Murderlight
“Pinkie, you can look away now.”
I had done it. I had finally done it. After spending Celestia knows how long staring at paint on a wall, I stood as the last remaining Pinkie Pie. I was so happy to be with my friends again, and I even learned a valuable lesson. Everything went back to normal, the horrible mess that I’d started now cleared up and forgotten. At least, it was.
The next day I started my usual work-shift, making up a fresh new batch of muffins. I was just mixing up some ingredients when I thought about how much of an experience it had been to have my own little band of clones running about Ponyville. If I had just limited it to one, I could have had my very own twin sister! You see, sometimes I really miss my family. I know that I should make more of an effort to visit them but I don’t always have the chance. If I had a twin, we could both do all the things that we loved. I could share all my secrets, and we’d help each other out with things that we couldn’t tell anypony else. Sure, my friends might find it weird to have two Pinkies at first, but they could learn to accept her. I don’t think it would be beyond magic to change her appearance a little, maybe just giving her a different coloured mane so they could tell us apart.
I was just taking some freshly-baked bread rolls from the oven — lost in my own little fantasy — when a thought suddenly hit me. I already had twin sisters. There had been too many to count just a day ago, and all I needed was one. I realised that it was probably for the best that I didn’t make the same mistake again, but I couldn’t help but wonder what things would be like if just one other Pinkie had been left.
And that’s when another thought struck me. What would things have been like if I’d lost my concentration during Twilight’s test? “What would life be like?” I said aloud, trying to imagine being stuck in the mirror pond. I guess I wouldn’t know unless I was actually sent there, and if I had, there wouldn’t be a way of getting back. This idea rolled around in my head a few times until I felt a sharp prickling run down my spine.
It meant that the fun-loving Pinkie clones also had no way of getting back. Or did they? If I cloned myself again, wouldn’t it just free one of the clones that were already trapped? But if that was the case, how could I have created so many clones? Each time a Pinkie Pie leapt into the mirror pond, new life was made. No copies of myself existed before setting hoof in the cave, so that could only mean… No. It couldn’t be true.
I tried to shrug it off, instead focusing on serving customers and doing my job as per usual. I was doing fine for a while, right up until a young mare made a fleeting comment. “Back to just one of you, I see,” she said cheerfully, paying for her cinnamon swirl and leaving Sugarcube Corner with a smile on her face. I smiled back and waved, but the moment her back was turned I clutched my chest hard, relaying what she’d said over and over.
Yes, there was only one of me now. Just one Pinkie. Before, there had been around fifty. Was it more? Was it less? Nopony had kept count… So, that meant at least forty ponies had vanished from the face of the earth. They were gone. Utterly and completely gone.
I began to feel a horrible sinking in my stomach. I made some remark to Mr Cake about needing a quick toilet break, and headed to the bathroom. Memories of the previous day flashed before me — the faces of the happy, carefree pink ponies bouncing around Ponyville, all followed by that test. I sat still and silent as my brethren were zapped away by Twilight. I paid no heed to the fact that they would not be coming back into this world. I had given them life, all so that they could have it taken away.
Without warning, I felt a burning sensation in my abdomen. Rushing to the toilet bowl, I vomited violently, gasping for air as I retched over and over and over again. Tears rolling down my cheeks, I threw up again. My light-headedness got the better of me and I almost fainted, the room blinking out of existence for just a moment. I had been reduced to nothing but a quivering, dribbling wreck, retching continuously, nothing left.
After a few minutes I got up from the floor and cleaned myself off, practicing a smile in the mirror. I noticed that my mane wasn’t straight, usually a sure-fire way of seeing if I was feeling sad. And yet, it made sense. I was horrified, disgusted and grief-stricken, but I wasn’t sad. There were no ponies making fun of me, and I knew that my friends still loved me. Twilight still loved me, and yet…
The rest of the day was difficult. I was able to keep up the façade of happy little Pinkie Pie fairly well, and nopony suspected a thing. I just had to get my head straight. I was probably overthinking things; there was no need to freak out over this. The other Pinkies may have looked like ponies, but what if they weren’t? What if it was just some kind of magic? I just had to keep reminding myself that, and I did. I just kept telling myself it over and over, but eventually, I was sick of simply telling myself. I needed some kind of proof.
