Confide

by Leoshi

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Celestia, Sad
Length: 3907

Dearest Twilight. Please allow me a moment of your time.

Dearest Twilight. Please allow me a moment of your time.

Celestia finds herself regretting the fact that she has kept secrets from Twilight. In moments of weakness, she drafts letters to her student, revealing a larger part of her own story.

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Headcanon experiments. Each chapter covers a different segment of Celestia's history.

Published 2013-05-09 07:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-23 17:59:51 UTC

I Cannot Sleep

My dearest Twilight Sparkle,

I pray you will forgive the suddenness of this letter. Sleep and calm have eluded me for the last several days, in no small part due to the nature of upcoming events. As you are no doubt aware, the annual Summer Sun Celebration will be upon us soon, and this year, like countless others, has prompted an undesired surge of memories better left forgotten.

I feel as though I might burst. Please, allow me some of your time so that I may confide in you.

In all the years you have spent under my guidance, I have given you pieces of my own history in order to strengthen your own resolve, normally in response to times of crisis. However, I’ve been careful to provide only the basest of facts needed to stir you and your friends into action. It seems rather manipulative of me in hindsight; please understand my intentions were pure. My point is that I have never connected all those base facts to one another, filling in the blanks left in between their occurrences.

Looking back now, it rather seems as though you’ve gone through my failures from present to past. You discovered your greatest assets during the Night Eternal not long ago, and then later you overcame Discord. Then came the return of the Crystal Empire and the malicious King Sombra. All events that I have personally involved myself in ending, you’ve involved yourself in a reverse sequence.

As you know, Equestria as a kingdom has equal ground with the Crystal Empire. But over the centuries, the Empire has deferred to the authority here in Canterlot in matters of all kinds. This, of course, applies mainly for the rule of my niece and your brother. However, the same was true when the Empire was overtaken by King Sombra - he, too, was granted reign by a power higher than his own.

Sombra was allowed total control over the Crystal Empire by Discord, who saw it as a wonderful convenience and nothing more. Discord, by extension, spread his gleeful chaos across the remainder of Equestria. And when they fell to the might of Harmony, Nightmare Moon arose and put both of their efforts to shame by enacting the Eternal Night.

I cannot begin to transcribe the details here, so let me be as brief as I can.

King Sombra was our very first adversary. Luna and I had been a part of the struggles of the Crystal Empire for a long time before we finally stood up against him. His strength and attitude was very straightforward, as you probably experienced when he returned some time ago. With the aid of the local crystal ponies, Luna and I were able to discover the origin of the Elements of Harmony.

Ah, I apologize. I’ve never told you the birthplace of the Elements was the Crystal Empire, have I? Perhaps I’ll tell you that adventure in great detail some other time.

Sombra fell to our enhanced power, and his heart was so far beyond the grasp of Harmony that his entire form shifted into shadow. Using the strength granted us, Luna and I ventured forth to Discord’s lair, using the same power on him. And while Sombra was so disconnected from the world that he become not of it, Discord’s very spirit was to the world, and so became encased in stone. These feats you already know.

With Discord’s influence hidden from the world, but not cleansed, Luna and I assumed responsibility of Equestria. We had always known it to be our destiny, but again, that’s a story for another time. Needless to say, after years of ruling Equestria in an unsteady peace, Luna’s jealousy of my sun malformed her into the Nightmare Moon you faced.

But still, you probably only know that I attempted to reason with my sister, and not Discord or King Sombra. I can tell you that I most certainly did, and I most certainly failed.

You are no doubt wondering why I am telling you all of this. Why you, why now, and why in this letter rather than face-to-face. The answer isn’t simple to merely explain, but I hope you will understand it nonetheless.

You see, Twilight Sparkle...I am nervous. I’ve stepped very carefully as your mentor over the years, cautiously guiding you down the path I knew was meant for you. And the troubling fact that I cannot dismiss is that you are not the first pony I have tried to guide.

I pleaded with my sister to lower the moon, but the nature of my gift blinded her. I failed her.

I reasoned with Discord to change his ways, but lacked the insight needed to sway his view. I failed him.

And Sombra...dear Twilight, have you ever wondered what Sombra was like, before he became a tyrant? He was much like you - talented, resourceful, respected. He went by a different name when he understood peace, and his works are still felt and used today. In fact, legions of his scrolls and volumes of his work are kept in a secure wing of the archives here in Canterlot.

