Marine in Equestria

by jak3combat

Rating: mature
Tags: Death, Human, Main 6, Applejack, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Romance, Changelings, Sex, Profanity, Adventure, Violence, Crossover
Length: 206512

All I had to do was destroy a bomb. Simple stuff. Instead, I was blown up and ended up in a world full of pastel talking ponies...

It was supposed to be a normal, routine mission for me. Get in, defuse or blow up the IED, and get out without dying. Funny thing, I did the opposite, and now some mysterious entity is sending me somewhere else because I died..

Arc 1: Mark's Journal
Arc 2: ???
(More may come)

I am so sorry for making you all read my abomination that somehow got popular. I'm letting you know right now this shit gets weird later on.

Published 2013-11-07 18:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2024-04-01 06:35:14 UTC

Friggin Pegasi!

"Good job, Mark. Not even an hour here and you've already been knocked out." Timeithian rumbled out at me as I stood in the void again. I opened my mouth, only to realize that I couldn't talk. "Use your mind; you can't really speak when you're not dead." He offered, making me roll my eyes.

'Yea, well I don't even know where the hell I am!' I countered, folding my arms.

"You're on my home world, in the land of Equestria. I was going to make you find out without my help, but I've decided that you've been hurt enough." He answered, and I could bloody tell the bastard was grinning.

'Bloody hell... Explains the talking filly, then...' I grumbled.

"Ah, you've already met Applebloom, correct? She's very sweet, and doesn't judge anypony by what they look like." Timeithian rumbled, chuckling.

'anyPONY?!'

"Yes, anyone, someone, everyone, and nobody in your language are anypony, somepony, everypony, and nopony in ours. If you want to get accepted faster, you better start switching your words to fit ours. And don't go 'Grammar Nazi' on me."

'I'll go insane...' I groaned.

"Well, 'twas fun talking to you, but you're waking up now. Try and don't fuck up the ponies that're around you at this second." Timeithian rumbled, and the black turned to static, before my eyes started slowly forcing themselves open. The first thing I saw was Applebloom, who was glaring at what looked like a cyan Pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail.

'If I was on Earth, that Pegasus would automatically be pegged as gay.' I thought, before groaning a little.

"What the hay, Rainbow Dash?!" She yelled, before turning to me, eyes watery.

"I'm... Not dead, at least..." I groaned, feeling liquid trickle down my forehead and onto the back of my helmet. The Pegasus chuckled hesitantly, rubbing the back of her, I think, head with a fore hoof, looking down at the ground and away from us.

"Heh... Sorry about that..." She muttered, barely loud enough for me to hear.

"It's fine... At least you didn't split open my head..." I groaned, gently getting Applebloom off of me before sitting up. The liquid that was pooling in my helmet ran down my neck and instantly started soaking my shirt, as the trickle ran down my face slowly.

"Oh, Ah think ya should get that checked out..." Applebloom said, looking up at my face.

"Let me get my helmet off, first..." I groaned, twisting it back and forth. A gasp from above made me figure that this Rainbow Dash thought my helmet was attached to my body. As I took my helmet off, I slowly cracked my neck and took out my knife, getting a low growl from Rainbow Dash and a slight whimper from Applebloom.

"You got five seconds to put the knife down!" Dash shouted, tensing up.

"Relax... Just seeing my face with it..." I muttered, tilting the knife to where I could see my reflection in the dying light. I winced at what I saw.

'Damn dude, you were lucky you didn't hit the bloody pole with your neck.' I thought to myself, as I saw that my forehead was effectively split open, leaking blood as I watched.

"I'll be fine, I just need this wrapped up." I said to them, putting up my knife and pulling out the water from earlier, before tilting my head back and pouring the contents over my face. It stung like hell, but I only winced and cleaned it out as best as I could.

"What're ya'll doing?" Applebloom asked, confused.

"Cleaning the gash out, so I can see how bad the gash really is." I replied, wiping my head off with a gloved hand, not really paying attention to the blood on it.

"Oh man..." I heard Rainbow Dash mutter, while Applebloom looked concerned.

"Would ya'll be mad if ah'd get ma sister?" She asked, looking up at me.

"Go ahead, I'm not complaining." I replied. Applebloom nodded and half ran inside, leaving me alone with the fruity looking Pegasus.

"Um... Like I said before... I'm sorry..." She said again, landing near me and rubbing her head with a fore hoof some more.

"It's fine. And I have a question, to clear my mind of this; are you a lesbian?" I asked, leaning back.

"Heh. Not like I get that almost every day... No, I'm not a lesbian, just grew up with these colors." She scowled.

"Well you're lucky I'm not like other humans; they'd peg you for being one automatically and treat you like one, not caring about your feelings." I explained, looking around my person for something to entertain myself while I waited. I remembered my iPod, and grinned as I took it out, stuck an ear bud into my ear, and started playing Hollywood Undead: Another Way Out.

"What're you doing?" She asked, but stopped as I cut her off with a hand.

"I'm listening to music. I'll show you later, if you want." I replied, earning a salute. I chuckled, causing her to look a little confused.

"What's so funny?" Another Southern voice asked, a little older than Applebloom's, yet still feminine.

"Well..." I started, but I trailed off when I saw who asked. "Um..." I mumbled, not able to form any actual words, other than stare at the fact that a goddess, who looked like a pony, had come out of the house.

"What?" She asked, causing me to blush.

"Nothing... Gorgeous..." I muttered, rubbing the back of my head. Apparently she heard me, as she backed up a little and blushed hard too.

Author's Note

This is an author's Note.

More Concussions

“…..”

‘I don’t want to bloody hear it!’

“Twice in a bloody day. What’s next, you get incapacitated by a certain wall-eyed mailmare?”

‘Oh don’t you dare go on and bloody predict my incapacitations!’

“I do what I want to. I’m the Prince of Death, after all.”

‘Fucking ponies…. Alright, who the hell knocked me out this time?’

“From what I can tell through your memories, a pink party pony named ‘Pinkie Pie’ did it. She always gives me a bloody headache whenever I’m around her…” He said after a moment.

‘Since when in the fuck did you have a British accent, by the way?’

“There’s a certain pony around here who pretty much made the accent grow upon me. And I’m not just the Prince of Death in this pane of existence; I’m dubbed ‘Death’ on your plane, too.”

‘… Bloody inter-dimensional and invincible ponies….’

“Pretty much, yea. You do realize that me and the Princesses do have to be reborn every century, though?”

‘That's... Odd.'

“Yes, it is quite taxing, although Celestia does look absolutely adorable when she wakes up the first time. Never fails.”

'So what would happen if you don't do the reborn thing?’

“Nothing much, just look old and crappy.”

‘Wait, why in the hell are you telling me this, anyway?’

“Eh, I like you, human. Can’t say that I like a lot of beings, so that is considered a complement. And when they come to kill you, tell them I brought you into the world.”

‘Fine, I gu- wait, what?!’

“This commercial is now over, please enjoy the following bat-shit random stuff until you wake up.” Timeithian stated, before strobe lights danced in front of my face and I was currently inside a ring, wearing a boxing outfit, and facing Chuck Norris.

“….I bloody hate this already.” I muttered. Then the scene changed to where I was in Terminator where the giant robot thing was shooting lasers out at the Resistance.

“Oh, look at that! Pinkie’s trying to wake you up. Do you wanna get up now, or later?” Timeithian asked suddenly, and everything went white.

‘Eh. As long as she doesn’t tackle me again.’ I thought, mentally shrugging.

“Alright, but you’ll have a very sore skull for a few hours.” He warned, before everything slowly turned into the image of the farmhouse I was lying in, and a Pink Abomination by the name of Pinkie Pie was yelling at me to wake up, tears in her eyes. When she saw my eyes squint in pain, she gasped and hugged me, somehow (I blame cartoon physics, even though I know I’m not in a cartoon), and grinned happily.

“Ohmygosh! I’m sooooooo sorry! I thought I killed you!!” She cried out, the first half barely understandable due to the speed it was shouted.

“Can’t…. Breath!” I gasped out, face turning redder than what my blood could do. Pinkie Pie gasped and let go of me, before bouncing a few feet away. I was confused by the fact that she could bounce, but shrugged it off and sat up, wincing as I felt a warm liquid slowly slide down my back for the second time in under four hours.

“Heh heh, sorry about that…” She muttered, her mane deflating (?).

“It’s fine, like I’ve said earlier to a Rainbow Dash, I’ve been hurt worse.” I replied, and her mane bounced back to full fluff, if that was remotely possible. “So, I take it you’re Pinkie Pie?”

“-gasp- How did you know my name?!” She cheerfully asked.

“A being that goes by the name Timeithian said so. Do you happen to know who he is?” I replied, starting to collect my suit again.

“Yep! He’s the Prince of Death! All he really does though is make it where it doesn’t hurt to die!” She said, bouncing around me.

“Hm. Well, he’s the reason as to why I’m here.” I replied, before looking around the room. “Could I get another cloth or some bandages?”

“Ah’ll go get ‘em.” Applejack, who I somehow didn’t notice, said, walking past me and going up the stairs. While she did this, I subconsciously picked up my M1911 and inspected it for damage, having a rather exceptional poker face while doing so.

“What’s that?” Pinkie Pie asked, bouncing over to me.

“Do you know what a weapon is?” I asked in return, getting a nod. “Alright, do you know what a bow is?” I asked again.

“Yep!” She replied, bouncing up and down. Applebloom looked interested too, as did Twilight, who I also just noticed.

“Well, it’s pretty much a small, metal bow. Instead of arrows, it shoots a bullet. Bullets are pretty much metal shells packed with some gunpowder and have a piece of metal covering it. When the firing pin, which is part of this gun, strikes the back of the shell, the gunpowder ignites, sending the front piece of metal forward.” I explained, sliding the magazine out and flicking a bullet out of said magazine to show them. “After firing, it automatically reloads and is able to fire a bullet again. Guns started off big, bulky, and unreliable, almost worthless when aiming at something over a hundred yards away.” I kept explaining, sliding the bullet back in and sliding the magazine back into the pistol.

“How many of these ‘bullets’ fit into that?” Twilight asked, very curious, even if she winced at the description.

“Eight. For this one, anyway. Other guns have more or less able to fit into the magazine.” I replied, putting the pistol down and stretching. A nudge from behind got me moving, and I accepted the roll of gauze held out (by mouth) to me from Applejack.

“Here ya’ll go.” She said, blushing a little when I smiled at her. I then wrapped the long strip of gauze around my head, the blood leaking from my skull turning it red almost immediately.

“Thanks. I really should get some sleep, though. Without being knocked out to get it, either.” I said, slowly standing up and collecting my stuff.

“Well… We don’t have a spare room for ya’ll…” Applejack said, rubbing her head.

“Alright then, I can sleep on the couch.” I said, and while she protested, I lied down on said couch, using my vest for a pillow, and quickly fell asleep.

Author's Note

The M1911 actually only fits in seven .45 bullets, but the one Mark uses has a slightly extended magazine to fire eight.

Just Let Me Help!

My first two actual days that I spent awake on Sweet Apple Acres (Applejack proudly told me where we were) were enjoyable. The first one was spent just lazing around, eating the food that Granny Smith brought to me to bring back my strength. And I’m not going to lie, my eyes released liquid pride when I took my first bite of a Sweet Apple Acres apple. The next day, I felt good enough to finally pull my own weight, in the form of helping during what they call ‘Applebuck Season’.

“But ya’ll don’t need to do anything!” Applejack protested, frowning up at me.

“I’m not gonna be a lazy arse during my stay. I’m helping, and that’s bloody final.” I deadpanned, frowning right back. We had a staring contest for a while, before Applejack finally sighed and nodded in defeat.

“Fine…. Ah guess ya’ll can help… Could really use the extra hooves.” She muttered.

“Don’t have hooves, they’re called hands.” I replied, before picking up a bushel of apples and walking back to the barn with her. It was heavy, but I didn’t bitch and followed her, glad to finally be able to get exercise again. Placing the wooden bucket down, I stretched my back and followed Applejack back to another tree.

“Ya’ll want to try?” She asked, looking at me.

“Eh, why not?” I shrugged, before kicking the tree higher than Applejack did, getting pretty much none of the apples down.

“Huh. Ya’ll don’t have leg muscles like Ah do, do ya?” Applejack asked, looking at me.

“Nope, ponies have a lot of differences when compared to humans. You so more than my world’s ponies.” I replied, standing up and picking up a bucket. We repeated the process of bucking the apples, storing them, and repeating all day, stopping only for a lunch break at noon. Needless to say, I was bloody tired at the end of it.

“Here’s the pay ya’ll get for today.” Applejack said, shoving a pouch into my hands.

“I can’t accept all of this, you’re halfway paying me by letting me stay here.” I protested, only pocketing half of the ‘bits’ that she forced upon me. Applejack protested, needless to say.

“Honestly, Applejack. It’s not like I’m gonna go into town and buy stuff, anyway! For one, the ponies in town might be very afraid of me, and I have all that I need right here at Sweet Apple Acres. Food, shelter, and company.” I replied, as Applebloom came up and discreetly took it for me, while I acted like I gave up and pocketed it. Applejack grinned in triumph and trotted off, and when she was out of earshot, I kneeled down and rubbed Applebloom’s head.

“Ya’ll sure ya don’t want the bits?” She asked, looking up at me in confusion.

“Like I told your sister. I don’t need a full day’s pay because I consider the hospitality you all are giving me more than enough. I’m just taking the money to keep her from tying me up and forcing it upon me.” I replied, running my fingers through her mane gently. “Now, go along and put that bag up wherever ya’ll keep your money, just watch out for AJ.” I added, grinning mischievously.

“Okay!” Applebloom said, sneakily bounding away to go put the money back. I smiled and got up, before smelling myself and recoiling.

‘Note to self; go get a bloody shower before dinner…’ I thought, frowning. As I went inside, Applejack came back up to me with a confused look.

“Hey, Mark. Ya mind tellin’ me what ya’ll meant earlier by ‘more so than yer world’s ponies’?” She asked. I sighed and nodded.

“Over dinner. I would rather have to explain only once than more than once. Alright?” I said.

“Alright. Ah’ll hold ya’ll to that promise.” She replied.

[Dinner]

“So, care to tell us about yer world’s ponies?” Applejack suddenly said, Granny Smith, Big Macintosh, and Applebloom looking at me in interest. I dreaded to see their reactions, but I promised and I keep them when I can.

“Alright. You know how you all act, right?” I started, getting nods from all around. “Well, my world doesn’t have ponies like you. In fact, the only beings that act like you all is my race. We’re the only beings that can fully think for themselves, and that means that the ponies where we come from are wild or domesticated animals. Most of them are just pets.” I explained, getting shocked reactions.

“But… How’s that possible?! We ponies are really smart!” Applebloom said, frowning.

“Here, yes. Where I’m from, which we humans have called ‘Earth’, ponies are like cats or something. Some of us may call them stupid, but in my opinion, no animal is stupid, no matter how it behaves.” I continued. “Some humans treat animals like shit, but as you can tell, I’m not even close to being one of said humans. Most humans treat animals decently, though.”

“Well… Ah figure yer alright, Ah guess…” Applejack finally said, causing me to look relieved.

“Yea, sometimes I value different species more than other humans.” I replied, causing AJ to blush and look away. I smirked and picked up an apple, taking a bite out of it. “Now since we got that out of the way…” I started.

“Let’s eat!” Applebloom finished, before chomping down on an apple, grinning as she let out a large burp.

[later]

“Hate to tell you this, but Celestia now knows about you.” TImeithian said, scaring the hell out of me.

‘Now you’re in my bloody dreams?!’ I thought, annoyed at him.

“Nah, you’re just unconscious right now. Asked Luna to do it. You owe me something now, since I owe her.” He said.

‘Why the bloody hell do I owe you something? Shouldn’t I owe this Luna?’ I asked.

“Because Luna won’t easily stand up to Celestia. Really, the only chance you have against her is to wait until she has to be reborn, which is in ten days. If she comes to Sweet Apple Acres before then, run. Run, and don’t get caught by the Day Guard. You’ll be able to recognize them, due to the fact that all of them are white stallions with golden armor. The ones with almost purple armor, grey coats, and can make you shit yourself are the Night Guard, Luna’s Royal Guard division. Night Guards are neutral towards you, and will pretend as if they didn’t see you. Mine are known as Death Guards, and are actually very nice, even though they’re named after my profession. They’re red stallions and mares, and wear white armor. If one finds you, I have personally ordered them to keep you hidden as best as possible without actually helping you directly.” He explained.

‘So, in summary; watch out for white stallions with golden armor, don’t shit self in front of grey stallions with purple armor, and red ponies with white armor are alright to approach.’ I said, hoping to confirm this.

“Yes. Although, it would be wise to at least try and keep away from the Night Guard, Celestia will more than likely make Luna tell them to hunt you down too. She knows I will openly refuse to, since I’m strictly neutral in all ‘Royal’ conflicts. And you count as a royal conflict.”

‘Well… Shit.’ I muttered.

“Could be worse. She could take the time to personally hunt you down if you escape, but she knows I won’t do Royal work and Luna can’t do everything.” He offered, making me frown.

‘How could I get away from her, anyway?’ I asked.

“You know Twilight, right?” He asked.

‘Yea, I know her. Spent the end of my first shower being interrogated by her about humans.’

“Well, Twilight is Celestia’s protégée. You’ll think of something, considering that Celestia won’t let anything happen to her, and I’ll leave you to think up the rest. Have a good dream, you’ll probably need it.” He explained, before I felt myself slip off into an actual slumber.

Author's Note

Progress!

Figures

About a week after the ‘visit’ from Timeithian, I had another unexpected visit in the form of Twilight Sparkle.

“Hey, Mark! Princess Celestia is coming to meet you today before lunch!” She chirped as I was preparing to go and work some more with Applejack.

“Um, are you sure she’s here to meet me?” I nervously asked, remembering what Timeithian told me.

“Yea, I’m pretty sure.” Twilight said, frowning at my worried face.

“Ya’ll be fine, sugarcube. Ah’m sure she just wants to meet ya.” AJ said. “We don’t have much left to harvest, so ya’ll can take a break an’ get ready.” I slowly nodded, before going back inside.

“When is she coming?” I asked Twilight, who followed me inside.

“In about ten minutes.” She replied.

“Alright, can you help me get this on? It’ll take less time with you helping.” I asked as I put on my bulletproof vest, the first layer of my suit besides my fatigues.

“Why? Isn’t that thing hot?” She asked, tilting her head. I sighed and looked down at her.

“Twilight, I may be wrong, but I have a feeling that this visit isn’t to get to know me. If I am wrong though, it might be best to at least be in my natural element.” I explained, unloading my pistol before putting it in the holster and putting the magazine into
a pouch made for them.

“Fine…” She groaned and followed my instructions with her magic, helping me put the suit on.

“Thanks. Looks like we finished just in time, too.” I said once I was suited up, flicking the visor down, covering my face up. Twilight frowned at my hidden face, but brightened up instantly when the door opened. In walked this white Unicorn/Pegasus combination with a multicolored mane and tail that was unnaturally flowing, as if there was a constant, undetectable breeze around them, and the pony came up to my shoulder, save for the mane.

“Princess Celestia!” Twilight exclaimed, grinning. Celestia only frowned, before looking behind her as the Day Guards Timeithian told me about filed into the farmhouse, blocking the front door.

“I told you, Twilight.” I said bluntly, backing up slowly, drawing my pistol and sliding a magazine into it.

“But, Princess Celestia! He-“ Twilight started to defend me, but was cut off by Celestia.

“Twilight. You have no idea as to what this human is capable of doing. I trust you fully, but I cannot allow him to live.” She growled, the tip of her horn starting to glow. I knew that if she was able to cast a spell that I’d be fucked, I pointed my pistol at Twilight. From what I knew about the body of a pony, the bullet would kill her instantly, should I need to shoot her. Twilight stood frozen, her eyes looking up at me in pure terror.

“Give me five minutes to get as far away as possible before attacking me. If you attacked right now, you wouldn’t be able to save Twilight before the bullet hit her. Doubt you’d like to kill your star pupil, too.” I growled right back. For a moment, I thought I would have to actually shoot Twilight, but Celestia finally sighed and nodded, her and the Guards moving away from the door.

“The clock’s ticking, human.” She growled. I nodded and picked up Twilight rather quickly, pressing the barrel of the pistol against her skull.

“To make sure you all don’t try anything.” I snarled, backing out of the doorway. After getting off the porch, I turned around and walked towards the rows of apple trees. Twilight was shivering madly against my steel grip, and I felt like complete shit for doing this to her.

“W-Why are you doing this?!” She managed to gasp out after we were a few rows into the orchard.

“I’m very sorry for this, Twilight. This was the only thing I could think of at the time. In about four minutes, I’m putting you down and I’m getting as far away as possible. Once you’re back on the ground, I beg of you to stall the Guards for as long as possible.” I explained, holstering my pistol and flicking the visor up, before running my fingers gently through her mane to try and calm her down.

“How can I trust you?” She hesitantly asked.

“You have every reason not to, but I give you my word that I won’t harm you, either physically or emotionally, unless I absolutely have to.” I sighed, while shifting her body to make her more comfortable while she was pressed against the suit. I carried her for a few more minutes, before I overheard ponies behind us yelling. “Well… I’ll probably see you again.” I said, gently putting her on the ground.

“Please, don’t die.” Twilight said, hugging me. She then ran off in the direction that we came.

“I don’t plan on it.” I muttered, before bolting off in the opposite direction, heading towards the forest that I saw when I arrived.

Author's Note

They're all so out of character D:

Running

It was bloody hot. I’m pretty sure the temperature outside the suit was pleasant, but I felt like I was in an oven. After I ran from the orchard, I was into the forest I first saw when I appeared, the place looking creepy as shit even though it was barely noon. Figuring that I was close enough to the farm, I could just come back for the suit later, and I took it off as quickly as I could.

“Finally…” I muttered, taking a long drink from a bottle of water. I left my bulletproof vest on, put my belt with pistol holster around my chest, stuffed my MRE into a side pocket in my pants, water bottle in one pocket, and iPod with headphones in the other. Memorizing the exact location, I walked away very quickly, not wanting to stay in one spot for long.

“Hey!” A feminine voice called out, before an M4 with several magazines fell from the sky and landed in front of me. “Thank Prince Timeithian for that!” I looked up and saw a Death Guard Pegasus mare hovering above me.

“Thanks!” I called out, waving.

“No idea what that thing does, but Timeithian brought it here for you. He says it’s for protection against the creatures in here!” She called back, before flying off. I grinned to myself and picked it up, loading the rifle and chambering a round.

“If I make it out of here, I’ll bloody kiss whatever he has for a foot…” I muttered.

“I’ll hold you to that.” Timeithian’s voice suddenly said, scaring the shit out of me.

“The fuck?!” I shouted, but got no answer. I stood there for several moments, before sighing and running in a general direction of where I was wanting to go; away from civilization. I ran for a while, pausing only to catch my breath and to take a sip of water, before my foot decided to become a troll and trip up, sending me face first into a patch of blue flowers.

‘Well, that’s enough of running for a while, must’ve gone several miles in…’ I thought, getting out of the patch of flowers and into the shade of a tree. I pulled my MRE out and opened it, before frowning.

“Of all the bloody…” I muttered as I threw away the one MRE I would never eat; meatloaf. I sighed and looked around for a bird or something to kill for dinner. Seeing nothing nearby, I settled for a stick of gum, softly chewing on it to keep the flavor as long as possible. Time flew by rather quickly, and before I knew it, it was nighttime.

‘Time to keep moving, I guess. Night is one of the best silencers, after all.’ I thought, getting to my feet with a quiet groan and started walking again. I kept the safety flicked off and the M4 in my hands at all times, not wanting to be in a crappy situation and it not be anywhere near me. As I wander around aimlessly, I swear that I see a few sets of red eyes staring at me just out of range of my rifle.

“Bloody eyes…” I muttered, stopping and looking around again. “Don’t know if dangerous, so I’ll just wait…” I then sat down, taking a long gulp of water from my bottle, drinking the rest of it.

‘Figures.’ I thought, shaking the bottle a little before throwing it.

“You wouldn’t happen to know where a river is, do you?” I called out, testing the owners of the glowing red eyes. I got no response, so I shrugged and pulled out my iPod, picking a random song. I sat there listening to the song, when I barely heard shuffling of hooves against the ground. A sudden glare of light showed that there was what looked like a zombie pony on one side of me, where the red lights were, and a Day Guard on the other side of me. Both were roughly twenty feet away.

“Found you!” The Day Guard shouted, aiming a spear at me, while seemingly not noticing the zombie pony. I scrambled to my feet, struggling to figure out which would be a bigger threat to me. Suddenly, more red lights appeared around the two of us, while ghastly voices moaned stuff about friendship and all that crap.

“Well. Seems like we have a common enemy right now…” I muttered just loud enough for the Day Guard to hear as he backed up to me, while I aimed my M4 at a zombie pony.

“Yea… You wouldn’t want to call a temporary truce, would you?” He nervously asked, glancing back at me.

“Might as well. Would hate to be bitten from behind.” I replied, aiming in between a pair of lights.

“So, you know what these things are? Definitely not Changelings.” The Guard asked.

“Zombies. Aim for their ugly as shit faces.” I replied, switching the M4 to semi-automatic and squeezing the trigger, the bullet slamming into decaying flesh and emitting a spray of grey matter and blood from the back of a zombie pony’s head. The Guard winced at the crack of the rifle but nodded, watching my back for me as I picked off the zombies one at a time.

“I think that’s all of them…” He muttered, after stabbing one through an eye socket.

“Yea… I’m not gonna sleep tonight…” I muttered, popping my back, before looking at him.

“So… I guess you’ll get going?” He asked after a brief awkward silence.

“Too dangerous for either of us right now. You’re stuck with me until we can see the bloody sun.” I replied, looking around. That seemed to piss him off a little, but I ignored it.

“Alright…” He groaned.

“If there is more zombies, we really shouldn’t be anywhere near here when they come. Keep moving.” I said, nudging him with the butt of my rifle. He nodded and we walked onward, parallel to where both him and the zombies appeared from. We walked like this for a few hours, when the light above the trees started getting lighter.

“Well, Human. I guess this is goodbye.” The Guard said, looking at me when we stopped.

“Alright. I trust you to not say exactly where I am?” I hopefully asked.

“I am sorry, but it’s my job to. I hope you don’t take offence.” He apologized.

“It’s alright, I know the duties a soldier has, even if the job title is something different. I won’t hold it against you, so get moving already.” I replied, waving him off with my hand. He nodded and walked away, watching me carefully, as if I was going to shoot him as soon as he turned around. I waved to him and walked off, wondering just how far in the bloody forest I was.

“That was very honorable. But stupid.” Timeithian commented.

“Eh, I wouldn’t kill someone who helped me in a tight situation. And he did apologize.” I replied, coughing a little.

“Were you bitten by them?” He asked, sounding a little worried.

“No, came close though…” I coughed harder, sinking to my knees as I couldn’t stand anymore.

“Bloody- Stay there!” He ordered, as I slipped into unconsciousness.

These Bloody Ponies are Gunning for me!

“Ungh…” I groaned as I reawaken, trying to remember where I was. All at once, memories slammed into my brain, making me recoil mentally, trying to process them.

‘Alright. I’m in a forest, being hunted by ponies with golden armor. Helped one survive zombie ponies last night, he left at dawn. It looks about 5 now, so I need to get up somewhere soon. Gotta keep moving.’ I thought, before standing up…only to fall onto my back.

“What the hell?” I asked myself, only to find that my voice was a higher pitch. When I looked down at my body from the ground, to my shock I was about the same size as Applebloom, but had a horn, had an Afghan sand colored coat, my mane was cut at about two inches long and was pitch black, and my tail was the same, only several inches longer.

‘…..’ I mentally sighed, and tried getting up on all fours this time. ‘Bloody world probably got to me, finally. Took almost two weeks.’ I thought, and tried to see if I had this ‘Cutie Mark’ that Applebloom seemed to worship. After several minutes of turning around, I finally gave up and only turned my neck, and saw that, I indeed, had a Cutie Mark. It was the US Marine logo, a small brick of C-4 next to it, and the letters EOD under the logo.

“…Seems fitting…” I muttered, before trying to get used to walking as a pony. Something about my body felt…off, but it wasn’t just the body itself. I just couldn’t put my finger, or hoof as it were, on it. After I finally got walking down, I looked to see that my stuff were nowhere in sight.

'FUCK.’ I thought, smashing a hoof into the ground, furious as hell. I sighed and look around, hoping to find an easy way to leave. ‘Might as well return to town. Hopefully there’s bombs and shit here so I could at least get a job doing stuff like that…’ I thought as I walked through the trees, wary in case the zombies came back. As I slowly traversed through the forest, I heard two voices slowly coming my way. I instantly froze, and quickly jumped into some bushes, wincing as I felt a snake slither over me.

“…him going this way.” The guard from earlier said. “I just don’t know how far he’s gotten. From what I’ve seen of him, though, Celestia is wrong about him being absolutely cruel to ponies!” He added, getting another point, while Celestia losing one of the little she had. I was mentally keeping score of every pony that I met, and so far the Apple family and this guard were at the very top. Celestia was at the bloody bottom, with Timeithian a little higher.

“It doesn’t matter! Celestia said he’s dangerous and to kill him if he’s seen.” The other voice, a mare from what I could tell, yelled. The snake was not making my position anymore comfortable, in fact, I was probably about to bolt, whether or not the guards were gone or not. A hissing coming from it reminded it exactly why I didn’t bloody like snakes, and I did indeed bolt.

I also did not, in fact, scream like a bloody girl, no matter what these bloody ponies say otherwise.

“Who’s there!?” Male guard shouted, facing me. His look of surprise was added with concern and confusion when he saw me. The spears pointing at my face lowered, to my relief.

“Hey, Gray Steel, did you see a Unicorn filly while fighting these ‘zombponies’ of yours?” The mare asked, looking at Steel with confusion and a slight hint of amusement.

‘….What.’ I thought, hoping to whatever was the equivalent of God in this realm that she was just joking. What this Steel said next shot that hope down with a tank.

“No, I didn’t see her here last night. Maybe she accidentally messed up a teleportation spell. Is that right?” Steel asked, slowly coming over to me.

‘Sweet mother of Jesus, I’ve been turned into a bloody Unicorn filly. A FILLY! I fucking hate you now, Timeithian.’ I thought, clearly not amused. I had a great way of hiding my emotions, and just nodded slowly, showing just enough amount of fear and hesitation to make a believable scared filly lost in the forest. The mare nodded and walked over to me, earning a flinch and I backed up, knowing that if she discovered who I was she’d kill me without a second thought. ‘Get on Steel’s good side, and I have a good chance at living.’ Was what I thought, looking up at her in fear.

Seems I can make a really convincing scared face.

“Uh, Brass? I think she’s scared of you…” Steel said, looking at me in concern. Brass nodded and stepped back, allowing Steel to slowly come towards me. I still showed fear on my face (Mostly because either one of them could make my head pop like a grape, if needed.), but not as much as I did towards the other one. “Hey there… We’re going to help you out of this forest…” He said, in a voice that I personally thought was completely retarded, but I slowly nodded anyway.

“C-Could you take me back to Ponyville?” I hesitantly asked, remembering the town that was next to Sweet Apple Acres.

‘If I could just get to the Apple family…’ I thought. Steel nodded and beckoned for me to follow them as they set off. I did, rather eager to get the hell out of this forest.

“So, miss…?” He said, looking down at me.

‘…Fucking forgot to make a name…. ah hell, might as well make something up on the spot rather than never…’ I thought, before looking back up at him.

“I’m Tan Bloom.” I replied, throwing two random words together like these ponies seem fond of doing.

“That’s…an odd name for a Unicorn…” He hesitantly said, raising his eyebrow.

“I wonder myself….” I muttered, not breaking stride with them. Steel looked at me with sympathy while Brass just nodded, probably not caring and just wanting to kill me.

“Hey, did you happen to see a large, bipedal creature carrying around a black, metal stick thing?” Steel asked, looking at me.

“No, can’t say that I have…” I lied, shaking my head. Both of them frowned, but nodded and continued going to, where I hope, Ponyville was.

[About an hour and running from various critters later]

“Really hate Manticores…” Steel muttered, panting heavily at the edge of the forest. I wearily nodded in agreement, about to collapse in exhaustion.

‘Normally I would bloody run that long in my sleep…’ I thought, hiding a frown at my extremely decreased stamina.

“Where in Ponyville are you staying?” Steel asked, looking over at the town.

“I live over by Sweet Apple Acres, I can make it from here.” I said, waving goodbye with a hoof. They returned it and walked back into the forest that I considered evil. With a sigh of relief, I slowly set off to Sweet Apple Acres, collecting and sorting my thoughts.

Author's Note

I made all of this stuff on a whim, so :P

Back Where I Now Belong

“Uh, hello?” I hesitantly called when I reached the door, looking up at it.

“Just a sec!” Applejack called out from somewhere in the house, to my greatest relief.

‘Just hope that bitch isn’t here anymore...’ I thought, frowning. After a moment, the door slowly opened and I was looking up at Applejack, who I still thought was beautiful, even in this bloody pony body. She warmly smiled down at me.

“Well, what’s a little filly doing out here by yerself?” She asked after looking past the porch, presumably looking for parents.

“Um, is Princess Celestia here?” I hesitantly asked, moving a hoof around on the wood, acting like I was her student or something.

“Ah’m sorry, but she’s left already. Had to go back to Canterlot for ‘Royal Duties’ and the like.” Applejack answered, causing me to grin, probably very creepily.

“Bloody good! Don’t know what’s got her panties in a wad, but I’m glad she isn’t here!” I exclaimed, blushing when she looked at me in both shock and caution.

‘Shit, forgot to explain my predicament.’ I thought, face…hoofing? Yea, facehoofing.

“Sorry, AJ. It’s Mark. I’ve been turned into a bloody filly for some God forsaken reason.” I explained, looking back up at her. She frowned down at me.

“Now, how do Ah know you’re not just lying to get inside?” She cautiously asked. Another reason to like her.

“Fair enough. I still happen to think you’re gorgeous, in my opinion.” I answered, looking up at her with a grin. She blushed deeply and stammered something, but moved aside to I could walk in.

“Uh… Ah… Gotta go work with Big Macintosh!” She managed to say, before bolting out of the house, the door casually swinging shut behind her. I chuckled lightly and went over to the kitchen, where I nudged open a cabinet and took out an apple, because I was fucking hungry. That gum did not help worth a shit.

“Applejack, are ya in the kitchen?” I heard Applebloom call out.

“Nope, just Mark.” I replied with the deepest voice I could make, hopping up onto the table, planning on messing with her. I watched in stealth mode as Applebloom bolted into the kitchen, and stopped in confusion.

“Huh? Where’d ya go?” She asked, looking under the table. I quietly crawled to the edge and hung over as best as I could without hands, and grinned creepily. She took her bloody time to turn around, and instead of getting startled, she grinned back at me.

“Well, that didn’t work…” I muttered, before sliding the rest of the way off and landing on my back with a grunt, a very loud crack coming from the top of my head and a hole appeared in the floor.

“AH!” Applebloom yelped in surprise.

“Jesus!” I yelled at the same time, as Big Macintosh and Applejack ran into the house, worried as shit. Both Big Mac and AJ appeared to blush when they saw that I was in a compromising position, still a little dazed. How I noticed a blush on Big Mac, I wouldn’t know.

‘Well, at least I think I know where my guns went…’ I thought, rolling my eyes before looking back up at them through my legs.

“Like the view, AJ?” I teasingly asked, wearing a shit-eating grin. Glancing back at me, I could see that Applebloom was confused, while Applejack appeared to choke on something and leave the room, her face beet red. I rolled over and looked up at Big Macintosh.

“Um…” Was all he said as I stared up at him.

“Applejack likes me. A lot.” Was all I said, before getting up and casually trotting upstairs to take a shower.

After getting upstairs, I quickly figured out how to turn on the shower as a pony. It was bloody annoying, but I got it done.

"Ahhh..." I moaned out lightly. "Feels just right for some reason, even if it's still freezing..."

"...Please, tell me you're not a pony." Timeithian suddenly said, causing me to jump and let out an adorable shriek that did not fit my personality at all.

'I'm not a bloody pony!' I thought very loudly, frowning.

"Hm. Actually, you're right. You just look like a Pony. Did you happen to wander into a patch of weird blue flowers yesterday?" He asked.

'Faceplanted into them. Why?' I asked, confused.

"The flowers are called Poison Joke. They do crap to you that they think is funny. The flowers took away your body and gender for a joke. Ask Applebloom or Applejack to take you to a Zebra named Zecora to fix you up." Timeithian explained, giving me instructions for help.

'Alright. I'll go to her after my shower. Just hope those bloody zombies aren't on the loose in the daytime.' I told him, getting back under the water.

"They only come out at certain times of the year; last night was the last one for a few months." He said, before breaking the connection.

"Freakin' Princes... At least I can get my body back..." I muttered, turning off the shower and shaking water off of my coat.

"For putting you through this bullshit, I'm giving you an invitation to Captain Shining Armor's wedding in Canterlot, clearance to bring weapons, and one weapon of your choice. Once Celestia takes a chill pill, of course." Timeithian suddenly said.

'The fuck would I WANT to go to a bloody Royal Guard's wedding?' I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"To get a feel for our culture, for one. And for another, I have no real warriors in my section of the guard. Also, the Changelings are getting bolder. I fear that they will try something, even with the Captain’s shield that he's making." Timeithian explained.

'...ANY weapon I want? With how much ammunition?' I asked, getting an idea, a grin forming upon my face. It was a grin that was only used for evil plotting.

"As long as it's within reason. I know what human weapons are capable of, so I WILL NOT bring you a fucking nuclear missile." Timeithian said.

'Wasn't planning on a nuke. Have you ever heard of an M60?' I asked.

Royalty is Creeping

[Two Days Later]

I didn’t feel like recording yesterday’s events, even though I got back into my regular body. I’m pretty sure AJ loves me for who I am, considering that she hugged me (Strange as fuck, but whatever) for a long bloody time. I also got a mild headache from Zecora, because of all the bloody rhyming that she did. I wondered what the hell was wrong with her voice to make her do that.

“Dude, stop dreaming about being on a gun range; Princess Luna wants to talk with you.” Timeithian said while I was dreaming. I sighed and put down the M60 I had, preparing for the real thing.

“Yes, Princess?” I asked, turning around. Unlike Celestia, Luna had a dark blue coat and a mane that moved also, but instead of Celestia’s rainbow-like colors, hers looked like the night sky. I stood respectfully to her, since she hasn’t done anything to make me hate her yet.

“GREETINGS, HUMAN.” She said in an insanely loud voice.

‘Caps lock much?’ I thought, wiping a little blood out of my left ear.

“Luna, we’ve talked about the Royal Voice.” Timeithian said, walking up next to her. He was slightly larger than Luna (Shut up, perverts) with a jet black color on the top of his mane and blood red on the bottom, and his coat was blood red. Luna looked down a little in shame and embarrassment.

“Well, I finally get to see the dude who brought me here.” I said, crossing my arms. “And Princess Luna; I’ve heard about you through this bloke. So far I like you, since you haven’t tried to kill me on sight.” I added, nodding to her. Luna smiled at me a little, and looked at Timeithian.

“Well, ‘this bloke’ would rather be called Red Dawn, mostly because that’s what I’m known as in Ponyville. Except for my closer friends, and everypony knows that I’m an Alicorn anyway, so eh.” Timeithian, or Red Dawn, said, shrugging a little.

‘The fuck? How can a horse, or a pony, shrug?’ I thought, but hid my bewilderment.

“Alright. I take it you want me to give you a bloody good reason to let me live?” I asked Luna, looking at her.

“Yes, I do.” She said, nodding.

“Alright. Well, I’m not like most humans, for one.” I replied. 'At least, most humans I've met...'

“Explain.” Luna ordered.

“First off, when I was first threatened by your sister, I could have just shot her. Don’t know if it would’ve done anything, but I could have. Also, I did not harm Twilight at all, even though I could have really taken her as a hostage when I ran into the forest.” I explained.

“That is true.” Dawn said, nodding. “I was watching him the entire time.”

“That’s creepy.” I said, before continuing. “Third, I could have murdered the Apple family that lived on Sweet Apple Acres, or leeched off of their hospitality instead of helping them ‘buck’ apples.” Luna looked halfway convinced by now.

“And, I had nothing back home except for a brother and a mother, father left when I was ten, mum has cancer, and my brother’s old enough to take care of himself.” I said, blinking back a single tear. “I may be a soldier, but my main mission is to protect, not kill. All I had for a weapon was usually my M1911.”

“What is this, M1911?” Luna asked, raising an eyebrow.

“…Can I hurt anyone in this dream?” I asked.

“No. It is simply a dream.” Dawn said.

“Good.” I simply replied, before thinking of my pistol, aimed it at Dawn, and squeezed the trigger, creating a two inch hole in his face.

“…Bloody humans…” Dawn sighed, the hole disappearing and he shook his head.

“You said it wouldn’t hurt. Anyway, Luna; this is a 1911. Designed for personal protection against other hostile humans or wildlife.” I explained, making it disappear. Luna flinched at the gunfire, but nodded, probably curious at the pistol.

“Luna, at least help me keep him alive until after Cadence’s wedding. He’s my security detail, if nothing else, to protect the guests.” Dawn pleaded, looking at Luna. I looked at her too, and smiled a little when she sighed and nodded.

“…Alright, human. I guess I’ll side with you and Dawn. Mostly because we’re under threat from the Changelings.” Luna said after a moment.

“Thank you, Princess.” I said, getting on one knee and bowing a little. “Just know one thing; I do not serve Royalty, because I am a free man, and my country of origin has no Royal Family." I grinned, getting back up. “I’m doing this because Dawny here asked me to, and is giving me a toy for doing it.”

“That the ‘toy’ you’re talking about?” Dawn asked as Luna disappeared, pointing a hoof at the M60 I placed on the only table in the room.

“Yes, this is the M60. Since you said you’d give me a weapon, I want this, a backpack, and ten magazines for this, two or three ammunition bags of armor piercing ammunition.” I explained, picking it back up with a small grunt.

“I’ll have it next to you in the morning. Very kind of Applejack to force you to sleep with her.” He said with a shit-eating grin. I rolled my eyes at him.

“So, what exactly do Changelings look like?” I asked, changing the subject as I felt my face heating up.

“They look like ponies, but instead of coats they have black shells, holes in their legs, small horns on their heads, and insect-like wings. Their eyes glow blue for the most part, but higher ranking ones have green eyes and pupils. If you happen to see her, the Changeling Queen has what looks like a mushroom crown and a moss-like mane.” Dawn described, also giving me a mental image.

“…Just how thick is this shell of theirs?” I asked.

“Thick enough to where a buck won’t kill them if hit in the face.” He replied.

“Alright, I think my bullets will be able to pierce their armor. Also, could I have some sort of blunt object?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“You’ll have your weapons in the morning. Now, I bid thee adieu.”

“Before you leave, could I ask you a few questions?” I asked.

“…Fine, but make them quick. Although I have no royal duties, mostly, I do run on a tight schedule.”

“Alright. How similar is this world compared to mine?” I asked, getting straight to the point.

"If you're asking about languages, it's the same."

"How so?"

“Well, you’ll still be able to understand the language. When dealing with ponies or other sentient beings, everyone uses ‘Equestrian’ or English.”

“Kinda like with my world, except we still use translators if we have Prisoners of War, for example.”

“Would you like to know anything else? Or can I leave you to yourself?”

“Two things, same subject. Why in the bloody hell do you use everypony when talking about just ponies?”

“Old bloody habit. And I live with ponies. But when I go out into other countries or talk to other races, I use everyone and the like.”

“Do I have to use your bloody language?”

“As in ‘buck’ instead of fuck? Hell no, that’s entirely your choice.”

“Well, that brings a whole new meaning to Applebucking…” I muttered, getting a grin from Dawn.

“I said the same thing to Applejack. She blushed extremely hard, muttered something and ran off the first time I mentioned it. Well, I really must be going now, and you won’t really need Celestia’s apology now, since me and Luna are siding with you. See you at the wedding.” He said and faded, leaving me to my own devices.

Author's Note

This is like a journal of Mark's.

Picnic

“Hey, Applejack…” I muttered, gently shaking the orange Earth Pony awake.

“Mmph… Five mo’ minutes…” She groaned, rolling onto her back. I sighed and started rubbing her belly, having accidentally discovered that it was a ticklish spot to her yesterday. In less than a minute, she was writhing around the bed giggling quite loudly.

“You up yet?” I asked, noting that a Death Guard Pegasus was hovering outside, holding a backpack with my M60 and a police baton strapped to it, straining to stay airborne.

“Yea!” She managed to gasp out.

“Well, get up! I’ll be down in a second, so don’t wait for me.” I said, gently shoving her to get her going. She nodded, put on her hat, and walked out, while I opened the window.

“T…-pant-Thanks…” The Pegasus gasped, collapsing on the bed.

“Sorry about that, man.” I said, taking the backpack from him, noting that it weighed about 50 pounds. Probably ten bags of ammunition or so.

“It’s alright, I just had that in my hooves for a few hours…” He panted.

“Pretty sure you’re welcome to stay for breakfast, if you want.” I said, sliding the backpack on with a grunt.

“T-Thanks… But I’m pretty sure Prince Timeithian will be… mad if I do…” He panted some more, probably about to pass out.

“That wasn’t a suggestion.” I said, before picking him up with another grunt and walking downstairs as he weakly protested.

“Soup’s on!” Granny Smith called out from the kitchen.

“Hope you have enough for another mouth, Granny Smith! Got a kind Pegasus here for breakfast!” I called down, earning a mild glare from him.

“I… Guess…” He managed to say, accepting defeat.

“Good boy. Eat a lot, I’m pretty sure it’s not wise to fly on an empty stomach.” I said, letting him down. The others looked slightly confused at the Pegasus when they came in, but I simply told them that he visited me for something.

“Hey, what is all that stuff?” Applebloom asked me when she noticed my backpack for the first time.

“Stuff from my world. Asked Red Dawn to get it for me, so I could do a job later this week.” I replied after putting down my fork.

“What kind of job?” Applejack asked, looking over at me from across the table.

“Security for some wedding.” I replied, taking a bite of apple cobbler. (I was surprised the first morning when they put this on the table.)

“Oh, well, good luck at it!”

[After Breakfast]

Not even ten minutes after the Death Guard left, Rainbow Dash almost knocked me over to talk to AJ. They were talking about a picnic later today.

“Hey, Mark! You wanna come with us? Give ya a chance to meet my friends!” Dash asked me suddenly.

“Eh, why not? Not as if I’m doing anything today anyway…” I shrugged, following them as best as I could due to not being able to outrun a pony, even without an M60 strapped to by back and a baton slapping my leg. After about ten minutes of half running and half jogging, we ended up in a meadow where four other ponies were already sitting around, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, a butter yellow Pegasus, and a white Unicorn.

“Hey there!” Pinkie suddenly yelled, somehow erupting out of the ground and into my face, causing me to give off a scream of surprise.

“The hell?!” I yelled, having fallen backwards and onto the ground, Pinkie ending up on my chest. Pinkie giggled while I stared up at her in shock, not blinking.

'....' I think my mind just broke, for a second.

"Ah think ya broke him, Pinkie." Applejack said, looking at us with amusement.

"...Don't bloody do that. It's fucking weird." I stated once my mind started working again, eliciting a gasp from three of the mares.

"Such vulgar language!" The white Unicorn exclaimed, glaring at me a little.

"Well excuse me for wanting to keep some of my bloody English with me!" I retorted, gently (but firmly) shoving Pinkie off and sitting up, glaring right back. The butter Pegasus shrank a little at my glare, and made a noise similar to whimpering. I sighed and got the rest of the way up, cracking my neck.

'Smooth, Mark. Just bloody smooth.' I thought.

"Sorry for that, but I'm pretty sure you've noticed that I'm not from here. I want to keep some of my old life's words and customs, so I'm keeping my language." I apologized and explained, shrugging a little. "I can't help it if you all don't agree with it; but I'm sticking with it."

"Well...I guess we can deal with it..." Twilight stated after a moment, looking unsure.

"Many thanks. Now, why don't you all introduce yourselves and I'll do the same?" I asked, getting onto a different topic. "I know Applejack and a little of Rainbow Dash, Twilight, and Pinkie, but I don't know you two." I added, pointing at the other Unicorn and Pegasus.

"Well, my name's Rarity, and I work at the Carousel Boutique as Ponyville's leading fashion designer!" The Unicorn introduced herself.

"Excellent; I'm in dire need of new clothing, so we can talk later about that." I said, before pointing at the butter yellow Pegasus. "And you are?"

"I-I'm..." She started very quietly, before mumbling something I couldn't hear.

"Lass, I'm afraid you're going to have to speak just a little louder; I don't understand mumble." I said, slowly walking over to her in a non-threatening manner.

"I-I'm Fluttershy..." She said at the same volume level, shrinking back a little. Smiling gently, I stopped and sat down on the edge of the checkered blanket.

"Nice to meet you, Fluttershy." I said, holding out my hand for her to shake. After a minute or so of staying still, Fluttershy looked back at me before timidly shaking my hand with her hoof.

"Well, who're you? AJ never told us much about you." Rainbow Dash asked, landing near me.

"My name's Mark. I'm a human, species Homo Sapien. Humans are naturally war-like, although some perfected it into an art. I was a soldier, but I never did much in the way of real fighting." I explained. "I mostly worked with explosives, usually to make them harmless, although I do know how to make gunpowder and the like." I added, waving my hand around.

"H-How did you end up here?" Fluttershy asked, probably curious.

"I died." I simply said, my face void of emotion. "Bloody shame, but I didn't have a lot connecting me to my life anyway; only my job kept me going everyday. Had to, if I messed up I was dead." I explained. Fluttershy looked sad, so I smiled
reassuringly. "From what I've experienced so far, this place is a lot better than where I lived before. Less people trying to kill me, for one."

"Well, how'd you die? You never told me!" Twilight suddenly said.

"I was going to destroy a IED, which stands for Improvised Explosive Device, when it was shot, exploding half a foot away from me. I'm pretty sure nothing survived it, anyway." I remembered, not really knowing if something of mine actually survived the blast or not.

"Now, let's get rid of this depressing topic and enjoy the picnic!" I said, pointing at a basket. The others seemed relieved and nodded, Pinkie opening up a basket, while I just started as several balloons that clearly could not fit in it float out, defying what sense of logic I have.

"Um, Mark? Are ya'll ok?" AJ asked, waving a hoof in front of my face. I snapped back into reality, shaking my head.

"Yea, I'm fine. Just got to get used to your world's logic and physics..." I said, muttering the last part to myself. As they got out sandwiches, I noticed that they were all filled with flowers and grass. Dash offered one to me, which I turned down.

"Not hungry?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Quite the opposite. I just can't eat grasses or flowers. They'll make me sick." I replied. "Just forgot to grab a bite to eat before running after you and Applejack." Dash nodded and chomped down on it.

"Well, what do you eat?" Fluttershy quietly asked, coming over to me, and would have startled me if I wasn't paying attention to everyone at once.

"Meat, dairy, some vegetables, some fruit, fish, grains, candy, soda, coffee, bacon, and nothing that can think or talk." I replied, ignoring the expected looks of shock at 'meat'. "Forgot to tell you; Humans are omnivores, and natural predators. Don't worry, I've never tried pony meat, and never plan on it. I'd sooner eat my foot than a pony." I added, shaking my left foot just in case they didn't know what one is. Bloody hooves, man...

"I understand..." Fluttershy muttered, looking up at me.

"You work with animals, don't you?" I asked, understanding instantly why she asked.

"Yes..." She whimpered, probably thinking I was going to eat a rabbit or something.

"Relax, lass. Just because I CAN eat meat doesn't mean that I HAVE to eat it. You have carnivores at your place?"

"Yes... They eat fish, though..." She replied.

"Well, then I guess all I will eat is fish, that you say is alright." I assured her.

'Though I may have to go hunting sometime and get a bloody steak...' I thought, keeping my face blank.

"Hey, Mark? I heard you mention some place called 'Hell' earlier. What's hell?" Rainbow Dash asked suddenly, causing me to internally facepalm.

"Do you have a place where really bad Ponies or smart beings go to?" I asked.

"Yea, it's called Tartarus. It's an island continent." She replied.

'...Their version of hell is Australia, pretty much... Oh the bloody irony.' I thought.

"Well, Hell is where humans go when they do evil." I replied. Dash nodded and continued eating as I gazed around the field.

"Hey, I forgot to tell my messenger this, but your weapons are magical." Dawn suddenly said in my mind, as the others talked to themselves. I internally winced but was curious.

'What do you mean, magical?' I thought asked.

"The baton will turn into any weapon that is used in hand-to-hand combat. Like a sword or a knife. The M60 will turn into any gun you want, as long as it's within a century from the original make." Dawn explained, causing me to grin. As a test, I unhooked the LMG and thought of a Kar98k, and to my surprise, it turned into one. "It will never run out of ammunition when in a different form, so use it to your advantage. It WILL overheat, though, if you use it too much, so do be careful." He added, causing my grin to get more evil.

"Um, what's with the scary grin, sugarcube?" AJ asked, snapping me from my thoughts.

"Sorry, it's nothing important. Dawn was telling me something about my equipment." I halfway explained, discreetly changing my gun to an M1911 and sliding it into a pocket.

"Prince Dawn can talk with you in your mind?" Twilight asked, clearly curious.

"Well, yea. He's pretty much the reason I'm here and not in Heaven. I like to think I'd go there, anyway..." I replied, dismissing their question about Heaven. When I noticed that they had cake, I took a slice and ate it.

As we were sitting around, them eating and I thinking, I suddenly heard panting and the sound of someone running towards us. Looking over to my left with my hand moving to my pocket, I saw a small green and purple lizard thing, and the first image that came to mind was that it was a minature Barney.

[Somewhere on Earth]

Several workers in an office were staring as one of their own suddenly had a stroke in the break room.

[Back to Equestria]

"Twilight!" The lizard yelled once he (was able to tell the gender by his voice) was close enough, causing her to drop an apple that she was about to eat. "I...Have... Give me a minute..." He panted, while I handed him a glass of water and sat back, watching him gulp it down.

"Who's that?" I quietly asked Applejack.

"Oh, he's Spike, Twilight's dragon assistant over at the library." She replied.

"...Baby?" I asked, knowing a bunch of dragon myths.

"Yep." She confirmed.

'Well, he hasn't lost any points yet, due to being a baby.' I thought, as he seemed to get his breath back. What shocked me was that he belched up a scroll, the paper landing in front of Twilight, who picked it up with her magic and read it.

"Dear Twilight, I am sure you are excited as I am of the upcoming wedding in Canterlot." She read.

"Wedding?" She asked, confused.

"Hm. Most likely the one I'm going to be security at." I said aloud, shrugging.

"I will be presiding over the ceremony, but would very much like you and your friends to help in the preparations." She continued, while I tuned her out for the most part. I grinned when she said both mine and Applejack's names, though.

'Woo! We're both going to the wedding.' I thought.

"...Between Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and... MY BROTHER?!" She ended, startling me with her exclamation.

USMC Swag

Full Chapter Title: Getting Some USMC Swag and Meetin' the Crusaders

While the others were conversing with Twilight, who was grumpy about something, I had a visitor in the form of Dawn in my mind.

"So, you like Applejack. I could hear your thought about that." Dawn said, a hint of laughter in his 'voice'.

'Stuff. It.' Was all that I replied with.

"Hey, if you like her, that's between you and her. I won't promote it, but at the same time I won't deny it from you two." Dawn said in his defense.

'So, what do I have to do?' I asked him, changing the subject.

"Get on the train with the girls tomorrow. Might want to come in Service Dress, if you could convince Rarity to make it for you." Dawn explained.

'Alright, I think I have a picture in my wallet.' I cut the connection and stood up. I was just about to say something when Twilight started singing.

"Ignore her. For the love of your god ignore her! Don't get dragged into the song!!" Dawn yelled into my head. "I have no idea what it'll do to you!"

'Why is she fucking singing?!' I asked, confused as shit.

"It's song magic. When something emotional or exciting happens, or if it's an important holiday, a unicorn usually starts singing and everyone in the area could start at anytime, too. Unless it's Pinkie Pie. That mare defies even song magic. She sings whenever she wants to, magic be damned." Dawn explained while I tried my hardest to not get pulled into the song. Let me tell you, that shit's hard as fuck considering I don't have a damn bit of resistance to magic. And stop reading this fucking journal, you bastard. Unless you're Applejack, then I don't care.

"Rarity, I have a request for you." I said once they stopped, digging out my wallet. Pushing aside my worthless money, I pulled out a 'recent' picture of me in my Service Dress.

"Is it for the wedding?" She asked, looking up at me.

"Yes, I need you to replicate this EXACTLY. It's my Marine Service Dress uniform, and I'd love to have a replica back, at least." I answered. "The items on my chest are made separately." I added, handing over the picture.

'As my brother called it, I will soon have my Marine Swag back.' I thought with a slight grin.

"I'll have it ready for you tomorrow!" Rarity said, looking over it. "Although I've never made clothing for a bipedal..." She muttered, frowning a little.

"The back of the uniform is just like a normal suit, same for the pants." I explained, turning around to show her. I felt Rarity's eyes going over my back for a second. "I'll stop by later to give you my measurements."

"Alright, and I'll make dresses for you five, too!" Rarity exclaimed, before trotting off towards the town.

"Hey, Applejack. Does Ponyville have a blacksmith?" I asked, looking over at said Earth pony.

"Yea, why do ya need one, Sugarcube?" She asked.

"Just wondering. Brass casings are hard to come by here." I said, patting my M1911.

"Brass casings?" AJ asked, raising an eyebrow.

"For bullets." I said and walked towards the Everfree forest to get my suit, waving off questions on where I was going.

'Can't believe I had forgotten about it until now...' I thought, facepalming.

[Later]

"I'm going into town, AJ!" I called upstairs, dumping my bomb suit into a corner in the living room.

"Just be careful, ya hear!" She shouted back. I paused for a second, sighed, and tossed my M1911 into the pile, along with my backpack.

"Might as well keep the baton... Hm..." I thought of a key, and nothing happened. "Figures... Alright, oh magical plastic beating stick, please turn into a titanium crowbar." I rolled my eyes and used some twine to tie the crowbar loosely to my side, before walking out.

Let's see... The townsfolk were, wary at best. Except for one teal unicorn, who had a lyre for a cutie mark, if I remember correctly. As soon as I entered town, she latched onto my side and started pelting me with questions, before using magic to examine my hands and feet. I had to sit down for the second of the two. The walk to Rarity's was slow, thanks to this Lyra Heartstrings lass, who I figured was a hobby scientist, if the assmarks were anything to go by. Pinkie came in about three fourths of the way there.

"Hey, Mark! When do you want your party? I know it can't be done this week, so I might as well ask you when!" She half yelled at me insanely fast.

"Jeez, lass! I'll have it the day after we get back!" I replied, cringing from losing some more of my hearing. Pinkie squee'd and ran off, killing off even more of my sanity. What I have left of it, anyway.

'Fucking. Physics. Don't. Work!' Is all that I thought, waved Lyra off, and sighed before entering Rarity's shop after knocking, glad that I asked Lyra to take me there. Carousal Boutique was the name, I believe.

"I'll be right there~" Rarity's voice called out from a different room, while I looked around, waiting on her. She didn't take long, only a few seconds.

"I'm here for the measurements." I said while examining what looked like a half completed dress.

"Could you step over here then?" She asked, causing me to walk over and eye several tape measurers.

"Would you like me to take my clothes off for more accurate measurements?" I asked, slipping off my jacket and vest. "Well, except for what I really need to be modest around you?" I added, not wanting to strip down fully in front of these ponies.

"Yes, please." She said. I nodded and took my shirt, shoes, socks, and pants off, leaving just my boxers. While Rarity was taking my measurements, I overheard something crashing from above us.

"Do you have anyone upstairs?" I asked, reaching for my crowbar and turning it into a cattle prod.

"Yes, my sister and her two friends. You can put whatever that metal rod is down, you won't need it." Rarity said without breaking her measurement stride. I nodded and tossed the prod back onto my clothing, holding my arms out to the side again. After she was finsihed several minutes later, I pulled my clothing back on and turned the electric rod into a butterfly knife, which I folded up and stuck into a pocket.

"I'll also need some spare clothing; these fatigues will not last forever." I said, slipping on my vest and looking down a hallway at some stairs. "Would you mind if I went upstairs? I'd like to meet your sister." I asked, looking over at Rarity.

"If you do, would you mind fixing whatever it was that they broke, if you could? I have several dresses I need to finish before tomorrow..." She said, not looking like she was paying attention to me.

"Alright, I'll do that." I said, going down the hallway and up the stairs quietly, hoping to not startle whoever was upstairs.
When I walked up to the door that had noises coming from behind it, I pressed my ear against the wood. It sounded like there were three ponies, or other beings with hooves, behind it. I nodded to myself, slowly opened the door, and lifted my boot as a persian cat came streaking past, clearly discomforted by the three fillies that I noted were inside.

"Hey, Applebloom. What're you all doing up here?" I asked when I saw her, while observing the other two. One of them was a unicorn, and looked somewhat like Rarity, which led me to believe that this was her sister. The other was a orange Pegasus with a mane styled like Rainbow Dash's, if not in color.

'Probably Dashie's sister.' I thought as Applebloom grappled my leg in her form of a hug.

"Mind introducing me to your friends?" I asked, casually waving my hand at the two fillies who were looking at me in awe.

"Oh, right! This is Sweetie Belle an' Scootaloo!" She exclaimed, pointing at the Unicorn and Pegasus in turn. "An' we're-" She started, getting up close to the others.

"-THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!" They shouted extremely loudly. After I wiped the small amount of blood that came from my ear due to their caps lock rage, I shook my head and frowned.

"Welp, there went my hearing..." I muttered, probably loudly considering that I couldn't hear shit. The three of them went wide eyed before saying something. "I can't speak mouth, girls." I said, still loudly, trying to hear myself.

'Sonofafuck.' I thought, sitting down. 'I figured I'd go deaf from explosions. Not a group of three fillies.' Sweetie Belle said something to the other two before dashing out and down the stairs, probably going to go get Rarity.

"Do you have any paper lying around? And a quill?" I asked Applebloom, mimicking writing down something just in case I said something unintelligible by accident. She looked thoughtful for a second before saying something to Scootaloo, then said something to me, and ran out of the room too. I sighed and stood up unevenly, wobbling around.

'Ah, fuck it. I'll go and get Twilight's help. She better have a fucking spell to fix hearing, or I swear to God...' I thought, deciding not to finish the threat. I quietly left Carousal Boutique and went out looking for Twilight, discreetly picking up a small, smooth rock along the way. The Heartstrings lass quickly found me and started badgering me with questions again, which somewhat made me glad that I was deaf at the moment. After several unheard questions, she looked up at me in confusion.

-Can't hear, going to find Twilight to fix it.- I wrote in the dirt with the rock, before wiping it away. -Could you take me to her?- I then asked, looking at her hopefully. After several seconds, she grinned and nodded, indicating that I should follow her. I stood back up and did, dropping the rock in the process.

'Well... Even IF I don't get my hearing back, I'll be able to speak through the dirt.' I sarcastically thought, sighing. Lyra looked at me in confusion, but I simply waved her off.

"Keep going, please." I think I said, not really sure anymore. Lyra nodded and kept leading me around, before finally stopping in front of a huge ass tree with a door and windows in the trunk.

'...I'd expect Fluttershy to live in a tree...' I thought, facepalming while Lyra banged on the door. After a second, Spike opened it and said something to Lyra, who waved me in. Spike looked at me in confusion, and called out something into the room, which I noticed was a library. 'Does... Twilight live in a library?' I thought, confused as hell. The Unicorn in question came down the stairs, and Lyra talked to her. She nods, lowers her head slightly, and the next thing I know is that I'm getting a face full of purple laser, a ringing noise erupting in my ears.

"Agh!" I groaned, gripping my head tightly. After several minutes, the ringing slowly ebbed away, until I was able to think clearly again.

"Are you able to hear me?" Twilight asked, rather loudly.

"No need to yell, lass!" I said, standing back up, shaking my head.

"Uh... I didn't yell..." Twilight slowly said, raising an eyebrow. I paused for a few seconds, before grinning.

"I was just hoping you'd give me the hearing I had back. Seems you gave me my original hearing!" I said, going over to her and hugging her lightly. For some reason, Lyra joined in.

"Hugs are awesome." Was all that she responded with when I asked her. I shrugged and let go of Twilight, noting that Lyra didn't.

"Um, Lyra?" I asked after a moment of awkward silence. "Could you let me go now?"

"Awww! Fine..." She dramatically groaned, before letting go and looking up at me with a grin. That grin... scared the living shit out of me. And I will deny it if you bloody idjits come to me asking about it!

[Later]

As I got home for the night and prepared for tomorrow, I couldn't help but think. At least, until Applebloom came in with her head and ears down.

"Applebloom, don't worry about my hearing; Twilight fixed it. Better than I needed, too." I said, causing her to look up at me in surprise.

"How did'ja know that's what Ah was comin' to talk to ya about?" She asked.

"I'd do the same thing once I knew the person was able to hear again. Or at least knew sign language, considering that humans don't have the science to fix hearing yet." I said, wiping off dirt from my M60. "Anyway, go on up to bed. We have a big day tomorrow, since AJ decided to ask ya'll to help with the preparations." I said, shooing her away. About a minute later, Applejack came in while I was lying on my back, trying to sleep.

"Goodnight, sugarcube." She softly said, before kissing me on the lips lightly and shifted up against me. I broke out into a grin when she started sleeping and went to sleep, too.

Author's Note

I feel something intelligent should be put here, but I don't really know what...

Quote: "If it has a hole, it's fuckable!" - Corporal Mark Durnkinscoff of the USMC

Brief Setback

"What the hell?" I muttered, watching as a wall of transparent dark pink came through the train, passing through everyone. When it passed through me, I felt the strangest sensation of my backpack being pulled back for a moment, before it was allowed through like I was.

'Felt like a fucking scanner. But for what?' I thought, rubbing my recently shaved chin.

"What in the hay was that all 'bout?" Applejack asked as the train slowed to a stop.

"My guess is security measures. Dawny said that they were threatened by someone. Surprised that they didn't just reschedule the bloody wedding..." I guessed, muttering the third sentence to myself. The train stopped and I was the first one off, placing my cover over my head. I glared at the Day Guards who were stationed at the stop, silently daring one of them to call me out.

"What's with all the guards?" Dash asked, sticking her head out next to my calf.

"Security, as I said. Royalty brings out strange folk." I answered. Pinkie Pie took that moment to sneeze and I swear to God that confetti flew from her nose. That shit was scary.

"Let's get going!" Rarity exclaimed, not even fazed by the simple act of holyfuck that Pinkie just demonstrated.

"And you got a big brother to congratulate!" AJ said, looking at Twilight.

"Yea... 'congratulate'..." She muttered, stalking off. Whatever she muttered made two guards look a little uneasy, causing me to sigh.

"I'll go after her... Dawn told me to meet up with Armor anyway." I said, jogging after Twilight. I managed to catch up with her while she was talking to a large Unicorn wearing a purple chest plate and that looked nothing like her, except for a lighter shade of mane highlight. And the telltale sign of magic was the same shade.

"And who's this?" He asked, looking over at me.

"Corporal Mark, Marine EOD. Assigned by Prince Dawn as boosted security." I said, giving him a quick salute.

"You know about the threat made against Canterlot?" Shining Armor asked, looking over my uniform.

"Yes, I do. Surprised that you didn't move the wedding date. That's what we would've done back on Earth." I commented, looking over the assload of guards around us. "If it wasn't for the magic users, I would pretty much reccomend that you do the same."

"What do you mean?" He asked as we walked up onto a walkway a few dozen feet above the ground.

"Humans can't use magic, so we improvised. We have weapons that could kill someone half the bloody world away." I said, drawing my M60 and changing it into a scoped Kar98k, looking at the Unicorns marching below us through the scope.

'Wonder why they have spears when they have fucking MAGIC.' I thought, sighing internally at the stupid.

"What does that do?" Shining asked cautiously.

"Sends a piece of metal flying at a very fast speed. Don't worry, I'm not going to shoot any of your Guards without a good reason." I explained, dumbing it down to past the bare basics.

"Er..."

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything important." A feminine voice said, causing me to look to my right. Standing there was a pink Alicorn, but something felt off about her. I think she noticed my look, because she sent a very subtle glare before going over to the other two. I'm pretty sure my mind was fucking with me, but I think her eyes flashed green and blue for a split second.

"If you'll excuse me..." I said, walking off as Twilight started saying something. Armor looked at me funny but shrugged, and I entered the tower that was away from the Alicorn. As I stood on the stairs, my backpack shifted before it shook violently, and felt about 50 pounds lighter.

'What in the hell?' I thought, before whirling around as best as I could. Standing there was an exact bloody copy of me, sword and all.

"Changeling..." I growled, swinging the butt of my rifle at my copy's head, missing terribly as he grabbed the gun, ripped it out of my grip, and smashed it into my forehead, sending me down several steps.

"Hm... You're weaker than I thought." My copy said as I was struggling to my feet.

"It's been a while since I've fought hand-to-hand..." I coughed, wiping some blood from my lip.

"Give up and make it easier on yourself." He said, frowning down at me.

"Never!" I shouted, tackling him, smashing his back into the stairs and causing him to drop the rifle. He growled and slammed his fist, which felt more like a hoof, into my face, breaking my nose again.

'Oh you mother fucker...' I thought with a growl, but was kicked off him and sent rolling down a few steps. As I got to my feet, the last thing I felt was something very solid smash into my temple, before going unconscious instantly.

I woke up in really bad pain. And blind.

Whoever makes movies that show the main character get up like he didn't just get his ass handed to him needs to be shot. Jesus it hurt to move my head, but my nose was broken and I needed to fix it, and quickly.

'Sonofafuck I hope I don't have to do that again...' I grimly thought after fixing my nose and suppressing a scream this time. I knew that I was only trying to reassure myself, but I held onto the thought with an iron grip. Moving my hand around the ground, I noted that it was a little dusty and slightly glass-like. I also had my ceremonial sword in its sheath, but from what I could tell, my rifle was nowhere to be felt or found.

"Well that figures..." I muttered, and heard something shifting in the darkness. "Who's there?" I called out, slowly and painfully getting to my feet, a little drunkenly.

"I could ask you the same question..." A feminine voice replied.

"The REAL Princess Cadence?" I asked, shuffling towards her voice, not wanting to fuck my nose up again.

"Only if you can prove that you're not a Changeling." She replied.

"I just got the schisse kicked out of me. Even though I'm a Marine, I'm not afraid to admit it." I grunted, holding my aching side.

'Unless another human ends up here for some reason...' I added in my head.

"Anyway, do you have a way of lighting up our prison? Bloody difficult when I can't see dick." I asked.

"I can tell you're not a Changeling, due to you using words that Timeithian knows. I know a spell, but it's a little wearing for long periods of time." Cadence replied, before slowly lighting up the cave, allowing our eyes to adjust. Cadence's magic aura was a somewhat light blue, which calmed me a little.

"So, what can you tell me about yourself while we're trapped down here?" I asked, poking around the walls.

"I'm the Princess of Love. I used to be a foalsitter. I'm supposed to be getting married." She deadpanned at the last one.

"Who'd you babysit?" I asked, scraping at a suspicious dirt patch, getting crystal instead of a hole or something.

"A lot of Unicorns that live in Canterlot. From what Timeithian told me, you know one of them." She said.

"He prefers to be called Dawn." I said, pointing at her. "And how come you haven't tried to escape yet?"

"Magical interference and too weak at the moment even if I could." She admitted.

"Alrighty then. So, was the Unicorn I know Rarity?" I asked, glacing around again before drawing my sword and turning it into a sledgehammer.

"No, it wa-" She started, but was cut off as I smashed the 20 pound head into a wall, and let out a yelp of pain as I dropped the hammer, clutching my right arm. All I got for my efforts was a small chunk of crystal, the size of a golf ball.

"Note to self; don't try that again..." I panted, trying to feel my arm. All that I achieved was pain.

'Yup. It's fucking broken...' I thought furiously.

"Are you alright?!" She asked, wearily getting onto her hooves and coming to me as I clutched the broken part as gently as possible.

"You wouldn't happen to know any healing magic, would you?" I asked, trying to ward off the pain. She shook her head worriedly, causing me to sigh. "Fuckin' figures... Well, I'm not alright at the moment. Impact broke my bloody arm. And Christ knows how long we're going to be down here..." I answered, frowning. Cadence looked very worried, but also looked confused.

"Who's Christ?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. I sighed and gingerly sat down, not wanting to rupture an artery and end my life.

"To know who Christ is, you have to know what religion is. Do you?" I started, looking up at her.

"No..." She muttered.

"Don't worry 'bout it, I'll explain. Celestia and Luna move the sun and moon, correct?" At her confirmation, I continued. "What if, one day, they just suddenly disappeared without a trace? But the sun and moon continued moving? Would you believe that they were still doing it?"

"Of course." She said, probably thinking I was dumb.

"You have no proof that they are! That's pretty much what religion is. A long time ago, some humans saw something extrodinary but couldn't explain it, so they made up gods for it. Gods were doing the same thing that Celestia, Luna, you, and Dawn are known for doing. Nobody except a few claimed to have saw them in person, but they worshipped them anyway." I said what I could remember about Egyptian and Greek gods. "Over time, religion branched out from many gods to one God, and the people who worshipped the one God were called Jews. From the Jews branched out Christians, who followed the Son of God, Jesus Christ. I'm an Athiest, but I use Jesus' name from time to time without insulting His name. Don't know if there is really a God out there, but I honestly don't want to be on his bad side if there is." I explained.

"Hm..." She said, clearly delving deeply into her mind to think. I simply glared at the walls, wishing that I had my rifle at the moment.

'Oh crystal wall, you're soooo bloody lucky my magical beating stick can't turn into a M79 'China Lake'...' I thought with a vengeance, wishing them to explode. As if on some unknown command, they did, sending dust everywhere. When we finished coughing and the crystal dust faded, Twilight was standing there. Or a Changeling, but I wasn't taking my chances.

"If you're Twilight, you'll know why I didn't wear my cover on in the train." I said, unsheathing my sword with my good hand before she could react. If she wanted to, I wouldn't be able to keep a grip on the sword handle.

"You said it was because of some military tradition..." She said after a moment, eyeing the sharp object an inch from her face.

"Cadence is the real one. We both got knocked out and trapped here." I explained, before painfully straightening my arm.

"What happened?!" Twilight asked worriedly. I shot a glance at Cadence, who mouthed, 'not a soul.' Pleased, I looked back at Twilight.

"Stairs seem to hate me. Mind fixing it?" I half pleaded. Twilight nodded and shot a purple laser at my arm, making it tingly and give off a small stab of pain before it fixed itself. Flexing my fingers, I looked past Twilight and noticed a tunnel.

"I should probably cast an endurance spell on you, along with a speed spell..." Twilight muttered, before doing so. "There, now you can keep up with us!" She declared, before nodding at Cadence and running down the tunnel, me following. Due to Twilight doing her voodoo Unicorn magic upon my face, I was able to keep up with them easily. Then Cadence started singing.

"Why is she singing?" I quietly asked as Cadence stopped for a moment to rest, kneeling next to Twilight.

"I don't know." She replied just as quietly. As we went around the fucklarge caves, I only feared for my life once. We had to go down for some reason, using a mining cart. Well, I ended up flying at the end, and since I have neither wings or magic, I flew like a fucking rock. Twilight caught me though, causing me to sigh in relief.

"Figures..." I muttered as we stopped in front of a cave in.

'Has to be another way out...' I thought, the Hollywood Undead song coming to my mind for some reason. I shrugged inwardly as Cadence finished her song, and indeed saw another way out. Poking Twilight, I pointed up at the ledge that had the most beautiful thing I've seen today streaming out of it.

"There's sunlight up there. Think you can teleport the three of us?" I said. Twilight nodded, closed her eyes, and we appeared with a pop on another ledge, but this time there was a wide ass tunnel leading outside. My joy was interrupted quite suddenly, however.

"You're not going anywhere..." Three mares dressed up as flower girls omiously said, stalking closer to the three of us. I noticed that Lyra was one of them, along with Colgate.

'I don't know which one of the two scares me more; Colgate or Lyra. Lyra's just interested in humans, while Colgate gave me the scariest grin a pony could give when I had a quick checkup two days ago. And the fact that I woke up three hours later with my mouth strongly tasting of mint didn't help. I CAN STILL TASTE MINT!!!' I thought at the speed of light, wearily watching as they got closer.

Queen of the Cheeselegs

I quickly thought up of a plan, and before Cadence or Twilight could do anything, I made my sword turn back to normal and opened a can of whoop-ass upon the mares holding us back. They went down with a fight, of course. After about a minute of whirling around, dodging, kicking, and beating of the face and shins, I came out victorious.

"Fuck, my shins hurt." Was what I said, panting a little. Twilight looked upon me in pity, while Cadence opened her mouth.

"How could you go around and say profanities so easily?" Cadence asked, frowning at my vocabulary.

" Ma'am, I'm not from your world. My bloody world really didn't care how much I swore, unless I was swearing at them." I shrugged. "Need to go and stop the wedding. Twilight, I want to take care of my doppelganger myself." I requested. Twilight nodded, and a moment later there was a Marine, a student to Sunbutt, and a very pissed off Love Princess standing outside the wedding doors. We were a force to be reckoned with.

"Alright, here's the plan. Distract the one posing as Cadence while I go after mine. If Celestia somehow fails, don't worry about it." I said, before kicking open the door. We pretty much halted the wedding, right on time it seems. The Cadence imposer was shocked, to say the least.

"How did you get past my bridesmaids?!" She yelled across the room at us.

"Never leave a Marine with his weapon. It'll never end well for you." I yelled back. When I looked over at AJ, I saw that she was looking shocked, a little hurt, and plenty of guilty.

'Wonder what's wrong with AJ?' I thought. For some reason, I had put the crystal that I had chipped from the wall into my pocket, and I played with it while Cadence, Twilight, Imposer Cadence just started yelling at each other. Shining Armor was doing dick, which led me to the conclusion that he was brainwashed. Then Imposer Cadence burst into green flames, and when they died down, I got to see what a Changeling really looked like.

"She's a literal bug pony... Alicorn more like..." I muttered, before noticing something very important. "Oh shit, she's starving. She's a QUEEN, and she's starving..." I cursed, knowing that this changed everything, and drew my mighty pebble of doom. Celestia and Changeling Queen started fighting it out with lasers, and I knew it was time to act. Hoping my aim was true, I pulled my left arm back and my right arm forward (think of a Nazi salute) before lobbing the pebble as hard as I could.

'I know I don't believe in you God, but please let this hit where I need it to.' I silently thought, and almost shouted in victory when Celestia brought a hoof to her eye, distracted long enough for the Queen's laser to smash into her, knocking her down and having her crown dramatically fall off.

"Princess Celestia!" Twilight shouted, bolting towards her fallen mentor. I took this as my cue to go inside further, heading towards the six as they prepared to bolt. As I did, a flash of light behind me caused me to bring my baton up and what I saw behind me scared the hell out of me. Not for my safety, but for all of the ponies inside. There was a sniper standing there, confused as fuck. Dressed up in full blown sniper gear, too. He had an M4 loosely held in his grip, an M24 strapped to his back, an M9 in a hip holster, night vision goggles, and I'm pretty sure he had a knife hidden somewhere on his lower body. All while covered in a green ghillie suit.

"Find somewhere to hide, I'll explain later. That's an order, PFC!" I hissed when I moved his ghillie suit enough to see his rank. He stared at me for a second, saw that I was a Corporal, and nodded, going through a doorway. I turned back just in time to see AJ pause in front of me.

"Mark, Ah have somethin' to tell ya..." She mumbled, causing me to kneel down.

"Yes?" I asked, eyeing the Queen out of the corner of my eye.

"Well... Ah'm not a virgin anymore... Yer imposer took advantage of me..." She mumbled, and I felt the fury of a thousand suns well up inside me. But I didn't blame her. I would never blame her.

"Go get whatever you girls are rushing for. I'll take care of the Changeling." I said, holding back the anger from my voice.

"Applejack! Rarity!" Twilight yelled, and I noted that Rarity was catching falling dresses. AJ kissed me quickly before bolting out behind Rarity. Looking up at the various ledges, I saw that the sniper had taken refuge on one, his M24 pointing at the Queen and my imposter, but looking at me.

"When I point at him again, shoot the imposter." I mouthed, pointing at the Changeling for emphasis. He barely nodded, and followed me as I walked a brisk pace down the red carpeting towards the small group. Spike was there, looking between me and the Changeling in confusion. Celestia was lying to the side, knocked out completely. Armor was standing next to Spike, and I didn't notice Cadence at the time.

"What and who do we have here?" The Queen asked, her voice colliding with itself. Half of it was a normal female voice, while the other half was pure insect.

'Damn. If I wasn't with AJ, I'd probably want to go with her. Sexy as hell voice.' I thought.

"Could ask you the same thing." I replied. "You give me your name, I'll give you mine. I'll even throw in my species, if you want." I offered.

"I am Queen Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings." She answered.

"Corporal Mark Durnkinscoff of the USMC, EOD division. Species is Homo Sapiens, or less technically known as humans. You want to know what humans can do?" I replied, before pointing at the doppelganger of mine. He looked horrified just in time for his head and shoulders to disappear in a green explosion of green blood, black exoskeleton, bug flesh, and brain matter. His body sailed for a good ten feet.

'Intimidation; complete. Next phase.' I thought, before noting that Spike looked horrified. Poor lad has probably never even seen blood before.

"Now, I know what you're doing, more or less. Taking over Celestia's kingdom for food, due to you starving." I said, starting to pace. "What do you Changelings eat, anyway?"

"We eat emotions. Love is bountiful in Equestria." She replied, not even batting an eyelash at her fallen Changeling.

"Eh. Anyway, you're probably thinking that you beat Celestia fairly, correct?" When she nodded, I allowed myself to grin internally. "You would've lost, if I hadn't hit her in the eye with a crystal. I directly interfered with your fight, allowing you to win. Not because I respect you, but because I knew that she would've killed you if you lost."

"Why did you save me, then?" She asked, actually confused.

"Because if she would've killed you, she would pretty much kill off all Changelings. That's one thing I WILL not allow. She was going to preform Genocide, all because of you not asking for help." I explained.

"I did, though. Nine hundred years ago, but she turned me away without a second thought. I've lost so many subjects to starvation..." She said, and at this point, Dawn arrived. Spike bowed like the minion he was.

"We'll talk to the sniper later, Mark. Chrysalis, when Celestia pretty much metaphorically slapped you in the face, she was in a deep depression. It took her a hundred and fifty years to get her out." Dawn said, looking Chrysalis up and down.

"And who're you? I must admit, I haven't been keeping track of the Royal family, aside from Celestia and Cadence." Chrysalis asked.

"Prince Timeithian. Since I've returned, I'm in charge of the Equestrian Military." Dawn explained. Chrysalis nodded in respect to him, before turning to where the sniper was.

"And who is that?" She asked, pointing a hoof over at the ledge.

"Don't know. He just appeared behind me a few minutes ago. I'm sure he has his crosshairs centered in between your eyes, though." I commented. "Alright, let's talk about a treaty here. Might as well help you and us at the same time, unless you want your race to die off." I said, getting serious instantly.

"It'll be like this, pretty much. You agree to help me when I call for it, we'll send criminals to you with enough love poison to off a normal pony." Dawn summed it up.

"You guys have potions and shit?" I whispered in Dawn's ear.

"Yea. The CMCs decided to make one during Hearts and Hooves Day. Valentines' Day, pretty much. Wasn't pretty. Who knew that when Big Mac was determined enough, that he could pull an entire bloody house?" He whispered back. I stared at him, but remembered that the Laws of Physics were mearly suggestions here.

"So, what do we do until the girls get back?" I asked.

"Might as well introduce ourselves to your sniper." Dawn said, shrugging. I then realized that Cadence was here, tied down by some sort of green shit.

"How in the crap did I not notice you?" I asked after I waved the guy down, looking at her. She attempted to shrug, but couldn't.

"I've been quiet. I don't need to say anything, really." She replied.

"Between you, Dawn, and Celestia, you're my favorite Princess. More down to earth. Haven't spent enough time with Luna yet, so I can't judge her." I said, before turning and eyeing the PFC.

"Yea?" He simply said, standing with his M4 back in hand, loosely held.

"Name. Already know your rank." I said, getting to the introductions.

"PFC Duffy." He said, giving me a salute.

"Corporal Durnkinscoff. You a Marine, Duffy?" I asked.

"Yes. Sniper division. Where the hell am I, and why are these weird horses talking?" He asked, giving a look over at Cadence, Dawn, and Chrysalis.

"Welcome to Equestria, Duffy." I said with a straight face. "Population, a bunch of ponies and other shit." He just narrowed his eyes at me, but sighed and nodded.

"Alright. Guess it's not the worst place to live." He finally said, before going off to the side and started field-stripping his M9. As we waited for the others to return, I noticed that the Changeling that lost his head was still disguised as me, except for not having a head.

"Hey, Chrysalis? When a Changeling dies, why doesn't it turn back to its normal body?" I asked, looking at the bug Queen. She appeared to be deep in thought, so I spent my time trying to clear the shit from Cadence's hooves.

"And when they come back, you should release Armor from the mindfuckery." I added, barely looking up before going back to my self induced task.

Author's Note

Note; Mark IS NOT going to be the only human visiting Equestria. Before you bitch/gripe/revolt, this also means that you're allowed to PM/comment me any OCs that you want.

Be adivsed that you will not see your OCs feature until about chapter 60 (other site's time), which I'm working on right now.

Castle Happenings

There were three important happenings; Celestia was hanged on the ceiling with a cocoon, while Shining Armor was released. Before he could do anything though, Chrysalis knocked him out. And Dawn left, saying he had something along the lines of 'military bullshit' to do. He said those exact words. And fuck you for reading my journal. If you're AJ though, I mean it literally.

"He would've probably attacked us as soon as he regained his bearings." Chrysalis said. I shrugged and looked down at Cadence's hooves again.

"Be lucky I don't have a foot fetish." I muttered up at her.

"You're weird." She muttered back. I gave her a shit-eating grin and resumed my task, while Duffy just cleaned his weapons. At one last wipe, I had freed Cadence. Just in time for the six mares that left about thirty minutes ago come back in, escorted by about fifty Changelings.

"Overkill much?" I muttered.

"I had every available Changeling invade the city." Chrysalis explained. I rolled my eyes and watch as five of them glared at Chrysalis, while AJ looked over at the body of my doppelganger in horror.

Chrysalis looked down at my chest in confusion for a split second. "Why is your shirt bulging ever so slightly?" She asked.

"Recorder that's solar charged. I keep a journal, and I have a shitty memory." I replied, before turning and actually looked at the six's expressions.

'They've probably never seen a popped head before.' I grimly thought, wiping some green shit from my hands.

"Hey! Before you all get bitchy," I yelled, getting flinches when they looked at me, "she's not going to do anymore bloody harm. We had a nice little 'chat' and she's passive until someone goes full retard and fucks this treaty up." I said, the second half with a glance up at the wrapped up Celestia.

"How can we be shure she didn' brainwash ya?" Applejack hesitantly asked, looking up at me with a little fear. None of them noticed Duffy, though.

'Shit, that ghillie suit's good if it's green and they can't see him.' I thought, before tapping next to one of my eyes.

"Irises aren't lime green. Shiny's were." I said. "Same color as Chrysalis' eyes, anyway." I added, jabbing a thumb in the Changeling Queen's direction. At a wave of her left cheese leg, the Changelings surrounding the mares backed off and waited for further orders.

"Would you care to take them to the entrance to the crystal caves?" Chrysalis asked of me.

"Only if I could get a companion or two. Fuck, I was knocked out by one of your bloody spies. I admit, I haven't gotten into hand-to-hand combat for a while, so I was a little bit out of touch." I then looked at Duffy.

"I guess I'll come..." He sighed, getting to his feet.

"Good enough. Keep your M4 out, just in care we need it." I said, while noting that the Changeling had dropped my Kar98k somewhere nearby. I quickly picked it up, chambered a round, and nodded.

"Ya'll better be careful, ya hear?" AJ said to me quietly. I nodded and looked at the only Changeling in the room still, besides Chrysalis. The bug had a green saddle looking thing on it's back instead of blue, like Chrysalis did.

"Get the others to follow me. We're going on a little trip." I ordered. It simply nodded and buzzed outside while Duffy and I walked out calmly. And my jaw dropped as soon as I saw the Changelings.

"Fuck..." Duffy muttered as we looked at the thousands of Changelings floating above the castle. I shook my head and pointed at the hole that Cadence, Twilight, and I came out of.

"Put them in there until Chrysalis comes to get you." I said. The Changeling that I sent ahead nodded, and ordered the fuckton of Changelings down there before following.

"Well... What now?" Duffy finally said, looking over at me.

"Go back inside and chill?" I suggested, getting a shrug. "And you won't need the ghillie suit. Can't imagine that it's comfortable in it." I got another shrug.

'Introvert much? Hasn't said much since he arrived.' I thought, but shrugged back and walked inside. AJ was the first to come over to me, giving me a rather tight hug.

"I told you I would take care of him." I muttered.

"Did'ja have to kill him?" She asked, looking at me.

"Trust me; if I had my way he would still be alive, except he would be wishing that I killed him." I said, deathly serious. Applejack gulped and weakly nodded, letting go of me.

'Shit. Wrong thing to say.' I thought, mentally facepalming.

"I'm sorry for scaring you AJ, but I'm not lying." I apologized.

"Ah know, sugarcube. That's what worries me..." She muttered the second half, but I heard it anyway. I internally winced, but decided to say nothing, instead standing back up and clearing my throat.

"You're staying at the castle tonight, and will still be attending the wedding, which is being done in two days." Dawn said, but didn't appear.

"Well, I guess I could show you all to some guest rooms..." Twilight said after a moment, rubbing her chin with a hoof. I found it hilarious that none of them noticed Celestia, who was awake by now.

"Wait for me in the hall." I said, waving them off. They did so cautiously, and I turned to Chrysalis.

"Yes?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Two things. Don't fuck with them, and you're able to leave now. Just don't try some shit like this again." I said, before going to the massive doors.

'If I was a complete dick, I'd leave Celestia up there...' I thought, wanting to do just that.

"You should take Sunbutt down, too. Can't imagine that it's comfortable up there." I said, before slipping out and joining the others. We ambled around for a little while, pretty much getting lost several times.

'How in the fuck is the castle this big? I swear, we passed that kitchen TEN TIMES ALREADY!' I thought, before Twilight led us down a new hallway.

"Everypony can just take an unoccupied room." She said, looking back at us.

"Pick a random one, AJ." I said as the others chose theirs.

"How about this one?" She asked, opening a door. And quickly shut it, a deep blush across her face. "Never mind..." I face palmed and nudged open a different door, thankfully getting an eyefull of empty room.

"Might as well copy down today's journal. Glad that I still have my backpack. Had a notebook and quill in it." I muttered, unslinging my rifle and backpack while kicking the door shut. AJ flopped down onto the bed while I got undressed and eased my recorder off of my chest, wincing as I lost a few hairs. After listening to the recording, I put my notebook back into my backpack and threw it in a random direction before joining Applejack in bed.

Author's Note

Sorry 'bout the wait. I had a serious case of the flu and today was the first day I was able to get onto the Internet.

Third

The next morning, I woke up before AJ for once. I was pleasantly surprised.

"Huh. Well, might as well take a walk..." I muttered, sliding out of bed and getting dressed. Once done, I left the room as quietly as possible after scribbling a note for AJ, telling her where I went. I put the note on her face, so she wouldn't miss it. What surprised me in the hallway was a Princess. Not Cadence or Celestia, but a tired looking Luna.

"Greetings, Mark." She said, before yawning.

"Aren't you tired? Go to sleep." I said. She looked guilty about something, and glanced in the direction of Duffy's room.

"I will, but I have something to discuss with you first." She said, and beckoned me to follow. I shrugged and complied, matching her stride with my own. As I walked, I noted that I needed to get my uniform repaired, and decided to ask this of Rarity.

'Now, what does she want to talk about?' I thought, rubbing my chin in thought. She answered my unspoken question several seconds later.

"I have to tell you something about the other human." She said, causing me to look at her.

"Yes, Luna?" I rose my eyebrow.

"I... Might have brought him here by accident..." She said sheepishly, looking down.

"Thought that only Dawn could do that." I said, mildly surprised.

"I was asleep at the time. My powers amplify during the night and in my dreams." She explained.

"Well, at least he's another United States Marine Corps soldier. I won't feel as lonely now, with another soldier to talk with. Even if he tends to stay away from others..." I said, muttering the last part to myself.

"You mean, you're not angry at me?" She asked, surprised. I stopped and looked at her in her teal eyes.

"No, lass. If anything, I'm glad. You brought a dead soldier of my country here, in a land full of relative peace. He'll stick out like a white man in a black bar, but that's besides the point." She didn't get the reference. I'm pretty sure anyone else besides Duffy will, except for Dawn.

'Well, I can make as many racist jokes as I want to, but it's not funny if nobody gets it.' I thought, rolling my eyes internally.

"Anyway, if you bring anyone else into this country, make sure to tell me or Dawn first. Celestia would probably just kill them with extreme prejudice." I said. Luna smiled at me.

"Thank you for understanding." She said, before giving me a hug. I'll admit, I was surprised as hell to react. That, and the fact that I was holding most of her weight upon my body, it took all that I could to keep standing. I managed to get an arm around her, and awkwardly patted her back.

"You're welcome, Lulu." I said, making up the nickname on the spot. What happened next was so far into the left field that I was frozen in place.

"Auntie Lulu!" A colt screamed as he galloped towards us. What really killed my mind at the scene was that it was a mini Red Dawn. He had exactly the same colors, mane style, and was a fucking Alicorn to boot.

"Must you do this?" Luna asked, while I just stood there, frozen in place. The colt grinned evilly when he saw my facial expression.

"Wake the fuck up, Mark." He said, using words that children shouldn't know.

"How...?" I stammered, looking at him.

"This is actually my real form. I used a very tricky spell when Luna was Nightmare Moon, and for doing so, I ended up in a colt's body." He explained.

"You look smaller than Applebloom." I observed, rubbing my chin after regaining my wit.

"Don't remind me..." He muttered, frowning.

"So, what's with you being a stallion yesterday?" I asked, waving my hand around.

"He uses that form for important occasions. Queen Chrysalis was one of them." Luna interjected, looking around. "I might as well go and sleep... I'll see you two later, maybe?"

"Bye Auntie Lulu!" Dawn chirped with a retarded grin.

"Bye Auntie Lulu!" I said in the same tone, but got hit with a hoof for it. Damn, hooves hurt like hell. After I finished coughing up a storm, Dawn looked up at me with a blank expression.

"Don't do that again. Celestia and Luna barely tolerate me for it, because it's extremely hard to call them by their name when they're around. Something about this form pegged them as 'Auntie' in my head. Won't bloody go away for another 98 years or so. Anyway, I need to sleep, too. Bloody generals wanting to go attack Chrysalis..." He said before trotting off, leaving me alone in the hallway. That is, until Lyra literally popped out of nowhere, similar as to how Pinkie did when she rose forth from the ground at the picnic.

I managed to keep myself from screaming, but I never knew that I could jump backwards more than a few feet. Lyra giggled to herself before trotting over to me.

"I never knew that humans could jump like that!" She said excitedly, bouncing up and down in a way that reminded me a little of Applebloom.

"I didn't either, lass..." I muttered while looking around, before putting my back to the wall and sliding down until I was sitting. She sat down next to me in a very similar position.

'Isn't that fucking uncomfortable for her? I mean, she's a fucking Unicorn!' I thought, but didn't say anything. I suddenly found my body craving something that I haven't consumed in a while.

"Hey, Lyra. Do you ponies have a drink called coffee?" I asked, also wishing for a cigarette. She looked at me, confused.

"No. Why?" Well, damn. There went my morning cup of joe for the rest of my new life.

"It's nothing, lass." I sighed. She frowned at my reply but didn't say anything, for the moment.

"Well, do you want to go get breakfast?" Lyra asked.

"Yea, I'll go get AJ and we can amble around this bloody castle until lunch time." I said, getting to my feet with a groan. We quickly picked up Applejack, quite literally on my part, and did as I commented before; wander around the fucklarge castle while looking for the kitchen.

"Um, could'ja let me down, Sugarcube?" Applejack asked once she woke up, slung over my shoulder as comfortably as I could get her. I stopped, bent down, and let her slide off.

"Now, could you help us find the kitchen? We're bloody hungry." I asked, waving at Lyra and myself. AJ narrowed her eyes when she saw Lyra, but nodded and led us in the direction in which we were going. Along the way, we ran into Rarity.

"Oh my! What ever happened to your uniform?!" Rarity gasped, recoiling a little at the state of said uniform.

"I'm surprised you didn't notice yesterday. I got into two fights, one with a Changeling and the other with Lyra, Colgate, and the other original bridesmaid." I explained. "And I spent an unknown amount of time in a cave, coating myself and Princess Cadence with dust." She seemed to shudder at the mention of dust, but I ignored her.

"Well... I could take it and repair it, if you'd like." Rarity offered.

"Seems fine with me." I said. She waited several moments, holding out a hoof. "OH! You want to do it now?"

"Yes, Mark." She replied, keeping her hoof stretched. I sighed and stripped to my skivvies, putting everything except the sword over her hoof. "Everything, please." I didn't understand, until I noticed that she meant my underwear too.

"Hell no! I'm uncomfortable enough as it is without the rest of my clothes!" I exclaimed, backing up. The three seemed confused as hell, and voiced as much.

'...Sigh...' I thought, decided to give them a crash-course in human anatomy, and dropped my boxers. The reactions that were created hit my expectations right on the dot. All three blushed deeply, while Lyra and AJ had an unusually predator-like grin on their faces.

"On second thought...You can keep that on..." Rarity coughed after a second. I complied, slipping my boxers back on rather quickly.

"Incoming!" Dawn shouted from nowhere, as something crashed through the window and plowed into me, sending me and the unknown assaultant to the ground.

"What in tarnation!" Applejack shouted as something pooled around the pair of us, and it felt oddly familiar.

"Parachute?" Was all that came out of my mouth as I groaned and pushed the body off of me, trying my damnest to get out of the parachute. Then the realization of what, exactly, smashed into me hit me like a brick.

"Ugh..." Another human groaned, opening his eyes. I'm pretty sure he was in shock, and from what he saw I couldn't blame him. Two oddly colored unicorns, an orange earth pony, and an almost naked man were staring down at him. He promptly passed out, right there on the rug.

From what I could tell by his appearance was that he was a US Army paratrooper, 101st Airborne Division when I noted the patch on his suit. He was about 5'10", looked 22, and had a small blood spot on his forehead, with a small indent that made me thing that he was sniped while dropping in somewhere. Spread around us was a rifle, a pistol, and two grenades (which would've gone off by now if the pin was accidentally pulled).

"Grab those weapons, Lyra. I'll drag him into the nearest bedroom and make sure his condition's stable. Rarity, go with Applejack and get a lot of food; if I'm right, he's going to be very bloody hungry." I said, snapping into my serious mode at the drop of a hat. Without waiting for any vocal agreements, I wrapped my arms around the soldier's chest from behind and started dragging him, being careful of the parachute.

"Ah'll be right back, sugarcube!" AJ exclaimed as her and Rarity ran off, while Lyra picked up the fallen weapons in a dull yellow aura. I kicked open the nearest door, which was probably a bad thing because I made a certain purple unicorn jump out of bed in fright and almost lost half of my hair to a laser.

"Twilight! Stand the hell down! I've got a wounded human here!" I shouted as she looked at me confusedly. "And don't question as to why I'm just wearing skivvies. Just, don't." I added, dragging the paratrooper (if the patch is authentic) further into the room, allowing Twilight to see him.

"What happened?!" She asked, hopping down from her bed.

"He crashed into the hallway through a window, landing on top of me. Help me get him onto the bed, sumbitch is heavy with all this gear." I grunted, not used to carrying two hundred pounds of unconcious meat and gear. With the help of a familiar purple aura, I managed to get the guy onto the bed, and proceeded to strip all of his shit off of him.

"What are you doing?" Lyra asked, popping up next to me.

"I'm checking for anymore wounds. It's possible that he could've been seriously cut up when he smashed through the window." I explained, wriggling him out of the parachute first.

'And I'm checking for other bullet holes, just in case.' I mentally added.

"What's that smell?" Twilight suddenly asked, holding a hoof to her nose. Lyra did the same after sniffing, and I subconscously sniffed too.

"Sulfur. It's found around active volcanos..." I trailed off at the end when I got a good look at his uniform.

'United States Army, 101st Airborne Division. Looks around WWII. Son of a bitch...' I thought.

"I'm pretty sure I know where he was when he died..." I muttered, slipping his shirt off.

"Where?" Lyra asked, having heard me due to being in very close proximity.

"An island in the Pacific called Iwo Jima. Our navy, marines, and army invaded it during World War II. One out of three men were casualties, mostly fatal. From the way he literally dropped in, I'm guessing that he didn't even feel the ground beneath his feet before he died." I explained, unlacing his boots and tugging them off to get his pants off.

'One does not simply remove pants before the boots, after all. Managed it once, but it took a bloody long time.' (True story, bro.) I thought, before sliding his pants off and searching his uniform for his wallet.

"What're you doing now?" Twilight asked, standing on the other side of the bed.

"Checking for this PFC's identification." I answered, pulling what I was looking for out of his trousers. Flipping it open, I took a quick look at his driver's licence before placing it on the nightstand and neatly put his pants with the rest of his shit.

'Alright. Name's Jeremy Williams. He's a Private First Class in the United States Army. Don't particuarly get along with most of the Grunts, but I'll try my best to with him.' I thought, before looking back at Lyra.

"Lass, could you levitate his weapons to me?" I asked, holding an arm out. She nodded and passed them over, the grenades going first (which I was careful as fuck about), followed by his rifle and pistol.

"That's a bigass knife..." I muttered in German, slipping into my other known language. The unicorns were confused, but I ignored them. Instead, I detached the 16 inch bayonet from the end of Williams' M1 Garand, placing it next to the grenades and the pile of ammunition I made. I manually ejected the clip from it, getting a metallic 'ping' in response. The pistol was an M1911, which I unloaded it and popped the bullet that was in the chamber, also going next to the pile of weapons.

"That's a lot of stuff..." Twilight muttered, looking over the weapons.

"Psh. That's considered light. Paratroopers didn't hold nearly as much ammunition on them, as the rest was airdropped along with them." I said. "Should've seen what the German MG42 squads had in the way of bullets. THAT'S a lot of stuff. Probably about 300 bullets per belt, and every man in the squad had one to three belts, with usually five men per squad." I shuddered a little, thinking of all the spraying and praying one squad alone could do.

'Jeez. That would pretty much mean 'fuck you!' to whoever was on the recieving end of the barrel.' I thought, before flipping Williams over to check his back.

"Nope. Single bullet to the brain socket, just like I thought. He'll wake up soon feeling like hell, probably, but he'll be ticking like the rest of us." I finally said, putting him back on his back. After settling down in a chair, I looked at the unicorns.

"Yes?" Lyra asked, looking at me with a grin.

"You two might want to leave. If he wakes up and sees you two, there's no telling what he'll do. I'm safe, seeing as I'm a human." I said, waving them out. After they left, I had a thought and decided to get his measurements. Rather than look for a measuring tape, I simply slid on his uniform. The pants were a little short, where I could see my lower calves easily.

'He's 2 inches shorter than me. That'll make him 5'10"...' I thought, stripping out of his clothes and decided to wait for Rarity to inform her.

[Nighttime]

"Sumbitch's taking too long to wake up..." I muttered, having spent all bloody day in Twilight's room with the unconcious PFC. Rarity and AJ arrived earlier with a bigass plate of apple products, and I pretty much told them the same thing as I told Twi and Lyra. I also gave Rarity his measurements and quickly drew a new dress uniform for him, considering that he's pretty much forced into a wedding. They left without the food, and I spent the rest of the day field cleaning his weapons to keep myself from boredom, eating only when my stomach decided to let its discomfort known.

"How is he?" A voice asked, causing me to look up from my chair. Luna had half her body in the doorway, looking in cautiously.

"Still knocked out. I'm not a bloody medic, but I can tell that he's still alive. Just knocked out." I replied, putting the M1911 back together within seconds. Luna looked impressed with my skill in maintaining the very familiar pistol.

"That's remarkable." She said, closing the door behind her.

"Had one just like this, before I got a faceful of evil flower." I replied, blowing a speck of dust off of the trigger guard. I watched as Luna walked up to Williams and tapped his bullet wound with her horn, and whatever voodoo shit she did woke him the fuck up.

"AGH!" He screamed, clutching at his head. I was out of the chair and at his side like a bullet, forcing him back down.

"Calm down, soldier!" I shouted, holding him tightly. He looked around in confusion, while Luna hid from his eyes.

"W-Where am I?" He asked after a moment, looking at me. "And why aren't you wearing clothes?"

"I'm ignoring the second one for now. First off, you're safe, so don't worry about being attacked. Second, you're not on Iwo Jima anymore." I answered. "What do you remember about the drop?"

"Uh... I remember seeing a gun firing below us when I jumped, and a sudden pain in my forehead..." He said, before his eyes widened. "A-Am I dead?" He quietly asked. I sighed, hoping to avoid this conversation for a while.

"Yes, Jeremy, you're dead. Someone who lives in this dimention decided you've deserved a second chance, though." I answered. "And he ain't human." I added.

"What do you mean by that? Did God do this?" He asked, slowly sitting up.

"Not really. Meet one of the rulers of the country we're in; Princess Luna." I said, waving her forward. She came out of the darkness with...

'Holy shit, is she BLUSHING?!' I was very surprised, to say the least. Looking at Williams, I could tell that he was, too. 'Well then! Operation Shut-In is now a go!' Completely making up the name and operation, I got up and excused myself.

"I really need some sleep. I'll see you two later, perhaps at the wedding?" I called from the door. As soon as Luna started to come with me, I slammed the door shut and braced it as best as I could.

"Open the door, Mark!" Luna shouted from behind said door, after testing the door.

"I know what you think about Williams!" I shouted back. "Consider this a bonding experience, and try to get to first base!" I added, bracing again after she kicked it.

"Let me out!”

“It’ll keep you from doing work.” I deadpanned, offering the thing that usually motivated me when I felt lazy.

“...Fine... I’ll stay in here for a while, I guess...” She finally said, succumbing to defeat, her feelings, and an excuse to stay away from prompous royal twits.

“Good girl. Stay in there as long as you want.” I said, standing straight and waiting for a few seconds. The clopping of hooves told me that she was going deeper into the bedroom to talk to Williams.

‘Alright, now to find AJ...’ I groaned, realizing that I had no clue as to where she was. I grit my teeth and started randomly opening doors, shutting them when I got closets, bathrooms, unoccupied bedrooms, and occupied bedrooms. When I thought I finally opened the right door...

“Get the fuck out of my office.” Dawn said, throwing a stamp at my face. It was so far into left field that I just stared until the large DENIED stamp smashed into my face, downing me. As I struggled to get up, the door was magically shut and I looked in a nearby window, seeing DENIED stamped in red across my face.

‘...Fuck it. I’ll just sleep right here...’ I thought, pressing my back against the wall and closing my eyes, drifting off into sleep.

Wedding

I woke up with the feeling of a few pounds of cloth being dumped upon my crotch.

“Up and at ‘em Jarhead. Get dressed, the wedding’s starting in twenty minutes.” Dawn said, looking down at me. “And wipe the ink off of your face.” After he said that, I got a wet as fuck washcloth to the face. I quickly wiped myself down in various places, got my uniform on, and considered myself decent.

"...Still smell a little funny, but whatever..." I muttered, walking after Dawn, who was wearing what I figured was a pony's version of military clothing.

'Looks like he's a general... More than likely self appointed...' I frowned.

"Did you appoint yourself as a general?" I asked cautiously.

"Yes, but I'm telling you one thing right now; I did it so I could get closer to my troops. Sure, they're intimidated by my rank, but if we went to war right now with the Griffons, I would be on the front lines alongside my men." He replied.

"The way it works with my military, the Generals stayed behind the front lines and commanded their forces that way. It was pretty effective, but information could take its sweet time to get to them, and sometimes say something other than what is really going on." I said. Dawn hmm'd at that, but didn't comment.

"We're here. I really don't know if Chrysalis will do anything, but be prepared for anything." He said when we slipped in a back door, ending up behind Celestia in the wedding hall. She was the pastor, for some reason. Duffy and Williams were standing around near her, looking slightly confused.

"Alright, here's the plan. Duffy, go up on one of the overlooks and set up shop. Williams, you're on the other side of this bloody hall. I'll be near Cadence, but be ready to protect the shit out of her. Any questions?" I said. There were none, so I sent them on their way. Williams managed to find a chair near the big ass doors where I posted him and promptly sat down. It took me a minute to find out where Duffy set up shop; he was right above me and lying down so it would be hard to see him.

"It's about to start." Dawn said to me about a minute before Cadence was supposed to make her entrance. Shiny and Twilight took their positions about three feet from me, and the bridesmaids were across from us by about ten feet. The cerimony started and I pretty much spent the entire time making faces at AJ and Dash, while Twilight kept giving me small glares.

The wedding was alright. The flower girls, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom were cute as hell. As soon as it was over, I hijacked Applejack from her friends and managed to secure a side room to have a discussion in relative privacy.

"What's this about, Sugarcube?" Applejack asked once I secured the door.

"I'm pretty sure you know AJ." I answered, keeping my voice even while not facing her. She sighed and I heard her scuff the floor with a hoof.

"Yea... Ah know what ya mean..." She hesitantly said.

"That said, I don't really care. I mean, I'm not a virgin, and you're not. We're both experienced." I suddenly said, turning around. She had a look of shock, that's for sure.

"Ya... Ya ain't mad at me?" She slowly asked.

"Why in the hell would I be mad at you? You thought that Changeling was me, and you thought you had sex with me, until I popped up at the wedding. If anything, I'm mad at myself for getting my ass handed to me from a bug." I answered truthfully. "Hell, if anything, it makes our bond a tad bit stronger."

"What do ya mean?" She was sounding a lot more relaxed, now.

"We both went through a hardship and our relationship is still intact. We still love each other." I explained, getting on my knees and spreading my arms out. She got the idea and settled herself in for a hug, and stayed there for quite a while. If I had to take a guess, we were in that position for a good ten minutes.

"Yo! Get your asses out here, Luna's looking for Mark!" Dawn shouted from behind the door.

"I'll be out in a minute!" I called, before turning to Applejack.

"Ah love ya..." She whispered. In my response, I smiled and kissed her deeply. She blushed furiously when I pulled away, but had a goofy grin on her face. I bopped her on the nose and ran out before she could retaliate against me. Dawn shook his head at me and turned into colt Dawn, before bounding off like an idiot.

"The shit I see nowadays..." I muttered, jogging after him. The next thing I know, I'm faceplanting and Dawn is laughing dementedly.

"Well now! So that's what you look like when you're a pony..." He muttered, probably circling me.

'Oh schisse...' I thought, cracking open an eye to see a familiar tan hoof where my hand was.

"DAWN!!!" I shouted, furious at him. I'm pretty sure that being a filly didn't seem very intimidating, as he gave me a shit-eating grin.

"Gotta catch me to get turned back!" He shouted, zipping off. I growled and stuggled to my hooves. And suddenly, Twilight!

"Oh, what's a filly like you doing down here?" Twilight asked, appearing when I finally got walking on four legs down again.

"Uh, I was just looking for Princess Luna..." I hesitantly said, looking up at her. She looked confused, but smiled a little.

"She's probably asleep right now... Uh, what's your name?" She asked. I racked my brain for what I called this body, said fuck it, and made a new one up on the spot.

"It's Sand Dune..." I said, scuffing the floor with a hoof. She was about to say something, but there was a weird sounding explosion and a weird ass rainbow appeared in the window next to us. I would say that I didn't jump three feet into the air and let out a yelp, but Twilight still holds that over me.

'That... was fucking random.' I thought, shaking my head. Twilight said something and started leading me somewhere.

"Could you take me to Prince Timeithian then?" I hesitantly asked, looking up at her with my big ass eyes. I made them water a little, giving Twilight a look that could probably rival Applebloom's. Her possible protest dissolved as she sighed and nodded, continuing to walk me somewhere. We were outside when I spotted my target.

"Thanks, love." I said in my best impersonation of my own voice, bolting towards the Alicorn colt before she could respond. I noticed that Duffy was eyeing me cautiously, considering that I was creeping around and he didn't know who I was. When I managed to get up next to Dawn, I stabbed his ass with my horn and gave him a shit-eating grin.

"Turn me the fuck back. Now." I growled. He simply giggled before doing his voodoo magic and I stood up straight, glad to still have clothes on. I cracked my neck and noticed that everyone in the garden that I was in was staring at me.

'Oh. Right.' I mentally facepalmed, before sighing.

"Two ponies walked into a bar. The third one ducked." I said, smirking when most of the guests groaned at my terrible joke and went back to whatever they were doing.

"Christ almighty..." Williams muttered as he walked over to me along with Duffy.

"Ran into an evil flower patch when I first arrived here. Apparently, that pretty much gave me another form." I explained.

"Evil flower?" Duffy asked, raising an eyebrow.

"This world doesn't work like Earth. Mythical creatures are common here, as you can tell by the unicorns and pegasi blathering around us. Magic is another example of how different the worlds are." I explained further. He seemed to approve of the explanation by nodding.

"So, why did you turn into a girl unicorn?" Williams asked.

"Don't rightly know. And here it's 'filly', not 'girl'. Foal instead of kid, because everyone would think you're talking about a goat." I said, shrugging. As night fell, the three of us idled around, watching the ponies do what they consider dancing.

"Jesus, they're simply pushing up against each other with their chests..." I muttered, running my hands over my shaved head. Williams looked at me worriedly, and I silently cursed.

"I'm not a Nazi, I was born about fifty years after you were." I said, looking around. "I'm in the USMC, dealing with explosives." I added. He looked a little confused.

"Like mortars?" He asked.

"Not really. I work more alongside roadside bombs and the like. You're lucky you were born when the Nazis and Japanese didn't bury homemade bombs in the road for us to drive over. I safely disposed of them right where they were." I explained, getting a little more in depth of what I did for him. Duffy didn't need the explanation, as he was from my time period.

"Hello everypony, did I miss anything?" Luna asked suddenly, touching down next to us.

"I won't really answer that, considering that I'm not a pony." I muttered.

"Nothing major, Lulu." Williams said with a small smile.

'Christ, I would've gotten kicked for that. And he gets a fucking blush for it!' I thought, rolling my eyes. I still grinned though, patting Williams' back.

"You hooked a good mare, man. Treat her like she's the only woman alive." I muttered in his ear, before walking off to find the DJ.

'Wondering where she is? Then again, the DJ could be a guy, too...' I thought. Pinkie Pie answered my unspoken question by dragging a white unicorn mare from nowhere and shouted.

"Let's get this party started!" With that, music came out of the speakers and Twilight started singing. I admit, she was a really good singer. As I listened, I noticed that the DJ lifted her purple shades up and had some of the most beautiful red eyes that I've seen.

'If I wasn't with AJ, I probably would offer to bed with her.' I thought, rubbing the stubble that snuck upon my face. I just shrugged and decided to enjoy the night that sadly didn't contain booze.

It was alright, for a wedding.

What.

The next morning, I woke up next to Applejack.

'I don't even remember what the fuck happened.' I thought, putting my hands to my face. That's when I noticed that my crotch was wet, I didn't have pants on, the room smelled like sex, and AJ had a small grin plastered upon her face.

"Welp... Just lost my streak of not fucking in this world, I guess..." I muttered, sliding out of bed with a groan. I slid some pants on and stumbled into the bathroom, trying my best to keep from faceplanting.

'Whatever I ate or drink is seriously fucking with me...' I thought, staring at myself in the mirror. I looked like shit, even to myself. I don't even know where that mild gash on my cheek came from, but I could see into my mouth through it. It wasn't bleeding, which was a good sign.

"Might as well find a unicorn and get this fixed..." I muttered and got cleaned up before sliding some pants on. I left a note for AJ, placed it in the same place as the last one, and slipped out without waking her up. As I turned around, I saw Dawn looking at me with caution.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

"Like shit. What did you do to me?" I answered, narrowing my eyes.

"I didn't do anything. Luna slipped something in a drink that was supposed to go to Williams. It was supposed to be a relaxant." He explained.

"Well, it wasn't. I don't remember anything after the wedding, I feel like shit, and I have a gash in my cheek wide enough as to where I can see my pearly whites through it." I said.

"You want me to heal that for you?" Dawn asked, already pointing his horn at my face.

"Nah, I'll just take some stitches when we get back to Ponyville. Speaking of which... Williams going to be coming with us, or staying?" I asked, changing the subject.

"With the way he and Luna are acting around each other, he's fucking staying. Your God knows that she needs a special person in her life." Dawn commented.

"I'm an Atheist, I have no God."

"Sorry." He apologized.

"Fuck if I care, man. Hell, when I was back on Earth, I automatically assumed that everyone I met was Christian, until they proved me wrong. Didn't bring the topic up, just quietly assumed." I shrugged and looked around.

"So, what about Duffy?" Dawn finally asked.

"Coming with me, I saw the small looks that he gave Dashie. He likes her, he just doesn't know it yet." I said after a moment, making sure said sniper wasn't within earshot.

"Are you going to play matchmaker with them, like you did with Lulu and Williams?" Dawn asked, grinning.

"Nah. That was a spur of the moment thing, and I knew that neither would dare do anything. Williams wouldn't because he was only awake for a bleedin' half hour, and Luna wouldn't because she hasn't caught up with modern times." I answered, shrugging again.

"Alright... Well, I have an offer for you; any humans that appear here from now on get my personal protection no matter where they are, in exchange for one thing from you." He said.

"Deal." I said immediately.

"Just like that?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Just like that. I would give my life if it meant that others would keep theirs. It's why I joined the Marines, after all." I answered.

"I'm not going to be that demanding and you know it, General." He said, causing me to freeze.

"...What did you just call me?" I quietly asked.

"From this day forth, you are now a general in the Equestrian Military." He said with a shit-eating grin. I felt like bitch-slapping it off of him, but refrained from doing so.

'EOD personnel generally don't become generals... Especially with the history I have in the Marines. Still can't believe that Frank blamed me for the flashbang in the latrines after lunch...' I thought, sliding a hand over my face.

"...Fine..." I sighed. "How many stars?" I asked after a moment, looking at him.

"Five stars. Most generals are." He said, raising an eyebrow.

"Nope, I'm not accepting that. Marines don't even have a five star general, every military personnel from the United States who comes here won't buy it for an instant. One star." I said, shaking my head.

"But, I'm the only one star general!" Dawn exclaimed, raising both of his eyebrows so high, that if they went any higher they would fly off.

"Change the roles, then. It'll be easier for me in the long run, at least. Be a five star general, and switch the roles around. Five stars become one, four become two, and three stay the same. It'll be the only way I'll join, after all." I demanded.

"Fine..." Dawn finally said, nodding his head slowly. "Welcome to the Equestrian Military, General Durnkinscoff." He held out his hoof, which I grasped.

"I'm requesting my own task force, sir." I said right after I shook it. He grinned at me.

"Request accepted. When do you want the troops?" He asked. "And cut the 'sir' stuff while I'm not in uniform." He added.

"As the humans come. Don't strain yourself over me." I said, letting go and stepping back.

'If my CO was here, he'd have a fucking heart attack.' I thought, getting a slight grin from the image.

"Alright, we're going to have to set you up an office in the barracks, but I can do that myself. Aren't you all leaving today?"

"I guess." I shrugged. "It depends entirely upon AJ and the lot of 'em."

"Here; leave your uniform here and I'll get it modified according to your rank." He said after teleporting a small pile of my clothes and a pair of boots. "Give Duffy the other of everything, you're both build roughly the same." He added as I pulled up two pairs of blue jeans with a raised eyebrow. As I threw one over my shoulder, my cap teleported into being on Dawn's back.

"Alright. I'll see you later?"

"Of course. I live in Ponyville, after all." He waited until I stripped and handed over the uniform before trotting off to fuck around with my clothes, while I quickly slid my clothes on.

"Here, put these on." I said as I threw the set of clothes into the room that Duffy was staying in. I shut the door before he could respond and went to get some breakfast.

'Could really use a plate of bacon and a cup of coffee right now... Vegans everywhere can eat their hearts out.' I thought as I ambled around once again.

Another One

About three hours later, the other two humans and I were standing outside the train that was heading back to Ponyville.

"You sure you want to stay here? Celestia probably won't like it." I said to Williams, who only had his M1 Garand held loosely in hand. Duffy looked around for a second with a frown on his face, before going inside the train car with the others.

"What's the worst that could happen?" Williams asked. As if Dawn was listening to him, a flash of light blinded us and I felt another body slam into me, sending us to the ground. I landed face first.

"YOU HAD TO ASK!!" I shouted, clutching at my nose, which was broken yet again. Someone on top of me groaned before rolling off and to the side. As I stopped moving, I found out that I was very wet, and there was water pooling next to me.

"Ugh..." The unknown person coughed, before retching and getting more liquid on me.

"Please, Williams, tell me that isn't vomit..." I groaned, blinking the whiteness away.

"It's water, actually. And I've never seen a British uniform like that before, either." The paratrooper responded, probably kneeling next to me.

