Zecora the Neighgerian Princess
The Princess of Neighgeria
Zecora was most thoroughly unsatisfied with her day.
For weeks, she had been toiling day in and day out to find the herbs for her brews. She was quite well-established at it, and was considerably more efficient than any competition she may have. She would find the necessary ingredients, whip up incredible concoctions, and deliver them to ailing zebras faster than the others could even write their list of reagents.
The problem was, every zebra who was any zebra seemed to have the same knack for potion-making that she possessed. Though she stood head and shoulders above the pathetic attempts of the others that served as competition, as a consequence, there was almost always another zebra who had pre-made the potion, or getting in her way as she attempted to gather more herbs, or driving the prices down so she couldn't even afford the roof over her head.
As such, she had sequestered herself in a small hut in the epicenter of her favorite herb spots. She worked like a well-oiled machine in an effort to keep food on the table and have a bed to sleep in at night. Everyzebra in the vicinity knew who she was, how quickly she worked, and they were all envious of her incredible skill.
Despite all this, however, she wasn't happy. She worked herself to the bone making brews day in and day out, and she wanted to enjoy her life for once. She'd spent a good majority of her time since birth working, and she wanted to leave behind the days of slaving like a diamond dog and usher in the infrequent requests of maybe having to make potions for the occasional ailing ponies.
She'd tried to save up hay tokens before, but they were very difficult to come by. She longed for a pony who would pay countless Equestrian Bits for one of her magical cures, then she could convert all those lovely coins into hay tokens and buy a mansion in which she could relax for the rest of her days. The inflation value on hay tokens was enormous.
In fact, her dream was to live in Equestria. That's all it was, though... a dream for the rich and privileged. Like the royalty of the Zebra Kingdom. They got to go see the beautiful land of Equestria and escape from their overgrown forest as often as they wanted.
Zecora wasn't royalty, however. In fact, she would go so far as to say that there was nothing remarkable about her. She was just a zebra who could make great potions quickly. That didn't get her to the magical and enchanting Equestria any faster than being a street urchin at the gates of Zimbabneigh.
Having finished her work for the day, the exhausted zebra relaxed upon her bedspread that lay on the lush grass floor. She closed her eyes, imagining someday making it to Equestria while simultaneously letting out a futile sigh. She had a feeling her dreams wouldn't come true.
As her mind began fading from consciousness, she was rather rudely disturbed by a loud rustling of hooves on her grass door. It appeared somezebra was trying to knock. “Come in!”
Rushing inside was a creature that Zecora had only heard tales about before. She seemed slimmer than a zebra, and her coat was one solid color instead of striped. The fur itself was a slate-grey, and the mane was also solidly colored a neon blue. Affixed over her eyes was a pair of dark sunglasses. She looked like something from out of the future.
Zecora stared at the pony, stunned. The newcomer mare took it upon herself to speak first. “Please! Ya gotta help me! I made a villager angry or something, and now they got a mob coming to get me! My tech ain't no use in this swamp, you gotta help me disappear!”
Zecora looked thoughtful for a moment. “It seems fortune smiles on you today, but tell me, who suggested you come this way?”
“I dunno, I was just running, and then I saw this shack, and I thought you might be able to help!” This strange mare seemed quite afraid. It was likely the mob only wanted an apology, not her blood. Especially not a pony's blood. “Please tell me you got something!”
Zecora paused thoughtfully. “A brew I have to make you unseen, but another client's anger will be sparked towards me. To give you my brew of limitless guile, I ask that you make the offer worthwhile.”
The mare paused, thinking for a moment. “Here, I got this watch. Universal signal, connects to Celestianet and Nightmarenet—but don't tell anypony about Nightmarenet or you'll have a lot worse coming after you than I got coming after me.”
Zecora only looked at her new victim disapprovingly.
The cyber-mare sighed exasperatedly. “There's all kinds of nifty things this gadget can do. Look—” she poked a button on the side of the watch and a panel popped out “—that monitors air temperature, ground temperature, water temperature, whatever temperature you need, and it measures air pressure, and time of course, and radiation level, and... you don't need any of this, do you?” At Zecora's incessantly unimpressed gaze, she said, “Ugh, what do you want? This watch has got it all, lady, you're never going to see another one like it. Look, it's got satellite TV, telekinesis for a couple pounds, speed run—well, they only give you so much energy in one day for that, or I'd be halfway home by now—and... let's see... oh, gimme a sec!”
As Zecora watched in captivation, the strange pony pulled out a tiny tool, poking the watch in a couple places, and the gadget popped open, revealing several whirring lights and other buttons. “Hmm... this one... and this...” the mare muttered to herself as she manipulated several unseen objects inside of the device. After a few moments, she nodded in satisfaction, closed the watch again, and poked a button, bringing up another display. “There ya go, this one just came out—Cadancenet!”