You see, before he was King Sombra, tyrant ruler of the Crystal Empire...he was Starswirl the Bearded, greatest spellwright in the history of Equestria. His understanding of magic as a tangible force went far beyond that of any of his peers. He succeeded them all in knowledge and power, and in doing so, alienated himself from the peace into which he was born. In fact, it was his efforts that gave the Crystal Empire the innate magic it now wields, which can be spread to all corners of Equestria. He had a personal influence on the city’s power.

Starswirl craved knowledge and power, and at first I encouraged him. His thirst for knowledge was not unlike your own. However, I ignored the warning signs that come up later on. He began to work diligently on extremely complex spells. He skipped meals. Several times, I caught him working with arcane lines, and so focused was he on his goal that he was using his own body as a canvas for lines, owing to the lack of space in his quarters. Yet I ignored these disturbing changes in him, fooling myself into trusting his judgement. I reasoned that his work had brought about the happiness and prosperity of the crystal ponies, so whatever work he had must have been noble.

Nopony but Luna and I know who he really was. I’m telling you this, Twilight, because I failed him too. Just as I failed Discord and Luna after him. Just as I am terrified I may fail you, as well.

My experiences make me a wise ruler; I do not doubt this. But it is these same experiences that keep me up at night. They cause me to react harshly to the smallest threats. They glorify my view of my own status, and give me excuses to overlook more warning signs. If anything, I am worse an individual now than I was centuries ago. I am a wonderful ruler, but a horrible pony.

Every year, as the Summer Sun Celebration graces us, I feel these awful memories surge forth like waves made of hornets. The Celebration was birthed upon Equestria’s liberation from Discord, a reminder that my efforts were better than others. Ponies all over the world celebrate the virtues of harmony, yet the parties fall deaf in my ears and my mouth goes stony at the food.

When I stood against the enemies of pony kind, I was so assured that what I was doing was the right thing. Over the years, however, I’ve come to doubt that. And that doubt has turned to regret, and now it comes as fear.

But I do not need anything from you in response to this confession. In fact, I feel a little calmer, having written down the demons of my past for another to share. I do not ask for you to offer advice on friendship to help settle my nerves. I do not ask that you come to my side and offer an ear for further confessions - and believe me, there are many to be heard. Unlocking those secrets, however, is not a burden I wish to place upon you. It’s bad enough that you have read this letter at all.

All I ask, Twilight Sparkle, is that you understand. For over a thousand years, the story of my life has been segmented and fed in pieces to those who could actually make a difference. I have told you base facts about my adventures, because I knew that you could provide a solution - a cure to the problems that I could only soothe.

I ask that you understand why I’ve told you this. My story is long and involved, and extremely distressing to those who have had a small part in it. You’ve been a big part of my eternal life these recent years, and I feel like I can trust you with this. But I fear that I am trusting you in the same way I trusted Starswirl or Luna.

So please, Twilight, my student, my successor...my friend. Please understand that if you feel the need to push yourself harder, I wish to be involved. Please understand that darkness and evil can seep into the most beloved of peers, and that not even kin is safe when the will is strong enough. Please understand that I respect your knowledge and skill, yet fear the potential you wield. Please understand these fears, which I have felt far too many times in my life.

Above all, please understand that my story needed to be told, if only these small chapters of it.

Yours,
Princess Celestia, Diarch of Equestria

Author's Note

!Disclaimer!: Hasbro won't return my calls or reply to my over-the-top letters promising indentured servitude. So I still cannot claim any rights to the show. You'll need to ask them, Theisson, Faust, and the Hub for the rights. Good luck - maybe they'll take your calls instead!

Just a quick practice that I wanted to get out. This chapter mainly focuses on Celestia's fear over the potential of her student, which stems from her failures to help Luna, Discord, and Starswirl. In this universe, Starswirl the Bearded eventually became King Sombra.

Not Creators, Only Timekeepers

My dearest Twilight Sparkle,

I hope I am not disturbing you with this letter. I understand that communication between us has lessened since your coronation, and I’ve no doubt that you are spending your time well with your own set of tasks. It goes without question that you have a checklist nearby from which I am now distracting you. My apologies.

My student, I must admit, the months of constant peace have been a welcome change for me and my colleagues here in Canterlot. Though we are all happy to be free from crisis (until the next one, of that I have little doubt), I confess that sometimes I feel as though the afternoons are too quiet. And when I give the sky to my sister each night, I find myself spending more and more time just watching the dynamic change take place. And while it is, indeed, dynamic when the day turns to night, one must wonder how routine it must be for the rest of creation. The rest of the universe. Even for beings such as us, it’s refreshing to see that perspective put forth.