"Wh-Where am I?" The guy asked with a mild Scottish accent.

"On a train platform. What happened to you, soldier?" I responded, sitting up and shaking water off of me.

"I... Fell off of a ship and into the ocean. My combat suit dragged me down... Oh God, am I dead?" He muttered. Once I was able to see clearly, I was able to get a good look at him.

'Jesus, that's the Ranger Combat Armor from Fallout!' I thought, shaking my head and looking again. He had a British flag, but colored black grey and white, on the shoulder facing me, a mask that looked like it attached to the helmet was on the ground, and the armor was black.

"Yes and no. You've been given a second chance at life, but you're not on Earth anymore." I answered as I looked around us. There was an AA-12, a .357 Rex magnum revolver, 2 hand grenades, and what looked like breeching charges scattered around us. I scrambled to make sure the grenades weren't hot, before putting the explosives into my backpack with the grenades that I've confiscated from Williams. I was very lucky those two didn't become hot, either.

"Well... Where the hell is here, anyway?" He asked, collecting his weapons as Williams helped me to my feet. After securing said weapons, he slid on the mask, confirming my suspicions.

"A land of colorful talking ponies, my British 1st lieutenant." I said as seriously as I could. "Welcome to Equestria." I then slid open the door to the train behind me so he could see inside. Standing right behind the doorway was Twilight, Dash, Applejack, and Fluttershy. Fluttershy probably knew my nose was broken due to her freaky animal voodoo stuff. AJ was concerned about me, and the other two were looking at the Brit with awe in their eyes.

"Huh..." He muttered, staring down at the four.

"Before I forget; what's your name?" I asked, turning to him.

"1st lieutenant Blake Mactavish of the British SAS special forces. And you?" He answered.

"Mark Durnkinscoff, used to be a corporal of the USMC EOD division, but now I'm a General in the Equestrian Military." I answered, giving him a nod. Williams blinked and gave me a salute when I turned to him, causing me to sigh. "Do I look like a hardass to you? Can the saluting shit, I'm not in uniform."

"Sorry, sir." Williams said, lowering his hand.

"And cut the 'sir' crap. I worked for a living back on Earth." I said, before waving him off. "Go on and do shit with Luna, we'll be fine." Williams nodded and jogged back towards the palace, avoiding the Day Guards that were watching him with a suspicious look. Blake just sighed, shook his head in defeat or something, and stepped onto the train, me following after him. While I stepped onboard, I quickly realigned my nose and supressed a scream of pain.

'This is getting way too common...' I thought with distaste.

"Are you okay?" Fluttershy quietly asked as I took a seat near Applejack, looking at the blood on my face.

"Not really. I broke my nose again, but fixed it, and the gash on my face could use some stitches." I answered, before locating Rarity. "Hey, Rarity! You have a needle and some white thread?" I called out, getting her attention.

"Why yes, I happen to have some. Why do you ask?" She said, raising an eyebrow.

"Need it for something practical. You'll get the needle back, I promise." I replied, holding my hand out. She levitated some thread and a needle into my open palm, while Blake looked at the needle as if it was going to go flying into his throat. If Duffy gave any less of a fuck, he'd be giving negative fucks.

"This'll sting a little..." Fluttershy calmly said once I handed the makeshift stitching supplies to her, turning my head to the side softly.

"I've had worse." I said without moving my mouth, wincing a little as I felt sharp metal going through my face. While my face was getting punctured, I looked over at Blake to see him trying to talk to Duffy.

"It looks like it'll hold, but when we get back I want to restitch it, if that's okay with you..." Fluttershy said when she finished, getting quieter at the end. I smiled rassuringly and nodded, before turning towards Applejack.

"How're you doing?" I asked, poking her shoulder.

"Ah'm doing fine, sugarcube. Ah'm more worried about ya, at this point." She responded.

"Considering that I was drugged last night, I could be worse off." I answered. She looked very down, and I internally facepalmed.

"So... Ya didn't want to do... that with me?" She whispered, looking down with an expression that just said 'sad'. I sighed and put an arm around her back, forcing her to get closer to me.

"That's not what I said, Applejack. I didn't want to have sex so soon, but I wasn't thinking of not bonding with you further. I was just hoping for our relationship to develop a little more, before we got that far." I said, rubbing her ear with my only thumb. She seemed to sag in relief and closed her eyes, feeling content with me fucking around with her ears.

[At the train station in Ponyville]

I was the first one off, looking around the platform before nodding to myself.

"Perfect; nobody out here just yet." I muttered, waving Blake and Duffy out.

"What's the plan, Mark?" Duffy asked, looking around.

"Going to secure you two a place to stay. Dash, you willing to put up with Duffy?" I asked, turning to the cyan pegasus.

"Uh, he's not able to stand on clouds though, right?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Twilight, you able to do a spell for him?" I asked, looking at her.

"Yes, if Duffy'll come with me to the library I'll be able to cast it." She said. At my nodding, the three walked off, leaving me, Blake, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Applejack standing around. Pinkie went off to make up a 'Welcome to Equestria' party for us humans. Well, the ones in Ponyville, anyway.

"Rarity, you willing to put up with Blake here?" I asked the unicorn, turning to her.

"Why of course! It can get very lonely with only Opal for company..." Rarity exclaimed, beaming up at Blake.

"She'll probably want your measurements, so give them to her when you two arrive at Carousel Boutique, which doubles as her home." I muttered to Blake, who nodded.

"Alright lass. Show me our home, then." Blake said to Rarity, who trotted off with him in tow.

"I need a beer so much right now..." I muttered, running my hands over my face.

"There's a bar in town, actually." Applejack said, causing my attention to snap towards her.

"Where." Was all that I said. It wasn't a question, it was a demand.

"Outskirts, near Fluttershy's cottage. Since yer goin' towards her place anyway, Ah don't really need to show ya..." Applejack informed me.

"Thanks love. You sure you don't want to come with me?" I offered, raising an eyebrow.

"Ah don't hold my alcohol that well..." AJ muttered, blushing. I shrugged.

"It's alright with me. Not everyone's made for drinking." I said. "Well, shall we go off then?" I asked of Fluttershy.

"Okay." She said in that quiet voice of hers.

An hour later, I was enjoying a few of Ponyville's finest brews.

Author's Note

Sorry for the wait; personal reasons. Merry Christmas!

Ouch

A few days later, I decided to take a walk through town. Dawn had to screw that up for me, of course.

"You have some more soldiers coming, Mark." He said in my mind. He gave me just enough time to look away from where I thought they would be appearing before a flash of light blinded everybody around me. Instead of a body stumbling into my as I thought would happen, something very different happened instead.

With the flash of light came a screeching sound, a flash of tan, and I caught a good amount of air before landing on my back. Next came extreme pain. Just from the pain, I knew that I had a broken arm, shattered ribs, and my lower spine was broken, since I couldn't feel anything past my waist.

'Holy shit, did I just get fucking run over?' I thought, before coughing blood up all over my chest and face. 'And add a punctured lung or two to the list of injuries...' I weakly added, the light slowly fading from my vision.

"Oh shit! Callum, I know you're not a fucking corpsman, but try and help him!" A guy shouted, kneeling next to me. From my limited vision, I noted that the human was a United States Army soldier, rank of Master Sergeant. Couldn't tell the skin color.

"H-Hey..." I coughed, struggling to stay awake. Fuck, was that hard. I was forcing both my conscious and subconscious minds to keep me from slipping into the darkness, less I never wake.

"Stay awake, man! Callum, get the fucking first aid kit!" He shouted, looking behind him.

"Hospital... Somewhere behind us..." I muttered, trying to point behind me. I only succeeded in gettng more blood on my shirt.

"Stay with us! Never mind the kit Callum, help me get him in the trunk!" Master Sgt. said, before gingerly grabbing my armpits and dragging me towards the vehicle. He also succeeded in sending jolts of pain through my body. My vision went dark for a moment, and when I could see again, I was getting carried on a stretcher into the hospital, another human in front of me.

"What's... Your name? And rank?" I asked of them.

"Master Sergeant Rick Duran. The Ranger at your head is Sergeant First Class Fredrick Callum. And you?" MS answered, probably keeping me awake by making me talk or something.

"General Mark Durnkinscoff, USMC and EM." I answered, watching as several pony doctors rushed to my side. "Applejack's going to hurt me..." I muttered under my breath, while the stretcher was taken from Duran and Callum. They kept walking alongside me.

"Ah, shit! I ran over a superior officer, even if he's in a different branch..." Callum swore, but patted my good shoulder reassuringly.

"So, what happened to you two?" I asked, barely awake at this point. I was losing a lot of blood, and I knew it.

"We dead or something?" Was the question to mine.

"Yea. Dead soldiers are being sent here for a second chance." I started, but sent a mouthful of blood onto one of the Nurses (Redheart, I beieve). I groaned and continued anyway. "I died in an explosion, myself. You remember how you two died?"

"I got a bullet to the neck, I think." Duran answered with a shrug, before looking at Callum.

"RPG through the windshield. If we came back to life, how come the other three in the Humvee are still dead? And why is the Humvee with us, along with all of our gear?" Callum asked, confused.

"Don't -cough and more blood- know... Ask Red Dawn when he comes... You'll know by the horn and wings..." I coughed some more, before slumping down and finally losing consciousness.

[Undisclosed amount of time later]

"Oh my aching everything..." I groaned, opening my eyes and instantly regretting it.

'TOO MUCH FUCKING WHITE!' I thought, trying to bring my hands to my face and failing. At first I thought that they were paralized, but then I felt straps going across my body and relaxed. I moved my body slowly, and felt joy when I could move my legs.

"Hell, I never thought I'd become wheelchairized and get my legs back..." I muttered, cautiously opening my eyes again. This time, I was able to blink away the brightness until I could see without squinting.

"Hey Mark..." Dash called out from my right. Looking over, I saw that her wing was fucked up and she was sitting up as best as she could.

"What happened to you?" I asked, shifting a little.

"Messed up on a trick." She explained, then looked at me. "And you?"

"I got run over by a Humvee." I said, before mentally facepalming at her raised eyebrow. "It's like a chariot, but it's not pulled by pegasi or magic." I then spent a good half hour explaining engines and cars to Dash, who was very interested in them.

"Look who's awake!" A voice shouted from the doorway, causing me to narrow my eyes.

"You made me get run over, assbag." I growled. Dawn frowned and came over to me.

"Honestly, I had no idea that the Humvee would appear with them. Before you ask, I also don't know why the others were DOA, but I bet that some bullets came with them right as the Humvee did." Dawn guessed, before using his voodoo shit to release me. I slowly sat up, wincing at the feeling of pinpricks all over my body. Like when your arm fell asleep and you're just getting the feeling back, but amplified by a hundred and all over your body.

"Jesus, this is uncomfortable..." I said, stretching carefully and wincing some more.

"Who's Jesus?" Dash called out, looking at me.

"Religious Jesus or Mexican Jesus?" I instantly called back, sitting up fully. I barked out a laugh at Dash's confusion and immediately regretted it, clutching my chest.

'Yep, still hurts...' I thought, my eyes watering a little. Dawn frowned at my reaction to pain but said nothing, instead teleporting away.

"Bloody bogan..." I muttered, slowly standing up and looking at Dash. "Well, I guess I'll see ya later. See ya, Dashie." I said to her, before walking out and checking my sorry ass out. Fuck yea, pony hospitals!

Another hour later, I was back in the bar, slowly draining a pony shot of whiskey. Which translates to a fucking cup in human terms.

"Hey, General." Duran said with a salute.

"I'm actually a corporal, if we're going by USMC standards. I'm a general in the Equestrian Military, not the Corps." I commented, waving his hand off. Duran sheepishly grinned before sitting down across from me and ordering a beer.

"So, how're ya feeling?" He asked while waiting for his drink. I took a moment to form a response while sipping at my whiskey.

"Like I just got run over, and then healed with magic." I deadpanned.

"Right, well Fredrick's very sorry about that." He muttered, taking his helmet off and running a hand over his shaved head.

"I'm not blaming Fredrick for it; I'm blaming the guy, or rather, pony who brought you two here." I replied. "Apology accepted, anyway." Duran seemed to lose a lot of grief and really grinned for the first time since I've seen him.

"So, what's with the colorful ponies that can talk?" He asked, accepting his gallon of beer with a raised eyebrow.

"First off, this whiskey is a fucking shot. As with the ponies, well we're in namby pamby ponyland that has magic and other mythical species residing in it. Almost parallel to Earth, except for the inhabitants." I explained. "They have good beer, though." I added, draining the rest of the cup with a grunt.

"Hope you don't get drunk off your ass." Duran muttered.

"Bah! I got a lot of tolerance to alcohol. I've got Irish, Scottish, British, and German blood, and I'm pretty sure I got a bit of Russian as well." I said, waving my hand. "It takes more than a pony shot of whiskey to get me drunk, and I know my limits."

"Hell, I won't be able to finish off a fourth of this thing, myself." Duran muttered. "Also, how much is this?"

"Your money's worthless now. I'll pay for your drink if you get a job soon and pay me back. I don't need any interest, since I'm getting 800 gold coins a year now." I said, pulling out a few bits and putting them on the table.

"REAL gold?" Duran asked with a raised eyebrow, picking up a bit and looking at it in shock.

"Dawn said that each bit is roughly 50 American dollars. I find it fully as hell, to be honest. Go find a job and give me a bit from your first paycheck and we'll call it even." I said.

"By the way, how in the name of Christ are you up and walking?"

"Magic." Was all that I said, causing him to stare at me in disbelief. After several seconds, he sighed and shook his head.

"Moving on..." He muttered, before taking a gulp of booze. "Alright, so what're we going to do with the bodies? It's not like we can put them in a casket and ship them home with a flag." He asked.

"We can do two of those three, and it's the middle one that we can't do. I'll get the local dressmaker to make three American flags as best as she can, before finding a coffin maker and getting three custom coffins for them. We'll bury them as best as we can, after cleaning them up and giving them the flag. Just because we're on a different planet and or universe, doesn't mean they won't be buried as I'll be." I explained, before getting up. "I'll see you later, Master Sergeant." I added. He got up and gave me a salute, which I returned after a second.

Author's Note

Well, I've never been rammed into by a Humvee so I apologize to whoever has if I got the pain wrong. And it's kinda short, so sorry.

A Little Thought

The next morning, I found myself sitting on the couch downstairs, staring a hole into the floor with my clasped hands keeping my head up.

"What's on yer mind, Sugarcube?" Applejack asked, climbing up onto the couch next to me.

"Just thinking. Something's been nagging at me in my mind for a while, and I now know what it is." I said, sighing.

"What is it?" She asked, putting a hoof to my shoulder. "Is it about us?"

"Yes and no. It's about me and the other humans who live here or will live here." I answered. "We're going to need to have a human doctor die sooner or later, so that Fluttershy won't need to fix us up if one of us gets mildly injured."

"What do ya mean by that? Are ya'll saying she can't handle it?" Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Not in the least. I'm saying that anyone who comes here could become very insulted if they only have your equivalent of a veterinarian taking care of their wounds." I answered, shaking my head. "At the very least, he or she'll work out of the hospital, giving the nurses vital information about our physiology, neurology... ah fuck it, I'm rambling." From her face, Applejack didn't know what neurology was, nor physiology. I don't blame her, I hate big words myself.

"Ah... think Ah understand, Sugarcube." She said, before wrapping my in an embrace. "Just don't go an' confuse me with them fancy words." She added after letting me go, lightly punching my shoulder. I smiled at her and stood up, wrapping her in my own embrace. Instead of letting go of her to deliver a punch, I settled on kissing her deeply, tasting the apple cobbler we had for breakfast on her breath.

Reluctantly (I had to breath, and one cannot breath if one's nose is somewhat pressed against his love's face), I cut the kiss and froze when I head a filly go d'awww from behind me. Before I could preform a tactical nuclear faceplant into the couch, Applejack reprimanded Applebloom.

"I never had to deal with schisse like that back on Earth..." I muttered, before faceplanting myself into the couch.

"What do ya mean, Sugarcube?" Applejack asked, confused. I sighed, knowing that this conversation was going to crop up sooner or later, and took a seat next to her on the couch.

"Before I came here... I was married to a Russian woman. Think, Stalliongrad, I believe." I explained. "I loved her and she me, and nobody gave us any flak on base."

"Why didn't ya say sumthin' to Dawn then?" Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It was either staying dead or getting a second chance at life here. My body was almost completely vaporized, I believe. Suit or not, I was not going to be walking from that explosion." I said.

"Well... Ah guess ya have a good point there..." Applejack said with a frown. "So, how do Ah compare to her?" I scoffed with a slight grin.

"You don't yell in Russian when pissed off. You're American, even if you consider it Equestrian. You're a foot shorter than her when you're standing on your hind legs. Need I go on?" I said the first things that popped up in my head. Applejack shook her head with a small grin/frown combo. "She was a beautiful woman, but you're a beautiful pony." I added, rubbing her head with my hand. Before she could respond, I grabbed her hat and bolted out the door, slamming it on my head as she yelled at me.

I was grinning like an idiot as I hopped into the Humvee and waited for her to get in to get at me. As soon as she did, I slammed her door shut and pressed down on the gas pedal, heading towards Ponyville.

"That's one way that you're different, AJ." I said while getting my seat belt on. "Amber would've just shot at me, if I had taken any of her clothes off of her suddenly. She always packs a pistol, even if it's not loaded at the time." AJ was too busy clinging to the seat to respond, the shock of going 60 MPH in a Humvee still eating away at her. I giggled like an idiot at her response and gingerly placed her hat back upon her head.

'Well, at least she isn't being shot at.' I thought, slowing the Humvee to a stop as Duran jogged towards us.

"What's up?" I asked, opening the door. Applejack and him shared a look, each trying to remember who the fuck the other was. To be fair, it looked like Duran and Callum were brothers, even up close. Both were black, which complicated things a little.

Not that I have anything against black people, mind you.

"Not much, Dawn just needs to see you." He replied, shrugging.

"Well why in the fuck doesn't he just teleport to me?" I swear, my brain just facepalmed.

"He's not 'tuned in with your frequency', whatever the hell that means." Duran explained, shrugging in confusion. Then he narrowed his eyes at my face. "With all due respect; you really need to go and unfuck your face up. Shave the beard off, sir." I meerly rolled my eyes and nodded to the door behind mine, to which he shook his head to.

"Alright. Guess you know where I need to go, after all." I said, slipping into the back and stood behind the .50 cal that was still attached to the Humvee, drumming my fingers against the ammunition box. "Hey, Duran?" I called down after a moment.

"Yea?" He asked, hopefully keeping his eyes on the rugged road.

"How much shit do we have in the back? I kept putting inventory check off and I don't feel like doing it while we're bouncing along this road." I asked right after he ran over another small dip.

"Four ammunition boxes for the .50, four and a half if you count the loaded one. Fifty magazines for the M16's. Seventy magazines for the M1911's. Twenty frag grenades. A spare pair of Oakleys if you want 'em. Three bulletproof vests, three canteens, and three sets of NV goggles." He counted off, leaving the three sets of equipment for his dead Humvee mates.

"Mind handing me the sunglasses? My last pair were forgotten near an IED when I went to make it go boom." I replied, holding down an arm. A hoof handed me the sunglasses, and I slipped them on after paying a silent moment of respect to their previous owner. The rest of the trip was spent in silence, and we ended up infront of a plain looking house.

"....This is his house?" I asked, looking around.

"It sure is, Sugarcube." Applejack said, struggling to open the door. I lifted myself up onto the roof and slid down, opening the door for her while bowing slightly.

"Right this way, m'lady." I said, grinning. Applejack blushed but stepped down, and I shut the door behind her as Dawn walked out with a set of saddlebags on his back.

"There you are!" He exclaimed, giving Duran what looked like a bit, and my guess was confirmed when he tossed it to me.

"Hey Duran, where're you setting up, anyway?" I asked, wondering where he's been sleeping.

"With Cheerilee, the teacher at the local school if I'm correct." Duran answered with a shrug. "Wife was a teacher too, so I figured I could help her if she needs it."

"Alright. And Gallum?" I asked, noticing a distinct lack of mentioned Ranger.

"Living with that grey Pegasus mare and her daughter. Ditzy Doo, I think her name is." Duran replied.

"She's a nice mare, but if you fuck with Dinky, she'll break your legs with extreme prejudice." Dawn said, putting his front hooves on the hood to get a better angle to look at me.

"So, why did ya call for me, anyway?" I asked, nodding at him.

"I have your uniform done. You can wear that bulletproof vest under it, even though I also added some extra steel in places where they will be useful. I would use Kelviar, but we haven't gotten that far ahead in protection yet. It's not as appealing as Rarity's designs, but I make them efficient for the wearer, not to bloody show off." Dawn explained, getting Duran to pull out my new uniform. It looked just like my old one, except it had several steel plates on my shoulders, elbows, knees, thighs, calves, and forearms.

"Least it isn't gold... Shittiest metal for protection value. I think leather has more value in that department..." I muttered, looking over the uniform carefully.

"I agree there. And Celestia wonders why the Death Guard's floored her Day Guards in the last two years during our fake wars. Anyway, it might be a little uncomfortable for the first few times you wear it, but it'll soon feel like a heavier version of your cammies." Dawn said, getting back down on all fours.

"You must not know then; I'm a Marine. I'm used to uncomfortable suits. Just look at the EOD's bomb suit." I said with a grin.

"Touche." Dawn said, nodding to me.

"Before I forget, we're going to need a human medic here sooner or later." I said, looking at Dawn. "You'll eventually bring someone who'll be offended when they're brought to a veterinarian."

"But the doctors at the hospital treated you." Duran pointed out, and I felt Applejack glaring a hole into my ass.

"Considering I was coughing up enough blood to fill a bucket, they had no choice." I countered. "They have almost no clue on how the human body works. I know I'm no expert on the subject, unless it's about male sex organs. Bloody high school and their sex ed..." I muttered the last sentence.

"I think I'm getting what you're saying." Dawn said, putting a hoof to his chin. "If I bring a medic here, they'll be able to teach the doctors at the hospital about you humans, and when one of you gets injured, you won't have to go to Fluttershy or hope the nurses get lucky."

"Alright. I'm going to go get a shot of vodka. Anyone else want to come with me?" I offered, putting my shit in the Humvee.

"I'll go get Gallum and meet you there, Mark." Duran said, jogging off towards Ditzy's house.

"Let's go." Dawn said, going around the hood and pressing a hoof to my chest, before teleporting.

We had a good drink.

Medic!

A few days later saw Rainbow Dash, Duffy, and I chillin' under a tree in the park. Or rather, I was under the tree. Duffy was sitting on a branch a few feet away from Rainbow, who was snoozing the morning away and somehow not falling down because fuck physics.

"What's the objectives for today?" Duffy asked about an hour after we set up shop.

"Do whatever it is you do when I'm not around, Duffy. I'm still looking around for a second job, because there's only so much to do on the farm when the crops ain't in." I replied, shrugging. I caught him muttering something about 'getting lost sleep hours' before he lied down hesitantly on Dash's chest, being the closest thing to a pillow up there. Aside from the pillow that was up there.

"You're opening up to her, aren't you? Good going, Duffy." I muttered with a smirk, then saw a group of five familiar ponies and several critters come over a hill and straight towards us. As I was watching the girls come over to us with grins (Applejack nodded once to me, knowing that our... 'discussion' sunk in.), Pinkie was looking around with a hidden frown.

"What's wrong, Pinks?" I asked, before I felt a pressure on my arm. Looking down, I saw her pet gator, Gummy, gnawing on me. Some of the shit I've seen since coming here, this didn't even hit the top fifty list anymore. As I held up my Gummy arm, the rest of the critters crowded around me. Winona chased Opal, Rarity's cat, up the tree. Duffy grumbled at this, and tried getting the cat away from him while still lying on Dash.

'Think he hates cats, or he's allergic to them. One of the two.' I silently thought, when Dash woke up, startled, and sent Duffy crashing to the ground with a few choice swears. I rolled my eyes as Duffy grumbled and sat up, glaring daggers at the animals. Clearly, this sniper was not an animal person.

"Sleep good, Dash?" I called up, letting Gummy loose upon Duffy, who glared at me as best as he could with a toothless baby gator attached to his face.

"More or less. You girls bring Tank with ya?" She asked, looking at them. (Tank is a turtle, which is funny as hell.) As if responding, a bright ass light blinds the lot of us, sending Winona into a barking fit, Opal hissing, all eight of us probably recoiling, and a body smashed into me. Smelt of copper, low-tide, and was still breathing.

"H...Help..." A man groaned, and I instantly knew what that coppery smell was.

"Duffy! Get your ass in gear and get to the damn Humvee! Fluttershy, I need you over here as soon as possible!" I shouted, getting the body off of me and scrambling to find my backpack. We were all half blind at the moment, but right now I only expected positive results from the Marine. Duffy nodded, shoved Dash off of him, and bolted off, heading in the general direction of the vehicle.

"Wh-where am I?" My newest 'squadmate' (if he accepted, of course. Everyone else, with the exception of WIlliams has) coughed up. Now that I could mostly see again, I could tell that he was what I should've been expecting; a medic. From the smell of low-tide and the WWII uniform, he was probably killed during D-Day.

"Somewhere safe. Hell happened to you?" I asked, searching him for bullet wounds.

"MG42 fire on our landing craft, along with an AA shell hitting us. Was hit by the machine guns... Am I dead?" He coughed, looking around and seeing my companions.

"Yea, you're dead." I answered, before seeing his chest full of holes. I swore and ran my hands through my hair, frowning. "You're lucky you haven't died again, the way you've been shot up."

"Always full of surprises, sir..." He coughed some more. "Pardon my asking, but what's your name?" He asked as the Humvee screeched to a halt next to the tree.

'Need to get Dawn on silencing the brakes...' I thought, watching as Duffy ran around the back of the Humvee (opening the trunk in the process) and grasped Doc's legs while I gently looped my arms around his chest.

"I'm Mark, he's Duffy. Never got a first name from him, now that I think about it..." I said, hefting him into the trunk as carefully as possible.

"Nice to meet the both of you. And what about those ponies watching us carefully? They sapient or just pets?" Medic asked as I slid in after him and slammed the trunk shut. Duffy got Fluttershy into the front next to him, and sped off towards the hospital.

"Main inhabitants of this planet. Not the only species, though. How'ja know they were ponies? Hell, when I first saw them I thought they were horses." I asked.

"Grew up on a farm, had a few horses. They're only about four feet tall, easily distinguishable compared to an actual horse." Doc explained.

"So what's your name?" I asked, trying to keep him awake by talking.

"Name's Isaac Thompson, Mark." He replied, holding up a shaking hand. I grasped it and shook.

"Got a nickname already, Doc." I said, grinning. He weakly chuckled, before looking around.

"What's this vehicle, might I ask?" He asked. "It isn't a supply truck. Too quiet to be one."

"It's a future vehicle. About fifty years in the future, actually." I replied. "It's called a Humvee, and there's a civilian model too, but more comfortable than this one. Doesn't have a HMG turret, either." I explained, deciding to go into more detail until the brakes screeched again.

"Where are we now?" Doc asked, looking around as I helped Duffy drag him out. Fluttershy was looking on with mixed horror and concern.

"Ponyville General Hospital. Second time I've been here, but hell if I was shot to get in. Got ran over by the bloody Humvee a few days ago, actually." I answered, backing into the doors and looked around.

'I think my blood's still on the hood, actually.' A random thought popped into my head.

"How're you walking around now, then?" Doc asked.

"Magic is pretty helpful if they know what they're doing." I said without looking at him.

'Nobody here except for a receptionist, good.' I thought, before taking a deep breath.

"I NEED A DOCTOR, STAT! WE GOT A MORTALLY WOUNDED BEING HERE!" I hollered at the top of my lungs, and the result was instantaneous, as three nurses were startled out of side rooms, and they rushed over to our side.

"What happened?" Redheart asked, as Thompson coughed up some blood, getting a little of it on her. I'm sure there's a theme, here...

"Something happened to him before he came here. I'll need to go with you, along with Fluttershy here. Can't heal him just yet, as he has metal embedded in him to where he'll die anyway if we don't remove it first." I explained as we carried Doc down the hallway. Fluttershy nodded once and I saw something other than a normally timid pegasus; a determined soul wanting to take care of a tortured one.

"How many bullet wounds did you count, anyway? Too busy keeping from going into shock here." Doc asked as we got him up on an operating table.

"Seven to ten. I need two pairs of sterilized tweezers, Redheart." I answered, stripping off Thompson's waterlogged equipment and clothes.

"Why do you need two pairs?" Fluttershy quietly asked as we undressed Thompson's upper body.

"I'm not digging out these bullets on my own, Fluttershy. You're the veterinarian here, and as of right now you're the only pony in this room that knows the most about his biology." I answered, shoving one into her hoof because fuck logic. Using my pair, I started to dig out the ones farthest away from vital organs. "Dig out the ones I point out, first. You pull one too close to his heart too early, we've lost one of the most important humans on this rock."

"I'm the most important, now?" Thompson asked, raising an eyebrow and holding in a scream of pain as I dragged a bullet from him.

"You know more about human biology than I do, Doc. I'm a Marine that deals with explosives, not wounds." I replied, dropping a bullet into a pan. Not wanting to go into detail about the procedure (I know you read this, Applebloom.), all I'm going to write is that we nearly lost him four times, and at the end, Fluttershy had her hooves heavily coated in his life essence.

"Now that my serious wounds are out of the way..." Thompson groaned, sitting up and wiping a towel across his newly healed chest. "Why in the fuck am I here and not floating in the middle of a European channel with bullets and shrapnel in my chest?"

"I asked the guy who brought you here for a medic/corpsman, and he selected you. I don't know shit about how it happened, so go ask him for more info." I said, shrugging.

"What's done is done, I suppose. You got a place for me to stay?" He said, before looking around.

"Um, you can stay with me... If you want, that is..." Fluttershy stuttered, going back into her 'shy as fuck' mode.

"Where do you live?" He asked. I decided to answer for her, as she was starting to blush.

"On the edge of town, the closest place is the farm, where I'm staying. Nice, peaceful, and full of placid critters." I answered, before leaning in so Fluttershy wouldn't hear. "Watch out for her pet, Angel. Bloody rabbit takes a while to get used to."

"That's probably for the best, since I need to get used to this new place, I guess." He finally said, sliding off of the table. I left the room to let them have some time to get to know each other, and almost tripped over the mares standing outside the door.

"How's he doing?" Twilight asked as Dash and Applejack kept me from falling.

"He'll live, just give him some time to slide into this new life of his. Three of the bullets went through and through, so Fluttershy and I had less to dig out." I said, saying the second half to Duffy, noticing that Duran popped up in my absence.

"WWII, right? From what Duffy told me, he's very lucky, as if the bullets would've been a larger calibur, you'd be covered in more than what you are now." He said, nodding to my hands and chest, causing me to look down. As Duran said, my torso was pretty much coated in Isaac's blood, and every pony except the Nurses who went around our group looked queasy at the sight of blood.

"Eh. Going to go get washed off. Nurse, are there any showers in the hospital?" I asked one of the random Nurses that were patrolling the hallways.

"There's one in the room next to you, sir." She replied without missing a beat.

"Many thanks, lass." I said, walking in and seeing an empty patient's jail cell, as I've taken to calling the rooms where someone spends after/before surgery. I'll skip over taking a bleedin' shower, because it's my fucking journal.

Half an hour later, I stepped out without a shirt on, because the shirt I was wearing is soaking wet and stuffed into an empty pocket in my backpack.

"Your death's showing, Mark." Duran said, from behind me.

"What?" I asked, trying to see my back and turned around. Amost immediately, the five mares that're still in the group gasped in disgust and shock.

"Heavy burn scars on your back. Possibly on your legs, but I'm not taking your pants off to confirm it. Hell, I have a circular scar from where the bullet entered and left my throat, myself." He said. We both turned to Duffy, raising an eyebrow.

"Mortar round while lying down." Was all that he said, shifting a little and narrowing his eyes. I nodded and shrugged.

"I'ma take a walk back to the farm. Maybe get something to eat." I said, before starting to walk off. I got a item of cloth to the back of the head a moment later.

"Put that on, keep from making the locals freak out." Duran said. I quickly put on his shirt and left the hospital. The Humvee was gone, and I'm pretty sure it carried Doc and Fluttershy when it left. None of these ponies are tall enough when standing on their hind legs to be able to successfully operate it, anyway.

"Alright... Need to find a place for a job..." I muttered, rubbing my chin, before looking at the Spa.

'Well, my wife did say I preformed excellent massages... Just need to remember what the fuck they called those people and I'll attempt an application tomorrow...' I thought, shrugging and decided to go get lunch.

Author's Note

To everyone wanting OCs in the story; don't expect them to be in anytime soon. As I'm sure I've mentioned before, this wasn't the first site I uploaded on. As of right now I'm working on chapter 71, so ya'll be waiting a while.

Nightmare Night

For a few months, nothing unusual happened. Just because it was something important, I got the job at the Spa as a masseuse, and started making 200 bits a year. Add that to the 800 I make as being a general, and I'm one of the richer people in Ponyville. Of course, I'm only going to keep about 200, because Granny Smith still needs a new hip. And a whole slew of other shit about the farm. Pinkie said something about breaking the 4th wall, and a changeling popped out of her mirror. Guy's name is Jakob, and apparently, he was a human when Pinks dragged him through.

Then, came Nightmare Night, and I was just finishing up my costume.

"Alrighty then! uniform's on, make-up's in the right place... All I need is the eyes to do their shit and I'll look exactly like one!" I said, looking at myself in the mirror. I looked almost exactly like a zombie from Call of Duty: World At War and I must say I looked batshit scary. Dawn, Luna, and I have gotten together a few weeks ago and decided to make a game out of this Nightmare Night, having a real life zombie attack. We all had roles in it, told the Mayor beforehand, and it was going to be perfect.

"You look perfect for the role, Mark." Dawn said from his spot on the couch as I came downstairs. "At eight, you're going to be 'killing and eating' someone. After that, you can pretty much spread the 'infection' around the town, as it's safe as fuck. We've prepped all of the bullets beforehand, so they'll still impact you, but instead of actually killing you, they'll just do what'll happen if they hit a real zombie."

"Head shots or serious brain trauma. Decapitation merely makes us immobile." I said, stretching my back.

"Right. There's no cure, as there shouldn't be. No safe places, and Fluttershy's cottage is out-of-bounds for the zombies, because we don't want to give her a bloody heart attack. Whoever tries leaving the town itself instantly dies, as I bet most of the military on Earth would do. Ends at dawn when Luna pops into town, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to snuff it before then." Dawn said.

"Zombies can be sneaky when they want to be." I said, and walked out with him. Applebloom was dressed up as Applejack, oddly enough, and squeaked when she saw me.

"You look scary, Mark!" She said, shivering a little. I smiled warmly at her, trusting her judgement.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Blooms!" I said, rubbing her mane with a hand while scooping up some dirt with my other, getting it all over me.

'Rarity's going to kill me when she sees the state I've put my costume into.' I thought with a grin.

"You know what I'll hate going up against in the forest?" Dawn rambled on, looking over at the Everfree forest. Don't know why the ponies fear that place; after all, a zebra lives there.

"Land Bear Sharks?" I asked, looking at him.

"Land Bear Sharks." Dawn nodded once, and grinned creepily. The fact that he was wearing a hood and cloak that made his naturally silver eyes glow red didn't help.

"Sadly, I would rather be a Hunter from Left 4 Dead, but I have to make due." I commented as we walked towards Ponyville.

"Left 4 Dead?" Applebloom asked. "That sounds something mean an' cruel to do to somepony!"

"It's actually the name of a video game, Applebloom. Wait, do you guys even have video games?" I said, before looking at Dawn in confusion. He was my outlet for these ponies and their tech.

"Pac-Man and the like. Don't have TVs, so home consoles are out. Same for computers. It isn't called 'Pac-Man', either." He replied. "Now, you've practiced your limp?" I nodded, and started dragging my right leg behind me, while Dawn made it look like I took a bullet to the knee, because fuck arrows. Bullets are manlier. Just for effects at the moment, I rose my arms up and let out a moan from the back of my throat, making sure that it sounded slightly detached and gravelly.

"Son of a bitch!" Doc said, coming up to me and poking around. In character, I snapped at his fingers like a zombie, but didn't actually try to eat him.... just yet. Both him and Fluttershy knew about the plan for tonight, us having unanimously decided that Fluttershy wasn't going to be participating.

"Yup. Bite'll take about ten minutes, right?" I said, before looking at Dawn.

"Exactly. Every bite after the first one shaves a minute off, until there's only one minute to conversion." Dawn confirmed. I smiled with a mouth full of bloodied teeth, causing Doc to shudder some more.

"Fucking creepy, man... I take it 'modern zombies' aren't green and moan about eating brains?" Doc commented as Fluttershy hid behind him, whimpering a little.

"Nope. They had a few zombie movies produced where the zombies ran instead of... shuffled. There was a book published called The Zombie Survival Guide, and it pretty much blamed zombies on a virus that infects the brain of humans, and ONLY humans. Everything else just died, but for tonight we're altering the rules a little. Make it more like Resident Evil than Survival Guide." I explained. Fluttershy started shivering harder, and I pretty much decided to bring the conversation about zombies to a halt.

"So, who all else is in this?" Doc asked, being careful to avoid spooking Fluttershy even more.

"All of the unicorns, humans, and some pegasi. Callum's going to snuff it through you, Thompson. He'll get Ditzy, but stay away from Dinky, because we really don't want to risk angering her mother." Dawn explained, before jumping up and almost poking me in the eye with his horn.

"...The fuck was that for?!" I exclaimed, holding my eyebrow in mild annoyance.

"Had to cast the spell. The countdown's begun. You have three hours left to live." Dawn morbidly said, grinning like a madman.

I just shook my head and 'shuffled' onward.

[In Ponyville, three hours later]

Dash thought my costume was awesome, Duffy was wearing his ghillie suit, Duran dressed up in his combat stuff, Callum managed to get into my EOD suit (and was complaining about the heat, although he wasn't wearing the helmet), and I didn't see the others at the moment. It was pretty cool, until I felt something run through my body and sent me to the ground, smelling a little like burnt flesh while there was ringing in my ears and I was half blind.

"Ohmygosh!" Dash shouted from above me, and Doc knelt next to me, checking my pulse.

"He's fine, just a little singed and winded." Doc said, getting me to my feet.

"How're ya feeling?" Duran asked, looking at me with concern. I started feeling sick, and threw up a bunch of blood all over the ground, getting a bit on Doc.

"Aw, jeez! I just washed these boots!" Doc exclaimed in disgust.

[Third Person, centering around the humans]

All of a sudden, Mark snapped his head up and growled at Thompson.

"What the-" Was all the medic got out before he was grabbed roughly by Mark, and had his throat ripped out by his teeth. Everyone immediately screamed, while Duran, Duffy, and Callum brought up their M1911/M9s, and shot Mark three times in the chest each, sending him to the ground with Thompson's throat still in his jaws.

"FUCK! Get the Humvee!" Callum shouted, trying his best to get the blood to stop flowing, all in vain. Duffy ran off somewhere, not holstering his weapon.

"F-F-Fuck..." Thompson gurgled, before dying in Callum's arms. As he closed Thompson's eyes in respect, the medic reanimated and bit down hard on his hand, breaking the bones and getting a scream of pain for his efforts.

"GET HIM OFF!" Callum shouted, and a shot rang out, sending Thompson's brain matter across the cobblestone behind him. The effect was instantaneous, as the 'zombie' crumpled to the ground, not moving anymore.

"Shit..." Duran breathed, sliding his hands through his hair. "He was a fucking zombie, man. A zombie!" As he looked to where Mark was, he gulped audibly.

"What is it?" Callum half whimpered, clutching his bitten and broken hand while the Humvee stopped next to him.

"...Where the fuck did Mark go?" Duran asked, as the only sign that the EOD personnel was ever there was a few drops of blood. Down an alley, Twilight Sparkle screamed for a split second before getting cut off answered him.

"Well... Shit." Was all Duffy said before he and Duran piled into the Humvee, while Callum drew his 1911 and ran off to find Ditzy and Dinky before they could become infected.

[Deeper in Ponyville]

Blake was having a good time, until the screaming started. Several sick looking unicorns, dressed up as zombies, stumbled into a crowd and proceeded to eat the others. Everyone in the crowd scattered, while he knew what was going on and drew his revolver, firing off a couple shots and getting several unicorns in the head, downing them.

"Son of a bitch..." He muttered, opening the trunk of the Humvee as Duran and Duffy stopped next to him.

"It's zombies, alright. Got Doc already, and Mark's somewhere out there." Duran said, checking an M16 before slapping a magazine into it.

"Anyone else get bitten?" Blake asked. "The bites are how they turn."

"...Callum got his hand crushed by Doc's... Aw FUCK!" Duran said, before shedding the EOD suit for the most part and bolting off with his rifle's safety flicked off. All he wore now was his fatigues, kelviar vest, and the lower half of the bomb suit.

"Well, if we see Callum, shoot him in the head." Blake muttered to Duffy, who nodded and went back to the driver's seat of the Humvee.

[Over to Duran]

Panting, I slowed to a light jog, keeping my eye out for Callum or Mark. Frowning, I noticed a distinct lack of ponies and humans. In fact, the street I was going down was deserted for the most part. All of a sudden, I had a pink hoof wrapped around my mouth and I was dragged into Sugarcube Corner. I knew that Pinkie wasn't a zombie, because I would have been gnawed on by now.

"Don't do that to the survivors! They might have a panic attack and lash out at you!" I hissed as I kicked the door shut and crouched against the wall, peeking through the window.

"Sorry!" Pinkie exclaimed, keeping her voice down.

"What's the situation?" I asked, turning to look inside the bakery. There were about fifteen ponies in there altogether. I saw Dinky Doo, but Ditzy wasn't anywhere in sight, causing me to sigh in defeat.

'Just when I thought I could get to her before Callum...' I thought, frowning. Bon Bon, oddly enough, was tending to the unicorn filly, whispering stuff and doing her best to calm her down.

"Everypony's scared, Rick... I've been trying-" Pinkie started, but instantly froze when there was some pounding echoing from the kitchen. Sounded like hands, and the being was hitting a door hard, but slowly. Everyone started whimpering in fear.

"Shhh." I hissed and crept into the kitchen, putting the butt of my M16 to my shoulder. The pounding was coming from what looked like the cellar, and Pinkie had followed me.

"Was there anyone in there before all this happened?" I quietly asked, looking at the mare. She shook her head, and I decided to take a quick look around the kitchen. There were blood smears everywhere, and a lot of it led to the door.

'Think I found Callum. Too much blood to be Mark.' I grimly thought, stood up, and lightly kicked the door to test its thickness.

"Sorry about this, Pinks." I said as I placed my rifle on a counter, drew my M1911, backed up, and drop kicked the door, sending it flying off its hinges and into whatever was behind the door. There was a growl from the bottom of the stairs, and I shined my flashlight down, illuminating several zombies. They were Callum, Ditzy, and I think Twilight. Three bullets later, I was collecting my rifle and ushering the survivors outside.

"Why do we have to move?" A colt asked, fear lacing his voice.

"The gunfire's going to attract more of them." I said, keeping an eye out as we bolted down the street and into the Library. Most of the lights were off, and there was nobody, alive or dead, in there when I entered first.

[Somewhere above Ponyville]

"How're they doing?" Thompson asked, crouching down next to Dawn. The Alicorn looked around the town from above for a few seconds.

"Duran's with a group of survivors and they're barricading the Library. Duffy and Blake are driving around the town, picking up who they can. Mark's still down there somewhere." He said, as a death guard pegasus popped up next to him.

"I got run over, sir." Evasive said, giving Dawn a small salute.

"Eh. You lasted two hours out there and got a kill count of seven. You did pretty good." Dawn commented as he glanced at a scoreboard, which only counted the zombie's kills. Mark was clearly in the lead, with twenty kills already. Elusive nodded and looked at a certain pegasus.

"Yea, Dawn decided to 'kill' her early on, in case someone says something about it later." Callum said from his seat next to Ditzy. Thompson thought for a moment, and noticed something.

"Hey, did you remember to tell Jakob that this was just a game?" He asked Dawn, who promptly facehoofed.

"I knew I fucking forgot something!" He groaned.

[Back to the town, with Jakob]

"Son of a bitch..." I wheezed, glad that I can turn back to my normal form for a few hours at a time, while clutching an M1911. I barely managed to escape a few zombie ponies, and things weren't looking good at all.

'Alright, quick recap. Was trying to enjoy myself, as most of the town stayed away from me because I'm a changeling. Then the screaming started, and I found myself carried off for a while before I managed to get away. Met up with Blake and Duffy, aquired a pistol and several magazines for it. Been hunting zombies since, but fuck, these fuckers are everywhere.' I thought as I hid in the local bar, not even thinking of getting a drink at the moment. 'And fuck, Molotovs aren't going to be useful, as the zombies will just become mobile torches.' I thought after looking at various boozes.

"Alright, gotta stay quiet..." I muttered, before creeping deeper into the shop, and ended up brushing against something cold, and moving. "...Fuck." Was all that I was able to get out before I was bitten on the shoulder. I managed to keep a scream of pain from escaping my mouth, and shot the zombie in the face with my pistol. The body hit the ground, while I was released and ended up on my side, checking the remaining bullets in the magazine.

"One bullet left... Figures.." I chuckled, and put the barrel of the gun into my mouth, muttering a silent, last prayer before squeezing the trigger.

"What in the fuck?" I yelled, looking around. Mark was grinning at me from a seat on a cloud, while Dawn walked up to me.

"I forgot to tell you this earlier, Jakob." He said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. At my stare, he decided to go on. "The zombie attack was a game Mark, Luna, and I made up a few weeks ago. I meant to tell you, but it slipped from my mind and I was turned before I could remember."

"So I killed myself for nothing?" I asked, noticing that I was back in my 'natural' body.

"Pretty much, yea." Mark grinned, patting my chitin covered head. "Good job, though. Didn't think I was going to get killed at all."

"Wait, you're the one who bit me?" I metaphorically rose an eyebrow.

"Yea. Got roughly thirty ponies and Doc infected before I got a bullet to the brain bucket." He said. "You're dead dead, so sit back and enjoy watching the town mostly disintegrate from the chaos."

"Who's left of the humans and Elements?" I asked Dawn, sitting next to him and looking through a cloud that was showing the perimeter of the Library.

"Duffy, Blake, and Duran are the remaining humans. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie are also still alive. Rarity is down there somewhere. Twilight was shot in the face by Duran, she's over there somewhere talking to Lyra." He replied, waving a hoof in a seemingly random direction. "This cloud's pretty big, and I can't see over the rolls."

[Because I don't want a larger brick than I've already shat, er, typed. Dawn]

The sunrise would have been beautiful as always, if I wasn't keeping my ass from being bitten. As an Alicorn, which took me a second to recognize as Luna, popped into town square with WIlliams, a fog horn sounded off from somewhere, confusing the fuck out of everyone.

"What was that?!" A mare whispered as I cracked my back, grinning.

"Sound off! Who's still alive?" I called out, before saying the same thing into the radio on my shoulder.

"Lost Duffy a few hours ago, and his blood's all over the hood now." Blake answered.

"Congratulations, mate. We're the only human survivors." I whispered, before turning to Pinkie Pie and Applejack.

"What in the hay was that, anyhow?" Applejack asked, confused as fuck.

"That was the signal that it's safe to leave the Library." I said, opening the door and revealing a grinning Mark.

"Who all lived?" He asked, looking around the Library and probably counting heads.

"Me and Blake." I replied, shrugging. Applejack finally noticed that Mark was alive (probably because she hasn't had a wink of sleep all day yesterday and last night), and promptly sailed into his arms.

"Congratulations, everypony!" Dawn said as he trotted his red and black ass into the door, grinning. "You all've won the first Zombie Run in over a thousand years!"

"But those weren't zombies!" A redshirt yelled from a couch. Yea, I've watched Star Trek. Sue me.

"Oh, but they were. They're human zombies." Dawn replied, getting him to shut up. At this point, Luna came in and announced the winners on the zombies side. Mark, for most kills. Ditzy, for longest 'life'. The survivors only had one winner, who was Blake, for most kills.

Thus was the first Nightmare Night that the humans participated in. And fuck, it was fun as hell.

Rescue Part 1

After seeing how Spike acts around Rarity, it wasn't that hard to notice that he was either in love with Rarity or he was constantly hungry around her (I'm surprised that I haven't noticed before now, myself.). I get the same feeling. The hunger, that is. Rarity reminds me of a marshmellow that can do magic and coat you in sequins while making your clothing strangle you at the same time. I've never mentioned that I hate ties and suits unless it's my uniform, though.

Anyway, I told him to grow some balls and to go tell her his feelings. At the time, I didn't know that she and Blake had evolved from housemates to fuck buddies, and she told me after he left that half of the reason was that she viewed him as a good friend. The other half was that it wouldn't be good in the long term if she shared his feelings. (She also explained a brief moment where Spike went apeshit and nearly destroyed the town because he became a greedy bugger.)

I overheard him mutter something about trying with Sweetie Belle as he left, just because this seemed important. I think she's smitten with him, myself.

"Hey, Mark. You see two new humans around lately?" Dawn asked me the next morning as I was walking towards the Spa, cracking my knuckles a little.

"No, you bring them? Or did Luna?" I asked, being honest in my answer. There wasn't anybody new in town, besides an old donkey named Cranky Doodle Donkey. Pinkie Pie made up a song about him that was eerily similar to 'Yankee Doodle Dandy'. She also pulled his love out of her ass (Get it?), got them back together, and made him tolerate her. Apparently, she was living here for a while.

'Donkey from Canterlot comes into town; ponies regard him with disinterest. Zebra from Africa comes into town before they got educated, they act like she's the plague.' I thought, narrowing my eyes a little. 'Fucking ponies and their racism.' I talked to AJ about that; seems that being called racist is being called ignorant around here. Seems fitting. Duran's doing his best to educate the young'uns about other seninent species. Two brats, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon (Mainly DT) are making it a little hard for him.

"I did, but I haven't seen hid nor hair of them yet... Maybe they're in the Everfree?" Dawn mused, looking at me.

"I ain't going back into that shithole unless those damn zombies aren't mobile!" I instantly said, shoving a finger in his face.

"I would be more worried if they were! Damn, man. You even have a fucking Humvee, if they are out there you can just run them over with it when you're on a path!" He replied, batting my hand away with a hoof. Now that I thought of it, he was right.

"Think there are any pegasi/unicorn zombies?" I asked, looking around and waving at Doc as he strolled towards the hospital. He noticed and came over.

"If they're awake and there are, the unicorns should be relatively weak in the magic department. At the most, they can stall the Humvee for a few minutes, I believe." Dawn said after a moment of thought. Doc stepped up next to us and crossed his arms.

"Need me for something, Mark?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Think we could borrow the Humvee for... two days at the most?" I asked. "We have two humans running around in the forsaken forest that Fluttershy thinks is a good idea to live next to."

"I'll come with, just in case one's injured. I'll go have a word with my boss and swing the Humvee over by the farm." He said, before jogging off.

"Go get Callum and Blake. Can't fit anymore in comfortably if one of us get injured." I said to Dawn.

"What about Duran?" Dawn asked, looking around.

"Cheerilee's sick, so he can't come." I replied, before going and telling Aloe and Lotus that I'd be risking my ass for somebody for two days at the most. They understood, after I telling them it's what I did for a living before I came here, and let me leave, with half pay anyway.

[Later. I've been doing this a lot, haven't I?]

"Are ya sure 'bout this, Sugarcube?" Applejack asked as I checked a magazine to the M16s.

"Yea, AJ, I am. Don't worry, I've done stuff like this before." I said, smiling at her.

'Though not in a jungle environment...' I silently added, and watched as Dawn's eye twitched suddenly.

"What's wrong with you?" I asked, placing the magazine in a crate near the seats.

"There's four of them now. Luna sent one, and Celestia sent the other." He said, eyes widening. My eyes reflected his, and Callum was confused.

"What's wrong?" He asked, oblivious to what that meant.

"Think she sent him to act as an assassin?" I asked, slipping on my bulletproof vest and reinforced cammies (courtesy of Dawn), while checking my M60.

"Most likely. They're both from WWII, and I can faintly detect that one's German..." He said.

"Son of a bitch..." I sighed, running my hands through my hair. "Right, at least we're lucky enough that I'm half German, and I fluently know the language. I might get a few words wrong, but I could hold my own against him in a verbal debate."

"Good luck, I know you're gonna need it." Dawn said as Callum, Blake, Doc, and I climbed in.

"Same to you. Try and persuade Celestia that we're not gonna overthrow her unless she deserves it." I said, loading up the turret. "Doc, you're gonna need to wear your helmet, we have fellow WWII soldiers out there, and one of 'em is a Nazi." I told Isaac, slapping the roof and causing Callum to drive forward.

"Alright, here's the plan!" I yelled down to them once we were on a trail in the forest. "We're doing a search and rescue in this hellhole! We're looking for four humans! Two of them are confirmed to have died in WWII, so we have to tread a little carefully, since one of them's German! I honestly don't know about the other two, since Dawn didn't give me enough Intel about them. Any questions?"

"None, sir!" They called up, getting serious'd up in a split second.

"There's a group of zombies in here that I've had the 'luck' to encounter my first night in here. Their eyes glow red, so if you see that, tell me and I will make sure they're erradicated from the face of this planet." I added after a moment, looking around. "Dawn said that they're not out right now, but I don't want to take anything to chance."

"Shit!" Callum suddenly said, braking hard and almost sending my face into the .50 turret.

"What is it?" I called out, readjusting my helmet.

"There's a roadblock in the form of a fallen tree." He said, opening the door and walking over to it, Blake following after a moment. I made sure to keep an eye out for them as they moved it out of the way.

"Son of a bitch! That's gonna take some time to clear out..." Blake groaned after they moved the tree, only to find more blocking them.

"Go help them, Doc. I've got ya'll covered." I said down to the Medic, who complied and went to help them.

'They don't look like they've fallen down naturally... Some asshat's cut them down to hinder our progress...' I thought, frowning a little as the forest suddenly seemed to close in around me.

"Be careful over there! Seems like a trap to me..." I called out, looking around.

"Probably because you're still feeling like you're in Afghanistan!" Blake yelled back.

"Shut it! Callum came in from Mogadishu! That place was ten times worse!" I said, causing Callum to nod slowly.

"Died in the only place where the Militia was able to launch a counterattack on short notice. It's been about six months, and I've already forgotten the name of it. It's something Market..." He said, shaking his head and moving the next log with the others.

"My condolenses then." Blake said, and rustling from behind me caused me to swivel the turret around, expecting glowing red eyes. As I tried looking through the darkness, I sorely wish I asked Duffy for his night vision goggles.

"Mark! Something in the forest brought another human in!" Dawn shouted through the radio, startling me. I quickly took a seat and replied.

"Well what the hell was it?!" I half yelled, drawing a borrowed M1911 and looked through the windows.

"I don't know, and that worries me! There's five people running around in that place now, and I think the zombies are awake!" He frantically yelled, causing me to swear.

"Well we're fucking stuck right now. We got a fucking roadblock up here, and something cut the trees down." I replied, and I could practically hear Dawn's eyes widening.

"IT'S A FUCKING TRAP! GO AROUND!" He literally screamed, probably using what Williams said Luna sometimes uses, the Royal Canterlot Voice. I could practically feel the wind around me become hurricane strength for a second.

"SHIT! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE!" I screamed, getting back on the turret and gritting my teeth as red eyes started popping up all around us.

"Doc, Blake! Get back to the truck! This is the last one!" Callum ordered, gritting his teeth as he slowly pushed what appeared to be the last log out of the way.

"Cover him Blake! Doc, get your ass in gear, I got you covered!" I shouted, firing a couple shots at a pair of eyes that were getting closer to Doc, who was scrambling towards me. Brass casings started pooling around my feet as I kept firing at anything that came close, and suddenly, a filly with her eyes clamped shut bolted out of the darkness and slammed into Doc, tripping him and sending him into the side of the Humvee, face first.

"Fuck!" He groaned, holding his face in one hand as he groped for the door handle with the other.

"You alright, kid?" I called down, while ripping a zombie to shreds.

"I don't think there's any goats here..." The filly groaned, stumbling to her feet as Doc got the door open.

"Yea, you're fine..." I muttered, getting down and pulling her into the Humvee as Blake and Callum booked it back to us.

"Hold on to your asses!" Callum yelled as he stomped on the accelerator, sending me to my ass and smashing the back of my head against the trunk. The filly sprawled across my chest, and when she opened her eyes...

...they were fucking glowing.

Rescue, Part 2

I don't know why I didn't yell, I just backed up against the trunk. Sadly, when I hit it, the trunk popped open, so I took a tumble out. Luck was somewhat on my side, as my foot got caught in a strap of my M60, sending it out with me. I hit the ground with a yelp that must've went unheard by the others, as the Humvee didn't stop.

"Shit..." I groaned, getting to my feet and really wishing that I had Duffy's goggles right now. Looking around, I couldn't see dick for more than five meters at best, and picked up the LMG, switching it into an MP40.

"Welp, I ain't going to get back to Ponyville or find the others standing around..." I muttered, before hearing something running and being slammed into a few seconds later.

'Fuck you, Murphy's Law...' I thought, shoving my assailant off of me and getting to my feet, only to discover that it was a teenager, looked to be in his late teens, and the first thing I noticed was that he was wearing Sonic's soap shoes from SA2. Fuck bro for being a Sonic fan, forcing that stuff onto me whether I liked it nor not. As I looked at him, he scrambled to his feet and looked around, before setting his eyes on me.

"'Ello there." I said in a british tone, grinning like an idiot.

"T-There's z-zombies following me." He stuttered out, causing me to roll my eyes.

"Bloody bastards put up a trap for our vehicle, and I sorta fell out of the back." I replied, looking around. "You wouldn't happen to have night vision goggles, would you?" I asked.

"All I have is the clothes on my back and my iPod." He replied.

"Bloody figures... Alright, which way did you come from?" I asked.

"Behind me." He replied, raising an eyebrow.

"Right then. I vote that we go the other way." I said, grabbing the hood of his jacket and started running in the opposite direction, keeping on the trail.

"How do you know where you're going?!" He asked after I let go, keeping up with me.

"Came this way when we appeared in here. What do you remember before coming to?" I asked, keeping an eye out for any weird looking lights or something.

"I got shot by a few gang members. Is this hell?" He replied, probably not even fazed at this point.

"May seem that way, but no." I answered, letting off a few rounds between two glowing red eyes. "Just a world that happens to have a forest where everything wants to kill you, including the dead. So, you see any other humans besides me out here?"

"Two of them. One was carrying a weapon like that and speaking some weird language, while the other gave me some first aid for a few scratches." He replied, pulling his jacket up and showing me a chest covered in bandages, which was sorta red.

"Was one of them speaking like this?" I asked in German.

"Just like that!" He said, nodding.

"Welp, I guess I found the German..." I muttered, stopping and looking around.

"What is it?" He asked, stopping next to me.

"It's way too bloody quiet... I can't even hear the insects..." I muttered, raising my MP40 and becoming cautious as fuck.

"H..o..?" A distant voice called out, making me whirl around to face the source.

"Identify yourself!" I shouted as loud as I could, causing the kid to wince.

"P... Schmidt... Wehrmacht..." The person shouted back, getting clearer as he came closer.

"What's your name, kid?" I quietly asked, looking around to see if the shouting attracted anything.

"Sergio Sarceno." He replied, holding out a hand. I shook it with a small grin.

"General Mark Durnkinscoff of the USMC and EM." I replied. The sound of something running through the undergrowth made me let go of his hand and raise my MP40, ready to shoot anything that isn't human or non-hostile.

"Don't shoot!" The German said, coming out with his hands behind his head. I took a moment to check out his gear. He wore a uniform that was commonly worn on the Eastern Front, telling me that he died fighting the Soviet Union. He had an MP40 dangling next to his waist and from what I could tell he also had a Kar98k strapped to his back, along with four 'potato masher' grenades in loops alongside his belt, two on either side.

"What's your name, soldier?" I asked, lowering my weapon slightly.

"Private Helmut Schmidt. May I ask the same of you?" He replied, lowering his arms.

"General Mark Durnkinscoff, sadly not of the Nazi Wehrmacht. I'm a part of the United States Marine Corps, and more recently of the Equestrian Military." I answered, before narrowing my eyes a little. "Care to tell me exactly why you joined up?"

"It's not like I had a choice, sir. It was either join up or be killed for being Jewish." He replied, causing me to nod in respect.

"How well do you speak English?" I asked, finally relaxing a little.

"Not very well, I'm afraid. The other US soldiers found that out rather quickly. One of them threatened me as soon as he saw me." He replied, frowning a little.

"Helps that he was in the same war as you, which we won, by the way. Hitler killed himself in 1945, and we forced the Japanese to surrender several months later." I explained, shrugging.

"Good riddance." He said, and we suddenly heard some shuffling coming down the trail.

"Sergio, do you know how to fire a rifle?" I asked, tensing up once again.

"Yea, why?" He asked, looking at me.

"Schmidt, give the kid your rifle, and several clips of ammo." I commanded, glaring forward. He quickly complied, pulling a few clips of ammunition for his rifle out of several pockets and handing them over along with his Kar98k.

"When you see a pair of glowing red orbs, aim for the middle. Ask Schmidt to show you how to reload, and be thankful that it isn't an M1 Garand, as you could lose your thumb." I quickly said, getting down on one knee. Sergio nodded and looked down the sights, aiming to the left of me, while Schmidt took my back and right, completing a triangle of death.

"Incoming, my left!" Schmidt shouted, firing off a couple rounds, while I switched my MP40 out for a BAR.

"Sergio, three on your left!" I called out after glancing over at him. Sergio fired as quickly as one could with a bolt-action rifle, only missing once. As I prepared to rip a zombie to shreds, somebody beat me to the punch, the report of another BAR firing and a few pairs of eyes faded.

"Friendlies coming in!" Someone shouted, and I held my fire. Out of the darkness came two people; one of them was carrying the BAR that I heard, had a ammunition bandolier strapped to his chest, and was from WWII. The other was dressed up in black, had a gasmask attached to his face, and was carrying a shotgun. A bit of a closer inspection indicated that it was a 12-gauge.

"Names?" I asked as they crouched next to me and Sergio, panting a little.

"Private Luke Gallan of the United States Army, Infantry." WWII dude replied, giving me a quick salute.

"Private Connor o'Drake." Gasmask said with a slightly muffled New Zealand accent.

"Pleasure to meet the both of you. Either of you get bitten?" I asked, scanning for any hostiles.

"Nope." They both replied.

"Sergio here got all cut up, but I fixed him up good. Can't say anything about that Nazi, though." Gallan said, glaring a hole into Schmidt's back.

"Easy there, Gallan. He's Jewish, and was forced to fight. Probably wasn't even on the same continent you were when he died." I replied, getting a stare from Connor. Gallan shrugged, and suddenly we were bathed in headlights, causing Schmidt and Sergio to cry out in both pain and surprise.

"You boys need a lift?" Doc called out, sticking his upper body out of the window.

"Ride's here!" I said with a little relief lacing my voice. I repeated it in German for Schmidt, who nodded.

"What kind of vehicle is that?" Gallan asked when he stopped blinking from being half blinded.

"It's called a Humvee. The United States, in my time period, is currently using them as a lightly armored vehicle. Think of a jeep, but with more armor." I explained, sliding in and getting on the turret again. "What's the sitrep, Doc?" I asked as the others got in after me.

"Found the Staff Sargeant lying in the forest, unconscious. He doesn't have any bites on him, so that's a good sign." Doc said, and I just noticed the form of a SS (Staff Sergeant) about a foot from my feet. I also noticed that the filly from before was nowhere in sight.

"Alrighty then. Is everyone in?" I asked, looking down. When they agreed, I slapped the roof and Duran stomped on the gas.

'Let's get the fuck out of this forest already.' I thought, glaring at the lights that just watched us leave.

Author's Note

I have a side story to this one, and I'm wondering if ya'll want to read it or not.

Tell me in the comments! (Spoiler: The humans go to war)

Assignment

About a month after we got everyone settled in (Only one or two incidents where I threatened to blow their fucking head off because of their comments about the ponies), it was a normal day. Well, as normal as Ponyville considers. Also, Schmidt got Scoots to open up and she revealed that she was actually an orphan. He took her under his metaphorical wing, and Dash found out, much to Scootaloo's fears.

Dash is starting to work harder with Scoots to get her to fly. She's doing her best to make a pegasus out of a chicken. Metaphorical chicken, but still.

And Gallan found my iPod (and M1911) when he appeared. I gave him fifty bits in return, causing him to faint for a few minutes. When he awoke, I told him that gold was commonplace, causing him to promptly faint again. Dude was a dirt poor farmer before coming, so I understood that.

Anyway, I was chatting with Schmidt (he's getting better in English, thankfully), when Dawn appeared and, without saying anything, teleported us away.

"The fuck?!" I coughed out, a little smoke coming from my mouth as if we were in a cartoon. Schmidt was brushing ash off of him.

"I need your help." Dawn said, standing over us, his gaze settled on my face. "And I would rather ask as a friend than give an order as your CO." He added as I got to my feet.

"Alright, what is it, Dawn?" I asked, cracking my neck.

"There's a fieldtrip going to the Canterlot Sculpture Garden tomorrow, and I want you two to acompany them to check up on a certain statue. I would go, but I'm too busy trying my best to keep the Gryphons from Canada settled down." Dawn explained.

"...And you need us why?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You have one of the only radios in this country that's linked with mine." He said with a nod towards a desk, which housed a radio.

"It's bulky as hell, but yea." I said, nodding. "You could've chosen anyone else, though. Why us?" I asked, folding my arms and looking at him.

"...You're not ponies, and the only true alliegence you have is to your men." He finally said, starting to pace. "And even that might not be enough. I'm asking you this so you can get a feel for doing errands nobody else really wants to do."

"You've done that before?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, but that's not the point. I know there's a shitstorm coming, and it will either be within or from external sources. We're having major problems with the gryphons, and Celestia is brooding. I don't know what, but I know she's planning something." He explained, pacing in front of us as we took a seat on a couch. While he thought for a moment, I took that time to clean my pistol.

'If I just aim it at him while he's turned away, he won't be able to react in time to stop the bullet...' I thought, and prepared to aim.

"What are you doing?" Schmidt asked, snapping me back to my senses.

"W-What the hell? Was I seriously going to shoot Dawn?" I asked, tossing my gun to the ground in shock.

"It looked like that. Seems that I was right to ask you to visit the statue." Dawn said, causing my attention to turn to him. He was staring at my chest, frowning.

"Yea..." I muttered, putting my face in my hands. "We'll go take a look later..."

"Duran will meet with you two at the train station tomorrow at about 9 AM, with Cheerilee and their class. Schmidt will carry the radio, and you bring whatever you think is nessicary." Dawn said, before teleporting us away.

[The next day]

"You got it strapped on right?" I asked, checking the ammunition in a magazine for my M1911. I had decided to bring along two frag grenades, one of them what Huka (The Staff Sargeant that we rescued) had brought along with him, and the other was a makeshift one that I created in about an hour.

"Yes, I do. Stop worrying so much, Mark." Schmidt replied, as the little ones that Cheerilee and Duran had to control came up onto the platform like the idjits some were. The CMCs were first, and I was assaulted by Applebloom while Scoots jumped at Schmidt.

Scootaloo had less of a 'tough' fascade now that she was officially adopted (I had to help him wade through the forms and shit).

"You two going somewhere?" Duran asked, shouldering his M16.

'Glad that I was able to make clay bullets for him. Hurts like a bitch, but they won't kill unless he hits one of them in the eye.' I found myself thinking, before shrugging.

"Dawn didn't tell you?" I asked.

"Tell me what?" So he didn't.

"We're coming along so we can check up on a sculpture in the garden. Figure I'd give Schmidt a tour of the garden too." I explained, patting the German's shoulder. Schmidt nodded, not completely understanding what I just said.

"An' the doohickey on his back?" Applebloom asked from my arms, as I was holding her. Schmidt was doing the same to Scoots and Sweetie Belle.

"We're gonna use it to talk to Dawn when we're done." I replied, patting her head and sitting down on a chair on the train. After a moment, Applebloom hopped down from my arms, as did Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo from Schmidt's.

"So, did he tell you what the statue is supposed to look like?" Schmidt asked, leaning back as much as the radio would allow.

"He said that I'd be able to tell when I see it." I replied, fiddling with my homemade grenade.

"...If you blow us up I'll kill you." Schmidt deadpanned.

"Relax, I'm not an idiot." I waved it in his face with a shit-eating grin. His stare didn't show any fear, which made me huff and clip it back onto my jacket.

"So, what rank were you before you died?" Schmidt asked, and I noticed that the brat Diamond Tiara was coming over, but didn't comment on that.

"I was actually a Corporal, in the USMC. I didn't become a General until I made a deal with Dawn." I answered, leaning back.

"What was the deal?" He asked.

"All humans are protected by him personally, unless they decide otherwise, in return for my enlistment as a General. I also have my own Spec. Ops. squad, if you're interested." I explained, holding my hand out for him to shake. After a moment, he grabbed my hand with his own, and gave me a nod.

"I'd be honored to fight alongside you, sir." He said.

"First order; cut that sir shit, you're not in uniform." I said, deadly serious. He was wearing a simple shirt and jeans, but did have his boots on. At this point, I noticed that Diamond Tiara was bullying Scootaloo, and nobody else noticed.

"Hey, Tiara!" I called out, turning her attention to me. Without even letting her say anything, I unhooked a grenade, pulled the pin, and tossed it at her. Schmidt didn't even let it hit the floor as he literally flew away from me, and everyone else who knew what a grenade did too. Tiara was frozen in shock as the grenade blew up...

Author's Note

Two things; Cliffhanger.

And I know I'm gonna get flak for Scoots being an orphan, but it's my opinion goddammit.

Statue

...And I couldn't help but fall to the floor, laughing hard as she stood there in shock, confetti floating around her face. I had to stop when I heard the report of a rifle and a clay bullet slammed into my chest, making me wince.

"Worth it..." I wheezed, sitting up slowly, rubbing my chest with a hand as I made absolutely sure the other grenade wasn't live. After a while of nothing happening, I got up to use the bathroom. Of course, I had to pass by Diamond Tiara on the way.

"When we get back to Ponyville, I'll tell daddy to get the Guards stationed there to arrest that ape." Was the gist of what she said. I couldn't help but grin as I kept going.

"Well, tell them that he's armed and ready to blow their heads off." I said when I returned, loud enough to where she would definitely hear it.

'See how long it would take for them to realize that I'm a superior officer, I'm a Spec. Ops. leader, I have more firepower than they can imagine, and I would be able to blow up their barracks without leaving a trace of ever being there.' I thought, chuckling a little.

"What's so funny?" Schmidt asked as I retook my seat.

"We may have some visitors later." Was all that I replied, already getting bored. Now I'm starting to wish I had brought another confetti grenade; the CMCs seemed to like it. Dear lord I hope they don't get an appendage on my stash.

'Hmm... I need to try something...' I thought, and grabbed my beating stick. Thinking hard, I couldn't help but let out a small laugh as it turned into what I wanted it to; an energy sword from Halo. It looked like the Halo 2 version. Even while deactivated.

"What's that?" Duran asked, sitting across from me as I examined the deactivated weapon.

"A shakeweight. Actually, it's an energy sword from Halo. It's a video game that came out after you died." I replied, pressing the activation button and nearly sliced off his nose by accident. "4.32 feet long and dual blades that are made of hardened plasma. Shit will slice through a tank's armor like it was made of butter. Melted butter, at that." I said, before deactivating it and examining for special grooves or something.

"Is it safe to touch the blade?" He asked.

"What part of 'hardened plasma' and 'could slice through a tank' didn't you get? Plasma will pretty much melt your hand off before you can see it. You get run through with this, you're fucked. Damn thing would slice through your chest like it was made of smoke." I deadpanned, making him nod and turn a little pale.

"So, how's he doing with his English?" Duran asked, nodding at Schmidt.

"I'm getting better. Still hard, but I say it good." Schmidt replied, stumbling on his words a little.

"How's Callum's black ass doing?" I asked, putting the 'shakeweight' energy sword into my pocket, and made a quick prayer to God (Even though I'm still Athiest, pricks) that it didn't activate while in my trousers. Yeah, both Callum and Duran were black, so what?

"He's doing fine, helping Der- Ditzy around with the mail." He said, almost insulting Ditzy. One of the reasons I almost blew one of their heads off was because of that. No matter what she says we can call her, my men are going to fucking use her name, not her nickname. The door behind me and Schmidt suddenly opened and a few of the foals that we were half-heartedly watching over screamed, causing me to rip the Energy Sword hilt out and activate it before whirling around, the tip barely an inch from a young changeling (foal?)'s muzzle.

"What in the world...?" I muttered, deactivating the sword again and picked up a shivering bugpony, wondering what in the hell is going on. His (Fuck, not like I can tell) muzzle was warm, but that was probably due to almost coming into contact with hardened plasma. I sat down hard, and simply stared out the window as Cheerilee and Duran worked to get the kids under control, slowly stroking a shivering insect.

'I think this just made it to my top five list of weird ass days...' I thought, frowning a little. A chirp brought my attention to the bug in my grasp, and I checked it over for damages, much to the changeling's confusion.

"Can you understand me?" I quietly asked, getting a small nod and another chirp.

'Step one, complete.' I thought.

"Can you speak?" A shake and another chirp made me sigh in annoyance and lean back some more, rubbing my face with a hand. It's a fucking foal, alright.

"Is that a changeling?" Applebloom asked, making me look down at her. She and the changeling were regarding each other with interest.

"Young one, by the looks of it. Can't even speak English yet." I answered, putting him down in front of her. They poked at each other, and the changeling decided to retreat between my feet when Sweetie Belle came over cautiously.

"Fucking... I think I just got forced into adopting a changeling..." I groaned, not remembering the German word for changeling, so I said it in English.

"Look at bright side." Schmidt said, turning all those that heard (Me, Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and the changeling. Don't know where Scoots was.) towards him. "Least you can have child with Applejack now." Fuck, he's right.

"That's true... She can't actually have my child, since she's a pony..." I muttered, before looking at Applebloom.

"Yes, big brother?" She asked adorably, making me d'aww inside. Confound these ponies, they drive me to be soft!

"Quick, tell me if it's a colt or a filly. I can't tell with other races." I said, holding out the changeling for her and making sure to use the pony version of boy/girl.

'I can barely tell when it comes to ponies.' I added in my mind. A moment later, Applebloom told me that it was a filly. I simply nodded and let the changeling fall asleep in my lap, looking cute as fuck.

"We're here!" Cheerilee called out when the train started stopping. We (Schmidt, the changeling, and I) took that as our cue to stand up, the bug filly buzzing up to land on my left shoulder. Once outside, I faced away from everyone and made a few practice swings to get a feel for my newfound energy sword. After a few seconds of bullshitting around with it, I turned it off and jogged to catch up with the group, taking the transcever for the radio in hand and keying it to the first few notes of Terminator 2: Judgement Day's theme.

"Yes?" Dawn's voice cracked to life.

"We're in Canterlot, heading towards the garden." I replied, before looking at the changeling and decided to switch to German to fuck with eavesdroppers.

"I've hit a bit of a snag, and found a flaw with my beating stick that I'm exploiting from now on." I said, getting a sigh.

"What are they?" Dawn asked.

"A changeling filly, I think, decided to adopt me as her father, and the weapon can turn into an energy sword from the video game Halo." I explained.

"...Applejack might react negatively towards the kid, but I suggest letting her stay. As for the weapon, do you want me to fix the flaw?" He asked, and I instantly knew my answer.

"Hell no. The sword is able to slice through the walls of your castle without causing me to break a sweat." I replied with a grin.

"Alright then. Radio me in later with intel on the statue. Dawn out." He said, and stopped talking while also causing me to leave the radio alone.

"Welp, allonsy!" I chirped, and started strolling down the street rather fast so I could catch up with our group.

[At the garden]

Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and Scootaloo were having an arguement, which they were doing for a while. Schmidt and I were lagging at the back of the group, inspecting all of the statues closely for damage.

"Can anypony guess as to what this statue represents?" Cheerilee called out, standing to what I could only call an abomination. One goat leg, one lizard leg, a lion paw, an antler, and two different wings.

"Butt ugly?" I muttered, before stepping forward as the CMCs did too, struggling to get their voices out at the same time.

"Confusion!"

"Evil!"

"Chaos!"

"It's Discord." I said, causing Cheerilee to nod at me. Hell, I didn't even know where that popped up from. It just came into my head and forced itself out of my mouth before I could comprehend what it meant.

"Actually, all four of you are correct, though Mark said the exact meaning." Cheerilee said, looking down at the pile o' filly. "In fact, you three have demonstrated discord so well, you are to write a report on it." She added, causing DT to snicker as they walked off.

"This the statue?" Schmidt asked as I looked around it.

"Yea..." I murmured, freezing when it started cracking and I heard a menacing chuckle. "Did you hear that?" I quietly asked Schmidt, who shook his head in confusion. Without another word, I ripped the transcever out and didn't even wait for the keying, "DAWN!" I shouted, causing the changeling still on my shoulder and Schmidt to recoil.

"What in the name of ponyhell is it?!" He growled.

"Discord is breaking free." I said, and I heard a thump.

Author's Note

Lotta italics in this chapter, but eh. Also confetti grenades!

Discord, Part 1

After a long moment (in which the statue exploded into a bright light, and the abomination that was Discord flew off, cackling like a madman. We fired about fifty rounds at him, but the bullets turned into peices of chocolate on impact.), Dawn finally spoke up.

"...Get on the horn to Ponyville. I want every human to get their asses up here as soon as possible. Make sure to order them to have a force of six to protect the Elements. We both know that Celestia is going to want them up here." He said. "I need to go inform her. If you hear me scream like a little kid, I'm simply fucking around with the pomptious pricks that inhabit her day court." He added.

Seconds later, I instantly knew what he meant.

"AUNTIE 'TIA!!!!" Somewhere in the castle, Dawn screamed with the force only a young'un could use. Along with the help of the best damn microphone and speakers that inhabit the universe. (It was later confirmed to have woken up Dash, which is a feat in itself if the time of day is before noon.)

"...I think I just went deaf..." Schmidt muttered, digging a finger into his right ear and wiping out a mixture of ear wax and blood.

"Doc. Callum. One of you two answer the fucking radio." I said, wiping a little blood from my ears too.

"What is it Mark? Is it about that scream we heard?" Doc said after a moment, and I could practically see and hear Fluttershy clinging to his back.

"We need every man to haul ass to Canterlot. Get someone to protect Applejack and Twilight, the rest of you will protect the ones you are with." I ordered.

"And what about Fluttershy? I'm a noncombatant." He asked, causing me to think for a split second.

"Connor will assist you in getting her here safely. I'm not doubting for a second that Celestia has told the Elements to get here, so all of you will accompany them." I said.

"Will I be leaving the Humvee here?" He asked.

"I'm afraid so. Only ways up to the castle are teleportation, flying, climbing, or the train. The Humvee wasn't built to go over tracks." I finally said. "Make sure to bring as many munitions as possible, though. We'll more than likely need them." I added, before putting the transceiver down and looking at Schmidt.

"Go to castle?" He asked.

"Go to the castle. C'mon." I nodded, and looked around once before jogging towards the front doors.

[Later]

With Dawn's 'suggestion', me and Schmidt set up shop with the changeling (still on my shoulder) at the bottom of the set of stairs that Sunbutt was at the top of, glaring down at the back of our heads. After a moment, I put the filly in Schmidt's lap, stood up, and started swinging my energy sword around.

"Think fast!" Dawn yelled from behind me, and I had barely enough time to whirl around and slice a stick that he got from somewhere into two burning slices. Sunbutt glared at him as he sent random shit at me, and soon there was a pile of smoldering crap at the bottom of the staircase. I only missed a few, and sported a good sized bruise on my chest.

"Princess Celestia! We came as fast as we could!" Twilight suddenly shouted, the doors behind me opening quite suddenly. It took all of my self control to not toss my remaining grenade behind me and hit the deck when it opened. What happened next almost brought a tear to my eye. Almost.

Every single man (except Sergio, because he stayed behind) fanned out, rifles at the ready. They quickly took up defensive positions where it was possible, keeping their weapons trained on any exit within sight, while Schmidt, the changeling, and I grouped up with the Elements.

"Orders?" Connor asked as I started going up the stiars, being the closest to me. I could also tell that he was visibly straining to stop from bolting off. At least that gasmask of his hid the fear in his eyes.

"Connor, Callum, and Duran; stay here and don't let anyone in. Whether it be guard or civilian, if they try to keep coming in, shoot them. Don't let it be lethal unless absolutely necessary. Everyone else, with me." I said. "Duran's in charge, listen to him." I added, looking at the three I told to stay behind.

"Yes, Sir!" They said, snapping to attention and giving me crisp salutes. It made me proud. Connor and Callum quickly did what Duran told them to, getting into positions on the far sides of the staircase, while the rest of them followed after me and the others.

We soon arrived at an asslong hallway that had stained glass windows on either side, and I sent Gallan and Schmidt to go down to the other end to secure it. Gallan reluctantly did, still not completely trusting Schmidt.

"So, Sugarcube..." AJ begain as Sunbutt explained to the rest of the mares as why they were there. "Why is there a changelin' on ya shoulder?"

"Dawn thinks it's a good idea to adopt her, seeing as she's already adopted me as a sort of guardian." I replied, and got a look of both shock and mild disgust.

"But she's a changeling!" She growled, causing me to sigh.

"And I'm a human. Yet you think it's perfectly fine to be with me." I retorted, causing her to faulter.

"T-That's different... Ya didn't try to take over the country..." She stammered, glancing around. I saw that Dawn was paying attention to us, but to his credit, AJ didn't notice. The other humans, especially Duffy and Blake, were too. I bet that if Callum were here, he'd be paying attention the most. (Guy already gets enough questions about the difference in his skin color from the ponies.)

"So you're going to blame the actions of an entire race on one foal? That's pretty much what Celestia is doing with us, Applejack. You ponies may be blind to her emotions, but we all can see that she hates us." I stated, walking a little faster to leave AJ with some time to think.

"A little harsh, don't you think?" Dawn asked, looking up at me.

"She needs to learn that, even though her Element is Honesty, not everything is as it seems." I replied, taking a glance at the foal on my shoulder, which chirped at me. I smiled a little bit and rubbed her head, and felt an odd feeling in the back of my skull as I did.

"She's feeding off of your positive emotions. From what I've seen from changelings, let her. She's starving, which is probably why she latched onto you so easily." Dawn whispered, and so I did as he said, letting the filly get her fill from my emotions.

During the feeding session, I couldn't help but look at the back of Duffy's head, and held back a laugh.

"Duffy, why in the hell did you color part of your hair pink?" I asked. He groaned and pulled some sort of sticky substinance out.

"It's fucking cotton candy. The bed turned into it while I was asleep." He muttered, flinging it away (and into Pinkie's mouth, who popped out of nowhere to eat it).

"Hold on a second!" Pinkie suddenly declaired, as we looked back to discover that our journey had met its end. "Eternal chaos comes with chocolate rain! Chocolate rain!" She said, getting up in Twi's face, and I swear, her eyes almost popped out of her sockets.

"I think I have that song on my iPod, actually..." I muttered, fishing out the old thing and looking up the song. Yep, there it is. Twilight muttered something to Sunbutt, who turned around and stuck her horn into a hole in the doors.

"Oooh. Kinky." I couldn't help but say in German, earning a glare from Sunbutt as she withdrew her horn and looked at me. A somewhat odd lightshow later, the doors opened and Rarity was the first to speak up.

"You can keep the Elements, I'll just take that box!" She said while Celestia levitated the box out and opened it up...

...to reveal an empty box.

"I totally saw that coming." I couldn't help but say, as the only ones who didn't look surprised were me, the changeling, and Dawn. And of course, Pinkie.

"Ah well! If anypony needs me, I'll be outside in the chocolate puddles with a giant swizzle straw!" She said, trotting off over to us.

"Pay up." I muttered, holding out my hand. She grumbled a little, but handed me three bits, which I quickly pocketed. The changeling chirped inquisitively at me, causing me to glance at Dawn.

"What is it?" He asked, as Pinks trotted back to the group and started messing around with Gallan, a kinda creepy grin on her face.

"I can understand the way in which she chirps. I get feelings from it." I muttered, nodding my head at the changeling.

"Dunno... Maybe she formed a pyschic link with you or something?" He muttered, rubbing his chin as Sunbutt finally snapped back to her senses.

"This doesn't make any sense! I placed a spell on that box that only I could break!" She exclaimed, starting to pace, before evil laugher echoed through the hall. All of us immediately raised our weapons, while I ignited my sword and looked around.

"What fun is there in making sense?" A very familiar voice called out, causing me to pause.

'That's Q from Star Trek...' I thought, before shaking my head and holding it.

"I really, really need some fucking meat right about now..." I muttered, and Fluttershy heard me as she went green and quickly bolted behind Thompson.

Author's Note

Cheese.

And so you won't ask later, yes, I'm still taking OCs. Don't expect them to appear until chapter 72 or so.

Discord, Part 2

"Discord!" Celestia yelled out.

"Q!" I yelled at the same time, looking around wildly.

"The fuck you talking about?" Schmidt asked, getting a mild grin from me.

'I'm so proud of him! He used his first English swear!' I thought, grinning.

"Q's a character from Star Trek, and has the same exact voice as this Discord bloke." Blake explained, surprisingly enough.

"Show yourself!" I shouted when I couldn't locate him. All I got was laughter, but also felt something in my mind, forcing me to look at a certain window. It was the one that has Discord holding the three pony types on puppet strings. All of a sudden, my body suddenly went rigid and I looked at the group, unable to control my body or voice.

"Ooh! The fun I can make with this body!" Q, or Discord, said in my mind, causing me to mentally growl at him. He ignored me and started talking to Celestia, moving in front of a window. Something he said caused Dash to yell and rush us, but Discord seemed to grant my body the ability to teleport because we suddenly appeared next to Dawn, while Dash couldn't pull out in time and faceplant into the window. Somehow, the bloody thing didn't shatter.

After a few minutes of watching Discord (using my body and teleporting to whoever he was talking to. Didn't seem to say anything to the other humans, though.) and the others trading words, there was a single, sinister laugh in the back of my mind and I fell forward, only to be caught by Fluttershy, Dawn, and Applejack. I brought them down with me, but their attempt to keep me up kept me from hitting the ground hard.

"Ugh... The fuck just happened?" I groaned as a splitting headache came upon me with force. Dawn still had that fucking neutral face of his, blocking out some of the light.

"Discord took over your body, Mark." Dawn said, right as the changeling landed on my chest. She chirped while tilting her head to the side, clearly worried for me.

"I-I'm fine... Just got a bloody big headache." I weakly grinned, rubbing her head and glancing at AJ. She looked away with a slight scowl and a look of disgust.

"Are you sure that's all you're feeling?" Fluttershy quietly asked, helping me to my feet as I put the changeling on my head. She seemed to like the perch, and settled down with a content chirp.

"As of right now, yes." I replied, smiling a little.

'And a little hurt that Applejack refuses to see the truth, even if it's staring her in the face. She's the Element of Honesty for fuck's sake!' I thought, and from my look at AJ, Fluttershy seemed to understand what went through my head.

"I'll go talk to her, Mark." Fluttershy whispered in my ear before flittering off, right as Twilight got done decoding a riddle or something.

"What in the name of unwashable and indestructable ass grease are you talking about, Twilight?" I asked, causing Gallan and Schmidt to snicker.

"Don't you remember telling me that riddle?" She asked, confused.

"All I remember is Discord taking over my body, voice, and everything except my thoughts. What the hell was the riddle?" I asked, folding my arms and raising an eyebrow.

"Discord said, 'Twists and turns are my master plan. And you will find the Elements, back where you began.'" Dawn recited, causing Twi to nod.

"Which means that the Elements are in the Castle Labyrinth!" She exclaimed, causing me to facepalm.

"You don't understand riddles, do you?" I sighed. "Riddles are designed to trick you into thinking of one thing when the answer is staring you in the face." I then turned to Dawn. "Where did the six of them first get together as a group?" I asked.

"The Golden Oaks Library in Ponyville." He answered.

"There's the answer. Think hard about the second half of the riddle." I deadpanned, looking back at the unicorn.

"I still think I'm right!" She stubbornly exclaimed, before the six of them were teleported outside by Celestia, who frowned at me.

"Ugh, I didn't have to deal with this shit in the Corps... Alright, Gallan. I need you and Duffy to go and help them." I said, and when they nodded, Dawn teleported them away. Looking out of one of the only non-stained windows, I saw them appear, while I was suddenly dragged out by something that wasn't a teleport.

"Son of a bitch!" I swore when I noticed that I, along with Schmidt, Doc, and Blake were on the ground, dazed as fuck.

"The hell you doing here?" Gallan asked, helping me to my feet.

"Don't know, man..." I muttered, helping Blake up as he was the closest. A yell was heard from above as Williams decided to, literally, drop in, because his parachute suddenly became as flyable as a brick.

"Look out!" He shouted, right before a trampoline popped out of nowhere and he 'comically' hit it before crashing into me, sending the changeling that was clinging to my head like I was a life preserver flying.

"Fucking dammit!" I growled, shoving him off of me and sitting up, as Doc looked him over and Dash flew upwards, probably going to get the Elements the lazy way.

It was pretty funny when her wings disappeared, as did Fluttershy's.

It was even funnier when Twilight and Marshmallow had their horns disappear at the same time.

We humans were kinda pissed when our weapons disappeared, but every one of us could kill with our bare hands and/or our teeth, if the need should arise.

"I swear to God..." I muttered, looking around as more insane laughter from Q sounded.

'Discord or not, I'm gonna bug him by calling him 'Q' instead.' I thought, and suggested that the others do the same. The humans agreed, while the ponies ignored me and kept freaking out, save for Pinks and AJ, who didn't lose any limbs.

Suddenly, his Q-ness appeared, while lightning flashed behind him as he gave off an evil laughter. He ruined it by stabbing a lion finger down at us.

"You should see the look on your faces!" He exclaimed, before taking a moment to think. "Oh wait, you can!" And with that, several floating mirrors appeared in front of us. I chucked mine back at him with a scowl.

"Why are you doing this, Q?!" I asked. The girls looked at me like I was crazy, but Discord laughed and nudged my shoulder, causing me to want to sock him.

"Why am I doing this, Mark of the USMC? Simply because I can!" He exclaimed, teleporting away as I swung my fist at him.

"Stop dicking around, Q. Tell us what you're playing at." I growled, crossing my arms as I glared up at him.

"Oh, all right! I want to play a game, and here are the rules!" He said, popping next to Twilight.

"The first rule; no flying, magic, or firearms." He said.

"The FIRST rule?" Dash skeptically asked, causing him to zip behind her and onto a hedge.

"The second rule is that everypony has to play or the game is over." He said, before grinning. "And I win!"

"Bah!" I scoffed.

"Good luck, everypony!" He exclaimed, teleporting off.

"What's gameplan?" Schmidt asked.

"Since Dipcord said everypony has to play, we don't have to do dick. It's not violating the rules." Gallan said, checking his pockets. "Also, he said no firearms, so I take it that we have some sort of weapons on us. Check for your knives and shit."

"Still got my shakeweight." I said, pulling out my energy sword. They all had either bayonets or combat knives, with the exception of Blake, who had nothing.

"I knew I should've taken my fucking tomahawk when we left..." He groaned, pushing his palm into his face, which he had taken the mask off for the moment just to properly facepalm. The changeling chirped and poked me with her horn.

"Well, you can at least stab or bite something." I softly said, rubbing her head.

"You're not following the rules!" Q's voice called out tauntingly.

"Actually, we don't have to play! We're not ponies, and a changeling is a completely different species!" I yelled back.

"Well, could you please play?" He asked.

"We'll see." I muttered, before looking at everyone that was there.

"We're going in, aren't we?" Gallan asked,lightly sliding his thumb over the blade of his knife.

"Everyone excep-" I started.

"Ohh! Let's have some unintentional chaos!" Q shouted suddenly, and there was a sudden bright light as a fucking Blackhawk helicopter came hurtling straight at us.

"FUCKING SCATTER!" I shouted, grabbing the filly and getting the fuck out of there. Several seconds later, a loud ass thump sounded as the heli hit the ground, but from the sounds, it was still operational.

"Shit!" Schmidt groaned, several feet away.

"New plan! Williams, go after AJ for me. Schmidt, go after Twilight. Everyone else, after the pony you fuck! And don't look at me like that Gallan, I know you and Pinkie fuck each other when the Cakes are out." I shouted, sending a deadpan expression with the comment.

"What are you gonna be doing?" Schmidt asked, looking back from the entrance to the maze.

"Checking for survivors, then I'll meet up with you." I answered, looking towards the Blackhawk as the others went inside the maze. They had to go through a wall of hedge, but Q let them through.

The filly returned to my shoulder and gave me a look that pretty much said 'get the fuck over there'.

"Do you sense anybody in the crash?" I asked, starting to jog while pocketing my energy sword.

'One, in pain.' She replied in my mind, causing me to faulter for a second.

"You can speak in my mind?" I asked.

'Kinda. It's something changelings can do with someone they're close to.' She replied, shrugging.

"How old are you, anyway?" I asked, continuing my jog.

'I'm not a foal, if that's what you're asking. Changelings age differently than ponies.' She replied. 'I'm actually the same age of, Applebloom, I think.'

"Then how come you can't say anything other than chirps?" I asked, finding a flashlight on the ground near the Blackhawk. I didn't even question shit at this point, I just turned it on and used the fucker.

'I... Don't know, actually.' She admitted, hopping off of my shoulder and pointing into the cockpit, where a few sparks were actively flying around.

"Son of a bitch... Thing's flyable, but it'll need some fixing up." I muttered, wondering why in the fuck the sky was dark. I took a look outside and gave a certain pest the finger when I noticed him hovering about five hundred yards away, making it almost pitch black around the crash site.

"Ugh..." Someone groaned from the cockpit, causing me to point the beam of light in the general direction of him.

"Welp, found a survivor." I muttered, going around and popping open the small door next to the pilot's seat, catching him as he fell out.

"FUCK!" He screamed in pain, as blood trickled out of a gash on his elbow.

Scratch that, his artery was cut the fuck up by the bone sticking from where his elbow should be.

"Shit! Apple, look for anything remotely like a first aid kit!" I barked out, hesitantly dragging him out of the chair, trying my best to not fuck him up anymore than he was already.

'Did you just call me Apple?' She asked as she dug through the shit in the back, tossing spare magazines and sunglasses left and right. I think she even threw a fucking LAW out the far side, as I did my best to stabalize the pilot.

"Fucking hell, I'm not a fucking corpsman!" I growled, checking over for rips and shit.

"I feel cold..." He groaned.

"What's your name?" I asked, lightly slapping his face while removing his cracked helmet.

"D-Daniel Smith..." He coughed, sending a little blood from his mouth.

'Something's punctured, too.' I grimly thought.

"Mine's Mark. Listen to me, alright?" I requested. When he nodded, I continued. "I need you to stay awake, no matter how painful it gets. Stay awake, and you'll live to fight another day." I said. "I don't like doing this, but I'm ordering you as a General, Private First Class Smith. Stay awake!"

"Y-Yes sir..." He groaned.

"How's that kit coming?!" I shouted, shining my flashlight at the pair of glowing blue eyes. A second later, she reappeared with something that made me grin.

'Here. I guess you adopted me, because I have no family. Might as well stick with you.' She said, placing it by my knees.

"Hell, I was a parent already. You shouldn't be too much compared to human children." I muttered, popping it open and grabbing rolls of gauze, not even fucking caring about sterilizing the wound at this point.

"And I win!" Q's voice echoed out suddenly, causing me to sigh.

"Fucking... Go get the one with the cross on his helmet and drag his ass here if it's necessary. I need him here two minutes ago." I sighed. Apple nodded and flew off, as I did my best to wrap his ass up and keep him from bleeding out.

"What was that?" Daniel asked, his eyes weakly trailing after the changeling as she flew towards the area where that bloody maze used to stand, now being little more than a foot deep crater.

"Just one of the locals. What's your blood type?" I asked.

"I-It's taped to my boot. It's getting hard to remember stuff, right now..." He stammered, causing me to look down at the closest boot.

"Alright, we're the same blood type." I said after seeing that he was O-.

"Why're you asking?" He asked, as I kept my eyes on Doc as he booked it towards our location, the other humans (and Twilight) right on his ass.

"Buddy, the only chance you have at this point is if I give you my blood." I replied, carefully wrapping my arms around his torso like I did to Doc about a year ago. "Now, try to relax, you have fucked up ribs." I grunted, lifted him up and dragged him to the other side as Doc slid to a stop next to me.

Author's Note

The little blood type bit is true, both of us have O- blood.

Well...

After Doc more or less got Smith stabilized, I glanced around before frowning.

"Where the hell are the others?" I asked Twilight, who looked kinda pissed/depressed.

"Over there. They're... Different." She replied, nodding her head over at the group of five mares that were arguing with each other.

"Never thought I'd say this, but Fluttershy's a bitch now." Doc said.

"Rarity's a hoarder." Blake added.

"Dash ditched us for 'Cloudsdale'." Duffy inputed.

"Pinkie is snapping at anybody who laughs, even if it's not at her." Gallan sighed.

"And... Applejack has become a compulsive liar." Williams finished.

"Elements of Disharmony. Lying, Greed, Abandonment or some shit, Bitchy, and Fun police." I muttered, rubbing my hands over my face before looking at Twilight.

"Yes?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I need you to make a stretcher and help this man up to the castle for medical treatment." I requested.

"Why can't I just teleport him?" She asked, probably already preparing to do so.

"Because if you do, he'll go into shock, and that's not a good thing. He's already lost a lot of blood, and is going to need a transfusion if he's going to live." Doc explained. "Add broken bones and internal bleeding to the list, and you have a recipe for disaster." He added. Twilight frown but nodded, flaring her horn and a stretcher appeared out of nowhere. I helped Doc get Smith onto it, before turning to Schmidt and Gallan.

"Yes?" They both asked, snapping to attention.

"I want you two to take inventory on what's here. If you don't know what something is, ask Duffy. The rest of you, keep them," I said to the rest of them while pointing at the other elements, "here until Twilight teleports back. I'm gonna be stuck up in the castle until I get unfucked from losing a large amount of blood, so I'm putting Blake in charge." I finished, grabbing one end of the stretcher while Doc got the other.

"Lead the way, Ms. Sparkle." Doc said, while Apple flittered up onto my head and settled down. Twi blushed a little at Doc's formaity, but nodded and lead us off towards the castle.

"So..." Smith groaned, causing me to glance down at him. "The inhabitants are bloody talking horses..."

"We prefer to be called ponies." Twilight replied. "And Mark... I've been meaning to ask you something but I couldn't really seem to figure out how to." She then said, looking back at me.

"Shoot." I said, then realized that my gun (it was an MP5 at the moment) was strapped across my chest. "Not literally."

"I've seen you use your left hand when you're writing and using that gun of yours while everypony else is using their right hands. Why?" She asked.

"I'm left handed." I replied with a casual shrug. "Out of six billion people, only ten percent use their left hands or both to write and do certain tasks." There's no way I'm telling her I jerk off with my left hand, considering that I shake hands/hooves with my left hand.

Doc seemed to get what I didn't tell her, since he leaned over Smith.

"I'm never shaking your left hand again." He muttered, allowing only me and Smith to hear it.

"You're smart then." I quipped. Smith let out some pained laughter.

"What's so funny?" Twilight asked, looking back at us again.

"It's a human thing. I think." I replied, not entirely sure if ponies masturbated or not.

"How much further until we get to the infirmary, Twilight?" Doc asked.

"About five minutes, why?" She asked. I took a glance down at Smith and grit my teeth. Poor chap was not going to last five more minutes if we kept him on this stretcher.

"Because we need to be there seven minutes ago. Start jogging, dammit!" I said, already picking up my pace to a light run, forcing Doc to keep up with me.

"I don't get paid enough for this..." Doc groaned, panting a little.

"You don't get paid at all!" I shot back.

"I know, but I've never got to use that line before!" He chuckled. We burst through the front doors to find everyone that didn't teleport out (or in the case of Williams, drop in) raising their firearms at the four of us.

"Duran, take my place! Callum, take Doc's! Follow Twilight to the infirmary, and haul ass. This guy's got less than three minutes before he's chest deep without a paddle." I ordered without missing a beat. They quickly did what I ordered, allowing Doc to rest for a brief moment.

"The fuck's going on, sir?" Connor asked, sliding his gasmask up and looking down the corridor that the other group just went down.

"Long story short, Discord won, and the group of humans that were outside, including me, were almost flattened by a Black Hawk that he brought in." I said, nodding at Doc.

"The pilot'll live, but we need to get blood in him. What's his blood type?" He asked, looking at me.

"Anybody else have O- blood?" I asked. Huka rose his right hand, allowing his Famas to fall to his side. Funny thing, his Famas is kinda like mine, but just doesn't run out of ammunition. It'll overheat, and it can't change into different guns, but it's a good spray-n-pray weapon now.

"Huka, come with me and Thompson. The rest of you lot, get outside and try to get that Blackhawk back online." I said, before walking down the hallway after Duran, Callum, and Twilight.

"Feels oddly familiar..." I heard Callum's voice echo down the hallway.

"Probably because we've had to do the same with General Mark." Duran replied. I was about to yell at them when Schmidt yanked on my sleeve.

"What is it?" I asked, looking at him.

"Something in the helicopter requires your...expertiese, sir." He explained, causing me to swear.

"Doc, go on ahead and drain Huka of his blood. I'll be there in a bit." I said, already walking off with the German.

"What exactly are we looking at?" I asked, getting into a light jog.

"Duffy said something along the lines of RPG, but I don't know exactly. English is still a little confusing." He replied, causing me to swear some more.

"Alright, go tell everybody that I want them to back off about thirty feet. I'll be there in a minute to get rid of it." I said, causing him to nod and run off.

'Even Q brought a dead man to this place...' I thought with a frown. 'What's next, Twilight bringing in a fucking Destroyer?' Great, just jinxed myself.

[In the castle]

"Ah, Dawn! It's so wonderful to see you again! How about a big hug!" Discord said from my office chair, before propping his feet up on my desk. I simply stared at him.

"What's the matter?" He tauntingly asked, grinning like an asshat.

"Get out of my chair!" I finally shouted, throwing my DENIED stamp at him with my magic.

[Back to Mark]

I just felt a disturbance in the Star Trek quotes. Sighing, I continued on my run to the somewhat downed Blackhawk, really pissed off at the universe right now.

"If that thing blows, we're out of an air lift and transportation for the rest of us..." I muttered, not even caring about the military applications for the heli.

"It's over here!" Gallan shouted once he saw me, causing me to slow down in front of the cockpit.

"...I was half a fucking yard from that thing and I lived?! Jesus, my bad luck must've died down for a while." I sighed, lacing my fingers behind my head as I stared at an RPG embedded in the seat next to the one Smith was in. How it hasn't exploded, I couldn't really tell.

"What're we going to do with it?" Blake asked, looking around.

"Gimme your armor, I don't have time to haul my suit up to Canterlot by train. This thing will blow up soon, but I just don't know when." I replied, looking at him. He was about to protest, but could tell that I was dead serious.

With a sigh, he stripped down to his skivvies and a plain t-shirt, while I did the same. None of the others made a snicker, due to me being ripped by working my ass off on the farm recently, and he was ripped doing whatever the fuck he did while not helping/fucking Rarity. I quickly armored up in his suit, quite fucking glad we were literally the same build, and cracked my neck as I slid the mask on.

"Back the fuck up, this shit's dangerous without special training." I said as a HUD came online, amusing the fuck out of me.

'Seems the Brits were secretly making advanced armor. Either that or the Multi-verse theory is true. I'd go with the first guess, just because I'm like that.' I thought.

"You're saying you have said special training?" Blake asked as I cracked my fingers and prepared to rip the fucker out.

"Nope." I said and went in through the pilot's door, being very fucking careful.

"Better not fuck my suit up..." I heard Blake mutter, confirming my suspictions that there was amplified shit in here.

I calmly took in the situation as I stared around the cockpit, frowning behind the mask.

"Jesus Christ..." I breathed, and decided to say fuck it and yank it, hopefully without making it blow up. Grabbing the end, I quickly ripped it out and threw it away from the helicopter, everybody behind me diving to the ground as it passed over their heads by about a foot. With a grim smile, the large grenade exploded against the hedge wall.

I stripped myself of Blake's armor and slid on my armored cammies, before nodding to them.

"What do we have?" I asked Gallan, who handed over a clipboard with a list of shit on it.

'8 pairs of goggles
80 feet of black rope x4
4 M4A1
2 M16E4
1 LAW
1 SAW
10 M9
2 MP5
Roughly 1,000 rounds of ammunition, various caliburs
3 rockets for LAW
8 backpacks
1 laptop w/solar charger, half dead
5 paperback books; IT, The Zombie Survival Guide,The Book of Beer Pong, The Art of War, and How to Win on the Battlefield.
8 canteens
10 NVG
7 Dog tags; Pvt. Allan Blake, PFC Wade Suram, MSgt Blake Downing, Tech Sgt Perry Great, MSgt Royd Fullman, PFC Drake Gunnan, MSgt Duke Rollan.

"Sir! I found two dead bodies... And you really need to see one of them." Connor said, hesitating a little bit. I nodded and he led me towards a small crater, where what I saw made my blood turn to ice water and caused me to sink to my knees in shock.

In the crater, was my body.

Discord, Part 3

'He's not a changeling, just so you know.' Apple said to me as she walked up, before sitting down on her ass.

"I sorta figured... His... my blood isn't green." I replied, before going down into the crater and wondering how the fuck it appeared in the first place. I mean, they'd have to be way up high to make a two foot deep crater, and even then it wouldn't become circular. As I checked him for slight differences...

...he coughed, causing me to let out a shouted swear and land on my ass.

"Jesus H. Christ." He groaned. Before I could even begin telling Apple to try and make me look different, he opened his left eye (right looked swollen as fuck) and stared at me.

"Well... Just fucked up first contact with myself..." I muttered, causing him to chuckle.

"I'm guessing that the Multi-verse theory is true, then." He replied, straining to sit up. While I stared at him in shock, Apple helped him sit up by pushing her hooves at his back. He let out a small laugh when he saw her, confusing me more.

"What's so funny?" I asked, finally regaining my voice.

"Seems that my alternate has ended up in Equestria before I did." He replied.

"Wait, how the fuck do you know where we are?" I asked, already seeing red flags.

"Uh... I'm a Brony." He replied, raising an eyebrow.

"The fuck's a 'Brony'?" I asked, folding my arms.

"A person who likes the show My Little Pony." He replied.

"Never heard of it. What year is it for you?" I asked.

"It was 2012 when I left Earth." He replied, causing me to shake my head.

"Then I take it we never had a show called 'My Little Pony' in my version of Earth. When I first arrived, I didn't know diddy fuck about the place." I waved it off, blaming the Multi-verse.

"Hm..." He muttered, before looking at the body next to him.

"Know him?" I asked, following his eyes.

"Private First Class Leeroy Jenkins. Hell of a soldier, and a good friend. Met him in middle school." He answered. I laughed a little before looking at the other person that was with him. Wonder how none of us saw her until now.

"Know her?" I asked, hoping to God it wasn't a dude with a girlish as fuck figure.

"Can't say that I do." He replied, lifting her face up. I also noticed a trunk next to her, making me wonder exactly what the fuck was going on. I popped it open and saw a DSR-50, a katana in its sheath, and an M9. There was six magazines for the sniper, and four for the M9.

"We'll be able to figure out what faction she's with when she wakes up, but I do know that she's a sniper." I said, helping Mark to his feet. Dear Lord that's gonna get confusing, so I'll just label him down as 'Mark 2' in this until he changes his name or something.

"Well, what the hell's going on now? It'll be good to figure out what I'm dealing with." Mark 2 asked, looking around. "We're in Canterlot, so that narrows it down..."

"Discord broke free. About two years ago, we formed a peace treaty with Queen Chrysalis." I explained.

"So much for chronological order in episodes..." He muttered, but I didn't comment. As he looked around, I noticed something different about him; he had a tattoo of Luna's cutie mark on his neck.

I ignored it completely, before looking around.

"Well, let's get you and Sleeping Beauty here out of the crater." I said, before wrapping my arms around her chest, grunted, and hauled her out. B-Cup, not like you ponies would figure out what I meant, so I feel no shame in writing this. And I'm not a pervert, I just instantly knew because my wife was a B-Cup. Also, shut up.

"Ugh..." She groaned, trying her best to move.

"Easy, you're injured." I calmly said, looking around before waving Gallan over.

"Sir." He said, saluting.

"Go take her to Doc, he's in the infirmary by now." I said, handing her off to him. I knew he was a man of chivalry and commitment, so I didn't have to worry about leaving him alone with her. Connor on the other hand might end up with her, but she'd probably go after Dawn. I'm betting half of my Spa salary on this.

[Dawn's POV]

I swear to Earth's various gods, I think somebody just made a bet about me.

[Back to Mark]

"We're gonna have to give you a new name, just so we won't be confused if someone calls for the other." I suddenly said, while checking the LAW extensively for damage.

"Hell, I'll go by Anonymous if it's alright." Mark 2 replied, and thus his name became Anonymous.

"You guys have 4chan?" I asked, cracking it open carefully and removing the loaded rocket.

"Yea, I frequent the /mlp/ and /k/ boards." He replied. Never saw /mlp/, but I figured it had to do with 'My Little Pony'.

"/b/ and /k/, mostly." I said in return. He cringed at the first board, but nodded anyway.

"To each his own. Even if it's your multi-verse self." He said, shrugging. "Hey, I just had a thought. Could we go to the castle in the Everfree?"

"There's a castle in that God forsaken place? Even if there is, we have to stay until we're able to fix the Elements of Harmony." I was confused, but shrugged. "After this shit, I'll take you."

"Alright." He said, nodding.

"You seem to know what's going on, so enlighten me a little." I said, folding my arms and looking at Anon.

"We'll need to head back to Ponyville, find Rainbow Dash, and use the Elements to stop Discord." He explained.

"Never told you their names. How do you know them?" I asked, frowning.

"The show was centered around the Element Bearers; Applejack as Honesty, Dash as Loyalty, Fluttershy as Kindness, Pinkie as Laughter, Rarity as Generosity, and Twilight as Magic." He said.

"Alright... Just don't tell them that they're a cartoon, even if you bring in the Multi-verse theory. Just don't." I finally said, shaking my head.

"Believe me, I won't." He chuckled, following me to the gay bath house known as the castle.

[With Dawn and the Crew]

"...How the fuck is there two of Mark?"

"Is one of 'em a changeling?"

"I'm getting too old for this horse shit..."

"Sometimes I feel like I'm in a fanfiction where the author is trying to get me killed..." I muttered, earning a laugh from Anon.

"I'm not a changeling!" Anon shouted.

"Then how come you look exactly like 'im?" Connor shouted back.

"Parallel worlds, or more known as the Multi-verse." He replied. "Everything's the same on my Earth, save for one or two things." He then turned to me. "What rank were you in the Army?"

"Marines, and Corporal." I muttered back.

"Take me for instance. Instead of joining up with the Marines, I joined the Army. And Mark here was a Corporal when he died, whilest I was a 1st Lieutenant." Anon explained. "Also, I'm betting you guys haven't heard of a show called My Little Pony." He added after making sure there were no ponies present.

Surprisingly, Callum and Duran rose their hands.

"There was a cartoon in the 80s called My Little Pony. My daughter made me watch a few episodes with her." Callum said.

"Well, I guess we're from the same universe..." Anon muttered.

"Anyway, he's not a changeling. Mine confirmed so." I said, holding up Apple, who waved.

"How would they know?" Schmidt asked. Honestly, it was a good question. I think only Anon, Duffy, and I had any real interactions with more than two changelings, so we knew.

"Instead of smelling scents and the like, they use hormones to identify each other, breathed in through the nostrils. Even when disguised, a changeling gives off these hormones." I explained, pretty much using Apple as my source of information.

"We're going back to Ponyville, so get your shebs moving!" Dawn shouted as he tore past, confusing everybody but me.

"The fuck does shebs mean?" Gallan asked as he checked his equipment.

"It's from a Star Wars language. It means asses." I chuckled, settling my MP5 against my left side, Apple on my head, and energy sword on my right side.

Author's Note

Whelp.

Discord, Part 4

The ride back to Ponyville was discomforting. Mostly due to every single one of us staying away from the Elements (save for Twilight) and simultaneously ready to lay down our lives for them. Damn these ponies and their moods, they drive me to drink!

...Let it be known I was downing a little whiskey at the time of this mutter.

"Son of a bitch!" I suddenly swore, startling every human, changeling and Twilight.

'What is it?' Apple asked, flying up to my face with a concerned look.

"I just remembered I had a tattoo on my back. It's gone now, due to the scar tissue." I said, putting my face in my hands.

'What's a tattoo?' She asked, now looking more curious than concerned.

"It's kinda like what the ponies call a cutie mark, but vastly different. They don't appear randomly, they cost money to get them, they can be whatever you want them to be, and they hurt like fuck when you get one." I explained.

'Why do they hurt?' Apple asked. Twilight asked the same, a bloody notebook and quill already levitating in front of her.

"Because we don't have magnets like you ponies do. We need a needle that goes very fast to deposite a small amount of ink, which can vary in color, to get tattoos. The needle sinks into the skin and deposits a drop of ink, and repeats hundreds of times. Depending on how big and colorful a tattoo is, getting one can range from five minutes to hours." I explained. Twilight growled a little at the magnets comment, but looked more horrified at the thought of fucking up your body willingly.

'How long did your tattoo take to get?' Apple asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Roughly three hours, since I decided to go with two full quotes from the Bible." I replied.

"I thought you were Atheist?" Gallan asked, looking confused.

"I am. I just respected the messages enough to where I actually quite like them. It wasn't uncommon to see me read parts from the Bible, and go to church to listen to some sermons." I explained. Gallan shrugged and started talking, hesitantly mind you, to Schmidt.

Two thirds of the trip in, I remembered a question that I've been needing to know for a while, just to clarify some things. It came to me while I was fiddling with the filter on Connor's mask. He stayed behind to help Doc with his patients.

"How the hell did you all die? Those who already answered don't need to." I asked, leaning back a little as Apple slept in my lap. I was mainly asking the WWII soldiers and Anonymous, as they were the only new people in here that I didn't get an answer to that question.

"What do you mean?" Schmidt asked.

"Take Blake for example; he drowned in the ocean because his armor was too heavy. I was obliterated by an explosion. Doc took MG42 fire to the everything besides the head and heart." I explained.

"Soviet sniper got me, in Stalingrad. Left a hole the size of a fist in my left lung. Bled to death in the snow. The ironic thing was that it was a nice day for once; just enough snow and warm enough to not freeze." Schmidt with the news.

"How long were you at Stalingrad?" I asked.

"A few weeks. Had about a third of the city under Nazi control." Schmidt replied. "Do you know what happened in the end?"

"Yea. Stalingrad never completely fell, and the Germans were pushed back to the Fatherland. After the war was over, Germany was split into halves, East and West Germany." I answered.

"Well, I didn't quite die at the same time Doc did. I managed to get past the landing on Normandy." Over to Gallan with the traffic. "Made it into France before I kicked the bucket; one of 'em SS fellers got me. MP40 rounds through the head, so I didn't feel a thing."

And here's Anonymous with the weather. "Nothing special since I was in Afghanistan, really." He shrugged. "Fucking asshats IED'd my convoy while we were driving, I got caught in the blast."

"Fair enough. Technically, I died by IED too, but it was helped by a few pounds of C-4." I said, closing my eyes to rest a bit.

"...I miss my Xbox." Anon said right before I dozed off.

"HERESY!" I suddenly shouted at him. "Kneel before the PC master race!" I could hear Blake and Duffy facepalming from where I was, all the way from the other side of the train car.

"Dear God, they're replicating the Internet manually." Blake groaned.

"Internet?" Schmidt asked, beating Twilight to the punch.

"It's a collective of all human shit in one 'place'. All of our knowledge, games, and pretty much anything else can be found, if one looks deep enough. The PC is the primary way to get on it, although several video game consoles have 'upped' themselves to provide internet services. The Xbox, and another game system called Play Station are pretty much at war, figuratively speaking, when I died, while the PC sat on the sidelines giggling like an idiot."

"Why?" Gallan asked, also beating Twilight.

"You can download anything on a PC, pretty much. Including an Xbox, if you have the right setup." I replied, grinning. "It pretty much rendered the console war moot when they were compared."

I was starting to think that we'd be able to get to Ponyville without trouble when the train screeched to a stop, and it turns out the rest of the rails were turned into ice.

'Fuck off, Q. We're doing something productive here.' I silently thought, before getting up and escorting the mares around us out. Halfway out of the train car, I pretty much started regretting borrowing Connor's mask, too. A fucking spider fell down as I looked up and latched over the right eye glass thing, causing me to swear and hit the ground in shock.

"Jesus Christ!" I yelped in a very manly way. Totally wasn't like a little girl, no sir!

"Need some help?" Blake asked, offering me his hand. I took it and stood up, before promptly falling on my ass again, but slid forward a few yards.

"Fucking Discord! Stop turning the roads into soap!" I yelled, trying to regain my balance.

"Ah don't see any problem with the road." AJ lied as she carefully trotted past me, earning a glare to the back of her stetson.

"Can't believe I'm saying this, but bloody bitch..." I muttered, finally getting to my feet only to be tripped by Fluttershy, landing facefirst. The one good thing that happened was the spider becoming airborne, and landing on Schmidt. And out of nowhere came a herd of long-ass-legged rabbits, trampling over Twilight in a completely hilarious fashion. (She happened to be on solid ground, fucking lucky.)

"Good boy Angel! Momma's so proud!" Flutterbitch praised as I grumbled onto my feet, with the aid of Gallan.

"I'm gonna have to wash all this soap out before I can wash the soap out..." I groaned, nodding in thanks.

And then the moon came up, even though it was 2 PM.

"Jesus Christ..." I muttered. While we couldn't see anything, AJ scored a strike with the ponies (along with Blake and Duffy), before coming to a stop next to Twilight.

"Ah meant to do that." She muttered, right as we got blinded by the sudden appearance of the sun.

'Discord just confirmed that Sunbutt doesn't move the sun. The moon is completely different.' I thought, blinking away the blindness to discover the rest of the road had become soap, and a certain dipshit went skating past.

"Open fire on Discord!" I yelled, drawing my MP5 and letting loose, being certain to not hit the ponies (or animals, Fluttershy would kill me later). Whoever had quick access to their guns did the same, forcing Discord to teleport away.

"What was that for?!" Twilight yelled, wobbling on the soap road.

"To let him know we're out for his blood." I growled, skating past her. We made it to the library (Thankfully the dirt came back after we hit the town. Literally, in Duffy's case.) without too much trouble. Except Rarity wouldn't leave her fucking boulder, leaving me to wonder how the hell she got it here in the first place.

Rarity starting blathering on about Spike going to take 'Tom' when she went inside.

"Well... Spike is Twilight's minion..." I muttered, before tapping her side with my M60, getting her to glare up at me.

"What is it?" She grumbled, keeping herself between me and the boulder.

"Just bloody levitate the damn thing, if you want it so badly. You have fucking magic, so use it!" I said, before nudging Twilight inside. Seconds later, the door became obsolete as Rarity disintegrated it with her boulder.

"Twilight, what's going on?! Why's everypony look so... grey?" A soaked Spike asked, moving his claws at the group of four mares that were grey as fuck now.

"It's happening faster and faster." I muttered, rubbing my lens clean of soap and everything else.

Discord Finale

"Alright, this shit ends now." I said, shooting the graying Element of Harmony bearers, aside from Dash, with a shotgun. The effect was instantaneous; all four of them dropped, clutching various body parts in pain as rubber pellets gently bounced off. They were playing keep away with Twilight, the item they were throwing was the book about the Elements of Harmony.

Fat load of fucks it's doing right now.

"Start reading the damn thing before they get back up!" I barked at Twilight, crouching next to her at the same time as Spike, who wielded a rolled up scroll. The others trained their weapons on the grey ponies to keep them immobile, but I knew that none of them would deliberately shoot them, even if I ordered them to. Knock them the fuck out, yes, but not kill.

"Mark, can you hear me?" Dawn's voice cracked out over the radio Schmidt still wore for some reason.

"Loud and clear." I replied as Twilight found the fucking jewelry exactly where I knew it would be.

"Took a look at the Black Hawk and fixed it. Smith's fully healed, and..." He was cut off by some muttering in Russian, to which he replied in kind. "Anyway, the woman's name is Jane Shepard. She's...er... Infatuated with me, and even though I'm not human, I kinda feel the same." He got really hesitant at the end.

"Good for you, but we just found the Elements. Does she know how to fly a helicopter?" I asked, watching as Twilight forced everything onto their respective bearers.

"That's a negative. Really good at sniping and using that katana of her's, though." He replied, causing me to sigh and hang up.

"C'mon everypony, let's go!" Twilight growled, stalking out the door with Spike following. Soon enough, he got plastered with Dash's necklace. Duffy stopped and looked him dead in the eye, causing him to sweat a little.

"We're through, Rainbow Dash." He said with a completely straight face, before about-facing and grinning at me.

'Mien Gott, I've almost never seen him grin before.' I thought with a chuckle, shaking my head. I wasn't paying attention to anything, which probably justifies getting 'Tom' on my foot, which, by the way, hurts like all fucking hell.

