Tucker's Pony Fantasy

by BronyHawk30

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Sex, Human
Length: 3166

Tucker of the Blue team has a strange dream one night...

Tucker of the Blue team has a problem: Church made a bet with him that if he bangs a chick, he gets the sniper rifle for a week. If he can't, then Tex beats him up, and we all know how that would turn out. Little does
he know that opportunity will present itself in unusual way, in an unusual place.
Nothing explicit in this story. Rated teen for language mainly... and bow chicka bow wows.
I do not own either Red vs Blue or MLP:FIM
MLP:FIM is owned by Hasbro and Red vs Blue is owned by Roosterteeth

Published 2015-01-14 04:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-14 04:50:02 UTC

Waking up (WTF!?!)

Tucker opened his eyes after what only felt like a second. "Ugh, fuck, that didn't last as long as I hoped it would". His eyes were still blurry as he yawned and tried to get the sleepiness out of his eyes. "Ugh,l guess there's no use in drawing this out longer... than it... needs.. t- where the fuck am I?" Tucker said as he saw that he wasn't in Blood Gulch anymore. "How the fuck did I get here!? I don't sleep walk. Did Caboose finally kill me? Fuck! At least I wasn't awake... for... iiiit- AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGH!!! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY HANDS!?!?!?" Tucker screamed that out like a banshee when he saw that his hands were transformed into hooves. "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?!" He tried standing up on his legs, then fell face first into a puddle of water. He sat up and groaned. "Ok, what... the... fuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!?!!?!!! AM I A FUCKING HORSE!?!" Sure enough, as Tucker looked at his reflection in the puddle, he saw that he had somehow turned into something like a horse, with a horn sticking out of his head. "Ok, ok. Just calm down a minute, Tucker. This is just a dream, cuz there's no way in fuck that I was magically turned into a talking horse."

"Um, you're not a horse you're a pony", said a confused and curious voice. Tucker turned to the source of the voice and saw a lavender mare with a purple mane that had a bit of pink in the middle and a horn sticking standing out of here head. Tucker just stared at her for a few seconds, then said, "Did you just talk?" The lavender mare stared back, confused, and replied, "Uh, yeah, so did you. Did you hit your head or something?" Tucker stared for a few seconds, then said, " It's official. This is the weirdest fucking dream I've ever had".

"You're not dreaming, mister. This is all real."

"No fucking way is this real. I've never seen a talking purple pony with a horn before in my life, and I think I would remember growing up with hooves and a horn in my head".

"Trust me, you're not dreaming."

"Yeah, right. Next thing you're gonna tell me is that magic is real".

"Magic is real."

"No way".

"Yeah. I can use magic and so can you".

"The hell are you talking about? I can't use magic".

"Yes you can. That's because you're a unicorn. You use your horn to use magic".

Tucker sighed and said, "Listen, I'm going to let you know right now, I'm not pony, ok? I'm a human, and I'm just having a really weird drea- WHOA!" He was suddenly wrapped in a purple aura, and his saw his entire life play out in a span of 5 seconds, before passing out. He came to a few seconds later, and saw the purple mare rubbing her head. "What the hell just happened to me?"
The mare replied, "I wanted to see what you were rambling on about, so I used a spell to see all of your memories".
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. When you say you saw my memories, do you mean all of my memories?" Tucker said nervously.
The mare looked at him sternly, and said, "Yes, all of your memories. You should be ashamed of yourself for doing and thinking such naughty things. But I do feel sorry for you, the way you were living. It seemed terrible".

"Trust me lady, you kinda get used to it after a while".

"I don't see how. Did you really give birth to an alien baby?"
"Yeah."
"That's weird. Oh, how could I be so rude. I learned your name from your memories, but I didn't tell you mine. My name is Twilight Sparkle. Welcome to Equestria. Oh, and don't worry, I also found out how you got here, and from what I can tell, you'll be returning to Blood Gulch in about 24 hours".
Tucker just stared and said, "Shit! Even in another world I'm still going to be fucked. Bow chicka bow wow", he said that last part under his breath.
Twilight looked at him and asked, "What are you talking about?"
"You saw my memories. You should know".
"Oh, are you talking about that little bet?"
Tucker sighed. "Yeah, that bet that's gonna leave me broken and bruised".

