Lesson One: The Wicked Parody
Lesson One: The Wicked Parody
Entry One Zero
Captain Rainbow Dash
Rarity won’t come – I don’t think. She’s too stubborn. That girl knows nothing of the world outside, and doesn’t want to.
She wouldn’t let me take a meeting with her so I had to go through her sister. Now that she’s got a little governor title and an office in the town hall she’s too busy for me.
When I finally got in to see her, I showed her the book and told her about the diamond dog captains keeping journals of their travel and stuff. I showed her all the records of stuff they gathered and tried to explain how we could get it back.
‘Piracy!” she said. ‘Pirates raid, steal, blah blah blah. I’m a prissy pony that sits in her office all day and does paperwork! I have no time for fun!”
That might not have been word for word, but she wasn’t giving me a chance to explain. I just wanted to check out one single location, but she wouldn’t have it.
I never once used the word piracy, but she was jumping on every little thing I said, so I thought it would be fitting if I threw the book at her.
‘Commerce raiders!’ I corrected, then, you know, threw the book at her.
Now, I’ll admit I’m hot-headed.
Did I get a little worked up? Doesn’t everypony?
Did I really need to be escorted from the premises?
Hey, I already said I was hot-headed.
After being removed from the building, I read through to the end of the log and found a few dozen empty pages. Kinda sad that the captain lost his journal before he finished it; he’s still kickin’ out there, you know? Even if our races hate each other, it’s hard not to feel a little sympathetic.
Well, either way, it got me thinking, if another captain kept a log, why not me?
I mean, I guessI’m not a captain yet, but I will be soon. I don’t even have a ship yet, do I?
Technically this should be entry zero, then. Well, I’m not rewriting this. Good old quill and ink, one little line is all it takes.
All the personal entries were signed by ‘Pure Heart’, and they were all little bits of stuff he learned just jotted down at the end of his summaries.
If I had to say I learned one thing it would be... uh...
Whatever, I’ll think of something later.
I gotta get at least somepony to come with me. All I know is I can’t do this alone. Twilight will be easy to convince, she’s always up for doing the right thing. Or maybe she can help me with Rarity. She’s not a lost cause yet.
At least I hope so, otherwise this might be my last entry.
I asked her to hang out. She said to meet her by the shore at dusk.
Wait, it’s already dark out!
The docks were beat up. They weren’t old, but they certainly looked it. Wood darkened by dampness was splintered and cracked, the water within caused the boards to swell and bulge in certain spots. It wasn’t that they were hard to fix, or expensive for that matter, they just weren’t worth the resources to maintain.
The ruins of an old lighthouse lay on their side, sticking halfway up out of the water. The white stone had faded to grey and a thin layer of something that probably wasn’t moss crawled along it
The new lighthouse was more of a beacon. The idea was that if it was small enough, it could be moved before erosion would be able to take it. Four wooden legs crossed at their midpoints, cradling a large, white gem. They dug into the dirt about fifteen yards from the water’s edge. The sky was dark enough to see the stars, but not so dark that it needed lighting. Either way, the magic crystal at the center promised a spectacle.
Rainbow Dash rubbed her forehoof above her eye as she shifted her focus from the surroundings to her conversation. “I just can’t see how to get through to her. She’s so stubborn!”
“Not sure how I can help here,” said Twilight. Biting her lip, she examined the notes that were levitating in front of her.
“Talk to her for me!”
“What makes you think anything I’d say would convince her?” Twilight telekinetically slid all the pages into a stack filed them into her bag. She still wasn’t making eye contact.
Rainbow Dash looked up. “Um, I dunno, you got a horn?” She smiled optimistically.
“Spike, this is no time for fooling around.” Twilight shook her head as she watched him.
Rainbow poked her head around Twilight to see.
Spike lay on his belly, halfway off the end of the docks. As he turned his head to look over his shoulder, a fish leapt from his claws and splashed into the dark water. “What’d I do?”
Twilight shot Spike a look. “You’re lucky you don’t get slivers laying on those boards.” She turned to face Rainbow Dash. “What’s so important about Rarity anyway?”