"Son of a bitch!" I growled, doing my best to drag my crushed foot out from underneath the boulder. Twilight looked horrified, due to tossing it out of one of the windows. Gallan held onto my leg while the others started pushing it, and no thanks to the fucked up Elements watching behind us. As I was freed, a flash of light appeared and for once in my life, somebody didn't slam into me. Instead, Schmidt was tackled to the ground and I fucking saw a combat knife appear out of nowhere.

"STOP!" I shouted, aiming my M1911 (sidearm edition) at him, as the safeties of several weapons were flicked off at the same time. The first actual thought that ran through my head pretty much summed up what I noticed about the new guy.

'Not another fucking sniper... Nice fiddy, though.' I thought, before groaning at the pain of my crushed foot. For some reason, he withdrew off of Schmidt and supported my weight, surprising all of us.

"I'm going to go get him to a hospital... Finish whatever you all were doing before this." He said, while I nodded in confirmation, causing them to back off as I limped my raggedy ass out of there supported by this sniper.

"So, what's your name, rank, and military branch?" I asked as I half led him towards the hospital, hoping to Dawn (closest thing that I'll hope to that's a god) that Discord hasn't fucked with it yet.

"First Lieutenant Bill Murray of the US Navy SEALs." He replied, and I instantly held high fucking respect for him. SEALs training is tough shit. Really tough shit. Like, multiple brick-shitting tough.

"General Mark Durnkinscoff of the USMC and more recently the EM. Used to be an EOD specialist before popping here." I replied.

"What's the situation, sir?" Bill asked, looking around as several ponies looked out of their windows in fear, but it wasn't directed at us.

"Select humans who died have appeared here for reasons unknown. I just happened to be the first, and one of the rulers hates us, one is smitten with a paratrooper, and a third recently hooked up with what I think was either Spetznas, or Canadian Special Forces." I said. "You're... fuck, I think the tenth or so? Alive, anyway. Had a few Rangers appear in a humvee, and only two arrived without bullet holes covering their bodies."

"What do you mean by that?" He questioned, and I figured out why he kept asking me these questions; to keep my mind from drifting to the pain in my mangled ass foot.

"The person, or rather pony, who brought them here couldn't figure out why, but guessed that there were some bullets going into them just when they disappeared, so when they came here, the bullets finished their travel and stopped in their torsos." I explained. "Our medic, who's in the capital treating a Blackhawk pilot, arrived with bullets fired out of an MG42, and bleeding out."

"An MG42 is a WWII machine gun, isn't it?" Bill asked.

"Yep. We're spanning across several generations of soldiers. Oldest one out of all of us is Gallan, Schmidt, Thompson, or Williams. They came in from WWII. From what I can guess, Thompson or Schmidt take the cake of being the first technical casualty out of all of us."

"When did they die?" He asked as we arrived at the (thankfully) intact hospital, pushing open the doors.

"Schmidt was at Stalingrad for a few months, while Thompson died during D-Day." I replied, waving Nurse Redheart over. Between her and Bill, I had no problems getting to a room to get my foot unfucked.

[Duran's POV]

"Alright, since nobody else stood up for it, I'll assume command until Mark gets back." I declared, cocking my M16.

"And what makes you so sure I'd allow that, Master Sargeant?" Blake asked, raising an eyebrow.

"If you want to take the reins on this, fine by me." I replied, looking around.

"Just wondering." Blake said. "You're not with an Element, so it'll be easier for you to effectively lead us. I'm allowing this until I deem it necessary to take control."

"Yes, SIR!" I said with a salute, followed by his British one. Always got on my nerves, but I kept my retort down and looked around at the rest of us.

"Alright, fan out and find Discord so we can fuck him up with the Elements." I said to everyone. They all spread out except for Duffy, who tapped my shoulder from behind me.

"We need Dash for them to work." He said, probably scanning the skies. I know I was.

"I know. Let Twi think this'll work until it backfires in her face, unless we can find Dash first. Be good if we had air support, but the only thing remotely helpful is in Canterlot at the moment." I sighed.

"This is Viper 1, heard you boys needed some help." A voice that I barely recognized came over Schmidt's radio, causing me to scramble to reply.

"Williams? Is that you?!" I asked.

"The one and only. Duran, right? Where's Mark?" Williams replied.

"Right behind him." Mark said, carefully taking the radio from me. "How the fuck are you able to fly that thing?"

"Dawn went risky and decided to copy everything about this bird from Smith's mind and put it in mine, seeing as how we all knew that Dash betrayed her Element." Williams replied as Mark handed me his shotgun, still using rubber pellets.

"Alright. Get Duran and Callum in the sky and see if you can't find Dash and bring her in. Duran's gonna have to shoot her to bring her down, so be sure you can get her." Mark advised.

"That won't be a problem, sir!" Williams shouted from behind us, scaring the crap out of us. We turned around to see him smirking from a completely silent helicopter.

"Jesus Christ..." I muttered as I waved Callum on board, sitting on the edge myself.

"You have one shot, so make it count." Mark said before we lifted off.

"How the hell did'ja get this thing silent?" Callum asked as we scanned the clouds for a rainbow maned pegasus.

"Dawn did, actually." Williams replied. "Made the rotors and engine silent and fuel independent. Never has to refuel and is completely good for the environment."

"Is that her?" I asked, pointing at a cyan pegasus napping on a cloud.

"Yea. Go in slowly and if we do this right, we won't have to shoot her." Callum whispered, and Williams edged the Blackhawk as close to Dash as he could. Naturally, that ended up with her small ass cloud in between us, and we had about a hundred feet of rappelling rope to tie her up with.

[Mark's POV]

"Now we have to wait for Rainbow Dash..." Twilight muttered as she preformed a memory magnets trick on Fluttershy, who instantly made sure my foot was a hundred and ten percent better once her coat returned to its normal color.

"Oh, I'm so sorry for what I did to you!" She cried out, whimpering. "Please don't hate me..."

I simply smiled and ran my hand through her hair while looking at Applejack. She looked back and smiled, before noticing my pocket changeling (not really surprised Apple could do this) and scowled, looking away.

"You guys need to talk to Applejack about her hatred towards changelings, but do it later." I muttered to Fluttershy, who meekly nodded.

"Where are they?" Pinks asked, hopping around. As if on cue (with Pinkie Pie, it's a very real possibility), the Black Hawk arrived and landed with dust swirling around, blinding everyone except me.

"Help me with her, dammit! She's struggling too much!" Duran shouted, causing me to run forward.

"Fucking shoot her then!" I yelled back.

"Sorry, Duffy." Callum called out before the blast of a shotgun sounded, followed by a yelp of pain.

"Fucker! You completely missed!" Duran yelled at Callum as I dragged Rainbow's grey ass out of there and dropped her in front of Twilight. She flopped like a fish while yelling at all of us to let her go.

"Nice hog tying skills, you two." I commented as Twilight did her thing, before bending down and releasing her with a careful slash of my energy sword.

"Now, to find Discord and stop him once and for all!" Twilight yelled after a brief group hug. We nodded, and looked around.

"...So, where is he?" Fluttershy finally asked. An explosion that sounded oddly similar to a hand grenade sounded, and Anon sighed.

"Follow the exploding chocolate milk." He said. "He's on his throne. C'mon, I know where it is." He walked off, and we followed because we had no other ideas.

We found Discord sipping the glass off of a glass of chocolate milk, before letting out a content sigh and tossing what looked like frozen chocolate milk behind him. Knew what that explosion was, now.

"Oh, you managed to get the Elements back!" Discord said, and a twin bullet report followed by a little of his arm rest and half of the back of his throne flying away told all of us that Duffy and Murray had just fired warning shots. We all proceeded to train our guns on him, ready to turn his ass into grass should he try anything.

"Get the fucker before his ass becomes grass, Twilight." I called out, keeping out of the way of their Rainbow of Awesome. As soon as they got into position, they all glowed and the tidal wave of shitstorm sped towards Discord.

"One last trick!" He cackled as he started turning to stone before snapping his fingers, causing somebody to bowl over Callum and Duran. There was a few yelps of pain as somebody in fucking plate armor skidded to a stop. There was a sword, mace, crossbow, and a shield lying around him, and his helmet was still on, surprisingly.

"Discord's final act..." I muttered, checking the pulse on the knight to make sure he's still alive.

"...was bringing an actual knight to Equestria." With that, I walked off to move my shit into Fluttershy's house because of AJ.

[Three Days Later]

Fucking. Celestia.

Not only did she originally intend to leave us out of her fucking stain glass window thing, she also (unintentionally) got on my nerves about the ceremony that was held. We were all standing around in our dress uniforms (armor for the knight, Shelton Talbot, and regular fancy ass suit for Sergio) when the music started playing, indicating that the Element Bearers enter.

The bloody thing was held exactly like the ceremony at the end of A New Hope. A Star Wars ceremony for a fucking Star Trek villian. Nerds, eat your hearts out.

Also, gotta give Dawn and Luna some credit for being smug bastards. When the curtains were drawn away, they managed to sneak all of the participating humans into it. The ones who were fucking/with/living with were pared off with each respective Element, and Schmidt was put next to Twilight.

Also gotta give the Nazi some serious props; right in front of not only her mentor, but the entire fucking press, he knelt down and kissed the fuck out of Twilight. What really made it worth keeping in my laughter was that she kissed right back without hesitation. God, the look on Sunbutt's face was worth staying up all last night filling out stacks of paperwork.

While I finish writing this, I'm about to rethreaten a certain white rodent, er, rabbit with Doc's scalpel collection.

Author's Note

Whelp, that just happened.

We Got Another Bird Down

I woke about two days after temporarily moving into Fluttershy's cottage to something big crashing into the forest about thirty yards away from the farm. Doc was the second one that woke up, yelling something about AA guns. Apple got downstairs when I was almost out the door. Connor decided to stay here until Fluttershy left, and I agreed to it.

'Can I come?' She asked. I grabbed my backpack, pulled out a flashbang (built by Sergio, thanks to my teachings) and a frag grenade, and put them onto my vest.

"It'll be appreciated. I know Doc's going to be there, probably after making sure Fluttershy's heart didn't explode. From how loud that bastard was, everyone in Ponyville, and quite possibly in Canterlot, woke up." I said, cocking my assault rifle (StG-44, a German WWII weapon) and running outside with Apple in tow.

We were one of the first ones on the scene, and what I saw made me stop cold.

"It's a fucking C-5 Galaxy..." I muttered, running my hands through my recently shaved hair, before inspecting the hull for damages.

"Son of a bitch. That thing nearly wiped out Celestia's tower on the way down..." Dawn said, trotting over to me after teleporting.

"How close did it get?" I asked, going around to the far side, where a certain Sunbutt and Moonbutt were. I waved to Williams, who waved back. I told him to go help the guards secure the perimeter, and he did so.

"From what two guards who were returning to their posts reported, it missed by a yard at most. The entire castle shook, though." Dawn replied.

"Did it hit anything else?" I asked, and noticed someone fall out of a door that was about four feet above the ground.

"The courthouse in town is missing a spire, and some of the ponies are being treated with minor lacerations and concussions from the falling debris." Dawn replied, confusing me a little.

"We have a courthouse? How in the fuck haven't I noticed?" I asked, pointing Doc at the fallen pilot/passenger. He nodded and ran over, while Sunbutt started arguing with Luna.

"NO!" She shouted. "I've had it up to my horn with this whole mess!"

"But 'Tia…" Luna tried to argue, but was cut off.

"Luna, you are my sister and I love you dearly," Celetia's voice softened for just a moment before regaining its edge. "But you and Dawn have gone too far this time, a human here or there, I can tolerate…" Tolerate my ass, she hates our guts. The guy gradually rolled over in time to see us making our way towards him. He most likely only saw blurs at the moment, though. "But this …thing… it nearly crashed into Canterlot and almost flattened Ponyville! Well no more!"

"You going to listen to her if she says to stop bringing humans?" I asked, looking at the Alicorn stallion.

"Not a chance in hell. She can't order me around, since I'm the only hope of keeping the Alicorn race alive." He replied. Looking back at Sunbutt, I noticed that she was glaring at what appeared to be a Master Sergeant from where I was, while Doc was examining his head.

"And you, were you the one flying this thing?" she demanded, ignoring the blood that dripped down his face. Doc sighed to himself and looked through his bag for some shit. The guy indicated that she move closer to hear something, until her face was next to his. Whatever he said made her stand up straight, stiff as a board. I also heard a whip crack somewhere, making me look around in confusion.

"Well?" I asked of Doc, once he looked up from his shit.

"The cut over his eye is nothing serious," Doc gave a relieved sigh. "As for the large knot on his forehead, it's probably given him a mild concussion… a couple days of bed rest and he should be fine." He then moved next up and got close to me.

"I may not be the best medic out there, but I'm pretty sure he's also suffering from near suffocation. I can't tell without proper medical equipment, and the hospital in town doesn't have what I need." He muttered.

"Can he be moved?" Celestia suddenly asked, surprising us.

"Sure." Doc nodded as he glanced at her.

Without another word, Celestia and the prone man disappeared in a flash of light, leaving behind a lot of confused beings, including her personal guard, who just finished securing the crash site. And there were a bunch of onlookers, causing me to grin and shake my head.

'Just like if a spaceship crashed somewhere fairly populated...' I thought, before looking inside the Galaxy with Schmidt and Doc.

"...That's a lot of stuff..." Doc muttered, as I looked for a cargo manifest to see exactly what kind of stuff we had.

"Here we go..." I muttered, looking down at a clipboard once I found it. I found a pencil and scribbled down some comments, and snorted when I read one of the things on the list.

'01: M998 Cargo/Troop HMMWV (Humvee). (Have to draw straws to see who drives this.)
01: 16 RG-33L 6x6 Heavy Armored Ground Ambulance. MRAP. (Hands down, this is Doc's new ride.)
01: 4x4 Cougar JERRV (Joint EOD rapid response vehicle) MRAP. (Mine, motherfuckers.)
16: Pallets assorted MRE. 8 fore, 8 aft (Roughly 32 tons of government issued fake food.)
2 pallets reserved for General Rilian's birthday surprise. (Sorry General, but you ain't getting shit for your birthday.)
01: inflatable outdoor movie screen and speakers.
01: pallet, assorted dvds.
01: pallet, cigarettes (There is a God. He hath given us a small mercy.)

Pallet space used
6x6=6
4x4=4
Hum=4
MREs=16
Misc=3'

I did a double take on the last three before laughing.

"What is it?" Duffy asked, popping his head in with Dash, both of whom whistled when they saw what was in there.

"Crack open the box that says DVDs. We have a way to watch them, too." I said, a little giddy at the prospect of being able to watch shit again. Duffy probably thought something alongside me, as he ripped it open with gusto.

"What're DVDs?" Doc asked, looking over the MRAP that was somehow still secured in place.

"Movies that last about a hundred years if you keep them from scratching up. What do we have in there, Brandon?" I asked.

"About a third of it is porn..." He muttered, throwing a random case at me. A quick glance confirmed it to be porn, and I slipped it in a cargo pocket for private viewing. Something about asses was in the title.

"Sort the DVDs into three piles. I want one to be porn, one for R, and the third into everything else." I said.

"What's porn?" Dash asked, sticking her face in next to Duffy. Half a second later, she withdrew, blushing hard and struggling to keep her wings down.

"What type of bird is this?" Gallan asked, stepping inside with a nervous Fluttershy. This comment got her attention instantly, causing her to look around in wonder.

"This is a bird?" Dash asked, probably talking to keep her mind off of porn.

"It's what the US military calls for anything we build that can fly. It's actually a Lockheed C-5B Galaxy. Built after your time, Gallan. I also have a job for you." I said, looking at the clipboard again.

"Yes?" He asked, looking through the DVDs with Duffy before looking back up.

"See if you can salvage any MREs. You do that, and we can have a little... variety in our diet again." I said, switching out the word meat for something to not spook Fluttershy just yet. Gallan seemed to get at what I meant, as he nodded and rushed off to find the correct boxes.

About two hours later, we found out that we had a working plane (with the right repairs, mainly PFM), a working DVD player/TV, and about a year of preserved meat. Add about two tons of cancer sticks, and we were a very happy lot.

"What are we gonna do with the vegetarian MREs? I know I'm not gonna eat them." Gallan asked as pretty much every human sat around the inside of the C-5B, eating at various MREs that had meat with extreme gusto.

"Hell, you can sell them at Sugarcube Corner. Give the ponies some fake food." I suggested, causing him to nod. At the same time of us eating, Apple was gently draining me of the feelings I had for my MRE. I was also sucking away on a stick of cancer, and gave so many negative fucks that I was drawing in the others' fucks as well.

Big Mac came in and ate one of the veggie bullshits for us, and actually liked the damn things.

"There we go! Big Mac confirmed that the veggie crap is delicious to ponies." I said, getting a few laughs. Mac didn't even know what the fuck was going on, really, but got me to talk to him outside after our dinner. He pretty much asked me about 'mares' and how to get one.

"Complement them and treat 'em like gold." I said, before facepalming. Gold was fucking used as armor here. "Scratch the gold thing. Treat 'em like your most prized possession." Turns out that it was a Smarty Pants doll, but I didn't know that until a certain someone dropped in, quite literally, a while into the future.

[One week later]

"So, what's our mystery person up to? Did Sunbutt execute him for almost clipping her while she was asleep?" I asked Dawn as he and Twilight moved the Galaxy out of the forest. Shit, Twilight was actually doing most of the work.

"From what he told me later, his name is Junior Flight Mechanic, Master Sergeant Max Rex with the call sign 'T-Rex'. The C-5, dubbed 'Hannah', appeared here while in mid flight. She originally had four others on board before the time of arrival, but they disappeared for some odd reason. The missing crew is Flight Captain: Lieutenant Ronald Jennings, 'Cap'n Ron', Flight Lieutenant and co-pilot: Judy Higgins, 'Dorothy', Payload Master: Chief Master Sergeant Kale Summers, 'Q-Ball', Junior Payload Master #1: Senior Master Sergeant Jesse Goldstein, 'Rabbit', and Flight Mechanic: Chief Master Sergeant Hugo Duncan, 'Torque'." Dawn explained, handing me a few sheets of paper to look over.

"Think we should send out a few rescue parties in a forty mile radius around the area where he appeared?" I asked once I finished reading, displaying a huge ass frown on my face.

"The plane appeared too far up to survive the fall, unless they had parachutes strapped on at the time of appearing." Dawn said with a shake of his head, frowning.

"That bad?" I asked, and he nodded slowly. "Alright... Did he say where they took off from?"

"Hickam Air Force Base. They were due in Saudi Arabia with 'special' cargo in a few days. Eight day trip from the first base to Saudi Arabia." Dawn replied, causing me to grimace.

"Went to Honolulu and they didn't even have time to visit the beaches..." I muttered. After a moment, we heard a loud thump and turned to see Twilight panting next to a perfectly placed C-5B Galaxy.

"It's... Done..." Twilight panted, before sitting back on her ass and accepted the canteen I threw to her.

"I have something else to tell you." Dawn said, grabbing my attention again.

"Go ahead." I replied, crossing my arms.

"From what I've been able to gather, Celestia let Max rest for a few days before going to see him in his room after I got this information from him. While in the middle of some kind of hour long rant wherein she got a lot of built up anger and emotional baggage off her chest… He somehow removed all her royal garments and managed to get her into the shower in the private bathroom attached to his room, all before she knew what was happening. After giving her a complete and total wash-down, he dried her off and brushed out her mane and tail… before she jumped him." He said, surprising me with the last few sentences.

"Wait, Sunbutt and Rex?" I asked, hoping that he would clarify.

"Yeah, seems that Max grew up on a horse farm in Kentucky and really knows how to treat a not-so-namby-pamby pony princess… and it seems you're not the only one to call her Sunbutt. It's become his pet name for her." He confirmed.

"Well I'll be…" I muttered, rubbing my chin and made a mental note to get my ass to Fluttershy's and unfuck my face before a salty Major General pops out of a bush and tells me to do it. Given how Dawn enjoys annoying the fuck out of me, it's entirely possible.

"Anyhow, he sent you a massage; you can keep the plane and, I quote, 'I quit.' He is willing to be a mechanic for you if you need one, but he wants to stay in Canterlot with Celestia."

"Hey, if it keeps her happy and out of my hair, he can stay there, and as for the C-5… I guess I should thank you, we really needed the extra supplies. And the plane was a bonus, since it can still run once we fixed it."

'I'll see if I can get Smith or Rex to teach Sergio on how to properly fly this bastard. Lord knows the kid could do something other than making flashbangs in his spare time. One goes off and he loses his face.' I thought, before giving Dawn my attention back.

"And that brings up the other reason I'm here," Dusk flinched slightly. "Mark, I do not have the power to transport something the size of a C-5 Galaxy to , the Humvee nearly made me pass out when it appeared. I was somewhat sick at the time, but that's beside the point. And we can rule out Luna bringing it because it appeared before the clocks struck midnight."

"So who could have?" I asked.

"There are only two ponies who have the ability to drag something of that size here at the given time. Twilight Sparkle after fucking up majorly, and Celestia." He said. "From how Twi is after dragging that thing for a few minutes, I'm probably guessing that she didn't." He added, looking at the unicorn, who was lying down and just finished trying to drown herself with my water.

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"What I'm saying is that Celestia has been slightly jealous that her sister has found happiness in the arms of a human and has been wanting someone of her own… I think that while she slept that night, her subconscious decided to act."

"Well, I'm accepting his resignation for the most part, but you know that the Gryphons will be trying something, and I need every man available to help me fight. I'll be putting him as maintenance crew, but let him know." I said.

"First chance I get when I'm back in Canterlot." He replied, and caused me to have a slight thought.

"Jealousy will lead someone on the path to the Dark Side. Remember that." I warned, before returning to the ship via back cargo door to recheck the circuits and shit.

"That's how Luna got her ass banished!" Dawn yelled at me.

Author's Note

I now have a tumblr for Mark and the rest of them!

Nightmare Moon's Return

"He's alive!" Doc shouted as I painfully regained consciousness. The left side of my face was melted off, making me look like that dude from The Dark Night. At least, I thought I did.

"Sweet Jesus... I feel like worse than shit..." I groaned, trying not to move my head.

"You're missing half your face, but that's about it." Doc said, helping me sit up. "Dawn's able to heal you, although he says it's gonna be a while for the scarring to fade away."

"Fire 'er up then, Dawn." I groaned, and was hit in the face by a laser. I could feel my face growing back, and relished in it. I watched Nightmare Moon while I was getting fixed the fuck up, and I saw that she was regretful of what she did to me. Bill was also looking at the ground.

"Done." Dawn said a moment later, and Bill hauled me to my feet.

"The fuck did you shoot at her for?" I questioned, narrowing my eyes.

"I... don't know. It was like I was controlled by somebody else until I got shoved." He admitted, rubbing his arms.

"Discord, most likely." Dawn said, confusing me.

"Didn't we make his ass become stone again?" I asked, narrowing my one eyebrow.

"Yes, but chaos is unable to be contained entirely. It's always there, subtly directing certain actions." He explained.

"Fair enough..." I muttered, before turning to Nightmare Moon. "I don't blame you for defending yourself, then." I swear, she was surprised as fuck to hear that.

"You mean that?" She asked, raising an eyebrow in disbelief.

"A hundred percent. Discord's the one to blame, not you or Bill." I said, getting to my feet. I was barely able to stay standing as I was forced to hug her.

"Would thou want to be a friend, perhaps?" She asked, and I knew it was a little hard for her to speak like a commoner. Luna still hasn't nailed it, and Williams informs me of this.

"Why not? Already friends with Luna. Be able to see what the darker side is like." I finally said, patting her on the back. I got a small glare, but I smiled to show that I didn't really mean it. "If you turned a new leaf, who am I to deny you to happiness?"

"Does thou mean this?" She carefully asked. I understood where she was coming from; a being that was feared by all can't make many friends.

"Yes, I mean it." I said with a small smile. In return, I was almost squeezed to death.

"And who is this? Your brother?" She asked, and I figured that she was looking at Anon.

"Not exactly." I replied, pushing down some memories of the fat ass (honestly, I am quite large, both in weight and size) and worming my way out without offending the alicorn.

"What does thou mean?" NM asked in confusion.

"He's me, but not me. It's complicated and all that jazz. Not like you and Luna, but close enough." I explained. She didn't get it, but let it slide.

"Don't worry, I don't get it too much, either." Dawn said, subtly nuzzling her. Since I knew that it wasn't anything romantic (Twi and the gang do it a lot, too), I ignored it.

"So, why exactly is a human in this world? We thought they were long since extinct." NM asked, causing me to narrow my eyes at Dawn. He sighed, and nodded a little.

"They are, sister. The humans currently living in Equestria are either from the past or alternate realities, like Anon." He said, before nodding at me. Half a second later, he was missing a few teeth and I was shaking my hand, trying to get feeling back in it. NM was looking at me with a cross between astonishment and anger.

"Shit, remind me to never punch a horse in the face again." I said to the others, flexing my hand as best as I could.

"I deserved that, I guess..." Dawn said as he spit out some blood, and also calming NM down.

"There has been more reforms than we thought..." She muttered, before looking skyward as the moon started setting.

"It helps that he deserved it for not fucking telling me that this was where I grew up!" I half yelled at Dawn. "I mean, our species lived, very possibly, on this same continent for one hundred fucking thousand plus years!"

"It's not like I would keep this information from you if I knew!" Dawn shouted, and I finally snapped.

"Right! Like how you, even though Celestia hates humans, brought my ass here and started a huge clusterfuck! And for what?! A FUCKING WEDDING!" I shouted, rivaling the RCV at the moment.

"I GAVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE!" Dawn shouted back.

"AT THE FUCKING COST OF LOSING WHAT WAS LEFT OF MY OLD FAMILY! HELL, I BET YOU WERE THE REASON I DIED!" Oh, he didn't just cross a line at that. He ran it over with a fucking M1 Abrams. "MY BROTHER IS BACK IN TIME BY ASS MANY YEARS THINKING THAT HIS ONLY BLOOD RELATIVE IS DEAD, WHILE I'M LIVING WITH THIS ON MY CONSCIOUS EVERYDAY! WITH SERGIO LIVING IN TOWN, I'M FORCED TO REMEMBER THIS! BOTH OF THEM ARE THE SAME FUCKING AGE! THEY EVEN LOOK GODDAMN SIMILAR!"

"THEN DO YOU WANT ME TO GO BACK IN TIME, KILL HIM, AND BRING HIM HERE?!" He did not just ask that. Not even dignifying that with a response, I ripped Bill's pistol out of it's holster, and before anyone could react, I sent a bullet through Dawn's throat. As he clutched his bleeding throat, I kicked him to the ground and stomped down, glaring with the fury of my soul.

"You just made my shit list, Dawn." I growled, pressing down with my boot. "With that one sentence, I've gone from forgiving you to not even hindering that thought. My superior officer or not, I will find a fucking way to kill you if you EVER mention killing Stephan." He didn't respond. "DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"

"...Yes..." He wheezed. I lifted my boot, curb-stomped on his face, and stalked out of the room.

[With Thompson]

I knew I should've gone after Mark, but I had more urgent matters to attend to, most importantly intelligence.

"How do you know about us?" I asked Nightmare Moon as Dawn rose to his feet, face and throat mended. He probably had a bullet in his throat, but I didn't care at the moment. I know I would've done the same, had he threatened my little sister. She seemed to collect her thoughts for a moment, before sighing.

"I managed to bring in several as mercenaries, but the weapons they used were similar to our own. The clothing they wore were different, too." She explained.

"Your mercs were knights. Probably rocking plate armor, or earlier, depending on what time period they came from." I explained.

"Romans." Dawn clarified, and we all glared at him.

"You have no excuse for what you told Mark, Timeithian." Anon growled. "Had it been me, you would be pushing a group of 5.56mm bullets out of your skull, not a 9mm out of your throat."

"I snapped..." He sighed. "Doesn't make what I said right, but I have a job more taxing than any of you. Even Celestia doesn't know what I have to go through each day."

"We don't know what he doth to the fullest extent, and he talks to us and Luna the most." Nightmare Moon added, looking down.

"The Princesses are lucky; they can have children without worrying about death, while I would die less than a month after my firstborn." Dawn said, settling down on the ground.

"Alicorns last about 20,000 years, unless they're mortally wounded or poisoned." Nightmare Moon gave us that little tidbit of information.

"Unless they're male." Dawn suddenly said. "There's only one true Prince, and that's me. It's a curse put on all Alicorns, before Discord was born, so nobody can blame him."

"That seems harsh..." Anon muttered. "What about Blueblood?" Dawn seemed insulted by that.

"That imbecile? Not even worthy of being called prince." He scoffed, then narrowed his eyes a little. "If it weren't for Celestia, that bigot would be a 'mere commoner' like the rest of them. Royal twats, save a few."

"Sister has done more blunders than 'her little ponies' realize." Nightmare Moon added.

"Thought that I was a threat, for instance." Mark said, causing all of us to look at him. "I ain't forgiving you for that comment, but I'm also gonna be neutral against you again, Dawn." He said, shrugging.

"Fair enough." Dawn replied with a shrug. Mark came over, and at that moment I realized exactly how depressed he looked. Given that he was like the filly Scootaloo, I didn't say anything about it, lest I piss him off.

"So, what's the plan?" I asked instead.

"What does thou mean?" Nightmare asked in confusion.

"We can't keep you hidden forever." Mark said. "Luna's able to peek into my dreams, and I don't dream normally; my dreams are memories. Even if it takes a few years, she'll learn of you and that'll end up with either you or her dead."

"He's right; we need to bring you back on our own terms." Dawn added. "If we bring you right after Luna eats breakfast, we'll be able to spring this on Celestia and-"

"-Pretty much clothesline her." I finished, before standing up. "That's a good enough plan; we just need to make up a good enough reason for her not to melt you with concentrated sunlight."

She happened to pale at that.

[0830, Mark]

Striding up to the palace gates after teleporting with our group, I couldn't help but smirk at the total terror Luna's former evil counterpart gave off. Celestia couldn't be warned, so I plugged a tranquilizer dart into every guard's ass, save for the death guards. They had enough common sense to be able to tell that she was harmless. Some of them even fell into stride with us, the daring bastards (and bitch, there was a mare involved).

I would've kicked down the doors to the main hall, but they weighed half a ton each. Dawn did that with his magnets.

"What is the meaning of this?!" I would guess that was the royal secretary as she barked from the base of the throne platform. She was about to place herself in between us when she saw our company, and visibly shook. Probably pissed herself, too. I noticed that Max was next to Celestia, chatting away, until we came in of course.

"NIGHTMARE MOON!" Celestia barked out, getting to her feet quickly. In response, everyone of us aimed our weapons/got in front of NM. Thompson decided to play the comedic role and held out a roll of gauze like a pistol, finger curled up and everything. Dawn simply preformed a facehoof, before getting in front of us.

"Celestia, just listen for a moment." He tried saying, but bitch wasn't havin' any of that.

"NO, I will not allow her evil to spread," Celestia snarled as her horn glowed brightly. "She corrupted my beloved sister and tried to destroy me and Equestria. I WILL NOT LET HER DO IT AGAIN!"

Anon and I slipped in front of NM, taking the brunt of the RCV. From the looks of it, I was finally gonna get to put a cap in thy 'Royal Plot'. Then, in his flightly glory, Max intervened.

The human didn't say a word at first, instead he easily stepped up to Celestia's side and placed a gentle hand on her cutie mark. The affect was instantaneous. Celestia became ridged, her horn stopped glowing and all the anger in the room… at least her side of it, died.

"Celestia," he said in a soft voice that floated over to us. "Maybe you should listen to what they have to say," he removed his hand as she turned her head to gaze at him. "You said yourself that it's been over four years since Luna and Moon separated… If she hasn't tried to overthrow the kingdom by now…"

"Mostly because I was too weak..." NM muttered from behind me, causing all of us to smirk a little.

"Very well," she sighed. Taking a deep calming breath, the princess of the sun re-took her seat at the throne and gave a nod towards Nightmare Moon. "I will listen to what you have to say…"

Because, fuck you.

God, I thought that would've gone a lot worse, actually. Nightmare Moon returned to the throne as 'Princess Lunacae' (Luna's actual name), so avoid arousing too many suspicions. Needless to say, Prince Blueballs was a little more than pissed at being passed once again.

When Luna wakes up to 'raise' the moon, she's gonna freak the fuck out. That's fosho.

[And now a moment from our sponsor]

"It's open," Max called after I knocked at his door, and a moment later I trotted in.

"I do hope I'm not disturbing you," I said as I carefully kicked the door shut, not slamming it like the pro I was. Then again, my colt form doesn't have as much power as my stallion form.

"Nope, just doing a bit of studying," the Master sergeant replied as he set down a pen and close the book he had been looking through.

"I just wanted to thank you for what you did back in the throne room." I said.

"Not a prob," Max gave a casual shrug.

"Max, I don't think you quite understand," I shook my head and tried again. "Over a thousand years of standing up to her, and yet… I've never seen Celestia back down so quickly from a potential conflict, how did you do it?"

"What can I say, I'm just good with horses…" He smiled, again shrugging it off as he opened the book before him. I decided to not take offence to that.

I stood there for a few more minutes, my sharp eyes watching the young man as he went back to studying…

I ruined his concentration for a moment by acting like a colt and leaping up onto the table, landing directly on the book he was reading.

Bonus Chapter: A Word From Our Sponsor

"Max, I don't think you quite understand," the death prince shook his head and tried again. "Over a thousand years of standing up to her, and yet… I've never seen Celestia back down so quickly from a potential conflict, how did you do it?"

"What can I say, I'm just good with horses…" He smiled, again shrugging it off as he opened the book before him. Dawn decided to not take that as an insult.

Dawn stood there for a few more minutes, his sharp eyes watching the young man as he went back to studying… Deciding to ruin his concentration for a moment by acting like a colt, Dawn leaped up onto the table, landing directly on the book Max was reading.

Dawn stood there for a few more minutes, his sharp eyes watching the young man as he went back to studying… Deciding to ruin his concentration for a moment by acting like a colt, Dawn leaped up onto the table, landing directly on the book Max was reading.

"Umm, do you mind?" Max blinked in confusion.

"No, I want answers and you are going to give them to me." Dawn persisted, frowning a little.

"Look," Max sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I'd like to tell you how I calmed Sunbutt down, but to tell you the truth, I don't know."

"Yes you do, even if you don't realize it…" Dawn said as his horn lit up. "And I'm going to get to the bottom of this."

Before Max could do or say anything there was a flash and…

"Where in the seven layers of…" the death pony stood in a black room with several empty picture frames, each the size of Luna. As he watched on, the frames began to slowly float about him and play bits and pieces of Max's life…

"Mommy, Daddy…Look out!" Spinning around, Dawn found himself facing a frame that had a blue sedan being slammed into by a huge semi, and the screams as 5 year old Max watched his parents die. He was about to look away when a new, but strangely familiar, voice issued forth. "Sssh… It's ok little one, I've got you…"

For a moment his mind went blank and Red Dawn found himself frozen to the spot. Before him a tall white alicorn with deep red mane and tail, was holding little Max with her wings, gently nuzzling the frightened boy. "Yes," she smiled warmly while slowly rocking the child, "I think you will do nicely…"

"Wait, what the hell?!" Dawn suddenly cried out when the picture faded away.

"That's it, you want to be firm to get the tangles out, yet gentle enough as to not pull the hairs out of her tail." Looking to his left, a different frame showed Max, now age 12, was brushing the tail of a young foul, while the white alicorn stood next to him, giving tips.

"Who are you?" he asked as he moved closer to the frame, his eyes locked on the unknown alicorn. He swore he knew her from somewhere, but he couldn't put a finger on it, even if he had fingers.

"Are you sure about this?" Again, Dawn turned and found another frame with the same alicorn, only this time Max was 18, drunk off his ass, and standing in a tattoo parlor. "Well, if you insist on going through with this, may I make a suggestion?"

"So that's how Max got the sun tattoo on his ass…" Dawn couldn't help but snicker.

"Max, it's time," another frame began to play, but when Dawn turned toward it he found the human bent over a cargo strap while securing a HMMWV. All around him the lights of the C-5 Galaxy flickered as a storm buffeted the plane. "I'm sending you to Equestria, I'm sending you to Celestia…" After finishing, her horn flared as she cast a spell. Dawn barely noticed this.

"Say what now?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, the strange alicorn suddenly looked up past Max and gazed directly at Dawn. "Oh crap…"

"Greetings Timeithian," the alicorn flashed a sweet, calming smile as she stepped from the picture frame and stood before him. "It has been a long time. Seven thousand, eight hundred and fifty-seven years, to be exact."

"Do…Do I know you?" He asked, taking a step back. There was a voice in the back of his head, nagging at him that he did, in fact, know this mare.

"Maybe this will help," she gave him a wink as her red mane and tail shifted… becoming more like Luna's, filled with stars… only this alicorn also had planets and super novas and… and that was when he saw her cutie mark.

"Queen Mother Faust…"

"It is good to see you again Timeithian," she nodded as she bent down and kissed him on the forehead. "Or should I call you Red Dawn now?" The first thought that came through his addled mind was that she could call him by his birth name, but he was unable to voice it.

"I…I… you," realization suddenly slammed into his brain. "It was you, not 'Tia who brought Max here… all this time I thought… But why?"

"Two of my own were hurting, one had forgotten what it was like to love and be loved, becoming closed off and alone." She sighed as she drooped a wing down and placing it on his shoulder. "While the other had to forfeit ever finding love…or die." Gently she pulled him close, into a motherly embrace. "So I sent two humans to Equestria, two humans that I watched over and quietly instructed, two humans that I gave the power to help my lost ponies…"

"Two?" Dawn blinked in dismay. "I know of Max, but who is the other?"

"Jane Shepard," the Queen simply said as she slowly moved away.

"JANE?!" He stood there dumbfounded. "But we, I can't… I'll die!"

"The family's curse stated that if you ever bred with another pony, that you would die after the foal was born." She stated as she began to fade. "But Jane is not a pony…"

"WAIT… Please don't go… I have so many questions…" Dawn begged as she turned around, still fading.

"Dawn," she smiled as she glanced back over her shoulder at him.

"Yes?" He asked, his eyes watering for the first time in centuries.

"Time to wake up."

"No!" he rushed forward, only to tumble off Max's desk and right into the human's lap. Rather uncomfortably and in a compromising position.

"Dude, are you ok?" Max asked, a worried expression showing on his face. Instead of answering Max, Dawn teleported out as fast as he could. The last thing Max saw was something that nobody would've expected to appear on Dawn's face; twin streaks of tears.

[Dawn's POV, 2300]

"Should I tell her?" I quietly contemplated as I paced the floor of my room in Canterlot. Quietly, since I didn't want to wake up Jane, who was halfway curled up in m-... our bed.

My guards that were posted outside knew that something was troubling me, since I only use this room when I'm thinking about something depressing.

"Tell who?" Jane asked, making me jump a little in shock.

"Did I wake you?" I asked, my ears flattening a little from embarrassment.

"Maybe..." She said with a sly grin, then her face went neutral. "Tell who?"

"Tell Celestia." I sighed, levitating a bottle of whiskey and taking a sip. The burn in the back of my throat made me continue. "While... Browsing through Max's memories, I stumbled across someone."

"Who was it?" She asked, accepting the bottle and taking a swig.

"Mother..." I quietly said, looking down. "I haven't seen her since Father died, and it turns out that she was in the past this whole time."

"What happened?" Jane asked, pulling me close after sitting on the couch that was smack dab in the middle of the room. I took another sip before answered.

"We... talked." I hesitantly said.

"About?" Jane pressed.

'Should I tell her? That she was brought here, just because I was lonely?' I questioned myself. After looking at Jane, who was patiently waiting for an answer, I decided.

"Max, and why he ended up here." I sighed. Technically, I wasn't lying, but it still hurt a little to keep this from her.

"Mother, since he was five, more or less raised Max up to be Celestia's husband. Of course, she won't marry, but it's what Mother would want, if she could." I explained, flicking some dust off of the back of the couch.

"How do you know?" She asked.

"I saw... Visions, of important events of his life that lead up to the C-5 crashing." I answered. "All of them had Mother speaking to him." After a moment, I recognized something in the last vision. "Now I know why he didn't mention her!"

"What do you mean?" Jane asked as I bolted out of her lap.

"Mother cast a memory spell on him, so he wouldn't remember her! But he still kept the knowledge that she gave him!" I somewhat excitedly said as I started pacing again. "If I can reverse the spell, I could learn more about all of this." Looking at her, I also knew that I could just glimpse into her hidden memories...

No, she can't even think for a minute that she was there only to be my wife. It would hit her hard, and I didn't want to see her in pain, if it be mental, emotional, or physical.

But, I think I could talk to Lunacae and see if she's been visited by our Mother while banished onto the moon.

"I'll be back!" I shouted to Jane as I raced out the door, scaring the hell out of my sentries.

Author's Note

Also, a small word of thanks to my co-author, RenaTamer! He doesn't have an account on FimFiction, but he does on FanFiction, which is where MiE was born. You'll start to see his work more often from here on out.

Repairs

"So what's the word, will it ever fly again?" I asked, crouching down next to Max as he worked on a part to the C-5. Applejack was standing next to me, the two of us back together, as she relented and apologized heavily to Apple for being racist towards her, and accepted her as the foal I could never really give. Apple had a complete family now, and it brought a smile to my face.

"If you had asked me that a day after the crash, I would have said no," Max gave out a grunt while he worked on the C-5's burnt out engine. "If you had asked a week ago, I would have said hell no…" He added, pausing for a moment to nudge a nut away from his back.

"And now?" I asked, taking a drag from my cigarette that burnt up half of the damn thing.

The flight mechanic paused long enough to glance over at a red unicorn mare (death guard, being paid extra bits for doing this) who was using her horn to weild a rib-joint back into place. "Without the right tools, or the right spare parts, the only way she is going to fly is with PFM… and luckily for you, Equestria runs on PFM."

"PFM?" Applejack blinked, her head tilted to one side. She probably shouldn't have been so close to me, because when I exhaled the smoke in my lungs, she coughed up a storm. I waited until the smoke cleared before answering.

"It's a military acronym that we've made up," I clarified. "It means Pure Fucking Magic."

"Eeeyup," Max chuckled, imitating mine and AJ's older brother. "With magic running the engines, there is no need for fuel, so we've been able to reinforce and strengthen the wings. Add in the fact that the ponies can also cast a permanent levitation spell on the plane, and you'll be able to stuff just about anything in her and still fly…"

"As it is," Twilight spoke up in her cheery voice. "With all the help we're getting… this machine will be ready by the end of the week."

"That's good news," I chirped happily, before glancing to my right. "And while I'm glad you're here, Master Sergeant… is there a reason you brought her along?"

Leaning back in order to see past the charred remains of the TF-39 engine (and past cigarette smoke), he peered at the nearby white alicorn. Sunbutt lay in the shade cast by the C-5 Galaxy, a large bowl of popcorn between her forelegs, watching Kung-Fu Panda on the inflatable movie screen while the CMC laughed and giggled alongside her. Apple was curled up beside Applebloom, watching with creepy as fuck eyes (she doesn't fucking blink).

I felt her wonder what the fuck the movie was about, and chuckled in my head.

"You got a problem with me having my Pretty Pretty Pegasus with me?" He asked, feigning shock.

"Pretty pretty… what?" That floored me somewhat. I'll admit to that.

"It's…" Max gave out a sigh as the supposed joke failed miserably. "It's a little girl's pony cartoon back home."

"Yeaaah," I rolled my eyes while AJ giggled at my side. "So, about Sunbutt?"

"Lunacae and Luna have been getting a bit uppity lately, so I talked 'Tia into coming with me on a week long sabbatical from running the realm," he said while climbing down from the engine. "I don't think they had any real idea just how hard she works to keep Equestria running right."

Except for Dawn, he knew all along, from what he told me. Don't need to tell the others that, though.

"And?" AJ questioned.

"Has any of them been by in the last few days?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well… no." I finally said. It was technically true, I haven't seen him, but I have heard from him in the form of short letters sent via Spike. From how he stated Luna and Lunacae was fairing, I'm surprised there hasn't been a revolution against them yet.

"You should see some of the scrolls that have popped up as of last night, begging her to return early." Chuckling to himself, Max wiped the grease from his hands as he made his way over to where Sunbutt and the CMC sat cheering as the movie ended. Apple just flew over and plopped herself down on my head, standing in as a hat.

"Come ma' lady," Max gave a curt bow. "We have dinner in an hour with young Miss Sparkle and Mr. Schmidt…"

I snorted when he said 'Mr.'. Schmidt's older than dirt. Hell, if we go by the year on the planet and not by how old we are, we're all older than dirt.

Celestia quickly bid her farewell to the three fillies before nodding to her human. "Excellent. Come my most faithful student, let us be on our way."

"Coming," Twilight happily galloped away. "And after, by chance, can Max teach Schmidt on how to give me one of his special baths?"

"I think that can be arranged," Celestia nodded to her now excited protege.

"Hey, don't I get a say in this?" Max asked as they shambled off towards Ponyville.

"And if you did, would you refuse?"

"Not in the least," he chuckled as he gave the sun princess a pat on the rump. "Just like having the option…" I sighed and turned back, before facepalming.

"No! That goes in the other way!" I called, jogging over before the poor mare blew up the damn plane.

Lord knows I'd be bitch-slapping somebody if that happened. All of our damn food was in there!

Apologies

"Hey barkeep," I gave a friendly wave as I leaned heavily on the dark wooden bar. "The usual."

Over an hour ago Duffy, Schmidt and I had been at a restaurant trying to enjoy a peaceful lunch over a tactical pow-wow (football football tournament, worldwide football, not American), when Twilight had rushed in all excited over something. By the time Schmidt had calmed her down enough to make heads and tails out of her bullshit, a cold pit was starting to form in my gut.

"Ohmygosh, ohmygosh… Princess Celestia is coming back to Ponyville and needs my help," she exclaimed happily as she visibly vibrated in anticipation. "I can't believe it, Helm, she needs MY help!"

"And that my comrades," I sighed, "was the sound of my day getting fucked up the ass, and not in a good way. There is a pitchfork involved somewhere, I can just feel it."

Twilight had expressed her disapproval at my words, trying to preach the good Sunbutt had done over the past thousand years, and that since Max had become her royal consort, the princess had left me alone… but I really wasn't in the mood. Never am when it comes to Sunbutt.

So, as soon as I saw the flying chariot of pure fucking gold landing in the center of town, I made a beeline to the local watering hole and called for the usual.

"Hello General, fighting the good fight," a soft voice asked from my right, unintentionally referencing Three Dog. "Or just out to torture your liver?"

"The liver is evil bastard and must be punished," I said in a Russian accent as I placed a third shot glass face down on the bar with a clack. However as I glanced at the mare who had spoken up, I happen to freeze.

She was a human, one I had never seen before. She had a fairly large bust, thin waist and good sized hips, though the latter was somewhat hidden by the ankle length sun dress she was wearing. The only thing that made me question whether she was real or not was the off pink hair that cascaded down past her ass. Then again, I've seen pictures of women with far worse hairstyles than hers.

"I'm terribly sorry," I blinked in confusion. "But do I know you?"

"In a way," she gave a shrug, her visible cleavage bobbing with the movement of her shoulders in a way that made me wish for these ponies to have something other than crotchtits. I pushed that thought out of both of my heads a second later; I did not need AJ on my case. "Though we haven't always seen eye to eye."

"Huh." My confusion deepened until she turned her face towards me and I looked into her violet eyes. "No. Fucking. Way." Fucking hell. Seriously?

"Yeah, the bitch is here," she sighed as she waved down the barkeep. "Whisky please?"

"But," I watched on as the keeper placed the shot before her. "...Fuck it." I muttered, getting another shot from Pale Mead.

"Would you like to know why I did not want you and the rest of the humans here in Equestria?" She asked once I got my vodka.

"Uh…" yet she continued before I could make a decision.

"Loyalty," she said as she picked up the 8 ounce glass and gazed into the smoky amber liquid. "The world where you came from, the lot of you were willing to die for your brothers in arms, your gods, and your countries." Celestia took a deep breath as she continued to look into the glass. "But none of you hold any loyalty to the crown or my little ponies …and I feared that…"

"But all of us (save for Shelton and o'Drake) have taken ponies as lovers." Hell, I was half tempted to tell her that I'm an Atheist(along with a few others, and some Christians slowly gave their religions up.) and Schmidt hated being a Nazi, but that was just white noise at this point. "And that includes you and Max."

"I know that now," there was now a smile on her red lips. "And that is one of the things that brings me here."

"And I take it the other would have to do with why you're suddenly human?"

"This would be the work of Shining Armor," she giggled, "He thought Max was bucking Twilight, so he added poison joke powder to our body wash."

"So what happened to Max?" I asked, already thinking of possibilities. She withdrew a small photograph from somewhere (that dress DID NOT have pockets, so I had to use my dirty imagination) and let me see. Max ended up as Celestia's male counterpart. Mane and everything.

After finally catching my breath from laughing my ass off, I took a moment to wipe the tears from my eyes. "You know, I've had my own run in with that bloody plant; wound up a filly for a few days… I think Big Mac found me attractive as a pony. Jesus, that was awkward."

"Tell you what, I'll drink to you once being a pony," she held her glass out towards mine. "If you drink to me being a human?"

"I can live with that," and together we clanked glasses and tossed back our drinks.

"So," I finally asked once the pleasant burn subsided. "Besides getting the cure from Zecora, what else brought you to Ponyville?"

"To say that I'm sorry for being such a bitch," Celestia said as she placed her 'shot glass' down and tossed a few bits on the counter. "I'm not here asking for forgiveness for the way I acted towards you personally, it was unforgivable… but all the same, I'm truly sorry."

With that said she gave me a wink and walked back out into the world.

"...The fuck just happened?" I asked Mead as he passed me another shot. He simply shrugged and went back to wiping out glasses with some cool tricks with his wings.

'I'd figure she'd be older as a human...' I thought as I had two more shots, paid for my shit, and left. I was only slightly tipsy and I had a trace amount of slur in my voice, so I knew it was a good idea to stop when I did. Haven't gotten fully drunk yet, and I never will. Hopefully.

[Half an Hour Later]

"Yes, Mark?" Max questioned when I got on the horn with him. Yep, sounds like a male Sunbutt.

"When she gets back to the castle and all that schisse you're dealing with is over..." I started, "let her know that I forgive her."

"Who?" He asked, sounding a little confused. Seems she originally came here to talk with Twi and Zecora.

Her thought process must've been as follows; 'Oh, I'm in the same town as somebody I distrust, so I'll just pop in to say hi while in public, so he can't hurt me. I'll give him some words and it'll be water under the bridge.'

Clever girl... Still, at least I don't have to be so paranoid around her. Being married (more or less, we haven't had a formal ceremony, but everyone in town pretty much acts like we are) to the Element of Honesty for over three years, her lie detecting skills have somewhat rubbed off on me.

It also doesn't help that ponies are less subtle than a nuclear bomb going off when they try to lie; Celestia is by far the best one and she's only a little more subtle than a train wreck.

"Sunbutt visited me in the bar and apologized." I replied. "Tell her that I accept it and will cease all hostile comments, unless they're in jest." I cut it off before he could reply, and felt something odd happen.

I owed somebody bits. And that somebody happened to be Applejack.

[A week later]

The Apple family, Apple, Schmidt, Twilight and Scoots, Dawn and Jane, Doc and Fluttershy, and I were walking towards a clearing in Whitetail woods for a peaceful lunch when somebody (possibly Lunacae) decided it would be a good time to do a certain act.

Dawn suddenly gave out a shout. "Mark, heads up!"

Luckily, the outcry gave me enough of a warning to duck out of the way as a parachutist dropped out of the midday sky. This time, instead of having somebody land on me and break something, it was one very unlucky red stallion who was slammed to the ground.

With all of us looking on in stunned silence, Big Mac and the whoever tumbled head over hooves into a heap, the white chute drifting down to cover them before we could get a look at who it was.

"On it," Doc jumped into action, rushing over to the covered lump and began digging though the silk. They were tangled all to fuck, so it was hard.

"Don't just stand around with your thumbs up your arses," I snapped at the people around me. "Help the man out!" Even as I said it, I started helping.

Hands and hooves worked together to uncover the pair, only for everyone to suddenly stop and stare. Before them lay Big Macintosh on his back, a brunette woman in a shape hugging flight suit atop him with her head in his crotch… his snout pressed into hers.

"Ah did not need to see that," Applejack flinched and looked away. I cringed like a bitch, but didn't look away.

"Anyone get the number of that bus," the woman asked as she groggily nuzzled the red stallion's balls and sheath, only to gasp and quickly sit up, her eyes wide. "Oh shit!"

"Ya'll mind getting off mah brother?" At first, AJ's words caused the woman to look down and take note of the even redder pony nestled between her thighs… and then realization struck.

"Holy fuck, a talking horse!" She snapped as she swiftly scrambled off Big Mac, pulled a knife from her right boot, a pistol from a hip holster, and dropped into a fighting stance.

"What's your name and rank solder!" I shouted before she could let of a round. I didn't draw my M1911A1 in a sign of faith in the gods of this realm or some shit.

In half a second, she spun around and faced off at me, knifehand about to become activated. "You first," she demanded.

"General Mark Durnkinscoff of the USMC." I answered. The EM part could wait.

"Right," she slipped her knife back into its sheath and snapped into a salute. "Flight Lieutenant Judy Higgins, call sign Dorothy, 445th Airlift Wing, Wright-Patterson USAF."

'Judy Higgins... Where the fuck di-' I thought, before my eyes widened. Looking at Dawn, his were wider than usual.

"Do you happen to know a Master Sergeant Max Rex, callsign 'T-Rex'?" I asked, fishing around for something to contact Sunbutt. Her surprise radiated from where she was standing, so I knew that she knew him.

"Is he alright?" She quickly asked as I started writing something down with a pen (picked up from the C-5).

"Bring Max to my location. NOW." The note read. With a small flash of light from Dawn's horn, it disappeared from my hands once I nodded my head.

"We have a lot to talk about, miss Higgins." I said. She frowned, but my tone of voice said that she shouldn't argue.

"Let's talk, then." She said, sitting down right there. Luckily, we had barely arrived at the spot where we were to set up when she dropped in, so nobody complained.

"So, first thing's first..." I started, taking a seat next to AJ and Apple. "How long has it been since you were on Hannah?"

"About thirty seconds... How do you know the name of the C-5?" She answered, narrowing her eyes a little.

"Because the bird is having an airfield being built around her." I answered, before realizing what she said. "Did you say thirty seconds?" With her nod, I swore.

"Why?" She asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"Because Max crashed Hannah here two weeks ago." I answered, causing her to lean back in shock.

"What the hell?!" I heard her mutter, causing me to sigh.

"I don't know, either." I said with a shake of my head. "But I can say that Max is alive and doing quite well."

'Who's Max?' Apple asked, tilting her head while holding onto my scalp to not fall off.

'The guy who appeared in the flying machine we've fixed.' I replied.

'Oh.' Apple hmm'd, and started eating lunch.

We pretty much mellowed Judy out before Max got here, so that was a plus.

Death is The End

I woke up one night by a creaking noise coming from the room that Schmidt and Scoots occupy. Frowning, I quickly checked my watch and noted that it was past midnight.

'Why in the fuck is somebody awake?' I thought, quietly getting out of bed, so as to not disturb AJ. Peeking out into the hallway, I barely saw a rainbow tail slip into their room. 'Alright. Why in the fuck is Dash here at this hour?'

"Huh?" I heard Schmidt say, before a solid thump quietly echoed towards me.

'Oh shit. Scoots is in there!' I thought, hurriedly going over to the door and ripping it open. The last thing I saw before getting a burlap sack thrown over my head was Scoots looking in mute horror and several goggled pegasi while I had my ass handed to me, but not knocked out for some reason. I was tied up by one of them, probably with Schmidt's blanket. It felt warm enough to be it.

"Good job. This reject's going to the rainbow factory. What do we do with him?" One of them, a male, said.

"Bring him with us. Could use some extra coloring." Dash replied. I was dragged out of the room silently, wondering what the fuck was going on. Couldn't move for dick, but I could still hear and feel.

'The fuck does she mean by coloring?' I thought, before grunting as I was thrown into something. It felt like wood, but I wasn't sure, since I couldn't see. Another, higher pitched groan and a slam into my stomach indicated where Scoots was.

"M-Mark?" She quietly whimpered.

"I'm here, Scoots." I whispered back, wriggling around a little.

"Where are we going?" She asked.

"I honestly don't know. I think one of the Pegasi said something about rainbows." I answered, before feeling a hoof smash into my head.

"No talking!" A voice barked, along with another smash. I held back a groan, keeping my head from collecting further injuries. As we waited for whatever was in store for us in silence, my mind started wandering. It was not a good thing, as my mind sometimes makes up the weirdest shit. At the moment, I was thinking about being shoved into a small ass cell with a big, burly homosexual Mexican named Pedro. It was not fun.

About an hour later, the cart or whatever the fuck we were in halted, and I felt a pair of hooves roughly drag me to my feet, the sound of industry assaulting my ears.

'So they have DO have industrial factories here...' I thought, before I heard a filly grunt next to me.

"So, what's the Rainbow Factory?" I quietly asked Scoots as we were led into an unknown location.

"It's where rainbows are made... Rainbow Dash gave me a tour once..." Scoots replied, fear lacing her foice.

"Well, I think she's giving us another, possibly more menacing one." I replied. Scoot's whimpering, along with a weird noise under my feet, told me that we were possibly up very high or somewhere batshit scary. Scoots was not a filly who wore her fear upon her metaphorical sleeve, either.

"Heh. You can take the sack off the ape's head, Cloud." Dash said from behind me. Having the sack roughly removed from my head, I decided to take in my surroundings. I wasn't off when I thought of industry, as there were steel walls, chains, catwalks, and a big ass meat grinder thing below us. The grinder had several pipes leading from it, all faintly glowing in different colors. Scoots was whimpering and shaking violently, her eyes pleading with Dash.

"The fuck?" I questioned, looking at Dash with a scowl. She didn't reply, only kicked Scoots off, sending the screaming filly to her death via meat grinder. After being forced to watch her get grinded up, one of the pipes in the bottom that was orange glowed brighter. Then she must've decided I wasn't a threat to her as she unwrapped me before doing the same. Biggest bloody mistake of her life, as she's obviously never fought a Marine before.

"Fuck you, whore!" I growled and rolled out of the way, spotting a broken pipe lying on the catwalk a few feet away. I picked it up fast enough to bring it down on one of the pegasi, smashing her head against one of the rails. I hit her hard enough to pop her head open like a rotten watermelon.

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." I started quoting, ducking under another pegasus and punching him in the stomach. "I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."

'Lord, I know I've never believed in you...' I thought with a frown, spearing one of them and quickly withdrawing the makeshift weapon. Her blood dripped from it as she crumpled, coughing up more of her blood.

"...Even though I won't make it out of here..." I muttered, bashing it against another one, but accidentally made him to slam into me, sending me against the railing and causing me to drop the pipe down to the floor far below. A horrid shrieking noise indicated that it was torn up.

"...I pray that you keep Applejack, Apple, and my men... My FAMILY safe." I growled, drawing the combat knife that I was now glad to have stuffed into my boot, glaring at the pegasi surrounding me. I wished that I had my energy sword, but I left it on my nightstand while I grabbed the knife and put it in my boot.

"You can't win. Just give up." Rainbow chuckled, coming out of the shadows in a rather creepy manner.

"It's not about winning, it's about taking as many of you sick fucks with me." I growled, before doing something none of them expected; I rushed Rainbow and tackled her, sending the both of us off of the edge and causing us to plummet towards the meat grinder thing.

"Let me go!" She screamed frantically, then in pain as I buried the knife into her chest.

"YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT OUT ALIVE!" I screamed back at her, as the both of us hit the grinder at the same time.

The last thought that ran through my mind was relatively simple; 'Forgive me, Applejack.'

Spa

In the morning, I set out to continue working at the Spa, keeping an eye out for Dash so I wouldn't hurt her.

I disarmed myself just in case, besides carrying my beating stick around. With luck, if I do run into Dash, I won't be able to kill her because of the distance she should have between us.

"You alright, Mark?" Duran asked me once I got to town, walking alongside me as we went to our respective jobs. "I heard about what happened last night."

"I'm fine, as long as Dash doesn't get in my field of vision. Or talk to me, for that matter." I replied.

"If she does, would it help if we restrained you?" He asked, fingering a clay bullet from the magazine he pulled out of his M16. I idly watched him for a moment before responding.

"It would probably be for the best, because if I get my hands on her in my delusional rage, I'll end up breaking her neck or something." I sighed, slumping my shoulders a little.

"Alright. We still have a lot of rope from the Black Hawk to tie you up with." He muttered, rubbing his chin. I was about to say something, when Scoots and Applebloom came galloping after me, dragging Apple along.

'Help!' Apple yelled in my head as she was dragged past, her hind hooves uselessly banging against the road.

"You girls taking her to school?" I asked, stopping them.

"Yessir!" Scoots beamed, probably avoiding the topic of last night.

"Then don't bloody drag her. I'll be along at lunch to get her enrolled." I sighed. They sheepishly chuckled before letting the changeling go, who took flight, buzzing a few inches in the air and looking at me.

'Do I have to?' She asked, a metaphorical eyebrow raised.

"Yes, you have to." I answered, crouching in front of her. "No daughter of mine, adopted or not, is going to grow up without an education." I deadpanned.

'Yes daddy...' She sighed, before looking at Applebloom and Scoots.

"She's ready." I said, and when they started running towards the school, I added, "don't break her!"

"We won't!" Scoots yelled back. I knew they would.

"Want me to go after them?" Duran offered.

"Nah, let 'em have their fun." I said, before having a thought.

'What if... Everyone who's with an Element has a nightmare about a different one?' I thought, frowning.

"You alright?" Duran asked, noticing that I stopped in mid-stride.

"I had a thought..." I muttered, before shaking my head and sighing. "Nah, it probably won't happen."

"What?" He pressed. I simply waved him off.

"We gotta get to work; I'll stop by on my lunch break to officially register Apple." I said, changing the subject. "Just tell Cheerilee she can't talk in a formal sense, or else I might have to myself." I was brutally blunt with these ponies, as I was back on Earth.

Cheerilee asked me as politely as possible to try and tone it down, at least while in the company of children. I am actually attempting it, to my credit.

"Aye aye!" He saluted and jogged off, while I contemplated on throwing an apple (I bring one to work every morning) at him for saluting because I wasn't in uniform. I decided not to, instead sinking my teeth into the fruit and chewing neatly, as I was near a bunch of civilians.

"Morning!" Ditzy called out as she clumsily flew past, a few letters floating into my outstretched hand.

"And top of the morn to you!" I called out, pocketing my mail after checking it. She did have a small habit of screwing up with the mail from time to time, but less often than my old mailman did. May his God rest his soul, as he got bitten by a rabid dog and died of rabies.

We had actual mailmen in our town; no bloody mail trucks, just people plodding along on their feet and/or bikes.

"Good morning, Mark!" Aloe chirped as I walked into the Spa. I still find her Greek (Or whatever the ponies named Greece. Afraid that whatever they named it was a severely terrible pony pun. They already fucked up Sparta by calling it Spartrota.) accent rather cute.

"Top of the morn to ya, Aloe." I replied, cracking my hands and placing the top part of my BDUs on the coat rack.

If I decided to take a moment to think, I would wonder why the fuck ponies had coat racks. Then I would remember that it's bad for my health to start thinking like that, and move on.

"You already have a mare waiting for you in the back." Aloe informed me as I took my pants (and NOT boxers) off.

"Lyra again? It's about that time." I asked, slipping on more casual shorts and shoes.

"Actually, it's Fluttershy." She answered. That kinda surprised me; that pegasus doesn't really come here often, and was almost always with Rarity when she did come.

"Is Rarity with her?" I asked, lacing up my shoes.

"Just Fluttershy." She said.

"Alrighty then." I muttered, walking into the back room and officially starting my day. To my surprise (not really), Sunbutt was having a conversation with a timid looking Fluttershy.

"Morn' to the both of you." I called out as I poured crap all over my hands, to make the massaging feel better for the ponies.

"Good morning, Mark." They both replied, though Fluttershy's was noticably quieter.

"You here for a massage, Celestia?" I asked as I got on Fluttershy's left, nudging her to where I could get at all of her joints.

I wasn't the only masseuse there, as a mare that went by the name of Quake also worked at the Spa. We had a little thing going on where a customer chose whether or not to have their muscles or joints worked on, or both, and Quake got the muscles.

Anyway, once Fluttershy finally took her place on one of the tables, I mounted that sumbitch and got to work, working on her jaw first.

She doesn't talk much as it is (unless you get her started on animals), so I was able to get at her joints in her jaw without too much difficulty.

"Doesn't that feel awkward for her?" Celestia asked, watching me as I worked.

"The mounting or the jaw thing?" I replied with my own question.

"Both, actually." She clarified.

"If I put most of the pressure on my legs and the table, I won't hurt her that way. As for the massaging, I work the joints in one's body, as long as I can get to them." I explained. "So far, I've done work on ponies and humans, while Apple's allowing me to practice on her, should a changeling ever want my expertise."

"Oh." She muttered, watching me as I moved from Fluttershy's face to her neck. I spent about four minutes on each joint, and by far the hardest client I've had is still AJ. Jesus Christ, try giving a massage to a brick one time, and you'll be able to tell how it felt for me.

Also, fuck off for reading this. It's MY DAMN JOURNAL, NOT A FUCKING BOOK.

Anyway...

"It actually feels quite good." Fluttershy quietly moaned out. "Every time I come here, I ask for his service."

"Even with eight fingers, I'm a damn good masseuse." I cheekily said. "I bet I could give Max a run for his bits if I gave you a massage, though I don't bet. Last time I did, I ended up owing AJ four hundred bits." I suck at betting in an everyday sense, but get me at a poker table and I'd own the literal table about three minutes later.

"I might just take you up on that offer." Celestia replied with a small grin, getting onto the table next to me.

"I ain't doing squat to you until I'm done with Flutters here." I told her. "And you'll be waiting a while, since Fluttershy is a pegasus."

"Why?" She asked, not offended at all at being told to wait, at least on the exterior. I bet it's a humbling experience for her.

"They have two extra appendages." I replied with a shrug. "I get the wing joints, too. Do it carefully, since it's really hard to do it if the pegasus has a wingboner."

"You're able to massage their wings without arousing them?" Celestia asked with a raised eyebrow.

"When I first started, I asked AJ, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity to let me practice on them." I answered, kneading a wing joint between my thumb and index finger. "The first few times ended up with Dash sucking off my fingers to get her wings down."

"Why would she suck on your fingers?" Celestia asked in confusion. I bet she somewhat regretted that when I answered. I know Fluttershy already knew this, but she was still regretting listening to me.

"Dashie has a finger fetish. Almost ate Duffy's hand by accident a few years ago." I answered with a shit-eating grin. Fluttershy was mortified, lying below me with enough heat to act as a furnace for a few hours with the blush she had across her face.

I continued on without much more conversation, and when I finished, Fluttershy zipped out before I could continue with my dirty talk.

Didn't stop her from leaving her payment and a tip, though. I swear, that mare is too much of a doormat for her own good; I would've paid for her myself, and I don't need a tip. Makes me feel like a tool, myself.

"So, what did you come here for, Celestia?" I asked, cracking my knuckles.

"We have a problem..." She began as I mounted her, fingers at the ready. She was gonna feel ravished by the end, I could tell that right now.

A New Mission

At 0930, every human was told to gather in the Ponyville town square for an undisclosed reason by General Red Dawn and General Mark Durnkinscoff. That meant Jeremy Williams had to drag his ass down from Canterlot alongside Max Rex and Jane Shepard.

At 1030, Mark still hadn't shown up.

"What's this about?" Callum asked Gallan, who simply shrugged.

"Dunno, man. Whatever it is, I just hope it's over in an hour; I gotta go help cater a party with Pinkie." He answered.

"Aah-TEN-HUT!" A British voice rang out.

A loud stomp filled the air as the assembled men and women gave their undivided attention to Blake before he stepped aside for Mark, who had just arrived. "A day ago Celestia came to me with some disturbing news and a request," he announced while giving a wave toward the alicorn who stood off to the side. "Princess, if you will?"

"Thank you General," she nodded slowly as she stepped up to stand beside him. "Yesterday morning, I received word that the cousins of my little ponies, the Southern Zebra Nation, have fallen on hard times. A year long drought and failing crops have been plaguing their lands, and less than a week ago a wave of locusts had descended upon their fragile homeland…"

"Most of their food stores have been decimated and a sickness has spread through their villages and towns." Taking a deep breath, she continued as a sad look crossed her face. "They have asked for aid and while I am more than happy to assist, I fear that by the time our fastest cargo ships reach their docks in two months, many zebras will have died… most of them, foals."

"That is where we come in," Mark again took the floor. "I, for one, will not sit around with my thumb up my ass while children starve, not while we have the means to get the badly needed supplies to the zebras in just a few days. However, I am not going to make this an order, instead I'm asking for volunteers to help with the relief effort. All who wish to volunteer, give me a hoo-rah!"

"Hoo-rah!" All of the humans let out their best call, some even going as far as to branish whatever they were holding in their right hand at the time.

Tears formed at the corners of the princess' eyes as every last man and woman gave out the cheer at the top of their lungs. "Princess Celestia," Mark's loud voice almost made her jump, "We stand ready to serve."

"Thank you," she smiled as a large weight lifted from her shoulders. "Thank you all."

"Relief supplies will start arriving at the Ponyville train station by tomorrow," Dawn announced from off to the side. "And Shining Armor is sending in the Pony Core of Engineers to add another track to the rail system that will extend to the airfield, which will make the loading of the supplies for the second run easier. Thus we will be splitting the lot of you into two teams, loading the plane and delivering the cargo, and rail work."

"Now if any of you need anything, anything at all to help the relief go more smoothly," Celestia added, "please feel free to speak to either the generals or myself… And again, thank you all."

"Consider the rest of the day an open-leave to do as you wish, for tomorrow the shit hits the fan with our luck." Mark snapped, before calling out, "Diss-missed!"

As the troops disbanded, Celestia, Dawn and Mark gathered together to discuss how hectic the next few day were going to get when a voice cut in, "Excuse me, Ma'am?"

Turning, they found a young woman standing at attention. "Ah, Miss Higgins," Celestia acknowledged, slightly surprising the human that a princess would remember her name. "And how are Macintosh and the rest of the Apple family?" Mark felt a little insulted that she never asked him how his half of the family was doing, but held his tongue.

"um… Doing fine Ma'am," Judy blinked in dismay.

"And what may we do for you, Flight Lieutenant?" Mark questioned.

"You said to come to if we needed something to help out with the upcoming mission," she said as she slipped into an at-ease stance.

"And what might you need?" Asked Dawn.

"Not what, sir, but who." Seeing the odd looks being sent her way, Judy quickly clarified. "If I'm going to be flying Hannah cargo heavy, then I want someone with experience on my team, and I don't mean someone who's had their memories altered, I mean real hands on experience."

"Name him or her and I will do my best to bring them to Equestria," Dawn said, only to have his suggestion shot down like WWI planes could be shot down with a precision brick.

"No need sir, the one I want is already here," she replied. "I want Master Sergeant Rex as both my Load Master and Chief Flight Mechanic."

Mark was about to tell the Flight Lieutenant that Max was retired and no longer available, when Celestia beat him to it, "Granted, Miss Higgins." With that said, the princess glanced to Mark. "I hereby reinstate my Max back into the Equestrian Military and place him under your care, general."

"Er, thanks," He blanched slightly before nodding to Judy. "Anything else?"

"Now that you mention it…" the Flight Lieutenant smiled mischievously. Mark don't know why, but he liked that smile.

[two hours later]

"RISE N' SHINE MAGGOT!"

The dominating voice was followed by the loud banging of metal on metal. All this combined to catapult Max not only out of a dead sleep, but onto his feet in under a heartbeat. "Master Sergeant Rex… reporting… er," he paused for standing before him was I, metal trashcan and lead pipe in hand, and Celestia… we both had wicked looking grins.

"What the fu…"

"Grab your flight gear Master Sergeant," I cut him off as I set the garbage can down on his bed. "You've been temporarily reassigned to my command and as of o'rightfuckingnow hundred hours, you're on the job."

"But," Max blanched as he turned to his princess. "Celestia?"

"I am sorry my consort, but for now, Miss Higgins needs your help flying Hanna," she said while floating his rucksack over to his bed. "And do not fret, I will find a way to survive until you return to me."

"However, until that time comes, your ass is mine." I growled.

"Fine, but this better be good," he grumbled as he shook out his bag atop his bed, looking for his flight suit. "Give me fifteen to take care of the 3-S' and I'll be right with you…"

"Three what now?" Celestia asked.

"Shower, Shit, and Shave." I chuckled, yet as I was explaining, something unexpected caught my sharp eyes. "Is that what I think it is?"

Blinking, Max looked down at the pile of his belongings… at a large black and green convinent travel case. "You mean my Xbox 360?"

"You have an Xbox here… a working Xbox." My eyes grew wide.

"Sure, I carry it with me whenever I fly," the Master Sergeant nodded. "I hook it up to the flat-screen in the plane's galley… Really helps to break up the monotony on long flights."

"What games do you have?" I asked, staring at it with something that I haven't felt in a long time building up.

"Two fighting games, Torque loved Tekken," Max said as he opened the satchel to reveal 12 cases of bright green. "The entire Halo series, with ODST… Left 4 Dead 1 and 2, Modern Warfare, GTA 4, and my favorites… Dead Island and Fallout: New Vegas."

"General, are you ok?" Celestia asked, concern filling her voice as she gave me a worried look. "Max, why is he shaking like this?"

"I've heard of it, but I've never seen…" Max looked on blankly. "It's Gamer Withdraw."

Damn right it was; even though I'm a natural PC gamer, I loved the shit outta Halo and simple(ish) fighting games.

Sometime later Max was on the train to Ponyville with an overly ecstatic me, cradling a gaming console in my arms. After a quick negotiation wherein we would loan the sun princess the inflatable movie/TV/(now)gaming screen and a mass of DVDs for three days, Celestia had introduced a very happy me to Xerox, a unicorn stallion with the gift of duplicating anything set before him.

Oh the ramifications...

Author's Note

"Don't believe everything you read on the internet, it may be fabricated." George Washington, King of the Gay Bath House Clan.

Taking Off

"We're all loaded and ready to fly," Judy stated as she stepped up and saluted, trying hard to not notice the crowd of on-lookers. Then again, it wasn't everyday a pony got to watch an alien craft take flight.

Before her were not only her commanding officer, but the entire royal family. Celestia, Dawn, and Mark were standing together near the rear loading bay, discussing who knew what, while Luna, Cadence, and Lunacae had just disembarked Hanna, after Max gave them a tour of the big airplane.

"That's good to hear Flight Lieutenant," Mark acknowledged. "And stop the saluting, I may have a higher rank, but I still work for a living."

"That 'n y'all are family," Applejack smiled as Big Mac and Granny joined them.

"If'en I was a tad younger, I'd be going with ya," Granny Smith was saying as they arrived. "Now I don't want you to fret none, Applejack and Applebloom can hold the farm 'til ya can get back."

"Ahw, it's not like u'm leaving for good, Granny," the big red pony drawled on. "It's just two weeks off to help move cargo, besides, the harvest is in and the barn has been readied for winter."

"You can always come with us," Judy happily suggested. "There is more than enough room in the passenger cabin in the tail, or you can bunk with us in the crew cabin."

The old green mare actually paused to consider the offer, but then she gave a wistful sigh. "This here 's a job for you youg'ens," she smiled warmly. "Besides, somepony needs to keep an eye on eye on the farm…"

"And her rocking chair…" AJ added with a giggle causing all gathered, including Granny, to chuckle.

[Mark]

"I'll be back really soon, AJ." I said, kneeling in a one foreleg hug from her.

"Ah know sugarcube." She said with a small smile. "It's just that Ah'm goin' into heat soon, and Ah'll have a hard time without ya there for me." She added, blushing a little.

"It's not even going to be two days unless I decide to bunker up until the next trip." I said, rubbing her head. "And I'll have Apple watching me, so you don't have to worry about me fooling around." I added as said changeling shrunk herself and slipped into my left cargo pocket.

"Ya'll take care of him, ya hear?" She muttered to the pocket 'o changeling, before hugging me again and allowing me to get to my 'steed' of the sky.

Wow, that sounded so wrong when I muttered it.

Anyway, I climbed on the ramp and into the ship as the others started to do the same. I noticed a brown earth stallion hug Ditzy with a small smile, before trotting in after Max. Dude had an hourglass for his assmark.

Guy's name was Time Turner, and he lived in the clock tower in the middle of town. Visiting him one time had brought a familiar blue box to my attention. I asked him how the TARDIS was doing, and he had a freak out when I took a self-induced tour through it.

He begged me to not tell anyone, in David Tennant's voice. I practically had a fangasm, since I enjoyed Doctor Who back in time (pun unintended).

I assured 'Time Turner' that I wouldn't, in turn for a single trip through time to watch humanity dissolve. It was depressing as fuck.

Anyway, I nodded to Time Turner as he discretely used his sonic screwdriver on a few of the things to make sure they were still in perfect condition.

"Ya'll better get your asses on board, because we're taking off in two minutes!" Max's voice sounded off through the PA speakers.

Everyone who was still dicking around outside suddenly grew rockets onto their asses and rushed aboard, even as the cargo door started lifting up. It wasn't even a third up when the last of them got on board.

[In the air]

I nodded to Judy to begin her thing and she nodded back.

"Ok ponies, listen up…" Judy sighed as she looked over the load sheet. "We're heavy today and we have passengers… Two wings of five from the Wonderbolts and one zebra healer."

"Oh please say we have a few days stay before the return trip," Sea Breeze, a foam green pegasus, half begged, half pleaded. "I want to watch the Bolts fly and maybe get Spitfire's autograph before the return trip."

"Girl, I hear that," Berryshine, a deep purple unicorn, giggled as they quickly bumped hooves. "Though I'd rather get some personal time with Soarin'…" I facepalmed behind them.

"Think you two can curb your fangasms until after we save the starving Zebras…" Sergio interjected, shooting the two ponies a disapproving glance.

"Sorry girls, but it looks as if we are on a turn and burn," Dorothy shook her head slowly. "From here, we are heading straight to the Zebra Nation… then straight back." She then paused for a moment before dropping the ten ton wrecking ball. "17 hours to get there, 3 for off load and another 17 to get back." With blank looks and astonished faces gaping back at her, Judy quickly finished with, "We're looking at a round trip of roughly 37 hours…"

"Say what?!" Berryshine demanded.

"But… but what about the Wonderbolts?" Sea Breeze whimpered. "We aren't just going to leave them there are we?"

"Shee-it," Gallan crossed his arms over his chest. "Tell me I'm not going to be locked up in this tin can with a bunch of crybabies."

"Eeeyup…" was all Mac said.

"Alright, fun time's over." I interrupted before the mares could hurt Judy. "Go make sure that all of the shit's squared away."

"Yes sir..." They groaned, before going off to do that.

"I'll be in the passenger cabin, if anybody needs me." Time Turner said, trotting off.

"Just don't put a hole in the side!" I yelled after him, before looking at Sergio.

"Left 4 Dead 2." We both said simultaneously, and ran off towards the galley.

Author's Note

That trip I was talking about will eventually be a separate one-shot.

You Don't Get Peanuts

"Get some!" I half shouted, spewing bullets from my acquired M60 at a tank in the campaign the Parish on Expert. First time through this map, and I'm playing the second hardest difficulty. About fifty feet or so behind me, Sergio (Ellis) was being helped up by Coach, due to a lucky chunk o' pain that the tank threw at his face. Next to Nick (me), Rochelle took another concrete brick and went down.

'This game seems very... violent.' Apple and the rest of the ponies commented.

"It's rated 'M' for a bloody reason." I answered back. "It's not just for the swearing and beer cans lying everywhere."

"Still." Big Mac muttered, oddly fascinated by this anyway.

"Well, that went well." I said after the tank died, and my M60 had roughly one bullet left.

And then a tank spawned in the cargo hold.

We found out when the campaign finished and I went down to the hold to check up on some odd noises.

I found a black dude sitting on a box, eating an MRE.

"..." We stared at each other, before I looked around some more. Four others stared back, all dressed up in WWII tank gear.

"Well... This is awkward." I muttered, rubbing the back of my head. "I'm a general, so if you shoot me I'll have you court marshaled." I added when I saw one of them edging towards what looked like a Grease gun (sub-machine gun, not the tool).

"Sorry sir, can't be too careful with the Nazi's." The guy replied, relaxing a little.

"I take it you're wondering where you are?" I questioned, sitting down on an industrial strength box.

"That'll be good to hear, sir." One of the others answered, sitting on the turret.

"Currently you're in a Lockheed C-5B Galaxy flying over the Atlantic Ocean going on a relief mission for a country in Africa. The location's in Somalia."

Elsewhere, two Rangers suddenly shivered violently.

"What's a C-5B?" The guy on the turret asked in confusion.

"It's a cargo plane that was created after your time." I sighed, before looking up. "We're roughly 1.65 billion years into the future, and the only humans who're living right now had to die to get here."

"I told you we had AT fire incoming!" One of them exclaimed, jabbing a finger at what I assumed to be the driver.

"You ever try to turn around in an alley? It's really damn hard!" He yelled back. I couldn't help but facepalm.

"You were in a tank. Just go through a damn building." I said.

"Tell that to the fact that the buildings on both sides had friendly forces." The driver muttered, crossing his arms.

"Good point." I muttered, before walking around the tank.

"'Crocodile' Sherman..." I muttered, looking it over. "It looks to be in good condition, save for some small arms fire scratching the paint." After looking on the treads, I resisted to facepalm again. "How many Germans did you run over?"

"Roughly twenty." The driver shamelessly said. At that moment, I was glad that Schmidt stayed in Ponyville.

"Well, there's only one German now, and he's harmless." I said, getting mixed reactions out of them.

"Silence!" Time Turner yelled, causing all of them to turn to him.

"Look at yourselves!" He said, pointing a hoof at them. "All of you are humans, and yet you continue to bicker! That German back in town is no different from you, besides skin color and nationality!"

"He's a Nazi!" The one on the turret yelled.

"Then you must consider me a Nazi as well, since I'm a third fucking German." I snarled, causing him to look unsure of himself.

"Back in the town we left, we have a BAR gunner working alongside Schmidt, and he has no qualms with him!" Time Turner continued, leaving out the fact that it took the Discord incident to make Gallan stop the subtle hostilities. "If a person who had to directly interact with the Germans could get past the outside emotions and thoughts and accept him, why can't you five?"

"When you put it that way..." The driver muttered, before nodding. The others nodded as well, and Turner grinned.

"And that's why I like you humans!" He exclaimed, pointing a hoof at them. "Always willing to look past what's on the outside, when prompted to!"

"Add to the fact that a horse is more willing to accept a human than other humans, and I find this disgusting." I muttered, shaking my head.

"Alright!" I clapped, startling one of them. "I need you to tell me your names and what you do."

"Private Legaski, .50 gunner." The first one saluted.

"Colonel Andrews, Tank Commander." Another one said, also saluting.

"Sergeant Hill, Gunner." The one on the turret said, giving a mock salute.

Private First Class Moore, Driver." The driver said, crisp salute.

"Lieutenant Blake, Radio Operator." The last one said, giving a nod as he continued eating.

"General Durnkinscoff." I said with a nod, before looking behind me. "Go on and meet the rest of the crew, they're in the galley."

"Aye aye!" They said, slipping off and heading to where I pointed.

"I'm getting too old for this..." I sighed, slumping against the tank.

"If it's any consolation, I'm over a thousand years old now." Time Turner said, causing me to roll my eyes.

"You're a Time Lord, it's different." I said, smiling a little despite myself.

"Difference is relative." He dismissed, before looking at me all serious like. "I hope you're making the right choice, coming on this trip. Disaster seems to follow you, rather subtly. Outrage at the peace treaty between Chrysalis and Equestria. When Nightmare Moon returned in a peaceful way. And now this. Not all of the zebras are starving and we both know it."

"I know..." I sighed, sliding into a sitting position. "The same thing happened in the same exact location a long time ago. I ordered Callum and Duran not to come because they died there over a billion years ago..."

"And you feel as if you're walking one of the others on this plane to their deaths." Turner said, staring me in the eyes.

"Exactly. I know I can't control who dies or why, but I know we're going to be stuck there without reinforcements for almost two days and the only ammunition we have is magic and what bullets we brought with us."

"If it helps, I'll stay with you all." Turner offered.

"I appreciate the offer, Doctor, but you'll only get in the way. Whether it be good or bad, I don't know. But go back on to Equestria with the others and don't be on the flight back." I said. He pondered for a moment, before grinning a little on what I implied he do instead. I purposely left him that loophole to exploit.

"I promise." He said, nodding.

"Good. Now, let's go get food." I said, accepting his hoof and standing up, before walking to the galley for some grub.

"Just remember," Sergio called out, "that the cake is a lie."

[In Sugarcube Corner]

One second Pinkie was just standing next to me, putting the icing on a five layer cake, the next she exploded, screaming about how everything was a lie.

I attempted to calm her down, but it wasn't working, even as she started foaming at the mouth.

Knew It

The sun was just starting to rise in the east as Judy angled Hannah for our final approach into the Southern Zebra Nation's capital, her idea of having the zebra's light smoke pots in order to guide us to the makeshift runway was a stroke of pure brilliance. I doubt we would have found the cleared strip otherwise…

Nah, we'd have found it after a while of circling a few countries.

For those who don't know (like us at first) is that there are three factions of Zebras.

The Northern Zebra Kingdom, consisting of what used to be Ethiopia, Kenya , Djibouti, and Eritrea… so pretty much the whole of the eastern horn of Africa. The Southern Zebra Nation, which consisted of Tanzania, Uganda, and Somalia(where we are landing) . And The Holy Zebra Republic, which took up most of South Africa. Madagascar probably had its own tribe, but meh.

Now, one would think that the three nations, or Tribes as they like to call themselves, of black and white stripped 'ponies' would get along… but you would be wrong. Like the ponies of Equestria before Heart's Warming Eve, the three tribes of Zebras were at odds. Well, the NZK and the HZR were at odds, teetering on the brink of war as they jockeyed for power. The NZK was the seat of power for the royal Zebra Family, while the HZR was a land of religious zealots.

This left the Southern Zebra Nation, or SZN, caught in the middle as a buffer zone.

The problem was, while neither the NZK or the HZR held any hostility towards the SZN, if either tribe tried to help out their starving and dying brethren, the other tribe would see it as open act of hostility towards them… IE, "You are trying to sway our middle sibling to your side of this conflict, have-at-thee!" and that would be an open act of war. So neither side was lifting an appendage to help out in any way.

That was until Sunbutt intervened.

While we were on our 17 long hours of flight, she had masterfully negotiated a pact of non aggression between Equestria and the three tribes. So as long as the HZR and the NZK kept to their sides the boarders, and no harm befell either her little ponies, or the Equestrian Humans, Equestria would only step in and help the SZN with food, water, and medicine until they could recover on their own.

Dear Lord in heaven; please don't let this snowball into a shit storm! Even though I don't believe in you, I have plenty of Christians to sacrifice or whatever it is they do to please you.

Landing was the easiest part, dirt was kicked up into a huge plume and gravel bounced off the belly of the C-5 as she lumbered down the runway, finally coming to a stop some 50 yards from the end. Once Judy had skillfully turned Hanna around, the engines shut down and we got to work. What we hadn't planned on, was the swarming mass of starving zebras that surged forth once the C-5 had stopped.

Starving zebras are the closest I ever want to get to a zombie horde. Sadly, that crap in the Everfree happened, but that wasn't a proper horde.

As the tail ramp slowly dropped we got our first look at hell, and considering some of the placed I had been deployed, that's saying something. Their eyes, ringed in crust goo, were sunk into hollow cheeked faces while their bones threatened to rip tight out of their paper thin skin. Most, if not all had sores and lacerations scattered across their unkempt hide. And then there was the smell…

Jesus, that smell. Like that one time the fam went down to Key West and we took a pit stop at a porta-john. Lord, the smell reminded me exactly of that blue restroom of death and feces. I was glad that I had some paranoiac impulse to bring a gas mask or else we'd be using whatever shrubbery we could to take a shit instead.

Anyway...

Luckily, the moment Max saw the wave of the hungry, he had stopped the rear ramp from going any lower. If he hadn't we would have been swamped.

"Wonderbolts to the line," I ordered. "Get out there and drive them back non-lethally!"

The Wonderbolts hovered a few feet over the ground and formed a 'U' shaped wedge, with their wings flapping away, they kicked up a lot of dust and dirt and used it to drive the hoard back. Out of nowhere, armed zebra guards joined in and soon enough the crowd of zebras were at a safe distance for us to let the unloading to begin.

I knew as soon as I saw them that they were armed militia for some cocksure warlord, but didn't say anything. All I wanted to know right now is how the fuck they had pony versions of automatic crossbows and body armor. I'm not talking about that shitty day guard armor, I mean body armor armor.

"Crocodile ready to leave." Andrews called from his perch next to the flamethrower barrel, thompson in his grip. About three crates of veggie MREs were secured by rope, duct tape, and super glue, in that order.

"Let 'er go, Andrews." I said, walking down the ramp, cradling my weapon, erring on the side of caution. Moore sent the tank rolling forward, the Wonderbolts shifting slightly due to the noise.

"Listen up!" I called out, not getting the zom- zebras' attention. I sighed, raised my rifle into the air (M14), and let off two rounds to shut them up. The sound, both foreign and loud, caught their attention immediately. After a moment, I nodded to myself and lowered it.

"Form a line!" I called out. "Foals and elderly up front!"

"What are we getting first?" A middle aged zebra asked from about twenty feet away.

"Medical care." I answered. "Followed by some water and then food rations."

"Ready on our end, Mark." Max's voice crackled to life, causing my mouth to gravitate towards my shoulder.

"Bring out the tents and set the aid one up first." I told him, and several moments later a canvas pile o' crap floated out and in front of the line, becoming a tent with a red + over the flap. Thompson proceeded to slip inside with two of the other medical staff (one being Zecora), and the line slowly started moving forward.

"Who are you?" A zebra no older than five asked, shaking a little from the hunger she was experiencing. I crouched down in front of her to answer.

"Joint American and Equestrian Red Cross, young one." I answered, smiling warmly.

"Cool..." She said in awe, her eyes sparkling a little. I rubbed her hair and gently nudged her into the tent, before standing back up.

"How's it going, Doc?" I asked after a while, looking around as the zebras looked at the MREs with extreme hunger. The 'Crocodile' had the flamethrower subtly facing them and a little upwards, should they try to get at the rations.

"Pretty well, actually. Most of the zebras are just suffering from severe dehydration and starvation." He called out, hesitating a little. "But some of them have diseases that Zecora is making absolutely sure that they're not contagious."

"Just fucking great..." I muttered, going around to where water was being distributed. It was a second tent, slightly smaller, where barrels that were filled from the fuel tanks had zebras crowded around them, drinking deeply. Judy and Sergio were supervising them, making sure none actually drowned.

"Going well so far, sir." Judy said with a salute. Apple poked her head out and did several sniffing motions, before frowning.

'I smell... anger. Anger and blood lust.' She said, causing me to tense up.

'Where?' I asked, frowning slightly. Since I pretty much had a small frown on my face since day -1,000 in Equestria (since I joined the Corps), it went unnoticed.

Pinks was doing her damnest to get me to stop.

'Pretty much everywhere. The only genuine happiness is coming from the nearby zebras.' She replied, causing me to facepalm.

'That's because this was a shitstorm for Somalia over a billion years ago. From the location, it was right here, too.' I muttered.

"Hey, where are we exactly? In Somalia?" Sergio asked, looking up briefly from a half opened barrel.

"Bakara Market." I answered. "We were doing something eerily similar in the 90's alongside the UN." I added, causing Sergio to frown. He was about to say something, but caught a box that was thrown at his face. Judy and I caught a box for each of us.

"You guys look hungry. I know you didn't have breakfast, and it's dinner now." Legaski said, confusing Sergio.

"But it's only 1 o'clock." He said, causing Legaski to nod.

"Exactly. It's time for dinner. We're passing out those 'MREs' of yours to the zebras now, so they can have some dinner too." Legaski said, confusing him even more.

"Legaski, Sergio thinks you're talking about supper." I said, holding back a laugh. "To him, it's lunch time. Supper and dinner are basically the same thing in our time." I explained, causing Legaski to nod.

"I'll have to tell the others that. The zebras were confused when we told them." He said, causing me to look at the box in hand.

US ARMY FIELD RATION K
DINNER

"Oh lord..." I muttered, knowing that this was a thing that the M4 'Crocodile' Sherman's tank crew was probably forcing onto us because they didn't want to see it anymore. Except for the cigarettes, which were missing.

"What is it?" Sergio asked, taking a seat on a barrel and opening it up.

"Throw me the pack of smokes you have, I need one." I said as I twisted the key for the can, opening it up to reveal a can o' pork. A minute later, I took a package of cigarettes to the chest as I was eating my pork. Time Turner came over (and to the surprise of Judy and Sergio), ate all of the pork I offered to him. We shared a quick giggle before he began telling me what he really came here for.

"The food's almost fully distributed and Duffy finished showing them how to cook it." He said, pacing in front of me a little. "And the militia who appeared out of nowhere weren't like the ones in the 90's. When the food was first handed out to them, they gave their portions to the foals."

"I did say that they were led by a warlord." I told him. "Never said if that warlord was kind to them or not."

"True, but some of the injuries on them were from bolts, not disease or natural causes." He said, causing me to nod.

"Opposing bands, then." I muttered, rubbing my chin. "The Bakara Market is now considered a safezone until further notice. Go tell Duffy."

"Alright." He chirped, before trotting away. I knew he was pleased that we haven't fucked everything up as of yet, as was par with the Marines. Hell, I'm a Marine and I say that the USMC stands for 'Uncomplicated Shit Made Complicated'.

"...Did Time Turner just eat pork?" Sergio finally said, staring after the stallion in disbelief.

"Yep. And he liked it." I answered, hopping off with my rifle in hand. "See ya later, chair force." I called out, feeling a subtle middle finger be flashed my way. I knew Sergio didn't know what I called them, but Judy knew it was in good fun.

Half an hour later, I found that the opposing warlord to our warlord had a lot more zebras, but from what I saw, they had less training and inferior equipment after comparing a few on each side.

"Well, we've hit a clusterfuck..." I muttered, drawing my rifle and standing to my full height. Let 'em think I'm an odd looking minotaur or diamond dog, since I overheard one or two of them mutter that about us.

"What do we do?" Max asked, holding an M5 he had collected from the Galaxy.

"The flight crew will go back to Equestria." I said, glaring at him. "And if you even think of arguing, I will pull rank. You have civilians on the crew, so I'm not letting them be put into danger."

"Aye aye." He said, going after the crew.

Clusterfuck

"We're ready to leave." Max said about two minutes later, the stare down between us and the hostile zebras still taking place.

"Gather up some willing families with foals and leave with them." I said, glancing over the crowd. "And once you get inside, yell out 'time for part of the debt to be repaid'."

"Why do you want me to do that?" Max asked in confusion.

"Fail-safe I had in place in case something like this happened. Get on it." I replied, returning my attention back to the ranks of zebras.

'Of all the times I didn't bring grenades...' I muttered to Apple, who was still in my pocket.

'At least your body armor keeps you from getting hit in the chest by an arrow.' She replied. 'Only reason I'm not going back home, myself.'

'They won't pierce your shell. It'll hurt like a bitch, but it'll bounce off.' I said, grinning as the zebras went inside, and the door started closing. Right before the Galaxy took off, I was barely able to see about fifty flies land within our ranks.

"You all might want to just leave." I growled at the zebra in charge of the enemy. I could tell he was the leader since he was less hungry than the others.

"What makes you think we will, freak?" He snarled, cocking a crossbow and aiming it at me.

"Even numbers and superior training." I answered without hesitation.

"Hah! You only have fourty zebras and whatever you freaks are! We have over a hundred zebras!" He laughed, before shooting me. Instead of piercing my skin like he thought it would, the arrow shattered as it struck my projectile-proof (up to sniper round) vest.

"Return fire!" I yelled, letting bullets go flying as I crouched behind a overturned barrel to let the bipof for my M60E4 help hold it up. "Avoid the civilians!"

Bullets went flying, and suddenly there were fifty 'Ranger' changelings among our ranks, letting off magical blasts. All of the changelings were outfitted with salt water tanks and masks, both giving them a source of food and extra protection at a cost of reduced mobility.

"Watch out!" A voice yelled out, causing me to turn in time to see an arrow whizzing into my throat.

[3rd Person]

"The General's hit!" Hill yelled over the roar of the BAR one of the tank crew was using.

"Cover me!" Thompson yelled, crouch-running towards the man who had an arrow sticking out of his neck. The others who were still standing fired at any zebra who aimed even remotely close towards the medic.

When he skidded to a stop, a changeling young'un slapped Mark's head, leaving a red welt.

'Stay awake daddy!' She cried out mentally, shaking him a little more.

"Stay with us Goddammit!" Thompson hissed, digging out some gauze and pressing it against the wound.

"Can't breath too well..." Mark wheezed out, feebly reaching for his sidearm.

"Shut up goddammit, your windpipe's been punctured." Thompson grunted, holding down Mark's arm. "I gotta move you, because it's too dangerous to fix your ass up here." To reinforce this statement, a few arrows whizzed half an inch over Thompson's head.

"Somebody fucking detain the guy who fired those arrows!" Andrews yelled, taking command since he was the highest ranking human fighting at the moment. "I bet our Kraut friend will love having him as a prisoner!"

One of the little known facts is that while Schmidt doesn't usually enjoy torture, he will do it to somebody who kills or almost kills a medic. One of the things that happened a lot on the Eastern Front.

"I got him!" Blake yelled, popping a few bullets from a M1 Carbine into the legs of a backtracking zebra.

"Somebody help me get Mark to cover!" Thompson yelled, and three Ranger changelings came to his aid.

"We'll move him." They said. Thompson nodded and helped get Mark onto their backs, before running with them behind a wall about a hundred feet away.

"Wall of fire on the enemy!" Andrews yelled, causing Moore and Hill to climb back into the 'Crocodile' to carry out his orders.

"Fuck!" Blake yelled, dropping his carbine to clutch at a arrow sticking out of his chest.

"Blake!" Legaski yelled, rushing towards the second lieutenant as he sunk to his knees, before hitting the ground, dead.

"He's dead Legaski! Get on that fifty and give 'em hell!" Andrews yelled, before taking an arrow to the face.

"Goddammit! Stay the FUCK BEHIND COVER!" First lieutenant Blake yelled, frowning behind his mask at the fact that he suddenly had to protect this strip of land for two days.

"'Crocodile' ready for duty." Moore said as the tank lurched forward, the barrel spewing out death by fire. An unsuspecting zebra was caught in the flames, screeching as he was cooked to death. As the tank rolled forward, Legaski took the time to crawl onto the top of it and load up the .50 machine gun to use it.

"Laying down suppressing fire!" Legaski yelled out, pressing down the trigger and letting a spew of bullets go out the end of the barrel. If he were to hold the HMG like a normal weapon, it would be promptly rising like a bullet-spewing erection. The zebras were forced to take cover, and found out that whatever they hid behind would either be ripped to shreds by machine gun fire or set alight by the flamethrower.

"They're retreating!" Blake yelled after sticking his head out from behind a wall, his helmet more than enough to deflect an arrow.

"Should we go after them, sir?" Legaski called out.

"No. Regroup and hold down the fort. We're here to distribute food and medicine, not go after zebra clans." Blake said as he reloaded his AA-12 and .357 revolver.

"Yes sir." Legaski said, sliding off of the tank and started helping the others move the dead and wounded.

[Mark's POV]

"Ugh... Dawn?" I groaned, noticing the red and black alicorn standing over me, wearing a slight frown.

"He's hallucinating!" A voice yelled out. "I need an IV! That second arrow struck his femoral artery!"

"They can't see me, Mark." Dawn said with a small shake of his head. "Not when I'm like this; only the dying can see me."

"You've come to take me away?" I questioned. Apple looked down at me with worry crossing over our mental link.

"...Not you." He sighed. "You're teetering on the line as to where I would, though. I've come for some of the tank crew. Blake and Andrews."

"Shit..." I sighed, looking over at the bodies that were laid down next to each other. What was really startling was that there were copies of them sitting on the bodies.

"Those are their souls." Dawn explained. "If you died, that's how you would look, too."

"Christ..." I sighed, before looking at the people working on me. It was Zecora, one of the ponies that stayed behind since she was a nurse, and Thompson. Dawn and everyone else started to fade from my vision.

"Have a nice rest, Mark." Dawn said, before turning to Blake and Andrews. "I know you need it."

"See you in whenever..." I muttered, before passing out.

Relief for the Relief

'How're you feeling?' Apple asked me once she noticed that I was struggling to sit up.

"Like I got shot in both the thigh and the throat." I answered, wincing as it hurt to talk.

"I could get court-marshaled for saying this, but shut the fuck up." Thompson said from a few feet away. "And I'm completely serious when I say that it's in your best interest to not talk."

"In other words, I can only say stuff to my daughter?" I questioned, raising my eyebrow.

"Pretty much." He said, looking over at Zecora as she patched up a zebra. The dude had two bullet holes in his forelegs, confusing me.

'Friendly fire?' I asked Apple, sliding into a sitting position.

'He actually fired at Isaac.' She answered, causing me to frown.

'Schmidt's gonna love him.' I said, looking around for a radio.

"The radio's busted." Blake said, jogging over to me. "Three arrows in it before the Sherman started torching the militia. Doc told me what happened, by the way."

I told him, through the ancient art of military sign language, that he's temporarily promoted to one star general, slapped into the USMC, and put in charge of the operation until reinforcements arrive.

Fuck that. That'd take me all day to sign out to him, I just wrote it down on a MRE package and showed it to him.

"How long until the relief gets here?" Thompson asked Blake, who frowned.

"The radio in the Sherman doesn't have enough range to get a hold of the C-5." He answered. "Two days max is all I can say."

'Dawn will make sure that we get enough reinforcements.' I told Apple while carefully eating from the MRE once I got the green light from Thompson.

'What makes you say that?' She asked, tilting her head to the side.

'He saw how bad it was when he took Blake and Andrew to where ever the fuck he took them.' I answered.

'You were able to see him?' Apple asked.

'I'm not going to lie; I almost died a few hours ago.' I sighed, slumping a little. 'I lost way too much blood for it to be healthy, and he commented that I was very close to needing his services.' Apple merely stared up at me, eyes watering a little.

'Well, at least you're okay now.' She said, hugging my chest as best as she could. I simply rubbed her head as a reply, before looking around the improvised camp the humans have made. With a groan, I stood up and braced myself as I felt like losing my MRE all over my boots (and Apple, since she slipped down when I stood up).

'Jesus Christ...' I hissed in pain, barely holding down my food.

[In Ponyville, several hours later]

Even though Judy had radioed ahead, Max was still surprised to not only find Dawn waiting as the rear ramp descended, but Moon, Luna, Cadence, and his beloved Celestia there as well. "Before anypony blows a fuse," he started, raising his hands slightly to stave off the questions as three hundred zebra fillies, mares, and foals lined up behind him. "Mark told me to load up as many females and young that wanted to leave and bug the hell out…"

"Max, that's not why we are here." Luna said as she stepped up. "But I will let Dawn fill you in after we take care of the refugees."

"On behalf of Equestria and Ponyville, we welcome all of you," Moon announced as Mayor Mare stood at her side. "If you would please follow us, we have a place already set up for you."

While Max stepped aside and waited patiently for the passengers to disembark the plane, Dawn and Celestia had slided up. "There are two warlords vying for control of the refugees," he said, not even waiting for either to ask about what happened. "One of the lords is heavily equipped with armor and weapons, and is willing to help out with dividing up the supplies…"

"But," Celestia asked.

"I found out from, Zorie, the mare who ran an orphanage," he continued, "that once an orphan reaches the right age, the guy takes and sells the foals to the Minotaur and/or the Cat Kingdoms as slaves, using the money (they don't really use bits) to back his military might…"

"Slavery," Cadence blanched, her sharp ears picking up the world. "How horrible…"

"That's nothing," Max sighed heavily as the love princess joined in on the conversation. "The other warlord, at least in my book, needs to be dragged into the street and shot."

"Max, how could…" but Cadence was shushed by her aunt.

"Please elaborate on that for us," Celestia asked, looking a bit hurt that her consort would suggest such an act.

"The other guy sees orphans, and the elderly as a drain on much needed recourses," Max's voice slowly dropped to a whisper. "So he's taken to… to cutting off the loose ends."

"You don't mean," Cadence gasped, the slow nod Max gave her making her sick. "By Celestia, how could anypony do such a thing?"

Max didn't bother to answer, instead his eyes were on Judy and Big Mac as they met up with Granny Smith and Applebloom. As he watched, Judy reached into the harness Mac had on and pulled forth a very young zebra foal… "Oh my gosh, she has a horn," Applebloom cried gleefully. "We have a unicorn in the family… yee-haw!"

"Before any of you ask, neither of the warlords care what happens to half-breeds, however the religious zealots see half-breeds as a blight to Zebra purity and actively hunt them down." Slowly he turned away from the happy family to gaze at the princess of love, "The moment Judy and Mac learned that Zorie was hiding a three month old half unicorn filly, they decided to adopt her while we were still in flight… they named her Applespice."

"Ooh, I have to go see…" Cadence suddenly squealed and trotted off.

"Now that she's out of the way," Max moved his attention toward Dawn. "You had something to tell me?"

"Not long after the C-5B lifted off from the Southern Zebra Nation," Dawn sighed for it was his turn to give bad news. "Two of the Sherman tank's crew were killed and Mark was badly injured during battle…"

Max stood motionless for a good two seconds before he suddenly spun on his heels, and marched over to where Anon and Moon were presiding over the Zebras. "Yo, Lt…" he called as he caught up and pulled Mark's other self aside and filled him in…

"I need all humans front and center in five!" Anon roared out before shooting Dawn a harsh look, "When this thing is over, we are going to have a little chat."

"What is going on sir?" Schmidt inquired after running over from where Twilight was cooing over Applespice.

"We're mobilizing in ten!" Anon announced.

"What? Why?" Gallan asked in confusion, Pinks next to him.

"The General got himself ass-deep into trouble and we have to go bail him out." Anon said. "Hopefully before the bastard dies."

While Anon barked orders, Max sidled up to Judy and whispered the news. Though she kept her cool, he could see the question in her eyes. "Stay with Big Mac and Spice, I'll come get you when Hanna is loaded and we are ready to fly."

"Thanks T-Rex…" Judy whispered.

"Max," Celestia pulled her human aside, "can I have a moment?"

"Sure," he nodded.

"Max, I don't want you to go back…" She said.

"Huh?"

"I was fine with you helping with the relief effort," her big magenta eyes pleaded as she spoke. "But this is different, I don't want you getting hurt… or worse."

"Celestia, I have to go," he gave her a warm smile, even as he realized she was shivering with fear… fear for his life. Oh so gently he reached out and pulled her close…

[6 hours after loading, and a long 17 hour flight]

Two Humvees and a M-Rap were moving even before the rear ramp of the C-5 was down all the way. Then came the troops, 20 day guards, 20 night guards and 20 death guards, all responding to Anon as he directed them to the line. Several of the death guards went into the medical tent to relieve Doc, Zecora, and Dr. Steelhooves to help treat the wounded.

Afterword, once all the relief supplies were off loaded, Max descended and headed for the command tent with two oddly colored weapons. A unicorn death guard was with him to heal Mark.

Once Max had convinced the sun princess that he was needed, she took it upon herself to make sure her human would return to her. To this end she had gathered her two sisters and created a few gifts. "Hey there Mark," he called as he first saluted his commander, before setting a wrapped package down before him. At the same time, a healing beam struck Mark's neck and the hole in both his windpipe and throat closed.

[Mark's POV]

"What the fuck is this," I glanced down at the package (glad to be able to talk again), but then my sharp eyes saw the weapon strapped to the Master Sergeant's back. "And is that…"

Pulling the weapon, Max let a wicked smiled cross his lips. "It a Type-51 Covenant Carbine…" he said as he flipped the power to ON. "However it was made by Celestia, so while its nonlethal, it will still put a Minotaur on his ass and out cold."

I couldn't help but have a fangasm. Meanwhile, Apple was sitting on the table and opening up the package for me, since I couldn't really move too much.

Another Nightmare

"Well, I think ol' Sunbutt deserves a kiss when I get back." I happily said as I started getting suited up in my 'authentic' ODST armour. Hell, she even made the goddamn helmet! "How strong is the armour?"

"Made out of pure titanium." Max answered. "Only thing that can get through is magic and dragon fire."

"Fiddy rounds?" I asked as Apple helped me with the back, her wings buzzing like a dragonfly.

"Depends on where it hits." He answered. "Calves and forearms are less protected when compared to the torso and head."

I would have said something, but somebody in the medical tent took the opportunity to start screaming. In fear or pain, I didn't know.

It took me about twenty seconds to pull the gift that Lunacae made for me out of another box (DMR that takes 5.56mm bullets) and rush the fuck out of there. I wasn't surprised that anyone who saw me was confused as fuck, but I didn't care about that. Instead, I hauled ass towards the tent holding the screaming bastard, Apple clinging to a shoulder guard.

And before you ask; I couldn't run any faster nor did I feel stronger. It was just a boost up from my usual armor. I did, however, have a HUD that linked with the rifle in my hands, so that was a plus. Also had a health bar, to boot. Add in an air conditioning spell and I was one happy 'ODST'.

"Who's fucking screaming?!" I demanded once we burst through the flaps, weapons at the ready. I had found out really quickly that the DMR would take M16 magazines, probably on the suggestion of Max or Anon.

"It's Thompson!" A mare yelled, struggling to keep him down. "He just woke up screaming bloody murder!"

"Fucking goddammit, I was right!" I hissed, running over to him and kneeling. "Thompson, listen to me." I ordered as I grabbed his shoulders firmly. He looked up at me with watery eyes, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I-It hurt..." He whimpered. "So much goddamn pain..."

"Shhh..." I gently said, holding him closely against my armor. "It's alright... You're safe now..."

"Who was it, Doc?" Anon quietly said.

"P-P-P..." He couldn't get her name out, but Anon winced anyway.

"Goddamn..." He sighed. "No wonder he's like this..."

"Go talk with Max, Anonymous." I told my double. "Tell him what you believe Doc went through, while I calm him down."

"Aye aye." They said, and stepped off to the side. I overheard Anon telling Max about something involving cupcakes, before turning my attention back to Doc.

At that moment, Gallan stepped in with his BAR pointing at the ground. If I wasn't wearing my helmet, I think the scream that came from Doc would've burst my eardrums.

"GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!" Doc shouted, and before we could react (his scream was similar to a flashbang), he ripped my pistol from a magnetic clamp on my thigh and fired a bullet at the man. Thankfully, he missed.

"CALM THE FUCK DOWN!" I yelled, grabbing his wrist. The next shot didn't miss, but thankfully only embedded a bullet into Gallan's leg as he backpedaled out of the tent, landing on his ass outside.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Doc roared, struggling to get me off of him.

"Somebody fucking knock him out, goddammit!" I shouted, struggling to disarm the crazed man. It took three death guards to get him down with my help and another to cast a spell on him to knock him out.

"Seems that it featured Gallan on him or something..." Anon muttered as I disarmed an unconscious Doc.

"Now." I grunted. "What. The FUCK. Happened to him?" I all but growled.

"He featured in a grimdark fanfiction that starred Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie." Anon answered. "In the original version, it also featured Applebloom as Pinkie's apprentice or something, about to do to Silver Spoon what Pinkie did to Rainbow Dash."

"And what in the hell happened to Dash?" I asked, folding my arms.

"It's better to let you read the fanfic for yourself. I have it saved on my laptop." He said, before shrugging off his backpack and putting the mobile computer onto a table after moving blood packs to the side. "I know a few people who've vomited while reading this, but that's mostly because they're squeamish." He added as we waited.

A typed password and some moving later, I was reading a fanfic dubbed 'Cupcakes' out loud, much to the disgust of everyone in the tent.

"...Applebloom grinned and open her mouth 'Hey, Silver Spoon, guess who gonna be a blank flank?'...Jesus Christ." I finished, as Max came back over from gagging at the description of Dash having her internal organs ripped out. "Well, I'm glad that I didn't have that goddamn fanfic as a dream." I said in disgust, pushing the laptop away.

"I can understand that." Max coughed, wiping some bile from his mouth. "Still, I pity Doc for what he had to go through..."

"All I want to know is where Gallan comes into play with this whole thing..." I muttered, taking off my helmet and pushing a gloved hand through my hair with a sigh.

"The only thing I can think of is that he helped Pinkie dissect either Rainbow Dash/him, or both." Max finally said. Gallan took that moment to pop his head in cautiously.

"Is it safe, or am I allowed to shoot back?" He asked, looking around the room. Upon seeing Doc lightly (at Anon's 'insistence') tied up, he sighed in relief and limped in.

"Couldn't you get a unicorn to pull it out?" I asked. He rubbed the back of his head and grinned a little sheepishly.

"All of the guards are either securing the perimeter or handing out relief supplies." He explained. "I didn't want to interrupt him when I could just get someone else to pull the bullet out with a pair of tweezers."

"We don't have any sterile tweezers around..." I said after a moment, before sighing and turning into Sand Dune. To my surprise, the armor changed with me.

"Why'd whatever type of armor that was do that?" Gallan asked as I moved over to his leg, making him take a seat with a pained grunt.

"Because Sunbutt knows I'm not just human anymore." I answered, pulling back his pants so I could get better access to the wound. "Hell, so far there's three of us that can do this, and I have a theory that I want to test when we get back, since I noted that every human had to come." Anon let out a nervous chuckle at that.

"What's the theory?" Gallan asked, hissing in pain as I dragged the bullet out carefully. I had to wait to explain, because I didn't want to fuck up and accidentally send the .45 out the other side of his leg. Or blow it off. I've accidentally done that before.

"Got it!" I chirped, dropping the bullet onto the ground, before looking at Max.

"What?" He asked, confused.

"Think about male Sunbutt." I said, confusing the fuck out of them.

"Why the hell would I do that?" He asked in confusion.

"Just do it." I pressed. He sighed, closed his eyes, and gained a constipation face.

A moment later, we were blinded.

"Goddamn..." Anon said once the lights filling our vision disappeared.

Standing where Max was is a male Celestia, looking at himself in confusion.

"The poison joke in your shampoo did this to you." I said, going human again.

"What does that mean?" Max asked, raising a eyebrow.

"It means that you have two forms, just like me." I answered. "Dawn told me that made me have another form as a guise to keep me from panicking."

"Did it work?" Anon asked as Max looked himself over, making sure nobody was fucking with him.

"He didn't need to." I answered with a grin. "I personally think Sand Dune is cool as all hell."

"How come? And you're fine with becoming a filly?" Max asked, looking at me.

"How many people do you know can shoot bullets out of a bone sticking from their forehead?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. Max muttered something before looking at me again.

"How do you get back in your human form?" He asked, pacing a little.

"I just think of my human body and here I am." I said with a wave down my body. His constipated face returned and another moment later (without flashbang effects) Max was human again.

"Right!" I said, clapping my gloved hands. "Let's get going, no?"

"Where the fuck did you get a Soviet accent?" Gallan asked as I helped him up.

"I can change them, mon ami." I said with a smirk, throwing a little French into the mix.

"Alright, alright." Gallan said, rubbing his face. "Stop using your fancy words all willy nilly."

"Let's get something to eat." I said.

[Later]

Crack.

A faint yelp of pain.

Crack.

Silence.

"Did you deliberately miss him, or am I going to have to grind your ass through ghetto boot camp?" I asked Duffy as I stood over him on a rooftop. The grunt coming from my foot told me that he was dicking around, and not degrading on his firing ability.

"How's it going?" Sparklebutt asked from behind us, while Duffy waited for another opportunity to end a militia's life. We weren't going for the more equipped warlord, yet, so we let him think nothing was wrong.

"Hot as hell out here, for one." I answered, not letting anybody know I had the most air conditioned suit in the entire group. Let me have a few luxuries, goddammit. "Both of us are also hungry and thirsty."

"Well, I brought some of the 'K Rations' that the survivors on that 'Crocodile' gave to me, along with some water." Sparky said. I grimaced but sat down and removed my helmet, pushing two of three water bottles over to Duffy.

"You need 'em more than I do." I told him, before cracking mine open and taking a gulp. After draining half the bottle, I opened the ration and ate my pork with distaste.

Goddammit, I've been eating them since I've gotten here, aside from the one MRE that Doc gave me.

Brief Negotiations

After managing to clear my windpipe (I wonder how nobody noticed that), I listened to Max. He went on about we Elements of Harmony fuckers could become Dream Warriors or some shit and ward off our own Chaos Nightmares.

And I just made a facepalm that would make Twilight proud, seeing as how she's been doing it a lot lately for some reason.

[Canterlot]

"I sense a disturbance in the jimmies..." Dawn muttered after looking up from his paperwork. The guard standing dutifully at the door merely raised an eyebrow, having gotten used to his commander's ramblings ages ago. And he had a good reflex since he has to also avoid a rubber stamp flying at high speeds.

[Back to Mogadishu]

Everyone was staring at me while my face created a very intimate relationship with my palm. In roughly half a second, they went out on their first date, got married, fucked one another, had several children, watched said brats grow up, grow old, and died at different intervals like most couples do.

"You alright, Mark?" Twilight asked once I gently placed my weeping palm back onto my lap.

"Nope." I answered, before pulling out a pen and some paper.

Another awesome thing about this armor is that it has it's own hammerspace pocket. It'll be handy in certain situations, like if we're on a sinking ship.

The boat's sinking? Lemme pull out this -grunt- sail boat... Hold on, it'll take a moment...

Anyway...

'Dear Moonbutt #1,

We're bloody stupid. When you get the chance, put us Elements of 'Manly' into the dream world so we can police our asses and ward off Discord's curse.

Signed, your friendly neighborhood blower-uper.'

"Send that off, would you kindly?" I asked Sparky, who rolled her eyes and flashed it out of being. Probably went to Sunbutt, but she knows which Moonbutt I'm talking about.

"What was that noise?" Fluttershy asked while flying over, and Duffy started tensing up. What was unknown at the time was that he had a dream about the pegasus.

I saw the rifle's barrel discretely point towards Fluttershy, and I tackled him.

"Get the rifle away from him!" I yelled at Max, wishing right now that Celestia had enchanted my bloody armor to make me stronger. I could only do so much to keep him from shooting Fluttershy, and apparently the curse bullshit made Duffy stronger as I was losing.

"I'll get Fluttershy out of here." Twilight said, before popping both of them away with a teleport.

"What in the FUCK was that about, Brandon." I growled, roughly pulling him to his feet.

"Nothing." He answered, shrugging off my grip. I crossed my arms and detinted my visor to let him see the glare I was sending.

"It's not nothing and you goddamn know it!" I wanted to yell, I seriously did. I just couldn't find the energy to. "If I hadn't noticed your movements, Fluttershy would be on the goddamn road with her brains spread across the building she was in front of!"

"Fine!" Duffy shouted, turning to me. "I had a goddamn nightmare about her last night! I don't even want to get into goddamn specifics, because every time I do I start hurting! Not even physically, it's mentally tearing me apart!"

"That explains it..." I sighed. "Luna better hurry her royal ass up, before one of the Elements turns up dead."

"I don't know what to do, Mark." Duffy admitted. "And it scares me."

"I'll tell you what to do." I grunted. "Stay on the C-5 until we leave. Don't leave the bird, and we'll keep Fluttershy out of there."

"If it'll keep me from harming her, that's fine with me." Duffy nodded, collecting his gear.

"Go with him, Max." I told the pilot. "Make sure to keep Fluttershy out of his sight."

"Aye aye." Max saluted, before the both of them went down the ramp I put up earlier. When they left, I sat down on the edge and tossed my helmet behind me, burying my face into my gloved hands.

[Four days later, because I'm an ass]

"We all get back home, and I'm stuck up here on this goddamn mountain..." I muttered, rubbing my tired eyes. The trip back was relaxing, but I couldn't even get off of the C-5 without having express orders from Sunbutt to come up to Canterlot for diplomatic reasons.

'At least I'm here, dad.' Apple said, perched on my shoulder.

'I'm more worried about what your mother will do when I finally get home.' I answered. Off to the side, Max spoke up.

"I'll stay here, if you want to head inside."

"Thank you Max, but I wouldn't be a good hostess if I did that," she said while keeping her pose neutral. "But that should be the last of ambassadors now… leave it to her to be fashionably late."

Blinking, Max turned his attention towards the dot in the sky, a dot that quickly grew into a beautiful black Gothic-style coach with bright green accents. Not to my surprise, the coach was pulled along by six changelings.

"Presenting," one of the day guards called out as the vehicle came to a stop before the red carpet. "The ruler of the Changling kingdom, Queen Chrysalis."

I couldn't help but grin as the giant bug stepped out, looking around before grinning back at me.

"She's the reason I'm here, isn't she?" I muttered to Celestia, as she was standing next to me.

"Yes." She replied, her voice still neutral. "Chrysalis, how good of you to join us," Celestia gave a nod of her head, though I could tell the smile on her lips was forced.

"It's nice to be back in Canterlot." the changeling purred happily. "As a welcomed guest that is." Then she looked at me. "I see that you've gained a new set of armor and a new toy, General." Chrysalis commented as she strode up to me.

"More or less." I answered, cracking my neck. "And I'm not too fond of my rank, so don't wave it around." Her attention soon shifted to the other human as we walked.

