"Good morning," said one crystal stallion to another.
"What?" asked the other.
"I said good morning."
"Oh. Good morning, then."
"You don't look so good."
"I don't?"
"Nope."
"What do I look like?"
"You look as if you've been sleeping for at least a thousand years."
"I think that we've all been sleeping for a thousand years."
"Oh, well that would explain it."
"That's a nice house you've got there."
The crystal stallion looked up at the house he had just come from. "Are you sure this is my house?"
"Well, you came from this house."
"That's as good a reason as any other, I guess. Thanks for taking the time to examine and compliment my house."
"No problem; it's the least I can do after waking up from the longest sleep I've ever had."
"What's the most you could do?"
"I might be able to run a marathon."
"You do look pretty fit."
"Thanks for noticing."
"I just realized something that might be important."
"What?"
"I don't know what my name is."
"I swear I recognize your face. Let me help you think."
"Are we friends?"
"I don't think that's your name."
"No, I was asking if we're friends."
"Oh. Well, I think we might be friends."
"I more than think it; I know we're friends."
"How did you come to that conclusion?"
"You're in my yearbook."
"Oh. And I think your name is Ralph."
"Ralph?"
"Yes."
"That doesn't sound very pony-like."
"What is pony-like, exactly? I mean, we're ponies, but is there really a select number of words and things that are just for us? Maybe names and genders can be given to anything. Take my house, for example; his name is now Woody Woodson."
"I have no idea what you're trying to say."
"I'm tired."
"So am I."
"Hey, Ralph?"
"Yes?"
"What's my name?"
"Hm... I never really thought about that."
"It would only be common courtesy for you to help me think of it after I so kindly helped you."
"You have a way with words, Bill-John."
"Thank you. They don't call me Bill-John for nothing. Wait, I feel like you just came up with a random name..."
"... No, I'm pretty sure your name is Bill-John."
"Just like how your name is Ralph?"
"What are you trying to say?"
"Your name is Ralph."
"Yes?"
"And my name is Bill-John."
"I couldn't have said it any better myself."
"You're just full of compliments today, Ralph."
"I'm not trying."
"Way to kill the mood, Ralph."
"I killed a pony?"
"You did?"
"Holy crap... I can't believe I killed a pony!"
"Ralph! Don't make me take you out, Ralph!"
"I'm sorry, Bill-John! I didn't know right from wrong at the time!"
"Oh, well that's just an honest mistake, then."
"Hey, wanna go see the Crystal Heart?"
"Are you asking me out on a date, Ralph?"
"No."
"Then it's a date! Let's go!"
"Yes!"
The two ponies began their journey to the Crystal Heart.
"Hey, why does everypony look so depressed?" asked Bill-John.
"I'm depressed," replied Ralph.
"Me too."
"I think that they're all remembering how horrible their lives were before they went to sleep."
"And how they just realized that they have to resume their horrible lives now that they're awake?"
"Exactly."
"I can't remember what my job is, Ralph."
"Maybe you're a hobo?"
"But I live in a house."
"You're a hobo that lives in a house."
"I hadn't realized that was actually a possibility."
"Yeah. I mean, even I remember what my job is."
"What's your job?"
"I swear I knew what it was just a second ago."
"It happens to the best of us."
"It does?"
"I can't remember."
"Why did we have to sleep for so long, Bill-John?"
"Are we dead?"
"I don't believe we're dead."
"That's a relief. For a minute there, I thought we were dead."
"That's depressing."
"Oh hey, it's Martha!"
Ralph looked over at Martha, then back at Bill-John. "... Kent?"
"What?"
Ralph's eye's narrowed. "... Martha?"
"Ralph, you're scaring me."
"Hey, Martha!"
Martha looked at Ralph and Bill-John, and then immediately got kidnapped by a mysterious pink pony wearing some sneaky spy gear.
"Ralph?"
"Yes, Bill-John?"
"I don't think we're ever going to see Martha again."
"I think you're right. Who's gonna take care of Clark now?"
"I don't know who that is, Ralph."
"Wait, Martha was single..."
"She was? If I had known that, we would have been together long ago. Literally. A thousand years ago."
"You don't need to remind me how long we've been sleeping for, Bill-John."
"Did we already talk about that?"
"I don't remember."
"I'm tired."
"Oh hey, we're here."
"Where?"
"The Crystal Heart."
"Where is it?"
"I think it's under that cover over there."
"You mean the one that's right over the Crystal Heart?"
"Yes."
"Well then, no crap it's under there!"
"You don't have to be so mean!"
"I'm just so tired, Ralph! I could just lay down right here and go to sleep!"
"No!"
