My Little Roommateby The Equestrian GentlecoltChaptersPrologue (Dave's perspective)Prologue (Key Lime's perspective)Money TroublePrologue (Dave's perspective)I never really believed that stuff about “Apartment 13” being haunted. Sure, I’d heard the stories. Things happened there. Weird things. That was usually about as descriptive as they got, too. New guy moves in, everything’s normal for a few days, then one day he’s gone, and we find out he packed up and left like the devil himself was on his tail. They usually don’t even stop to ask for their deposit back. Yeah, I never really believed there was anything weird about the place. Until I met my new roommate. I guess introductions are in order, huh? My name’s Dave. David Clarkston for long, but I just go by Dave. I’m a college kid. Civil Engineering, on my way to a Structural Engineering degree. High hopes, low funds, and a student loan the size of Baghdad. You probably know someone just like me. Apartment 13 probably deserves some introduction of its own. It’s part of Yellowwood Apartments, right by the college. Its real name is Apartment 213 (it’s on the second floor), but everyone just calls it “Apartment 13” or “The Haunted Apartment”. There’s no Apartment 113, if you’re wondering - nothing there but a janitor’s closet, but they skipped right over the number. Probably superstition. Anyway, the place is pretty close to the school like I said, so the rooms tend to get snapped right up. Except for 213, of course. Well, this is my first year in college, so it was time for me to move out of my parents’ place. Even if I’d wanted to stay, it was a good forty-five minute drive from there to the college. I needed to find somewhere closer by. Somewhere cheap. I was in luck. There was one apartment left. I’m sure you can guess which one. I’m David Clarkston, officially the sole renter of Apartment 213. This is my life. Cue the theme song. Livin’ it up in Apartment 13. Got my own piece of the American Dream. Just moved away from home, feelin’ so sad and lonely, Until I met up with my little pony. She’s not just your average college town girl, But I wouldn’t give this filly up for the world. She can’t go on beer runs and she can’t pay the rent, But sometimes it’s true, all you need is a friend. God, that was corny. It doesn’t really do the situation justice, either. Theme songs never do. Sometimes I swear, the people who compose them don’t even watch the show. Enough about that, though. I’m sure you’re curious how we met. It was a sunny day. I knew it was a sunny day because the radio had just, in defiance of the view out my window, told me so. As far as my window was concerned, it was overcast. Then again, it was always overcast, if you looked out my window. I imagine it had something to do with the layer of grime that had built up on it. Layers, really. If you cut the grime away, you could probably count them and figure out how old the apartment was. It had been a couple of days since I moved in, and I was in a bad mood. I’d had no luck finding a roommate, and I wasn’t looking forward to having to cover all the expenses myself. Like I said before, not exactly rolling in dough here. So you can imagine that I was hopefully optimistic when I heard a knock at the door. “Hold on, I’ll be right there!” I got up from the worn remains of an antique armchair (don’t ask me, it came with the place), tossed aside my copy of Game Informer, and pulled open the door. Turned out the radio was right. The first thing my potential new roommate got to see was a bed-headed college kid staggering back, shielding his face from the sudden onslaught of what must’ve been the brightest mid-morning sun I’d ever had the misfortune of being blinded by. So much for first impressions. When my eyes finally adjusted to the light enough for me to squint out at my visitor, I thought maybe my ears had been playing tricks on me - there was no one there! My expression probably had time to shift about halfway from dazed to confused before I thought to look down. Then I decided that, no, it was apparently my eyes that were playing the tricks. There in front of me, damndest thing, right? There in front of me was this little... horse thing. Looked like something out of a kid’s show. (I found out later that there actually is a kid’s show about them. Go figure.) It had crazy bright green fur, I’m talking neon lime green here, and its mane and tail... I’ve seen horses, okay? My folks took me to a horse ranch when I was little, I even got to ride on one. I’ll tell you, though, not one of them had blue hair. They didn’t have a horn, either, but I was more hung up on the blue hair at this point. That’s not even the weirdest part, though. This horse thing, which I’m already pretty sure can’t possibly exist, is holding in its mouth one of the fliers I’d posted up looking for a roommate. I can’t help but feel, at this point, that something important has been missed. “You’re a horse,” I informed the creature. “You’re a monkey,” she replied around the flier. It was definitely a she, if the voice was anything to go by. “Hold on, I’ll be right back.” I shut the door. A lesser man might have screamed, or tried to run, or just fainted right on the spot. I like to think that I’m not a lesser man. I’m a natural overachiever. I tried to do all three. It came out as a muffled sort of yelp, an adrenaline rush, and a slight stumble away from the door before I came to my senses. That obviously hadn’t just happened. I reopened the door, just to reassure myself. “So, you still looking for a roommate?” the horse thing asked, sounding slightly impatient. It was still there. It was still talking. I looked over the edge of the little balcony in front of my apartment. People were out there walking, biking, or driving by, the same as always, completely oblivious to the fact that there was a talking horse on my doorstep. Well, it couldn’t get any weirder from here. Might as well just roll with it, and hope nobody notices me out here talking to myself. “Uh... yeah. I take it you’re interested?” She let the flier drop out of her mouth, perking up visibly. Literally, her ears lifted right up when her expression changed. “Sure