Refreshing, and in a way, depressing.

My student, before I go further, let me make one thing known: I am not asking for any help or advice. Just like my last letter to you, this one follows a rather sleepless night. I do not wish to trouble you with seeking answers to my questions (and this time they aren’t even those). You must understand that I’ve spent many centuries pondering the subject I’m about to present. The answers – or truths, in this case – are simply too elusive. It’s safe to say that they do not even exist.

However, I do welcome a factual discussion on the matter, should you wish to pursue one. If nothing else, it would be a wonderful excuse to have you visit the palace garden once more. The bloom is more vibrant this year than it has been in ten. You would love it.

Now then, dear student, while last time I expressed a subtle yet disturbing fear over your own potential (and I apologize if I angered you), tonight I wish to tell you about somepony else we both know. In fact, there are two. Ponies of great renown, who have risen to challenges in days long past, just as you and your friends have done these last few years. And yes, you know them quite well.

My sister and I.

Have you ever wondered, my student, how Luna and I came to possess such power? There have been several studies on both of us, trying to determine the core of our own magic. It’s not unlike the typical magic tapped by unicorns, yet at the same time, it is a mutation. In fact, the powers of Discord are also similar to our own, but his are admittedly more refined. He is truly unique, in every sense of the word.

But I digress. I’m discussing magic, not a mischievous draconiquus.

The studies, as I’ve said, have shown that the magic granted to Luna and myself is a mutation of typical unicorn magic. Similar on the surface, yet different beneath. Like us, any unicorn could perform feats of nature that would make her the envy of her peers, as long as her instruction was good. Even we, the Royal Sisters, required some instruction before we were able to manipulate an object through telekinesis. Or even fly, as embarrassing as it is to admit.

In many respects, we two are similar to your friend Rarity. Or the local doctors that dot the landscape. Even that showmare you told me about would show just as much understanding as me, were she guided in the finer points of magic. (Though between you and me, it sounds like she could also stand to learn a little tact!) So where do the differences lie?

When a unicorn uses too much of his or her magic, exhaustion sets in. The mind simply cannot handle the strain. The same can’t be said for me or for Luna – our bodies and minds are more highly attuned to our power. ‘Millennium of mastery’ and all that. But to what extent, you ask? Yes, my student, I know you’re asking yourself that.

If I were to use too much magic, and continue using it, I would vanish. I’m not sure if I would die, but I’ve been assured by minds greater than my own of this fact. Princess Celestia would simply cease to be. It might as well be death.

What’s more, the strain that ordinary unicorns feel would go unnoticed by me. One moment, I would be casually turning a page in a book – the next, the book would fall with nopony to read it. I would be pushing myself ever closer to my own doom without any warning of it. And for all of this, the same applies to my sister.

But do not fear, my student. Both Luna and I have learned to pace ourselves in our casting. Besides, our ‘millennium of mastery’ has granted us a nigh-unending pool of magic from which to call. In reality, I would need to be moving the sun and moon without rest for about fourteen days before I ever came close to my end.

Yet still, there is one more difference between us and others that is worth noting. In fact, I can say it’s a difference between me and you, or me and Princess Cadence. That fact is you and she are also different than Luna and I – you two would also experience exhaustion if you pushed yourselves too hard. Regardless of your link to the Element of Magic, Cadence’s home in the magic-infused Crystal Empire, or either of your alicorn ascensions, you would simply pass out before you came close to death. In a way, you are lucky.

That, my student, is the extent of the differences. Which leads to your next question, I’m sure…where is the origin of those differences?

Before I continue, I must apologize again. This is yet another story I’ve failed to tell you, and I genuinely wish it were under better circumstances that I tell you now. Something about you just makes me more comfortable with telling my stories. I hope you understand that, regardless of what this story will make you think of me.

The reason I am able to call upon such magic, and why I would disappear if I were to use too much of it, is because of how I was born. The same can be said of Luna. However, ‘born’ is the wrong term to use, as it implies we had a mother and father. This simply isn’t true.

My student, we were never born. We were created. And unlike those intriguing religions found in some history books, we did not witness the beginning of time itself. We are not the creators – merely the timekeepers.

