of putting it," Bridgette said, slowly sliding off the bed she was previously tied to.

"Now, do you wanna watch the Saints with me?" Lyra asked.

"The Saints?" Bridgette asked.

"Yeah, you know, the Saints," Lyra said.

"What Saints?" Bridgette asked.

"You know, like Drew Brees," Lyra said.

"Oh, the Saints," Bridgette responded, "Uh... I'm not really much of a football fan, to be honest."

Lyra looked genuinely surprised, "But I thought football was the human pastime?"

Bridgette shrugged, "Well, it is in some part of the world I guess."

Lyra thought for a moment, "So humans have different hobbies based on geography. Interesting... would you like to see my room?"

"Against my better judgment, sure," Bridgette replied.

Lyra's room was a mess. It was cluttered with action figures, posters, and other random paraphernalia, all of it related to the humans or the human world in some way. Bridgette surmised that Lyra was some kind of, um, human fangirl perhaps, although she had no idea how she got all these collectibles. Oh yeah, and there was also the fact that she offered to watch a football game with her, which meant...

"So, how exactly did you get a TV?" Bridgette asked.

"Oh, the TV? I found that in a junk yard in Canterlot... turns out someone had gotten rid of it for some reason, I brought it over to my place and hey, it still works! And it only gets human channels, the best kind of channels!"

"Well, that's... interesting," Bridgette said, "What kind of channels?"

"Oh, you know, FOX, NBC, ABC, and all that stuff," Lyra said.

"So, like a basic cable package in the States?" Bridgette asked.

"Wait, basic?" Lyra asked, "You mean there are more channels?"

"Well, yeah, but I'm not sure how you could get them here. I don't even know how you're getting any channels here. How does any of this make sense?"

Lyra thought for a bit, "Um... magic?" She said, "Anyways, I have to show you the rest of my collection!"

"Well, okay then," Bridgette said, "Hey, uh, Lyra? How long have I been here?"

"Oh, about a day... probably closer to 21 hours," Lyra said.

"Well, alright, but that's..."

"And 42 minutes," Lyra added.

"Well, yes, but..."

"And 28 seconds... 29... 30..."

"Lyra!" Bridgette interrupted, "What I'm trying to say is that's a long time. I'm glad you're happy to see me, but I have to get back at some point. All my friends are worried about me... probably... maybe... and they're not really my friends... ok they actually probably don't care but I feel like I should head out anyway."

"But I'm not finished showing you my collection," Lyra said.

Bridgette sighed, "Fine, once you show me the rest of your collection, then can I leave."

"Well, of course," Lyra said.

"Well, thank you," Bridgette said, "Maybe I was too..."

"Right after we eat dinner together," Lyra continued, "And then watch TV together, and then drink a glass of Merlot and then smoke weed under the stars and then make sweet sweet-"

"You sure this is the right house?" Bridgette and Lyra heard a familiar voice call from downstairs.

"Of course its the right house," another familiar voice replied, "You really don't pay attention to where other ponies live, do you darling?"

"Rainbow Dash, Rarity!" Lyra yelled out, "I didn't know you two were coming over... why didn't you call? Or, um, knock?"

Lyra quickly raced downstairs to greet her friends, and Bridgette followed her.

"Save it Lyra," Rainbow Dash said, "You know why we're here."

"Because you wanted to watch the Saints this afternoon?" Lyra offered.

"The what?" Dash asked.

"You know the... okay no, we're not doing this again," Lyra said.

"Well, if you say so," Rarity said, "Anyways, you wouldn't happen to have seen... oh, there she is. Hello, Bridgette."

"Hi," Bridgette said.

"Lyra, why is Bridgette here?" Rainbow Dash asked, "You know you're not supposed to be around humans, right?"

"Well you know, we're just chilling," Lyra responded, "Hanging out, doing things that friends normally do."

"We are?" Bridgette asked.

"Sure, why not," Lyra said.

"Bridgette, I think its best if you leave this place," Rarity said.

"Aw, but we were just about to do the fun stuff," Lyra whined.

"Well, you can do the fun stuff some other time, maybe," Rainbow Dash said, "C'mon, let's go."

"Wait, don't go yet, we were supposed to be together. Please stay Bridgette," Lyra said, mustering her best puppy dog eyes impression.

"Uh... bye," Bridgette responded as she raced out the front door, with Dash and Rarity tagging along behind.

As the door slammed behind Lyra, the green unicorn was briefly sad... but only briefly, as a smile soon returned to her face.

"One day Bridgette, one day you will be mine," she said with a laugh, "in the meantime, I should probably be installing some cameras."

"I can't believe they didn't have a single mall in this entire town," Lindsay complained.

"Uh-huh," Gwen nodded.

"How can you have a population center that doesn't have a mall? I mean what do these people even do all day?" Lindsay asked.

"You know, I never really went to malls that often back on Earth," Gwen said, "So I can't see how I would have much use for a mall in a world of horses."

"Oh, come on Gwen," Lindsay said, "I'm sure they have a Hot Topic in your local mall."

"I- wait a second, I do shop at places other then Hot Topic, you know," Gwen said, "Anyways, can we just admit this shopping trip was a terrible idea?"

"Oh relax," Lindsay said, "Sure we've hit a bit of a roadblock, but I'm sure we'll find something."

"Why do you think that?" Gwen asked, "We have no idea where to go to get clothes here in Equestria, no store, big or small, is going to have anything in human sizes, and in case you haven't noticed, we don't have any money."

"Oh, don't worry about the money," Lindsay said, "Pinkie lent me some."

"She did?" Gwen asked.

"Yeah, and she was eager to do it," Lindsay said, "Maybe a little too eager..."

"Well, that's Pinkie," Gwen said, "So that's one problem, but what about the other two? We still have no idea where to go in this town to get casual clothes at all, let alone ones that fit humans. And yes, I know I said we could ask Rarity if she could re-tool the clothes to fit us, but what if she can't do it, or doesn't want to? I mean, I think she's pretty fed up with Izzy at this point, so I don't know how eager she would be to help us... yeah, I'm still not convinced this wasn't a disaster. How long have we been walking around for now? Long enough."