Zecora looked with suddenly piqued interest at the menu before her. On the projection screen were several pony names with words next to them. Luckily, Zecora had studied the Equestrian language at some length, so she was able to easily read what was being said. It looked something like this:
Anoneighmous 8 has entered chat room “General Chat”
Anoneighmous 4: all im sayin is that if u dont want attention u dont post that online
MareLove69: shes allowed to post what she wants, i say keep postin em gurl
Stallionhood: hey everypony asl
Anoneighmous 4: she just keeps throwing it out there like its somethins special though... all mares got those parts dude
Anoneighmous 1: stallionhood u lookin 4 good time then pm me xoxo
Slendermane has entered chat room “General Chat”
MareLove69: exactly man its her choice let her put em up if she wants its not like anypony is telling her to sotp
Anoneighmous 7: Y'ALL LONELY MARES IN HERE PRETENDING TO BE STALLIONS WE ALL KNOW YOU LIKE OTHER MARES JUST COME OUT AND SAY IT
Anoneighmous 7 has been kicked from chat by #PCelestia
Anoneighmous 3: oh cmon mod what did he do wrong
Anoneighmous 3 has been kicked from chat by #PCelestia
Stallionhood: any mares want some sweet lovin tonight pm me
MareLove69: anypony ever wondered what a zebra would be like
MareLove69: pm me and we can talk about it
Zecora looked at the cyber-pony expectantly. “What is this pim that Mare Love asks for? Tell me and the potion is yours.”
The futuristic-looking mare snickered a little. “A PM stands for private message. He wants to talk to ponies alone about it. Just hit this dial... then the list of ponies in the chat comes up. Hit their name, then a list comes up, and you pick “Start a chat with this pony” to set up a PM session. All right, where's that potion at?”
Zecora quickly got the prepared invisibility potion down from its shelf, handing it to the mare. She drank it in one gulp, then said, “All right! You can keep that piece of junk, good luck with it ya lame zebra!” She then disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The zebra turned her attention back to the watch. The blank chat sat open, waiting for her to input something. She stared at it curiously for a few moments, then poked the area with a blinking spot. A keyboard of Equestrian symbols popped up on the holo-display in front of her. She thought a few moments, then typed out a message to MareLove69: “Pony with a name that is so unique, is it a zebra's insight you seek?” She poked a button that said “Send” and the message disappeared from the box she'd put it in, reappearing above it in a bigger box:
Anoneighmous 7: Pony with a name that is so unique, is it a zebra's insight you seek?
There was a few moments of nothing, then she saw a message pop up below hers:
MareLove69: depends... r u a zebra?
Zecora stared at the screen in confusion. She was very well-versed with Equestrian language, but she'd never run across anything called a rua before. Perhaps a rua zebra? She'd never heard of any of her kind called that before. She typed back another message:
Anoneighmous 7: A rua zebra? I do not think so, but in the morning does it matter which rooster crows?
She waited for several minutes, but no reply came. She gazed at the gadget, confused, then began poking buttons. She navigated the menus back to the “General Chat” that she'd been in, and saw MareLove69 posting more messages to the other ponies. It appeared she had been ignored.
This was what she had waited her entire life for. She had a means of communication with real live ponies in Equestria. She only needed to find one generous enough to help her get there. With all of the money that they had, that wouldn't be an issue... would it?
Several days later, Zecora was up late poking her glowing watch, sending messages to several ponies about her predicament, and always coming up with negative results. The most common message she saw was “sorry cant help.” Either ponies were very scrupulous with their money, or they didn't believe her for some strange reason.
Tonight, she gave up on the chat rooms, deciding instead to explore the rest of Cadancenet. From what she had gathered on tinkering with her watch, Celestianet held general data of all types—videos, music, various entertainment—Nightmarenet had a lot of illegal things—pony organs, professional hitmares, promiscuous fillies—and Cadancenet held general communications for everypony. If she was going to find a way to Equestria, it would be through Cadancenet.
Looking at the long list of supported sites on Cadancenet, she ticked off the places she'd already been: Chat. Surprisingly, she had done more exploring of the other two nets than the one she actually needed. She decided to select the next item on the list: eNeigh.
A few minutes after opening eNeigh, she knew that this didn't hold her answers; it was ponies selling things, nothing else. She decided to go to the next link: Nagslist.
Almost instantly after opening this site, Zecora was taken aback at the amount of choices in here as well. After a few moments, she realized that she was looking at geographical regions. She decided that she would check the Equestria one, since that was where she was trying to go.
After making the Equestria selection, she was given another choice of cities. She decided to go for the one that she'd heard the royalty talk about visiting before: Canterlot.