Harmony existed in this world long before we did. Discord began his reign before we first drew breath. Cultures of earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi had all convened and survived before either of us first felt the warmth of the sun or the chill of snow. Some had even thrived on their own, long before our guidance and protection was necessary.

We were created out of desperation. A mix of magic and wishful thinking. We are the products of a ritual that was only practiced once. And it was only through our creation that we were able to so easily overpower the evils beset by Discord. It was years before we were able to defeat Discord himself, or even King Sombra for that matter. I still feel a knot of guilt for losing Starswirl the Bearded like that, but not so for my actions against Discord. The actions taken to win Equestria, both Luna’s and my own, gave us purpose. We existed to make life better, to make it thrive. To stop it from being so hard and horrible under Discord’s rule.

And that, dear student, is the origin of the differences. We were created for the sole purpose of defeating someone else. We never found a purpose like a regular pony; we were given one. Borne of magic, taught by tribes, instructed by philosophy and archaic science…we are not just uncommon. We are more than rare. Like Discord before us, we are unique.

I am a monster. My sister is a monster. By the natural order of things, neither of us should exist. We are the mutations.

Yet here I sit in a palace of gold, steel, and marble, writing to my greatest student about the nature of magic and the facts of my not-birth. I look around now, and I see the spoils of wisdom and plenty. A desk, cut from the finest redwood on this side of the mountain. An ink well, fashioned from gold mined from the frontier. A set of candlesticks, red with trimmings of orange and gold to symbolize the sunrise. A fireplace, lined on either side by a white-gold metal grate. Beyond my door, vigilant guards who are thankfully bored. And later today, I’ll enjoy a lovely meal, another typical day of court, a quiet stroll through the gardens, a meeting with the nobility, and perhaps a chance see the dynamic shift from day to night once more.

Do I deserve any of this? Should a creature like myself enjoy such leisurely walks and fancy meals? By what right have I earned the sun and Equestria, when I was literally made to have them? Or maybe I was made to simply overpower Equestria’s enemies, but I took the throne when the mood struck. Who is to say? Those who knew are all dead.

Sometimes I wish I could go through all my magic and die, just so I could ask them. But that would not get me anything – only silence fills the grave. As I said in the beginning, the answers are elusive. The truth is elusive. It ceased to exist many, many centuries ago. Those who had it were all claimed by time’s ever onward march.

Perspective, my student. Time is a greedy thing. Even this letter to you will one day cease to exist.

And speaking of time, I find myself short of it. The day’s tasks beckon. I leave you in much the same way I did last time: by asking that you understand.

My student, please understand that these questions are my own. Even Luna doesn’t share them. As such, the quest for answers is and was my own. But those questions simply do not exist anymore. If knowledge is power, then time is the tyrant ruler who jealously burns it all.

Please understand that these facts are shared with you because, like last time, I was ready to burst with my own feelings. I don’t need or want anything other than a shoulder to lean on during this time of weakness. Don’t feel compelled to make things better, since I know that’s your nature. It is appreciated, but unnecessary.

Please understand that this is just another small chapter of my expansive life. It may not be fair to tell you the beginning after last time (or indeed to keep telling you anything like this), but I personally feel like you deserve it. Whatever truths I can give to you, I will share. And like this one, some of those stories are disturbing and may change your opinion of me.

Finally, please understand that I hold no illusions about what Luna and I have accomplished in our time. The unhappiness under Discord, the turmoil under King Sombra, and the tyranny under Nightmare Moon are all events in history that are happily over. Despite my questions about my creation, I know we have done good and fair by our subjects. And though I sometimes wonder about change or my death, I could never bring myself to seek it out. There is too much here, now, that is simply too important to me. The truths I have now are far more valuable than any truth I could find among the ashes of time.

Yours,
Princess Celestia, Diarch of Equestria

Author's Note

!Disclaimer!: Now that I'm stuck in a cramped apartment, I've come to realize something. The only ponies I *want* to own are those collectible ones that I can display on my desk. I've got nine of those, but none of them are my own creation. If you want to ask the owners, go track down Faust, Theisson, and ~~Hasbro~~ Discovery Family.

This was more than practice - I genuinely wanted to write this one. I've been stuck inside my own headcanon since watching Rainbow Rocks, and this has been a refreshing way to let loose with my imagination.

This chapter mainly focuses on Celestia's and Luna's immortality, and seeks to explain why they cannot age while Twilight and Cadence can.