Best Pony Arena

by CeresBane

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 2677

Bronies have argued about who is best pony since time immemorial. Now two bronies settle things once and for all.

Bronies have argued about who is best pony since time immemorial. Now two bronies settle things once and for all.

And they are willing to do it the only way they know how. With ponies.

Was basically mentally play testing a brony card game I designed (brony card game, not pony card game) and it ended up seeming like another episode from Yugi-oh.

Shameless self plug? A parody? Let's find out what we end up with.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-07 00:31:15 UTC

Declare your ponies

Things were looking bad for me. The Rarifag before me had decided to cheat by using a mane 6 deck. All he needed was Twilight Sparkle and he would win completely. With her, he could summon forth the elements of harmony and obliterate the shields that protected my precious best pony. Though seeing how grim the circumstances were, such a thing would be over kill at this point. With only one shield left, it would merely be a simple order to attack to end everything. Luckily for me I had 5 good friends protecting my beloved best pony.

"A lady." The Rarifag purred from his mouth. His best pony was hiding behind a full 5 array of shield cards. I watched as the Rarifag tapped her, his best pony, and used her active ability. He tapped 5 magic points in his magic pool and in turn I was forced to tap all 5 of my friend characters that were meant to act as my lady's shield. Rarity had demeaned them with her whining and complaining. Now they were a defenceless mess.

He could beat me now. He had five characters to use and attack my last shield and then my best pony behind it. I looked at the empty space that took up his fifth slot of his friendzone. There were five ponies present but in this instance, the fifth pony shared a space with a certain cow pony. By the cruel machinations of the Rarifag, my beloved Applejack had become shipped with Twist.

He could so easily win but he wanted me to make me suffer. He wanted to punish me for my heresy, that I could say with such certainty that Rarity was not the best pony. And as it was, I was powerless to stop him.

Or maybe...

Desperately I tapped two magic points in my magic pool and summoned Lyra Plush. Seduced by the obscene plush, Twist lost interest in Applejack and separated from her. The fifth slot was filled, meaning Twilight Sparkle could not be summoned.

No. That wouldn't work. Applejack's passive ability, element of honesty meant that I could use no magic cards against the Rarifag. I gritted my teeth bitterly, to be betrayed by a carbon copy of my best pony. And by the small snicker the Rarifag was giving me, he seemed to have noticed that I noticed his depraved and sadistic ploy.

With amusement of that cruel joke passing from the Rarifag's mind he declared his attack. Rainbow dash was sent out first, and because all of my characters were tapped, she had a choice of who she wanted gone. Without hesitation, she went for the strongest.

Normally Big mac would be strong enough to defeat Rainbowdash in a fair fight, but because of Pinkie Pie's Element of laughter, Rainbow dash had a full 200 in harmony level over Big mac. Bitterly I conceded in bringing him to the graveyard.

In hindsight I had completely forgotten that Big mac had the ability to equal any foe so long as I had the magic to spare. His Fancy mathematics would have saved him and I had the two magic points to save him. For days I cursed myself for this error.

There was no time for last rites. The onslaught had continued.

Pinkie Pie obliterated Applebloom, her ability to be adorable doing little and not enough to save her from defeat. Fluttershy came next and slaughtered poor Winona. As a final insult, Applejack and Twist came for Granny Smith. Applejack's first strike made it a quick fight, leaving Twist to do nothing.

I looked at the Rarifag and he smirked a conceited smirk. With the shipped pair he could have trained Twist to attack the shield and beaten my Applejack with his element of laughter-powered Applejack, winning a major victory for all Rarifags in the most poeticly ironic way. Instead he was content to make me suffer more. Poor Applejack had to watch as his family was slaughtered by her best friends and she herself defeating her own beloved grandmother.

I took a deep breath and let the anger flow. I didn't know how but I had to find a way to change this around.

With all the Rarifag's attacks declared and all encounters resolved, it was my turn.

I had 9 magic points. My only surviving defender was Gummy, I had one shield and by some sadist's miracle Applejack was still alive.

I draw my card and made my hand of 10 cards into 11. I selected one card and showed it to the Rarifag.

Princess Celestia.

Her ability as the sun goddess means that no one on my side will suffer from summoning sickness, meaning I could use them right away. Plus her active ability called Sunrise taps all characters in the field, rendering everyone utterly useless, including everyone on the Rarifag's side. If I summoned her I would have the time to build up my defence again and mount a counter offensive.

