Roadmaster

by Fleetwood_Brougham

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Adventure
Length: 5596

It began very simple: Derpy wanted to take Dinky camping, but soon the Cutie Mark Crusaders joined the trip. No problem. But, soon, Pinkie and Wilcox come along, and things get complicated. She realizes that she can't fit them all in her car, but doesn't want to dissapoint her daughter, so she rents a Buick Station Wagon from Fleetwood's lot, and sets off. Some wrong turns, and the group is stranded many miles away on a lonely highway near Apploosa. What will happen next?!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-09 17:28:43 UTC

Chapter One: The Promise

Roadmaster

A Fanfiction by Fleetwood Brougham

Chapter One

"Hey folks, this is Delray at Equestria Radio, we got a good tune comin' up for you this morning! A few more hours, and PON-3 will be in, and I'll be outta here! Here it is, "Rock Around The Clock", by Bill Haley to start your morning on the right foot!"

****

It was a cool morning when Derpy was finishing up with her mail run. Her wheezy Jeep DJ was beginning to overheat as usual, and she was glad to give it a rest.

"Oh, yeah," she remembered, "I have to take Dinky to school!"

The Hooves family needed a family car, and BAD! Their 1942 Pontiac Eight had been even more tired than the Jeep, covering the surrounding area with soot from it's exhaust each time it would accellerate, but it had been the only thing she had gotten in the divorce with Fleetwood, so it would do. But, what she didn't count on was her ravenous craving for muffins that drove her to sell the junker, dooming the family's dreams of a roadtrip. She had seen the error of her ways later, and was trying desperately to find a reliable, reasonably priced auto, but had to settle for using her mail Jeep as transportation.

She pulled up at the house where they lived, a crummy bungalow on Ponyville's South Side, and picked up her daugher, Dinky. The two chugged along toward the school in silence until Derpy piped up.

"So, Dinky," she reminded the daughter she loved so much, "Let's have a good day at school, you hear? I don't want you to have a repeat of last week!"

"But, MOM!" the young filly protested, "That colt was mean to me, the reasonable thing to do was to run out of class crying! He made me sad!"

You see, a normal filly wouldn't practice this behavior, but Dinky did on a regular basis. She had a disorder, a disorder that everybody made fun of. Derpy had it too, but had learned to master it. This disorder was known to the ponies as, "Brat Syndrome," but is known in our world as Aspergers.

Derpy arrived at school, the Jeep now begging for rest, and dropped Dinky off.

"You have a good day, honey!" she called as her foal ran into the schoolhouse.

Derpy shifted the dieing mail Jeep into first, and was about to drive off, when Dinky came running back to her.

"Mom," she asked innocently, "How come we can't ever go on a camping trip?"

"Because, honey," Derpy replied, irritation in her voice, "Your daddy took everything in the divorce!"

"Please, mom?"  Dinky pleaded, her golden eyes turning into glass.

"Okay, muffin, I MEAN HONEY!" she sighed, "Maybe we could go on a short trip...."

"HOORAY, CAMPING TRIP!" the filly shouted with glee, and ran into the schoolhouse.

Derpy sighed, definitely not going to be able to take her camping any time in the near future. She drove off, the Jeep definitely not going to make it to the end of the day, toward Carrot Top's house for their daily chat.

Carrot Top lived on Cemetary Hill, across the street from the ancient Brougham Cajun Cemetary, owned by Fleetwood's family. The Cemetary had been built in 1789, and her house in 1910.

She walked to the door, and knocked three times, and waited for Carrot Top to answer. After a few seconds, the doorknob rattled, and the door opened.

"Oh, hi, Derpy!" she said happily, "What's up?"

"I wanted to come over to talk about Dinky and me," Derpy replied, sadness clouding her eyes, "She really wants to go on a camping trip, but I can't take her!"

"Oh, my, well you'd better come in, then!"

The two sat down over two cups of tea and a tray of muffins, which Derpy scarfed down almost immediately after spotting them, and began to talk.

"So, Darcy," Carrot Top continued, calling her friend by her real name rather than her high-school nickname, "What was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"It's about Dinky," she replied, her eyes focused on Carrot Top, which was strange for her, "She asked the same question that she always does:"Can we go camping?" I always say the same thing, "Maybe", but I just can't, Carrot, I just can't keep lieing to her! But then again, I can't squash her dreams!"

