Do you even lift?

by barbeque

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Scootaloo, Random
Length: 2926

Applebloom goes flying. Spaghetti happens. And other things.

Applebloom goes flying. Spaghetti happens. And other things.

Rated Teen for a single mention of a synonym for poop, apart from that it's Everyone. Also, nothing in this fic makes any sense at all. I just needed to get some really bad ideas out of my system, so I started facekeyboarding and words were formed. Sage_Probo then joined in to edit, and this fic happened as a result of our combined efforts in professional facekeyboarding.

Published 2013-05-08 22:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-08 22:50:01 UTC

Click this at your own risk

“Cutie Mark Crusader Clubhouse Meetup YAY!!!” the three fillies shouted excitedly. Except, there wasn’t really anything to have a meeting about.

It was Saturday, which meant no school. In the morning, they had made a list of new things to try to get their Cutie Marks, but at the end of the day, having tried them all, they still weren’t there.

“It sure is boring around here,” said Scootaloo. ”I know! I’m going to go out and drive circles around the treehouse with my scooter!”

“How about no?!” shouted Sweetie Belle and Applebloom simultaneously.

“Why not?”

“Because... because...” Applebloom stalled.

“I wonder what’s for dinner,” interjected Sweetie Belle, attempting to get the conversation on to another subject. Anything involving Scootaloo and her scooter was dangerous, they knew that much after today, after they had tried to get their cutie marks as stunt drivers.

“Well,” said Applebloom, “I hope apple pie. Or apple fritter. Or apple salad. Or apple juice - no wait, that’s not food, well, we’re probably drinking it with dinner anyway! Or, well, something with apples, I guess.”

“How surprising,” said Scootaloo. “What about you, Sweetie Belle?”

“I hope my sister would make something different than fancy stuff for once. I really liked that rice with tomato sauce we had on that camping trip. I think she’s just afraid to get dirty, but she doesn’t let me make it by myself either.”

“Yeah, I think we know why she doesn’t allow you in the kitchen,” said Applebloom, all too well remembering the horrible things that were created the one time they all tried to get their cutie marks as top chefs. “How about you, Scoots?”

“Yeah,” chimed in Sweetie Belle, “where do you eat anyway?”

“Oh, I, uhh, I always have to wait until Rainbow Dash gets back from her job, then we eat at her cloudhouse.”

“Objection! You can’t fly!” Applebloom exclaimed.

“No, but Rainbow can, so she flies me up there. And I can still stand on clouds, being a pegasus, you know.”

“Okay. But what do you eat then?” Sweetie Belle pressed on.

“Oh that. Uhh. Can you two keep a secret?”

“Of course!” said Applebloom, I’ll just drink some extra apple cider and ’accidentally’ let it slip.

“Duh,” said Sweetie Belle, though that fancy food always tastes better when you’re gossiping about everypony.

“I used to think Rainbow was awesome at everything, but ever since she took me in after that camping trip, I also saw that there are things she’s less awesome at. Not bad or anything, just not super-awesome,” she added hastily. “She’s sorta really-not-awesome in the kitchen, and in the end we just throw something from the fridge into the the oven. And no we don’t eat pizza everyday,” she added before the inevitable question would be asked.

“Sounds legit,” was Sweetie Belle’s reaction. Glancing at the clock tower in the distance, visible through the window of the clubhouse, she seemed to suddenly realize something. “Oh boy! Look at the time. Gotta go fast bye!”

Then Sweetie Belle started spinning in-place really past, waiting for one of the other Crusaders to open the door for her - I should really first open the door before I start spinning next time, she thought to herself - and zoomed out of the clubhouse.

The other two crusaders went home soon after that too, Scoots on her scooter, and Applebloom in her bumpercar, even though since the clubhouse was actually on Sweet Apple Acres it made no sense for Applebloom to drive one at all.

Next Morning

“Morning in Ponyville shimmers ” Twilight sung - well, it sounded more like like what you get when you scratch your hoof in that annoying way over a blackboard, but apparently, Twilight called that singing.

“Twilight. Twilight pls. Stahp,” Spike murmured in his sleep.

“ Morning in Ponyville shiiiiiiiiiines ”

As Twi hit the i, which she really failed at, Spike fell out of bed on his butt, so that apart from being awoken in the usual way, now his butt hurt as well. Great, butthurt. Just what I needed.

