When Life Gives you Ponies
"Cave Johnson here, Prime. Oh, forgot to mention, chariots chariots. Turns out that the world you are visiting now does NOT have any testing rooms. Greg has informed me that this alternate Earth was probably constructed from someone's subconscious, and boy, do they have a sad little brain. It has something to do with a show seemingly getting popular in another Earth. Little ponies everywhere. Only problem I have is their smiles are starting to creep me out. Something about those grins reminds me of Greg's kid and man, they sure perfected that. Okay, good luck with laying low while we find a way to get you out of there and testing again. Remember, if you get spotted before we get you out, they'll probably just start to wonder why you aren't frolicking into the sunset with them. So just go along with your merry day and try not to pay attention to the recording device we set up through a random dimensional tear. Strictly for scientific observations only. Now, who's ready to wander around aimlessly in a Utopian society based off of (hopefully) a little girl's imagination?"
* * *
"Okay. Is the stupid thing on?
" Well what the hell did that button do?
"No, Greg. Knobs and buttons and crap confuse me. I'll be honest though, you guys make it look cool. Okay then. Cave Johnson here. This will be my first in a series of audio logs that-
"-turns it back on? Alrighty then. No more fidgeting with the buttons, no matter how tempting it looks to touch them. Cave Johnson here. After extracting all that cash in the Moneyverse, we decided to slow down our pacing here and start recording and tampering with other worlds. This will be a series of tests on how alternate universes' inhabitants react when we bring them to test in our world, starting with the...pony world? Seriously guys? Well, the joke's on you. The more innocent the world is, the better results we get when we start to tamper with them. Speaking of which, where's that poor devil who got washed up there in the first place?
"Uh-huh.
"No...
"Really? Wow, I'm starting to like this equine-filled Earth. Greg just told me that that unlucky son-of-a-gun got discovered. And it turns out, these ponies don't seem to always like frolicking into the sunset. Our guy got sent to the biracial rulers of the land who harness their powers to raise the sun and moon everyday. Greg said that these two, in fact, do not take kindly to aliens from another Universe. They had used their 'Elements of Harmony' against him. Sounds girly enough, but let me tell you this, those girls using the elements can have their eyes glow and shoot rainbows out of their tiaras and necklaces to turn someone into stone. That's not even the best part. The guy's body is on display for all of the citizens to see in a thousand years to come. We're going to see if we can extract his body before we start testing with these ponies. Wait.
"Uh-huh.
"Alright.
"Well, Greg told me we cannot extract his body, and we will have to pay for a large financial compensation. I say, to hell with that. Tell me where in our laws it says that 'on the condition they're turned to stone, we have to toss a bunch of cash at the family to make up for the fact that their daddy is now a piece of art'. I'm certain the guy wasn't worth half as much before he got turned to stone. We should send him to a museum. Then people would be giving us money, and our former test subject would be serving a higher purpose in life, filling up the back section of an exhibit where a bunch of fourth-graders on a field trip draw lousy copies of him.
"Fine Greg, we'll do it your way! Leave his body. Expect by next week, you guessed it, tests! Cave Johnson, we're done here. Great. That's a wrap everybody.
"What?
"I haven't turned it off?
"Well which button does that one do? This-"
...
...
"Cave Johnson here. In case the dimensional extraction team is hearing this, you have my permission to send him to a museum. I take that back. Take him to a museum or you're fired. Cave Johnson, signing off."