Bill-John began to lay down on the ground. "It's so comfy down here! I need to sleep!"
"No! Don't go towards the light, Bill-John!"
"I don't see a light."
"Oh, that's good."
"Ralph?"
"Yeah?"
"I see the light!"
"No! You can't go! Not now!"
"It's getting closer, Ralph! I can hear Mama Jellyface calling for me!"
"No! Tell Mama Jellyface to go away! You don't want her delightful pastries!"
"They're too delightful! Mama Jellyface cooks all of her meals with a lot of butter and oil! Do you know how good those are for you!?!?"
"Not very good at all?"
"Holy crap, Ralph! You've broken the spell! I'm saved!"
"Get off of the ground, Bill-John; there are ponies staring at us."
"Sorry. I can't help being dramatic every once in a while. I honestly felt less depressed, too."
"Check out that pony with the stylish hat over there!"
"Do you think it's for sale?"
"Why don't you go ask?"
"Good idea, Ralph!" Bill-John approached the mare with the nice looking hat. "Excuse me, miss, I was just wondering if that hat you have there is for sale."
The orange mare looked at Bill-John. "Nothin' ta see here! why don't y'all go see the jousting match!"
"Jousting, you say!?"
"Yes!"
"Well, why didn't you just say so!?"
"I did..."
"Ralph!"
"What now, Bill-John?" asked Ralph.
"I just got the urge to go see a jousting match!"
"There's jousting!?"
"Yes!"
"Oh, thinking about jousting brings me way back to the days before Sombra. Oh, jousting, how I love you so!"
"Yeah, but jousting always ended up with dead ponies that had to be cleaned up afterwards."
"Oh yeah. But still! We're gonna go to that jousting match!"
"Ralph! You've become colorful!"
Ralph raised his hoof and looked at it. "Bill-John! I have! Why, Bill-John, so have you!"
"Oh my goodness! I don't feel even a bit of depression, Ralph! I feel like we're gonna have the best day ever since the day we met!"
"I totally remember that, Bill-John! All of these memories coming back to me fill me with the brightest joy and the most light I could ask for!"
"I think you mixed up your words there a bit, Ralph!"
"Nope!"
The two ecstatic crystal stallions made their way to the jousting tournament.
"Check out those winged freaks, Bill-John! They're going to die for our entertainment!"
"That's pretty racist, Ralph!"
"Nopony ever accused me of not being racist, Bill-John!"
"I can never stay mad at you, Ralph!"
"I know. Wait a minute! That rainbow one! I recognize her..."
"Don't say it, Ralph!"
"I think..."
"Don't you dare say it!"
"I think that she..."
"Don't even think about saying it, Ralph! I swear I will take you out!"
"I do believe that she's the one who molested my child, Bill-John."
"I told you not to say it, Ralph! Now look at what you've done!"
"That winged beast will pay for the harm she brought to my family!"
"No! Think about what you're doing, Ralph! You can't have the blood of another pony on your hooves! Not since what happened last time!"
"You molested my child, you wench!"
"Now you've done it, Ralph! You've hurt her feelings with your accusatory words!"
"Oh, I know exactly what I've done, Bill-John! She's going to get so angry that the yellow one will just be a puddle on the ground after the jousting match!"
"I think I see what you did there, Ralph!"
"Yes! One hundred bits on the rainbow one, my good sir!"
"Same for me, kind gentleman!"
"I think we just gave our money to a complete stranger, Bill-John."
"I do believe you are correct, Ralph!"
"Who cares about that!? The jousting match is about to start!"
"Look! The yellow one isn't even moving! She'll surely be knocked right out of existence by the rainbow one!"
"I would like to call an objection to this match! If what Bill-John said is true, then somepony has been tampering with the space-time continuum! That is against the rules!"
"Are you sure? Where's the rule plaque!?"
"Right over there! Let's take a look!"
Jousting Rules:
No standing still (We, the members of the jousting committee, have found that standing still allows you to aim your lance in such a fashion that a running participant cannot achieve, and is therefore considered cheating)
No crying (We have found that crying throws off your opponent and causes them to start crying as well, which causes a loss in crowd size and is also considered cheating)
No being yellow (We have found that being yellow messes with the eyes of your opponent and causes them to accidentally maim the audience, and also that there are no yellow crystal ponies, therefore being yellow is considered cheating and heresy)
Tampering with the space-time continuum is a legal tactic in the game of jousting (We have found that the "accidental" killing of your opponent's parents before they were born is not considered cheating and is actually a great conversation topic, therefore it is permitted)
"Well, it seems as though the yellow one is the one breaking all of the rules, here. I believe she has been disqualified and will be given a punishment!" said Ralph.