Well, he was awake now anyway, so he went downstairs and flamed breakfast, noticing that Twilight was apparently trying to cook something.

“I mustache you a question. What are you trying to make anyway?”

“This week’s picnic is at my place,” said Twilight way too excitedly, as she turned up the heat of the stove to eleven. The pan was humongous, so a lot of heat would be needed to get all that water cooking. She could have just done it with magic, but whatever.

Meanwhile...

Two blue pegasi lay under a blue blanket, in a lightblue cloudhouse, which floated in the blue sky. It also had windows, but those weren’t blue. In fact, the windows were just holes in the wall.

One of the blue ponies was Rainbow Dash, well she wasn’t completely blue, her mane and tail also sported other colors, but apart from that, she was blue. The other one was Scootaloo, who slept in a blue pyjamas because she still sometimes wetted the blue bed, implying that cloudbeds weren’t wet to begin with anyway.

Out of the blue, loud ringing was suddenly heard throughout the house. Expertly, the older (and blue) pegasus throwed a banana through the room, hitting the snooze button of her blue phone which lay on the other side of the room, on the blue floor.

Eventually, they were out of bananas, so they had to get up. Which they should, because the sun had long rose. They had a quick breakfast, after which Rainbow flew Scootaloo down to earth and she went off for work. Scootaloo headed for the super-duper-super-secret Cutie Mark Crusader clubhouse. Or was it a treehouse? Actually, Fluttershy was the only one to call it a treehouse, because she liked trees so much.

Meanwhile, at madame Rarity’s Boutique du Carousel...

“Don’t forget your umbrella!” said Rarity as her younger sister was about to leave for the super-duper-super-secret Cutie Mark Crusaders clubhouse. “One does not simply leave without an umbrella.”

Meanwhile, at Ponyville’s finest establishment for sweets and treats, codenamed Sugarcube Corner...

Absolutely nothing interesting was happening. Pinkie was just bouncing all over the place (as usual) while baking spacecakes (also as usual).

Meanwhile, at Sweat Apple Acres (it hosts boxing tournaments)...

“I’m gonna buck you so hard!” shouted Big Macintosh as he was training with his sister.

“Ohyeah! Come at me bro!” shouted Applejack in return.

They charged towards each other, time slowing down just before they impacted, so the non-existent spectators could watch it all in great detail, like a movie. Only they missed, and Big Macintosh created a new hole in the wall, while Applejack accidentally took out one of the vital supporting wooden beams. The whole barn collapsed.

“Big Mac did you miss me?” said Applejack in a seductive voice, then returned to her normal voice again. “Anyway, now we gotta raise this barn again.”

“Eeyup.”

Please let things be normal at Fluttershy’s cottage...

“Who’s a silly bunny,” teased Fluttershy, holding the carrot just outside Angel’s reach. Angel however wasn’t stupid, and just smacked the yellow pegasus. “Aaaah, bad bunny! Evil bunny!”

Yep, that sounds like a perfectly normal morning to me.

A really short while later, at the super-duper-super-secret Cutie Mark Crusaders clubhouse (or is it a treehouse?)

The Cutie Mark Crusaders were excited. Today, they were going to try and get their cutie marks in cutie marking, whatever that meant. Anyway, they’d went to Zecora’s hut early in the morning, and had a tea party with her. Zecora’s tea was always full of weird things, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders liked weird things.

They were now back at their clubhouse, and waited for the tea to begin working. It always took a while, up to an hour, before the effects started kicking in.

“Ohi Winona,” said Sweetie Belle, as the Apple family farm dog joined them in the clubhouse. The moment she said it, Applebloom’s eyes went into puppy dog mode.

“Applebloom, we already tried getting out cutie marks as dogs a week ago, remember?” deadpanned Scootaloo. Now, Applebloom’s eyes got even cuter, and she started wagging her tail, her tongue lolling out of her mouth.

Scootaloo grew a little worried at this sight. Not much, considering how relatively normal this still was to some of the meetings they’ve had in the past, nevertheless, her face showed varying degrees of wat. “Okay... what just happened?”

“You talkin’ to me?” answered Sweetie Belle. “Do I look like I care?”