am! I’ve got my share of the rent right here. I hope you don’t mind if I move in right away. It’s kinda a long story, but I need a place like today.” The top flap of a saddlebag on her side opened by itself, and a small brown pouch floated through the air toward me. Okay, I was wrong. It could get weirder. After what might have been thirty seconds of me staring blankly at the pouch, my new roommate obviously felt the need to prompt me to action. “Are... you going to take it, or what?” I took it. It was surprisingly heavy - I hoped for a moment that she wasn’t trying to pay in silver dollars or something. Turns out it was worse. “Are these... gold coins?” “They’re bits.” Was that a horse joke? “You’ve seriously never seen bits before?” “Uh, no, look uh Miss...” I struggled to remember if she’d already told me her name. “Key Lime.” “Miss... Keylime. I don’t think this is going to work out. I’m not sure where you’re from, but I can’t pay the rent with bits. I’m pretty sure they only accept paper or plastic here.” “Oh.” The little horse thing looked up at me with what was very obviously a disappointed expression. Even her ears were drooping, slowly lowering until they hung down beside her head. “I guess I’ll have to keep looking.” “Yeah. I guess so.” “This was the last place I had to try.” “Sorry.” “Well, bye then.” “Bye.” The little creature turned away, head lowered, and began to make her way carefully down the steps to the ground. I couldn’t help noticing an odd mark on her flank, a tattoo or something, of a musical note. I wasn’t really paying much attention to that, though. I was pretty sure I heard sniffling. I shut the door. Good job, Dave, you just made a girl cry. She had just been some crazy hallucination anyway, right? She wasn’t real. Even if she was real, it’s not like she was actually a girl. She was just some kind of talking horse thing. Some kind of talking... sentient... horse... girl. Dammit. “Wait!” I threw open the door and rushed out to the stairs. Key Lime looked back at me. I swear I saw tears in her eyes. A few of the people passing by gave me some odd looks, but I ignored them - I was already pretty well committed to being crazy now anyway. “You... forgot your bits.” I held out the bag, which I had forgotten myself until right then. “Oh. Thanks.” Not even Eeyore could have sounded less enthusiastic right then. “Look... you can stay. We’ll work something out, okay?” She perked back up. I couldn’t help but smile. “My name’s Dave, by the way. Come on, I’ll show you your new place. I’ll warn you, it’s not much to look at.” She trotted back up the stairs, and past me. “That’s okay, neither are you.” I’m David Clarkston, officially the sole renter of Apartment 213. I have a pony for a roommate. This is my life. Prologue (Key Lime's perspective)I never really believed that stuff about “Apartment 13” being haunted. Yes, I’d heard the stories. Strange noises at night, lights on inside when nopony was supposed to be living there, that sort of nonsense. It was a ramshackle second-story apartment in the most run-down part of Canterlot. Between that and its unfortunate numbering, it was no surprise there were a few silly superstitions around it. Many ponies had tried renting it, of course. It wasn’t the most convenient location, but it was cheap, and available. They never stayed, though. They always left after a few days, saying they really wanted to find somewhere “closer to the school.” I figured they just let the place’s reputation get to them, and got tired of jumping at every shadow. I never really believed in all that superstitious nonsense - until I met my new roommate. I should introduce myself. My name is Key Lime, although most ponies just shorten it to “Lime”, and I’m a student at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. That’s gifted in magic, mind you, not in finances. I’m living on a rather sizable student loan right now, but I remain hopeful that a degree in Applied Runecraft will make paying it off a snap. Of course, my special talent is supposed to be in music... but the odds of making a career out of playing the guitar are somewhere between “Princess Celestia showing up at your door in a bathing suit” and “meeting a talking monkey.” At least we know I have the luck for it. One out of two’s not bad, all things considered. I’ll just have to keep hoping for the other. Anyway, this is my first year in the school. I got the entrance exam scheduled at the last minute, so by the time I got accepted, apartments came in one of two flavors: expensive, and taken. All except for one. You’ve got one guess which one that might be. I’m Key Lime, the latest brave soul to try to live in Apartment 13. This is my life. Cue the theme song. Livin’ it up in Apartment 13. Got a little piece of the Equestrian Dream. Just moved to Canterlot, it was all so confusin’, Until I met up with my friend the human. He’s not just your average college town colt, But underneath it all, he’s got a heart of gold. He’s not my type, but then, in the end, What I really needed right now was a friend. Seriously, who comes up with this garbage? That hardly even rhymes. And you call that a chord progression? More like a bored progression. I could write something better than that in my sleep. Drunk. Anyway. You don’t want to hear about awful theme songs, you want to hear about the talking monkey. It was overcast. It was always overcast in this part of Canterlot. It wasn’t the clouds. I’m sure it was sunny somewhere up there. It was the buildings. This was the part of Canterlot under the part that everypony sees. Tall, beautiful buildings towered above me as I made my way through the streets, their looming presence enough to block out most of the sunlight. The elegant cobblestone roads of the upper city crossed right over the little dirt paths I was following, long bridges holding them primly above the dust and grime below. Canterlot was a city of layers, and I was trotting through the lowest one, my last hope held firmly in my mouth. “Looking for roommate. $250/month. Apply at Apartment 13.” I had carefully gathered 250 bits into a pouch, all ready to hand over. This was the last place on my list, and I really