Lindsay stopped for a moment and thought before her face lit up.

"Well, I know that face," Gwen said, "What's your grand idea Lindsay, and it better not involve us trying to get a job."

"You remember that city that we went to after we got knocked out the first time?" Lindsay asked.

"The city?" Gwen asked, "Oh right, the city. The one where we met that pony princess, you mean?"

"Yeah, that one. Well, maybe we could go back there... I mean I'm sure if there's any place in Equestria that has stores for humans, it would probably be that, right? And even if they don't, they're sure to at least have like a mall or something."

"Maybe," Gwen said, "But how do we get there, and what was the city called?"

"I have no idea!" Lindsay said enthusiastically.

Gwen sighed, "Yup, still leaning towards disaster. You're lucky I have a sense of adventure, or else I'd be going home right about now."

"So, um, Fluttershy-"

"Shh..." Fluttershy responded, "Try not to be so loud, you're going to scare away all the little birds."

"Sorry," Heather said, much more quietly, "But won't they be scared away by simply seeing us here?"

"Oh, I don't think so. The little birdies are quite fond of pony company, we feed them, take care of them, keep them free from the nasty predators in the Everfree Forest."

"Wait, so the predator birds don't like ponies then."

"Oh no- well, they like me at the very least," Fluttershy hummed, "I can't speak for the rest of Ponyville though."

"Right," Heather said, "Also, keep in mind that these 'little birdies' may be used to pony company, but I'm not a pony."

"I'm sure the birds can't tell the difference," Fluttershy snickered, "As adoring and lovable as they are, they're not especially bright."

At that moment a small, bright yellow bird landed on Heather's leg brace. It was a bit of a loud chirper, but not unreasonably so, and it tilted its head upwards and stared blankly at Heather.

"Aw, I think he likes you," Fluttershy said.

"I, uh, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this," Heather replied.

"Don't worry, he's harmless," Fluttershy added, "In fact, he probably wants to tell you something. Isn't that right, little birdie, is there anything you want to tell Heather? Well, I'm not sure she can communicate with you, so why don't you tell me."

Fluttershy leaned in towards the bird, tilting her ear towards Heather's leg so she could hear what the little guy had to say. When he began chirping at her, Fluttershy's eyes grew wide with surprise.

"What did he say?" Heather asked curiously.

"Oh, I don't think I should repeat it," Fluttershy said, before moving closer to Heather and whispering in her ear, "He said he thinks you're a whore."

"Well tell him 'fuck you too'," Heather said.

"Now, now, Heather, we can't tell him that," Fluttershy explained, "It would make him angry, and then he would never talk to me again, and then he'd convince all his friends to never talk to me again, and maybe all the other animals in the Everfree Forest, and then I'd be alone-"

"Alright, I get the point," Heather said, "Maybe we should just move somewhere else?"

"Do you need help getting up?"

"No, I think I'm ok," Heather said, pulling herself up by her crutches.

The two began walking around the perimeter of the Everfree Forest, with Heather stumbling around on her crutches and Fluttershy hovering gently behind her to catch her in case she fell down.

"So, are you glad you got out of that stinky hospital?" Fluttershy asked.

"Um... I guess," Heather replied, "Not that bird-watching is exactly my idea of paradise either."

"Aw, but they're so cute," Fluttershy said, "Don't you just want to hug them and love them forever and ever?"

"Well, certainly not the one that called me a whore," Heather said, "Out of curiosity, can all ponies talk to animals or is it just you? Well, I suppose ponies are technically animals but-"

"I get what you mean," Fluttershy said, "And no, I think its just me. But talking to animals is my special talent, I mean it even says so on my flank."

"Oh right, your 'Cutie Mark'" Heather said, "Couldn't you have come up with a better name for it? Like, say, 'Power Mark' or 'Emblem of Destiny' or, I don't know, 'Precognitive Tramp Stamp', anything but cutie mark. I mean, are you trying to sound like 5 year old girls?"

"But they're cute and they're marks," Fluttershy said, "And frankly, I think if anyone is so insecure that the term bothers them, that's their problem, not ours."

Heather couldn't help but smile a little at her answer. Fluttershy may be shy, but she had convictions.

"You know, you've been awfully nice to me," Heather said, "Especially considering I just beat up your friend."

Fluttershy gave her a sideways glance.

"Alright, she beat me up," Heather said, "But you get my point, I was a little bit worried that none of you would ever want to talk to me again."

"Well... we thought about it," Fluttershy said, "But the 5 of us came together and figured that you just needed a little bit of friendship and compassion."

"Oh..." Heather said, "Well that seems..."

"You're still on thin ice though," Fluttershy warned icily, "You better not slip up again."

Normally Heather wouldn't have had a problem standing up to Fluttershy, but something about her gaze and the way she spoke suggested that this just wasn't the right time to fuck around with her.

"Alright, I promise I will not punch any of your friend's again."

"Wonderful," Fluttershy said, with her normally cheery and demure demeanor returning, "Applejack still doesn't want to talk to you though. I think it'd be best if you leave Sweet Apple Acres."

"Is this why you wanted to hang out with me?" Heather asked, "To get me to stay at your place so you can get rid of Courtney?"

"No, no, don't think of it that way," Fluttershy said, "I do legitimately want to spend time with you."

"So you can dissect my brain and figure out what's wrong with me?"

Fluttershy sighed, "Y'know, you remind me of my brother sometimes."

"Why, what's your brother like?" Heather asked.

"He's a super nice guy," Fluttershy said sweetly, "But sometimes he can be a bit... entitled, I guess. Maybe a bit of a brat who thinks the world revolves around him. Oh, I feel kinda bad talking about him in that way but-"

"Don't worry, I have an annoying little brother too," Heather said, "I- hold on, I need to sit down for a bit."

Heather sat down, well, more like collapsed really under the weight of her still-healing leg. Fluttershy tried to help her cushion the blow a little bit by holding her while she tripped-up.

"Look, Heather," Fluttershy said, "I know you got off to a bit of a rough start with Applejack."