“What do you mean?” Dash pulled her eyes back to Twilight.
“Can you set up for me, Spike?” Twilight fanned the notes out in the air once again, then re-stacked them and returned them to the bag.
Spike pushed himself up and dusted off his hands. “On it, Twilight.”
“I’m just wondering why Rarity is your number one pick to go on a pirate adventure,” Twilight said, tapping her hoof on the wood.
“It’s not like we don’t have anything in common.” Dash scracthed her mane. “And it’s hardly pirating.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow and gave a half smile.
“Alright, fine it’s pirating,” Dash said, rolling her eyes.
Twilight tilted her head.
Dash sighed, blowing her bangs out of the way. “Everyone else said no.”
“I’ll go!” Spike dropped a telescope and a stack of books.
“Careful, Spike!” Twilight managed to catch the telescope with her magic, but the books fell in a heap. The pages blew about in the light breeze, tugging on their bindings in the spines of the books.
“Sorry,” he said to Twilight, then turned to Dash. “What do I get to do? Cook? First mate? Oh, please don’t make me clean!”
“Spike!” She continued to scold him while she precisely manipulated her instruments into place, setting the telescope on its stand. Some knobs turned, latching it in place.
“What? I don’t wanna clean anymore,” he said, crossing his arms.
“Not that! You‘d leave me without even asking?” She frowned.
“Twilight. Pirates!”
She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Just set up the stuff.”
“What about the pirates?” he asked, throwing his hands out to the sides. “Can I go? Can I?”
“Can we talk about this later? There’s a lot to do right now,” she said. “Maybe if you’re good.”
“Really? Alright!” He raised his arms, then pulled down his fists.
Rainbow Dash pushed the two apart. “Hold on, what?”
She wasn’t sure if Spike was the addition she was looking for. Heck, she didn’t even have a ship yet, and she was already enlisting baby dragons?
Spike’s excitement dropped, he scratched his chin. “Wait a second... Where are we going? Oh! Could I be the lookout?”
“But you’re not even–” Rainbow Dash rubbed her forehead and closed her eyes. “Sure, whatever you want.”
“Sweet!” He scratched his chin. “Um, hey that sounds pretty cool but uh... What’s a lookout do?”
“Wha– r–really?” She gave Twilight a look, but she was too wrapped up in whatever it was she came here to observe.
“Yeah, what is it, anyway?” He was still staring at her with a little twinkle in his eye.
She was still a little stunned, but she gave the best description she could offer. “Uh, you like, get to lay back and watch the horizon; check to see if anything comes up, or whatever, then you just let us know.”
“Alright, that sounds like something I can do.” He pictured himself shooting the breeze, overlooking the ocean, rocking dark black aviators. “Nice...”
Rainbow waved her arm in front of his face. No response.
Dash blinked and rolled her eyes, shaking her head. “Anyways...” She walked over to Twilight, enthralled in note taking.
“So, you want me to come too?” She made eye contact with dash, pulling away from her telescope lens.
“Uh, yeah, how else would we navigate without the smartest pony in Equestria?”
“Navigator? I don’t know... I haven’t read too much about that kind of stuff.” The flattery was lost on her.
“Hey, you’re stargazing right now aren’t you? What’s the difference between here and on a ship?”
It wasn’t that simple. “What do you know about navigating?” She looked her up and down.
“I got this book...” Rainbow Dash pulled a roughly bound, leather book from her side bag. She looked behind her, then passed it to Twilight.
“Uh... What kind of book?” Twilight stared quizzically at the beaten cover and frayed binding. “A guide to sea navigation?” Not like she’d ever heard of such a thing. She put a hoof to her chin. Perhaps she could write one...
“Come on Twilight.” She rolled her eyes and she shoved the thing in her face. “Look closer!”
“Alright, alright!” She pushed it away, then held it at a readable distance in her magic. “Is this?” She reached out to touch it, eyes fixed. “Is it? No way. How in Equestria did you get your hooves on one of these?”
“Long story,” said Dash. She brushed back her mane.
“What is it?” Spike climbed onto Twilight’s back and peeked over her left shoulder.