Twilight looked away for a second, then grimaced, and said, "Well... I don't like thinking about that sort of thing, but I think I know a way to help you out".
"What!? How? Wait, are you talking about a arranging an appointment with the love doctor? Bow chicka bow wow!"
Twilight chuckled half-heartedly and replied, "Not me, but I can tell you two are going to get along just fine".
Tucker asked, "Who?"

"The princess."

Author's Note

Yes, this story will include Princess Molestia. Starting next chapter. Remember, nothing explicit, other than cussing, will be featured.

Wierdest Day Ever...

"Ok, so let me get this straight. You mean to tell me that I'm in a world where the main inhabitants are ponies, that can use magic or fly or neither, where the flying ponies control the weather, and magic ones can cast spells, and the regular ones are usually good at farming and other tough jobs, and there's also dragons, and you clean up winter, and your rulers are a pair of princesses with both horns and wings, one of which is a heavy gamer, and the others favorite hobby is molesting and other sexual activities?"

"In a nutshell, yes."

".....It's official: this is the weirdest day ever."

Tucker was still finding it hard to believe that everything he was seeing and hearing was real, even though Twilight had already dumped a bucket of very real and very cold water on his head an hour before their current conversation, half of that hour having been spent listening to Twilight ramble excitedly about the implications of how Tucker got there and if it was possible to do it again, and a lot of other things about how many scientific breakthroughs it would lead to... all while Tucker did his best to ignore her until she started talking about Equestria, which led her to talking about Celesia.

"So, your teacher, Celestia... you really think that she'd help me out with my bet?" Tucker said as they approached the gates to the castle in Canterlot.

"If there's one thing that I have learned about the princess, it's that she never passes up an opportunity for sexual activity", Twilight said with a bemused grin.

"So that's a yes?"

"Yes, that's a yes".

Not a moment after finishing her sentence, Twilight and Tucker heard a loud voice screaming two words that came from the upper part of the castle. Two words that sounded like sparkling gold to Tucker's perverted ears:

"I CAME".

Tucker froze in place, eyes wide open at the sound of such a sexy, naughty, angelic voice that pierced his soul with both awe and excitement. He only had one thing to say in response:

"BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!!!"

Author's Note

Next chapter:
Meeting Big Sexy

Bow Chicka Bow Wow

Molestia led Tucker down the hall, Twilight having gone to the library to 'study', and turned around a corner to reveal a large set of marble doors with a likeness of the princess's cutie mark. Tucker gaped as he looked at the large doors.

"Holy shit, lady"
"I take it you are impressed?"
"Is that big ass door made of gold??"
"Well I am a princess", she said with a smirk. "I happen to be able to afford such things".
"No shit", Tucker said with a sarcastic laugh. "Doesn't matter. I'm only interested in one view".
"And what view would that be?", asked Molestia as she opened the doors with her magic.
Tucker pointed at her and said, "That ass", then pointed at her big bed, "on that bed".
Molestia grinned and strutted over to the bed, swaying her hips as she trotted over. "Well what are you waiting for?"
The doors shut with the last image seen being Tucker racing to the bed to join her, as a jazzy hip hop tune started up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPaGlnNaL80
"Everybody here knows about Tucker
They say I'm a bad motha-(Shut your mouth!)
I can spit all day, think about chicks
Think about Tootsie Roll pops--how many licks?
Every time that a girl walks by
I can't help it she just catches my eye
First I see her face, then I see her waist
Then I see myself back at her place (What!)
I'm so alone out in this canyon
Not one single girl in this canyon
Or anything rhyming with canyon
So come and see me if you need a new man-yon
Everybody thinks I'm so handsome
If you in trouble girl I can pay the ransom
If you a song chick this is your anthem

When I see the ladies I say
(Bow chicka bow wow!)
When the ladies see me they say
(Bow chicka bow wow!)
Cause they know I treat them right
(Bow chicka bow wow!)
When I think about you I say!
(Bow chicka bow wow wow!)
Cause I know you're outta sight!

