Discord's New Toy

Well. This is nice I suppose. But literally being the incarnation of chaos can make everything quite boring. Even though I love my new life (complete with friends!) I still have the need to create chaos. Asking me not to make a little bang every now and then is like asking Pinkie Pie to stop throwing parties. It. Won't. Happen.

But seriously. Sleeping in, hanging out with Fluttershy, doing chores, and buying chicken feed is way too stable of a life for me. The look on the face of the feed store owner was novel at first, but quickly became boring, as with all things lacking a certain amount of disorder. *sigh*

But then I got to thinking about the mysteries of the universe. For me, this is unprecedented. At least, it was a thousand years ago. Being a statue makes you think. Anyway, as I scattered the feed in the small yard in front of the coop, I thought about what it would be like if left this plane of existence. "Hey!" I thought, "I haven't done that since I gained awareness! That was at least quarter of a million years ago! Hmm, where should I-

"Discord?" A gentle voice behind me asked, somewhat concerned, "Why are you just standing there?"

"Oh! Hello my dear. Being a statue for over a thousand years can make one rather, ah meditative."

"Well don't let me distract you," Fluttershy said sweetly. Then she eyed the half full bag of feed in my talon and said, "Maybe you should save your meditation session until after you've fed the chickens. Unless... you don't want to that is... I can finish up here if you want." She flashed me a smile that practically forced me to smile back.

Of course I refused her, what with that smile and those big blue eyes. Hmm. Maybe she's a little more devious than her friends would initially suppose.

I then set to work, smiling somewhat mischievously, keeping in mind the beginning of a perfect plan to blow a distant afternoon.

But not this afternoon. The rest of the day passed without incident, unfortunately. I needed to go into town to buy carrots and other various vegetables and tubers for that infernal rodent, Angel. BORING! I then needed to stop by Twilight's and pick up a copy of The Psychology of Rabbits and Other Small Rodents, as if that would actually help with anything. BORING! Then I had to do some MORE chores at the Apple farm due to a certain frozen lake mishap. Again, BORING! Hanging out with ponies who actually enjoy my company and occasional tricks is nice and everything, but it gets slightly grating after a while.

As I walked down the rows of apple trees, snapping as I went, I thought of a delightful little analogy Pinkie Pie told me. As long as you get the batter right, you can add anything your heart desires to your cake. I just apply it to life, and boom! Chaos that ends with pure velvety bliss. Sometimes. If done wrong, you end up with pure, stony imprisonment. I stopped and watched the apples fall out of a tree I snapped at land in buckets that materialized just before they hit the ground. Chaos is like a spice. If you add too much to your 'cake', everything is ruined. It tastes like crap and no one likes you. Pinkie is wiser than she seems at first glance, although her cake analogy was somewhat crude. Either way it got the point across. Don't go overboard, people will like me. Seems respectable.

But I didn't do anything particularly chaotic. Not on purpose at least. I decided to save my considerable amount of power for a trek into the semi-unknown. The prefix is due to my lack of attention the first time I went Outside. It was mainly just me marveling at how awesome I was and wondering how the hell I was supposed to get back. Interesting, nonetheless. And very chaotic, I recalled with a devious grin.

Uh- oh. I probably should have been paying attention to what I was doing. I looked up at the apples I was supposed to be picking and saw bunches of bananas instead. What can I say? I'm the spirit of chaos. With a snap of my lion paw, I changed them back into Red Delicious apples and resumed picking as if nothing had happened. I decided to leave at least one banana and put it near the bottom of the basket just as Applejack moved past me on to her way to the next tree. She flashed me a grin that I returned, only slightly satisfied with my little joke.

Now, I rarely get angry. I used to get miffed at trivial things, like getting turned into a statue or someone deciding to reverse my perfect chaos. Nowadays, I really only reserve my hate, my anger, and general antipathy for a certain white rodent, with big floppy ears, a pink nose, and a fluffy little cotton tail. The absolute picture of evil.

I walked into the cottage and unpacked the groceries. Looking at the sun sink low in the sky, casting an orange glow on everything made me decide that it was feeding time. It would be much easier without-

"Angel!" I shouted as the offending devil-spawn knocked the bowls I was planning on filling with kibble out of my mismatched paw and claw. He looked at me expectantly, as if he were the one that needed feeding first. I returned his angry stare with relish. Extra relish. No literally, a heaping pile sweet pickle relish was hovering just above his upright ears. I morphed my face from smoldering fury to an almost maniacal glee as I snapped my fingers, causing the little shit to start slightly. He looked at me smugly for a split second before being buried up to his ears in relish.

I turned the bowls upright and snapped my talon, summoning green kibble from the freshly stocked pantry to fill the bowls, all while chortling at the stunted rodent digging his way out of relish. Still laughing, I rang the dinner bell much to the delight of some of the more tolerable creatures. I smiled at them as they came in, and they smiled back as they ran, flew, and in the tortoises' case, struggled to the kibble. I then felt a tiny kick between my mismatched wings as a small but furious rabbit attempted to destroy me.

Instead of turning him into skittles for the affront, which the old me would have done, I just pointed to a a corner of the room, in which a small table with a checkered table cloth popped into existence. Along with a salad resting on a silver platter, several small bottles of dressings flew in from their various places in the kitchen and landed on the table. Complete with a lit candle. Angel glared at me suspiciously before a grudging smile appeared on his face.

Then Fluttershy came down the stairs and stared at Angel for a moment. Luckily, that gave me  enough time to whisk the relish pile on the floor out of existence. She immediately ordered him to take a bath, seeing as how he was still covered in the stuff. I wholeheartedly agreed, and teleported to the bathroom to start a tap. I watched with a smug grin as he reluctantly came into the bathroom, only doing so at the threat of no dinner. He flashed me a look that said, "I will kill your entire family." That would have been scary, if I had a family. Or cared about them for that matter.

As I was walking down the stairs, Fluttershy asked, "Did you have anything to do with the relish?"

"Of course not." I said with a mischievous smile.

At that, we both burst into laughter. Well, I did. Fluttershy more quietly chuckled while hiding behind her mane. "Well, I thought, "Maybe I *do have a family."*