"Darcy," Carrot Top gasped, as if there was something wrong with her friend, "You really shouldn't put that trip off! This is a very important stage of development in a filly's life, and a road trip/camping trip would be good for her!"

"That's all very nice," Derpy pointed out, "But may I remind you that I don't have money for a CAR, let alone GAS?!"

"It's fine, Darce," the optimistic ginger said cheerfully, "you could RENT a car, you know! I could even help pay for it!"

"Thank you so much, C.T.," the Derpy cried with joy, "You really shouldn't! But, where are we gonna find a rental?"

"Well, I know Fleetwood Brougha-"

"NO, NO, NO!" Derpy screamed in rage, "THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING BACK TO THAT SLIPPERY BASTARD EVER AGAIN!"

"Calm down, Darce!" Carrot Top laughed, "That "slippery bastard" was pronounced a missing pony! His dad and that dragon Twilight Sparkle raised, Dyke I think his name is, are running the lot!"

Fleetwood Brougham's General Motors LeSabre Concept car was found at the bottom of a cliff on Gemstone Ridge a few weeks ago, and detectives were still looking for a body, although there were signs that he escaped, such as the door being ajar.

"Well," joked Derpy," Let's hope that THEY don't try to sleep with me and steal my money!"

The two laughed and talked for the rest of the morning, and into the afternoon, until Derpy looked at the clock.

"Oh, my!" she gasped, "I really should get going, Dinky gets out of school in a few minutes!"

"Alright," Carrot Top said in her usual joyful fashion, "goodbye!"

"Goodbye!"

It was Dinky's bedtime, and Derpy was coming to tuck her in. Derpy hurried down the hallway of the house toward Dinky's room, ignoring the yelling and gunshots coming from outside, for this happened EVERY night on the Ponyville South Side.

She sat down on her daughter's bed, and began to read her a bedtime story, when Dinky asked her the same question she had asked for months: "When are we going to go camping?"

Derpy was tired of letting her daughter down, and remembered what Carrot Top told her.

"Alright, Dinky," she said, caving in to her daughter's demands, "At the end of the week, we'll go to Camp Wanahoova for a few days-"

"YAY!!!" the little unicorn jumped out from under her covers, and began dancing around on top of the bed. "OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH, MOM! THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME, I'LL BRING SWEETIE BELLE, SCOOTALOO, APPLE BLOOM, TWIST, REN....."

Derpy breathed a sigh of relief, now she could have a few days of relaxation, just her and her daughter. Nothing was going to ruin this trip, what could possibly go wrong?

*Special thanks to Smaug for the "Camp Wanahoova" idea.*

Chapter Two: Preparations

Chapter Two:

The next few days, Derpy worked harder than ever before to finish her mail routes, so hard, that when her Jeep finally broke down, she finished her routes on foot, all the while thinking about her first expirience at Camp Wanahoova.

The year was 1982, and Derpy, was in high school. She was known to the school as Darcy Hooves, and was the most beautiful mare in the school. That is, until her father, Landau, took her to work that fateful day. Landau had worked on he railroad, in the mail car. The express that they were riding rear-ended a chemicals train, killing many, and injuring her for life. No, it was not the chemicals that hurt her, it was a simple blow to the back of her head, crossing her eyes, and destroying her popularity. She fell from grace quickly, bullies being the crooners of the name "Derpy", and she thought about killing herself. That is, until she met her sweetheart, a young colt named Fleetwood Brougham. One of the first places they had gone to together was the beautiful Camp Wanahoova, just off Celestian Highway 23. She remembered one of the nights there as clear as day.

Darcy and Fleet were lying on the hood of a Cadillac Eldorado, gazing through the trees, and into the stars. The radio was softly playing "Only You" by The Platters, setting the mood for the lovestruck young ponies.

****

"Wow," whispered Fleetwood, "How many do you think there are, Darce?"

"Really, Fleet?" Darcy giggled, "You're really gonna pull that cliche movie line on me?"

"Oh, sorry."

"No need to be sorry, I was actually kinda enjoying it."

"Well," he continued, staring into her goldenrod eyes, "How many do you think there are?"

"Too many to count, that's for sure!"

"Nonsence!" he laughed, "Nothing's impossible! Here, let me help you!" He snuggled up next to her, and the two began. They stayed up late into the night, counting stars. It was the best moment of Darcy's life, why couldn't it have worked out?