On Blue Team we do things a little bit screwy
Your girlfriend is my girlfriend, just like in the movies
Not one you rent on Friday
But one you rent by the highway
At the truck stop, or the bus stop
With the sexy stuff, with the exits up
They time is up, and my minds made up
Get in here quick so I can wind you up
I'll turn out the lights and take it slow
Pull out my sword and make it glow!
You know I could use a good lady
Take care of my alien baby
So come on girl, take a man to get lost
Cause you know I wanna see you with your helmet off

When I see the ladies I say
(Bow chicka bow wow!)
When the ladies see me they say
(Bow chicka bow wow!)
Cause they know I treat them right
(Bow chicka bow wow!)
When I think about you I say!
(Bow chicka bow wow wow!)
Cause I know you're outta sight!

[Bridge]
Bow wow, chicka bow wow
Chicka chicka chicka chicka bow wow wow
Chick chick bow wooooow
Chick chick chick chick woooooow
Bow chicka bow wow
Bow chicka wow, bow chicka wooooow
Here comes Tucker

Then the voice of a black stallion sounded out
"Guess whose back in the house again?
Tuck called me up, said he needed a friend
To play his wing and do my thing
Jump on this track make the ladies sing (Bow!)
All for Tuck, that boys the truth
And the king, you know it, in the booth
Doctor Ruth ain't touching Tuck
Cause the ladies know he's Doctor Fuck!"

"(Bow chicka bow wow!)
Ow! When I see the ladies I say!
(Bow chicka bow wow!)
Ooh! When the ladies see me they say
(Bow chicka bow wow!)
Giiiiirrrrrlll, When I think about you I say!
(Bow chicka bow wow wow!)
Cause I know you're outta sight!
"
That was all the guards heard until the both heard 2 voices that were heard throughout the castle:
"I CAME!!!"
"BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!!!

There was a long pause as the guards stood uncomfortably, which was broken when the maroon one muttered, "Do we get payed enough for this?", to which the other, orange one replied, "Not really".

Winning the Bet

"That was awesome, babe. We gotta do this again sometime," Tucker said as the princess and himself trotted down the hall. Celestia simply looked at him and nodded before saying slyly, "I completely agree. And that photo should guarantee that you win the bet".
"I hope so, otherwise there's gonna be a new blue green, cyan, turquoise--whatever the fuck color this is--colored stain on the canyon wall near Blue Base". The stopped as they reached a balcony, before Tucker asked, "So, now that we've done it, how the hell am I gonna get back and win the bet?" Celestia just smiled mischievously before saying, "A simple teleport spell should do", then her horn glowed briefly and Tucker disappeared in a golden flash.

Tucker appeared just outside of Blue Base, dazed and confused. "What the--?!" He took a moment to look around and gather his bearings, before hearing Church on top of the base saying, "I'm telling you, Tex, I just saw a bright flash of yellow come from the ground">. Tucker went up the ramp and said, "I'm back, assholes, and here for the damn sniper rifle". Church and Tex just stared at him for a second before laughing loudly. "Jeez Tucker, there's no way in hell you found somebody to do that with, unless you did it with one of the Reds".

Tucker smirked under his helmet before pulling out a picture. "Joke's on you, dick. I have proof", he said as he handed it to them and told them what happened. Church and Tex looked at it for a minute before looking at Tucker for another minute. "i knew you were a pig, but this is just fucking sick", Tex said as she tossed it over her shoulder, followed by Church saying, "Besides, you expect us to believe you went to a world of talking ponies and magic and banged a princess as a pony? And you expect us to take that photo as proof? That's obviously Photoshopped, ponies are not that colorful in the real world, dumbass, Tex go ahead and punch him".