A few days later I went back to the mirror pond. I wasn’t about to clone myself again; that would have been foolish. But I needed to do something. I needed something to alleviate my worries or it’d drive me crazy. Crazy, I thought. I’ve been there too many times. I’m not going there again.
Upon entering the cave I took a good look into the surface of the water. All I could see was my own reflection and the steady ripples from the dripping stalactites above. I tried all manner of funny faces and poses to see if the Pinkie in the water did anything different, anything that could allude to there being another me beneath the surface. It didn’t work.
I was scared, but undeterred. Consciousness was a fickle thing, I thought. Who was to say that any clones simply gave the illusion of a living thing? That’s what I was here to test. I’d brought along a friend — a tiny lizard that I’d found wandering aimlessly in the park. Or was it wandering aimlessly? Was it perhaps looking for food? For its family? I hadn’t considered that at the time. In hindsight, I probably should have.
I slowly lowered him into the pond, keeping a good footing to make sure that I wouldn’t fall in myself. He seemed a little nervous, and almost looked as if he was about to scurry off, but I held my other fore-hoof over his back and forced his body underwater. It… didn’t feel right to do that, but I had to.
After a few seconds, I brought my hooves up from the water, two identical lizards now perched across my left foreleg. It had worked! The pair of reptiles gave each other a confused look, but seemed fairly content with their new companion. Or at least, one of them had a new companion. I just wasn’t sure which.
I brought the two of them home and put them in a metal cage that I’d bought the day before. I already had two sets of food and water bowls, as well as some flowers and pretend buildings that I’d made out of rock candy. They seemed fairly happy with their new home, but it was then that I realised I needed a way to tell them apart. Naturally, I painted a long white stripe across the back of one of them. From here, everything was in place.
In the following week, I’d almost forgotten about my reasons for cloning a lizard. Greeny and Stripy were my pets, my friends. They weren’t particularly playful, but taking care of them was easy, and I quickly learned that they both liked carrot cake very much, so I made sure to give them as much as they wanted! This, however, was my downfall.
It turns out that lizards need high protein diets, and that means being fed insects. I already sort of knew about this, but I wasn’t comfortable with killing animals just to feed them. The problem was, their diet was making them ill. Greeny was the first to show symptoms. It wasn’t too noticeable, but he’d begun to move more sluggishly, and didn’t appear to eat as much. I didn’t think too much of it, but then Stripy started acting in the same way. I was really scared, and I should have gone straight to Fluttershy for help but… I didn’t. I’m not sure what excuse would even be acceptable or which one would even be true, but I think something inside of me wanted this to happen. I started to think about all the other Pinkie Pies, whether or not they were just figments of magical energy or something, and I wanted to know if that theory was right. I didn’t expect the lizards to die but I thought…
I don’t know what I thought. In the end, I willingly allowed Greeny and Stripy to die because I wasn’t caring for them like real pets. If Gummy had gotten ill I’d have dropped everything and run to the vets or gone racing around to Fluttershy’s house without a second thought. I’d have made sure that everything was OK because I love him. But Greeny and Stripy… I’d been keeping them as some kind of twisted experiment, and by the time I realised just how cruel and heartless I was acting, it was too late. It’s something that I still can’t forgive myself for.
I’d come up to my room one evening to find Greeny and Stripy covered in blood. The two lizards had been fighting, and from the looks of it, Stripy had lost his left eye. They looked downhearted, angry, starving and sick all at once. Their food and water bowls were still full to the brim. I didn’t know what to do. How could I punish them? How could I make everything better? I spent about an hour just staring at them with tears in my eyes. Finally, I did the best thing that I could think of doing. I brought the two of them out, placed them on my bed and curled up next to them. I think they knew that I was sorry, but… I don’t think they cared. How could they possibly forgive me?
Stripy was the first to go. His joints went limp and his eyes closed over. Greeny… didn’t even react. For a moment, I looked deep into his eyes and couldn’t make out even an ounce of emotion, as if he was accepting what was coming. And I… I just sat there and watched him die. Smiling was hard from then on, but it would only get harder.
