Author's Note
What is this I don't even.
And I'm the guy who wrote it!
We join our heroes at the palace of the royal pony sisters...
Twilight stared in horror as Nightmare Moon brought her hooves down with tremendous force. The five rocks – the five elements of harmony – shattered into pieces and scattered across the floor.
Nightmare Moon laughed – and suddenly, from nowhere, music began.
“I can’t be stopped!” The Mare in the Moon sang.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!” Twilight cursed, and realized she was not alone in shouting defiance. Looking behind her, she saw her five new friends, standing in the doorway and staring at Nightmare Moon in full horror.
Nightmare Moon laughed. The music picked up in intensity.
“Yes you are fucked!
“Shit out of luck!
“These rocks are useless, now my cock you can suck!
“Equestria’s mine!
“And you’re first in line!
“You’ve failed in your quest and now you all will DIE!”
“Wait…!” Twilight sang out, as the music hit a slower tempo, and her five friends ran up to join her. She didn’t have time to wonder about whether or not Nightmare Moon had a cock before the words of the moment overcame her.
“Wait…wait, you motherfucker!
“We challenge you to a rock-off!
“Give us one chance to rock your crown off…”
Twilight wasn’t even certain what a rock-off was, or where these words were coming from. She only knew that a look of rage beyond measure crossed Nightmare Moon’s face.
“FUCK!
“FUCK!
“FUCK…my honor code prevents me
“From declining your rock-off challenge
“What are your terms?
“What’s the ca-a-atch…?”
Twilight considered.
“If we win…you must release Celestia from the sun.
“And also not show up 'til season two…”
Nightmare Moon looked livid. She leaned down, glaring at Twilight. “And what if I win?”
The lavender unicorn swallowed. “Then you can make night eternal…”
“Wait, what?” Rainbow Dash asked, flying up next to Twilight. “Have you lost your mind?”
“Trust her, Rainbow,” Applejack said solemnly. “Ah reckon it’s the only way.”
“What the fuck are you talking about…” The cyan pegasus began to object, but Twilight was already singing again.
“And we’ll do whatever you say.”
Nightmare Moon had a hoof to her chin as she considered. As Twilight finished singing, she gave a full, sharp-toothed grin. The music began picking up again – electric guitars and drums that sounded like they came straight from Hell, as the moon suddenly appeared behind Nightmare Moon – and caught on fire, blazing like an evil sun.
“FINE!” She exclaimed. “Let the rock-off begin! Mwuahahahahahaha…!”
The stars themselves began pulsing to the cadence of the music, as Nightmare Moon disappeared from sight – only to reappear behind an impressive collection of kick-drums, which she was wailing on with all four hooves.
“I’m Nightmare Moon
“I am your doom!”
The Mare in the Moon pounded the poor drum kit for a moment more, before disappearing in a lighting flash and reappearing with a guitar, which she used magic to pluck and unleashed an unholy riff with.
“Check this riff
It’s fucking tasty!”
The alicorn laughed, disappearing one more time before coming into view a final time. She had grown to nearly twice her normal size, and was standing at a gigantic microphone, with one hoof cuffed around a megaphone, blowing her already impressively loud voice to purely epic levels.
“I’m your queen I can do what I want!
“Whatever I’ve got, I’m gonna flaunt!
“There’s never been a rock-off that I’ve ever lost!”
The mare swung her mane around, and suddenly the six were no longer in the ruined castle, but instead standing, looking down over a frozen landscape – Equestria, they suddenly realized. They saw ponies running in fear and terror as a Nightmare Moon, ten times larger than the one that was currently rocking their minds, gave them chase.
“I can’t wait to start the endless night!
“Colts and fillies all fleeing in fright!
“It’s gonna be such a fucking awesome sight!”
The six stared in horror at Nightmare Moon’s plans. Finally, Twilight could take no more. “Noooooo!” She cried.