“Whose is it?” Twilight tried to keep her voice down.
Spike didn’t bother. “Whose is what?” He straddled her horn for a better view, gripping it tightly with his claws.
Dash let her hold it. “Ever heard of Pure Heart?” A grin spread across her face. Now she’d gotten her interest.
“We’re talking about a book, Spike.” She magically removed his claws from her horn. “The Wrunner? As in the Pure Heart?”
“What kinda book?” He waved his arms to keep balance on Twilight’s head without holding her. “I wanna see it too.”
“Um, what exactly have you heard about ‘em?” said Dash.
“Enough to know they shouldn’t be stepping foot on this island,” Twilight said. Her jaw hung open a bit. “How did you get it?”
“Like I said, long story.” She took the book back.
“Hey! I wanted to see it!” Spike nearly slid off.
“Try me,” Twilight said. She lifted spike off and gently set him down on the planks. “Not now, just find something to do for a minute.”
“Alright, where do I even start.” Rainbow Dash pulled up one of the flimsy, reclining beach chairs and stretched out, groaning as she cracked her joints. “Well, about a month ago, I was on cloud duty, but there was this one perfect little fluffy guy up there. I just couldn’t help myself.”
“Nothing new there.”
Dash tilted her head and raised an eyebrow.
“Sorry, go on.”
“So, while I was takin’ a break, I guess I drifted a few miles.”
“You mean a nap, right?”
“Of course I mean a nap,” Dash said, shrugging.
“Miles, huh? Was it that windy?” Twilight asked.
“The cloud was really fluffy,” said Dash. “Anyways, I woke up to a bunch of Diamond Dogs arguing about who knows what and–”
“Here? In Ponyville?”
“Yep,” said Dash. “I’m sitting there thinkin’: what would they want over here? How did they even get here?”
“That is strange. The waters are so unforgiving around the coast. As far as I know we’ve been untouched by raids.” Twilight got up and turned around. She looked deeply into the sea, dipping the tip of her hoof only to immediately withdraw.
“I know, right? I mean, I thought they’d be dangerous, but they just left. The only thing I heard ‘em say was something about their king.”
“They left?” Twilight made a face and shook the water off her hoof.
“Well, yeah. But not they way you’d think.”
“They didn’t have a ship?” She looked closely at her hoof, then set it down.
“Nope, no ship. I have no clue how they got here either, but they warped out.”
“Warped? You mean teleported?” Twilight squinted and slowly turned her head to the side. “Is that even possible?”
“Sorta like that; I guess you could say it’s close. I don’t know how it works, but I do know it’s not exactly the same.” Dash sat up on her chair, she put her hoof on her temple.
“Different how?” Twilight turned around and walked up to Dash.
“I’m getting there, Twilight!” Rainbow Dash put her arms on Twilight’s shoulders and shook her. “Sheesh, it’s like you’ve never been told a story.”
“Sorry, sorry.” Twilight pushed Dash away. “Go ahead.”
“You sure?” Dash opened her eyes wide and shoved her a little.
Twilight nodded and rolled her eyes, stumbling to balance.
Rainbow laughed, then shook her head. “It changes the air, it makes it smell, but the weirdest thing is the pull. I almost fell off my cloud.” She scratched her nose. “You know, I guess that wasn’t that long of a story. Oh, and they dropped the book on their way out.”
“No, it really wasn’t.” She moved back to the telescope.
Dash got up and stretched, arching her back. “Well, whatever,” she said. “So, did I pique your interest?”
“Huh?”
“You wanna come with?” Dash gave an optimistic smile.
“Oh, uh...” She kept looking out into the sky. “Give me some time to think about it. I’ve been seeing some unsettling things in the sky and I really should start paying attention tonight.”
“What about Rarity?” Rainbow Dash stepped closer.
Her head popped up from behind the telescope lens. “Oh right! I bet if we got permission from Celestia–”
“Tch!”
“What?”
“Twilight, she’s not you,” said Dash.
“You said you wanted my help.” She shrugged, about to return to her work. “That’s the best I can offer.”