I didn’t tell any of my friends about my little pets. I told Mr and Mrs Cake that I’d set them free, and I think they believed me. I don’t think they could possibly believe the truth. Late at night, I took their bodies to a spot just opposite the Ponyville Park. I dug out a little trench into the ground with my hooves and buried them. I didn’t have any words to say. As I pushed the soil into place, I could only think of the other Pinkie Pies. I had proved it now. There was no way that what I’d witnessed that night was the wearing off of clone magic. They were alive, and they had their lives taken away from them. Just like the other Pinkies…
I vomited into the bushes. All of my fears and anxieties had come back with a vengeance, but there was something else this time. Aside from the weight in my stomach and aside from the grief of lost ponies. Now, stronger than every other emotion, I was afraid. I thought of Twilight Sparkle — one of my closest friends— and felt nothing but absolute terror.
That night I had the first in a string of terrible nightmares. I was back in the town hall, watching paint dry with all the other Pinkie Pies. Twilight began zapping them as she’d done before, but instead of disappearing into a plume of aura they fell to the floor, their faces twisted and contorted into expressions of pure agony. All of my other friends simply stood there, smiling. I tried shouting for Twilight to stop, but she wouldn’t. She kept on zapping, grinning playfully like some kind of psychopath.
“Pinkie, you can look away now.”
As Twilight said this, I was left alone amongst a sea of dead Pinkies, their lifeless eyes staring blankly up at me. Some of them were covered in blood, their heads cracked open like raw eggs. My friends came to congratulate me, stepping casually over the corpses. Applejack gave me a friendly pat on the back. Fluttershy was beaming from ear to ear, her hooves splashing and squelching over the lifeless bodies.
“You passed the test,” Twilight said cheerfully. She had such a sweet smile, but in that dream, at that moment, it was the most horrifying thing I’d ever seen.
Normally when ponies talk about scary dreams it’s about some kind of monster coming after them, trying to gobble them up. Sometimes they might get killed in their nightmares and wake up. I could deal with that... I’d learned to giggle at the ghosties for Celestia’s sake. But here, there was nothing to giggle at. This dream had already happened in real life, but the only difference was that we never saw the dead bodies of those other Pinkies. All we saw were some plumes of smoke going out the window, so it made it seem like everything was OK. But what’s the difference between somepony getting zapped out of existence and somepony getting mauled to death by a timber-wolf? Nothing. They’re still dead, no matter which way you slice it.
I woke up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. I then began to feel an all too familiar feeling. I lunged for a small waste bin in the corner of my room and vomited into it. It was something that I’d get used to, eventually.
The following few days were awful. No matter where I went, I couldn’t stop thinking about the massacre. That’s what it was – a massacre. I was able to keep my spirits up enough to smile for everypony, but if ever I said that I was happy or was having ‘superiffic fun!’ I was lying. I could act the part, though. I had to. I couldn’t let anypony know how I truly felt, especially not my dear friends. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Spike and… Well, the list ended there.
I tried avoiding friendly get-togethers as much as I could, using whatever bad excuse I could come up with. I just wanted to get my head straight, and I couldn’t do that if I had to share Twilight’s company. Thankfully, she mostly keeps herself to her books, so I was safe to a degree. I still didn’t venture out much, and stayed at Sugarcube Corner if I could help it. Seeing my own reflection brought back memories of the mirror pond, and I didn’t want that. At least if I stayed in the bakery, I knew exactly where the mirrors and reflective glass was and could avoid it most of the time.
I… had begun to lose a lot of weight, perhaps ten to twelve pounds in the space of a week. Maybe I looked thinner, but seeing as how I didn’t want to look at myself, I wouldn’t have noticed. I learned quickly with regards to hiding my sickness, though I did receive a few stark stares from Mr and Mrs Cake. Maybe they knew that something was wrong with me, but since I was making such an effort to pretend that everything was fine, they must’ve chalked it up to just me being Pinkie Pie. It was a common assumption for other ponies to make.
After being plagued by nightmares and feeling my sanity slip, I knew that I couldn’t take any more. Something had to be done. I needed a way of getting over this, and the first step was to move past my immense fear of Twilight. Whenever I tried to think of her in a positive light, all that came to mind was the word ‘murderer’. If I couldn’t stop thinking about her in that way then I had no hope at all. It would be impossible to keep avoiding her forever, and my friends would surely get suspicious over time. I needed to find a way…
I had a plan to visit Twilight. Alone. I was terrified, but it seemed like the best option. I had to make sure of something — whether my original theory was correct. Twilight had cast spells on those other Pinkies so only she knew exactly what the spell did. Greeny and Stripy… (Celestia rest their souls) They proved that clones were genuinely alive, but what if I was missing something? What if I had it wrong the whole time? If it turned out that I’d been worried for nothing, all of my problems would be solved! I wouldn’t have any reason to be afraid anymore. I wouldn’t feel mournful for the other Pinkies. Twilight had been my friend for years and had always proved herself to be a kind, good-natured pony, so why would she murder anypony? I sighed with relief upon leaving Sugarcube Corner; I could see now that I had just been overreacting this whole time.