"And this must be your Consort..." I hope to God she was talking to Celestia.

"Rex, Max Rex," he nodded his head in respect.

"Interesting name you have there, great king." Chrysalis gave a light chuckle as she noticed his confusion.

"Never had somebody call you king before, Max?" I laughed, poking his chest.

"Not really, no." He muttered.

"Pretty much what you are now." I told him. "Considering you're banging Sunbutt." His face heated up while Chrysalis grinned like the predator she was.

"Moving on..." He managed to sputter, before looking at Sunbutt.

"The session will start as soon as we walk into the room, so all of you be on your best behaviors." Celestia said, before striding into the room, with Chrysalis right behind her. Right. Because Chryssie and I make a good pair for behaving.

"Any idea why she called this?" I asked Max as we slowly walked in after her.

"Archaeologists dug something up, older than Discord." He replied, while I frowned a little and tinted my visor.

"Thank you all for coming." Celestia said to the gathered ambassadors, quieting the room almost instantly. "Two days ago, several archaeologists had uncovered ruins in the badlands, where Queen Chrysalis' main hive resides."

"What does this have to do with all of us?" A minotaur questioned.

"The ruins date to pre-Discord." Celestia answered, quieting everyone.

"Do you have photographs of the ruins?" I asked, since nobody else wanted to.

"Of course." She nodded, and a small stack of pictures were passed around, starting with Chrysalis, who was at the other end of the room.

"What are we going to be doing about the situation in Africa?" Max asked Celestia. It was more of a formal thing to make everyone else aware of the topic.

"We're sending both relief supplies and guards over there to help the locals." She told him. We already knew.

"What's going on?" A gryphon asked.

"We're aiding the Southern Zebra Nation until they can get back on their hooves." She answered. "Any spare relief supplies will be welcome."

"We'll discuss that after the meeting, Princess." The chick said. Celestia nodded to her and returned to watching over the crowd. When the pictures finally got to us, I sighed and resisted slamming my head against the table in annoyance.

"What is it?" Max asked as I passed them to him.

"Been there before." I grunted. "Day before the planet froze."

"When was this?" Max asked.

"Several months ago." I answered, waving any other questions away.

About ten minutes later, the million dollar question appeared.

"Who will be leading an expedition into the ruins?" Celestia called out. Almost immediately, everyone started shouting, causing me to roll my eyes. With a small sigh, I raised my DMR into the air and let off three rounds, silencing them and probably scaring the shit out of whoever was above us. The bullets did pass through the ceiling. Makes me wonder how much Nightmare Moon amped up the power on this thing.

"I will." I grunted, standing up. "I know who made the structures, and I know how deadly some of the things are."

"What gives you the right?!" A cat hissed.

"Because it's my goddamn people's buildings!" I retorted. "Hell, I've been there before!"

"Ahem." Chrysalis got everyone's attention. "Since the ruins are in my territory, shouldn't I be the one to decide who goes in and who doesn't?"

"She's right." A dog said with thinly veiled disgust.

"Who will be going in then, Queen Chrysalis?" Celestia asked raising an eyebrow. Her grin got really scary.

"A certain changeling and her father, of course." She said, looking straight at Apple.

I swear to god, Sunbutt didn't see that coming. Hell, I didn't see that coming. I knew Chrysalis, and I guess this was her paying me back for saving her delicious booty at the wedding.

That's goddamn right, I'm attracted to a bug.

Dat Tank

"Well. that was anti-climatic." I muttered as I strode out of the hall with Apple on my shoulder. Not even a goddamn moment later, I was blinded by something appearing in a flash. When I was able to see again, there was a fucking WWI tank sitting in the middle of the hallway, the left side sticking out of the castle wall, since it was almost fourteen feet wide and the hallway was only ten feet wide.

"What the hell happened?!" A voice from inside shouted, while I took my helmet off and clipped it onto my side.

"Whatever you do, don't bloody move that thing!" I shouted, before turning to the stunned people behind me.

"Is that a damn horse?!" A voice shouted, probably looking down a barrel or something. I didn't see any of the hatches open.

"Don't yell at 'em, Celestia." I said before she could retort. "All I want to know, is why there's a fucking British Mark V tank?" From what I could tell, it was probably a Hermaphrodite model. Though I couldn't really see the other side, due to that being outside.

"That doesn't look like a tank, from what that 'Crocodile' is." Celestia muttered, getting closer to it.

"These were some of the first tanks built." I answered. "Primarily used to cross the trenches we dug in WWI. By the shouting going on inside it, the crew is the original one, since Germans captured them sometimes."

"How fast does it go?" She asked as a hatch on the top opened up and a crew member pulled himself out, looking around in confusion.

"The hell are we?" He asked me, frowning at Sunbutt.

"Inside a castle, balanced on the side of a mountain because some dumbfuck thought it was a good idea." I answered, folding my arms and cracking my neck. "But that's beside the point. You got any wounded in there?"

"Six pounder gunner got shot by a K bullet." He answered. "Didn't hit anything vital, which is a plus."

"If you can, get him up and out." I said. "After he's up, get the rest of the crew up and out so we can move the bloody thing."

"Got it." He nodded and popped back into the tank, shouting orders.

"What's a 'K bullet'?" Celestia asked.

"Early form of AP bullets." I answered. "German machine gunners used them all the time against these beasts, and it worked quite well on the early models."

"How thick's the armor?" Max asked. "I can't really tell, since I'm not a tank expert."

"Looks to be about 8mm thick." I answered. "My bloody DMR would enter through one end and go out the other."

"Jesus that's thin..." Max sighed. I could tell Celestia was confused.

"Take it this way, Princess," I started to explain. "The Crocodile has 70mm armor, while this has 8mm. A well placed grenade would rip the fuck out of this tank, while it might damage the engine on the Crocodile." At this point, two crew members were helping a third out, who had crimson splashed across his side and groaning in pain.

"Medic!" I called out, and a death guard popped into existence.

"You called?" She questioned. I pointed to the gunner and she nodded, her horn flaring and the dude hissed in pain. After a moment, his eyes widened and he pressed his palm against his side.

"The hell?" He said, before looking at the unicorn.

"Magic." She answered. "Both offensive and defensive capabilities. You just got completely healed of all ailments. I noticed that you were going deaf, and had a few minor wounds alongside the bullet wound. Do you smoke?"

"The tank crews were unfortunate to be in the same compartment as the engine." I told her. "They usually ended up dying due to the fumes from the gunpowder and the burning fuel. Wounds were probably from the interior paint and steel flaking into his face from bullet impacts."

"Eugh." Her muzzle scrunched up. "Alright, I've got a little bit of a job for me." She then looked at the crew.

"I need everyone up and out of there! And bring all weapons not attached to the tank!" I called out.

"Why are we listening to you, anyway?" The commander, if I was guessing correctly, asked.

"Because if you shoot that bloody six pounder at me, all it would do is knock me down." I answered. "Besides, I'm a general."

"Right." He said, before ordering everyone out with their weapons. When they grouped up in front of me, they put their weapons on the ground.

In the pile were eight Webley Revolvers, several Lee-Enfield rifles, and a few Mills bomb hand grenades.

"Alrighty." I sighed. "Time to get you caught up on modern weapons. I think we can reformat the Lee's (more than likely not), but might as well stop using the revolvers (even if they're the AK-47 of the revolver family)."

"Why's that, sir?" The healed gunner asked in confusion.

"Because we're up to 5.56mm automatic rifles that can bust through your tank easily." I answered. "Hell, we got a sniper who has a rifle that fires 7.62mm bullets."

"That doesn't seem too bad..." The driver muttered.

"That shit'll shred the fuck out of a lightly armored target at 1,000 meters, easily." I told him. "And we have body armor that's pretty much better than what your tank is made of. A bullet from the M24, maybe two, and a soldier's either dead or having his ass shipped home."

"Alright, I see your point..." The commander sighed, before nodding to them. "Collect your Lee's and give him the revolvers. You have anywhere we can go?"

"Town in the distance named Ponyville." I answered. His deadpan expression made me chuckle. "I still think it's funny as hell, but whatever."

"How're we getting there? Can't very well bloody drive down there." He asked, looking around at the walls.

"I can teleport this... vehicle... out into the castle's parade grounds." Celestia offered.

"I'll believe it when I see it." A gunner said, clearly doubting Sunbutt. With a smirk, her horn flared and the Mark V disappeared, causing the gunner to let out a yelp as he fell over because his support failed.

"You're precision is waning, Celestia." I commented, looking out a window. "Half an inch off of the ground and almost appeared on a death guard."

"It's been a while." She deadpanned while I watched the guard shrug and continue on his way.

[A few hours later]

Jesus Christ I never thought about how goddamn far away Ponyville was from Canterlot. I mean, you never really feel how far 9 miles is when you spend it on one of the slowest tanks in history.

"What in the fuck is that monstrosity?" Blake questioned.

"The work of the British!" I chirped from my perch on the top of the tank. "World War 1 tank! Hermaphrodite class."

"We just call her 'Lucy'!" The driver, Dunlock, yelled from inside the belly of the beast.

"How fast is she?" Doc asked, poking a track.

"'Bout 3.5 mph going top speed." I answered. "All you gotta remember is that tanks were a new design, and their main purpose was to go over trenches, not running down Jerries."

"Though she's good at running them over!" Church, the recently healed 6 pounder gunner, exclaimed as he climbed out. "...Well, you weren't lying about the ponies." He said as he observed the crowd of ponies staring at the tank with curiosity.

"Put her in gear, Dunlock!" I called down to the driver. With a lurch, we crept forward without much noise, since I got a mechanic to magics the engine. Now, like our other vehicles, the Mk V 'Lucy' was silent as a mouse and independent of fuel.

"What is that, exactly?" Lyra asked as she easily kept pace.

"A British Mark V tank, Hermaphrodite class." I answered. "Designed to go over trenches to break the stalemate we had going on with our trench warfare stuff."

"What makes it a hermaphrodite?" Lyra asked. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on the perspective), there are a few (very uncommon) ponies with both sexual organs, so she knew what one was.

"The British came up with two types of the same tank; a male and a female." I explained. "With 'Lucy' here, they combined the two to keep it from being disabled as quickly."

"So other Mark V tanks looked different?" She asked.

"Actually," Church started. "The only difference between Lucy and other Mark V's is that we have two 6 pounders instead of one. And her name, which is kinda obvious."

"Think she'll be able to take on more armor?" I asked Church.

"Depends on how powerful the engine is." He answered. "I'd love to get a look at Crocodile, though. 70mm armor? How big is she?"

"Fraction of the size of Lucy." I answered. "And her name's Athena, not Crocodile. Tank's an M4 Crocodile Sherman outfitted to double as a bulldozer." He didn't believe me.

"What's a bulldozer?" Both of them asked.

"Vehicle designed to push rubble and clear obsticles." I explained.

When we got to the ghetto tank depot (I put up a sign saying as much) on the outskirts of town, all eight of Lucy's crew couldn't believe how small Athena was.

[Sand Dune's Fireworks Emporium]

"Next is getting you eight new weapons!" I said, pointing at a door.

"...That's a broom closet." Vills, another gunner, said. There were mostly gunners. Deal with it.

"No, it's an armory." I said, opening the door and stepping inside. After a moment's hesitation, they slowly filed in and their jaws graced the ground with their presence.

"H-How?" Vills stammered, staring at the racks of the same weapons that we appeared, or had dropped off, with. I grinned while picking out Kar98k's for them.

"Put your Enfields on the table." I said.

"It's bigger on the inside." Church said, poking at an M24.

"Oi, only touch what I give ya!" I scolded, before going over to a pile of freshly duplicated M9's. "I was gonna outfit you all with an M4A1, but then I remembered the first rapid-fire rifle/carbine was the StG-44, made about thirty years after WWI." I told them. "Instead, you all get Kar98 bolt-actions, and about ten clips of ammunition per visit. For your sidearm, you get a semi-automatic M9 with three magazines."

"How well do we have to clean this?" Krass, gunner again, asked, waving the M9 at the ground.

"Whenever you get out of a firefight." I answered. "These ain't your revolvers; they actually require more than half-arsed maintenance to keep from buggering up."

"Could you show us how to disassemble and reassemble it?" Dunlock asked. I shook my head and pulled out my M1911.

"Cleared for this, not the M9." I answered. "Go ask Duffy; he's the dude who's hanging out with the rainbow maned pegasus."

"See ya later, then." Dunlock said as he grabbed a leg holster, slid his pistol into it, put the magazines in a pouch on his pants, shouldered his rifle, and put the stripper clips in various pockets on his person.

Most of them left with him, while Church stayed behind as I inspected the weapons.

"What's this?" He asked, poking an M60E4.

"Light machine gun, chambered in 7.62mm bullets." I answered. "Shame that we don't have an MG42; one of the best weapons of WWII besides the M1 Garand, PPsH-41, and the Mosin Nagant." I pointed out the first one for him. "The Nagant was another bolt-action rifle, while the PPsH was a sub-machine gun."

"What's a s-" He was interrupted by a flash of light, a yelp, and something skidding across the floor. I was able to regain my sight in time to jump over a HD-J motorcycle that had saddlebags strapped behind the seat, and a dude rolled to a stop at my feet. We stared at each other for a few moments, before the rider reached into his coat and held out a package with a letter tied to the top.

"I have a package for you, General Durnkinscoff." He said.

Information

'Who's it from?' Apple asked, perching herself onto my shoulder.

"It doesn't say..." I muttered, before looking at the courier. "Did you get a name from whoever gave this to you?"

"Odd name, but yes." He answered, letting me help him to his feet. "Fellow named Time Turner. Must've had original parents, at least." I smiled inwardly and let him get back to his motorcycle.

"You'll have to push that outside, but don't freak out when you see the townsfolk." I told him, pulling the twine apart.

"Are they like that bug thing on your shoulder?" He asked, pushing it onto its wheels and inspecting it for damage.

"More colorful and less fang filled." I answered as he started leaving, followed by Church. "Let's see what our time traveling friend gave us..." Ripping open the package, I stared at the contents for a moment before letting out a laugh.

"Me thinks I'm getting a little overpowered, don'tcha?" I asked as I flipped one of the Doctor's sonic screwdrivers before slipping it into my super pocket. Pulling out a sheet of paper, I read the scribble out loud, since Apple can't read too well.

I'm doing my best to teach her, goddammit!

'Mark,
Hello from France, 1918! Because he was about to get mortar'd, I sent you a courier with a little package that I was meaning to give you anyway. This note is pretty much to warn you about your second trip to the bunker we visited before. I'm sorry to tell you this but you NEED to destroy it. Even though I'm usually against this, I advise you to override the nuclear reactor. The screwdriver has a remote detonation feature, so you can do it safely from where you're standing in your little armory if you wanted to. You don't have to worry about how the courier's going to react, since he worked on a farm when he was younger.

I'll see you at the bunker!

Your time traveling friend,
Time Turner'

"Well, that's not good." I frowned.

'What is it?' Apple asked as I folded up the note and stuck it into a pocket on my armor.

"Time Turner says that the bunker we're going to visit has to be destroyed..." I told her as we walked towards the door. "I don't want to see what Chrysalis has to say about that."

'Then don't tell her.' Apple simply said.

"Even if she wasn't my friend, I would still have to tell her, since it's in her land." I sighed. "God, this is why I hate politics."

"MARK DURNKINSCOFF!" A familiar voice shouted before I took a rope to the torso.

"Whelp, run along now, Apple." I said as I was pulled off of my feet and onto my chest. AJ glared at me for a moment before taking the other end of the rope into her mouth and started dragging me towards the farm. "I'll see you when AJ finishes ravishing me."

'Don't hurt yourself too much, dad!' Apple said before looking around and bounding towards Gallan, who was too busy laughing at me to help.

"AJ, you know I can walk, right?" I questioned as I was dragged behind the mare.

(Translated from ropespeak)

"Ah know, but if Ah let go of ya, somepony else'll come over an' ask ya to do sumthin' fer them." She responded, not letting up on the dragging. "Yer mine fer the rest of the day, an' nopony's gonna say different!"

"Then can you at least let me see something other than the ground?" I asked. She paused for a moment, giving me enough time to roll onto my back (and tie myself up more) to where I wasn't staring at dirt and the occasional ant.

The next morning, I had Apple standing outside the tub while I washed the essence of sex off of my body and complained briefly about how numb my pelvis was.

And no; I'm not creeped out by the fact that the shower had no curtain, and Apple was perched on the toilet holding the recorder out to me as close as possible without getting it wet. Hell, I've taken showers with her and Applebloom, sometimes at the same time goddammit!

I'm just not turned on by ponies in general, I go for brains and heart (and sometimes voices, Chrysalis is a HUGE example), not looks.

"Hey Mark." Judy said, leaning on the doorway while looking at me. At the moment, she was just wearing undergarments, indicating that she woke up a few minutes ago. "A few new people arrived; both in weird looking armor. I don't mean the armor that the knight dude has, I'm talking about futuristic armor."

"Kinda like my ODST armor?" I asked while shaving. Yea, I use a razor while in the shower. Saves a few minutes and with the way the water hits me I don't spend money on shaving cream. And no, I'm not uncomfortable with Judy looking at me while I'm buck-ass naked; she allows me to do the same, the seldom times I do. Same with Schmidt, who's a bit more gentlemanish than I.

I still think he's my grandfather, but meh. Won't bother him about it until I have further proof.

"Think Crysis for one of 'em." She answered, waving an arm around. I nodded and got rid of a stubborn piece of stubble.

"Anything else?" I asked. "If not, what's for breakfast?"

"Grits, hash browns, and hay bacon." She answered. "Want me to go get some meat from an MRE and share it with you and Schmidt?"

"Fine by me." I answered, and she took the moment to get back to her bedroom to finish getting dressed. After a few moments, I turned the shower off and dried myself off, beginning with my face.

I was pleased that no blood came with the water, a sign that showed that my straight razor didn't slice me to ribbons like the first time I used one.

"So, what are they like?" I asked Judy as we sat around the food table. In case anybody ever finds this important, I ate in between Apple and AJ, Judy ate in between Big Mac and Applebloom, and Schmidt ate across from Scootaloo, who sat to the right of Granny Smith, who sat at the head of the table. AJ was across from Big Mac, Applebloom was across from Apple, and I am in an obvious seating arrangement; across from Judy.

We could kick each other under the table and the only way the ponies would know is from our wincing.

"One's from 2012 and the other's from 2020, I think." She answered.

"What type of stuff did they do?" I asked, chewing on a bit of gubberment issued rubber meat.

"One was Black Ops, the other was Spec Ops." She answered, and I sighed.

"What's that mean, Sugarcube?" AJ asked in confusion. I took a moment to reply.

"Black Ops soldiers did stuff that was almost entirely inked out on paper in the final reports." I answered. Before she could ask, I explained. "When something is 'inked out', a certain area of words/numbers have a black line completely covering them. Sometimes, a B.O. soldier has entire paragraphs or reports inked out. Highly classified, and are on a need to know basis."

"Since Mark is a General, he's always on a need to know basis." Judy added. "Especially when it comes to how a soldier dies."

"And considering that orders only come from me, they're already known by me." I said. "We may be part of the Equestrian military, but my fellow generals cannot order my men around. That came directly from Dawn, the only pony that my team will listen to when it comes to orders."

"What about Max or Williams?" AJ asked, who only knew them because I kept a roster of my men in our room.

"Williams didn't resign, so he's under my command. He'll take an order from Luna if he feels it's necessary, while Max is kinda like a reserve; we only use him when we have to." I answered. "So both of them are allowed to tell Celestia, Luna, and Cadence to 'kindly shove off', in any words they may choose." Judy let out a chuckle before returning the assault on her hash browns, while I drowned mine in ketchup. All Apple had was a bowl of salt water and a bendy straw.

The first time Pinks saw her with one she yelled something about sucking brains out. It didn't help that the container rests in between my shoulder blades and my backpack.

"Well, that was a good way to wake up." I said as I finished, burping into my fist before muttering an 'excuse me'.

"Fer those of us who were able to sleep." Granny jabbed with a grin. AJ blushed while I chuckled and rubbed her head, before picking my helmet off of my lap and putting it on, but depolarizing the visor. As Apple, Applebloom, Scootaloo, Schmidt and I got up, so did Granny. We took our time to get outside, and watched the young'uns leave, Granny turned to me.

"Ah hope AJ don't get depressed when ya'll die, Mark." She said, looking out over the apple orchard. "This ol' bird ain't goin' down with a fight, but mah fight ain't gonna last much longer..."

'What does she mean, daddy?' Apple asked me in confusion.

"She'll have another forty to sixty years with me, Granny." I said as I leaned against a railing on the porch. Even after five years, there was still a tinge of red on the post. "How long do ya'll live, exactly?"

"Ah'm a hundr'd and thirty." She answered, going over to one of her rocking chairs. "We earth ponies live a little longer than the others."

"We never even reached close to that yet." I told her, frowning. "The oldest was a hundred ten, I think. It's a feat to reach one hundred, and even then we probably couldn't move more than a foot a day. Seventy is the usual for humans, even less for soldiers."

"How old were you when you died?" Schmidt asked me after a moment of silence, technically. I was talking to Apple in my head.

"Thirty. Was going to have a birthday in a few months when I kicked the bucket." I answered, slowly standing up. "I'm thirty-five, now. How old's AJ?" I asked, looking over at the lime-green mare.

"Fourty two." She answered. "Ah think that's about eighteen in human years."

"Barely legal in my state." I muttered. "Five years ago I was technically a pedophile, if we're going by human years."

'What's a pedophile?' Apple asked.

"Somebody who has sex or is in a relationship with somebody else under the age of sixteen to eighteen, depending on the state or country." I answered her, cracking my back.

"Shall we get to work, Schmidt?" I asked him. "I gotta interview the new people and put together an expedition. You're already on the team."

"Roger that, sir." He said with a nod, following me towards town.

Effects

"So, are you all prepared?" I questioned the seven people standing in front of me. The people I was brining in my merry ol' Cougar JERRV MRAP(aka Sparky) were as follows; Bill Murray, Brandon Duffy, Luke Gallan, Helmut Schmidt, Rick Duran, Lex Deurring, and Blake Mactavish. They all nodded, causing me to check my DMR once.

"We're going in squads of two; Blake, you're with Rick. Gallan, you're with Schmidt. Huka, you're with Duffy. Bill, you're with me and the guard Celestia wants us to bring." I told them. "Any questions?"

"Who's staying behind to keep the entrance open?" Huka asked.

"You and Duffy; the bunker's close quarters and a sniper rifle ain't CQC." I said. "Duffy'll be able to pick targets off at a distance while you cover his ass." They nodded.

"How long do we have?" Blake asked. I took a moment to reply, fingering a paper in my hand. Spike was standing next to my leg, waiting on me to give it to him so he could send it.

"Less than twelve hours." I answered. "One of the people who ended up here last night is a tech head, so we're hauling whatever we can back so he can look it over. When my team leaves, that bunker's being sealed and blown up."

"How come?" Gallan asked in confusion. "Shouldn't we just reclaim it?"

"A friend of mine advised that it absolutely needs to be destroyed." I sighed. "I managed to convince him that I'll do it, so he won't be coming with us."

'Not that I'd disobey the Doctor.' I thought. 'He knows what's best, usually, without telling anybody the details. Just look at the Daleks.'

"What are we allowed to bring?" Bill asked.

"Usual kit." I answered, grabbing a fiddy and tossing it to Duffy with a small grunt. "M82 also ain't CQC, so you're still pulling sentry duty." He nodded with a small grin; boy loves his bigass bullets like the rest of us. "Kit up, we're leaving in half an hour. Bring some goddamn water, too!" I called out, before grabbing about eight two liters of water and putting them into my super pocket.

"Think I should go shotty or automatic?" Bill asked as I contemplated using my M60.

"Since we don't have a wide variety of shotguns, go with an automatic." I answered. He nodded and looked over the sub-machine guns.

'We could really use a PPsH-41. Good ass gun and it chambers 9mm.' I thought, shaking my head and grabbing an MP40. Looking out over the seven others, I noted that they were either choosing automatic rifles, shotguns, or sub-machine guns for their primary weapons.

"Remember to grab a pistol, two if you're ambidextrous." I said, grabbing my M1911 and sliding one of my extended magazines into it, before sliding it into a leg holster.

"Hey, Mark." The courier, name of Johnnie Apple (I chuckled), said, fidgeting up to me while I looked over some extended magazines for the MP40. "Could I talk to you for a sec?"

"Sure, come over here." I said, leading him away from the others. "So, what's up?"

"Do ya think I can get out of this thing?" He asked in a low voice, handing me a sheet of parchment. I took it with a raised eyebrow, and began to read.

"Did you even read this damn thing before you signed it?" I asked, looking at him with my face neutral.

"Not really." He sighed. "Being 16, I didn't really sign many papers before."

"Wait, you're 16 and in the Army?" I asked, frowning more. The draft didn't put 16 year olds into the military, that's for damn sure.

"I lied about my age." He said. "So, think I can get out of it?"

"No." I sighed, pushing it back into his chest. "Even if I could, I wouldn't seeing as how you did a dipshit move when you didn't read the damn contract. The CMCs pretty much own you now, and I can't do a damn thing about it. It's not slavery, more like making an oath."

"How old are they?" He asked, taking a glance behind him. Schmidt looked over for a second, causing Johnnie to gulp in nervousness.

"16 in human years." I answered. "They're in their twenties, but not an adult yet. I'll speak to their families and make sure they don't do anything else like this again." AJ, Rarity, and Schmidt were going to be pissed. I'm just thankful that Apple's name wasn't on here; girl's got more smarts than it looks. I suddenly remembered something and called everyone (except Huka, he explained the situation to me earlier) over to me.

"What is it?" Schmidt asked. In response, I grabbed a bag out of my super pocket and pretty much coated everyone in poison joke powder, with the exception of Huka and I.

"We're leaving tomorrow. Something came up just now." I said with a grin. All of them looked confused until Gallan started coughing, followed by everyone else.

"What the fuck did you do to us?!" Blake coughed out, falling to his knees.

"Poison Joke!" I chirped. "The effects won't kill you, I just want to see what you'll turn into."

"What does that mean?!" Gallan wheezed, before his eyes rolled up into the back of his head and he collapsed. The others did so momentarily, while I looked at Huka.

"Is that how I acted?" He asked in confusion, setting his Famas to the side.

"I dunno." I answered. "It happened to me a lot faster than that. What did you turn into, anyway?"

"A buffalo." He said with a shrug. I hmm'd and stepped around the unconscious group.

"Go on and go get something to eat." I told him, pointing at the door. "When this lot wakes up, I'll send them after you. Where're you eating?"

"The cafe down the street." He answered while looking through his many pockets. "Shit, do you have any bits I could borrow?"

"Here." I said, tossing a small pouch full of the gold at him. With a nod, he excused himself and left to go get some pizza or something.

Half an hour passed before a groan came from where Gallan was. Turning around, I could only stare.

Gallan was a changeling.
Schmidt was a male Sparklebutt.
Duffy was a male Dashie.
Bill was also a changeling, though bigger than Gallan.
Blake was a fucking dragon, though the size of me.
Duran was a male Cheerilee.
Johnathan was a male Sweetie Belle, and the size of her.

Seeing as how Schmidt and Duffy were male versions of their lovers, I'm surprised Gallan wasn't a male Pinkie. Hell, I think the universe would rip apart if there were two of her, different genders or not.

"Feh." Was all I said, throwing my arms in the air. Bill was the first to glare at me, but I waved him off.

"When ya'll are done being pissy at me, come down to the cafe on the corner; Huka's paying." I said and left.

When I took a seat across from Huka, a letter popped into existence from Sunbutt.

'General Durnkinscoff,

I would like to know how the new armor is doing, as I want to make it the official human's uniform. When you finish replying, press the seal to return it.
Princess Celestia, Raiser of the Sun.'

I pulled a pencil from my super pocket (It took a moment, and I stabbed myself with a trench knife.) and scribbled out my reply.

'Dear Sunbutt,

The armor's doing fine so far (I tested a .50 BMG bullet on it and it only left a small dent. Hate to feel one hit, though.), but I need to use it in a combat scenario before giving you the go ahead. The trip to the bunker will hopefully provide adequate testing grounds, as I know how bloody paranoid the U.S. military was.
General Mark Durnkinscoff, That One Guy Who Blows Shit Up.'

With a small and highly unnessesary self given title, I pressed the seal and watched as it caught fire and the ashes were swept away by a breeze that wasn't there.

"What was that about?" Huka asked as he took another bite of his sammich.

"Sunbutt wants to give all of the humans ODST armor, and I'm field testing the first set." I answered. "When we get back from the bunker, I'll have an adequate field report to give her."

"Think we'll run into something?" Huka rose an eyebrow. I chuckled a little.

"I was there and I don't know how much of that bunker was rigged to fuck over intruders." I answered. Apple bounded over and perched on my shoulder, while I chewed on a mouthful of sandwich.

Road Trip (With Death!)

"Alright, we all ready?" I asked the squad, most of who glared at me subtly. I kinda expected them to, since I woke them up at 3 in the morning. It'll give them time to get some sleep and time for us to go through the bunker and strip everything valuable from it. Some might think that we're hoarding the crap, but if I deem it harmless, I'm giving Chrysalis and Celestia copies of them. Mostly for their amusement and to go wild with.

"As ready as we'll ever be." Duffy grunted. I nodded and closed the back door, before going around and entering the cab, ready to get this show on the road. Apple flittered up next to me and took a seat on the dashboard.

'Ready!' She chirped, looking outside with a small amount of glee. Since I kinda needed the exercise, this would be the first time I've driven Sparky, so I was a little nervous.

"Here goes nothing..." I muttered, and turned on Sparky.

...God that sounds weird.

Luckily, the vehicle did not explode as soon as it started, so I eased the gas pedal to the floor and set off towards the Badlands.

Pretty much, the Mojave. God, this feels a lot like New Vegas and that just makes it awkward for me, since I played the shit outta the Fallout series.

'Fallout series?' Apple asked, placing the recorder on the dashboard in front of me.

"A series of games that depicted a post-apocalyptic world, much like what happened to us." I explained. "You take control of a character, in New Vegas s/he is a Courier. The main storyline is to travel the Mojave wasteland to kill the fucker who shot you in the face twice, and pick one out of four sides when you finally do. This is one of the types of brilliant games that let you pick how the story ends, instead of having a set ending like the CoD series, for example."

'What's CoD?' She asked, causing me to launch into a series of explanations.

"...And that's why I hope Cazadores don't exist." I finished. Apple stared out of the window for a moment.

'Daddy, those sound a lot like some of the creatures that live in the Badlands.' She relucantly told me.

I happen to think Moonbutt heard my head hitting the steering wheel all the way up on her throne.

"Guys, I hate to tell you this..." I said into the radio that connected to the back. Built the thing in myself. And only electrocuted myself three times.

"What is it?" Gallan asked.

"How many of you know of the Fallout series?" I asked.

"Huka, Duffy, and I do." Bill said. "Blake's heard of it, but never played."

"Cazadores inhabit the Badlands." I sighed.

"Godfuckingdammit." Bill groaned.

"How big are they?" I asked the changeling, who frowned, rubbing her chin with a swiss cheese hoof.

'About three of you wide, almost two of you tall. Six of you thick, if you all lay ontop of one another.' She said after looking at me for a moment.

"What type are we dealing with?" Bill asked. He probably heard my groan.

"Giant Cazadores from the DLC Honest Hearts." I answered, sighing. "I don't remember if there were any in Old World Blues."

"It would save a great deal of time if we had Pip-Boys." Bill muttered.

"That may be true, but don't you think having a weapon that can spew .50 BMG rounds like a bullet spewing erection is a little overkill?" I questioned. "Hell, we could utilitize the magics unicorns/alicorns have and make a magical atomic bomb."

'What're Pip-Boys?' Apple asked, and I explained the magics of the Pip-Boy 3000.

'...I can see why Bill wants one.' She said once I finished. 'And why you're relucant to get them, since we don't have DNA locks.' Jesus Christ she is smart for her age.

The next five hours went along without incident, and we soon drove through Appleloosa. Halfway through, I was stopped by what appeared to be the sherriff.

"There a problem, sir?" I asked after rolling the window down and sticking my head out.

"Jus' wonderin' where yer goin' with that contraption of yers." He said, while Apple hid. I knew a little bit about the ponies around here, and they were kinda racist towards changelings.

"Out somewhere in the Badlands on Princess Celestia's request." I answered, before looking upwards into the sky. It was a little after eight in the morning. "Do you have anywhere where we can get some food?"

"Right this way, sir!" The pony said, causing me to ease Sparky forward and follow behind him at a rate of 5 mph. A few townsfolk were awake and watching Sparky with curiosity, while I simply waved at him. "This here's the only cafe in town, but Ah'm sure it'll be good 'nuff for ya'll." He told me, causing me to get out after Apple slipped into my super pocket.

"Wake up!" I shouted, opening the back doors. Gallan cringed at the sudden sunlight, being the only one awake at the time. "Up or ya'll don't get breakfast!" That got them moving.

"Should we leave our weapons here, sir?" Schmidt asked, in the process of picking up his Kar98. I took a moment to respond.

"If it's a sub-machine gun, bring it. If ya didn't grab one, bring your pistol." I said, looking around. "I may trust the townsfolk but you never know when something bad happens."

"Paranoia kicking in?" Gallan asked as he jumped down, landing with a small grunt.

"Yea. Wonder why it's taken this long..." I muttered, flicking the trench knife which was in its sheath.

You see, a trench knife was a brilliant way to kill somebody. It was a knife, and that's where similarities ended with combat knifes. The trench knife's blade was triangular shaped, so when you stabbed somebody you left a wound that wouldn't heal easily and highly prone to infection. The blade was sharp, and strong enough, to punch through the helmets your enemy wore, as long as you had the strength to swing it that hard. It also had brass knuckles embedded into the hilt, so you could slug somebody in the face and drive the blade through their skull. The high effectiveness of the blade was it's downfall, as it was outlawed for warfare.

Luckily, as the highest ranked person left alive, I went around and took out some of the laws that we had for warfare. I kept the ones that I agreed with, so Gallan couldn't slaughter half of Ponyville and get away with it by saying that I told him to.

"What's for breakfast?" Huka asked as we took seats around a big table. My deadpanned stare (through a untinted helmet, mind you) caused him to chuckle and pick up a menu to browse through.

'By god I'm starting to get a little sick of apples.' I thought when I saw the food listed, but I was glad that apples weren't the only option.

"May Ah take yer order?" A waiter asked once she came up. All of them ordered some type of apple dish with a side of eggs, while I ordered an omelette. She nodded, took our menus, and left to go give the order to the cook.

"...You all do know that I ain't paying for all of you, right?" I told them, causing most of them to freeze up.

"Well, I'm glad I brought a small bag of bits." Schmidt said, field stripping his MP40 while waiting on his food.

"Sir, I'll do anything for the money." The ones who don't have bits said, looking at me pleadingly.

"Help out during applebuck season." I told them, sighing. They all nodded and we proceeded to wait a while before getting our food.

[Two hours later]

"Get the fuck off my windshield you asshat!" I yelled as a goddamn Cazadore tried impaling my face, the stinger three inches from me. "Apple, lemme have the MP40!"

'Yes daddy!' She said, passing it over as quickly as possible. With that stinger in the way, I didn't just grab my trench knife and get stabby happy, considering that the damn things were poisonous.

"I said get off!" I roared, letting a stream of 9mm bullets come out of the gun. An odd shrieking noise was heard before the bug slid off of the hood and was promptly run over.

The Bunker

"Fucking Cazadors..." I muttered as we piled out, the whole front of our transport was covered in goo and giant bug parts. After taking a moment to scan our surroundings, and to put a little fear into the excavation team that was currently watching us with intense eyes, I called everyone to attention as Apple flittered onto my shoulder. "Everyone know what to do?"

"We stay back and keep everything away from the entrance and Sparky." Huka said as Duffy cocked his M82. I nodded and hefted my MP40 and carefully stepped past the huge metal doors that had been rolled up, revealing the bunker's hidden first level. After a billion years of quiet stagnation, I wasn't to sure what to expect.

I knew what the basic layout of this bunker was, but I had no way of knowing what that bastard did before dying. Currently we were gathered in the auxiliary motor pool, a cavernous room dedicated to grease, gears, and oil. "We'll meet back here by 1700 hours." I said. "That'll leave us an hour before nightfall." It was 1200 now, so we had roughly seven hours to find shit.

"Think there's still power?" Schmidt asked as we walked inside. In the hanger, there were a few jeeps, humvees, and a single, heavily damaged A-10. All of them were just husks of their former glory, ancient relics of a time long since dead. But it was the foot thick titanium blast door at the back of the hanger that was our destination.

"Probably." I answered. "There's a nuclear reactor with backups for the backup reactors, so it's entirely possible."

"Joy..." Duran muttered, checking the magazine on his M16. From memory I walked over to a box next to the blast doors, the one marked Call Box, and opened it to reveal a computer screen and hand scanner. Taking a deep breath I double tapped the "CAPS LOCK" button twice and waited. To my mild astonishment, the ancient computer actually booted up.

"Submit hand for identification." A masculine voice droned out, and I placed my hand on the scanner. "Scanning... Welcome, Doctor. It has been [corrupted] since you were last through this checkpoint. May I inquire as to why?"

"I got a little lost in time." I answered, glancing around. Nothing else had activated yet, but I was being careful. There were three automatic sentry guns hidden somewhere in the hanger and we were standing in a kill zone.

"Very well…" The computer said after a few heart stopping moments, causing the others to shift uncomfortably. As it continued, the huge blast doors began to roll back and revealed a room with several elevators. "I see you brought some company, and a subject from one of the director's projects?"

Yeah, Celestia 'insisted' that I bring a guard to 'help'. More like watch us. So I brought up a Death Guard and attached her to my group. "I have." I said. "Are the elevators still operational?" There was a silence for a few more secants until the computer spoke up.

"They are. Where do you wish to go?" It questioned. I waved Gallan and Schmidt over.

"Take these two down to Medical." I told it, and a set of doors silently opened. "You know what to look for, guys." They nodded and slid in, the doors shutting behind them. I sent Duran and Blake to Maintenance, while Bill, Lightning Strike and I went to the Barracks.

[Gallan/Schmidt]

As the elevator stopped and the doors opened, their noses were assaulted with the scent of dust, mildew, copper, and a hint of death. Before them stretched a long hallway, off white walls spotted with rectangular clean spots showing where message and pin boards once hung. While four colored lines painted on the floor were still visible, waiting to guide medical staff deeper into the complex. Red to surgery, yellow to the labs, green to the recovery ward, and blue for the morgue... odd thing was, the hall was remarkably clean, almost spotless.

"I have a bad feeling about this..." Gallan muttered as he hefted his W1200 and looked around the hallway with caution. Gallan opted to go with a shotgun instead of his BAR, and had an MP-5 strapped to his side.

"Just keep it to yourself." Schmidt grunted, tapping the trigger guard to his gun. Instead of carrying his Kar-98, he had brought his MP-40 and decided to carry a MP-44. The rifle was lying in the MRAP, just in case.

"Smells bad down here." Gallan pointed out, doing his best to hold in a sneeze. He failed.

"I don't smell anything." Schmidt shrugged and walked forward.

"Must be my imagination, then..." With a sigh, the BAR gunner followed after the former Nazi, still feeling skittish for some reason.

[Duran/Blake]

"Any idea why Mark sent us here?" Duran asked the Scot as the elevator silently opened, revealing a dingy gray corridor that seemed dominated by pipes and wiring conduits of all sizes.

Gas, steam, and cooling pips ran along one side, while water, sewage, and several unmarked pipes traveled along the other. Meanwhile ventilation and wiring dominated the ceiling while lighting here blinked on and off… somewhere up ahead there was the steady drip.drip.drip of water.

"Probably to make sure the reactors don't overload." Blake answered, checking his AA-12.

"We're not nuclear engineers, though." The Ranger frowned, before inching forward, M16 firmly pressed against his shoulder.

"I still do what my superiors tell me." Blake said. "Unless it's completely stupid and'll get my squad killed." Duran only nodded at that, before moving forward a little bit more, keeping an eye out for anything suspicious.

At that moment, something down the dark and scary corridor crashed to the ground, scaring the ever living shit out of the both of them.

[Duffy/Huka]

"This hanger is creepy as shit." Huka muttered as some of the light fixtures flickered. Duffy only nodded in agreement, before glancing down the scope of his rifle and picking off another cazador from a mile off. He had nothing better to do, after all.

"...Why the hell are you breathing so heavily?" Duffy finally asked. "And on my mother fucking neck?"

"Dude, I'm like twenty feet away from you." That confused the sniper, causing him to look behind him. True to his word, Huka was watching Duffy in confusion, standing in front of what used to be an A-10 Warthog.

"...D…did you see anybody o..over my shoulder?" Duffy asked, sitting up slowly.

"I wasn't paying attention until you spoke up." Huka replied, looking around. "And I didn't hear anybody walk over to you."

"...Creepy..." Duffy muttered and got to shakily his feet.

[Mark/Bill/Apple/Lightning]

"This is where everyone lived?" The mare of my group asked as we stepped out into the massive common room.

Dubbed the Arboretum, it was a large two story room with several archways that led farther into the complex, while a catwalk ran around the upper section and allowed for toughs above to watch over anyone below. "Right down there." I said, pointing down to a corridor to my left. "Armory is in the back and the mess hall is to our right."

"Where are we goin' first, boss?" Bill asked, shifting his grip on his SAW. I questioned why he decided to bring the fucking thing, but only got 'more dakka' in reply. I loved the excuse.

"Armory, of course." I grinned. "Last time I visited, the locks were air tight, so if they locked it down..." I led them down a short hallway that ended at an inconspicuous door. "...The seal should still be active." I pressed my hand against the scanner, but nothing happened.

'The lock's jammed.' Apple informed me.

"HAL, do you think you can open the Armory door?" I called out. It took a moment, but the screen next to the scanner lit up.

"It'll be a moment." It said, and blipped off.

"What'll we find in there?" Lightning questioned.

"Explosives, firearms, and various munitions. Some experimental energy weapons." I answered, glancing at the screen. "Probably all wasted away from the time."

"You keep glancing at the computer." Bill quietly pointed out. I merely shushed him and turned around in time to see the door slide upwards. "Creepy."

"Do you require anything else?" HAL questioned.

"Update me on the location of the others?" I asked as I slid in.

"The ones sent to Maintenance are looking through the storage room, the ones in the Infirmary are passing through the surgical area, and the ones in the Hanger are still there." HAL informed me.

"Thank you, HAL." I said, before beckoning the others in. "That'll be all."

"As you wish, sir." He left us, and the others looked at me.

"This is one of the few rooms where we can't be monitored." I muttered after closing the door and making sure it was shut.

"You don't trust HAL." Bill stated, folding his arms.

"Not one bit." I answered. "The last thing I heard when I was here, was the director of this bunker telling a subordinate to 'bring HAL online'."

"Ominous." Lightning muttered, before starting to head down the walkway. The rest of us followed, while Bill looked on in awe at the sheer mass of weapons. There were eight rooms connected by a single wide hallway, with the weapons getting bigger the deeper one went. The first large room held knives, collapsible batons, and handguns, the last of the rooms held explosives, flamethrowers, and RPGs. So lots and lots of weapons… Rusted as hell weapons, but weapons nonetheless. "How long is this place?"

"The bunker itself actually stretches down close to a mile or so." I answered with a shrug. "As for how wide it is, this particular section extends out from the elevators about five hundred meters."

"So, how much ammunition are we talking?" Bill's eyes got a twinkle in them.

"Just under a million rounds." I shrugged.

He clapped his hands together and grinned. That grin was scary.

'What're we here for?' Apple questioned.

'No matter what these people think, I want this bunker destroyed.' I silently told her, gingerly checking an USP .45 for damage. Sadly, it was unable to be used.

Over an hour later Bill found me with a crumbling laser rifle in my hands. "Most of the weapons are unable to be used, sadly." Bill sighed as he returned to me. "Rust and/or time have fucked them beyond belief." Though I notice he was holding an AK-47. "Only thing so far that I could find, was three crates of these."

"Goddamn, almost two billion years and the AK is still able to be used?"

"Right." He shouldered it and followed after me, unzipping the bag I gave him. "How much am I supposed to collect?"

"As much as you can carry and still run with." I answered, letting him run off and grab ammunition. They were in sealed containers, so they would still be fine. "And see if Lightning can drag out a crate or two."

[Infirmary, Gallan]

I could fucking smell that there was something wrong with this place, but Schmidt somehow didn't. the surgical wing was a honeycomb of brightly lit sterile rooms filled with every imaginable life saving machine one could think of, including the one that went "PING!"

Already we had gathered up several sets of surgical tools for Doc back home. Our only trained human doctor was having to make do with medical implements made by and for ponies. Well not anymore…

"Stop being twitchy, Luke." The Kraut muttered, peeking into a room. "Another operating theater."

"I can't help it." I hissed, sound a little more insectoid than usual. My changeling side was probably acting up, from what I could tell.

"Calm down, Bug-Boy." He muttered, closing the sliding doors and continuing down the hall. "There's nothing to be scared of down here."

"Well excuse me if I don't trust this place." I muttered. "Especially with a Nazi running around loose and has access to various sharp blades." I barely said the second part, lest he hear and stab me with his knife or something.

"Yeah yeah." He looked into another room and whistled. "The hell happened here?"

"Lemme see." I pushed past him and stopped, almost dropping my shotgun. Before me was another operating theater, one straight out of a mad scientist's lab, one that had been recently used. Rusty chains hung from the ceiling and walls, while the usual hi-teck equipment had been replaced by archaic and quite evil looking …things… covered in blood.

"...I am starting to agree with you." Schmidt said as he knelt and dipped his finger into a green puddle on the floor. "Really recent, probably two or three days old." He shook it off and stood back up.

"Mark, can you hear me?" I questioned into the radio on Schmidt's back, but only got static. "Fuck, we're on our own." I backed out of the room and looked down both ends of the hallway. Nothing was moving around, which somehow made it scarier. "What do we do?" I asked, looking at Schmidt.

"We keep moving forward." He said, eyeing the liquid for a moment. "Mark sent us down here for a reason; I want to find out just what that reason was."

"Right..." We set forward and continued quietly opening doors.

[Maintenance, Duran]

"It was just a rusted pipe falling down." Blake reported as I stood watch, stepping back up next to me.

"Are you sure?" I asked, getting a nod. For some reason, I wasn't convinced. "Lemme see, just for a second." He sighed a little, but led me over to the pipe. Bending down, I noticed that it wasn't as rusted as everything else. Humming, I crawled forward and inspected the other pipes.

"Well?" Blake asked, crouching down to look at me on my back.

"That pipe's not from this room." I said, looking up at him. "For one, the rest of the piping is not anywhere near as rusted. Two, that's a completely useless section of pipe when compared to the others. Now help me outta here, something probably will fall soon." At my request, he grasped my feet and started pulling. Not even a moment after I got to my feet, a jagged length of pipe impacted the floor where my head was, shattering from being too brittle.

"Lucky." He said, knowing I didn't have a face guard to protect me from that pipe.

"It's not a coincidence." I muttered. "Pull Mark up on your radio."

"Mark, come in." Blake held a finger against his helmet. "...Mark, answer."

"Static?" I asked after he brought his hand back down.

"Yeah..." He sighed, before checking his revolver. "Let's keep moving."

"Right." I nodded.

[Hanger]

"This is Dr. Hannigan, about to perform testing on Subject 2, Test 4." A feminine voice started over a loud speaker, startling Huka and Duffy. "Test 4 will see how much pain Subject 2 can withstand before she reacts."

"P-Please..." A little girl whimpered as a whirring sound started. After a moment, the sound was punctured by a loud scream.

"Subject 2 showing moderate pain tolerance, marking it a failure as well." The woman stated, and the only sound for a moment was sobbing. Then, a loud gunshot rang out and all was silent.

"What the fuck happening here..." Huka muttered, holding his hand to his mouth.

"I can only guess." Duffy grunted in reply.

[Gallan]

"Jesus..." I muttered after the announcement or whatever it was finished, holding back some vomit. Next to me, Schmidt was muttering something in German.

"Keep moving." He said, cracking his neck. With a silent grunt, I followed after him and until we came to an imposing door with Crematorium clearly visible over the archway.

"I guess they didn't have anywhere to dispose of the dead down here." I said, tapping the door. "So they burned them." The door was rusted beyond belief, even Schmidt noticed that.

"Prepare to breech." Schmidt said, stepping back and raising his foot. I nodded and stepped back, putting the butt of the shotgun to my shoulder. As soon as the old door was kicked in, I entered, shining the flashlight attachment to blind anything beyond the doorway.

The room beyond was heavily tiled and held several stainless steel tables and a large desk to the right, a walk-in freezer door to our left, and three monstrous furnaces against the far wall. Of the three, two were cold with their shoot doors open, looking like hungry open maws… However, the third was not only still active, but giving off an odd throaty growl.

"Clear." I slid to the side to let Schmidt in, and looked around with a frown.

"It's too clean to be two billion years old." Schmidt called out from an oven, running his hand over the well maintained viewing glass on one of the furnaces. "Somebody's still down here. First the blood, and now this." He turned to me. "We need to hurry up and get the hell out of here."

"Elevator's about a hundred feet behind us." I offered, which he turned down.

"I don't know how you Americans trained, but I was taught to finish the mission before leaving." Schmidt told me, exiting the room. As I left, I paused momentarily to listen as a skittering sound alerted me.

[Mark]

"There's more to that trip than what you've let us understand, was there?" Bill asked, causing me to swear.

"Lightning, could you go down and look for these?" I asked, handing her a few small drawings. She nodded and trotted off, knowing I really needed some privacy, not some triggers and firing pins.

'I'll help her.' Apple said and flittered after the earth pony.

"Subject 2 was an alicorn." I told Bill, putting my hands on a rail while trying to not relive the horrors from before. "The director for this bunker was Alan Drew, a psychopath that had a veil nobody but Apple, Turner, and I saw through. He had horrible plans, and one of them was a project. This project was called Project Alicorn, through it he wanted to create a perfect soldier, but not a human one."

"Synthetic solders?" Bill guessed. I shook my head.

"Completely organic." I said. "When my group arrived, there were four new subjects and a side-project. You know the last one as Discord." Bill merely blinked.

"I take it he was to be support or something in the event of Project Alicorn's complete failure?"

"More or less." I ran my hands through what hair I didn't shave off. "Only know six of this are still alive; three are in this bunker, one is stone, God knows where the Doctor is, and Faust is... someplace different."

"What do you mean by that?" Bill asked.

"Technical terms, a glitch or error in the system. Ponies would call it a curse. I say it's bad luck, but she's stuck between time and can't be on earth physically. At least, not yet." I finished as Lightning came back with two somewhat intact pins and triggers in her magic.

"Ready to do whatever?" Lightning asked, and I nodded.

"Next stop, Infirmary." I said, and walked out with my M1911 held loosely in my grip.

[Duffy/Huka]

"Is that supposed to be happening?" The sniper questioned as the hanger doors began to grind slowly closed.

"No." Huka grabbed the radio and turned in Mark's frequency.

"Wha*bzz* it, Huka?" Came the reply.

"Sir, the door big doors are closing." Huka answered.

"C*bzz* again?"

"The. Doors. Are. Closing." He made sure to say it slowly and clearly.

"...Get out of the h*bzz*. T*bzz* an order." Came Mark's reply. "Sta*bzz* by Sparky."

"...Yes sir. Huka out." The staff sergeant sighed and got to his feet, cradling his Famas. "We gotta get going, Duffy."

"I'm not leaving him behind." Duffy shot back. Huka sighed, rubbing his forehead.

"It's not like he ordered us to leave, Brandon." Huka said. "Just stay by the MRAP." Duffy looked to the descending door and sighed.

"Let's relocate, then. But know that I'm not gonna like this." Duffy nodded and the two slipped past with about a minute to spare. With a rusted groan not unlike one from a ship being tossed at sea, the hanger doors slammed into the ground with the grace of a train wreck.

Duffy shot the door once to test it, and frowned when the .50 BMG round merely ping'd off of it.

"Well, we're not getting back inside..." He said.

[Medical]

"The elevator's coming back down." Gallan said with an insectoid hiss, whirling around and aiming his MP-5 down the corridor. Schmidt stood above him, holding his MP-40 in his grip and aiming in the same direction.

What relieved the two the most was Mark's covered face poking out of the elevator.

"Thank God." Gallan sighed, getting to his feet, but Schmidt pushed him back down with a hand.

"It could be a trick." He hissed, not lowering his assault rifle. "Prove that you're Mark!" The German shouted down the corridor.

"Let me get fucking closer so I don't have to shout!" Mark responded, lowering the M9 to his side. In response, Schmidt sent a trio of bullets whizzing down the corridor and they slammed into his chest.

"The fuck, Schmidt?!" Gallan yelled, breaking out of his grip and sprinting towards the fallen Marine. What confused the shit out of him was the elevators opening again and Mark stepping out, nearly tripping on his body.

"What happened here?" The second Mark rubbed his chin, before kicking the pistol out of the corpse's grip. "You want to fucking impersonate me, get the damn weapons right." He looked up at the stunned Gallan and noticed that Schmidt was pointing his assault rifle at him.

"What's my first name?" Schmidt called out.

"Helmut." Mark answered without moving forward. Schmidt nodded and lowered the rifle.

"Sorry about that." He wasn't.

"Eh, I would've done the same thing." Mark shrugged and beckoned the rest of his group out. Lightning was the first out, ears pressed against her skull from the loud reports of the rifle, while Bill and Apple were casually walking/trotting.

"Was that really necessary?" Lightning questioned.

"There's no such thing as overkill." Bill replied with a grin, shaking his SAW.

"Let's cut the chatter and get moving." Mark said after a moment, pointing down the hall. "How far did the two of you get?"

"Crematory." Schmidt answered. Mark hummed a little, before walking forward. "Why did you want us down here?"

"Cyro-bay." Mark answered. "If anybody, or anything's survived, we might find some of them still asleep."

"What the hell is a 'cyro bay'?" Gallan asked, scratching his head. Bill took the lead on that question before Mark could open his mouth.

"Cyro-bays have these bed/tube things where you put something in it, close it up, and freeze it." He said, letting go of his SAW to use his hands to help demonstrate. "When you're frozen in cyro sleep, it's like only moments pass even if it's actually been years or even centuries. Once you arrive at your destination, an awake crew member, or a machine if it's in a time case, will use a computer to start the process of thawing you out."

"What's the mortality rate?" Schmidt questioned. Mark shrugged.

"We didn't have cyro technology." He said. "In our time, anyway. We've gotten this information from science fiction and video games."

"Right." Gallan sighed, before shaking his head.

"Shouldn't we be moving, instead of standing around?" Lightning asked, snapping everyone's attention back onto topic.

"Of course." Mark took the lead and walked down the hallway at a slightly quickened pace. "Did you two see anything odd down here?"

"Pool of green changeling blood splattered all over a mad scientist's lab and the crematorium was spotless." Schmidt answered instantly. "Something's alive down here, Generalmajor." Mark could instantly tell that the German was nervous due to him lapsing into his homeland's language.

"Seems you were right about one thing, sir." Bill said as he cracked his neck.

"Don't say it." Mark muttered with a glance at one of the hallway cameras. "Let's get to the damn cyro-bay before going down to Maintenance."

"How many of them do you think are alive?" Lightning asked as I tapped away on a wall computer.

Together we had made it to a long room with a hundred or so of twin cryo-pods, much like the ones from HALO, mounted along one side of the hall. "Honestly?" I looked over. "I hope none of them are alive. Everybody here was experimented on in one way or another, including Apple and I." My daughter shuddered before rubbing a hoof against her side. Luckily for her, she didn't have anything implanted into her, but were I so lucky...

"How bad was it for you?" Bill asked from his position near a set of pods.

"I'd rather not say." I answered with a frown, dropping all conversation for a few minutes.

"Found one, I think!" Gallan called out. We all crowded around the screen he was pointing at, and I rolled my eyes.

"It had to be one of them, didn't it?" I mused, pressing the 'OPEN' button on the screen. "Here's to your shitty luck, bro." With a hiss the pod began to defrost before the pod's door slid up and out of the way, and we caught the guard who fell out of the thing, coughing up the liquid that froze him completely.

"How long has it been?" He gasped, shuddering from the relatively cool air.

"Over a billion years, Zane." I answered, helping him to his feet. His eyes opened and he squinted at me.

"Doctor?" He shook his head. "Did your TARDIS bring you here?" A collective of four 'what's sounded out in the background as I draped his arm over my shoulders.

"I drove here in a JERRV MRAP." I answered. "Two of the new world's rulers requested that I investigate this bunker." Zane coughed up some cyro-gel down my front and onto my shoes, but I ignored it.

"You wanted to see if there were still any survivors." He saw my motives for what they were.

"Correct." I scanned the room for anymore, but all of the other status screens said 'DECEASED'. "Lucky you, you're still alive." I started steering him to the door.

"Rose didn't make it, did she?" Zane questioned with a defeated tone.

"It's been almost two billion years, Zane." I softly said. "You're lucky you made it."

"I know, Doctor." He muttered, looking at the ground. "Got a weapon for me?" He questioned as he managed to stand up and walk on his own power. Bill passed over one of the AK-47s he scavenged, and several magazines. With a nod, Zane loaded it and cycled the bolt, getting a satisfactory click.

"Next stop, Maintenance level." I muttered, and started for the elevator.

"Report." I said when I saw Duran and Blake waiting for me.

"Something's running around down here, sir." Duran said with a salute, before looking at the new guy. "Who's he?"

"Name's Zane Cooke. I'm the head of security, and apparently the only security left besides HAL." He said and shook both of their hands.

"Master Sergeant Rick Duran. The guy in the armor is 1st Lieutenant Blake Mactavish." Duran introduced the two of them.

"British?" Zane questioned of Blake, who nodded. "Light infantry, from the armor."

"Light infantry?" I heard him mutter as we started walking towards the reactor. "This suit's bloody heavier than I am!"

"He was born after you 'died', Blake." I muttered. "You should see what they count as heavy infantry. Sadly it's rusted away by now, or else I'd have pointed it out to you in the hanger."

"Huh." Blake muttered, and followed me.

"So, why are we down here?" Zane asked me after a moment of silence.

"Checking up on the reactor, make sure it won't go critical." I answered. "Only a few species live out here in the Badlands as it's called, but one of the sapient species would be screwed if it went off in the wrong way."

"Got'cha." He said, before leaning in closer. "This is also one of the only places that HAL cannot listen in on, so you can say what you mean. No need to merely imply about blowing up the reactor."

"You're not gonna try and stop me?" I rose an eyebrow at him. He shrugged and looked back at the others.

"I'm without my armor and this gun isn't extraordinarily accurate." He answered, rather loudly. "And you all outnumber me by seven beings. No matter what I do, I probably won't be able to kill you before I'm struck down."

"Goddamn right." Bill muttered. I shushed him and we continued forward.

It was here, deep within the warrens and honeycombs of heating ducts and power conduits that we found what we was looking for. While there was no labeled street signs that said "Power Plant This Way ", one could see the radioactive symbols panted along the walls. They were faded all to hell, but still visible

"Is this what you were looking for?" Lightning questioned as we stood in front of the reactor doors.

"Correct." I said, looking at a screen. "Minor radiation levels, but that's expected." I turned to the others. "Anyone volunteering to go in?"

"I'll do it." Gallan and Lightning said as one. "I may have been the BAR gunner for the squad, but I know a thing or two about placing explosives at weak points."

"Thought you were brought up on a farm?" Schmidt questioned as I sorted through the explosives I had and put them into duffel bags.

"And? I happen to have an eye for weak spots." Gallan countered, before I put both bags onto Lightning's back.

"Gallan, since you're volunteering, I want you to go in and place the C-4 on any and all weak spots, before embedding the remote detonator in them." I told him. "My sonic screwdriver will activate the explosives once we're a safe distance away, and the dets are configured to only activate on its signal, so don't worry." They nodded and stepped inside once I opened the doors, only to have them ominously shut behind them.

"What's that noise?" Schmidt asked, and a skittering sound came to the rest of our ears a moment later.

"Maintenance drone." Zane answered. "They work around the clock to keep everything running smoothly."

"Well the damn thing almost dropped a jagged pipe on my head." Duran grunted. "I see it, I'm popping a few bullets into it." Zane shook his head.

"That'll alert HAL to what we're doing." He argued.

"He's connected to them, right?" I asked. The security chief nodded, causing me to look directly up. A spider-like robot skittered away from my gaze. "He already knows."

"Fuck." Bill turned and looked at the doors. "Hurry up..." While we looked at the doors with worry, Apple flittered over to the console and tapped at something.

'Daddy, the reactor levels are frozen.' She told me, causing me to swear and go over to them.

"How long have they been like this?" I asked, already tapping at icons.

"Looks like 1.5 million years..." Zane said, gulping. "We need to get them out, right now." He tapped some stuff and a security feed popped up for the inside of the reactor. What I saw horrified me.

Gallan was crawling towards the door, coughing up a storm. Lightning wasn't moving, already dead from the radiation exposure.

"Get that door open, right now!" I demanded. "I'm going in there and getting him the fuck out."

'You'll get sick too, daddy!' Apple protested while Zane started putting in commands.

'Yeah, well I let Gallan go in there. I'm not leaving him in there to die.' I countered.

"You'll get dosed with about six to eight gray, Doctor." Zane informed me. "We're all getting about two to three just by standing outside with the doors open."

"I'll only be a few moments." I told him as the doors opened. As soon as I was able to, I sprinted the fuck in there and directly at Gallan.

"G-Got the explosives p-planted..." He coughed, blood dribbling out of his mouth.

"Take it easy, Gallan." I muttered, hefting him over my shoulder. "We'll get you some medical attention as soon as possible."

"If I don't make it-tell Pinkie…" He started, but as I sprinted back, I cut him off.

"You will make it." I hissed in his ear. "Don't go fooling yourself, it's not that bad." That was a lie, but he didn't know squat about radiation sickness and I wasn't gonna tell him. His hair was already beginning to fall out and he left a trail of bloody vomit before I picked him up.

"Right..." He wheezed, before closing his eyes and losing consciousness.

"How is he?" Zane questioned as the door slid shut behind us.

"Fading, slowly." I told them. "We need to get out of here as fast as possible."

"How fast can Sparky go?" Rick questioned as we started jogging for the elevator.

"Not fast enough." I grunted. "We're about four hundred miles from the nearest doctor."

"Besides you, of course." Zane said. I couldn't really say anything to that, lest I crush the image I set for myself. It would probably kill him or something.

"Medical doctor." I sighed, and kept jogging.

"Where would you like to go?" HAL questioned as we stepped into the elevator.

"Hanger." I answered. The doors shut, and the elevator started moving.

"What were you doing in the reactor?"

"Making sure it wasn't going to go critical." I answered, looking at a camera. The silence was deafening, and the elevator slowly stopped.

"...Of course." That didn't seem ominous at all. "Hanger."

"The doors are sealed shut." Bill reported as I set Gallan down to check on him. I dug out my screwdriver, switched the settings, and tossed it to him.

"Hold it against the control panel and use it for eight seconds." I said. He nodded and ran off, while Zane inspected the elevator.

All of a sudden, the doors slammed shut, actually slicing off a few of his fingers in the process.

[Zane]

"What the hell, HAL?!" I hissed, hitting at the button to open the door. For some reason, it didn't work. I couldn't feel my fingers, but I assumed that they were alright.

"I'm sorry, Security Chief." HAL's voice droned on. "But protocol dictates that I eliminate any threats to the bunker, starting with the main threat."

"How am I the main threat?" I knew something like this was going to happen. To get the Doctor and his current companions out of here, I had to distract HAL as much as possible.

"You are the only living organism that knows the schematics to the entire base." HAL explained.

"And for that I must die..." I sighed, knowing that my time was short. "Are you going to kill the others?"

"They will die in due time." HAL said, before the elevator shook. "Goodbye, Chief Security Officer." With a sickening lurch, the magnets holding the elevator up were switched off, and I was sent flying downwards at high speeds.

"Hope you can get out of here, Doctor..." I muttered, before all went black.

[Mark]

"The door's open!" Bill shouted, causing the rest of us to look up. Outside sat Sparky, with Duffy lying on the roof and Huka leaning against the hood, staring at us. It was already dark, which was why I didn't notice until Bill yelled.

"Grab Gallan and get him in the back!" I told Duran and Schmidt. They nodded, went over to him, and picked him up in a two person carrying position.

'Something seems off...' Apple said, tapping the elevator doors. I went over to them, but froze when the hanger was plunged in complete darkness. Looking behind me, I noted that the door had silently shut.

[Bill]

"We need to get him out of there, right now!" I shouted, pounding on the door. When it didn't respond, I pointed Mark's sonic screwdriver at it and pushed down on a button.

Sparky's engine started.

"Goddammit, how does this thing fucking work?" I muttered, shaking the thing. A buzz answered me, causing me to growl in frustration and smack it.

"Lemme see." Blake offered, and I practically threw it at him. As soon as it came into contact with his hand, he let out a yelp and dropped it. "It shocked me!"

[Apple]

"How well can you teleport?" Daddy asked me as I paced in front of him, causing me to halt.

'Not enough for the both of us...' I frowned, before becoming confused at the wave of relief emitting from daddy.

"I want you to get out of here, Apple." I couldn't believe what he just told me.

'I'm not leaving you here alone!' I growled, stomping my hoof for emphasis. He chuckled, which infuriated me a little.

"I'll be fine, Apple." He muttered, looking off to the side and coughing. "Fuck, the radiation's starting to affect me..." I narrowed my eyes.

'You're getting weaker.' I stated. He merely rose an eyebrow at me.

"I'm getting closer to death, not getting weaker." He corrected.

'That's exactly why I should stay with you!' I yelled through the link and stomping my hoof again.

"I'll be fine, child." He sighed, leaning back against the wall. "Just leave; I have a Doctor on the way." I froze, knowing what he meant.

'The TARDIS won't be able to leave if I'm on board.' I muttered, looking at him. 'Turner said something about it 'being stubborn' while I'm in it.'

"Go and meet up with the others." I looked up at him, expecting a frown. Instead, he had his eyes closed. "I'll be out, two minutes tops."

'...Alright daddy.' I finally said, starting to build up changeling magic in my horn, which cast a sickly green light over his body. 'I love you.' I had full faith in him getting out, but situations required this to be said, right?

"I love you too, Apple." I could tell they were genuine, and said as if he had a doubt of living through this. I frowned, before the magic built up in my horn discharged and my body was temporarily disintegrated, sending me towards my location.

"Where's Mark?" Schmidt asked as I pretty much teleported into his arms. Well, asked me after getting over the shock of a changeling suddenly appearing out of nowhere into his grasp.

Wordlessly, I pointed at the bunker's door. Duffy arched an eyebrow.

"He made you leave without him?" Duffy asked. I nodded, causing him to groan in aggravation. "Of fucking course he did..."

"There's a bloody child here! Watch your language!" Blake yelled at Duffy, confusing me.

'...Daddy doesn't mind cursing around me.' I thought, rubbing the back of my head with a hoof. 'Hell, he doesn't care if I curse. Why would Blake care?'

[Mark]

"Well, now it's just a matter of time..." I muttered, coughing worse than when Apple was with me. Seeing no sense in just sitting around, I shakily got to my feet and slipped my helmet back on. Reaching up with a shaking hand, I turned on the twin floodlights on either side of my helmet and looked around.

"I see that you are alone, Doctor." HAL told me as I moved to my left, using the wall for support.

"Yeah..." I sighed, looking in the direction of the nearest camera. "Though that isn't my name."

"Pardon?"

"My name isn't Doctor." I said. "Nothing even close to that. I'm no doctor in anything, though I do have a PhD in bullshitology."

"Explain." HAL demanded.

"Look up KIA personnel in the USMC for December 2012, Afghanistan." I told it, stopping to catch my breath. Christ, my endurance was at an all time low.

"...Three KIA; Corporal Mark Durnkinscoff, Gunnery Sergeant Stephen Cepeda, and MWD Maul, rank of Master Sergeant." HAL finally said. "What is the importance of this search?"

"I'm that Corporal." I stated. "I died in an IED explosion while attempting to destroy it." A soft whrring caused me to grin. "And now I'm a Brigadier General, protecting humanity by getting rid of that which threatens it."

"And that would be?" HAL questioned.

"This bunker." With that, the TARDIS materialized around me and I slumped against the doors. "Get me outside, please!" I let out a groan, holding my stomach as I coughed up blood. 'Christ, I shouldn't have done a monologue like that.'

"Right away, ol' chap!" Time Turner flipped some switches, and the TARDIS whrr'd a bit before the door next to the one I was leaning against opened, Bill's head popping in.

"Put Gallan in here!" The SEAL shouted at the others, before looking at me. "I'll drive Sparky on back, stay in here, sir." With that, he was gone.

Well... Could be a better ending, but Zane knew what was gonna happen, I bet.

Discussion of Punishment

When we got back to Ponyville, it was about five o'clock (wibbily wobbly timey wimey). I had enough time to do one more thing before retiring to bed, and I took that opportunity.

"Ok Johnnie-boy, why don't we start at the beginning," I sighed as I sat down across from the young lad ten minutes later.

"Er…" slowly the teen glanced around the packed living room of the Apple family farm house, a nervous twitch showing in his eyes. To his left sat Sweetie Belle, her irate sister Rarity and their father Magnum, a white earth pony sporting a mustache and three American footballs as his cutie mark (I swear to god he's a pony version of Tom Selleck's Magnum PI, he even had on an Hawaiian flowered shirt). Before him paced a seething AJ while the entire Apple family sat calmly around the room, Judy was the only one not here for she was off looking after Applespice. And finally off to his right was Schmidt, Sparklebutt and Scootaloo.

"Stop looking at them, and pay attention to me," I had to raise my voice to get the boy to acknowledge me. "Now tell me what happened."

"Yesterday I was plugging away at my steel horse… er," he faltered when Applejack spun around and gave him a death glare.

"It was a name that some gave to the motorcycle in the early 1900's," I said, reaching out and calmed my love. "While an iron horse refers to the railroad steam engine, just so you know."

"Anyhow, that Dawn guy cast a spell so as my bike don't need no gas, so I was test running it about town," he said, and I was quickly reminded that the teen was from a whole different century than me and that some of his speech pattern and mannerisms were… off. "I was just wondering what to do with the gas tank when these three fillies asked what I was doing."

"When they found out what I was doing, they asked to help, trying to see if they could get their motorcycle repair cutie marks… or something like that." Johnnie continued, his eyes still on the ever grumbling AJ. "In fact it was Bloom who suggested turn it into a fresh water tank so I could have drinking water with me wherever I go."

"Yup," Applebloom smiled brightly. "Ah also said he should take his bike to that Max feller and have shocks put on it, to smooth out the ride."

"Applebloom…" AJ warned, hushing the filly.

"After they helped me out, they asked if I could give them all rides," the teen went on. "so I gave each a once around Ponyville, and while the other two were excited with the ride, it was Scoots that really popped… er, really had fun."

"It was totally fantastic," she squee'd, an enthusiastic glint flashing over her face. "the wind whipping through my mane and wings… it was almost as awesome as flying with Rainbow Dash… almost but not quite!"

I tried to ignore the shiver that jumped up I spine at the mentioning of Dash. It had been several weeks and that damn dream was still haunting me, goddammit.

"Later, after the rides, they asked about my life back home, so I told them about the family farm, growing corn and razing dairy cows." Out of the corner of my eyes, I caught Big Mac whisper something to Granny, getting a slow nod in response. "But things really got interesting when I told them about the tree house me 'n my brothers built one summer. After that they insisted I see their club house and once there, join the Cutie Mark Crusaders."

"And that's where 'n they got their hooves in yah, huh?" The three fillies shrank under the gaze of Applejack. "So who's idea was it to coral this here colt into making a herd pact?"

After considering their track record over the past 5 years, no one was prepared for… "Sweetie Belle?!" Rarity gasped out, both her front hooves grasping at her heart in over exaggerated shock. "Why would you do such a horrible thing?"

Odd how Magnum only reacted after Rarity's outburst. Silently, he rolled his eyes while putting a reassuring hoof on his youngest daughter's shoulder. I kinda liked their father now.

"Oh come off it Rarity! Have you even been paying attention to what's going on out outside your boutique?" Scoots scoffed. "There is a severe lack of stallions out in the world and not every mare is going to get one…"

"Yeah, just look at our class at school," Applebloom added. "There's around 18 of us in our grade and only three are colts."

"Pipsqueak is out to become a Night Guard, and I'm not even going to think of dating Snips or Snails, yuck!" Sweetie stuck out her tongue in disgust. "So if we want a stallion of our own, we had to think outside the box." Even if their methods were rather unorthodox compared to human's methods, I had to give them at least a little bit of props for what they did.

"Ok, ok… now that we know how it happened, and why." I finally sighed before turning towards the others gathered. "Let's hear from the adults… and by that, I mean the parents of the fillies." I cut Rarity off before she could say a thing. "No offence, of course."

"While we, Schmit and myself, are acting guardians for Scootaloo," Twilight said while taking a deep breath. "We also have to take into account that she is at that age where she will stop looking at colts as more then friends, and start thinking of dating."

"Well, Ah fer one ain't standin…"

"Applejack," all eyes turned towards the old mare as she stepped up to examine the teen up close. "Ah raised yah, Mac, and Bloom after your ma 'n pa left this world… so Ah'll be the one to judge."

"Yes'um Granny…" AJ relented. I scratched behind her left ear, causing her to twinge in amusement.

"Now then youngin, yah will'en to work hard and take good care of our lil' Applebloom?" she asked, eyeing the teen closely. If AJ was the element of honesty and could tell when someone lied to her, Granny Smith was the one she got that talent from. I know for a goddamn fact I wasn't ever going to lie to her, and that's mostly because I respect her. That and she'd figure out that I was lying. "And yah promise no hanky-panky until her first season?"

"Yes'um," he nodded before catching himself. "But… Wait… Season!?"

"Then Ah approve, but Ah will also be watchin, so behave." she gave a knowing smile and shot a wink towards Bloom and mouthed the words, 'have fun'.

"While your mother and I are every open minded," Magnum took his turn before the jury. "I find myself needing something more… oh I don't know, a sign that this is a good idea."

"I think we can give you that sign," I chuckled, a wicked smile forming. "Johnnie-boy, if you wouldn't mind shifting?"

"What, here, now," Johnnie flinched back as all eyes looked to him.

"Yes, here and now." My grin only got scarier.

"Mark honey," Applejack blinked in wonder. "What's going on?"

"Just watch…" I said.

Taking a calming breath, John stood and concentrated… and before anyone could react, there stood the colt version of Sweetie Belle. Surprising me was the fact that nobody got flashbang'd. "Gosh-darn, this is embarrassing," he sighed darkly, taking a moment to pull his fluffy lilac colored tail up between his back legs.

"OH MY… That's sooo COOL!" Scoots shouted.

"He's turn'in red," Applebloom giggled happily.

"Well I think he's absolutely adorable," Rarity broke down and cooed.

"By Celestia," Sweetie gasped as she bounded over to Johnnie and poked at his rump. "Look, he doesn't have a cutie mark… He is one of us!"

'One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us. Fuck you mini-marshmallow, I got that chant stuck in my head!'

"Works for me," Magnum chuckled as he watched the other two girls mob the poor colt. After a moment, I clinked my scotch bottle against the table, causing everyone to pause and look at me.

"Alright. Now that approval's out of the way, it's time for punishments." I said, looking straight at Johnnie. He gulped and shrank back a little. "Johnnie, for punishment of being an idiot and not reading what you sign, you're to stay as your pony form until I say otherwise. The only time you're allowed to go human again is to do your job, since Callum and Ditzy Doo have told me they hired you." He sighed and nodded, sitting himself down on the ground.

"As for you three, your punishments go to your elders." I told the other three. Magnum, Schmidt, and Granny nodded, pulling the fillies away to talk to them separately.

"Now..." I sighed, looking at the scotch. "I think I still got my shot glass somewhere in my pocket. Apple?"

'Here.' She popped her head out of the super pocket, my custom made shotglass in her fangs. Rarity recoiled in shock from seeing a changeling's head pop out of nowhere.

"How old is that?" Twilight asked out of curiosity, noting that the bottle wasn't even close to any civilization's making.

"If I had to guess, I'd say 1.75 billion years old." I said with a grin. "Wonder what it'd do to Luna... Her birthday's coming up, right?"

"Yes." Twilight confirmed with a nod. "How did that bottle survive for so long?"

"I gave it to myself!" I chirped, carefully opening it and pouring the liquid into the glass. At her deadpan stare I let out a chuckle. "My future self died in the past, from what I gathered. One of the things he left me was this scotch, which quite frankly I'm surprised it still exists. The other was instructions on what to do with the Vault those archeologists uncovered." I forgot to tell Sunbutt; boy she's gonna be pissed. Eh. I put the stopper back into the bottle and drank my scotch.

"If aneh of ya'll sdhrink my booze... I'ma castrate ya'll with the bunt end o' me trench knife.." I slurred, before falling unconscious.

Give me a goddamn break, it's 1.75 billion year old scotch!

School 1 of 2

"I hate Mondays..." I grumbled, staring into my custom made coffee mug. Since, you know, ponies don't have the ones I'm used to.

"I know the feeling, dear." Cheerilee sighed from next to me, taking a long swig. "But I still get to see my wonderful students, so it doesn't really matter!" God, how can she be so damn chipper? Sure, she loves teaching, but IT'S MONDAY!

"We have about an hour before we need to get to the school." I said, looking at my watch. Cheerilee grinned at me.

"I think I know a way to spend a few minutes." She purred, placing her hooves into my lap in a non-painful way.

[Half an hour later]

Cheerilee wiped her mouth free of any white liquids and smiled at me as I wiped my face clean of her juices.

"You're still able to last longer than any stallion I've dated." She said as I rebuckled my belt.

"As I've told you before; same time as my wife." I answered, fixing my hair while looking in the mirror. As I finished, I noticed that I need to shave again. "You should get going; I need to shave and that'll take ten minutes or so." I told her, digging through my toiletries kit to find my straight razor. I'm not like Mark or Callum; I don't bring the damn thing with me in a boot. Not like I need to kill somebody with it, that's what the spare magazine (which holds actual bullets) taped to the inside of my BDUs is for.

Only cut myself once.

"Rick, is that you?" Cheer called when I finally got to the school house, she was at the blackboard writing down the days lesson. "Would you mind going to the supply closet and bring in a spare desk?"

"Um, sure," I said as I jogged down the hall and retrieved said desk. "Any reason for this?"

"You missed it," Cheerilee told me as I put the desk down, she was now going though a stack of graded papers onto her desk. "I bumped into Mark on the way in, and he told me that I would have a new student today."

"Who is it?" I asked, looking over a clay bullet before shrugging to myself before putting it into the spare magazine I used while in the classroom.

"A close 'friend' of Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and Scootaloo." She answered, frowning a little. "Poor colt's probably going to be very embarrassed for the first few days."

"He'll be fine." I assured my wife, before sliding the magazine in and chambering a round. With a flick of my thumb, the safety was put on. "Remember; I was nervous my first week or so. And the kids love me now."

"True, but this is going to be slightly different." She eyed my machine gun before shaking her head.

"Different how?"

"Different as in you and I." she answered cryptically. I hate it when she does that.

I was still mulling her response when I took my usual chair in the back of the room. The school bell (an old school bell, mind you) rang, signifying the start of the day for the young'uns. They all generally filed in, greeting Cheerilee and I, before taking their seats. The Crusaders came in last, as per usual, and Apple waved to me as she flittered past and took a seat next to Sweetie.

All the while Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon snickered and whispered amongst themselves.

"Is everypony seated?" Cheer stepped before her students, the entire class becoming quiet. "Before we begin, I have a special announcement, today we are getting a new student, Jonathan?" As she spoke, a colt that looked exactly like Sweetie Bell stepped into the room.

Now, I'm not an expert on ponies or anything, but families generally don't look exactly the same. So I knew something was fishy but didn't say anything… but then I didn't need to.

"What in Celestia's name?" Diamond Tiara barked out in surprise the moment she saw the colt. "Miss Cheerilee, why does he look like Sweetie?"

"Diamond, you can ask him all the questions you want during lunch," once again giving a knowing smile. "But for now we need to make some room for our new student. In order to do that we will be making some changes to our seating chart." Cheer said as she waved a hoof to the new desk. "Pipsqueak, you will be moving here."

"Yes!" the little palomino pumped his hoof before gathering his things, "Now I don't have to put up with Diamond always kicking the back of my seat!"

"I do not!"

"Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, you two will be moving up one desk each." Cheerilee announced as Pip quickly stepped passed her to take his new seat. "Jonathan, you will be taking Silver Spoons old desk which is right across from Scootaloo and in front of Apple Bloom."

"Johnnie."

"Come again?" Cheerilee blinked as she looked to the colt.

"I like to be called Johnnie," he said as he slowly made his way down the middle isle towards his desk.

"Very well, Johnnie," my Cheerilee nodded as she made a notation in her books. "And if you need any help during today's lesson, ask Scoots or one of your fellow Crusaders."

"So not only does he look like mini-marshmallow over there, but he's already part of their screwy club." Diamond Tiara sneered at Sweetie Belle. "By the moon, they are like cooties!" she turned to the rest of the class. "Listen up everypony, you might lose your cutie marks if any of them touch you, and then you will be forced to join them." And that's why I want to shoot this bitch so bad, everyone!

"Diamond Tiara," Cheerilee scolded, the filly's mouth snapping shut instantly. "You keep this up and I'll be sending a letter to your father."

"Sorry Miss Cheerilee…"

"Wait, Johnnie looks like a boy version of Sweetie," Sugar Twist suddenly blurted out.

"I think we can all see that," Dinky said with a roll of her eyes.

"That's not what I meant, Dinky," Twist gave out a frustrated groan before pointing a hoof at me… "Johnnie is just like Mr. Duran…"

"Like me," I was a bit dismayed on that one until it all clicked. Some of us could, thanks to Mark and his joke powder, shift into the male equivalent of our respected lovers (or other, in the case of Gallan, Callum, Mark, and Blake). So that would mean that Johnnie was Sweetie Bell's… oh shit.

"What does that mean?" Snails scratched his head in confusion.

"It means that Johnnie and Sweetie Belle are lovers," Diamond said, then froze as her eyes grew as wide as dinner plates. Slowly she turned in her seat to regard the new colt. "Are you and her… mates?"

"Our herd never kisses and tells." Scoots suddenly blurted out.

"HERD?!"

And chaos erupted throughout the classroom. And it was beautiful, since my job pretty much revolves around keeping the chaos in check.

School 2 of 2

The sound that followed the crack of a single clay bullet impacting the ceiling was blissful; pure silence. All of the kids looked at me in slight fear, not wanting a bullet to smack them in the back of the head. It's painful, but I only do that to troublemakers, so they keep themselves in line. Anybody sleeping only gets poked with the butt of my rifle until they wake the fuck up.

"Yes, they made a herd. So the hell what?" I said, crossing my arms and letting the rifle fall to my side. "Does it honestly matter in a day-to-day basis?"

"When you put it that way..." Pipsqueak said in his british accent. "It honestly doesn't."

"Then stop having a freak out about it and listen to Cheerilee." I grunted, sitting back down. Sweetie Belle and Jonathan shot me an appreciative look, while Scoots doodled, Applebloom just sat there silently (good girl), and Apple had a wicked grin across her face. After a moment, everyone else did too, though Diamond Tiara still shot the lovers a few glances.

Math; best subject that I went through in school, despite everyone else hating it. You can call me a nerd if you want, but remember; I'm able to plug a 5.56mm NATO round into your ass at a hundred yards without a scope.

As usual, Scoots was having the most trouble with it, so she came over to me for help.

"What seems to be the problem this time?" I muttered, squatting down to look closer at the paper.

"Number twelve." She replied, looking down a bit. I took a glance at the problem, and it was a slope-intercept equation.

-5y = 4x + 3

"Alright, follow along." I told her, putting my rifle down and grabbing my pen. After a moment, the answer was written down for her.

y = -4/5x - 3/5

"Thanks." Scoots said, looking a little happier now. Since I showed her how I did that problem, she knew what to do now. With a small trot, she went back to her seat.

"Alright class, pass your papers to mister Duran!" Cheerilee chirped twenty minutes later. Within moments, I had twenty papers on my desk ready to be graded after school, Johnnie's being the top one. With a frown, I noted that he didn't write anything at all down. Pretty sure they didn't have this kind of math back in the early 1900's, so I'll cut him some slack.

The school bell rang again, allowing the masses to swarm out and enjoy lunch, followed by recess.

"Johnnie, I'd like to speak to you for a moment." I told the kid before he was able to leave with the CMC's. With a small sigh, he waved to them before coming over to me.

"I'm not in trouble, are I?" He asked, looking up at me while I looked through some papers.

"No, I'd just like to know why you didn't do your math assignment." I told him, causing him to look confused.

"I aint never seen any math like that before, so I don't know the first thing about it." He said, frowning.

"What kind of math did you learn?"

"I memorized my times tables and how to divide before I graduated," John said while trying to dig a hole in the floor with a hoof.

"And what grade did you make it to?"

"The sixth grade, but I started in the second…" the little colt brightened. "Sister Agnes said I was really smart 'n all, so I got to skip the first 'n fourth grades."

"Sorta figured." I said, before glancing around. "Look, I'm offering half an hour of tutoring after school everyday and if you come, it'll help you out a lot. Scootaloo and Applebloom stay after school too, so you wouldn't be the only one of your little 'group' stuck here." I told him.

"Does this tutoring cost any money?" Johnnie asked with a raised eyebrow; he was learning. I chuckled as I answered.

"Son, most of these kids don't even have jobs yet, and I don't force the parents to pay for their kid's education." I told him. "Just stay in your chair after school, and when Cheerilee leaves with the others, I'll start teaching."

"Alright, as long as I can still make it to work." He nodded. "May I go eat now?"

"Yea, but just remember; pony bodies don't like meat too well. You're able to eat the stuff, but it'll feel like hell if it isn't an MRE." I said, watching as he left the room to dick around outside. Not literally, because that's just weird.

"I heard what you told him." Cheerilee said to me as I stood outside, slowly opening my MRE packet.

"He's technically seventy seven years older than I am, so he grew up with a different learning environment." I told her, taking a seat against the wall. "It wouldn't be fair for him to be forced through this without any help other than what the CMC's can give him."

"How different was it?" Cheerilee asked, accepting a cracker. In return, I got an apple slice.

"Unless you were rich, most backwater schools only went to the 6th grade, and all schools still taught religion… hell most teachers were Nuns." I answered. "By my time, because of all the different religious groups in America, that was outlawed."

"What would that be like, here?" Cheerilee asked, nibbling on her cracker.

Now, I had told her and the class about religion because they asked for an explanation (considering that I was a Christian before, I kinda gave up my religion for the most part), so she knew what it was a little.

"Like nobody could tell if Celestia actually existed or not but still talking about her, while keeping out the Theory of Evolution from your teachings." I explained. "One guy, in the mid 1920's, taught the ToE because he felt that the law banning the teaching of it was wrong. It caused a whole debate over it, that in the end he technically lost. Because of a technicality, the case never got put on trial in the upper Courts."

"Hmm..." Cheerilee muttered, eating a sandwich before looking at me. "So how's Luke doing?" She asked, changing the subject. While I didn't know the BAR gunner as well as I knew Callum, I knew everyone in Ponyville was worried about him. Especially Mark, who I wanted to sucker punch for allowing him to go into that reactor.

"They've moved him to Canterlot, where Dawn and Lunacae will attempt to heal him." I sighed. "His hair's already starting to fall out, so I don't know if he'll be fine."

"And Mark? Didn't he retrieve Luke?"

"Mark has a coughing fit, but he won't accept treatment until Gallan's better." I answered. "I'm surprised you didn't notice when he popped in before I arrived."

"He looked like he was a little ill, but other than that there wasn't anything seemingly wrong with him." She explained. "I heard he's using his sick days at the Spa for some reason."

"Radiation poisoning isn't contagious, I think." I said. "But better safe than sorry. I bet he's keeping physical contact to an absolute minimum to even Apple." The changeling, who happened to wander over to us while we were conversing, nodded in confirmation.

"H...He...He's r-right." She stammered, surprising the hell out of the both of us.

"Oh my, you can talk!" Cheerilee grinned, hugging the changeling as hard as she could without breaking her shell.

"D...Don't t-t-tell daddy... Want to s-s-sur-surprise h-him." She managed to get out, sounding a lot like somebody who has a severe studdering condition. Went through the facial expressions and everything.

"We'll respect that." I said, leaning back. Cheerilee let go of the poor girl and smiled too.

"Does anypony else know?" She asked.

"Cu-cu-Cutie M-Mark Crus-s-saders." She said. "T-they pr-promised to n-not tell."

[CMCs, TP]

"So you're really a human," Diamond Tiara scrunched up her nose in disgust. "No wonder those blank flanks decided to make you part of a herd, there isn't a real colt or stallion who would want them."

"And what's that supposed ta mean," Applebloom demanded.

"That the only ponies that take humans as mates," Diamond snorted, "Are either the ones nopony wants, or are just desperate for attention."

"Miss Cheerilee, Rainbow Dash, and the elements of harmony have human mates," Scootaloo snapped back.

"Yeah," Sweetie Bell backed her friend. "Even the Princesses have human mates."

"Well… well there is no accounting for taste," Diamond tried to defend herself before trotting off in a huff.

"Why do you gu…girls let her get to you like that?" Johnnie finally asked once Sweetie, Bloom and Scoots had calmed down.

"Because even though we are all the same age, she's an adult and at this rate, we never will be."

"Wait," the colt blanched and shook his head in confusion at Scootaloo's response. "You want to run that one by me again?"

"Now a days, you are considered and treated like a foal until you get your cutie mark," Sweetie Bell sighed as she leaned heavily on her colt-friend.

"Yeah," Bloom nodded as she brushed up against him from the other side. "It doesn't matter how old yah are, if yah are a blank flank, yer not an adult."

"We only have one more year of school and after we either get jobs or go on to finishing school for jobs, or magic, that requires further learning." By now Scoots was pressing her back to his as she spoke. "And yet we three are still treated like yearlings."

"Even mah sister still treats me like a foal," Applebloom grumbled. "And mah first heat should be soon."

"First Heat," John flinched. "And, ummm, just when would that happen?"

"If'n Ah'm anything like Applejack," she giggled at his sudden discomfort. "Then by this here upcoming Nightmare Night."

Hearts Warming Eve (New Years Eve)

Author's Note

Hearts Warming Eve is New Years Eve in this headcanon of mine, so deals with it.

And I am also doing tiny commentary in my stories from now on. In a third person section like this chapter is, it should be easy to notice.

Hearts Warming Eve (New Years Eve)

"Are we late?" Rarity asked as she trotted through the front door of the Golden Oak Library with Blake, Sweetie Belle bounded in behind with a few presents floating along. She was getting a lot better with her magnets.

"Your fashionably late as usual," Twilight giggled while she and Schmidt worked on hanging tinsel around the library. "And Sweetie, you can put the gifts under the tree with the others."

"OK," she chirped before turning towards the door. "Come on Johnnie, right over here."

"Oh thank the heavens above," he grunted as he stumbled into the library looking like an over loaded pack mule. Luckily Applebloom and Scootaloo quickly rushed over to help the mini-marshmallow colt.

"So where's Mark?" Blake asked, heading over to help AJ set up the long table.

"Mark had an errand to run with that Time Turner feller," she responded. "But he should be back right soon."

"I don't like this," Rainbow Dash sighed from the other side of the decorated fur tree. "I know Pinkie insisted we have this party… but…"

"I know Dash," Fluttershy nuzzled her longest friend.

"A party without our resident party pony…" Rarity joined the nuzzling. "It just doesn't feel right."

"Pinkie wanted this here party to happen," Applejack commented as she placed fresh apple fritters on the table. "She made us Pinkie Promise, and y'all know what that means."

"Never break a Pinkie Promise," the three mares repeated in unison.

"This may help lighten things," Twilight pulled a scroll and floated it over her friends. "Princess Nightmare Moon and Princess Cadence were able to cure Gallan of his sickness."

"Why that's wonderful news," Rarity brightened as she took the letter and looked it over.

"His body still needs some time to recover," Sparklebutt continued. "But she said that they should be returning in about a week."

That's good to hear," Doc sighed with relief. Inwardly he had feared the worst when Mark had brought Luke by Shy's cottage, the amount of radiation the man had been nuked with would have been fatal without the aid of magic. Even though he didn't know what gamma radiation was at first, he was pulled away and quickly learned. He's just glad that it's not contagious.

"What's good to hear?"

Turning about at the sound of the front door banging open, all were happy to see Mark's armored body framed in the archway. "Honey, you made it," AJ rushed over to embrace her husband. However as she did, something came skittered up over onto his shoulder. "What the hay is that?"

"Oh, This is Mugs, my pet camel spider," he chuckled, reaching up to rub the spider's segmented abdomen… and getting an odd purring noise in return. Spiders should not do that. "I do hope you're not afraid of him."

"Afraid, no…" AJ shook her head as she peered closer at the odd looking spider, who peered right back. "But Ah was a might bit startled."

"Can Ah see him?" Applebloom wondered as she and the other crusaders came bounding over to see the new creature.

"Sure you can," Mark smiled, lifting the spider off his shoulder and placed it on hers. Almost immediately it skittered about Blooms small body, exploring every inch of her.

"It isn't dangerous is it?" Johnnie asked as the fillies giggled at the creature's antics.

"Well, well…" Mark chuckled. "You're being rather protective."

"They're my herd," the colt snorted while keeping a close eye on the girls. "I wouldn't be much of a man if I let something happen to them."

Blinking, the man regarded the fluffy unicorn male and smiled, the kid was learning. "John-boy," Mark stood tall and crossed his arms. His back cracked a little, but he ignored it.

"Yes sir?"

"You're no longer grounded," he rubbed the teens head. "And no, Mugs is perfectly safe... Now." At the odd look the teen gave him he chuckled. "Equestria has had an interesting affect on Mugs, he's gotten smarter and bigger… but I assure you he's completely friendly, unless you're a crackhead, door-to-door salesman, or Jehovah's Witness." Johnnie didn't know what the first or last ones were, but he was completely relieved all the same.

"Thanks," Johnnie said before trotting off to watch over the crusaders.

"Now then, where's Apple?" Mark wondered aloud.

"She's helping Granny in the kitchen," Judy stated from a nearby sofa where she was feeding a bottle to little Applespice, who was all giggles and coos and other adorable shit. What, do I look like a goddamn expert on babies?

"Thanks," Mark nodded as he turned and headed for the kitchen. However, just as he was opening the door something black zipped out, smacked him square in the face, and took him right off his feet and laid him on his back with a solid THUD!

'DADDY!' her ecstatic voice boomed inside his head as she nuzzled his face.

"Awe, isn't that cute," AJ beamed happily, all around her there were nods of agreement and one "Eeeyup."

"Now that we are all here," Granny gave a knowing smile as she stepped over Mark and placed a fresh cinnamon apple pie and homemade ice cream. "Let's get this here shindig started."

[After the consuming of the stuff and that schtick]

"That was the best Hearts Warming dinner ever," Isaac Thomson sighed happily as he rubbed his belly. "You really pulled out all the stops Granny Smith."

"Eeeyup." Big Mac added while scarffing down his third helping of pie and ice cream.

"Ah aim to please," the elderly mare nodded her thanks, happy at seeing everypony well fed and content.

"So does this mean we can open our gifts now?" Scootaloo somewhat impatiently buzzed, hopping up and down.

"We are still waiting for the last of our guests to arrive, Scoots," Twilight said as she helped clear the table in one pass of her magic.

"More guests," Mark blinked in confusion. "Who else is coming and why didn't we wait until they got here to eat?"`

"They couldn't make it here in time for dinner, but promised to arrive after their duties allowed," Sparklebutt suddenly beamed as a flash of light erupted outside the library. "And that should be them now."

"Twilight, my faithful student, how good it is to see you again," Celestia cheerfully said as her student opened the door. Behind her stood Moon, Luna and their respected human companions… except Max who was in his male Sunbutt mode at the moment. "May we enter?"

"Oh yes, please do," and then, to the surprise of everypony, Twilight gave another greeting in perfect German while Schmidt grinned his approval.

"Teach the girl something new," Mark glanced at Helmut.

"Twilight has a talented tongue," the German chuckled while adding, "for linguistics that is." Right.

"I bet she does." Mark gave a roll of his eyes before stepping up and addressing the royal sisters. "Moon, Luna, Celestia, how good of you to join us…"

"Good evening General, How is the family?" Celest asked as she stepped in. His face twinged in amusement as she was deliberately fucking with him in a friendly manner.

"AJ and Apple are doing just fine."

"And the business you had to take care of?" she inquired.

"I found the time to get everything accomplished." He gave a half hearted sigh before turning his gaze to where Applejack and the others were gathering. "I could have stayed back then, but this is my home now and I'm happy here in Equestria. Besides, I'm listed under the KIA list. It wouldn't be good form for the USMC if I did stay."

The sun princess watched him carefully for a moment. "You may not believe this… coming from me that is," she said, giving him a warm grin. "But I now truly think that the whole of Equestria is better off with you here, and I only pray that someday I can properly thank you."

Mark was about to question her on that, but it was at that moment Twilight called for all to be seated around the main floor of the library. Taking a sec to let his daughter land in his head, he flopped down on a cushion next to Applejack and tried to get comfortable. "Now I'm sure you all remember the rules," Twilight said as she stepped into the middle of the room. "The idea behind this came from Mr. Duffy, each of us was given a name at random and had to buy or make that pony a gift… so the question is, who to start with?" Said sniper snorted in amusement at being called 'Mr.'

"If I may," Celestia spoke up. "I received Applejack's name, but I must speak with her in private… so if she wishes."

"Sure thing," the farm mare nodded as she stood and headed for the kitchen with Celestia following.

"So who's first?" Sparklebutt inquired.

"May I," it was Johnnie, now in human form, who spoke up first. "Oddly enough, I got the Cutie Mark Crusaders," he said as he handed out three gifts. He waited for the girls to tear into the packages before explaining. Wanting to give the girls something special, he went to the smith and had replicas made of his dog-tags out of silver and had them mounted on silver chain.

After the oohs and happy gasps, he pulled out the set from around his neck and showed the three new round disks, one with each of their names embossed on it. "I now carry your names close to my heart, as you now have mine next to yours."

It was kind of corny (well, really corny as fuck), but the girls each stood in turn as he fastened the necklaces to each in turn.

"That was very thoughtful John…"

"Can we go next?" Scootaloo interrupted her mother as she was joined by Applebloom and Sweetie Bell. After getting a nod, the girls marched up to Moon. "Nightmare Moon, while we haven't much money, we hope you enjoy this gift."

I like how they fearlessly stated her full name.

"I will try." Using her magic, Moon slowly unwrapped the gift before holding the burgundy cape with gold interior. "er… It is..."

"We know how hard things have been for you to make friends since your return," Sweetie said as she took point on this. "So we decided to make you an honorary member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders." The other two chorused in on the last part. "From now on, you will always have friends who will have your back."

"From now on, yah will be one of us," Bloom smiled, however the sound of face meeting hand made all turn to find Mark sighing into his palm. Goddammit now it's stuck in my head.

"I… I thank you," Moon was now misty eyed as she used her wings to hug the girls.

"Lunacae, would you like to go next?" Twilight asked.

"Oh yes," she sniffled, wiping a tear from her cheek that was caused by the adorable display. "We were given Mark's name and with Anon's help, We came up with the perfect gift."

With that, a brightly wrapped box floated over to Mark. It only took a second before he was holding… "It's, it's a EOD Spartan helmet," he blinked in surprise. Instead of the grey visor that his ODST helmet has, this one was pitch black to make it more batshit scary. Also inside was a can of pitch black paint to up the intimidation factor.

"We made it to go with your current armor," Moon smiled. "Anon said you should have something to set your armor apart, and that you would… fangasm, at having one?"

"Thank you Lunacae," Mark chuckled, delight shining in his face as he examined every inch of the grey helm. "I will use this with pride." He was already fucking vibrating.

"Well Mark," Twilight questioned.

"Oh, I had Marshmallow… er, Rarity," he corrected himself as he stood and pulled a large object from his magic pocket. "This is a bolt of white silk from my world… sorry I didn't have time to wrap it." Roughly a hundred pounds of silk. That's a lot of fucking silk.

"Silk from the human world," she gasped. "It's absolutely amazing. And being white, it means I can use my magic to color it any..way…I… Oh my."

It took Mark a moment to realize that everyone, not just Rarity, now wore a shocked expression on their faces and were all staring at something behind him. Spinning around he discovered Celestia helping a human woman into the room.

She was probably in her mid twenties and had long blond hair. She had on a pair a daisy duke cutoffs and a flannel shirt tied below her 36c chest… god she was showing a lot of leg and mid-riff skin (just like the girls at school!)… but her eyes, her bright green eyes that told him everything.

"So what do you think Mark?" Celestia gave the man a mischievous grin.

"Do…do yah like it?"

"Applejack," Mark was on his feet and at her side in an instant. Slowly he reached out and took her hands and marveled at how small they looked compared to his. Yet he kept coming back to her eyes and the way they sparkled… the rest of the night became a blur as he pulled her close and kissed her.

(She still fucking tasted like apples.)

Word From Our Sponsor 3

She stood atop her balcony, the light morning breeze teasing her mane and tail as the sun finished lifting over the mountains to the east. Before her and stretching as far as one could see was the whole of her kingdom. A vast and diverse land of multi-colored talking ponies and humans, a land of magic and love… for the most part.

Yes she loved and cared deeply for her realm, but she would trade it all to her sisters, to have a peaceful life with him…

"Hello sister." Red Dawn announced himself as she joined the princess of the sun. "Enjoying the view?"

"Indeed," she flashed him a soft smile before returning her gaze to the spectacle below, where Twilight Sparkle was teaching Alicorn'd Max to use his magic.

"So how is he fairing," the smaller death pony asked, in his colt form to keep herself from using magic.

Yes, he's fucking with the author by switching genders every few seconds.

"He has the simple spells down, like levitating small objects and using his horn to create light," she said as they watched her male counterpart trying to form a shield spell while Twilight pelted him with a basket full of red kick balls. For the next few minutes Dawn tried not to laugh too hard as Max took hit after hit from the balls, yet it was the look in Celestia's eyes that reminded him of something from the past.

"You love him." It wasn't a question.

"I… I have deep feelings for Max," she acknowledged, though he could see she was holding back.

"Have you ever given any thought, you know, that he might just be the one for you?"

With a half hearted sigh the sun princess slowly shook her head. "Regardless of my feelings for Max, you know full well I am destined for another."

"Yeah yeah…" he rolled her eyes, "I know the whole Storm King prophecy." And yet he couldn't stop thinking of his meeting with HER. "But have you given any thought to Max, why he's here and why he has such an effect on you?"

"Max is here because you and Luna brought him here." Celestia said while keeping watch over what was happening down in the garden. "As for his affect on me, I thought everypony liked how he affected me. I haven't been more upbeat and happy since Luna returned."

"That's not what I meant, Aunty," Dawn shook her head.

"Then what do you mean?"

"He nearly took out the castle and Ponyville when he appeared here, whispered something in your ear and within two weeks, you made him your royal consort."

"Dawn, you're exaggerating…" she started to say but he cut her off.

"Then take what happened with Nightmare Moon, when Mark and I walked her into the throne room," she pointed out. "You flipped your shit and were ready to destroy her, and yet Max calmed you with just a touch…" To her ass, but that's white noise at this point.

"…I…" her resolve faltered and she took a step back. Dawn knew that she had her cornered.

"And Celestia, out of all the humans that have come to Equestria," save for Sergio, "Luna and I didn't bring Max here…" He still couldn't figure out who brought him, though he had a sneaking suspicion that it involved that accursed town in the Everfree...

"Then who did?" She questioned.

"I think it's high time I showed you…" Dawn sighed, looking down at Max.

"Show me… show me what?" She demanded. "What in the name of the ancients are you talking about?"

"Look, just trust me for now," the death pony didn't relent under her gaze. "Call Moon and Luna and meet me in your room in half an hour…"

[half an hour later]

"Come on Dawn, how can I be expected to master my magic if I don't practice…" Max was saying as he followed the death pony, not paying attention to where he was going until Dawn closed the door behind them.

"You can go back to Twilight once we are done here." She said.

"Err… Did I miss something?" The male Sunbutt asked once he took note of the three royal sisters (technically four at the moment) standing about the room.

"We are wondering that ourselves." Luna remarked, looking to Dawn for an answer.

"All questions will be answered in a moment, I assure you dear Lulu," he said as he turned towards Max once again. "Do you remember what happened between us, in your room, after Mark and I reintroduced Nightmare Moon back into the royal family?"

"You mean when you hopped up onto my desk, went all glassy-eyed, and then started to cry?" At this little tidbit, all three princesses turned their undivided attention toward the death pony.

"Yeeeah… when that happened," Dawn sighed. It was not one of his finest moments, but that was still better than the time he went binge drinking. God, his liver hated him for that.

"We would have liked to witness that," Moon gave out a light chuckle.

"Oh indeed," Celestia nodded. "To see death weep would be an exceptional treat."

"Oh hardy-har-har," Dawn snipped back. "Do you asshats mind if we get back to the reason we are here?" If it wouldn't be incredibly painful, he'd grow a hand out of his hoof just to flip them off. Too lazy to go human.

"I wish you would," Max sighed. "I really need to get back to Twilight…"

"You. Sit!" Dawn commanded, getting the startled alicorn to flop down on his white rump. "Now if the rest of you will join your horns to mine, we will be taking a small trip into Max's mind…"

"MY MIND?!" Squeaked Max in surprise, yet before he could mount (perverts) a protest, the three sisters bent their heads and touched their horns to Dawn's.

"Where are we?" Moon asked as she glanced about the shadow filled room.

"We are in Max's head," the death pony said while 15 to 20 picture frames slowly floated about, silently playing bits and pieces of Max's life…

"And why again are we inside my consort's mind?" Celestia asked. She respected Max's right to keep his memories secret, though now that she was here, she couldn't deny that she was curious.

"We are here for that," Dawn said as he spotted the frame he was looking for. The moment he had singled out the frame it began to emit sound.

"Momy, daddy… Look out!" The three sisters became transfixed as a blue sedan was slammed into by a huge semi, and a shrill scream filled the room as 5 year old Max watched his parents die.

"How horrible," Luna and Moon both flinched.

"Dawn, how could making us witness the death of Max's parents be…" Celestia started to demand, only to have her words die in her throat.

"Sssh… It's ok little one, I've got you…" Spinning around, Celestia found herself, as well as both her night sisters, frozen to the spot. Before them a familiar white alicorn with a deep red mane and tail, was holding little Max with her wings, gently nuzzling the frightened boy. "Yes," she smiled warmly while slowly rocking the child, "I think you will do nicely…"

"Wait, NO!" Luna suddenly cried out when the picture faded away. Dawn knew that feeling, but kept his/her mouth shut.

B…but," Moon shook her head in disbelief. "It couldn't… there is no way…"

"That's it, you want to be firm, to get the tangles out, yet gentle enough as to not pull the hairs out of her tail." Dawn activated the next frame he remembered, the one were 12 year old Max was brushing the tail of a young foal… while the white alicorn stood next to him giving tips.

To Dawn's surprise, while Luna and Moon moved from one frame to the next, desperately trying to find more memories that held the Queen… Celestia hadn't moved an inch. Instead she stood stock still, mouth agape and trembling. He was about to ask her if she was ok, when he felt somepony step up behind him.

"Little pony, be not afraid
The rain pounds harsh against the glass
Like an unwanted stranger
There is no danger
I am here tonight,"

This time when Luna and Moon turned, they became speechless for before them, stepping up to Celestia's side… Queen Mother Faust softly sang a lullaby as she gently nuzzled her eldest daughter.

"Little pony, be not afraid
Though thunder explodes
And lightning flash
Illuminates your tearstained face
I am here tonight…"

"…Mama…" the Princess of the Sun whimpered, tears streaming down her cheeks as her legs threatened to buckle underneath her.

"And someday you'll know
That nature is so
This same rain that draws you near me
Falls on rivers and land
And forests and sand
Makes the beautiful world that you see
In the morning"

As she sang she nodded towards Luna who quickly rushed over, the eyes of the moon princess tearing up as well.

"Little pony, be not afraid
The storm clouds mask your beloved moon
And its candlelight beams
Still keep pleasant dreams
I am here tonight…"

Quietly she let the song fade before looking her two daughters over. "My how much you two have grown, my beloved little ponies," yet as she spoke she looked up and gazed at the dark horse in the room. "But I must ask, why do you not join us?"

"We are Nightmare Moon your highness, we are… were an evil aspect of your daughter Luna," she stammered. "We… I have no place…"

"Silence, I may not have birthed you," the Queen hushed her, though she never lost her warm smile. "But you are part of this family, now come dark daughter and join your family."

With feeling welling up within her Moon bounded over. "You too Red Dawn, get your shebs (yes, I've watched Star Wars) over here," Faust happily smiled as she wrapped her wings around her offspring. The reunion while joyous was unfortunately short lived. "While I know you all have so many questions, I'm afraid my time here is short…"

"Short," Luna gasped. "But why?"

"While I have may have found a loophole in the curse that banished me," the Queen sighed sadly, "I cannot say long."

"…But…"

"Luna, let her please explain," Celestia calmed her sister, if only for the moment.

"Thank you my dear," Faust gave her eldest a wink. "But first, a warning about the Crystal Empire."

"Why the warning?" The sun princess inquired. "I have seen the signs and know of its soon return."

"Yes, but you will need more than just the Elements of Harmony to stop Sombra," she acknowledged. "Ponies who have only known love and harmony can easily corrupted by his hate and anger, yet the humans have lived with hate and are not so easily swayed by it. When the empire returns, you must send the humans as well."

"I will… ask for their assistance, mother."

"Good, Now if you will all lend me your horns…"

"Helloooo." Max waved a hoof as the 4 ponies before him went from pressing their horns together to a combination of laughing and crying while hugging each other tightly. God he was really confused at this point. "Look, anypony mind if I head back to Twilight?"

"Yeah," Dawn sighed contently. "Go have fun…" To see mother again, even briefly, was a good feeling for him. Like sex, but less perverted.

"Max wait." Celestia called as she broke away from the hug and trotted over. "I just learned that some humans have more than just a first and last name, so before you go, can you tell me yours?"

'Fucking took you long enough, Celly.' Dawn thought as she eyed the white alicorns.

Blinking in slight confusion, the male Sunbutt gave a shrug as he answered. "I thought I told you already, it's Max Tarrant Rex."

"Thank you Max," she flashed him a warm smile as he turned and left.

"You do know what the name Tarrant translates into," Dawn asked once the door had closed.

"It means Thunder," Luna gasped at the realization. "His name translates into Great Thunder King."

"I know," Celestia whispered, her heart fluttering with joy. "The Storm King, my future husband, is Max."

One Long Day

"Most of the systems in the bunker were disabled or destroyed when the reactor went critical," Mark said as he slowly walked around the central control console, the flashing lights, pinball launcher and the odd car part or ten calling out to him.

"So with all hope, HAL is gone for good." the pony with the hourglass cutie mark grunted from where he stuck out from beneath said console. "Once I finish upgrading Idris's Dimensional-Bridge generators, I'll check and make sure that there is no way for him to escape…"

"Idris?" Mark asked while peering at what looked like the master brake cylinder and reservoir off a British taxi. He was just about to reach out and touch it when a low rumbling bell sounded somewhere above his head. There was a sharp thud from under the console, followed quickly by a few choice curses. "What the hell?"

"The cloister bells," Time Turner suddenly hopped up onto his hooves and began his odd dance with the TARDIS' controls. After a moment he froze, his eyes locked on the two swiveling display screens. At first his mouth opened and closed, yet no sound came out… "It can't be," he finally whispered.

"What's wrong Doc?" Mark asked after stepping up behind the Time Lord.

"There is a TARDIS nearby, and it's in trouble," he said while studying the screens. "It's a Type 36 and her Time Rotor just ruptured…"

"I thought you were the last," was all Mark got out as once again, Turner's hooves were sent flying over the console. "er… what are you doing?"

"I'm making a vortex tunnel to guide them in," he panted as he jumped from one section of the console to the next. "Think of it as an astral rescue slide," he grunted as lights flashed and the beep-beep sound of a truck backing up echoed from somewhere. Mark wouldn't be surprised if Turner actually had a truck in the TARDIS. "All I need to do is find an empty room to dump them into and… there!"

Before Mark could ask, the pony abruptly bolted off down a side corridor. Intersections and rooms rushed by as he followed Turner, past a gigantic water-park complete with wave-pool, and through a library the size of the Vatican. Until he finally came to a skidding halt… literally, he stopped to the sound of screeching tires.

"Well?" Mark gasped for breath, leaning heavily against one of the grey octagonal walls.

"I am not alone," he repeated under his breath several times before stepping through the doorway and into…

"Huh… it's empty," the human observed as he wandered in. The room was a good size, probably some 30x30 foot and completely vacant except for a janitor closet.

"This can't be, it should have materialized right here," he murmured as he turned and trotted from the room. Yet as he was about to pass through the door he paused, "Wait a tick, this room isn't supposed to have a janitor closet."

Sure enough, as they approached the arched closet doorway, they could see that it rested some three feet away from the back wall. Oddly enough, it looked like the holodeck arch from Star Trek's TNG. It was a tan box-shaped ach some 10 feet wide, 7-1/2 feet tall and 2 feet deep. At the back of the alcove formed by the arch was a 5 foot wide double hatchway.

"How strange, Maintenance and Cleaning Supply alcove number C-14," Time Turner remarked as he stood on his hind legs to read what was printed on the door, "It's taken the outer form of a janitor's closet from the High Citadel on Gallifrey…"

"Isn't that your home world?"

"Indeed," he nodded before a slight hiss drew in our attention as the double door slowly parted and slid open.

Dark acrid smoke belched out at the two, along with the sparks of frying electronics and the steady pinging of an SOS beacon. Unlike the Doctor's TARDIS, with its multi-leveled control room, this one was a flat open space with the control island in the center of the room. Bundles of cabling hung from the ceiling while piping of all sizes made up large sections of the walls.

Most of the room was in darkness save for the main console which glowed a purplish color. The Time Rotor that jetted up out of the command island was dark, its clear outer housing was cracked in several spots. Here and there lights would flicker on, spark, and go dark… creating an eerie strobe affect throughout the room.

"So mind if I ask? Besides being older than your own Type 40," Mark inquired as he turned on the flashlight sized floodlight that was on his right shoulder. "Is there anything I should know about this hunk of junk?"

"It's younger…" Turner corrected him as he ventured over to the control island. "And they are two different types. Mine is an old TT exploration capsule model that can house thousands of crew… if I ever had any besides you. While this is a TX sport model made for a crew of less than 20."

"Crew of thousands. Huh." Mark blinked as he paned his floodlight around. "So just how big is you're TARDIS in the real?"

"Roughly the size of Manhattan… Manhattan island…" he shrugged as he looked over the console. "At least on the outside anyhow, but she is so much bigger on the inside."

"No shit?"

"Turn her inside out and she could easily encompass the earth," he was saying when there came a mechanical whine and the overhead lights flickered on once more and stayed on, illuminating the ruined control room… and the Dalek looming silently behind Time Turner.

"Mark, are you… let me guess, there's something behind me," he asked as he turned and… looked up. "Oh my, this isn't good."

Very, very, very slowly Turner backed away from the cybernetic killing machine while Mark fingered the 1911 pistol at his side. In truth, the gun was no match for the Dalek's defenses and would probable just piss it off, but inwardly it made him feel a bit more confident knowing it was there. "This is bad, right?"

"Yes Mark, this is bad," Turner nodded after reaching the human's side, the Dalek's eye stalk watching his every movement.

"I picked a bad day to not wear my armor…"

"Ok, Joe, I've got the main power up and running again, along with life-support." From somewhere behind and to the right of the deadly Dalek, a young woman with sandy blond hair tied in a ponytail came marching through an unseen hallway. "Not that you need it, you have your own backup systems, but at least I won't die…" she gabbed on as she made her way over to the command island and the stationary Dalek. It was only after, that she became aware of the two interlopers. "Er," she paused as she glanced between the human and the small pony, before looking to the Dalek and asking, "Friends of yours?"

"It can't be," Turner suddenly gasped out, taking several steps towards the girl. "Jenny?"

"Hmmm, yes," her head whipped back around. "Do I know you?"

"But your dead," he blinked in dismay. "Martha, Donna, and I… we watched you die."

An odd look quickly overtook the young woman as she dropped to one knee and gazed into Turner's eyes. For a long moment in time they just stared at each other until her face suddenly lit up and she flung her arms around the Time-Lord's neck. "DADDY!"

"Daddy!?" Both Mark and the Dalek asked at the same time. It took Mark a moment to remember an episode of Dr. Who. And thus he facevisored. Or facehelmeted. Whatever.

"I was on an old Vodash freighter heading to who knew where when we were attacked by the Dalek," Jenny said as she took a moment to look over her new pony body. Except for her almost blond mane, she had the same brown coat of fur as Time Turner and the same hourglass cutie mark. "I was running for an escape pod when I bumped into this bloke here and a few of his friends, gods I thought I was dead."

"So how did you get way?" Mark asked as he handed her a mug of tea. She would need it before she passed out from the regeneration schtick.

"Joe here saved me," she gave a curt nod toward the Dalek who hadn't uttered a word since finding out Turner was Jenny's father… ok, so she is his clone daughter, but so what. "Somehow he tricked the others into believing he had exterminated me, and after they left, he guided me to the pods… only we never made it."

"And your TARDIS?" Turner inquired as he kept glancing at the killing machine in the room.

"We were in the number 6 cargo hold when we stumbled upon the arch," she confirmed between sips of her tea. "At first I couldn't get the doors open, but then there was this terrible explosion and all the cargo shifted. We were going to be crushed when the doors opened on their own, causing Joe and I too fall into a TARDIS."

"Before we go into anymore detail about your TARDIS," Mark sighed, god this girl could talk n talk and keep talking. "Mind telling me why a Dalek, unfeeling killers of the universe, saved your life?"

"Joe isn't a true Dalek, he was a human that they mutated into one," she clarified as she reached out and put a hoof on his plunger. "He was one of the first, and never quite lost his humanity. It lay dormant inside of him until we met, something about me woke him up, right Joe?"

Joe's eyestalk swiveled down to gaze at the new Jenny pony, and while he/it didn't say anything, Jenny suddenly brightened and smiled. "See…" she chirped.

"But he didn't say anything," Mark blinked.

"Sure he did, heck he hardly ever shuts up…"

Mark again blinked, his gaze shifting between the Dalek and the mare who was now hugging it. "Dude, I feel for you, I really do."

"Thank you," Joe sighed in his techno-monotone voice…

Wait, he sighed? Whatever... Fuck, I need a drink right now.

[Hour later later]

"Hey Mark, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Turning away from the weapon inspection he was doing, Mark found Pinkie Pie standing at the open doorway. "If it's about the welcome party for Time Turner's daughter," he said while placing the BAR back on its stand. "Then I'm afraid I can't attend…"

"It's not about the party, silly," she giggled. "It's about Luke."

"Then sure, how is Gallan holding up," Mark inquired. Gallan had been sick since getting back from the bunker, even after both Dawn and Moon had cured all of them from their exposure to the leaking reactor… Gallan had gotten the worst of it.

"He's getting better," he heard her say while checking the Grease Guns, however it was the sound of a deadbolt sliding home that caused him to turn around.

The next thing Mark remembered was that he was flat on his back with Pinkie standing on top of him, her front hooves pinning his arms to the ground. "What the fuck Pinkie," he demanded, only to suddenly realize something was way wrong with the party pony.

"Pinkie isn't here right now," she sneered, a wicked smile spreading across her muzzle. And indeed she now looked nothing like normal (if one could say that without laughing) Pinkie. Her main and tail had lost their curly bounce, her eyes had taken on a wild look, and her fur had darkened.

"Then who are you supposed to be," he asked while trying to lift the mare off him… only he couldn't. Not only was Pinkie no longer happy n bubbly, she was heavy as sin.

"My name, is Pinkamena," her wild eyes gazed down at him as her smile turned manic. "And I have a bone to pick with you."

"Oh fuck me…" He had lived through Marine bootcamp, died in a fiery explosion, met death face to face (and punched him in the face on more than one occasion), and survived having half his face melted off… and nothing put the fear of God in him more that this pink mare.

Thank the stars above that Apple was at school.

"Hush now," she cooed as she leaned her face closer to his. "I will speak, and once I'm done, you will agree with me… or I will make the cupcake story seem like a children's comedy." She paused as she slowly licked his left cheek, her tongue leaving a wet trail. "Now nod if you understand."

Quickly Mark nodded.

"I know that Luke is a soldier, and I know there is a chance that he will die each time he goes off to do battle," Pinkamena growled. "But if you ever send him on another suicide mission, even if he volunteers, then I well make what happened to Rainbow Dash in that accursed story seem like pleasure compared to what I will do to you… do you understand?"

Mark quickly nodded again.

"Excellent," she leaned even closer, until her lips were next to his left ear. "One last thing," she whispered. "You will never tell anypony about this conversation. Not Applejack, and especially not Pinkie… or I will be back. Got it?"

Once more he nodded.

"I didn't hear you Marine!" she suddenly barked into his face.

"MA'AM YES MA'AM!" His old training kicked in.