"Hooves? Hooves, what did you want to talk to me about?" Derpy awoke from her memories to find herself in the mayor's office, standing in front of Mayor Mare.

"Oh, um," she stuttered, trying to remember why she had come," I wanted to talk to you about taking some time off work. Me and Dinky wanted to go on this camping trip-"

"Sorry, Derpster," the Mayor shrugged, "My hooves are tied! You know you're this town's only mailmare, and the mail always needs to be delivered on time...."

"PLEASE, MAYOR MARE!" Derpy pleaded, sounding like Dinky, "I really need this time to connect with Dinky! You remember the first time YOU went camping, don't you?"

"Dang it, Hooves!" she sighed, "This fic doesn't have enough TIME to go into another camping montage!"

"Oh, please, please PLEASE!" Derpy cried,

"Alright, Hooves," the Mayor sighed, "I suppose I could rehire Checker to handle your route...."

"Oh, THANK YOU!" Derpy screamed with joy. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Derpy bounced out of the mayors office with glee. Now for SURE she was going to spend some time with Dinky. Now, all she had to do was find a car to rent.

She got into her Jeep, but to her surprise, it didn't start. "This is impossible," she thought, "it ALWAYS starts!"

Derpy then continued her journey to find a car to rent on foot.

Finally, she came to a small car lot on Allen Avenue, called Ponyville Cadillac-Buick-Chevrolet. She knew this was her ex's lot, but after his dissapearance, she knew it was safe to enter it.

When she walked through it's large glass doors, she was greeted by a small dragon racing up to her. He was wearing a small pinstripe suit, and seemed very eager to please.

"Welcome to Ponyville C-B-C!" he said proudly, "what can I do to get you behind the wheel of a brand new car today?"

"And you would be?"

"Spike, Spike the dragon."

"Oh, no, no, no!" Derpy laughed, "I'm not here for a new car, I just want a rental."

Spike's enthusiasm deflated like a beach ball. "So, you're not seriously looking for a car?"

"Well, no...."

"HEY," called a voice cracked with age from the shadows, "AREN'T YOU THAT MARE FLEETWOOD MARRIED A FEW YEARS BACK?!"

"Yes, Eldorado," Derpy sighed, "it's me, Darcy!"

Eldorado stumbled out of the shadows, using a cane. "Well," he continued, his tone softening up, "nice to see you again! Sorry 'bout Fleet ripping you off, and all. So, why're ya here, if ya ain't looking for a car?"

"I was actually looking for a rental." she explained, "you see, I have this camping trip-"

"WHY DIDN'T YA SAY SO, GIRL?" Eldorado laughed, "I've got this Buick in the back with your name on it!"

He led her through a garage to a fenced-off lot, where he pointed to ten identical Buick Roadmaster Station Wagons parked in a row.

"Take your pick."

Derpy loved the number eight, so she picked number eight.

"This is really kind of you, Eldorado," she said nervously, "but what about gas mileage?"

"Screw gas mileage!" Eldorado fired back, "Dinky deserves a fun trip, and a nice car to get there in. Here," he then pulled out his wallet, "I'll pay for the gas."

Derpy was stunned. Eldorado had never been this nice to her, in fact, he was never nice to her AT ALL! When Fleetwood and her were married, he would always call her on her crossed eyes, and drop things on her from the roof, which made her hate his guts, but now, now that the marriage was over with, he was actually sympathetic!

"Why is he acting so.... nice?" she whispered to Spike.

"I told the poor guy he had a brain tumor!" Spike chuckled, "he actually fell for it! Now, he's trying to give his way into heaven!"

Derpy giggled at the idea, but deep down felt an urge to tell him what was going on. But that wasn't her priority anymore. She was all set, now all she had to do was pack. She felt her excitement building as she Eldorado handed her the keys to the Buick. This weekend would be amazing, she just knew it. Derpy pulled smoothly out of the lot, everypony staring at the shining car. She set off to pick up Dinky from school, and surprise her with the new transport.

Chapter Three: Shovin' Off

Chapter Three: Shovin' Off

Derpy awoke on friday to a knock on her door. She flung it open grogilly to reveal none other than the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Twist, and Pinkie Pie, all wearing hiking backpacks!

"Are you ready?" Pinkie Pie asked excitedly, bouncing up and down.

"What do you mean?" Derpy replied warily.

"Dinky said we could come!" Twist elaborated, spitting all over her as she spoke, "we packed ourselves, and we're ready to go!"