Instantly, the moon’s flames died, the stars stopped pulsing to Nightmare Moon’s whim, and they were once more standing in the ruins of the castle. Nightmare Moon glared at Twilight with a mixture of anger and surprise that the lavender unicorn would dare to interrupt her anthem.
The unicorn turned around to her new friends. “Come on, ladies!” She exclaimed. “For Celestia!”
To Twilight’s surprise, it was Fluttershy who sang out first – but not in support.
“There’s just no way that we can win, that was a masterpiece,” she sang sorrowfully. "She rocks too hard because she’s not a mortal mare…”
“God damnit, Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, flying up to her closest friend and looking the yellow pegasus in the eye.
“She’s gonna bring eternal night
“We’ll all freeze without sunlight
“Unless we bust a massive monster mamajam.”
Applejack stepped forward. “We’ve made far somehow,”
“Giggled at the ghosties, really loud!” Pinkie Pie reminded them all.
Rarity sang next. “Now it’s time to blow this bitch mare down…!”
No one had time to react to the normally prim-and-proper unicorn’s words, as they all turned to regard Nightmare Moon. “Come on ladies, now it’s time to blow doors down.”
“I hear you Twilight now it’s time to blow doors down,” Rainbow Dash joined in.
“Light up the stage, ‘cause it’s time for a showdown!”
“We’ll bend her over then we’ll take her to brown town!” Was Applejack’s vulgar contribution.
As one, the six all began singing. “Now we've got to blow this bitch mare down!”
“I think she’ll kill us if we do not blow doors down,” Fluttershy squeaked.
“Come on, Flutters, there’s no way we can back down!” Twilight encouraged.
“This tacky mare can't compete with our sound!” Rarity challenged. Nightmare Moon grimaced.
“Hey Nightmare Moon!” Twilight sang. “We know your game!”
“Scary trees?” Rainbow Dash asked. “That’s fucking lame!”
“We’ve got the elements,” Rarity said, scuffing the remains of one with her hoof. “And though they’re rocks – ”
“We’ll use them somehow
“Make you suck cocks!”
Everyone in the room, Nightmare Moon included, did not seem particularly surprised at Pinkie Pie’s line.
“Your reign is over!” Applejack called. “You’re out of tricks!”
“You’re just a meanie!” Fluttershy called. “But we’re the six!”
The six all began singing as loud and as powerfully as they could as the music seemed to be guiding them to triumph.
“We are the six, we are the six, we are the six, we are the six
“We are the six, we are the six, we are the six, we are the six
“We are the six, we are the six, we are the six, we are the six
“We are the six, we are the six, we are the six, we are the six
“We are the six!”
Nightmare Moon waved a hoof, and the music suddenly took on a much darker tone. Twilight, however, barely noticed it, as she felt a spark in her mind – the spark of realization.
“You girls are fucking lame!” Nightmare Moon declared, thoroughly unimpressed with their rock-off contribution. “The night is going to last forever! FREEZE IN HELL, FUCKERS!”
Nightmare Moon began to laugh when suddenly there was a flash, and a necklace appeared around each of the six ponies who had dared confront her, except for Twilight, who now wore a big crown…thingie. Then the flash brightened.
Nightmare Moon used her wing and hooves to cover her eyes. “OW! FUCK! MY FUCKING EYES!” The Mare in the Moon dared glance up, just in time to see a rainbow-hued beam of energy strike her. “OH NO!”
From deep within the painfully bright corona of magic came Twilight Sparkle’s voice.
“This magic force
“Knows what to do:
“You won’t return
“’Till season two!”
Nightmare Moon felt herself being dragged away, towards the endless possibilities of the future – a bright and happy future, a future of sunshine and rainbows and smiles and everything she had fought against. “NOOOOOOOOO!” The dark force cried as her grip on Princess Luna weakened.
“FUCK YOU TWILIGHT! AND FUCK YOUR FRIENDS!
“I’LL BE BACK IN SEASON TWO….!”