didn’t want to spend my next night on the street. I have some standards, after all. My mood started to lift as the place came into view. It was up on the second story of a series of apartments carved into a short cliff face, a bit above the gloom I was trotting through. A ray of sunlight had even found its way between the two buildings across from it, shining down on the entrance as if Celestia herself were telling me I had finally found my way home. Things were definitely looking up. I climbed the stairs quickly, at more of a canter than a trot, and knocked a hoof against the door. “Hold on, I’ll be right there!” a male voice called from inside. I heard movement, then the door opened, revealing... well, you know. A talking monkey. If I was staring, he didn’t notice, because he was too busy staggering backwards, blinded by the sudden sunlight. Then he sort of stared forward for a second with a confused look on his face before he finally looked down and saw me. I have to admit, I’ve never seen a monkey before. Still, I’m pretty sure most monkeys have more fur than this one did. He had almost no fur except for his mane, although he was wearing clothes to cover up the baldness. His mane was a reddish brown that might have looked distinguished on a stallion, but just looked silly on him. Definitely not what I was expecting, but okay. I can roll with this. I’ve seen weirder... I think. “You’re a horse,” he said helpfully. Great. So we were starting with the basics. “You’re a monkey,” I pointed out, keeping the flier I had picked up between my teeth. “Hold on, I’ll be right back.” He shut the door. At this point, I’d had about enough of this. I was tired, hungry, and down to just the bits I had gathered together for the first month’s rent here. When he reopened the door, I decided to hurry things along a bit. “So, you still looking for a roommate?” The creature looked around, and over the edge of the apartment’s little balcony, as if looking for other ponies before speaking. “Uh... yeah. I take it you’re interested?” I brightened immediately. Now we were getting somewhere! “Sure am! I’ve got my share of the rent right here. I hope you don’t mind if I move in right away. It’s kinda a long story, but I need a place like today.” I picked the pouch of bits up out of my saddlebag and levitated it over to him. I gave him a good thirty seconds of staring blankly at it before I got impatient again. “Are... you going to take it, or what?” He took it, and opened it, but he seemed confused by what he saw. “Are these... gold coins?” “They’re bits. You’ve seriously never seen bits before?” Come on, you’re living in Canterlot, how could you not have seen bits before? “Uh, no, look uh Miss...” “Key Lime,” I provided. “Miss... Keylime. I don’t think this is going to work out. I’m not sure where you’re from, but I can’t pay the rent with bits. I’m pretty sure they only accept paper or plastic here.” “Oh.” I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant by the expression, but it was obvious that this wasn’t going to happen. I tried to keep the disappointment off my face, but I don’t think I succeeded. I’ve always been pretty easy to read. “I guess I’ll have to keep looking.” “Yeah. I guess so.” “This was the last place I had to try.” “Sorry.” “Well, bye then.” “Bye.” I turned away and started down the steps before the waterworks could start in earnest. Damn my wearing my heart on my collar. I heard the door shut behind me, but I was too deep in my own misery to pay attention to it. That was it. That was the last possible place, and somehow, I’d just blown it. From here, it was either sleep on the streets or go back home. I’d be damned if I was going to give up now, after I had already passed the entrance exam, so... the streets it was, then. Maybe I could find a nice soft pile of dirt to curl up on. “Wait!” I heard the creature open his door back up and hurry to the top of the stairs. I tried to wipe off the tears with a hoof, then turned around to see what he wanted. “You... forgot your bits,” he said, holding out the bag. “Oh.” Right. And here I thought he had changed his mind. “Thanks.” “Look... you can stay. We’ll work something out, okay?” I lifted my head, almost not daring to believe my ears. I could stay? I could stay! I had finally found a place! “My name’s Dave, by the way. Come on, I’ll show you your new place. I’ll warn you, it’s not much to look at.” “That’s okay, neither are you.” Well, it was true. I trotted back up the stairs, and past the creature to check out my new home. I’m Key Lime, the latest brave soul to try to live in Apartment 13. I have a human for a roommate. This is my life. Money TroubleSo what’s it like, living with a talking pony? Actually, she’s not that much different than any other roommate. She plays her music too loud, she leaves fur clogging the shower drain, and she’s always bringing girls home from the bars she goes to. Yes, I said girls. Fillies, I guess would be the right word. Anyway, whatever ideas you have in your head about me and her, you might as well forget them now. What’s a typical day in the life of Apartment 13? Let me show you. I woke up, like I often do, to the sounds of an aging electric guitar, and an off-key voice belting out an old power ballad like she thinks she’s Bret freaking Michaels. “Every rose has its thorn... just like every night has its-” “Key Lime, if you do not stop that right now, I will goddamn muzzle you!” Needless to say, I’m not a morning person. An insufferably cheerful equine face poked into my room. I scrambled to pull my covers over myself. “I made you breakfast!” Argh. It’s only been two weeks at this point, and already she’s figured out how to get away with murder around me. Apparently, women are the same no matter where you’re from. “Fine. I’ll be right out.” She disappeared back behind the door, and I threw on my clothes from last night. It was a Saturday, so I could afford to be a little sloppy. The sound of steel strings and a cheesy thirty dollar mini amp had already resumed by the time I left my room. I still don’t know how she convinced me to buy those for her. “And now I hear you found somepony new... and that I never meant that much to you...” I winced a little as she butchered the line with one of her odd, ah, let’s call them Equestrianisms. I let her finish the song before I poked my head into her room on the way by. “It’s not that awful bacon you made out of beans and buckwheat again, is it?” “It tastes exactly the same!” “It tastes like plants.” “You’re imagining things.” If there’s one difference we’ll probably never be able to reconcile, it’s our diets. She won’t eat meat, which I guess is pretty normal for a horse. Me, give me beef, chicken, pork, fish... yeah, I’m a meat lover. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s the natural cycle of life, right? Still, I gotta admit, she’s not a bad cook. And it’s not fake-bacon this morning, it’s pancakes. She makes damn good pancakes. She must want something. “Sooo, Davey?” Called it. She never calls me that unless she wants something. I figured I might as well enjoy the pancakes while I waited for her to spit it out. “Yeah?” “Can we get a computer?” Oh boy, techno-lust strikes again. I admit I’m behind the times - more out of lack of money than lack of interest - but from what I’ve been able to gather, most of the stuff in the place she comes from is somewhere around the 1960s. Modern technology fascinates her. “It’s just, I’ve seen commercials for them on the television, and you can do all kinds of neat things on them... you can look up words, and play card games, and talk to other people with computers, and the ones with the apples on them can even help you make music!” She was actually bouncing up and down on her hooves a little at this point. “Yes, Lime, I’m aware of what a computer does. But there’s no way I can afford something like that right now, I’m barely keeping up with the rent, which I should remind you I’m still handling alone.” Her face fell, and she trotted back into her room without a word, head down. The pancakes tasted like guilt, but I finished them anyway. The rest of the morning was quiet. I spent it in my room, working my way through The Law of Nines. Good book, if you haven’t read it. It seemed particularly appropriate, too, given the situation. Dealing in parallel universes and all that. I found myself wondering how Alex would have reacted if he’d met a talking pony, instead of a human from another dimension. Anyway, it was just getting on toward noon when it started to register that it was too quiet. And, because there’s obviously some kind of universal rule, that was the exact moment that there was an excited knocking at my door. “What now, Lime?” “Can I come in?” She sounded far too excited. What had she done? “...alright?” She immediately burst inside, grinning like a fool, and a stack of dollar bills was shoved in my face. “Gah!” I scrambled back from the floating wad of cash, bumping against the wall. “Don’t do that!” I can’t help it, her magic freaks me out. I don’t know about you, but where I come from, things don’t fly around just because you have a horn and ask them nicely. “Sorry!” Her grin faltered for a moment, but then returned in force. She deposited the bills in front of me. “I did it! I made you money!” “That’s... great?” I eyed the money suspiciously. Something was off. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I didn’t even know why yet... wait... yes I did. “Hold on. Made money, or made money?” Her widening grin told me all I needed to know. “Lime! You can’t just create money like that...” “Yes I can! It was easy actually, see, there’s this spell that unicorns use to copy books, and I realized, your money is made of paper, so all I had to do was-” “No, I mean, it’s counterfeiting. It’s illegal. I could go to prison if I tried to spend these... wow, these are actually... pretty realistic.” I could see her perk up, and shook my head firmly. “No. Even if I could get away with it, that doesn’t make it right. Take these back and get rid of them.” I flinched as the bills glowed slightly and pulled themselves out of my hand. “And stop doing that.” She trotted out of my room, head down, without another word. “Dave! Can I sell these books you’re done reading?” “Books? No, Lime, those are from the library.” “Oh.” “Dave! Do you have a car you’re not using?” “Uh... no?” “Oh. Never mind.” “Hey Dave! Can you go out to the hardware store and get me twenty feet of garden hose?” “No, and whatever you’re doing, stop it.” “Dave! Dave! I just saw on the television that I can make thousands of dollars without leaving home!” Sigh. “No.” “Hey Dave, how do you feel about starting a petting zoo?” “A... petting zoo?” “I could be the star! The other humans would love it!” “What? No. Just... no.” This had been going on all day, and it was starting to get disturbing. “Look, Lime, I know that you really want that computer, but sometimes you just have to accept that you can’t have everything you want. I’m not going to have any part of you selling yourself like an animal just to get a shiny new toy, okay? That’s just... that’s just crazy. ...what?” Her excited expression had disappeared, and she was looking at me with those big, soulful blue eyes of hers. I was pretty sure I saw a tear. Yep, those were definitely tears. “B-but Dave... I wouldn’t be doing it to get a computer. I wanted to make money so I could help you with the rent.” Oh. Well. Foot, meet mouth. “Aw jeez, Lime. C’mere.” She shuffled closer, and I put an arm over her neck. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed. You don’t have to help with the rent, okay? It’ll be fine.” She sniffled a little, then looked up at me again. “What... what about gold? Is that worth anything to humans?” “Gold? Well, actually...” That was right. The money she had originally tried to pay me with had looked like gold coins. Was that seriously real gold? I won’t bore you with the details, but long story short, we discovered that the gold content in her coins was enough to cover her half of the rent with a little left to spare. Money got a bit less tight after that, and our pantry got slightly more variety than baked beans and Bisquick. All in all, life’s not so bad now. I guess it just goes to show, sometimes what you’re looking for has been right under your nose all along. And after a bit of saving our pennies, she even got her computer.