"Dinky!" Derpy called, "get over here!"

Dinky trotted over, a guilty look on her face.

"Dinky, is what they're saying true?"

The young unicorn nodded. "I thought it would be fun to have some friends come along," she explained, "please let them come! They even packed their own food!"

"Well," the cross-eyed pegasus sighed, "alright, they can come." She turned to the five arrivals. "Do you have your own tents loaded on the car?"

The five tag-alongs nodded.

"Alright then!" she continued in a more upbeat tone, "let me have some coffee and freshen up, and we'll be all set!"

Meanwhile, in Mustang Canyon, a different kind of journey was beginning. A stallion, covered in automotive grease, and wearing a torn suit stood on the side of the road, waiting for a car to flag down. He glanced briefly at his own car, which was at the bottom of the canyon, destroyed, and looked back to the highway. Finally, he spotted an ancient-looking Ford Model A sputtering along the highway.

"Hey, HEY!" he yelled, flailing his hooves to get the attention of the car, "I NEED A RIDE!"

The Model A stopped, and, tired, hungry and wet, the stallion got in.

"So, stranger," the old mare driving asked in a friendly manner, "Where ya headin'?"

"Ponyville."

"Oh, really? What's your name?"

"Fleetwood, Fleetwood Brougham."

"Alright, everypony!" Derpy called, trotting to the Buick, "All aboard for Camp Wanahoova!" She turned the key, and they were off, rumbling down the boulevard. The car began to pick up speed as they entered the freeway, and Dinky came up with an idea.

"Let's sing a roadtrip song!" she suggested, "Every roadtrip needs a song!"

"NO SONG."

Soon, they got off the freeway at the Bueller Interchange, and continued down Mill Road. They were all talking about what they would do when they got there, when Pinkie suddenly interrupted their daydreaming.

"Hey, somebody's standing on the side of the road!"

It was true. On the side of the road lay a tan pony with a brown mane, holding a sign that read "Provo", standing next to a stricken red Plymouth, it's radiator steaming, bright paint gleaming in the sunlight.

Derpy thought that this guy couldn't be that dangerous, so she pulled over next to where he stood, and let him in the car.

"Oh, thanks," he panted, hot from the weather, "I thought nopony was gonna stop! My name's Wilcox, by the way."

"Well, hello, Wilcox!" Derpy greeted cheerfully, "My name's Derpy, Derpy Hooves. Where are you headed?"

"Provo, Utah, ma'am."

"On the HUMAN side of the border?"

"That's the one!"

Pinkie and the kids seemed to be very shocked at the idea of being around so many humans.

"B-b-but," Twist sputtered, spitting again, "aren't you SCARED?"

Wilcox laughed. "Oh, no, not really, I'm just going there to pick up some parts for Christine."

Derpy was puzzled. "Who's Christine?" she asked curiously.

Wilcox pointed at the red Plymouth Fury that was dissapearing into the prairiebehind them. "That car, that's Christine. I hate to leave her out in the country,where someone could steal her, oh, that would be the DEATH of me!"

After the elaboration, everypony was stunned. This pony would go through the scorching desert, over the border, and even interact with their savage human neighbors, just for some car parts he could easily find at a local service station(Yes, in my world, there are still full-service gas stations!)!

Finally, Pinkie spoke up.

"We picked up a weirdo."

****

The landscape became lusher as they neared Plywood Mill number 2, where, for generations, the Brougham Family's traditional Le Trajet de'Lamour, or "The Journey of Love", would begin, and, unbeknownst to Derpy, this mill was one of the last places Fleetwood was seen. Everyone marvelled at the search that was going on, police cars lined the ridge by the mill, and ponies walked around, looking for something.

After the plywood mill came the redwoods, towering redwoods that had been very prestigious in the logging community, but Camp Wanahoova and the surrounding land was a national forest, untouched by the greed of the lumber industry. Soon, they neared a sign, a huge sign made of wood that read, "Welcome to Camp Wanahoova". As the travellers past under it, Derpy uttered two words:

"We're here!"

Chapter Four: The Wrong Turn and The Charger

Chapter Four

After a few days of pleasant camping, interrupted briefly by the Crusaders' attempt at earning their "Attempt-To-Have-A-Barbeque-And-Accidentally-Blow-Up-The-Propane-Grill" cutie marks, their time limit on the spot had expired.