Finally, she found herself looking at a list that she wanted to see. It appeared that requests or offers were grouped into many different categories, and she needed to pick a category to explore. She saw one labeled “Transport” and decided to see what it contained. There were all kinds of transportation services being offered in Canterlot, but none traveling to the Zebra Kingdom. Disappointed, she went back to her list of categories.
In the menu, she eventually focused on the “Personals” section. Here she cursorily looked through, immediately freezing when she saw “mares seek mares” as one of the categories. She looked at the other items listed with an increasing sense of dread, briefly wondering what “bucktonic” may mean before deciding she would rather not know. Knowing the caliber of pony that normally frequented Cadancenet, she wasn't surprised, but her curiosity was now piqued. She decided to select “mares seek mares” first.
The deluge of horny mare messages that assaulted the unsuspecting zebra made her gasp in shock. She had no idea this kind of thing was so widespread in the entire world, let alone just the city of Canterlot. She overcame this quickly, however, resolved to find something useful.
Within, she found a lot of open invitations for mares interested in enjoyable evenings. Studying the general themes of the messages, she decided she could possibly try to get help here. Maybe these sex-crazed ponies could be good for something.
She put hoof to holoboard and typed out as heartfelt a message as she could:
I tell you ponies of Equestria, I happen to be a zebra. In my home kingdom I am stuck, and making money here I have no luck. To your land I seek to go, to ply my trade and let business grow. Funding I need to travel there, from some generous stallion or mare. Repay you in full I surely shall, with extra of course to make it worthwhile. Please, somepony help me with this, and the reward you get shall be much interest.
Satisfied that her letter couldn't get any better, the zebra nodded to herself and posted it on all of the boards in personals.
Three days later, Zecora had no replies. Not a single pony had replied to her plight, not even to ask if she was real.
She couldn't imagine how she would ever make it there. If ponies didn't want to help fund her travel, she would never be able to afford to make it. She had to come up with a better plan.
She briefly considered the zebras who did get to go to Equestria: royalty. She wasn't royalty... but nopony in Equestria knew that, did they?
She fetched a worn parchment from her drawer, flattening it upon the ground. It was of the Zebra Kingdom. She picked out some of the lesser-known countries—Maredagascar, Trotzania—before her eyes rested on one province in particular: Neighgeria.
Despite having done extensive study on the royalty of the Zebra Kingdom, Zecora still had no inkling as to who was ruling in Neighgeria... and neither, she was certain, would anypony.
She once again opened her watch, preparing another message to send to the personals boards of Nagslist. Once there, she decided to go all out:
Citizens of the Equestrian nation, I command you all to recognize my station. Princess Arawa is the name by which I am known, and I am third in line to the Neighgerian throne, but I am stranded alone in Equinetorial Guineigh, and passage to Equestria is all for which I pray. Equestrian bank laws are much laxer than here, so all money can be withdrawn with no taxation fears. At this time I ask somepony today, will you pay for me to come to Equestria to stay?
Happy with the result, Zecora nodded and once again posted it on all the boards.
Several hours later, she was trying to sort through several requests to prove her princesshood, several ponies calling her a scam artist, and several offers for a relationship once she did make it to Equestria to find several open-ended offers to pay for her fare. She browsed through the seven or eight, scrutinizing the words while she weighed a trustworthy pony. Eventually, she settled on a stallion that seemed quite honest and straightforward in his offer to help a pony in need.
It was fairly easy to convince the stallion that she was who she said she was, and she thanked him profusely for his kindness and generosity in helping her. He wired over enough money for her passage to Equestria, as well as enough meals to supply her for even a week after she made it there, despite her insistence that she would no longer need it after she arrived. She managed all these things through the watch, paying for her ticket electronically and boarding a ferry that took her to the place of which she had dreamed.
Perhaps she had lied somewhat, and perhaps she was going to make a stallion somewhere in this new nation angry at her. It didn't matter so much to her; she was no longer going to live on the border of poverty.
She was coming to Equestria.
Sending one final thank you to the stallion who had paid for her journey, the zebra took one last look at her gadget watch and cast it into the sea. It hit the water, let out a loud pop, then sank.
So, Zecora thought to herself, the cyber-mare was lying about the water pressure gauge.
In a nondescript dorm room near Canterlot Castle, Twilight Sparkle was screaming at her watch.
“Oh, you've got to be kidding me! I just paid for a Neighgerian zebra princess to come to Equestria, and now I can't track her? What happened to her netwatch?”
A voice crackled from her watch. “I dunno... it just went dark. We can't see her anymore. Sorry, Twi.”
The young lavender mare screamed, stabbing several buttons on her watch, eventually pulling up Cadancenet and entering the general chat. The chat logged her in:
MareLove69 has entered chat room “General Chat”
MareLove69: hey everyone the neighgerian princess thing is a scam it just got me
MareLove69 has been kicked from chat by #PCelestia
Author's Note
What terror hath I wrought upon the world?
--Scootareader