“Yeah, thanks for that.” Dash rolled her eyes.
Twilight bit her lip in thought. “Maybe if she knew I was going?”
“So you’re coming?” She was positively beaming.
“I’ll think about it,” said Twilight.
Suddenly, from the darkened heavens, a white blaze cut a streak through the night’s veil. “Hrm.” Rainbow Dash chewed her cheek. “I think I just made you miss something.”
“Darn it!” she said, turning to catch a glimpse of the tail. Her eyes widened “Magic. Kindergarten.”
“Don’t worry,” Spike finished scribbling and proudly presented Twilight with the scroll. “I got the coordinates.”
“Excellent!” Twilight gave him a one armed hug. “Send them to Celestia, you really saved me there.”
“No problem, Twilight,” he said. “Can I go play by the water now?” Spike gave a hopeful grin.
“Send it first.” Twilight rolled up the paper and levitated it in front of Spike.
“What coordinates?” Dash recoiled from the heat of his green flame.
“Celestia told me she was expecting some astrological disturbance in the near future, so I’ve been watching for anything strange. I’ve caught three comets so far, but I must be vigilant!” Twilight raised her hoof in the air, striking a triumphant pose.
“Ah, perfect, thats what your trophy’s gonna look like.”
Twilight was in the middle of her third eye-roll of the night when she was interrupted by an incoming message from her mentor. She promptly caught it with her magic. “Thank you Spike, you can go fish now if you want.”
She removed the seal, unfurled the scroll, and read:
*My faithful student,
These past few weeks, I had began to regret addressing you about the disturbance in the stars. While I love sharing my knowledge with you, I believe you often take these things too far. On the other hoof, it is such a pleasure to be graced with the confirmation of my sister’s own findings on this matter. Due to your intrigue, I request of you: investigate this cosmic entity as your first assignment as princess. The details provided in your report match perfectly with those of dear Luna’s; you have all the information you need to begin your journey, as well as my official seal of approval to requisition any provisions necessary for travel. Be wary, Twilight Sparkle, this may not be the journey you expect.
Princess Celestia*
Taking in the letter for a moment, she took a deep breath and turned to Rainbow Dash. “I’m in, and I think I’ve got you a ship.”
Dash bit her lip, but a grin still managed to sneak through.
“What kind of ship have they got, sister?”
An unfamiliar voice came out of nowhere from behind Rainbow Dash. Twilight’s eyes widened, like she’d seen a ghost.
“I would expect a knight.”
A second voice.
“Why?” said the first.
“Um, hey there.” Rainbow Dash stepped back into her chair and knocked it over. She eyed the two newcomers. “Who are you?”
Something splashed below.
“Any ship class should be available on word of Celestia. A knight would prove most effective if they were after that star.” A light grey unicorn was standing six feet away from her at the boatless end of a dock. Her hat’s wide brim still fluttered in the breeze of her own arrival.
“Why are you wearing a cape?” Dash asked her. “Twilight, why is she wearing a cape?”
“I–” Twilight shook her head. “I don’t like this. Where– Spike?” She looked where he had been laying, but he wasn’t there. Her ears rang. Everything was spinning. He wouldn’t just wander off. She was losing her balance. She spread her feet wide and started breathing heavily.
The pegasus standing next to the unicorn was larger in stature, but looked just as slim. Her jet black coat would have been perfect to blend into the night sky until she blinked her pretty, green eyes. In fact, without the big, blue bow tying back her sleek mane into a ponytail she might not have even been noticeable.
“Why would they want to collect stars?” The pegasus patted her bow.
“I haven’t the slightest, Telli,” said the unicorn.
She held a deadpan expression, while the pegasus looked utterly lost. They both faced directly towards Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash, just watching. The pegasus’ flank was exposed enough to make out a white circle.
“Hey, can you guys hear me?” Rainbow Dash waved a hoof.
“Why is Twilight Sparkle panicked, sister?” Telli tilted her head to the left.
“I don’t believe baby dragons float.” The unicorn didn’t look at all concerned.
“Did we scare it, Soul?”