"Rough is a rather generous way of putting things," Heather said.

"But myself and the other girls, we do like you, honestly. We want to be friends with you, and show you all the things our world has to offer. We know you're not happy about being stuck in an unfamiliar world, and I sense some hostility between you and the rest of the Human 6."

"Is that what you're calling us now?" Heather asked, "Also yeah, saying there's hostility wouldn't be inaccurate, although considering I've literally competed against all five of those girls for prize money... well let's just say some degree of hostility was inevitable."

"Oh... wow," Fluttershy said, "I can't imagine what it must be like to compete against your friends. That... that sounds horrible."

"Well, we weren't really friends," Heather said, "I didn't know any of them until the competition started."

"Anyways, Heather, my point is that you don't have to worry about who you can trust anymore," Fluttershy said, "I'm your friend, and Twilight and Pinkie and Rarity and Rainbow Dash are your friends too."

"Sure," Heather replied, not especially convinced.

"And I'm sure the other girls here want to be your friend too if you'd allow it," Fluttershy said, "Speaking of which..."

Heather felt a hand graze her left shoulder and jumped a little, turning around expeditiously to find Bridgette wearing a stupid grin on her face. In the distance, Heather saw a figure that looked like Izzy running towards her as well.

"Sorry Heather, did I spook you?" Bridgette asked.

Heather sighed, "What do you want Bridgette?"

"Oh nothing much," Bridgette answered, "I just didn't get to see you at the hospital over the past couple days due to... let's say unforeseen circumstances, so I wanted to make sure you were ok."

"Also, I'm here," Izzy said, finally arriving, "Hi Bridgette, hi Heather, hi YellowShy."

Heather smiled a little, "Um... thanks Bridgette. Yeah, I'm ok. I mean, most of my body is still in some kind of pain, but the doctors say I'm gonna make a full recovery. Of course they'd never operated on a human before, but anatomically speaking we're not that different-"

"Also, Izzy and I need to talk to you," Bridgette said.

"Well shit," Heather said, "That's kind what I was hoping to avoid."

"Also, hi Fluttershy," Bridgette said, "Um... I don't mean to be rude, but do you mind giving us some space? I, uh, kinda want it to be between the three of us."

"Oh..." Fluttershy said, visibly surprised, "Um... ok. Bye Heather, I'll talk to you later, alright?"

"Yeah, definitely," Heather said, "It, uh, it was nice getting to know you better by the way."

"Thank you!" Fluttershy called out as she was flying away. Heather stared at her as the yellow pegasus faded into the horizon before turning her intention to the blonde and ginger who apparently desperately needed her time.

"Aw, isn't that sweet Heather," Izzy said, "You made a friend. And she's cute too- in a completely non-sexual way of course."

"Izzy if there's anyone on Earth who I could see fucking a horse it'd be you," Heather replied, "Well, you or Sierra, but only because Sierra reeks of desperation."

"Yeah, well at least if I tried to fuck a horse the horse would let me," Izzy said, "No man, human or horse, would ever stick their dick anywhere near that fat wobbly ass of yours."

"Oh, we're making judgments based on appearance now?" Heather said, "And I thought I was supposed to be the bitchy one. Also, Bella, if I were you I wouldn't be shit-talking other girls about their appearance..."

"Ladies, please," Bridgette said, "See, this is exactly why I wanted to talk to the both of you."

"She started it," Heather grumbled.

"Never mind who started it," Bridgette said, "Just... listen. Back in Muskoka we were all in competition with each other, right? We had to constantly undermine each other to reach our goals. But here... that's not the case anymore. We're in a strange, unfamiliar land populated by strange unfamiliar creatures and we have no idea when we might be getting home. The only way we have a chance of thriving is by sticking together."

"And you think all the bad blood of the past year and a half can just be washed away with one speech?" Heather replied, "Back in high school, before Total Drama and all that shit started, I never would've been caught dead hanging out with any of you. You think now that I don't literally have a reason to want you dead we're all of a sudden going to be gal pals? Fuck Bridgette, this is supposed to be your little solidarity meeting and half the girls didn't even show up."

Bridgette paused for a second, "Well, I looked for Gwen and Lindsay, but I couldn't find them."

"I kinda know where they are," Izzy added, "Twilight told me they went to go shopping... God only knows where that journey took them."

"Wait, shopping?" Heather asked, "I mean, I could see Lindsay doing that, but I never really took Gwen for a shopaholic."

"Well, what would you rather be doing?" Bridgette asked, "Shopping with Lindsay, or babysitting Pinkie Pie and getting hassled by the Cakes?"

"Okay point taken," Heather said, "But what about Courtney? She's been pretty distant ever since we got here."

"Courtney?" Bridgette sighed, "Well..."

"Surely there's gotta be something I can do?" Courtney asked.

"Um... not really," Rarity said, "I mean we're all done with inventory around here, and I only have 3 more dresses to make for the day, all of which I can, and should, do on my own."

"What about cleanup?" Courtney asked.

"I suppose I could call you back in 90 minutes or so," Rarity said, "But considering I have the use of magic and you don't, you'd most likely just get in my way, no offence."

Courtney frowned.

"Look," Rarity said, "Applejack always has something more to do, why don't you head over to Sweet Apple Acres and help her out? Besides, on a somewhat selfish note, Jackie and I have plans tonight, so the sooner she's done with her day, the sooner our night can begin."

"Oh, thank you Rarity, you're a life saver," Courtney said while tripping over a box of multicoloured threads.

After restoring the box to its original upright state via magic, Rarity replied, "Courtney sweetie, we really need to get you a hobby."

"But if I have a hobby," Courtney said, "Then I'm not doing work. And if I'm not doing work, how am I supposed to deal with the creeping existential dread over the fact that my entire future has been destroyed?"

Rarity sighed, "Courtney, has anyone ever told you that you're a child in a grown woman's body?"

"Courtney... is still adjusting," Bridgette said, "But anyways that's not the point. The point is that yeah, that bad blood between us might run pretty deep, but for our own sake's we need to put it aside. The only people we know for sure we can trust are the six of us."