“Eeenope,” shouted Big Macintosh from outside - he had sneaked away from helping Applejack rebuild the barn.

“Wow, that’s some crazy dance you’re doing, Applebloom,” said Scootaloo to the filly that was now Gangnam Styling down the ladder of their clubhouse.

Well, they had left the clubhouse, which meant that day 1337 in the hunt for a cutie mark had officially begun. “Dis gon be good...” grinned Sweetie Belle, as they hopped in the same way Applebloom did.

As they crossed the bridge that crossed the stream, they saw a narwhal jump from the river, and Applebloom seemed to change again. A lot of other fillies, and even miss. Cheerilee, appeared out of nowhere too, by the way.

“I’m an owl, silence you narwhal!” she said, then did a three hundred sixty degree rotation of her head.

“No you’re not,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Are too,” insisted Applebloom.

“Are not.”

“Am so.”

“Then prove it.”

“Sure. How?”

“Uhh, Scoots? Ideas?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Actually, yes.”

“Alright, bring it on!” said Applebloom.

“Do you even lift?” asked Scootaloo.

Out of nowhere, heavy fitness weights - painted black, suggesting they were made from dark matter - appeared and she lifted them easily with her tail. “See, easy!” she exclaimed.

“Nono, not that sort of lifting,” the pegasus protested, at the same time thinking, though it is pretty cool. “I mean this sort of lifting!” She demonstrated it by jumping up and trying to fly - which she couldn’t - but everypony present knew what she meant.

“Oh, why didn’t ya just say so!” said Applebloom happily. The heavy weights dissipated into thin air as quickly as they had appeared, being replaced by a hoop. She spun her tail round and round, faster and faster, as if she had to break a record in fast-tail-spinning, until at some point the hoop generated enough lift for her to take off.

“Look at me!” Applebloom shouted over the roar of wind. “I’m flying! Wow, there is so much space up here, I gotta see it all!”

All the fillies - just Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle actually - stared in amazement as Applebloom took off into the open skies, her tail whirring behind her. Applebloom escalated quickly, flying higher and higher, and soon, she entered inter-Equestrial airspace, reserved for pegasi with a valid license and commercial chariot flights only. And the sky-chariots were always drawn by pegasi, so really, just pegasi airspace. Suddenly, she was also able to receive radio frequencies that she didn’t knew existed before.

“DER-314 calling control, DER-314 calling control, do you read me, over?”

“This is control, go ahead DER-314, over.”

“I have an unidentified flying object in my vision, repeat, UFO, over.”

“Roger. What’s your position and heading, over?”

“Roger? Who’s Roger?”

The mare over the radio sighed. “Derpy, how many times do I have to explain you that it is just a codeword? We can’t let our changeling enemies know whether we received a message correctly, now can we?” Ironically, the frequency wasn’t encrypted anyway, and the changeling threat had long since ceased, but whatever. Applebloom could hear every word they said, wondering what this UFO looked like.

“Ohyeah, heh, derp,” the other mare answered, rolling her eyes in opposite directions. “I’m at grid location R-53-71, heading South-South-East. Over.”

“Huh, Ponyville? What are you doing there anyway, there’s a test for a Sonic Rainboom scheduled there in two minutes,” said the mare that apparently controlled all this, before making a public announcement on the radio. “Attention all flyers, a UFO has been spotted above Ponyville, please take caution. Whoever is flying above Ponyville and never spoke to me before, please identify yourself, or we will use force.”

“You, ehhh, hi?” Applebloom said, nervous, but not really afraid. What could possibly go wrong?

“Are you insulting me?”

“H-hi?” she asked again, a little worried this time.

“No, I don’t smoke. Last chance: identify yourself, or I will order the Wonderbolts.”

“Urgh, fine,” Applebloom mumbled, then spoke louder, “Applebloom.”

For a few seconds, mad shuffling of papers was heard, then the radio-mare spoke again. “We don’t have you in our files, please stop lifting and land immediately.”

“I can’t!” shouted Applebloom, having finally realized that it was her that wasn’t supposed to be where she was. “I don’t know how to land!”

“Are you saying... your landing gear is defective?”

“No!” Applebloom shouted, then realized this might be her way out of this mess. “I mean yes! Yes! My landing gear is defective. Maybe that’s what my Cutie Mark should be! Tomorrow, I’m gonna try to be a landing gear!”