“Wait, Spike?” Rainbow Dash put two and two together. “Float?”
“Spike!” Twilight snapped back to reality, she planted herself firmly. her magic flared.
The magical force lifted Soul’s cape and blew it back, its clasp tugged at her neck.
Telli grabbed her bow and tucked her wings. She shut one eye, turning face away.
The water beneath the docks rippled as if wind was passing over it, then it started to part. Twilight felt the pressure building as more water cleared in greater area and at greater depth. Her knees began to buckle, but Spike was finally visible. “Rainbow Dash, please!”
“Can you hold it?” That was a lot of water.
“Yes! Just go!”
Down she went.
The sand was soaked through with toxins, and the tepid water only made the stench worse.
If they couldn’t float or swim, Dash hoped baby dragons were at least more resilient to the chemicals than the average foal.
Dash emerged with her prize and Twilight let the sea crash in behind her.
“The element of magic certainly isn’t lacking in power,” said Soul.
“Does her stamina meet expectations?”
“Hey! You two! Do something! Go get help!” Dash laid Spike on his side. Steaming water leaked from his mouth and nostrils, dripping over his fangs. “The hospital, a doctor, something!”
“It was but a few seconds, sister, no test of endurance.”
“Was this our fault, Soul?” Telli looked to her sister for an answer.
“Everything is our fault.” Soul’s cape whipped with her hair.
“Why do you do that?” Telli squinted at Soul.
She continued to stare straight ahead. “I enjoy the breeze.”
Twilight galloped over to her friends. “On his back, quick.” She was panting.
Spike hacked and coughed as Twilight pressed with all her might on his chest. He inhaled as deep as his lungs would let him, then hacked and coughed some more.
“Holy crap, Spike, you okay?” Rainbow Dash thought Twilight would kill him like that.
“I fell in the water,” he said, still trying his hardest to breath.
“Yep, that sounds about right,” said Dash, nodding. “Any idea how?”
He held one nostril with a claw and blew out the other, then switched.
All four ponies shielded their eyes.
“Kid’s out of it,” Dash laughed.
“If I’m gonna be a pirate, I’m gonna need swimming lessons,” said Spike. He clutched his body. “My ribs hurt.”
“Sorry about that,” said Twilight, wrapping her arms around him.
“Is anybody gonna mention these two?” said Rainbow Dash as she jabbed her hoof in Soul’s direction.
“Who is she talking about?” Telli looked at Dash, tilting her head sideways. Her mane fell vertical out from under her
“You! What are you, superheroes? With your stupid cape and your stupid hair ribbon? You just stood around and watched the little guy almost drown!”
“The element of loyalty is more worried about her friend than us, it would appear.” Soul dusted her hoof against the docks.
“Who are you?” Twilight finally acknowledged the presence of the mysterious pair. Her voice quivered with fear, her eyes moistened.
“Who... Are we?”
“I’ve never seen you around Ponyville, I know you can’t fly here over the ocean.” Twilight nodded at them, holding Spike in her arms. “Who are you?”
“A rather introspective question,” said Soul. “I’m not sure I can answer that, sister.”
“I asked you a question.” Twilight looked Soul in the eyes. One was brown, the other didn’t exactly look blind, it was a simply solid white, perhaps a fake.
“Who is she talking to, sister?”
“She can find out herself.”
Rainbow Dash held her ground, baring her teeth at the strangers. “I don’t like this, Twilight.”
“Will she?” Telli covered her eyes.
“Yes,” said Twilight. She lay spike gently on his side once more, then rose to all fours. She unfolded her wings, although she wasn’t sure why, and began to walk towards them.
“No.” Soul’s voice was a whisper on the wind.
Twilight’s blinked, nopony stood before her. She tried to rub her eyes, still nothing.
A two board wide hole was punched in the docks. The planks they’d been standing on were split, they bobbed in the water below
“I almost drowned,” said Spike. He spat up more..
“Did any of that actually just happen?” Dash’s ears drooped, she shrunk down and hunched her shoulders.
Twilight shivered and pulled her wings in as a gust of wind ruffled her feathers. “I have no idea.”