With a satisfied nod, Pinkamena backed away several steps before the room was filled with the shrill sound of a party horn and her eyes went vacant. Then with a loud POOF her main and tail filled back out as her coat shifted to bright pink. "Oh my, now why did I come in here again," she blinked several times before shaking her head. "Oh well, I'll remember sooner or later," she giggled before bounding out the door, happily singing her "lalala" song.

Mark simply stared at her, before shakingly getting to his feet.

"I think I'd rather go hang out with Dash..." He muttered, looking at the grease gun he was about to inspect. With a shake of his head (and hands), he exited the room.

[Everfree Forest, Dawn]

"Where is she..." I muttered, looking for a certain ghost. I hate referring her as one, but she will not leave this plane of existance and follow me into the Afterlife until Sunny Town gets destroyed for their sins. I knew I should have simply called in a legion to eradicate them off of the earth, but I was a little naive back then. A hundred years in the far past where I witnessed the world end up in war twice within forty years slapped that right the fuck out of me. With a battleship.

Ruby's a good girl, but when you want to find her it can be annoying as fuck. Especially since the damned residents come out the closer one gets to Sunny Town.

"You can come out now." I called out after a moment, sensing that I was being followed. "I know you're not an animal, since they kinda hate being in my presence." Seriously; everything in this forest fears me. A changeling slowly creeped forward, the oddest thing about him instantly stood out; his eyes were a crimson color instead of green or blue.

"Why were you following me?" I asked without letting up on my walking. I knew that I was getting closer to Sunny Town.

"I don't normally see ponies this deep..." He quietly replied. "I wanted to know what you were doing."

"Visiting the most cursed place on this planet besides Tartarus." I answered. "Somebody owes me answers, and I intend to get them."

"You're not scared of me?" The changeling asked, perking up a little.

"The only thing I'm scared of is myself, when I lose control of my emotions." I truthfully replied. "What's your name?"

"Crimson Dust..." He answered, getting closer to me. I guess he sensed the aura of death that I was emitting, because he froze.

"That's why I'm not afraid of you." I let out a short chuckle, before looking down the path again. He paused for a moment before continuing to follow me.

"What place are you talking about?" He asked, tilting his head to the side in confusion.

"It's Sunny Town, a place cursed for their own ignorance a thousand years ago." I answered. "During the day it seems all lovely and crap, an eternal party. When night falls, the houses have rotted away while the residents show their true colors."

"It's not even an hour away from becoming night, though!" Crimson exclaimed.

"The curse won't affect those who come with me, since I was the one who cast it." I answered. Crimson frowned.

"What do you mean by that?" He asked.

"The ponies of Sunny Town did the one single act that is punishable by death... Or worse." I answered. Crashing to our left put the changeling on guard, but looked confused when Mark emerged, looking at me in confusion.

"The fuck you doing here?" He asked, before looking at Crimson. "And who's this? Chrysalis didn't mention any runaway changelings recently."

"I was a part of Queen Helix's Hive many years ago." He answered. "My name is Crimson Dust."

"I'm Apple!" Mark's daughter announced, popping up from behind a shoulder guard. I was surprised that she could finally talk, but I held it in.

"Is Mugs back there?" Mark asked, much to my confusion.

"Mugs?" I rose an eyebrow. "Another changeling?"

"Camel spider." He answered, pausing for a moment before sighing. "And now he's in my shirt. Bloody bastard enjoys being in my clothes..."

"Pet?" I asked while Crimson was looking back and forth in extreme confusion.

"Super smart pet. Hell, since I brought him here he's grown bigger." Mark answered, falling into step beside me. With no idea what he was possibly getting into, Crimson reluctantly followed. "Like I asked before, what are you doing in here?"

"Looking for Ruby." I answered. "You've probably met her before; grey filly with sorta blond hair. Her eyes glow yellow." His eyes narrowed at me.

"Is she one of those goddamn zombies?" He asked. "Because I almost put a bullet into her when I did meet her."

"She's a ghost, so whoever was behind her at the time would've been shot instead." I answered. "If anyone knows what brought in Sergio, it would be her. Special talent's finding things."

"Goddamn detective story vibes..." Mark sighed, before looking at Crimson. "So, what's your story?"

"What do you mean?" He was a little confused.

"Why did you leave Queen Helix's Hive and come to this shithole?" He clarified, and I heard something about Mogadishu being muttered.

"I was an outcast, and when a group of 'fellow' changelings tried to kill me I decided enough was enough." He answered.

"You didn't come to Ponyville, or any other pony city?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Every time I tried, I was chased away by the guards." He sighed, looking down.

"How long ago was the last time you tried going to a town?" Mark asked as I frowned at the incompetence of my guardsponies.

"Seven years ago." He answered, causing the both of us to look at each other.

"Explains why he isn't in Ponyville." I told Mark in German, who caught on immediately.

"Decided to become a recluse two years before we signed that treaty. And I heard from Chrysalis that she wanted to extend the terms to the other Hives as a sign of goodwill. Naturally, I agreed." He replied. "We decided to stop sending prisoners to the Hive, because of them able to manufacture salt water."

"How hungry are you?" I suddenly asked Crimson.

"I'm always hungry..." He sighed. "There's barely any food that I can take down successfully, but I manage." As he spoke, Apple pulled a bottle out from in front of Mark's chest.

"D-Drink this." She said, even pulling the straw out for him. He stared at her in confusion.

"It's good for you, trust me." I added. He probably didn't trust me, but he slowly put his 'lips' around the tube and gently sucked.

Fuck, I'm becoming Mark. That was not supposed to sound perverted.

Anyway, his eyes widened when he realized that the salt water tasted exactly like happiness to a changeling.

"See?" Mark said, looking around as he fingered a rifle. Couldn't tell what type, but it looked WWII. "Perfect for changelings, discovered by Apple and I."

"What is it?" Crimson asked, tilting his head to the side.

"Salt water." He answered. "I'm seriously surprised that ya'll never figured it out. Hell, first time I went to the beach I drank some water, thinking it wasn't filled with salt. Vomited for several minutes straight." At my blank look, he chuckled. "I drank close to a gallon."

"You're an idiot." I sighed, shaking my head. Mark shrugged before putting his helmet back on, and turned on a floodlight, blinding the fuck out of me.

"Sorry." He wasn't. "So, which way?"

"Follow me." I said, knowing that they might as well come with me or risk turning.

[Mark]

So, met a new changeling with cool eyes and now I'm stuck going to the one part of this goddamn forest I don't want to. Still, we all (Apple, Dawn and I) knew it was a smart idea to stick together in this accursed place. I fingered my flamethrower's trigger, glad that I brought it.

'Nothing beats zombie barbecues, besides the fact that they become walking torches.' I thought with a small grin, keeping an eye out for anything out of the ordinary, for this forest anyway.

"It's qui-" Crimson started, but I closed his face with my hand.

"Finish that and we'll have a hydra on our arses." I said. He stared at me with wider eyes than usual.

"Don't be scaring the n-newbies, dad." Apple scolded from my shoulder.

"Hold up." Dawn suddenly said, causing Crimson and I to immediately come to a halt. I brought up the nozzle, but he waved me down. "We won't be needing that."

"You don't want me to torch the place to the ground."

"I would rather that happen, but it would simply regrow. The curse would need to be lifted before the town can be destroyed." He sighed.

"Fine then." I said, before changing my flammenwerfer into an energy sword. "Close quarters it is. With Apple and Crimson here, I don't want to run the risk of friendly fire, no matter how slim. That and your eyes look like theirs, no offence." I said to the changeling, shrugging a little. He still looked nervous as hell, but he nodded slowly. "Stay behind me and watch my six, don't want any of them to try and sneak up on me."

"Good idea. I don't want to find out if the curse can't penetrate your armor or not. Even though it has minor magic protection, I don't exactly cast minor magics." Dawn added as we walked into 'Sunny Town'. At the moment, it looked sorta like Ponyville, except there was a party going on in the middle of town.

As we walked through the town slowly, a thought came to mind.

"We really need a drill instructor or someone similar to come here." I said, examining the hilt of my sword. "I challenged Shiny to a sparring match. No magics, no weapons, and no armor. I kicked his sorry ass before he knew what hit him." That and it would be funny if Blueballs angered a DI.

"How bad?" Dawn asked as Crimson shook like a bitch.

"Knocked out three teeth, broke his face, chipped his horn, broke a few ribs, and his left foreleg is still in a cast." I answered. "Cadence is still a little pissed at me."

"Hello there!" A grey stallion called out, trotting towards our group. "It's not often we get new ponies in Sunny Town. Name's Grey Hoof. What brings you all here?"

"Looking for somepony." Dawn tactfully said. "Would you happen to know where Ruby is?" I swear, Dawn's eyes flashed pure silver for a second.

"Oh, her?" Grey Hoof said, looking around. "I dunno. She didn't come to the party." All three of us knew he was lying. (Crimson was doing his best to avoid being spotted.)

"Ah, well." Dawn waved his hoof around. "Would you mind if we took a look around?"

"Not at all!" He replied with a grin. "Ya'll can enjoy the party if you want!"

"Thank you." Dawn nodded before turning to me. "Thankfully he doesn't remember me."

"How bad was he when ya cursed the town?" I asked as we started walking.

"He led the group that murdered Ruby." He sighed, looking at the ground. "Beat her to death with their hooves and burned the body in a fireplace."

"Why the hell did they do that?" I asked in disgust. The changelings may not understand german, but they could fucking tell we were on a horrifying topic. For ponies, anyway. Tame as fuck when compared to the SAW series.

"She got her cutie mark." That made me pause.

"This place needs to goddamn burn." I growled.

"What were you doing in the forest, anyway?" Dawn suddenly asked, causing me to blink.

"Hunting." I answered. "I can only go so long with government fake food before I snap. The others agree. I was hoping to bag a manticore and drag the fucker back so we could have a barbeque." I could tell he wasn't going to ask how I was gonna bring it back, since I do have a rip in space and time hovering six inches from my chest.

"Right. You're lucky the only poisonous part of a manticore is the stinger." Dawn muttered, looking around again. "Look for the only depressed pony in the town, she'll know where Ruby would likely be."

"Who's that?" I asked.

"Mitta." He answered. "I was... rather lenient on her punishment, considering that she was Ruby's mother and didn't partake in the murder."

"What did she do?" I asked.

"She begged Grey Hoof to allow Ruby to leave instead of killing her." Dawn sighed. "Needless to say, it didn't work."

"She look as zombified as the rest of them?"

"Not completely. She stank and all, but her body is relatively intact. Pretty much classic old horror zombies for you." He answered. "Right now she's a grey earth pony with red for her hair."

"Got it." I nodded. "Split up so we can find her faster?"

"Crimson, follow me." Dawn said. "Mark can take care of himself. Just don't eat the food; it's also cursed, but differently." From the way he said that I knew that it would fuck me over almost instantly.

I wandered off on my own, and soon noticed a path past a well. Unlike the others paths set around the town, this one was kinda shitty looking, with the way the trees were growing over it. With no other leads, I walked down it with Apple clinging to my left shoulder guard.

"How dark is it for you, daddy?" She asked, since she had low as fuck light vision.

"Look away." I said, reaching up to turn my floodlights back on. She did, instinctively shutting her eyes. The path was bathed in light, and at the end sat a run down cottage. Except this cottage was smaller than Fluttershy's, so it could be more of a shed. I went a little further, and I noticed someone resting on the ground under the cottage's right window. A gray earth pony mare with crimson hair.

"There she is..." I muttered, walking up to her. She heard me coming as she looked up, and squinted in the light.

"Who's there?" She cautiously asked. Before I could answer, she started decaying. Trusting Dawn, I didn't shoot her automatically. Once the curse finished taking effect, her body had become grimy and dark, her mane and tail scraggly and dull. Her eyes had become like two glowing red beacons like all the other zombies.

"My name's Mark." I answered, turning a little to keep the floodlight from blinding her. "I came here with a group, looking for you, Mitta."

"H-How do you know who I am?" She asked.

"The one who cursed this town is back." I sighed. "Except he isn't here to finish the job. He's looking for your daughter." She visibly calmed down.

"I can assure you she isn't here." Mitta said. "Why are you looking for my Ruby?"

"Timeithian has a question for her. I kinda tagged along." I answered, using his royal name since they didn't know him by Red Dawn. Holding up a finger, I pulled out the flare gun salvaged from Hannah when she crashed, and pointed skyward. "I'm signaling him." I explained before she could ask, and fired off the flare, lighting up the area with a dull red as it went skyward.

"Now we wait..." Apple muttered, flittering down in front of Mitta.

"What are you?" She asked, looking at the changeling. "Some kind of insect?"

"Somet-thing like that." Apple replied.

"She's a changeling." I explained. "Think of alicorns that are insects and smaller, except for the rulers. Most can't use magic, but they can fly."

"What do you all eat?" Mitta asked, passing the time more than anything.

"Emotions and salt water for her." I nodded to the filly. "As a human, my species had the claim of having attempted to eat anything. To put that in perspective, we had edible chairs." I said for me.

"What do you mean, had?" Mitta rose a rotted eyebrow.

"Humans are extinct on this planet." I sighed, taking my helmet off. She got a good look of my face, before Dawn came over.

"Hello, Mitta." He sighed, looking at her.

"My lord." She stiffly replied, bowing a little. He waved his hoof.

"No need for the treatment, Mitta. I'm not here on a royal visit." Dawn dismissed. "All I need to know is where Ruby is."

"You've come to take her away?" She asked, worry lacing her undead features. I noted that Crimson was shaking like a goddamn leaf.

"No." He said. "She won't go into the afterlife until you do as well." That brought some comfort to Mitta, at least.

"She's inside." Mitta nodded to the door behind her. "It calms her to be where she was murdered by Grey Hoof, for some reason." She all but spat out the name. Dawn thanked her and I pulled a flashlight out, since my floodlight was way too bright for the interior. We went inside after I opened the door, and were met with the inside of the place.

It only had one big room. Judging by the conditions of the walls and the few pieces of furniture in the cottage, not to mention just how dusty it was in there, this place seemed to be very much touched by the flow of time without any kind of magical intervention. It looked as if it had not been used for years, possibly even centuries.

The only furniture in the room seemed to be a table on one side with a bed in the far corner. There was also a fireplace in the center of the furthest wall. Sitting in front of the fireplace was the filly we were looking for.

"Ruby?" I called out. She looked at my face and looked shocked for a moment.

"You survived?" She asked, tilting her head to the side. "We were going pretty fast and the path wasn't exactly smooth." Apple looked at me in confusion.

"I'm a lot harder to kill than I look." I chuckled. "I'm just glad I didn't get run over again. How's the face?"

"It doesn't hurt. How about the other human?" She replied.

"Doc got over it." I shrugged. "Anyway, I didn't come here to catch up with ya. Dawn has a question for you."

"Still trying to get me to leave?" She asked him, frowning a little.

"Only when Mitta truly dies. I'm sorry for constantly hounding you about that." He sighed, before shaking his head. "When Mark met you, a human appeared, but not by Celestia, Luna or I."

"Sergio?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. "What about him?"

"Did you bring him here?" He asked. She chuckled a little.

"I was looking for somepony that could protect me, since they were chasing me." She explained. "Mother was forced to stay here, so she couldn't help. I probably brought him in by accident, but what I really found was that machine of the humans."

"So it was an accident?" I asked her. She nodded.

"I wouldn't know how to send him back, I'm afraid." She apologized, while I waved my hand.

"Don't worry about it. He was dying anyway. Just think of it as saving someone's life and leave it at that." Not to mention that he's making 'classical' sounds with Octavia. She grinned a little.

"Is there anything else you need from me?" She asked.

"Will you be okay here, or do you want us to escort you out?" I asked. She looked through a window in alarm.

"Shoot, mother was supposed to tell me when the sun was setting so I could leave!" She sighed, and nodded. "Could you please take me to the old castle?" That was half a click to the west, so I nodded.

"Here." I said, before picking her up and putting her in my pocket. "It's so they don't notice you." Apple decided to join her. I spared a glance at the fireplace, noting that there were charred bones in there. At least they killed her before burning her body...

"Well?" Mitta asked as we stepped outside into the darkness and I turned my floodlight back on.

"Got the answer I was looking for." Dawn replied. "We're taking her to the Everfree castle, so you don't have to worry about her well being for tonight." She brightened up at that.

As we walked away from the entrance, Grey Hoof smiled in a creepy as fuck way and waved a rotten appendage at us.

"Come back soon!" He rasped.

Fuck that. The time I come back is when the curse is lifted, and I'll be leading the others in a charge to eliminate all of the fuckers.

[Mark, Dreamland or some other gay bullshit]

"This has been one messed up day..." I muttered. At the moment I was patrolling around the space in between dreams, keeping a sharp eye out for the black auras that signify that a pony or human is having a nightmare. Doing my new night job was relatively simple; beat the ever living fuck of the nightmare's daemons and help the tormented.

Here's a little tip for the others; green means neutral, red means semi-nightmare, blue means depressing, black is a nightmare and thus is top priority, pink is passionate (aka sex), yellow is neutral, grey means that one is browsing through dreams and thus can't be interacted with (if s/he is in a dream. The void allows you to talk to another.) and white is joy. Fuck, don't stare at a joy for too long or it'll make your brain hurt.

The void is also able to be classified by whatever you fancy. If you think hard enough, you can actually browse through a list of people you know, and can sort the list to contain people. In all honesty, it would be beneficial to sort the humans away from the pone and just mash all of us into a big list, instead of taking the time to go through and think of how to list us.

Anyway, I got a ping, letting me know that two people wanted to talk to me. Not seeing the harm, I opened up a rip in the void and stepped in, keeping it open for them. Who would'a thunk that Discord and Faust appeared?

"Whelp, I've seen everything that I can in one day." I sighed, rubbing my helmet in exasperation.

"You know we love ya." Discord chuckled. I rolled my eyes at him but didn't comment.

"How'd you get in here, anyway? Before you respond, that was meant for Faust." I asked, cutting Discord off before he could open his mouth.

"The 'curse' that came with the package has many exploitable loopholes." She smiled, hugging me. I hugged back while Discord pouted off to the side.

"Fuck it." I sighed, raising my right arm out for him. Bastard joined the hug for a moment.

"So, what's with the meeting?" I asked, materializing a few couches for them to sit/recline on as I took one of my own.

"Just wanted to catch up with my father, more or less." Faust grinned, and I had no problem with that.

You see, even though I never sired her, she considers me her father after all the bullshit I paddled through (without a paddle, mind you. I had to go up shit creek with my hands and it was nasty.) to save her hide. I honestly find it flattering; being the surrogate father of an actual 'god'. Same goes for Discord, and I would've treated him a little less harshly during his 'rampage' through Equestria if I had known what he truly meant to me.

"Staying in that blasted stone garden is so boring!" Discord moaned, doing a Rarity on the couch.

"It's good to see my 'children', trust me." I chuckled, taking my helmet off and putting it to the side. What I also like about the dream void is that you can do whatever the fuck you want, so I was wearing USMC BDUs and normal infantry equipment.

"And what you did to me made me feel like you hate me!" Discord accused, pointing a claw at me. In response I chucked a carton of chocolate milk at him to distract him, before turning to Faust.

"How long do you have?" I asked, leaning forward a little.

"About five minutes." She smiled sadly. I sighed; she couldn't get a damn break anywhere, even in a place where time had less meaning than usual. "I just wanted to tell you that my son has something to tell you in the next couple of days. Be prepared for a long campaign in a cold place." She informed me while Discord drank the carton off of the milk.

"How long is 'long'?" I asked. "That can mean anywhere from a week to months or years."

"Hopefully it won't even take a month." She grinned a little, getting to her hooves. "I need to go now, father." She hugged me tightly, but not hard enough to where I couldn't return the embrace.

"I'll be waiting for your next visit." I said, lightly kissing her forehead. Buzz off; I do the same shit to Applebloom and Apple. She smiled at me before fading from sight, and I turned to my 'son'.

"Don't I get a kiss goodbye, too?" He asked, raising an eyebrow as he smirked. I gave him the finger with a chuckle, before waking up.

Jesus fuck I actually woke up when I meant to this time; 0500.

Author's Note

-Braces self for the flak-

Dropping into Frozen Hell

"You want us to what?" Bill asked Dawn as I curb-stomped the shit out of dead Necromorphs on Anon's laptop.

"You heard me. I need you all to accompany the Elements to the newly appeared Crystal Empire." Dawn answered. So that's what Faust was talking about...

"How will we be getting there?" I asked without looking up. I'm in a really hard part of the game, so I couldn't afford looking up.

"The Elements will be going by train." He replied, but laughed a little. "Since that this place is in Alaska, I'm sending you in by the C-5B Galaxy. You'll be using parachutes that Williams allowed me to clone from his, and landing about a mile outside the protective shield that Princess Cadence has cast."

"Why is there a shield around this Empire?" Bill asked the million dollar question.

"Because a corrupt unicorn that goes by the name of King Sombra has returned. Cadence has her hooves full of keeping that bloody shield up to where she can't fight back." He explained.

"How many of us are going in?" I asked, looking up while Isaac got decapitated.

"Everyone." Well, that was surprising. "Half by parachute, half by train."

"Will we be getting any other vehicles airdropped with us? The fiddy on the humvee will prove to be invaulable." I requested. "And so will the flamethrower on the Crocodile." Lucy was still too slow to think about using her; her crew would freeze to death before making it to the shield. We don't have enough armour yet, so they have to go in with their uniforms.

"I'll see what I can do to make them snowstorm proof." Dawn said before popping out, leaving me and my SEAL team mate alone with Necromorphs.

"It'll be easier on all of us if we had some more damn intel." I grunted, sitting back and looking out of the door. A few random changelings and other redshirts were trotting back and forth. All were doing their best to ignore my cursing.

"I've had to do worse with less." Bill commented with a shrug.

"I believe you. SEALs are the toughest sumbitches I know." I muttered, pausing the game and lighting a fag. "Want one?"

"Why the hell not?" He finally said, allowing me to light one (with my energy sword, of course) and hand it over. Now, back to Necromorphs raping me.

"Yo, Mark." Anon said while I was taking a small break for a little tea.

"Sup?" I asked of him, hearing Nightmare Moon mutter in the background. He replied back, but it was muffled due to a hand on the receiver.

"Just heard from Dawn that we're going to the Crystal Empire. There's a video on the laptop that would benefit you greatly, if you feel like skipping a lot of shit." He said, and I was right on leaving Dead Space to look it up. If I have a lazy way of correctly doing something, I'll do it.

"Name of the video?" I asked once I was on the desktop. Strictly told not to mess with it, so it had the background as half Nightmare Moon, half Luna. Jesus, it looked more horrifying than what NM really looks like.

"My Little Pony Friendship is Magic Season 3 Episode 1 and 2: The Crystal Empire." He responded. "If I'm guessing right, this shit's gonna go down similar to this."

"Jesus..." I muttered once Bill and I finished watching the video. There are no words, other than that the humans are gonna have some fun later on.

"Got a plan?" Williams asked, popping in once I shut the laptop off and put it in my desk.

"Solid as the brick I shat earlier." I replied, slinging my rifle (Dragunov) over my shoulder and exiting.

[Library]

"Ok you yahoos, settle down… settle down," Max called, once again the entire lot of humans, both male and the two females, were crammed into Twilight Sparkle's basement. However, instead of a lecture on pony anatomy, this one was on something more life changing. "Tonight I'll be giving you a hands on demo of the proper care and use of the Tactical Battle Dress Uniform from HALO's ODST." Pretty much this; yea, we're ripping off a game, but we have da magicks. We do what we want.

"ODST stands for Orbital Drop Shock Trooper," as Max spoke, three individuals dressed in armor stepped out before the onlookers and took an 'At Ease' stance, their hands clasped behind their backs. "However, before any of you ask, no, we will not be dropping any of you from space. So if anypon… anyone can think of a better name for the armor, suggestions will be welcome." Though it would be fun and extreme as all hell for a deployment. Sadly, we don't have any vehicles, yet, that can attain high atmosphere flight.

"How about Overly Dick Sucking Tragedy," Callum called out. And while he got a few chuckles, most just rolled their eyes.

"As you can see for yourselves, the armor comes in three different types," the Master Sergeant went on, stepping forward to indicate each in turn. "The first is the most widely used, called the CQB or Close Quarter Battle suit, the second is the Sharpshooter, and the third is the Recon."

"The Close Quarters Battle suit as demonstrated by 1st Lieutenant Anonymous," Max waved a hand towards the solder in the black armor with olive drab markings and a rank on the left pauldron. "This will be our standard battle armor. While designated as a CQB suit, this variant has also been issued to any demolition experts, such as our beloved General. This uniform is specifically designed to aid a trooper in CQB situations."

"The standard right pauldron, or bicep-shield is a long, two piece ballistic plate, which aids in protecting the trooper's upper body while in a firing stance," as he spoke Anon pulled his weapon and took a stance to demonstrate. "It well also reduces severe injury from magic-based weaponry. The helmet is also issued with an optics device that aids the user in relaying images and video to teammates or command."

"The Sharpshooter will be issued to all our sniper experts," moving over he indicated Jane Shepard in her flat dark-grey armor with its red markings. "This uniform is designed to give a sniper more freedom in combat, the standard left arm guard and shoulder pad is removed, allowing the sniper to aim better and move his or her arm more freely with a sniper rifle, while the standard right pauldron is replaced with a larger plate to protect the sniper's arm from counterattacks. The Sharpshooter variant is also issued with an optics device attachment for their weapon, called the Oracle Scope, it can up-link to the user's HUD and allows for greater accuracy."

"Lastly there is the Recon," again Max stepped over and indicated Judy in her blue and silver armor. "This specialized variant of the armor is issued to those who are trained in reconnaissance operations or require better mobility then the rest of us, such as the tank crews, pilots and medical staff."

"The undersuit is the same as the standard Trooper armor. However, the chest plate is replaced with specialized ones depending on the roll of the user, and to provide stealth capabilities with little or no loss of endurance, a Recon trooper's armor will significantly reduce his or her IR signature and reflective surfaces. There are no shoulder plates issued with this variant, which allows more freedom of the arm movement."

"It also has a better profile," one of the newer recruits (Krass) called, pointing out the figure hugging curves of Judy's Battle Dress Uniform.

"While that may be true," Max interjected, "You better not let Big Mac hear you saying that."

"Point taken sir," the man nodded.

"Now than, each of you will have a rucksack issued to you, for all intents and purposes, it's an armored backpack that attaches to the back of your armored vest." That said, each of the three solders turned and allowed Max to point out the packs. "The rucksack comes in a number of different variants. The main purpose is storage, which allows a trooper to store equipment, ranging from ammunition, to medical supplies, to explosives, and long range communications." The short range communications were built into the helmet.

"For longer missions, you can be issued a larger rucksack with enough supplies for two weeks of operation without external resupply. The rucksacks have integrated magnetic holding devices to allow for external back mounting of additional equipment. Equipment with magnetic properties, such as longer weaponry, can be carried externally over the rucksack eliminating the use of extra straps or slings."

"Light weight and strong, this suit of body armor is truly a force to be reckoned with. Made up of layered titanium and ceramic composite armor plating to give the user added protection." Max quickly concluded with, "So in short, this armor provides numerous advantages in the field, including ballistic protection, temperature control, as well as thermal insulation against extreme temperatures such as dragon's fire (but it's not a good idea to stand around while getting roasted.) and thermal protection from magical energy weapons. ODST Battle Armor can also, if necessary, perform a space EVA situations or in ocean depths of 500 feet, for short periods of time."

"How long is a short period," one of the crowd asked, yet before Max could answer, he was rudely interrupted.

"Wait, hold up…" Duffy stood up, an irate look in his eyes. "Did you say that the suit is temperature controlled?"

"Up to 30 minutes," Max quickly finished the first question before looking to Duffy. "And yeah, the inner layer of the body suit also contains a heating and cooling system, it regulates temperatures to keep the user warm or cool depending on the weather conditions… why?"

"Dammit, the whole time we were sweating our asses off in zebra land, Mark was all snug and cool in his armor…" Gallan groaned.

"That nigger!"

With a sigh, Max waited for the grunts and curses of displeasure to dwindle before continuing. "Now each of you will be allowed to personalize your individual armor's colors and the parts that attach to it, like how mine is plated gold and silver to represent Princess Celestia and her Day Guard…"

[On the Galaxy]

"Alright, we have ten minutes to drop! Secure the Humvee and Crocodile to their parachutes!" I yelled, getting everyone and Apple to move. Since we were going to be in Alaska, she has to be bundled the fuck up or risk dying of hypothermia.

"I'm all ready!" Apple chirped, fluttering onto my head.

"Vehicles are strapped in!" Duran and Callum yelled out, getting me to nod.

"Chutes on, prepare for deployment!" I called out, going to the rear hatch. Judy and Max opened it up ten minutes later, and I proceeded to push the vehicles out with the help of the others. The armor may be strong as fuck, but it doesn't augment our strength to the point of an ODST/Spartan.

I declined that modification when offered it; we already have impenetrable armor when it comes to projectiles (and magic, to a degree), rifles that can pop a head at a mile away, and the creativity of the most dangerous apex predator on the planet. We don't need to add super strength to the list.

"DROP!" I shouted, jumping with Bill, after the Sherman slid off with her crew inside. All of them wore the Recon armor, since it was kinda cramped in there.

Lemme tell you; 30,000 feet in asscold weather and heading down at terminal velocity is not enjoyable. Apple's lucky I have a pocket dimension that made everything at room temperature, or else she'd freeze to death almost instantly.

This damn ODST suit needs some minor calibration; it keeps the heat out, but not the cold. I could tell Bill was loving this, though. I was unlucky enough to still have the testing model, but it still fucking works, so I won't bitch too much.

"I've been waiting too goddamn long to do this again!" Bill exclaimed into our comms, laughing like mad.

"Well it sucks ass for me!" I retorted. "Ya'll are nice an' warm in the suits while my balls are freezing off!"

"Payback for Africa!" Duffy shouted as he fell past me, going into a diving motion. I stuck my middle finger out to his falling form before angling myself to where I'd fly like a precision brick.

"Twenty thousand feet!" I said over the comm. as Judy flew overhead, heading back to Ponyville. "We'll get a runway set up for you, if it's possible." I told her.

"If not, we still have the railroad to bring them here. Max and I will have to escort them, if that happens." She replied.

"I know. When I get the chance, remind me to get you situated with MP5's." I said, before doing a few barrel rolls because I had 18,000 feet to fuck around with. My team wasted a few minutes flying around in circles, before I had to become the fun police.

"Deploy chutes!" I called out, ripping the cord on my straps. I waited fifteen seconds; just my luck mine fucking malfunctions. "GODDAMMIT!"

"We can't get to you, Mark!" Bill yelled over the receiver. "None of us have reserve chutes!" I had a plan, but it was risky as fuck.

"Grab my hand if you can get to it before we hit the ground." I said, before pretty much forcing myself into the pocket six inches from my chest.

"Jesus fuck that's scary as hell." I heard Jane mutter before transmissions were cut.

"Daddy?" Apple asked in confusion as I shook some snow off of me. My right hand was sticking out of the rip, where some snow went into the room.

"Chute failed." I explained, looking around. I haven't really gotten a feel for the place, and it made me smile as I saw that Apple took use to some of the crap that I forgot in there and made Mugs a home away from dimension. "What did you do to my dimension?"

"Nothing much." She shrugged as I felt a hand curl around my own. I stuck my head out for a moment and noted that Callum was gripping it, giving me a nod.

"I got'cha, sir!" He said. I nodded and went back into my dimension, waiting out the fall.

After a while, I felt my hand hit the ground, so I hauled myself to my feet and got a good look around.

It was fucking white everywhere except for a blue dome a mile to the east.

"There's no way that Hannah can land here..." Jane told me after scouting a bit, somehow being the first to land. We got the two vehicles situated, which caused Callum and Duran to promptly load up in the Humvee, Callum claiming the fiddy.

"Hannah actual, that's a negative on the landing strip." Gallan said, pressing a finger on the side of his helmet. "You and the rest'll have to come in on the train."

"Roger that Alpha 3, we'll be back in a week." Judy sighed before leaving comm range.

"Operators, form up." I sighed, waiting for the four to appear. Standing in front of me ten seconds later, in order from left to right; Anderson "Nutcracker" Kenov, Brandon "Chief" Kenov, Elizabeth "Gunny" Ricotta, and Edward "Clockwork" Ash.

"Sir?" Nutcracker said with a salute, being all professional and shit.

"I want the four of you to go and scout out the Crystal Empire, see if there's anything bad happening at the moment." I started. "Remember our ROE; do not open fire unless attacked first, and only kill sentient beings if absolutely necessary. If you spot anyone being attacked, do not hesitate to help out."

"Yes sir!" All four snapped to attention and gave a salute, before turning around and jogging off. I shivered a little as I looked around again.

"Godfuckingdamnit it's cold." I swore, slowly trudging towards the Humvee. "Load up on vehicles and prepare to move out, we're just waiting on their signal."

"What's the signal?" Duran asked as I slid in, the interior slightly warmer than outside.

"Green flare if it's peaceful. Red for signaling that they need help." Rather easy, actually.

Crystal (Meth) Empire, Part 1

After walking/driving for half of the half mile we had to finish, two flares popped up at the edge of the barrier. One was red, while the other was green. That meant the locals would probably be hostile to an extent.

"That's the signal." I tapped Duran's shoulder, causing him to press the gas pedal to the floor. Glancing out of the door and behind us, I gave Blake a thumbs up, causing Athena to go full throttle after a moment. We went along for the rest of the journey, arriving at the shield at about the same time a few ponies (including Lovebutt and Armor) did.

The townsfolk (or would it be Empirefolk?) looked depressed as hell, but also curious and slightly unsettled.

"Top of the morn to you." I called out, getting out of Rover and walking up to the shield. "What's this shield made of?"

"Love and compassion." Cadence answered, smiling at me. "It keeps chaotic beings and anything with ill intents out."

"That may be problematic..." I sighed, looking at the others. "Do you think you can lower this side until my men and women get in?"

"What do you mean?" Armor asked in confusion. "Can't you simply walk through?"

"The only thing more chaotic than a human is stoned at the moment." To prove my point, I poked the shield. As soon as I came into contact with it, my finger bounced off and I received a low electrical shock. The ponies' eyes widened as I shook my hand, muttering in German.

"I see your point." Cadence sighed, creating a square large enough to where Athena and Rover could get through with some head room to spare for Callum and Blake. While the residents protested (with Shiny doing his best to convince them we meant no harm), us humans filed inside, weapons trained into the tundra behind us.

"Contact, three hundred yards and closing fast!" Duffy suddenly said, bringing his rifle up. "I have no fucking clue what they are, but they're big, hairy, and humanoid."

"Yetis." Cadence calmly said, a frown adorning her face. "This is the fourth time this week that they've assaulted the Empire, looking for a way to get in."

"What's their history with the Empire?" I asked, looking at Lovebutt.

"They were under Sombra's rule, helping him enforce the Crystal Ponies' slavery." She explained. I nodded once.

"Duffy, Bill, fill 'em up." I said before turning away from Cadence. "We have no mercy for slavers, even if they're considered mindless beasts." I could tell Bill was grinning as he raised his M82 and zeroed in on one of them.

With twin booms, a .50 BMG round and a 7.62x39 round went flying into the small group, downing one by ripping off it's head. Another took the round from Duffy to the chest, wounding it but not killing it.

"Hurry the fuck up, guys!" I yelled, causing them to double time it without trampling/running over the ponies behind me.

"We're all through!" Isaac was the last one in, causing me to look at the pink alicorn.

"You can shut it now." I told her, causing the hole to rapidly close up. Just in time, as the lead Yeti smashed into it right after it closed. "Any of ya'll injured?" Various negatives confirmed that everybody was in tip top shape.

"Well I'm fucking freezing." I muttered, walking towards the big ass Eiffel Tower knock off. The posse of ponies followed my men and women as we came into the city proper. All of the ponies we saw on our way to the crystal structure seemed depressed as hell, prompting Duran to question as much while looking out of the window.

"When the Empire returned, it was as if they were still just freed from King Sombra's clutches." Lovebutt sadly explained. I nodded in understanding.

"Even though it's not relevant anymore, our kind has done the same thing." I said. "Mostly to other religions or countries, of course." Jews, for one.

"And your ancestors stapled your god to a tree and killed him." Cadence deadpanned.

"Now honey, we've been over this." I said in a slight sing song voice. "I'm an Atheist, I have no god."

"So you're not denying what your ancestors did?" Shining asked, a little miffed from me calling his wife honey.

"Humans are pretty screwed up, I'll admit. That's tame compared to what Hitler did." Schmidt facepalmed at that.

"Right..." Cadence muttered as we walked under the castle thing. Standing at one of the bases was an odd, jet black unicorn that had some sick (in a good way, goddammit) looking wings.

"Another alicorn?" I asked in confusion. Cadence shook her head.

"He's actually a unicorn, just... Different." She hesitantly said. "Shadow Wing, can you explain to General Mark as to what you're able to do?" The unicorn stepped forward.

"This platform is able to do anything with technology." He said with a small salute, before looking over the vehicles.

"What's with him?" Schmidt asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Like I said, he's different." Cadence said. "He may be a little odd, but he's brilliant at what he does."

"Einstein was considered retarded by many when he was in school." I added. The ponies looked confused at that, causing me to snicker. "Human thing."

"Why was he considered late, as is the meaning of the Prench word?" Cadence asked in confusion. My gloved palm met my helmet very slowly as I sighed.

"First, my race has been around on this rock longer so the word is French and you can say goodbye to your punny horse words. Second, I use English; the word retard means something completely different."

"It means that somebody is mentally slow, having a hard time grasping even the most basic of subjects outside of instinct." Gallan added. Cadence's face went from one of confusion, to one of mild horror.

"Anyway, what's Shadow doing here?" I asked, getting onto a completely different topic.

"Er, he was here when the Empire reappeared." She said, shaking her head to get away from mean thoughts.

"Why did he say 'this platform' when he was spoken to?" I continued, folding my hands behind my back at a parade rest pose.

"I honestly don't know." She admitted, sighing. "You'll have to ask him yourself."

"I'll do just that." I nodded and went over to the odd stallion, dismissing the humans as I did. They went around, getting a feel for the city. Shadow Wing was looking over the .50 on the Humvee, having used his metallic wings to get up there, I guess.

"So..." I began. "You're from the Haloverse, correct?" I was honestly surprised when he answered with something other than a 'what'.

Shadow shakes his head, "Your assumption is incorrect, this platform originates from this quantum plane. This platform had made a miscalculation when preforming a quantum jump making it appear in the same location as a UNSC computer terminal, fusing it with the technology and with the AI construct inhabiting that system." He then proceeds to mumble something about biological functions as he hops off and wanders away.

"What are you going to do about Sombra, daddy?" Apple asked, popping onto my shoulder. "You and I both know that these ponies won't take a life." I took a look around, noting that the only pony that didn't seem remotely depressed was going to get a bite to eat.

"Beat Sombrero to death with a table leg; seems appropriate for a tyrant and a slaver." I finally answered.

"Celestia and Luna are tyrants, too." Apple pointed out.

"They're not even remotely as evil as Sombra apparently is." I explained. "Besides, they're the new presidents in my book; I would throw myself in front of a bullet for my leader, if I could move that fast. That and they don't force beings into slavery." Or kill them for having magic.

"That's the only reason?" She asked with a metaphoric eyebrow raised.

"I don't want to completely throw my home country into disarray by murdering their leaders." I said, before shuddering. "God knows what would happen if Blueballs came to the throne."

After a moment of wandering around, I keyed the mic for Bill twice.

"Yessir?" He asked after a moment.

"Where are you?" I asked, letting Mugs out so he could explore the area. I made sure to keep him on a leash, though.

"Eastern end of the city." He answered. "Just finished interviewing a couple ponies; they don't recall a damn thing before Sombrero appeared."

"Right, go on and locate the library." I said, being inconspicuious. "If they have one, it might house public records and all that jazz." Might as well ward off curious ponies/Lovebutts, since they cannot know that they're a cartoon, even if it's in a different universe.

"I'll just go get directions, then." Bill watched the episodes, too, and he knew the importance of protecting them from themselves. "Anything I should be looking for?"

"Useful spells for the current situation." I suggested. "Though I noticed that there's an extreme shortage of unicorns in the city. Locating a few is your secondary objective."

"Mind if I bring somebody with me?" He asked after asking somebody for directions.

"Go ahead; have them look for the traditions and schisse like that." I cut the connection and popped my back, before tugging downwards on the leash. That was the signal for Mugs to lead the way, going wherever he wanted to.

Crystal (Meth) Empire, Part 2

"Are you sure you don't want me to go as well?" Lulu asked as she, Moon, and Celestia waited for Twilight to arrive.

"Yes, Princess Cadence and Shining Armor are already there," Tia stated as she looked to her beloved little sister. "Mark has gone ahead with a group to help the situation, and the others will follow soon enough."

"The Empire's magic is powerful," Nightmare Moon gave a heavy sigh. "It can not fall again my sister…"

"She will succeed at her task, and when she does, we will know that she is that much closer to being ready."

Max stood by quietly while the three sisters gazed at a pink window half way down the throne room hall. While there was very little of interest for him here, he was told he had to attend, so here he stood… at least he had three very nice plots to ogle while waiting.

Damn, he needed a hobby. At least that would give him something more to do than Celestia, not that he was complaining. He loved his time with her, the sex was good and the conversations were enlightening …but… he had nothing, absolutely nothing, to do when she was busy running the realm. Max was growing increasingly board.

"Princesses," Jeremy announced as he opened the tall doors to the throne room. "She is here."

"Have faith little sisters," Celestia gave them both a warm smile as Lulu and Moon turned to leave.

"Should I be going as well?" Max asked, only to have Celestia's voice enter his mind and tell him to stay.

"You wanted to see me, to give me a test?" Twilight asked nervously, her eyes looking to Luna and Moon for help, or answers, as they passed… but to no avail. "I brought my own quills and plenty of paper to show my work…"

As Celestia and Max watched, the purple unicorn used her magic to heft her overly stuffed saddlebags off her back and flop them to the floor. One scroll jumped out as if on its own and quickly unraveled… 'Girl really knows how to prepare,' Max commented through the link while 40 yards of paper unraveled all the way to Tia's front hooves.

'That's nothing,' the sun princess's mind commented. 'Watch what happens when I throw her for a loop.'

"Sorry, sorry," Twi gasped and started to roll the scroll up with her nose, temporarily forgetting the fact she knew magic. Hell, I prolly would've done the same thing if my teachers could vaporize me on a whim.

"This is a different kind of test," Celestia said as she magically stuffed Twilight's bags. "The Crystal Empire has returned!"

"The Crystal Empire…" Max tried not to laugh as Twilight suddenly went from surprised shock, to frantically searching her books and notes while looking like she was about to have a heart attack. "I'm sorry… I thought I studied… but I don't see anything in my books…"

'I see what you mean,' Max had to look away for a moment to keep from cracking up.

"There wouldn't be, Few ever remember it existed at all." Tia as she turned and focused her magic on something off in a corner. This left Twilight with a rather cute, yet blank look on her face as the princess floated a large crystal over to her. "Even my knowledge of the empire is limited, but what I do know is that it contains a powerful magic…"

With a flash of Celestia's horn, the crystal lit up and a 3D holographic map of the Empire erupted into being at their hooves…

'Cool,' Max sent, only to be hushed. Over the next half hour the princess filled Twilight in on what little detail she had on the evil unicorn King Sombra and his twisting of the Empire… and the curse he placed on it upon his defeat.

"If the Empire is filled with hope and love, those things are reflected across all of Equestria. But if hatred and fear take hold…" With that, Max and Twilight glimpsed a rare peek at an evil Celestia, her bright magic turning dark and foreboding…

'Definitely need to keep you happy and content,' Max sent, not liking dark Celestia one bit.

"Which is why I need you help to find a way to protect it…"

"You want me to help protect an entire empire?" Twi was flabbergasted.

"It is, as I said, a different kind of test," Celestia said while replacing the crystal on its pedestal. "But one I am certain you will pass."

Max once again stood quietly by while Celestia and Twilight continued to converse. His mind returning to Evil Celestia and what Equestria would have looked like under her rule. However his thoughts were interrupted by Celestia words of warning to Twilight.

"In the end it must be you and you alone who ultimately helps Princess Cadence and Shining Armor in doing what needs to be done in protecting the empire…" Tia stood flanked by her two dark sisters as she spoke. "Do you understand?"

Twilight thought about it for a moment, then gave an affirmative nod.

"Then go, there is no time to lose!"

"Placing a hell of a lot shit on her shoulders aren't you," Max asked once Celestia had rejoined him. "I mean, responsibility on her shoulders…"

"Never the less, she must succeed in this test." For the first time that day Celestia actually looked worried. "Max I must ask a favor of you…"

"Name it and I will see it done," he said as he snapped to rigid attention.

"I want you to protect Twilight for me," she sighed, her gaze drifted to a nearby window that had yet to receive its stained glass memento. "No matter what Mark has planned, you keep Twilight safe. That little unicorn means a lot to me… she means a lot to Equestria."

"I know, and I will do my best…" he whispered as he pulled her close and kissed her lovingly before marching off to gather his gear.

"Damn you Mark," she whispered under her breath as she watched the door to the throne room close, leaving her alone. "You better protect my Storm King…"

[Mark]

I felt a disturbance in the Jimmies, as if somebody just damned me. Shrugging, I put an ear bud into my left ear and returned to overwatch, keeping an eye on the domain of the Empire.

"Sir, Red alert is advised, King Sombra is near according to my magical scans." Shadow told me, causing me to nod.

[Later]

With a slight squeal of brakes I brought the Humvee to a stop next to the two huge crystals that acted as the gateway to the empire and stepped out. Almost 30 yards away was the huge roiling mass of darkness that was King Sombra and I could feel his evil shit from all the way over here. "Ok I'm here," I called as I made my way over to the edge of the shield.

"I don't know what should impress me more, the fact that the Yeti I destroyed was telling the truth…" his voice cackled from somewhere in all that black. "Or that the ponies trust their lives to the most dangerous creatures to ever walk the earth."

"Well, I wouldn't say we humans are all…"

"The two oldest professions were created by you humans," the fucker cut me off as twin, 5 foot tall glowing green eyes suddenly appeared and gazed down at me. "The second was prostitution, the first was…"

"War or murder, depending on your point of view," I snapped back. "So what does that have to do with anything?"

"My point is that lying, cheating, stealing, and killing are all part of the human way of life… It's in your blood, your very soul." Bullfuck.

"Your point being?" I asked, getting tired of this horse shit already.

"That your heart is as black as mine, human," he stated as the dark cloud like mass solidified into a black unicorn the size of Lulu (she only pretends to be pissed at me with the nickname) with a curved red horn atop his head. "You long for conflict and power over those weaker then yourselves, and I for one can give that power to you."

Quote of Anon; Sombrero looks like a gay ass OC that's the fucking cliched red and black colors. Only way it could be worse is if he was an alicorn. Nice cape, though, so when you kill him, take it.

"Really?" I wasn't buying what this asshat was selling, but I decided to play along just to see where he was going with this shit. "Just what do you have in mind?"

"I propose a trade," he smiled, showing off his sharp pearly teeth. "You help me reclaim my empire, and I will help you reclaim your homeland… to conquer Equestria!"

"And what makes you think we need your help in doing that?" Hey, I had to ask… right?

"Because humans have no defense against pony magic, while it has no affect on me…" Except for all of us, with the help of Dawn.

"So let me get this straight," I paused for a moment to think it through. "We hand you the empire and in return you will help us, a war like race of natural born killers, take over what used to be America… with no strings attached?"

"You have my word, human." Remember how I wrote that most ponies couldn't lie worth shit? Yeah… same went for this mother fucker. The more he tried to lie, the brighter his eyes glowed and the more he smiled, hell he was worse than a used car salesman trying to make quota. With a bunch of wrecked cars behind him.

"No," I simply said as I turned away.

"WHAT!" Sombra demanded. "You would rather live a meek existence alongside those ponies, when you could rule over them instead?"

Meek my arse; when I'm not in Ponyville I'm buffing up all of the Equestrian Military, including the Guard. (they're kinda like Coast Guard, but land based) It's slow going, but I'm making gradual process.

"Some of those ponies are our wives, our husbands, and our children," I stated, keeping my back to him and trying not to lose my temper. "I may not have the best relationship with Celestia (though I did consider Luna and Moon good friends), I would gladly lay down my life for Applejack and our family."

"I see…" he said that way too calmly for my taste and the deep chuckling made the hairs on my neck prickle. "Well it matters not if you aid me, for once this accursed shield drops, I will simply have to kill all of you humans and retake my throne."

"And what makes you think you can?" I asked… come on, do the movie bad-guy thing and tell me your plans. "All we need to do is find the crystal heart and you're a goner…" Or I bash your skull in.

"Have you noticed the lack of female unicorns?"

Ok, now he had my attention, "What of it?"

"I hid my treasure well," he was laughing as he spoke, and it made my skin crawl. "Only a female unicorn, a crystal female unicorn who's mind remains untouched from my influence, can recover the heart." He was cackling now and that more than anything was really pissing me off. "So I bid you good luck and I hope to kill you last."

I was still mulling over my conversation with bat-shit for brains and slowly coming to realize that we were fucking screwed when I came driving up to our base of operations. Every pony in the empire, save for Cadence and Shiny, were suffering from Sombra's curse and that meant we were up shit creak. But why would Faust, my impropitu daughter, want us here if there was no way to win?

"Auch Scheiße!" Were the first words to make in past my jumbled mind the moment I entered the command tent. Glancing to my left I found Schmidt scrutinizing a set of files. He was part of the team sent to search the recently found Hall of Records and he must have stumbled across something.

"You find anything interesting?" I asked as I moved over to the German. "Like where the crystal heart might be?"

"Interesting, yes," he held up the file. "But on the heart, no."

"Then what did you find?" I couldn't help it, my curiosity was peeked.

"This…" and with that he handed me a file containing the birth certificate, school transcribes, and work record to one Twilight Velvet, royal nursemaid to one Princess Mi Amore Cadenza the second… "There is no way in hell…"

To my dismay, Schmidt could only shrug.

"Where is Shining Armor, has anyone seen him?" The others in the tent could only shake their heads and give me a fucking blank look. With a snort I turned and marched from the tent.

[2 Days Later]

The Eiffel Tower knock off was just high enough to where I could swan dive from one of the balconies and use my parachute to safely hit the bottom.

I think I almost scared the shit out of Shiny when I dropped next to him, already in stride.

"Where you off too, lover boy?" I casually asked, already knowing the answer. He chose to not question my actions. I would've gone off about Assassin's Creed and leap of faiths if he had.

"How many humans are going to be on the train, again?" Shining asked as the pair of us strolled towards the Southern end of the shield.

"The rest of them, probably keeping a few in Canterlot." I answered. "I know for a fact that Celestia sent Max and Dawn sent Jane, but I don't know about Anon or Jeremy." Both of them wouldn't be too much use, since their sleeping schedule conflicted with our rotations.

"Right." He nodded and made a bubble to where I could step through the shield.

Outside the shield was Schmidt, who took that moment to finish his patrol. He saluted me like the Nazi he was, and with a roll of my eyes I saluted back in the same way.

'If Gallan sees me he's gonna have a heart attack.' I thought in amusement.

"I have something to tell you, sir." Schmidt said, walking with the two of us.

"Go ahead, Schmidt." I told him, causing him to sigh.

"I... Have not been completely honest with all of you." He said, causing me to glance at him. "I was not in the Wermacht." My eyes started narrowing. "I was an S.S. officer before taking that sniper round to the chest. I only looked like I was in the Wermacht because my coat did not come with me."

"That troubles me for one more reason than what you think." I stopped, confusing him and Shining. "My grandfather was an S.S. officer, who died during the battle for Stalingrad. sniper round to the left lung. Left a hole the size of a fist." His jaw dropped, before he sank to the ground in shock.

"You're telling me my wife escaped Berlin?" He slowly asked, causing me to sigh.

"March, 1939, before the Blitz." I told him, patting his shoulder. "One daughter, who gave birth to four children, but one died during childbirth. I was the firstborn."

"How old were they when you died?" He asked.

"The dead one would've been 17, brother was 16, and sister was 9." I answered. Schmidt sniffed for a moment, breaking the cold exterior that all S.S. officers had. "Just be glad that they were proud of you." I added, causing him to look up in shock.

"R-Really?" He wiped his nose before icecicles could form from his snot. I let out a chuckle.

"We weren't the most well-minded family, mind you." I said, looking off into the distance. I could feel the Yetis glaring at me. "But we are always proud of our ancestors, no matter what they did. No matter what you did." He sniffed once before accepting the hand offered by me. "Come on, granddad, time to get your arse up."

"I'm younger than you are." He grinned. Shining had no fucking idea what just happened.

"Not really; about a third of a century older than I." I grinned, before pointing at the ground. "The planet reveals all, and it says you're older than dirt."

"Then you are, too!" He laughed, causing me to laugh back.

"Go on and get a cup of Joe, I sense that you'll need it." I clapped him on his shoulder. Schmidt entered the hole that Shining put up, saluting me the US way before jogging towards the castle.

"What just happened?" Shining asked as I walked past him. The hole closed up automatically.

"Nothing much, cousin." I grinned. "I'm now officially related to royalty, though, through your sister and her husband."

"What are you talking about?"

"Schmidt's my grandfather." I shrugged. "I needed enough evidence about it to confront him, but what he told me five seconds ago cemented that fact."

"Er, 'cemented'?" He raised an eyebrow. I sighed and rubbed my face, having removed my helmet to do so.

"You ponies have a fucking castle hanging off of the side of the mountain and a crystalline version of the Eiffel Tower, and yet you don't know what cement is?" I muttered some obscene words in German before shaking my head. "Forget it; let's just go get your sister."

I can't help but think this;

Help us Twilight Sparkle, you're our only hope. Well, besides me caving in Sombra's skull with something.

Crystal (Meth) Empire, Part 3

[On the Friendship Express]

The wind made an eerie moaning noise as it whipped past her window, far ahead the little steam engine chugged its way into the frozen night. Jane Shepard sat awake in the dark cabin as the train car rocked gently to the soft beat of the rails below. Her eyes had long since adjusted to gloom that filled the cabin in a bluish haze, yet she saw nothing for her mind was elsewhere.

For this trip to the north, the humans who hadn't parachuted in, had gathered at the tail end of the train while they quickly did some last minute prep. The Gamblers Carriage was a large open car, and unlike the others of the train, looked as if it belonged on a train from the old west. It was rather spacious with high back leather seats around small tables were people could gather to play cards and smoke. There was even a mini-bar along one wall and a billiards or pool table in the middle of the room.

Mark would have loved the bar. While it was small, it was made of a dark hoof-tooled wood sporting a beautifully carved inlay and a brass foot rest along its base. Behind it was a light up mirror and two selves full of colorful bottles... yet again, she really didn't care for her mind was off in its own little world.

While the others had turned in to get some sack-time, she had stayed up to clean and reassemble her rifle. Now she sat in the dark, the land of ice and blowing snow outside her window turned into a blurry world of white. With everything checked and rechecked, her idle mind had drifted to a place she hadn't wanted it to… Just before leaving Canterlot, Dawn had pulled her aside and confessed a dark truth to her.

The why-she-was-here-in-Equestria truth.

He had confessed everything, why the Queen, the mother goddess of all ponies, had sent her and Max to this world. At first her mind couldn't …no… wouldn't believe what he had told her, and yet the more she thought about it, the more agitated and unsure she became. Did she really love Dawn or was it some kind of mind-controlled programming like the Manchurian Candidate… did she really love him or was it all a lie?

At that moment the door to the carriage opened and Max slipped in. At least she wasn't the only one not able to sleep. Silently she watched as he side-stepped the few humans who were resting in the rather comfortable smoking chairs, and finally plopping down in one at the very end of the car.

The smoking chairs, as she thought of them, were built like deep cushioned recliners, only they didn't recline, and the foot rest was a padded stool you had to physically pull out from beneath the chair. While they were not meant to be beds, they were the only thing on the train of human size that could accommodate the team.

Taking a moment longer to once again watch the Master Sergeant who sat by himself at the tail of the train car, she took note that he too was now gazing out at the passing landscape.

Dammit, she needed answers.

"Mind if I take a seat?" She finally asked when she reached his end of the room.

"Sure, pop a squat," he mumbled, still watching the world fly by.

Hesitantly she slipped into a chair across from him. While she was a well trained sniper she wasn't too sure how one went about broaching the subject that currently festered in her mind… luckily he seemed to know something was up.

"What's on your mind Captain," he used her new title as temporary head of Canterlot's day guard.

With Shining Armor now a prince and fighting to get Cadence's empire back, the Day Guard needed a new Captain. When asked, Anon said "Hell fucking no," and Jeremy just laughed hysterically. As for Max, he already held a title as Celestia's fuck toy, so he was out. Well at least it was a temp job until Celestia found a pony she liked for the job.

"Max, have you ever wondered why we are here?" She questioned.

"Holy shit…" he sighed, tearing his eyes away from the window and stared at her. "Please don't tell me you're a sniper with a philosophical bent?"

"I didn't mean it like that," she grumped, crossing her arms under her chest and slumping into the chair. "It's not a why are we alive question, but more of a why are you and I in Equestria?"

Max arched an eyebrow as he sat back, his gaze searching her for a moment before he spoke in a soft voice. "Dawn finally told you didn't he?"

"You know," she demanded, yet she quickly became quiet after her outburst nearly woke everybody in the car. "How long have you known?" She whispered.

"Not long after Dawn jumped into my mind, the first time," Max gave a sigh as he clarified. "Queen Faust came to me in a dream and we talked about why I was sent here."

"And it doesn't alarm you in the slightest that we may have been brainwashed into loving somebody?"

"I can't speak about your situation," he said calmly. "But while she may have trained me to be a good companion for Celestia, Faust blanked my mind when I came here and allowed me the choice to either be with Tia or not…" the look in Max's eyes softened as a warm smile spread. "I fell for Celestia the first time I saw her, all on my own."

"How can you be so sure?"

"You know about the tattoo on my left hip, right?" he asked as he slowly stood. She could only nod as he pulled the waistband of his BDUs down enough to show part of his right hip and Celestia's sun mark sporting dark shades. "I gained my cutie mark the first night I gave Tia a shower… the first night I told her I loved her." He was smiling broadly now as he sat back down. "As you know, a premise of the cutie mark can't be faked, so it should tell you everything… so the question is, did you find yours?" Apparently his arsemark changed that tattoo of his when he rutted Sunbutt.

Without a word she slowly stood and revealed the red crosshairs of a sniper scope with a grinning skull dead center.

I don't even fucking want to know about the story behind that one.

"When did it appear," the Master Sergeant asked.

"The night I told Dawn I wanted to be by his side," she couldn't help but smile as the turmoil in her mind finally disappeared.

"So now the only question you have to answer for yourself is, do you trust your own heart?"

"I do," she nodded, but paused before heading back to her original spot. "How did you become so insightful?"

"I'm the consort to the Sun Princess," he chuckled softly. "It's my job to know what to say, when to say it, and how to keep her happy." And what to and not to do. It's kinda considered bad form if you start fucking the princess in the middle of day court, after all. Even if nobody will call you out on it, considering that she 'controls the sun'.

"So you're her psychiatrist as well as her boy-toy?"

"Eeeyup!"

With her mind and heart at ease, Jane made her way back to her seat near the bar and was soon fast asleep.

[Train station]

"Twilight!" Shining called out as we neared the train station… yeah, no one has seen the empire in who knows how long, but someone went and built a fucking train station out in the middle of BFE land, just in case… Fuck you Celestia!

"Shining Armor?" she asked, not recognizing me or the scarf wearing male unicorn with blue mane. Somehow.

Granted I wasn't wearing my armor because it did squat against the cold, rather wrapping my ass up in a bunch of cloaks and shit.

"Twily… you made it," he smiled, removing the snow goggles from his eyes before wrapping his sister in a hug.

I would have commented on just how close the two siblings acted but I was taken off my feet as something orange slammed me to the ground in a loving bear hug that only she could give. "Hey there Applejack," I wheezed as she nuzzled my unarmored chest.

While Shining and Twilight bonded, I stood and made my way to the end of the station platform where the small troop of humans had gathered and were inspecting their gear. All of them were armored up, but had left their helmets hooked to their belts so I could see their faces once they noticed I wasn't armored. "Atten-hut!" I barked and was rewarded with all of them falling in line and saluting… all but one. "What the hell soldier, forget how to follow orders?"

"Not really." Max looked up from the crate he was inspecting and gave me a tiny wave. Not only was his armor still an audacious bright gold, but all human markings were gone and Sunbutt's sun symbol now stood prevalent on his shoulder plate. "If you remember, I'm not one of your underlings," he shot me a sly smile. "My ass belongs to Celestia."

"Then why did you make the trip to this hellhole instead of staying where it's warm and safe?" I asked. Fuck me, I could feel the eyes of my men (and one woman) watching us and I didn't like it, insubordination within the ranks is never good. Then again, he really isn't part of my 'army'.

"First, I'm here as Twilight's bodyguard," he said as he opened the crate and pulled something out. "Second, I'm here to deliver a new and quite experimental weapon."

With that said he tossed me something out of any Halo fan's dream. "What in the…" I gasped (ok, I may have squealed like a little girl, but fuck you!) for in my hands was a full sized Model 6 Grindell/Galilean Nonlinear Rifle, also known as the Spartan Laser.

"By now you know that normal unicorn magic has little to no affect on Sombra," Max stated while I gently caressed the heavy anti tank gun… my own BFG. "However Cadence's love magic does, so our benefactors, the royal sisters created two artificial love guns."

"Love Gun, you mean to tell me that this thing fires off…"

"A beam of pure concentrated love," he was smiling mischievously. "Totally non lethal, great for crowd control, you don't have to worry about friendly fire, and gives of a nice sent of vanilla after each shot…"

"We better get moving," Shiny announced after a moment, reminding me the urgency of the situation. "There are things out here that you really don't want to run into after dark."

"What kind of things?" Shy let out a cute gasp.

"Let's just say that the empire isn't the only thing that's returned…" he gave a cryptic reply. Because getting a fucking straight answer from royalty is like pulling teeth. "Something keeps trying to get in. We think it's the unicorn king that originally cursed the place…" Nigger we both know that it is, along with his fucking minions. You were there when we arrived.

"But Celestia said I was being sent here to find a way protect the empire," Twilight had to almost yell over the blowing wind as we all marched towards the empire. "If King Sombra can't get in, then it must already be protected…"

It was at that precise moment that a long drawn out howling moan filled the air and I felt my stomach dip and roll. "It's one of the things, isn't it?" Fluttershy gasped out in fright and I for one couldn't blame her.

"What the hell?!" came over my radio as my troop instantly pulled their weapons.

"I got movement," Jane Shepard called out as she coded in her rifle to her HUD. "FLIR has a lot of somethings at 900 yards and closing awfully fast."

"Yeti," I clarified.

"Yeti?" One of my minions (Sven) gasped out in surprise. "As in the Abominable Snowman?" Wonder what the fuck the hockey player was doing here, since I couldn't tell who was who in that armor. Didn't have my FOF tags on because of a distinct lack of armor.

"We have to get to the Crystal Empire now!" Shinny commanded as all hell broke loose.

"Everybody double time it for the shield," I barked as we all began to run. Somewhere behind us there was an explosion as Sombra's smokey form billowed high into the air while 20 some-odd yeti loped ahead like demonic hunting hounds. "Move it, move it, move it!"

As it were, we would all make the shield with a few secants to spare, when Shiny did something completely bat-shit stupid. For some reason or another, he skidded to a stop and turned to face the oncoming hoard alone. "Fuck me!" I exclaimed and changed directions. As I ran I could see Shining Armor trying to blast Sombra with his magic to no effect, while the Yeti barreled down on him.

"Are you insane?!" I demanded as I slid to the prince's side and hefted the Love Gun to my shoulder. Flipping the power to on, I took aim at the oncoming 9 foot tall killer fur-balls and fired. A bright pink beam lit up the night as I strafed the front line of monsters. To my astonishment 6 of the beasts slowed to a stop and began to mill about as if in a daze, before suddenly converging on each other in a love fueled heap of lust. "Love Gun my ass, it's an Orgy Cannon!"

That's when Sombra roared out and descended upon us, smothering both Shiny and I in his black shadowy coils. I'm not sure how, but there was an unexpected explosion and the two of us were blown back through the shield and to safety. The last thing I remembered before everything went all pink and hazy was snatching up AJ and saying something along the lines of, "Give me some sugar, baby!"

Author's Note

75 chapters? -blinks- When I started out with MiE, I expected to have 25 to fifty chapters, tops. Ya'll made me so proud of my fanfic that I just couldn't stop! -sniff-

Also, I have a tumblr now! it's ask-mark-durnkinscoff-mie (this needs some love, srsly.)

And you guys who have OCs that happened to be paired up; if ya'll don't tell me what they change into, I'll just make it male/female version of their pony fucker. (unless I've already contacted you.)

(Or in the case of a few, normal version)
Callum: Godfuckingmotherfuckerdamnitshitballs.

Crystal (Meth) Empire, Part 4

"Yah know," Applejack gave out a contented sigh while enjoying her afterglow. "Ah was planning to give yah a scolding, practiced chewing Ah out all the way up here, fer five whole days…" Bet it wasn't fun for the others.

"So the bear-hug you gave me..." I wondered aloud as I waited for feeling to return everything below my waist.

"Ah couldn't help mah self," AJ giggled, absently rubbing her belly with a hoof. "And it's not like we had a lot a time to just sit 'n talk sense gettin' here."

"So what did I do to make you so mad?" I asked as I reached out and pulled my farm mare into my arms.

"Where to start," she gave a groaning chuckle.

"That bad huh?"

"Yah took Apple out a school and took her into a dangerous situation," AJ snorted and cuddled closer. "She's already missed a week of schoolin. You brought a young changeling to the frozen north, and you know they have a problem with the cold. And to top it off, there's some mad pony is out there threatenin' to take over the empire."

"You know, when you say it like that…" I groaned. Fuck me, what the hell was I thinking.

"Ah didn't say anything about the relief mission because it was supposed to be safe." Applejack was now nuzzling my chest as she spoke in a soft voice, we were not arguing or fighting in any way, she was just speaking her mind and I was listening… hey, it works for us. "But yah knew there would be danger here," she continued. "So Ah got pretty mad when Ah found out you dragged our daughter up here without even talking ta me."

"I'm sorry honey," I apologized while gently running my fingers through her mane. "I'm just so used to her being with me that I forget she's my daughter and think of her as almost part of my equipment…" And I find that absolutely disgusting.

"It's not all yah'r fault," AJ yawned as sleep called out to her. "Apple loves yah and would follow yah…into the maw…of Tartarus." I sighed as I was finally able to get to my feet.

"I hope that it won't come to that, and we both know it." I muttered, gently slinging the mare over my shoulder.

[later]

"I see you finally came." Sven said with a lewd grin. We were currently in the throne room, with AJ still fast asleep.

"Shut it." I said as I placed her next to Fluttershy. As I did so, I noticed something bumpy under my right sleeve. "What the shit?" I muttered after attempting to pull it up. Instead of sliding over my skin smoothly, they were ripped to shreads by black crystals growing out of my arm. At the moment, it was just Cadence, Sven, an unconscious AJ, Apple, and I standing around. Don't want to know why Sven was with Lovebutt.

"Are you *yawn* alright?" Cadence asked, her eyes drooping like mad. I nodded and told Apple to go get the Princess a cup of coffee. While she did so, Twilight and co. appeared.

"...And do a little shake!" Cadence and Sparkle finished their silly little dance. Once done, Cadence noticed the condition of Shiny. "What happened?!"

"Sombra." Armor sighed. "I can't do magic."

"They're anchored into his horn." I added. "Black magicks did this, so he's stuck with them until they're surgically removed." Cadence and Shining paled.

"When I get the proper tools, I can easily get rid of them." Doc assured the pair. "With no permanent damage to Prince Shining Armor's horn, Princess." The tone of 'nofuckingnonsense' was projected to me as well, forcing me to recognize this as a serious matter. Thus, I took the reins of a Brigader General and dealt with the formalities.

"What's the current medical level of the Empire?" I asked, stepping forward with my arms clasped behind my back. The crystals dug into my back a little, but I ignored the pain.

"Leeching." Princess Cadence sighed. I think Dawn heard the synchronized face appendage everyone except the Prince and Princess preformed.

"Of course..." Doc sighed as he dug through his backpack. After a moment, he frowned. "I left most of my kit back home."

"Private Gallan, Unterscharführer Schmidt." I said before I about-faced. "I'd like you two to escort Chief Medical Officer Thompson to the hospital so he can gain intelligence on how far we have to advance them." They both gave a salute before nodding to Doc. The three of them left, though I saw Gallan, Thompson, and Twilight shook me a confused glance at Schmidt's rank.

"What in the hell is an 'Unterscharführer'?" Blake asked in confusion.

"A squad leader in the SS." I answered. "The SS were the Nazis of the Nazis." I added after a moment. "Pretty much no emotion, and all were prime examples of the Ayran race in look."

"And you're letting him run around without supervision, with his weapons." Duffy deadpanned. I shrugged with a grin, causing him to sigh. "If he kills me, I'll never speak to you again."

"Point taken." I chuckled, before rubbing my hands together. "Until we get AJ to wake up, why don't the rest of you bring the Elements to their rooms? I'm sure they're tired."

"But what ab-" Twilight started, but I cut her off as I knew what she was going to talk about.

"Relax, Twilight." I said. "We'll have plenty of time to help the empire later. I'm not asking you to sit by and let Sombra take over, just asking you to go take a nap."

"Fine..." She sighed. "When Applejack wakes up, could you send for us?"

"Was planning on it, Twi." I nodded and turned to Apple, who was flying in with two mugs of coffee. "Thanks, kid." I nodded to her before passing a mug to the Princess. "It'll keep you from being drowsy for a while. It's a little hot, so be careful." I added as I took a sip of my own. Cadence blew on the top to try and cool it down.

'What happened to your arm, dad?' Apple asked in my head, sensing that I didn't want to bring the topic up at the moment.

'Side effect of meeting Sombra face to smoke.' I told her. 'Don't worry, it doesn't hurt and I don't think it's spreading.' It certainly ain't bleeding.

'Didn't the side effect cause you to rut mom?' That question made me do a glorious spittake. I coughed for a moment, trying to clear my lungs of coffee.

'No!' I half yelled, face heating up. 'That was that blasted Love Cannon Max gave me!' My mental outburst caused Apple to giggle. As I regained my mental clarity, Cadence drank her coffee.

The world exploded. No, wait, that's when Pinkie drinks coffee. Heard that Surprise ended up in the Wonderbolts, actually.

Half a second later, we ended up outside from some sort of fucking explosion of the magical variety. Peering inside showed that Cadence was fucking brimming with energy, while Shiny was still afflicted with his crystal horn problem. A brief glance outside showed that the shield was brighter than it was half an hour ago, proving that the explosion ended up reinforcing it.

"Note to self." I groaned, getting to my feet. "Coffee makes alicorns explode." For the first time in a long time, I felt...content with my life. Probably a side effect of the Princess' love magicks.

"W...What happened?" Applejack groaned, slowly waking up.

"Princess Cadence exploded magically." I shrugged. "The shield's more powerful for a while."

"Ah." She slowly got to her hooves. "What happen'd while Ah was out?"

"Not much." I said, before looking down at myself.

It was at about that moment that I figured out I was almost a foot shorter than AJ.

"Fuck your magic, Cadence." I muttered. I pulled my helmet out and stuck it on my head, before donning the rest of my armor. Apparently, it had a sensor or some shit that detected my form, because everything was filly sized, with a hole in the helmet for my forehead bone.

"The hell just happened?!" Was the general theme of the chatter on the radio.

"At ease!" I called out, shutting everyone up. They could recognize my voice, even if it was feminine. The fact that my call-sign appears when I talk is probably also another indicator.

"General, why did about a third of us become ponies?" Nutcracker asked.

"Princess Cadence mixed with coffee." I sighed. "The missions I gave you stay the same. T-Rex, bring the Elements sans Honesty to the throne room. If any of them are asleep, wake them and tell that Honesty is, too." We had agreed a while ago to use their elements as callsigns while on-mission, because we had to stay professional.

"Right away, General." Thankfully, Max decided it was a good idea to listen to my orders, or else I would've gone and found Spike.

"Blake, Connor, Duffy, Gallan, Schmidt, Thompson; RTB." They gave various levels of confirmation before I turned off the talk function, subtly moving closer to AJ.

"So, what now Sugarcube?" AJ asked as I removed my helmet and attached it to my left hind leg. My pistol and energy sword fount their way to my right, while I slid my DMR and M1014 (at the moment) into an X pattern on my back. All done with the power of magics.

"Plan." I answered, taking a book out of my super pocket.

"Slipspace rupture detected!" Pinkie's voice rang out throughout the castle, causing me to giggle. I'm a female at the moment, so we giggle. Deal with it.

"What's that?" AJ asked as I walked into the throne room and nodded to Shiny, who looked confused. Cadence was sitting on her throne, vibrating on high speed.

"Book for Twilight." I answered. "A little birdie told me that she was being tested by Princess Celestia to find a way to protect the Empire."

"Ah noticed that yah're usin' titles an' honorifics, Sugarcube." AJ pointed out.

"I'm on duty, Applejack." I explained. "Forgive me ahead of time, because I'll sometimes call you 'Honesty', too. Same goes for the others. Their elements are their callsigns."

"And what are you being called when not 'General'?" Shining asked as we neared him. I snapped to attention, pony style, just for the honorifics. He knew it, too.

"Brigader General Sand Dune, callsign 'Bubba's Fish Market', reporting for duty, sir!" I said, brining an armored hoof to my brow in a clean salute. AJ snorted, trying not to laugh.

"At ease, General." He said, causing me to sigh.

"I hate honorifics." I muttered, relaxing and looking around. Shiny nodded, before looking curious.

"Just asking, but what are Cadence and I's callsigns?" He asked, causing me to grin.

"You're 'Cracker' and she's 'Candyass'." I said, shiteating grin intenfiying. This caused Cadence to blush, Shining to raise an eyebrow, and AJ to lose it.

"Where did 'Cracker' come from?" Shiny asked as we watched my wife transform into Giggletron 9000. All she knows is giggle!

"It's a kinda racist slur towards white humans." I shrugged. "Before that began, it was an honest job. A real 'cracker' is a white man who rode a horse, driving cattle. One of their main tools was a whip and a gun to both keep the cattle in line while keeping wolves and other vermin away." They knew our horses weren't really 'beings', so they ignored it.

"It fits, even if it's concidered racist." Shiny shrugged. I gave him the list of callsigns we had, all the way down to Schmidt being 'Kraut'.

If we had somebody from France, their callsign would be 'White Flag'.

"Why am I my pony form, and why can't I change back?" Kraut demanded as soon as his group of three entered.

"Cadence's magic got a boost." Sand Dune shrugged. "Because it's in the shield, we'll probably turn back when we leave." The changeling and yellow pegasus next to the purple unicorn sighed.

"We didn't get halfway there before you told us to RTB." Doc reported, giving me a salute after brushing his long, pink mane out of his face.

"I see that Honesty's awake, si-ma'am." 'Bug Boy' said, catching himself on the gender of his commanding officer. Sand Dune sighed for a moment, before nodding.

"Just waiting on the others, and the rest of the Elements. Once here, I want you all to cling to your respective elements like glue." She said, pacing in front of the group.

'I have to admit, that armour shows off her flanks quite we-' Shining shook his head. 'What the hay?! Sand Dune's a bucking filly! And I'm married!' What really worried Armor was that both Sand Dune and the changeling filly next to her were grinning in a way that blantly stated that they knew what he was thinking.

"We're here." Blake's voice saved Shiny, for the moment. Standing at the doors were two man-sized dragons (Blake and Duffy) and o'Drake. Both of them were holding M4A1 carbines, their 'primary' weapons slung across their backs.

"Good, we're all here." Doc said, before Apple's eyes widened a little.

"I just realized that Doc sounds exactly like Dawn!" She exclaimed, looking at her mothers. Dune thought for a moment, before facehoofing.

"And Dawn sounds like Morgan Freeman..." Both dragons and the human facevisor'd.

"Back on topic." Dune shook her head. "T-Rex, ETA on the Elements?"

"ETA momentarily." The alicorn answered. Twenty seconds later, the group appeared in the throne room. At this point, o'Drake had taken it upon himself to stare out of a window, lest he have a nervous breakdown. "Sorry about the wait, Twilight didn't want to wake up." Said unicorn blushed a little from the minor embarrasment.

"You might find this of use in your 'quest', Magic." Dune said, passing the book that was in front of Cadence over to said unicorn.

"'Magic'?" Twilight questioned as she took the book in her magical grip.

"Your codename, ma'am." Dune said, returning to her pacing. Twilight nodded as she started looking through the book that Schmidt extracted from the library a few days ago.

Dune slowly walked over to o'Drake after a moment.

"You don't have to look at me." She said before he could turn around. The human tensed up involuntarily. "I just want to know how you're holding up, Connor."

"I...Sometimes I just want to end it." He sighed, placing his head (minus the helmet) against the cool glass of the window. "I don't think you would know what I mean, though."

"I know exactly what you mean." Dune sighed, looking out the window. "To just give up and put buckshot or a .45 ACP through your brain bucket. I've had those thoughts ever since I landed here."

"What's stopped you?" He asked, hesitantly looking down at her. Dune took a moment to respond.

"My families." She finally answered. "Both old and new. I know for a fact that my wife back home would resurrect me to just kill me again if I took the coward's way out. Not to mention what AJ would do to me if I attempted it." She didn't want to mention that she sometimes spends up to an hour staring down the barrel of her M1911 with a bullet in the chamber and a bottle of whiskey in hand. Connor seemed to pick up on it, but didn't comment.

"What do you think I could do, Mark?" Connor whispered to where she could barely hear it.

"As a superior or as a friend?" She wanted him to clarify. Connor simply held out two fingers. "Find someone for yourself. It honestly doesn't matter who; pony, changeling, or whatever. Hell, you could probably have a chance with Ricotta or Nakitta."

"Thanks, Mark." Connor sighed. "You don't know how hard it is for me to live in this world."

"We all have our fears, Connor." Dune said. "Just remember that. I'm here for all of you, no matter what the issue is, bar murder."

Alternate beginning to C(M)E, Part 4

Author's Note

Warning, there is clop pretty much right below this note!!

If you noticed, this story went from a 'teen' to 'mature'. I am finally putting the sex tag to use, and putting in clop. (written by my co-author)

There went my social status on FiMFiction...

Alternate beginning to C(M)E, Part 4

Things were a bit foggy after the Love Gun blew up in my face, I remember little snippets of ravishing AJ's body, in both pony and human form, in a non-stop orgy of lust… though the details were sketchy. By the time I came out of the haze the room stank of sex and both AJ and I looked a mess. I was sticky in places that should not be sticky and fucking dehydrated to the point I could taste my own breath…

And that's saying something from a guy who loves his alcohol.

"Ah think Ah need a bath," a voice groaned out from the other side of the bed.

"Same here," I said as I sat up and swung my feet to the floor, my body begging me to say down. "Fuck, I haven't hurt this much since basic."

"A two hour, full body workout will do that…" Applejack gave a sarcastic chuckled as I hobbled into the bathroom. "Reminds me of mah bucking training when Ah was Bloom's age."

The bathroom was a good size and made of frosted white and blue crystal. There was a toilet to the right of the door with a silver sink, a shower stall big enough for six humans to bathe without touching (and lying down) to my left, and an in-ground tub the size of a small pond at the back of the room. Everything was made of either frosted crystal or silver and remarked on just how opulent the bathroom really was.

"So… about that bath," I called while eyeing the empty tiled pond. "Mind joining me for a shower?"

"Only if yah get it started for me first." She called out.

"Deal," I grunted, limping over to the alcove and running the water. It flowed from the top of the wall like a waterfall and felt really good… until the stitch in my gut turned into a full on fucking charlie horse. I cried out as I dropped to the ground, my hooves clacking on the floor as I landed.

AJ must have heard my cry for she bolted in a moment later… only it was too late.

"Mark, are yah ok sugarcube," concern ringing in her voice as she came to a skidding halt and pulled back the shower curtain. Much to her surprise, she had caught me red handed… hooved. There I was as Sand Dune, leaning against the shower wall, masturbating my little filly sex madly.

"I…I can't seem to stop," I whimpered as the painful cramp deep within my gut turned into a burning need that I had never felt before in my life. One moment I was human, the next I was my pony form with my emotions running haywire… "What. The. Fuck?"

I was so lost in trying to pleasure myself that I didn't even notice AJ get into the shower with her, or that she had drop to her knees. It wasn't until I felt her hands slip through my wet sand colored fur, did I realize she was cooing softly to me. My response was to immediately lean forward and kiss my lover full on the mouth.

To my surprise she opened her mouth, our tongues met and danced as I clung to her under the spray, I just couldn't get enough.

"I..I'm sorry AJ," I was shivering uncontrollably and it wasn't because I was cold, the steam of the shower was proof of that. "You don't mind do you?"

"Not at all sugarcube," she replied with a soft smile, "Remind me to tell yah of how Rarity helped me with mah first heat."

"HEAT?!" I was clotheslined.

"Let me guess," she said as she sat beside me and pulled me into her lap. "Yahr having gut wrenching cramps, followed by a burning itch deep in yahr belly?"

I could only nod, my eyes growing wide as she listed off exactly what my body was feeling and doing.

"Congratulations, yahr going through yahr first estrus," she said as she started to gently rub her fingers into my belly fur. Absently I opened my legs and laid back into my human Applejack's touch. I now know why these ponies enjoy belly rubs so goddamn much.

"B..but how," I couldn't help but ask, my eyes fluttering closed when her fingers slipped over my small teats.

"Ah would say it was the Love Gun," she shrugged, rubbing the palm of her hand down over my pubic bone and getting a long moan from me. "It would seem that Sand Dune is more than just an alternate form…"

I couldn't understand what she was getting at, I was paying too much attention to her hand. Each time she would press her fingers against my sex as she dragged her hand back up. The third time, her index finger slid between the folds of my pussy. I tensed and gasped slightly, it felt wonderful.

By God, I couldn't believe this was happening to me… I opened my eyes part way, she was looking at me smiling. "Yah like?" She asked.

I smiled back. "Oh god yes." I felt a finger enter me and groaned loudly, I couldn't help it as my eyes closed again. I stretched my head up to stroke her bosom, just wanting to touch her. I felt her breath on my face, she kissed me softly on the lips. Without opening my eyes, I reached up behind her neck and pulled her towards me, and we kissed again. Our tongues explored each other's mouths hungrily. I shocked myself, but it seemed so natural and incredibly sexy.

All the while AJ was using her fingers on all the right places, I had never been touched like this before, but then again, I had never had sex as a filly. Meanwhile Applejack was sliding her index finger gently up and down, lightly stroking the sensitive spot between my asshole and pussy, then upwards into my sex and up and over my clit, never missing. I was soaking wet from the shower and my own juices, I was in heaven...

After what felt like a lifetime, AJ broke the kiss and gently set me on the shower floor, "Now then, yah Just lay back and relax," she cooed and started to nibble down my neck very slowly, little bites and wet kisses driving me fucking wild. Her fingers lingered for a while on my teats, pinching my nipples, while stroking my belly with her other hand. "This will feel a bit strange, but yahr going to love it…" she said before planting little butterfly kisses on my stomach, she carried on down, kissing all around my pussy.

Holy fucking Mary mother of god! My stomach was trembling uncontrollably as a strange tingling shot up and down my spine each time she kissed my sex. Is this really what a girl feels when someone plays with their pussy?

I was suddenly yanked out of my happy glow of pleasure when AJ sat up. I opened my eyes and groaned in disappointment as she pulled away. But not to worry, she knelt on the floor between my parted thighs and flashed me a reassuring smile. Reaching up with both hands to caress my stomach and crotch tits, she began to nuzzle my pussy.

I let out a loud squeal and my world erupted into a rainbow of color when Applejack began doing with her tongue what she had been doing with her fingers. As her tongue parted the soft folds of my sex, I instinctively moved my hips forward and felt an electrical pulse that made my heart jump in my chest and pussy twitch with need.

I was lost in a world of pleasure that I had never known before, reaching under my young thighs, pulling my rear legs as wide as I could, enabling Applejack to flick her tongue between my splayed cheeks. This had never been done to me before and frankly, I was loving it.

AJ could tell and alternated between licking my ass and my clit. The longer Applejack kept up her tonguing pace, the deeper it scraped along the inside of my grasping pussy, the more intense my growing orgasm would be. And then she slipped a long finger into my sex and blew my mind.

I felt a sensation of warmth beginning to build deep inside my belly. "Ooh fuck!" I gasped, my back arching off the floor as I moaned out a silent screech of pleasure. The sudden entry of her digit was all it took to trigger an intense orgasm.

But Applejack wasn't done; with a hiss from me, she quickly added a second finger and began to rub the inside of my love tunnel hard and fast. Everything began to spin out of control as my pleasure increased, surfing the waves of one climax right into another as she stretched my pussy. Again AJ sped up her thrusts and my body started to thrash.

"…AAApppplllleeeejjjaaaccccckkk…" I groaned out in a hoarse voice as desire overcame me once more and I was suddenly lost in a world of blue erotic light.

I lay stunned on the floor as Applejack gently pulled her digits free and began to clean my honey off her fingers. Once done, she slowly moved over and grasped a washcloth from a nearby rack. "So how was yahr first time as a filly," she asked as she began to wash my pony body free of sweat and other things.

"God, it was fantastic, had much practice?" I quipped while gasping for breath.

"A little" she replied with a giggle and kissed me on the lips, I could taste myself… "As Ah said, Rarity helped me with mah first heat… and a few others."

"What about you?" I asked.

"Don't worry, I don't think we are close to being done."

Little did I know the truth to her words, it would be another day before the effects of the gun dissipated... not that I cared a flying fuck.

Crystal (Meth) Empire, Part 5

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Crystal (Meth) Empire Finale

Author's Note

Warning: this chapter is all over the place.

WARNING: Gore ahoy! Sorta.

Pretty much an edited version of it. All credit goes to the creator, Sergeant Sprinkles.

Crystal (Meth) Empire Finale

"While they're preparing the fair, what're the humans going to be doing?" Shining asked after the Elements left, singing a song eerily familiar to the beat of a bible school song I was forced to sing once. My Christian parents hoped I was gonna be a Lutheran like them, but I firmly established an Atheist image for myself when I was young.

"Either helping them or setting up a perimeter." I started to explain. "Max and I will be with the Element of Magic for as long as possible, but as soon as the shit hits the fan, I'm out there in the thick of it."

"Why personal bodyguards for Twi?" He questioned.

"From what Sombra said, she holds the key of saving the Empire." I answered. He was cut off as Shelton muttered into his ear.

"Right." He nodded, and looked at me. "I'm going to stay with Cadence, since she'll appreciate the support."

"Go be with your wife. I have things handled here." I said, and looked out a window as the pair's steps faded away.

"All units, move out to your designated areas." I said into the microphone.

"Roger/Copy that/Affirmative." Came their responses. "You got it, Bubba." There's Max.

Blake and I had just wandered into the Crystal Throne room, discussing several different plains of attack when the commotion caught our attention. "Of course!" Twilight announced as Max and Spike ran into her from behind, Spike bouncing off her plot, only to fall on his ass while the human tried not to trip over her.

"Twilight, Did you find the Crystal Heart?" I asked when she started marching her way towards the throne.

"We looked all over this castle and found nothing..." Spike grumped, brushing his backside off.

"That's because this isn't King Sombra's castle!" She smiled, her confidence showing as she squared off with the throne.

"But isn't this where he lived when he was in power?" Spike wondered aloud, asking the same question on my mind.

"It is… but it didn't look like this," Twi stated as she focused her magic at the throne… only she seemed to be having trouble. "Drat, I need to feel anger for this to work."

"Celestia is a fucking bitch and a retard for intrusting the safety of this empire to you!" I chirped.

"What did you just say?!" She demanded as she shot me an angry glare.

"It worked didn't it," I just had to point out. "You're angry, right?"

"Oh yeah, it did…" Twi realized only to give out a snort after her anger passed. "Do it again Mark, but wait until I focus on the throne."

"I've been waiting to do this for so long," I was rubbing my hooves and chuckling evilly as I stood next to her. As her horn began to pop 'n spark with pent up magic, I leaned in close and whispered in her ear. As to what I whispered, Fuck you, I'm not repeating it just in case Celestia reads this… however, the effect was undeniable.

Dark energy shot from Twilight and hit the crystal throne, turning it black and evil, yet that was not the only thing to happen. Hatred and fear oozed out from the throne and across the floor to reveal…

"Holy shit," Blake jumped back, either frightened by evil looking Twi, or because part of the floor he was standing on just disappeared. I'd probably go with the second one.

"Thanks Mark," Twilight smiled up at me as she proved herself right.

"Yeah… sure," I shrugged and patted her on the back. "Glad I could help."

"Do I even want to know what you said to her?" Max gave me the stink eye as he began to follow Sparklebutt down the secret staircase.

"And risk have it getting back to Celestia," I scoffed. "Hell no!"

"That's ok Max, I'll make sure to put it in my next friendship report." I fucking hate you now.

"You wouldn't dare," I demanded, only to have Twilight turn and stick her tongue out at me. With a sigh, I followed them down the stairs.

"I…I'll stay here with Blake," Spike announced. "Y…you know, to keep an eye on things." Kid was scared, but he was at least being in a position of helpfullness by being there.

"Good thinking Spike…" Twi called back.

The trip down the foreboding spiral staircase was just that, about halfway down Twilight tripped and before Max or I could catch her, she went bouncing down the stairs. "Fuuuck," Max groaned out and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Celestia's going to kill me if she dies."

"She won't die," I chuckled as I stepped passed. "These ponies are rather resilient, hell I once saw Dash fly head first into an apple tree at full speed and laugh it off."

"Twilight, are you ok," the Master Sergeant called, just to make sure.

"Yeah," her voice echoed back from the black beyond. "Spike, can you see outside?"

"It's not good," the dragon shouted down. "Cadence's magic must be fading faster than before!"

"Fuck," We growled out and then beat feet down the stairs as fast as we could. By the time I hit bottom Twi was trying to nail down a wooden door that kept moving around the room she was in. "Are you sure about this Twi," I questioned as she stood before the unmarked door.

"Sure I'm sure," she snorted, firing a blast of dark magic at the portal and getting it to open, "Come on Max," Twilight said as she trotted through the door. "I think it's through here…"

"Hey, Pinks." I said to the pink reality warper as I walked into Sugarcube Corner. I had this eery feeling of being somewhere else, but I ignored it.

"Hey, Markie! Hey Apple!" She chirped from behind the counter. "Thanks for coming in to help me!"

"How come you couldn't just get Gallan to help?" I asked, leaning against the wall while being careful to not squish Apple. She shook her head, causing me to sigh a little. "Alright, lay it on me."

"That's the spirit. Here you go." Pinkie handed me a cupcake.

I was puzzled, "I thought I was helping you bake?"

"You will be. I made this one just for you before you got here."

"So, is this like taste testing or something?"

"Sorta," Pinkie said.

I shrugged and popped the pastry in my mouth, giving a little to Apple. We chewed a bit and swallowed. Not bad.

"Ok, now what?" Apple asked.

"Now," Pinkie informed her, "you take a nap."

Puzzled, I opened my mouth but felt instantly lightheaded. A wave of dizziness washed over me, the world spun, and seconds later I collapsed to the floor next to my daughter.

[Third Person]

When Mark regained consciousness, he awoke into a dark room. He tried moving, but found tight leather straps keeping his arms, legs, and head in place. His arms were strapped down by the wrists while his legs were strapped at the ankles. He had several metal braces going across his chest and one was between his thighs, helping the leather straps keep his legs apart. As he struggled, Gallan and Pinkie entered his vision.

"Goodie, you're awake. Now we can get started!" Pinkie stated gleefully. She bounded into the darkness, and quickly reappeared pushing a small cart covered with a cloth.

"What the fuck, Luke?!" Mark asked, jerking his arms. The other human merely grinned like a madman. Mark turned to the pink mare. "Pinkie, what the fuck's going on? I can't move!" He said urgently.

"Well duh, that's because you're tied down," chided Pinkie. "That's why you can't move. I didn't think you'd need to be told that."

"But why? What's happening? I thought you said I was going to help make cupcakes."

"You are helping. You see, I ran out of the special ingredient and I need you to get more."

"Special ingredient?" Mark was now breathing heavily, but hasn't started to panic yet. "What special ingredient?"

Pinkie giggled and responded "You, silly!"

Mark's eyes widened, and his face contorted into a scowl. Then he started to laugh and said, in a voice bordering on hysteria. "Woo, you really got me there, Pinks. I mean, tricking me in to thinking I'm gonna get made into a cupcake? I gotta tell you, this the best prank yet. You win, you're the best. And you're making this really convincing, Gallan. Props to you, too."

Pinkie only giggled even more. "Aw, thanks Markie! But I haven't done any pranks today, so I can't accept your praise." Luke nodded in agreement.

Mark was struggling again. "Pinkie, come on, this isn't funny."

"Then why were you laughing?" Before Mark could answer, Gallan grabbed the cloth and whipped it off the cart. On the cart was a tray containing various sharp medical tools and knives, carefully organized and wickedly sharp, as well as a large medical bag, probably Isaac's.

Mark was now in full panic mode. He was starting to hyperventilate. His mind raced as he tried to reason with the pink pony. "You can't do this Pinkie! I'm your friend!" Then he glared at Luke. "And I'm your goddamn superior!"

"I know you are and that's why I'm so happy that I've got you here. We get to share your last moments together, just you and us!" Pinkie was skipping again.

"I was never that big on the chain of command, sir." Gallan added with a creepy as hell grin, looking over a scapel. "Have to remember to thank Doc for letting us... borrow his equipment." He added as he stepped forward. Mark wasn't horrified by what Gallan was saying, he was horrified by what was behind Gallan. In a cruel mockery of itself, Isaac Thompson's head was grinning back at him, showing two emotions. While the lower face was showing glee and as if there was nothing wrong with the world, his eyes showed absolute terror.

"Never able to get the eyes right..." He sighed, sparing the late Thompson a pitiful glance, before turning to Mark. "Do try and enjoy this, would you? Hate for another masterpiece to go to waste."

"Lukie, do you think you could work on Mark? I'm still not too familiar with human anatomy." Pinkie asked, moving out of the strapped down human's sight.

"Only if you let him see what happens to our other 'guest'." Gallan said with a vicious grin. Mark's blood chilled almost instantly.

"What did you do with my daughter?" He said in a quiet voice. What confirmed his fears was the next thing he heard.

"D-Daddy?" Apple's voice quivered. Pinkie pushed a smiliar table as to what he was on into his vision, showing the young changeling strapped down in a similar position to his, except her legs weren't as spread as his, allowing her some shreds of decency. The pink mare pushed Apple's table into Mark's reach, if he wasn't tied down.

"Don't do anything to her, you sick fucks!" Mark growled, while they both chuckled a little before looking downcast.

"I wish we didn't have to." Pinkie sighed, moving over to the table that Gallan had picked up the scapel. "But your time is up, and Luke drew your numbers."

Even though he was writhing in his bonds, Mark couldn't help but have a thought enter his head.

'The numbers, Mason! What do the numbers mean?!'

Yea, not a good time, given the circumstances.

"Wh-what's going on?" Apple hesitantly asked, not needing to sense his emotions to tell that Mark was royally pissed off about something.

"Something terrible." Pinkie sighed, taking a sharper than normal knife and going back over to her. "Just so you know, I really am sorry about this. Since we don't have any morphine that'll work on you, you'll have to feel it fully." She apologized in advance as she brought the knife to Apple's chitinous chest, right above her bottom set of ribs.

"Wh-what?" Apple managed to stammer out as Gallan grabbed onto Mark's head and forced him to watch. With a small sigh, Pinkie cut into Apple's chest. The only one who heard the changeling's screech of pain was Mark, due to the emotional connection, causing him to writhe in pain.

"Interesting..." Gallan muttered, noticing that they both had tears streaming down their faces, though Mark's was more invoulintary than Apple's. The BAR gunner moved a hand to check Mark's pulse, and chuckled at what he found out.

"What is it?" Pinkie asked, stopping halfway down her body.

"What you do to her, you do to him, more or less." He replied with a shrug. "You're not leaving any visible marks, but he'll more than likely die when she does." Pinkie hmm'd, but nodded.

"We'll have to be extra careful, then!" She chirped, resuming the procedure. Both changeling and Marine squirmed in pain, before Mark let out a groan.

"Thought you would last longer than that; I'm dissappointed in you, Mark." Gallan sighed, shaking his head. The other man could only give off a half whimper, half growl in reply. "How's the cutting going along, babe?"

"Done!" Pinkie chirped, placing the knife (which was now covered in flecks of chitin and green blood) back on the tray. All of a sudden, both Mark and Apple felt something being wrenched from their insides, and when Apple looked up with watery eyes, she saw Pinkie holding a chunk of her flesh. "I've never had changeling before!" With a sickening pop, she ripped the chunk in two and consumed half, humming in confusion.

"Lemme try." Gallan plucked the other half from her hoof and ate it, "...Grasshopper." He finally said, shrugging. Mark coughed up a little blood alongside Apple, both experiencing new levels of pain.

Mark knew shit like this happened to US personnel who went MIA, but to hear it and to experience it are two completely different things.

"What should I get rid of first..." Pinkie rubbed her chin with a pink and green hoof, looking over Apple in thought.

"Remove her horn." Gallan suggested. "Can't let her escape now, can we?" Apple's eyes widened further, and she started writhing in her bonds again.

"P-Please, no!" Apple screeched, horn flaring up to preform a spell. Within a second, Gallan grabbed her horn (cutting himself a little in the process) and slammed her head onto the table, stunning both of their 'subjects'. Gallan forced her neck to bend to where her horn was almost completely off of the table, except for an inch or so.

"Like I said, I'm sorry..." Pinkie apologized right before swinging a meat cleaver down, chopping most of Apple's horn off in one go. Both Mark and Apple roared in pain, though the latter was in Mark's head and was unheard.

"Can't have you passing out on us, can we?" Gallan asked as Mark was jolted awake, pulling a syringe out of his arm.

"That was totally rude!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Didn't anybody teach you any manners? It's very rude to fall asleep when somebody invites you over to spend time with them. How would you like it if I came over to your house and went to sleep? 'Oh I'm sorry Mark, you're so boring I think I'll take a nap.' You think I like always doing this with just Gallan? I told you how excited I got when I found you were next. I was excited to have a friend be here with me while I worked. But NOOOOO! You've got to be inconsiderate. You know, I thought you were tough. I thought you could handle anything. I've had foals stand up better than you! Do I have to baby you? Huh? Is that how you want me to remember you, as a baby instead of a Marine?" She scolded the panting Marine, a frown adorning her features.

"Even your own child was able to stay awake!" She added, before thinking for a moment. "Granted, she was on the verge of passing out, but still!"

"Make him suffer for it." Gallan said, pointing at her stomach. Pinkie giggled and traded her meat cleaver for a scalpel, placing it at one end of the digestive organ.

"Just kill us, goddammit!" Mark grunted, feeling something slowly pierce his stomach. Gallan and Pinkie looked at each other for a moment.

"Should we?" She asked, while Apple and Mark looked at each other.

"Yea..." Gallan sighed. "We both don't like working on children, so let's just make it as painless as possible now." Pinkie nodded and stepped back as Gallan drew his trench knife.

"I'll see you on the other side, Apple." Mark said with tears in his eyes before Gallan swung his knife into the changeling's heart, killing her and the Marine simultaneously.

The last thing Mark did was laugh hysterically, yelling out a simple thing.

"All of this is fake!" Was the last thing he let out before passing away.

Nearby Max and Spike were doing their best to wake Twilight, who had been in the same stupor as myself. "Yo, Twilight, you ok?"

"What the fucking hell was that?" I grumbled darkly.

"I think we just experienced a taste of Sombra's power…" Sparklebutt shivered only to pause as the radio in Max's helm crackled to life.

"The shield is failing, repeat, the shield is failing!" Blake's voice shouted.

"I have to get back to the battle," I shook my head clear and started for the stairs.

"I'm staying with Twilight, General," Max stated, before pulling his Covenant Carbine and handing it over. "Just so you know, I disabled the overheat venting… if worse comes to worse, lock the trigger down and run."

"This is powered by Balefire magic, right?" Max nodded and caused me to grin. "I'll buy you guys some time, but you better hurry the fuck up."

"Come on guys," Twilight called out to Spike and Max. "We're on the right track!"

I was still trying to shake off the mindfuck I had received from Sombra's little trap when I stepped from the palace and right into the shit. Thank the gods that Apple was with AJ at the time. "Sir," Blake rushed up and reported. "The shield is weakening at an alarming rate, and we already have reports that a few of the Yeti have slipped through…"

"Have they engaged any of our troops?" I asked while marching over to the HQ tent.

"No Sir," he shook his head. "They seem to be waiting for something."

"And the crystal ponies?"

"Rarity and the rest of the Elements of Harmony have all the citizens at the fairgrounds." He filled me in as I reached the hub of command. "As of right now, we are awaiting orders."

"Duffy, Shepard, Bill." I called out and almost instantly the three snipers appeared behind me. "You three find someplace high and start calling out enemy movements and strength, take Gallan and O'Drake with you as spotters. Two of you have to share one, so be nice."

"Why me?" Luke blinked in confusion.

"Because I said so," and because the real Pinkamena scares the ever loving shit out of me. "Now get going!"

"YES SIR!" They barked and rushed out, the last thing I heard was Shepard as she pulled Luke after her into the air. "Come on bug boy, you're used to taking orders from girls, so you're with me!"

"Ok, everyone listen up." I announced once I had my helmet on. "The palace is now home plate with the first ringing crossroad as the fence line, everything in between is our front yard." I said as I looked over the maps infront of me. "We will use our remaining love gun to keep the Yeti at bay, but once they breech the fence line, all bets are off and its weapons free. No matter what Cadence or the others requested."

"Who's going to man the LG?" Blake asked from the other side of the map table.

"You are," I smiled. "Grab a fast transport and shoot anything not human."

"What about the ponies?"

"The LG is nonlethal," I reminded him. "If you see a pony outside the defensive line, you shoot! There is too great a possibility that they could be under Sombra's influence, so take no chances."

"Gotcha," he nodded as he snatched up the Spartan Laser and called out to Gallum. "Hey Fred, wanta go for a drive?"

"What for?" She asked.

"Yeti hunting!" The dragon chirped.

"Am I driving or shooting?" She's lucky I was able to get Shadow to modify Rover to allow ponies to use.

"We can take turns." Blake offered.

"Hot damn, Count me in!" Always sounds weird in Ditzy's voice.

As the sound of squealing tires faded, I turned my attention back to the maps. The layout of the empire was like an old ship's compass with 12 roads leading out from the palace with several intersecting crossroads, Farmlands on the outskirts, homes in the middle, with businesses and hotels closer to the castle.

Not a bad setup, but it reminded me to much like the civilian block in a certain underground bunker… I had chills.

"Home plate, this Athena, do you copy?"

"I read you Athena," I acknowledged. "What's your situation?"

"We have 10 furballs on the move, and it looks like their heading towards the fairgrounds."

"Roger that," well here we go… "Delay them if you can, sweep and clear if you can't."

"Copy that, we will try lighting a fire under their asses, if that doesn't work we'll go to plan B."

"Plan B?" I heard Blake ask over the com.

"Plan Barbecue," I clarified.

Because the Yeti were under Sombra's mind control and not in charge of their own faculties, Cadence had asked that we try not to kill unless necessary. To that end, Blake and Gallum did their best to relieve the Yeti threat, using the Love Gun on any large group they came across. But it wasn't enough. The more the shield flickered, the more Yeti came through.

The snipers went to work first, followed closely by the song of combat rifles and the whoosh of a high-powered flamethrower as Athena went to work. Small arms fire proved rather ineffective, 9 millimeter rounds just seemed to piss them off, and while .45's punched a hole in their hide, it did little to stop the 9 foot tall enraged snowmen. Even with a direct hit to the face.

But I can say with total certainty that winter fur is no match for armor piercing rounds.

[Shelton]

I had wanted to fight at least one or two opponents, but I must say that my opportunity came rather soon. A Yeti charged down the hallway, aiming for the door I was standing in front of. I leveled a sword at it and gave off a silent challenge. It didn't disappoint me as it roared and charged. Right before it could gut me, I rolled out of the way and took a swipe at it with my weapon. A large gash appeared in its forearm, but that only seemed to piss it off.

"Agh!" I grunted as I picked myself up, having been knocked into the wall. I was slightly winded, but I didn't let that stop me from taking this thing down. I brought my sword up in time to block its claw as it brought it down at my head, probably aiming to decapitate me.

I was still knocked down from the force of the blow, but I kicked the animal in the shin and got back to my feet. With a snarl, I managed to decapitate it before it could recover.

My victory was cut short when I fell to my knees, groaning in pain. I wiped my chest and saw that my hand came back covered in blood.

[Gallan and Jane]

"Yeti at 500 meters, ten degrees north." The changeling muttered. The red and black alicorn next to him paused for a moment to slightly adjust her scope, before sending a .50 speeding towards her target.

"Furball down." She muttered, waiting for another target.

[Bill, Duffy, o'Drake]

"Duffy, I see one coming in through your sector." Connor reported. "Two coming through your's, Bill." He added after a moment.

"I see 'em." Duffy muttered, before squeezing off a round. A spurt of blood was seen as a clean hole appeared in the furball's head and the half ton beast crumpled. "Got 'em."

"Tangoes down." Bill muttered, collecting the still cooling brass casing. "I'm still in the lead, even with these damn hooves. Step up your game, dragon."

"With pleasure, changeling." Duffy all but growled.

[Doc]

"That'll just about do it..." I muttered, before backing away from Stephen. "Good to go, Cepeda."

"Thanks, Doc." He said, rubbing his leg. I frowned as he picked at the stitches, before slowly getting to his feet. "I promise, I'll be careful."

"You better..." I muttered, before looking at Fluttershy, who was finishing up with Maul. Why that dog was named that, I wouldn't know.

"Now, I want you to take it easy for a while." She said as she wrapped gauze around his torso. Apparently he got shot too, but it was only a glancing blow.

"You ready, buddy?" Maul wagged his tail and went to Cepeda's side. The Gunnery Sergeant knelt down and attached the dog's combat vest to him.

"I don't like the fact that poor Maul was put through war..." Fluttershy muttered to me as we put the medical supplies back into their rightful cabinets. Yeah, they came in with me, but these ponies seriously needs something other than jars of leeches.

"The MWDs were a vaulable addition to the conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan, from what I've gathered from Stephen." I said. "Humans don't even come remotely close to the same sense of smell as dogs do. MWDs were enlisted to sniff out bombs, enemies, and help locate lost men." I smiled a little as the two left the room.

"Still..." She didn't let up on the frown.

[Cepeda]

"Hunter and Maul are in position." I said into my mic once we arrived at the fair.

"Roger that. You know what to do when we report a Yeti past the 'fenceline'." The general's voice replied.

"Yes sir." I answered, loading my M14. "C'mon Maul, I wanna see what they got in store for us." Maul barked and padded next to me as I shouldered my rifle and looked at a pie.

[Blake and Callum]

Callum fired off another blast of concentrated orgy while gripping harder onto the turret, before having to duck the swinging M2 Browning for the fourth time.

"Goddammit man!" He yelled as Blake drove the Humvee erradically. "Watch where you're fucking driving!" He added as the vehicle demolished a mailbox.

"I'm tyring to get some goddamn traction on these streets!" The Scot snapped as they drifted into an impressive turn. Callum was able to blast another Yeti in the face as they barreled past.

[Lucy's crew]

"See anything yet?" Drew asked Church, who was scanning the outskirts of the fair.

"Yeti, but they're being kept busy with the others." He answered, right before the shield started flickering like mad.

"That's not good..." Vills' grip tightened on his Kar98. At his request, Mark had also given him a scope that was compatable with it. Sooner or later, Mark was going to replace his rifle with something called a 'G43'. With a shattering noise, the shield slowly started breaking.

"General, the shield's failing!" Krass half yelled, one hand on his helmet.

"Fucking figures!" The mare swore, before sighing. "All personnel, the shield is down. I repeat, the shield is down. Fire at will and aim for the head when you're sure you have a shot."

"Roger that, sir." Several voices echoed out. Dunlock and Collins opted to not say anything, instead making sure their rifles were loaded and aimed down their street. Vills took a moment to go into a building and climb up to the second story, poking his rifle out the window for a cleaner shot at anything not pony or human.

Or dog, since the general informed that there was a MWD working with them.

"Incoming!" Vills was the first to spot a Yeti barreling down the street due to his advantage point above the others.

"Ready!" Drew called out, aiming down the sight. "Steady!" The Yeti inched closer. "Steady!" Closer... "Fire!" The reports of six rifles echoed at once as the beast stumbled and slammed into the crystal road, skidding a few meters before stopping. As one, the MK-V crew cycled the bolt and chambered a new round.

[Athena]

"...the shield's failing!" Krass' voice rang out in the crew's helmets. The crew looked to Viktor, their new commander.

"What do we do?" Moore questioned.

"Plan B." Viktor said. "Burn all Yeti we come across." He looked at Legaski's legs. "If Hill misses any of the furballs, I want you to gun them down without remorse."

"Aye aye, sir." The man gave a salute even though Collins couldn't see it.

"This is 'Athena', we are enacting Plan B." McDermott said into the radio.

"I copy, Athena." Mark's voice crackled in through the speakers. "Give 'em hell and leave none alive."

"Put 'er in gear, Moore!" Viktor said, and the war machine lurched forward a moment later.

[Johnnie]

The motorcycle had a surprisingly better traction on the crystals when compared to Rover (though Athena had the best of the three). All this meant though was that when Johnnie went into a turn he didn't get sent flying.

"I'm starting to think it was probably a bad idea deciding to come with them..." He muttered as he skidded into another turn and used his Browning Auto-5 to messily decapitate a yeti who got too close for comfort. "Definitely a bad idea!" He exclaimed as a sneaky swipe caused him to go flying and crash into a store's front window. The impact only winded him, thanks to his armour.

'Shit.' He thought as he noticed his shotgun was missing and the yeti that threw him was climbing through the window.

[Jakob]

With a snarl, I smashed into the yeti about to maul Johnnie. With my changeling awesomeness, I had been able to turn into one of them, though my fur was oddly black instead of snow white. Ah well...

Without a word (I couldn't speak), I tossed the boy his shotgun, before throwing the yeti out through the hole I made, bounding after it. Johnnie came out several seconds later to see me in a brawl with two of them.

[Johnnie]

Jakobs, or probably Apple, was doing well, until one of the furballs got ahold of an arm. I managed to shoot the other and kill it, but not before a loud roar sounded out and green blood started spraying everywhere.

The changeling let out a primal roar and started beating the hell out of the living yeti, even using its dismembered arm in the process.

"It's dead!" I yelled, running up to its side. It looked at me before nodding and flashing green, revealing Jakob, still missing a leg. The ripped off appendage didn't change back.

"M-Medic..." He weakly said, before crumpling to the ground.

"Don't die on me..." I muttered, picking him up and going over to my steel horse, and lying him in the messenger bag, before mounting it and revving the engine. "I'll get you over to Doc and you'll be as right as rain..."

[Fair personnel]

"This is Messenger Actual." Johnnie's voice rang out. "Doc, I'm en route to the hospital."

"What happened?" Tobias was the first to say, doing his best to not look nervous.

"Jakob's been badly injured." The sixteen year old responded.

"Ugh... W-Why can't I feel my left arm...?" The changeling in question muttered, eliciting a response from Mark.

"Fucking... Don't go into the light, Jakob!" She half yelled. "Whatever you do, don't head into the light!"

"Fluttershy and I are ready for him, get here as fast as possible." Doc said.

"We'll clear a hole for you." Sven told Johnnie, before everyone stationed in the vicinity of the fair started making confused ponies move out of the way.

Not even ten seconds later saw Johnnie rocket past, a faint green trail indicating that he wasn't bullshitting around.

"Tobias, Sven. Fill in the hole left by Jakob's absence." Mark said after a moment.

"Yes sir." The two rushed off towards the southeast sector.

[Huka]

"Keep 'em pinned down!" I shouted, firing off a controlled burst from my FAMAS. Mark had given me an intersection and I was to hold it down with Schmidt, Dusk (another Staff Sergeant, but from Vietnam), Sergio, and Alex Veetor. I was temporarily in command, and with the best (relatively speaking) gun, I was a distraction while the others reloaded their weapons. With the location, we were under heavy assault.

"Reloading!" Dusk shouted as a magazine fell from his AK-47 and onto the ground. I knew he was entertaining the idea of using the M79 strapped to his side. I covered him as he loaded up another magazine. "I'm on my last mag!"

"Grab another weapon from the stockpile!" I replied, laying down assistant fire for Schmidt while he loaded another clip into his rifle.

[Dusk]

As soon as the last bullet was expended, I dropped my assault rifle and backed up, firing off a single grenade from my launcher. Buying myself a moment to get another weapon, I turned and grabbed a BAR, along with a bandoleer of mags for it. I turned in time to gun down a yeti with 30-06 bullets.

[Schmidt]

"Fuck this." I muttered, dropping my Kar98 and cocking my StG-44. I had to give up the use of my beloved MP40 because of the fact that the bullets would simply piss off the yeti. Even with direct hits to the face.

[Sergio]

"Reloading!" I called out, fumbling for another magazine for my M5. I didn't have any idea as to what this rifle was, other than the fact that it was the next assault rifle officially adopted by the US military, according to Max. It was a cross between the M16/M4 family and the AK-47, almost having no faults other than the rare jamming.

I managed to cock the assault rifle and continue firing before I could be decapitated by a yeti, sliding to the side as it fell down where I was a second ago.

[Alex]

"Throwing a grenade!" I shouted, lobbing a frag down my street as hard as I could. The resulting explosion and shrapnel took out three furballs and removed a leg from another. I put the crippled one out of its misery before emptying the mag of my M4 into the face of the final one in sight, for the moment. I picked up my shotgun and started loading some more shells into it.

"All clear." Huka confirmed, causing three of us to sag in relief. Schmidt merely huffed and started collecting clips and magazines for his weapon.

[Mark]

"How's it going?" A feminine voice suddenly pipped up from behind me as I stared at the map of the Empire. I had moved Jakob's little figure over to the hospital with Fluttershy and Doc, while replacing it with Sven and Tobias' figures.

"Already down a man." I sighed, pausing a moment to listen to a report. "Johnnie, as soon as you can, could you deliver some supplies to Huka's group? They're starting to run low on ammo."

"I'll be right on it, sir!" Came his reply.

"I saw his body." She sighed and stepped up next to me. "There wasn't anything I could do, dad."

"So Jakob's gone, then?" I asked, looking at Faust. At her grim nod, I sighed. "I'll put him down under the casualties list I have, then." I muttered and pulled a list out from my pocket. I used a pencil to erase his name and place it at the bottom, adding a rank on.

"His body isn't going anywhere, is it?" My daughter asked sadly.

"I'll go back in time after cremating his body, and put the vase with his current grave." I said. "It's what he wanted, and so I must oblige his final wish."

[Operator Squad]

"See anything?" Nutcracker asked of the rest of the squad.

"Negative." Gunny replied, sighing a little. The woman leaned back against the wall she was next to and frowned a little.

"This is kinda boring." Chief muttered, Ash nodding in agreement.

"Why'd the general put us up here, anyway?" Ash questioned.

"To have a squad keep a bloody eye out over the entire fair." Came said person's voice.

"Right." Ash muttered, rolling his eyes, before he did a double-take at what he saw.

[Yovslavich]

I do not know why Mark decided it was a good idea to put me in the castle, but I did not argue. I had dealt with stupid sounding orders for a while now, and this was no different.

Mark had posted me outside the throne room, and told me to guard it with anything except my life. An odd order, but I did it anyway.

[Mark]

"SOMBRA'S PAST THE BARRIER!" Somebody shouted, causing me to sigh in agitation.

"All non-engaged personnel, if you spot Sombra open fire." I said, before slowly walking out of the tent.

"You don't have to go out there, Mark." Faust softly said. I paused long enough to look at my daughter.

"I do and we both know it." I sighed, looking down a little. "We both know I would put my life on the line for my men and women, during the time of war. Right now is just a battle, but we cannot allow Sombra inside the castle." I chuckled and looked back out. "I'd ask for some divine intervention, but we don't have a Hammer of Dawn and you don't have the ability to appear to anyone else, at the moment."

"I'm getting stronger, dad." Faust said, causing me to smile a little. "Who knows, maybe I can appear in real life for a few minutes in your lifetime." That caused my smile to widen.

"I'm sure your mother would love to meet you." I said, cracking my back a little. "I must go now, my people need me." Never thought I would get to say that. It got her to giggle, at any rate.

"Good luck dad, I'll be watching over you." Faust said before departing.

[Max/Twi/Spike]

"FUCK ME!" Pony Max cried as gravity reoriented and he landed on the floor with his face… while Twilight and Spike landed a little less haphazardly. The upside-down stare case slide started off a bit rocky seeing as how Max's flight boots were designed to keep him from sliding, yet hooves on the other hand…

And the sight of Celestia, even if it was the male version, made the already mirthful Sparklebutt giggle like a school filly.

"What's so funny," Max grunted while trying to pull his long embedded horn out of the floor. Currently he had an unobstructed view of his belly and balls and all it did was remind him that every time he transformed, that all his cloths disappeared and he became naked. Hey, when you're covered from head to hoof in fur, you tend to forget you're really nude… just swinging in the breeze. Well, halfway.

"Oh, nothing much," Twi giggled as she used her magic to help pop his horn free. "Allow me to help you, Prince Sunbutt."

"Oh ha ha," he sighed sarcastically, giving a roll of his eyes.

"Um… guys?" Turning, both Twilight and Max found Spike standing stock still with a little clawed hand pointing at…

"Well Twi," Max smiled as he nodded her on. "It's up to you now."

Grinning wildly, the purple unicorn began to make her way towards the real crystal heart that floated high in the middle of the room. Yet as she stepped onto the odd star pattern on the floor below the heart, it suddenly turned dark. Recognizing Sombra's evil, Max darted forward, yelling "It's a trap!" only he momentarily forgot he was a pony.

Armored shod hooves slid on the polished floor as he tried to stop, instead he plowed into a confused Twilight and the two went tumbling. In the blink of an eye, black imposing crystals erupted from the edges of the star design and surrounded them. "The heart," Twilight gasped once she realized what had happened. "Where's the crystal…"

"It's over here," Spike called out while hopping about, trying hard to keep from stepping on the black shards that kept popping up through the floor. "It rolled over here."

"Don't move," she ordered, only upon seeing the threat sprouting up around his feet, she changed her mind. "Ok, you can move, just not toward me."

"Twi, Wait!" Max snapped as her horn lit up and she vanished… only to reappear slamming face first into the inner wall of the trap. "Can't you feel it," he asked while gently placing a wing on her back. "The black crystals fuck pony magic so once inside, no pony is getting out."

"How could I have been so foolish, I was just so eager to get it," she whimpered as she looked to Celestia… to Max for guidance. "And when I saw what was going on outside…"

"You have to get out of there Twilight, you have to be the one to bring the crystal heart to Princess Cadence," he stated in a panicked tone. "If you don't, you'll fail Princess Celestia's test."

"King Sombra is already attacking the empire," she sighed as sadness began to eat away at her. "He could reach the crystal ponies at any moment, reach Princess Cadence, my brother, my friends… There may not be enough time to find a way to escape."

"Oh Celestia, what should I do…" her head was hung low and ears drooping as she sat her plot on the floor, tears starting to form at the corner of her eyes as all hope slowly draining from her spirit.

Not knowing if he should interfere or not, he finally decided to hell the whole thing and took a deep calming breath. "I believe in you, Twilight Sparkle," he said softly, having altered his voice to sound like the sun princess. "Now calm yourself and think this through logically."

Glancing up, Twi's fears and sadness instantly vanished as hope once again filled her. Sure she knew Max was the one saying it, but to see Celestia's smiling face and to hear her voice… and then her gaze fell on Spike and something clicked. "You have to be the one to bring the crystal heart to the fair."

"W…who, me?" Spike blinked in dismay.

"Go…"

"But…"

"GO!" She commanded, and after a moment's hesitation, the little dragon grabbed the heart and ran for the balcony. Once he was gone, Twilight gave out a ragged sigh and fell to the floor, curling into a ball Max's hooves and began to shake. "Max," she whispered. "did I do the right thing?"

"Hey, up here," they could hear Spike yell. "I got the crystal heart!"

"Yes, yes you did," the male Sunbutt gave her a warm smile as he laid down next to her and wrapped a wing over her. "I don't know about the test, but I'm proud of you and I know Celestia will be to."

"You think so?" She peered up at him with her huge eyes.

"I know so…"

[Mark]

"Hey, up here!" A voice rang out over the sounds of battle. The fighting actually paused long enough for everyone's attention to be drawn up to the top spire and the little dragon perched on an extended balcony. "I got the crystal heart!"

"NO, THAT'S MINE!" Sombra snarled and fazed face first into the ground. As he did, black crystals sprouted from the earth, indicating where he was traveling. The next thing I knew he shot forth and rocketed into the air just as Spike started to run down a spiraling dark crystal tower.

And then the little twit tripped and fell… what the fuck?!

It didn't take a genius to realize that Sombra was using the obsidian crystals to power his… power and once he had abandoned the battle and began to use them to go after the falling heart, I had a quick idea. "All personnel listen up!" I called over my radio. "Forget shooting at Sombra, shoot the black crystals… repeat weapons free on all black glass!"