I galloped over to Twilight’s library. What did I have to be afraid of? This was the same pony who stood alongside me against Discord and the changelings. She was the Element of Magic for Celestia’s sake!
I was stood just outside her door for about two minutes, telling myself over and over again that everything was OK. It was, wasn’t it? I trusted her, didn’t I? But then, if I really did trust her, why was I even here in the first place? Why did I need closure if I wasn’t afraid? Putting my thoughts aside I knocked loudly against the wooden door. Within a few moments, it was answered.
“Pinkie Pie!” Twilight exclaimed, looking rather cheerful. “Come right on in!”
I could feel my heart pounding against my chest as I walked inside. I said something about not seeing her for a while and she nodded in agreement. She began to chat about a new spell she was working on, something to do with chemical reactions. Spike was taking a nap I think. I wasn’t really paying attention. I couldn’t. It was taking all of my willpower to simply walk alongside her and keep a big, dumb grin plastered on my face. I don’t think she noticed anything wrong with me. I hope she didn’t.
Once she was done talking she asked me why I was visiting. I told her the truth. “I was just wondering about something, Twilight. It’s about the mirror pond.”
“Mirror pond?” she parroted, looking confused. “What about it?”
“I just wanted to know what happens when you… When you…” I tried to finish my sentence, but I didn’t know what to say. I could’ve asked her what happened to the ponies that she murdered. Yeah… That would’ve gone down a treat.
“Pinkie!” Twilight chided, now looking both angry and disappointed. “Don’t tell me you’ve gone back there and cloned yourself again!”
“No, of course not!” I could feel my sweat dripping onto the floor.
“Are you sure?” Twilight questioned, looking me over suspiciously.
“I-I’m totally sure!” I insisted, a rogue thought of her zapping me into oblivion shooting through my mind. “I haven’t used it since that one time! I Pinkie promise!” And now I had just lied to her, with a Pinkie promise no less. I hadn’t even realised it until the words left my mouth.
“Well that’s a relief,” Twilight sighed, her smile returning. “For a second there I thought I was gonna have to get rid of another few dozen Pinkie Pies.”
Get rid of. Get rid of. Those three words repeated themselves in my mind. Get rid of. Like a pony might get rid of bothersome insects or unwanted litter. Part of me wanted to run out of the library at that very second, but I had to be certain about this. I had to know that she’d just chosen her words poorly, or better yet, had some eloquent explanation about the mirror pond that she was going to lecture me with. Something that would tell me that she wasn’t a murderer.
“Twilight, what if I’m not the real Pinkie Pie?”
She turned to me, a smirk on her face. “Pinkie, you’re not still worried about that, are you? You passed the test, remember?”
I wasn’t smiling anymore. There was no way in Equestria that I could keep up my façade. “But what if you got it wrong? What if… I only think I’m the real Pinkie?”
Twilight shot me a bewildered look, as if she was trying to solve a complex word puzzle. “Pinkie, I thought you got over this. Only you could have passed that test.”
“But who am I?” I began to grow afraid, very afraid as I continued. I felt as if I’d dug myself into a hole that I couldn’t escape. If she thought I was a fake, would she zap me here and now? I didn’t know, but it was worth the risk to discover the truth. “How can you know for sure who I am? What if you got rid of the real Pinkie Pie!?”
My plan worked. I could see it in Twilight’s eyes; she was convinced — if only momentarily — that I really could just be a fake. It was what I wanted, but… What I saw filled me with dread. I wanted her to spring up with a burning resolve and vow to venture back to the pond and rescue the real me. I wanted her to thank me for revealing my ‘secret’ and promise me that I would be rewarded for my honesty. What I didn’t want was… this.