"What about Fluttershy?" Heather asked.

"Fluttershy is a sweetheart, but we haven't known her for very long and there could be ulterior motives," Bridgette said.

"I... highly doubt that's the case," Heather replied.

"More importantly," Izzy cut in, "Even if Fluttershy and the other ponies only have the most noble of intentions, there's still the fact that they don't know what we've been through. Unless we could somehow transport the lot of them one-way to Afghanistan, they wouldn't know what its like to be cut off from your friends and family in a strange world where you can count the number of members of your species on two hands."

"Wait, why Afghanistan?" Heather asked.

"God, you really do have a penchant for asking the least interesting possible questions, don't you?" Izzy said exasperatedly.

"Its what I do," Heather deflected.

"Look, Heather," Bridgette said, "Maybe there are other humans here, Total Drama kids or otherwise, and maybe we find a way out of this place in less then a week and we never have to speak to each other ever again, but for now, if the six of us want to survive, we need to be close. Anything that goes wrong or anything you're uncomfortable with, you need to be able to talk to... well preferably all of us, but at least one of us. You'll go insane if you don't. All the shit that happened, that Chris McLean put us through, that's in the past. Until we leave this fucking place, we need to be tighter then Owen's butt before Izzy shoved her fist up there."

"How did you- I mean that never happened!" Izzy protested.

"Bridgette, I don't know why you just said that, but I'm gonna pretend you didn't."

"He also wanted me to spank him and call him mommy's little princess," Izzy confessed.

"Ok, ew," Heather said, "Can we please get back to team-building exercises or whatever the hell we were doing?"

"You see, that's the kind of thing that only girls who are as close as sisters would share with each other," Bridgette said.

"Bridge, please tell me you don't talk about fisting with your sisters," Heather said, "But alright, I see your point. Besides, all things considered I'd much rather talk to you two then Gwen or Courtney, and I couldn't talk to Lindsay even if I wanted to."

"Yeah, sadly you kinda have a point with that last one," Bridgette said, "I mean, I like her and all, but she's a bit special."

The two girls had a moment of simply staring at each other, before Heather spoke up to end the awkward silence.

"So," Heather said, "Does this mean we have to sit around braiding each other's hair and confessing our most embarrassing secrets?"

"Uh... maybe just start with, like, a handshake or something?" Bridgette said.

"Handshake?" Izzy interjected, "Fuck that, its group hug time!"

"I really don't think that's necessary," Heather said, but her protests fell on deaf ears as Izzy grabbed the other two girls and hugged them tightly. Bridgette quickly hugged back, and while Heather was a tad apprehensive at first, even she found herself wrapping her arms around Bridgette and Izzy.

"Hey, so I just want to say that I'm sorry I called you fat," Izzy said.

"And I'm sorry I called you ugly," Heather replied, "But Izzy?"

"Yeah?"

"Please don't fist me."

Izzy growled before shouting, "Oh goddammit Bridgette!"

Author's Note

Hey folks, I don't usually like to do author's notes, but there's two things I want to address.

Firstly, yes, its been a distressingly long time between updates. I could give you my usual excuses for that, but honestly there is no justifiable reason for me to go so long before updating and for that I apologize.

Secondly, a few people have said that the Total Drama characters curse a lot more and act a lot more lewd then they did on the actual show. That's certainly true, but my justification for making that decision is essentially that Total Drama Island is a TV show both diegetically and non-diegetically, meaning that there's both an in-universe audience and an out-of-universe one.

Its that out-of-universe audience that matters for two reasons; one, teenagers on camera will likely try to model better behaviour then they otherwise would display if they weren't being filmed, even characters like Heather that don't mind displaying their awful, Machiavellian thoughts to the world would probably be less enthused about sharing, say, the kinky details of her sex life. Secondly, anything over the top that would be caught on camera could simply be cut out by the in-universe censors. Free now from the cameras, the network, and the pressure (not to mention Chris McLean) the characters would have little-to-no incentive to hold back about basically any of their thoughts aside from the general "this shouldn't be said in a polite society" filter that we all have, a filter that also wouldn't be nearly as powerful if you got flung into another dimension run by horses.

IX: The Sisterhood of the Travelling Gwen

The archaic-looking steam train sounded its whistle, shut its doors to the platform and began heading northward towards its ultimate destination in Manehattan. Along the way, it would stop at several towns and cities, including Canterlot, Equestria's capital and second largest city, and the destination that Gwen and Lindsay were vying to get to even if they didn't know it. The two girls found an empty booth towards the back of the train and sat down across the aisle from a pony couple who was staring at them nervously.

"Its a good thing we managed to get to the station 12 minutes before the train left," Gwen said.

"12 minutes and 13 seconds, I think, but yeah, that was lucky," Lindsay said, "Maybe that means this day will go well after all."

"Wait, why did you-"

"But hey, who's counting?" Lindsay said.

"Uhhh okay... Anyway, do you know how long the layover time is between trains?" Gwen asked.

"How should I know that?" Lindsay asked, "Although if I had to guess, I'd say probably around 2-3 hours."

"So there's only like four northbound trips per day then?" Gwen asked.

"I don't know, go ask the conductor or something," Lindsay asked, "By the way, how do we know north is the right direction?"

"Well, most of the cities are to the north," Gwen said, "And we know we want to go to one of the cities. Plus, I think the city we're looking for is called Canterlot... I checked out the map at the platform, and Canterlot had a big gold star next to it. I know we're looking for the capital, so I think that must be it."

"Oh, how convenient," Lindsay said.

"Besides, Canterlot is a lot closer then the others and, not that I might spending time with you or anything but I'd rather not spend 6 hours there and back to go to the mountainy regions in the far north," Gwen said.

"Actually, I think this train is all station stops to Manhattan," Lindsay said.

"Wait, Manhattan?" Gwen asked, "Ok, at some point we really gotta figure out the geography of this place, because its weird as fuck."

"Next Stop: Blumhurst Station," a voice from the PA system blasted over the train, "Blumhurst Station is our next stop."

"What the hell is Blumhurst?" Lindsay asked.