Pride welled up inside me when no one questioned my orders, and from over my shoulder the loud coughing of a fifty blared out, its tracers flying down range towards Sombra's creations. From all over the empire, where not otherwise engaged with Yeti, my troops opened fire on any and all black crystals. I could tell that the snipers had the easiest job of that, considering that they weren't engaged with anything.

And that's when this came over the radio. "Holy Shit! Shiny just chucked Lovebutt off the balcony!" Gallan reported.

Ok, what the fuck.

Sure enough, Shiny had suddenly tossed his wife into the air and as I watched, she and Sombra converged on the falling dragon… and just before he could get his prize, Cadence snatched up the heart and Spike with her magicks.

Upon seeing Cadence with the heart a crystal pony began to cheer out. "Look, the Crystal Heart!" As another cried, "It's the Crystal Princess!"

Seeing the evil fuck in a solid state, I pulled Max's carbine off my side and took aim, actually using my helmet to help the bolt fly true. "WHAT, NO STOP!" Sombra sounded pissed… The carbine made a twack sound as the bolt fired out and slammed into the fucker hard enough to knock him off his hooves.

Dropping the carbine, I took off at a dead gallop… I wanted to kick this guy's ass so goddamn badly it hurt.

The impact he made, after falling over 500 feet to the streets below, kicked up a shit load of dust and left a shallow crater. By the time I reached him, he was crawling from the pony shaped pit and cursing up a storm. "I AM A GOD," he snarled up at me as he reached the top of the crater. "I SHALL NOT BE DEFEATED!"

Pulling my magic stick from my belt, I changed it into a table leg. "Fuck you asshole!" I grunted as I swung with all I had (with magic, that's quite a lot). At that same moment Cadence was placing the Crystal heart into its proper spot under the castle.

"The Crystal Heart is returned! Use the light and love within you to insure that King Sombra does not!" She called out.

The leg connected with Sombra's face just as a bright wave of light exploded out from the palace and washed over the empire. When the light faded, all that was left of Sombra was the last 3 inches of his fucked up horn, his cape, and his dented crown. Feeling very happy and relaxed, I gathered up my spoils of war and moseyed back to HQ while humming the Ghostbusters theme…

Then my happiness evaporated as I realized how much paperwork I had to fill out.

Goddammit.

Pirates

Guess I should start by filling you guys in on what happened after Sombra's defeat, huh…

Well, after cleaning up the mess and burial of the dead, and convincing the surviving Yeti that we meant them no harm, things called down quite a bit. The remaining Yeti even helped us out by building an airstrip out of the ice fields outside of the empire, neat the train station.

So after two weeks of fixing up the Empire, the humans of Equestria were heading for home to the ponies we loved, and a routine of life we had come to enjoy. Little did I know that three days after returning to Ponyville, life would once again throw me a curve.

Yawning, I slid out of Applejack's warm embrace and promptly fell flat on my muzzle.

'What the fuck?' I thought to myself, before using a hoof to push myself up from the floor... Fucking dammit why am I not human at the moment?

'Sorry, Mark.' Something in my head made me pause.

"What." I deadpanned as I slowly got to my hooves.

'It's Sand Dune. Kinda felt like I wasn't being used as often and sorta took over your body. That business in the Empire was forced, so that doesn't count.' The voice said. 'Don't worry; you'll wake up tomorrow as yourself.'

"This is bloody weird..." I muttered, wobbling out the door and headed downstairs.

'How is it weird that you share a body with another person?' Sand Dune asked in confusion. I decided to not answer that and instead walk around Mugs to not trample him by mistake. My spider followed, a little confused by the recent change in bodies.

"Yea, it's me." I said as I saw his 'confusion'. "Just in a different body for the day." A little chittering answered me. "No, I didn't do it on purpose. Just sorta happened." A small nod was given as he accepted it and scurried off… you know, I always wondered how Luke Skywalker could understand R2D2, now I know.

"Mark?" Bloom yawned as she entered the kitchen. I was currently levitating my cup of 'tar', as Johnnie puts it, about to take a gulp.

"Yubbers." I answered, stifling a yawn of my own with my mug of coffee.

"Why are ya like that again?" Applebloom asked. "Ya run inta 'nother patch of Poison Joke?"

"Woke up like this." I answered, quaffing down my drink. Even as a filly, coffee was required to wake the fuck up. Probably why I was so accepting of this, when I think about it...

"What's fer breakfast?" She asked, sniffing. Sand Dune took the opportunity to take over my body, causing me to roll my eyes mentally.

"Eggs, toast, and hashbrowns." She said, gulping the rest of the coffee down, to my relief.

'Are you sure you can cook this?' I asked through my thoughts. It didn't give me a headache like when I do it with Apple, since it was in my head.

'I certainly can cook better than you can!' Dune huffed as she used our magic to levitate a few skillets out.

'I burn cereal when I pour milk into it.' I deadpanned. 'The only way one can be worse is if they fuck up the instant coffee from the MRE's.'

God, I could kill for a cup of fresh brewed, real bean coffee!

'As long as I don't burn down the house, we're good.' I heard a tone that bordered uncertainty when she answered.

Truth be told, I'm surprised we managed to keep the... Oh god I'm starting to sound like Luna and Moon, aren't I?

'Is it considered crazy if you do have two voices in your head?' Dune wondered silently as she finished making enough food for the entire house.

"I don't know." I muttered low enough to where AB wouldn't hear it.

To (our) my surprise, the food was actually able to be eaten.

"I'll see ya later!" I called out, waving a hoof out to the others. AJ, Judy, and Granny waved back, and I continued trekking to Ponyville.

'Wait...' A thought ran through our mind. 'How the fuck are we supposed to massage ponies?'

'...Shit.' I facehoofed. 'We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.'

Truth be told, hooves are not meant to give massages, but I somehow managed. "How fucking tired can you get?" I questioned Dusk as he reclined in the submissive position.

"I was in the 'Nam, dammit." He grunted as I worked out a kink in his back. "I didn't have time to sleep." Apparently the Vietnam vet enjoys a good back massage from time to time. And he was struggling to stay awake at the moment.

"Dusk, if you're that tired, I don't mind of you fall asleep on me." I said. "Contrary to popular belief, soldiers DO need to sleep once in a while. If you do, I'll move you over to a corner and put a 'do not disturb' sign on your face." Not even five seconds later and he was passed out.

"Guy was really tense on the way back from the Empire..." I muttered to myself and worked a little less hard now that I didn't want to wake him up. From what I gathered, he didn't even much over the few weeks of being here.

'We have another customer.' Dune told me as I worked on the man's legs.

"Where's Mark?" Lyra asked, causing me to look up.

"Sup?" I casually asked. Lyra looked at me for a few moments, before shrugging and taking another bed.

"Duffy was looking for you." Lyra informed me as she lied down. "Said something about a ship appearing in the big lake."

"I'll go check it out on my lunch break, then." I said, finishing up with Dusk and hopping over to Lyra. "How do you want your massage this week?"

"Just work on my back, please." She said, shifting a little. "I'm on a tight schedule and I can't afford to have a full massage."

"New gig?" I questioned as I started rubbing my hooves into her flesh.

"Yeah~" She moaned, already turning into putty underneath me.

"Think you could get me and Apple a ticket?" I asked. "I know she hasn't been able to hear any music besides what's on my iPod and I've been wanting to listen to yours."

"I'll see if I can work out something..." She softly said, melting into a puddle.

While Ponyville has quite a few lakes within its district, only one is large enough to float a ship of any size in. The lake in question is fed by the runoff from Ponyville's one and only hydro-electric dam. Yup, you heard that correctly, the ponies have green power. But no fucking television...

Anyhow, 15 minutes later I found myself trotting up to Saddle Lake and a ship, much like the Black Pearl, lying at anchor. "So, what're we looking at?" I asked as a small group of humans and ponies stood on the shore of the lake.

"A sailing ship from before the American Revolution, by the looks of it." Duffy answered as he passed me a pair of binoculars to look through, which I almost dropped. Fucking hooves! Using my magic I focused on the ship and almost chuckled at the name emblazoned on its stern; the Sally Forth.

"...We need to get rid of the ship's crew." I softly said as I observed the swarthy looking crew members milling about in confusion. They weren't the crew of a colony ship or even a British/French/Spanish ship; they were pirates… it was the skull and crossbones flag that tipped me off.

"LAWs?" Bill asked as he stepped up next to me. I shook my head as I took another look at the ship.

She must have been in battle before being poofed here; there were several holes along her side from incoming cannon fire and she was listing slightly to port. Add in that one of her three masts was severed halfway up its length and that rigging was scattered all over the deck… and you had one sorry looking ship.

"They might have cargo we humans can use, and I know Celestia would be interested in the ship itself." And where there are pirates… there's booze!

"Sub-machine guns, carbines, and shotguns, then." Duran grunted. Cheerilee decided it would be a good idea (and it might've been if it were a different crew) to bring the kids on a surprise field trip.

"Get Nutcracker's squad and tell them to meet me here in ten, dressed to impress." I said, before going over to the teacher.

"Where's the ship from?" Cheerilee asked me as I got close enough.

"I'm not too savvy on ship models, but I know for a fact that the ship's crewed by pirates." I said, shock flashing across her face. "I'm gonna end up having to 'take care' of them, so get the kids out of here." I whispered. Cheerilee gulped a little, but nodded.

"Alright class, it's time to get going!" She called out, getting a chorus of disappointment in reply. "Mark said it's not safe, so he's making sure we don't get hurt." Great, tell them that while the CMCs are there. Apple lingered behind, but I told her to go with the others.

"You rang?" Gunney did a good impression of Lerch as the squad came up next to me.

"As of right now, you're Raptor squad." I said, before looking at them. "How many ops have you run on a ship?"

"One or two." Nutcracker answered, tapping the butt of his SCAR-H. "Why do you ask?"

"Bill, Schmidt, and you four are gonna take the ship out in the middle of the lake." I said, looking back out over the water. "If there're any prisoners, cut them loose or mercy kill them if they can't be saved."

"How many are we looking at?" Chief questioned.

"Anywhere between twenty to a hundred pirates." I answered. They nodded and stood there for a moment, before Schmidt came up.

"Ready to assault a ship, Mark." He said with a salute. I grinned and went to the water's edge.

"This will be an amphibious assault." I told the six of them, Bill having joined a second or two ago. "The objective is roughly two hundred meters out into the lake, so it won't be that bad of a trip. I do, however, have civilian confirmation that there is... something, in the water, so be careful."

"What type of 'something', are we talking about?" Ash asked.

"Giant squid or something," I shrugged. "It chased the girls away, but I don't know for certain if it will actually attempt to eat you or not. Beyond the squid, this will be a simple hit and run operation, so I expect you all to be done within an hour, tops."

"Stick with your diving buddy after you select them. Any questions?" I finished, stopping my pacing and turning to them.

"None, sir!" They chorused. I smiled a little and nodded.

"Then get moving, soldiers!" I barked out, suddenly deadly serious. Their training kicked in and they sprinted past me and into the water in groups of two, getting about ten feet past the shore by the time I turned around.

[Bill]

I had full faith in the fact that my helmet would keep me supplied with air for half an hour, but even with all my training in the new armor, I still had a lingering doubt in the back of my head when I went underwater. Next to me, I could tell Schmidt was thinking the same thing.

"Man's world is above the waves," he said over the radio. "He should never venture beneath its surface."

"Something tells me you don't like the water, Schmidt." Gunney said. "To be honest, I feel the same."

"I was stationed on a U-boat for a brief time and barely survived a depth-charge attack…" the German growled. "I have hated being underwater ever since."

"Wow, sorry to hear that."

"So what keeps you from panicking Gunny?" I questioned her, more for the benefit of Schmidt.

"Knowing that my squad mates have my back." She answered. "You should know the same, Schmidt. Even if it doesn't seem so, everyone has your back. Even those you were fighting."

"...Right." He sighed, shaking his head and activating the underwater flashlight on his helmet.

The others proceeded to do the same and we continued forward.

We arrived under the hull of the ship, near the anchor, with no sign of the super squid or whatever it was. I completely doubted its existence, but weirder shit's appeared in Ponyville… like a C5 Galaxy falling from the sky, tanks from two different eras rumbling about, and we humans just to name a few.

"We breach the hull?" Clockwork questioned.

"Negative," I shook my head. "Mark wants the cargo, and our bullets won't kill them if they're in the water, unless we get right up on them." I answered, grabbing Schmidt. "Surface slowly; you don't want to get the bends."

"These suits are pressurized, Bill." Chief pointed out. I just stared at him, causing him to sigh.

"What are the bends?" Schmidt asked me on a private channel. I switched over to it as we slowly kicked towards the surface, about 70 yards above us.

"The Bends are when a diver surfaces too quickly." I told him. "The pressurized air in their blood expands and cripples or kills them in seconds."

"That is why I think humans should stay on land." Schmidt muttered.

I was not gonna tell him to suck it the fuck up like my instructors told one trainee in my class. I'm not a sadist, dammit.

"Clockwork, on me and Schmidt. We'll take starboard." I muttered. "Gunney, Chief, and Nutcracker, you assault on the port. From what I saw earlier, there are wooden rungs running up her side amid-ship, use them."

"Got it." They replied, a figure swimming over to us as we hit the hull and used it to our advantage. We swiftly ascended to the surface and started climbing up as quietly as possible. "We're in position." Nutcracker told me right after I settled in.

"Over in five." I muttered, before counting down as we climbed up the side. "Breach!" I said, flinging myself over the top and drop kicking a pirate in the chest. My ODST armor, weighing in at two hundred pounds, but enchanted to feel like five pounds (to me), caved in his rib cage with an audible crack. Schmidt and Clockwork took care of the nearest ones, MP-40 and P226s in hand.

"Alarm!" one of the cut-throats screamed, but Schmidt silenced him with a single shot to the head.

"Kill the treacherous water daemons!" The captain roared from his place at the helm. About twenty flintlock pistols and rifles fired, three impacting my chest and one ricocheting off of my visor. The armor stayed intact, the damage inflicted by 'shot' that had the same kick as a .45 caliber… or something around that size.

"Returning fire!" Nutcracker called out, dual wielding his SCAR and an M1911 for some reason. I took a moment to glance at Gunney and Schmidt, who looked back at me and gave a shrug.

"Flashbangs." I commanded, causing their hands to go to their grenade pouches. "3, 2, 1, bang 'em!" Schmidt and Gunney pulled the pins and let them fly, while the rest of us needlessly covered them. We didn't even look away as they exploded, our helmets dulling the noise and visors flaring to almost complete black for a split second.

"What sorcery is this?!" A pirate shouted before my boot met skull.

"I am slave to Armok, and he requires human blood to appease him and all of dwarf kind!" I shouted, mostly to unnerve them more than what we've already done. "Blood for Armok!"

"Well, I thought I was the only one here who've played Dwarf Fortress." Mark commented.

"See if you can get a copy of Anon's computer, I believe he has it on there." I muttered to him.

"Why the hell are we talking about the Nintendo hard game? You're supposed to be killing pirates." Mark sighed, probably shaking his head. "Get back to work, Bill." I couldn't reply, as he cut the connection.

[Mark]

"Get back to work Bill." I said before reaching up and turning off my radio. With a sigh I retracted the dark visor and watched the presiding, while I was proud of how efficient my men were, I also felt sorry for the ludicrously out matched pirates.

"Is this slaughter absolutely necessary, Ms. Dune?" An all too familiar voice asked from behind me.

"I'm afraid it is Celestia," I slowly turned and regarded the Sun Princess. "While some pirates from the 17th century were people who were down on their luck or escapees from the white slave trade of 1659, most were hardened criminals." I could tell that these were the latter.

"So you are purging this ship's crew…"

"To protect Ponyville and all of Equestria, yes." I answered as I glanced up at her. "I couldn't take any chances."

"And what do you plan to do about with the ones who make it to shore," she wondered, her head tilted slightly to one side.

"Shore?" Turning my eyes back to the ship, I did indeed find that several of the pirates, upon seeing the futility of fighting the armored monsters, were jumping ship. "… Crap…"

"Mind if I call in some help?" Sunbutt asked as she stepped up to the edge of the lake.

"If they can get here before the pirates can…"

"Callie, I could use your help with a bit of a problem," Celestia cut me off, her horn glowing brightly as she carried on a conversation with someone. "As you can tell, there is a ship in your lake and it's filled with very bad creatures… The ones in armor are part of my military, but the others are not," she paused for a moment to listen to something before continuing. "I release you from your oath for the next two hours… yes… Then I wish you good hunting my friend."

"Who or what is Callie…" I started to ask when a high-pitched scream drew my attention back to the galleon and the purple tentacles now climbing up the stern of the ship.

"Callie Mari," Sunbutt clarified as she watched the swimming pirates disappear one by one, pulled under by the unseen monster. "She is a giant freshwater octopus and an old friend of mine."

"Um, Celestia, I thought you weren't into killing?" I asked as I watched the tentacles attacking the pirates.

"No, I'm not into senseless murder," she shook her head. "But i'm not against nature, Callie is a predator by nature... I'm just letting her hunt her fill."

"That's a purty big loophole you're driving your shit through," I had to point out.

"And you're going to complain?"

"Nope, just making sure we are both on the same page," I smiled, before something came to mind. "Callie Mari… Callie… oh shit," I face hoofed as the name clicked. "Calamari… what is it with you ponies and fucked up names?"

Celestia could only shrug as chaos erupted on the galleon. "You may wish to inform your strike force to not hurt her, or she will retaliate."

"Bill," I called out as I switched my radio back on.

"Holy Christ," was the response I got. "I thought Mark was only kidding about lake monsters!"

"Bill, what ever you do, do not, repeat, do not shoot at the tentacles!"

"Why the hell not?!"

"She is on our side and a friend of Sunbutt's," I then quickly filled him in on who Callie was.

"Ok, ok, so the tentacles are friendly," he sighed, probably not believing his own eyes at the moment. "You heard the General, drive the pirates back towards the rear of the ship!"

After an hour of watching our own version of Pirates of the Caribbean, wherein the Kraken was the good guy, Raptor team had finally cleared the ship and had called me in to supervise cleanup… which mostly consisted of tossing the bodies overboard to an ecstatically happy octopus monster who had already eaten a large number of the crew and was now stashing the rest in her cave somewhere below for later.

Part of the oath Callie took in order to live peacefully in Saddle lake, was that she wouldn't eat any of Celestia's ponies. So the fact that Celestia had let her pig out on human meat for a short time had really made the predator's day… or year… whatever.

As for Celestia herself, she gave us all the time we needed to get what we wanted off the ship, but to expect a team from the Pony Core of Engineers by noon tomorrow. So, pretty much get what the fuck we want and the ponies will be the buzzards.

"So what did the Sun Princess say she was going to do with this thing?" Gunny asked as she gathered up the flintlocks, making a pile of pirate weapons in the middle of the deck.

"Something about maybe turning it into a sky-ship," I said while looking over a beautiful black-powder dueling pistol that had belonged to the galleon's captain. "Has anyone found the cargo manifest yet?"

"I think Schmidt was handling that one," Nutcracker responded after heaving the last of the bodies overboard.

"I think I found it," the ex-SS officer announced as he climbed up from below decks, a ledger held in one hand and Bill following closely behind.

"Any treasure listed in that thing?" Gunny was the first to ask.

"If you're asking about Pirate Gold, then no," Bill shook his head. "But there are other treasures than just gold."

"And what might that be," she shot back.

"My dear Mister Helmut, if you would read off the manifest," Bill turned to the man.

With a shrug Schmidt began to read off the cargo manifest.

Sally Fourth's Cargo Manifest:
17 barrels of heavily salted beef (100 lbs each)
20 barrels of salted pork (100 lbs each)
12 half barrels of straight salt (50 lbs each)
14 half barrels of flower (50 lbs each)
14 half barrels of sugar (50 lbs each)
50 casks of Irish beer (5 gallons each)
225 bottles of sugar cane rum (around 2 quarts each)
160 bottles empty
20 bolts of silk (25 lbs each)
30 hog's heads…

"30 hog's heads?" I questioned.

"30 coffin sized bundles wrapped in waterproofed canvas," Schmidt clarified. "They may be labeled Hog's Heads but that's not what they contain."

"So what do they contain?"

"Dry-pressed tobacco," Bill flashed me a wicked grin. "Around 500 pounds each…"

"Holy fuck!" I suddenly couldn't breathe.

"But… but that's over 7 tons of tobacco," Gunny gasped out in surprise.

"Not all pirates went after gold and jewels," Bill was still grinning like a madman. "Sugar, salt, textiles, and tobacco fetched a hefty sum on the black market."

"Holy fucking shit!" I was whispering to myself. 'YES, THANK YOU ARMOK!'

"Well that's strange…"

The sudden comment snapped me back to reality and found our favorite hyper pink pony straddling my back. "And what pray tell, do you find strange dear Pinkie?"

"All that stuff you listed off adds up to roughly 11 tons of cargo," she said as she slipped to the deck.

"And?"

"Well, this ship is a medium 16th century Spanish Galleon with a cargo capacity of 500 tons," she stated as she trotted over to one of the ship's canons and began to lovingly pet it. "Now you take away the weight of her 24 pounder long guns here, all 32 of them weighing in at 2 tons each and…"

"Pinkie, if you would just get to the point, I'll let you have one…" I wasn't really in the mood to argue and already knew what she was after.

"You Pinkie promise?"

"For the love of god Mark, you wouldn't dare," Bill looked stricken.

Ignoring his protest I nodded to the pink wonder. "Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." The next thing I knew I was having the stuffing squeezed out of my ass as Pinkie bear hugged me chanting "Oh thankyouthankyouthankyou!"

"Ok if you add up what's on the cargo manifest, the 32 cannons, the powder and balls to fire each say 8 times, you rang in at under 200 tons," she stated while unlashing her choice in cannons from its moorings.

"So," I pressed.

"This ship is riding at her high water line," she wiggled her eyebrows at me as she pocketed the long-gun… no really, she picked up the 2 ton cannon and slipped it into her magic pocket, it was gone just like that. "So my point is, where is the other 300 tons hiding and what is it?"

"Well fuck me," Bill breathed in astonishment.

"She has a point," Schmidt nodded.

And she did, after searching the Sally Forth from stem to stern; we discovered that her entire bilge was filled with gold… lots and lots of it. But the irony was we were now living in a world where Silver is king and a gold coin might buy you an apple.

Mother. Fucker!

Tanks!

"I brought in another tank, Mark." Was the first thing that I heard out of Dawn's mic, causing me to sigh.

"Where?" I asked, standing outside the library.

"East edge of Ponyville. Came from WWII, and it had '205' written on the side in German." My blood didn't go cold, it froze.

"Dawn, I will hurt you later." I dropped the books I was carrying and fucking booked it right then and there, confusing the fuck out of Apple. Mugs clung to my shoulder guard like it was a life preserver. My helmet automatically set a waypoint as I ran as fast as I could, Gallan and Schmidt following after me in confusion. Both of them were in their WWII uniforms, unfortunately.

"Gallan, don't follow, you'll just get an 88mm shell to the life!" I shouted, causing him to skid to a stop. Schmidt probably knew what I was talking about.

"Please tell me I'm wrong by saying there's a certain tank ahead..." Schmidt groaned. I shook my head. "VERDAMMT!"

"Let's pray that he's reasonable." I sighed, passing past Ditzy, who merely pointed a hoof to where I needed to go.

[Outskirts]

"Tiger tank '205' is in sight." Schmidt muttered, crawling backwards to my position behind a low wall. "Should I go out there?"

"Negative." I whispered. "They may be trigger happy and think you're an Allied soldier dressed up like a Nazi. I'll go."

"You'll get shot!" He hissed.

"I have better armor, and I do not want to pull rank goddammit. Brigadier General is higher ranking than squad leader." I hissed back, getting to my knees and peeking over the top. The tank just idled there, as if there was nothing wrong with the world. I set Mugs on the ground and crouch walked to the edge, before getting up and walking carefully. I knew Schmidt was where I just was, Karbiner 98k pointing at the tank as if it would do squat.

"Hello?" I called out when I was a few yards from the tank, but getting no response. Which confused the hell out of me. "Anybody in there?" I waited a minute before sighing and pulling myself up. "Don't shoot! Friendly." I said as I pushed the barrel of an MG42 (I will squee later) away from my face.

I hefted the hatch open and did not get the expected barrel of a Luger pointed at me. Frowning, I lowered myself in and looked around. Nobody, but there was definite signs of people being in here before appearing.

"What the hell?" I muttered, looking through the stuff for a bit, getting inventory. 50 88mm shells, twenty belts of ammo for the MG42, five MP40s, and 1 StG-44 with 7 mags for each gun. But no Nazi troops.

"Is it safe?" Schmidt called out from a yard away from the chassis. I stuck my head out of the turret.

"Not a soul in here, except for me." I said, dropping back down and cracking my knuckles. "Now, I gotta remember how to drive these bastards..." Schmidt joined me by the time I recalled the lessons, sending the Tiger tank lurching forward with a small whoop. Not too different than driving Athena, fortunately.

"What." Moore stood dumbfounded as I pulled to a stop in front of him. Without shouting anything, I got Schmidt to lower the cannon, causing him to scramble to cover.

"Ha!" Schmidt laughed as he popped up, before pulling himself out of the tank. After I made sure I couldn't run the Kraut over, I continued off towards my destination.

Another third of the way there, Duffy and a few of the others stopped me and Pinks, who got in through her special magnets.

"Load up the special shells and aim at them!" I called back to Pinkie, who saluted with a wide grin.

"Aye aye, tank commander!" She chirped, before opening the hatch and shoving a 88mm shell with a pink tip. After she secured the barrel, she stuck her face into the sights and did her best to aim something with human technology.

"Uh, should we get out of the way?" I heard Duran ask.

"The armor will protect us from the 70mm shells that thing can fire off." Duffy answered, crossing his arms.

"Uh, that particular tank can fire off 88mm shells, Duffy." Hill imputed. "Everyone in the Allies who fought the front lines, including Athena, feared that Tiger Tank 205 was going up against them, not only of the shells, but of the crew itself." Duffy looked a lot less sure, now.

Time to act.

"FIRE!" I yelled out enough in German (and sounded a lot like a Nazi) for them to hear, causing Pinkie to release hell on earth at them.

Confetti.

I did not know how Pinkie managed to make a 88mm confetti shell, but when I saw it after stopping the second time, I did not question it. I merely acted like a good soldier. Out of nowhere, a loud ass thump came at the edge of the town, and I turned the tank around as quickly as possible to see what made it. A second later, a tremor shook the tank and the people behind me fell to the ground.

"What the hell?!" I muttered, hoping that the shaking didn't break the tank; I wanted this sumbitch so bad. When the tremors stopped, I carefully rotated the rest of the way and stared at what was sitting in the field.

The P1000 'Ratte'.

"That's impossible..." I muttered, opening the hatch and climbing out. Pinks popped up next to me as I slid onto the ground.

"What is that thing, Mark?" She asked in confusion. Understandable; thing was about as big as the C-5.

"Something that was never built..." I muttered in awe. "What the hell is it doing here?"

"What's going on?" Ditzy asked as she clumsily landed next to me.

"A masterpiece of Nazi engineering." I said as I started walking over to the Landkreuzer. "Never built, and it was designed to withstand almost anything the Allies could throw at it, save for coastal batteries."

"Are those barrels off of a ship?" Blake asked as he jogged up to me.

"Yep." I said. "Twin 280mm cannons. Armor's anywhere from 150mm to 360mm thick; almost 15 inches."

"Goddamn." Blake took his helmet off and rubbed his chin. "Any idea why it's here?"

"The project to build the P1000 was cancelled in 1943, before they could begin construction." I shook my head. "Right now, the only way I'd need to have to change my skivvies is if the P1500 'Monster' appeared."

"Bigger than this?" Blake asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Way bigger. Over a hundred Nazis were going to have to crew that bastard, and a single shell was bigger than a T-34 Soviet medium tank."

"How big?"

"800mm." I said. "Super-Heavy artillery, in more than one way. Thing was 1,500 tons."

"Jesus..." Blake rubbed his face a little bit. "What're we gonna do with this?" It took me a moment to come up with an answer.

"Destroy it." I finally said. "We have no use for this, and it's way too big for conventional use."

"What're we gonna use?" He asked as I turned around and went back to my tank. I don't care what anybody says, this is my tank. I shall name him Jerry, and many an enemy will be run the fuck over by Jerry.

"Get creative!" Was my reply before I slid down the hatch and started off for the farm.

What the fu- (1)

"What the fuck did I drink last night?" I groaned, not wanting to open my eyes. I know for a fact that I didn't get shitfaced, so I didn't understand why I was feeling like I just got raped in more ways than one. All I could tell from my surroundings was that I was in the Everfree Forest without my armour, and I wanted out.

'Right, time to go.' I thought, slowly getting to my feet. Feeling a weight on my chest, I looked down to discover that I was wearing standard Marine equipment, complete with M4 strapped across my chest.

"The fuck?" I muttered, before shaking my head and sliding a pair of aviators over my eyes. "Never mind, magic." I set forth at a jog, after figuring out my location.

I was near Froggy Bottom Bog, and I did not want to stick around for the hydra to find me.

[Orchard]

"That's odd." I went prone and looked down the scope of my carbine at a stallion that looked a lot like an orange Big Macintosh. In fact, the more I looked, the more I was confused as shit. Then a woman who I've never seen before started helping him.

"Fucking..." I sighed and planted my face into the ground. A few times. Very hard. At least it wasn't against th.

The minor pain told me that I wasn't dreaming, so I slowly got to my feet and made sure I put the carbine on safe. "Might as well see if I can get the fuck out of this Rule 63 universe and back to mine..."

I took a moment to spy on my other, female self by hiding up in an apple tree. Of course, that damn tree was the next one in line for having the crap kicked out of it.

"Ya'll got dem buckets set up, Mary?" The colt-AJ questioned.

Well, my mother wanted to name me Mary if I turned out to be a girl...

"Yeppers, AJ." She replied, stepping back for AJ to kick the tree. I was barely able to hang on, unlike the apples around me, as the tree shook like a bitch. "Wait, what's that?" Goddammit a magazine slipped out of a pocket.

'You traitor.' I silently hissed at the offending 30 round magazine as 'Mary' looked up.

"Who are you?" She questioned, narrowing her eyes at me. I had half of a mind to yell out that the police was coming and bolt off like a true nigger, but I settled in on something different.

"The Doctor." I lied my ass off.

"Bullshit, she's in town as we speak." She immediately said. I chuckled a bit and jumped down.

"The other Doctor." I replied, inspecting my fingernails. "The one who isn't afraid of taking a life if he needs to." Realization dawned upon my woman self. If she truely was me, she would understand that as few people were to know as possible.

"So, what's your name?" She asked, holding out her hand. "And rank?"

"Brigadeführer un Generalmajor Mark Durnkinscoff." I said with a glance to AJ. "USMC."

"I take it you speak German as well?" She questioned. At my nod, she smiled a little. "I haven't really taught AJ the Fatherland's voice yet, so we can talk about sensitive matters in it."

"Quick question."I said as she led me away from the stallion with a small apology. "Is Hitler female?"

"Rule 63'd universe?" She questioned.

"He was a man named Adolf Hitler. If I guess correctly, he wanted to exterminate the Jewish people in yours." I answered.

"Her name was Elizabeth Hitler."

"Eh, I'd think he would be more of a Delilah or something." I shrugged and looked down at myself. "This isn't my uniform, by the way. You get ODST-like armour yet?"

"Yeah, but I don't use it on the farm." I nodded and looked around. To me, the landscape looked alien, while she saw home.

"What are the rulers' names?" I questioned as the two of us ate lunch in the kitchen with Papa Smith cooking for the rest of them.

"Prince Sol, Prince Lunar, Prince Shadow, and Princess Dawn, though she changes genders on a whim." Mary answered. I trusted Granny (or Papa in this case) Smith with a lot of things, so we were speaking in English.

"Celestia, Luna, Nightmare, Dawn." I scratched my shoulder. "Dawn changes genders as well."

"An' how is mah oth'r self?" Papa questioned.

"Kind, smart, patient, and can make a damn good pie." And then I got slapped across the back by a rolling pin. "And just as good as hitting." I added with a small wince.

"You should have known better."

"So, WWII was pretty much like mine except the soldiers were female."

"Yep."

"And until the fifties, men were treated like they were incapable of complete, rational thought."

"Correct."

"By Armok, I feel dirty." I muttered.

"Just stop bitching and keep digging, I'm putting the nobles under the drawbridge." Mary answered with a grin. We both chuckled and continued heading to the clocktower.

"What?" Was the first thing that came out of the Doctor's mouth. Before either of us could speak, we were dragged into the building. "You lot are exactly the same! Well, aside from the difference in genders, but your genetic makeup is completely identical!"

"Check for void stuff." James (Jenny) offered. The Doctor pulled out her 3D glasses and looked through them.

"You're bloody soaked in the stuff!" She declared. "Where are you from, lad?"

"Different universe." I answered. "Everyone's gender has been switched, for me."

"How'd you get here..." She muttered, rubbing her chin with a hoof. "Alternate universes aren't able to be breeched anymore."

"That's what I'm hoping to find out." I answered. "All I remember is eating buzz boar and falling asleep in bed several hours later." I helpfully added.

"Well, your universe is a day ahead of ours." Mary said. "o'Drake and Duffy should be returning momentarily. Would you like to try and recreate the event?" It was risky as shit.

"It's our best choice..." Doctor mused. "The TARDIS won't breech the void anymore, so merely dropping you off is out."

"Alrighty then." I said, but looked at my female counterpart. "I'll have to sleep with you and AJ tonight, though."

"If I didn't understand the situation, I would hurt you." With that, we bid farewell.

"Fresh meat?" o'Drake questioned as we helped her and Duffy move tables.

"Something like that." Mary answered. Duffy looked at my uniform.

"What's your rank?" She asked, as it didn't have anything on them.

"Brigadier General Mark Smitherns." I answered. "Don't know why I appeared in infantry clothes, as I was poisoned while wearing civilian clothing."

"What killed you?" Doc asked, arriving with male Fluttershy in tow.

"Cyanide in my scotch." I answered. "Who're you two?"

"I'm Iris Thompson and this is Timid Flurry." The pegasus muttered a hello. "I'm the medical officer for this lot."

"Pleasure to meet you, ma'am." I held out my hand.

"Call me Iris, or Doc." She answered my hand with a shake.

"Then call me Mark." I said with a grin.

Lemme tell you, getting tackled by a woman in titanium armour wearing nothing but a set of BDUs hurts like a bitch. I didn't complain, and when Boor hit me again, I stood still long enough to pass the ball to Jenny (Jeremy).

"Food's ready!" Doc shouted as I massaged my ribs, certain they were at least bruised. I had already written down what went on, as it was pretty much a repeat of last night's conversation.

"Er, why does he have'ta sleep with us again?" AJ questioned as we stood around in his bedroom.

"Because I'm Mary, or an alternate version of her." I sighed, knowing I couldn't lie to him. "The Doctor and I pretty much drew up a plan to get me back to my universe."

"Ah'll pretend to know what yer talkin' about an' go along with it, Ah guess." He finally said, before jumping on the bed. Mary and I awkwardly joined, me on the outermost side.

"...Just don't start having sex." I said, before closing my eyes. I got a punch to the shoulder for that.

The next morning, I woke up being spooned by a very muscled Applejack... and one of his muscles was poking me in the back.

"Goddammit." I growled.

What the Fu- (2)

As soon as I felt the morning wood, I knew it was time to nope out of there. And so I did.

Probably why I almost plowed into a changeling on the way downstairs.

"I should be back home..." I muttered, hastily giving Apple an apology. "Christ why am I still here?" I ended up in the kitchen, startling Papa Smith.

"...We hav' a problem." He finally said, looking at Apple. "Go an' wake the oth'rs up an' let 'em know what's goin' on."

"Aye, sir." He said with a salute, before flying upstairs. I just took a seat at the table, shaking like a crackhead when he gets high.

"It'll be fine an' ya know it, Mark." Papa said as he continued making fritters or something.

"Ah don' want ta be stuck here, no 'fence." I sighed.

Fun and useless fact; when I get really scared/agitated like I am now, I speak like I truely am; a Southerner.

"Non' tak'n." He replied as Mary came bounding down the staircase with a toothbrush lodged in between her lips.

"Muh thurks hurpnd?" She paused for a second to spit into the void. "The fuck's happened?" Then she saw me. "Shite."

"Yup..." I sighed, looking into an empty mug. "Didn' work, an' Ah woke up wit' uh certain muscle of AJ's pressin' up agains' mah low'r spine." Mary winced.

"You're that scared, huh?" She said, sitting down across from me and placing a hand over mine. "Don't worry, we'll figure out a way to get you back."

"An' if y'all don't?" I snapped. "No offence to y'all, but Ah think mah chances of gettin' back to mah universe is kinda slim, don'tcha think?"

"No need to be goddamn cynical." She said, but we both knew we were thinking of other, more drastic things.

"What's going on?" James (Judy) questioned, coming down with Applespice in his grip. "And who's this guy?"

"..." Mary sighed.

"Migh' as well tell 'em." I muttered, flicking at a crumb.

"This is Mark... Myself from an alternate universe." Mary said. "One where everyone's genders have changed."

"Prove it." James said.

"Tah bed in yer room has an M9 embed'd in tah matress, on mah request." I stated. "Mah bed has uh M4 taped to tah underside. Ah almost used it on the Element of Loyalty when Ah had uh nightmare inflicted by chaos magics."

"Right then." James took a seat next to Mary. "What's the plan?"

"Get to Sol and figure out how to send Mark back." Mary said. "If anyone would know how to send him back, it'll be him."

'Or Faust.' I silently added.

"Until then, Ah'm gonna need uh weapon an' some armour." I said. "Y'all got any lyin' 'round?"

"Sorry, but we custom build the armour. You should know this." Mary answered, rubbing her chin. "Though we could order some for ya. Standard?"

"Sam'rai." I said after a moment. "Ah'd like uh sword fer it tah be more acc'rat'."

"Right." She nodded and looked at James, who was just blinking in complete confusion. "Christ, you've been here how long and you still can't understand Southern?"

"I was raised in the North!" He exclaimed. "I had no need to learn Southern!"

"Ah learn'd North'rn mahself, considerin' Ah was tah only South'rner in mah entire unit!" I shot back, pointing at him. "Ah know y'all, an' Ah'm watchin' ya closely." That got Mary to chuckle, at least.

"Getting over it, which is good." She sighed, standing up. "Right, let's go get your armour and weapon created, shall we?" I got up as well with a fritter in my mouth, passing Red Delicious (Odd name for a fem!Big Mac, but whatev's) on the way out. Apple followed behind me.

"Alright, I think I can make this..." Elusive muttered, looking at the Samurai armour I drew up on the way here. I can't cook worth a shit, but I sure as hell can draw something if I motivate myself to. "But I need to know what types of materials this contains."

"Well, it contains leather, some dyed silk, and the helmet has some metal." I answered. I had calmed down by now, so my 'Northerner' had come out again.

"We have leather at Reach, so you won't need to import it." Mary quickly added. "The body, arm, and leg armour is simple, but it's the helmet that's hard to make."

"How long will it take for me to complete the helmet?" Elusive asked, looking closer at the helmet's drawing. I had opted to not get the daemon mask, but that's because, to a non-human, a gas mask was creepy enough. Looked like a fucking insect thing with it on.

"Two, maybe three days." Mary answered. "Depends on how slowly you work at it. Don't, for the love of Armok, rush it."

"You rush the thing, I could get seriously injured in a fight while wearing it." I said. Elusive gulped, but nodded a little.

"Right, then." He turned to Mary. "When can I expect the leather?"

"As soon as Hannah goes and gets it." Mary said, meaning Blake. Eh.

"We'll come back in a couple of days." I said with a short bow. Elusive chuckled, before turning back to his work.

"Where to next?" Mary asked me as we stepped outside.

"Canterlot." I muttered, using my hand to block out the sun so I could see the mountain in the distance. "Let's get going."

"Right behind you." She replied, shifting the armour on her shoulders.

"What're you going to Canterlot for?" I asked AJ, who was fidgeting with the straps to his saddlebag.

"Ah gotta see if'n them fancy fellers'll buy our apples." He answered. "Papa asked me ta, an' Ah don' want ta disappoint him."

'Well, this just got more interesting...' I thought.

What the Fu- (3)

"Looks like the same old shit as usual." I stated before cracking my neck. "Lead the way."

"We're going to the armorer before we hit the throne room." Mary informed me and AJ as we strolled down the streets. "Knowing myself, if I wanted Samurai armour, I'd get a katana or wakizashi."

"And we have an all magical beating stick to make the katana." I added. "And since the wakizashi doesn't need to be created the same way as a katana, it'll be the better choice for me to get made."

"Considering it takes a lot of time to make a true katana." Mary muttered.

"Right-o, then." I called out, walking a little faster. Mary rolled her eyes and followed after me.

"Ah'll meet up with y'all at tah Castle." AJ said before trotting off in another direction.

"How long should it take you to make this?" I questioned the sword-smith. She hmm'd for a second.

"Roughly twenty four hours, max." She answered, looking at a metal ingot. "You're lucky you came to me at a time where I didn't have any orders for a while. Come back tomorrow and I'll see if it's done."

"Alright. We'll leave you to it, then." We turned to go, but I felt a metal rod poke my back.

"I'll have to make sure he's capable of using a sword, first." She said, lifting a blade in her magical grip. "Catch." I easily caught it and spun it around a few times in my grip. To them it was a sword, to me it was a machete.

"Easier than a katana." I muttered. "What do you want me to do?"

"Use it on that pole." She said, pointing to a wooden pole sticking from the ground. When I walked over, it started moving a little bit.

"Hm." I poked it, and it swayed as if it were living. So I assumed a combat stance and waited until it came closer.

I punched it before whirling around and sinking it into the hilt where a gut would be on a human.

"Rule one of any weapon; if you don't need to use it, don't use the damn thing." I said as it swayed. "Rule two; if you have the weapon, make sure you know how to use it. To me, this 'sword' is just a big knife." I pulled it out and flipped it before throwing it, sinking it into the wall. "Goddamn, I've weilded machetes that weighed more than that thing."

"Good job." The mare nodded and picked up the metal she was looking at earlier with her magic. "I'll see you two in the morning."

"That was easy." I muttered as we walked out and headed towards the palace.

"The hell?" Dawn swooped down and landed in front of us. "I don't remember bringing you here."

"That's because you didn't." I poked her nose and kept walking. "Somehow I brought myself here."

"You can't use magic, so how the hell did you get here?" She asked, trotting alongside me.

"No idea." I shrugged. "Passed from my universe and into yours. I'm her." I jabbed my thumb at Mary. "Just as Anonymous is, if that's still her name."

"Yep." Mary confirmed. Dawn paused, before sighing and continuing her walk.

"Filthy commoners, the lot of you." I heard Bluebell (guess, I dare you) spit at me as she walked past in a huff. She was lucky that she didn't say it loud enough for Dawn or Mary to hear.

"Yeah, about sums us humans up." I said loud enough for her to pause. "But remember, Sol, Lunar and Shadow are all very close to people who grew up on a farm. Can't speak for James, and whoever the pink Alicorn is found a Captain. And you're worth as much to me as a nigger's asshole."

Before she went out of earshot in a huff, I took a deep breath. "Твоя мать была хомяком и ваш отец пахло бузины, мудак!" I shouted, causing Mary to burst out laughing.

"Er, what'd Mark say?" Dawn blinked. "I'm not too good with Russian."

"Eh, it's something from Monty Python." Mary shrugged. "Don't worry your head about it, kid."

"I'm older than you." Dawn deadpanned.

"And? You act a lot younger than you are."

"Yeah yeah..." A death guard suddenly popped up out of nowhere and whispered in her ear, causing her to sigh. "I gotta get going. I'll talk to Sol about this if you don't, alright?" We nodded and she teleported away with the guard.

Mark and AJ stood in one of the palace's many nondescript hallways, waiting for Prince Sol to finish up a meeting with King Chris of the changelings. While waiting AJ had asked about his female self and the Apple family, which prompted him to tell the orange stallion about some of their exploits... including AJ's love of cuddling adorably with Sand Dune.

"Who the hell is Sand Dune?" Mary asked, suddenly confused. "Because I know Apple has the same name in your universe."

"My pony self," Mark stated while looking for someplace to sit, only to find that a padded bench had appeared out of nowhere, right behind him. "You know, the whole Poison Joke fiasco…"

"But…" Mary gave her head a shake, as if trying to clear out a bad memory. "But Zecora cured us… I mean, cured me of the Poison Joke."

"Wait," this time it was Mark's turn to shake his head as he flopped down on the bench. "Cured? You mean you can't shift back and forth whenever you like?"

"I…But…There's no way," she stuttered before giving out a groan. Taking a few steps away from the group, she finally turned and regarded her other self. "Ok, how do I do it?"

"Well, you just concentrate really hard…"

Mark was cut off as a soft light engulfed Mary and sure enough, where a human woman had been moments before, there stood a male version of Sand Dune. Like Dune, He was a unicorn, but unlike Dune, he was almost the size of Big Mac back home. "So what's his name?" Mark inquired.

"Sand Castel," the mini Clydesdale gave a frustrated snort. "Or just Castel for short."

"So you didn't know that the cursed joke plant bestowed a lycanthrope-like gift to any human it comes in contact with?"

"Say what now," AJ now looked totally lost.

"He means to say that I can, and always could, shift into Castel whenever I wished," the new stallion elaborated, his deep voice finally matching Mark's own.

"Wait just a tick," an idea suddenly flashed through Mark's mind. "So does that mean you haven't exposed the other humans to Poison Joke?"

"Why the hell would I do that?" Castel asked, yet the look in his counterpart's eyes brought forth a new question. "Wait, why would you do such a horrible thing?"

"Because I'm a dick!" Mark flashed them both a wicked smile. "... And that could be the reason I'm stuck here." Ideas started forming in the Marine's mind.

It was at that precise moment that a pained "…fuck me…" drew everyone's attention to the tall woman making her way up the hall. To Mark's disbelief, the woman looked almost like Celestia… except with blue eyes. Yet as she got closer he could see that the new person was in her yearly 20's, while old Sunbutt's human form looked to be in her late 30's.

"Royal Consort, how good to see you." AJ locked on the strawberry blond instantly, looking for any form of normality to cling to as his world slowly turned upside-down.

"Max?" Mark did a double take.

"Maxine," she corrected him. "Only the royal brothers and General Mary call me Max."

Mark was about to state who he was, when he noted the pained expression on her face. "Are you okay?"

"Sol rode me a little hard this morning and put me away wet," she gave a weary chuckle as she tried to, and failed to, pop her spine back into place. "Not that it's any business of yours."

"I work as a massusse back home, so in a way, it is my business." Mark pointed out. "If you like, I could help."

"I'll probably live to regret this, but okay…" She groaned, coming within arm's length of Mark.

Reaching out, Mark gently placed a flat hand on Maxine's chest, just below her neckline, and placed a fist that was missing a thumb in the small of her back. "Ready?" He asked and when she nodded he bowed her back slightly as he rolled his fist up her spine…

"Holy shit." Maxine gasped as several of her disks popped back into place.

"There, that should hold you for a while," he chuckled. "However, next time you might wish to insist on being on top."

"Yeah, I guess the human spine wasn't made to hold up 300 pounds of muscled pony prince…" She muttered, popping her neck.

"Eh, it depends on how fast said muscled pony prince moves." Mark said with a shrug. Mary just facepalmed. "Slow enough and you'll just be a little uncomfortable. Trust me, I would know that firsthand."

"Why the hell are you me?" Mary groaned. "I'm nowhere near as perverted as you are!"

"Hey, I practically lived off of the bowels of the internet!" Mark shot back with a grin. "You can't browse there and keep your non-pervertedness intact."

Now both Maxine and AJ were confused as shit.

From One Hell to Another

When I woke up again with a start, I had found myself in a ditch that ran along the side of the road that led to Fort Reach, adorned in the armor I had commissioned Elusive to make for me. I didn't recall visiting him to pick it up, or even going back to Ponyville. Slowly picking myself up, I looked around and wondered if I had made it home or if I was in another dimension of weird, like the Wasteland I had woken up in yesterday. The samurai armor definitely didn't ease my thoughts. It wasn't until I saw Blake and Schmidt run by, chasing down Pinkie Pie, that I could finally relax. If just a bit.

"Oh hey Mark!"

"Hallo, Pinkie." I nodded, greeting the pink wonder who had just popped up to my left.

"Hi'ya Mark!"

"I already said hello, Pinks." I looked to my right, giving off a sigh as I watched her bounce up and down.

Wait.

"Hey Mark! Where have you been for the last couple days?" Pinkie asked, poking her head out from a nearby tree. "Applejack has been worried sick!"

"Yeah!" The two at my sides chimed in with perfect unison. "Definitely worried sick."

I froze instantly as the hair on my neck began prickling like a motherfucker. To my right, there was a smiling Pinkie gazing up at me. To the left, Pinkie was nuzzling my hand, right on my thumb nub. And the one in the tree had dropped down and sat at my feet, her large blue eyes staring intensely up into mine.

"What the fuck."

Hoping for an answer, I took off jogging for town, the three duplicate mares easily hopping behind me. The sight that I came across upon reaching Ponyville had caused my blood to fucking run ice solid. Besides the usual gathering of brightly colored ponies with a few humans here and there, there were instead tons of Pinkies. Every single one of them playing, giggling, bouncing, and racing through the streets.

"Ho' leeeee-chit!" I let out a low whistle, wondering who was to blame for this clusterfuck.

After trying to wave someone down who was chasing, or being chased by, Pinkie, Mark finally let his temper get the best of him and he flat out decked the next human who ran past. Unfortunately for him, that was Duran.

"Oh fuck me..." He groaned as he rolled into a bit of a fetal position, clutching his chest. "What the fuck, man?"

"Howdy there Rick, nice running into you here." Mark flashed the guy a grin as he knelt down, lightly smacking his cheek to get him to focus.

"Mark?" Duran groaned, blinking in surprise. "Where the hell have you been? And what's with the armor?"

"Later, Rick." Mark let out a grunt, lifting up one of the Pinkies that was following him around. "What in the fuck happened to you guys while I was gone?" Duran let out a cough, before the two stood up, Mark unceremoniously dropping the clone to the ground.

"The same day you disappeared, the real Pinkie took a stroll to some mystic hidden lake in the Everfree and ended up cloning herself. As you can see, the cloning got a bit out of hand and multiplied... a lot."

"You guys haven't pulled out some guns and just shot them?"

"First, we don't know which one is the real Pinkie." Rick sighed, motioning towards a group of them. "Second, could you really shoot any Pinkie? Even if they're just a clone?" The fact that Mark went dead silent and didn't say no caused Duran to shiver. "Anyhow... We're not using guns because Twilight figured out a spell to get rid of the clones." Rolling his shoulders, he cracked his knuckles. "Right now we need to herd them all into the town hall."

"Is that all?" Mark ran his hands over his hair, frowning a bit. He realized that he needed to shave and get his hair cut sometime soon.

"Is that all?!" Duran exclaimed. "Have you ever tried to corral a hundred hyperactive ponies before?"

"Watch and learn, Duran." With a bit of a smirk, he leaned over and whispered something into the ear of the closest Pinkie Pie. A moment later and with a loud gasp, she sprung into the air and ran off screaming 'Pinkie Party at city hall!'. Within a minute, the hall was packed to the brim as every Pinkie in town rushed into it.

"No way... How the fuck?" Duran blinked in shock at the now deserted street.

"That's why I rate the stars on my shoulders." Mark slapped the Master Sergeant's shoulder, before turning and walking over to Twilight and her friends watching the pink hoard. "What's the plan, Sparkle?"

"Mark, honey!" AJ ran over and hugged him tightly, nearly bowling him over. "Where in the hay have you been!"

"Woke up in a couple different dimensions, no big deal." Mark casually answered, rubbing her head as she stared up at him in disbelief. Twilight's ears perked up as he answered.

"Another dimension? Would you mind if I ran a few tests on you once we're done here?" She questioned as she scrutinized the man.

"Fuck you Twi, I'm not a lab rat." Snorting, Mark gestured to the hoard. "The plan for these things?"

"I'm going to make them watch paint dry!" Mark opened up his mouth to fire off a retort, but nothing came out. Slowly he closed his mouth and stared down at the purple unicorn, wondering where he had left his 1911. Twilight had finally gone bat-shit insane and needed to be put down before her insanity started to infect the rest of Equestria!

"Hold up Twilight, I got another one!" Dash thankfully spared Twilight her execution as she flew in with one last Pinkie, this one a little dull colored compared to the others. Before she could land however, she was tackled to the ground by Gallan.

"What the hay?" Twi gasped, trotting over to help Dash.

"Yeah! What gives?!" Dash demanded, rounding on the human. "That was totally not cool!"

"Damn it Dash!" Gallan snapped at her, pulling the Pinkie to his side and a bit behind him. "I told you I didn't give a damn what you did with the unfeeling, soulless copies, but keep your hooves off MY Pinkie!"

"But Gallan dear, we really need to figure out which Pinkie is the real one.." Rarity stated as she started to move towards the pair, but paused when he glared at her as well.

"Mark, do something..." Applejack muttered, nudging his leg. After thinking for a moment, Mark held up a hand.

"Luke, what do you mean by unfeeling and soulless?"

"That's just it." He answered, kneeling down next to his pony. "The clones of her are all soulless, and while they act like her, they don't have any feelings of their own." The ponies around the pair blinked and looked at each other, before a buzz caused them to look up at Mark.

"Have you guys seriously forgotten that Gallan is technically a changeling now? And he can sense the real Pinkie?" Apple shot off, standing atop Mark's head. He briefly wondered when the hell she had gotten up there, but dismissed it shortly after.

"So that means that she's the original Pinkie!" Twilight stated as the situation finally dawned on her.

"That's what I've been trying to tell the lot of you all day!" Gallan grunted as he lifted up the depressed pink pony, hugging her to his chest. "I'd know my Pinkie anywhere."

"You... you knew I was me?" Pinks gazed up into his eyes, the color slowly coming back into her fur. He simply smiled and gently planted a kiss on her muzzle.

"Well! Now that we've gotten that all cleared up..." Twilight beamed and trotted over to the town hall. "Thank you everyone for coming! Now, if you'll look at my horn we can get this party started..."

After the bright flashing had subsided and Twilight had returned to her friends to assist in hugging Pinkie, Mark stepped into the now empty hall and giving it a scrutinizing onceover. He was about to walk out satisfied when he noticed a small pile of silverfish dust on the floor.

"Of course its not that simple..." He muttered as he put the dust in a vial, before going off to explain where he had been to the Elements.

"They're Nanites!" Time Turner called out after inspecting the dust for a while. "I don't know what Twilight and her friends plan to do to that pond, but I'm going to go over and take a look."

"Does that mean we're going on a trip, dad?" Jenny excitedly asked from the kitchen, before coming out with lunch.

"Yes indeed, go ahead and go warm the old girl up." Mark decided that it would be best for him to disappear immediately before they could drag him into some more shenanigans.

Journal Entry #55-A

Three days after Mark disappeared right out of his bed, he has reappeared just in time to help Ponyville in a time of crisis. And while most of them will deny it being a crisis, what had occurred was DEFINITELY classified as a minor to moderate crisis. Check entries #52 through #54 for more details on this 'Pinkie Swarm'. Thanks to Mark, and Gallan, the Elements of Harmony were able to round them up and eliminate the threat. However, it was what happened after that deserves its own entry for future referencing.

I swear to the Hive, sometimes I think my 'father' forgets that I'm a living being and not just a piece of his gear.

Following the elimination of the pink hoard, Mark found something that set off alarm bells in our link. Afterwards, he took some time to explain where he had gone. Something about a world with reversed genders, then a wasteland... Either way, the entire time he talked I had been getting flashes of memories off of him. The image of a male Applejack spooning him in bed made me giggle to myself, I must admit.

Anyway, while he talked with 'mom' and the other Elements, I took my usual spot atop his head. I still haven't told him that this form of contact allows me better access to his memories and emotions, but that's one of my many, many secrets.

It was after his explanation of what he called 'Rule 63 land', that he excused himself and made a beeline to the town's clock tower and the odd family of ponies living there. Time Turner, or as Mark's mind refers to him, 'Doctor', was in a rare form and had become very excited after he received a vial full of a silvery powder.

Note; I'm not sure who Turner really is, but I am certain that he is not a normal pony. My first point is that his life force tastes old. Not as old as Celestia, but old nonetheless. Very old, and very tired, even when he puts on a brave face or acts jovial. The other point I have refer to his emotions. Outwardly, he shows happiness and sadness just like any other pony, but inwardly he guards his true emotions and burying them so deep that I doubt Chrysalis could read them.

While I'm describing Turner, I might as well refer to his daughter, Jenny, as well. A young filly named after a female mule, of course. While she has her father's ability to govern her emotions, she has yet to figure out, or implement, this talent which allows her feelings to show on her sleeve. What throws me off about her is her age. While she looks to be around the same age as Twilight, her emotions taste the same as that of someone younger than Applebloom. And then there's her... coltfriend.

He is one of the things I truly cannot figure out, and that says a lot about this town. 'Joe' is a human mind trapped within a five foot tall gray colored, metal monster. I have only seen these things in glimpses of Mark's memories, and I know that the armored casing is a DALEK. And I also know that several other humans know what they are, but nobody will tell me what the hell a DALEK is. Even Turner has to swallow a wave of fear and revulsion when him and Joe are left alone in a room, though over the past few months he has been getting better about this.

Whatever the fact is, Joe himself is quite the interesting specimen. Unusually calm and collected, he is quite a lot like Big Mac in the way that he's a tall, silent type. Hell, he doesn't even show any emotions unless he's around Jenny. I hesitate to classify the emotions he emits as love, instead opting to describe it as complete devotion for the mare. From what I can tell, when he's around Jenny he feels human again, content with just living as long as it's next to her. In a way, I can't help but feel sorry for him, knowing he's trapped inside a metal nightmare.

And last but certainly not least, we come to the big blue 'phone booth' sitting in the corner of the living room. The box that watches you even though it doesn't have eyes. The big, blue box with a heartbeat. A blue box that loves Turner. I've heard Mark call it a TARDIS, but Turner has called it a variety of names, up to and including 'Sexy' for some reason.

While Mark and Turner talked among each other about that damnable dust that Mark had found, I took the opportunity to explore the tower a bit more. I had mostly tuned them out until I heard the front door close, at which point, and to my alarm, I started feeling a bit of dread.

My loving father decided to make a discreet exit, leaving me alone with this insane family of time travelers. I had to admit, I had been on several adventures with Mark and them before, but now... Momentarily forgetting that I had wings and magic, I spun around to race for the door and join Mark, I bolted and ended up running straight into Tuner's forelegs.

"Why hello there!" Time Turner smiled down at me as Jenny bounded into the now open booth. "Would you like to join us? We're not going that far." And there it was. That slight, knowing smirk, the curious twinkle in his eyes that made one long to see what might lie on the other side of the rabbit hole... Damn it!

"Sure." I nodded, unable to resist the pull that was the Doctor. Soon enough, I found myself sitting next to Joe while Turner and Jenny do an enthusiastic dance around the TARDIS' control island. After listening to a small arguement about whether they should leave the parking brake on or not, we were on our way to this cave. Luckily we weren't going back or forward in time, just popping over a short distance into the Everfree, so it wasn't that long before the blue box's wheezing had came to an end and Turner declaring the flight a success.

Oddly enough, I liked the wheezing sound she makes when the brakes are left on, since it was... comforting, for some reason. I digress.

"And here we are!" Turner called out, trotting onto a dry, desert landscape and into the side of a surprised, 60 foot long, armored earthworm. "Shall we try that again?" He smiled weakly, slamming the door shut behind him.

"Arrakis?" Jenny asked, not taking her hooves off the automatic door lock.

"Arrakis." Turner nodded as he trotted past Joe and I, ears flattened in annoyance.

"I tried to tell you that you imputed the wrong..."

"Now now, no time for that!" He shrugged, retaking his place. "Onward and forwards as I always say." Letting out a sigh, I leaned over to Joe.

"This happens a lot, doesn't it?"

"Affirmative." His electronic, monotone voice droned out.

For the sake of keeping this report as short as possible, I will keep out the six attempts to fly the TARDIS, since it took us about two weeks to travel one mile southeast of Ponyville. Instead, I'll pick it back up when we actually make it to the pond. The other attempts, however, will be recorded at a later date when its convenient.

"There we go!" Jenny announced, finishing up some kind of device that looked like it was a fuse of coffee machine and jukebox. While she did that and Tuner looked for the 'Alpha Bug' to deactivate the colony, I pointed out clones for Joe to destroy.

You know, seeing as how the inherent memories I was given by my birth mother, while needed to run a changeling hive, were lackluster at most, I understood Mark's insistence on a pony education. Standing here while Joe fired that disrupter/gun/stick thing at another Time Turner as it bounded out of the pool, I've started realizing I'd probably be happier as an ignorant Queen of my own little Hive than have to deal with this madness.

"That's seven.." I sighed, drawing another tally mark in the dirt.

"Joe," Jenny piped up from where she was working. I don't even think she looked up from her work. "Do be a dear and get the one climbing out on the other side of the pond."

Brevv! "And that's eight..."

"There you are!" Turner suddenly called out, standing up from the pond. He seemed very overjoyed at something he was holding in his upturned hoof. "Such an amazing little thing aren't we?" He cooed to the thing before tossing it into Jenny's machine.

"So... mind if I ask.." I tried to get his attention, but he trotted right past me. "Excuse me.." He was now pacing while muttering about reforming a base code. You, any of you, know how frustrating it is to be ignored, even if unintentional. "What in the name of fuck is happening?!" Mark would be proud of my wording.

"Do you want the long version or the short?" Jenny asked, before Turner could give one of his long winded answers.

"Short, please."

"In simplest terms, nanites are tiny, self replicating techno-organic machines." Turner moved over and let me see this metallic ant with a fish tail that he was gushing over. "This machine here will allow us to check the Alpha's main programming, and maybe we can find out their function and why they're here."

"Nanites are kind of like changelings in that they have a hive mentality." Jenny stated, giving her father a disappointed look. "What we have here is the colony's Queen, or Alpha. She tells the others what to do, think, and when to reproduce." At least this mare didn't speak gibberish.

"So you want to find out what she knows, why she's here, and if she's dangerous."

"On the nose!" Turner smiled and gave me a wink. "What a brilliant girl you are."

With that said, and me feeling a bit better over understanding what was going on, Turner flipped the machine on and went to work. For the next ten minutes they worked away while I went back to tallying Joe's kills, reaching twenty-three before the two ponies made an unusual noise that drew my attention.

The Nanites have the ability to detect the surface thoughts of their victims, which helps them mimic their target almost flawlessly by imitating their mannerisms and discovering information that only their victim would know. Once this is done, they then slowly take over their victim's life at which point the one cloned is eliminated and the process is repeated with the next victim. My conclusion is that these Nanites are highly dangerous and should be burned in the pits of Tartarus.

These ponies really didn't understand how close they came to being annihilated.

End of Journal Entry 55-A

Author's Note

I know that there's no excuse for being inactive for over two years, but I finally got around to making this for you guys. I couldn't bear leaving you all hanging for so long, so I'll try to get back into the spirit of writing.

Crashing

Journal Entry 55-B

You know, after finding that nanobot thing, I had figured the adventure I was dragged into had finished, since Turner was fixing it to not be a threat. Of course, with the luck that Mark had given me apparently, that wasn’t exactly going to be an easy hope.

I was on a kill count of 46 for Joe when there came a deep rumble from somewhere above. "Sounds like thunder," I remarked numbly, scuffing the floor with my hoof.

"Oh that wasn't thunder…" Turner corrected me as he worked at reprogramming the machine-bug, not even looking up.

"Then what was it?" I asked, honestly confused.

"That's… the sound of something entering the planet's atmosphere," Jenny tilted her head in wonder before slowly walking past me. "Joe, stay here and watch over dad, Apple, you want to come with me and check this out?"

Having nothing better to do, I followed her up the natural ramp that lead up to the entrance of the hidden grotto. However we quickly discovered that the entrance was sealed by a massive boulder. "Hey Apple," Jenny called me to her side and pointed out a small hole with daylight poking through. "See if you can squeeze through and tell me what you see."

"Gotcha," I nodded and shifted into a mouse. I will say that it is refreshing that somebody remembers I'm a changeling, almost all of the Apple family have forgotten I can change my shape at will. And in that regard, I quickly scurried through the small tunnel and soon found myself out in the Everfree.

"Do you see anything?" I could hear her voice through the tunnel.

"No, not that I can…" And that's when the ship thundered by overhead. At first I couldn't think straight, yet very quickly I realized what I was seeing. I've watched Mark play his video games enough to recognize the spaceship as an UNSC Pelican, barreling down towards the ground.

From my point of view the tailing smoke and fire showed the direction the dying ship to be south towards Ghastly Gorge. As I got a better vantage point, I watched something detached from the doomed ship and came barreling towards my direction. I narrated all this to Jenny as best as I could, even as the smaller fireball whizzed by and crashed into the forest some 600 yards to my left.

"Apple, Dad and I have to stay and complete the programming..." Jenny called back. "It's up to you if you want to take a look or rejoin us down here… either way, please stay safe."Stay with Turner and risk a return trip back to the clock tower… I don't think so. So soon enough I was hovering over several humans and an impact crater. I guess I should stop being surprised at how fast the humans can respond to things falling out of the sky, considering that's how most of them got here in the first place, but damn these guys were quick.

As I fluttered in, I discovered Blake, Schmidt, and a few others were standing around Doc as he looked over… "Is he alive?" Mark's voice asked from behind me. Looking over my shoulder, I found my 'father' hopping down from Athena.

"How the hell should I know?" Doc snapped back. "I'm a world war two medic, that means that everything I consider state of the art was made in 1942," he then gestured to the almost 8 foot tall armored man lying in a ditch he had made. "I wouldn't even know where to start. I don't even know what the hell he's wearing!"

"He's alive, I can taste it." I stated as I trotted up and glanced at the new comer's face shield. "He's out cold, but alive."

"That's my girl," Mark smiled as he patted my head. Sure he didn't ask how I got there before him, or where I had been… but the praise felt great!

I had no idea how Apple made it to the crash site without me seeing her, but I didn't comment. She most likely followed after the group I led when we entered this shit hole of a forest.

"Have any idea what generation of soldier this is?" Doc asked me after a moment, trying to take the Spartan's helmet off. Like the rest of my men, he had taken his turn at playing Halo once or twice and understood some of the back-story. After another moment, he gave up on the helm.

"Spartan-III or IV." I answered. "Depends on if the Covenant were still active or not. That radio signal said they were attacked by them, but I don't know if it was Remenant or not." Doc sighed and sat back in the dirt.

"Either way, I don't know shit about these Spartans." He rubbed his face. "From what I've seen in that damn video game of yours, they're not entirely human anymore." I frowned a bit behind my helmet, but nodded.

"Blake, stay here." I told him. "Keep an eye on him, and when he wakes up, radio me."

"It's a damn good thing we are in our ODST's," he said as he nodded to me. "At least we look like we're on his side." I silently agreed.

"And what about me?" Apple questioned. I thought for a moment, before grunting and detaching the pistol on the Spartan's leg, surprised that I could.

"The rest of us are gonna check out that wreckage." I answered, holding out the weapon to her. "Do you think you can go human?" She rolled her eyes before erupting into green flames, the next thing I knew, there was a naked teenager where Apple had been. Stepping up she snatched up the borrowed pistol from my hand and cocked it.

"For the love of… why are you naked," I demanded. Fuck all of you, I'm her father and I won't have my men oogling my teenage daughter's cootch. Taking a deep calming breath, "Apple, dear, could you please do something about…" I waved at her human body.

"Of course I can." She said in her voice so as to not confuse the others. As another flash ended, there stood a teenage Cortana. I face-palmed as this form would probably confuse the guys even more. And she was still fucking naked!

"Your mother is going to kill me…" I sighed before turning towards the rising smoke column. "Time to move out." I unholstered my DMR and started jogging with it in a low ready position. There's a fucking reason I hate the Everfree.

Now before anyone gets upset over me handing my daughter a gun, she has had range time with most of our weapons and is a damn good marksmen. And unlike most ponies, she isn't blind to the dangers that lurk out in the real world.

However, we never trained with a real M6C magnum, and the fucker almost tore her transparent blue damn arms off the first time she fired it, considering that a bullet was probably 12.7mm or something. I think that's what the wiki said, but dunno. But it damn sure can kill a manticore with two body shots!

"That's a nice trophy." I mused, turning my energy sword on. "You want to do the honours?" She nodded and gently took it from me, walking up to the neck of the hybrid. It's head was intact, so I was gonna mount that sumbitch in my office back at base.

I severely doubted AJ would let me keep it at home.

"Right here good?" She asked, poking the lower neck area. I nodded and a moment later the small clearing was filled with the smell of burning flesh as the sword cauterized the cut. I sniffed deeply as I took the head and shifted it into my pocket with her help.

"And with that, we need to bug out. Predators can smell the damn meat from a mile away." I muttered, picking my DMR up and looking around, before motioning for Schmidt to take point.

"Yessir." He nodded and jogged ahead.

Unbeknownst to us, the Pelican had made a one in a million shot and slammed into the gorge just past the train trestle (bridge). From that point on, the gorge acted like a cheese grader and shredded the ship all to hell. By the time it had skidded to a halt, the ship was nothing but a pile of smoking scrap and barely salvageable parts.

"Fucking Hell." I muttered once we emerged onto a cliff at Ghastly Gorge. "...Fucking thing came to rest in the section with the Quarry Eels in it, goddammit." I sighed, not wanting to deal with the damn pests myself. "See anything?" I asked Schmidt, who was lying on the ground at my feet.

"Lone human, fighting three Buzz Boars." He answered. "He's winning, too."

"How can you tell he's male? The standard UNSC's armor is gender neutral and I'm betting that one's wearing a helmet."

"He fights like a male, and he's wearing a male's ODST." Schmidt answered. "...And that's the last of the boar. Shall we go say hello?"

"I'll do it. You all stay here." I looked at Apple. "You want to come as well? It's either that or someone else goes and holds the Magnum." She thought for a moment, before nodding.

"Might as well get going then." I hooked some rappelling rope to the both of us, before tying it around a boulder.

"Stay away from any holes, if you stumble across one." I advised her before sliding down the steep slope. I knew for a damn fact that he saw us, considering that we were making a mini-rockslide going down. A few moments after hitting the ground at a run, I heard something smack the ground with a grunt and the magnum fire once. I looked back to see her sprawled on the ground.

"Fucking..." She growled, pushing a dead eel off her chest before scrambling to her feet.

"Nice head shot" I commented. She nodded as we both glanced up the cliff, causing me to sigh. "I'm not going back up that way."

"Understandable." She muttered, before nodding at the ODST no far off. "Let's go say Hi before I climb back up there and kill more of the fucking things."

My god, I'm so proud of her!

"Name?" I questioned of the ODST as I walked up to him.

*there is a glitch in the recorder, so his name and a small, whispered conversation was not recorded*

"You're name's Major now, I guess. " He nodded and looked around.

"Got it." He muttered, rolling his shoulders and looking at his DMR. "Shall we get going?"

"Yeah, let's get out of here..." I muttered, before turning on my radio. "Smith!" I shouted, hearing someone on the other end swear and fall over.

"Yeah?!" He replied after a moment.

"Time to get us." I answered, walking away for a better signal. I didn't go far, though. "Pick us up first, because we'll have to direct you to Blake's location."

"Copy that." He answered. "What's your location?"

"The big ass scrap pile in the middle of Ghastly Gorge." I deadpanned.

"I'll be there in five." He turned his radio off and I looked back over to the group.

"I can tell you're not UNSC personnel." Major said, crossing his arms.

"Never said we were." I shrugged and took my helmet off. "Hell, she's not even an A.I." After a moment of being stared at, Apple sighed and erupted into green flames, a changeling that stands up to about my knees appearing from the magic.

"...Huh." Major looked around. "So, what's picking us up? I can safely bet it's not a Pelican."

"Black Hawk." I answered. "Was there anything besides you that survived the crash?"

"Sadly, no." He helplessly shrugged. "I don't even know if the two Spartan-IVs on board made it or not." I winced.

"One did." I said. "I got a man watching over him until he wakes up." Major sighed, running a hand over his helmet.

"Beck's not gonna like that..." He muttered. "I never actually thought we might have to put a Spartan on suicide watch."

"More damn complications..." I ran a hand over my shaved head, muttering obscenities to myself.

A little while later, Smith and Steele landed about fifteen yards from us, kicking up dirt and loose debris from the crash.

"Hurry up!" Dusk yelled. "The Pony Corps of Engineers are almost here and we all know how fucking annoying they are!"

"Let's get moving before they detain you for research." I told Major, who ran into Jitterbug, with Apple and I right behind him. "Lift off!" I shouted to Steele and Smith, both of whom nodded.

"I've never been in a vintage helicopter before!" Major shouted to me over the roar of the blades. "VTOLs are different than this thing!"

"That's American engineering for you!" I replied, grinning a bit. As the Black Hawk stopped to pick up Schmidt, Gallan, Bill, and Doc, I saw a group of pegasi pulling several chariots heading our way.

Grinning like an idiot despite the conversation I'm gonna have with a Spartan-IV later, I saved to them when they noticed us.

"Suck it, bitches!" I hollered, giving them the finger.

It's no damn secret that the Pony Corps of Engineers and the Death Guard's Human Division have a deep rivalry over technology. It pisses them off, considering that we're able to deploy and get to a location faster, and won't give them the technology to do the same.

I told General Nightwing to suck my balls and make his own damn helicopters if he wants to bitch about us having one. And scuttlebutt says that there's a longstanding bet on who'll give the other an aneurysm first. Dawn was one of the first to place a bet on me winning.

Anyway, I could hear his yell of frustration from where we were, causing the Major to look around in confusion.

"What was that?" He asked.

"You'll get used to it." Alpha squad, and I, answered together.

Oh My Captain

With a low roar of the blades, our ride descended into the clearing. Blake was standing next to a still prone Spartan, who wasn't moving.

"Shite." I muttered, hopping out of the vehicle. "Apple, could you give me a bit of enhanced strength for a moment? This sumbitch weighs about half a ton, if I remember correctly." She nodded and her horn flared a sickly green. A moment later, I felt nigh-impossible strength flowing through my body, causing me to breath deeply and let out a sigh.

"Thanks." I smiled a bit and scooped up the Spartan, broken armour and all, like he was a paperweight. Major was actually impressed with how easily I lifted him up. "Let's get the hell out of here." To puncuate my point, a pack of timberwolves started howling rather close to our position.

"Yeah, we're bugging out." Steele muttered, knowing for a damn fact that those things won't stay down if killed. They just get worse.

Halfway back to Ponyville, the Spartan woke up.

"Hey Beck." Major said as he sat up rather quickly, grabbing his right thigh for his magnum. Apple handed it back to me and I held it out to him.

"Sorry, but we had to use it for an animal." I shrugged. "You weren't using it at the time, so I didn't think you'd mind that much." He slowly nodded, before looking around.

"Where are we?" He asked.

"Over a stretch of forest called the Everfree." I answered. "Much, much more dangerous than the rest of the continent."

"Did you find Marisa?" Beck questioned. I sighed, rubbing my forehead.

"...Why don't you tell me what happened before the ship crashed?" I avoided the question for the moment.

Beck nodded and opened his mouth, having moved his helmet away.

Cap walked through the hallways of the Hell's Angel, his ship, to meet up with Omega Team, his fireteam, to head to the planet below for a small party before they go off to the front line.

As he walked, Cap thought about what had recently happened over the past couple months. His team's XO and one of his oldest friends, Marisa, confessed to him that she had a crush on him, he told her he felt the same about her, ever since then they've gotten to know each other a lot better then when they were friends. The other team members now also have a love life in or out of the battlefield, it seemed as though everything was finally looking up for the team, after the hell they went through though the Human-Covenant War and on Requiem... but even with how it seemed like things looked up, Cap couldn't shake off the slightest feeling that in any moment something will go wrong. He tried all he might, trying to make it go away by knowing nothing would happen, it just stayed, so he decided to ignore the feeling.

Cap kept walking until he reached the hangar bay, entering, he looked around to see Omega team doing various things. Brain, the team's heavy specialist, was talking with his sister, and the team's medic, Mercia. Mark, the team's sniper, was talking with Korey, the team's CQC Specialist. Cap then noticed Marisa sitting on top of a crate, staring out into space. Walking over, he asked "Hey, Marisa, what were you thinking about?"

"Oh, nothing much, just thinking about the past couple months... sure has been great for all of us, hasn't it?" Marisa said to him in response. "

Yeah, it's certainly been great, a lot better then how it was back during the war..." Cap said, grimacing at the thought of the horrors he had saw during the war. As soon as he said that, the worst possible thing happened...

It is returning through the dark...

"SIR! Slipspace signatures, hundreds of them! multiple Storm Armored Cruisers and Light Cruisers confirmed within them!" Julie, the ship's A.I. said, causing Cap to look out of the hanger and see a massive fleet of covenant ships come out of slipspace.

Captain you have met your mark

"Dear god..." was all Cap could say as an armor cruiser flew near them, and unleashed it's firepower, shaking the ship, before it sent out it's invasion forces. "Julie, I want all of our marines to head to the biggest possible area the enemy could deploy at, we're not letting them pass that area, and contact High Command, we need help." Cap said, rushing with his team to get to the armory.

Your song is ending so don't cry

Reaching the armory, Cap and Omega Team grabbed their gear and ran to the main hangar bay. They arrived in a couple of minutes, they entered in and saw that there was a massacre. There were mostly marine bodies scattered about, Cap even walked in and watched a member of the ODST fireteam Trident, Drake, get executed by an Elite Zealot holding two energy sword, shortly after that the Zealot looked at Cap and charged him.

When you hear him knock four times...

Cap pulled out his pistol and combat knife to combat the zealot, as it charged him and tried stabbing him, Cap quickly brought the knife up and blocked the energy sword, before he kicked the elite back and fired a few rounds from his pistol causing the Elite's shields to flicker out. The elite then swung at Cap's abdomen, cutting the armor and leaving a plasma burn deep enough to have Cap start bleeding.

Then Cap quickly returned the favor and stabbed the elite's stomach and firing a round of his gun into the beast's skull, looking from the fight, Cap saw that Omega Team won't be able to defeat this threat.

"Sir, you and Marisa need to get out of here, we'll hold them off!" Brian said, firing off a machine gun turret into the waves of enemies.

"But, you'll die-" Cap said, but was cut off by Brian.

"It doesn't matter if I live, you two are the 2nd and 3rd Spartans with the most experience that's still alive, they'll need you more than us. JUST GO!"

Understanding Brian, Cap contacted Marisa on comms "Marisa, we need to get out of here." Marisa nodded and ran with Cap as they exited the main hangar to try and find a safe Exac point, they heard the screams of death from Brian and the others and looked behind them to see if covenant were coming to capture them, to find them not there, they quickly wondered why, and they looked outside to see the cruiser charging it's beam to shoot down the ship, they knew they ran out of time before they even started looking. "So this is it, then, we're done..." Cap said, pulling his helmet off with one arm and letting that arm hang.

"I guess it is..." Marisa said, pulling off her helmet and looking at it, before looking up at Cap, fear in her eyes, she said, "I don't want to go."

"Me too, Marisa." Cap said before they both kissed passionately, as the ship creaked and began to fall apart before a white light covers the whole ship, making both Cap and Marisa black out.

Just one more thing before you fall

Cap woke up to see him and Marisa. Panicking inside, he grabbed his helmet and put it on his head quickly, and glided over to Marisa and tried putting her helmet on her, but just as it was about to go on her head, they crashed and Cap blacked out once again.

You'll be getting your reward

Waking up once again, Cap looked around and saw Marisa bleeding out, blood dripping off of the back of her skull, staining her short black hair, her staring up at the sky with her helmet rolled off a few feet behind her.

Rushing over, Cap looked over Marisa's wounds, worried about her. "Marisa, it's going to be okay, we survived the Hell's Angel being destroyed, we can get out of this." Cap said, trying to calm himself down and give Marisa some hope.

"I don't think I'll make it..." Marisa said, life slowly starting to drain from her eyes.

" Don't say that, now come on, let's get you on your feet." Cap said, trying to lift Marisa up, and have Marisa stay on her feet with his support, but to no avail, Marisa's life draining quicker and quicker from her eyes.

"I never wanted to go like this, not this time..." Marisa never finished her sentence as the last of her life drained from her eyes. Cap was devastated... the person he cared about the most in his life, gone. Cap looked into Marisa's lifeless eyes, then looked up, not noticing the other humans that had arrived, and let out a scream of sadness and rage loud enough to shake the nearby mountain, sending flocks of birds into the air, after doing that, Cap cried over Marisa body, before noticing his wounds and he fainted from blood loss...

The Captain is dying, the Captain is dying

"Jesus..." I looked at Beck, who was staring out of the side. As I watched, the chest piece to his armour fell off and crashed on something a hundred feet below us.

"Major, I want you to keep an eye on him." I muttered to the ODST, who nodded. 'What I find real disturbing was that we didn't find Marisa's body anywhere. And that we stumbled across him after he collapsed.' I thought.

"Where's her body?" Beck asked.

"You were the only one." Doc sighed. "The general actually looked for her himself, but we couldn't find her." He didn't reply, just stared down at the ground.

"We'll make a grave for her. Then another for the rest of the crew." I said aloud.

"...Alright..." He mumbled, pulling his helmet off and dropping it.

"We'll also need to make you new armour." I leaned forward. "Considering that you're a Spartan-IV, it'll look different than ODST armour." I was pretty much talking to myself at this point. "Spartan-IV armour for sure, but you get to pick what it looks like, along with the helmet." I felt Apple shift on my head, before feeling a slight tug in my mind.

I pretty much lost my feeling of empathy at that point. I don't want her to feel bad about eating my emotions, so I've never told her how it effects me.

Sure, I don't become an emotionless husk like Shining was, but I do lose my sense of empathy, but I cover it up because I can lie my ass off about it. Sometimes, even AJ can't tell if I'm lying.

But Granny can always tell. Old people intuition.

It was a quiet, relatively uneventful morning. Which was unsettling in itself.

"Hey, you see anything out there?" Markus questioned, causing me to look out the passenger window of the Humvee.

"Just trash piles and buildings." I grunted, looking back at him. "The tip did say that the IED was down here though." Bill nodded and slipped out of the turret.

"I'll grab the 'bot." He said, leaving the safety of the vehicle and going 'round back. I slipped out at the same time as Markus and helped Bill set up the robot.

"Who's controlling it this time?" I asked, checking the bulky controller.

"I might as well." Markus offered, nudging me to the side. "Got the thing ready?"

"As ready as it'll ever be." Bill replied, causing me to help get the thing onto the ground. I picked my carbine back up and looked around the street, wary of insurgent snipers. After a moment, the thing was on its way down the street, while Bill started preparing blocks of C-4. "This'll show them that if they put bombs in their streets, we'll fucking blow up the street."

"Damn skippy. Sick of these things, man." Markus chuckled. "Hoping to get transferred over to Reserves after this tour." I simply shook my head. Weekend warriors went through the same shit in basic, but I had less respect for them than those who were active.

"Switching to working with the dogs, myself." I answered. "Or try my hand at SEALs."

"You gonna wash out during Hell Week, I'm almost certain." Bill chuckled. "Mr. sleep for eighteen hours while off duty."

"Only after those damn patrols." I shot back. "The rest of the time it's you who sleeps in for everything."

"Shut up, I'm trying not to blow this damn robot up." Markus muttered, stopping next to a garbage pile. After a tense moment of mild suspense, the arm on it lifted up a newspaper to reveal a bomb.

"Sheeeet." I whistled. "That's a big'un."

"Looks to be two hundred and fifty pounds." Bill rubbed his head. "Can't blow that one up, it'll take out the houses around it."

"Returning the 'bot." Markus said. "Bill, go ahead and start suiting up. Mark, help him." I was against the idea of making Bill go out and do it, but Markus was the Sergeant and I had to listen to him.

"Aye." I reluctantly said. As I helped Bill, I swore I saw a purple mist hover near the Humvee, but when I looked, there was nothing there.

"What?" Bill looked where I was.

"Thought I saw something." I muttered, reaching for my rifle. "I'm gonna go check it out. Cover me." I crept off while Bill picked his rifle up and aimed it down the street.

"You're clear!" Markus called out.

"Roger that." I mouthed, before putting my back against the brick wall to the building behind me. I peeked around the corner, staring down the alley the mist was coming from. "...Nothing." I said, jogging back to the others.

"Cover me, I'm going down there to defuse it." Bill said once he was suited up. Markus grabbed his rifle after ordering me onto the fifty.

"I got you covered, over." I said into the mic that was almost against my cheek.

"Roger that." He replied.

"What are you dreaming of?" A voice questioned me. I blinked and shook my head.

"Did you say something, sarg'nt?" I questioned, looking down at him.

"That's a negative, private." He replied. I shrugged my shoulders and turned my attention back to Bill. He had reached the IED and was kneeling next to it, pulling the wire cutters from their pouch.

"Or is this a memory?" There was that voice again.

"Sir, remind me to stay sober tonight. I think there's something in the beers." I groaned, rubbing at my eyes. "I'm hearing shit."

"I'll make sure your cup's filled with ghetto aid." He replied, before raising his rifle to his shoulders. "Possible contact at your 1 o'clock." I swiveled the M2 over and leaned forward, spotting someone peeking around the corner.

"Bill, you got someone behind you!" I called out as I got ready to fire. Even though I knew it was most likely an insurgent, we were in a civilian area and the standard ROE was still in effect. As he turned around, pulling an M9 from his hip holster, a shot rang out and he crumpled to the ground. "Goddammit!" I shouted as I pressed down on the button, letting loose .50BMG rounds downrange.

The first few bullets ripped into the body of the man, sending an arm tumbling away in a spurt of gore as the rest of him was turned to pulp.

"Fucking ambush!" Markus shouted over the crack of his rifle. "Get on the radio and alert HQ!" I nodded and slipped down, fumbling with the radio.

"This is Noble 2-1, anybody read me?!" I shouted, lowering my head as a bullet zinged by. "We're caught in an ambush! Over!"

"This is Zulu 1, where are you, over?" A voice replied after a few tense seconds.

"Sector 3, over!" I answered, picking my M1911 from the dashboard and firing off a few rounds to keep them away from me.

"Hold out for a few minutes, we're en route. Over and out." He cut off and I manned the .50 again.

"How long?!" Markus questioned, keeping up against the side of the vehicle.

"Around five minutes!" I shouted.

"Great!" He sarcastically shouted, before cursing. "RPG!" I swiveled to the incoming rocket and started firing, hoping to hit it before it blew my ass up. "Get down!"

"I ca-" I was cut off as it slammed into the door, exploding and sending me bouncing around in the turret. Markus was worse off, shrapnel slicing into the left side of his body and sending him to the ground. I only got a few shards of metal into my leg, causing me to growl in pain and fall down into the slightly burning Humvee.

As quickly as it began, the assault stopped. I stayed still, breathing shallowly as I tried not to move. A minute passed and I shakily kicked the ruined door off, getting out and falling to the ground as pain flared up in my leg.

"Fuck..." I hissed, crawling over to Markus and checking for a pulse. I knew it was futile as soon as I saw the metal shard sticking out of the left side of his head, but I did it out of reflex.

I looked down the street, before dragging myself to my feet and limping towards Bill. "You better be alive, asshole." I muttered, dragging my right leg slightly behind me.

He wasn't. I had started dragging him towards the vehicle as two Humvees turned the corner, going about fifty.

"What's the situation, Noble 2?" One of the grunts who spilled out of the vehicles questioned, the stripes on his arm indicating that he was in charge.

"Humvee's trashed and I'm the only survivor." I answered. "Don't step there sarg'nt, I don't know if the IED will blow up if someone steps on it." I added as I saw his foot about to touch the bomb. "We got ambushed before Corporal Legaski could defuse it."

"Wake."

I bolted straight up, shaking a bit and coated in sweat.

"Christ..." I muttered, looking down at the sleeping mare next to me. As I watched, she rolled over with a quiet snort and continued sleeping. "You're lucky you don't have memories like mine." I muttered, before slowly lowering myself back onto my back.

Author's Note

Fun fact, the Halo scene in here was written by the guy who submitted Beck as a character!

Rebrew Ridge

"Hey Mark, are you and AJ free this Saturday?" Rainbow asked as Fluttershy fidgeted next to her. I was actually surprised that the rainbow colored mare had voluntarily walked into the Spa, though she didn't seem to want a massage or facial.

"Yeah, the war games aren't for another couple weeks and I got nothin' better to do. What's up?" I got behind the two and started washing my hands. They had been blocking my way to the sink since they came in, but neither of them didn't want to interrupt Lyra's weekly session to talk to me. They think I can't bloody multi-task.

"We're going to visit Dash's father, and we were wondering if you wanted to come." Fluttershy said. Over the years, she had been warming up to me, and I've been able to clearly understand her. Finally.

"Alright, I can definitely make it." I said. "Who is he, anyway?"

"Wing Commander Blitz." Rainbow Dash stated proudly.

"Hm. If I were ignorant, I'd ask how the hell he became Wing Commander in a time of peace." But I wasn't ignorant, since Dawn ensured that I handled troop deployments and shipping supplies to outposts and the like. Training and requisitioning funds are my secondary job, but I usually put those on my priority list.

"He's been in over two hundred skirmishes, but he's retired now." Dash explained. These skirmishes always involved sentient creatures (because I know the difference), but there weren't any skirmishes involving sapient beings on both sides.

Yet.

"Yeah, I'll have a talk with AJ and see if she can come, but I'm definitely coming." I shook my hands free of excess water. "Always enjoy talking to veterans." They gave me directions to where they were gonna meet up and left, thanking me for taking time out of my schedule to do this.

[Schmidt]

"Remind me to tell you what I think about your book organization." I muttered, placing some book onto a shelf. I wouldn't know what it was; I can't read English worth a shit.

"What was that?" Twilight only heard a mumble, she wasn't trying to find a reason to hit me with a book again.

"Nothing, Twi." I promptly responded. For all she cared on organization, I could arrange the books by the color on the spines. She may be plagued by what Mark called 'OCD', but she ignores book organization from what he said. He also muttered something about pushing a thing called the 'Dewy Deciple System' or something onto this nation. His accent is tough to understand at times. Especially when he's irritated.

"Hey Twi, hey Schmidt." And then Rainbow Dash nearly knocked over my beloved. I rushed over, scooping up my MP-40 before it could be scratched by the wooden floor. "Can we speak to you two for a second?"

"Sure, what's on your mind?" Twilight came over while I slung the strap to my machine pistol over my shoulder.

"We were wondering if you could go somewhere with us Saturday..." The shy one mumbled. Verdammt, I hate the fact that she can't speak louder when I'm around.

"Where are you two going?" I asked, pulling up one of the chairs that only seemed to be there when someone needed it.

"To visit my dad." Dash answered. "And it'll be at least four; I've already talked to Mark and he said he'll talk to AJ to see if she can go as well."

"Well, I have nothing planned for this weekend, so I guess it's fine." Twilight smiled a bit. "And we'll finally get to meet your parents!"

"Who's your father?" I asked, leaning forward a bit.

"Wing Commander Blitz." Dash grinned, before clearing her throat. "I believe that would be a Major in the other forces."

"Where do we meet up?" I asked, rubbing my hands.

"We'll meet up at the fifth train platform, the one that heads southwest." Fluttershy said softly.

"Thanks for this, you two." Dash smiled a bit as the pair left.

"Southwest, huh?" Twi mumbled, rubbing her chin. "I haven't heard of any veteran homes southwest... Spike! Could you find me a book?"

[Doc, Saturday]

"Are you sure they don't need you at the hospital?" Fluttershy questioned me as we waited on the platform.

"I've answered this every week, 'Shy." I chuckled a bit. "No, they don't need me there. Everyone knows that people usually get injured from Monday to Friday." In Ponyville that's pretty much a fact. Especially for Rainbow. She's in at least twice a week.

"I'm surprised it took you this long to tell me where you were 'sneaking' off to every Saturday, Dash." Duffy said from over by a trash can, finishing up a cigarette.

Speaking of cigarettes, I had accidentally gotten Fluttershy hooked on them, and Duffy got Dash addicted, also accidentally. With how much Mark smokes, I'm surprised AJ doesn't. Don't know about Schmidt, considering he pretty much hovers around the library when we're not doing PT and we can't smoke then.

I knew it was bad, Duffy knew they were bad, both pegasi knew they were bad, and we still smoked them. Fluttershy is doing her best to quit, but she smokes three to five a day. Which isn't too bad, considering.

Better than being an alcoholic, though.

Anyway, Schmidt and Twilight were the first to arrive, both being early.

"Are we late?" Twilight questioned, worry lacing her voice.

"You two are early, actually." Fluttershy spoke up, lightly stomping out what remained of her 'cancer stick' (as Mark calls them) and throwing it away. Twilight stared at the can for a moment, before shaking her head.

"I didn't know that you smoked, Fluttershy." She said, shifting a bit awkwardly.

"Being an animal caretaker is very stressful." 'Shy explained. "I love doing it, but I used to be extremely stressed. I noticed Isaac smoking one day after coming home, so I tried it myself."

"And she got hooked." I added. "Very addictive, so don't try one."

"Er, I'm not too keen on trying it out." Twilight said. "If that's alright with you all."

"If you don't wanna try one, no biggie!" Rainbow called out from her cloud, having brought one down to lounge on while waiting for the others. "It doesn't make you a chicken in our eyes!"

"Precisely." I said, getting up as Mark walked onto the platform. "AJ couldn't come?"

"Too busy." He shook his head. "There's a lot of corn to harvest, and Granny thinks the zap apples are coming soon." Odd, I thought the corn had already been harvested.

"Oh, the zap apples are going to bloom?" Fluttershy smiled a bit. "We'll have to reserve a few jars of jam, then."

"Same here!" Dash said, sticking a hoof into the air. Mark pretended to write down something, before throwing the pencil he got from somewhere over his shoulder. I didn't see him reach into that damnable pocket of his.

"Is anyone else coming?" Mark questioned after a moment, looking around the platform.

"We're just waiting on Rarity, Pinkie, and Blake." I answered, looking behind him. "Speak of the devil, there's Rarity and Blake now." The two stepped up behind Mark, Rarity wearing a scarf. Blake had on his armor, as usual, and seemed content to just bring his revolver along for the ride.

"Now we gotta wai—" Rainbow Dash was cut off by Pinkie, who popped out of the train car we had reserved.

"What's taking you guys so long?" She questioned, frowning happily (I don't know, she just did) at us. "The train's about to leave!" That got us to get on board as quickly as possible, Dash abandoning her usual cloud in favor of being on time. We didn't question as to how Pinkie got on board without us noticing her.

"So, Dash." I overheard Mark say as we took our seats. "I looked up where your father was posted last." Glancing over, I saw her blink a bit. I couldn't make out what he said after that, because he leaned over and whispered something into her ear.

"So, where are we going, darling?" Rarity questioned.

"We're heading to Brewer Ridge." I said, scratching my nose. "It's a few hours out, so you all might as well get comfortable." Everyone nodded and shifted around in their seats, while Mark pulled an odd contraption out of his pocket and pushed at a small switch on the side.

"Hey, Twilight." Mark's voice woke me up from dozing off. "Do you think you could make me something?"

"Depends." She answered from somewhere behind me. "What do you want?"

"I... want a glove. That shoots lightning." He answered, his tone telling us that he was completely serious.

"A-Are you serious?" Twilight questioned.

"Yep. A glove that shoots out lightning whenever I yell 'unlimited power'. You can even make it have a stun setting, if you want to." He elaborated. At that, I actually had a thought.

"If you make one for him, make one for me as well." I said, and felt Fluttershy stare at the back of my head. "Though make it to where it's like one of those 'defibrillators' that Mark told me about. And don't make it have to be used by yelling 'shock a bitch' or whatever."

"That... Actually sounds doable." Twilight finally said. "You two might have to wait a while, though."

"Fine by me." I mumbled, shifting and trying to get some more shut-eye.

[Mark]

I didn't even know if Sparklebutt was able to make a glove like that; I was just fucking around with her! But if she was able to, I'll have a glove that allows me to be Darth Sidious whenever I wanted to. Score!

Anyway, while Duffy, Dash, and Fluttershy quietly talked among each other, Doc slept, and Twilight nerded, I went back to playing Pokemon Emerald. I don't know what Pinks was doing.

"Oi, you lot!" I shouted, startling everybody awake. "We're here!" As I got up, the train slowed to a stop. With a groan, the others got to their feet/hooves/wings and we slowly filtered out into Brewer Ridge's station. A quick look around revealed only two or three other ponies in the station, all of which were departing.

"There's not many ponies around." Pinkie noted.

"There usually aren't." Rainbow answered, before beckoning us to follow her. "This way, guys."

Once exiting the train station, we made our way down a path towards the only other building for miles; Brewer Ridge.

"Oh, is this like a veteran's home?" Rarity questioned.

"Something like that." Doc replied, shifting his red cross armband a bit. Dunno why, but he was wearing his BDUs to this place. Then again, Blake was wearing his armor, minus the helmet.

I, on the other hand, was wearing jeans and a T-shirt. I decided to go all damn casual about this.

"Seems nice." Twilight said, before pausing at a statue of a Royal Guard in full BDUs. Their BDUs were different than their 'guarding' uniform (the gold crap that couldn't block paper cuts), as in they actually looked like the plate armor they were supposed to be. Almost complete, full body protection except for the head, and that's where the helmet came in at. The helmet had a visor that was detachable, instead of a visor that swung upwards, at my insistence.

"This statue represents the stallions and mares who served at the Battle of Bulging Arrows.
Over two hundred lives were lost that week.
Four hundred were seriously wounded.
More than two thousand Harpies were driven out of Saddle Lake."

"People think that the Guard and Army are all fun and games." I stated, causing the ones who haven't been here to look at me. "In fact, it is the complete opposite. C'mon, we have a Wing Commander to see." With that, they slowly followed after me, though Twi hesitated for a moment.

On the way to the large building ahead of us, we had to pass by several more statues, detailing important border skirmish victories. The battle for the settlement of Appleloosa (Rarity gasped and stared at it for a while), in which the few guards stationed there had repelled a bunch of large scorpions with the help of the buffalo. The first (but not nearly the last) skirmish at Vanhoover against colonies of wyrms. Giant locusts swarming Cloudsdale. All won, with the wounded and killed numbers etched into a gold plate on the base.

"How many battles has Equestria seen?" Twilight questioned, looking around remorsefully.

"More than I care for." I sighed, rubbing my hands due to the chill in the air. "And almost all of them never reach the public until decades have passed. Celestia doesn't want the ponies that don't live in frontier towns to worry about being attacked, so she has me move them around discreetly."

"So that's why you fight against the nobles wanting to cut back on defense funding." Twilight muttered.

"Exactly." I sighed, before cracking my back and opening the front doors, noting on how well they were decorated. Beyond the first doors were another pair, though these weren't made of marble and instead simply made of maple. Yeah, I know my damn wood doors.

"Oh, General Durnkinscoff!" A receptionist mildly panicked, clearing what was obviously pony porn off of her desk. After stowing the dirty mag away, she cleared her throat and gave an unconvincing grin. "Are you here for an inspection?"

"I'm here for Wing Commander Storm Blitz." I answered, moving to the side to allow her view of Rainbow Dash and the others. "I'm sure you're familiar with these three already." Upon spotting them, she let out an 'ah' of understanding and started fishing for something under the counter.

"I had forgotten that it was Saturday..." I heard her mumble, before her head popped back up, nine lanyards in hoof. "Here are your passes. Take as long as you need to." We thanked her and collected them, before heading down a hallway, Rainbow Dash in the lead.

"He's down this hall." Dash told us, taking a glance up at the sign on the ceiling. I did as well, and frowned at the 'intensive' part.

"What is this place?" Rarity quietly asked, probably dreading the answer.

"Veteran hospital." Doc answered quietly. "For severely wounded guards and grunts. These guys are lucky that non-sapiens don't use IEDs. Bloody fire breath is bad enough."

"Yeah..." Dash muttered distractedly, looking through a few doors. "Hey Fluttershy, do you remember if he was able to leave his room?"

"I think so..." She mumbled, causing Dash to pause. "Yeah, I remember he was cleared three weeks ago."

"Then we're off to the rec rooms first." Dash did a 180 and did her best to not brush up against us, to keep from being rude. She did invite us here, after all.

... Though I was considering stopping by for actually inspecting this place for a while. I can consider this a discreet inspection.

Anyway, we looked into a few recreation rooms, before Dash slipped into the last one.

"He's in here." She quietly said. "And so are a few others, so don't disturb them if you can help it." With my rank, that was hard to do. And the fact that I was well known at this point for being one of the most competent generals besides Dawn was also going for me.

... And for sending these ponies here, however indirectly it was.

Inside, there were a few veterans and orderlies milling about. The veterans were in various states of injury, the worst being a pegasus with only one wing and both forelegs. Over in the corner, staring out of a window was Dash's father, who was missing a hind leg and had a nasty burn scar webbing across his face and neck.

"Officer on deck!" A veteran with only one eye called out, causing everyone who could achieve it to stand at various states of attention. Those who couldn't, sat as rigid as possible.

Hell, with the reactions drilled into them, Isaac, Brandon, and Blake also snapped to attention.

"At ease." I said softly. "With what you all have been through, I should be the one doing this to you." They relaxed a bit, but were a lot more orderly than before, I bet.

"What can I do for you, sir?" An orderly came over, standing in front of my group. "Are you here for an inspection?" What is it with these ponies and expecting me to evaluate them? Christ.

"Personal visit." I answered, nodding towards Wn. Cm. Storm Blitz. "I'm here with a friend to visit her father, on her request." The unicorn's eyes widened a bit in realization, and she smiled softly.

"I should have remembered Rainbow was visiting today." She beckoned us to follow, and we did. Stopping in front of the quiet pegasus, she cleared her throat. "Storm? Your daughters and son are here to see you." That actually got me to do a double take, as did everyone save Doc, Rainbow, and Flutters.

"You never asked about her family." Doc shrugged in reply to Duffy's stare. The sniper narrowed his eyes slightly, but didn't say anything.

"And you have an important visitor as well." The orderly concluded, before leaving us alone.

"Sorry for not saluting, sir." Storm croaked out, holding out a slightly shaking hoof. "Wing Commander Storm Blitz at your service." I firmly and carefully shook his hoof, causing him to grunt in approval.

"I'm off duty, so I prefer to be called Mark." I said, taking a seat on a stool while the others gathered 'round. Pinkie and Marshmallow were being uncharacteristically quiet, ever since we walked in.

"Alright, Mark." He shifted a bit, before holding out his forehooves. Almost like it was rehearsed, Fluttershy and Dash sunk into his grip, hugging him tightly.

"So, dad." Dash cleared her throat. "You remember when I told you about my husband?"

"Yeah, I remember." He said, before squinting at Blake. "Is this him?"

"Actually, that's Rarity's boyfriend." Duffy cleared his throat. "I'm Rainbow's husband." Storm looked him up and down, before grunting.

"You don't look like much." He stated, causing me to hide a snort. "What'cha good at?" Shooting towel heads.

"Reconnaissance, assassination, evading the enemy, and being quiet." Duffy unhesitatingly answered. "I was trained as a Marine, just like Mark, but I specialize in those areas."

"Oh yeah?" Storm's attention turned back to me. "What'd you train under?"

"Explosive ordinance disposal, alongside with making bombs with toothpaste, an MRE, and a paper clip." I answered, before pausing for a moment and reaching into a bag that I brought along with me. "I have two things for you, and for most of the others here." That got him to raise what little eyebrow he had left, as they both had been mostly burned off.

"What is it?" He grunted, shifting a bit in his seat.

"The highest honor my country's military can give to a soldier." I answered, fishing out a pair of boxes. "And the other one is a little more standard, and one everybody that works for me has." I glanced at Duffy, before handing the first box to him. "I hereby present to you, Wing Commander Storm Blitz, the Medal of Honor. For actions that went above and beyond the call of duty." Duffy and Doc instantly snapped to attention with a salute.

"Why're my sons doin' that?" Blitz questioned as he accepted the first box, eyeing the medal inside.

"It's standard procedure to salute those who've earned the Medal of Honor, dad." Doc answered, slowly sitting back down. "Like Mark said, it's the highest honor a United States soldier can receive."

"I'm not in your old country's military, though." He shot back. "I don't know if I can accept this."

"I had a talk with the princesses." I informed him. "She said that she'd slowly integrate the Medal of Honor into the Equestrian forces. So in about two months or so, you're going to be highly honored."

"Then take your damn honor back." He snorted, pushing the box away. "I did what I did to save that family, not for honor." At that, I allowed myself to chuckle.

"That's exactly what I was hoping you'd say." I said once I was able to control myself again. "It's an honor to have one. A soldier doesn't earn this by being honorable, they earn it by, like I said on why you received it, going above and beyond the call of duty."

"I don't know..." He finally said, gently rubbing his forehead. "Who else here is getting one?"

"Those who did similar acts to yours." I answered. "And all of them, including you, are also getting the Purple Heart."

"Don't tell me," he held up a hoof, "it's for getting injured in a battle." At my nod, he rolled his eyes a bit. "Whatever. Like I said before, I didn't do what I did to be awarded medals, I did it because it was the right thing to do."

"I know." I rubbed my face. "You happened to get some medals in the process. Been there and done that. Celestia thinks its a good idea so she's having me do it."

"You know," Duffy began, turning to look at me. "You never told us exactly how you got that Purple Heart of yours, anyway. I know you didn't issue it to yourself."

"I don't want to talk about it." I muttered, looking down for a moment. When I looked back up, I saw Duffy's eyebrow had raised. Without a word, I stood and walked out of the room, feeling a sudden spike of misery. "There was nothing I could do." I muttered, rubbing my forehead. "I couldn't stop it in time, and the fucking ROE was bullshit." Spending a couple minutes out in the hallway to cool down, I laid my head against the wall, shivering despite the temperature.

Grand Galloping Gala

Winter. I used to love the snow, then I came to Equestria. Now I merely tolerated it, considering it was fake snow. Let the ponies preach all they want about how it's genuine, real snow died off when the planet started rotating again.

Let me clarify for those who either don't know, or don't remember. Just before Discord's first defeat by the alicorn sisters, he stopped the earth from spinning and sentenced all life on our little planet to death. So Celestia and Luna stepped in, seeing as it was partially their fault, and began using their "divine" power to rotate the earth and keep it going. However, there were several problems that came from this act.

1: No one knew or understood what Discord did to stop an entire planet from spinning, so whatever he did still wants to keep the earth from rotating... and after existing so long locked away as a statue, even he forgot what he did.

So that brings us to 2: Celestia and Luna have to live long enough to either find someone with enough power to take over their jobs, or until someone figures out how to fix the earth's spin properly.

3: Now seemingly immortal, and responsible for rotating the world "rising the Sun and Moon", everyone and their grandmother thinks that Tia, Lulu, and Moon are gods. If I were immortal, I would probably pay to see how they would react when the three of them died.

4: When they restarted the world spinning, they didn't know that it was supposed to wobble, the wobble of the earth is what gives us our seasons, and the ever changing seasons are a big deal for it tells ponies when to plant crop, when to harvest and when to breed…

So the pegasi were put in charge of the weather and thus we have fake snow.

And fuck you to, somehow this all made sense when I started the explanation so if you don't get it, it's not my problem.

Anyway, I was mulling over the fact that the year's first snowfall was "scheduled" in less than two months, when a scroll popped into being right front of my face as I was sitting in my office. Seeing as how it was marked important, I broke the seal and began to read.

"With a sultry smile, L-" I instantly sent that shit back, with a little sticky note. I had written 'Go fuck yourself' in German, rubbing my temple at Dawn's retardedness.

"Fucking stop sending me smut, assmunch. Third time this week." I muttered, filling out some more paperwork. "And Littlepip's a fucking lesbian!" I was in the FO:E universe for about a week... (I don't want to talk about it)

Anyhow, if you have ever wondered about our scheduled seasons, we have 4 months of summer and winter, and 2 months each for spring and fall. In the five years I've lived here it hasn't changed once. So half way through November there is suddenly snow, and it lasts halfway through March, like clockwork. First Snowfall, and Winter Wrap-up are held on the same days every year and ponies schedule their lives accordingly.

Ten minutes later I was still brooding over fake snow, when a different scroll appeared. I rolled my eyes and opened the scroll up, out fell two tickets to something called the 'Grand Galloping Gala'.

"You (and one guest) are hereby invited to the Grand Galloping Gala! As you may know, this grand event only takes place every 5 years. To be invited is an honor only presented to 200 ponies (or otherwise)! Princess Celestia and Princess Luna with be on hoof to greet guests between 5:00 and 7:00pm. We hope to see you up at the Canterlot Palace on the eleventh of Juniper!
-The Royal Family
-ps: It is mandatory that you attend Mark, so no backing out."

"The fuck is this?" I muttered, having to remind myself that 'Juniper' was September.

"Dawn, what the everloving shit is the Grand Galloping Gala?" I scrolled him, rubbing my face.

"It's an old tradition of ours to host it; every five years we send scrolls and a pair of tickets to several hundred important ponies, inviting them here for a night of boring ass music and backroom politicking. Hopefully with all of the humans (I only left out o'Drake, but that's because of his fear of equines) attending, it won't be as dull as usual."

"So we're just mild amusement for you to get your rocks off?"

"Pretty much. Oh, and I wouldn't care if you brought your daughter along, even if there's only two tickets. Just smuggle her in as a flea or something." With that, the scroll-to-scroll contact was finished, leaving me thumbing my pen.

"Right..." I rubbed my forehead, looking at my Death guard aide. "Explain this thing in more detail, would you?" She nodded, clearing her throat a bit.

"Usually it's boring." She deadpanned. "Full of stuffy nobles, only a handful (as you put it) of which are decent conversation partners. The high point is the food and dancing, if you got a date."

"Usually, what makes you say that?"

"Last Gala, Twilight took the Elements of Harmony, and all Tartarus broke loose," she informed me as I pulled out yet another scroll from the Ministry of Military Affairs.

"Really," I would have to have a talk with AJ when I get home. "By chance, did you attend the last time it took place," I asked, ripping a document in half. I don't care what Blueblood thinks of the military, I won't let anymore budget cuts happen. They only get the bare minimum as it is, the next thing that's gonna go would have to be either the training grounds or the barracks.

Not on my fucking watch it won't.

"I would go, if I ever got a ticket," my guard sighed. "Might be boring, but it -is- the social event that everyone wants to go to at least once in their lives."

"Fuck me," I grumbled as I realized something important. Because our diet consisted mostly of pony food and MREs (and the occasional buzz boar), we human's were now incredibly healthy even though most of us smoked. To this end, most of us, including myself, had lost a lot of body fat (I was at like five percent... I needed to go to a bakery and eat the fuck out of some cupcakes or something.) and started bulking up muscle wise. This meant that I was going to need to see Rarity to get my dress uniform…

"Darling, I just heard the news…" Marshmallow said excitedly as she marched into my office with a shit load of fabrics and supplies floating along in her magic. The guards on either side of the door just shifted a bit so they wouldn't be beaned in the back of the head with bolts of cloth. "So are we going to be keeping with the theme this Gala," she asked while pulling the measuring tape from around her neck.

"What theme," I blinked in confusion for I was suddenly standing and Rarity was measuring my inseam. "And how did you find out I received tickets to the Gala?" I didn't even fucking know what the hell an inseam was.

"All the human's got tickets, silly," she smiled up from near my waist. Yeah, I keep forgetting she and Blake were now actually dating, instead of being fuck buddies. "As for the theme, the other troopers want to get dress uniforms to show off the different branches of the military…"

"Huh."

"So, Marine blues with a blood stripe on the trousers, yes?" Rarity questioned.

"Of course." I deadpanned, before shifting a bit. "How the hell did you get around the guards, anyway?"

She merely rolled her eyes before measuring my neck, almost strangling me with her measuring tape while smiling sweetly.

"All our dreams and our hopes, From now, until here-after..." the ponies sang as we marched towards the brightly lit palace. "All that we've been wishing for, will happen at the Gala… At the Gala… At the Gala… At the Gala!"

Oh for crying out loud… what the fuck is it with ponies and singing?

You know, I never touched on it because… well because it baffles the hell out of me. Anyhow there is a powerful magic that permeates the world of Equestria, one that is truly fucked up and has to be left over from Discord's time as ruler. It's called Song Magic and it is the most diabolical creation he ever came up with.

One simply concentrates on a song or musical tune, and the magic takes care of the rest. Say you normally couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, or maybe you were born tone-deaf… it doesn't matter here because Song Magic compensates for everything and can turn anyone into a temporary rock star.

What's worse is that should you need backup singers or instruments, the dam magic will again compensate by dragging nearby bystanders into the song with you. Hell they don't even need to know the song or have ever heard it before, again the magic compensates.

And fuck you to Pinkie, I know you of all ponies' takes way to much advantage of this magic. I can't tell you how many times she has dragged the entire population of Ponyville into one of her "Smile," songs.

Luckily, we humans are blessed with the ability to resist Song Magic. Not that it stops the song from happening, mind you, and leaves you surrounded by dancing happy ponies who do their best to drag you in. The Winter Wrap-Up is a good example of this controlled chaos.

But I digress…

"Fuck me…" I groaned. We… that is to say AJ, Big Mac, Judy, and myself… had just stepped from the carriage and onto the red carpet that led up to the front doors of Canterlot Palace. Waiting there for use was the rest of AJ's friends and their respected human mates. The singing I was just complaining about started when the six mares lined up side by side with the CMC in front of them, and began to trot down the red carpet. Needless to say that besides myself, Schmidt, Jonathan and Duffy, the rest of the human's let themselves be dragged into the magic as they followed their lovers towards the Gala.

"Well aren't you looking spiffy," I quipped to John-boy as he fell into step with me.

"Would War 1 army dress uniforms left a lot to be desired," he sighed, taking his eyes off his herd to glancing down at his knee high leather boots, and the Sam Browne belt with matching shoulder strap. "But luckily the Motorized Messenger Service was considered to be part of the Calvary, so I at least got this nifty leather cowboy duster instead of a woolen trench coat."

"If it's one thing both world wars taught us," I smiled. "Is that when it came to cool looking uniforms, the Germans had us beat each time."

John-boy paused long enough to look at the man just to my right. Schmidt was dressed head to toe in SS basic black with silver trim and polished jack-boots. He did however leave his swastika at home and in its place was the insignia for Dawn's Death Guard on his left bicep, the hourglass and human skull.

When and where did he get one of those? I want one!

"You're right, definitely a much… cooler looking uniform," the teen nodded, still not used to some of the new urban slang. "And a lot scarier."

"Thank you my dear boy," Helm smiled, clapping his gloved hands behind his back as we marched along. "I do believe that was the original intent; to intimidate the shit out of people and looking good while doing it."

I just laughed and followed our singing mares up to the front doors of the palace.

To enter the Gala, one had to climb a curved staircase and step through a large double door, walk down a short hall and wait at the top of another staircase until you were announced, where upon you could descend down into the grand ballroom.

At first I thought it was rather redundant to climb up a level, just to climb back down to the ground floor… that was until I saw the Ballroom. Bright lights danced off the intricate crystal chandeliers and reflected of polished marble floor while fancy dressed ponies and humans gathered in small groups to talk or reminisce about Gala's of the past. The sight was truly breath taking.

And standing on a landing halfway down the stairs, greeting each and every pony as they passed, were Princess Celestia and her sister, Princess Luna.

Sunbutt was wearing a long gown of white silk that was trimmed in gold and had purple gemstones hanging from the hemline. The dress must have been enchanted (again, fucking magic) for it glowed ever so softly. While pretty Luna was in a layered gown of blue sequins that sparkled like a sea of stars, while the lower layers mimicked clouds drifting through the night sky.

So with their wing's extended and mane flowing off to one side, they really did look like regal Princesses.

"Princess Celestia, Princess Luna," Twilight bounded over to them excitedly, and pressed herself against Sunbutt's forelegs.

"Hello Princess Twilight, my most faithful student…" she mused as she leaned down to nuzzle the purple alicorn.

Oh yeah, did I fail to mention that Sparklebutt became a real life princess over the summer? Well if I didn't here's why. Over the summer we humble residents of Ponyville had some exciting adventures. Let's see… we had a few new humans join the party, Babs Seed joined the CMC (don't know if she joined John's herd or not), Discord became friends with Fluttershy and Doc (who thought Discord's antics were hilarious), a few new vehicles appeared with appropriate operators, and Twilight defeated and befriended her mortal enemy, Trixie.

But the biggest part was Twi becoming a princess after an old book belonging to Starswirl The Bearded fucked with everyone's cutie mark talent. During which over half of my recorded logs were destroyed when AJ tried to make a dress out of my laptop… hence the big jump from the hoard of Pinkies, to now.

Anywho, even after becoming a Princess, Twilight insisted that Celestia keep referring to her as her student for there was still a lot to be learned from old Sunbutt. As for Trixie, she and Tobias found new jobs, ones that they are quite proud of and happy to fulfill. Trixie Lulamoon, and our NASA guy are now Nightmare Moon's personal assistants.

By the by, with Twi now a Princess, that makes Schmidt an honorary Prince… and seeing as how he is my grandfather, that makes me a Lord and AJ a Lady of the court. That's right, Granny, Judy, Mac, and all the rest at Sweet Apple Acres are now Minor Nobility to the court of Canterlot. It also means that John-boy was now in a herd with three noble fillies… so to keep things on the up 'n' up, Celestia made Sweetie Belle and Rarity Ladies of the court as well. Which means that Blake was officially a Lord.

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon nearly had a mental breakdown when they figured it out.

But I seem to have gotten off track, so back to the Gala.

"Good evening Celestia," I said as I joined her on the landing. "You have anything fun planned to liven up this year's Gala by chance?"

"I have no clue what she's up …to…"

At the slip, I found all my attention drawn to the Princess of the sun, and as she began to whither under my gaze, I suddenly took note that her muzzle was a little thicker than it used to be and that her jaw line was a little more squared. "…Max…" I suddenly blurted as I realized just who I was standing next to.

"Ssssshh…" he shushed me as he frantically looked about, trying to see if anyone had overheard me. "Please, not so loud."

"What the hell man," I quietly demanded. You know, Max looks so much like Celestia in pony form that, if he hadn't slipped up, I probably wouldn't have noticed. "Why are you dressed in a dress, and where is Sunbutt?"

"I'm covering for Celestia," Max sighed with a roll of his eyes. "She and Luna had a few last minute things to do before they could make it to the Gala."

"She AND Luna?" my attention snapped over to the smaller blue alicorn. "Not you to Jeremy," me right hand wanted so desperately to make love to my face. "What the fuck, I thought Max was the only one pussy whipped around here."

"I'm not whipped," Jeremy/Luna hissed, speaking for the first time. Unlike Max, he hadn't quite nailed down the whole changing his voice to fit his pony form. "I'll have you know that in my case, I lost a …bet..."

"What kind of bet?" I had to ask.

"He and Luna did a one on one slayer match in HALO and she mopped the floor with his ass," Max said with a smile.

"It wasn't that bad!"

"Oh really," the male Sunbutt scoffed. "And what was the score again?"

"…"

"I didn't quite catch that," I moved a bit closer to the mumbling PFC.

"25 to 3…" he grumbled, his ears now laying flat against his head.

Luckily for him more guests had arrived so he pretended not to notice my laughter while Max greeted the ponies. "By the by," the ex Master Sergeant said once we had a moment to ourselves. "Dawn is waiting for you in his office, something about getting to the bottom of the budget cuts…"

"Thank you Celestia, I will head there now," I bowed slightly, mostly to impress the next group of ponies, before heading off to find AJ and fill her in.

You know, I wonder just what the real Luna and Celestia were doing.

Meanwhile, 2 floors up in the Palace's game room.

"Shit, I hear crying," Luna warned as she used a shotgun to pop a zombie's head. "Quick, turn off your flashlight!"

"By the Queen Mother," Celestia gripped as she rounded a corner. "You won't believe this, but the Witch is sitting in front of the safe house door."

"WHAT," Lulu screeched as she spun around in surprise. Sure enough, softly weeping before the entrance to the Tunnel 'O' Love, was a Witch. "Fuck me…"

"Yo, Dawn! Are you going to make an appearance at the Gala or what?" I called as I pushed open the door to his office, however I had to pause at the sight before me. A very sullen Dawn was at his desk with an open bottle of whiskey, his eyes locked on a painting he usually kept covered, slowly nursing a tumbler filled with three rocks, two fingers, and a splash.

For toughs of you not in the know, when talking alcohol, "on the rocks" means adding ice cubes to a drink. And two fingers equal an inch to an inch and a half of alcohol in a glass. A splash of water is just used to cut the bite down on whatever you're drinking.

"Dude, you feeling okay?" I asked as I ventured up to his desk.

"Yeah… just a little depressed," he let out a sigh as he set his glass down and filled a second glass for me.

"You don't say," I was trying to not come off sounding sarcastic while reaching for my drink… maybe I should start taking kindness lessons from Shy. "Sorry," I flinched and took a seat. "So what's got you in such a funk?"

He was silent for a moment longer before nodding towards the large painting. The painting itself was 4 foot wide by 4 foot tall and showed 4 alicorns. Celestia and Luna where in the background, while little dawn and a much larger female knelt in the foreground. "Did you know I had a sister…"

Well that came straight out of left field. "Not really, no," I said as I suddenly became a lot more interested in the painting. The grass green mare with golden flowing mane was the size of Celestia, but with larger eyes and slightly smaller horn. "However to say 'Had' instead of 'Have' implies that she isn't around anymore."