The Rarifag was afraid. I had enough to summon her and I had enough to use Sunrise.

I watched terror rise in his face as I took one of the most powerful cards in the game and added her into the magic pool like any common card.

With this sacrifice, I would make a miracle happen.

The power of best pony

With Celestia's sacrifice I now had 10 magic points. And 11 cards I could use it on. I picked out the card I drew.

Tapping 3 magic points I summoned the Rarifag's worst nightmare.

"A lady." I tapped 3 more magic points and rendered the 3 friend ponies on the field helpless. Namely Applejack and Twist who now counted as one pony, Fluttershy to avoid her dreaded stare ability and Rainbow dash's element of loyalty that gave her the ability to defend without tapping, meaning she could attack at the same time. Pinkie pie was essentially a support pony who's element of laughter boosted all her friend, and her Rulebreaker ability had no effect on me because I had no fanon nor effects active.

I used Gummy's ability, fathoming the cosmos and tapped him as if he were a magic point. Pinkie Pie joined her friends for good measure. The Rarifag didn't so much as blink at that action. He clearly had no love for the Pinkie Pie.

Tapping 2 more magic points I summoned the last Apple to accompany Applejack. Bab seed was a Bad seed. She held an aura of intimidation that renders all passive abilities useless. Including my own. This meant that Applejack's element of honesty would not block my magic cards, Pinkie pie's element of laughter couldn't power up her friends and Rarity wouldn't help the Rarifag by letting him draw two cards with her element of generosity.

"I..." I held the Lyra plush card in my hand. That Twist and Applejack shipping disgusted me, I never for a moment forgot it's existence. I just needed to use my remaining magic points and summon the Lyra plush to separate those two ponies.

"Nevermind... your turn."

Seeing as my two characters were freshly summoned they could not attack due to their summoning sickness. I end my turn. I watch as my opponent realises that he can do little with all of his friend cards tapped. He didn't seem all that worried however, because he had no reason to worry.

I had been quite sure, he had been saving up on his magic cards. Because Applejack blocked all magic cards with her element of honesty, he had no chance to use any for the whole game. Now that he was free from Applejack's ability, it would be a simple matter of summoning a magic card that would either tap my Rarity, disable her active ability or outright defeat her. He had a full untapped magic pool to do it too.

Next turn I was going to be beaten. I only delayed the inevitable.

The Rarifag drew his card and I saw a hysterical joy in his eyes as a pleasant surprised welcomed him. He looked at me and began to move his wrist to show me what he drew.

I already knew. It was the miracle I was waiting for. The card he drew was Twilight Sparkle.

Before he could tap his magic points, I tapped my last two.

I slammed a card from my hand and shouted, "Table flip!" It was a card that had Lyra heartstrings looking completely annoyed and resolute in defeat as she flipped a table with a desktop monitor complete with keyboard and mouse that all fell over. Table flip had the effect of switching my existing hand with his.

I laughed so hard as he begrudgingly gave me his hand. He screamed in utter rage as he found my hand.

It was filled with Parasprites and a single Lyra plush. Completely useless to him, as Parasprites only served to take up space and quickly fill up a friendzone to mount a quick defence. It was a viable option but given that he had a shipped pair of characters, the defence of the Parasprites would just result in merely delaying my defeat. Plus with Rarity's A lady ability, she could easily clear a path to my best pony. I would be losing before the turn I could even summon that parasprite defence defense.

Besides, there was no way I could have won with the cards I had. I might have had a decent defence but I had no offence to speak of.

The Rarifag glared at me, he might have lost out on a major chance to win but he still had a major advantage. Twilight Sparkle's element of magic ability only resulted in destroying all the shields of your opponent. I would still have 5 characters to fight through and Twilight couldn't do that, she was a unicorn who were typically bad at combat. It was why Rarity was made best pony by the Rarifag, so she could safely spam her A lady ability without getting attacked.

Doing what little he could, he tapped two magic points and used A Lady on my Rarity and Bab seed. Gummy wasn't even worth his time, and to be frank he was worth mine either. Awkwardly mimicking some eloquence, he waved his hand to me to gesture that it is my turn. I sneered.