"What's her punishment?" asked Bill-John.
"She will be forced to stand still and allow the rainbow pony to run at her and hit her with a lance."
"Look, the punishment has just started!"
"Aim for the eyes!"
"She's going in for the kill!"
"Wait, the yellow one didn't die! Booo!"
"I want my money back!"
"We gave our money to a complete stranger, Bill-John. I don't think we'll ever get it back."
"Let's go see the Crystal Heart now. That dumb orange pony can't stop us! We're Bill-John and Ralph, best friends extraordinaire!"
"Yeah! That's who we are! Anypony who says otherwise is crazy!"
"Wow, I was actually expecting ponies to say otherwise. I guess our names are actually Bill-John and Ralph..."
"Well, Crystal Heart, here we come!"
"Hey Ralph, I'm hungry."
"Me too, actually. What do you suppose we should eat?"
Bill-John's eyes narrowed. "Crystal corn, my friend. Crystal corn."
"I'm so hungry that I could eat every crystal corn ever!"
"That's a lot of crystal corn, Ralph; are you sure you're up for the challenge?"
"I'm up for any challenge, Bill-John."
"Even the cinnamon challenge?"
"Screw that, Bill-John! I don't want to die!"
"I'm sure eating every single crystal corn ever would kill you anyway."
"That's a risk I'll have to take, Bill-John. Nopony will stop me from devouring all of the crystal corn. Nopony."
"I have to commend your confidence, Ralph. If there was an award for being confident, you'll probably come in fifth place."
"That's the nicest thing anypony has ever said to me."
"It's what I do."
"I still want that corn."
"Then let's go get that corn, buddy!"
The two stallions headed over to the crystal corn stand.
"Hello, fellow pony! I'm Bill-John, and this here is my associate in crime, Ralph. We'd like one crystal corn-on-the-cob each!" said Bill-John.
"Did you just say crime?" asked the pony working the crystal corn stand.
"Uh... Yeah?"
"You stay right where you are! I'm getting the authorities!"
"What? I was just kidding!"
"Yeah? That's what they all say!"
"I just want to buy some corn!"
"That's... Also quite similar to what they say, but I'll let you continue..."
"Here's the bits, now just give us two crystal corn-on-the-cobs, and we'll leave."
"How can I trust you two?"
"Let me handle this, Bill-John," said Ralph. "Hey there, hot stuff, I'm Ralph."
"No! No more! Just take the corn and get out of here!" The mare threw the corn at Ralph and Bill-John and closed her stand.
"Whoa, where'd you learn how to do that, Ralph?" asked Bill-John.
Ralph lifted up his front hooves and stared at them. "What have I done to deserve such a power as this?"
"Calm down, Ralph! We can discuss your super-equine abilities later, but now we've got to get ourselves over to the Crystal Heart so we can all stare at its beauty and magnificence!"
"What's wrong with me!?"
"You seem to have the ability to balance on your back legs ridiculously well..."
"Let's go to the Crystal Heart, Bill-John!"
"That's what I just suggested..."
"Yeah, well my suggestion actually worked."
"Okay."
The two stallions made their way back to the Crystal Heart.
"It's still under that stupid cover!" said Bill-John.
"We want the Crystal Heart, not just its shape concealed underneath a nice fabric!" said Ralph.
"Yeah!"
More crystal ponies began to gather around the covered Crystal Heart.
"Look, Bill-John! We've attracted more ponies! We're popular!"
"I always knew we were the coolest ponies in the Crystal Empire!"
"You did?"
"No! In fact, I think I just created a false memory!"
"Well we all need to believe in something, Bill-John, and if everything you believe happens to be untrue, then I guess your whole life is a lie."
"My life is a lie."
"I'm sorry Bill-John."
"I was always a hobo that lived in a house, Ralph! Can't you see! Everything I know is a lie! I'm probably not even a stallion! I'm a mare, Ralph! Can't you see my beautiful mane! Compliment my beautiful mane!"
"You're still a stallion, Bill-John. Everypony is looking at us again."
"Oh, well then... I guess not everything I knew was a lie..."
"You have a knack for going crazy, Bill-John."
"I know. I guess I forgot that."
"That seems like a terrible thing to forget."
"It does, doesn't it?"
"Yeah. But we still want to see the Crystal Heart!"
"Yeah! Why is it covered up!? Did you make a fake Crystal Heart to appease us, but then when you found out that wouldn't suffice, you covered it up with this sheet and now one of your friends is searching for the real crystal heart up in the castle, and if you uncover that and we see that it's not the real Crystal Heart, we're gonna get all depressed again and not be happy anymore, thus allowing Sombra to return and take over the Crystal Empire again!?!?"