Prologue (Dave's perspective)I never really believed that stuff about “Apartment 13” being haunted. Sure, I’d heard the stories. Things happened there. Weird things. That was usually about as descriptive as they got, too. New guy moves in, everything’s normal for a few days, then one day he’s gone, and we find out he packed up and left like the devil himself was on his tail. They usually don’t even stop to ask for their deposit back. Yeah, I never really believed there was anything weird about the place. Until I met my new roommate. I guess introductions are in order, huh? My name’s Dave. David Clarkston for long, but I just go by Dave. I’m a college kid. Civil Engineering, on my way to a Structural Engineering degree. High hopes, low funds, and a student loan the size of Baghdad. You probably know someone just like me. Apartment 13 probably deserves some introduction of its own. It’s part of Yellowwood Apartments, right by the college. Its real name is Apartment 213 (it’s on the second floor), but everyone just calls it “Apartment 13” or “The Haunted Apartment”. There’s no Apartment 113, if you’re wondering - nothing there but a janitor’s closet, but they skipped right over the number. Probably superstition. Anyway, the place is pretty close to the school like I said, so the rooms tend to get snapped right up. Except for 213, of course. Well, this is my first year in college, so it was time for me to move out of my parents’ place. Even if I’d wanted to stay, it was a good forty-five minute drive from there to the college. I needed to find somewhere closer by. Somewhere cheap. I was in luck. There was one apartment left. I’m sure you can guess which one. I’m David Clarkston, officially the sole renter of Apartment 213. This is my life. Cue the theme song. Livin’ it up in Apartment 13. Got my own piece of the American Dream. Just moved away from home, feelin’ so sad and lonely, Until I met up with my little pony. She’s not just your average college town girl, But I wouldn’t give this filly up for the world. She can’t go on beer runs and she can’t pay the rent, But sometimes it’s true, all you need is a friend. God, that was corny. It doesn’t really do the situation justice, either. Theme songs never do. Sometimes I swear, the people who compose them don’t even watch the show. Enough about that, though. I’m sure you’re curious how we met. It was a sunny day. I knew it was a sunny day because the radio had just, in defiance of the view out my window, told me so. As far as my window was concerned, it was overcast. Then again, it was always overcast, if you looked out my window. I imagine it had something to do with the layer of grime that had built up on it. Layers, really. If you cut the grime away, you could probably count them and figure out how old the apartment was. It had been a couple of days since I moved in, and I was in a bad mood. I’d had no luck finding a roommate, and I wasn’t looking forward to having to cover all the expenses myself. Like I said before, not exactly rolling in dough here. So you can imagine that I was hopefully optimistic when I heard a knock at the door. “Hold on, I’ll be right there!” I got up from the worn remains of an antique armchair (don’t ask me, it came with the place), tossed aside my copy of Game Informer, and pulled open the door. Turned out the radio was right. The first thing my potential new roommate got to see was a bed-headed college kid staggering back, shielding his face from the sudden onslaught of what must’ve been the brightest mid-morning sun I’d ever had the misfortune of being blinded by. So much for first impressions. When my eyes finally adjusted to the light enough for me to squint out at my visitor, I thought maybe my ears had been playing tricks on me - there was no one there! My expression probably had time to shift about halfway from dazed to confused before I thought to look down. Then I decided that, no, it was apparently my eyes that were playing the tricks. There in front of me, damndest thing, right? There in front of me was this little... horse thing. Looked like something out of a kid’s show. (I found out later that there actually is a kid’s show about them. Go figure.) It had crazy bright green fur, I’m talking neon lime green here, and its mane and tail... I’ve seen horses, okay? My folks took me to a horse ranch when I was little, I even got to ride on one. I’ll tell you, though, not one of them had blue hair. They didn’t have a horn, either, but I was more hung up on the blue hair at this point. That’s not even the weirdest part, though. This horse thing, which I’m already pretty sure can’t possibly exist, is holding in its mouth one of the fliers I’d posted up looking for a roommate. I can’t help but feel, at this point, that something important has been missed. “You’re a horse,” I informed the creature. “You’re a monkey,” she replied around the flier. It was definitely a she, if the voice was anything to go by. “Hold on, I’ll be right back.” I shut the door. A lesser man might have screamed, or tried to run, or just fainted right on the spot. I like to think that I’m not a lesser man. I’m a natural overachiever. I tried to do all three. It came out as a muffled sort of yelp, an adrenaline rush, and a slight stumble away from the door before I came to my senses. That obviously hadn’t just happened. I reopened the door, just to reassure myself. “So, you still looking for a roommate?” the horse thing asked, sounding slightly impatient. It was still there. It was still talking. I looked over the edge of the little balcony in front of my apartment. People were out there walking, biking, or driving by, the same as always, completely oblivious to the fact that there was a talking horse on my doorstep. Well, it couldn’t get any weirder from here. Might as well just roll with it, and hope nobody notices me out here talking to myself. “Uh... yeah. I take it you’re interested?” She let the flier drop out of her mouth, perking up visibly. Literally, her ears lifted right up when her expression changed. “Sure am! I’ve got my share of the rent right here. I hope you don’t mind