The night they were slated to leave was quite hectic. There had been a huge party that invited all the campers, and Derpy had deemed herself "Too impared to drive", so Pinkie attempted to get them home. What could go wrong?

"No!" Wilcox cried, pointing out the window to a fork in the road they had just passed, "We were supposed to turn THERE!"

"Don't worry," Pinkie reassured him, "I've got this. How's the map going, Twist?"

"IT'S TOO DARK TO READ!"

For a long time, everyone argued on which way they should go, until Derpy announced that they would head North, back to Ponyville. What she didn't know is that they were travelling south.

"Wait a second," Derpy gasped, looking out the window, "We should've been in town by now!"

Pinkie shrugged. "Maybe we are? It's too dark to see anything....

"Pinkie, there are four good indicators that we're not in Ponyville. 1, there are no streetlights. 2, there are no other cars, even parked ones. 3, we would see buildings, even in the dark, and 4, SINCE WHEN DO CACTUSSES GROWN IN THE MIDDLE OF A CITY?!"

"Actually," Scootaloo corrected sleepily, stifling a yawn, "The correct plural is cactii."

Dinkie, who was getting agitated now due to lack of sleep, gave Scoot a hard stare.

"Does it look like she gives a shit, you worthless piece of poultry?"

"Dinky Seville Hooves!" Derpy gasped, putting her hoof over her foal's mouth, "Where did you learn such a language?!"

"From Grampa Eldo!"

The evening continued on like this, everyone arguing, until Pinkie parked on the side of the road, and everypony drifted off to sleep, quite uncomfortably in a car of 8 ponies and a trunk of camping equipment.

Derpy dreamt a nightmare that night. She was sprinting down a dirt road in a wood of dead trees, the highbeams of a car behind her, Dinky at her side.

She ran around a corner, and thought she was safe, until she finally saw the car clearly, a black Dodge Charger, catapult it'sself over  a hill, and slide around the corner. She kept up her hurried pace, but eventually, she just couldn't keep running. Her legs ached, and she was very short of breath. She thought it would catch them for sure, until she ran around a corner to come face-to-face with an unfamiliar light brown stallion with a dark brown mane.

He gave Derpy a look of sympathy, and directed his gaze toward the black Charger approaching rapidly from behind . He gritted his teeth in determination, and raced off toward it.

"Mr., don't do it!" Derpy pleaded, shielding her daughter's eyes, "He'll run you down!"

As soon as the Charger's front bumper made contact with the stallion, she was thrown back into reality. It was morning, she was laying down in the back seat of the Roadmaster. As she gazed outside, she saw that Pinkie and Wilcox were attempting to get the grill going, with the Crusaders all huddling around the map. Twist was playing her Nintendo DS, and Dinky was watching.

She opened the car door, and journeyed out to join them. As soon as she emerged from the massive rear-wheel drive machine, she was greeted by Dinky, who jumped onto her back, and gave her a hug.

"Good morning, mom!" she chimed, "Isn't it beautiful out here?" That reminded Derpy to check where they were. They were in a vast desert valley, the sun just emerging from some hills to the east. She didn't have time to get a better look at the scenery, she was too hungry.

"What's for breakfast?"

"Not much," Wilcox warned, "All we have left is some oatmeal, some frankfurters, and some orange juice." He then turned to Pinkie, who had finally lit the grill. "How much time do we have 'til mealtime, miss?"

"A few."

Wilcox was puzzled. "A few what?"

"A few."

"Minutes? Hours? DAYS?"

"Hold your horses! It'll be ready when it is!"

Wilcox quited down after that. In a few, they had a breakfast of sliced up hotdog, oatmeal with raisins, and orange juice. It wasn't fancy, but it was surprisingly delectable.

"Jeez, Pinkie Pie!" Applebloom exclaimed, "How do you do it?"

"I dunno," she shrugged, "I just do."

****

After breakfast, they got back in the car again, determined to get to the nearest town.

"Alright," Derpy explained, map in hooves, "Right now, I think we're on Highway 30. If we get to the nearest town, Apploosa, we can refuel, and then we'll head back! Is that okay with everyone?"

As they rode along, there was a silence, broken only by the sound effects from Twist's DS. As they got nearer to Apploosa, they found themselves stuck behind a car. Derpy decided to pass it, but waited until she saw the tell- tale swinging motion of the driver's hoof out the window, the signal that it was clear to pass.