"She disappeared just after the defeat of Discord, the first time." The glass was again in his hoof and he was slowly twirling the drink. "While Celestia and Luna took care of rebuilding the lives of the ponies and I handled the dead, she left to breathe life back into the lands around Equestria."

"Breathe life -back- into the land?"

"While I am the Alicorn of death," he elaborated. "My sister, Demeter, was the Alicorn of life."

"Demeter?" it only took a second to remember that name. "Oh, Mother Nature…"

"Anyhow," Dawn rolled his eyes. "She left to fix the lands so that ponies would have fresh food, clean water, and… and she just disappeared."

"I see," I nodded as I watched him down his drink. "So why are you only now getting depressed?"

"I… I get this way whenever the Grand Galloping Gala rolls around," he sighed while capping the bottle and slipping it into the bottom drawer of his desk. "Demeter originally started the GGG as a celebration of the harvest… so…"

"So it reminds you of your missing sister," I now understood his sadness and why he was looking for comfort in the bottle. But now there were other questions as well. "Please don't take this the wrong way, but if the GGG was meant to celebrate the harvest, then why only hold it ever 5 years?"

"We stopped holding the yearly Gala after Luna became Nightmare moon, it was just too much for Celestia to take after the loss of her sister." He said while using his magnets to slip into his military dress uniform. "About a hundred years later, Celestia decided to rekindle the Gala but, but she wanted to use it as a political event, a way to gather the nobles and find out what was happening around the kingdom."

"Did you mind that she turned something your sister created into… what's going on downstairs?"

"Celly had a good idea, a way to gather the nobles willingly in one spot and remind them that she was watching and was still in charge… plus it was an excellent excuse to bring back the Gala," he stated while straitening his cap. "And while it reminds me of Demeter and brings my heart pain, it only happens every 5 years, and I can live with that."

After downing my own glass, we headed together down to the grand ballroom to hob-knob with the nobles, and while we were at it, spread gossip that would hopefully stop Blueblood from cutting the military funding any farther.

Bastard really needs the stick up his ass removed.

So the evening went, speaking with the gentry and sneaking a dance with AJ once and a while. Yeah, you heard right, I said dance. Regardless of what you fucker's think, I can dance… and it only took me two weeks of free massages for Rarity to teach me how.

Speaking of which, despite what you might think, ponies don't just bump their chests to a rhythm and call it dancing. There's a lot of choreographed movement to a waltz so you don't bump into other dancers. And quite a few ponies dance while standing on their hind legs, using each other for balance.

Anyhow, so the night wore on. Gossiping nobles whispering secrets about each other while sipping punch or eating little sandwiches while trying to out-impress each other. It was boring as shit… until someone spiked the punch. I'll not name names, but I saw you sneaking vodka to the punch bowl Miss Sunshine.

However, it was around 11:00 that night when things really took a turn. I had just finished a slow dance with AJ, her forelegs wrapped tightly around my waist, her head pressed into my belly as we slowly swayed... er…

Anyhow, we had just stepped out for some fresh air when I heard the sound of an electric bass guitar cry out and we both saw lights coming from the far side of the hedge-maze. "Good Evening Canterlot!" Anon's booming voice called out as we made our way around the hedge and… and found the entire statue garden packed with all us humans and the off duty castle guards.

When the hell had they snuck out from the gala and why didn't I notice?

"Greetings to all! We would like to welcome you to a special part of the Grand Galloping Gala," Luna said as she stepped out onto the stage. "While the party inside is meant for the nobility of Equestria, who wouldn't know fun if it slapped them on the cutie mark!" Laughter spread through the crowd.

"We however, gather here to celebrate you, the stallion's, the mare's and the human's who keep Equestria safe!" As she spoke, Luna's form began to shift into that of Nightmare Moon, yet at the same moment the real Moon stepped out onto the stage. Together the now twin sisters of the night pointed their horn's skyward and fired off a few magical fireworks. "Now let the celebrations commence!"

To my astonishment Anon, Jeremy and Max stepped forward as the guitar in Max's hands began to moan an all too familiar tune and in my voice, Anon began to sing… chills galloped up my spine.

"A company, Always on the run… A destiny, It's the rising sun… I was born, A shotgun in my hands… Behind the gun, I'll make my final stand… And that's why they call me!"

And for once, as the most powerful magic in Equestria, Song Magic, wove its way through the crowd, I let myself be carried along by it as the entire garden erupted with "Bad Company, I can't deny… Bad Bad Company till the day I die… Until the day I die… Until the day I die!"

It was rather refreshing to hear ponies singing a more modern tune and yeah, I kept up through the entire song. I don't know who was more impressed, Applejack or myself.

"Next up, I'd like Applejack, Big Mac, and Judy to join me on the stage," Max called out as he took the center spotlight.

"We don't need to keep wearin’ these fancy duds, do we," My loving farm mare called back as the Apple's made their way to the stage. To my utter surprise, after Max said "Nope," both AJ and Mac tore off their clothes. Instantly AJ's hair was back in a pony tail and her cowgirl hat was back, and Mac was once again in his harness. Where in the absolute fuck did it come from?

"This next song is for all of us who come from more simple upbringings, a tribute to us small town folk," Max smiled before whispering to toughs now gathered on stage. As I watched, AJ pulled her banjo and began to accompany Max

And yes, Applejack does plays the banjo, and the ever quiet Mac can sing… now let me get back to the fucking story!

"I feel no shame, I'm proud of where I came from, I was born and raised in the boondocks… One thing I know, No matter where I go, I keep my heart and soul, In the boondocks…" Max started off before the others joined in. "I can feel that, Muddy water runnin' through my veins, I can hear that, lullaby of the midnight train, And it sings to me and sounds familiar…"

There were more songs sung, some received better than others, but I really don't want to go into them all. Though I will say that quite a few songs were aimed at the females in attendance, hell they made up over 2/3rds of the palace guards.

Like the StormTroopers from Star Wars, the armor of the palace guard was enchanted to make all the guards look uniform. The Pegusi were all white, the Unicorns all gray, the Earth ponies all brown and the Night and Death looked like deep blue vampires… and all looked male. It was meant originally to hide the fact that the male population was on a decline from any enemies the crown might have.

That and to protect the identity of the guards from any reprisal for doing their job.

Anyhow, needless to say that the next hour and a half went by in a happy blur. So much so that I hadn't realized that Celestia and a whole host of the now drunk nobility had joined at some point and was enjoying themselves. "You'll be happy to know that all of the financial records from the Ministry of Military Affairs and BlueBlood's own personal records are at this moment, being audited." She had to almost scream this bit of good news so I could hear it over the music.

"About fucking time," I called back. "And if it shows what Dawn and I suspect?"

"If he is indeed embezzling from the war coffers as you believe," she moved closer so no one else could overhear. "Then he will be removed from office and made to pay every last Bit and Coin back…" she stated as a wicked smile flashed across her face before adding, "…out of his own pockets, as you like to say."

"Thank the Queen Mother for small miracles!"

Yeah, thank Faust…

"Not that there was a real hoot of a Gala," AJ said as the whole lot of us stepped through the farm house's front door, waking Granny as we did. "Shucks, Ah'm sorry Granny, Ah didn't know Yah was sleeping in Yahr rocking chair."

"Oh, Ah went sleeping none, just rest'n mah eyes a spell," the older mare smiled. "So how did that there fancy shindig go?"

"It was a blast Granny," Judy said as she crossed the living room to embrace the older mare. "We sold out the stand and made a hefty profit."

"Eeeyup!" the big red pony added before pulling a sack of coins out of his magic pocket and depositing it in the table next to Granny's rocker.

"And thanks for looking after Spice," Hanna's Pilot said after she broke the hug. "She wasn't any trouble was she?"

"None at all, she fell asleep early and hasn't made a peep." Granny said before giving Judy a gentle push towards the stairs. "Now you two go n check on your youg'n, then it's straight to bed. You and Big Mac have a full day tomorrow fly'n saplings to Appleloosa."

"Shit, I completely forgot," Judy pinched the bridge of her nose as she gave out a sigh.

"How many are you transporting?" I inquired, only now remembering that Judy had requested the use of our one and only C-5 galaxy.

"Three hundred apple tree saplings…" Granny informed me. "Everything from the south 40."

"Holy shit, did something happen to their orchard?"

"Naw, Chief Thunderhoof has agreed to lend Appleloosa more farming land in exchange for more pies," AJ reminded me. "Cousin Braeburn just wants to get a head start on next year."

"Funny, I wonder how I forgot about all of this…"

"Well, you have had a lot on your mind as of late," Applejack smiled as she brushed against me.

"All this is fascinating and all," yawned Bloom as she and the rest of the CMC marched past and headed for the stairs. "But we're plum tuckered out and need to get to bed."

"Yeah," Scoots, Sweetie and John-boy agreed as they passed.

"Hold it right there," I grabbed John by the collar of his dress uniform. "And just where do you think you're going?"

"Upstairs to bed…" he started to imply but I stopped him.

"Oh no you don't," I grumbled as I turned him and pointed towards the sofa. "You sleep…"

"Mark, let the boy go," Granny suddenly stepped in and pulled the teen away from me.

"But Granny, he shouldn't be sleeping in the same room as Bloom and the others, what if something was to happen," AJ interjected.

"If it happens, then at lest he will be with his herd," the elder mare said as she pushed John-boy towards the fillies waiting at the base of the stairs.

"But he ain't taken the vows yet…" Applejack began to protest, and I was about to agree.

"Neither have you 'n' Mark," there was a sly smile on Granny's muzzle as she turned and glanced at the two of us. Surprisingly, that shut us both up. "Now than, before yah two head of to bed, Ah need to speak to Mark, alone."

"Don't take too long, I'll be waiting," AJ smiled up at me before heading upstairs.

"Ok, Granny, What…" I turned to give the matriarch of the Apple family, but all I saw was her tail heading out the front door. "Ummm, Granny," I asked as I followed her outside, yet it wasn't until we got out to the barn that she finally spoke.

"Ah know why Applejack gets so uppity about John and Apple Bloom," she said as she paused before the smiling face of Pinkie, still painted on the side of the barn. "But why do yah?"

"Wait," I blinked in disbelief. "We came all the way out here to talk about under-aged sex?"

"No, Ah asked yah out here to talk," she looked to me, and I couldn't help but feel that I had just been chastised for back talking. "The young'ns are just one of the things Ah wish to talk about."

"Oh…" I did my best to calm down.

"So are yah going to answer or not?"

"The kids are just too young to be screwing around," I said as I leaned against the barn. "They need time to grow up, time to experience life before…"

"Mark," she cut me off, her all knowing eyes still watching me. "Ah meant the real reason."

I stood there for a long while before I could finally answer her. "I know you raised Apple Bloom after her folks died, but I can't help but think of her as my family, my little sister. It doesn't help that I left behind my actual sister, who's only nine. She acted just like AB does, and it's hard to tell the difference sometimes." I confessed. "So I happen to get a little overprotective when it comes to her and boys, and sex."

"I have noticed, and I appreciate the help," Granny nodded. "But before you get too overprotective, you might want to remember that boy signed a marriage contract… John has more right to be with those girls, than you do to keep him from them."

"I know…" I said as we stood under the stars.

"So how did Dawn handle the Gala," she asked after a slightly longer pause. "I bet he spent most of it in his office getting drunk."

"At first maybe, but we had to find out if Blueblood was…" You know that old saying about how the hairs on the back of someone's neck would stand up just before all hell would break loose? Yeah… and I just realized that Granny had lost her southern accent. Slowly I turned and, if this were a cartoon, I would have had to pick my jaw up off the ground.

"Are you okay Mark? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Ah think Ah have," I muttered for standing before me was a grass green mare alicorn with golden flowing mane. She stood about the same size as Celestia, but with larger orange eyes and slightly smaller horn. Standing before me was Demeter, Dawn's long lost sister. "How…"

"The Apple Family has been around for a long time and holds a lot of secrets," she gave me that knowing smile of hers and all at once it hit me. All those times she seemed to know what was going to happen before it did, seemed to know what we were thinking before we said anything… "Are you ready to learn the biggest one?"

"Ah think Ah jus' did," I'm not going to lie, my mind was having trouble wrapping my head around all this. "Who else knows yer really a… an alicorn princess an' not some dodderin' ol' nag? No 'fence."

"Only a few of the older family members, like Apple Rose, and Goldie Delicious," she said as she stepped up next to me and gazed at the painting on the side of the barn. "Applejack's parents knew, and when they passed, the secret passed on to Big Mac."

"What about AJ or Bloom?" But she just shook her head slowly. "So mind if I ask why you're here, instead of in Canterlot, and how you've stayed hidden for so long?"

"After the defeat of Discord, I traveled the world fixing all the damage his chaos had done. However after I was done, I learned that I couldn't go back…" She said, but I already knew most of that. "See, my powers had grown so much over time that should Dawn and I ever come together for too long, we would cancel each other out."

"Cancel each ot're out, how?" I asked.

"I am the alicorn of life, while my brother is the alicorn of death," she informed me. "Imagine a world where nothing grows, no trees, no crops, and no young… yet at the same time no pony dies, not from sickness, or age, they just continue to exist until time itself ends."

"Fuck…"

"Dawn and I were so close as siblings that I knew he wouldn't care… So, for the good of all life on earth, I went into hiding." She was speaking softly as she watched the stars shimmer over our heads. "I have lived quietly these past few thousand years as a different member of the Apple clan, I would live with one family until it came time to fake my death, then I would rejoin another family as a filly, a cousin from another part of the clan, and start all over."

"But this time, before ya could fake yer death, Ma an' Pa Apple died and yah had ta stay on an' raise Mac, AJ, and Bloom," I finished for her as everything fell into place.

"I stayed on to raise Big Mac and Applejack," she corrected me as her horn began to glow.

"Oh, well in…" my brain suddenly slammed on the brakes and I thought I heard glass braking. "AJ an' Mac, but what 'bout Bloom?"

"That's a secret that Applejack will have to answer on her own time," Demeter shrugged as she lowered her horn at me.

"Granny, what are ya plannin' on doin', and why am Ah suddenly really nervous?"

"I'm going to cast a spell that will affect all humans, allowing them to breed with ponies this upcoming estrus season. However, I need a human to cast the spell through so that it works, kind of like a catalyst…"

"Oh, fuck me…"

"On the bright side," she gave me a wink as her horn got brighter. "You won't remember any of this in the morning."

"Holy shit," I exclaimed as I suddenly sat up, my heart racing and sweat dripping down my face. Glancing around, I found I was in bed with AJ who was still fast asleep. According to my watch it was almost 9 in the morning, hell what happened last… Oh yeah, the Gala. Fuck me, how late did we stay out?

Author's Note

I'm pretty sure I won't get gutted for having partial lyrics in this, since its not flat out shoving entire songs in here. Right? :twilightsheepish:

GGG Part 2 Electric Boogaloo

From the personal journal of Apple Durnkinscoff

Journal entry #132

Before I begin, I would like to point out that the Grand Galloping Gala is an event meant strictly for stuck-up, snobbish adults, and not for anypony of my age. So the fact that the CMC (the Cutie Mark Crusaders) had been invited to said event was like giving Pinkie a live grenade and waiting for the fireworks.

I may be young, but even I knew this was a bad idea. However, the three fillies are in a herd with Jonathan and all human's had been ordered to attend, so they too had received golden tickets. Now I'm not sure who is in charge of sending out the golden tickets, but you would think that somepony in the brain trust would realize that you shouldn't send out the invites to the biggest social event of all social events, by magic, in the middle of the afternoon… to a school house!

Needless to say, the young fillies and colts (plus Johnathan and Major for some reason) of Ponyville were in the middle of class when a scroll baring the royal seal flashed into existence and fell into Duran's lap, closely followed by another one falling into Major’s. And of course, being children and wanting any excuse for a distraction from class work, we all turned and watched the two open their scrolls, something falling into Major's lap.

When Rick asked our teacher what the Grand Galloping Gala was, she explained to the confused Master Sergeant about the social gathering of Pony elite held every 5 years and then asked why he wanted to know. "Because I just received two tickets," he said as he held them up… and Cheerilee nearly fainted.

It was then, as we all giggled and snickered over our teacher's antics, that another scroll appeared and dropped onto John's desk. And the room went silent.

"Dear Mr. Apple," John began to read. "You and your herd are hereby invited to the Grand Galloping Gala! As you may know, this grand event only takes place every 5 years. To be invited is an honor only presented to 200 ponies (or otherwise)! Princess Celestia and Princess Luna with be on hoof to greet guests between 5:00 and 7:00pm. Enclosed you will find four tickets to the GGG, and we hope to see you up at the Canterlot Palace on the eleventh of Juniper!

-The Royal Family

-ps: The attendance of the human military force is mandatory."

"GhArgggg!" Diamond Tiara suddenly exclaimed as she fell out of her seat and onto the floor. Her eyes had rolled up into the back of her head as she began to foam at the mouth…

And pandemonium erupted in the classroom!

Needless to say that there was no way Cheerilee or Rick could possibly control the small riot that erupted, so our teacher call the rest of the day a free period and sent us out to the playground. As for Tiara, Rick had to rush her to nurse Red Heart in fear that the little tyrant may have had a stroke. No such luck though, she was up and about the next day, and as nasty as ever.

Getting back to the Gala…

Over the next few weeks Rarity was happily inundated by every human/pony couple, all asking for new outfits for this grand event. Meanwhile I was content with knowing that I would be riding this one out safely back at the farm house. However, my dad had other ideas. Fact was, I had no clue I was going until Marshmallow-Butt arrived at the farm to do a final fitting. By Celestia, I should have known something was up when Mark said I had to stay and watch.

Okay, first up were Big Mac and Judy. The big stallion of the family settled on a standard black tux with deep grey vest. His reasoning for such a plain outfit was that he wanted Judy to be the real focus. And was she ever. I'm still not sure who Jessica Rabbit is, but Judy really stood out in her body hugging, red sequenced cocktail dress. The dress was split up to her right hip and made her breasts look huge. Mac started to drool.

And so it went. Applejack got a special dress that had a hidden extra hemline that she could drop and cover her legs if she decided to dance as a human. Mark had his old dress blues cleaned up and re-sized, he also sported several new medals on his chest. The CMC received dresses based on the ones from Shining Armor's and Princess Cadence's wedding. While the design for Sweetie Belle's, Scootaloo's, and Apple Bloom's dresses were the same, they differed in color and yet complemented each other.

Thinking the worst was over, I decided to head up to my room… when everything went black and I heard Rarity giggle. The next thing I knew, I was standing stock still in the middle of the living room with everybody looking at me.

"Oh she looks absolutely darling," Rarity beamed before glancing back to Mark. "I told you that it would work."

"You were right," my dad smiled his approval while the rest of the family nodded happily. "Black and blue are her colors." No! Oh Celestia no… please don't tell me that they're going to make me go to that dammed Gala…

Looking down, I gasped in shock for I found myself in a layered flowing gown made from deliciously soft, electric blue crushed velvet and sumptuous embroidered taffeta. The taffeta had tiny gems and sequins stitched throughout giving it a truly magical feel. It had a corset style lacing to the front bodice and an open back for my wings that made it easier to adjust. The caller wasn't too high but blended beautify with a lace choker, while the detached lace sleeves ended in gossamer ruffled cuffs. All the lacing and hemming were done in black velvet and to top it all off, somewhere they had found me a pair of polished black army boots and black n white striped pantyhose stockings… I must admit, I looked gorgeous…

… I can't believe I just said that…

So there I was two days later, standing quietly between Mark and AJ as Dad glowered down at the pony who was working the door. "B..b..but I'm s-sorry sir, you only have two tickets," he stammered. "S-so one of you will have to wait... outside..."

"Then the tickets are for my wife and daughter," dad growled, unintentionally flexing his hands as he gazed down at the cowering pony. I half expected the poor stallion to wet himself as Mark flashed him the scroll with Dawn's seal on it. "But you will be the one explaining to the Prince why I had to spend the entire evening over at Donut Joe's."

Actually from the way my father tasted, that was where he really wanted to be. Nothing like spending the entire Gala eating donuts and sipping coffee while talking with old Joe, now that Equestria had real coffee. Luckily, to my mother's joy and my father's horror, the door pony wised up and let us all through.

However, it is here that I must reiterate that the Grand Galloping Gala was never intended for foals of any age. So I wasn't surprised when just after greeting a funny tasting Celestia and Luna, that the three tikes of terror grabbed John and disappeared into the crowd. And with dad and mom occupied, I decided to follow where the fun was going to be.

When I say fun what I really mean is a total lack of boredom. If it's one thing the CMC excels at, it's a form of controlled chaos that borders on self destruction. In any case it means that wherever those three fillies go as a team, you can be assured that danger and excitement are waiting just around the corner. Just around that corner and past a gathering of cackling noble mares, Jonathan paused long enough to say hello to Cepeda and his mate, Soarin, who in turn introduced the ecstatic fillies to the rest of the Wonderbolts crew.

While both Soarin and Stephen are male, and the idea that they like to ride each other seems to cause a bit of apprehension among the humans, I will point out that ponies don't have the same social hang-ups over same sex couples as humans do. The fact that most ponies are raised to be bisexual due to the lopsided gender populous, 1 male for every 5 to 10 females, and you get a society of rather open-minded ponies when it comes to sex.

It is at this point that I would like to point out that even though Jonathan was born before World War 1, and into a strict Baptist family, that for the most part he seemed okay with Soarin and Stephen. So the wave of anxiety that suddenly washed over him at meeting the mates had me concerned. It wasn't until I got a better glimpse of the situation, that I understood John's nervousness.

All the Wonderbolts had shown up in their trademark blue and yellow flight suits and so really stood out in the crowd. Flight suits, that I will remind you, are fur/skin tight to reduce drag while flying. And seeing as how Stephen was now an official Wonderbolt, he too was sporting a fur/skin tight suit of his own. To the chagrin of John-boy and the delight of Soarin, while the flight-suit was magically enchanted to hide a male's… package, it did little to hide the impressive wedgie that had crawled up into Cepeda's ass. Even I was under the first impression that Stephen's outfit had been painted on, instead of being an actual flight suit. It didn’t seem like any of the ponies present even noticed, so I didn’t say anything myself.

Anyhow, after getting a few autographs, the CMC were once again on the move and Rainbow Dash had taken their place. Once again I decided to follow at a discreet distance as the little terror troop wandered about the party. Right off the bat I thought they were actually mingling with some of the snobs and being on their best behavior, not something one would expect from three farm town fillies, yet they were doing just that. I just couldn't believe my eyes. Together the CMC slowly walked along, not trotting or stampeding, but an actual dignified walk.

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Bell and Scootaloo, stopped at each of the gossiping hen parties (and if you don't know what that is, ask an older male relative), greeting and holding brief conversations with the upper-crust of pony society, before calmly drifting off towards another. This had to be a trick, or some fucked up shift in reality. In all the time I had lived in Ponyville, never once had I witnessed the ball of energy that was Scootaloo ever acting so calm and distinguished.

An idea had struck while I was quietly moving through the Gala that Scoots was the adopted daughter of Princess Twilight Sparkle. And as such, Twilight would have taught her some etiquette… probably by force and a shoehorn. Of cores Rarity could have been to blame as well. Last thing she would want is her little sister and friends running about the Gala in one of her hoof-made dresses, while wreaking havoc.

Or this was all just a ploy of some kind and the girls were planning something… that last choice seemed vastly more plausible.

After an hour of watching John and his herd mingle with the nobles, I had almost started to believe they had no alternative motives, when they up and disappeared. Okay, they really didn't vanish, they just ducked out a side door when no pony was looking. Realizing they had given me the slip, I darted out into the garden and froze. Seems that my quarry had blundered out the doors and right into the path of Celestia herself.

"Princess Celestia," Scootaloo gasped as she and the other fillies skidded to a stop and bowed, while Jonathan simply stood and gave a friendly wave.

"Oh honestly young Scootaloo…" the sun princess rolled her eyes before addressing the groveling ponies. "How many times must I remind you that a princess needn't bow to another princess?"

"Oh yeah," the little pegasus stood. "Sorry about that Princess Celestia…"

"And again I remind you."

"Sorry Aunty Celestia…"

"And that goes for the rest of you." Miss Sunbutt gave a sweet smile before shifting her gaze to the others. "My sisters and I have never stood on ceremony when it comes to family, and you three are part of our family now. So rise and address me as such." Yeah, right.

"Yes Aunty Celestia," Bloom and Sweetie nodded happily.

"There, isn't that better?"

"Yes Aunty," the CMC were all smiles now as they beamed up at the tall alicorn.

"Now that's settled, where pray tell are you four off to in such a hurry?" she asked while giving them each a knowing look.

"Ummm, do you want the truth," I watched Sweetie hesitantly question. "Or a harmless white lie that won't get us into trouble?"

"Your choice," Celestia tilted her head and waited.

"Ah guess it's truth then," Bloom sighed.

"We were hoping to secretly slip away from the party long enough to visit Xerox, the copy pony Mark was talkin’ about," Sweetie divulged, poking at the ground with a hoof. At that point I felt justified in shadowing the three mini mares of mischief.

"You do realize that he lives within The School for Gifted Unicorns, that means the lot of you would have to leave the Palace grounds to accomplish your task." The Sun Princess stated as she shifted her gaze to the human teen. "And once outside the front gates, you wouldn't be able to return."

"But we…" Sweetie spoke up.

"However, if you were to use Twilight's secret door, a passage between the palace and the school," Celestia flashed as she flashed an impish smile. "Perhaps than, you're endeavors can remain covert?"

"Mom has her own secret door?" Scoots ears perked up.

"Indeed," Celestia turned and strode towards a pair of Luna's Night Guards. "You there, what be your names?"

"Corporal Night Wing," the first snapped to attention.

"Master Sergeant Dante, your majesty," the other saluted. Why do I feel those two have an odd destiny?

Anyhow, Celestia carried on, "I know I am not the one you swore your allegiance to, but I have need of your services."

"Then we are yours to command," both bat-ponies bowed.

"Corporal, I request that you accompany these young ones on their quest to visit Xerox," Celestia stated as she nodded to the CMC.

"By your command." I bet dad felt a shiver in the time-travelers' force on that response… damn Cylon ponies!

"As for you," I watched as she turned towards the Master Sergeant. "I have a special request that I'm sure you will enjoy."

Before long the group had made it to what I assumed was the tower that Twilight had lived in before moving to Golden Oaks Library. After seeing it first hoof, I couldn't help but wonder why she would willingly give up the posh abode, for a home in Ponyville… but then I remembered Applejack and the other members of Harmony, and it kind of made sense. Anyhow, we finally came to a stop along the wall, just past the tower, next to a small pond. It was here that Celestia used her magic to reveal a hidden doorway that connected the School for Gifted Unicorns and the palace.

"It is here that we must leave you," the princess said as she bent her neck to nuzzle Scootaloo. "Do try to stay out of trouble little one."

"But Aunty, where's the fun in that," she giggled.

"I don't know about trouble," Jonathan stepped up for the first time. "But I will do my best to protect her."

"See that you do Mr. Apple," Celestia nodded. "Now if you will excuse us, Dante and I are needed elsewhere." I found out later that Dante and a few choice guards were sent to place Blueblood under house arrest until some audit was made… need to ask dad about that one I guess.

After a quick goodbye the CMC were off once again, only this time it was across the campus of the most elite learning institution in Equestria. Following the instructions Celestia gave before she left, the CMC made their way to an unmarked door at the back of the school. The door opened up to a set of stairs that led deep under the building, past the janitor's office and the 3 massive furnaces, to a lonely door at the end of a dark hallway.

"By the queen mother, do you know what time it is," an off gray and very pissed off stallion, who looked like he hadn't seen the sun in years, poked his head out after several minutes of intense knocking. However after seeing the CMC and a Night Guard, he seemed to smarten up and ask, "errr…Yes, may I help you?"

"Sir, we are looking for Professor Xerox," the Night Guard stepped forward. "Are you him?"

"Y-yes?" the pour stallion was now utterly confused, and who could blame him?

"I am under orders by Princess Celestia to escort these nobles," Night Wing said with a wave of a wing. "They wish an audience with you."

"Nobles," Xerox again glanced at the girls and at John. "Are you sure?"

"I'm Princess Scootaloo, daughter of Princess Twilight Sparkle. To my right is Lady Sweetie Belle and Lady Apple Bloom," Scoots announced before suddenly turning towards the shadows I was hiding in. "And over there is Lady Apple Durnkinscoff, daughter of General Mark Durnkinscoff." Holy hell! Instantly my jaw hit the floor as the shocked guard spun to see where Scoots was pointing to, at me!

After a moment of disbelief, I stepped from the darkness and reluctantly joined the group… And seeing as how I had previously met the Professor while accompanying my dad on one of his many trips to Canterlot, the stallion recognized me and finally opened the door. Great, I was no longer an observer, now I was an accomplice to whatever the CMC had up their sleeves.

Up their sleeves… damn, I've been hanging around dad too much.

So we all entered the office and living establishment of Xerox. As we did, Night Wind took off his helmet and to the wonderment of everyone but me, shifted back into a mare. What can I say, I don't care how enchanted the royal guard's armor is, the emotions of a female taste different than that of a male… trust me on this one.

The lair of Xerox the copy pony was a one room hole in the wall that held a work desk, several shelves, a cot, a small fridge, hot plate, and a bathroom. That was it, no pictures on the walls, no rugs, not even a pillow for his cot. I can't say what this guy's pay was, but I know for sure he wasn't dirt poor. I guess he just likes to live that way.

Anyhow, while Scootaloo and John talked to the Professor, I slipped up to Apple Bloom to ask a nagging question. "So, how long have you guys known I was following you?"

"We've known since the autograph session with the Wonderbolts," Sweetie giggled.

"Yeah, yah were kinda obvious," Bloom nodded in agreement.

"But how, I'm a changeling for gods sake?"

"Three months ago we asked Mr. Schmidt to train us in espionage," Sweetie gave a shrug. "We were hoping to get our cutie marks in covert surveillance."

"We wanted to be spies," Bloom gave out a sigh as she slowly shook her head. "After 4 weeks of hard training… nothing."

"But the training stuck," Sweetie shrugged, "Just like all the other training we've done over the years."

Before I could inquire as to what types of training, Scoots had rejoined us. "Good news, he said he would do it," she said enthusiastically. And as I looked on, the three of them bounded over to the nearby work desk and began unloading their dimensional pockets. At first I didn't really care what they were getting copied, I mean, what could three teenage fillies want so bad that they needed multiples of it?

That was until I glanced up and saw the unmistakable barrel of a Browning M2 .50 caliber heavy machine gun.

"No," I simply said as I began slowly backing away. "No no no…"

"Ah knew this were goin' to happen," Bloom groaned out once the last of the gun was on the desk.

"You're not going to tell on us are you?" Scoots asked. "We are going to put it back once we rebuild it."

"And why shouldn't I, you stole one of Dad's guns… you stole and disassembled one of Dad's guns and… and you brought it here to the Gala…" my mind was having difficulties following what was happening before my very eyes, so I latched onto one enigma and tried to stay with it. "How the hell did you three manage to get your hooves on a Ma-Deuce?"

"Simple," Sweetie Bell shrugged. "We have a key to the armory."

Ok, of the explanations I was prepared for, that was not one of them. "And how did you get a key to the armory? Dad guards the only one with his life."

"After Mark came back from that ‘rule 63’ place, he gave Applejack a copy to hide, in case he lost his or was off someplace where no one could reach him," Bloom spoke up. "And Ah happen to know where mah sister likes to hide things from me."

"… But…"

"Let's see, Ah got the key to the front gates of the base," to my amazement she had produced a key-ring and began to name each one off. "This one is to the motor pool, here's the one to Mark's office, that one goes to the hanger, oh, and here's the officer's mess…"

"But those aren't the only keys we have duplicates of," Scoots beamed. "See, a year before Mark came to Equestria, we had tried getting a cutie mark for being lock smiths, and now we have keys to every building in Ponyville."

"Fuck me," I gasped as the realization and weight of Scootaloo's confession slammed into me like a hammer hitting a grape. "You three are a fucking crime wave waiting to happen."

"Shucks naw," Bloom flinched back while the other two suddenly looked as if they had an awful taste in their mouths. "Steeling is dishonest, and besides, most of the ponies in town know we have them."

"Yeah," Sweetie agreed. "Most folks know that if they ever lose the keys to their house or business, that they can come to us to get new ones made."

"I… but… okay, fine," my little world of normality was spinning out of control and I needed something to stabilize it. "So you… borrowed the deuce from the armory to get it copied, but why?"

"Because the cannon on our tank is busted and we need something big enough to fill in the hole…"

And my last bit of sanity went swirling down the toilet bowl.

"What. Did. You. Just. Say?"

"Ah said that the cannon on our tank is busted and we need something big enough to fill in the hole," Apple Bloom reiterated for me.

"You three have a tank. A large, earth bound, heavily armored, tank?" I must have finally lost it for I could feel my left eye twitching uncontrollably as I sat my butt on the floor. I was hearing things, hallucinating, there was no way in hell the three of them could have or even hide a tank without someone knowing about it… And yet Bloom, Scoots, and Sweetie all looked to one another for a moment before nodding.

"If it makes you feel any better," John spoke up from behind me, nearly scaring me half to death. Someone needs to put a bell on that boy. "They wanted you to be the one to use it."

"U-use what?" I asked numbly as I looked up at him.

"We wanted you to be our gunner," Scoots smiled. "I'm the driver, Sweetie takes care of the magic, and AB is our commander."

"You want me to…" and ever so slowly my world began to right itself.

"Heck, y'alls the only one of use that Mark has bothered taking to the firing range," Bloom was grinning ear to ear. "That means you're the only one qualified to be our gunner."

"You do realize you would already know this stuff, if you ever came to a crusader meeting, right?"

I can't remember who said that last part or what happened the rest of the evening, for I was already daydreaming about braking in my very own Ma-Deuce.

I can't wait…

Author's Note

It is just now that I realize that the uploading part actually lets me get rid of the multi-line spacing that my chapter copies have. So useful.

Wedding (2)

"Hey Celestia, you wanted to see me?" Max happily smiled as he joined her out on her balcony.

"Indeed," she nodded yet kept her eyes turned to the garden below as she spoke, trying her damnedest to hide her nervousness. Never the less she couldn't help but shiver in his presence.

"Tia, are you okay?" He asked, reaching out and placing a calming hand on her flank.

'Mother, you chose so well for me,' she thought as the butterfly's in her stomach vanished the instant he touched her. Never in a million years would she believe that she, the Princess of the Sun, could love such an odd creature as a human... and yet here he was. "Max, when I asked you to become my consort, we both knew it would be a temporary position..." she stated, not bothering to look back at him, knowing she wouldn't be able to continue if she did. "As you have undoubtedly been informed by others, I am fated to wed the fabled Storm King..."

Now it was Max's turn to become nervous. As she spoke he began to have flashbacks to the various ponies who had told him of the prophecy, including Blueblood who took great pride in reminding him whenever he could. "Tia, what are you trying to tell me?"

Taking a deep calming breath, Celestia let the bomb drop. "Max, the Storm King has finally come to Equestria," she shiver as she felt her human flinch at her words, "Your time as my consort has sadly come to an end."

"I...I..." the conflict of emotions erupted within him so fast that it rendered Max speechless, all his life he had secretly been trained to be by Celestia's side, hell, her own mother had been his instructor. Even more, once he had arrived here in Equestria and met the Sun Princess, he had fallen in love with her. What was he supposed to do with his life now? 'Remember your place, human,' Blueblood's snide comment came back to haunt him... "w..hen," he had to pause and clear his throat to continue. "When will his highness arrive at the palace?"

"He's already here," she stated as she turned her beautiful eyes to gaze at him.

"I see," 'well fuck me!' Max's mind screamed, yet he did his best to not show the conflict within. "Do you wish for me to meet this king, maybe inform him of your likes and dislikes... or should i just pack and make a discreet exit?"

"You have already met," she said as a smile formed on her lips. "In fact, he stands before me as I speak..."

Quickly he pulled his hand off her rump and spun around... only to find that he and Celestia were alone. Oh so slowly the gears in Max's brain began to turn and the gravity of Celestia's words clicked into place. "Tia, what are you saying," he turned back to ask, only to discover she had moved closer and was sporting a mischievous smile.

"Max Tarrant Rex, my consort, my lover, my great thunder king... would you be willing to take the final step and become my husband?"

"Are...are you asking me..." Max had to blink the confusion out of his eyes, "little insignificant, raised on a Kentucky horse farm, back woods hick me... to marry a living sun goddess, you?"

"... Indeed..." Was her only response.

Two hours later, Twilight was at her desk in the library studying a new spell, while behind her Helm was teaching Spike the finer points on German style poker, when the little dragon began hacking and burped up a scroll. "Twi, you got a letter from Celestia."

"A letter from the Princess?" the purple alicorn stated gleefully as she bounded over, completely and utterly ignoring the miniature mushroom cloud coming from the remains of what was once a perfectly good maple desk.

"Must I constantly remind my loving mare that she to, is a princess," Schmidt commented in German. Two years ago Helm had begun teaching both Spike and Twilight his native tongue, and agreed that now, whenever they were alone, that they would only speak in German.

"Ja," she nodded with a giggle as she opened the scroll. However her joyfulness slowly disappeared as she silently read what was inside.

"Twilight," Spike asked, the first to realize something was off with his mentor/step-sister.

As a response, Twilight's eyes rolled up in her head as she passed out.

Instantly Helm and the little dragon were at her side. Gently the human scooped up his love into his arms as he glanced at the scroll laying on the ground. "Spike, find out what in that letter could have done this," he demanded while heading for the stairs and their bedroom on the second floor.

"Let's see, Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle... starts off as per usual," Spike hastily read as he followed along behind. "You have been my most faithful student all these many years... Blah-blah-blah, Joyous news... blah-blah-blah, getting married..." spike did a double take on that last part. "Holy smoke, Celestia's getting married!"

"While that is good news, it doesn't explain why Twilight passed out," Schmidt said as he gently laid her down in their bed.

"But it does, right here," Spike pointed to a spot in the letter. "Celestia wants Twi to be her best mare and wedding planner."

Both took a moment to gaze at the unconscious alicorn before nodding. "Yeah that would do it…"

"FIRE!" I shouted. After a moment, the 8.8cm gun on Jerry roared and a side of the barn we were to demolish promptly exploded outwards. "Good shot, Major."

"I aim to please." His voice came on over the radio. "Does the lady wish for another shell, or should I go park this beast?"

"AJ, is that good enough or do you want more explosions?" I questioned, glancing down at the stetson on her head.

"Hmmm..." She rubbed her chin with a hoof, before chuckling. "This barn's gonna come down one way or another, might as well blow it up completely."

"Major, load WPHE and let off one or two more shells." I stated. WPHE, while not a conventional tank shell at any time period, was unique as it was basically a white phosphorous shell that had more oomph to structures, while also burning it down. After I told him to load it, I placed a pair of sunglasses over AJ's eyes and grinned behind my polarizing helmet.

"Ready to fire." Major stated.

"... FIRE!" I shouted. Another roar and the eastern end of the barn was brightly burning. Another shell later, and a short pause, and Major was off towards the base with me sitting on the turret.

And I wasn't creepily stroking the MG42, damnit!

"General Durnkinscoff?" A courier flew up to me. At my nod, she held out a letter. "A message from Princess Celestia."

"How come she didn't just send it to me with our lamps?" I asked myself in confusion after I accepted it and placed a bit on her muzzle. She flew off after carefully plucking the bit off of her face.

"Dear Mark,

I know this may be a little overwhelming, but I have a simple, yet extremely important question for you.

I wish to know if you'd like to give me away at the wedding that I will be having with Max." And with that, my coffee was flying across the room. "I know that I do not have a father to do this, but I believe that you would be the perfect substitute.

Your friend,

Princess Celestia"

"Christ..." I murmured, staring into what was left of my coffee. After a few moments of silence, I sighed and leaned forward, slowly and gently picking up a quill. Not a pen, a quill, one that holds special meaning to me.

And hopefully it would hold special meaning to Celestia, as my gift for getting married because fuck it.

"Dear Celestia..." I began. "In order for me to do this, you must know one thing…"

The Royal court was filled to capacity as ponies and changelings from all over Equestria had gathered in the throne room, filling it with a menagerie of sizes, shapes, and colors. That wasn't even counting the banners and streamers that hung from the vaulted ceiling and clung to walls, or the massive amount of flowers that decorated every table and vase in the palace.

As for those gathered, they were here to watch the ceremony of a lifetime, the wedding of their Sun Princess, Celestia. Some were the friends and family of the distinguished Equestria's Human Special Forces, the human division of the Death Guard, here to witness the official combining of human and pony culture.

Others were Canterlot's nobility, who never missed a reason to attend court… any reason to say that "I was there when," and to hob-knob with royalty. There were also in attendance a group of delegates from countries and kingdoms friendly to Equestria, including Queen Chrysalis of the changelings and Chief Thunderhooves of the buffalo tribe.

Even Discord was making an appearance, sitting well behaved (for once) with his best friend Fluttershy.

The Elements of Harmony and their loved ones stood at the front line of the proceedings, on the groom's side and kept trying to reassure the nervous man, who despite his best efforts, was about to become a Prince. To his right stood his grooms; Jeremy and Anon, Prince Shining Armor, a reporter named Shutterfly, while at his side was Max's first and best friend, Dusty the maid. And from the raised throne dais the Crystal Princess of Love stood vigil over the proceedings with great pride and a small grin upon her face.

Once everyone had been gathered, a set of Day Guards marched down the main isle to stand at attention before the dais. With horns glowing brightly, they pulled forth long trumpets and sounded off… as the last note echoed all in attendance turned their heads and waited.

Seconds ticked by, yet just when the crowd began to murmur amongst themselves, music began to play as the doors to the room opened.

Reprising their role as flower girls, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo trotted slowly down the aisle, scattering white rose petals as they went. Following them was Red Dawn in full fiery alicorn mode, a set of gold rings sat on a silver pillow atop his back. Dawn really hadn't wanted to attend as an alicorn, but this was for Celestia… that and both night sisters had agreed he would never have to do it again, until they decided to get wed to some poor schmuck. Next to appear was the matron of honor and the bridesmaids. Dressed in shimmering deep blue, Twilight led Luna and Moon in a careful march down the aisle.

Once they had taken their place at the far left of where Max stood, the wedding march began and there was a flash as the Princess of the Sun appeared in the doorway.

She was dressed in a gown of white silk with gold and silver trimming and a 15 foot long flowing train. Her usually flowing rainbow pastel main and tail were in their more natural pinkish hue and ran in a brad that almost touched the floor. Her usual vestments of royalty, along with her crown, were surprisingly absent this day for reasons of diplomacy. While Mark, dressed in full USMC dress blues with a cerimonial sword attached to his belt, beaming with pride as he marched her down the aisle. He finally told her about his sorta father/daughter relationship with Faust.

There were "oohs" and "ahs" from the on-lookers and cameras flashed from the balconies.

For Max, time seemed to stand still as Celestia slowly sashayed her way towards him. However, soon enough Mark was stepping aside to allow Max to take his place at her side. As he did, the general of the human military leaned close and whispered something that caused Max to chuckle, reliving some of his tension… for the moment.

Together the two ascended to the first level of the raised dais and stood before the alicorn of love.

"Humans and ponies," Cadence began, using a slightly softer version of the Canterlot Voice. "We are gathered here today…"

And that was as far as she got for at that moment there came a loud screech noise from around the throne. Quickly several pairs of eyes turned towards Discord who calmly stood next to Doc and Fluttershy.

"Don't look at me, I'm just standing here," the draconequus shrugged. Just as suddenly as it began, the squeal dissipated to the sound of ripping fabric as a jagged tear in time and space appeared… slashing the throne in two.

A collective gasp spread over the crowd, some even fainted, as Queen Faust herself stepped from the rift.

"I must ask that you hurry up your highness," a distorted voice announced from the tear. "I don't know how long we can draw power from this star before it collapses."

"Thank you Doctor, I will endeavor to be hasty," she called back, however her eyes never left the sight of her eldest daughter or the man standing at her side. "We are burning up a star in order for me to be here this day of days," she flashed all a warm smile as she descended and stood next to a flabbergasted Lovebutt. "I do hope none of my little ponies mind."

Mark stifled a snort, disguising it as a cough.

When no pony, changeling, or human answered, she continued. "My dear," she nodded towards Cadence, "As Queen of this land, and mother of the bride, I request the right to preside over these proceedings…"

"a..As you w..wish," bowed the pink princess before rushing down the ramp to join her husband.

"Now then," she returned her attention back to the couple at hoof. "We will have to make this short and sweet," she stated, her horn lighting up as her mane and tail shifted to a swirling mass filled with stars and planets. Max and Celestia both nodded their agreement. "Then let's get this show on the road."

"Dearly beloved, We have all gathered this day to bear witness to this most joyous events. The wedding of my eldest daughter Celestia Solaris, to the human, retired Master Sergeant Max Tarrant Rex," she happily announced. "However, before we proceed, is there anypony here who has reason these two should not be wed?"

From over with the other delegates in attendance, Prince Blueblood started to state his objection, when Faust quickly added, "And remember that Max was MY choice for Celestia to begin with." Instantly Blue's mouth snapped shut and he faded into the background. Major, who was standing off to the side and generally being discreet, glared at Blueballs for a few extra seconds.

As the Queen Mother continued the ceremony, Max became lost in his own thoughts, the memories of growing up under the tutelage of Faust and his love for Celestia… that was until Celestia gave his side a slight bump. "Huh, yes?" he blinked back into reality and found all eyes upon him.

"Good answer," the Queen gave him a warm smile and a small, barely noticeable wink, before turning towards her daughter. "Do you, Celestia Solaris, take Max as your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish for as long as you two live?"

"I do," the Sun Princess gave a nod.

"Your Majesty," an overly excited voice called from the tear in reality. "We are running out of time!"

"Oh bother," she snorted more to herself, yet she pressed on. "It is here that we deviate from the usual pony wedding, to add a bit of humanity to this ceremony. May we have the rings please?"

Quickly Dawn stepped forward and waited until the Queen had lifted the bands of gold into the air.

"Not having fingers, we ponies have never needed to exchange rings as a symbol of our loving bond," she clarified. "However, for the humans it is a sacred tradition that we will observe this day, not only will the rings bond these two lovers as one, but humans and ponies lives in general."

"Now if you two will repeat after me," she floated the rings over to Celestia and Max. "With this ring, I thee wed…"

"With this ring," Max found it hard to speak through the wide smile on his face. Gently he reached up and slid the ring down Celestia's horn. "I thee wed."

"With this ring, I thee wed," she took her turn and used her magic to guide the band onto his finger.

"With this done, in the eyes of all here… and in mine, I now declare you man and pony, husband and wife," Faust announced happily. "You may kiss your husband!"

"Don't you mean wife?" Max asked.

"Equestria is a matriarch society Max," the Queen Mother reminded him.

"That make you my bitch," Celestia whispered as she kissed him deeply. Mark heard, and almost broke his calm demeanor by giggling.

"Faust," the Doctor called from the rift. "The star is collapsing!"

"Drat," the Queen stomped a hoof in annoyance before turning her attention to all gathered. "I'm afraid I must be going. But before I do, I just wish to say… Be well, my little ponies and I love you all."

Tears erupted and there were cries of anguish from many of the ponies in attendance when Queen Mother Faust stepped back through the rift and disappeared. Yet to Max and Celestia, it would remain the most happiest of days they could ever remember.

And Mark just stood there with a small, knowing smile on his face as he looked at Dawn. When Dawn looked over to him, he mouthed 'You're next, bitch.' Dawn almost shuddered.

Author's Note

The movie clashes so hard with this chapter, but hell I can make it work if I ever work it into this.

Of Tanks and Zap Apples

"So, did Celestia finally sack Blueballs, or throw him in a cell?" Mark asked as Dawn trotted into the spa and took a seat.

"Nope," the pony of death answered while flipping through a magazine. "Now don't get me wrong, she was pissed when she found out he was embezzling bits for his own use, and she relieved him of his job title… But he still has quite an unfortunately loyal following within the noble society, so she needs something more than ‘a bit of’ embezzling to throw him in prison."

"Fuck me, this is why I hate politics," Mark groaned, rubbing his face.

"Indeed," he agreed, "However, the good news is that Anon will be taking over for him at the ministry."

"So, other than delivering the good and bad news, what brings you by?"

"Jane is here getting a facial and her nails done," he smiled over the mag. "And being a good colt-friend, I'm here to give morale support and to be bored out of my skull."

"Good for you, so how are things going between you two?" Mark wondered while glancing down at his appointment book, yet before Dawn could respond Blake came rushing in.

"General, you need to come outside, now!" The First Lieutenant called out.

Arching an eyebrow at the man, Mark made his way over to the front doors of the spa, "What's got your panties in a bunch…" he began to ask when the echoing sound of choom, choom, choom, reached his ears.

"Tell me that's not what I think it is," Blake asked as he stepped up to Mark's side.

"That's the sound of a Ma-Deuce clearing her throat," the General stated as around him other residence of Ponyville stopped what they were doing and began looking about curiously. "But where in the hell is she singing from?"

"I would say it's coming from the Everfree Forest, probably near Fluttershy's cottage," Dawn gave out a knowing smile before ducking back into the spa. Mark could've sworn he also said something about him having a new assistant, starting Monday, but he couldn't be certain.

"My animals!" Shy squeaked as she zipped past, heading for her home at a speed unusual for the pegasus.

"Crap..." Mark sighed as he watched Dawn slip back inside. "Blake, get back to the armory and make sure the three 50 cals are still there," he hastily said before rushing after Shy, "And send someone after me with my armor, I don't want to be defenseless if there are hostiles!"

"Aye aye commandant!" Blake nodded as he took off towards the airfield.

Crossing the southern bridge, Mark caught up to Fluttershy as she came to the cross roads. To his right the road split, running past Sweet Apple Acers, the Air Field, and the School House… To his left, was the road that lead to Shy's house and the Everfree.

"Let me go Mark," she begged after he had finally caught up to her and wrapped her in his arms to stop her. "I need to get to Angel Bunny!" Mark didn’t mention that he would be happy if the little shit had gotten eaten by just about anything out there.

"Shy, Just hold on…" At that precise moment there came a rumbling growl from down the road and both human and pegasus turned, watching as an olive drab colored mini-tank came chugging along pulling a cart of zap apples. "It can't be… That's a Russian MS-1… equipped with a modern heavy 50 caliber…?" he blinked in disbelief, releasing Fluttershy.

"Hey Mark," Apple Bloom called from atop the turret, while little Apple waved from an open hatch in said turrets side.

"Hiya Daddy!"

In a numb silence, Mark and Shy watched the spectacle chug by and turn off towards the farm. After a moment, he quickly took off in a jog, catching up to the tank just as it pulled into Sweet Apple Acres. There he was met by a pleased looking Granny and a slightly bewildered Big Mac. "What in the Sam Hell is going on here?"

"We went picking zap apples!" Apple gleefully said aloud as she jumped from the machine and into his arms. "And I got to shoot up a bunch of Timber-wolves!"

"You…" Mark was now utterly confused. "You were the ones making all that noise in the Everfree?"

"Eeyup," Apple Bloom giggled.

"So yah youngins had some trouble getting these here Zap-Apples," Granny observed while Mac unhitched the cart.

"Nothin’ the Crusader Mobile couldn't handle," Bloom smiled as she patted the side of the turret with a hoof.

"Crusader Mobile?" Mark was really in the dark now. "But where… how… What. The. Fuck?"

"We found the tank in Froggy Bottom Bog, and dragged it back to our clubhouse," the girls said together.

"Ah took the time to take it apart and modify the CMCM from a two human tank to a three pony tank… or four crusaders," Bloom beamed as she began to point out what they had done to the machine. "And while the movement spells Dawn likes to use, so engines no longer need gas, was too advanced for Sweetie to cast, she found that using a Refresh Crystal in the gas tank will keep it full."

"I then used a silence spell to shield the crew cabin from the engine, making it easier to talk to one another…" Sweetie continued. "While a Heating spell or cooling spell can be used to heat or cool the crew cabin as needed."

"And if you're thinking of taking it away from us," Scootaloo opened the front driver's hatch long enough to stick her tongue out at the surprised man. "Then you can't, humans will no longer fit in here… naaaa."

"Okay…" Mark blinked as Scoots sealed and locked the hatch, her lilac colored eyes watching him intently from the armored view slit. "So where is the cannon that should be mounted in this thing and where did you get a 50 cal?"

"The original gun was all bent and junk, so we put it in the town scrap yard," Apple Bloom gave a shrug. "As for the 50cal, we… sorta… borrowed one from the armory a few weeks ago and had a copy made using Xerox the copy pony, along with one of the enchanted never ending ammo-case…"

"How in god's name did you get your hooves on one of my guns?"

"Enough jaw'n, We got work that needs doing," Granny interrupted, the look of bewilderment on Mark's face causing her to chuckle a bit. "Girls, go put yer toy away, Applejack's gonna need yer help making Zap-Jam."

"Yes'em Granny," Bloom agreed before calling down into the tank. "Yah heard her Scoots, to the club house!"

"And Mark, if y'all's done at the parlor," she looked to the confused man. "Then go help Big Mac, he's brewing up some special hard cider for Nightmare Night."

"Cutie Mark Crusader Mobile, roll out!" Scootaloo's voice happily echoed from the monster.

"But…" Mark stood dumbfounded as the tank revved its engine and roared off past the barn. The last thing he heard was Sweetie Bell asking if the "Cuteness Grenade" had worked on him… "Cuteness grenade?"

"I love you daddy," Apple giggled from his arms, her large glowing bug eyes beaming up at him.

"Oh, you're so cute when you do that…" he sighed happily… before it dawned on him. "Oh Crap!"

Slowly Mark examined the little shed built behind the CMC clubhouse, it was barn like in shape and painted bright red with white trim. To the average on-looker it appeared to be just an average storage shed parked behind a children's tree house… But looks were deceiving. In reality the wooden building had been designed by Apple Bloom to serve as a garage for the Crusader Mobile, a Russian T18, also known as the MS-1 light tank. Unlike tanks from Mark's time, the MS-1 was little baby toy in comparison. Standing a little over 6 feet in height, 14 feet in length, and barley 5 feet wide, this tiny terror could only fit two full grown men and had the utter audacity to reach blazing speeds that were about 10 miles an hour.

Not bad for an over grow construction tractor that weighed in at over 5 tonnes.

The original design for the tank was a captured world war 1 French Renault FT-17BS. However, after the German invasion of the Soviet Union during WW2, a number of MS-1's were refitted with a 45 mm (1.8 in) gun and entered service as the T18. And the bell shaped top that originally served as the gunner's lookout had been shaved off for a top hatch with a 1 foot tall mirrored periscope in its place, and swiveling turret.

This particular T18 had been remolded by Apple Bloom with a new hatch in the right hand side of its turret next to where a light machine gun once sat. The door was large enough for a pony to climb though yet had a sturdy three point locking mechanism. As for the Fyodorov machine gun, according to the girls it had already been missing, and in its place sat an armored view port. The last bit of remolding had been the ammo storage box built on the back of the turret. Bloom had ripped the 1 inch shell racks out and put in a set of wooden cupboards filled with several adult books, several juice boxes and an assortment of snacks.

While he wasn't sure where or how the girls had gotten their hooves on the adult novels, it was the risqué poster of Rainbow Dash in fishnet stockings and a come-fuck-me smile that sat to the left of Scoot's driver seat, that made him shake his head in disbelief.

Speaking of the little orange pegasus, the moment she had seen Mark walking up to the clubhouse, she had jumped into the driver seat and refused to budge. The interesting thing was that by doing so, she was demonstrating the 4 point seat belt harnesses Sweetie Belle had designed to keep her friends and herd mates safe. Each of the 4 seats now sported a racing harness, and oddly enough, Mark felt like ordering a few for the other tanks in the human arsenal.

The last bit of redesign done to the tank had been the removing of all Russian symbols and markings and replacing them with Equestrian ones. The final bit was the navy blue shield with rearing gold pony that was the symbol of the CMC panted on both sides of the turret. He wasn't even going to go into all the padding and pillows that decorated the inside of the tank.

"Ok, so who wants to be the one to fill me in on where you got this thing?" he asked once he had finished his inspection.

Johnnie and the girls exchanged glances for a moment, before Scootaloo let out a deep sigh.

"It's over here!" Bloom called out as she led the rest of the CMCs into Froggy Bottom Bog.

"Are you sure about this?" Sweetie inquired as she stepped around a mud puddle.

"Sure Ahm sure," the orange filly nodded. "Yesterday Ah was helpin Zecora when Ah found it… its right over here."

"That's what you said the last three times," Scoots rolled her eyes, yet she kept pace with her friends until Apple Bloom let out a whoop that startled her and Sweetie Belle. "What in the name of Celestia?"

"Is that a tank?" Johnnie wondered as Bloom took a moment to pull the vines away from the beast's metal hide. The monster only stood some 6 foot tall and was barely 5 feet wide. Other than the large craggy hole through its turret, the thing was in remarkable shape. "Huh," the teen said as he clamored up its side to look within. "By the look of the interior it was manned by a crew of 2, a driver and a gunner… Looks like one of them there French light tanks I’ve heard about."

"You think we can repair it?" Scoots asked of Apple Bloom as she jumped up and stuck her head in next to John-boy.

"We would need a place to keep it while we worked," Bloom gently rubbed her chin while she thought it over. "But yeah, Ah think we could do it."

"Now wait," Johnnie shook his head. "We have to tell the General about this. He's going to want to add it to the motor-pool, and search for whoever was in this thing…"

"By the look of these here vines, and how far it's sunk in the mud, this has been here for almost a year," Bloom stated while walking around the machine.

"Still, we need to tell him…"

"Hold on there, Johnnie," Sweetie Belle pulled out his contract from… somewhere. "This contract states that CMC business will only be discussed between CMC members, unless a majority override is approved." She said as she waved the rolled up parchment at him. "Now you signed this, and Mark already said that you are bound by it…"

"Yahr part of the CMC, and this hear's CMC business," Bloom pointed out as she finished her walk around. "So we keep this a secret fer' now."

"Fine, but what about the people who were in it?"

"I think I know what happened to them," Scoots announced as she reappeared from inside the tank, a 3 foot long, off-white conical thing with a needle sharp tip in her front hooves.

"What on God's green earth is that," John gasped as the thing rolled off the side of the tank and into the mud.

"It's a hydra's tooth," Sweetie jumped back.

"Hydra?"

"It's a giant 3 headed lizard like thingy…" Scootaloo clarified.

"How big is giant," Johnnie asked as he nervously began glancing about the swamp.

"About 3 times bigger than our barn," Apple Bloom calmly added.

"Ummm, maybe we should dig this thing out and leave…" the teen began to shiver.

[2 months later]

"Wow Bloom," Johnnie was generally surprised when he walked into the shed that now acted as a garage for the small tank. Apple Bloom had said something to her older brother, Big Mac, and almost overnight the stallion/filly team had erected a small barn like shed behind the CMC club house. "I like what you did here."

"What can Ah say," she sighed as she whipped grease off her hooves. "The last few weeks have been hectic."

"You girls did all this in six short weeks?" He gave out a low whistle. "Color me impressed."

"Short?! It felt like it took a year off my life just to drag it in here," Scootaloo groaned.

"I'm sorry Scoots," John-boy's current regret was that he and the rest of the human force had been stuck outside the magic dome Trixie had created. "I would have helped," He said as he examined the tank. Already somepony had fixed the holes in the turret, replacing it with a side hatch for the gunner. "Golly but you girls work fast."

"Yep, and all we need in order to finish, is a new main gun," Sweetie said as she pointed a hoof at the 45mm canon, it had been removed and tossed to the side, the short barrel had been twisted and rendered useless.

"Humm… I think I know where we can one, but we have to be really sneaky, and quick on our hooves to pull it off," Johnnie murmured while rubbing his chin. "But it means breaking into the armory at the base."

"Hey, you girls know what this means," a mischievous smile spread across Scoots muzzle

"Cutie Mark Crusaders Cat Burglars, are GO!" The three fillies called out enthusiastically.

"Mark is going to kill me," the teen sighed to himself, thunking his head against the side of the turret and immediately regretting it.

"And you know the rest," Sweetie finished.

"Ok, so my next big question," Mark's steely gaze shifted to John-boy. "Is where in the hell did you find an extra 50cal Ma-Duece?"

To Mark's chagrin, the answer came not from the CMC, but from his own daughter.

"Here," she said as she handed him a bedazzled note binder, one of her privet journals. "Read entry 132, and only entry 132 that should help explain a few things."

Slowly he took the notebook and began to read.

After Mark finished reading, he slowly put down the journal and held out a hand.

"Keys to my office." He stated. While the CMCs tried protesting, he wouldn't hear it. "I do not care that you have a key to the armory, no matter how much of a bad idea this will be. The only thing that I care about is that key to my office. Hand it over or I will figure out something worthwhile to do to this tank that does not include outright destroying it. And just so you know, I can be so much harsher about this than I am being."Apple immediately attested to that.

Grumbling, Sweetie Belle slowly handed over a single key, which Mark promptly snapped in half.

"I'll send Xerox and a few other scientists down to make this an upscale version, but still only used by ponies. Hell, I'll even call it the Crusader tank, even if that's technically one from my past." He grinned and patted AB on the head, before twirling around and walking out of the clubhouse. Mark swore that they said something about him taking the tank away, but didn't comment.

Three days later the ex-T18 had been blueprinted down to the last screw and patented under the CMC’s names.

Nightmare Night 2

"All Hallows Eve." I said aloud as I hung some lights up around the barn, using my special skills to keep from falling off of my precarious perch. "The one time of year that I can get away with dressing up like a complete idiot."

"You do that anyway." AJ commented from next to the ladder.

"And hurry up before I just kick this damn ladder down." Bill added. "I don't know why the hell you decided to invite us here."

"I invited Chrysalis here." I shot back, nailing a bat shaped lantern to the gutter. "You decided to tag along instead of sitting on your ass at the Hive." Bill merely grunted, before moving aside as I slid down and nearly busted my ass when the ladder fell from under me.

"Your stupid ass done up there?" Bill asked, lightly grinning.

"Fuck you." I stated, before cracking my fingers. "Yeah, I'm done for now. How's the underground life been treating you?" Bill paused for a moment, deciding to choose his words carefully for some reason.

"Its... Different than my old one, that's for sure." He said. "I'm not used to leading many people, and I'm damn sure not used to leading changelings." I grinned at him.

"Trust me, you think its easy leading the ponies? At least changelings can naturally shape shift. I know of only a few ponies that can do that, and all of them are rulers." I chuckled, rolling my shoulders and simultaneously causing my back to pop multiple times. "Right, enough politicking, lets get ready for the festival tonight." Bill couldn't argue with that, and we proceeded to fall back into the farmhouse, or in my case, the barn.

"Out for about ten minutes, I need to put on my costume, and you should as well." I casually told Johnnie, who nodded. "I promise I won't scrub up your stuff." I added, looking at the decorations slapped around the interior. As Johnnie left to go to the house, I strolled over to the darker corner and picked up a rusted-looking piece of metal.

"So, what's the plan for tonight?" A voice that I haven't heard in a while asked.

"If you're cool with it, we can change places at midnight." I told Dune as I stripped, before sliding on some grey material that resembled Major's under-armor suit. After I got it on, I started slapping the metal on one piece at a time.

"Sounds fine to me." Dune said. "I wasn't paying attention; is the costume enchanted to become equine-friendly?"

"Sadly, no." I replied as I adjusted a segment over my ribs. "But that's why I planned ahead and made a second costume for you. It's a little bit more exposed with the body, but I'm certain it'll fit nicely."

"Exposed?"

"The back of the helmet, not a lot of actual armor. You know which suit I'm talking about."

"Oh..." And there was another reason I sent Johnnie out; I looked like a fucking escapee from the insane asylum when I talk to Dune out loud. "Okay, now I know what you did. Does the weapon work with a hoof?"

"I didn't make it totally accurate, and I'm pretty sure the trigger was big enough in the game." I admitted, before shrugging and poking a button on the front of my chest. While I did get all the electronics on this worked out perfectly enough, I didn't have a neurological interface designed for it and I didn't bother asking for a unicorn to help with that. I don't even think Twilight has a spell for that yet.

"Fair enough. So, I'll talk to you again at midnight?"

"Yep." I chirped as the helmet extended over my head and sealed shut, giving me about thirty minutes of air if I went into a vaccum. After making sure everything worked, I rolled my shoulders and walked back to the farmhouse to wait for the others.

"How much longer will this gosh darn makeup take?" AJ asked in irritation as I slathered it all over her human face.

"You're done." I said after a moment, putting another drop on and stepping back, before reaching into my void pocket and pulling a pair of contacts back out. "Just put these in and you're ready for being creepy."

"I still don't get why you wouldn't just let me do it for mom." Apple said from her chair, swinging her feet and fiddling with the ADAM needle in her grip.

"The spirit of the holidays." I replied while AJ struggled a bit with the annoying things. "When I was a young'un like you, I actually made my own costumes instead of going to a store and buying one, pre-made."

"Speaking of which..." Judy, who was going as a witch in an admittedly fucking hot outfit, said from her spot on the couch, finishing with the fight over Applespice's pumpkin costume. "How do you know the right ways of applying makeup?"

"Made all of my costumes." I answered. "And it didn't hurt that the base I was constantly deployed to in Afghanistan was really into the holiday spirit. You'd be surprised on how accurate a man can make a Greek Spartan costume with a roll of duct tape, tin foil, and an old blanket." Considering that they went around naked a lot, it wasn't too hard.

Anyway, about half an hour later we were all ready to go. Surprisingly, Major decided to dress up. What was unsurprising was that he was still in his fucking armor.

"A tail and two tiny ass devil horns don't count as a costume, bro." I told him after the palm of my hand casually connected to the back of his helmet.

"Fuck you." I could hear the grin he had behind that always polarized visor. "And they're not devil horns, they're imp horns. I've been called an imp many times, might as well show it tonight."

"And did Beck go as a devil, then?" He couldn't see it behind my helmet, but my eyebrow was raised.

"He's staying at the base tonight, along with some of the others." He shrugged as we started walking down the road.

"So, which character am I again?" Johnnie-boy asked after a few moments of silence.

"Mojo, I believe." Judy answered after a moment. "Haven't watched the PPGs in a while." While Johnnie was Mojo, the CMCs were the PPGs themselves. And I have to say; they did a fabulous job at it. And if you happen to be wondering, Apple Bloom was Blossom, Sweetie Belle was Bubbles, and Scootaloo was Buttercup.

"Are yah youngsters ready," Granny, who had somehow gotten her hooves on a Yoda costume, asked from the front door. Did we even have Star Wars here? "Mac's got the wagon all hooked and is all hot to trot."

"Granny, Ah wish you wouldn't say things like that in front of Bloom and her friends," AJ sighed.

"What'fer, It's not like she's a foal no more," the elder pony shrugged as she stepped out.

To my astonishment, Applejack just rolled her eyes and followed her out. Once everyone had piled into the apple wagon, which someone had filled with hay in order to give rides out later, the oversized flying monkey let out a cheerful whinny and we were off. And yes, Mac was dressed as a flying monkey… Judy was his sexy wicked witch after all.

The trek into town was short, the town square was located to the south side of Ponyville and close to the farm and market place. Along the way we passed a rather large golden furred teddy bear sporting a red T-shirt and a giant bee. Which to my surprise, turned out to be Doc and Fluttershy, dressed as Winnie the Pooh and a fuzzy honey bee. Guess he finally got her over her fear of Nightmare Night. Or bribed her.

Anyhow, our first stop was Twilight's, we were going there to meet up with the rest of the family and to drop off Bill. While we humans had been hard at work, Chrysalis had spent most of the day with Sparkle-butt learning all about pony Halloween so that she could in turn, teach her hive. Yet, as we neared the Golden Oaks Library I discovered a sight that instantly made my hand want to make love to my face.

"Really Twilight," Schmidt rolled his eyes when Twi stepped from the library. "Didn't you wear that same costume last year, and the year before that?"

"And the years before that," Spike added sarcastically. "She dresses as Star Swirl every Nightmare Night."

"And what about you, Helm, you're just wearing your SS uniform from the Gala!" She defended herself with a huff. "And I'll have you both know that I did dress as Celestia one year." Bet he decided to dress up as a Waffen-SS officer. I noticed that he was even wearing the swastika.

"We were still living at the palace," the Ninja Turtle/dragon reminded her. "And if I remember correctly, you even borrowed her crown without asking, to make your costume more authentic."

"You took Celestia's crown," the giant taco that I assume was Chrysalis asked, seeing the nerdy alicorn in a new light.

It looked like Twilight was about to give a rebuttal when she caught the sight of us. "We will talk about this later," she grumped before trotting off towards the Apple wagon. Ignoring Bill who had hopped off and meandered over to his…taco, Twilight was about to give us all a happy greeting when the royal coach landed nearby. "Umm, hey guys…uhhh, be right back," she hastily said.

Taking a moment to turn my attention towards Michelangelo/Spike, I arched an eyebrow and inquired. "And what may I ask happened after the Princess found out?"

"She thought Twi's costume looked really nice, but she should have asked before taking the crown," the dragon shrugged as he followed along. "However, Celestia did make Twilight polish the crown once a day for a month as punishment."

Our laughter, that is to say the Apples, myself, Schmidt, and Chrissie's laughter, was cut off by a loud squee of joy as a small purple filly hopped off the chariot and stampeded up to Twilight. "OHMYGOSH, OHMYGOSH, OHMYGOSH! You're Star Swirl the Bearded!" The small filly hopped and danced around a very shocked Princess before latching onto her left forehoof. "My name's Twilight Sparkle and I'm your biggest fan!"

I'd like to say this now, so, WHAT THE FUCK?

"Twily, calm down you silly filly," a white unicorn male with blue mane and tale stepped down from the wagon, followed closely by Celestia, her two sisters, and one mean looking werewolf.

"Shining," gasped Star Swirl, her eyes darting from the juvenile version of herself, now hugging her tightly, and her brother. "But…I…"

"Shiny, look," the filly Twilight called as she pulled the hem of the older Twilight's starry cape around her neck. "Can I get a cape like this for Hearts Warming Eve, huh, can I?"

"Twilight," Celestia stepped up after clearing her throat, "I would like to remind you that as my apprentice, to act with a little more decorum."

"But…but…" older Twilight's mind began to blank out on her.

"I'm sorry princess," filly Twilight quickly rushed over and sat at the hooves of her mentor.

"What the hay is going on here," Star Swirl demanded, her mane starting to frizz out in confusion.

"That's what I'd like to know," I stated a the rest of us walked up on the strange scene.

"Hey Twilight," Pinkie chirped when she swam by. This Nightmare Night the pink party pony had chucked her chicken costume and dressed like a giant shark, her head poking from between its gaping jaws. "Ooh, Why dose Princess Celestia look like a filly version of you?"

"Say What?!0" Twilight and I demanded together. Though mine was less angry.

"Leave it to Pinkie to know who we really are." Max's voice suddenly came from Shining Armor.

"Oh poo," filly Twilight sighed, her voice becoming that of the Sun Princess. "And I was having so much fun…"

"Well I'd like to stay and figure this out," shark Pinkie giggled. "But I have to go eat Quint before he starts monologuing about dolls and their eyes."

There was silence as all gathered watched Pinkie shark bounded off, humming the theme from JAWS as she disappeared into the crowd of trick or treaters… and suddenly my brain hurt. Just a bit.

"I am truly sorry Twilight, please forgive me," Filly Twilight said as she glanced over to the still perplexed alicorn princess. "But with Moon going as I, Luna going as Nightmare Moon, and Jeremy going as Luna… It left few ideas for Max and myself."

"No, no, It's okay Princess," Twilight calmed down once she figured out just what the buck was going on. "I just wasn't expecting…" she paused as she looked again at Shining/Max and her younger self. "All of this."

"If you like, we can change into something else," Max said, probably hoping that their antics hadn't upset the Princess of Friendship.

"Its fine, really, I was just surprised is all," Twilight gave out a giggle as she reached out and hefted her filly self. "Hard to believe I was ever this small, or this cute."

"OHMYGOSH, OHMYGOSH, OHMYGOSH! Star Swirl the Bearded is touching me!" The juvenile pony cried out in a joy-gasm, before pulling a Rarity and pretending to faint. After a moment or two, Twilight/Celestia opened one eye and asked, "Was that too much?"

"No, Sunbutt, it wasn't. You should've seen her when I found that DVD on the moon landings," I pointed out. Sparkle-butt had gone manic after seeing the DVD and asked hundreds of questions to which I didn't have the answers to… but I digress. Poor Schmidt, it was after his time, not in his language, and she refused to understand that for a week.

The rest of the night went surprisingly well and with all the ponies dressed up in costume, and not looking like ponies, Bill actually relaxed for a while. As for some of the other costumes out there, there were a few I'd like to mention because they stood out so much. The first was Rainbow Dash, while Duffy dressed in his ghillie suit and kept muttering that he was a bush, RD was a big bag of Skittles and wanted to know who wanted to taste the rainbow. So she was a pervert for the night.

Derpy had found a gigantic chocolate chip muffin costume while Callum appeared as the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show… a black Swedish Chef, "Mmmm, Børk! Børk! Børk!" Dinky on the other hand, happily went as a Lobster Bandito, complete with small six-shot pistols and black sombrero. All night long she would appear out of the crowd cap-gun's popping to save her mom from the chef.

Me thinks they watch "The Best of The Muppet Show" DVD way too much.

"Oh my, I have not had this much fun in years," an enthusiastic Filly Twilight/Celestia was grinning from ear to ear as she and Max, now human again, made their way back to the royal chariot. "And check out this haul!"

"Yeah, you did rather well," Max chuckled, lifting the filly up onto the wagon. "But Luna made out like a bandit."

Sure enough, the princess of the night had two huge sacks floating along in her wake, both full of candy and other sweets. Not only had she gone trick or treating with John-boy and the CMC, but each foal she met along the way, give her a tribute of a hoof full of sweets. The real Nightmare Moon who was still disguised as Celestia, was not happy at first, but after Luna agreed to share her haul, she perked up.

But the real kicker of the night had been a diminutive pinto colt named Pipsqueak. Not long after arriving in Ponyville, little Pip had appeared at NMM/Luna's side and never left. According to Jeremy, Pip was one of Luna's first friends after returning from the moon, and that they spends one night a week playing in the dream realm together. Lately their playtime had shifted from airship pirates, to space explorers, all thanks to the Star Trek movies that had arrived with Hannah.

Captain Pip and first lieutenant Luna, along with their intrepid crew explored the universe in their starship, the Faire Fire. "Will you and Security Officer Jeremy be dream-walking this weekend?" the little Night Guard colt asked.

"We wouldn't miss it for all the bloodwine on Kronos," Jeremy saluted his dream Capitan.

"Indeed, we have a battle date with the Klingons out near the neutral zone tomorrow night," NNM/Luna leaned down and nuzzled Pip. Neeeeeerds.

"You're still the best princess ever," he hugged her before waving goodbye and trotting home.

"You should make that boy an honorary Night Guard," I chuckled, after all the excitement of tonight, I just couldn't help myself.

"She already did," Jeremy said as he turned and headed for the royal coach. "Last year for his birthday."

"Really?"

"I told him that I would grant him one wish, anything his heart wanted and it would be so," Luna nodded as she used her magic to stash her candy away. "To be taller, to be the captain of his own flying ship, whatever he wished…" I watched as she became silent for a moment, a proud smile slowly crossed her muzzle. "And yet all he wanted was to be one of my guards."

"On that note, sisters, we need to be heading back to the palace," Moon said as she climbed aboard the coach.

"But I don't want to go back," Filly Twilight whined, glomming onto Star Swirl's foreleg again and refusing to let go. Celestia's antics got a good chuckle from all, but the night had come to an end and soon enough, the royal wagon was flying off into the darkness.

After they had departed, I excused myself and transformed, allowing Dune the time to go loot the houses for candy.

Author's Note

So, if anyone reads this, let me know if you guys are up to sex or not with the next chapter, since its a bit... rapey.

Of Flashes and Relatives

Her whole body ached, her left arm weighed a ton, and it felt as though somebody had stuffed her head with old dish towels. That was the first thing that ran through her mind as she slowly became aware of her surroundings. The second thing that caught her attention was the quiet beeping of machines next to the bed in which she lay.

Great, I'm in a hospital, she sighed inwardly, of course the overbearing smells of disinfectant helped in this diagnosis. Swallowing in a vain attempt at quenching her dry throat, she went about the effort of trying to collect her thoughts. Though this in itself was close to impossible… head traumas usually resulted in some memory loss.

Well, might as well take a look around.. She finally thought. Gently she forced her eyes to open. The first thing to meet his gaze was a blurry object sitting on the rolling table beside her bed. It took a moment for the image to clear into a clear plastic water bottle… WATER! her mind locked onto the bottle, her dry throat begging for the liquid within. However, as she quickly reached out for the water bottle, the weighted cast banged off the edge of the rolling table and sent the bottle tumbling to the floor.

"Fuck me!" her voice cracked…

Flash Sentry was not a happy guard pony, no-sir-re-bob! With the Empire in the midst of its estrus season, it meant that able-bodied guards were few and far between. And being one of the low ponies on the totem pole, he had been picked to stand guard over the new human in town… or at least until somepony from Ponyville arrived to retrieve said human.

Speaking of Ponyville, they had just finished their two week long heat cycle, why hadn't Prince Shining Armor requested backup from their standing garrison to bolster the Empire? No, instead he was stuck in a hospital with the pheromones of mare's in heat filling the hallways, and he was just supposed to ignore it and stand here? Yep.

"By the Queen Mother," he growled through clenched teeth. Every breath he took triggered the primitive part of his brain and reminded him it was time to breed. By Celestia, it was taking all he had and then some to keep his not so little solder from sliding out and saluting every pony who trotted past. As it was, he was sporting a serious case of blue-balls.

Buck it, if he didn't rut something soon, he was going to go out of his ever-loving mind! What Flash needed was a distraction from the shapely crystal pony nurses that would pass by, a few had even lifted their tail as they passed, teasing him with a view of their sex and the smell of their heat. They knew he was under orders to not leave his post, but it didn't stop them from antagonizing the pour tan Pegasus.

Luckily a timely distraction happened just as one of the cute younger nurses began her march towards his direction, and it came from the room he was guarding.

Quietly as he could, so as to not disturb the human who was asleep within, Flash slipped into the room and gently closed the door. The air in here was remarkably clearer of pony pheromones and helped to settle the raging drive for sex that his mind and balls begged for… That was until he turned around and saw the human on all fours, reaching for something under the bed. He knew she was female for her hospital gown had fallen open in the back and was framing her ass…sets. Yeah, framing her assets.

At first Flash didn't move, his hooves frozen to the spot. There she was, head and shoulders pressed to the floor, backside held high in the air and swaying slightly as she fished for whatever was under her bed. The human was in the most perfect breeding pose and was practically begging to be mounted…

Somewhere in the back of Flash's mind, the primitive pony beat down and won the battle with his more civilized self. With a loud snort Flash dashed forward becoming a wild stallion as he claimed his prize.

He wasn't too sure how long he lay trying to catch his breath, it had taken a while for the fog of mating had lifted enough for his rational mind to take back control. Yet once he was able to think clearly, it dawned on him the crime he had just committed… and that the human was gently holding him in her arms. Fear gripped at Flash's very soul and his body began to tremble uncontrollably as he looked into the human's eyes.

He was about to beg for her forgiveness, to break down and weep at his failing to follow his training and that his career in the guards was over… when she spoke first.

"You're Flash Sentry." It was a statement, not a question, and that shock alone stopped his shivering.

"…yes ma'am…"

"So I take it I'm in Equestria," she asked, her voice showing no anger, and her gentle embrace showing no malice.

"Yes, the Crystal Empire to be exact," he acknowledged with a slight nod.

"So Sombra has already been defeated," she mumbled to herself before softly poking his nose. "And if you're here, that means Twilight is now a princess…"

"I'm Sorry!" the words blurted from his mouth even before he knew he had said them.

"Excuse me?" she blinked

"I'm sooo sorry," he began to cry, tears rolling from his large blue eyes. "I attacked you, forced you to… oh Celestia, why are you not angry with me?"

Slowly a smile came to the girl's lips…

"I'm sorry you guys had to come all this way," Shining said as he, Dawn, Anon, and Mark marched through the hospital corridors. "Couldn't you have just sent somepony to pick the girl up?"

"Normally, yes, but Dawn insisted that we both needed to be here," Mark sighed, giving his shoulders a roll in order to pop his neck.

"Yeah, and he won't say why." Anon grumbled. Like Mark, he was not happy with spending the last three days on a train built for ponies. "Only that she is a young girl who was in an auto accident."

"I assured you both this was quite necessary," Dawn simply said, still not hinting at what was going on.

"Well either way, all your question will be answered in just… what the hay?" The entire group was brought up short when Shining Armor suddenly slammed on the brakes and began looking about for something.

"You okay there Shiny?" Mark inquired of the confused prince.

"No… er I mean yes, I'm fine," he managed to recover, though he was definitely upset. "But the new guard who is supposed to be on duty won't be!"

"How new?" Mark couldn't help but eye the prince.

"Fresh out of boot," Shining growled.

"Ouch," Anon flinched.

"Shining, why don't you go find your missing guard," Dawn spoke up, "while we go in and greet the new arrival."

Nodding to his guests, Shining first watched them step into the girl's room, before turning and heading to the nurse's station. He was halfway there when Anon poked his head back out into the hallway and whistled. "Not so loud, this is a hospital," the unicorn hissed through clinched teeth once he rejoined the group.

"Just thought you'd like to know," Mark's twin ushered him into the room and stepped aside to reveal the human girl in her bed… with a tan furred, blue mane and tailed pegasus held tightly in her arms, both wide awake and staring in surprise and horror at their new guests. "I think we found your missing guard."

"Dam, smells like they've been getting their freak on," Mark noted the lingering stink of sex that floated about the room.

"Mark, Anon, I would like you both to meet Stephanie Durnkinscoff," Dawn began, getting everyponies attention.

And then they were staring at Anon's limp body, who crumpled to the ground quite like a ragdoll.

Slowly, Stephanie scooted to the edge of her bed while Mark quickly filled her in on Dimensional shift and alternate realities, the whole time she just peered over at the man now out cold on the floor. "Did my big brother just faint?" she finally asked, interrupting the general.

"It would appear so," Mark chuckled as he gave his double a nudge with an armored boot. Hard. To the side of his head.

"So let me get things straight, you're his twin... something or another... from another dimension?"

"Correct."

"And you say he's now going by that 4chan shit?"

"Right again," Mark smiled while holding out his hand. "And might I add, you seem to be handling all of this quite well."

"Thanks," she took his hand as she climbed out of bed, wobbling a little as she stood up. "Normally I would be freaking out about now, but one of us needs to be an adult... and seeing as he's being a pussy, it falls on me."

Turning slightly, Mark regarded the young woman who looked so much like his little brother and smiled. "I think I'm going to like having you around."

"Thanks, I think I'm going to like having a second big brother," she giggled. "One who isn't a giant wuss."

Mark could only laugh.

While this was going down, Shining had sidled over to the hospital bed and was staring daggers at the pegasus, not at all happy to find the recruit laying down on the job. "I should throw you in the brig," he growled with a disappointed scowl. "Leaving your post, being out of uniform, sleeping while on duty, and…"

And before he could continue to chastise the cowering Flash, Stephanie suddenly stepped up and slapped the pony prince over the head. "You leave off my Flash," she demanded as she stood before Shining Armor, waging a finger in his face. "It just so happens that he was doing his duty! So what if he was doing it while doing me, instead of standing outside my door. I'm still here and so is he!"

"Miss, if you don't mind, you are a civilian…" he snorted. "And this is a military matter."

"Shiny," Mark quickly placed a hand on the unicorn's shoulder as he shook his head. "There is no way you're going to win, trust me, I know…"

"But what about discipline, Mark? I can't very well let this slide!"

"If Stephanie is anything like my little brother, and I'm betting she is, than she won't rest until she proves you wrong, or drives you to drinking. Heavily…"

"Then what do you suggest I do?"

"Transfer Flash to my command and I'll see to his discipline," the general sighed, glancing over to the girl who now had her arms crossed over her chest. "Otherwise, I suggest investing in body doubles and keeping your head down."

To emphasize Marks words, Steph held out her left hand and pantomimed shooting the prince between the eyes.

"Thanks again for letting us stay in the palace," Stephanie said politely as she and Flash where escorted to what would be their living quarters.

"It's the least we could do for family," Nightmare Moon smiled back while leading them along the maze of hallways, rooms, and doors. "Besides, Celestia wouldn't have it any other way."

"Family," the young Drunkinscoff girl repeated the word before letting out a high pitched squeal. "I still can't believe my no good, military brainwashed brother is knocking nasties with THE Nightmare Moon! …This is sooo cool!"

"Huh, never heard of mating referred to like that before," Flash commented, his ears perking up at the odd saying.

"Hush you," Steph barked back over her shoulder, causing the tan-ish orange pegasus to flinch back and his ears to droop. "Remember, you're in silent mode until we reach our new digs!"

"Oh my, are you punishing your coltfriend for some misdeed?"

"In a way, yes," the 24 year old human sighed as she glanced back at said pony. "Flash here got a bit drunk on the train ride down from the Crystal Empire, and just happened to let slip the fact that he practically raped me, to Mark and my brother… who damn near tried to castrate him until I stepped in."

"I didn't mean to get drunk," he whimpered quietly.

"No, no you didn't," Steph acknowledged. "Anon never liked it when you were introduced in Equestria Girls, so when he and Mark started passing a jar back n forth to each other and offered you some… that should have been your first clue that something was up."

"Equestria… what…" Flash questioned in confusion, not knowing that Anon and Steph came from a world where My Little Pony was a cartoon. To be fair, neither did Nightmare Moon, who looked just as confused. NMM latched onto something else she had said to keep from being as perplexed.

"Wait, did you just say that you were raped by this… pony?" Moon blinked in disbelief and horror.

"It was an accident!" Stephanie quickly darted between Flash and the dark princess as she explained. "The entire empire was in heat, he had a bad case of blue-balls, and I was mostly naked, on my hands 'n knees… it really wasn't his fault," she then leaned in close to Moon and whispered, "And truth be told, my fields really needed a good plowing."

For a moment, Moon let her mind ponder what Stephanie had just told her while she eyed the dejected looking pegasus. He was now sitting on his haunches, head hung low, and looked to be on the verge of tears. He really was remorseful for his actions back at the hospital, even if that did lead to them becoming a couple.

However, it was Stephanie that seemed to clear Moons reservations. Upon seeing Flash looking so forlorn, the human girl suddenly dropped to her knees and cupped the pegasus' cheeks in her hands. "Ooh, Just look at you, you're so adorable when you pout," she cooed before pulling him into a comforting hug. The result was that, quite quickly, Flash had a content smile splayed across his muzzle. "Don't worry Flash, still I love you."

"Come along Stephanie, Flash," Nightmare Moon smiled as she turned and continued on. "Your accommodations are just up ahead…"

Blinking the sleep out of his eyes, Dawn found himself pulled from a pleasant dream by the unmistakable sound of someone being sick. The hollow echoing sound of somebody calling their uncle Ralph could only be made from a being bent over a porcelain throne. In other words, some poor schmuck was vomiting into a toilet, and seeing as how there was light coming from his private bathroom, that could only be one person.

"Jane, dear?" he called while slowly extracting himself from the warm covers of their bed.

"… I'm IN here…" her voice cracked, sounding tired and slightly disoriented at the same time. This of course made the pony of death that much more alarmed for his mate's well being.

"Are you feeling okay?" He asked as he trotted over towards the closed door.

"I've been better," she had to call out over the flushing gurgle of the toilet. "I think the cockatrice from yesterday's cookout isn't sitting to well."

"Huh, I'm sorry to hear that," Dawn began, yet had to flinch away when his human opened the door and bright light flooded the dark room. "Ummm, would you like me to call the royal physician, maybe he can…"

"No, that's quite alright, I'm feeling much better so maybe I finally got it out of my system," Jane cut him off.

"If you're sure."

"I'm sure," she smiled and kissed him, only to have the death pony suddenly jerk back out of her grasp. "Honey, what's wrong?"

"…you… forgot to wash your mouth out after…" he stammered, a green color showing on his cheeks as his tongue hung out. "You taste horrible."

"Ooh, sorry about that," she giggled before ducking back into the bathroom to brush her teeth.

Heaving a sigh Dawn turned back towards bed, only to have the alarm on the little radio/clock start to chime. "Crap, and I was having a really good dream too," he mumbled darkly, his magic reaching out for the almost empty bottle of Black n White. "Oh well, nothing to do now but start the day off right."

An hour later he found himself sitting down to a hardy breakfast of waffles, biscuits, hash browns, and fresh blueberries. All around him sat the royal sisters and their human boy-toys, except for Max who was now a trophy husband. As for Jane, she must have been feeling better for she was scarfing down waffles three at a time, drowning them in butter and syrup. I'm surprised she didn't choke from the way she inhaled them.

"Good morning my sisters," Celestia happily chirped as she practically danced in her seat.

"Oh please," Anon groaned from the other side of the long table, the whole time eying his little sister as she cuddled with Flash. "I hate morning people… and ponies. And everything except coffee."

"I concur," Moon yawned, "How can you be that chipper so early in the morning Tia?"

"And why are you human again," Luna wondered aloud.

"For the first question, I am the Sun Princess, so I have a thing for mornings," she began.

"It also helps if you have someone who likes to rev your engine before raising the sun," Max chuckled as he slipped into a seat next to her.

"Here, here." Stephanie happily agreed.

"As for me being human," she rolled her eyes before looking between Moon and Luna. "Haven't you two tried it yet, it's a lot of fun."

Both night sisters became strangely quiet. "So you two have tried being human, but have you tried sex while in the form?" Both were now blushing profusely. "So why didn't you say anything?"

"You didn't seem to think to highly about your first time," Luna spoke first, and then pointed a hoof towards her older sister's ample breasts. "And you spent all that day complaining about how those… things… kept getting in your way."

"They are called breasts," Tia gave a curt nod.

"Or fun-bags, sweater puppies, gazongas, hooters…" Max counted on his fingers.

"Jiggle jugs, tits," Anon added.

"Melons, nom-noms," Jeremy chuckled.

"BOOBS!" the three men called out together. Stephanie didn't even bat an eye at their antics.

"Correct," Celestia giggled "And I've gotten used to them."

"But they are so uncomfortable," Moon made an observation. "They stick out of your chest instead of your belly and the nipples get so sensitive that they become annoying."

"Then somepony's not taking care of them right," Luna cut in.

"Hey now," Anon snorted. "I happen to know a few things when it comes to boobs, so I take great care of them."

"Because you are a boob," Steph stuck out her tongue.

"Sensitive nipples," the Princess of the Sun questioned, ignoring the sibling rivalry. "Are your bras too tight?"

"What's a braw?" Luna and Moon blinked in confusion.

"Bra honey, spelled B. R. A." Anon clarified while reaching for a piece of toast. "It's a garment that cups and holds your… breasts…"

"It's an Over the Shoulder Bolder Holder," Stephanie piped up, grinning wildly.

"Regardless," Celestia cut in, giving all the males (and Stephanie) in the room a death glare to silence them. "I will set up an appointment for tomorrow, Luna, you and Moon will accompany me to Rarity's for measurements and to pick out a few styles."

"Why Rarity," the larger Night Princess inquired.

"I found Torque's hidden copy of Victoria's Secret in Hanna just after arriving and gave it to Ms Rarity for… inspiration," Max answered between bites of his toast. "Marshmallow butt has been making sexy lingerie for any and all female humans ever since."

"Sister, do you wear this…" Luna paused and glanced to Max.

"Lingerie,"

"Yes dear little sister I do," Sun-Butt smiled. "It is much like the racy undergarments we ponies have, but she uses the silk Mark gave her for Heart's Warming Eve, and it feels so wonderful against one's skin."

"Then I for one cannot wait," Moon happily chirped, now looking forward to a family trip to Ponyville. After that, things began to quiet down when there was a green flash of flame and a scroll appeared next to Celestia.

"Isn't it a bit early for Twilight to be sending you a report?" Luna inquired while dumping a generous amount of whip-cream on her waffles.

"Indeed," Tia nodded as she set her fork down and unraveled the scroll. However her delightful demeanor suddenly shifted to one of shock as she silently read the letter. "Oh my, this… This is wonderful news," she suddenly exclaimed, getting everyone's undivided attention.

"What pray tell has gotten you so excited dear sister," Moon was the first to ask.

"Judy, Big Mac's filly-friend, is pregnant," the elder sister announced happily. "Seems she had been having flu like symptoms for several days, yet last night she started feeling really ill so Mac took her to Ponyville's hospital… and early this morning Nurse Redheart gave them the wonderful news."

"That's odd," Jeremy piped up. "I thought ponies and humans couldn't interbreed…"

"I find it odder that she became ill as a side effect of getting pregnant." Moon said after swallowing a mouth full of hash browns. "I do hope there is nothing seriously wrong."

"Actually, most human females get what's called morning sickness when they become pregnant." Max stated. "With my aunt, it started around the 4th week and lasted a month."

"Morning sickness is a misnomer," Stephanie informed the table. "For some pregnant women, the symptoms are worse in the morning and ease up over the course of the day, but they can strike at any time and, for most women, last all day long. The intensity of symptoms can vary from woman to woman…"

She didn't get to finish however for there was a thud and clattering from down the table. Quickly all eyes turned to find Jane frozen in place, her fork having fallen from her grasp, and Dawn face down in his waffles. "What in the name of me do you think got into them," Celestia wondered, breaking the awkward silence.

"Well, let me be the first to congratulate the two of you," said a jovial Dr. Goodhoof as he entered the private waiting room. Upon learning that Jane had been feeling nauseous earlier that morning, Celestia had seen fit to teleport everyone, including the breakfast table, to the medical wing of the palace. And after an hour of waiting for the test results… well…

That poor table.

"So, I'm really pregnant," Jane asked in total disbelief. "It's not food poisoning?"

"Nope," the doctor beamed cheerfully. "According to the test results, you're almost 5 weeks along, so again, congratulations."

"You guys realize what this means," Anon addressed the others.

"It will be the first royal foal born in over 9,000 years," Celestia smiled.

"Ooh, that means we get to throw Jane one heck of a foal-shower," Luna happily said.

"Jane and Dawn will have to cut back on their drinking," Max wondered aloud. Dawn quickly thought 'fuck that, drinking harder until it arrives'.

"Yes to all of the above," Anon grinned. "But not what I was thinking."

"Ok, I'll bite, what did you have in mind," Jeremy asked.

"Following human tradition, it's not right for a single woman to give birth to a baby out of wedlock."

While in the later 19th century this ideal had fallen by the wayside, many women from 1985 on, were choosing to be single parents. This didn't stop Max from pulling out his alien carbine from his magic pocket and powering it up. "Woo-Wee! Looks like we here are going to have ourselves a genuine shotgun weddin," he chuckled as his voice took on a more Kentucky Hills accent.

"Damn it Mark," Dawn silently cursed as the image of the General silently mouthing 'Your next,' during Celestia's wedding, flashed through his mind.

While Dawn was slipping into his dark brooding place, Nightmare Moon decided to ask a question or two. "So Doctor, if a human female and pony male can produce offspring, then does it then stand to reason that a female pony can be impregnated by a human male?"

"That would only be the only logical conclusion," the good doctor nodded in agreement. "In fact, I would go so far as to say, that any mare who didn't have the Pregnancy Blocking spell placed on them before estrus week or let their existing spell laps, may very well be in for quite a shock."

Max, who had just finished putting his Covenant carbine away while Goodhoof was talking with Moon, felt the hairs on the back of his neck prickle. Slowly he reached out as he turned and placed a hand on Celestia, only to find she was shivering. "Is something wrong love?"

This in turn caught Luna's attention. "Tia, is something wrong?" she asked as she watched her sister's ears slowly droop, while a clearly fake smile sat plastered on her lips.

"Oh please, Celi," Moon caught on to the situation right quick. "Tell me didn't forget to renew the spell…"

"I..I didn't forget.." the sun princess gave a sheepish reply, which in turn caused a cold pit to form in Max's stomach. "I just decided not to."

"In the name of the queen, why would you do such a thing?" Luna gasped.

"I…We…that is to say," she tried desperately to think of an excuse, only she suddenly realized she didn't need to. "Just wait one fucking moment," she quickly regained her composer and once again stood tall and regal. "I will remind my sisters, and everyone else in this room that I am married. As such, it is my joy as a wife to bare the foals of my husband."

"She's got you there," Jeremy bumped his hip into Luna's.

"Well then," Dr Goodhoof cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "Princess Celestia, if you will just follow me, I think a physical is in order."

"Max… hello, is there any one home," Luna asked as she waved a hoof in front of the now catatonic man.

"You know, I wonder who else either forgot to renew the spell, or didn't think it necessary since the whole interbreeding thing was a no go," Anon wondered aloud, shooting a glance towards his sister as he found a seat and got comfortable.

"Fuck you too," Stephanie snapped back. "I'll have you know that I happen to be on the pill. Plus I just got here so I should be fine even if I wasn’t."

Meanwhile, back in Ponyville.

"Ummm, Mark, Sugarcube…" Applejack peeked her head past the door to his ‘home’ office. "Are y'all busy?"

"Hey AJ, come on in," the general smiled as he looked up from his not so favorite part of his job, paperwork. "And trust me, I could use the distraction."

"Then Ah may have some good news… Ah hope."

Suddenly an image of a green alicorn flashed within Mark's mind, and the memory of his conversation with the real Granny Smith came flooding back, causing his eyes to widen and for him to drop his pen.

You're fucked, General.

Author's Note

Meh, fuck it. No porn for you.

The Beast

"So this is where you lived for a thousand years?" Jeremy blinked in wonder as he walked along with Luna through gleaming halls of reinforced Plasteel (plastic-steel).

"Amazing, is it not?" His loving dark princess beamed. "Although it does lose much of its charm and wonder after a few hundred years of forced confinement."

"And how exactly did that work," he asked. "I mean, you're an immortal, couldn't you just walk out an airlock and fly back to earth?"

"Just because we are long lived does not mean we are immortal, removing our magic leaves us as vulnerable to death, as any other pony," Nightmare Moon stated from the head of the group. "And that was what Celestia did to us. She placed a magic shield over the moon palace that greatly reduced our abilities."

"Usually, when we want to go outside, we can erect a protective shield around ourselves with air inside," Luna elaborated. "But with our powers nullified, if we had stepped outside the palace, we would have suffocated and died in the vacuum of space."

"Harsh," Anon slowly shook his head.

"Indeed." Both night princesses nodded.

"However… you two do realize that the Moon Palace is just an abandoned human lunar colony, right?"

"I did figure that out," she smiled sheepishly. "After I met Mark and learned about human history."

"In this case it should be noted that WE figured it out," Nightmare Moon stated while Trixie trotted along taking notes. "Which is why we have brought our consorts here today, to share our palace with the one's we love."

"OHMYGODOHMYGOD!" Tobias darted from room to room and down the wide hallways ahead of the group, the slightly mad/ex-NASA scientist seemed absolutely astonished at what he saw. "This place is laid out exactly like Moonbase Alpha from Space 1999!"

"Say what now," Anon was taken aback.

"Space 1999, was a British sci-fi television show." The scientist exclaimed happily as he peered through another set of doors, definitely in total geek-out mode. "Holy shit, there's even a fully stocked Hydroponics bay!"

"British sci-fi television…" Jeremy blinked, "is that anything like Doctor Who, the time traveler Mark keeps talking about?"

"Now just hold on one fucking moment," Tobias spun on his heels and glared at Jeremy. "The Doctor isn't just some TV show… I happen to know he's real and lives in Ponyville."

"Okay, okay," the ex PFC relented, holding his hands as a sign of surrender.

"Come along Tobias, I think there is something you should see," Moon put a wing around his shoulder and guided him down the hall. A short walk later found the group before a set of double doors that slid open to reveal a large dark room beyond. "This," Moon smiled as she activated a power switch, "Is the Main Command Center."

Instantly Tobias went running to each of the command stations as they powered up, a gleeful look in his eyes. "This place is just like the show," the NASA man exclaimed before reading off each of the terminals. "We have everything from Medical, Reconnaissance, and Security… to Science and… Communications?"

"What's wrong Toby," Anon perked up. "Is the comm's station not accurate enough for you?"

"Ummm… No…" Tobias glanced up in confusion. "I was just wondering how long the 'Incoming Transmission' light has been blinking?"

"Say what now?" Moon and Luna demanded.

[Mark]

"Repeat, this is a warning from the colony ship RKA Argonautica. Three weeks ago we recovered a derelict space craft of unknown origins… an organic space craft… there were things on board the craft!" On screen, an agitated man who's collar showed lieutenant's bars, tried to get his wits together while delivering his last report. "Before we realized what they were, they had infested the Hibernation bay… all those people, dead. Those who weren't outright eaten, were used to make more… Oh God! He took a moment to gather himself, smacking his head a couple times.

"The things, we never gave them a name, they have an exoskeleton that's impervious to small arms fire, acid for blood, hard as hell to kill, and they act like a plague…" Slowly the Lt seemed to regain his faculties, his wild eyes focusing on something above the camera he was speaking to. "This ship and her entire crew are lost. If anyone receives this transmission, make no attempt to come to its point of origin. There is only death here now, and I'm leaving it behind. It is Christmas Day, the year of our Lord, 2194… This is..."

The man never got to finish, just as he was signing off something big and dark stood up behind him and… Celestia and her sisters turned away as the screen was covered in blood and chunks of brain. "So." Max turned and gave me a concerned look.

"Can you rewind the feed to the point just before his head explodes?" I asked as a cold pit began to form in my belly.

"Sure thing, Tobias showed me how." The Storm King nodded as the video began to rewind to the spot. Slowly it played until I told him to pause… and my fears became all too real. "Is that what I think it is?"

"It's a Xenomorph. God fucking damn it!" I scowled, throwing my helmet to the ground. "What the fuck kind of universe are we living in?!"

I swear, it's like we're a melting pot of crossovers for fucks sake!

"Hey, I got something," Toby called from another station, drawing everyone's attention. "The RKA Argonautica, built in conjunction by the United States, the Chinese, and the Russian Federal Space Agency. She was designed to be an Ark, her crew operating in 5 year shifts with 2/3rds of the crew remaining in hyper sleep in between shifts…"

"How many waking crew," I asked as a picture of the Argonautica appeared on the big view screen on the wall.

The diagram on the big screen showed a long tube segmented by a tapered disk, with each segment having a single ring/wheel thingy. According to the plans, the upper tube was for officers, Military, and VIP's, while the ring was left as parks and recreations. The lower was the homes and work space for the civilians, and the ring listed as farms. As for the oversized tapered disk, it was listed as Cryo-Sleep. At the very bottom of the ship was the drive section and shielding crap that I kind of ignored.

"A hundred ship's crew, two hundred military personnel, two hundred VIP's, and five hundred civilians/working class…" Tobias mumbled before shooting me a glance. "That's a thousand personnel living in five year shifts…"

"3,000 humans," Moon gave a low whistle. "That's got to be one hell of a big ship."

"But because it has cyro bays, then it would only be as big as it needed to house the bays and faculties for the sort-of skeleton crew needed to operate the ship." I said, crossing my arms. "So roughly a thousand humans awake, makes a smaller ship."

"Guys," Tobias spoke up. "I'm afraid I have bad news, and worse news."

"What's the worst news," I cringed as I asked.

"That ship is on a collision course with Equestria…"

"And the bad news," Luna blinked.

"We only have ten days before it passes close enough to the moon, to teleport onto the ship."

"Great, just great," I growled while rolling my eyes. "And how long after, will it reach earth?"

"Less than a day, 20 hours…" Toby sighed.

"Mark, I don't have to tell you that we can not chance that thing crashing to Equestria," Celestia stated as she watched me intently. "If any of those creatures survive…"

"Got it, get on board and find a way to destroy the ship," I nodded slowly before putting forth a major flaw in that plan. "So how do we get to the ship while it's still far enough away to divert?"

"Max, I think you can answer that one, can't you love," Celestia asked of her husband.

"Welllll…" he hesitated. I turned to him slowly, as the sound of a door creaking open came out from SOMEWHERE.

"Spill it T-Rex," I gave a growl as I put my arm around his shoulders and pulled him close.

"You know how your men scavenged what they could from the pelican that crashed?"

"Go on…"

"Well," he sighed, "The Pony Corps of Engineers and I got together and were able to bash together a working Pelican from all the pieces, then duplicate the blueprints for more."

"What did you say?" The pressure was increasing.

"While they belong to the palace guards, one per princess," Max clarified as he tried to get out of my ever tightening grasp. "The ponies have two fully functional D77-TC Pelican Dropships, each able to carry ten passengers comfortably. With a third nearly completed."

"Is there anything else you've been able to salvage without telling me?"

"A…A Warthog or two from the databanks," he smiled weakly, "but no weapons or tanks!"

"And just where are these Warthogs now?"

"Max owns one, and I own the other," Anon shot me a shit-eating grin. "Got a problem with that?" Instantly, I shot him the one handed salute and growled a bit.

"I better fucking get a duplicated one, or I swear to Odin y'all ain't gonna hear the end of this." After another moment of firmly grasping Max, I let him go and walked off.

Author's Note

If you guys see any additional spaces between my words, blame the formatting.

The Beast 2

"It feels odd, being back down here." I muttered as Celestia led me through the underground caverns under her throne room. It seems that during the past couple years they had excavated out a great deal of crystal to set up a secret weapons lab. One that I didn't even know about, and I practically had top level clearance.

"I bet it is." Celly mused, pursing her lips. "Truth be told, if it wasn't for that ship heading towards our planet I wouldn't have ever brought you here in the first place."

"What, you don't trust me with top secret toys?" One sideways look was enough for me to give her a shit eating grin.

"I don't fully trust your little diary, Mark." She dryly answered. Okay, had to admit she had a point there. I know how many people seem to fucking read the damn thing.

"And when were you going to admit that you all had pelicans?" I asked, tapping a finger against a piece of thigh armor while we waited for a large, heavyset crystal door to slide back. Once passing through, I could see the main objective of my interest; two pelican dropships that were fully functional. One was royal blue in color with a painting of Luna's smiling face on her nose, while the other was the standard matte green, but had Celestia in an admittedly sexy pose on the nose. There was a third under construction, mainly missing the engines, and already was painted up in a pitch black color with some dark purple highlights.

"Three armored D77-TC Drop Pelicans. Each sporting a chin mounted auto-cannon that will fire rubber bullets, beanbag rounds, or seventy millimeter APHEDU salvos. They also contain two ANVIL II-ASM rocket pods with eight missiles each." Celestia stated as I took in the beasts and the mechanics making adjustments to them.

"Max tell you to tell me that?" I asked, smirking when she just rolled her eyes. "How the hell did you get a hand on APHEDU rounds? I don't even think they had them in the first place!" Honestly they were gonna be badass if we ever had to fight anything with armor, though. Could probably get rid of a Xenomorph Queen with no problem.

"Magic." Of course. "You'll be taking mine, since Lunacae didn't exactly want hers to be rushed out and endanger you all, while your team can fit in one easily so there's no reason to take Luna's."

"How touching. We get to impress the big bad aliens with your fat ass." That got me a hard hoof to the back of the head, which I fully deserved.

It only took about ten minutes to convince little mister hourglass ass to bring in a colonial marine who had likely had his face chewed off by an alien to train us. After all, he would have the most experience fighting in zero gravity, and against xenomorphs as well. Truth be told we could have easily gotten the same training from Beck, but he wasn't exactly acquainted with our soon to be friends.

As a result, one Corporal Dwayne Hicks got to enjoy a new ODST suit, and we got to enjoy shooting ourselves around the moon with Thompsons, Vectors, 1911s, and 1887 lever action shotguns. While we were being thrown around in zero G's, it didn't take us long to learn how to use the terrain and any floating objects to keep from floating off into space and near certain death. A fate that O'Drake nearly experienced if it wasn't for the fact Lunacae was supervising us and dragged him back to the surface of her moon.

"No!" Looking up, I saw that Max and Celly were having a heated argument as they arrived into the hanger to see our teams off. I would be going in with Raptor Squad (the Kenov brothers, Ricotta, and Ash), while o'Drake, Ramirez, Nakitta, Hicks, and another new guy by the name of Billy were going in as Wolf Squad.

"Its okay Tia, I promise you that I'll only be there to fly the pelican." Max calmly said, putting a hand on Celly's back. I could see her hesitate despite his calm words. "I won't be in any danger, my helmet will be on the entire time, and I'll have a weapon to defend myself should I need to."

"Max, I've seen what these things can do..." She wasn't giving up on keeping here just yet.

"And I'll also have the pelican sealed up as soon as they leave." He added, causing her to finally relent and consent to him coming along. From the way they looked, they had been arguing about this for some time.

"Fine. But you are not going on the next dangerous mission Mark has, do you understand me?" I couldn't help but snort as he sheepishly nodded and came over.

"Whiiiipped." I heard Ramirez mutter, making a whip sound and getting Ricotta to snort in amusement.

"We all set guys? Time to head off." After saying goodbye to AJ, who was pretty pissed that I was endangering myself again as well, we boarded the Morning Glory and set off to the Argonautica.

Max, Mark gazing over his shoulder, was piloting his pelican alongside the Argonautica, looking for the shuttle hanger that was found in the Moon Palace's databanks.

"Fuck me, that's one big mother," Mark gave out a low whistle as Morning Glory drifted along the larger ship's hull.

"She must have come through the asteroid belt, or been hit by a meteor shower," Max quietly observed, pointing out various dents and breeches in the Argonautica's lengthy hull.

Indeed, the Argonautica had done just that, the worst damage was to the farming ring… or what was left of it. Huge sections of the lower habitat ring were twisted wrecks or completely gone, some debris still floating off into space behind the ship.

From there they finally come across the open hanger, just beneath the upper command section and the recreation ring. To Max and Mark's dismay, the hanger opening was barely large enough for the pelican to fit through.

Angling in, Max is able to thread the needle, only to discover that, not only does the Argonautica still have power, there was gravity inside the hanger… to which, the Morning Glory suddenly slammed to the ground and skidded to a halt halfway into the hanger, shoving cargo boxes out of the way.

"My bad, sorry guys," Max calls out over his shoulder, getting several dirty looks and a few fuck you's from the troops in the back.

"What the fuck T-Rex," Mark demanded, picking himself up off the floor of the cockpit.

"Seems the Argonautica has a force field around the mouth of the hanger, keep air in and space out," the prince called back while checking his flight systems for damage. "I had to push the Glory a bit to force our way through… and forgot about Argonautica's artificial gravity." Satisfied with the readouts, he turned to look in the back.

"Wait, so there's air out there?" Gunny asked, pausing from putting her helmet on.

"By what my scans are reading, yeah," Max nodded back. "It's a bit stale in here, but we have atmo."

"I don't care if the ship had atmosphere good enough to cleanse all of Equestria, keep your fucking helmets on," Mark ordered. "The hull has massive breaches and we have an infestation of parasitic-face humping-space monsters out there… better to play it safe. I do not want any of you having one of these xenomorphs popping out of your chest."

"Aww, he cares about us." Anderson muttered as the ramp lowered and the two squads spilled out, guns raised to their shoulders for any aliens. Satisfied that the hanger was secure for the moment, they made their way to separate doors on either side of the hanger, splitting up into their respective teams. Quickly and quietly they made their way to their objectives; Wolf to engineering and Raptor to the bridge.

Author's Note

All of the mentioned weapons in the little training bit can be used in a vacuum, so its scientifically accurate!

The Beast Ends

Quickly and quietly the two teams split up, one heading up to the ships bridge, and the other heading down to engineering. Mark's team was heading up to the bridge to find the ship's flight recorder, and any additional information, while Raptor team was to do as much damage to the engines and reactor as possible. With what Raptor had on them, they would be able to make it go critical if placed properly.

Along the way, they discover compartments and rooms that have had brief firefights in them, or were completely open to space, atmo pouring out as soon as the doors had opened. The only thing that saved them from getting sucked out was magnetized boots. They had even passed a shopping mall that ran up the center of the ship. By the looks of it, its main doors had been welded shut at one time, meaning the last of the crew had attempted to use the mall as a last ditch safety bunker… a bunker that failed.

Soon, Mark's team arrived at the bridge and, once quickly sweeping the area for hostiles, began stripping everything even remotely useful from the ship's computers. Mark went over to the flight computer and began downloading everything onto a flash drive, when he heard a crackle come over his helmet, which he had taken off for a moment.

"Wolf Team to Bubba, come in big Budda…"

"Report," Mark acknowledged after picking up his helmet and pinging his com.

"We found the main power core and set our charges," o'Drake stated. "60 minutes and counting till show time!"

"Good job Wolf Team, now get your asses back to the hanger deck ASAP."

"Already on our way," Livingston's smile could be heard in his voice. "Last one to the pelican buys a round for the other team."

"You're on," Mark chuckled, yet a startled cry issued forth before he could disengage his com unit. Suddenly confusion blared out from the General's helm and gunfire and screams erupted from the connection. "Wolf Team, report!" he demanded over the cacophony of noise and chaos.

"Jesus Christ! They're coming out of the vents!" Loud gunfire could be heard over the coms, which automatically deafened the reports to keep the listeners from going deaf. "Bulldog, watch your six!" Suddenly, there was a couple loud explosions and a scream of pain that Mark identified as Nakitta.

"Who the FUCK is using grenades?!" She screamed out. Another scream and a wet thump came as Mark watched Ramirez's symbol disappear, signifying his death. "Fuck, they got Hatchet!"

"Circle up people, protect the flank!" Hicks yelled out, trying to get them to stop panicking.

"What the hell..." Chief blinked in disbelief as he and the rest of Raptor Team stared at Mark's helm as a nasty bloodcurdling scream issued forth.

"Running retreat!" o'Drake could be heard over the din.

"FUCKING SON'S OF BITCHES, I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!" Billy yelled over the sound of his weapon on full auto.

Abruptly there was another explosion, and then static filled the com… followed shortly after by dead silence from everyone on the bridge.

"So what now?" Clockwork asked, breaking the hush that had enveloped Raptor Team.

"We did what we came here to do," Mark responded after taking a deep breath. "We have the ships flight recorder, and Wolf Team set the engines to overload before…"

"So we're just going to leave them?" Gunny didn't sound happy, glaring at Mark from under her helmet.

"We have 45 minutes till showtime," Nutcracker observed. "It would take 30 just to descend to Wolf's last location…"

"Look, I hate this as much as the rest of you, but we have no choice," Mark grunted as he slipped the last of the data recorders into the subspace pocket in his pack. "So gear up and let's get the fuck out of here."

"Clock, Gunny, if you two would take point," Anderson stated flatly as he checked the mag of his Thompson before sliding it home.

We booked our asses all the way back to the hanger, and it was as if the gates of hell had opened. From behind us was a wave of xenomorphs swarming towards us, black carapaces far more deadly than the ones of changelings. There was silence from us, except the barking reports of our weapons. The quicker of us, Gunny and Clockwork, cleared the way ahead of us with their model 1887s. And as we reached the hanger, we had to dive out of the way as the chin mounted cannon of Morning Glory spun up, giving all of us just enough time to get the hell clear before the hallway became a death trap of APHEDU.

"Everybody get the hell in here!" Max's voice rang out over the roar of his fuckoff gun, and we promptly did so. As I go to get a grenade from my pocket to keep the Xenos scattered for a moment so we could leave, my blood ran cold. Apple handed it to me.

'What in the fuck are you doing here?!' I yelled at her through our link, hauling her out. 'Do you not know how fucking dangerous this is?!' I could feel her shrink a bit from my harsh tone, but I wasn't in the mood to be nice.

'I-I thought I could help...' Was all she muttered as the bay door closed and the pelican scooted out of the hanger.

'This isn't like the Crystal Empire, Apple.' I told her as I made my way to the other end of the bay. 'This had a LOT more danger. One that I didn't know if I would be coming back from, to be honest.' She just silently listened as we began our trip back home, passing close enough to the ship to keep an eye on any hatches. Something made me pause, as I received a shitty transmission.

"M... Mark.." My eyes snapped open as o'Drake's voice came in through the fuzz. "I.. I don't know if you can hear this, but some of us are still here... Nakitta, Hicks, and I are strung up near the reactor.. they can't get our helmets off. If you don't come rescue us, I understand... Good luck either way, General..." With that, the transmission cut and I gripped a hand rail.

"How long until the engines go?" I asked Nutcracker, causing him to look a bit confused.

"Thirty seven minutes, sir." He answered. "Why?"

"Alright guys, listen up!" I rose my voice and got their attention. "I'm going on a suicide run for the three survivors down there and I could use some help. This is strictly voluntary, so stay seated if you're not going." To my pride, and a big amount of relief, everyone stood and checked their weapons. After a moment, I smacked the cockpit door open and went in.

"Max, put us as close to the reactor area as possible and wait for evac." I told him, and to his credit he didn't say anything as he piloted us over. As soon as we were in position, I dumped Apple in his lap, startling both of them, and locked them in the cockpit.

'You're not coming with us, I'm not getting you killed as well.' I told her, before cutting off communications with her. Depressurizing the bay forced a hard seal on the cockpit, so I knew she couldn't follow. And I doubt she could convince Max to let her out, either.

Once the door lowered, we launched ourselves onto the outer hull of the ship and moved our way to the nearest working airlock. Once inside, Nutcracker studied schematics for a moment, before leading us down to where the reactor was. Thankfully we entered somewhere that was only five minutes away. The fact that we didn't run into any Xenomorphs was not lost on us, especially when we pulled the lucky three down from their cocoons. They didn't have any weapons, but we handed our sidearms over so they could be of some use on the way back... Of course, that's when it went fucky.

We were on the way back to the airlock when something slammed into me, taking me off of the catwalk and a dozen meters to the ground. Thankfully my pack and armor absorbed most of the imapct, but it still stunned me just enough for the Xenomorph to get up. I was able to get up as well, but what concerned me was that it wasn't attacking, instead backing up. Son of a bitch... My sixth sense was yelling at me, and my HUD comes up online with something big standing behind me.

"Ah fuck me..." Glancing behind me, I notice the jaws of a twenty foot tall Queen Xenomorph, ready to murder. Slowly turning around, I'm quick enough to dodge the big tongue-mouth that shoots out, and I bolt for the other side of the hanger we had ended up in. Pulling out my magical gun, I swapped to some of the heavier, man portable guns I knew of to try and damage her. All I did was piss her off enough to bitch slap me across the hanger, causing me to lose, at the time, my RPK. Oh, and my leg.

Just as he is down to his trusty 1911, the Queen knocks him off his feet, tail slicing past and severing his left leg at the knee. All seems lost, the counter on his HUD reads less than 3 minutes to boom-time and a very angry Queen was now standing over him about to give the killing blow… when a loud, feral roar interrupts his impending death.

"GET AWAY FROM MY DADDY YOU BITCH!" Crouched low in a hand-to-hand battle stance was another Xenomorph Queen, only this one was covered in gold and silver ODST Armor that sported Celestia's cutie mark on its shoulder plates. Somehow Apple had gotten Max to give her his armor and she had come to save her father. Incredibly, while Mark knew that the armor was enchanted to resize and shape for its owner's alternate pony, griffon, dragon form, he hadn't realized it could match a changeling's shape shifting abilities.

Quickly his mind was snapped back to reality when Queen Apple lunged forward, slamming Max's human sized helmet into the Xeno Queen's jaw. Unfortunately for Max, it shattered on impact, but did stun the Xeno for a good moment.

The two queens battle fiercely both slashing, stabbing, and biting at other as the HUD counter drops to 2 minutes. While they were fighting, he did his best to stop the blood loss, thankful once his armor's safety settings kicked in and sealed off his wound with the undersuit. Apple Queen quickly getting the upper hand/claw due to the protection of her armor. During the battle she suddenly judo flipped the Xeno Queen, and then tossed something to Mark.

"Dad, the wall to your left…NOW!" Blinking in surprise he realizes that he was now holding a spiked grenade. Without questioning her, he armed the weapon and flung with all his might, thanking Major for going over how to use them.

The grenade slammed into the far wall and stuck, just as Apple snagged the Xeno Queen by her tail and right ankle. With a snarling grunt his alien daughter heaved the surprised Queen in a pin wheeling arc and smashed her back plates into the jutting blades of the grenade. "Get down!" the armored Queen snapped as she flung herself to cover his body. Nearly crushing him, but she was careful to not put weight on his leg stump, or too much on his body.

The Xeno Queen must have realized what was about to happen, for she let out a frantic scream just before her chest exploded outward. However, instead of showering the two in metal fragments, bits of Xenomorph innards, and acid, the resulting explosion billowed out only a few feet before being sucked back through the alien Queen and out into space.

With acid, fire, and a struggling Queen being sucked out into the void beyond, it wasn't long before the entire wall disappeared. Scooping up her father, Apple Queen spun and launched herself into space… "Apple, wait, you don't have a helmet!" He tried to say as he glanced up at her exposed, frilled head, only space didn't allow for sound.

'It's okay, daddy,' she reassured him though their mental link, something that surprised him since he closed it about half an hour ago. Tilting her massive head she gave him a sharp toothed grin, 'these creatures can survive in space, so I'm good.'

After a few moments of drifting, the two were rescued, pulled into the troop bay of the Glory just as Mark's HUD counter reached 20 seconds. Once secured, Max kicked the pelican over and they sped away as fast as the engines would allow.