if I move in right away. It’s kinda a long story, but I need a place like today.” The top flap of a saddlebag on her side opened by itself, and a small brown pouch floated through the air toward me. Okay, I was wrong. It could get weirder. After what might have been thirty seconds of me staring blankly at the pouch, my new roommate obviously felt the need to prompt me to action. “Are... you going to take it, or what?” I took it. It was surprisingly heavy - I hoped for a moment that she wasn’t trying to pay in silver dollars or something. Turns out it was worse. “Are these... gold coins?” “They’re bits.” Was that a horse joke? “You’ve seriously never seen bits before?” “Uh, no, look uh Miss...” I struggled to remember if she’d already told me her name. “Key Lime.” “Miss... Keylime. I don’t think this is going to work out. I’m not sure where you’re from, but I can’t pay the rent with bits. I’m pretty sure they only accept paper or plastic here.” “Oh.” The little horse thing looked up at me with what was very obviously a disappointed expression. Even her ears were drooping, slowly lowering until they hung down beside her head. “I guess I’ll have to keep looking.” “Yeah. I guess so.” “This was the last place I had to try.” “Sorry.” “Well, bye then.” “Bye.” The little creature turned away, head lowered, and began to make her way carefully down the steps to the ground. I couldn’t help noticing an odd mark on her flank, a tattoo or something, of a musical note. I wasn’t really paying much attention to that, though. I was pretty sure I heard sniffling. I shut the door. Good job, Dave, you just made a girl cry. She had just been some crazy hallucination anyway, right? She wasn’t real. Even if she was real, it’s not like she was actually a girl. She was just some kind of talking horse thing. Some kind of talking... sentient... horse... girl. Dammit. “Wait!” I threw open the door and rushed out to the stairs. Key Lime looked back at me. I swear I saw tears in her eyes. A few of the people passing by gave me some odd looks, but I ignored them - I was already pretty well committed to being crazy now anyway. “You... forgot your bits.” I held out the bag, which I had forgotten myself until right then. “Oh. Thanks.” Not even Eeyore could have sounded less enthusiastic right then. “Look... you can stay. We’ll work something out, okay?” She perked back up. I couldn’t help but smile. “My name’s Dave, by the way. Come on, I’ll show you your new place. I’ll warn you, it’s not much to look at.” She trotted back up the stairs, and past me. “That’s okay, neither are you.” I’m David Clarkston, officially the sole renter of Apartment 213. I have a pony for a roommate. This is my life.
Prologue (Key Lime's perspective)I never really believed that stuff about “Apartment 13” being haunted. Yes, I’d heard the stories. Strange noises at night, lights on inside when nopony was supposed to be living there, that sort of nonsense. It was a ramshackle second-story apartment in the most run-down part of Canterlot. Between that and its unfortunate numbering, it was no surprise there were a few silly superstitions around it. Many ponies had tried renting it, of course. It wasn’t the most convenient location, but it was cheap, and available. They never stayed, though. They always left after a few days, saying they really wanted to find somewhere “closer to the school.” I figured they just let the place’s reputation get to them, and got tired of jumping at every shadow. I never really believed in all that superstitious nonsense - until I met my new roommate. I should introduce myself. My name is Key Lime, although most ponies just shorten it to “Lime”, and I’m a student at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. That’s gifted in magic, mind you, not in finances. I’m living on a rather sizable student loan right now, but I remain hopeful that a degree in Applied Runecraft will make paying it off a snap. Of course, my special talent is supposed to be in music... but the odds of making a career out of playing the guitar are somewhere between “Princess Celestia showing up at your door in a bathing suit” and “meeting a talking monkey.” At least we know I have the luck for it. One out of two’s not bad, all things considered. I’ll just have to keep hoping for the other. Anyway, this is my first year in the school. I got the entrance exam scheduled at the last minute, so by the time I got accepted, apartments came in one of two flavors: expensive, and taken. All except for one. You’ve got one guess which one that might be. I’m Key Lime, the latest brave soul to try to live in Apartment 13. This is my life. Cue the theme song. Livin’ it up in Apartment 13. Got a little piece of the Equestrian Dream. Just moved to Canterlot, it was all so confusin’, Until I met up with my friend the human. He’s not just your average college town colt, But underneath it all, he’s got a heart of gold. He’s not my type, but then, in the end, What I really needed right now was a friend. Seriously, who comes up with this garbage? That hardly even rhymes. And you call that a chord progression? More like a bored progression. I could write something better than that in my sleep. Drunk. Anyway. You don’t want to hear about awful theme songs, you want to hear about the talking monkey. It was overcast. It was always overcast in this part of Canterlot. It wasn’t the clouds. I’m sure it was sunny somewhere up there. It was the buildings. This was the part of Canterlot under the part that everypony sees. Tall, beautiful buildings towered above me as I made my way through the streets, their looming presence enough to block out most of the sunlight. The elegant cobblestone roads of the upper city crossed right over the little dirt paths I was following, long bridges holding them primly above the dust and grime below. Canterlot was a city of layers, and I was trotting through the lowest one, my last hope held firmly in my mouth. “Looking for roommate. $250/month. Apply at Apartment 13.” I had carefully gathered 250 bits into a pouch, all ready to hand over. This was the last place on my list, and I really didn’t want to spend my next night on the street. I have some