As she headed into the opposite lane, she slowly overtook the other car, but was shocked to see another car, a black Charger, like the one in her nightmare in front of her, chugging along at about 30. For everypony's safety, she had to stay behind it.

Half an hour of 30 mph was about as much as everypony could take.

The foals in the back fidgeted uncomfortably, while Wilcox stared at his hooves. Pinkie, who was riding shotgun now, leaned over quickly, and slammed her hoof down on the horn to alert the Charger to speed up, but Derpy pushed her away.

"Come on!" she complained, "Why don't you pass him?"

They didn't understand, this could be the difference between life and death!

Wait a minute, maybe she was just nervous after the nightmare! Besides, the Dodge Charger WAS a fairly common car in Equestria, thanks to the cut-off of trade in 1982, which made all new cars have to be smuggled in. She was letting her fears get the best of her, that's all, right?

She began to speed up, getting closer to the Charger to let it's driver know she wanted to pass. The driver responded by waving his hoof out the window, which meant it was clear to go. As she rocketed past him, she caught a glimpse of the drivers face. He was a scrawny light gray stallion, with a bergundy mane, with a colt similar to him in the passenger's seat. This strange pony was no threat to her, he looked as if he could barely push the gas pedal! She sped off, doing 55 now, and left the nightmare behind.

Chapter Five: The Chase Is ON!

Chapter Five

A while more of driving brought the group to the Lunoco Truckstop, known as the "Big L", which was sold after the "Haywire incident" to a family of mules, after heavy damage was inflicted, which was too expensive for the Broughams to fix. As they rolled in, Derpy noticed a sign put up, "No diesel today, pumps broken, gas o.k."

She pulled the Roadmaster up to the gasoline service island, the car's tires ringing a bell via a wire on the ground, and a mule, who she guessed to be the service attendant ran out.

"Want me to look under the hood?" he brayed, sticking the pump nozzle into the tank, "You never know when you could break down...."

"Oh, it's okay," Derpy reassured him, "We'll be fine..." All of a sudden, a craving hit her like one of the trucks that had inhabited the stop just months before. "By the way, is the diner still operating? Mama needs some muffins!"

"Sure, right over there!" The attendant gestured to a building half-covered with plywood boards, which were replacing glass that had been shattered by machine gunfire. "But remember, no foals in the bar section."

The travellers entered the diner to see a motley selection of ponies being serviced. Some drank coffee, most drank beer. Derpy then saw a familiar red-maned cream mare carrying a tray of food over to two truckers at the counter.

"Hi, Roseluck!" she greeted her with a friendly wave in her direction.

To her surprise, her friend didn't wave back, and continued to the booth where the two truckers sat.

"She must be busy," she thought, "She's the only waitress here."

After a while, Roseluck DID notice them, and trotted over, smiling.

"Hey, Derpy!" she chimed, "Long time, no see! How're things with Fleetwood going?"

"We divorced...."

Roseluck looked like she had regretted asking. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I saw him this morning!"

"You did?!" Derpy was shocked. Fleetwood had been missing for two weeks, noone had seen him since Spike and Rarity's wedding.

"Sure did! He said something about hitchiking back to Ponyville. So, anyway, what'll you have?"

"Muffins," the blonde pegasus hissed, "And LOTS OF THEM!"

"Mom?" Dinky pointed out timidly, "You're letting your addiction run your life again!"

"NO, I'M NOT!" she retorted, "I CAN STOP ANY TIME I WANT TO!"

*Press 'Play' icon to listen to ambient music when you get to webpage*

As Derpy gorged herself with the bran muffins, and the rest of the group pecked at cereals, especially Scootaloo, a brown and gray shape tossed and turned in it's sleeping spot in a drainage ditch. As it turned out, Fleetwood hadn't left yet. He was waiting for a Greyhound that stopped at the Big L every Sunday, and had narrowly missed it when he arrived last Sunday. Great, now he had another whole weeek laid up in this dump!

He pulled himself out of the ditch, throwing his newspaper blanket off somewhere, and, straightening his tie, began walking over to the diner for a bite.

He was surprised as a gray pegasus with a yellow mane, with several foals, and two ponies whom he recognized as Wilcox and Pinkie Pie, were booted out of the restaraunt.

"WHAT?!" the pegasus challenged loudly, "I SAID I WAS GONNA PAY FOR THEM!"

"You were making a mess!" came a reply from inside.