"That's completely ridiculous, Bill-John? How did you even come up with that?"
"I don't know, I just kinda started saying some words and went on from there."
"Oh hey, check out that random beach ball flying through the air!"
"I love beach balls!"
"Me too! Look! It just hit the covered Crystal Heart!"
"Yeah!"
The cover came off of the Crystal Heart, which flew off of the stand and slid over to Ralph and Bill-John.
"This isn't the Crystal Heart..."
"Well of course it isn't!" said a good-looking white mare. "The real one is-"
"On its way!" said the orange mare from earlier.
"I was going to say being polished to buy us some more time."
"Oops."
"Is this some kind of a joke!?" demanded Ralph.
"Nopony is laughing. If it's a joke, it's the worst one in history."
Suddenly a low-pitched laugh echoed throughout the Crystal Empire.
"It's... It's him!" said a random crystal mare.
"Oh crap, Ralph! This is some scary stuff!"
"Yeah! Pretending that the evil King Sombra is coming back is also not funny at all!"
The low voice then came back and said, "Crystal Heart."
"Bill-John?"
"Yes, Ralph?"
"I think that Sombra is actually coming back."
"I think so too, Ralph."
"We're all gonna die!"
"He'll never take us alive! Quick, Ralph! Let's go hide in my basement!"
"I'm right behind you, buddy!"
A giant sharp rock protruded out of the ground right in front of them, blocking their path.
"On second thought, I think we should, you know, go the other way..." said Bill-John.
"I'm still right behind you, buddy!"
"Hey, up here!" said a little dragon who was at the top of the castle.
"Spike!?" asked the white mare.
"I wish my name was Spike..." said Ralph.
"It's okay, Ralph; your name is Ralph and I respect that name."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"I wish I could say the same about Bill-John."
"Me too."
"Oh my! That dragon has the Crystal Heart!"
"What!? Holy crap, it does!"
"Bill-John, if we get the Crystal Heart and put it back in its place, we'll be heroes!"
"Yes, we will be heroes if we do that."
"So let's do it!"
"Do what?"
"Get the Crystal Heart and become heroes!"
"Oh, you actually want us to do that?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"Well, I just kinda thought that- holy crap! The dragon is falling to his death!"
"Well, Bill-John, let's hope that Sombra doesn't kill us."
"Yeah- what the heck!? Something just flew through the air and caught the dragon and the heart!"
"What was that!?"
"I don't know!"
"Should I make a wish or something!?"
"I already did!"
"What did you wish for?"
"I don't remember."
"I'm tired."
"Me too."
"Behold! The Crystal Princess!" said a random pony.
"What?"
A pink alicorn flew in from above and landed on top of the fake Crystal Heart, causing it to smash into pieces.
"Noooo! I was going to take that and use it to decorate my home!" said Bill-John.
"The Crystal Heart has returned," said the pink alicorn. "Use the light and love within you to ensure that King Sombra does not!"
"Hey! I was going to say that!" said Ralph.
The Crystal Heart floated over to its stand. Everypony began to crystallize and bow down to the pink alicorn.
"We're crystallized, Bill-John! We have the power!"
The ground began to light up.
"What the!? What kind of sorcery is this!?" asked Bill-John.
"I don't know, Bill-John; but I like it!"
"Are we supposed to be bowing down or something?"
"Psh, no! That's just ludicrous, Bill-John!"
The light suddenly flew into the Crystal Heart, and then a giant burst of light came out of it.
"I have no idea what's going on, Ralph!"
"I think I just became blind, Bill-John!"
"That's not good."
"False alarm! I was just closing my eyes."
"Oh hey, check out Sombra! He doesn't look too happy!"
"Yeah! Hey Sombra, you gonna cry!? Why don't you cry us a river!?"
Sombra exploded.
"Holy crap!" said Ralph.
"Well, I don't think he'll be bothering us anymore," said Bill-John.
"Yeah. Because he just violently exploded."
"You saw that too?"
"What do you think I was reacting to?"
"That sign that says crystal corn is 50% off?"
"Holy crap!"
"What?"
"Crystal corn is 50% off!"
"It is!?"
All of the crystal ponies began to cheer.
"Yes! 50% off crystal corn for everypony!"
"And that was the day we all woke up," said Bill-John. "I'll never forget that day.
"What day?" asked Bill-John's son.
"What?"
"What day will you never forget?"
"I... I don't remember, son."
"What happened to Ralph?"
"He ate all the corn, son; every single corn that ever existed."
"Did he get the world record for eating corn?"
"No, son; he died."
"Oh..."
The End