“Yeah yeah whatever,” the control mare replied. “Just stay there, we’ll send a rescue party.”

The next few seconds, muted cursing was heard over the radio, of which the moral was ‘ALWAYS! EVERY. TIME we test the Sonic Rainboom, something happens. Previous time it was a unicorn that had wings all of a sudden, now this. What’s next, giant dragons?’

Suddenly, confetti exploded everywhere. “Did someone say... PARTY?!?”

“Pinkie go back into the fourth wall please.”

“But... but you said ’party’...”

“Do it, Pinkie!” she ordered. “Do iiiiiiiit.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” cheered Pinkie, and with that, she disappeared again, taking all the confetti with her as well.

“Uh control,” interrupted the voice that was apparantly called Derpy - which sounded a strangely familiar name to Applebloom - “something is approaching me at a very high rate of speed from the North.”

“Shut up Derpy, I wasn’t talking to you!” yelled the mare over the radio, who was obviously angry.

“Easy to say that over the radio, eh? Come fight me in real life!” Derpy retorted.

“You just went full retard- wait, did you say something about - oh ponyfeathers. RD-9001. RD-9001. Abort mission ’Colorful’ immediately, do you read me? Come in, come in, RD-9001...”

“’Sup Captain?” came a totally cool and awesome voice over the radio. “ETA six seconds, five, four...”

“ABORT MISSION. The codeword is CHRYSALIS, repeat CHRYSALIS. Abort mission immediately.”

“Just playin’ with ya boss,” replied the pony that skidded to a halt in mid-air immediately. “Ohi Applebloom, what are you doing up here?” she added, no longer talking over the radio, but to Applebloom directly. “Wait, Applebloom?”

As soon as she had explained the situation to RD-9001, who actually turned out to be Rainbow Dash, Rainbow informed the Captain of the situation, and offered to help the little filly down to the ground again, provided airspace around them was cleared for a short while.

Rainbow too was a Wonderbolt, and light armor was standard equipment. A small but powerful laser was also part of that outfit. She charged it, and shot the hoop rotating around Applebloom’s tail with a single well-aimed shot, causing the hoop to explode in a giant ball of fire which somehow didn’t affect Applebloom at all, and then rushed over to catch the filly from falling to her certain death.

Everything was well again, the weird effects of the tea also suddenly wore off, and the Elements and the Crusaders just went for the weekly picnic, hosted by Twilight this time.

“Nice of the princess to invite us over for a picnic, eh Sweetie Belle?” Scootaloo said randomly on the way there.

Twilight had thought of everypony present: an Octorock for Rarity, a fake gem for Spike - he was only here because it was hosted at Twilight’s place - Red Bull for Scoots because it might give her wings, Applejack a full course in ‘How to speak like an Egyptian Gentlepony (sponsored by Spy)’ and since she didn’t know what else to make she just made lotsa spaghetti.

“Twilight, darling,” started Rarity. “When I said we should never speak of ‘it’ again, I assumed that you of all ponies would understand that that arrangement included not constantly reminding me of it without actually speaking of it at every possible occasion?!”

“Oh, my, is this rock thing is becoming a meme now?” asked Fluttershy.

Twilight just let out a squee at all the attention she was hogging this way, while the Crusaders yelled, “THE ROCK!!!”

Just at this moment, Twilight’s owl came out of nowhere lightning fast and sat down on his owner’s back.

“Oh look everypony! Owlowiscious decided to join too!”

“Who?” Applejack asked confuzzled.

“Who,” replied the owl.

“Who?”

“DID SOMEONE ORDER... ME?!”, came a tardis out of nowhere, revealing the one and only (apart from a billion clones in parallel universes) Doctor Whooves. “AWWW YEAAAH SHIT JUST GOT REAL AND HIT THE FANFICTION!” he yelled.

Owlowiscious seemed to reply by mouthing ‘O really?’, but since the owl couldn’t actually talk, nobody noticed it.

And then everyone just went back to eating.

“Mmm, yes. This is delicious,” said Rainbow Dash between mouthfuls of spaghetti, licking her chops and helping herself to a third portion.

Eventually, they ran out of spaghetti, and all the ponies went home again, to do whatever they did on a Sunday afternoon.