"Lindsay, why do you ask me questions I'd have no way of knowing," Gwen said, "Go ask the conductor or one of the attendants if it really concerns you that much."

At that moment, a small mare pushing a tray of drinks rolled up towards the two women.

"Good afternoon," the mare said, "Would you like some refreshments?"

"What kind of refreshments do you have?" Gwen asked.

"Um... well we have water, orange juice, cranberry juice, vinegar, beer..."

"I'll have a beer please," Gwen said, "Lindsay, get one too so I don't feel self-conscious."

"Uh, ok," Lindsay said.

"Two beers, then," Gwen said.

"Alright, so our classic Badlands Brew is included within the price of the ticket," the trolley mare said, "We could get you an imported beer too if you wish but it'll cost you extra."

"Badlands Brew is fine," Gwen said.

"Wonderful, two Badlands Brews," the mare said, pulling two cans of beer out of her ice box before continuing, "Hey, so, if you don't mind me asking, where are you two from exactly?"

"Well, she's originally from Hamilton," Lindsay said, "And I'm from Kitchener."

"Lindsay, she's not gonna know what those are," Gwen said, "Um... do you know what Earth is?"

The trolley mare thought for a moment before saying, "Wait, are you two homo sapiens?"

"Uh... yes," Gwen said.

"God dammit, Lyra," the mare said, momentarily irritated. Her sunshine demeanor quickly returned however when she said "Well, it was good meeting you both, have a pleasant trip."

She quickly turned to face towards the couple on the other side of the aisle, leaving Gwen and Lindsay back to there own devices once again.

"Ok, who the hell is Lyra and why does everyone always say that?" Lindsay asked.

"I don't know," Gwen said, "Maybe she's like the town drunk or town crazy person or something. Like those weirdos on Barton Street rambling incoherently about UFOs or whatever. Except those guys get grabby sometimes... shit, what if this Lyra is like a sexual predator or something?"

"God, let's hope not," Lindsay said, "By the by, when the trolley mare was listing the available drinks, did my hearing malfunction or did she say vinegar?"

"Yeah, I heard that too," Gwen said.

"Is that a thing people do here?" Lindsay asked exasperatedly, "Do they drink vinegar? God this place is weird."

"Linds, remember what I just said about asking me questions that I couldn't possibly know the answer to?"

"I know, I know, I was just... y'know what, let's just drink our beers already before they get warm and soggy."

Gwen popped open the tab on her can and, with the stale air still rushing out, raised her drink into the air.

"Here's to... uh... not dying in that volcano?"

"Amen to that sister," Lindsay smiled.

The two girls clanked cans and began chugging their drinks. Well, Lindsay forgot to open hers first, but after that was taken care of she started chugging her drink.

"Is the trolley mare still here?" Gwen said after putting her drink down.

"Uh... no, I think she went into the next car up," Lindsay replied.

"Ok good," Gwen said, "Because holy shit does this taste terrible."

"I usually can't tell the difference between any different brand of beer, and yeah, even I agree," Lindsay said, "This is awful; although honestly we probably should've expected that."

"What do you mean?" Gwen asked.

"Well, its called Badlands Brew," Lindsay replied, "If it was good beer, it would've been called Goodlands Brew."

"Uh... I think they mean Badlands as in a location in Equestria, kinda like how people sometimes call the Alberta Tar Sands 'The Badlands'," Gwen said.

"Well you thought that," Lindsay said, "But now you know better. See, the world would be a much better place if everyone would just listen to Lindsay."

Gwen sighed and rolled her eyes, but said nothing. Let her have her moment, she thought to herself.

"By the way, I've always been kinda fascinated by your hair," Lindsay said.

"My... hair?" Gwen asked.

"I mean it looks great don't get me wrong," Lindsay said hurriedly, "Its just... how do you get that many different colours at once? Its like rainbow hair but, like, goth style."

"Honestly, I just make sure to get it dyed regularly," Gwen said, "And the colours just kinda fall where they may. But that reminds me, I don't have my hair dyes with me and my roots are starting to show, so if we find a hair salon in Canterlot I'm thinking about just dying it black."

"I think you'd look good with black hair," Lindsay said, "Not that you don't look fantastic now, its just-"

"Lindsay, relax," Gwen said, "Its not really your style and that's fine."

"No, but I mean it is," Lindsay said, "Like, I'm not sure its something I'd do, but on you its gorgeous, its powerful, its like this statement of 'fuck you, my name is Gwen and I do what I want'."

"That was... surprisingly poetic," Gwen replied.

"Well, creative writing has always been one of my stronger subjects... relative to the others I mean. I got 95% in shop class though, that's pretty good, right?"

"Lindsay, I didn't say- wait, why did you feel the need to tell me that?" Gwen asked

"Oh, you know, I'm all about making small talk. I mean this one time I talked at Leshawna for like 36 straight minutes, I don't think she really understood a thing I said but at least it killed the awkward silence, right?"

"Yeah I guess..." Gwen said, "Personally I don't mind awkward silences that much, I mean sometimes being quiet around someone can show you're at least a bit comfortable with them."

Suddenly Lindsay looked embarrassed, perhaps even ashamed.

"Uh," she said, "I just wanna be clear that when I said Leshawna didn't understand me I'm not saying-"

"Yeah no, I understood what you meant," Gwen said, "You're saying you just babbled nonesense and it just went in one ear and out the other for her."

"Exactly," Lindsay said, "So like, could I pay you to be my permanent thought translator? I don't seem to be very good with words."

"I mean, what exactly could you pay me with?" Gwen asked, not really expecting a response.

Lindsay thought for a bit, "Uh... kisses?" she mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing."

After their little private meeting, Bridgette, Izzy, and Heather found themselves walking through Ponyville's downtown centre, passing numerous now-familiar faces along the way.

"Hey Bridgette," a purple earth pony called out.

"Hi Cheerilee," Bridgette said, "Like the hair."

"Thanks, I've been working on it," Cheerilee said, "Love the outfit by the way."

"You do?" Bridgette asked, "I think its a bit... much, honestly."