On my turn, Babs and Rarity were completely useless. However... if I used Twilight's quick study ability I could have Twilight destroy the Rarifag's shields and mimic Rarity's "A lady" ability. With the shields gone, Rarity would be exposed to attack, meaning I could tap her with her own ability. It didn't really mean anything seeing as Babs and Rarity were too weak in Harmony level to stand a chance again the hard hitters of the mane 6. And Rarity against Rarity would only result in a draw, pointlessly rendering my Rarity useless and Babs defeated by the purple haired marshmallow.

The only card I had that would be useful was Twilight and only Twilight.

And then I looked at my hand.

"I knew you were a season 3 finale fantard. I'm disgusted with you." The Rarifag had Twilicorn as part of his mane 6 set. Taking a second card from my hand I knew I didn't need anything else now. I placed the useless fool's hand in my graveyard.

I tapped 5 magic points to summon Twilicorn into the field. She had summoning sickness so I couldn't use her ability to attack with the element of friendship. Her magical mastery didn't help any to add insult to injury. It was an ability that gave Twilight the ability to intercept magic cards and negate them, and not only negate them but steal the cards into my hand. Plus her mastery worked to let only I could use active abilities for the whole time she was on the field.

As powerful an ability it was, it wasn't what I needed. What I needed was an ability that could stop 5 characters attacking my best pony. With 4 characters and a shield I could probably stop a few attacks. That is, if Rarity didn't use "A lady" to paralyse everyone. But the Rarifag would definitely use it and win. If I was going to stand a chance I needed to turn the tables on this turn.

To my fortune, Rarifag had been saving up on Fanon cards. Rainbow dash's Sonic Rainboom ability destroys all fanon cards and effects on the field. So it was only natural that he would save all his fanon cards. That way when I used any myself, Rainbow dash would destroy them with her ability and he would still have his ready when he needed it. But he was over prepared. I tapped another 5 magic points.

"I summon the Alicorn amulet and establish the fanon that Twilicorn has it." With the power of the alicorn amulet the bearer can learn and use any active ability on the field at no cost. A fanon version of Twilight's quick study ability.

I tap Twilicorn and used A lady to make all the Rarifag's characters useless for yet another turn.

The Rarifag's turn was uneventful. By his inactivity and the lack of smugness on him, it was clear he didn't draw a good card. Plus with nothing by a Lyra plush and Parasprites for a remaining hand he could do nothing to undo Twilicorn's ability to complain and whine enemies into submission.

When my turn came I drew my card from my deck and summoned it right away.

"Sad day for you." I had summoned an effect card. Cards with the ability to add rules into the game by changing the environment of the game. The effect card I summoned was called "Sad fic", it made a world's fate an abysmal thing as no character in it's plot had lowered ability to stop themselves becoming a victim to tragedy. As such any character that defended, for as long as the game was a sad fic, lost 400 to their harmony level.

I had Bab seed and Rarity jump at that. Rarity came first, with her defenders tapped, my Rarity could attack his Rarity's shield. She tried but that Candy flank ability twist Twist had... I had to attack her, until she fought that turn, no attacker could attack any other target. Twist and Applejack's combined power negated the effects of the sad fic and managed to defeat Rarity.

I smiled at the event before me. Applejack had defeated Rarity. That was all the proof I needed that she was the best pony. Most certainly better than Rarity. The Rarifag tried to seem impassive by it, but he knew I had won a small sort of victory that day.

Babs came next. Rainbow Dash defeated her with ease. With Bab seed gone so was her bad seed ability that rendered all passive abilities useless. Once again, the Rarifag can draw 2 cards next turn, Next turn Rainbow dash can both defend and attack, Pinkie Pie now boosted everypony on her side with a full 400 on their harmony level and Fluttershy's kindness could double all her friend's active abilities.

That is, if there was a next turn. My next move would decide it all. The loss of my only defense was just a gesture to show what the stakes were for me. Even if I kept my defenses up, I would lose the next turn. Everything was on Twilicorn.

Twilicorn used her element of friendship, with the other elements on the field she was capable of the impossible. No shield, no characters and no abilities could stop Twilicorn from attacking the enemy's best pony. With the sad fic in effect, Rarity's defeat was certain but now that Pinkie's ability was back on, her defeat was barely achieved.

With the power of Mary Sue, I defeated the Rarifag's idol and proved that Applejack is no background pony.

She was best pony.