Twilight’s eyes were filled with horror. She took a step backwards, grasping at her heart. She tried to speak, but could only emit a series of quivering chokes. If I’d seen her like this a few months ago I’d have rushed to her aid and held on to her as tightly as I could, desperate to make the bad things go away. But seeing her so mortified could only mean one conclusion. Not a single word she could say would change that.
“No… NO!” Twilight yelled, a fresh tear rolling down her cheek. “This is… This can’t be right! I was so sure of myself, and of you! I didn’t think I could… Oh dearest Celestia...”
Twilight began pacing back and forth, her breath quickening with each passing moment. All I could do was watch as the mare before me — my so-called friend — became wracked with guilt. Despite her occasional freak-outs, Twilight was good at keeping a level head. If there was a problem that needed solving, she would always find a way. But in that moment I witnessed a pony on the bitter cusp of complete and utter hopelessness. She really thought she’d killed me.
“No! You have to be the real Pinkie!” she cried out in defiance, running up to me and holding me by the shoulders. To even be touched by her make my blood run cold. For just a brief moment I wanted to pretend that I really was just a fake. In that brief moment I wanted her to feel the unbearable agony of knowing that she’d murdered one of her best friends. But then, what would that make me? I’d be a monster just like she was. And what would become of me? What would become of my life?
“Ask me a question!” I blurted out. “Ask me something that only the real Pinkie would know!”
“You’re right!” Twilight exclaimed. “OK, tell me how you earned your cutie mark!”
“Rainbow Dash’s sonic-rainboom! I saw it and I just had this urge to throw a party for my family!”
“And what happened last year on your birthday!?”
“I thought none of you wanted to be my friend, and I went crazy!”
“And what happened the day we first met!?”
“I threw a party in the library and invited everypony I could get my hooves on! You drank hot sauce! And then Nightmare Moon happened! Twilight, it’s me! I’m the real Pinkie Pie!” I took a series of sharp breaths, determined to defend my own existence. “It’s really me, Twilight. I… I just had this crazy thought—”
Twilight launched herself forward and wrapped her forelegs around me in a tight hug, her face buried into my shoulder and tears flowing from her eyes. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again,” she whispered, planting a small kiss on my collar bone. “If you were gone because of me… It doesn’t even bear thinking about.”
I wanted to scream. As the pony of my darkest nightmares and the slaughterer of my kin held me in a warm embrace I wanted nothing more than to scream at the top of my lungs until my vocal cords were torn to shreds. Twilight had confessed to her sins beyond any doubt. And what made it all the more horrifying was the fact that she didn’t see anything wrong with what she’d done. Those other Pinkies were just pests in need of exterminating, nothing more. Pests that wouldn’t have suffered such a fate if only it wasn’t for some crazy idea to have fun with all my friends.
“Don’t go getting any more crazy ideas,” Twilight sighed as she pulled herself back, beaming from ear to ear.
“Don’t worry. I won’t.”
I got out of there as quickly as I could. I don’t even remember exactly what I said — something about getting back home to check up on things. I ran to Sugarcube Corner at full speed, bolted to my bedroom, curled myself up in my bedcovers and wept. I cried for what felt like hours, every inch of my body trembling as I relayed the paint drying test over and over again.
Twilight had murdered me. Well, not specifically me, but she’d come as close as anypony possibly could. She’d committed genocide against a lovable, innocent band of Pinkie Pies knowing full well what she was doing. She’d killed me countless times. And it was all my fault.
The next week or so was when things started to get really bad. At times, I was struggling to even smile, let alone chatter to everypony in my usual chirpy way. During my work days I wanted nothing more than to break down in the middle of Sugarcube Corner and tear the place apart, to smash every window and mirror so that I wouldn’t have to be reminded of that damn magic pond. I was losing it; there were no two ways about it. I needed professional help but I kept telling myself that if I just carried on, things would get better. But how could they? One of my best friends was a murderer, and all I could do was pretend like it never happened.
One day I was slicing a sponge cake into pieces, ready to put on display for the customers. And then I started having thoughts. Scary thoughts. I looked around to see if anyone was watching, and then I crept into the bathroom with the knife in my mouth.
I sat myself on the floor and gazed across the blade from tip to shaft. All I would have to do is slice downwards through each of my fore-hooves. I just needed to prop myself up against something, grasp the knife in my mouth and push through. It wouldn’t be that hard. And once it was done, I could finally be free. I wouldn’t have to feel pain anymore. I could finally be at peace.
