The Shells That We Hide Behind
Dear Diary,
My name is Spitfire and I have a secret. Something that has ruined many things for me. It bothers me and has affected me very strongly in many ways.
I have stage fright... and a... fear of heights. Ponies consider Fluttershy a timid pegasus, but I win that contest, easily. Everypony has thought of me as a tough pony since I got my cutie mark. I didnt want to let them down so I became Spitfire! My name was Page Turner, I was on the right track to earn my cutie mark in reading and I had always loved it. But, one day I flew really fast to get to school, I was running late because my alarm didnt wake me up on time, and I ended up flying so fast that I left a trail of fire.
Everypony forced me to become who they wanted me to be. So, I changed my hair style and began wearing sun glasses instead of my regular glasses. Some ponies heard of my abilities and they made me join the Wonderbolts. I wanted to say no, but I was too scared. I had to exercise constantly and act tough around everypony and anypony. I don`t like competition, exercise or begin around many ponies, but it was part of the job.
Everyday, before I performed I would throw up or cry. It was so scary to face all of those ponies. They cheered me on, but it just sounded like screaming. Screaming equals pain in my book, so all I heard was pain and agony.
They made me perform tricks and stunts. I even had to make friends with Fleetfoot and Soarin. They were rude and they always shove me, prank me or push me to do crazy things. The two of them decided to brag about me to the owner of the Wonderbolts Academy. He hired me and I was forced to be even more gruff. I had to yell and complain and it just simply wasn`t me... at least not the real me.
I wanted to tell Rainbow Dash that I thought she was awesome. I wanted to tell her that she could take my place. I wanted to just chill with her, shes the only real pony around me even though she does gloat a bit. Yet, Im stuck in this rut. No future except for this one and for generations, my family will have to do so too. Hopefully, they are strong enough to say no.
I just want my old life back. Everypony loves what I do. They want to be me, yet I dont even want to be me and dont ever want it to be forced onto somepony else.
I don`t see the appeal. Flying in circles for hours just to amuse some ponies for bits? That seems stupid and selfish. It is not the ideal life.
It`s even harder for me because I have to fly at high altitudes and be around many ponies at once. Sometimes, I just want to close my wings forever or better yet become a unicorn like I`ve always wanted to be.
I couldve done something with my life. This is nothing. Fame is nothing. Fans are nothing. They dont make me happy or fill me with contentment. They say that if you love your job, you never work a day in your life. It`s the opposite for me.
If only I could change things. If only I had the courage to stick up for myself and say no, but I just let other ponies push me around. What has it gotten me? A terrible life. It`s hell.
Being a Wonderbolt is no piece of cake. I have to travel, exercise constantly, I have no time for interactions and I live with my team in carriage-like thing.
I don`t like the costumes. The Wonderbolts costume and the drill sergeant one are terrible. They itch, they hurt and they attract too much attention.
Basically, my life sucks. Its scary. When I spread my wings and fly I feel like I am falling off a skyscraper to my death. It is traumatizing. The ponies cheering me on or following me scare me immensely. They take pictures of me, they make me sign things, they scream at me or towards me and they are always touching me. I dont enjoy fame in the slightest.
Everything about me or my life is a lie. Everything is a lie these days. Frankly, I just want to crouch down in a corner with my glasses, my perfectly straight mane with a good book and cry. Cry to get rid of all of my fears and pain.
Each day is harder to get through. It would be great to stop this. One day I will have to give up this charade or somepony will see through my facade. I dont care though. As long as Im not dead it`s okay, but this is as close to torture as it can get and a life full of torture is worse than death.
I miss my family as well. I had to leave my parents and my little sister. I dont know if they miss me. I havent seen them for years. I want them to be proud of me, but how can they be proud of a pony who`s living a lie?
Before all of this, I had a dog. She was soft and beautiful. She was my only friend. Her name was Spitfire because of her speed. Thats how I got my current name. I would always play with Spitfire, but I had to leave her too which was the hardest thing that Ive ever had to do. Even more so than performing. Last year she died and I didn`t get to say goodbye or play fetch one last time.
It doesnt matter. None of it does though because life sucks now. Theres no use thinking about the past because it is gone and I will never be able to go back to it or the real me.
Well, goodbye diary. Thank you for listening. This will be fixed in time, but right now I have a show to get to.
- Spitfire