"I mean yeah its a bit dated," Cheerilee said, "But I like the way it makes your abdominal muscles look."

"Thanks, Cheerilee," Bridgette said happily, "Yeah I'm a surfer by nature, so I've worked hard on my abs my whole life. I'm glad someone else noticed it."

"You're going to make some stallion very happy some day Bridgette," Cheerilee said.

"I had a man once, but I'll probably never see him again," Bridgette muttered under her breath.

"Pardon?" Cheerilee asked.

"Nothing, its just... thanks for the compliment Cheerilee," Bridgette said as she began walking away. But no sooner did Cheerilee walk along before another pony effectively took her place.

"Hey Bridgette," Thunderlane said exuberantly.

"How you doin' Thunderlane?" Bridgette asked.

"I'm fine, thanks," Thunderlane said, "Love the outfit by the way. Really accentuates your... uh... blonde mane."

"Thank you, Thunderlane, although I must ask; do you love the outfit, or do you love that you get to see more of what's underneath the outfit?"

Thunderlane put his head down dejectedly, "The second one," he said.

"Yeah... still not into ponies in that way," Bridgette said, "Although keep trying, you might get lucky some day."

At that moment, Bridgette slipped behind Thunderlane and gave him a brief shoulder massage and a quick peck on the neck before waltzing away towards the next person who wanted to say hi to her.

"Why do they all like you so much?" Heather asked.

"Well, partly because I actually talk to them, as opposed to just sulking in my room and/or poking them with sticks," Bridgette said, "But I suppose the outfit likely has something to do with it as well."

"Hey, I only did the stick thing twice," Izzy said, "The third time it was someone else."

"Actually yeah, I've been meaning to ask about the outfit," Heather said, "It doesn't seem very... you."

Bridgette was wearing a top that covered her breasts and very little else, and a miniskirt that reached down about as far as her upper thighs, making her underwear clearly visible every time she moved. Also, her entire outfit was leopard print.

"It was a gift," Bridgette said.

"Oh..." Heather said, "From Geoff?"

"No," Bridgette replied curtly.

"Huh... anyone I know?" Heather added.

"Hopefully not," Bridgette uttered darkly.

Before Heather or Izzy had the chance to respond, Bridgette felt something smack her on the behind. When she turned around to try and see what just happened, she found an all-to-familiar small teal unicorn.

"Hey sexy thang," Lyra called out.

"Hi Lyra," Bridgette grumbled.

"So, I see you're still wearing that outfit I gave you," Lyra said, "That's gotta mean something, right?"

"Yeah, it means that it's literally the only pair of clean clothes I own," Bridgette replied.

"The only pair of clean clothes, huh?" Lyra asked suggestively, "I wonder what you were doing to make those other pairs dirty?"

"Um... excuse me?" Bridgette said exasperatedly, "Look, Lyra, I appreciate the enthusiasm and I like that you want to spend time with me, but one, I technically have a boyfriend right now, two, I'm not really looking for sex, and three, you're being really forward and overbearing and its kinda freaking me out. So hey, how about next time you invite me out for a cup of coffee or something instead of kidnapping me and trying to fuck me right away, alright?"

Momentarily Lyra looked stunned, aghast even at what the angry blonde had just told her. Bridgette couldn't tell if she was about to apologize, or run away crying, or try to pick a fight with her. After what seemed like an eternity at a crossroads, Lyra did eventually respond.

"Good," she said, "I like a lady that plays hard to get."

Bridgette screamed. She just screamed. It had been a long time since she had to deal with someone this aggressively objectifying, this irritatingly obstinate, this much of a creepy weirdo. Not that Bridgette had never seen creeps before, but this was beyond the pale.

"Hey, do either of you two idiots want to tell this turquoise troglodyte to piss off and leave me alone?" She shouted.

"What? Hell no," Heather said, "I'm way too curious to see where this is going."

"Of course you'd say that," Bridgette said, "Well, what about you Izzy? Do you- where the hell did she go?"

"Its Izzy, she does that sometimes," Heather said, but when they turned back to face Lyra she began to leave as well.

"I gotta get back to the wifey," Lyra said, "But I'll see you around," she continued, after which she blew Bridgette a kiss and ran off into the distance.

"Wait, so she's the one who gave you those clothes?" Heather asked.

"Yeah, and she's also the reason I couldn't visit you at the hospital," Bridgette said, "Her name is Lyra, she's obsessed with humans and she's creepy as hell."

"And she's taken a liking to you?" Heather asked.

"That appears to be the case," Bridgette replied.

"Well," Heather sighed, "I think you're probably fucked."

The two girls kept walking quietly, hoping to avoid any more commotion, when out in the distance they saw Courtney running towards them. And it was definitely towards them specifically, as Courtney seemed to pick up her pace considerably once she spotted them. Now dealing with Courtney still wasn't something either girl was thrilled about of course, but she also wasn't a serial sexual harasser with human fetish, so she'll do. For now.

"Hey," Courtney panted.

"Uh... hi," Bridgette said, "Courtney have you been running a marathon or something, you look exhausted."

"More like continuously running errands," Courtney said, wiping her hair out of her face.

"Wait, why?" Bridgette asked, "I mean you do you obviously but still-"

"It helps me forget," Courtney said.

"About what?"

"What the hell do you think?" Courtney replied, shooting her a look, "Anyways, I'm actually here to speak to Heather."

"I'm just gonna say from experience that 'I'm here to speak to Heather' is usually a bad sign," Heather said, "Generally it means they're pissed at me over something. Or they're about to ask me if doing a stereotypical Asian accent is racist."

"Well, uh, its not the accent thing, I can assure you that," Courtney said, "Look, Applejack wants you to get your stuff and leave. Like, as soon as possible."

"Yeah, Fluttershy already mentioned that," Heather said, "Though if Applejack touched any of my stuff I'll... well she better not have."

"I, uh, I don't think she did," Courtney said, "I mean, that's not something that would make any sense for her to do."

"True, but these ponies are fucking weird," Heather said, "And pretty touchy-feely too, like more then girls back home are except maybe Lindsay."