Tex cracked her knuckles as she replied, "Gladly", and drew her fist back getting ready to punch Tucker. Tucker watched and said, "Fuck", just as he saw a bright flash of light from behind him and Tex froze still, as well as Church. Tucker turned around and there was Celestia, her mane blowing in a non existent wind. She smiled and said, "There you are, stud. You forgot your sword back in my bedroom". She floated it over to him using her magic, then said, "I enjoyed having you in my bed. I look forward to another love session sometime, stud", then disappeared in a flash.
Tucker turned around and looked at Tex, then looked at Church and said smugly, "So Church, about that sniper rifle..."

Prologue

"TUCKER, SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU SAYING THAT NONSTOP!" Church yelled at Tucker loudly. " It's hard enough without you yelling in everyone's ears!"
"Bow chicka bow wow!"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU ANNOYING ASSHOLE!!!" Church had enough trouble as it was without Tucker interrupting constantly with his famous catch phrase, and he was getting tired of it. " Dude, you just can't accept that my my catchphrase matches my skill", Tucker said as he smiled in his helmet at Church's irritation. " Skill? Skill!? Dude, Tucker, I have never once heard of you using your skill on anything but an alien".
"That doesn't count, I wasn't awake then!"
"Still, you are a fucking loser, man."

"I am not a loser!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, really, you asshole!"

"Ok then, prove it."

"How am I gonna prove it? There's no chicks in this damn canyon!"

"You do realize I'm a girl, right Tucker?" Tex said.

"Tex, I meant a girl that will actually let me get close enough to make a move."

"Good point."

"So, Tucker", Church says with a smirk," I'll make you a bet. If you can find and have sex with a girl within 24 hours, I'll let you use the sniper rifle for a week. If you can't, tough shit, I'll let Tex punch you as hard as she wants."

"What the fuck?! How am I going to find a girl to fuck within the next 24 hours?"

"That's your problem, not ours. I am going to enjoy tomorrow" Church said as him and Tex walked off back to Blue Base.
Tucker watched them leave, then walked into the cave in the canyon and sat down, thinking about how fucked up tomorrow was going to be. There's no way I'll be able to find a chick to bang before tomorrow. Well, if I'm going to get killed tomorrow, might as well have a good nights sleep before then. Tucker did his best to relax, and fell asleep a few minutes later, dreading the next morning.

Little did he know, however, that, somewhere on another world, somepony overheard Tucker's predicament. She smiled to herself, thinking about how she could be the one to help him win his bet.
This is going to be fun. Soon Tucker is going to be meeting Big Sexy, the princess of Equestria thought to her self naughtily.

Author's Note

He dreads it now, but he'll be loving by the end of tomorrow.

Meeting Big Sexy

Tucker was excited. If that was who he was hoping it was, then this was going to be even more fun than he thought it would be
"It would appear that she's already doing her daily rounds", Twilight said with a sigh. "Daily rounds? You mean she does this stuff around the clock?! And was that really your princess?!"

"To answer both of your questions, yes. Although she doesn't always stick to her schedule. There's no telling when she decides to, you know, do her thing".

"Bowchickabowwow".

"Do you always say that when there's even a slight possibility of a sexual innuendo in a sentence?" Twilight asked with a deadpan expression. "Yeah", Tucker replied with a grin.
"Ooh, you and me are going to get along just fine", said a sultry voice from behind Tucker. Tucker froze, then slowly turned around, excitement filling him up even more.
He saw a mare much bigger than himself, with a pale white coat of fur, a sparkly, flowing mane that moved as though there were a breeze (the only air blowing was Tucker's breath), a tail the same color as her mane that moved the same way, and the best part (to Tucker) was her big, sexy ass, which had a cutie mark of the sun on the flanks. These were the things Tucker had in his mind as he made his introduction to the princess of the sun:

"That is the sexiest ass I have ever seen".
She looked at him with lust in her eyes and said,"I had a feeling you'd like it here. That's why I decided to bring you here."
"Wait wait wait...you are the reason I'm a colorful horse?!" Tucker exclaimed.

"Yes. I heard about your little wager through the cosmic grapevine, and figured I'd help you, since you seem so eager to help a big sexy lady such as myself", replied the princess in a husky voice.
Tucker only had one response to that:"When do we get started?"