I brought the blade to my left foreleg and prodded it into my skin. I was surprised at how little it hurt. I tried to imagine how it would feel to slice all the way through, to understand what I would have to endure in order to find happiness. It would be over quickly, I concluded. If I draped my legs over the bathtub and hung myself upside down, the blood would run smoothly and seamlessly from my body. When I thought of myself bathing in a pool of my own blood, my eyes closed forever, my body limp and lifeless…
It made me smile.
But then I thought of the consequences. Mr and Mrs Cake were like a second family to me. If I committed suicide they’d never forgive themselves. My Mum and Dad, brother and sisters… They’d blame the Cakes for everything. And what about Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake? How could they possibly explain it to them? And then there were my friends…
Rainbow Dash would be hit the hardest. For all her bolshiness and badass demeanour, the two of us shared a close bond. If I took my own life she wouldn’t be able to handle it. She’d convince herself that she’d failed me as a friend. She would never regain her self-confidence ever again. Her life would be ruined.
Then there was Fluttershy. Sweet, innocent Fluttershy. She’d hate herself for the rest of her life. Applejack and Rarity… The Elements of Harmony would be no more. How could they learn to laugh again if the Element of Laughter was no longer with them? If I would rather be dead than spend another minute in their company, what would they possibly come to think?
I had an idea. I scrambled to find a pencil and paper, ready to write my last message to the world. All I needed to do was blame Twilight. If I did that, none of my other friends — the ones I cared about dearly — would ever blame themselves. That evil, murdering unicorn would get the punishment she deserved — a lifetime being shunned by the friends that she so desperately wanted to please. It would be the ultimate revenge.
But then I’d just be breaking down my friends even further, making them deal not only with the loss of a close friend, but the vilifying of another. They had all learned to trust Twilight over the years. If they knew the truth, could they ever learn to trust another pony ever again? And Spike… The one he looked up to most in the whole wide world would be revealed as nothing but a heartless killer. He didn’t deserve that. None of them did.
I screamed, throwing the knife across the room, the blade clinking against the ceramic floor tiles. There was no escape from this. I would have to live with it for the rest of my life, and I couldn’t tell a soul. I could only hope that someday, I would be killed in a freak accident. At least then I could finally get some rest without being plagued by horrific nightmares. I was tired. So very tired…
It was a few days later when I finally snapped. I was stood at the cash register — serving customers as per usual — when a young mare with an attitude reached the counter. I was being as polite as I possibly could, wearing the biggest fake smile I could muster. First, she started muttering something about our prices being too high, so I pretended I couldn’t hear her. Then when she asked for a cinnamon bun and I told her we were all out, she made a huffy comment about our ‘customer standards’ and gave me the dirtiest look this side of Equestria. And I just lost it.
“Get out!” I yelled, stomping my way towards her. “You think you can walk in here and act like a total bitch? Who the buck do you think you are!?”
“How dare y—”
I grabbed the cream cake from her grasp and forced it into her mouth as she spoke, nearly choking her to death. The surrounding ponies looked on in utter shock, but I didn’t care. “There! Have your cake and eat it! Thank you for your patronage!”
I grabbed her head with my fore-hooves and threw her to the floor, intent on seeing hear head split open, a lovely splatter of red against the jade-green tiles. I wanted her to suffer. Luckily for me — I guess — she was fine. After a moment of catching her breath she scurried off, looking mortified. And then I looked up.
Applejack, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Applebloom were stood near the entrance. They’d seen everything. The three terrified fillies huddled themselves behind the orange farm pony, flinching as I turned to look at them. As for Applejack, she looked furious. And who could blame her? I had just brutally attacked somepony for no real reason.
“I think that’s enough,” said Mr Cake from behind me, his face overcome with disappointment. “I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t care. Get up to your room and don’t come down until I say you can.”
I’d never seen Mr Cake look at me with such fury, such disgust. I barrelled my way upstairs, tears streaming across my cheeks. I leapt into bed, buried my face into the pillow and let out a shrill cry. If I had a knife to hoof, or a cabinet full of pills within reach, I’m sure that I would have ended my life there and then without any hesitation. In fact, the only thing that stopped me from frantically searching for a way to end it all was a knock at the door.