"So, I bet you're wondering where you're gonna stay now," Courtney said.

"To put it bluntly, yes" Heather replied, "And I bet you somehow know the answer."

"Ha, you'd like that wouldn't you?" Courtney taunted.

"Uh... yeah, I'd like to know where I'm sleeping, thank you very much."

Noticing how the atmosphere was turning sour, Bridgette cleared her throat, "Hey, so if you guys are gonna have a moment here I think I'm gonna head out... maybe change into something less... Lyra."

"Actually Bridgette, we might need your help moving Heather's stuff," Courtney said, "Essentially, what Applejack and I were thinking was that-"

"Well of course you're still talking to her, you fucking rat," Heather interrupted.

"Well she didn't punch me," Courtney protested, "Anyway, the plan was that I could move in with her and Bridge while you could stay at Fluttershy's. We figured that would work best for now, assuming its okay with all parties involved."

"So... we're gonna be housemates again?" Bridgette asked.

"Pretty much," Courtney said, "It'll be like old times, only without Katie... and Sadie... and Eva at the very beginning."

"Well, I'm on board with this," Heather said, "Bridgette, as much as hanging out with you wasn't nearly as excruciating as I imagined, I'd much rather be surrounded by pets all day then have to see Apple Cinnamon's face waking me up again."

"Well its settled then," Courtney said, "By the way, do you think you could get the other girls to help, there isn't a ton of stuff but having more people around wouldn't hurt."

"Uh... no, that's not gonna happen," Heather said, "And its not to spite you or anything, I legitimately don't know where they are. I mean Izzy was here just a moment ago until she randomly fucked off and the other two I think left Ponyville?"

"Wait, why?" Courtney asked.

"Honestly I don't even know, they'll probably be back soon enough once they realize that whatever the hell they were trying to find doesn't exist."

"Hmmm..." Courtney said, "Maybe..."

"Maybe what?"

"Maybe... Gwen is just really fucking weird and does stupid shit for no reason."

"Yeah... no disagreement from me there," Heather said.

"So anyways, here's a little advice for the future," Gwen said, "If any guy you're trying to hook up with has a "cousin" that he seems to be unusually close to and spend an extraordinary amount of time with, break up with that guy, because he's definitely fucking that bitch on the side."

Gwen finished the remainder of her disgusting Badlands Brew and placed the empty can on the seat next to her.

"Huh, so cousin love is more common then I thought," Lindsay responded, "Well, who am I to judge."

"No, Linds, I'm saying they're not actually cousins," Gwen sighed.

"Oh," Lindsay said, "Well, what if she really is his cousin?"

"Then he's probably banging his cousin and that's even more of a red flag," Gwen said.

"Well, it could be worse," Lindsay said, "Izzy told me she knew a guy who banged his mom."

"Of course she did," Gwen deadpanned.

"Then again she also told me she shoved her fist up Owen's ass," Lindsay said, "So I'm not sure how much of what she says I should believe."

"Seriously, where the hell does Izzy find these people?" Gwen asked.

"I don't know, probably in King George or wherever the hell she's from," Lindsay said.

"Uh... Prince George but... yeah, that wasn't really the point I was trying to make. But its worth asking: how does someone from a tiny little village in eastern BC have that much baggage?"

"Well maybe she's making it all up," Lindsay suggested.

"I doubt it, I mean you saw the fucking RCMP chopper show up to arrest her, right?" Gwen asked.

"Honestly that whole night was a blur, I was mostly just internally freaking out cuz I thought I was about to be voted off," Lindsay said.

"Yeah, you were one of the final two," Gwen said, "For what its worth I didn't vote you off, though I don't remember who I-"

"Gwen, with all due respect, I don't really care about that stuff anymore," Lindsay said, "Its all behind us now."

"Hey, you got my name right!" Gwen said, "Twice now, I think."

"Yeah, its easier when I'm actually talking to you," Lindsay replied, "Though I'd still forget Taylor's. Though to be honest, I know a million Taylor's, so its not that surprising I'd forget."

"You mean Tyler?" Gwen said.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I mean," Lindsay said, before sighing and slumping in her chair.

Gwen looked at her sympathetically. "You miss him, don't you?" She asked.

"I miss a lot of people," Lindsay replied, "Some more then others. I mean no offense to Ava-"

"Eva," Gwen corrected.

"Eva," Lindsay continued, "No offense to her, but I never really got to know her that well; honestly she just seemed like a real jerk. But yeah, the point is I miss a lot of people."

"I- I'm not sure if I do," Gwen replied, "Don't get me wrong I'm extremely glad you're here with me. You, Bridgette, and... actually mostly just you and her; but I'd go absolutely insane if I had to be here by myself, surrounded by nothing but Pinkie Pie. But of the campers we'll likely never see again, I can't say there are any that I'm heartbroken over."

Lindsay looked confused, "Uh... what about your boyfriend? Or did I miss something?"

Gwen shrugged, "Duncan was cool, but it was an extended summer fling. It never would've worked out for us long term."

"Why not, you two seemed perfect for each other.?"

"We're kids, Lindsay," Gwen said, "Really messed up kids, but still. Maybe you and Tyler or Geoff and Bridgette could end up together long term, but not us. A couple years from now Duncan will be probably be fucking some crackhead who sucks dick like a pornstar and he won't even remember my name. Or Courtney's for that matter."

The two girls seemed to run out of things to say to each other. Gwen ruminated on her last few words over and over in her head, wondering if they were the right thing to say, or if she upset her blonde compatriot. Lindsay simply stared out the window, able to process Gwen's comments but unwilling to truly internalize them. Maybe Gwen was just being cynical to hide the pain of loss, she thought. After what might as well have been an eternity though, Gwen finally uncrossed her legs and meekly spoke.

"Sorry, I don't mean to be a downer. But yeah, I just can't see him and I being together forever or anything like that. Plus he was, uh, a bit of an early bloomer if you catch my drift."

"Wait, I'm not sure I- oooh I get it," Lindsay chuckled, "Its funny because the drift is semen."