standards, after all. My mood started to lift as the place came into view. It was up on the second story of a series of apartments carved into a short cliff face, a bit above the gloom I was trotting through. A ray of sunlight had even found its way between the two buildings across from it, shining down on the entrance as if Celestia herself were telling me I had finally found my way home. Things were definitely looking up. I climbed the stairs quickly, at more of a canter than a trot, and knocked a hoof against the door. “Hold on, I’ll be right there!” a male voice called from inside. I heard movement, then the door opened, revealing... well, you know. A talking monkey. If I was staring, he didn’t notice, because he was too busy staggering backwards, blinded by the sudden sunlight. Then he sort of stared forward for a second with a confused look on his face before he finally looked down and saw me. I have to admit, I’ve never seen a monkey before. Still, I’m pretty sure most monkeys have more fur than this one did. He had almost no fur except for his mane, although he was wearing clothes to cover up the baldness. His mane was a reddish brown that might have looked distinguished on a stallion, but just looked silly on him. Definitely not what I was expecting, but okay. I can roll with this. I’ve seen weirder... I think. “You’re a horse,” he said helpfully. Great. So we were starting with the basics. “You’re a monkey,” I pointed out, keeping the flier I had picked up between my teeth. “Hold on, I’ll be right back.” He shut the door. At this point, I’d had about enough of this. I was tired, hungry, and down to just the bits I had gathered together for the first month’s rent here. When he reopened the door, I decided to hurry things along a bit. “So, you still looking for a roommate?” The creature looked around, and over the edge of the apartment’s little balcony, as if looking for other ponies before speaking. “Uh... yeah. I take it you’re interested?” I brightened immediately. Now we were getting somewhere! “Sure am! I’ve got my share of the rent right here. I hope you don’t mind if I move in right away. It’s kinda a long story, but I need a place like today.” I picked the pouch of bits up out of my saddlebag and levitated it over to him. I gave him a good thirty seconds of staring blankly at it before I got impatient again. “Are... you going to take it, or what?” He took it, and opened it, but he seemed confused by what he saw. “Are these... gold coins?” “They’re bits. You’ve seriously never seen bits before?” Come on, you’re living in Canterlot, how could you not have seen bits before? “Uh, no, look uh Miss...” “Key Lime,” I provided. “Miss... Keylime. I don’t think this is going to work out. I’m not sure where you’re from, but I can’t pay the rent with bits. I’m pretty sure they only accept paper or plastic here.” “Oh.” I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant by the expression, but it was obvious that this wasn’t going to happen. I tried to keep the disappointment off my face, but I don’t think I succeeded. I’ve always been pretty easy to read. “I guess I’ll have to keep looking.” “Yeah. I guess so.” “This was the last place I had to try.” “Sorry.” “Well, bye then.” “Bye.” I turned away and started down the steps before the waterworks could start in earnest. Damn my wearing my heart on my collar. I heard the door shut behind me, but I was too deep in my own misery to pay attention to it. That was it. That was the last possible place, and somehow, I’d just blown it. From here, it was either sleep on the streets or go back home. I’d be damned if I was going to give up now, after I had already passed the entrance exam, so... the streets it was, then. Maybe I could find a nice soft pile of dirt to curl up on. “Wait!” I heard the creature open his door back up and hurry to the top of the stairs. I tried to wipe off the tears with a hoof, then turned around to see what he wanted. “You... forgot your bits,” he said, holding out the bag. “Oh.” Right. And here I thought he had changed his mind. “Thanks.” “Look... you can stay. We’ll work something out, okay?” I lifted my head, almost not daring to believe my ears. I could stay? I could stay! I had finally found a place! “My name’s Dave, by the way. Come on, I’ll show you your new place. I’ll warn you, it’s not much to look at.” “That’s okay, neither are you.” Well, it was true. I trotted back up the stairs, and past the creature to check out my new home. I’m Key Lime, the latest brave soul to try to live in Apartment 13. I have a human for a roommate. This is my life.
Money TroubleSo what’s it like, living with a talking pony? Actually, she’s not that much different than any other roommate. She plays her music too loud, she leaves fur clogging the shower drain, and she’s always bringing girls home from the bars she goes to. Yes, I said girls. Fillies, I guess would be the right word. Anyway, whatever ideas you have in your head about me and her, you might as well forget them now. What’s a typical day in the life of Apartment 13? Let me show you. I woke up, like I often do, to the sounds of an aging electric guitar, and an off-key voice belting out an old power ballad like she thinks she’s Bret freaking Michaels. “Every rose has its thorn... just like every night has its-” “Key Lime, if you do not stop that right now, I will goddamn muzzle you!” Needless to say, I’m not a morning person. An insufferably cheerful equine face poked into my room. I scrambled to pull my covers over myself. “I made you breakfast!” Argh. It’s only been two weeks at this point, and already she’s figured out how to get away with murder around me. Apparently, women are the same no matter where you’re from. “Fine. I’ll be right out.” She disappeared back behind the door, and I threw on my clothes from last night. It was a Saturday, so I could afford to be a little sloppy. The sound of steel strings and a cheesy thirty dollar mini amp had already resumed by the time I left my room. I still don’t know how she convinced me to buy those for her. “And now I hear you found somepony new... and that I never meant that much to you...” I winced a little as she butchered the line with one of her odd, ah, let’s call them Equestrianisms. I let her finish the song before I poked my head into her room on the way by. “It’s not that awful bacon you made out of beans and buckwheat again, is it?” “It tastes exactly the same!” “It tastes like plants.” “You’re imagining things.” If there’s one difference we’ll probably never be able to reconcile, it’s our diets. She won’t eat meat, which I guess is pretty normal for a horse. Me, give me beef, chicken, pork, fish... yeah, I’m a meat lover. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s the natural cycle of life, right? Still, I gotta admit, she’s not a bad cook. And it’s not fake-bacon this morning, it’s pancakes. She makes damn good pancakes. She must want something. “Sooo, Davey?” Called it. She never calls me that unless she wants something. I figured I might as well enjoy the pancakes while I waited for her to spit it out. “Yeah?” “Can we get a computer?” Oh boy, techno-lust strikes again. I admit I’m behind the times - more out of lack of money than lack of interest - but from what I’ve been able to gather, most of the stuff in the place she comes from is somewhere around the 1960s. Modern technology fascinates her. “It’s just, I’ve seen commercials for them on the television, and you can do all kinds of neat things on them... you can look up words, and play card games, and talk to other people with computers, and the ones with the apples on them can even help you make music!” She was actually bouncing up and down on her hooves a little at this point. “Yes, Lime, I’m aware of what a computer does. But there’s no way I can afford something like that right now, I’m barely keeping up with the rent, which I should remind you I’m still handling alone.” Her face fell, and she trotted back into her room without a word, head down. The pancakes tasted like guilt, but I finished them anyway. The rest of the morning was quiet. I spent it in my room, working my way through The Law of Nines. Good book, if you haven’t read it. It seemed particularly appropriate, too, given the situation. Dealing in parallel universes and all that. I found myself wondering how Alex would have reacted if he’d met a talking pony, instead of a human from another dimension. Anyway, it was just getting on toward noon when it started to register that it was too quiet. And, because there’s obviously some kind of universal rule, that was the exact moment that there was an excited knocking at my door. “What now, Lime?” “Can I come in?” She sounded far too excited. What had she done? “...alright?” She immediately burst inside, grinning like a fool, and a stack of dollar bills was shoved in my face. “Gah!” I scrambled back from the floating wad of cash, bumping against the wall. “Don’t do that!” I can’t help it, her magic freaks me out. I don’t know about you, but where I come from, things don’t fly around just because you have a horn and ask them nicely. “Sorry!” Her grin faltered for a moment, but then returned in force. She deposited the bills in front of me. “I did it! I made you money!” “That’s... great?” I eyed the money suspiciously. Something was off. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I didn’t even know why yet... wait... yes I did. “Hold on. Made money, or made money?” Her widening grin told me all I needed to know. “Lime! You can’t just create money like that...” “Yes I can! It was easy actually, see, there’s this spell that unicorns use to copy books, and I realized, your money is made of paper, so all I had to do was-” “No, I mean, it’s counterfeiting. It’s illegal. I could go to prison if I tried to spend these... wow, these are actually... pretty realistic.” I could see her perk up, and shook my head firmly. “No. Even if I could get away with it, that doesn’t make it right. Take these back and get rid of them.” I flinched as the bills glowed slightly and pulled themselves out of my hand. “And stop doing that.” She trotted out of my room, head down, without another word. “Dave! Can I sell these books you’re done reading?” “Books? No, Lime, those are from the library.” “Oh.” “Dave! Do you have a car you’re not using?” “Uh... no?” “Oh. Never mind.” “Hey Dave! Can you go out to the hardware store and get me twenty feet of garden hose?” “No, and whatever you’re doing, stop it.” “Dave! Dave! I just saw on the television that I can make thousands of dollars without leaving home!” Sigh. “No.” “Hey Dave, how do you feel about starting a petting zoo?” “A... petting zoo?” “I could be the star! The other humans would love it!” “What? No. Just... no.” This had been going on all day, and it was starting to get disturbing. “Look, Lime, I know that you really want that computer, but sometimes you just have to accept that you can’t have everything you want. I’m not going to have any part of you selling yourself like an animal just to get a shiny new toy, okay? That’s just... that’s just crazy. ...what?” Her excited expression had disappeared, and she was looking at me with those big, soulful blue eyes of hers. I was pretty sure I saw a tear. Yep, those were definitely tears. “B-but Dave... I wouldn’t be doing it to get a computer. I wanted to make money so I could help you with the rent.” Oh. Well. Foot, meet mouth. “Aw jeez, Lime. C’mere.” She shuffled closer, and I put an arm over her neck. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed. You don’t have to help with the rent, okay? It’ll be fine.” She sniffled a little, then looked up at me again. “What... what about gold? Is that worth anything to humans?” “Gold? Well, actually...” That was right. The money she had originally tried to pay me with had looked like gold coins. Was that seriously real gold? I won’t bore you with the details, but long story short, we discovered that the gold content in her coins was enough to cover her half of the rent with a little left to spare. Money got a bit less tight after that, and our pantry got slightly more variety than baked beans and Bisquick. All in all, life’s not so bad now. I guess it just goes to show, sometimes what you’re looking for has been right under your nose all along. And after a bit of saving our pennies, she even got her computer.