With the bright flash of light that had once been the Argonautica slowly dimming behind them, Mark took a moment from celebrating with his men to gaze down at his daughter. "If you're going to keep following me into danger…"

"And saving your life," clarified the changeling now resting on his lap.

"And saving my life," he chuckled, "we should at least get you your own set of ODSTs."

"Really," she gasped in surprise, spinning around in his lap to lock him in a hug. o'Drake just shook his head as he worked on the stump that used to be Mark's left leg, making sure that he wouldn't bleed out by the time he could get actual medical help.

"She can just have mine," Max's voice came over the intercom interrupting the father/daughter moment.

"Hey Max, that reminds me," Gunny spoke up. "If Apple is in your armor… what are you wearing?"

"Remind me to burn this harness chair when we get home…" Was all the prince said, keeping the door to the cockpit locked from his side.

While the rest of the teams got a good chuckle out of it, Apple took a moment to examine her new armor. "And what are you thinking little one," Mark finally inquired after several minutes.

"Electric blue and satin black," she smiled up at him, "I think my armor would look good in those colors."

After a moment, Mark smirked down at her. "You can paint them once we get home... and after you're no longer grounded. For a month."

"B-But..." She bit her lip and tried the cuteness bomb. It didn't work.

"And whatever your mother sentences for you as well. The month of being grounded is from me."

Apple just whined.

Author's Note

I blame video games for stalling. And he was supposed to keep that, but hell why not.

Versailles

After Max touched down and opened the ramp, there was a team of medics and one Major there to collect Mark, who had radioed ahead and let Williams know he was injured, since the King-to-be was actually up at 3 in the morning. He was also there, but staying out of the way for the ponies to do their thing.

“… Yeah there’s no saving his leg.” Blackjack stated after staring at the stump for half a second. “Unless you’re hiding the other half somewhere on here, I doubt we can reattach it.”

“Well, it was worth a shot.” Jeremy sighed, before waving at the others. “Come on, Luna and I are gonna debrief you all while Mark rests.”

“In all due respect sir, just seal off the leg. I can get a prosthetic later.” Mark said, before looking down at BJ. The unicorn shrugged, started up her magic, and did her best to heal the stump to where Mark wasn’t going to bleed out if taken out of his suit.

“There you go sir.” Jeremy was just shaking his head.

“… Fine. Someone carry his stupid ass.” Major shook his head and lifted the man like it was nothing, considering that the armor alone was probably close to 50kg. And a Xenomorph went through it like butter. Jeremy lead the group down several halls, corridors, and staircases, before stopping at a nondescript doorway. “Step in, and wait for us to get back.” Major unceremoniously dumped off Mark and left with the other human, leaving the squads alone.

“So, wonder how long we’ll be waiting here.” Gunny muttered as she took a seat.

“Not too long, Sunbutt’s the one who enjoys making people wait.” Mark said, grimacing as he shifted in his own seat. “Fucking… feels weird, like if its still there.”

“I’ve heard that people who are amputees can sometimes feel the missing part years after the fact it was removed.” o’Drake said. Mark simply shrugged and they waited in silence, for about ten minutes, before Jeremy came back with Luna.

“So, let us start at the beginning, shall we?” Luna sat down in a chair as everyone turned to Mark, who was in the process of injecting a syringe of morphine into his thigh.

“… What?” He finally asked. “This fucking hurts, sealed off or not.”

“You’re the highest ranking personnel that went on the mission, boss.” Gunny pointed out, causing him to grumble.

After a lengthy explanation to the princess and prince about what happened on the Argonautica, Mark was finally allowed to be taken to the hospital, where he was wheeled into surgery to save the rest of his leg. And have measurements taken for a prosthetic. While I watched a couple of Dawn’s guards wheel him off, Luna came up to me.

“I’m assuming that the UNSC has been sticking to similar chain of command structures that we have, am I correct?” She asked as we stood in a room overlooking the operation room.

“That is correct, princess.” I stated, giving her nothing more than a glance.

“Until he is properly up and walking, you’re in charge of the human branch. I hereby promote you to brigadier general, Major.” I simply nodded in understanding. “You also never told me your name.”

“In due time, princess. You can keep calling me Major for now. Or General, I guess.” I gave her a shrug and walked out, thinking on how my new rank would affect my missions. Especially with that world summit coming up in a couple weeks, being a general would hinder my intelligence gathering significantly. With a sigh, I went off to my office to begin making preparations and adjustments.

“Ah have half a mind to beat the hell out of ya.” I cracked open my eyes to see AJ standing next to my bed, a heart monitor beeping next to me and all manners of tubes running into my body. “But whatever it was that y’all went to fight beat me to the kick.” I couldn’t help but find that funny for some reason. It was probably the morphine.

“Howdy ho, AJ.” I mumbled, shifting around. “Where’s Apple?”

“That’s half the reason Ah want to beat ya.” Before she could continue, I pressed a finger to her lips and made her quiet down. I ran the risk of getting it bitten off, but I was too high to care.

“I’ve already grounded her for the next month.” I stated tiredly, adjusting myself before continuing. “You get the other half of the punishment.” Seeing her confusion, I chuckled quietly. “She stowed away in my pocket, I didn’t want to take her because it was practically suicide.”

“That’s the other half...”

“Regardless of her hiding away or not.” I grunted and slowly sat up. “The only reason I didn’t go full nuclear is because of her. She saved my life, and I’ll at least give her that. Even if she disobeyed me twice.”

“So, what are y’all gonna do?”

“Honestly, I suggest banning her from that summit I am legally obligated to attend.” I shrugged and gave AJ a smirk. “We both know how much she wants to go, and she’ll probably actually listen to you when you bar her from going. Lord knows she’d hide away again with me.”

"Who’s all going to that shindig, anyway?”

“Well, Celestia, Max, Major and I...” I pursed my lips, attempting to think through the morphine fog. I hated the stuff for a good reason. “… Can’t really think of who else would be attending. Applebloom and the girls aren’t, that’s for damn sure.” We got a chuckle out of that, thinking of the many ways that the trio would fuck up relations.

“So, how long do they think y’all will be holed up in here?” AJ got up on the bed and snuggled up to me once I laid back down.

“Hell if I know, before we leave I guess.” I muttered, closing my eyes and rubbing her side gently. “How much do you wanna bet they’ll stick a prototype prosthetic on me and call it a day?”

“Twenty bits says they won’t.”

I got twenty bits. Thanks Major.

When I got used to my new leg (which took about a week), courtesy of Major and the eggheads, I was allowed to get out and walk around. Which meant that I immediately stumbled across a lightly heated argument between Celestia and one of the older guards about her chosen mode of transportation to the summit.

"Because, Captain, we will not be in any danger and there aren’t enough of us to justify the use of several chariots.” She was explaining, before noticing me. “Ah, Mark! How’s the new leg working out for you?”

“Eh, it feels stiff and metallic.” I shrugged and meandered over. “So, what’s going on?”

“I was just telling her Highness how much most of us distaste the idea of her escort being one of your machines.” Aegis stated, straightening up a bit. “Of course, there’s no disrespect, but with the current tensions with the gryphons, and the fact that there’s hardly any security on them once its in the air...”

"Aegis, rest assured if anyone boarded our pelican with the intent of assaulting any of us, rest assured they’d be forcibly ejected out the way they came in with a big ass hole in them, courtesy of the new general.” I gave Celly a bit of a look at the fact that Major was promoted without at least informing me beforehand. “14.5x114mm rounds tend to make people regret everything.” I do wonder how the hell he managed to keep a fucking SRS-99 hidden for so long, but I didn’t mention that. After a bit more talking, Aegis finally relented and went off to reassure the concerned troops that the royalty was not in danger.

“Thank you for coming in and helping, Mark.” Celestia sighed as we went towards the throne room. “Faust knows he’s stubborn as a rock when it comes to my protection.”

“He’s just doing his job, Sunbutt.” I avoided the wing. “Frankly if it wasn’t for the fact that we would easily kill any fucko trying to kill you all, I’d agree with him. The whole pregnancy and all.” She just rolled her eyes as we started walking. “So, on Major’s promotion..."

“Blame Luna and Lunacae, not me.” She said, shaking her head. “I had no idea until I was informed as well.” I just shrugged. “Does anyone else want to come along, or will it just be the four of us in Luna’s pelican?”

“Nope, Apple’s still grounded for that shit she pulled, and even if she wasn’t, school’s started a week ago.”

"Did she not save your life, Mark?” She rose an eyebrow.

“That’s why I only grounded her for a month.”

"You humans are weird.”

I won’t jot down anything related to getting to the Versailles Summit, because goddamn was it boring, the only high point of the trip was Major picking off a couple harpies to show off his big ass rifle. I really wanted to kick him in the head but I stopped myself. I couldn’t hate him for having it, but I could be annoyed that he refused to let Xerox clone the damn thing. Anyway, it took us about a day to get from Canterlot, all the way over to Prance. Luckily for us and the fuel, Canterlot was in Washington DC, if I never mentioned it before.

"C'est mon honneur d'accueillir la princesse du soleil pour le sommet de Versailles," a snooty looking pony in fancy dress and pantaloons announced, bowing as Celestia stepped down from the ornate carriage. "Nous avons déjà préparé votre villa."

"Merci," the princess responded as Max and the rest of the delegates from Canterlot joined her. "S'il vous plaît nous montrer le chemin."

"What going on," Max asked as he watched the fancy pony whistle, instantly 4 unicorns came trotting up and floated their luggage.

"He welcomed me to the Versailles Summit, and that our rooms have already been prepared," Tia smiled as they began to walk across the palace of Versailles' huge courtyard.

"Oh..." he blinked. Growing up in Kentucky all his life, Max had never needed nor cared to learn French, so had to take her word for it.

"Here, allow me help you," she said, her horn began to glow and was followed by a slight popping in his ears. "That should help you understand whatever language is spoken around you."

"Mind if I get in on some of that?" Mark asked, only to get a sly smile from the princess… though her horn did light up. Major just shook his head when she offered to spell him.

Max was about to question how said magic worked when their guide waved them towards a large building, "Please, this way," he smiled. "As requested your party has been assigned the entire west wing of the south villas."

"And whom may I inquire, is in the east wing," Celestia turned her attention back towards the guide.

"With regards to what happened last year, and the treaties your kingdom has with theirs," the pony was fidgeting as he spoke. "It was decided that the east wing would go to… Them!" His last word held a lot of contempt in it.

"And who would they be," Mark asked, however the odd look the guide gave him told the general that while he understood the pony, the pony had no clue as to what he asked.

Interesting thing was that Mark's question was soon answered another way.

"Why, greetings neighbor!"

"Chrysalis," Mark quickly stepped up and gave the changeling queen a hug.

"Will you be okay with the arrangements?" The guide asked, not looking at Chrysalis.

"It will do just fine," Celestia reassured him. "Chrysalis and I have long sense buried our differences… though it is nice to see that she has arrived on time for once."

"And I love you too," Chrissie giggled while sticking her tongue out.

"Well then, that is good to hear," the guide chirped happily before trotting off again. "Come now, let's get you settled in…"

"So, did you happen to bring that cute little farm mare with you," the queen wondered of Mark. "Or do I get you all to myself?"

"I'm afraid Applejack couldn't make it," Mark sighed as they fell into step. "First Snow is in two days and she's in charge of ground clean up."

"Such a pity, and here I was hoping for a threesome," Chrissie ribbed him, knowing full well that the human was totally loyal to his pony wife. Though if AJ offered... "And what of little Apple?"

"She has school and was sentenced to death by grounding for disobeying me and joining in on a pretty dangerous mission.” Chrysalis knew he was joking about the whole death thing, but nodded.

The large building that had once (a long, long time ago) been the northern and Southern Minister's wings to the palace, was transformed some time ago into diplomatic suites. Each building was divided into two sections, with kitchen, dining hall, and guard rooms on the first floor and several rooms for visiting nobles on the second.

"This is your suite your highness," the guide nodded to her room. "While the next two are for your delegates, and the last is for the hairless Apemen."

"They are called humans," Chrysalis clarified.

"They are not a subspecies of Opars from the Congo kingdom?" the pony blanched.

"Opars..." Mark asked, slightly confused.

"Descendants of the Silverback Gorillas and the nearest thing to humans our world ever saw," Chrissie told the general. "That is until the real thing came along."

"So we have relatives attending the conference," Max asked in wonder.

"Actually, you do… just not the Opars," Celestia replied, chuckling at her consort's bewilderment. "In actuality, the Minotaurs are the last living descendants of what was the human race."

"Well, if everything is to your liking…" the guide started, only to be stopped by the sun princess.

"Actually, if you could have Max's things brought up to my suite."

"You wish to have him stay with you," the fancy pony was suddenly taken aback, his wide eyes darting between Max and Celestia.

"Well he is bucking her after all." Chrysalis shrugged her wings.

"He likes royal plot and he can not lie…" Mark started to sing, butchering the song.

"Come along Max," Celestia ignored the taunts as she ventured into her room. "It was a long trip and I need to relax."

"See," both Mark and Chrissie chuckled after Max closed, and locked the door.

It wasn't long after that the gossip of the sun princess' odd taste in lovers quickly spread throughout the conference. Mostly by Chrysalis.

Author's Note

I love it when copying a chapter makes you spend half an hour hunting down unnecessary italics.

Edit: Apparently one snuck in out of spite.

Versailies 2

List of Major Foreign Delegates Attending

Europe:

Minotaurs, kinda look like the Tauren but more colorful

Dragons, big, scaly, lots of sharp teeth

Griffins, cat/birds

Cynocephalys, Diamond Dogs, woof wolf

Ponies, I like big butts…

Hippogryphs, Buckbeak!

Asia:

Yeti, Harry and the Hendersons (fuck they’re real!)

Nagas, world of warcraft shit with green scales, I kid you not

Garudas, humanoid birds, naked human bodies with feathered bird heads

Tibaxi, humanoid cats, furry fans rejoice

Wyverns

Equestria/North America:

Ponies

Cynocephalys

Griffins

Changelings, sexy bug ponies

Human delegation, that’s us!

UNSC, what?

Central/South America:

Burros, Donkey!

Giant Spiders, fuzzy oversized tarantulas (friendly but still yucky)

Nagas, red scaled ones

Africa:

Wemics, look like Liontars, lion/centaur

Zebras, thank god, not the religious zealots

Opars, Gorillamen of the Congo (planet of the apes)

Durmars, Giant Spiders but like Mark’s pet (even scarier)

"Huh, I wonder why some of the races appear more than once," Mark asked while looking over a pamphlet that not only had a list of the festivities for the next 7 days, but the delegates that would be attending. Several of the races listed had little notes attached that Max had added.

"Celestia explained it to me last night," Max said as the two men walked together towards the main palace. "It's kinda like how we humans used to be, one race but many governments and separate kingdoms."

"Oh, so the Griffon kingdom in Equestria isn't related to the one here in Europe?" Mark really needed to pay attention to countries outside of the continent.

"Genetically, yes, government wise, nope…" the Master Sergeant clarified while they ventured through the palace and out into the vast gardens beyond, where all the delegates were to do a meet and greet… or as Celestia explained, a shake hooves and kiss ass session.

"Holy Mary mother of…" together the two humans stepped out onto the Water Terrace, and froze. Before them was a myriad of creatures in a variety of colors, all talking and mingling about the two large ponds. Some had drinks in their hands, claws, hooves, or whatever, while others nibbled on the assortment of foods provided. The two humans spotted Major’s armored body off in one corner, listening to two Tibaxians and a Naga tell stories.

"Tell me you're seeing this," Mark demanded in a soft tone.

"The who's who of Mythological creatures," Max whispered back, "Eeyup."

"There you are General," both men jumped slightly as Celestia led a contingent of 4 rather beefy minotaurs up to them. "High Chieftain Bron Stormhorn, I would like to introduce General Mark Durnkinscoff, leader of Equestria's human military."

"An honor I'm sure," Mark forced a smile as the 8 foot tall bullman reached out a meaty hand and shook his vigorously.

"No, the honor is mine revered ancestor," Stormhorn bowed his head. "To meet not only the leader of men, but a seasoned warrior… I am humbled." Mark decided not to correct the king in saying that he wasn’t an infantryman.

“Well, not exactly the only leader now.” Mark stated, nudging Max. “Max here, and Major who’s over in the corner there, along with several men who didn’t come, help me lead.” Max barely suppressed his feeling of horror as Stormhorn turned his attention to him. Thankfully for the flyboy, Stormhorn merely nearly broke his hand as he shook hands.

“May I ask what it is that you used to do?” Bron asked as he led Mark towards Major, leaving Max with Celly and the other minotaurs. Mark shrugged after a moment as he contemplated.

“I’m a Marine, part of the United States Marine Corps. We used to be primarily used for spearheading the way onto a beach, or helping the boys in the Navy protect their boats. While I was back home, we were used as a more elite version of the Army.” Elite but generally getting some of the shittier equipment. He added silently. “We had around two hundred thousand personnel at any given time.”

While walking up to the group, I noticed that Major had found the time to somehow fucking paint ‘ONI’ across his chestplate, causing me to grimace.

“I take it you’re representing your own here?” I asked, causing him to look up.

“That’s correct. So I’m a diplomat for the week, not a soldier.” He answered, causing Bron to grunt and shake hands with him. I could tell that Bron was impressed with how huge Major was, the man was able to look eye to eye with the minotaur without the latter bending down.

“Might I ask your name, representative?” One of the Tibaxians asked, while I was glad my helmet hid a smirk.

“Major will do. Or ONI, one of the two.” He merely stated. “General Mark, High Chieftain.” He departed, confusing Storm a bit. We didn’t mention the bull at all.

“How...”

“Don’t ask. You probably should do a head count later.” He blanched a bit at that.

[Major]

Date [Redacted]

Operative [Redacted]

Operation [Redacted]

While I will accept Mark’s request to report on my work while I am here, I will black out anything I deem need-to-know only. As such, I will print out, black out, and destroy any digital evidence, leaving only paper copies, of which only one set shall exist. Some might call this paranoid, after all you have to die to get here.

The problem is, I’m not dead and neither is Beck. So until my body is physically put in the ground to rest, I am still an ONI Operative. And it is my sworn duty to ensure the survival of the human race.

So I hide things from Mark. No big deal, right?

Anyway, I depart from the main delegate hall and head on through the courtyard towards the secondary hall, where smaller species meet up, following a hint from one of the green Naga. They had told me about a race of warriors that were bipedal, the same height as I was, and had a ‘split’ jaw, who worked for them as bodyguards and mercenaries. I can only think of one species that matches that description, and as such I went to check it out.

And I was right.

“Human!” A Sangheili wearing the somewhat ragged, but still upkept remains, of a set of Minor armor called out. Several helmeted heads turned, mostly Majors but there was one Ultra that stalked forward.

“Sangheili.” I firmly stated, crossing my arms over my chest as I depolarized my visor to meet the Ultra’s stare. After a long, tense moment, he held out his hand and we clasped it.

“So you’ve survived after all, Major.” He rumbled as I took him in. “How did you come here?”

“A Slipspace incident.” I answered. “I’m going to assume the same of you all, Thypa.” He nodded. “How many?”

“Not enough for an army, I will tell you that much.” He answered, before looking around at the others and giving them a nod. The Elites dispersed back among the other races, leaving us alone. “We have been on this planet for nearly a decade now. Do you know where it is?”

“Earth.” These guys were Separatists, so I didn’t feel the need to hide it from them. His eyes widened in shock. “Roughly two billion years into the future.”

“So… There’s no going back to Sanghelios...” He looked off to the side, deep in thought. “Should I inform them?” I merely gave him a shrug at that.

“I might need the services of a couple squads in the future, Thypa. Would you be able to give them to me if I asked?”

“We are mercenaries now, but for you, I would give you all of us to fight.” He answered after a moment. I patted him on the shoulder and gave him a nod.

“You can start a new clan here. Honor your ancestors and keep your race alive. Us humans are doing the same here as well.” He sighed and nodded.

“And you?”

“I’m not looking for a mate, if that’s what you’re asking.” I replied, looking over at the minors. “Equipment conditions?”

“Our armor is still mostly functional, but our weapons have been rendered inoperable years ago.” He stated as we moved through the hall. I took a moment to remove my helmet, before accepting a drink from a pony servant who was obviously out of his depth with all the Sangheili around. “And you?”

“I can get you UNSC munitions in return for your future service.” I answered. “Of course, it would take a while to have them transported over to you.” He nodded and gave me coordinates for the place they called home. I had to suppress a snort, as they were living in Nagasaki. Apparently the same place the Asian Nagas were residing.

Of course, since I’m the one filling out this report, the events for this may or may not have occurred. If everything goes to plan, this entire report is false.

Author's Note

Yeah I know its getting ridiculous, but I have never stated that this was a serious fic.

Also why the hell did it paste out with 5 breaks between a paragraph?

Versailles 3

[Mark]

"Ay yo, Max!" I called out as I crossed the cobblestone street after snagging something for AJ. With the conference in full swing and having little to do, I went souvenir shopping. Along the way I spotted Celestia's favorite sex toy sitting outside a little Minotaur run bistro, and decided to head over. "Fancy meeting you out… Is that a steak?" Looking up from the large, thick, slab of meat he had just cut into, he gazed at me like I had just stated, "Oh look, the sky is blue."

"Nope, I got really hungry, so I had the chef cook up my boots." He said while setting his knife and fork down, he reached into the vest he wore and pulled out… nothing, and held the nothing out towards me as he stated, "Here's your sign."

It took me a moment to realize what just happened, while Bill Engvall was not one of my favorite comedians, there isn't a Marine alive who hadn't heard of The Blue Collar Comedy tour… "I can't believe I just stepped into that one," I gave out a groan as I flopped into an adjacent chair.

"Don't sweat it," he chuckled and to my surprise, cut a hunk off his steak and placed it on an unused plate, before sliding it over to me. "How's the souvenir hunting going?"

"The what now," I asked, not realizing he was talking for all my attention was now focused on the dream before me.

"What's in the bag," he nodded towards the sacks I had been schlepping around as he held out his knife and an unused salad fork to me.

"Thanks," I said as I attacked the steak. "As for the bag, I've been getting a few things for the family, from a snow-globe for Bloom, to an assortment of jams for Granny."

While we were talking a fancy looking stallion walked by, he paused long enough to glare daggers at us before giving a snort and walking off. While I knew Minotaur's ate meat, I suddenly had to question just what I was about to shove down my maw. "It's beef," Max said, setting my mind at ease. "I asked before ordering, Minotaur's don't eat Pony… or Zebra."

"Cool," I declared, after cutting up my stake into manageable portions, I handed Max back his knife and dug in. God in heaven, I haven't had a stake that tender in a long fucking time. It practically melted in my mouth.

So we sat there for the next half hour just enjoying ourselves… until a group of changelings trotted by. "Oh, greetings and salutations royal consorts," one of them said as they passed.

"Don't look at me," I waved him/she/it off and nodded at Max. Damn it, you would think that after all this time spent with Apple, that I would be able to tell. "He's the one fucking a princess."

"But are you not also a concubine to a princess," he asked while tiling his head in wonder.

"I'm kinda married to an earth pony," I corrected it.

"But you are also bonded to our glorious Queen's daughter, are you not?"

The world suddenly went quiet and a cold pit began to form in my belly. "Would you care to explain," I asked in a scary calm voice as I gently draped an arm over the changeling and pulled it close.

"I can since the bond you have with the juvenile queen," it shot me a concerned look. "You did accept the royal mental link and become the young Queen's mate…"

"I have a link with my adopted daughter, Apple, a young parent-less changeling I found lost near Ponyville," the pit in my stomach was growing bigger by the second.

"You don't know... do you?" It blinked in mild confusion.

"Enlighten me…" I hissed.

"While it is true that the Queen lets us, her drones breed, and we are very protective of our young," it said as it began to fidget in my grasp. "If the Queen feels that the hive's future is in danger of dying off, she creates a new Queen… That new Queen is self-sufficient at birth and leaves the hive soon after to look for a mate and start a new hive."

I was stunned.

"Didn't Chrysalis say the reason for her attack on Canterlot was that her hive was starving to death?" Max piped up, not realizing he was voicing the thoughts running through my head.

"What about the link," I asked.

"The new Queen is too young to speak at first, so when she finds a suitable mate she establishes a mental like so they can communicate." The changeling informed me. "It also allows her to feel and feed off the mate's emotions without harming him."

My whole world had just slammed to a stop and the only thing I could ask was, "Why didn't someone tell me?"

But someone had, Applejack had tried on several occasions to tell me, to warn me, but I had shrugged it off to her being prejudiced towards Changelings.. But now I could see what she had been trying to do, and why Chrysalis was always curious about Apple's well being. 'Apple loves you and would follow you into the maw of Tartarus.' AJ's words came back from our time at the Crystal Empire…

"Huh, looks like that Johnnie kid isn't the only one in a… herd…" Max started to say, only to be silenced by my intense stare.

[Major]

I could tell that something was deeply troubling Mark from all the way across the street, but fuck if I cared at the moment. I was too busy talking to Chrysalis to go and check on him.

“Huh.” She suddenly said, looking over as well. “He didn’t know?”

“Know what?” I took a sip of water, sliding my glass to the bartender.

“About Apple being my daughter.” I snorted in amusement. “What?”

“Mark wouldn’t have been able to tell Apple was your kid if the two of you shoved an extensive family tree in front of him.” I answered.

“She’s not a goat, Major.” I rolled my eyes at her. “And has anyone but him found out about that little secret of yours?”

“He’s an idiot, but he doesn’t talk.” I answered, picking up the new martini that the bartender handed back. “Him and you are the only ones who know. The only ones who didn’t come from my universe, anyway.” Beck and the Shangheili wouldn’t tell on me anyway, so I wasn’t concerned.

“So, when do you think you can come and train my… Drop Troops?”

“Orbital Shock Drop Troopers.” I clarified, putting my fork down. “And the only way they’ll earn the O and D in their designation is if you guys build rockets and drop pods.”

“When do you expect that to happen?” I let out a chuckle. “With you helping, anyway.”

“About ten years.” Shrugging, I gestured over in Mark and Max’s direction. “The real roadblock is Mark, he wants you all to develop everything by yourselves.” With magic, and the huge amount of resources the Hive has, that was really the only roadblock. I wasn’t going to get rid of it, of course.

“I bet he’ll shoot you when he finds out you showed us how to make rifles and the industry to support them.” She smirked and finished off her margarita. “Want to go dance later?” I hummed a bit as I swirled the olive in my glass around, debating it.

“… Fuck it, why not.”

“And probably me as well.” She cheekily shot back.

“As long as you don’t use me for kids.” That got her to raise an eyebrow and smirk.

“I produce nymphs, not goats.” I hit her for that.

Author's Note

I think I'm sick or something, I'm not waiting a month to update this thing.

Versailles End

The last day of the conference was the mock battle, and I could just tell that Max, Major and I would in our element; two beings who had been trained in the art of gorilla warfare.

"So, I know this will make you feel like an ass but I need you on my team." I told Max after we got a map for the location. The teams had up to five members, which already put us at a disadvantage. And Major was even worse off because he was still representing the UNSC, the traitorous coward!

A mock-up of the Everfree Forest. I briefly wondered if zombies were in the thing, but shrugged it off.

"Not a prob, though it feels like I'm betraying Tia..." He muttered as I passed him his weapon; an M1 Garand with enchanted bullets and magical silencer. Upon impact, the bullets would numb a body part, or just 'kill' the victim, depending on where it hit. I was using an MP-40 and my M1911, along with my energy gauntlet. All of the grenades had been enchanted by Sunbutt herself, since nobody else knew what the fuck they were.

"Good; it means that you're loyal to her." I said with a click on the trigger, signifying a dry fire. "Just don't worry about taking out the ponies; I'll do that myself. Just keep a watch for the other races and we'll get out alive."

"You have MP-5's, AR-15's, and several Thompson's in your arsenal at the base, and you hand me this…" he questioned while checking his weapon. "Hell, why can't I just use my carbine?"

"Celestia made your carbine out of magic," I told him while thumping a magazine home into my MP-40. "While representing the humans in this game, we will use human weapons."

"Still doesn't explain why I'm using a gun older then I am," Max sighed as he pulled his hood up over his head. I gave him a grin as I pulled my hood up as well. "So, you have a plan?"

"An assassin always has a plan." I answered. "And since you could very well be a changeling in disguise, I won't fucking tell you what it is." I could see him roll his eyes at that.

We spawned in a small clearing, somewhat close to each other. Max spawned on the ground while I ended up in a tree, crouching low and staying concealed.

"T-Rex." I said just loud enough to where he could hear it.

"Bubba's Fish Market." He answered back, causing me to let out a silent chuckle. We did our best to blend into the forest, just waiting for our first prey of the game to venture into our sights. It came sooner than I thought; a lone griffin held a sword as she glanced around for a ground pounder (someone without wings), not once bothering to look up.

Too easy. I frowned, not taking the bait. I was smart; a changeling pounced her instead and got an arrow to the side, sending him back to the palace. Another griffin stepped out while reloading the crossbow in his claws, and I did a few quick hand signals to Max. He nodded as I silently stood up and backed up a few steps.

I took a running leap, silently descending towards one while I knew Max was training the iron sights on the other. As soon as I struck home with my gauntlet, a muffled shot rang out and the other griffin was suddenly breathing through a new hole in his neck. That didn't kill him, but a blade of plasma to the eye certainly did.

"Whelp, we already killed two of the combatants." I said after a moment. "Let's get moving, shall we?"

"You get the high ground?" Max asked, glancing at the trees. I nodded and promptly climbed my ass up the nearest tree, waiting for him to get a move on as I pulled out my pistol. A knife to the spine did wonders, but the reliable .45 ACP never let me down before in battle.

I hopped from branch to branch for a while, keeping an eye out for targets in the air/trees, and took out Spitfire in the process. Have to hand it to her; it took two bullets to take her down.

I didn't even know what the fuck happened. One second I was watching Max and the next it looked like the ground fucking ate him. Either this place was designed to be exactly like the real thing, or...

I fucking forgot camel spiders could dig somewhat. So could the Diamond Dogs. That meant that I was staying right the fuck up here the entire time. I didn't spot his Garand, which meant it despawned alongside him to prevent others from using the weapon.

"It's just one human now..." I muttered, jumping to another branch and settling down. About fifty yards ahead I spotted a red Naga and a tarantula duking it out, and somehow the spider was winning. Then the both of them disappeared into the ground, a tan leg showing that the camel spiders got to them.

Yep, definitely staying the fuck up here. I thought, shifting my grip on the pistol. I heard a twig snap and felt a presence.

"Mark." Chrysalis whispered from next to me.

"I can tell that you're reluctant to off me, even though you had an excellent opportunity to do so." I muttered without looking at my friend.

"It would not be fair to do such a thing to a family member." She answered. I let out a chuckle.

"I take it you've learned to stay off of the ground?" I asked, adjusting my cape again. She nodded once.

"Blasted Durmars took out my team before we knew what happened." She said, causing me to think for a second.

Since he came in with me... I grinned and reached into my slipspace pocket, pulling Mugs out. Chrysalis recoiled a little bit, more from shock than anything.

"Go find the others and do your thing." I whispered. "Since this place suffers the laws of puns and shit, when you get squished or something you'll appear next to Max. Be gentle with him." And with that I flung him downwards, Mugs landing gracefully into a bush. It took a moment for him to exit, but he scurried off to places unknown.

"What was that?" Chrysalis asked in confusion.

"My pet." I sat back against the trunk. "We're gonna be here for a while, unless you want to go hunting some more."

"And risk getting eliminated by the Durmars? No thanks; I'm content being right here with you." She scoffed.

"When it's just you and I left, we're gonna have to fight this out, you know." I softly said, rubbing her head. "To make it easy for the both of us; no magic and no bullets."

"Acceptable." Chrysalis nodded. "We'll fight on the ground?"

"It's a small pain to keep my arse up in this tree on the balls of my feet, Chrissie." I rolled my eyes and cracked my neck.

"What the fuck just hap-" A pony from somewhere screeched before getting out of the match, causing me to chuckle.

"Good job, buddy." I muttered, checking the magazine for my MP-40. After doing so, I sat back and pretty much relaxed. Chrissie draped herself across my lap, staring up at me with the changeling equivalent of bedroom eyes. I chuckled before giving her a earnest belly rub, causing her to sigh on content.

[later]

"Three teams left; Humans, UNSC, and Changelings!" An announcer not unlike the one in Halo called out.

"Well, I guess this is it." I slipped from the tree and nimbly landed on my feet, waiting on Chrissie to join me.

"Shall we dance?" Chrysalis grinned and turned into me. I chuckled and put away my weapons, before raising my fists.

"Let's do this the good ol' Marine way." I said, before swinging at her (for the sake of non-confusion, I'll say 'her' for Chrissie). She ducked out of the way and went to punch my liver, but I was already twirling out of the way and aiming for a low sweep. She jumped over my leg and kicked at my face, while I grabbed her leg and twisted. She kicked me in the face with her other foot, sending me to the ground hard. I spat out some blood and got to my feet, cracking my neck.

"You're doing quite well, for a biped." Chrysalis said with a grin.

"I'm no mere biped, I'm a Marine." I growled before crouching down. She mimicked me and we circled each other, before I did something she probably didn't expect. "Pocket sand!" I yelled as I threw dirt in her face. She hissed and backed up, wiping at her eyes. What she didn't expect was me to continue playing dirty, and I soon had her on the ground with my knees on her arms, while I was choking her.

"What -gasp- happened to fair?!" She choked out, trying her best to remove my hands from her windpipe. And kick me off of her, but I ignored the flailing legs behind me.

"What part of being a Marine didn't you understand?" I asked as she started turning blue. "We don't fight fair. We win." As she lost consciousness, she let out a strained chuckle and disappeared.

And like that, I was back in the lobby with a glowing chest.

"That was dirty, Mark." Celestia said as I cracked my knuckles, grunting at the pain I suddenly felt.

"And?" I rose an eyebrow. "Sunbutt, when have I ever played fair?"

"Well, color me surprised." Celestia mused as she looked up at the scoreboard. I turned and looked as well, noticing immediately. "It looks like the Minotaurs were finally usurped from their position. Congratulations Major, not only for being the only survivor, but for having the most kills for a single combatant." The man in question materialized out of nowhere, nodding in agreement while cradling his SRS. "Meanwhile you and Max only achieved eight kills together. He took down four of my ponies in about five seconds." I waved her off at the quip.

"That was tactically done to making the enemy think we were soft." I said. "In all honesty, we could've won the game easily with all the spells Dawn pumped into our equipment." Glancing over at Major, I frowned a little. "If somebody had joined us." He just shrugged and didn't say anything.

"There you are," spinning about I found Max storming up to me, he looked pissed.

"Something wrong Master Sergeant," I calmly asked.

"You could say that," he snarled as he pulled his hood back and showed Mug's clinging tightly to the back of his head, trilling happily. "There I was in an underground tunnel, holding my own, when this PET of yours jumped me, doing the Face Hugger routine from Aliens and took me out."

I suddenly couldn't stand I was laughing so hard, the image in my mind was fucking hilarious.

"How many did you take out before it started humping your face," Celestia asked as she used her magic to pry off Mugs and float him over to me.

"One of the spiders and most of the Diamond Dogs… before it was game over." Max grunted.

"Game over man, game over!" I retorted a one liner from the movie with a chuckle. Major and Celestia hit me.

[Major's POV]

As the battle started, I was teleported into the underbrush of the forest it was taking place in. Wasting no time at all, I scanned the area and activated my suit's AC, disappearing from view.

All alone, just like old times. I thought to myself as I started moving forward, keeping my attention on my surroundings. My first victim would be the minotaur who was alone, sporting a nasty looking, massive warhammer that rivaled the size of a gravity hammer. While a single shot from my SRS would take him out, I had only brought the one magazine and I didn't want to waste any ammo, so I instead drew my knife and crept up behind him. From my intel, this was one of Stormhorn's best soldiers, but God if he didn't pay attention.

I suppose I can't fault them, I thought as I slammed my knife into the back of his head, sending him back to the palace, they don't usually fight opponents with active camouflage. Sliding my knife back into its sheath, I continued hunting for prey.

Two Tibaxians were next, one with my kukri to the chest while I sent a short burst of caseless ammunition from my SMG into the other, causing the both of them to vanish. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have a suppressed SMG like I would've normally used, so I quickly vanished into the bushes before anyone could investigate the report of my gun. I might actually have fun. I mused as I went.

[Later]

"Report," High Chieftain Bron Stormhorn demanded, he had sent two of his best trackers into "The Game" to keep an eye on the three humans, and he wanted answers NOW. The first to step forward was the elder brother, Jebbek of the Bloodhoof clan.

"After their initial entrance into The Games, and losing his teammate to the spider trap, the one known as Mark kept mostly to the trees and did little if anything to help the other human or engage in any of the fighting. I was never able to find the one known as Major, but I suspect he was the one to remove me."

"Even though he is a leader and supposedly a great warrior, he showed reluctance in actual fighting," Stormhorn grumbled, not liking the fact that Mark could be a coward…

"My Chief, If I could speak freely," Jebbek asked.

"Granted, High Scout."

"I can see the disappointment for this human in your eyes," he interjected. "But I can tell you this, that human's actions spoke of a different objective then to win a war game."

"Enlighten me."

"I am the best Scout in all the clans and I can tell when someone is gathering information through subterfuge," he said, causing his chieftain to sit up and take note. "The one known as Mark spent the whole game observing each of the participating races' battle techniques. It is my belief that he sacrificed his teammate and threw the game in order to gain much needed knowledge on the other races."

"I see, than he is truly a great warrior and I am honored he is our ancestor." High Chieftain Stormhorn beamed with pride, happy that his belief in Mark's abilities were justified. Leaning back into his seat, he looked too Jebbek's younger brother, Turok. "And what of the Sun-Princess' little breeder?"

"The little human she calls Max," Turok said as he stepped up, referring not to Max's height but his lack of body mass… as in muscles. "It took me some time to find a way into the tunnels, but once inside I observed the breeder take out one of the giant spiders before being jumped by the Diamond Dog team. After discarding his fire lance, he used a dagger from his boot to hunt down and vanquish four of the mongrels, before something came out of nowhere and he vanished."

"The little breeder killed 5 foes before going down?" Stormhorn blinked in dismay, almost not believing that the stick of a human could achieve such a feet, let alone do it with a hand knife. "If the breeder could take down five enemies by his lonesome, just imagine what honored ancestor Mark could have done… what a full team of five human's could have done."

"That is not all, High Chief," Turok cut into his leader's reverie. Slowly he pulled something wrapped in a wool blanket and placed it upon Stormhorn's desk.

"What is this," the chief asked as his scout gently unwrapped the object.

"It is the breeder's fire lance," Turok said as he held out Max's M1 Garand. "I retrieved it before his was taken from the game."

"By the Thunder Bluffs," the chief gasped, his hands trembling as he reached out and took the weapon. "With something like this…" he paused in this train of thought, a smile coming to his lips. "Call in every master weaponsmith we have!"

None of them noticed the shadows in the corner shift a little.

Chapter 97

[Major]

“Luna.” I muttered, just loud enough for her to hear. She obviously wasn’t expecting me to be there when she sat down, because she jumped a good three feet in the air, her wings flaring. Her guards were also shocked upon seeing me decloak from my active camo.

“Don’t do that!” She hissed, after getting over the shock and regaining control of her breathing. “How the hell did you get back here so fast? Your Pelican isn’t due until morning!”

“I asked Chrysalis to teleport me.” I waved my hand. “Irrelevant either way. We may have a problem.” She frowned and quieted down. “Stormhorn will begin reverse engineering human firearms as soon as he has the ability to.”

“Tell me everything.” So I spent a couple minutes detailing exactly how Max fucked up royally.

“Cher Ami.” One of the pegasus guards standing around snapped to attention. “Go inform my other about this.”

“Right away, ma’am.” She quickly took flight out of the throne room, heading off to Lunacae’s quarters.

“As for you, Major-General.” Luna stood tall and regnant, the effects of which were pretty much lost due to me having a good meter on her. “I suppose thanks are in order, even if you scared me half to death. While I doubt that anything substantial will come of this, I know that it was a good idea for you to come to me about this before informing my sister. We both know how sensitive your plans for our future is.”

“I just don’t want the other humans knowing about them until its too late.” I shrugged and got off of her throne. “Especially Mark.”

“How long were you there, anyway?” I just gave her another shrug, causing her to roll her eyes. “Very well. Anything else?”

“I’m heading on down to Rebrew to test out those prosthetics out on a couple volunteers, let them know I’m on my way, alright? My assistant will be taking any requests for me, until I get back.” With that, I departed.

“… He has an assistant?” I heard her comment to one of the guards as the doors closed behind me.

“Send this to Swift Wing’s office.” I told one of the couriers skittering about. The changeling grabbed the scroll as he nodded, bolting off into the hallways of the castle.

[Mark]

The trip back to Canterlot was relaxing, but for some reason Major wasn’t with us. That became apparent as the hatch lowered to see him standing behind it, waiting for us to come out.

“When the hell did you get he-” I stopped myself and rubbed my face. “Chrysalis sent you here, didn’t she?” He silently nodded and beckoned me to follow. I shrugged and grabbed my shit, before departing with the 8 foot tall wonder.

“Want to accompany me to Rebrew tomorrow, Mark?” He asked as we walked, causing me to furrow my brow.

“For what, exactly?”

“I’m distributing prototype prosthetics on a couple volunteers to see how the designs work, altered to fit a pony.” I blinked, before frowning a bit.

“Where in the fuck did you get the resources to develop and produce enough prosthetics to have a trial run?” He shrugged again, causing me to groan in frustration. “Fine, keep your fucking secrets...” We hopped into my Warthog, him in the driver’s seat, and started towards Ponyville. At his insistence I put on my helmet.

“Much better. You’ll actually be able to hear me while I drive.” He finally said once I had the comms working. I could only roll my eyes. “Now, tomorrow morning I’m heading on down to Rebrew with a couple changelings to get these prosthetics handed out, and the patients know you. That’s why I asked you to come along.”

“So they won’t be suspicious.” I stated, very fucking glad I installed seatbelts in my Warthog. I’ve seen Max, Anon, and Jeremy drive theirs, and without a fucking doubt, Major is the most batshit crazy behind the wheel. We’re both lucky that none of the ponies in Canterlot used the access roads that were built for vehicles, otherwise one of us would have to explain why we need a big scraper to get them off the hood.

“So they’ll be more trusting, and seeing that even though you order them to their deaths, you’ll take care of them if they survive as a non-fatal casualty.” He clarified. “Making them whole again is a good way to get your men to care about your orders.”

“Yeah and I bet you know a lot about that, don’t you?” While I was snarking, he simply shook his head a bit.

“Those that survived, I did.” He muttered, rubbing at his left shoulder as we went to Ponyville in silence.

[SAA]

“Thanks for the ride, I guess.” Mark said as he hopped out of the warthog, his stomach still halfway from Canterlot. The ODST really didn’t drive safely. Major only shrugged and drove off, leaving Mark alone. Slinging his duffle bag over his shoulder, Mark began the short trudge towards the farmhouse, the smell of Granny's superb cooking hanging in the air. If Major had timed it right, Applebloom would be out shortly to ring the dinner bell.

With a slight bounce in his step, he headed for the door… It always felt so good to be home. And Equestria was his home now.

"MARK!" Bloom screeched, he had just swung the door open when the young filly came stampeding over and wrapped herself about his right leg.

"Daddy?" gently he placed his bag down and braced himself for a heartbeat later, Apple came zipping in and slammed into him hard enough to nearly take him off his feet "Daddy's home!"

"What in tarnation is going on out here," Granny demanded as she poked her head in from the kitchen. "Yah youngens know Judy just put Spice down fer a nap."

"Sorry Granny," Mark, Bloom and Apple said as one.

"Okay then," the Apple matriarch nodded with satisfaction. "Bloom, you go ring the bell ‘n let AJ and Mac know supper's ready…" As the filly quickly bolted for the door, she turned her attention towards Mark. "Welcome home deary, best wash up fer dinner, it's spaghetti night."

"AJ, can I talk to you… alone," Mark whispered in her ear while everyone sat around the Apple's family room, admiring their gifts.

"Sure thing Sugarcube," she nodded.

"Come with me," he asked as he stood and headed outside. After walking around to the far side of the barn, Mark sat down heavily on a hay bale, and gave out a deep halfhearted sigh as he looked up at the full moon that hung high overhead.

"Mark, honey, Are yah alright," the concern in her voice ate at his insides.

"No…" he finally whispered as she hopped up next to him, her eyes searching his for an answer.

"Oh Mark, Ahm not sure what's wrong, but Ahm sure we can work together and fix it…"

"You can't fix stupid," he mumbled darkly, which earned a shocked look from Applejack. "I am so sorry for what I did to you AJ… I just… at the time I didn't know what I was doing to you."

"To me," she blinked in shock. "I don't understand, what did you do to me?"

"I… I didn't realize, even after you tried to tell me," he had practiced this speech ever since he found out, and now that she was by his side, he found himself tongue tied. "I thought you were just being racist, I thought you were just phobic… but I made you choose…"

"What in tarnation are yah babbling about," AJ questioned, not following her human's train of thought.

"He's talking about me."

Spinning around, AJ and Mark watched as a dark form separated itself from the nearby shadows and slowly stepped into the moonlight. The strange pony stood just as tall as Applejack, yet the holes in her legs and her unblinking bug eyes told them both who it was. "Apple?" Mark was now the one confused.

"Hey… daddy," she flashed him a weak smile, her fangs now showing prominently as she stood before him.

"Ah guess the secret got out anyway, huh darlin," It was AJ's turn to breath a heavy sigh as she reached out to ruffle Apple's mane.

"W…Wait, hold on," he jerked back from Applejack in surprise. "What secret?"

Over the next few minutes, Apple and AJ filled Mark in on how Apple had come to visit not long after Hannah had crashed, how the two worked out their differences and just what Mark meant to them, and that they both cared for him deeply.

"My main mission was to build a new hive in case the older one died out, but then you discovered the easiest way to feed us, and saved the Changeling race," Apple said, now sitting on the other side of Mark. "Once you did that, I was no longer needed, the hive was safe, and so I lost my motivation in life."

"Motivation in life?" Mark questioned.

"There can only be one Queen of the Changelings," she clarified. "As long as my real mother, Chrysalis, lives and her hive thrives… there is no need for me to live."

"But being part of the Apple family gave her a reason for being," AJ smiled as she nudged Mark's shoulder with her own. "Since yah didn't seem aware of Apple's original motives, we decided to keep it a secret and she would continue to be our daughter."

"Oh… wait, who's we?" he asked.

"Apple, Granny, and me," Applejack informed him.

"Granny knows?" he felt that odd pit in his stomach again.

"Nothing happens on this farm without her knowing about it."

"Too true," Mark nodded after a moment's consideration. "Are the three of us a family, or a herd?"

There was an uneasy stillness as both AJ and Apple leaned past Mark and gazed at one another, silently asking each other a question. It was AJ who spoke first. "Mark, Sugarcube, we both love yah and we would hate to make yah choose one over the other, that's how this all started," she said while absently kicking her lower hooves. "So, is there a reason we just can't do both?"

Author's Note

Couldn't think of a name. Also most of this wasn't written by me.

Chapter 98

The next morning, I woke up to the smell of homemade cooking, which brought a soft smile to my face. The clattering of hooves down below my room, and nobody next to me in bed, indicated that at the very least AJ was awake and already preparing breakfast for the family. And knowing Granny Smith, she was down there as well to at least supervise. I had almost forgotten what this felt like. I mused as I got dressed for the day, putting on my dress blues.

Something told me I should wear them.

Imagine my surprise to see Major sitting at the table, working on one of his arms as he passively watched the others preparing food for the day.

“You’re here early.” I commented as I took a seat across from him, eyeing the socket that was where his shoulder should be. The arm that went there was currently in several pieces, taking up a decent portion of the table.

“I don’t sleep much.” He said, his darkened visor focusing on me. “I see you dressed up for the occasion.” He motioned with a screwdriver to my uniform.

“I figure I’d show up looking nice. Tradition for awards and all that.” I explained, glancing at the mess he made in front of him. “Joint problems?”

“Just basic maintenance, nothing serious.” He shrugged, which looked odd with only one arm. “I’ll be ready to go when you are.”

“So, going to eat with us?” I asked, even if I knew the answer already.

“Ate a couple days ago, I’ll be fine.” He got me to roll my eyes as I heard AJ scoff behind me.

“Should take that helmet off and force feed ya, stubborn git.” She muttered, causing him to snort.

“I eat less due to the conditions put upon me through training.” He stated, clicking his arm back together. I just shook my head and dug into the plate that was placed before me.

Once we were done with breakfast, I said my usual goodbyes and left the farmhouse with Major. Sitting in the warthog outside was a gigantic pegasus guard, one that I haven’t seen before. I just looked over at her for a moment before climbing into the passenger seat, content to deal with Major’s horrid driving skills.

“So, who are you?” I asked, turning to look into the bed of the ‘hog, noting to myself that she had an eyepatch over her right eye. She looked me up and down for a moment before snorting in amusement.

“I’m captain Swift Wing, leader of Dawn’s guards.” She said. “I’m surprised it took our mutual friend here to make the two of us meet, general.” I paused for a moment, before rubbing my face.

“I don’t spend much time in Canterlot. I haven’t actually met Midnight either.” I admitted, smiling sheepishly. She just rolled her eye and lightly punched my shoulder. Due to her size, that hurt a lot. I deserved that.

“So I’ve noticed. She’s definitely annoyed at that, but that’s neither here nor there.” Swift said. “General Major decided to bring me along, due to my assistance with his projects.”

“A quite helpful assistance, I’ll add.” He stated, beginning the drive to Rebrew. I just looked at the two of them for a moment, before shaking my head. Whatever he is doing, I doubt I want to know.

“So, you’re a fighter?” I asked Swift, noting the crossed swords over a shield as her buttmark. She shrugged and gave me a grin.

“Brawler more than anything. I tend to throw my weight around, and I’m damn sure I weigh more than the average pegasus. But I’m actually more of a tinkerer.” She showed off her highly custom medic armor. “Nothing here is standard issue, everything I’ve improved in some way. Lighter, stronger, easier to move in. I’ve even hidden extra blades in my wings.” She extended a few to show me. “Of course, as a medic I’m not exactly allowed to carry weapons, so…” I just snorted.

“Better to need a weapon if someone decides to ignore the ‘no attacking a medic’ thing.” I said. That was something pretty much every military leader in the world universally agreed on. “How much input have you had with these prosthetics?”

“Not too much, most of the work had been finished by Major and some of Chrysalis’ changelings by the time I got my hooves on a working example of anything. I did add some input of my own, which should be in the final versions.” She explained, pulling out a metal wing from one of the crates she was chilling with. “A bit lighter from removing unnecessary parts, and with help I managed to get it to more easily interface with someone’s body.”

“I take it that your prosthetics will be able to more easily interface with a pony’s nervous system?” My question caught her off guard, where she shot a confused glance towards Major. “Hopefully with as little pain as possible.”

“That… Is correct, Mark.” She shook her head. “Sorry, it just caught me off guard. Major… had told me that you weren’t exactly the brightest in some regards.” I debated punching him, but armor against a bare fist was a bad match. I instead just rubbed my face.

“Yes and no. My old profession in my military required more than just a bit of intelligence and nerves to succeed in. I may be a bit dim in areas, but I am very intelligent in others.” I explained. “I’m a glorified sapper, essentially. Great with explosives and the like, along with chemicals and mechanics.” She nodded.

“Much like I am. I think we’ll get along just fine, Mark.” She grinned as I settled into shooting the shit with her until we got to our destination.

If Major didn’t crash the ‘hog before that.

When we got to Rebrew, Swift and I quieted down out of respect for the fallen. Major motioned to the glove box, which held the medals that Celestia had made for this.

“Always hated award ceremonies.” I idly said, thumbing the latch to check out the appearance of her Medal of Honor. “Though they did a very good job making these look good.” The medals were made of a white gold, with a sword set over a heater shield in the main body. Circled around the main part was a thinner circle, with Defender of Equestria engraved on the band. On the back were an engraved sun and crescent moon, along with Sparkle’s and Cadence’s marks in a diamond formation.

“Simple but elegant.” Swift mused, glancing it over. “Surprised they didn’t use 24K gold. Much easier to shape.” Taking one, she eyed it carefully. “Definitely silver mixed in as well, much more expensive, even as an alloy.” That comment got Major to look over.

“Silver’s much rarer nowadays.” I explained to him, gently putting the medal back. “Gold is fucking everywhere, though why its Equestria’s currency is a fucking mystery.” I’d most definitely use something a bit less heavy, at the very fucking least.

“Hm. Might be a problem in the future. Ah well.” He just shrugged and got out, waving a group of changelings over. Swift and I got out as well and helped offload the crates of limbs, taking them over to the designated area. “Alright, you three,” he motioned to three of the cute little buggos, “are going to start applying the less complex prosthetics onto those that need bits replaced instead of limbs. Swift and I will work with the doctors to get the wings and limbs attached.” He looked over at me. “And you’re going to take your time with those medals.”

“Sounds good.” Not like I’m qualified on installing those things. I thought, taking my little box inside. I had a changeling gather room numbers of those on a list Luna sent me, so I wouldn’t accidentally give the medals to the wrong guards.

[Major]

I sent Swift off to start with the doctors on staff, letting them begin operations to integrate the bionics into the more heavily wounded. She knew enough to be able to assist them in doing so, but none of them were far enough along to do so efficiently. Nobody on this planet aside from UNSC personnel or Sangheili were.

Truth be told, if it wasn’t for the fact that they were now Earth’s new wardens, I would have simply left as soon as was possible. But a sense of duty kept me here, the subtle need to uplift these species into proper space fairing races.

And a morbid curiosity on what happened to humanity so far into the future. I rubbed my chin, before looking down at the pony that I was currently operating on. Her chest was currently held open by primitive tools, and held under by basic anesthetic. And here I was, with one of the most basic tools I have introduced, about to install new limbs into her.

“Corporal… Flurry Snow, needing two new legs from a wyrm attack.” I mused, gently working new nerve connections into burnt away ends. “You’re a lucky mare, without my assistance you’d be forced to use primitive or magical legs.” Even if she couldn’t respond, I felt the need to let her know. If anything, it brought forth issues I’ve had with the planet at large.

Thousands of years in the equivalent to our medieval age. Magic stagnates progress, despite what they may think. A millennia of relative peace, and an aversion to technological progress from the unicorns to keep their set power.

With a firm press, I finish attaching the second leg that she was missing, then went about sealing her back up. While I was a good suture, I wouldn’t sully a body that I worked on with such primitive methods, so I quickly glued her back up. “One down, seven to go.” I muttered, before calling for an orderly to take her away and bring the next one in.

Have to Die to Live

[Corporal Mark Durnkinscoff, Marine EOD, Afghanistan, 2012]

"Alright guys, you know the drill. We have two choices for IEDs, defuse or derstroy. Which one do we use this time?" I asked, sliding out of the squad's Humvee.

"Let's blow the bastard up. Haven't seen an exposion for a while, now." PFC David said, cocking his M4 while getting out.

"Alright. I feel exceptionally risky today, so suit me up." I said, opening the trunk and started to pull out parts of my bomb suit. David and 'Sparky' helped me get suited up, while I kept glancing around the deserted street for any hostiles, or locals for that matter.

"Alright, you ready?" Sparky asked, slapping my visor down once I put the helmet on. I nodded, slinging a string of C-4 blocks across my shoulder.

"Yea. Don't like it, because it's way too bloody quiet out here. Keep the assholes off of me until I get out of the killzone of the C-4 and IED mixture." I said, cracking my neck and started to lumber down the dusty road, towards a trash pile.

"70 yards from target. We're out of your killzone now, Mark." David said into his radio, getting a finger from me as a reply.

"Bugger off and come with me, if you're feeling cocky." I grunted, not breaking my stride.

"No need for the asshole act, dude. Just bein' friendly, is all." He said, causing me to roll my eyes.

"I see something, get a scope out at my 1 o'clock." I called out, seeing a slight glint coming from a window above me.

"Shit! Drop the C-4 and get your ass moving! Sniper!" Sparky suddenly shouted, startling me. I quickly dropped it, turned around, and started running when the C-4 exploded, almost completely vaporizing me.

[Void, Afterlife, Judgment, etc.]

"Yea, that figures. Always figured I'd die by an exposion..." I grumbled, trying to get a look around. The area was completely dark, save for what was immediately around my body. Looking down, I discover I was still wearing my suit, even if it was a little burned from the exposion. I also still had my M1911, passed down from my grandaddy when he was in WWII, over in the Pacific. My helmet was still in one peice, not cracked, and had the visor down. Seeing nothing better to do, I started forward, holding out my hands to see if I was in a tunnel or something.

"It is not your time to die, yet." A deep, masculine voice boomed out.

"Wait, what? Is this God?" I asked, stopping.

"I am not this 'God'. My name is Timeithian. Your time to die has not come yet. Although your body has been destroyed on Earth, you can still start from the point of death in a different place." It chuckled.

"Where would this place be?" I asked.

"That is for you to find out. I bid you good luck, Mark." He said, before what seemed like a trap door opened up under me, sending me falling through some clouds.

[Over Sweet Apple Acres, Equestria]

"FFFFFUUUUUU!" I yelled, feebly trying to fly without the use of wings or a plane. Needless to say, it didn't work. What I saw when I slammed through yet another cloud confused me a little. There was a forest, what looked like a farm, and a town within a few miles of each other. I was heading directly towards the middle of what seemed like an orchard, and not slowing down.

"Bloody forgot! Don't worry, the impact won't kill you, even though you will create a rather decent sized crater for your weight." The voice said, calming me down a little, right before I slammed into the ground. As he said, I created a good sized crater, and I was extremely dazed, stumbling out and onto the ground almost instantly, grass and dirt filling up my visor.

"Shit..." I groaned, not wanting to move. Although I didn't feel pain, I did feel really tired, making it an effort to roll onto my padded back, facing the almost cloudless blue sky above.

"Hello?" A small, girl voice from what I could tell suddenly pipped up.

"Yes?" I asked, not bothering to look at the owner of the voice.

"Who're you?" She asked, the voice louder as I heard grass slowly crunch under her.

"Name's Mark. You?" I replied, groaning a little.

"Ah'm Applebloom!" She said, as I felt a weight on my stomach.

'The fuck is a name like Applebloom? Maaaaannn I'm probably on a different world or something...' I thought to myself, ignoring the weight.

"What're ya'll?" Applebloom asked, shocking me by being so close to me.

'Yup. Different world. Might as well go with it...'I thought, before sighing.

"I'm a species known as a Human," I replied. "Now, could you please tell me what you are?" I asked.

"Ah'm a pony!" She half shouted, the weight on my chest shifting. This startled me enough to where I was able to sit up, although I did catch what ever was on my chest at the time, before looking down.

'Oh bugger..' I thought as I stared at the small...filly, I think. Her coat was a creamish color, with a red mane and tail combo. Her mane had a reddish pink bow in it, and her impossibly large eyes were a mixture of yellow, orange, and red.

"What?" She asked, startling me even more, making me drop her as gently as I could before bolting up and backing into the crater I created.

"Ponies can't talk!" I shouted, pointing a finger at her. She looked confused, and tilted her head to the side.

"What do ya'll mean?" She asked, her voice trembling a little.

"Well... Where I come from, Ponies and other animals aren't able to talk at all. Only us humans." I explained slowly.

"Well. Ah've been able ta talk since ah was three months old!" She exclaimed, hopping up and down. I sighed and pulled my visor up, rubbing my head with a gloved hand.

"Well... Do you live nearby? I'm really, really lost and I could use a good shower, seeing as this suit isn't exactly comfortable to wear for a long time." I asked, starting to sweat heavily.

"Um, ah live nearby. Are ya able to behave yerself?" She asked, suprise showing on her face and in her voice once she saw my actual face.

"Very well. I behave better than most of my friends, anyway." I said, slowly getting back out of the crater. On a whim, I gently picked up Applebloom after looking around. "Lead the way." I said, before walking in the direction of where one of her forehooves pointed.

[Five minutes later]

Finally getting out of the orchard, I walked up to a farmhouse rather slowly, wondering how the occupants will react once they've seen me.

"Applebloom, could you go inside first and tell your family about me? I don't want to end up in a fight or something." I requested, gently placing her on the porch.

"Alright. Ah'll be right back!" She said, going inside quickly. I nodded to myself, sighed, and checked for my equipment and see what I still had.

"Ok...Got my 1911, three water bottles, an MRE, three magazines for 1911, gum, always shiny combat knife, solar charged iPod with crapload of music, and my wallet." I muttered, pulling out a bottle of water and taking a long drink of it, rehydrating myself a little. As I placed the bottle back in the pocket I drew it from, I felt something slam into my back, sending me into a pole face first.

"Got'cha!" A voice said, right as I smashed into the wooden pole, craking it and getting blood all over the white paint. I groaned, and thought I saw a flutter of cyan wings as I lost conciousness.

Author's Note

Sorry if I got Apple Bloom's accent wrong, but I did my best. This will be yet another military personnel in Equestria fanfic, except for who he ends up falling for. And the character in this story is not me. 'Tis my brother, and he actually works as an EOD personnel in Afghanistan, with these two people. He normally prefers defusing to blowing up, by the way.

Sweet Shower

As the orange mare and I blushed and looked away from each other, Applebloom looked at us, confused while Rainbow Dash (remembering that Applebloom called her this) tried hard to not just burst out laughing like an idiot. I glared at Dash before sitting up with a groan, causing the mare with a cowboy hat to look instantly worried.

“Are ya’ll okay?” She asked, forgetting the embarrassing comment I just muttered and looked up at my head, frowning.

“I’ll be fine... after a while, I just need to wrap it up and get some rest for a few days.” I coughed, hoping that Dash didn’t rupture a lung or something after knocking me out. After several seconds, I felt good enough to get up, and I did, shakily standing up, using a post to help steady myself. The orange mare just looked up at me in awe, probably because I was a good three and a half feet taller than her.

“Well…I guess you’re fine…. So I’ll be on my way now…” Rainbow Dash said, living up to her name as she left a rainbow streak while flying away quickly.

“Er, mah name’s Applejack, pleasure to make yer acquaintance.” She finally said, making me look down at her. In response, I held out a hand, which she shook firmly and kinda quickly.

“Pleasure to meet you Applejack. My name’s Mark. If you would be so kind to get me a strip of cloth, I could wrap my wound up?” I requested, getting her to nod.

“Alright. Ah’ll be out in a jiffy.” She said, before bolting inside, while I swore I saw a dust cloud that looked almost like she did for a moment.

“Hey Applebloom, what’s with the tattoo thing on your sister’s flank?” I suddenly asked, picking up my helmet after a moment, looking inside it for blood stains. After I said that, I almost facepalmed since that sounded perverted.

“Ya’ll never heard of a Cutie Mark?” Applebloom asked, probably shocked.

“Nope. Humans don’t get them.” I replied. “What do they do?”

“They define who a pony is! Ah’m aiming to find out what mine’ll be!” She said loudly, hopping up and down.

‘Pretty much stating that this Cutie Mark thing forces these ponies to work with what the image is. I take it Applejack works around apples, and Rainbow Dash works with clouds or lightning.’ I thought to myself as sweat and blood trickled down my neck. ‘….I need to get out of this damn suit soon, or I’ll end up with heat stroke.'

“Sounds interesting. Do you know where I’d be able to stay the night?” I asked.

“Ya’ll can stay here!” Applejack suddenly said, startling me. I nodded in gratitude and wrapped the cloth strip she was holding out to me around my head.

“Thank you kindly. I really need a shower, though. And a place to put this suit.” I smiled once I finished.

“That’s a suit? Ain’t like a suit Ah’ve ever seen before.” Applejack stated. “But come on in, we’ve got just what ya’ll looking for.” I gently picked Applebloom up, getting a giggle from her as I followed Applejack in, ducking a little to avoid bashing my injured skull anymore. The inside looked like a typical farmhouse, if it wasn’t for the lime green and ancient pony sleeping in an equally lime green chair.

“This suit’s supposed to protect me from explosions.” I replied, watching with one eye as Applebloom sat in the helmet.

‘And it did a goodjob, too.’ I thought sarcastically.

“What’re ya’ll doing with explosives, anyhow?” Applebloom asked, looking up at me as Applejack led me upstairs.

“My job required me to make them harmless, or to make them explode harmlessly.” I replied, telling half the truth. No need to tell them that I'm a soldier at the moment.

“So, here’s the bathroom, and the shower’s inside. Ah’ll leave ya’ll to yerself, come on, Applebloom!” Applejack said, stopping. I set down said filly and stepped inside, shutting the door and looking around the tiny, by my body’s definition anyway, bathroom.

“Alright, time to get this bastard off…” I muttered, and underwent the stripping of my suit, then my fatigues. I then stepped into the shower, purely naked, and turned the water on, recoiling slightly due to it being borderline freezing.

‘SHIT! That’s fucking cold!! …Ah, what the hell am I complaining about? I’m covered in my blood as it is…’ I thought, before instantly putting my back to the water raining down upon me, having to crouch slightly to get under it. I sighed in relief as my internal heat that was alarmingly warm slowly cooled off, getting closer to a normal temperature.

“Just in time… ‘Bout to overheat, and THAT wouldn’t be good…” I muttered, before jumping a little at the pair of voices outside the door.

“Fer the last time Twilight, NO! He’s takin’ a shower right now, an’ Ah’m sure he’d like to keep some privacy!” Applejack’s voice suddenly half yelled, and I could sense the mild frustration at this ‘Twilight’.

“It’s alright, Applejack, I’ve been in worse situations!” I called out, getting a groan of annoyance from her.

“Fine… Ya’ll can go in, Twilight.” She said.

“It seems to make you annoyed, would you care to join her?” I called out teasingly, smirking.

“W-Well… Ah’ve… Got somethin’ to do…” She stuttered, and I could instantly tell that she was lying, and this Twilight stated my thinking, causing Applejack to just bolt off, by what I heard on the staircase.

“Hm. Well, come on in Twilight. The door’s open.” I said, sitting down in the bath tub. She hesitantly did, and I could detect a blush on her…cheeks.

‘Freakin ponies have very human faces, except for the bloody obvious…’ I thought, before shifting to get myself more comfortable.

“So… First off; what are you?” She asked after several seconds, levitating a quill and scroll of paper. I guess this is magic or something, but I don’t care right now.

“Human. Scientifically dubbed Homo Sapiens.” I replied, getting a scribble of ink on paper as an answer.

“What’s your name?” She asked.

"Mark Durnkinscoff.” I replied. More scribbling.

“Alright, you were talking about a suit to Applejack earlier; what’s it used for?” She asked, nodding at the heap of green protection on the floor.

“It’s called an EOD bomb suit. If someone puts it on, it should protect the wearer from most explosives, up to a degree.” I replied.

“Should? And EOD?” She was confused.

“I’m not here by choice; I died, because I was blown up. And EOD stands for Explosive Ordinance Disposal. I worked with bombs and the like, disarming them to make them harmless, or blowing them up at a distance, to keep them harmless.” I explained. She looked horrified but probably refused to comment about it.

“Alright, that’s all of the questions I have right now. I’ll be by again later for some more.” She said, rolling up the scroll and leaving me to get dressed, which I did. I grunted as I picked up the heavy suit and slowly walked out, barely able to see over the top of the pile in my arms. As I couldn’t see where I was going very well, I paused when I heard the front door open.

“OhmyCelestia! Why didn’t you tell me there was a new pony here, Applejack?!” A voice shouted before a pony slammed into me, knocking the two of us down onto the floor, suit pieces flying everywhere. I heard a now familiar crack and inwardly rolled my eyes as I slipped back into unconsciousness.

Author's Note

I'm cruel to Mark, I know :P

Also, I know the dialog between Mark and Twilight was OOC, but ignore that.

Relationships and Trains

The next morning, I woke up at the same time as Applejack.

"Mornin' sugarcube." She said, stretching. I watched her for a second before clearing my throat.

"Applejack..." I started, sitting up.

"Yea?" She looked at me, probably a little worried about my tone.

"We need to talk. About the way we've been acting towards each other." I said. Her facial expression changed from simple confusion to a worried one with a light blush.

"Ya knew what Ah did last night, don't ya?" She quietly asked, her ears drooping while her head lowered.

"Applejack, please be honest with me. Do you love me?" I asked.

"Yea... Ah love ya, sugarcube..." She hesitantly said, but I knew she was just worried about my reaction. I responded by wrapping my arms around her and bringing her into a mildly tight embrace.

'Well, it's just Xenophilia. It's not like AJ's a mindless barn animal.' I thought, looking down at her as she buried her face into my chest.

"AJ, look at me." I said, lifting her head slightly. Her green eyes were watery, and that made me wince internally. "No need for crying; I love you too." I said, wiping away a tear.

"Do... Do ya mean that?" She quietly asked.

"How's this for an answer?" I asked, before kissing her deeply. I won't write down anything cheesy like sparks flew when our lips connected, but I WILL shoot you for reading my fucking journals! Unless you're AJ, of course. After a moment of shock, Applejack melted into the kiss and we sat there for God knows how long, until Big Mac opened the door, probably to tell us to get the hell up and get to the train.

"Um..." Was all that he said when he saw us. Applejack almost shot away from my grip, except that I had a very good grip on her at the moment.

"If you truely love me, you wouldn't be afraid to show it." I whispered to her, before looking at Mac. "This is exactly what it looks like. Me and your sister love each other." I said, rather loudly.

"Well.. Just don't do that stuff 'round Applebloom, ya hear?" He said, before shutting the door behind him. I grinned down at AJ, kissed her quickly, and got up to get dressed.

"W..What just happened?" She asked, blushing mildly.

"I think we just became an item, AJ." I replied, sliding a shirt on. "Now, let's go and get on down to the train station. Don't want them to wait on us." I said, slinging my backpack on with a grunt. I waited until AJ decided to respond, and strolled down the stairs with quite a bit of difficulty. Which means that I tripped and somehow hit my face. On every. Fucking. Step.

"Are ya'll right, sugarcube?!" AJ shouted, stopping next to me.

"If I was on my world, that would hurt a lot worse than it did..." I groaned, looking up at her. "How badly am I bleeding?" I asked, feeling my nose with a wince.

"Er... Quite badly..." She managed to say, going pale. I still wonder how in the fuck a pony pales or blushes, but I digress. If you're reading this AJ, please explain it to this evolved monkey in a way that I would understand. Or get Twilight to, either way would work for me.

"Then it's broken, not that big of a deal." I muttered, standing up and tenderly touching my nose, sending a flare of pain through my skull. "Yea... Definately broken..." I muttered, shutting the pain away somewhere else.

"Do ya need Twilight to fix it?" Applejack asked, extremely concerned, and with good reason.

"No, I can do it. Not like this hasn't happened before..." I assured her, before doing the part I hated the most. I firmly pressed both palms against a side of my crooked nose, inhaled through my mouth, and twisted sharply.

'Pretty sure they heard that over in Canterlot...' I thought after my extremely loud scream of pain.

"That sounded like it hurt. Celestia's wondering something along the line of, 'what made somepony scream like that?' I'm over here in Canterlot trying my best not to laugh." Dawn said, confirming my thought.

'How in the hell did I scream THAT fucking loud?' I asked, snapping my fingers in front of a dazed Applejack's face. 'I gave AJ the effects of a flashbang with it!'

"I told Celestia that you did it. She mearly rolled her eyes and scoffed. Honestly, she does hate you, but since you're with AJ and both Luna and I vouch for you, she can't do dick to you."

"Just another reason to dislike Sunbutt..." I muttered, before sighing and picking up AJ, who wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. I walked outside and held part of my shirt up under my nose at the same time to absorb the blood leaking from my nose at an alarming rate. I noticed Dash and Fluttershy racing towards us.

"What happened?!" Dash yelled when she was close enough to us, a skidding sound happening as she stopped.

'I'm never going to get used to this fucking world...' I thought while my eye twitched involuntarily.

"I broke my nose. Fixed it; that's what the scream was." I answered while Fluttershy gasped.

"Are you alright?!" She asked worriedly, getting up in my face.

"Uh... Yes lass, I'm fine, considering that I'm up and carrying both 60 pounds in equipment and probably 150 pounds worth of muscle." I replied, backing up a little. "I've had worse, honestly."

"How so?" Dash asked, raising an eyebrow. "And what happened to AJ?"

I decided to answer the second question first. "She's been stunned from my scream. She was standing next to me when I realigned my nose. And I'm supposed to have ten fingers, not eight."

'I miss my right pinkie and left thumb...' I thought, before sighing and shaking my head.

"Oh dear..." Fluttershy said, examining my fingers. Dash did too, with what looked like a wee bit of a blush? Anyway, while I was letting Fluttershy fuss over my left hand, the side that AJ was still fucked up on, Dash grabbed my right hand with her hooves and brought it up to her face.

"Um Fluttershy? Could you give something to Applejack so she'd wake up? She's starting to get really heavy..." I asked, frowning at the weight on my shoulder. Instead of doing some voodoo animal magic shit, she simply picked AJ up with a little effort and put her on the ground as gently as she could.

"I'm not very good with other ponies when it comes to medical stuff..." She confessed, looking down.

"Eh, at least you're brave enough to admit it." I replied, shrugging. "You know enough about ponies to apply first aid for injuries that aren't broken bones?" I asked, noting that Dash was transfixed by my hand.

"Yes..." She said, still looking down.

"Then that's all that matters. I'm not a doctor, so I won't criticize your field work should it come to that." I said, running a hand through her mane. She blushed at the physical contact, but I think what Dash did made me blush harder. She fucking stuck my hand into her mouth.

'What in the actual fuck?' I thought, staring at her. Her eyes were somewhat glazed over, she was breathing abnormally, and she was blushing.

"Dash!" I shouted, startling her and Fluttershy, while appearently finally bringing AJ back to the land of the living. "Why in the hell are you tring to eat my hand?!"

"Uh... Hey look, a distraction!" She shouted, pointing a hoof in a random direction behind us. Fluttershy looked over while Dash zoomed off, with me watching the entire time.

"We will never speak of this again, Fluttershy." I said.

"Speak of what?" Both AJ and Fluttershy asked.

"Exactly. Now, both of you should show me to the train before we get left behind and have to walk ourselves to Canterlot." I said, nodding at them. AJ shook her head and sighed, before trotting off with me jogging after while FLuttershy looked like she was lazily flying next to me.

"What happened to your fingers?" She asked, not breaking her flying stride. I sighed and looked down at them, before replying.

"Lost the thumb to a bullet fired from an AK-47. Once came within milimeters to losing my head in the same fashion. Lost the pinkie by playing a very stupid game while half drunk."

"What's an AK-47 look like?" Fluttershy hesitantly asked.

"Easier to show than to describe." I said, drawing my M60 and thinking of one of the most durable machine guns in the world, if not the most accurate or light. The M60 changed into a modern AK-47, and I put the wooden stock against my shoulder while flicking the safety. "This is the AK-47. There are several models but I'm pretty sure this one was the one that took my thumb's life." I explained, thinking up a sling for it and letting it fall to my waist.

"Oh... And the game?" She asked, clearly intimidated by the gun.

"Eh, I don't remember the name but it involved spreading your fingers open and trying your best not to impale them with a knife. I lost, pretty much." I replied, shrugging. Fluttershy looked horrified, but I waved her off.

"They both happened a year ago, and I got used to it. Can't be distracted on the battlefield. Not as a Marine, and especially not as EOD." I said, looking off into the distance. Shaking my head, I noticed that the three of us had arrived at the train station, and the other four and Spike were already there, along with the train. I swear I just lost my man card by LOOKING at the fucking pink as hell train. It pained the man I was to look at it.

'Dashie's nervous.' I thought with a hidden predatory grin.

"Sup girls?" I said, adjusting a strap on my backpack. "You have my uniform ready, Rarity?" I asked, looking at the mare in question. She grinned at me and levitated a set of familiar looking clothing out of the saddlebags she had across her back.

"It was a challenge but I do believe I did it perfectly!" She declared. The first thing I looked at was the cover, which looked exactly like my old one. I went over every part of it, and grinned when I saw that she even made the sheath for a ceramonial sword.

"It looks perfect! I'll put it on while on the train." I said, grinning. The others looked at me like I was stupid, causing me to sigh.

"Uh, Sugarcube? Why're ya wantin' to put yer weddin' clothes on befo' the weddin'?" Applejack asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Because I want to make sure that this will fit me, no offense, Rarity." I answered, sliding into the train.

[Middle of the train ride]

"How do I look?" I asked, sliding back into the compartment that the others were in. Rarity and AJ grinned, Twilight looked curious, and Spike nodded respectfully. Pinkie was being Pinkie, Fluttershy muttered 'nice', but I don't really expect much praise from her until I can fully win her over with my good charms and Dash was trying not to meet my gaze, but I could see her glance out of the corner of her eye from time to time.

"Ya'll look very good, sugarcube. What're the colorful things on yer chest for? And the medals?" Applejack asked, being the first to break the silence.

"The colorful strips are called ribbons. They tell other military personnel what a person has done in their career. The medals are pretty much the same thing, but louder." I explained, changing the magical beating stick on my backpack into a sharp ass cerimonial sword and sliding it into the sheath on the left side of my waist. "I shouldn't have doubted you, Rarity. Fits me perfectly." I added, nodding to the white Unicorn.

"Aren't you going to put on that white cap of yours?" Twilight asked, looking at the cover gripped loosely in my left hand.

"As soon as we get off of the train. I may be the only Marine on this planet, but I won't go against military protocol." I answered. "Supposed to wear covers only when I'm outside."

"How come?" Twilight asked, a notepad and quill levitating in front of her, writing down everything I say.

"Don't really know how it started, but I've never questioned it." I said, shrugging. The ride to Canterlot wasn't very eventful, except for Twilight going into one of the mildest depressions I've ever fucking seen about this 'Shining Armor' character.

Rescue, Part 3

"Hold up." I said when I guessed that we were about a hundred yards away from the edge of the forest.

"What is it?" Gallan asked as I sat down, looking at the four of them. SS was still unconscious, so someone would have to talk to him later.

"We're going into a town soon, and I'm first asking that you hand over all explosives so I can properly store them." I said, zipping open my backpack and putting it in front of me. Gallan put two potato mashers and a pineapple grenade in, Schmidt unhooked his potato mashers, and o'Drake put the Sargeant's frag grenade in for him.

"Why didn't you ask for our other munitions?" Gallan asked, leaning up against the side and glancing at his BAR.

"Two reasons. One, I trust you to not go on a rampage and slaughter civilians. Two, humans kinda need an edge against the inhabitants anyway. They have magic, flight, and strength, while we have instant death." I explained, causing all of them to look at me.

"Did you just say magic?" o'Drake asked, sounding skeptical.

"We're in a different universe, brought here by select beings. Well, except for Sergio here. He was brought in by an unknown force." I said with a shrug.

"Way to make me feel special..." Sergio muttered.

"Anyway, the civilians aren't human. I'm letting you know that now, so that you won't freak out as much when you see them." I said, before tapping Duran's shoulder, causing him to continue driving.

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" I heard Connor mutter, lightly tapping his head against the inside of the Humvee.

"If anyone should get bad feelings, it should be me, Schmidt, Gallan, and the guys up front." I told him, shrugging. "The lot of us, save for Blake, went through hellholes and ended up here."

"Which one's Blake?" Gallan asked.

"I am." Blake said, looking back at us. I swear to whatever god these people worship, that the British have developed the NCR Combat Ranger Armor, because the glass where his eyes were fucking glows.

"That's fucking creepy." Schmidt muttered.

"Meet your new British comrade, Schmidt." I said with a chuckle. He just shrugged in response, fiddling with the bolt to his rifle.

"There's Fluttershy an' the others." Doc muttered to me, causing me to turn around and look through the windshield. Standing on the path a few yards from Ponyville were Duffy, Duran, the Elements of Harmony, Ditzy Doo, and Dinky Doo. Turning back to look at the others, who also looked with me, I noticed that o'Drake was shaking a little.

"What's wrong?" I asked, before I instantly understood. "Connor, listen to me." I said, grabbing his shoulders and forcing him to look at me. "They're not going to hurt you. You don't even need to interact with them, alright? Just stay behind us and you'll be fine."

"A-Alright..." He finally said, shaking but nodded anyway.

"Doc, would you mind if you let Connor live with you? Guy's scared shitless of equines." I muttered to Isaac, who thought for a moment.

"I'll have to ask Fluttershy first, but I personally have no problems with it." He whispered back. I nodded and suddenly had a thought strike me.

'What's the marriage terms in Equestria? Fuck, I've been with AJ for just about a year now. I popped the question to Amber after six months of dating, after all.' I thought, hiding a small frown as I helped Schmidt carry the Staff Sergeant out of the trunk once we stopped.

"Anybody want to put up with an unconscious human?" I called out, looking over the mares that were chatting with each other.

"I think Vinyl Scratch and Octavia have a few rooms open." Dash called back, shrugging.

"Good enough. Sergio, Duffy. Bring him down there, Sergio gets to stay with him when he wakes up. Explain the situation to him and try to get him to open up on how he died." I ordered, nodding to the two humans. They complied, and Dash led them off towards the musicians' pad.

"Alright. Since we got that out of the way, Doc has a question for you, Fluttershy." I said, clapping my hands. Doc walked over to her after muttering something to o'Drake.

"So, who can I hold a surprise party for?" Pinkie was bouncing in front of me quite suddenly, giving me a creepy ass grin.

"The one in the gas mask is off limits for all large parties, I'm afraid. He has his reasons, and we don't want him to have a heart attack. Normal parties for the rest of them." I said, jabbing a thumb back at Connor, who was slowly backing away from Pinks.

"What's wrong with him? Does he have a condition? Ohh! Is he sick?!" Pinkie seemed to spew out at a rate of which I was barely able to grasp.

"He's bloody afraid of ponies, lass. Don't tell anyone." I whispered, stopping her from spewing out more nonsense.

"Ohhhh...." She nodded sagely, before zipping off somewhere.

"...What do I do, Mark?" Schmidt asked, while Gallan seemed to be the life of whatever conversation that he was having with Blake and the others.

"You'll be staying with me on the farm, since nobody else in town speaks German." I answered, patting his shoulder a little and retrieving my backpack. From the somewhat fearful looks on the humans that weren't in the forest, they knew exactly what was in it.

"Come on, now! I only have WWII grenades in here, plus a modern frag grenade!" I exclaimed, not relieving them of any fears. "Bah, you people don't know your explosives as much as me anyway..."

"Shall we go back to the farm, Sugarcube?" Applejack asked, trotting over to me and Schmidt.

"Sure, but we're having a guest over until he learns English." I said with a nod to Schmidt. Applejack hmm'd and circled around him, probably gauging how well he could pull his own weight.

"We're leaving. Come along, Connor." Doc said, wrapping an arm around the New Zealander's shoulders and putting him in the Humvee, hopping in with Fluttershy. I could see Connor get as far away as he could from the pegasus as they drove off.

"Why's the horse bending me like this?" Schmidt asked, causing me to look and supress a laugh. Applejack was bending Schmidt over in a small test to see how developed his spine was, and he was taking it the wrong way.

Then again, when she did that to me I thought she was going to make Big Mac mount me or something.

"She's just testing the strength of your spine. And they prefer to be called ponies." I said. At that moment, Dawn appeared, getting an alarmed shout from Schmidt, followed by a thump as the Nazi hit the ground. Since the others had already left, it was just me, Schmidt, and Applejack blinking away the light.

'I don't care what religion the fucker follows, he's still a fucking Nazi.' I remembered Gallan saying with a frown. But I couldn't help but to agree with him, even a little bit. I'm pretty sure that it was the American in me.

"Sorry about that." Dawn said, brushing imaginary dust off of his uniform. "Messed up a spell, but while I'm here..." He then looked down at Schmidt. "What do you want me to do with him?" He asked me.

"He's Jewish, so I'll be keeping an eye on him to make sure he doesn't try to kill anyone." I said, crossing my arms.

"Jewish, huh? That complicates things..." He said, rubbing a hoof. Thankfully, Schmidt didn't understand squat about what was going on, probably just picking up one or two words. "Think you can convert him to being Christian or Athiest?"

"Buddy, I need to teach him English before anything else." I said, shaking my head. "And I don't dabble in religious shit, it's not my place." I added after a moment. "You're Death, dammit. Do it yourself."

"I suppose that I've asked enough of you as it is..." He finally sighed, before nodding. "Very well, I'll see you in a week to see how it's going with his teaching." With that, he flashed out of existence.

"Well, allonsy!" I said after a moment, getting Schmidt up to his feet and started lightly jogging down the road towards the farm.

"Oh, here's a present!" Dawn's voice shouted from somewhere, and I suddenly got beaned in the face by a brown ball.

"Mark!" Schmidt yelled.

"Sugarcube!" AJ yelled at the same time, while I clutched my face.

'Every. Fucking. TIME!' I couldn't help but think, knowing that my nose broke once afuckinggain. Ignoring the pain that I was becoming used to, I saw what hit my face at the speed of a bullet. It was an American football.

"Well... We got a sport we can play..." I groaned, sporting a mild grin while tossing it to Schmidt.

Author's Note

In response to (one) comment, I'll post the side story in a few chapters, and go once a day from there.

The Old Castle

"So, Anonymous says he wants to go visit the old castle?" Dawn asked, as I climbed into the Black Hawk. I managed to convince Smith to take us there after giving the Black Hawk another dose of PFM. And the deadline for me staying at Fluttershy's dies in roughly a week. AJ better have a positive answer by then, because I'm not going to live with somebody who's racist.

I also did a little experiment with Apple yesterday. Turns out salt water does the same to changelings as positive emotions do.

Chrysalis is looking deeply into that with her best scientists.

"Yea. I managed to get Doc to come along, he should be here any minute." I replied as Anon cocked the SAW he held, while I made sure my energy sword was in perfect condition.

"Fuck it, I'm going with you. Knowing you, I'd need to teleport your ass out of there because a hydra decided to inhabit it." Dawn said, hopping up and settled down next to me. Doc hopped in several moments later. Bill got in after making sure the area was secure from Sunbutt, and I nodded to myself.

"We have a green light for takeoff, Viper-1!" I shouted at Smith, who nodded and started flipping switches and shit.

Never flown a helicopter, so I don't know what shit he was flipping.

"This is your pilot speaking." Smith said over the speakers. "For those of you with Equestrian Frequent Flyers program, you'll be earning eighty points today. Also, this is a non-smoking helicopter, and the air sickness bags are below your seats." He said, ending with a grin that only I saw.

"You better not puke on me." I muttered to Dawn, knowing that he got airsick on those blasted chariots Sunbutt insisted on keeping.

"I've been meaning to ask..." Anon said, stopping Dawn from attempting to strangle me with his magic.

"Yea?" Dawn asked.

"Why isn't your mane and tail doing the wavy thing that Celestia and Luna's do?" He asked, completely serious. With a roll of his eyes, his horn flared for a brief second, before his mane looked like it was moving.

"You'll be able to see what it really looks like when we get off of this thing!" He shouted over the wind that suddenly picked up.

"Fair enough!" Anon shouted back, and settled in for a flight that would last for an unknown amount of time.

"You've been quiet, Doc!" I half shouted, leaning over to the medic. Fucking wind out here was howling already, and we've only gone in a thousand yards.

"Just thinking! Fluttershy didn't want me to go, but I bribed her so I could!" He shouted back.

"What kinda bribe?" I asked, grinning.

"Yea, you're right for once! She's on top tonight!" He yelled, rolling his eyes.

"I didn't need to know that!" Dawn shouted at the both of us.

"Too bad!"

"How much longer until you think we'll arrive, Dawn?" Smith asked over the speakers, and I could barely hear him.

"About ten to twenty minutes!" Dawn shouted back. Doc thought for a second, before looking back at Dawn.

"I just remembered a question I've wanted to ask for a while." He shouted.

"Shoot!" He replied, before glancing at Anon.

"How long has Luna been snarky?" He asked, deadly serious.

"Since before she was able to talk. 'Tia has been doing her best to get it out of her, but it never happened. Having Williams around seems to amplify it." He replied.

"Do something about this fucking wind!" I shouted, my throat starting to get sore from all the shouting. A flash of light later, the wind was still going full force, but we didn't need to yell.

"That better?" Dawn asked, frowning a little. "The Everfree Forest is too chaotic for me to fully dull with my magic, which means I could only alter the noise levels."

"It's good enough. Don't need to fuck our voices up now." I said, shrugging before pulling out a book. It was one of the books recovered from the heli; How to Win on the Battlefield.

"That book makes me seriously think you humans haven't perfected war, sometimes." Dawn said.

"Oh trust me, some of us have made it into an art. Take a look at the Spartan culture; trained to kill and survive as soon as their born, unofficially. Officially, they start the trials at the age of seven, through a system I don't remember at the top of my head. Got rid of sick, deformed, and mentally retarded babies, which we somewhat used to do, but that's beside the point." I replied.

"I know, you ignoramus." Dawn grunted, looking down at whatever was on the ground.

[Half an hour later]

We found out why Dawn's mane/tail don't do the wavy thing. It makes him look like he's on fire.

"Alright, everyone be careful." Dawn muttered as we crept into the front entrance, rifles and 'light' machine gun at the ready. Smith returned to base (my new shop, called Sand Dune's Firework Emporium) and let everyone know where the fuck we were in case something happened. If something did happen and we had to leave somebody behind, I would pilot the damned Black Hawk myself to get them back if I had to. And they knew it, on account of me being a Marine.

"Anon, you're on point since you wanted to come here." I muttered. He nodded and crept forward, shining a flashlight that I managed to get onto his shoulder (with the help of the all powerful duct tape. There was a mostly used roll of the stuff in the cockpit of the C-5, sticking a penlight to the ceiling.) over the floor ahead of us.

"Looks clear." He whispered, and eased a door open. Half a second later, he slammed it shut as a stinger from a scorpion tail embedded itself where his face was a millisecond ago.

"Right. Clear." I laughed, firing a few rounds and earning a roar of pain in response. Without missing a beat, I cracked open the door, pulled the pin off of a frag grenade, tossed it in, and got away from the door frame. Good thing, because that thing was older than dirt, and simply exploded outward in tiny ass shards. Peering back in when the dust settled, I saw the shredded body of a manticore lying in a kitchen.

"Is it clear now?" Bill asked.

"NOW it is." I said, withdrawing and looking around some more.

"Alright, let's go to the highest and most intact tower." Anon said, causing Dawn to glare at him for some reason.

"And why do you want to go there?" Dawn questioned.

"To confirm something." He grunted, walking off and up a staircase. We all sighed and trudged up after him, while Dawn glared a hole in his back. Honestly, I was just here with Bill to provide security at this point.

"The fuck you trying to confirm?" I called up, walking backwards carefully.

"Something that I'll tell you if it's real or not!" Anon called back, not helping in the least.

"You've been quiet, Doc." I muttered to the man walking behind me.

"Because of you, I'm just tagging along." He muttered back, shifting a little. I just shrugged and tripped, but Bill caught me before my head could recieve another fracture.

"Thanks mate." I grunted, saying fuck it and turning around.

"No problem. SEALs always look after their own, even if one's not a SEAL." He replied.

"I was highly considering joining the SEALs when I finished my current deployment, actually." I said. "IED got to me first."

"How bad was it?" He asked.

"From what I remember, I left behind a body so burnt you couldn't tell if I was an ape or a human before." I replied.

"Died during a jump. My chute wouldn't open, and my teammates couldn't get to me because their chutes already opened." He replied.

"Hey, Anon! Tell Bill how you died!" I called up.

"My Humvee in a convoy got nuked by an IED!" He called back.

"The plebians got to him, huh?" Bill commented.

"Pretty much." I replied, and halted before my face could become one with Dawn's ass. Before anybody could comment, I scooted about five inches to the right.

"Alright, we're here." Anon said, and pushed open the door that he was standing in front of.

"...I don't think there was a door here in Episode 2..." I muttered to myself, having taken it upon my shoulders to figure out what Anon's universe said about this. Didn't become this 'Brony' of Anon's culture, because I did it for pure Science!

"What was that?" Doc asked, looking at me.

"Nothing. Get your shebs moving." I order, sliding in after Dawn, M60 at the ready. Dawn was glaring at Anon, and I took a moment to look around.

It was different from in the episode. There was actual furniture and shit.

"Dawn... You're hiding something very important from Celestia and Luna, aren't you?" I asked, lowering my M60 and hoping to God I was wrong.

"...Yes..." He finally sighed. "Remember when I said I cast a spell that kept the Elements from killing Nightmare Moon?"

"Don't tell me..." I groaned as the shadows seemed to move around. It could've been my eyes playing tricks on me, but my sight isn't even remotely as shitty as my hearing.

Would've been a good sniper, had I chose to be one instead of EOD.

"Yes." He sighed as a black Alicorn appeared.

"Welcome, my dear brother. I see that you had brought some friends." Nightmare Moon said, looking at each of us.

Bill, for some retarded reason, decided it would be a good idea to shoot at her (bullets melted like they would with a Dalek), and she shot a laser at him. Being the smart human that I am, I push him out of the way with a yell.

Half of my face melted and I was embraced by the silence. The last thing I saw was Moon look surprised, shocked, and had sorrow etched into it.

Nightmares and No Hope

Bolting straight up with a yell, I sent a certain changeling flying across the room, and awoke a certain earth pony. I was too busy breathing hard and clutching a shaking police baton in my hand to notice the concerned stares that my wife and daughter gave me, even as the other occupants of the house piled into the room as fast as they could.

"Mark? Are ya okay?" Scootaloo asked, and yelped as I quickly brought her into my grip, sobbing for the first time in a while.

"Clear out, something's wrong with Mark right now." Judy had to yell, pushing everyone except AJ and Apple out, while I just held Scoots against my chest.

Needless to say, she was one confused as fuck kid at the moment.

'Daddy?' Apple asked, putting a hoof against my knee.

'I don't want to talk about it...' I replied, stroking Scootaloo's mane as if I stopped, it would disappear.

'Talking about it will help, and you know it.' She told me, narrowing her eyes a little.

'You're right... It's just... Jesus Christ.' I sighed, and after a moment let Scoots go.

"God... You know how you see something that scars you for life?" I finally said, my voice cracking slightly.

"Yea?" Judy and AJ replied, the former crouching down in front of the bed as I sat there, two fillies in my lap and a mare rubbing my back with her hooves.

"I had that kind of nightmare..." I muttered, putting my face in my hands.

"Who was in it, besides you?" AJ asked, not letting up the gentle assault on my back.

"That's the thing." I bitterly laughed, wiping my nose. "It starred me, Scoots, and..."

At that moment, Rainbow Dash decided to pop in with Duffy; probably called over by someone in the house.

And I almost shit myself.

"Get the fuck away from me!" I yelped, falling off of the bed (sending Apple flying again), my hands scrambling to get to the M4 I have taped to the underside of the bed.

"Woah! She's not going to hurt you!" Judy yelled, holding her hands up as I freed the weapon and got my back against the wall. Later, I would come to wonder how the fuck she knew German, but dismissed it as my body language telling her.

"Stay the fuck away from her!" I growled, not even bothering to raise the butt to my shoulder to properly aim. Dash was about to say something, but the flick of the safety lever going straight to fully automatic shut her up.

"Easy." Duffy said, holding his arms out in a non-threatening manner. "Look, I'm taking her from the room. Nice and slowly, so don't shoot." After he finished, he lead the bitch away, and I only released my grip when I heard them going downstairs.

"Now... What the fuck was that all 'bout?!" AJ finally said a moment later. I took a moment to respond, rubbing my head.

'Apple, are you able to project memories and the like? Too bloody afraid to voice them.' I asked.

'I'm a changeling, daddy. Anything to do with the mind is somewhat natural to me.' She replied, rolling her eyes as her horn flared a sickly green color.

The next several minutes saw Judy, Scoots, and AJ watching the nightmare I just had from my point of view.

"Ah... Ah don't know what to say..." AJ managed to studder as I glared a hole in the floor. Scoots herself was brimming with tears, while Schmidt looked on from the doorway.

"You know she wouldn't do something like that, Mark." He said, making me glare at him.

"You know what's hilarious?" I spat. At his raised eyebrow, I continued. "I could snap one day and do the same fucking thing!"

"What do you mean?" Judy quietly asked.

"I'm EOD. Not as taxing as SEALs, but the mental strain is hard to put up with." I sighed, putting my head to my knees. "Even though I've been here for roughly five years, the time I spent in Afghanistan is taking it's toll on me now. Now, I'm more than likely PTSD's bitch."

"Don't go an' say that, Sugarcube." AJ tried telling me.

"You don't get it, AJ. And I honestly hope that you won't." I sighed. "For one," I started, pointing at the three humans who were standing near me (Duffy came back up without Dash), "you all, with the probable exception of Schmidt, don't know what I've had to do."

"Tell us, then." Duffy grunted.

"I've had to kill Taliban. You did too, but this is different. I've had to watch children weep as their fathers lay in a pool of their blood. I had the stress of life or death weighing down on me as I risked my fucking life to make sure some shitty ass street didn't become a

bloodbath.

"Risk my goddamn life over some ass of a Commanding Officer, save the fucker, and get punished for it!" I added, throwing the M4 across the room in disgust.

Dawn took that moment to appear, frowning heavily as Lunacae did, too.

"We have a problem, Mark." They said at the same time.

"Lay it on me." I grunted.

"It's... Discord. Before getting stoned again, he put a spell on you." Dawn started.

"Then get rid of it." I spat, frowning.

"It's not that simple." Lunacae butted in. "Chaos magic is a tricky, and elder, magic to use. Not even we can dispell the spell placed upon thou." She explained. I just sighed and thunk'd my head against the wall.

"What am I looking at here, then?" I asked.

"We only detected it when thou had fallen into slumber." Lunacae explained. "It will give thou horrible nightmares, all of which go against thy Elements of Harmony."

"You already had Loyalty's." Dawn said. "She betrayed her most diehard fan for some sick regulations that don't exist. I made sure of it when they did exist, they were eliminated as quickly as possible."

"So, who am I having next, then?" I asked, slowly getting to my feet. I was still shaking like a bitch, but AJ and Judy helped keep me steady.

"We can't tell. For all we know, the next will be Applejack. Or Twilight. Maybe Fluttershy." Dawn sighed, starting to pace. "All we can tell is that whoever's next in your nightmares, it will place the seeds of distrust into your mind. Rainbow Dash will have to work hard to regain your trust, because you will subconsciously hate her until she does."

"But if I'm actively trying to keep myself from hating her, won't that quicken the process?" I asked. Dawn shook his head.

"Chaos magic doesn't work like that. I'm not even going to pretend to understand it, but I can assure you, it's impossible to do that." He said. "Mentioning her won't set you off, but as soon as you look at her and hear her voice, you'll want to kill and or maim her."

"Jesus Christ..." I muttered, before looking at Duffy. "You might want to go warn Dash, or else she'll pop up in the morning and I'll end up putting a bullet into her."

"On it." He said, leaving. I sat down on the edge of the bed and stared out of the window, looking at the moon.

"'Tis beautiful, isn't it?" Lunacae asked as the others awkwardly left, save for Apple. AJ muttered about getting something to snack on.

"I can see through Celestia's and Luna's act." I said. "And since you're doing an entirely different thing, you don't count."

"What doth thou mean?" She asked, narrowing her eyes a little.

"Moving the sun and moon around the planet." I said, twirling an index finger for effect. "Sure, it is plausable that Luna moves the moon, but Celestia cannot move the sun. No matter how powerful she is, it just won't work. Simple physics. She would have to be able to move trillions of tons of flaming gas."

"Then what does thou thinketh they do?" She asked.

"Celestia could very well rotate the planet, which I think she does. Luna, with the moon, may actually be just that." I explained. "And there's another hole in your legacy; you could not survive on the moon, because you bloody well need oxygen to survive. There's almost no atmosphere to speak of on the moon, so that whole 'banishment to the moon' story is bullshit."

I don't know why, but she started chuckling.

"Somepony figured it out." She whispered. "Thou art entirely right, of course. Celestia didn't actually banish us to the moon, rather she banished us to a room that was an exact copy of the surface of the moon."

"That right there is more believable." I muttered, lighting a cigarette and sucking on the end. "Want a light?"

"What does thou mean?" She asked, curious to the glowing death stick in my mouth.

"Would you like a cigarette?" I clarified, offering one out to her. When she nodded, I eased the filter into her mouth and put her lips around the brown part. "When the other end lights up, breath in through the filter." I told her, flicking my lighter and lighting the end. She did as I told, and coughed a little.

"Now, breath the smoke out." I continued, watching as smoke billowed forth from her nostrils.

"I'm not sure how nicotine is with equines, but it's highly addicting. You're gonna have to ask Anon for more, when you get back." I added after a moment. I knew for a fact my Multi-verse self was dating the ex-Nightmare beside me.

"What doth this cigarette do?" She asked, using her magic to hold the cancer stick in place.

"It's a stress reliever that I used. Since I had to go through nicotine withdrawl a while back, I was an asshole for a while, but now that I have it again..." I trailed off, content to just look at the stars.

"Well, we must get back to the castle." Lunacae said after a while, rising off of her flanks and nodded to me. "We bid thee farewell."

"Until next time, ma'am." I said with a salute, before she flashed out of existance. When she was gone, I stomped out the still burning filter, and swept it under the bed for later disposal.

'Can I have one?' Apple asked as I sat back down.

"No. There are not enough ways to say 'no' to that question." I sighed. "This stuff's gonna take my lifespan down a notch, because it's pretty much filled with toxins these days."

'Then why do you smoke them?' Apple asked in confusion.

"Because it's a good way to deal with stress, rather than drink my liver to death." I muttered, lying back down and staring up at the ceiling.

I knew that I wasn't going to get sleep for a while, but I didn't care.

A Christmas Chapter

Author's Note

Yeah, it's May. Yeah, I don't give a fuck.

A Christmas Chapter

"Why the hell are we in Afghanistan?" I asked, noting the (sadly) familiar room type. A warm breeze blew through the window, blowing some old newspapers in Arabic around.

"I don't know." Time Turner replied, looking at a screen. "The date's December 24th, 2012." I let out an audible sigh that was probably heard in Korea. Either it was the passing jet shaking the room or it was my sigh.

"The day I die..." I said, looking out the open window. The street seemed way too familiar for my liking.

"Hell of a Christmas present for your wife..." Turner muttered, causing me to thunk my head against the wall.

"Can you just fix the TARDIS so we can go buy a tree?" I asked. He took a moment to respond.

"She's being difficult." He finally said, looking at me through the doors. "It'll take an hour to fix her." I nodded as he went back in. I grabbed a chair and sat it in front of the window, watching the buildings. I knew that a fiddy wouldn't be able to kill me, so I didn't care that I was blaring 'open target' to all terrorists.

Fifty minutes later, a Humvee stopped at the far end of the street. Using my helmet's zoom function, I discovered that it was me and my old squad. The three of them moved to the trunk, before my younger self started suiting up.

"I gotta let myself die..." I sighed, looking down at the dust covered floor. "Or else I'll fuck the timeline up."

"As much as I hate to say it, you're smarter than Rose in this sense." Turner called out from the TARDIS.

At that moment, the door started opening to the room we were in and I saw the barrel of an AK-47. Out of an old habit that instantly returned, I drew my M1911A1 and fired four (magically) silenced rounds in rapid succession. Three bullets hit their target, while the fourth embedded itself into the wall. He was dead before he hit the ground; a .45 went clean through his skull.

"Fuck." I muttered, taking a glance out of the window; I was suited up and a third of the way down the street. As I watched, my younger self shot my squad mates the finger. Muttering another curse, I went over to the dead guy and pried the AK-47 from his grip. Even though I knew it must be done, I would be kicking myself for years.

Three feet from the half buried IED, I aimed my new weapon. Younger me paused for a second before dropping twenty pounds of C-4 and turning to run. Exhaling, I squeezed the trigger once, sending a 7.62mm bullet out of the barrel of the gun. A large explosion shook the building; it was a cluster of IEDs packed together.

"I knew that I had no choice, but it feels wrong..." I sigh, staring at a scratch on my helmet.

"Hey, I was killed by my wife, in front of my wife, who proceeded to try and kill my wife, while my best friend was off to the side pregnant with my wife." Turner said, trying to cheer me up.

"That happens a lot in Utah, actually." I said with a small chuckle, popping a bullet out of the AK magazine. Bastard I took it from had AP rounds. At least I left more of a body than I thought; only the lower half of my body was completely missing. My wife would at least get something to bury besides hair.

"Something wrong, sir?" A Wal-mart cashier asked me a 'week' earlier.

"My father died." I half lied. Even if they'd believe me, I couldn't just say that I killed myself.

"I'm sorry for your loss." She said with a frown, accepting the $100 I handed to her. Nothing says Christmas in America like a plastic tree!

"Keep the change." I said, hefting the box onto a shoulder and walking away before she could protest. I'd probably just given her a Christmas bonus of $70.

"Do you have everything you need?" Turner asked as I pushed the box into my pocket.

"One more thing, for somebody special." I said, pulling out a medium sized box. "Christmas day, 2012." With the normal whrr, we were off once again.

"God, how I wish I could just walk in there..." I sighed, glancing down at my feet at our 'guard spider', Mugs. I named the beautiful son of a bitch after the Securitron in New Vegas. Lil' bastard recognized his owner, even after I had extra years under my belt. I gave him a cracker as I sat down on the doormat.

"Is it even possible for him to eat that?" Turner asked as he watched the six inch camel spider eat the shit out of the food.

"Mugs is like Pinks; an exception to the universe and a neon sign of fuck you to evolution." I told him. "I spent five years missing him, so he's coming back with us."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Amber never really liked him, anyway." I shrugged. "She loves me and all, but she can't stand the various animals I bring home sometimes."

"What was the worst one?" He asked as I quietly opened the door and slipped my (and by extention, Celestia's) present into our house.

"Huntsman spider." I responded, lifing Mugs up and placing him on my shoulder. "She threw my lucky brick at it as soon as she saw it." I explained as I got back to my feet.

Right before I shut the TARDIS' doors behind me, I threw a rock and hit the door. Almost instantly, Groucho (German Shephard of 10 years) started barking.

I didn't get to see my wife as she looked out in confusion, before noticing what I left. I wasn't able to hear her gasp as she opened the box and saw the hundred 24 karat gold bits that were inside. I wasn't able to hold her as she cried softly after reading the letter I wrote to her. At least I already decided to take Mugs, so the letter explained where he went off to.

"You're gonna love your new home, Mugs." I told my pet. "All the table scraps you can eat, as long as you still enjoy apple products. Just try and be nice to the others." I swear, Mugs understood everything I just said, because he nodded. Then again, the TARDIS automatically translates for her passengers, no matter the species. Since he had no vocal cords, he couldn't reply.

I'd shit myself if he did.

Cookout and Fetishes (surprisingly SFW)

At the end of every month the humans of Equestria would gather at Fort Reach, a military base on the outskirts of Ponyville, to grill out and relax in a way that only humans could. Now, most ponies didn't mind the cooking and eating of meat. In point of fact, most ponies were omnivorous, with fish being their regular source of protein. And Ponyville was the home of Equestria's first, and now most successful chain of fast food restaurants, Hay Burger. A nautical themed restaurant that had an uncanny resemblance to Spongebob's favorite place of employment.

However, while fish, chicken, and potatoes made for a nice variety to salads, pasta, and sandwiches... it was nice to gather around a fire pit and burn animal flesh while consuming grain alcohol. In other words, having a barbecue while drinking beer with ones comrades in arms.

As for what was being slowly turned on the spit…

Deep within Ghastly Gorge there's a race of big pig, called Buzz Boars. A wild pig that could reach 300 pounds, was as tall as a pony, and complete with a small brain and a nasty attitude problem. The animal got its name from the saw teeth-like growths along its spine. When riled up, they would roll into a ball and pull a Sonic the Hedgehog, spinning in place before launching towards its intended victim.

It gave a new meaning to razorback. Anon mentioned something along the lines of 'Operators in Equestria' and chuckled darkly about 'Filth' and 'Tiachuawonga' as he blasted one in the face.

Needless to say, both Celestia and Fluttershy gave their okay for the humans to hunt the animal. Culling the pig's numbers to keep them from overpopulating the Gorge and branching out into pony territory where they could harm somepony. Problem was that the Buzz Boar were a nasty yet clever animal that one had to hunt by air… thank god for helicopters and snipers.

But one digresses.

Everyone was relaxing, the one rule (to win without severe injury/murder) football game had just ended, and Doc had just rung the dinner bell. With a plate full of BBQ pork dripping with sauce, a baked potato with all the trimmings and a nice cold glass of beer, Mark made his way over to one of the tables and sat back to watch the sun set. A quick headcount at the time told him that Max and Bill were not present; Max was coming, and Bill had taken a trip to Chryssie's Hive for an inspection.

"Really… again?" Jane asked as Duffy slid into a chair across from her.

"Huh," he blinked before looking down at a bandaged hand. "Oh this, yeah, Rainbow got a little overzealous last night," he smiled before holding up his other hand. "But at least it wasn't my trigger finger this time."

"Dude, what is it with ponies and their finger fetishes?" o'Drake said with a shiver.

"Not all of them have a finger fetish," Private Smith said from down the table. Mark's been meaning to promote the lot of them for a while, but just never got around to it. "Hey, Shepard, you started this, so what fetish does the prince have?"

"Er… but I didn't," she flinched.

"Come on sniper girl," Duffy chuckled as all eyes turned towards her. "We want to know."

Thinking quickly she hit on a way out of her predicament, "Only if the General goes first…"

"AJ has an outdoors fetish, the fact she might be seen drives her wild." Mark said without a second thought. Slowly his gaze ventured to Jane who's mouth had dropped open in surprise. "What, didn't think I'd answer?"

"So come on Janie…" this time it was Blake who pressed. "Spill it."

"I have a better idea," Mark announced, taking a little pity on the female sniper. Just a little. The guy was pratically raised by /b/, after all. "Since this can of worms is open, how about we go around the table… starting with my man Blake here?"

"Guess I stepped in that one," he grumbled before taking a swig of beer. "Rarity has a mud fetish."

"Wait, we are talking about little miss purity here right?" Jane asked.

"She goes to great pains to hide it, but she really gets off on being covered in mud," he chuckled and Mark had to agree, having seen the white unicorn's reaction to the mud baths at the spa. "Now she hates dirt, but mud… she's had a thing for it ever since the Sisterhooves Social some two or three years ago."

"Next," Mark barked as the information sank in.

"Spanking, actually." Veetor called out from the other end of the table. "Lyra was a good filly, but every time she was punished she enjoyed the hell out of it."

"Aloe really likes massages." Gary Steele made his turn, rubbing his fingers. "I can't do as well as Mark can, but she doesn't bitch either way."

"Pinkie likes it rough," Gallan took his turn. "I'm not talking painfully rough here, but she likes it fast and hard."

"Bacon," was all Doc said, but the odd looks he suddenly received (pretty much a collective 'nigger wat') that forced him to elaborate. "Shy is the most loving and caring pony to ever live, and would never hurt a fly unless forced to," he smiled. "But she has a love/hate thing for bacon, she gets wet just smelling it cook, let alone eating it."

"Holy shit," Duran gasped out, "And here I thought Cheerilee's schoolgirl fetish was a bit odd."

"Well, two for one, thanks Rick." Mark laughed. "Next?"

"Well, Harvest and I haven't gotten around to discussing our fetishes yet." McDermontt shifted uncomfortably.

"It's fine." Mark calmed the Gunney. "Next."

"Brushing teeth." Shelton said without hesitating. "Teeth in general, really." He licked his new pearly whites as he said this. Free 'fillings', as in he got a completely new set of teeth.

"There's no big surprise there." Sven deadpanned.

"Twilight likes to be read to," Schmit spoke up. "She gets hot when I read to her out loud, in German."

"That makes sense," Blake nodded after a moment. "She is a know-it-all and a librarian. Tobias."

"Haven't found anyone yet, remember?" The former NASA employee answered. The humans nodded a little and looked to the only black man there.

"Cooking." Callum replied, cracking his neck. "Doesn't matter what it is, cooking always gets her off. Even if it's just cereal."

"Music." Sergio and Huka said at the same time. "Vinyl/'Tavi secretely loves classical/dubstep." That got a few chuckles.

"Luna is a voyeur," Jeremy was next to speak. "She likes getting fucked while watching other pony's wet dreams."

"And suddenly I feel really violated," Gallan shivered.

"Why," Jane cooed. "Did someone have an erotic dream last night?"

"errr… No." Luke shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Well, we had one princess," Mark turned to Anon and waited.

"My Nightmare, the evil one who wanted to take over all of Equestria… likes to be tied up and dominated."

The entire table was silent for a moment until Johnnie gave a cough. "I did not see that one coming." Yeah, Mark pretty much said fuck it and allowed him to drink booze. He still hasn't been allowed to tap AB, though.

"Funny," Anon gave a wicked smile. "I get to at least twice a night."

"And who's next," Jane turned to find Judy with a fork halfway to her open mouth.

"Do I have to," the pilot asked as she put her fork down.

"… Yes…" everyone at the table said together.

"Like most men, Big Mac has a thing for tits, big, plump, human tits…" she sighed and most thought she was through, but… "However, his fetish is breast milk."

"Wait… what?" Schmidt shook his head.

"The women in my family have all been wet nurses," she elaborated. "We start producing milk when around a young child for too long, so it didn't take long once we adopted Apple Spice for me to start lactating. At first Big Mac was just trying to help drain the excess milk out of my breasts, but he became hooked one night after accidentally suckling on one of my tits… and I find it kind of erotic to feel him nursing… so I guess it's both our fetishes."

"Ok, so far Judy wins the big prize," Johnnie shivered, not sure he could ever look at Big Mac the same.

"Who wins what prize," Max asked as he ventured passed.

"Just in time Master Sergeant," the General smiled as he pulled out the chair to his right out and patted it.

"In time for what?" Max questioned as he hesitantly sat down.

"Why, to tell us Sunbutt's secret sexual fetish," he chuckled, quickly placing a hand on the mechanics' shoulder and keeping him in his chair. "We've all shared, now it's yer turn."

"Really?"

The waiting glances from everyone at the table told him everything he needed to know.

"Celestia likes to wear lingerie," the Master Sergeant sighed. "Stockings, panties, guarder belts… the whole sha-bang." The way Max was talking, everyone could tell he was speaking the truth. "Be it leather, silk or lace, she gets really horny when I slowly dress her, and yes she likes having sex after."

"You know," Luke sounded disappointed as he slowly sat back in his chair. "Out of everything we just learned about our ponies and their fetishes, I think Celestia's is the most… tame."

"As much as I'm slightly disturbed by the thought, Stephen?" Duffy asked. He didn't have anything wrong against gay/bi people, he just thought it was a little awkward that a man was being ridden by a pony instead of the other way around.

"Pie." He said as he shovelled a meat version into his mouth. What Mark really wanted to know was how the hell Cepeda was able to get with somebody who didn't even live in Ponyville so soon. Stephen's been out of the town, over the past few weeks, a total of half a day.

"Well, we still have one," Mark gave a wicked smile as he turned to the female sniper. "It's your turn."

"Shit," Jane sighed, she had been backed into a corner on this one. "Dawn... from what I've seen, if it is indeed a fetish, likes to gender shift into a filly... and tease the royal guards."

While the rest of the table sat in stunned silence, Mark could only grin. He to had an alternate filly form and ever since that odd, lust fueled night at the Crystal Empire, he and AJ had been having regular sex with Sand Dune.

And frankly he loved it.

"Yeah, it's a fetish." Mark said.

"And how would you know?" Duffy called out. Mark opened his mouth to blame 4chan, but never really found a thread like that on /d/.

"Er..." He trailed off, looking to the side. Everyone got quiet as they realized what that meant.

"...Eh." Anonymous shrugged and continued eating his boar. "I've heard of worse fetishes."

Author's Note

I'm so sorry ;-;

Interlude: Gunnery

[Ponyville]

“You know, ever since Mark and Major left for that summit, everything’s been… quieter.” Twilight commented as she helped Schmidt clean up one of the AA turrets that he had set up from the Ratte. “Even though its been two days, everything’s slowed the heck down.”

“Its like he’s the main protagonist of a story or something.” Spike commented as he brought over a box of ammunition. “Why the heck did you need me for this again?”

“You need to pay more attention little dragon.” Schmidt chastised, pointedly ignoring Spike’s muttering about him being an adult. “I’m teaching you how to fire these guns.” Twilight gave him a sharp look. “Nothing like a live fire demonstration to lighten the mood!” That sharp look turned into a sharp glare. Spike, meanwhile, went from mildly annoyed assistant to eager assistant.

“Helm...” She growled softly. “You better not be getting anyone in danger.” Helmut rolled his eyes and ruffled her mane, not exactly reassuring her. She nearly bit him.

“We’ll be aiming in the direction of Everfree, and besides, he’ll start learning by loading the gun for me.” Schmidt answered. “Now, you stand here, Spike get on the other side with the racks.” Once they got into position, Schmidt took his seat at the gunner’s position and walked Spike through loading the magazines. Right before he started firing, he seemed to remember that ponies had sensitive ears and gave the two protection.

“How will we know its over?” Spike called out pretty loudly, causing him to chuckle.

“When the firing stops!” Schmidt gleefully started firing, sending 20 millimeter high explosive tracer rounds rocketing into the dusk sky, green tracers zipping towards the Everfree. In about six seconds, the four guns were dry, causing Schmidt to motion for Spike to reload them.

“Wouldn’t it be easier for a unicorn to load them?” Twilight asked as she shifted an earmuff to one side so she could hear him.

“Yes, but a gunner should know how to load his gun in case of a loader death.” Schmidt explained. Spike paused for a second, but slid in the last magazine. “Of course I hope it never comes to that, but it pays to be sure.”

“What can you tell me about the big cannons?” Twilight asked as the two males swapped seats.

“Well, the 28cms are coastal defense guns, since we’ve scrapped the naval ships they were on.” Schmidt sipped at a cup of coffee as he watched Spike let loose with the HE-Ts. While he reloaded, he continued. “The 12,8cm? No fucking clue. Came after Stalingrad from what I can tell. Probably a version the army had developed from the naval cannons.”

“Language.” Twilight casually remarked, rubbing her chin. “And I take it you’re familiar with these 2cm… whatsits?”

“Flakvierling 38’s.” Schmidt clarified. “The 2cm cartridge was going out of date by the time the war started and we were starting to use a 37mm auto-cannon instead, so Rheinmetall stuck four of these 2cm cannons together and improved the effectiveness just enough to be used as well.” Twilight hummed, Schmidt the only one noticing as Rainbow touched down behind the turret. “Yes?”

“Just wondering what’s going on.” She said, her ears folding down to block out as much of the sound of the guns as possible. “What with the whole light show and all.”

“Showing the young drake here how to operate one of the AA turrets.” Schmidt answered, before nudging Spike. “Cease fire.” The dragon nodded and sat back as smoke started coming out of the barrels, sliding his earmuffs down.

“I like this.” He practically purred, rubbing the magazine almost creepily. Schmidt told him to knock it off.

“You guys ready for First Snow?” RD asked once they were all able to hear her. Schmidt grumbled a bit but nodded. “Still hate winter big guy?”

“Not like Mark does.” He said after a moment, lighting and taking a drag of a cigarette. “I’m fine with the whole ‘making winter yourselves’ thing.” Shrugging, he took a moment to climb out and stretch. “Hate being in those things, honestly.”

“You never mentioned why, though.” Spike pointed out as he got up. Twilight, feeling lazy and definitely not for the fact that the turret was designed for a human, just teleported out.

“You’d feel the same if you saw your comrades freezing to death while you sat inside a freezing tank.” Schmidt shrugged. “Plus the whole starvation thing in Stalingrad. A man had three ways to die; enemy, elements, or hunger.” Twilight flinched at that. “By the time I had died, we were beginning to get about half a loaf of bread a day. If we could get it, since we had been encircled.” Shaking his head, Schmidt sighed. “Though that is all in the past now, so don’t worry about it.”

“How… How’d you die?” Spike asked after a tense silence. Schmidt leaned against the stationary turret, taking a drag of his cigarette before flicking it away and lighting a new one.

“I was in the process of scouting out a supposedly clear area from the turret of my tank, when a soviet sniper put a hole in my chest.” He explained. “Destroyed my left lung and I bled out inside the hull, my gunner and loader frantically trying to save me.”

“You weren’t able to get to a medic in time?” Dash asked quietly. Schmidt shook his head.

“We were scouting, there wasn’t a medic for a couple hundred meters at best.” He answered. “Plus they were more concerned with getting me to breathe again and stop the bleeding.”

“I’m sorry..” Twilight quietly muttered, giving her husband a hug. Schmidt rubbed her head in response.

“So, Spike.” Schmidt looked over at the dragon as he sipped at a bottle of water. “You got a girlfriend yet?” He pointedly ignored the dragon choking on his water. “I’ll take that as a no.”

The End

It is my regret, and relief, to state that I am ending Marine in Equestria here. I know it is abrupt and sudden, but as I've been thinking over the years, I suppose I've been planning on ending it before now, just without the willingness to do so. Until now.

It says something when the only inspiration I've had for this little fanfic of mine had come just moments ago through a dream, and that was to end it. I will not be giving up on writing entirely, as I've got A Better Tomorrow to eventually continue writing, and that same dream has given me something of a 'new' inspiration for MiE. It will be a lot different, sure, but I might end up being able to properly finish this one.

I know how it looks, being posted on April Fool's Day and all, but this isn't me joking around, unfortunately. I thank you all for being on this wild ride with me for over a decade, and I hope to regain favorism with the inspiration gods once I get the ball rolling on the redux.