“Pinkie? It’s Applejack.”
“Go away,” I said weakly, my voice regressing into a series of muffled sobs.
Applejack ignored my request and stepped inside, her anger failing as she saw the state I was in. She stepped up to the bed and placed a hoof on my shoulder. I flinched as her skin touched my own, and she pulled back.
“Don’t…” I whimpered, shifting away from her.
“Pinkie, what’s wrong?”
“Please… Just leave me alone.”
Applejack moved in closer, her breath ruffling the fur on my back. “Ah don’t think you should be left alone. Please tell me what’s wrong, sugarcube.”
I turned to see those enormous, caring green eyes in front of me. Overwhelmed by emotion, I wrapped my forelegs around her and held her as tightly as I could, my tears trickling across her shoulders.
“There, there. It’s gonna be alright,” she said softly, returning my hug. “Go on, let it all out.”
We stayed locked together in silence for several minutes, the pain I’d been bottling up spilling to the surface. I wished we could have stayed that way forever, without a care in the world. To just spend eternity in the warm embrace of a friend who cares about me. A friend who would never murder anypony…
“I’m so sorry,” I croaked. “I shouldn’t have done that to her, but I was just so… I couldn’t stop myself.”
“It’s OK, it’s OK. Now, what’s gotten you like this, huh? Come on, you can tell me.”
“No. I can’t.”
“Sure you can. Ain’t no-one else has to know.”
I wanted to tell her. Oh Celestia, I wanted to tell her everything that I’d felt in these past few weeks. But I just couldn’t. “You don’t understand,” I whispered. “N-none of you can ever know. Not ever.”
Applejack pulled herself away slightly, looking deeply into my eyes for answers. “OK, so you don’t wanna tell me what’s up. But Pinkie…” She paused, her bottom lip quivering noticeably. “Please tell me you’re not thinkin’ of… Please tell me you’re not gonna bring harm to yourself.”
I tried to answer, but no sound came out. I just stared blankly. I wanted to kill myself, and she could see it clear as day. As if in response to my own thoughts she held me tighter than before, her tears mixing with my own.
“Oh, Pinkie… Ah’m so sorry. If only Ah knew you were feelin’ this way Ah could have done somethin’.”
“Please don’t hate me,” I sobbed, my breathing reduced to a series of exasperated gasps. “I never wanted to hurt any of you. I-I thought I could get over it but… I just can’t take it anymore, AJ.”
“Your friends are here for you. You don’t have to suffer in silence. And you don’t have to end it like… There’s always a better way, Pinkie. Always.”
I took my friend’s words to heart. She was right. There had to be a better way out of this. And so as we held each other once again, I got thinking. In the end, the answer seemed more obvious than I’d anticipated.
“Thank you, Applejack. You’ve done more for me than you could ever know.”
I didn’t tell her everything in the end. I promised her that I would tell her one day, when I was ready. It was true that I’d be breaking yet another Pinkie promise but I didn’t really have a choice. Perhaps one day she’ll understand. Perhaps one day, she’ll forgive me.
So… here I am, writing out a letter to Princess Celestia. I’m telling her everything from Twilight’s massacre, the death of Greeny and Stripy, my suicidal thoughts… Everything. She’s the wisest pony I know. If anyone can understand and if anyone can help, she’s my best bet. I’m hoping for some kind of spell that can erase my memory but I sincerely doubt it can be done. It’s a shame, really. That would have been perfect.
I’ve already purchased train tickets to Fillydelphia. There’s a small bakery there run by a pony called Chocolate Chip, and he’s looking for an assistant. Not only that, but he has a spare room that I can stay in. I’ve looked at some pictures and it seems nice enough. And Fillydelphia is renowned for its well-mannered citizens, so I bet I can make a bunch of new friends to throw parties for.
You know, I’m excited. As I seal the letter to the princess and finish packing my suitcase, I’m actually looking forward to this new life. I’ve not told anyone where I’m going or what I’m doing. Hopefully, Celestia will be able to tell them something appropriate, something that they can accept. I don’t want them to worry about me. I want them to forget me, much like I hope I can forget them. I want them to go on as if nothing has happened, safe in the knowledge that I’m now happy with my life.
At least, I hope I can be happy again.
Pinkie, you can look away now.
“Goodbye, my friends. Farewell…”