Fleetwood couldn't believe it! This mare was Derpy, and she had his own daughter with him! He had to get a snapshot of her worst moment, crumbs smeared over her face, and report it to child services. That would be proof that she was an unfit mother! Plus, she was late on foal support! He took off running toward them, yelling "I WANT MY FOAL SUPPORT!"

"RUN!" Derpy hustled her kids into the station wagon, and took off down the road. Some bum in a suit who looked a lot like Fleetwood had begun to chase them. She was relieved as she put some distance between them.

Fleetwood knew he had to act fast, so he devised a plan: Hijack the next car to pass, and give chase. As he spotted a Prius, he decided to wait for the next car after THAT.

Finally, a suitable ride came lumbering down the road: A black 1968 Dodge Charger R/T. The stallion who owned it should've been ashamed of himself, he was using a 375 Ponypower BEAST as a grocery getter! It deserved to be driven fast and hard, what it was designed to do. He ran out into the street, and pulled out a few thousand bits.

"GET OUT," he commanded, handing the scrawny stallion driving the money, "This oughtta cover the cost of your car!"

"But," he replied, pointing to a colt who was sitting next to him, "How will I get my son to his birthday party?"

"FIGURE IT OUT...."

He threw the stallion and his son out ,Detroit-style, and took off toward Derpy.

Derpy gazed in her mirror to find the nightmare had come true. The Charger was barreling down on them, but there was a different driver. Wait, was that Fleetwood?

"Oh, no...."

"What's wrong?" Dinky asked innocently.

"Your father wants foal support again...."

"Don't worry, miss," Wilcox reassured her, "Just stomp on the gas, and he'll disappear. We've got an LT1 V-8, a 'Vette motor!"

"So? A LOT of GM cars have detuned Corvette motors!"

"I never said it was DETUNED..." he smirked.

The old desert highway was alive with the roar of engines as the two machines sped along, kicking up dust that blew across the road.

Telephone poles looked like a picket fence.

The lines on the road were one yellow stripe.

Everything besides the two cars seemed like a blur to their inhabitants.

"He's moving up!" Pinkie warned, "JEEZ, how much power does he have? Is he crazy?"

When Fleetwood got within bumping range, the Crusaders, who were in the rear-facing seat in the back of the wagon, had the mistake of taunting him.

"Come ON!" Scootaloo jeered, making a face at him, "You can't handle a car like that, you Frank Sinatra wannabe, you don't have the GUTS to ram us-"

The brown pegasus responded instantly by pulliong out into the opposite lane to pass. He pulled up alongside them, and signaled for Derpy to roll down her window.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, FLEET?" she yelled over the sound of the wind, "I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOUR FOAL A DECENT VACATION!"

"THAT'S JUST IT, DARCE!" he explained, holding up a deed that read, "Divorce Agreement" with the hoof that wasn't on his steering wheel, "IT'S MY WEEKEND! AND I NEED MY FOAL SUPPORT, WHERE'S MY FOAL SUPPORT?!"

"Meeh, foal support, foal support!" Pinkie mimicked, "I need my foal support, I want my foal support! Where's the foal support?"

Twist erupted in laughter, her braces making spit fly everywhere. The Crusaders and Dinky joined in, which made Fleetwood very mad, indeed.

"SEVILLE FLEETWOOD ELDORADO DEVILLE SEVILLE CALAIS HOOVES-BROUGHAM!" he yelled to Dinky, "YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO LAUGH AT YOUR FATHER! HE WORKS VERY HARD TO LOOK COOL!"

"Dad, my name is DINKY," she corrected, "My middle name is Seville."

"Well, at least I gave you a respectable na- MOTHER OF CELESTIA!"

Fleetwood turned his attention to the road, remembering that he was on the wrong side, to see an 18 wheeler coming right at him, like you would see in a Looney Tunes cartoon. He swerved to avoid it, and struggled to control the car, as he slid on the roadside desert, the massive Charger finally getting hung up in some dry desert bushes.

"NEXT TIME, MR. BROUGHAM," Wilcox suggested innocently as they passed, "TRY AND KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!"

"Fuck off, Wilcox...." he muttered, climbing out to look at the damage. The car was still in very good shape, with no damage sustained from the collision with the bushes, except a dirty coat of paint.

"I'll get you, Darcy," he promised, "And when I do, you're never gonna get your foal back, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE...."