Quickly though, Lindsay's smile faded from her face as she returned to staring aimlessly out the window. Clearly there was something specific on her mind, though Gwen could only speculate as to what.

"Y'know who I miss the most," Lindsay said quietly, "I miss Beth."

"You know, for some reason I had a feeling you were gonna say that," Gwen said, "It seemed like you two connected really well, at least after you both ditched Heather."

"Or, more like after she ditched us," Lindsay said, "But yeah, I guess we just clicked so, so well. Like two peas in a pod, or whatever the equivalent of peas that people actually eat are. Wait, does that sound weird?"

"And yet here you are," Gwen said, "Stuck with Heather and not Beth. Granted I'm sure being isolated with Beth in a land full of magical unicorns wouldn't exactly be your dream life either-"

"I mean I don't know about dream life but I'll take it. If I had Beth here, and maybe Leshawna, and definitely some of my friends from back home, I think I could actually make this work... oh, and also better outfits, that part is crucial."

As Lindsay was speaking, Gwen noticed a small earth pony enter their train car. She really didn't think anything of it at the time, largely because Earth ponies were everywhere back in Ponyville, but the pony's rather blase design of grey and blue didn't do much for the eye either. She, and Gwen was only assuming she was female, looked rather mild and unassuming from a distance, perhaps even apprehensive, wishing that she could be anywhere but this train at this moment. So why was Gwen drawn to her then? Well, aside from the fact that it was just something to observe, there was an intensity in her eyes that was difficult to look away from, a steel-blue hue that absolutely radiated... something. To be honest Gwen wasn't sure what her eyes were telling her, only that they had things to say.

And hey, as luck would have it, the Earth pony sat down on the chair next to Lindsay and kitty corner from Gwen. It seemed to take her a few moments to gather her composure, but she did finally speak.

"Hello there, friends," the pony said, with a distinctly female voice, "I hope you don't mind me interrupting, but I don't see a lot of humans around and I wanted to say hello."

"Uh... hello," Gwen and Lindsay said in unison.

"Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself," the pony said, "So, my name is Everblue Spruce. I live in West Canterlot in a store that specializes in garments for non-ponies, including zebras, griffins, breezies and, of course, you guys. I bring this up because I, uh, I heard you talking about clothes if I'm not mistaken."

"Actually yes, we were actually heading to Canterlot for that exact reason," Gwen said, "Isn't that funny."

Spruce laughed a little bit, "Why yes, it is. Life is funny that way sometimes. But I should point out that our specialty shop is in West Canterlot, at the base of the mountain. Its admittedly a bit more, um, working class then Canterlot's hoity toity centre, but you'll be able to find what you need without going through a tailor."

"With all due respect Sparks-"

"Spruce."

"Spruce," Lindsay continued, "How do we know this isn't an elaborate trap? I mean I don't want to look a gift ho- aw shit."

"Lindsay, we're kinda out of options here," Gwen said, "If we reject Spruce, we're just gonna be wandering around aimlessly hoping no one thinks two giant, hairless monkeys in the middle of Equestria's Toronto is 'call the cops' worthy."

"And besides, I can promise from the bottom of my heart that this isn't simply an elaborate ruse for nefarious purposes. I know you don't know me very well, but... sorry dear what's your name again?"

"Me? Its Gwen," Gwen said.

"Gwen, I'm hoping by this point we have enough of an understanding that you can tell that I'm being truthful."

Gwen said nothing, she simply looked down and around, averting the gaze of Spruce and Lindsay alike.

"Buuut, if you're not convinced, then perhaps I could tell you about Queen Nova."

"Queen Nova?" Gwen asked.

"She's the owner of the store. And, get this, she's a human! The only human I'd ever met before you two lovely ladies."

"Hang on a second, there's just another human hanging out in Canterlot?" Gwen said, "God this has been a weird day."

"Yeah, for a long time she thought she was the only one as well," Spruce said, "She'll be absolutely ecstatic to meet you."

Gwen sighed, "Y'know what, sure. Why not. I mean if my entire understanding of the world is going to be completely overwritten every couple of weeks, why not at least embrace the chaos. So, snort, you can tell Queen Nova that I am absolutely ecstatic to meet her too."

"Wonderful, absolutely fabulous," Spruce said.

"I think... I think I've gotten too jaded for my own good," Lindsay said, "15 year old me would've jumped at this opportunity, just because it was a thing to do, but I guess years of dealing with Clem have started to rub off on me. But I don't know, Gwen, I guess I'm doing this for your sake, and hey maybe nothing will go mortifyingly wrong after all."

"Uh... Linds," Gwen said, "I know you meant Chris McLean but you said Clem."

Lindsay shrugged, "So at least one thing has already gone mortifyingly wrong. But, against my better judgment I still have hope. Though admittedly my better judgment still isn't all that good."

"Excellent, its so nice when I get to bring people together like this," Spruce said, "It gives me a nice little tingling feeling on the inside that's difficult to describe- though I guess I just did."

Gwen quizzically looked at her new party member. "You're not all that bright, are you?" she said.

"By the way," Spruce started, completely bypassing Gwen's comment, "I don't mean this as a come-on, but I've always been fascinated large variance of sizes and shapes in human breasts."

Gwen widened her glare a fair bit, while Lindsay turned redder then the Arizona Cardinals and tried to hide as much as possible.

"What exactly is that supposed to mean?" Gwen asked.

"Well, you're both roughly the same height and with mostly similar builds, but Lindsay your breasts are much larger then Gwen's, and also less round," Spruce said, "Though I should also point out that I think both large breasts and small breasts are very cute in their own rights and I'm in no way saying one is better then the other."

And at that moment Lindsay and Gwen just shared a look with each other. Lindsay didn't say anything, she really didn't need to, her face very clearly said well, you vouched for this. And Gwen's look, conversely, could only counter with look... I know.

After sharing the glance, Gwen finally turned her gaze back towards the Earth pony, slouched in her chair and sighed once again, thinking this day is never going to end, isn't it? And she probably wasn't wrong.

Author's Note

Yeah, to be honest I don't know if anyone still cares about this story. But I want to keep writing it, and if people turn out then hey fantastic.